corrade-lsl-templates – Rev 15
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What did the Princess do when she got to the ball? *Makes choking noise*
What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain.
Why did the dumb cat slip and fall from the roof? Because º = 0
How do you think the unthinkable? With an ithburg.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. When the bartender points it out, the pirate replies "Arrrgh, it's been driving me nuts all day."
Guess who retweeted me? Your mom.
My mom made chicken soup with rice in it... I told her, "I don't want chicken soup with Ricin!"
My friend says he has the body of a Greek god... I had to explain to him that Buddha wasn't Greek.
OMG!! I used to be SOOOOOOO popular with the local ladies!!! THen I got ad-blocker
How do you get kicked out of the Boy-scouts? Eating a brownie.
Bill Gates Went To A Restaurant And Paid A $2 Tip, The Waiter Remarked: "Your son gave $100, but you're only giving $2?" Bill Gates: "He's the son of a billionaire, I'm the son of a farmer."
What do they call a dildo in Ireland? A Shamcock!
I named my new art Peach It looks pretty, but is completely useless.
I became a proud dad today. My son is four, but he acted like a whiny bitch for the first three years.
Did you hear about the play with all the frogs? It was ribbitting.
What Gun Company Was Created By Cats Mauser. I'm sorry
I asked my friend why his bike was so fast He said it was made in Kenya I'm sorry I know this makes no sense whatsoever just click the downvote and be done with it
My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection... You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.
I didn't get the question on the exam wrong... I just put down an alternative answer.
I wrote several books about poltergeists. They're flying off the shelves.
What rhymes with orange. No it doesn't.
Nobody believes that I can name the Canadian Prime Minister. It's Trudeau.
My friend gave me his epi-pen as he was dying But I can't get it to sign my name to save my life either
What's an engineer's best form of birth control? His personality.
What's the difference between Taylor Swift and a stale Pepsi? The stale Pepsi won't write a song about me after I dump it.
Alzheimer's isn't bad at all You get to meet new people every day! :D
I made a political joke up just now... Given the current temperature of the political climate.... Do you think we can all finally agree on climate change?
What is Michael Jackson's favorite musical key? F minor.
If I had a dollar... for everyone who thought I was unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
My brother just messaged me "I love my girlfriend <3". I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce? Chicken Caesar salad!
Why do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry.
I've already got a car, but I want to have a DeLorean as well. I would drive my first car every day, but only drive the DeLorean from time to time.
Did you hear about the deaf women getting run over by a train? Neither did she
I noticed my waitress had a black eye So I ordered very slowly because obviously she doesn't listen
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad I had to take his bike away
The chance an American will be killed by a foreign-born refugee is 1 in 3.64 billion. Trump supporter : So you're telling me there is still a chance!
I asked my dentist if I can have some of his laughing gas. He said: "sure, knock yourself out."
What's brown and has four wheels? A turd. I was just shitting you about the wheels.
I am all for animal testing. As long as they are animal products. I don't want my dogs raincoat to be fitted for a human.
We need to revolt against the... outlets. They have all the power!
How does Link from Legend of Zelda always die? Heart complications.
Hey girl, do you live in a corn field? Because I'm stalking you.
So my friends younger brother tells me... Him: Do you know what a gun that would shoot pubes sound like? Me: wtf pubes?... I don't know... Him: Pew... Pew Pew Kids these days.
My English teacher said that nothing rhymes with orange. There was a young man who had nothing, Until one day he happened upon an orange. That rhymes?
I Like My Women Like My fish Battered
My Mom made chicken soup with celery, chicken, carrots, and rice in it. I told her, "I don't want soup with Ricin!"
Yo momma so basic... ...she got a pH of 15.
Dreamed I died in an orange sea Was just a FANTA sea
I would like to be poor one day. Because being poor everyday it's hard...
Redditors are like pornstars... They're better when they're not old, but not too young.
Switzerland is a great country, with amazing views and nice people And their flag is also great, which is a huge plus.
"I will argue with you about anything. Anything at all." "No you won't." "Yeah I will"
What do you pay a British saxophonist? A tenner.
What do hillbillies and yeast have in common? They're both in bred
And the bartender said... "We don't serve time travellers". A time traveller walked into the bar. Saw this in a comment can't find it now, thought I share here.
What's the difference between China and Oceania? One spies on its citizens, uses torture, spreads false propaganda, and won't stop fighting with its neighbors. The other is something Orwell put in a book
A crossfitter, a vegan, and a trump supporter walk into a bar I only know because they told everyone who was there.
We should switch to the hexadecimal number system already. And I have a good reasons why.
Why are there no teams named after a dog in the NFL? They would get beaten by Michael Vick
Knock knock jokes. Don't upvote, I just need a good punchline quick. Please help.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? **One** Germans are efficient & have no humor.
What do you call an honest capitalist? A small time robber
I feel like a man trapped in a horse's body. It sucks being a centaur.
I saw two women in a passionate conversation. "How on earth did *he* get between *them*?" I overheard one of them say. I said, "I guess the 't' and 'm' made room."
Did you know that the mascot of scientology is a horse? Because it's a colt.
Waldo is being interviewed by the press at the Super Bowl. Waldo, how much did you pay for your ticket? Did you get a good seat? Where will you be sitting to watch the game? "I'm just here so I won't get found."
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children Fair enough, use an ashtray.
Yo moms pussy is so bushy It did 9/11
My friend gave me his Epi-Pen while he was dying. I guess he just really wanted me to have it as a last wish...
How do you get down from an elephant? ... You don't. You get down from a goose!
What did the mathematician say when she squared i? Shit just got real.
My doctor used two fingers during my prostate exam... He said he needed a second opinion.
My sexually ambiguous child just handed me some money. It was a trans-action.
Kim Jong Un is like a Penis shaped potato. He's a little Dick-Tater.
Isis bumper sticker I'd rather be heading.
I'd love to watch 48 Hours But it would be Monday by the time it's finished and ain't nobody got time for that.
What do apes call sunbathing? Orangutanning.
I went for a job interview today... "Describe yourself in one word." "Indecisive, maybe. I'm not sure."
Hey I just met you, And this is crazy, I have Alzheimer's, Hey I just met you.
I got into a car accident just now. My wife and children are dead and I'm not doing too well myself. Luckily, it only hurts when I laugh. HahaHahaahahahaha. Hahahahahaha. Hahahahahahaha.
Mother: Son, your teacher told me you've been swearing in school Boy: Mom, do you believe everything that fucking bitch says?
Hillary Clinton is starting her own Television show. It was going to be called The Biggest Loser but that was taken so she is going with The Biggest Liar.
When I was in college, my roommates would have sex with anything that moved. I never felt the need to limit myself that much.
What is it called what a man goes down on a woman in a bar? A pub.lic display of affection
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No ideer What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no ideer
How do you become a millionaire with horses? You start as a billionaire.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "get off me you two!"
Did you hear about the guy who made an outfit out of super glue? It was hard to pull off.
How do you keep an idiot worried for a day? I'll tell you first thing tomorrow
What do you call a carabao who can climb a tree? Awesome!!!
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
Death and My Dad I want to die peacefully and in my sleep like my father did, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
I want to die peacefully in sleep, just like my father. Not screaming in horror like passengers in his bus.
Donald Trump Worst joke I ever told.
My mother was in a car crash but luckily she was okay... WAS okay, she's dead now.
How do you find Ronald McDonald at a nude beach? He's got sesame seed buns
A man had his credit card stolen... However, he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Don't you hate it when you think of something funny to post and... you forget to reddit down.
What do you call a rain of strategy games? A Tropico storm
I asked my girlfriend if we could have sex tonight. She said she wants to remain a virgin until her wedding night...butt fuck it.
People take so much for granted. Like punchlines.
Why Do Lesbians Like Cats So Much? Because a dog is a man's best friend.
How many planets are there? Guy: How many planets are there? Girl: 8 Guy: Wrong, 7 after I destroy uranus
What did the clock do after night left him? He was in mourning.
Violence is the only option. Unless a mosquito lands on your dick, then it's a hostage situation.
What does a good carpenter and a 20 years old girl have in common? No wood gets wasted
I write my mistresses' phone numbers on the rear view mirror. I know my wife would never think to look there.
My Ex Girlfriend was getting beaten up at a bus stop by 5 guys, so as a human being I had to step in and help.... She didn't stand a chance against the 6 of us
Why do the newly rich like to buy Rolex watches? To know when it is time for a new wife.
If I had a dollar... For every time I disappointed my family, I would have enough to make them proud.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm in your apple.
People here take so much for granted. If you took away someone's car, house and clothes, They'd have nothing. But if you did the same to someone from one of the poorest countries, they'd probably still have aids.
Mr. President, two brazillian soldiers died in our military strike in Yemen. "Oh my god... Do we have to file for bankruptcy already?"
I let a pasta chef borrow my car He returned it all denty.
Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
What's the best thing about dating a feminist? When you go out for dinner you only have to pay for your half!
Jesus may have been offended Elderly couple in church during Easter mass. Wife turns to husband and says, "I have just done a silent fart, what should I do?" Husband says, "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"
Anal with my girlfriend makes my whole day But it makes her hole weak
Time Machine **What do we want?** *Time machine!* **When do we want it?** *Doesn't matter!*
I'm working on my second Billion dollars. My first billion didn't work out so I've moved on to my second.
I attempted suicide today Won't ever do that again, I almost killed myself
How many contractors does it take to screw in a light blub? None, it's a union job.
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
Did you know Obama was from Hawaii Kenya believe it?
I took my Indian friend to a Persian restaurant He said the pita was second to naan.
I come off confident and cocky cause i call my dick life. But really its cause life is short.
By accident, I wore my son's shirt to work today. It was a bit tight under the arms. Guess I should have taken his arms out of it before I put it on.
How did the deaf man get his hearing back? His wife slapped a fifth sense into him.
What kind of bee gives you immortality? A Zom-bee!!!
What do you call a Muslim entering America? Same as every other person, a tourist
So a bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here!" A time traveler walks into a bar.
An eagerly-awaited cook book "Cooking with Herbs" finally released! It's about thyme.
What's it called when you mix champagne with orange juice at breakfast? Alcoholism
Did you see the new "American Tail" movie with Donald Trump in it? Fievel goes back to Russia.
On a scale of 0 to 1, I think I'm two funny!... Well maybe, on a scale of 0 to 1, I'm nought funny.
Fell asleep at a house party last night and someone put a teabag in my mouth, I went fucking mental... No one treats me like a mug
I heard Beyonce is having twins... !RemindMe 18 years
A jew, christian, and muslim all walk into a bar... the muslim explodes
What do Donald Trump's toupee and a thong have in common They both barely cover an asshole.
So my drug dealer sold me a pair of shoes. I don't know what he laced them with, but I'm tripping.
An F5 tornado went through Arkansas last week... It did $150 million worth of improvements.
They say sex doesn't count until you're two inches in So I'll be a virgin forever
Genetic engineering now allows parents to select the eye color of their children. More great work from the University of Josef Mengele.
USSR- United States Snowflakes & Retards.
How do you create a hipster? Give a homeless guy an iPhone.
Teacher: If you have 52 watermelons in one hand, and 43 apples in the other, you give 7 fruits to your friend, what do you have? Student: A friend
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer ...than the men who mention it.
A pirate goes to a doctor... A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them. "It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"
Two cannibals are eating Carlos Mencia. One of them turns to the other and says, "Hey, didn't we see this joke yesterday?"
My wife treats me like God, she ignores me until she wants something
How does a Trump supporter fit 50,000 books in their living room? In the fireplace.
I know that Jesus was black Because he was carpenter yet you never heard about him building anything
Why do so many blues musicians come from Korea? Theres a lot of Seoul
What did the oceans say to eachother? Nothing, they just waved.
How does a chemistry teacher pick up girls? "Hey baby, wanna head back to my place and form a covalent bond?"
How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two One to screw in the lightbulb and 1 to hold the Cock Edit: Father Edit2: Ladder
What's the difference between and out law and an in law? Outlaws are wanted.
Why can't t-rex clap their hands? Because they're all dead.
An introvert walks into a bar... Then immediately walks out because fuck that shit.
Hooters Hooters is known for two things......boobs
Hey buddy do you want to see the game this Sunday? *Puts on 1997 movie "The Game" by David Fincher*
When in doubt ... Wife : I doubt my husband has been cheating on me.... I have doubt on one woman we both know.... What to do? Shrink: Take your husband to that woman's doorstep and see if his wi-fi connects automatically.
Bowling Green Massacre jokes are in bad taste Show some respect for the victims!
Apple has now turned to medical accessories!! their first product is the Ipatch!
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a baby polar bear? It will be a year before the baby polar bear kills its first seal.
I have a girlfriend but.... "But what?" "She's in another nation" "Which one?" "Imagination"
What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
What kind of pants does a scientist wear? A pair of genes.
Why can't you wear 'Y' fronts in Russia? Because Chernobyl fall out.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold your nuts this is no ordinary blowjob!
Yes, I?ve lost to my computer at chess... But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.
Why do people never eat clocks? Because it?s really time consuming.
My son got hold of my autobiography and threw the pages all around the house. I really need to sort my life out.
If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles... This way, my friends will find me faster.
In Trumps America he's not Aladdin He's Aladout
Job interview in a psychiatry... So you?re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people? I?ve been on Facebook for 5 years now. Very good, the job is yours.
What perches on your computer and says "Pieces of seven, pieces of seven"? A parity error
My friends asked me to impersonate a lion. It was a roaring success.
I've spilt paint. It's a dyer situation.
The neighbours kept me up last night because they were having sex into the early hours of the morning. I would have asked my wife to knock on their door, but she was out playing tennis with her friends.
I was gunna write the great American nursing home romance novel... ....but the title "50 Shades of Grey" was already taken.
What?s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One?s a Goodyear. The other?s a great year.
Porn is so unrealistic Just took a shower with my girlfriend..... And stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos.
What?s the difference between anal and oral sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
Hillary Clinton is getting her own video game. Left 4 Dead: Benghazi
Why do vegetarians give good head? Because they?re used to eating nuts.
My roommate claims I'm schizophrenic. We'll show him.
How many millennials does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it's already lit, fam.
Why does the National Football League deserve Tax-Exempt Status even though it generated at least $9 billion in revenue last season? Because it is just as real as the other religions.
The most attractive part of Amy Schumer is.... Her Gravitational pull.
If you're a guy applying for a porn agency... Do you send headshots or headshots?
I painted my computer black to make it run faster... but it just stopped working
When i was 5 i thought the rain was god peeing How silly childish ideas can be...thinking god exists
How does a bass player pick up girls? He says "Hi I'm a guitarist"
Jose Cuervo is about to come out with a new Diet Tequila.... After the 2nd shot, every girl in the bar will look like they've lost 20 lbs.
Why was Six afraid of Seven Because Seven was a registered Six offender.
"Do one thing everyday that scares you." -Eleanor Roosevelt Today, I will fuck a cactus.
Throwing acid is wrong.. .. in some people's eyes.
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They just beat the room for being black.
"How long do I have to live?" "I am afraid you have a terminal illness, you only have 10 to live," said the doctor. "10 what, days, weeks, months?" "Nine"
What would happen if Hungary invaded and conquered Turkey? A new kingdom would be formed known as full.
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!! ?Wow, your dad?s a millionaire?? ?No, but he always wanted to be.?
two mice chewing on a filmrole..one of them goes.." i think the book was better".. two mice chewing on a filmrole..one of them goes.." i think the book was better"..
Beyonce has more black people inside her than. Donald trumps cabinet.
they say we learn from our mistakes thats why i am making as many as possible soon i will be a genius.. they say we learn from our mistakes thats why i am making as many as possible soon i will be a genius..
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing
I wanted to start a business selling premium dildos, but I think I can't compete with Apple selling overpriced stuff for assholes.
Yo momma so stupid... ... She didn't realize this was a repost!
Wanna hear a joke about sodium? Na
Wife : I'm leaving you! Wife : I'm leaving you Me : Why?! Wife : You lie to me constantly! Me : Ha! You don't just leave the man who invented the spatula, Amber!
What should you do if your xbox 360 gets the red ring of death? Buy a PS3
Why do the T-Rex often have trouble high-fiving? Because they're dead.
After my girlfriend got pregnant, After my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed. My address, my job, my phone number...
What language does furniture speak? Forniture Polish.
Past, Present and Future all walk into the bar at the same time... ... it was **tense**
A guy was standing on a roof of a Hotel and threatened to Jump! I Yelled "Do A Flip" I am now Fired from the Suicide Watch...
Have you heard about the terrorists from Hoth? They call themselves Ice-IS!
bathroom joke How long a minutes is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
Why was the hay upset? Because the straw was about to bale
This is the 21st century. Where deleting history is more important than creating history.
I asked my dad yesterday if he knew how to ruin a good joke.... He fainted.
At work tonight a woman stopped me and asked "Bathroom?" I replied, "No, my name is Chase, but you can piss on my face if you'd like."
Never ask the Secretary of State for directions. All he'll tell you to do is trun right and trun left. ( a∞ \ñ a∞)
My dad was trembling when I told him my brother and I had gotten jobs as valets. I guess he really didn't like the idea of having parking sons.
A Woody Joke What wood happen if you had a Wooden Car With Wooden Seats Wooden Tires And A Wooden Engine? It Wooden't Start
A bowlegged doe comes walking out of the woods... And says ?that?s the last time I do that for ten bucks?
What do you have when you have two little green balls in the palm of your hand?? Kermit?s undivided attention!
What's the diffrence between a hormone and an enzym? I can make an enzym, but I can't make a hormone
Not sure who this "OP" person is, but it seems like every guy on reddit has slept with his mom.
Did you hear about the man with no arms and no legs? The doctor said he would be arsing around for the rest of his life
What is the worst possible slogan for someone running for president in Germany? Make Germany great again
"Dad, what made you fall ill in Hawaii?" "Poi, son."
Measuring device. The device used to measure people's gullibility is called a Gullibilometer.
I spent last night defrosting the fridge Or "foreplay" as she used to call it
What do Canadians listen to when they go clubbing? Seal
There was a question on my math test that asked whether the slope of a line was positive or negative... I said yes
Yo mamas so fat It takes her 2 trips to haul ass!
/r/Jokes is like America. Nothing Pro-Trump will get a popular vote.
I'm here to kiss ass and chew bubblegum. And I'm all out- wait, shit.
What do you experience when you meditate inside a Turkish prison? The deep state.
What kind of swimsuit do you wear to the zoo? Zuchini
It's so easy to understand people who work at the US mint They make a lot of cents.
I felt a little behind in Middle School It was a major bummer when the cops found out :(
People say I don't have friends. They're wrong. I have 10 seasons on DVD.
What does a car do when a ram is running towards it? Dodge.
Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger kill insects? Because he's an ex-terminator
My friend just said this... "I know I've reached my ultimate form when all I do is hit dabs in my bathroom and watch Naruto."
Mooncakes put the fat Into gong hei fat choy
Back in 2013, BeyoncÈ did an amazing 'Lights Out' performance. So did the stadium.
Why is breakfast a prisoners favorite meal? Because he is a cereal killer.
Everything is so political nowadays I turned on nickelodeon to see Bob the builder building a wall so Dora couldn't explore.
"I don't need both, but I want both" That's what he said.
What the difference between carbon and my ex? She could form more than 4 bonds at the same time.
A female chicken wearing a tie is known to do some weird shit with tentacles. Hentai.
People keep telling me I don't have friends. That's not true, I have all 10 seasons on DVD.
When Donald Trump has sex, his female partner is always on top. Because he can only fuck up.
How did the dwarf reach the cookies on top of the fridge? He Imp-provised.
A Buddhist walks into an ice cream shop and says make me one with everything.
My dishwasher stopped working today Ironically, my dishwasher got the dishwasher in the divorce
I was gonna make an anal joke ..Butt fuck it
Muslims say islam is the religion of peace Everyone else says they forgot the S.
Utz and Disney are teaming up to make a new snack food. They're called "Dis-Nutz".
A police officer called his station back on Radio. He was at a murder scene where an old woman shot her husband for stepping on just mopped floor. Dispatch: So was an Arrest made ? Officer: Not yet. Dispatch: ? Officer: The floor is still wet.
What time does Sean Connery like to play racquet sports? Ten-ish
She's a beautiful girl, inside and out... I know, because I've been inside her
What's the most popular kind of music in the Czech Republic? Prague Rock
A deaf man to a man on street : are you deaf? Man on the street : no, I'm deaf! First man: oh! I thought you are deaf.
This Native American guy claimed I was insensitive to his culture, saying I've never walked a mile in their shoes. I asked What are you going to do? Sioux me?
Caught My wife walked in on me having sex with our daughter. I don't know what she was more upset about. The fact that I was having sex with our daughter or that the abortion clinic let me keep her...
What's Trump's favorite molecular bond? Van der Waals
Friend told me that I was already the Michael Jordan of my sport I play baseball.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar Edit: a bar walks into Chuck Norris
Why don't blondes get sick very often? Viruses and bacteria also have their pride!
Where does The Fonz like to eat? Chic-Fil-Ayyy!
I went to a Charlie Chaplin look alike contest, the guy who won was some German chap, the judges gave him perfect neins
Q: What's the funniest thing to ever come out of Sarah Silverman's mouth? **A:** Jimmy Kimmel's dick.
Why was the kid swinging? Peer pressure. His friends started to do drugs last month.
What do you call a Northern Iraqi with a yeast infection? A cheese Kurd.
My wife asked me... "Why do you always rest your hands on top of my head when I go down on you?" I told her- "Because if I didn't, I'd probably end up applauding."
I painted my laptop black... I painted my laptop black in the hopes that it would run faster... Now it doesn't work. :(
why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he was feeling crumby. jokie
What does a pregnancy and alcoholism have in common? They can both be ended with a twelve step program
You know what really blew people's minds in the '90s? Kurt Cobain's suicide. Blew his too.
My mom found out I am gay and that she doesn't want me going down a dark road So I told her I was going to start dating black guys from now on. (Actual true story)
If you're a polyglot, you speak 4+ languages, if you're trilingual you speak three languages, and if you're bilingual you speak two languages. What are you if you speak one language? American
Trump is eco-friendly He'll build his wall out of the (99%) recycled material on /r/Jokes
What do you call someone who has had no friends for 5 years? A Sandy Hook survivor.
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer one turns to the other and says "does this person taste funny to you?", the other responds "I though this was pork!"
Why are married women heavier than single women? A wedding ring has mass.
Have you read the book "The Yellow River"? It's the greatest.
Why can't Jesus play rugby? He won't support the hooker
Have you ever wondered why they have a women's studies major in colleges but no men's studies major? Well actually they do, it's called World History.
3 logicians walk into a bar the bartender asks "is everyone having a beer?" the first logician says "I dont know" the second logician says "I dont know" the third logician says "yes"
Trump passes a travel ban for all his supporters. They are not allowed to leave the county.
What event will Mexico win in the next summer Olympics? Hurdles, high jump and pole vault.
Asked my dad what LGBT stands for He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously I had to reply with "Garnish". [True story. My dad is not an idiot either, totally normal human.]
Why do people dress up for their flights? Ain't no one got time to dress you before your burial if the plane is falling. **If hell exists, I just bought 1st front row business class ticket there**
Rockets? Maybe. But the Chinese haven't contributed to aviation. After all, two Wongs don't make a Wright.
If Al Gore had his own drumming software company he should name it... AlGoreRythyms
When I go out with a girl I always look in her eyes If she is not blind, I already know that I have no chance with her.
Did you hear about the robbery at the bakery? The guy ab*scone*ded after the crime. I'll see myself out...
Scientists have discovered a new gay dinasaour... The Megasoreass
My friend was reading an anti-gravity book... He couldn't put it down.
Why does Jeffrey Dahmer have a blender on his front porch? So when he gets visitors, he can greet them with a hand shake!
I watched a porno movie last night... It was pretty good but the plot had a lot of holes.
I hit the gym today. Broke my hand on the entrance doors.
What is a mountain sized bird made of? Well, part cliff, partridge.
You can predict the punchline If you're a fortune teller...
TIFU by gatecrashing an amputee conference... It was just a bit of 'armless fun.
I?ve never been married, but I can imagine how it feels... I once had a stone stuck in my shoe for 10 hours.
Dunno why people like to associate Comcast with the Nazis It's not like they're the fascist out there.
You remind me of a door Because you're a-door-able :}
I tried coming up with a joke about mean people. But they were all just average
Enough about my weight!!! ?I?ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I?m leaving you!? ?But honey, what about our child?? ?What child?!? ?Oh, so you?re not pregnant??
Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns? Son: Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns? Mother: Because there?s a wedding going on. Son: But isn?t the horn a warning signal, Mommy? Mother: Exactly, son.
I call my ex-girlfriend Titanic Jack Because she's as cold as ice
what did the pencil sharpener say to the broken pencil.. that he should stop acting so littlepointed..
Yo Mama's like Wal-Mart. Errybody's been to her grand opening!
I never understood why everyone hates mean people. I just think their average.
What do you call it when you commit suicide on Hanukkah A Jewicide
An old woman lies dead on the side of the road... and she has semen in her eyes. The policeman looked at her and said 'Looks like she saw her killer coming.' (Not sure if this one was posted before, I saw it on another site and couldn't see it here)
ballons ballons are like souls,they wanna go up but they can't and when you pop them,they scream...sorry
Did you know that if you spell... Window backwards is window. It's not, but for a second you believed me.
I once tried greeting everyone I met by saying "titanic"... Turns out it wasn't a very good ice breaker
Rape is not funny Unless you are raping a clown
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code. To me, "life" just became a series of dots and dashes.
What did the Jamaican say after winning the barefoot marathon? "Da trill of victory always betta dan de agony of de feet!"
It's not that hard to tell an alligator and a crocodile apart.. One will see you later and the other will see you in a while
Fire is hot And ISIS cold
What do you eat when you go hiking? Trail mix
What does an Arab guy say when he's happy? - Yemen! What does an Arab guy say when something upsets him? - Oman...
I remember tears in my eyes when dad chopped onions. Onions was a great dog.
Someone asked me to validate their parking So I said, "You did a very good job. I am very proud of you." ^^I'm ^^sorry. ^^I ^^actually ^^said ^^that ^^to ^^someone ^^at ^^work ^^today.
Today I went to my meeting of the Premature Ejaculation group Turns out it is tomorrow.
What do you call a bird that punches people? Steven Seagull
I went to an international "Flat Earther" convention the other day Turns out they have members all around the world
My friend Gary doesn't know why Richard isn't interested in his donkey... He really wants to get Dick into his ass.
What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles
Why are people so outraged and grossed out by incest? I think they should get some perspective. There are much worse things happening in the world and, really, it's all relative.
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
A bartender walks into a stable The horse says "Why the wrong place?"
My wife asked me, "Why don't you ever come to yoga class with me??"... "That's kind of a stretch for me"
I understand why bakers are addicted to baking bread. Sometimes they just knead it.
I've got Yellow Fever.. Don't hit on me just because I'm Asian
My wife bought a new dress and asked me if it made her look fat I said, "Of course not, honey. It's not the dress. It's your lack of discipline and self-control."
I accidentally ate some food coloring the other day... The doctor said that I'm fine, but I still feel like a little bit of me dyed that day.
Do you know what my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket? How far do you think I can kick this bucket?
TIL how not to install a fence Ooops... wrong place for this post
What is a feminists favorite operating system? eunuch
How do you get payed for doing nothing all day? Become an FBI agent!
I wouldn't piss on Donald Trump if he were on fire. But for $100,000 a few Russian hookers will.
What is the difference between a refrigerator and a child? It isn't a crime to stick your meat in a refrigerator.
Why doesn't Trump have a pet dog at the White House? He only pets pussy.
My wife is like the biggest fish I ever caught. Just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
My son asked me if I like his hand after he taped a bunch of coins to it I said I like the change.
How do you make one million dollars in a month? Start with five million and become a day trader.
How are cars, computer parts, and animals similar? Dodge Ram, RAM, and the ram.
I Added Paul Walker on Xbox Live We never really get around to playing games though, he's always just stuck on the dashboard.
I stopped a rape from happening today! All I had to do was stop chasing her.
Lost 130lbs & gained a new life. Soon I'll be rolling in pussy! Girlfriend is gone now, but she left her pregnant cat behind on the bed.
I heard Audi botched their new commercial I guess they can say Audi-ous to their customers.
Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people. Kinda like yo momma.
What was Donald Trumps first comment after moving into the Oval Office? "Hey fellas, it's so nice of you to leave some condoms for me in the desk drawer, but their diameter is about 3X too large!"
What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles in your pants.
Life as a redditor I saw a pretty girl. Finally I plucked up the courage, and asked for her number. She said "got a pen?" I said yes. She said "well get back in it you fat fucking pig".
What is red and smells like blue paint Red paint
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey... "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "No I didn't, I said she was fucking Goofy."
I don't get why everyone is so worried about Trump. He hasn't even been in office for a month. I'm sure once he has some time to learn and get things done, America will turn out all white.
Just heard Michael Vick retired... Doesn't surprise me. He was an old dog anyways.
An antidepressant a day Keeps me from blowing my head away
I keep telling my female friend that my dick is great... She just needs to be in a position to appreciate it
Why is Charles Umar Terrence-Elliott Able to get so many dates? People always think he's cute, initially.
[nsfw] What did Trump feel when he heard about the civilian casualties in Yemen? Beluga caviar popping against the roof of his mouth.
Whats something that's hard and long and full of seamen? A submarine of course!
Are people with aspergers really not able to detect sarcasm? Sorry to break it to you, but I think you have aspergers.
"Dad, I'm a lesbian" "That's okay", says her dad "We still have your sister." "Sorry dad", says his second daughter "I'm lesbian, too" Their father sighs: "So nobody here digs men?" "I still do!" calls his son.
What did Shakespeare say on the last day if his summer vacation? Once more unto the beach
Just heard there's a cure for dyslexia It was like music to my arse
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a few seconds one whispers to the other That?s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.
There's something sinister about the woman who stands next to me at the male sex doll factory She gives me the willies
The MOMA announced that they were opening a new section in the museum for art from Madrid. Nobody expected the Spanish exhibition.
What do you call a guy with no limbs in a pile of leaves? Russell
A New Patent A company has just requested a patent for a laser that prohibits name brand sunglasses: A Ray-Ban ban ray, if you will.
I was so poor growing up If I didn't wake up with an erection I had nothing to play with
Two silk worms Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
If I had a dollar every time a baby boomer insulted me... I could afford a house in the economy they ruined
Alaskan Eye Doctor I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island... but it turned out to be an optical aleutian.
Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a younger looking girl "Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing bangin' that chick. She looks like she's in highschool" Sherlock replied, "Elementary, my dear Watson"
Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his front porch? To greet people with a handshake.
Three blondes were driving to Disneyland... Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. When they were close to the destination they saw a sign: ?Disneyland Left?. They stopped, started to cry and finally turned around and drove back home.
What camps are designed for people with ADHD? Concentration camps.
I once dated a girl named Plosion but then we broke up I guess you could say she is an exPlosion
Two bears are eating a cannibal. Two bears are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and asks: "Since we are eating a cannibal, are we eating more than one person?" The Other responds: "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING BEAR!"
Democratic Party [removed]
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? a sheep can hear a zipper from 100 meters away
Why can't milk cartons wear flip flops? Because they lactose
What's brown, lonely and sits on a piano bench? Beethoven's last movement.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh
What's the difference between calling out to your hispanic friend vs calling out to your Ex? You shout "Jorge!" when calling to your friend. You shout "Hey Whore!" when calling to your ex.
What do you call a black man whos an astronaut? An astronaut, you fucking racist...
All sex offenders follow the golden rule... You touch you take.
There's 4 things I hate in this world. Racism, niggers, and people who can't count.
They say that if you are good and righteous you will ascend into heaven... Otherwise you will split apart into small groups.
Adolf Hitler has never touched Call of Duty... ...and yet, he still has a better KDR than me.
Where do you find firehoes? In the alley behind the firehouse.
I hate when people ask me if I'm hard at work... Every time I am, I get written up by the HR lady.
What do you get when you cross semen and cum? SPum
I'm not really a religious person, but I do like to keep my weed in a hollowed-out Bible... I guess you could call me an eighth-theist.
Why is it so hard to find a priest in Amsterdam? They're all high priests.
Someone made Bob Ross mad *artistic screeching*
I got fired for sticking my penis in the meat grinder... that punishment was nothing compared to the one I got when I told my wife that the meat grinder's name is Jenny.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea He said he cant complain.
How do you make a black person nervous? Take him with you to an auction. A joke a classmate told me. Simon, if you read this: enough credits? :P
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey!
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese
Im graduating for my biology study in a few weeks.. Im writing a killer fotosynthesis
Scientists have discovered a rare mutation that causes autosomal dominant inheritance of violent diarrhea In hindsight we should've known something like that would run in the genes.
I had to perform surgery on a lamb's brain yesterday. Just call me a gyro surgeon.
What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeÒo business
Why did the pianist go to jail? Because he would only play with A Minor
One shudders to think how much worse the Bowling Green Massacre would have been... ... If it weren't for the heroic intervention by Frederick Douglass.
"Aren't you really busy tomorrow?" "Woah buddy don't assume my agenda"
Why did Donald Trump fail his college math class? He was uncomfortable with the concept of integration.
What time do you go to the dentist? Tooth hurty
How do you make a pound of fat look sexy? Put a nipple on it.
If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive They would eventually find me attractive.
When my grandma died, I got her most prized vagina fart in a bottle. She bequeefed it to me.
Why are hippy drum circles like high frequency radiation? They both cause the formation of free radicals.
What is a pirates favorite toy? Aaaarrhh Sea Boats!
So a guy asked me if I ever dropped my phone in a beer before... I said "yeah, once in a Blue Moon".
What is the sexual orientation of a bodybuilder? Bicepsual
I want to get back into my house but I can't, There's a door in the way
My girlfriend broke up with me for listening to Linkin Park But in the end it doesn't even matter.
What do you call a schizophrenic fruit? Pearanoid.
A girl goes to the doctor... Putting his stethoscope to the young woman's chest, the doctor said, "Big breaths, dear." She smiled. "Yup. And I'm not even thixteen yet!"
I won't be getting another iphone because of the horrible shellback. *spellcheck! Not shellback! Ducking phone...
Why would Groot make a terrible spy? Because he's an obvious plant.
Trump's Inauguration Speech Was Uploaded onto Pornhub "Rich White Man Fucks Entire Country"
A few weeks in they're already talking about impeachment... What an un-presidented turn of events.
A man brings his cat.... A man brings his cat to a veterinarian. He lives the cat there and returns in two days, as preagreed. He asks the veterinarian: Is my cat still alive? Still not...
What is the worst part about time travelling jokes? Yours considered a Repost when they take it and go back and use it before you.
They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away... But my aim is terrible so...
Wanna hear a racist joke? Nevermind. None of the white people would understand it.
I like my women how I like my pickles. Sweet and petite ( a∞ \ñ a∞)
A Donkey Fell Into A Bowl Of Sugar What a sweet ass
If your mommy ... would sit between America and Mexico Trump doesnt need to build a wall.
One day, Pavlov is drinking in a bar. Then a man enters the bar and rings the bell on top of the door. Pavlov says "Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog"
What do you call a gay version of Donald Trump? Flaming Hot Cheeto!
Why was Biggie mad at 2Pac? It all started when 2pac innocently said, "Yeah, sure, it's cool, invite all the rappers to my party, no biggie."
People all over the country are dropping dead due to high blood sugar... I guess they're suffering from a serious case of Die-betes
Hungry Clock When a clock eats, does it go back four seconds?
I have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. In my case, it is a sexually transmitted disease.
I saw thor reading a thor comic... to be honest, I think it might be a metathor.
What are the worst kind of jokes? Unfunny jokes
A Knock Knock Joke *Knock knock* Who's there? Erma. Erma who? Ermagerd, stop with all that knocking!!! .... so I was very tired. At least my fiancÈ laughed.
Why are Jews so good at racing? Because they used to step on the gas.
You know what's really odd? Numbers not divisible by two.
I love hockey. It's really an ice game.
Where did the geologist husband and mineralogist wife buy their first home? In agated community.
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer One turns to the other and asks, "does this taste funny to you?" The other responds, "no."
My refuel warning is always on, even after I've just filled up! I think I'm being gaslighted.
Why did the rooster cross the road His wife left him
People say that Steve Jobs died to soon. But I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company?s attitude to battery life
What is the most valuable kind of sheep? A ewe.
Why was the sun annoyed to be called a she? Cause it's a non-binary star
When you say the word poop, your mouth does the same motion as your butt hole. Same can be said for the phrase "explosive diarrhea".
What's the worst type of suicide ? The failed one.
In Soviet Russia, Muslims ban America!!
-when I donate blood I don't have to do it my self, the nurse does it.. -yes but this is a sperm bank and it's different -awful service
What's better than 69? 77 because you get ate more. -Redd Foxx
What did the snail say when it rode a turtle? "WEEEEEEEEEEEE"
What do plants use to fill holes in walls, Chloroplast-er
Who wins an argument? The side with the most points.
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? The drummer.
Hitler seems to get a lot of hate these days, but to the man's credit.. he *did* kill Hitler.
What do women who just got dumped and advanced programmers have in common? They both want closure!
If Melania divorces Donald Trump Then an immigrant will get half of the US in the divorce settlement :)
I'm never sure if it's a Dad joke Are those the ones that hit you later when you're doing something else? Or the ones you don't get till the weekend? :(
What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a folk guitarist? A rock guitarist can play all night without tuning and folk guitarist can tune all night without playing.
I'm worried about my friend. He was bragging about getting a handjob from his teacher. I said, "That's disgusting, you're homeschooled."
I gave a girl my phone number and told her to text me when she got home. I guess shes homeless.
Invisible... A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."
Two kids were talking... Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night! Kid 1: Lies! Kid 2: Ask your sister. Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister! Kid 2: You will in about nine months! Edit: Thanks for the support guys!
Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe? Mi to sis
When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck... Damn dial-up!
Told my wife I was going to give her something for Valentines I've never given her before She said "An orgasm?"
What did the DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat?
"May I sleep with your sister?" is such an awkward question to ask. I have no idea how my dad is going to respond.
How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs? He will build alternative fact-tories
Why do women wear make-up and perfume? Because they're ugly...and they smell bad.
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
Why did Uber CEO Travis Kalanick quit the Trump advisory council? He couldn't get a ride...
Knock, knock. -Who's there? -The doctor! -Doctor who? -Yes, that's me!
I read an article that said it's good for your eyesight to look at something distant occasionally during computer use. So I put a picture of my dad next to the monitor.
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they're both stuck up cunts.
A feminist asked me how I view lesbians... ... apparently in HD wasn't the correct answer.
Had a great time protesting at UC Berkeley! It was a riot!
Why are married women heavier than single women? When single women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in the fridge, and head for bed. When married women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in bed, and head for the fridge.
Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults. Every kid gets atrophy.
Tried going to the obesity clinic before work today. But the queue was enormous.
When I first met my son I thought he was a whiny little baby. But he grew on me.
The husband asks the wife... The husband asks the wife: -Babe which do you like the best, strawberry or banana? The wife asks him: -Why are you at the Supermarket? The husband replys: No I'm at the pharmacy...
So I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the women officer she looked stunning.. Then I fucked up by telling her "and that's not even the drinks talking".
Oh Darling... Oh darling, since you?ve started dieting, you?ve become such a passionate kisser& What do you mean, passionate? I?m looking for food remains!
I just ended a 5 year relationship today. It's okay. It wasn't my relationship.
My roommate was a monster He said he hated me with every inch of his soul. He would take ants and put them on my face and clothes. I did nothing whatsoever at him. I've since left that room, but I wished he didn't antagonize me that much.
I couldn't be happier! For the first time in my life a girl told me she loves me. Aren't moms great?
Why are malay people so thin? Because they muslim.
What turns a fruit into a vegetable? Aids.
What's "meme" in French? Moimoi.
I need help I have a problem of creating topics just for the sake of delivering some lame ass punchline or a pun even if the topic itself is moot, and I need professional help with that. It just happens like one-two and that's that.
It confuses me why people feel comfortable with government surveillance as ?they have nothing to hide, so nothing to fear?.... &.but get really scared when I ask them to take their clothes off.
I'm so embarrassed, I got caught getting a blow job by my mum last week.. The worst thing is it was my dad who caught us
Paddy and Mick walk past a police station.... Paddy and Mick walk past a police station, with a sign up saying "Two Brazilian men wanted for rape". Paddy turns to Mick and says "Ah Jaysus, dem fuckers always get the best jobs."
I like my women like I like my coffee... Hot and all over my lap while I'm driving.
Aladdin sings to Jasmine "I can show you the woorld.. Except the United States"
What's a young dog's favourite type of pizza? pupperoni
I like my jokes how I like my laundry Dry.
Vegetable rationing Some supermarkets are rationing lettuce, I think this is just the tip of the iceberg...
After many years of philosophizing, I have decided to affirm the principle of non-contradiction... ...And deny it.
How is the bar at the ghost wedding set up? Boo's on the left, Spirit's on the right
What does Scrabble and a circle jerk have in common? It's a great way for a family to come together.
My friend just got an Amazon Echo. I said, "Alexa, hi, how are y--" She said, "I have a boyfriend."
wanna read a dirty joke... ;) a white horse ran through a muddy puddle
Turns out I'm allergic to alcohol ...It's the damnedest thing. After 12 or 13 beers, I throw up!
What currency do they use in outer space? Starbucks.
Ghost walks into a bar Bartender says sorry we don't serve spirits here.
Preston: Knock Knock! Mom: Who's There Preston: Preston. Mom: Preston who? Preston let out a disheartening sigh as he walked away from the door, knowing his mother's Alzheimer's was getting worse.
I can say I'm one of those prodigy geniuses who just don't have any enthusiasm. All I need now is to be a genius.
Not quite what she was expecting... Guy: I work with animals every day! Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own- Guy: I'm a butcher.
What Do You Call a Twitchy Boat at the Bottom of the Sea? A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between the show Jackass and CNN news? Suits
Recently I visited my daughter. When I asked her newspaper, she said: Dad, this is the 21st century, take my IPad. What can I say ... this fly did not know what killed her.
A joke for Donald Trump - what do you get when you cross Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles? Killed in a tunnel
Why do tampons have strings attached to them? So the crabs can go bungee jumping.
What do you call the winner of the beauty pageant for teenagers who've had an abortion? Little miss conception
What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his exams? "Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything!"
I know of a guy who fucked millions of people at a time It was a whole nation he did this to. His name is Donald Trump.
I learned out that my wife loves cocktails I told her that it's growing your pubes in one direction and no one does that
What's the difference..... Between and suicide vest and a modern feminist? At least the vest achieves something when it's triggered.
What's the first amendment in Super Mario's constitution? Freedom of Peach
Groundhog Day is a classic. It sure has great replay value.
A man walks in to a hospital And says to the doctor "I have five penises". The doctor asked him how his pants fitted. "Like a glove" he replied.
I may look like a joke to you.... ...but I'm completely dad inside
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow
I don't see anything wrong with the KKK It's just the precursor to 4K TV
Why did the cartographer get kicked out of map making club He had a bad latitude
My friend liked puns too much. We called him a Pundit.
So a Nazi officer just lost his eyesight. I guess he can Nazi anymore.
I apologize for all those things I said and did... I was on a lot of drugs back then. Doctor siad it wasn't enough, so he gave me more drugs. Now I'm better.
What do you call a snowman who trades sex for money? A Frostitute.
I was afraid that I had stepped on my child's hamster this morning... ... but laughed when I double checked. I had just tripped on a little puddle of blood and fur.
Evolutionists found the first humans were a Jewish male, a Georgian male and a Russian female... Their names were Arron Gutan, Chimpanidze and Gavrila...
How does Hitler sneeze? **a-jew* *
What's the difference between an underpowered motorbike and an overused vagina? One's a laggy scooter, and the other's a slaggy cooter!
How does Perry the pea pod greet his mate Kevin the corn kernel? Morn'in cob.
I don't understand why they say ignorance is bliss Trump supporters always seem so unhappy and angry
What's a carrot's favorite type of dancing? Tap root dancing.
What is a 14 year old with two broken arms favorite piece of clothing? Oedipal underwear
What's the best part about dating a homeless man? You can drop him off anywhere
Being buried... Friend 1: What scares you the most? Friend 2: Being buried... Friend 1: Why? Friend 2: I don't want to talk about it, the thought of it scares me to death.
What's the favorite sex position of Git users? Revert cowgirl.
What's the best thing about an Oprah Winfrey joke? You get the joke! You get the joke! You all get the joke!
The bartender says, ?We don?t serve time travelers in here.? A time traveler walks into a bar...
What do you call a gay black man? A homiesexual.
So I replaced all of the incense in the Friar's chamber with Marijuana He's a High priest now
Why was the blind Mexican only saying "no"? Because he couldn't Si
My Asian friend got his Jewish wife pregnant. I guess "Cha Ching" wasn't an appropriate name suggestion
A couple were at a divorce court just a month after getting married The judge asked the wife " Why you want divorce so soon?" Wife: " He has a problem with premature ejaculation." Husband " I'm totally fine with that, its she who finds it a problem"
Trump never eats russian salad... He knows what Vladmir Putin it.
I had a company that sold miniature bibles that would fit in your wallet, but if failed. The margins were too small.
What do you call a Mormon at a rave? An LDS on LSD
Why did the mermaid wear seashells? Because the B shells were too small and the D shells were too big.
Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
Why do all gay men sound the same? Because they are Homonyms
Giving birth isn't as painful as being kicked in the nuts I've never heard a man say 'let's do that again' afterwards
A new exchange student from Spain came into our class. We made fun of his accent at first, but it quickly became clear he was incredibly intelligent. Everyone was surprised. No one expected the Spanish erudition.
Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it. Because elephants never forget.
Why aren't Alpacas good in the porn idustry? Because spitters are quitters
Just left an interview and they told me there'd be a drug test. I'm not worried, though. I know a lot about drugs, so it should be a pretty easy test.
KGB Agents Two KGB Agents talk: - What happened to him? - He ate bad mushrooms - Why are there beating marks on the body? - He didn't want to eat them
What did the stoner name his daughter? Mary Joanna
A Crayola truck just got robbed for profit We're currently searching for the purple traders
The U.S., the U.K, Germany and France all start a new game of Dungeons and Dragons in 2017. What's the first action the U.S. makes? A Constitution saving throw.
I didn't know whether to use ser or estar.... I didn't expect the Spanish indecision
#NotMyGroundhog Cold weather triggers me
What do you call a loud, mentally disabled dog? A sub-ruffer.
Did you hear about the woman who backed into an airplane? Disaster.
What do you get when you mix sodium hydroxide with hydrochloric acid? Water, and /r/leagueoflegends
When a girl sleeps around, she gets called easy... But when **I** do it, all I get is crabs.
Trump has been looking smaller and smaller lately. He's on the low-fact diet.
Have you heard the joke about the man with a micropenis? He had a micropenis. That's the joke. Short, isn't it?
A lesbian goes to the gynaecologist... He shines his pen torch and has a decent look "Crikey, it's extremely clean in here, Mrs", she smiles and replies "It bloody well should be. I get a woman in three times a week"
I went to see Don Quixote at the theater yesterday and there was a short break in the middle of the play. We didn't know it would happen, no one expected the Spanish intermission.
How to make scrambled eggs Step 1: Find omelette recipe Step 2: Follow omelette recipe until folding step Step 3: Try to fold the omelette in the pan Step 4: Fuck it up because how the fuck do you even do that Step 5: Enjoy scrambled eggs
I knew an Indian who drank so much tea that he died in his tea pee
Wow, Donald Trump is President. I haven't seen Democrats this mad since.... ...slavery was outlawed and the desegregation of public schools!
I'm not addicted to cocaine I just like the way it smells.
What's the difference between a rock musician and a jazz musician? A rock musician plays 3 chords for 20,000 people, and a jazz musician plays 20,000 chords for 3 people
What's green and fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you? A pool table.
What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? So she can moan with the other!
Why do Jewish people have circumcised penises? Because they're 20% off
What do you call a Muslim walrus? A halalrus
(read in vampire voice) Do you know what is ironic about a vampire penis? You, suck it.
What's the best way to run Meincraft on a Windows computer? By using DOS-Fuhrer
A bartender says "Hey! We don't serve faster-than-light particles here!" A tachyon flies into a bar.
How do farmers get the party started? They turnip the beets.
What do you call a piece of corn all by itself? A Unicorn.
Puxatony Phil has seen his shadow... burned permanetly into a stone wall. He's predicted a nuclear winter.
What did Neil Gorsuch say when asked why he ruled against Roe v Wade? Not my precedent
I hate grammar Nazis But I love the alt-write. I'll be here until I start yesterday's hw
Saw a midget carrying a television the other day I asked him if he need any help carrying the television. He told me to fuck off and said its an ipad.
I really don't like punchlines They hurt.
What do you call a female to male surgery? addadicktome
It's rude to call someone a fob You just assumed they understand English
How do jews celebrate Christmas? By installing a parking meter on the roof.
What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending
I got fired from my job at Whole Foods They caught me selling half foods!!!
Squaring numbers is just like girls If they're under 13, just do them in your head
How many vampires does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It depends if you Count Dracula.
What is the worst part of having sex with a 4 year old? Getting the blood out of the clown costume can be such a bitch
My girlfriend and I were about to go for a late night walk. Her dad said, "Don't forget to wrap up." I said, "Don't be silly, she's on the pill."
Do you want to satisfy your hardcore food fetish? Buy my new book: 50 Shades of Grey Poupon
Why can't Americans watch Lord of the Rings? They don't have the Two Towers.
TIL Donald Trump played Football when he was in college. He played de fence.
What's a Viking leaders pleasure? Leif Blower
I once bought condoms the day before a girl I was dating broke up with me. I suffer from premature emasculation.
Today is a ballerinas favorite day... Its 2-2
I never knew my ex wanted me back so much. In fact, today he called me "white trash" because he just had to take me out.
What's the same about the force and herpes? They will be with you, always.
If sneezing means someone's thinking about you... I guess that explains why I never got sick before
Whats clean and dirty at the same time? A single guy just out of the shower.
Why do magicians never perform tricks behind windows? Because they are a pane to do tricks behind.
What do you call a singing computer? A-Dell
Why are there so many bakeries in the Deep South ? Because all the people down there are inbred
MOMMY MOMMY, I DONT WANT TO VISIT GRAMPA! Shut up and keep digging...
You know who's a real lady killer? David Berkowitz (aka Son of Sam)
What does a dog get after going to college? A pedigree.
Tourettes I took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesnt have it, I actually am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.
Viagra Viagra should be classified as a hard drug.
What is the Latin word for Hipster? *Pretentious Pretentious*
What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow ? Reality .
My mother keeps asking me when I am going to get married And my answer is always the same, "I'm sorry, mom, but I'm afraid you will not live until that moment. You have cancer."
What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard.
Why did the blonde get into a car accident? She thought "dodge" and "ram" were instructions
Liberals declared leukemia to be racist There's too many white cells.
We were having a family dinner when my grandma started telling one of her old holocaust survival stories I said, "Stop it, grandma, this is not germane right now."
What was one of Gregory Mendel's conclusions Death.
What do you call a con artist with a degree in psycology? Sigmund Fraud.
"Girl, are you a popular work of fiction?" "Because I want to self-insert myself into you."
My girlfriend is quite selfish in the bedroom I gave her an orgasm last night and she spat it back in my face
They had to stop the leprosy hockey game Due to a face-off in the corner. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your waitress
My waifu is the square root of -100 She's a perfect 10, but imaginary.
I just turned on nickelodeon and saw bob the builder building a wall... ... to keep Dora from exploring.
"What line should we wait in for food?" "Pho queue"
I don't date coworkers... Not for lack of trying...it just hasn't worked out so far.