corrade-lsl-templates – Rev 15
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I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment". Oh really? You mean you didn't actually catch the murder on video?
I think my new dog thinks he is a blacksmith As soon as I took him inside he made a bolt for the door
What do you call the work of a renowned geologist? Rock solid
My friend David lost his ID yesterday... We just call him Dav now
How much citrus does it take to kill a pirate? None.
Why are women terrible drivers? Because making sandwiches behind the wheel is a lot harder than making them in the kitchen.
Woman : All men are dogs. Me : Which breed is your dad, bitch?
My sex life is just like Star Wars It's either Han Solo, or I have to use force.
What is the best way to break a shield apart? Seth Rollins with a chair
What does a hooker with good manners say after fucking her customer| "I'm so glad you came"
Being a father completely changed me. I'm one of those motherfuckers now.
What do you call a southern girl who runs faster than her brothers A virgin
A city girl meets a country boy in a restaurant When the buy asked her out she responded "oh I know you country boys will fuck anything that walks. Pigs, chickens, goats and horses." The boy made a disgusted grin. "chickens???"
My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man. So I stuck it in her ass and called her Steve
I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl... they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.
Browser joke What do we want? Chrome/Firefox: Faster internet! When do we want it? Internet explorer: Faster internet!
Why Would Clint Eastwood be Bad at Restructuring a Business? He can't remember if he fired 5 or 6.
Are you all alright?? -YEEES - says audience -No you are all alleft
I thought about making a cripple joke... ... but it would be lame.
Whoever hates oral... Can just suck my dick.
What do you do for a living? Nothing edit: just to be clear this isn't me. The depth of this joke is big
My sister died in a car crash She did always want to be a princess
What is so good about dead baby jokes? They never get old
Shout out to tears for fears
How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
My wife and I got into an argument she said 'you should treat me like I'm the last woman on earth' I said- what, lock you down in the basement and let men cum on your face for a million dollars?
What do you call a phobia of machetes? Common sense
How long has Michael J. Fox had Parkinson's disease? About 30 years, just amazing, thought he would have shaken it off by now.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure. So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.
I got kicked out of the library today I got kicked out of the library for putting the women's rights book in the fiction section
Me and my friend used to like playing war growing up one day i went to his parents house and told them their son died
I have beef- -aroni.
What do you say to a video game developer who's not that hard? Ubisoft.
You cant expect an honest person to beat Usain Bolt... Only a cheetah can.
[NSFW] What is the worst part about eating a bald pussy? Putting the diaper back on when you're done.
What is Eminem made of? He is made of Mathers
Do you know what the scientific name of Viagra is? Mycoxafloppin.
What do you call a clan for chickens? Coo clucks clan
Potter household Voldemort: knock knock James: who's there? Voldemort: you know James: you know who? Voldemort: correct James: James: Fuck
Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank the coffee before it was cool =?
What type of fishing line is best for taking out a group of 1st graders? A Sandy Hook Yes, I'm sorry. Yes, I stole this from Facebook
So who was the first knight at the round table? Cir-cumference!
My mom named her vacuum Slayer It's been around since 1981 and has fucking sucked ever since.
A crossfitter, a Texan, and a vegan walk into a bar. How do you know? They all tell you within 3 seconds.
Bad Dad Joke So my Dad told me this joke that was so bad, he only told it to me once. "I'll be right back."
How can you tell if a post on r/Jokes is unoriginal? It makes the front page.
An apple a day... Keeps the non-binary away
So I knocked up my Jewish girlfriend; Now we have a little Jew in the over.
Slept like a log last night Woke up in the fireplace.
Which bees produce milk? The boo-bees!
What did the jazz fan name his pachyderms? He called his elephants Gerald.
What did the kid with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves! Nah, just kidding. He hasn't unwrapped it yet.
New movie coming out about a golden retriever who helps a deaf boy. It's called "Ear Bud."
Mexico's president says he will not go to the U.S. for a meeting with Trump The wall's not even finished and it kept a Mexican out!
Did you know Princess Diana has dandruff? They found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess... So I crashed her into a wall
Some day, Canada will take over the world. And then we'll all be sorry.
I'm going to start calling my roommates dog Dray After Draymond Green, because there is no way that is part of her natural jumping motion.
What is a KKK member's favorite game? Hangman
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
There's a lot I don't get about women The main thing being their phone number.
Asked my dad what he thought about my new haircut... He said it was "obsolete", so I told him that I was actually a trendsetter. He said "Yes. That trend set many years ago".
What do you tell a nazi with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told Richard Spencer twice!
How come you never see third class mail? Third class envelopes are disproportionately likely to be lost in the voyage.
LPT: How to stop procrastinating Step one: Prepare to do whatever it is that you need to do Step two: Do it tomorrow. This frees you from the work you would have done grudgingly, which decreases the quality anyway.
How much do noodles cost? How much do noodles cost? About a penne.
What's another name for a Japanese demon dog? A pupper-oni.
We're two days into the Chinese New Year, the year of the rooster and I'm still writing year of the monkey on my checks
Whale junior: Dad, where did I come from? Papa whale: From my penis. Whale junior: Umm thanks? Papa whale: You're whalecum
What movie did Trump watch with his family tonight? Wall-E
"Dad, I've got to masturbate." "Two maths debate! I knew I had high expectaisians!"
Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
Where do European generals keep their armies? In their sleevies.
"What do we want!" "Hearing aids!" "When do we want them!" "Hearing aids!"
Welcome to jim's seafood shack and brothel... (nsfw) The crabs are buy one get one free
[Nsfw] How do you know you have a high sperm count? She has to chew before swallowing
"Can we not have sex tonight? I'm tired" "Hi Tired, I'm dad"
There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
What's a donkeys favourite breakfast cereal? Mule-sli
It's not that Trump is a traitor. He's an "alternative patriot."
What's a Mexican midget barbers favorite restaurant? Little Cesar's
If Pikachu was a Nazi... ...would his name be Gasajew?
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
I'm not bashing Trump I'm providing "alternate praise!"
I tried singing for my supper today. Looks like I'm having rotten tomato soup tonight.
You know why I drink apple juice? Because OJ will kill you
What do you call the underwear of someone experiencing nocturnal emissions? Dreamcatchers
I like my women like I like my coffee I don't like coffee
What do you call the third hand on a clock? Second hand.
I had my FIRST THREE WAY!!! There were a couple of no-shows, but I STILL HAD A GREAT TIME!!
How do lexicographers compile dictionaries? They scrabble about for words.
I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters.
What is it called when a politician craps his pants in a Honda? Civic doody.
Jack and Jill went up the hill So Jack could lick Jill's fanny. Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock 'cause Jill's a goddam tranny!
How come there are no Olympics in Mexico? Because all of the Mexicans that can run jump and swim are already in America.
I'm deathly afraid of elevators. I take a lot of steps to avoid them.
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? It was a nice ceremony....but the reception was amazing!
Here is the only way to resist Trump's agenda leave a mouse trap in front of your vagina.
In His Lust For Knowledge The Mathemagician con-summed himself.
Here I was thinking that 2016 was over And now it came back for Moore
Shout-out to my arms For always being by my side
Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Alternative facts.
Sometimes life is like toilet paper.. You are either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
A company testing on animals just got sued for testing a chapstick on horses that made their lips burn off. They called it neigh-balm.
It was getting very late and my niece was getting scared. "Uncle Davey, I am scared walking out here in the forest." "You?? What about ME!? I have to walk back all by myself!"
What's the difference between a blue whale and a sperm whale? Depends on if she lets me nut or not.
Where do dads keep their jokes? In their dadabase.
The Trump Administration releases the contractor hired to build the infamous wall Bill DeWall, Inc.
What breed of dog is the most depressing...? A melancholy.
My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
As Jeff the street sweeper says "A clean place is not where one sweeps, but where one doesn't litter" That's why he traded in his broom for a shotgun.
The anti-vax movement just got its first clothing sponsor Polio Ralph Lauren
What was the pig when he got laryngitis...? He was dis-gruntled!
What drink does hitler hate the most? JUUUUICE!
Did you hear who Ryan Reynold's wife turned into when she found out he was having an affair? Blake Deadly.
How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poker face.
I tried making a chemistry joke today... ... But all the good element jokes Argon
Ivanka is pregnant again, her new baby boy is due in October. She should call him Wally.
A Zwitterion walks into a bar... A Zwitterion walks into a bar. The bartender asks him about his job. The Zwitterion says, "Eh, there's some positives and negatives about it".
I couldn't decide how to propose to the love of my life So I decided to ask her husband for advice.
Dave lost his left arm and left leg in an accident 3 years ago. Don't worry, he's all right now.
What do you get when you mix a bell with poop? Duuuuuuung
A truck load of Viagra was stolen yesterday Police don't know who did it, but they're on the lookout for hardened criminals.
The other day I snuck a peek at my shrink's notes and I saw she'd written "MESSIAH COMPLEX" in big capital letters. It caught me off guard. I've known I'm the messiah all of my life but I've never been called complex before.
Did you know Trump played soccer in high school? He was a goalkeeper, set up a wall like you've never seen...
No one talked about it but the threat level was raised on January 20th, 2017 They raised it to orange.
What has nine arms and sucks? Def Leppard
There was a fight in the fish n chips shop the other day The fish got battered!
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley Thanks to months of therapy, I'm finally battling my Damons.
Blind people of Reddit. I was watching a movie called 23 Blast (about a football player that went blind) and was curious if you can see when you're dreaming. Oh. . . wait a minute.
Dad Joke Kid laugh Edit : I've made a huge spelling mistake
I used to have a weird affliction that caused me to alter all my Reddit posts to add the names of my favourite Frasier and Cheers actors but I'm over it now. Edit: Grammer
It's now apparently politically incorrect to say "Black paint" Now you have to say "Tyrone can you please go paint the fence?".
Why aren't Mexicans good Firefighters? Because they don't know the difference between "JosÈ" and "Hose B"
What do you call a pathetic number of chickens? A poultry sum.
Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger kill insects? Because he's an ex-terminator
The best thing about ISIS jokes? The execution
Did you hear Apple is going into the wine business? Their vineyard will produce every varietal of wine... except ports.
You know what's black and doesn't work? Decaffeinated coffee.
Virgin mary enters into heaven as soon as she gets in she notices a hot dog stand. She blushes and giggling says "the holy spirit!"
"Have you heard the news? "What?" "Me neither. "
My wife said she hates Diablo 3 because it's about demons I said, babe, it's not about demons, its about gambling!
Trump is supporting the minorities The minority of scientists that disbelieve global warming.
I climaxed on a blind girl's boobs yesterday She didn't see it coming
Bury it... ...it's my dad's 'dead joke'.
What does a sailor in the navy farts smell like? Seaman.
What do you call a cow who's had an abortion? Decaffeinated
There's a brand new cemetery in town Everybody is dying to get in
What do you call an Asian guy that always shows up before he needs to? Earl Lee
The biggest lie "I have read the terms and conditions"
Jenny Craig I dropped 40 pounds on Jenny Craig. I think I broke her leg!
I head the singer of "Chandelier" is visiting my town I'm looking out for her, but I just can't Sia!
Do you know the story about the invisible nymphomaniac? They say you never see her coming.
Why did Johnny Cash have the Cocaine Blues? He ran out of cocaine.
The US should rejoin Great Britain Its not like we mind Taxation without representation anymore.
A Trump supporter tells a reporter, "Everyone knows we're great at taking tests." Reporter: "What gives you that idea?" Trump supporter: "Everyone keeps calling us 'quiz-lings'."
A stopped clock is correct two times a day, but how many times is it wrong?
It's stay lighter later in the evening. Great now I can your moms ugly face.
My friend just found out that he is both gay and dyslexic. He is still in Daniel.
Did you hear why the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus shut down? Because the Trump administration is now the greatest show on earth!
My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats That's nuts, I told him
Alternate Lyrics: I kissed a Trans and I liked it. The taste of her hairy lap stick.
What is the center of a gay apple's life? DÈcor.
Why was the cookie so sad? Because his mother was a wafer so long.
Life is like toilet paper... Life is like toilet paper, you?re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
My girlfriend told me that if I took her to get sushi, I didn't have to use a condom after. She's getting the raw end of that deal!
I read an article recently on Hitler's speechwriter... Apparently he was a real grammar Nazi.
How do you like your eggs in the morning? Boiled, poached, scrambled or fertilised?
Aussie chat up line "...bite on this stick sheila..."
It's difficult being a dyslexic agnostic I'm never quite sure whether or not there's a dog
The secret to making your computer a modern racist? Hold Alt+R
Have you ever had sex while camping? It's fucking in tents.
Tortoises ... are nazi turtles
What did the Hawaiian Jihadist say before he died? Aloha Ackbar!
Heard about the fruit that became a president? He got impeached.
My date was impressed when I said I really want to see her inner-beauty. She was less impressed when I asked to see inside her butt hole to spot it.
Why do batteries feel lonely? Because they are never included in anything.
Why do they call "roach-clips", "roach-clips"??? because potholder was already taken. I know it's like a venn diagram of drug jokes and dad jokes.
Dad tell me a joke[nsfw] "Hey dad tell me a joke" Dad:"Pussy" Son:"I don't get it" Dad:"I know hahahaha"
What's the difference between a chickpea and a green pea? Trump wouldn't pay $1000 to have a green pea on him.
NSFW My girlfriend was arrested for riding her bike today. She was charged with peddling pussy.
I posted a question about the brightest star in the night sky, but all I got were joke replies. Should've added the [Sirius] tag.
I walked in on my parents having sex last night... Possibly the most awkward 45 minutes of my life...
How come Abraham Lincoln never went to jail? Because he was in a cent
How was there no jackass in a giant penis costume at the women's March? That would of been hilarious. You would never see feminists beat a dick so hard.
I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years.
What do you call a 20th century grammar nazi? Alt-Write
Need your best Short Jokes One sentence max, I'll start: A Dyslexic walks into a bra
How do you get a Jewish girl's number? Lift up her sleeve.
Artistic people of Reddit, what is being artistic really like? And can I get fries with that?
Why did Purple hate Red? Because she left him feeling Blue
What was Albert Einsteins DJ name? MC Squared
What have women and clouds got in common? It only becomes a nice day after they piss off.
Friends are a lot like trees... They fall down when hit multiple times with an axe.
A man has been shot with a starting pistol... The police are pretty sure it's race related.
An SEO Expert walks into a bar An SEO Expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, nightclub, mini bar, bar stool, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey.
Shout out to all my people with split personality disorder You know who you are
What is Blastoise's favourite sex move? Hydrohump.
Did you hear about the fire at the hemp factory? It was high priority for the firefighters to get there.
What's the 8th wonder of the world? Great Wall of Jina
I have a new advice podcast for senile Tarantino fans It's called "I Don't Remember Asking You a GOD Damn Thing"
A 79 year old pirate has his next birthday this morning.... he wakes up and says to his crew, "AYE-matey!"
Only 90's-2000's kids will understand I am a financially stable and responsible adult, and my life is completely in order. Excuse me while I go drown myself in alcohol.
Why did pyramid head always drag his weapon around? Because its illegal to carry!
What Does Donald Trump Have in Common With London Dispersion Forces? They are both easily pushed to one side and can take a negative charge.
I like my women like my salad Undressed
Everybody's making a big deal about the Mexican president canceling his meeting with Trump... The wall isn't even built yet and it's already kept out at least one Mexican.
After nine years of being together, I finally got down on one knee. And begged her to take it up the arse.
I took my kid to a magic show... I took my kid to a magic show last night. The magician announced that for his final trick, he was going to make himself disappear. And so he began to count: "Uno! Dos!" And then he vanished without a tres!
Minecraft is not a video game Real video games have curves
Why do Republican libertarians play Xbox more than their friends? They hate it when everything has to be PC.
What do you call a dating agency for well-to-do herpes sufferers? Elite Shingles
Describe THE WALL in one word Yuuuge!
What's the hardest part of playing ultimate frisbee? Explaining to your parents that you're gay.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell
A Trump supporter decides to protest with his gun outside of a mosque. What should the police do? Nothing. He'll eventually shoot himself in the foot.
The Oakland Raiders are moving to Las Vegas. Thus making "went to a Raiders game" yet another thing people won't talk about when they get home from Vegas.
I took a vacation to a city in France. It was Nice.
In the middle east its hard to tell who's crazy, And Hussein.
Australians don't have sex They mate
Why do pirates never quit their jobs? Because once they lose a hand they get hooked.
I had a thought the other day Losing 15 pounds sounds a lot better in America than in England.
What does a robot do after sex? Nuts and bolts.
I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
Dad Joke Dad: (Grabs his chest) Call me an ambulance Son: You are........ an ambulance Dad: Proud of you son.
What type of music do astronauts love? Neptunes!
A steak pun is A rare medium well done.
Sugar is the only word in English language in which "Su" is pronounced as "Shu". I am pretty sure about it.
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
I really like Windows as an OS. You could say I have a Micro_soft_ spot for it.
I went to Kennedy Space Center to become an astronaut, but the scientists were not very supportive. They just said things like, "You're not qualified" and "Why are you naked?" and "I CAN'T CATCH HIM HE'S COVERED IN BABY OIL."
What does the Surgeon General, the Postmaster General, and the General of the Army have in common? I'm running all of their alt twitter accounts.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vader? An elevader.
There is a place with a 98% recycling rate! r/Jokes
How does a seamstress reply to someone asking her how her day was? So,so.....
Shout-out to my grandma Because that's the only way she can hear me.
As a guy, it's not that I have anything against psychiatric wards... I'm just afraid of commitment.
We have a strange custom in our office. We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Kevin"
A wife dragged her husband to their marriage counselor appointment with his fishing net. "Do you see what I have to put up with," the wife says. "Yes," said the counselor. "He's obviously in seine."
What climate scientist does Disney follow on twitter? The rogue one
What did the boy with no arms get for christmas? Cancer.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
What's the best part of being a lesbian in 1912? Both got seats on the titanic's lifeboats.
What you call a black guy with a lower body growth disorder? Knee-grow
What camp were jewish pets sent to? Mousevitz
What is a Physicist's favorite author? Joules Verne
What do you call an emo on a hiking trip? Cliffhanger.
What do Germans say when you send them a fire meme? Danke!
To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present They're due back at the library today.
What did the detective say when it started to rain I better run don't want my trench coat to become a drench coat
What do you call hamburger in India ? God
What's the opposite of Tim Walken? Tim Daly.
I rang the RSPCA hotline... I rang the RSPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road "Are they moving?" asked the operator "Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase"
What's the difference between a priest and a sister? Nun
I was listening to my German Student perform Goldfish by Debussy... Unfortunately, his playing was rather Vichy.
Why did Dracula fail math? He forgot how to Count.
why did Saturn get a ring? told god, "if you like it, then you better put a ring on it"
Are you a good cook? colleage - Oh you cook!! How good of a cook are you? me - the hungrier you are, the better i am.
I'm not sure if Trump will be re-elected I don't have 2020 vision.
What did Barak say to Joe on the last day of his presidency? "Bi-den. Keep in touch"
My professor just said that the particle of light is like a bullet... The black objects absorb more.
What do you call a bionic pig? Robocop
Why was the anomaly so poor? Because it didn't make any cents!
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff... Baa dum tssssss
The European Union is disgusting! Absolutely disgusting! EU!