corrade-lsl-templates – Rev 15
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Q: How are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do you call ten blondes standing in a line?A windtunnel
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?New Jersey got to pick first.
20 THINGS TO DO IN A DRIVE-THRU
What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging
A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?""Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
"Chili's a lot like sex: When it's good it's great, and even when it's bad, it's not so bad."
Signs your spouse is having an affair by computer:
What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?Beer nuts are over a buck and deer nuts are under a buck!
The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and Hillary's faces on them. However, test marketing verified that the customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps.
YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY WHEN:
Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
20 Very Short Books
Q: What do men and linoleum have in common? A: Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?Why does the word 'monosyllabic' have so many syllables?
Q: How can you tell a woman is old?A: When she takes off her bra, all of the wrinkles in her face disappear!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
Q: why did the blonde return the scarf?A: It was too tight.
How do priests make Holy Water?They boil the hell out of it!
You know your church is a redneck church if baptism is referred to as Branding.
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they're so close together?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
You might be a redneck if you have to haul a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Your so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
What did the light bulb say to the socket?I love you watts!!
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on a Monday?A: You tell her a joke on Friday.
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
Why did Clinton name his dog Buddy? He felt uncomfortable saying "Come Spot!"
Top 26 ways to deal with Stressful Lives
Thirteen things dogs don't understand
Q: Why do they bury lawyers 20 feet in the ground?A: Because way deep down they're great people!
Q: How does a blind man have sex?A: With his eyes closed.
Ways To Confuse Your Roommate
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen? A: That's the proper place to wash vegetables.
If a man is talking in the woods, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?
Q: What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?A: About .....35 pounds.
A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died." "But you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend."Impossible," said the psychiatrist, "the man who told me is much more reliable than you."
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
If it's called tourist season why can't I shoot them?
Why do they call it PMS? Because the name "MAD COW DISEASE" was taken.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?A walkie-talkie.
What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios?Doughnut seeds!
WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT NEED A DIFFERENT LAWYER
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Things Not To Say To A Cop
"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
Two men walk into a bar. The third man ducks.
Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk?
Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?Not enough sand.
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
Q: What's the difference between a hooker & a lawyer?A: A hooker stops screwing you when you're dead!
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, sir," the clerk replied."That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Q: Why don't blondes play frisbee?A: It hurts their teeth.
Q: why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory? A: He wasn't concentrating.
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?Dad: That happens in every country, son.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?A: Cut the rope.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
Q: What do you call a group of blondes in a circle?A: A dope ring!!
Only in America
Attorney to witness: "And where was the location of the accident?" Witness: "Approximately milepost 499." Attorney: "And where is milepost 499?" Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500."
If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?
Top Ten Changes at NASA to accommodate 76 year-old John Glenn's return to space aboard the shuttle "Discovery:"
"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor.""Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?""Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."
Our lips touched, then she crossed her legs and broke my glasses.
Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.""Well," said the other woman," that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"
20 Very Short Books
How do you know if a blond has used a computer?A:if there's white out on the screen.
What is the speed of dark?
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING WAY TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN.....
On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically: "Why does it have to be a secret?"
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None 'o yo' freakin' business! A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. That's a hardware problem. A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down. A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a software problem. A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Q: How many Field Service Engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb? A: Who can tell. Field Service Engineers are always in the dark. A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
Q: How long will it take for a field service engineer to change a light bulb? A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.
Q: How long will it take for a field service engineer to change two dead bulbs? A: They replace your fuse box.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There's a primitive for that.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Q: How many 'Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: 'Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark. A: None of your damn business!
Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. (''That's all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...'')
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really only one.
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's not funny!!!
Q: How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: It's ''Radcliffe Women'' and it's not funny!
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Both of them.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a sh*tload of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say ''Fabulous.''
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many public utility workers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10. One to hold the bulb, 6 to rotate the ladder, and 3 to supervise.
Q: How many strongmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q: How does god change a light bulb? A: He holds the bulb and rotates the planet.
Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb?? A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple... Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? A: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his. A: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb...
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There never was any light bulb. Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb? A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls
Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ---- You should have hit ''n!''
Q: How many ''pro-lifers'' does it take to change a light bulb? A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb? A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.
Q: How many Harvard grads does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...
Q: How many a-holes does it take to change a light bulb? A: None; a-holes never see the light anyway.
Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. A: Only one. ''Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?''
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb. Notes: Ugh!
Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ''Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: At least three. (Notes: think height!)
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: All of them.
Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say ''Sock it to Me.'' (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from Laugh In.)
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb? A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? A: one.
Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: To get to the other side.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... and one to change the bulb.
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out). A: It's out?? Sell my G.E. stock NOW!
Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb? A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.
Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Depends on what you want to change it into.
Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb? A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.
Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? A: ''Twelve. Ya got a problem with that?''
Q: How many surgeons does it take to replace a light bulb? A: 3. We'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.
Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? A: There is nothing to change.
Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Televangelists screw in motels.
Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fewer and fewer all the time.
"Bill Clinton's official portrait was unveiled at the White House yesterday. Don't kid yourself, there's already trouble. Yesterday, Clinton's portrait was caught hitting on Dolly Madison's portrait." óDavid Letterman
"Former President Bush parachuted with an Army Ranger holding him so he wouldn't get hurt on his 80th birthday. This is the same method they use when his son rides a bike." óCraig Kilborn
"I guess the people I feel worst for are Carter and Ford. Because they have to be watching all this thinking, we're not getting that." óJon Stewart, on media coverage of Ronald Reagan's death
"President Bush has returned after remembering D-Day. Or, as it was known in his house, report card day." óJay Leno
What did the horse say when he fell? ìI've fallen and I can't giddy up!î
Q. What do cows do for fun? A. They go to MOO-vies!
Q. What are the two main political parties in Canada? A. Moose and Squirrel
Q. What do you call a cow murder mystery? A. moo-done-it.
Q. What do you call a chicken that crosses the road rolls in dirt and comes back? A. dirty double crosser
Q. What did the father buffalo say to the son buffalo when he left for school? A. Bison!
Q. What do you get when you cross a centipede with a turkey? A. Drumsticks for everybody!