corrade-lsl-templates – Rev 15
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What makes Jeff such a bad boy Racist sessions
What do you call a really smart dinosaur? A Professaur.
I hate breakups. Especially when they try to let you down gently. "It's not you, it's me" "I just need some space" "We can still be cousins".
I learned a few things today. 1. I'm gonna be a dad! 2. I'm gonna be an uncle! 3. My sisters not on the pill.
He likes to bury coal He's a deepholeable
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
Instead of The sandy Hook students recieving books... They got Magazines instead.
A woman was telling her friend , "I helped my husband become a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" "A billionaire."
DNA Test :) Dad: What?s ur Result? Son: I?ve failed in 5 subjects. Dad: From now Onwards Don?t Call Me ?DAD?. Son: Oh Come On Dad! Its my School Test Not a DNA Test.. :-D
My wife says I never listen. I can prove she's wrong. That's because she never says anything
A Redditor posted ten wordplay jokes hoping one would get to the front page... No pun in ten did.
Jack and his llama walked into a bar... They ordered a drink and had a good time.
Why did the praying mantis cannibalize her boyfriend He refused to eat her
Have you heard about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself
Why do fascists hate snowflakes? Because of Stalingrad flashbacks
Who is the most poetic videogame character? Sonnet the Hedgehog
I already got a date this valentine's day. Her name is Emma, Emma Gination.
What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? A trophy.
What are the three rings of marriage? The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.
Thyme is actually the most medicinal herb it heals all wounds
What did the Syrian say about the airline food? He'd say it was awful if he could get on the plane.
Did you guys hear about striking women? I think it's dreadful, nobody should be striking women.
I love open-minded people. Like JFK and Kurt Cobain.
Who came first. The chicken or the egg A very embarrassed rooster
My mom told me some bad news today... She said her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
A family had two boys and a girl named Anne... the brothers shared a common Anne sister.
Top tip: buying heroin? Get some extra for later. It's a bit more-ish.
Balding grizzles pass their genes to their offspring or... Bare bears bear bare bears.
Only every guy gets this..... Morning Wood
Why does Dr Pepper come in cans? Because his wife left him.
Why did the bee order a cup of coffee? For a quick buzz
Why can't the pony yell? His voice is too horse.
"Hey girl look me in the eyes" "Mmmmmno" "Why not" "I have a boyfriend. In fact I shouldn't be here sucking your dick"
Only pre-2017 kids will get this A decent public education
Don't sleep with any girl... Don't sleep with any girl that can spell gonorrhea correctly, without looking it up.
Person 1 to person 2: whats up my brother from another mother Person 2: aren't we siblings? Person 1: yeah sorry you're adopted
Why are lawyers buried deeper than regular people? Because deep down, they're really nice guys.
What's the least heavy kind of energy? Light Energy
A guy came into my shoe shop today He said, "I'd like a pair of red shoes please." "Certainly sir," I replied. "What size?" "Size 40." Fucking clown.
Thanks to World War I There are now more airplanes in the ocean than their are submarines in the sky.
If your life is awful, get a rope and a stool ...and find the next tree. Throw the rope over a branch and attach the stool to the rope. Now you've got a swing.
Why does Nancy suck at foot races? Her boots are made for walking
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, but nobody knows how they got in there
Someone stole my pencil case off my desk and ran with it I guess it's no longer stationery
I love discussing religion with the cashier at the supermarket Because the customer is always right
Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man He's always looking over his shoulder.
What did the high Australian scientist say to his partner Stoichi while holding a broccoli? "Oy Stoichi oy'ma tree! Pretty cool huh?"
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she said 'treat me like a princess!' I'm having her killed in a traffic accident in Paris.
My doctor gave me 4 weeks to live He said he'll shoot me if I still can't pay his bill.
Yesterday someone knocked on my door. When I opened it I was surprised to see Bill Gates standing on my front porch. "Have you accepted the Microsoft Terms and Conditions into your heart?" he asked. Apparently he's joined the Windows Witnesses.
What's the difference between the Catholic Church and Pimples... Pimples don't come on your face until you turn 10
What do you call a millionaire in the white house? A public offender
Why are Catholics so anti-abortion? Because if women stop having kids, who are the priests going to rape?
The Catholic church and sexual abuse... Is a pretty touchy subject if you ask me.
Not everyone may think digging tunnels is exciting Some may even call it boring
How to reclose an opened bottle of champagne? I don't know, ask Falcons fans.
Did you ever notice that No 2 pencils look alike? It's true
Why are there no "B" batteries? You would never be able to ask for them without sounding like you have a stutter. "B-Batteries please"
A man loses his wife to cancer. Frustrated and depressed, he goes to sleep for the night. We wakes up with a massive erection. Guess you could say he had mourning wood.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Where did Sally go after the bombing? Everywhere
The Trump cabinet is truly diverse. I counted at least 3 different shades of white in it.
What's worse than a satellite around Saturn? A probe in Uranus.
My neighbors listen to great music. Whether they like it or not.
If you bring back Australian gold from an alternate universe. You have AU AU Au.
I was walking late at night. And saw three strong men beating an old lady, i got into the fight ... And we almost kill the bitch.
student loans... that's it, that's the joke. It takes like 1000 years to pay off your debt. Longer than it took you to earn your degree.
What was the first thing Adam said to Eve ? "Stand back .... I don't know how big this thing is going to grow!"
Why did everyone pass the final confectioner exam? It was a piece of cake
Friends are like peeing in your pants... Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.
Why are suicidal people so good at doing laundry. Because they're good at hanging things.
What do you call an empty bottle of Cheese Whiz? Cheese Was.
What did the German sausage say to the French bread? Gluten tag!
We all know a Mexican standoff and a Canadian standoff So an American standoff is when two people are flipping each other off but you know nothing's going to happen.
Two men go bear hunting. The first man asks, "Have you ever hunted bear before?" The second man replies, "No, but I've been fishing in shorts."
Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Because he's a fuckin' creep.
A Russian alcoholic loses the key to car... His wife wakes him from his drunken slumber. "Where are the keys to the car!?" she demands. "Vodka? Whiskey?" he replies. (read with Russian accent)
My mom has this really weird fetish. She liked dressing up as herself all the time and then acting like a total fucking bitch
I no longer saw the point in swordfighting.... I no longer saw the point in swordfighting after it blinded both my eyes.
How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck its dick
A priest and a rabbi are at a wedding... the priest sees an altar boy, and says, "man I'd really like to screw him." The rabbi responds by saying, "out of what?"
What city has the most people eating waffles on the beach? San Diego
Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin says to the other "Man, it's hot in here!" The other muffin says "HOLY SHIT, A TALKING MUFFIN?!?!"
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It?s a hardware problem.
Waiting at the bus station ?Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?? ?No, not a soul, actually.? ?Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!?
My teacher told me if I slept with her I'd get an A for the semester. I love being homeschooled
Getting pulled over Police officer to a driver: ?OK, driver?s license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.? Driver: ?Nah, I?ve already got all that. But how much for that funny Captain?s cap??
I used to buy my ex chocolate all the time She was such a bitch, I hoped it would kill her
How do you make a pound of fat look good? Put a nipple on it
The red man lives in the red house, the orange man lives in the orange house, and the yellow man lives in the yellow house. Who lives in the white house? Also the orange man.
Republicans are the true snowflakes... they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry! its a joke folks. just a joke.
2100s kids won't get this Jobs (Robots will take them all)
A blind man walks into a bar... and a table... and a chair.
A Buddhist Monk walks up to a hotdog stand. "make me one with everything"
My ex and I didn't work out because of our birth signs I'm a cancer she was a cunt, her Pisces smelled like a Taurus and she was anything but a Virgo
They say you are what you eat That explains why I'm such a pussy
Android users won't get this. Update.
What is software engineering? It is a bad joke.
What do you call a nurse working on a pirate ship? An Arrrrr - N
What do you call a dog with no legs? I really doesn't matter he's not gonna come.
Windows 10 users won't get this. Privacy.
Did you guys hear about identity theft? Sharon is Karen!
Did you hear about the two tornados in Las Vegas? They decided to elope after a whirlwind romance!
What did mummy tower say to the baby tower Here comes the aeroplane!
Trump did a better job getting people to exercise in 1 month than Michelle Obama did in 8 years Look at all those protesters on the streets!
Why can't French people count to 5? There's a tree in the way.
Why are vegetables so hard to eat sometimes? The wheelchairs
Where did Muhammad go after the bombing? Everywhere
I destroy every string instrument I find... As a part of my vow of non-violins.
Doctor! I think I have a concussion! Doctor: "Dont worry, Its all in your head"
Why doesn't anyone hear psychiatrists in the bathroom? The p is silent.
What did the pistachio say to the peanut? Who wants to eat something that starts with P and ends with NUTs?
Who designed bathtubs? Seriously, I haven't been able to fully sit comfortably submerged in a bath tub since I was 11.
What did the Spanish Optometrist say to his Patient? Si?
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick? The man.
Women keep telling me to "stop itemizing them" Then they go and call me a dickhead
Only 2010's kids will get this... Measles
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him! I'll leave.
What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits? 20 class rings fell out.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog. It scared the shit out of him and now I need some for my carpet :(
"Hey, I heard somebody called you an owl today." Who?
Only vaccinated kids will get this... Autism.
What's the difference between a 2017 Tesla and 50 dead babies? I don't have a 2017 Tesla in my garage.
What's the difference between E.T. and an illegal immigrant? E.T. learned the language, and eventually went home.
I noticed something about the letter "B" Sometimes it makes subtle appearances
What do you call a team-up between a maniac, a random white guy, and the head of the Vatican? Snapped, Cracker and Pope
How does a reptile climb a mountain? It scales it
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only 1, but the lightbulb has to be willing to change
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted
Only gay men from the 1980s will get this... The gradual acceptance into society. What did you think I was going to say, you sick fucks.
A man walks into a bar One man says, "give me some h2o" A second man walks in and says, "give me some h2o too" The second man dies.
Why was the snowman so upset? Because somebody had stolen his nose and the police didn't carrot all!
Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman
What's a caterpillar afraid of? A dogapillar
What do you say to a Mexican guy in a vegetative state? Coma estas?
What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Phil-lip Phil-lop.
What did JayZ call Beyonce before they got married? Feyonce
I was supposed to be filming a porno but I was late to the set. The cameraman phoned me up and said, "Will you be long?" I said, "Yes, around 9 inches."
Why California hates Donald Trump? Because life in California is like GTA (Grand Theft Auto).
The doctor says i have myopic attendance syndrome I can't see myself coming in to work today.
If the Earl of Lemongrab had hair... ...do you think he'd use an acceptable conditioner to keep it soft?
What do you call a rabbit with fleas Bugs bunny
How do you eat your Reese's? Witherspoon
I had to quit my job as a pool cleaner... It was too draining.
The last time I was someone's type, I was donating blood.
I want to be like Leonardo DiCaprio from Inception. He has a dream job.
My friend is blind, you know what that means... he can't see.
My belt was looking a bit worn so I bought a new one.. I hope it holds up.
The Trump administration has chosen the next movie to screen after 'Finding Dory'. True Lies.
Why is a Jewish canoe the safest boat to be in? It never tips! Bonus: How do you pick up a Jewish girl? With a dustpan and a broom.
Only 00's Kids Will Get This Jesus Christ.
Made me laugh more than I should have! What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?! An investigator.
What do you call an Apple update you don't see coming? An iPatch... I'm sorry...
What did the little Ethiopian boy get for his 4th birthday? Flowers.
I followed Dwayne Johnson for an hour and when he wasn't looking I slapped his arse. He turned around and punched me in the face. That's what happens when you hit rock bottom.
Why do divers fall off the boat backwards?? Cuz if they fell forward they wud still be in the boat
What's the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.
A man walks into a bar and takes a seat. He later gets arrested for petty theft.
A German tank commander boasted "One Tiger can take on ten Shermans!" And an American replied "Good thing we have eleven."
There are three men on a boat with a pack of cigarettes and no matches. How did they manage to smoke? They threw a cigarette overboard, and made the boat a cigarette lighter
Trump keeps calling CNN "fake" news because... it's consistent with what Melania keeps telling him are "real" orgasms.
What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle? Optimistic.
What do you call a Japanese man in America with $8932 and 40 cents? A Mill*yen*aire. ...Yeah I know I'm a shitbird.
What do Donald Trump and the iPhone 7 have in common? They both think de-porting is the answer when there?s no more Jobs.
Why do girls like the Falcons? Because they like chokers!
Jobs that dont exist anymore... Steve
Why did the Sultan leave his job at Mattress City? He was already a manager at Ottoman Empire
What's a neologasm? It's a really good neologism.
Ronaldo hits his head and is injured. Manager shouts 'support his head' quick! The fans chant 'Ronaldo's head! Ronaldo's head!' Manager shouts 'Call him an ambulance!' The fans chant 'Ronaldo's an ambulance! Ronaldo's an ambulance!'
I am awesome at Russian Roulette. I've NEVER lost!
What happened to the frog parked in a handicap spot? He go toad.
The first rule of The Liars Club: Tell everybody you're in the Fight Club
How does Harry Potter like to go down hills? Walking j.k. ...rowling
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.
There was a very angry bodybuilder psychologist He had Freud rage
Shorty! Yo' momma is so short, I can see her feet in her driver's license. =?>#=?>#=?>#
I would be a great Politician... I'm really good at pissing everyone off.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What do you call a Panda who eats, shoots, and leaves? A Pandit. (bandit) OC by BatManBenJamIn
Something only 6000bc kids will get THE original OPs mom.
I was startled by a loud fart... I was fartled.
2010s Kids won't get this A good president.
Only Baby Boomers will get this... The Draft.
Y'know what I find odd? Whole numbers that are not divisible by 2.
When Henry VIII has trouble in school, what does he do? He hires a Tudor.
How do you tell the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist? Methodist will say hi in a liquor store.
I wrote on my little sisters cast today "They say the lack of brain in a blonde is accounted for with brawn... Guess not"
What do clams do for their birthday? They shellibrate...
only 30's kids will get this: The holocaust.
Heard about the famous italian chef that died? He pastaway, here today gone tomato,we cannoli do so much. He will be pizza history!
Two soldiers are in a tank Both of them drowned Credit: from a comment by /u/KillarKittens, slightly modified
What do Magic Johnson, Charlie Sheen and roughly 250,000 children in Africa have in common? A continuing chance to create a better tomorrow. You **sick** bastards.
'70s kids won't get this Measles
Only African people will get this Ebola
I like my women like i like my coffee. I fucking hate coffee.
You know you live in a first world country..... When you're not dead
What is the difference between a cucumber and a shark attack? One is a pickle you can make, the other is a pickle you can't escape.
Why are fights between fictional creatures so boring? Because they always drag on.
Just because it's simple, doesn't mean it's easy Unless we're talking about your mom
I just heard there was a cure for dyslexia. That's like music to my arse!
What do you call sodium chloride beating someone up with Bruce Lee's corpse? A salt with a dead Lee weapon
I learned a new way to stop the pot from boiling over Stick your fucking face in it
What do you call some who kidnaps cats? A kittnapper.
What do you call a Chinese guy covered in iron? A Chink in the Armor OC pls no steal
If you're American before you go to the bathroom, and you're American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you are in the bathroom? European!
Only anti-vaxxers will get this... Polio
Deaf people seem to be the best at relationships They always let their hands do the talking
What's the deal with airline food? Oh wait, there is no deal because it's overpriced when available.
The US have been really progressive in the last decade... In 2009 they got their first black president, and this year they got their first orange one!
Only Coal Miners Will Get This Black lung disease.
The School Janitor Janitor: I know im just a school janitor, but my eldest son is in M.I.T., his younger brother in Princeton, and my youngest in Harvard. Student: (amazed) Wow, what are they studying? Janitor: Oh no, they are janitors as well.
My girlfriend is leaving me because of my obsession with pasta I'm feeling cannelloni right now
Linkin Park's web developer spent hours trying to fix a byte ordering bug. He tried so hard and got so far, but in the endian it doesn't even matter.
NSA.. Always listening to our customers.
Only 1700's sailors will get this... Scurvy
Frequent browsers of /r/jokes will not get this. Laid.
Why is improve comedy like a dead language? Because it's Sanscript.
A world without women... ...would be a pain the ass.
Some people are into carbon dating. It's not for me. I dated carbon once, turns out they made everything up.
People want to boycott brands because of political and religious views I just want to be able to afford those brands.
What's the difference between Reddit and Pornhub? On pornhub they down vote trash
I like my soda like I like my women Flat and room temperature.
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because you put on the wrong sock this morning.
Dave drowned So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted. - Gary Delaney, 2010
I just got my first BMW! Which tires are best for splashing puddles at cyclists and pedestrians?
An evil mathematician makes a plan to multiply binomials It was FOILed
if your phone is damaged place it in a bowl of rice this will attract Asians who will fix your phone. if no Asians can be attracted with rice try uranium
Wanna hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.
What's the funniest pepper? A jajajajajalapeÒo.
Dont know how to say the word GIF? Just prounounce the G how its pronounced in gigantic
Welcome to Atlanta where the players play. For two and a half quarters then get blown away.
Life is short, how bout a blowjob? You might not think it's funny, but my wife found it hilarious.
Da Bomb Guy 1: You da bomb Guy 2: No, you da bomb In America: a compliment. In the Middle East: an argument
What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
Ned Stark's death was foretold in his daughter's name Because when he died, she was sans a Stark
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable
What's the difference between Donald Trump and Aaron Burr? Trump *doesn't* want to be in the room where it happens.
My girlfriend is like a diamond. I don't have a diamond.
If flossing is a pain in the ass you are doing it at the wrong end
What was the name of the Greek hero who couldn't stop swaying from side to side? Oscillates I'm not even going to apologise for this one.
Fun fact: Betsy Devos' name contains every letter of the alphabet that she knows of.
Doctor, am I dying? "Doctor, am I dying? I hurt all over, I can't sleep at night, and I have trouble staying conscious" Doctor: Nope, you're just a college student.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the titanic? About halfway.
If two vegans are fighting... ...is it still called a beef?
At a Nazi mine A worker calls out to Hitler: "Sir, we are mining too many useless Ores" [Hitler rubs his chin, contemplating] "So mine less" [Grammar Nazi chimes in, from above] "MINE FEWER" [Hitler looks up] "Yes?"
Recruitment lady on phone - Sir I have two openings for you.. Me - Yes, I know. (Long silence) Her - asshole Me - prefer the other one...
I ordered some flowers for my wife from 1800Flowers... Now what is she going to do with a truckload of roses?
Three nuns were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walks by The first nun, well, she had a stroke. The second nun, why, she also had a stroke. The third nun didn't touch it.
I don't usually brag..... I don't usually brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.
What do you get if you add yeast to soup? A souprise
My ex always used to annoy me by saying I have terrible aim for a hitman. I miss her.
The paranormal community is in an uproar over a recent surge in "black ghost" sightings only near sources of light Despite proof these are shadows, no one knows what (or who) these entities are.
1989 Alaskan Wild life will get this... Oil
Only 50,000 BC kids will get this Ugga: Ung bung uhh mang Bunga tankun ung Bunga: Nanga uhh ung tangung uhh...unganun Ugga: Inga Bunga langa ung ugg Ugga? Bunga: Ung bunga uhh tangung angu OOK OOOOOK
The Mexican word of the day.. The Mexican word of the day is cashew. Like I'll cashew outside, how bout dat?
What do you call a native american who's balding? A patchy.
Can circumsized men ride bikes on the sidewalk? ..or do you have to be a complete dick..
Back in the 70's you could hold out your hand and a car would pick you up and take you where you need.... Today we call that child abduction.
Heard the sperm bank gives $50 for your sperm. I have a sock in my room worth $3000.
My mother-in-law fell in a wishing well. I didn't know they worked.
A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *poof* & he disappeared without a tres!
What's Donald Trump's favorite operating system? Windows.
I went to jail after dropping the soap. I mean gel, learned my lesson the first time.
How tall is Betsy DeVos? We don't know, she can't measure growth.
What does a bee say when it returns to it's hive? Honey, I'm home!
The awards ceremony at the dog show went horribly wrong. The trophy maker had a grudge against the show. To shame them, the 6 foot trophy was of a feline's behind instead of a pedigree dog. Showrunners and dog owners called the event a "Catastrophe."
My girlfriend said she wanted to try and get rid of her "love handles". I told her she would look stupid without any ears.
what is cows favorite video sharing website MOOtube
What's the difference between your friends and an asshole? I don't stab my asshole when it talks shit.
How many Potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish family? Zero.
Why do midgets always laugh when they play soccer? Because the grass tickles their balls.
What do you call the American president when he's taking his prescription hair-loss medication? ...IM-P.O.T.U.S.
According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking. Because if there?s one thing women love, it?s a man who can lie.
My girlfriend said she dosent want to be with me anymore I was very suprised that my right hand can talk
Deaf people seem tough to me Because they always let their fists do the talking
You know your pitbull loves you when... You wake up with all your limbs intact.
Four rappers are asked to think of a word that rhymes with orange Eminem: Door hinge Lil Wayne: nigga Chris brown: orange Lil b: bicycle
My friend started annoying me with fowl bird puns But toucan play at that game
The teacher asks the class to use a sentence with the words defense and defeat. The Mexican rasies his hand and says, "I jumped dee fence with dee feet."
If Vladimir Putin wanted to poison a Mexican political enemy, would he use pollonium... Or would he be too chicken?
Here's an insider tip that will save you thousands on your next vacation. Don't go.
I don't trust anyone with a conspiracy theory, man. I think they are all up to something.
Why did the cow go to the gym? To work on his calves.
Trump is a real asset to the country! Fucking Siri! I said *Ass Hat* not *Asset*!!!
Sometimes when I turn off the lights and masturbate, it feels like Jesus is watching me. Mexican prison is shit.
What does a neckbeard get when he's sick A malady.
I hate housework. You do the dishes and you do the washing. Then six months later you have to start again.
I took my wife out the other day. What a great shot it was.
I built a Rollercoaster park but it's not as good as a lot of others It definitely has its ups and downs thiugh
Why should you never trust harp players? They're always pulling strings
So a conservative and a liberal walk into a bar. The bartender says, "it's malt liquor night, in honor of black history month. Can I get you a 40?" The liberal says "sure that sounds all right." The conservative says "no thanks I'm alt-right."
90s kids won't get this either Jobs
Two fish are in a tank... Suddenly, one turns to the other and says: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
How does one think the unthinkable with an itheberg
whats the saddest story called? my wife.
What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippy? The hockey player showers after three periods.
There is a fine line between numerator and denominator but only a fraction of people will get the joke
Did you hear the joke of the bathroom? I didn't either; the door was closed!
A man walks into an online forum.. A man walks into an online forum and tells a joke that nobody really understands. Get it?
How do you get a fish on the line? You call him.
Where did Timmy go during the explosion? **EVERYWHERE**. He had a newfound respect for life after being spared from such a life-changing event. He went to Arizona, Colorado, New York, England, then settled down in Paris with his now-engaged girlfriend.
My son is nearly 21 years old, but he still gets pampered. He says he's ready for big boy undies, but I'm not sure.
What's the difference between Betsy DeVos and a Grizzly Bear? Betsy DeVos is an actual threat to school children.
I am a serial monogomist I am loyal to my cornflakes.
'90s kids won't get this (cont.) Measles.
Everyone loves to talk about how much they support people with mental illness, but they never follow through when I ask them for help Then they're all like "oh my god" and "calm down" and "sir this is the produce isle please stop crying into the cabbage"
Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentines Day... ...the side chick is you.
I like my coffee black and without crackers.
Donald Trump calls the media 'fake news' even when they're directly quoting something he said/tweeted... ...but since most of the things he says are fake, by transitive property, the news is fake too
The doctor gave me 6 months to live. So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails& and beat my parents to death. My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.
I searched up why incest porn has become so popular this year. Apparently Alabama just recently got internet connection.
Breaking: Betsy DeVos has cancelled.... the subject-verb agreement.
What do traffic lights and liberals have in common? They stop you turning right.. even though it?s safe to do so. *And I?m sure there?s more& please feel free to add !
What do you call the wife of a hippy? Mississippi
Only 1300's kids will get this.. The Black Plague
Subreddits appreciating something usually have one of two titles: Xisbeautiful(r/dataisbeautiful) or Xporn(r/earthporn) Let's just say that r/internetisbeautiful would have a lot more subscribers if they chose the latter
Does your Mum like chicken? No? I bet your Nando's
When God closes a door He opens a window. THAT'S WHY IT'S SO FUCKING COLD IN HERE!
What do you call a food that used to be enjoyed by the poor, but is now eaten by the wealthy elite? Gentrifried rice.
!false It's funny because it's true.
This morning I woke up to a blow job. Oh wait, my job blows every morning.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus They say its bark is worse than its bite.
What did one drunk muslim say to another? I'm drunk Ash-faq
When you disagree with someone, it is always better to walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile away from them. And you'll have their shoes.
Was hit by a rental car earlier today... It still Hertz.
What the best way to get anybody's pussy wet? Drop their cat in a pool
What did the grape say when it got squashed? Nothing; it just let out a little wine.
What type of weather is the most offensive? Darude - Sandstorm
That awkward moment when you realise your new 'promotion' involves less power, less money, and less influence.# -DJT
What's the difference between a Ferrari and 3 dead babies... I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
Got sacked from my drug counselling job just because they didn't like my motto. 'It's my way or the highway'.
What is a wolfs favorite puzzle? AWOOObix cube!
What do you call an illegal immigrant fighting a child rapist? Alien vs Predator
Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling. Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling. Shit. I guess I do have an obsession with Britney's peers.
Trump is the type of guy who will look you square in the eye and shake your hand like a man. While taking a piss on your boots.
A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods The bear turned around and asked the rabbit, "do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" "No" the rabbit replied. So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
What did one ¿ rad say to the other ¿ rad? "arrrr matey!"
A man describes his dreams to the psychiatrist. Man - "Last night I dreamed that I was a teepee. The night before I dreamed that I was a yurt. What does it mean?" Psychiatrist - "You're two tents."
Two cows are standing in a field. *The first cow says*: did you hear about that "mad cow disease" that's going around? That sounds pretty terrible. *The second cow says*: yeah, it does. Good thing us chickens don't have to worry about that!
Martelleus Bennett is refusing to meat with Donald Trump. Yeah, he's a real Patriot.
GoT joke: What do you call a Dothraki who does jumping jacks every morning? Khal Isthenics.
The restaurant Hooters is known for two things... ...boobs.
How does a mathematician solve their constipation? They work it out with a pencil
Why is the music award show in Canada called the Junos? Because everytime someone wins, everyone goes "Juno who that is?"
I used to have diarrhea ...but then I got my shit together.
Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Yes February 14th.
Why did gravity and magnetism hook up? We don't fully know, but there were definitely forces of attraction at work.
"....so then my wife told me to run out and get her some Head & Shoulders" "......nevertheless, this court still finds you guilty Mr. Dahmer"
Why do hummingbirds hum? They forgot the lyrics
Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now? Andy has diabetes
Why did a scientist install a door knocker? coz he wanted to win a no-bell prize!!!!!!!!
How do you teach someone to make an omelette? Show them an eggsample
I've never understood giving flowers to someone on Valentine's Day. "Here's a dying plant... because i love you?"
I would call Donald Trump a cunt but he lacks both depth and warmth.
So I Heard Facebook has got a new fake news filter. All I wanna know is when they're gonna get the real one.
What do Betsy Devos and Jared from Subway have in common? Both of their main goal is to fuck children.
Did you hear the one about all the missing women in the area? No? Thats good then...
Two employees are standing next to a water cooler talking... One says to the other "Yaknow, our boss says we should be extraordinary but he's average in more ways than one" "Yeah," says the other "you could say he's a double standard!"
Sex with no strings attached? Don't shag a puppet.
The best thing about Betsy DeVos being nominated as the head of department of education ... is the fact they are abolishing it completely.
I think my cellmate was gay last time I went to jail His dick tasted like shit
What piece of sporting equipment is best for provoking a debate? Discus.
Some people just have a way with words and other people & oh & not have way
Stranger: "I've got no friends." Me: "You're not alone."
Prison sex... It's con-sensual.
What do cows produce during an earthquake? MILKSHAKE!!!!
Two whales walk into a bar.... The first one says: "AOOOOOUUUUUOOOUUUUGGGAAAAUUUOOOOOOOOOOAAAAGOOOOGGGGUUUUUAAAAAAAAA" The second one says: " Go home steve, your drunk
August 6, 1945 Hiroshima The day Rice Krispies were invented.
What was U2's lawyer's hourly rate? Nothing, he was pro-Bono
I was reading a book about paint today and I just burst into tears I was overcome by emulsion
What did O say to Q? Put that thing away, there are kids here.
Betsy DeVos's school funding plan... You start with $0. But if you sign up 5 kids for school, and those kids sign up 5 more kids, and THOSE kids sign up 5 more kids...
Two balloons were flying in the desert... ... and one of them said: "Be careful, there's a cactusssssssssssssssssssssssss".
What do you call a super model with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese
Never date a tennis player Love means nothing to them - Matt Winning, 2015
I love hyperbole It is literally the best thing ever!
My wife is like the square root of -100... A perfect 10, but completely imaginary
"Which hand do you use to stir your coffee?" "My right?" "How original, I use a spoon"
How do you stop a mole from digging? Take his shovel away
What's Donald Trump's spirit animal? The wall-rus. Yes, I do hate myself.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Never mind, it's an obscure number you probably haven't even heard of before.
My American Car... was Made in Mexico. My Japanese car was Made in America.
I can only mourn something viewed with my own two eyes... As they say, seeing is bereaving.
People think I'm a pervert... People think I'm a pervert because I sleep with a 9 year old. But you have to remember, dog years are 7 times longer than ours.
So my wife walked into the room while I was having sex with my daughter...... I wasn't sure what she was more freaked out by, the fact that I was fucking our daughter, or that the abortion clinic gave me the fetus.
Why couldn't the ginger bread man walk? Because he had crummy legs.
Trumps favourite joke. What do sharks and people have in common? The only great ones are white.
Two teenagers snuck into a crypt at night. One tripped over a small bone and the other unashamedly laughed. Can't blame him though, it was a little humerus.
Frank the Human Cannonball retired yesterday and has yet to be replaced... The circus owner said, "It's hard to find another man of that caliber."
Nintendo, don't be a Valve Make Luigi's Mansion 3!
I get paranoid when I smoke Sometimes I get paranoid when I smoke, like last time I got so high I convinced myself my girlfriend was sleeping with my bestfriend. Luckily for me though it was only my second best friend.
I lead a pretty rock n roll lifestyle I wake up stoned and roll out of bed
There?s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell. Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?
Pakistani breakup line Boy to Girl: It's not you, it's my goat !
RenÈ Descartes walks into a bar.... The bartender asks if he'd like a beer. "I think not." and he promptly vanished from existence.
When life hands you lemons.....Make lemonade Then, find someone for whom life has handed them Vodka....
The Sanders/Cruz debate was really weird It was like peeking into an alternate dimension where both parties had hindsight
Why was the mathematician overweight? Because he ate three squared meals a day
What's the tallest building in the world? A library, cause it has so many stories
Why do Phish concerts have the best drugs? Because if you're not tripping ballsack you'll realize you paid 45 bucks to listen to cheese eating Vermontians tune their instruments for 6 fucking hours.
If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests? STUPID.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
What did Robocop say to the criminal he's fucking to death? "Dead or alive, you're coming with me."
What's the hardest part when telling a gay joke? Keeping a straight face.
I saw my first coloured movie today One guy was half black and half white and another guy was half white and half black
Why are Marxists good at hiding? Commieflage.
Crazy times. Republicans silenced Elizabeth Warren. Do you know what kind of power that takes? To silence the world's loudest woman?
The dentist told me I need a crown. I'm like, "I know, right?!"
A prominent art collector quits the Cabinet immediately after his confirmation He had stumbled into the wrong auction
I screamed my crushes name while having sex with my girlfriend But she didn't care 'cause Mercy isn't our safeword.
What do you get when you cross a Hells Angel with a Jehovah's witness? They come to your door and tell you to fuck off
What's the difference between Japanese sake bars and doctors in Oregon? One of them serves adults in Asia...
When do people have unhappy bowel movements? On sad-turd-days.
How does a quarterback discipline his kids? Intentional Grounding
Why don't squirrels mate in the summer? Because they're storing their nuts for the winter.
Bin Laden said it was ok to masterbate.... I guess they should have called themselves the Tali-whackers.
Chlorine texts potassium, asking to borrow an electron. Potassium replies, "K"
It's 2018. A student insults his teacher, "without us, you wouldn't have a job!" The teacher looks him in the eye, and says "without your parents' money, you wouldn't have a teacher"
'90s kids won't get this Social security
On a scale of Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky How much do you love your kids?
What's the difference between a Republican senator and a prostitute? A prostitute takes your money to fuck you. A Republican senator collects money from someone else and then fucks your children.
I posted "In the end, I hope Trump is just a bump in the road and we go on about our business" Was answered "yeah, in that case, the line of cars waiting their turn will stretch to the horizon"
Why is there no such thing as a drug sniffing dog ? Because the dog will high at training
What did the Bunny say to the Carrot? I'm going to eat you!
Dear Justin Bieber haters, please respect him I owe him my life. Last year August, i had been in a coma for 6 months. Then one day my nurse turned on the radio to his songs. So i woke up and turned it off..
Why don't women fart? They can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up any pressure.
Why do guys snore when they sleep on their back Their balls fall over their asshole and the air has nowhere else to go
My husband almost gave me a heart attack when he said "I like my men like I like my coffee...." "and I fucking hate coffee."
The rancher had 196 cows But when he rounded them up he had 200
I can't believe they are still together after all those years of shit Who? My butt cheeks
Does anybody know how to get rid of smelly feet? Asking for a foot
My neighbors caught me watching them have sex through their bedroom window and told my parents. My dad made me apologize and told the couple I was normally above that type of behavior. I took the advice and started watching through the skylight.
Just found a hat with a hundred pound in it!!! The guy playing the guitar was well jealous that he never noticed it first! Chased me all the way down the street.
TIL Abraham Lincoln is the only president that cannot be convicted of a crime Because he's innocent.
What do you do if you miss your mother-in-law? Reload. (Thanks Bob Dylan via Theme Time Radio Hour)
My friend asked me what my sex life has been like in the past..... I said it was like the Bowling Green Massacre :(
What's the difference between a frog and a horny toad? Frog said ribbit ribbit. The horny toad said rubbit rubbit
What do Spanish people call their young Jewish friends? Amigos Menorahs.
What do Princess Kate and Osama bin Laden have in common? They both had their back doors blown out by a guy in the navy.
What do you call a dog kennel in San Francisco? Luxury apartments
"No" means "NO"!..... Unless she's dyslexic, then **it's ON!**
A man approached Captain Von Trap and said, "No offense, but is that short haired blonde single?" "Nun taken."
A cop goes up to the window of a car he's just pulled over Cop: "Any drugs or alcohol today?" Man: "No but I vape" Cop: "Look pal, I don't give a shit if you're gay, just answer the question."
I tried to start an online bakery. But I accidentally deleted all my cookies.
I just spawned in and instantly died... But isn't that how abortion works?
What comes after 69? Listerine.
What do you get if you cross a Rottweiler and a Labrador? A dog that scares the shit out of you then runs away with the toilet roll.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram
Wanna get a pizza and fuck? Guy: Hey, wanna get a pizza and fuck? Girl: No. Guy: What? You don't like pizza.
Make your Betsy DeVos jokes soon.. While people can still read
My buddy and I both have the flu. I invited him over for Netflix & chills.
Why should women stop having children after 35? Because 36 is too many
How is driving a Ford truck similar to visiting Thailand? Either way, you're likely to blow a tranny
If you cited something from Reddit... I guess you could call it Creddit
The trampoline used to be called a jumpoline. They changed the name to Tramponline when my Mother in law got one.
Two cows are eating grass in a field The first turns to the second and says "Moooooo" The second turns to the first and says "I was just about to say that"
A feminist got mad because I said boys and girls instead of girls and boys I asked what's it matter, I always cum first
"You snooze, you lose." -Competitive insomniacs
What's the difference between meeting me in a bar and meeting Bill Cosby in a bar? You'll remember meeting me
What do Lebron and a gigolo have in common? They've both got a rim-job to do.
Tobacco companies kill their best customers And condom companies kill their future customers
Many people are asking me who I think will win the boxing match between Chris Brown and Soulja Boy, but Chris is the obvious choice as far as I'm concerned. After all I've seen his handiwork years ago and it's not too shabby.
My friend asked me to stop singing Wonderwall I said maybe
I found the simplest, best way to shave You have to use Occam's Razor
I told the Subway sandwich lady not to forget my pickle. It was a big dill
Why was tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh.
They say that cows kill more people than airplane crashes... It's true, my ex once chased me with a knife.
Fight Club is the best bromance movie that never happened!
Mr. Trump, did you know Beethoven was deaf? Trump: And how was he able to make all those movies?
What do you call a magical dog? Labracadabrador
9/11 wasn't an inside job because all the employees jumped outside.
Why was the vulture kicked off of the airplane? Because he ate a passenger's carrion!
I totally blew it with my new girlfriend That's how it goes with inflatable partners.
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a badly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.
What do penguins do in a race? They peng-win
What do Betsy Devos and the Catholic Church have in common? They may help some, but it's mostly just a bunch of kids getting fucked.
I was suffering from short term memory loss But then I found my ram.
What do you call a cannon that can't fire properly? Projectile Dysfunction. I'll see myself out.
My math teacher called me average... How mean
What does the dyslexic cow say? oom
What's the difference between an encyclopedia and a Republican senator? The encyclopedia has a spine. (Apologies to Senators Collins and Murkowski)
What did the Muslim say to Castro's gay lover? "Stop, you are Infidel!"
What do you and the universe have in common? You both started with a Big Bang. (I've known this joke for a longtime and I don't remember if I made it)
What do you call interracial Game of Thrones porn? Taking the black
A man walks up to the pearly gates Saint Peter asks, "How did you get here?" The mans answers, "Flu."
Teacher asks class: "use the word Dandelion in a sentence" Teacher asks class: "use the word Dandelion in a sentence" Jamaican student: "the cheetah is faster dandelion" *Everyone dies*
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Bin Laden
What type of berry can you drink out of? A strawberry.
What do you call a heavy trash can that tips things over? A bin Laden.
What do you call a group of ducks quacking at once in a disorderly fashion? Quack-aphony
Why did Donald Trump blush? He saw the climate changing.
My dad told me to wipe my computer before I sell it. I said, "Why?" He said, "Because there's cum all over it."
I wanted to take a Chinese cooking class. But looking into it, it seemed like too much wok.
A guy walks into a brothel... A guy walks into a brothel and says to the madam, "I want the worst sex in the place. If she's miserable, I want her". The madam asks, "Are you crazy sir"? "No" replies the guy "Just homesick".
Toilet bowls .... should be higher
Apparently I'm allergic to Burt's Bees body wash Broke out in hives
This year I got my Valentines Day cards mixed up. My girlfriend thinks I love her and my wife thinks I want to fuck her.
How many citrus fruits does it take to kill a pirate? None.
What do you call a large body of water that's salty and filled with promiscuous women? The Hoecean.
Why did the dentist's accountant get arrested? Incisor's trading.
Falcons Fans (a bit late but...) Falcons fans be like #Notmysuperbowl
How many republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Ah, I'll have get back to you on that one...
Why did the fighter jet go to the doctors office? Because it had ejectile dysfunction.
They're finally cracking down on Instagram pages that promote white-supremacy... or as I like to call them: gram-crackers.
My wife said, "When I die, I want everyone at my funeral to be happy, not sad and depressed." I said, "Don't worry. They will be."
My girlfriend asked me if I'd ever been in a fight and I told her that I hadn't. "You're a pussy," she said. "I once sent a guy to hospital." I said, "We're talking about fighting, not cooking."
Trump is doing something that no one, in the history of democracy, is known to have done before: He's demanding a recount after he *won* the election.
Guys, the book of Revelation is finally coming true, if you don't belive me, look it up... We've heard the final Trump-Pence.
I told my friend I watched The Two Towers and it was fun I've never seen him get so angry over a Lord Of The Rings film.
My neighbours love my taste in music. They even call the police to listen it.
Why don't Falcons eat cereal? They lost the bowl
Who's jesus favourite singer Michael bible
I just divorced my wife of six years. It was very amicable. She was the first one to "like" my Facebook status when I indicated I was single again.
A midget psychic just escaped from prison... She's a small medium at large.
Well to be Frank... I would have to change my name.
The sign said, "Pay with your phone." Sorry Wendy's, but I think my iPhone7 is worth a little more than your triple baconator.
My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like she was special... ...so I got her a helmet and a box of crayons!
What did they call Mozart after he died? A decomposer Baddoom-tish
Optimist vs Pessimist Optimist?the glass is half full Pessimist?the glass is half empty Feminist?the glass is being raped
Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?" Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me."
Around 26 out of 100 people fail at probability theory that's over 60%
I went to Jared But then I saw the prices and decided to buy a ring on amazon.
What do you call a letter from a feminist? Hate male.
I don't know why the Samoa Girl Scout cookies are racially insensitive... because I'm white and I have no problem with crackers.
On my flight to Australia I was asked if I had any criminal records I was confused, because I didn't know it was still a requirement
The price of balloons have been plummeting... Specialists say it's due to inflation.
What do you get when you drop a piano on a minor? A flat minor
What do you call an official weapon that shoots pieces of music? A canon canon cannon
Education nominee Betsy DeVos wins Senate confirmation vote I kept seeing this in r/news, but I was sure it belonged here......
Seven eight nine. Cinco seis, "Siete! Que haces?!"
A man walking home at night comes across a drunk fumbling around under a street light. Man: What's going on? Drunk: I'm looking for my keys. Man: Did they fall out of your pocket? Drunk: I don't know but this is where the light is.
The difference between men and women... ...is that after being in a relationship for six months a woman wonders if it's time to say 'I love you' and a man wonders if it time to fart in bed.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool
I was exposed to a dangerous amount of gamma radiation. It still hertz.
You know the german translation for irony? JewWorkingForGasCompany
The day I can?t do my job drunk is the day I hand over my keys today was my last day as a school bus driver
What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
I recently got hit by a car in a funeral procession... It still hearse!
What is a far right-wing conservatives favorite candy? Preppermints.
Bill Clinton has a smart and beautiful wife Let's just hope she never meets Hillary
You know, I don't find the recent super bowl win all that historic... After all, this isn't the first time Atlanta was burned by the north.
i asked a dyslexic kid if he was Team Santa or Team Satan... (NSFW) he told me to go fuck his mother.
What is the bestselling bodycare product amongst terrorists? Lip bomb
An interviewer asked me what my biggest weakness was So I replied "Well I'd say my best strength is my listening skills"
In how many parts does the skull divide? It depends on the strength you use to hit it.
Caught two friends talking shit about me... Oh,did i say talking?I wanted to say taking and on me while i was sleeping
Did your son like his birthday gifts? -Did your son like his birthday presents? -Oh, he broke every single one of them - the phone, gaming console and even notebook.. -My god! Did he break my gift too?! -Nope, your fucking hammer is fine.
I asked my wife if she wanted to try a new sex position called the 68. I asked if she wanted to try the 68. Wife: What's a 68? Well it's when you go down on me, and I'll owe you one.
Whats the difference between Kleenex and the starship Enterprise? They both circle Uranus searching for Clingons
How many of Donald Trump's Cabinet does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Apparently, they prefer holding meetings in the dark.
The Chinese food was good But I miss my dog
My friend asked what to do when the variable and number are next to each other in algebra. I responded "They multiply"
$1 MILLION IN HEAVEN Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in heaven?" God replied, "$1 million." Joe asked, "How long is a minute in heaven?" God said, "One million years." Joe asked for a penny. God said, "Sure, in a minute."
What's the difference between your mom and my penis? I don't get turned on when I slam my penis head in a door.
What's the laziest food? Bread. It likes to "loaf" around.
A man works for a company for nearly a decade without getting promoted He decides that he can either start kissing ass and climb the corporate ladder or he can kill himself. He chose the latter
What's the worst thing to happen to a banana gun? It gets Jammed
Dorblu A man at a store: "Do you have Dorblu cheese" "What is it Dorblu?" "Oh, it's a kind of cheese with mold" "Sorry, we haven't. But we have Dorblu bread and Dorblu sausage"
Trump's Plan... Maybe Trump's real plan is to make Americans so intolerable that the rest of the world doesn't want to cross America's borders.
What do Michael Jackson and Kmart have in common? They both have boys pants 1/2 off.
Me and the wife were talking about sexy role playing when she asked what I'd like to do. I said "Well, we go to a bar separately and pretend we've never met" "Ooh, then what?" she answered I said "Nothing, that's it".
What does the travel ban look like at Wal-mart? Well, it's just a small version of regular sized Ban, both the roll-on and invisible solid.
What do you call a russian mall cop? Cyka Blart
How did the Scandinavian countries communicate during WW2? Norse code
I think it's about time we start voting for more politicians with breasts I don't see why not, considering how long we've been voting for complete boobs in the first place.
I've never gone sailing before, but I want to sail around the world one day... I have a yacht to learn before my trip.
I didn't trip I was testing the floors reflexes!
I heard the Obama's just got a cleaning bill from the White House... Apparently they left a huge pile of shit in the oval office.
"What's the difference between an Al-Qaeda base and a Pakistani school?" "I don't know man, I just fly the drone."
Is this subreddit a vaccum? because all the jokes suck.
Rest In Peace, American Education Coming to an end in DeVos't way imaginable.
I've been seeing this girl for a while, but I had to drop her Someone stole my pair of binoculars
How many athiests do you need to change a lughtbulb? None. It will be changed by itself.
A guy walks into a bar He says ouch
My girlfriend thinks I'm incapable of being faithful My wife on the other hand... has a pretty hot sister
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller
What do you do with a dead chemist? Ba. For those of you that are having a hard time, Ba is the atomic symbol for Barium.
What is 10 blocks long and never had sex? The line for the Nintendo Switch
Trump being elected is proof that we never developed time travel. Today I know why we never developed time travel.
My wife left me because I made too many linkin park references oh well, I guess in the end it doesn't even matter.
Know what's weird about Obama kitesurfing? It means there's finally something he has in common with Trump: watersports.
What does a good bar and a woman have in common? Liquor in the front and poker in the back
I used to work as a corset make for about twenty years But I had to give it up, the work was too constraining.
Winter in Poland is like my ex... ...it doesn't know whether to be cold or hot
I'm sick and tired of hearing the US doesn't have Checks and Balances! What do you think the Koch brother's accountants do?
Home is where your friends are So I'm homeless
A man asks the doctor "Can I take a bath with diarrhea?" Doctor:"If you could fill the bathtub with it, why not?"
Why can't you starve in a desert? Because of all the sand which is there.
Why is the workplace of a penis dangerous ? Has to work in dark, wet caves, while standing all the time
What is Harambe's favorite spice? CAGE-en spice!
What do you get when you mix a bird, a van, and a dog? A flying carpet
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba Dum Tshhhh
I can't stand those stupid people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn". Stupid firemen.
Why was Jesus ripped at his crucifixion? Because he was cross-fit!
I ordered a dildo online last week Today it finally came.
When it comes to making a simple, quick dinner, YOU CAN'T BEATRICE! Sorry, you can't beat rice. (by British Comedian Milton Jones)
Girls used to call me ugly until they saw my wallet. Now they call me ugly and poor.
There are 10 types of programmers: Those who understand binary and those who don't
They just got rid of the head of the funfair. That's unfair.
Whom did the Boston Strangler choke last? The Atlanta Falcons.
I'm glad that DeVos was confirmed as education secretary. Now I don't have to worry about my grandkids being able to read some of my dumbest Facebook posts... or anything else, for that matter.
Original Content I wish I could post this on another sub
Did you hear about the turtle that became a chef and opened his own restaurant? His specialty is slow cooked meals.
How many suh-dudes does it take to change a lightbulb? None, it's already lit fam!
What's the most confusing holiday for black people? Father's Day!
Why did the Jazz performer wear one shoe? It gave him sole.
My girlfriend is breaking up with me because of my vegan diet... By the way, have I mentioned I'm a vegan?
I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday... But all the little shit did was sit in his wheelchair and cry. PS:Not sure if this one has been on here before or not, a friend told it to me and I thought it should go here.
Why did the deplorable shoot with his left hand To try and get IN the basket
My apartment has more than nine ants, but my landlord refuses to get rid of them. He claims they have **ten ants' rights**.
I don't see why Obama gave all his speeches behind bulletproof glass.. I know he's black and all but I doubt he'd actually shoot anyone.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe dammit, BREATHE!
What do you call a blind dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesaurus
The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
As an American, you know what really grinds my gears? Not having German Engineering
I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!" but it didnt fly. Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings
Where do Palestinians go to have fun at night? The Gaza Strip club.
A Cop is searching for a criminal babysitter. He says, "I am going to search every little crook and nanny."
These Bowling Green Massacre jokes are too soon Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place.
ISIS is winning the war By denying US troops visas into territory surrounding the caliphate
I would only play one handed in the music assessment But then I'd be in treble
I was waiting in line at this restaurant to order some fruit punch. That's it. That was the punch-line.
Trump's presidency is historic... He's the first president to ever be more concerned about personal insecurity than he is about national security.
What do muslims color with? Qurayons
I was in an airport in South Korea recently, and while shopping, asked the cashier which currency he preferred. A bit agitated, he replied... "The Korean Won!"
A, C, and E walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve minors."
You guys hear about the fire at the circus? It was InTENTSe.
A photon walks into a hotel with his luggage... The bellhop asks, "sir, do you need help with your bags?" The photon responds, "that's alright, I'm traveling light!"
What do you call a Communist sniper? A Marxman
How many millennials does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Shit's already mad lit, fam.
What's a refugee's favourite song? Welcome to the Jungle
They're going to start letting animals participate in the X Games... They will all have to go through extreme vetting before entering
I went to the sewer the other day... It was a load of crap.
We didn't elect Harambe for president But we still got a gorilla in office
People claim that in the English language, y can be a vowel but I think that's just a myth
What is the difference between Hyaenidae and a butt on weed? The first are hyenas The second is a high-anus.
Went to the gym today and cheered everyone on for an hour. On the way out the trainer stopped me... Confused he asked me what I was doing at the gym. So I told him exactly what I was doing: "Lifting Spirits"
Why didn't the Soviet Union join WW2 until 1941? They were using Stalin-tactics
Reddit is like cancer Once you've noticed it it really grows on you.
What's the funniest software? Lotus Notes
Don't. Never laugh at your wife?s choices& you?re one of them &
What does the car-loving cowboy say when he meets people? H' Audi
A horse walks into the bar... It neigh's, shits on the floor and walks out, leaving the bar patron's bewildered
Ubisoft Servers. Thats it.
[Request] Tell me your best bird puns! Giving someone a bird themed gift, what are some puns I can use for the card? (It's not for a birthday, so "happy bird-day" won't work).
New England Patriots are the Super Bowl World Champions I loved the way they destroyed Germany in semi-finals, and embarrassed Rwanda in the final.
Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve noble gases here." Argon doesn't react.
Where do the light end up? In prism. xD
I recently saw a video of a girl sitting on various fruit To me, that's fucking bananas
How did Jesus feel after the Romans killed him? How did Jesus feel after the Romans killed him? He felt pretty cross.
It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones. Well, they?re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.
Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? A: "You may have graduated but I've got so many degrees"
Verbal skills study "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien
My dick is like Stan Lee I know he'll appear, but i don't know when and when I notice it's already too late.
Give a man a jacket... And he'll be able to leave the house. Teach a man to jacket, and he'll never leave the house.
Gave my friend in a wheelchair 3 hits of molly last night He's still rollin' this morning
My family and friends always told me I was an 'artistic person'. Finally got a hearing aid and... well... let's just say that was *not* what they were trying to tell me.
My wife made coffee this morning and I ended up with a piece of coffee bean in my teeth at the weekly department meeting. My lawyer has informed me this qualifies as grounds for divorce.
My brother told me to stop acting like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Why did the chicken walk into the light? To get to the other side.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
I was very naive sexually My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months - Hayley Ellis, 2012
What's a revolutionist's favourite pastry? Coup d'Ètart