corrade-lsl-templates – Blame information for rev

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4 office 1 Today is the last day of your life so far.
2 I would love to, but I have to study for a blood test.
3 If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
4 If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
5 I want to die like my grandfather in his sleep, not like his screaming passengers.
6 Good friends are like bottles of Sweet Wine. That's why I keep mine locked in the cellar.
7 If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
8 When in doubt, ignore it.
9 A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
10 Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
11 I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
12 A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
13 I would love to, but I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
14 A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
15 Banning the bra was a big flop.
16 A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".
17 How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
18 I would love to, but I'm trying to cut down.
19 If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
20 A closed mouth gathers no feet.
21 Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
22 He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
23 On the other hand, you have different fingers.
24 Q: Why did the runner quit the race against Bigfoot? A: He couldn't face de-feet!!
25 God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
26 Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
27 The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
28 Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the- fridge-is" group.
29 I would love to, but I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
30 I would love to, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
31 Two cannibals are eating dinner. One says to the other, "Gosh, Bill, your wife makes a great meal."
32 What is a country song played backwards? Your wife gets back with you, your dog comes back to life, your car starts, you get your job back and life is great.
33 It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
34 I'm thinking of becoming a hitman... Yeah, I heard they make a killing.
35 Q: How do crazy people get through the forest? A: They take the psycho path.
36 When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
37 Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
38 Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
39 She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
40 I think the Japanese flag is really a pie chart of how afraid they are of Godzilla.
41 Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends.
42 I would love to, but I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
43 If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
44 Old math teachers never die, they just reduce to lowest term.
45 I would love to, but I feel a song coming on.
46 Q: What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? A: Mice cubes!
47 Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
48 Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
49 If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
50 Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
51 Titanic is just one example of the ice bucket challenge going wrong...
52 It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
53 Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
54 I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.
55 Q: How does the brain communicate with the nerves? A: With a Cell phone!
56 If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? (what if FedEx, UPS and Emery Worldwide merged = Fed Up Worldwide)?
57 Q: What did the sardine call the submarine? A: A can of people!
58 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...?
59 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
60 Q: What kind of music do Mummies listen to? A: Wrap.
61 Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
62 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
63 Don't blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
64 I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always!'
65 Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
66 I would love to, but I have to stay home and see if I snore.
67 The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they'll erase what they did during the week.
68 Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
69 I would love to, but I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I'm stuck on it.
70 If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?
71 Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
72 Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
73 Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Because their horns don't work!
74 If you are coasting, you're going downhill.
75 I would love to, but I'm up to my eardrums in waxy buildup.
76 You must've sat in a pile of sugar because you've got a sweet ass!
77 A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
78 Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
79 Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
80 Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
81 Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
82 Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
83 Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
84 It was all so different before everything changed.
85 I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
86 Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
87 As you read the scroll, it vanishes...
88 I would love to, but my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
89 Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
90 I would love to, but I have to jog my memory.
91 If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
92 How come abbreviated is such a long word?
93 Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
94 Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
95 Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
96 He who hesitates is boss.
97 Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.
98 History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other.
99 I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
100 A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.
101 Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
102 A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
103 I would love to, but I have to sit up with a sick ant.
104 Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
105 Q: Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? A: Women can see right through them.
106 I would love to, but I have to rotate my crops.
107 Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
108 Familiarity breeds children.
109 Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.
110 MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
111 Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
112 OK, so what's the speed of dark?
113 CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover.
114 Ain't it funny how the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car.
115 I would love to, but I have to go to court for kitty littering.
116 Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
117 I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
118 Computer modelers simulate it first.
119 Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
120 Computer hackers do it all night long.
121 Never miss a good chance to shut up.
122 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
123 Entropy isn't what it used to be.
124 After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.
125 If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
126 What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
127 I would love to, but I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
128 What do you call a male ladybug?
129 Saying you are dumped but we can still be friends is like saying the dog died but let's take it for a walk anyway.
130 Drive defensively -- buy a tank.
131 BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd.
132 Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
133 Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
134 Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
135 If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
136 Without geometry, life is pointless.
137 GAY ABANDON - Homosexual repellent perfume.
138 I would love to, but I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
139 Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
140 A bird in the hand is dead.
141 If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
142 I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
143 Q: Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder? A: He got a little behind in his work.
144 The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
145 It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. Albert Einstein
146 Is there another word for synonym?
147 Two women walked into a building. You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
148 Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!
149 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
150 I would love to, but I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
151 Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
152 If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
153 Always remember you are unique - just like everyone else.
154 Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before.
155 Don't squat with your spurs on.
156 Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
157 When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
158 No one is listening until you fart.
159 Q: Why are gold fish orange? A: The water makes them rusty!
160 Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
161 For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
162 If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
163 Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
164 Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
165 The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
166 I would love to, but I'm touring China with a wok band. I'm trying desperately to be less popular.
167 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
168 "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
169 Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
170 Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
171 Q: What do you call a guy turned on by a witch? A: Scared stiff.
172 I think the condoms need to be located in the baby aisle next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans.
173 Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
174 A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
175 I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
176 Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
177 With great power comes a great electricity bill.
178 If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
179 Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
180 I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
181 I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
182 This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
183 It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
184 I would love to, but I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
185 Q: Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank? A: He was caught drinking on the job.
186 I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
187 Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
188 A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
189 What the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, while I give these two a lift.
190 When all else fails, read the instructions.
191 I would love to, but my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
192 If you can't read this, you're illiterate.
193 I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
194 Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
195 A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
196 Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
197 Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
198 Why do midgets laugh when they run? Coz the grass tickles their balls!
199 Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
200 Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
201 I would love to, but I've been traded to Cincinnati.
202 I would love to, but I'm too young for that stuff.
203 Q: What travels all around the world while staying in one place? A: A postage stamp.
204 QUASIMOTO - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.
205 An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.
206 The interest in ironing is decreasing.
207 One day YouTube, Twitter and Facebook will merge and be known as YouTwitFace.
208 As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never!
209 I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
210 If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
211 Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
212 If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
213 Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
214 Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.
215 I would love to, but I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
216 If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
217 What if there were no hypothetical questions?
218 Q: What is the best thing about schizophrenia? A: You're never alone!
219 I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
220 Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
221 Why don't they just make mouse-flavoured cat food?
222 Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
223 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
224 A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
225 I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
226 Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails!
227 I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
228 Q: Why did the nurse go to art school? A: To learn how to draw blood!
229 My camera is broken. But, I won't have a negative attitude - I'll take it to the repair shop and see what develops.
230 Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
231 Mail your packages early so that the post office can lose them in time for Christmas!
232 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
233 Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
234 SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING.
235 I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
236 It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
237 I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
238 Phone answering machine message - "... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...".
239 Pirates make the best music because they write everything with a hook.
240 Funeral homes are forever getting stiffed.
241 Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
242 I would love to, but my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
243 Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.
244 I would love to, but I'm having all my plants neutered.
245 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
246 The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
247 A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
248 If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
249 Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad...
250 When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or a swirly.
251 In University I was going to join the debate team, but someone talked me out of it.
252 One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
253 Q: Who earns a living by driving his customers away? A: A taxi driver.
254 So what's the speed of dark?
255 My maid is a commercial cleaner... She only cleans during commercials!
256 Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
257 I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym. Guess we just weren't working out.
258 What we could really use is the separation of Bush and state.
259 Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
260 The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
261 Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer
262 Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
263 I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
264 A penny saved is ridiculous.
265 The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
266 If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
267 I used to do yoga, but their expectations of me were too high. They wanted me to bend over backwards for them.
268 How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
269 Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
270 All that glitters has a high refractive index.
271 Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
272 Last night I had a dream that I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
273 I would love to, but I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
274 When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
275 Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think.
276 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
277 If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
278 Q: What do ceramic tile and men have in common? A: If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!
279 I told a girl her eyebrows were drawn on too high. She looked surprised.
280 I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.
281 If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
282 KODACLONE - duplicating film.
283 It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
284 I would love to, but my uncle escaped, again.
285 Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
286 Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
287 My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
288 Ghosts are hard to impress. They boo everything.
289 When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
290 Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
291 Anarchy is better that no government at all.
292 Life's a bitch, then you die.
293 To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
294 Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
295 Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
296 Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
297 YTERM - A terminal program for queries.
298 Clones are people two.
299 Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
300 If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
301 This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
302 I would love to, but I never go out on days that end in "Y."
303 Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
304 Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
305 I walked into the bedroom and tripped on the wife's Bra. It was a booby trap.
306 A king's castle is his home.
307 I would love to, but I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
308 I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
309 Q: What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost? A: Bamboo.
310 Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
311 It's amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on.
312 I would love to, but I have to bleach my hare.
313 Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
314 I would love to, but I promised to help a friend re-fold road maps.
315 Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
316 I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
317 When in doubt, don't bother.
318 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
319 So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
320 I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
321 Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish? A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.
322 Life is a lot like toilet paper. You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.
323 Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
324 If all is not lost, where is it?
325 Some people are like clouds. When they disappear it’s a brighter day.
326 People think Cupid is a symbol for love. Personally, I find an arrow being shot through your heart by a flying baby very horrifying.
327 Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
328 What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald people?
329 Buried my grandmother in the wrong plot. That was a grave mistake.
330 The little boy asked his dad one evening, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" "I don't know, son," he said. "I'm still paying for it."
331 I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
332 If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
333 If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
334 If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
335 If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
336 A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.
337 If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
338 Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
339 All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
340 Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
341 If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
342 It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
343 Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
344 If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
345 My grandfather died due to shoddy hospital care. I wouldn't have minded, but he was only in there to visit my grandma.
346 If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with lies.
347 It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
348 Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
349 Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
350 Q: Why didn't the dog want to play football? A: It was a boxer!
351 Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A: A cherry float.
352 Mind Like A Steel Trap Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
353 Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
354 When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
355 Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
356 Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
357 Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
358 It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
359 It works better if you plug it in.
360 I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
361 Whoever said money doesn't grow on trees has obviously never sold weed.
362 A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
363 I would love to, but I have too much guilt.
364 Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.
365 If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
366 Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
367 If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
368 When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
369 What do you call male ballerinas?
370 Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
371 Q: What do you say if you meet a toad? A: Wart's new!
372 There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
373 Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
374 Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
375 Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
376 Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his bum. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
377 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
378 Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality.
379 If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane.
380 I would love to, but I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
381 What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh.
382 Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
383 Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
384 Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
385 Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
386 Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
387 Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
388 Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
389 Q: Why aren't there any famous skeletons? A: They're a bunch of no bodies.
390 If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
391 I would love to, but I'm going to be old someday.
392 Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
393 Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt"?
394 A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
395 Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
396 Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
397 I'm a sexual health doctor for the lower ranks of the military. I inspect the privates.
398 Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.
399 I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
400 Q: What's another name for policemen when they're in bed? A: Undercover cops.
401 If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
402 If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
403 I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!
404 We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
405 SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.
406 I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls.
407 I would love to, but Oooo, having fun gives me prickly heat.
408 If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
409 Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
410 Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
411 I would love to, but I think you want the OTHER (fill in your name here).
412 Courage is your greatest present need.
413 The road to to success is always under construction.
414 TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids.
415 If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
416 Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
417 I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
418 Return ticket. That takes me back.
419 The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
420 QUARKBAR - the candy with flavour and charm.
421 If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
422 Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
423 A closed mouth gathers no foot.
424 I would love to, but I prefer to remain an enigma.
425 I tried to join the Paranoia's Anonymous, but they would't tell me where they were.
426 Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
427 Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
428 A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
429 I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few...
430 Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
431 A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
432 If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.
433 If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
434 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
435 If you shake up a can of beer, and spill it on your stove, do you get foam on the range?
436 I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it.
437 When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
438 Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
439 Xerox does it again and again and again and...
440 Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
441 Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
442 Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
443 Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
444 Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.
445 Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
446 I would love to, but I'm too old for that stuff.
447 It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
448 Those who can't write, write help files.
449 If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
450 I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.
451 My best friend ran away with my wife... I miss him.
452 All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
453 He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
454 If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.
455 Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
456 A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
457 I would love to, but my bathroom tiles need grouting.
458 He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
459 I used to think maths was useless but then one day I realized that decimals had a point.
460 A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.
461 If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
462 Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
463 Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
464 Black holes are where God divided by zero.
465 Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."
466 In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
467 Honk if you love peace and quiet.
468 My wife says we should spice up our sex life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Grey. First, she wants me to become a billionaire.
469 To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
470 I would love to, but my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
471 Q: What do you give a man with an artificial heart? A: Three weeks.
472 My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
473 Wasting time is an important part of life.
474 Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
475 XMODEM - A spot-marking transfer protocol.
476 Help support helpless victims of computer error.
477 Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
478 A vampire walks into a bar, and asks for a "Large glass of A-positive blood." The bartender looks him square in the eyes, and says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your type here!"