corrade-lsl-templates – Blame information for rev 5
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4 | office | 1 | Today is the last day of your life so far. |
2 | I would love to, but I have to study for a blood test. |
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3 | If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? |
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4 | If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? |
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5 | I want to die like my grandfather in his sleep, not like his screaming passengers. |
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6 | Good friends are like bottles of Sweet Wine. That's why I keep mine locked in the cellar. |
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7 | If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed. |
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8 | When in doubt, ignore it. |
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9 | A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose. |
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10 | Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. |
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11 | I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. |
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12 | A hangover is the wrath of grapes. |
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13 | I would love to, but I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. |
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14 | A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. |
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15 | Banning the bra was a big flop. |
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16 | A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore". |
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17 | How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there? |
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18 | I would love to, but I'm trying to cut down. |
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19 | If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? |
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20 | A closed mouth gathers no feet. |
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21 | Computer programmers know how to use their hardware. |
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22 | He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. |
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23 | On the other hand, you have different fingers. |
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24 | Q: Why did the runner quit the race against Bigfoot? A: He couldn't face de-feet!! |
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25 | God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th. |
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26 | Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. |
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27 | The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. |
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28 | Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the- fridge-is" group. |
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29 | I would love to, but I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator." |
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30 | I would love to, but my favorite commercial is on TV. |
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31 | Two cannibals are eating dinner. One says to the other, "Gosh, Bill, your wife makes a great meal." |
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32 | What is a country song played backwards? Your wife gets back with you, your dog comes back to life, your car starts, you get your job back and life is great. |
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33 | It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. |
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34 | I'm thinking of becoming a hitman... Yeah, I heard they make a killing. |
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35 | Q: How do crazy people get through the forest? A: They take the psycho path. |
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36 | When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? |
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37 | Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. |
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38 | Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. |
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39 | She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower. |
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40 | I think the Japanese flag is really a pie chart of how afraid they are of Godzilla. |
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41 | Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends. |
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42 | I would love to, but I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar. |
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43 | If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. |
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44 | Old math teachers never die, they just reduce to lowest term. |
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45 | I would love to, but I feel a song coming on. |
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46 | Q: What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? A: Mice cubes! |
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47 | Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass? |
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48 | Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? |
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49 | If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? |
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50 | Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? |
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51 | Titanic is just one example of the ice bucket challenge going wrong... |
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52 | It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. |
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53 | Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'. |
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54 | I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals. |
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55 | Q: How does the brain communicate with the nerves? A: With a Cell phone! |
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56 | If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? (what if FedEx, UPS and Emery Worldwide merged = Fed Up Worldwide)? |
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57 | Q: What did the sardine call the submarine? A: A can of people! |
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58 | A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...? |
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59 | A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. |
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60 | Q: What kind of music do Mummies listen to? A: Wrap. |
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61 | Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind? |
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62 | Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. |
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63 | Don't blame the holidays, you were fat in August. |
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64 | I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always!' |
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65 | Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. |
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66 | I would love to, but I have to stay home and see if I snore. |
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67 | The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they'll erase what they did during the week. |
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68 | Practice safe eating: always use condiments. |
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69 | I would love to, but I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I'm stuck on it. |
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70 | If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose? |
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71 | Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else. |
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72 | Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. |
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73 | Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Because their horns don't work! |
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74 | If you are coasting, you're going downhill. |
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75 | I would love to, but I'm up to my eardrums in waxy buildup. |
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76 | You must've sat in a pile of sugar because you've got a sweet ass! |
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77 | A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work. |
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78 | Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. |
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79 | Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?? |
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80 | Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. |
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81 | Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? |
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82 | Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. |
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83 | Dijon vu: the same mustard as before. |
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84 | It was all so different before everything changed. |
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85 | I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. |
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86 | Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. |
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87 | As you read the scroll, it vanishes... |
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88 | I would love to, but my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. |
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89 | Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. |
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90 | I would love to, but I have to jog my memory. |
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91 | If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. |
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92 | How come abbreviated is such a long word? |
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93 | Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome. |
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94 | Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. |
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95 | Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone. |
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96 | He who hesitates is boss. |
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97 | Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up. |
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98 | History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other. |
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99 | I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge. |
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100 | A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun. |
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101 | Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? |
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102 | A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. |
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103 | I would love to, but I have to sit up with a sick ant. |
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104 | Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. |
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105 | Q: Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? A: Women can see right through them. |
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106 | I would love to, but I have to rotate my crops. |
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107 | Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. |
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108 | Familiarity breeds children. |
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109 | Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it. |
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110 | MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team. |
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111 | Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. |
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112 | OK, so what's the speed of dark? |
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113 | CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover. |
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114 | Ain't it funny how the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car. |
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115 | I would love to, but I have to go to court for kitty littering. |
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116 | Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. |
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117 | I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. |
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118 | Computer modelers simulate it first. |
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119 | Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research. |
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120 | Computer hackers do it all night long. |
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121 | Never miss a good chance to shut up. |
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122 | 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence? |
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123 | Entropy isn't what it used to be. |
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124 | After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F. |
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125 | If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! |
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126 | What happens if you get scared half to death twice? |
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127 | I would love to, but I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. |
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128 | What do you call a male ladybug? |
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129 | Saying you are dumped but we can still be friends is like saying the dog died but let's take it for a walk anyway. |
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130 | Drive defensively -- buy a tank. |
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131 | BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd. |
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132 | Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? |
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133 | Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. |
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134 | Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... |
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135 | If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? |
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136 | Without geometry, life is pointless. |
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137 | GAY ABANDON - Homosexual repellent perfume. |
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138 | I would love to, but I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer. |
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139 | Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding. |
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140 | A bird in the hand is dead. |
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141 | If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? |
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142 | I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. |
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143 | Q: Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder? A: He got a little behind in his work. |
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144 | The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. |
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145 | It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. Albert Einstein |
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146 | Is there another word for synonym? |
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147 | Two women walked into a building. You'd think at least one of them would have seen it. |
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148 | Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom! |
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149 | Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? |
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150 | I would love to, but I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner. |
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151 | Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. |
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152 | If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem! |
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153 | Always remember you are unique - just like everyone else. |
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154 | Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before. |
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155 | Don't squat with your spurs on. |
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156 | Don't force it, get a larger hammer. |
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157 | When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. |
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158 | No one is listening until you fart. |
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159 | Q: Why are gold fish orange? A: The water makes them rusty! |
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160 | Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. |
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161 | For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. |
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162 | If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? |
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163 | Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it. |
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164 | Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? |
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165 | The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. |
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166 | I would love to, but I'm touring China with a wok band. I'm trying desperately to be less popular. |
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167 | If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. |
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168 | "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." |
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169 | Mediocrity thrives on standardization. |
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170 | Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? |
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171 | Q: What do you call a guy turned on by a witch? A: Scared stiff. |
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172 | I think the condoms need to be located in the baby aisle next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans. |
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173 | Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee. |
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174 | A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. |
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175 | I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. |
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176 | Reality's the only obstacle to happiness. |
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177 | With great power comes a great electricity bill. |
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178 | If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. |
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179 | Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. |
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180 | I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. |
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181 | I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. |
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182 | This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land. |
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183 | It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. |
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184 | I would love to, but I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. |
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185 | Q: Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank? A: He was caught drinking on the job. |
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186 | I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. |
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187 | Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? |
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188 | A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. |
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189 | What the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, while I give these two a lift. |
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190 | When all else fails, read the instructions. |
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191 | I would love to, but my yucca plant is feeling yucky. |
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192 | If you can't read this, you're illiterate. |
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193 | I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time." |
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194 | Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer. |
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195 | A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. |
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196 | Some grow with responsibility, others just swell. |
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197 | Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. |
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198 | Why do midgets laugh when they run? Coz the grass tickles their balls! |
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199 | Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. |
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200 | Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? |
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201 | I would love to, but I've been traded to Cincinnati. |
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202 | I would love to, but I'm too young for that stuff. |
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203 | Q: What travels all around the world while staying in one place? A: A postage stamp. |
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204 | QUASIMOTO - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France. |
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205 | An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance. |
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206 | The interest in ironing is decreasing. |
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207 | One day YouTube, Twitter and Facebook will merge and be known as YouTwitFace. |
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208 | As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never! |
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209 | I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. |
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210 | If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. |
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211 | Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. |
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212 | If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. |
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213 | Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. |
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214 | Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose. |
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215 | I would love to, but I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me. |
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216 | If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? |
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217 | What if there were no hypothetical questions? |
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218 | Q: What is the best thing about schizophrenia? A: You're never alone! |
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219 | I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." |
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220 | Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached. |
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221 | Why don't they just make mouse-flavoured cat food? |
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222 | Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? |
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223 | 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual." |
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224 | A day without sunshine is like, well, night. |
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225 | I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. |
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226 | Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails! |
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227 | I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through. |
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228 | Q: Why did the nurse go to art school? A: To learn how to draw blood! |
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229 | My camera is broken. But, I won't have a negative attitude - I'll take it to the repair shop and see what develops. |
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230 | Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. |
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231 | Mail your packages early so that the post office can lose them in time for Christmas! |
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232 | Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. |
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233 | Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse? |
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234 | SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING. |
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235 | I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. |
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236 | It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. |
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237 | I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. |
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238 | Phone answering machine message - "... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...". |
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239 | Pirates make the best music because they write everything with a hook. |
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240 | Funeral homes are forever getting stiffed. |
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241 | Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car! |
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242 | I would love to, but my Dress For Obscurity class meets then. |
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243 | Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit. |
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244 | I would love to, but I'm having all my plants neutered. |
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245 | Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? |
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246 | The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord. |
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247 | A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. |
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248 | If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. |
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249 | Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad... |
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250 | When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or a swirly. |
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251 | In University I was going to join the debate team, but someone talked me out of it. |
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252 | One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. |
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253 | Q: Who earns a living by driving his customers away? A: A taxi driver. |
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254 | So what's the speed of dark? |
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255 | My maid is a commercial cleaner... She only cleans during commercials! |
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256 | Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people. |
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257 | I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym. Guess we just weren't working out. |
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258 | What we could really use is the separation of Bush and state. |
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259 | Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. |
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260 | The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging. |
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261 | Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer |
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262 | Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? |
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263 | I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. |
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264 | A penny saved is ridiculous. |
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265 | The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. |
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266 | If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes. |
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267 | I used to do yoga, but their expectations of me were too high. They wanted me to bend over backwards for them. |
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268 | How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? |
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269 | Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. |
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270 | All that glitters has a high refractive index. |
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271 | Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. |
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272 | Last night I had a dream that I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone. |
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273 | I would love to, but I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. |
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274 | When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. |
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275 | Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think. |
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276 | If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for? |
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277 | If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?" |
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278 | Q: What do ceramic tile and men have in common? A: If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life! |
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279 | I told a girl her eyebrows were drawn on too high. She looked surprised. |
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280 | I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site. |
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281 | If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both. |
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282 | KODACLONE - duplicating film. |
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283 | It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. |
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284 | I would love to, but my uncle escaped, again. |
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285 | Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. |
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286 | Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. |
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287 | My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. |
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288 | Ghosts are hard to impress. They boo everything. |
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289 | When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. |
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290 | Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? |
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291 | Anarchy is better that no government at all. |
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292 | Life's a bitch, then you die. |
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293 | To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer. |
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294 | Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. |
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295 | Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. |
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296 | Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. |
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297 | YTERM - A terminal program for queries. |
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298 | Clones are people two. |
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299 | Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. |
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300 | If you cannot convince them, confuse them. |
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301 | This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over. |
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302 | I would love to, but I never go out on days that end in "Y." |
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303 | Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters. |
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304 | Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper than plastic surgery. |
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305 | I walked into the bedroom and tripped on the wife's Bra. It was a booby trap. |
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306 | A king's castle is his home. |
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307 | I would love to, but I have to be on the next train to Bermuda. |
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308 | I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and... |
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309 | Q: What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost? A: Bamboo. |
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310 | Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object. |
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311 | It's amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on. |
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312 | I would love to, but I have to bleach my hare. |
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313 | Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? |
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314 | I would love to, but I promised to help a friend re-fold road maps. |
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315 | Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? |
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316 | I intend to live forever - so far, so good. |
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317 | When in doubt, don't bother. |
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318 | The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. |
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319 | So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' |
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320 | I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice. |
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321 | Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish? A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish. |
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322 | Life is a lot like toilet paper. You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole. |
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323 | Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? |
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324 | If all is not lost, where is it? |
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325 | Some people are like clouds. When they disappear it’s a brighter day. |
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326 | People think Cupid is a symbol for love. Personally, I find an arrow being shot through your heart by a flying baby very horrifying. |
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327 | Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. |
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328 | What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald people? |
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329 | Buried my grandmother in the wrong plot. That was a grave mistake. |
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330 | The little boy asked his dad one evening, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" "I don't know, son," he said. "I'm still paying for it." |
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331 | I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. |
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332 | If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? |
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333 | If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? |
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334 | If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees. |
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335 | If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? |
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336 | A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense. |
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337 | If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people. |
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338 | Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? |
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339 | All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. |
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340 | Corduroy pillows are making headlines. |
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341 | If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? |
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342 | It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. |
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343 | Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. |
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344 | If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. |
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345 | My grandfather died due to shoddy hospital care. I wouldn't have minded, but he was only in there to visit my grandma. |
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346 | If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with lies. |
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347 | It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere. |
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348 | Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. |
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349 | Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor. |
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350 | Q: Why didn't the dog want to play football? A: It was a boxer! |
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351 | Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A: A cherry float. |
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352 | Mind Like A Steel Trap Rusty And Illegal In 37 States. |
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353 | Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes. |
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354 | When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. |
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355 | Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. |
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356 | Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. |
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357 | Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? |
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358 | It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot. |
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359 | It works better if you plug it in. |
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360 | I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. |
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361 | Whoever said money doesn't grow on trees has obviously never sold weed. |
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362 | A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. |
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363 | I would love to, but I have too much guilt. |
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364 | Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will. |
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365 | If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? |
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366 | Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone. |
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367 | If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? |
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368 | When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. |
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369 | What do you call male ballerinas? |
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370 | Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence. |
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371 | Q: What do you say if you meet a toad? A: Wart's new! |
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372 | There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. |
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373 | Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. |
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374 | Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! |
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375 | Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. |
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376 | Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his bum. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." |
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377 | Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. |
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378 | Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality. |
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379 | If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane. |
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380 | I would love to, but I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others. |
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381 | What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh. |
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382 | Never test the depth of the water with both feet. |
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383 | Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. |
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384 | Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. |
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385 | Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? |
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386 | Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? |
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387 | Pardon my driving, I am reloading. |
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388 | Sea captains don't like crew cuts. |
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389 | Q: Why aren't there any famous skeletons? A: They're a bunch of no bodies. |
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390 | If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. |
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391 | I would love to, but I'm going to be old someday. |
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392 | Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit. |
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393 | Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt"? |
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394 | A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. |
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395 | Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down. |
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396 | Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"? |
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397 | I'm a sexual health doctor for the lower ranks of the military. I inspect the privates. |
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398 | Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink. |
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399 | I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. |
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400 | Q: What's another name for policemen when they're in bed? A: Undercover cops. |
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401 | If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? |
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402 | If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? |
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403 | I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me! |
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404 | We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. |
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405 | SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children. |
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406 | I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls. |
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407 | I would love to, but Oooo, having fun gives me prickly heat. |
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408 | If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? |
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409 | Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. |
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410 | Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! |
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411 | I would love to, but I think you want the OTHER (fill in your name here). |
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412 | Courage is your greatest present need. |
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413 | The road to to success is always under construction. |
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414 | TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids. |
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415 | If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. |
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416 | Going the speed of light is bad for your age. |
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417 | I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. |
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418 | Return ticket. That takes me back. |
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419 | The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. |
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420 | QUARKBAR - the candy with flavour and charm. |
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421 | If you jog backwards, will you gain weight? |
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422 | Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! |
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423 | A closed mouth gathers no foot. |
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424 | I would love to, but I prefer to remain an enigma. |
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425 | I tried to join the Paranoia's Anonymous, but they would't tell me where they were. |
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426 | Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. |
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427 | Never lick a gift horse in the mouth. |
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428 | A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. |
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429 | I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few... |
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430 | Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?" |
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431 | A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up. |
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432 | If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line. |
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433 | If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too? |
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434 | Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. |
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435 | If you shake up a can of beer, and spill it on your stove, do you get foam on the range? |
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436 | I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it. |
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437 | When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. |
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438 | Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! |
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439 | Xerox does it again and again and again and... |
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440 | Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever. |
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441 | Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery. |
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442 | Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." |
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443 | Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue. |
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444 | Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up. |
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445 | Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind. |
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446 | I would love to, but I'm too old for that stuff. |
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447 | It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. |
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448 | Those who can't write, write help files. |
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449 | If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. |
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450 | I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle. |
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451 | My best friend ran away with my wife... I miss him. |
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452 | All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. |
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453 | He who laughs last, thinks slowest. |
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454 | If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame. |
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455 | Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. |
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456 | A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. |
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457 | I would love to, but my bathroom tiles need grouting. |
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458 | He who hesitates is sometimes saved. |
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459 | I used to think maths was useless but then one day I realized that decimals had a point. |
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460 | A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead. |
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461 | If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons? |
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462 | Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. |
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463 | Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! |
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464 | Black holes are where God divided by zero. |
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465 | Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter." |
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466 | In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds. |
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467 | Honk if you love peace and quiet. |
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468 | My wife says we should spice up our sex life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Grey. First, she wants me to become a billionaire. |
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469 | To be, or not to be, those are the parameters. |
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470 | I would love to, but my mother would never let me hear the end of it. |
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471 | Q: What do you give a man with an artificial heart? A: Three weeks. |
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472 | My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time. |
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473 | Wasting time is an important part of life. |
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474 | Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. |
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475 | XMODEM - A spot-marking transfer protocol. |
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476 | Help support helpless victims of computer error. |
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477 | Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. |
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478 | A vampire walks into a bar, and asks for a "Large glass of A-positive blood." The bartender looks him square in the eyes, and says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your type here!" |