corrade-lsl-templates – Rev 15
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What do the Atlanta Falcons and a white noise machine have in common? They both make artificial fan sounds.
My wife just got back from her OB/GYN appointments. He told her she cannot have sex 6 weeks. I said, "That's fine but what did your dentist say?"
Police: Come out with your hands up! Police: Come out with your hands up! Me: I'm gay. Police: So brave...
I'm going to buy my Dungeon Master a goldfish So I can carp a DM
What would you find inside a billion year old ice planet on the other side of the universe? One of my wife's hairs
A horse in a bar A horse is standing at the bar when a man walks up to him. "Why the long face?" he asked jokingly. "I'm stage four terminal and my wife left me, taking everything with her."
What did Whitney Houston say when asked which parts of public buildings are generally the most affectionate? Hallways love yooooouuuuu.
I saw my girlfriend shoving a calculator up her vagina. I said, "What the fuck are you doing? You look like you're in agony." She said, "It's what's inside that counts."
Do you know today the world is celebrating "Safer Internet Day" If you're celebrating too, stay away from porn and other internet nasties :D
Why can't Chinese people see? Cause they must get 'A'!
What makes a chicken sneeze? Boog boog boog bogaaa
Good, bad, worse Good: I slept with my teacher after prom last night. Bad: I was home schooled. Worse: by my dad.
Metal fans don't rest in peace, they RUST in peace.
Why you shouldn't you buy Russian underpants ? Coz Cher-nob-il fallout !
What would people from 1000 years ago say... If you told them in the future you'll be able to travel and communicate with people around the world near instantly. "You mean across?"
What's pink and covered in cobwebs? Maddie McCann's bike.
I tried selling drugs once. I tried selling drugs once. The guy asked me for some coke and I paniced and asked him if Pepsi was ok.
My Girlfriends asked me why the Body cells go through Meiosis and why her textbook sexualized them. I replied "Sex Cells."
What do you call the swine who like children? Pigofiles
What did Mexican Fozzie Bear say? "Oaxaca, oaxaca, oaxaca!"
Why shouldn't you write with a dull pencil? Because it's pointless. IT'S POINTLESS.
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let?s go play on our bikes.
Why was the T-Rex angry? His arms were too short to sarcastically slow clap this terrible joke...
I like my women like I like my coffee... Ground up and in the cupboard.
As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.
Presidential monster Remember guys, Steve Bannon is the President. Trump is the name of his monster.
If a Jew gets a new phone... Can they use their own number???
I introduced my girlfriend to my family My wife did not like her.
How do you know that Frank was an honest person? Whenever anyone tells the truth, they are either Frank or doing it like Frank.
Childhood Nursery Rhyme Old Mother Hubbard, went to her cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone... But Rover took over, and he bent her over, and gave her a bone of his own
What public official is most prone to giving their stuff away? A sheriff.
big brother is watching you... and he is bored!
What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common? They both come with force touch
Which one is heavier? A tonne of rocks or a tonne of feathers? The answer? Its a tonne of feathers because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to all those poor birds...
Kid #1: I wish I had been born 1,000 years ago. Kid #2: Why is that? Kid #1: Just think of all the history that we wouldn't have to learn.
Why would New Zealand starting a war against Australia be historical? It would be the first time New Zealand declared anything against Australia.
My girlfriend just split up with me. She kept crying and saying that I spend too much time on the internet. Jokes on her, there are hundreds of hot singles in my area looking to hook up.
Have you seen any of Stevie Wonder's music videos? He hasn't.
Are you serious No, I'd have to change my name for that
An infectious disease walks into a bar. Barman says, ?we don't serve your type here?. Infectious disease replies, ?well, you are not a very good host.?
Getting married before the age of 25 Getting married before the age of 25 sounds a lot like leaving a party before 10 PM to me.
Kids on social media nowadays are so selfish. It's always meme meme meme.
What was the hardest question on Timmy's homework last night? 69d.
What brand of glasses do short-sighted dyslexic nymphomaniacs wear? FCUK
Why do people fall in love with pavements? Because they touch our soles.
Trump is just like the rest of us Melania puts his pants on one leg at a time
I think people are underestimating the effect of fruit on the human race. I mean come on, people all across the US are rioting because of a fucking orange.
With all the negativity in the world today... ...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.
I was told it was racist to use "welsh" when someone won't pay a bet. They said to use "renege". So I called them a bunch of renegers instead.
My dog ran away this morning. I walked around the neighbourhood looking and calling his name for an hour but still couldn't find him. My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a couple of tattoos. Still can't find the fucking dog....
(An original) I'll always get in a fight with someone with dwarfism.... We just don't see eye to eye.
A man has been admitted to hospital after shoving 6 toy horses up his arse. Doctors have described his condition as stable.
I just ate a frozen apple! Hardcore.
I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn?t seem to be gaining momentum
Scumbag Steve, when told the babe at the party had Herpes Zoster on her head, asked "Do the shingles match the carpet?"
What is the funniest bird alive? A Hahastrich!
What is Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination? HAND EYEEEEEEE
What do you call Batman running out of church? Christian Bale
How do u reanimate a corpse? Abra Cadavera!
How do Mexicans cut their pizza? "Little Cea-sars"
Trump really needs to do something about all these Canadians. Seriously, geese are the worst.
Why did the Sovereign Citizen cross the road? ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! AM I BEING DETAINED?!
Third times the charm... ...said god before he accidentally created down syndrome.
I like my women like I like my jeep Topless and easy to get into.
What will be the most profitable career in 2017? Mexican ladder salesman.
What's Scooby Doo's favorite chocolate? Fe rrer ruh-roh cher
So the horse walked into a bar ... and the bartender said, "Say fella, why the long face?"
A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printer was I replied: "Go use the one in the back you nigger"
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just beat the shit outta the room for being black..
When I see lovers' names carved into a tree I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
What word is used to describe a plant's range of emotions? Chlorofeels
How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
Why is it always a good idea to wear 'tall pants'? Because it's a practice of good high-jean!
How do you spell DEATH? A-va-da Ke-da-vra!
It's not okay to just punch a nazi in the face You're supposed to finish the job
What's a small black dot between two larger white ones? A flea with cotton wool in its ears.
What do crows drink in the morning? CAWWWWWW-FEE!
My Gf's ponytail always comes undone when we're together Oh well, I guess it just comes with the *hairritory*.
Just became a fan of Adele She had me at Hello
What do you get when rabbis eat too many carrots? Orange juice.
What do you call a dog with seven legs that can't walk right? Severalpawsy
What did Melania say to Donald right after sex? Honey, I'll be home in 30 minutes.
Four gay guys walk into a bar Bartender says,"Sorry, only one unoccupied stool at the moment." Gay guy says,"That's completely fine." Gay man proceeds to turn the stool upside down and each of them sits on a leg.
My wife recently won the Annual Women's Golf Meet in our district Needless to say, I have started calling her the "Intercourse Champion of the County "
How are OP's Mom and Velour alike? they both take several days to dry out
If you're feeling cold, go stand in the corner. It's 90 degrees there.
What do you call a horny midget? An extended version of The Hobbit.
Did you hear about the otter that begged a beaver to build him a dam? The beaver did not give a barrier that impounds water or underground streams
I love my doctor He told me I only had 3 months to live. I said "thanks for letting me know, doc; but I'm sorry, I don't know how I'll be able to pay you." So he got me six more months.
I'm completely OK with peeing in the shower.. It's only natural to have a little come out when you're having a poo.
Why didn't the oven get its TV show green lit? Because the pilot light was out.
A giant mushroom attempts to enter a bar... and is stopped by the bouncer. The bouncer says we'll have none of your sort in here tonight. The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"
Are you an ass man or a tits man? I ass myself that every day. Tits a bit hard to figure out.
What do you call a russian cow? Mos-cow
The mexican magician was at his gig... He said to the audience: "on the count of 3 i will disappear. Uno... Dos..." and he vanished without a Tres
My local ski resort was ripped off last week for around $900. The robber stole a burger, two beers, and some chips.
If Trump was a spy in the Vietnam War, what would his code name be? Agent Orange
I accidentally misidentified my friend's pet bird It was hawkward.
I would tell you all an anus joke.. Butt fuck it.
What do you call a smart blonde? A Golden Retriever.
Our anniversary is coming up, so my wife told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She will love this pack of playing cards.
Tom Brady has 6 of the most desired rings in the world 5 are from the Super Bowl
The problem with Donald Trump is... He never learned harass was one word.
Why don't kleptomaniacs get puns? They always take things literally.
I promised my mom I would never get raped I said I would always consent. She said no one would want to.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. Hi I'm Joe and I eat ass.
What was Hitler's philosophy on PR? Weimar your reputation when you know you're in the Reich!
What do you call a guy who urinates bug spray? Pissed OFF!
Super Bowl 51 will go down as the Gettysburg Address of the NFL Four score and 20 minutes to go.....
Why is Donald Trump like Jesus?? He'll never be as good as his Daddy.
My friend looked at my pregnant wife and said: "I wonder if it isn't really hot in there, for the baby" I replied: "It's likely womb-temperature."
How did Captain Hook die? He wiped with the wrong hand
What does 'mine shaft' mean to a German? His Penis
What is a frisky Optimus Prime called? An autothot.
If foreigners are upset to have had their visas cancelled... Why don't they just apply for MasterCards instead?
What is Trump's Cabinet called? The Insane Clown's Posse.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating I told her she sounded like my wife
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wipe his butt.
What did the cannibal say when he ate a clown? "That tasted funny."
An inmate at my work threw his food down onto his tray. "Now I know why people turn gay in prison..." "...I'd rather lick another man's butthole than eat this crap." I died.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way.
Where do men go for vacation after their bar mitzvah? Jew-bouti
How many Call Of Duty players does it take to change a light bulb? Both of them.
Listen to this new joke.... 584753
What do you call it when a song is cut off before it ends? ...a clefhanger.
Why does Paris have trees along Main Street? Because Germans like to walk in the shade.
Did you hear about the neutron that was arrested yesterday? He wasn't charged tho
Two sides of hummus decided to go out to eat Two sides of hummus decided to go out to eat. Once they finished eating, they said, "chickpeas!"
An internet meme caught his wife cheating in their bed. "And I say heeey heeey heeey heeey heeey!!!"
You wanna know how to say "Redonkulous" in Spanish? "Redicburro"
Trump just posted a picture of the protests in Romania.. .. as evidence he had the biggest inauguration crowd ever.
Why was the patient angry at the doctor who wanted his urine sample? He was taking the piss
Guy walks into a Mexican restaurant but he's not that hungry... And they serve free tortilla chips. He asks for one chip and they give it to him. He swipes his credit card, and nothing happens. The employee looks at him and says, "Dude... it's a chip."
What's the difference between my gf and Roald Dahl Roald Dahl has a Magic Finger
Captain hook can't kill 20 kindergarteners. But Sandy Hook can.
At what time do drug dealers wake up? At the crack of dawn!
My old girlfriend was bad at math That's Y she's my X.
What's a Trump supporter's favorite college? Electoral.
Why does Donald Trump like the NFL better than college football? Because it's Big League
My African-American friend hooked up with a girl from Thailand... It was a real black-Thai affair.
what does a hornet an rain gear have in common? Yellow jacket
Did you guys hear about the Bowling Green Massacre? On 9/3/16 they lost to The Ohio State 77-10
What do you call a surrealist painter that converts to Islam? Muhammad Dali
Who are the fastest readers in the world? The people in the World Trade Center, those mother fuckers blew through 110 stories in 5 seconds.
Why did the chicken go to the library? To check out a book-book-book!
What do you call a stubborn donkey? A badass
What's the easiest class in a Catholic school? Religion. It has no facts to memorize
Today I change my major from law to liberal arts. Psych.
My girlfriend doesn't want me to come in her ear My girlfriend said not to cum in my ear because she will go deaf, but I told her that I cum in her mouth all the time and that doesn't get her to shut the fuck up.
Why don't sharks eat more than one dentist at a time? They're filling.
What's the difference between Extreme Vetting and Waterboarding? (Also seeking alternate punch lines) .... the need for rendition.
Brady once again charged with letting the air out of something. This time it was the Falcons defense
My wife is a teacher hoping for a snow day, and I told her to brace for Winter Storm Christopher. She said "They don't close schools in Michigan for 3 inches of white stuff"
Did you hear about the gangster who loved apples? He was a member of the honeycrips
[nsfw] Everybody thinks Tom Brady had the best comeback ever But Kim Kardashian is the cumback queen
Found this joke on a sticky note Person1: Hey person2 I need to get into your Reddit account, what's the username and password? Person2: Ok, the username is "suck my" Person1: Ok, and the password? Person2: Dick Person1: Passwords too short.
Climate change doesn't matter if you stay indoors.
My friend is upset because her boyfriend won't eat out anymore since they got a meal delivery service. She says she's going to try putting a blue apron sticker on her box and see what happens.
(NSFW) I'm a bit like Beer... I also come in pints.
The more medical students I met, the less I trust doctors.
How do young bees get to school? Why, the school buzz, of course!
Did you hear about the weird physicist? He's a lovely guy but he's got some strange quarks.
What word do you never want to call a Black Man that starts with N and ends with r Neighbor
What's the most common phrase uttered by a blond after sex? "Are you guys all on the same team?"
Why should doctors wear surgical masks when pulling the plug on Donald Trump? So no one can see their smiles.
Why can you make a comparison between the Patriots and Lara Croft? Because they both get TomBrady
I just read a post about Queen Elizabeth II, and something struck me as odd... After spending 65 years on the throne, I suppose she's the most constipated ruler ever.
Just when defeat seemed inevitable... when all hope was lost and my prayers seemed futile... THE PATRIOTS WON !!! Oh, and something about a big game yesterday? I don't watch football.
A kid says to his younger brother: "Look, i found a dildo underneath mom's pillow." The brother replies: "What's a pillow?"
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? You nail a piece of toast to the wall
Tired of people complaining about Ukrainian body's of water that Russia is occupying Crimea river.
What did the leader of Russia say when someone knocked on the bathroom door? Leave me alone Im Putin
Why do we evacuate women before the men in an emergency? So we can assess the situation properly.
Someone was handing out certificates for a free Karate Lesson at the mall yesterday He told me I could only Taek Won Do
The Patriots are true gentlemen. They let the Falcons finish their game before they started theirs.
A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian "CAN I GET A BIG MAC FRIES AND A COKE?!!" The librarian says "excuse me miss.....this is a library." The blonde says...."oh im sorry (whispers) can i get a big mac fries and a coke?"
What's the difference between a pizza and an art degree? A pizza doesn't deliver an art degree
Finally took Revenge from my ex... She had it since last two weeks. Gotta return it back to the library.
You know there's an actual name for unexpected sex right? The Spanish Inquisition. Because no one sees it coming.
There are a lot of jokes in the world Most of them are people.
I don't drink anymore. I freeze it now and I eat it like a popsicle.
I couldn't sleep because woman was knocking on my door at 2 AM last night I tried to go back to sleep but eventually I had to let her out.
I am terrified of elevators, I'm gonna start taking steps to avoid them.
I believe as a society, it is our dictionaries that define us.
I had a confusing sex dream last night It was a real mindfuck
What's the difference between the church 1,000 years ago and the church today? A thousand years ago Father Roy didn't get arrested.
Want to know how I got back from the middle east? I Ran
I jokingly told my friend I was gay... He's been fucking me in the ass for 3 months now and hasn't figured out the truth yet. Haha, I can't wait to see the look on his face!
Roger Goodell must be drunk after last night from... all the boos from the Patriots' fans during the post game ceremonies.
President Trump can never finish a book He always gets stuck in chapter 11
Where does Matthew Mcconaughey's Political Ideology come from? The Altright, Altright, Altright
Why won't Lion win Best Picture? Starving Indian children has always been a naan-issue.
and God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of world... ...then God made the Earth round..and he laughed and laughed. edit: I proof read this so may times... amd -> and
U should try the salmon in river styxs Its too die for
Why is Alabama the best place for sandwiches? Because of their experience working with inbreds.
The problem with Bill Clinton Is that he never learned harass was one word.
What do you call a substance that makes people attracted to both genders? A bi-product!
Australians don't have sex Australians mate
How do you choke a predatory bird? Give them a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl.
Where is the safest place to be on a capsizing ship? (Worst joke ever) The Galley! Everything but the kitchen sinks. ^(I warned you)
What did the father buffalo say to his son as he left for school? Bison.
Your breasts looked bigger on your profile... ...which means I won't feel so bad when you pull my pants down now.
Brokeback Mountain was such a nontraditional movie... ... it's the only one I've seen where the good guy gets it in the end.
What kind of food just puts you in a bad mood? Feel-awful
What is Mexico's National Animal? The drug mule.
What file format does Gordon Ramsay take photos in? FUCKING RAW!
I nearly talked my way out of a speeding fine earlier by telling this Police woman she looked bloody stunning Then I went and fucked it up by saying, 'And that's not the drink talking either'
Falcons CHOKE!!!
What is the recipe for success for ice cream men? Good Humor.
What's the correct way to pronounce nihilism? Doesn't matter.
You should always have a pet to make you feel safe... Just the other night my wife woke me tell me heard glass breaking and footsteps downstairs. She calmed down when I told it was probably just the fish.
Look at all those hot children in that schoolyard! It's 115∞F out you sick fucks
Whats the difference between my ex gf and my childhood imagination? Nothing, they both don't exist anymore.
If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, But if fife gives you melons... You probably have dyslexia
Single ones from Reddit: If you have to choose between your dream date and one last concert of Queen? How many hours you will arrive early?
What did the French call the Germans during WW1? Somme of bitches.
Q:Name of Melanias new book A:Mein Trump
I heard Kevin O'Leary was running in a leadership race I'm just not sure if it's in Canada or the US
They say good things come in threes... Try telling that to someone with Down Syndrome
How do you get a champagne cork back in the bottle? I don't know, ask a Falcons fan
What do you call an Invisible Zeppelin? A Hiddenburg.
my wife has sick tits she has breast cancer
[NSFW] Women have a new form a birth control She'll fuck a guy real hard and then about half-way through lay on her back and then take it up the ass. It's called *The Falcon Method*.
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side
TIL in 1892 a man was investigated for never having taken a bowel movement in his life. They called him "No shit Sherlock"
What do you do behind your wife's back? Doggystyle
So a man in a wheelchair is having dinner at a restaurant. The waiter comes over and asks: "Would you like a glass of wine"? To this the man replies: "No thanks, I'm driving".
First Harrison Ford got cast as Han Solo... then he got cast as Han Solo.
All these Trump jokes... that he'll never understand.
Did you hear about the sex move called the Tom Brady? I'm not sure of the specific mechanics but, you cum from behind FTW!
A new study has revealed that diarrhea is actually based on heredity They found if runs in your jeans
I'm tired of people talking about how strong ants are. I can pick up a leaf too, who cares.
When I was young, I used to have an obsession with Posh Spice Which cost my mum a fortune in saffron
Did you hear about the charges being pressed on the mineral? It was assault.
They say history repeats itself... But I never expected it to repeat itself so soon, let alone at the superbowl! I haven't seen a lead blown so bad since Hillary's 2016 Campaign!
In honor of the Bowling Green Massacre, wear a green ribbon . . . . . . or, perhaps more appropriately, some color you made up in your head.
What are the most productive pants? Participants.
I went to an institute of botanical research the other day, but they only had one type of mushroom It was a shiitake
Eating clocks is not that difficult. It's just very time-consuming.
How Do You Cut Down A Tree? A sawwwwwwww Dude
Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.
Everyone were dying, except joseph He kept stalin his death
How do you explain destiny to a child of divorced parents? Tell them their custody is in their hands.
Tom Brady now has a perfect track record. He's won 5/7 Superbowls he's been in.
What American State sells small pop cans? Mini-Soda (Minnesota)
Why did the penguin break up with the walrus? Because they were polar opposites.
Why did the people living next door to the tennis factory call the cops? Because they were making a racquet.
Why Poop is named Poop Because when you say it your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when you poop!
I just watched an Imam trying to perform a tracheotomy on a Labrador while free-falling at 10,000 feet... ... I'm not sure extreme vetting for Muslims is such a good idea.
A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printer was I replied, "Dude, it's 2017, you can use any printer you want."
Your Uncle Jack got stuck on a roof Would you help your Uncle Jack off?
It's no wonder falcons are an endangered species They've got an extreme choking problem.
Dinosaur Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? because they're dead!
What did Nancy Sinatra say about her actor friend Christopher's custom-made footwear? These boots are made for Walken.
Jack - Bro do you know newton's second law? Jhonny - I am a Science student bro! not a Law student.
I bought a copy of the Kama Sutra to spice things up in the bedroom with my girlfriend... ...unfortunately, it wouldn't fit inside her.
What did the penguin say when he walked into the bar ouch
What do you call an invisible black man? Incog-negro
A Scottish, fedora-wearing art professor complimented his Scandinavian student. "Nice skies, Finnish lass!"
Where do people who praise WiFi go? The promised LAN.
And God said unto John, "Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
How to tell an estate agent is lying? Their lips will be moving.
It's so unfair that people are still judged by the color of their skin. If you want a tattoo, you should be able to get a tattoo and not worry about what people think.
What do you call Santa without both his arms?... ***Can't Applause...***
Whats green and smells of pork? Kermit's fingers
Did you hear that Donald Trump converted to Judaism? He heard that Vladimir Putin likes to drink vodka with orange jews.
I hear the capital of Sweden really sucks.... But no one can leave.
Yo mamma so stupid She tells her kids yo mamma jokes
Queen Elizabeth has been on the Throne for 65 years That's one hell of a dodgy curry.
Did you hear about the veterinarian who caught laryngitis? He is mostly just a hoarse doctor now.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of kill it. We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.
What is a plane carrying yesterday's Superbowl officials called? Jet LI.
The Falcons Rise Up every year..... lose every year.
The Patriots are like a giant dick. Everyone that tries to take them on, ends up choking.
Reddit, I know the cure to cancer [removed]
Why did the Atlanta Falcons throw their 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl? They realized that if they won they'd have to visit President Trump in the Whitehouse.
Which vegetable is kind of rad? Radish
Today in class we were sayin synonoms.. And my friend said "Donald Trump and Idiot!". My teacher wrote it down
How much room is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible.
Did you hear Atlanta is getting a new mascot? Hillary Clinton
My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair... Deep down I knew she'd come crawling back to me.
Hey! What's up? A heartwarming animated film about a boy, an old man, and his dog who all fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.
I just got over 15 Valentines cards! It left me breathless... The security guard at the Hallmark store gave quite a chase.
To be Frank... I'd have to change my name
I submitted my DNA for genetic testing and the lab wrote back that I'm related to Donald Trump! I guess that's what I get for using 24 and me . . .
Why is Donald Trump orange? Because he is ripe.
We used to live on a very busy main road. But after our 4th child got run over, we decided to move in to a house.
If pros and cons were opposites.... Then wouldn't Congress be the opposite of progress?
Why did Obama get two terms as President? Because every black man gets a longer sentence.
What's the difference between a ginger and a vegetable? One's brain dead and the other is good for you
I have 3 heads, 4 legs, 6 hands and 416 fingers, what am I? A liar.
This was the most Superbowlly Super Bowl ever *Super Bowl LI
What do hobbit homes with no entrances need? More doors.
"I prefer guys who make small dick jokes about themselves over those who make big dick jokes about themselves." "Well, I have a medium dick. It can talk to ghosts."
I like my bowels like I like my women... Loose.
In breaking news, Trump's personal library has burned down The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn't even finished coloring the second one
Who is your favorite rapper? Mine is Bill Cosby, WAIT no I meant favorite RAPER not rapper, my bad
Someone told me that I'm a narcissist today I told them its everyone else that has a problem
A chemist auditioned for the play He got a 82 role!
Looking at you is like looking at Chernobyl "Why, because I'm radiantly beautiful?" "No because you're a fucking disaster."
I bet all the Falcon's fans out there are feeling a bit... deflated. ^[hangs ^head ^in ^shame]
A mad scientist is showing off his newest invetion to his henchman "Behold! This wrist-mounted device shows me my exact location and speed within the fourth dimension!" "Looks kinda like a wristwatch to me Boss."
"Want to hear an unfunny joke?" "No" Too late.
Goku has a big chance to... Go coo at a bird.
What do you call a large dog that meditates? Aware wolf.
I had Patriots Sex this morning. That's where you cum from behind.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster? Terrier-fied!
You hear about that failed drug dealer? He couldn't cut it.
I was in a restaurant when... A man asked 'Who knows CPR?' And I said, 'I know all the letters of the alphabet!' And we all laughed, And laughed, And laughed, Except one guy
Why did Jeffrey Dahmer move to a larger apartment? He needed more leg room.
What isn't a better love story than Twilight? Donald and Ivanka.
What do you call a gay drive by? A fruit-rollup
We got 6 inches of snow last night and I'm the only one to show up to work today You'd think these pussies would like 6 inches
My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness. At least thats what the cat told me.
What did you call a Mexican snake? Hisssspanic
My dad doesnt trust anyone, in fact he has a saying about it But he wouldnt tell me Credits: Anthony Jeselnik
Two sewing machines were walking down the road... As they pass by each other one says to the other "Hey are you that Singer?". The other replies "Janome?".
What medical condition are elderly bats most afraid of? Incontinence.
What do you call a dancing Latina with a yeast infection? Macarena and cheese
What is the difference between a couch and a black person? Couch can support a family of five.
How do you make a pigeon explode? Convert it to islam
Apparently breastfeeding hurts Which is sucky.
Austin Powers: Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Austin Powers: Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass deceased, ham sandwich. Atlanta Falcons, deceased, choked on a 25 point lead.
" I pulled you over today because do you know how fast you were going today, sir?" "I definitely was not driving as fast as you, officer."
I went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar... But they only gave me 3 quarters.
Two Scientists Walk Into a Bar The first scientist says "I'll have some H2O" The second scientist then proceeds to grab a stool from the bar and throw it at his colleague, realising that the first scientist was trying to murder him.
If only Jason Pierre Paul played for the Patriots instead of the Giants... He would be the first NFL player to have a ring on every finger.
What is Mexico's National Animal? The drug mule.
Where did the king keep his armies? In his sleevies
What's the difference between a dirty bird and a dirty tub? A DIRTY TUB HAS A RING!
Two old prostitutes are sitting on a porch reminiscing about the good old days... One asks: "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other one replies: "No, but I've been swung by the tits a few times."
Someone running behind a car gets exhausted Someone running in front of a car gets tired
How do you wake Lady Gaga from a Nap? Poker Face
My son didn't take his kleptomania medication this morning. He took mine.
The Atlanta quarterback should become a baseball pitcher... He's great at throwing.
Want to hear a Super Bowl joke? The Atlanta Falcons.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer I'm Ng sure what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
Free hoover It's just collecting dust
Why is free Wi-Fi never seen in churches? Because no church wants to be challenged by an invisible power that actually works.
How could anybody be a masochist? Beats me...
I'm changing my name to Lead So I have a pretty good chance of someone blowing me
Marriage certificate. WIFE: "Honey, what are you doing?" HUSBAND: "I'm reading our marriage certificate" WIFE: "What for?" HUSBAND: "I'm looking for the expiry date..."
Girl wanted me to maker her scream with two fingers. So I poked her in both eyes.
Marriage counselor. A married couple come to the marriage counselor. The wife complains: "We were having a perfect marriage, until his girlfriend started dating my boyfriend..."
Wanna hear the best Irish joke ever? Dry weather.
Booze man Little Johny comes to his drunk uncle: -Uncle, you should stop drinking -Ahh Johny, I am too old to stop now. -But, Uncle, it is never too late to stop. -Then I have plenty of time before I stop, my dear Johny.
What do you call a cow with Parkinsons? Beef Jerky
Donald trump takes The New England Patriots out on his Yacht to celebrate their latest Super Bowl victory. The Yacht sinks and America is great again.
Anne has a will... Anne Hathaway
How do you crucify a spastic? On a swastika.
i've got a Liszt of great composer puns that's Haydn in my closet somewhere... i could look Bach there and read it to you, but i don't think you could Handel it.
What's the difference between dubstep and any other kind of electronic music? In the middle of a dubstep track, Optimus Prime takes a dump.
What did the Cardinal say when he saw the Pope had forgot to flush? Holy shit!
Two cholo bitches are arguing over who's nails are better, and shit is ABOUT TO GO DOWN. To prevent a fight, what kind of test can you administer in this situation to determine who's nails are actually the most fire? A "lit mas" test.
Since the term "Gay" refers to people who are homosexual I guess that makes them a HOMOsapien
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Boyfriend: "I bet you $100 you can't say something that makes me both happy and sad". Girlfriend: "of all your friends, you have the biggest dick".
I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.
Welcome to Trump's America where the best black superbowl player is White.
The author of the book "Childish Retorts" died today. RIP Ewan Whosarmy
Difference between twins I've fucked a set of twins. People have asked me how hard it was to tell them apart, but it was actually quite easy. You see, Caroline was a redhead with an amazing pair of tits, And frank had a cock.
How do you make lady Gaga cry? Poker face
I accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it also cost me a fortune in stamps.
How do you circumcise a Trump supporter? Kick his secret gay lover in the jaw.
Are you sure you're the Falcons? And not the *Falcants?*
I was addicted to the hokey pokey... But I turned myself around.
Beer is like the sun Beer is like the Sun. It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist.
Why is spongebob great at high pressure situations? Because he can soak up the pressure.
What Is Undeniably The Most Hated Thing In The Community Garden? A Dick Tator
School is like my baby boy... It hasn't worked right since I dropped it.
The "American Dream" was discussed in class the other day... ... the professor turned to the German foreign exchange student and asked if they had anything like that in Germany to which he responded, "We did, but nobody liked it."
What's the point of Jewish football? Getting the quarter back.
Overtime is a curse word in retail.* *And the Atlanta Falcons.
The last time the Reds had a collapse this big West and East Berlin became united
I forgot how to throw a boomerang but then it came back to me.
The patriots may have won the super bowl... But the Falcons won the popular vote
Falcons return to Atlanta tomorrow Guess the walking dead will be back sooner than we thought
What did Andrew Johnson say when he was inaugurated into office after Walt Whitman wrote his poem? I'm the Captain Now
What kind of party did the Donners have? A meat and greet.
What's the difference between a rat and a prostitute? One's a cunning runt, the other is a running cunt.
I have a cold Its snot good.
I tried to send her nudes... ...But the file size was too big.
Who's a urologist's favorite jazz singer? Urethra Franklin!
Peter Dinklage should open a BBQ restaurant Called "Pig Me"
I haven't seen a lead blown this badly since Hilary's 2016 campaign.
What does Hillary and the falcons have in common? They both blew it in the last quarter.
Why was the ground all white after Custer's Last Stand? Because the Indians kept coming and coming and coming... **Courtesy of Stephen King's "The Stand"
What do the Falcons have in common with Democrats? They both won the popular vote but lost to Trump.
A man walks into a bar ...and says "ouch" Someone should move that.
A man drives over his wife who's fault is it? The mans, he shouldn't have been driving in the kitchen.
I need to pass my exams So I decided to join the Falcons. They pass even when they shouldn't.
I know why Matt Ryan still single He has a choking fetish
New Job Opening! Atlanta Falcons Defensive Coordinator No experience needed!
The Devil went down to Georgia . . . And obviously reneged on his deal with Falcons fans.
I think if I saw God strangle Satan right now... ...it would only be the second biggest choke I've seen tonight.
Who choked harder the Golden State Warriors or the Atlanta Falcons? Hillary Clinton
Dark humor is like food, not everybody gets it.
Abreva The official sponsor of the Lombardi Trophy procession... and all other major sports trophies.
The New England Patriots are perfect. Perfect 5/7.
Tom Brady and I have one thing in common, We are both now overqualified for our jobs.
The Mexican triathlon team is already being picked as the favorites for gold in the 2020 Olympics. All of their best runners and swimmers are soon returning home.
This day will go down in Falcons history..... The day the Falcons won the popular, but lost the electoral.
I got into a fight with my father when I told him Jim Morrison wasn't talented. He forced me to go to my room. I slammed my door behind me, and my dad said, "Don't you ever slam The Doors in my house again!"
What did the Falcons choke on after halftime? Deflated balls
Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did." Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer."
Why must you hurry when having sex with your fat fiancÈe on top? It's a pressing engagement.
Tom Brady needs to improve... He needs to touch-up on his touchdowns.
You know what Trump and the Patriots have in common? Everyone hates them both, but they both win!
Whats the best way to fuck up anything? Take it to Atlanta.
To save time we should shorten POTUS to POS
Super Bowl Guess the Falcons were seeing how far hard they could throw a game, not a football...
I haven't seen a team blow a win this bad... Since Hitler invaded Russia
The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly Sherman marched to the sea
Congratulations to Tom Brady, the first player to be undefeated over 5+ Super Bowls. He's won all 5/7.
Don't let this Superbowl distract you... from the fact that the Warriors blew a 3-1 lead.
Dady, what is in between mummy's legs? - A paradise. - And what's between your's? - The key. - So you should change the lock, because our neighbour has a passkey.
What did the Hacker say to his girlfriend? "I'm in."
My friend keeps saying "Cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck in an underground hole full of water" I know he means well...
My wife said that having sex on holiday was the best It certainly wasn't the best postcard I've ever received
A Irish man goes to the builders merchant He picks up a tin of paint and brings it over to the counter. The woman behind the till scans it though and said 'would you like a bag for that.' He says: 'ah no it's fine in the tin.'
Which came first? The chicken or the egg? Chicken, the egg just laid there and took it.
A sex toy salesman from the US takes a business trip to Canada The border agent asks "are you going to Canada for business or pleasure". The salesman responds with "I'm here for the business of pleasure".
The Patriots can still win... By Electoral College votes.
God is everywhere. That's why Morgan Freeman is in every seat of the plane.
I hope Tom and Gisele weren't planning on having more kids. He's already firing blanks.
I don't get football.... At the beginning of the game, they flip a quarter to see who kicks off first. Then the rest of the game everybody just keeps trying to "get the quarter back". I mean, it's just a quarter, what's the big deal!?!
I wonder why dogs get mad when you blow in their faces but as soon as you put them in a car they stick their head out the window.
What? s the difference between a pizza and a jew The pizza doesn¥t scream when you put it in the oven
The Patriots The pats shoulda subbed Bush in, he got more yards on that wheelchair than Blount did all game. #riseup
When you buy a bigger bed... You have more bed room but less bedroom
How many black people does it take to start a riot? Negative 1
The Patriots are like the "German Engineering" of NFL teams But even the Germans make mistakes
My granddad always did say that we were too reliant on technology... I replied, "No, you are grandpa." As I unplugged his life support
1000 degree fidget spinner vs my neck. The result kept my head rolling!
A cop threatened to detain me for impersonating a police officer Apparently, "you can't arrest me, I'm a police officer!" wasn't a very good answer.
I once dated a girl who had no pubic hair. She insists she didn't shave or wax and said she wouldn't even be able to afford the supplies on her allowance anyways.
What's the best kind of fisherman? A master baiter. Lel
People say Trump is like Hitler.. except he's not because Hitler actually had a good healthcare plan...
I am looking for a Bank which can perform two things.. give me a Loan and then leave me Alone.
Remember to always check you're grammar. I'm sorry.
If you listen in on a butt dial... Is it called tapping that ass?
Is it just me... or does Tom Brady look really deflated right now?
Never knock on Death's door... Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
What type of cameras do police officers in the USA like? Point and Shoot
I totally forgot the Super Bowl was tonight! Don't worry; so did the ~~Patriots~~ Falcons. EDIT: Well, this is awkward.
What's Tom Brady's favorite sexual activity? Deflatio
Today my brother and i tried some new water It wasn't bad just basic.
No one knows what Lady Gaga is going to do during the Super Bowl... Because you can't read her poker face.
I don't believe in conspiracy theories I think conspiracy theorists are secretly working together to brainwash us
Watching the super bowl and my wife asks me who I'm cheering for. Wife: "who are you cheering for?" Me: "the Falcons." Wife: "are those the red people?" Me: "they're called Native Americans now, you racist".
Mom am I handsome? Son:. Mom, am I handsome? Mother:. I don't know, ask your girlfriend. Son: But ,I don't have a girlfriend. Mother: Then you have your answer.
Life is like a box of chocolates.... Empty cause I am fat.
In what location are additional entry ways always in demand? Mordor
What is the largest super bowl of them all? Forty.
Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" He died shortly after.
What have an Ostrich, a Pelican, and the tax man got in common? They can all stick their bills up their arse. (Credit: Billy Connolly)
Why do some African-Americans have afros? Because it's in their hairitage
I've seen lots of things on the Super Bowl over the years, like boobs... But this year takes the cake with seeing two bushes.
My grandma just asked me, "Son, what's your retirement plan?" I said, "It's you."
Did you all hear about the sick Chemist? If they don't Helium or Curium soon they'll have to Barium
I don't like to blow my own trumpet. Which is probably why I got removed from the school orchestra.
I heard my friend making bird puns and thought... Toucan play at that game.
Did you hear about the Pepsi delivery drivers who were fired? They tested positive for coke.
What did the trilobite say to his girlfriend while they were eating? "Can I trilobite of your food?" P.S. - my eleven year old sister came up with this
I told myself I would stop drinking But I'm not about to listen to some retard who talks to himself.
I found a kind of totally tubular vegetable yesterday... It was a rad-ish
How to lose weight while still eating fast food? Buy food from England, you tend to lose a few pounds.
When A Teacher Asks You If You Did Your Homework Teacher: Did you do your homework? Student: Did you grade my test? Teacher:I have other students' tests to grade. Student: I have other teachers' homework to do.
Why was the Buddhist sad when he was asked to send his resume to the company as a word document via email? Attachment leads to suffering.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the New York Times!
How do you make a magician cry? You make his family disappear.
A turtle is walking across the yard . . . Three snails come up and mug him. Later the cops are asking questions about the mugging: "Can you describe your attackers?" The turtle responds, "I don't know, it all happened so fast . . ."
How did the deaf teacher give his deaf students their homework? He assigned it
I have evidence that the mods on r/jokes are censoring posts they dont like! More info in post! [removed]
When robots transform, they turn into cars. But what do cars turn into? Laneways.
I wish i had 2 cars. One delorean and some other car. I would usually drive with the latter, and with delorean only from time to time.
You won't believe what this group of teenage girls did! JK, that was just clique-bait
They say 1 in 10 people live next to a child sex offender Fortunately for me, I live next to two sexy 13 year olds!
Do you know what pisses redditors off? [deleted] ... and reposts
Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny was arrested? It's ok; he wasn't charged.
I want to share everything with you. Man: I want to share everything with you. Woman: Let?s start from your bank account.
Eventually, all hipsters will age and end up needing canes to help them walk... ...ironically.
Man: I'll take a rum and coke Bartender: Is pepsi ok? Man: Yeah, that'll do. Bartender: *hands him coke and pepsi*
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. DA DUM TSS.
A hat for kirk My mum wanted to knit a hat for Captain Kirk of the USS enterprise, but it is quite tricky for someone who has three ears! His left ear, his right ear and his final front-ear.
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live" Patient: "What? 10 What? Years? Weeks?!!" Doctor: "Nine"
Arjun the Indian wife-beater punches his wife every night at 7 PM On the dot.
What's the most annoying thing about an aging hipster? He fucked your mom before it was popular.
Why do trans-people go invisible when they have kids? They become trans-parent.
What time is it when you have $1.25? A quarter past four.
Some people dont like meatloaf... But if you listen to his songs, 2 out of 3 aint bad.
What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
Never trust shrimp They're full of shit
How do you pick up an elephant with one hand? You can't. Elephants don't have hands.
The chicken was acquitted of murder... ... because there was no evidence of fowl-play.
Your family tree must be a cactus. Because everyone on it is a prick.
A wife asks her husband, "what would he do if she died"? Husband: "I would go insane!" Wife: "Would you remarry?" Husband: "I don't know. You can't predict what an insane person would do."
#3335 I first heard this one from my brother when I was twelve and it's been a favorite ever since!
Why will all of the referees check their voicemail immediately after the Super Bowl? So they can hear someone say "no missed calls"
A wise Chinese monk once said, "If the dog barks... it's not cooked well enough."
Say, have you heard the joke about the pizza without the sauce? Well, it goes like- Nevermind, it's too cheesy.
What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages? Trilingual. What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages? Bilingual. What do you call someone who speaks 1 language? French.
Why do men like bacon? Because they're pigs.
What happened to Cinderella after the ball? She choked.
What is Mexico's national sport? Cross country
Why was the Energizer Bunny sent to jail? Domestic battery
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump. But its a silly comparison really, its like comparing apples to oranges.
Did you hear about the blonde who backed into an airplane propeller? Disaster.
What sound does a 747 make when it lands? Boeing! Boeing! Boeing!
As a Christian I can't Believe there are Billy Idol Cover Bands The Bible is very clear that we should not have False Idols
A blind man walks into a bar... and a table... and a chair.
What do you get when you take the i out of waiter? A ban from the restaurant
Think Recursion There are two kinds of people in the world, ones who divide the world into two kinds of people and ones who do not.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no ideer
Ever use an expensive toothbrush? It's breath-taking
The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
And God said to man, "I will put obediant women on all corners of the world," then laughed as he made the world a ball.
Help me To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I'm in public. Thanks.
Why does Trump keep marrying immigrants? Because no Americans were willing to take the job.
What do you call a Sasquatch in mud? Dirty Hairy
How will Tom Brady feel if the Patriots lose? Deflated.
A psychiatrists secretary walked into his study... And said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responded... "Tell him I can't see him."
Have a good day When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day. Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.
How do you kill a clown? Stab it repeatedly
A Very Funny beautiful girl was a college student. Once Very Funny Girl comes late to class. Teacher: Why are you late? Very Funny Girl : One boy was following me, sir. Teacher: So, What? Very Funny Girl : That boy was walking very slow.
What do you can a pile of cats? A meowtian of pussy.
My wife complained that our sex life was boring I replied with "Well honey, if the same thing every three days works for r/jokes, it should be good enough for you."
What's brown and sticky? A brown stick **slaps knee** Wakka wakka wakka!
Guys... I don't think Trump is really our president... He might just be Putin us on!
My wife and I decided not to have children... The kids are taking it pretty hard.
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre So the barman gives her one
I scared the postman today by showing up to the door completely naked i scared the postman today by showing up to the door completely naked. im not sure what scared him more, the fact that i was naked, or that i knew where he lived
To prevent date rape, there's a new drug for men called Niagra Viagra Rises, Niagra falls!
Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.
A bear walks into a bar... ... goes up to the barman and says "I'd like a gin and tonic .............. and a packet of peanuts". The barman says "Sure, but why the big pause?". The bear holds up his hands and says, "These? Hey, I was born with them".
I'm curious what my vegetarian friend will bring to the superbowl party tonight. Hopefully it's an apology.
If I could travel back in time, I would go to the Inquisition. I heard the women had nice racks.
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? Big fingers!
I don't watch the news anymore I just lie to my self and cut out the middle man.
I'm ordering a chicken and an egg from Amazon I'll let you know
Who do you call when a popcorn gets murdered? The pop coroner
Loving beer and wanting abs is hard So I had to cancel my gym membership due to conflict of interests
[NSFW] Yesterday i was caught masturbating in the shower Bet I never get allowed in to Auschwitz again.
Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again!
I saw two names carved in a tree... I do not think its cute. On the contrary, its alarming how many people take a knife on a date.
Did you hear about that new, bad pizza joint? Yay, they're getting critically panned by reviewers.
Conjunctivitis.com That?s a site for sore eyes - Tim Vine, 2012
Which college football team keeps people awake at night? The long horns
What kind of processors do slow PCs use? Potato Chips!
Did you know Matthew McConaughey is left handed? Just kidding, he's alright alright alright.
Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses the finest ingredients.
Russian dictators are the best. They?re the crËme de la Kremlin!
Hothead Pat, upset by how the Super Bowl is going, starts destroying things. Police get on the megaphone trying to evacuate the area: "Go, Pat riots!"
What is a snowflake's school grade based on? Class precipitation.
What kind of dessert makes women gain the most weight? Wedding Cake.
I just completed a puzzle in 6 months despite it saying 4 - 6 years on the box.
What did the zeros say after the election? He will not divide us
"A boy jumped through the window". What is the subject? English literature
What's the best part of a lobster pizza? The **crust**acean.
I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..." Then I said, "turn Left".
Start typing on a laptop im not used to 4vjenp/ptth
Words of wisdom I'd rather kill myself than to commit suicide.
I didn't know the Disneyland had moved to the white house ... Apparently the president is Donald and the vice is Mickey.
At what time was Justin Trudeau eaten by a monster? Ate P.M.
We need to stop animal testing our products "But shampoo and makeup companies do it" "We make dildos"
What do you call it when you are studying bacteria and someone steals your sample? Cultural appropriation.
Scientific opinions differ... on whether climate change deniers have dog or rat shit for brains.
While I was on the bus, the person standing next to me played the national anthem While I was sitting on the bus, the person standing next to me played the national anthem, I stood up and he took my seat.
the flat earth society ... ... has members all around the globe
I've tried to stop swearing but i cunt.
What do you call it when a girl wants sex and lies about being on her period Getting caught red handed
US Representatives are like the dislike button on Youtube comments They are supposed to be there to represent your dissent and anger, but never actually do.
I was sitting in a diner waiting order, when I hear, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said, "I know the entire alphabet!" We all laughed and laughed...except one guy.
You know the old saying "Liquor before beer, in the clear; beer before liquor never sicker" As it turns out liquor before liquor before liquor is worse
Why are Samoan's offended by the Samoa Girl Scout Cookie? I mean it's not like white people care about crackers being called crackers.
I love to watch my guests throw up. So I always put the dartboard on the ceiling.
Superbowl That's it, that is the joke.
Did you hear the joke about Oxygen and Potassium? It was OK
I love cats They taste ***just*** like chicken!
What does the oxygen say to the magma? I LAVA you
What do you get if you cross an insomniac with an atheist and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a file after death.
My boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Grammar Nazis no longer exist Their called the Alt-Write now
If humans were potatoes what would Donald Trump be called? A dick tater
Donald Trump might be the greatest salesman of all time. He sold bullshit to over 60 million people... and they bought it.
What does the word "gay" mean? Asked a boy to his father, to which he replied, "It means happy, son". "Are you happy the Dad?" Asked the boy "No son, I have a wife"
I love the way the world rotates It really makes my day.
My wife must have shit herself when i was born! Because she was only twelve days old
How many Aggies does it take to build a bonfire? It's like dividing by zero. It can't be done
An old couple is sitting in church The wife turns to the husband and says, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do." "Put new batteries in your hearing aids."
*A man is trying to prove his innocence in court* Defendant: "Please your honour, I don't have a single bad bone in my body" Prosecutor: "Well according to your medical exam it appears you have osteoporosis" Judge: "Guilty"
A man wakes up in hospital and exclaims, "Doctor! I... I can't feel my legs"! Doctor: "Right, that's because we had to amputate your arms".
My wife said that I don't listen... ...or it was something like that.
Why did the console gamer die in the art gallary? There was too many frames.
So i was at this bar And the bar tender yelled "Does anyone know CPR!?" I yelled back "Yeah I do, and I know the rest of the alphabet too!" Everybody in the bar laughed....Except one guy.
As a black man why don't I like cops? Beats me
Did you hear about the foreskin that accidentally walked into the Shul? [removed]
I wish I got laid as much... ... as I get screwed
What did the General say to the Sultan when they lost the battle? "Sir, we're Otto-men!"
How do you know if you have one of the rare $1million pennies in circulation? You don't.
I started teaching Maths to midgets in my area. I'm making little things count.
Three words to ruin a man's ego...? Is it in?
I have just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
Why can't noses be 12 unches long? Because then it'd be a foot!
My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess. So I gave her to a gorilla for him to throw barrels at me.
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... I'd have enough money to buy the rights for this joke.
It's Albert Einstein, not mine Few things are Infinite, The Universe, Human stupidity and the amount of times you have to tell your Mother you can't pause an online Game.
What does a man with no balls and a small penis have in common with a joke with a good punchline... They both make you laugh and you don't see them coming.
It takes many nails to build a crib... But only one to fill it
What do you call a gay couple in their 80? Slo-mo sexuals.
One day, Canada will take over the world. Then we'll all be sorry.
What is Donald Trump's most anticipated movie of the year? The Great Wall.
My dad has suggested that I register to be an organ donor.... I guess he is a man after my own heart.
I got arrested for killing a black man. They charged me with impersonating a police officer.
What is Justin Timberlake's Favorite vacation spot in the Ukraine? Crimea River
Britain is the best place for foodies. You loose pounds everytime you eat
I sat next to a smoking-hot thai woman on an aeroplane once... I thought to myself.... *"please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...."* And then she did.
Girl, you're just like breathing... All I ever think about
What do fish like to smoke? Seaweed
Two fish are swimming Two fish are swimming, One hits a wall and says dam.
My ex-girlfriend still loves it when I eat her out of house and home. Is this the usual breakup routine?
What's Trump's favorite math operation? Division.
Why is Donald Trump single? Because he doesn't want to be with some Juan.
Talk is cheap. But AM radio still can't turn a profit.
I saw two kids fighting on the play ground. As the only adult there I had to step in. They never had a chance.
What did Barrack say when he was all alone? [1/2 OC] Here I am Obama self... Like a crab in Michelle.
What did the young casserole say to his mother when she called him down for dinner? "I can't Ma, I'm stroganoff!"
Are you a dime? Because no one fucking wants you.
What do you call a fashionable Russian? Spetsnazzy.
Nerdy pickup line Hey baby, are you a compressed file format, because rar. ^^^^^now ^^^^^where ^^^^^did ^^^^^I ^^^^^put ^^^^^the ^^^^^bleach...
Three words I can't stand *three words, I can't stand
Girlfriend: Would you dump me for someone more like a trophy wife? Me: Honey, I already have someone like that! Girlfriend: Aww, you're too sweet! Me: Yeah, you should meet her!
How do you get a condom on an elephant? Take the 'Y' out of 'easy' and the 'F' out of 'Way' ....
If a feminist makes herself a sandwich.. Is she oppressing herself? Bring it on.
'Waiter,' said the customer, 'there's a hair in this honey.' 'Ah', replied the waiter, 'it must be from the comb.'
Ever since I've installed Adblocker... for some reason all the local singles lost interest in me.
Ever wonder why Jewish girls are so hot? its because the nazis put them in ovens.
What's it called when an entire store is sick? A staph (staff) infection.
Z used to be at the front of the alphabet But as we all know, a threw z.
Boss: Take this broom and go sweep the hallways! Employee: But I'm a college graduate! Boss: Great! Then I should only have to explain this just once.
I know that the placebos is supposed to help with testing pills and medicines if they actually work... But who's smart-ass idea was it to try it with Birth Control!?!?
4 years old: what do you call a cow that does not moo? 5 years old: it is called no moo cow.
New Yorkers; don't go on flight 225B tomorrow *sent from a Galaxy Note 7*
"Hello, is this the anonymous FBI tip line?" "Yes, Dave."
They say that the best thing to do is something that excites you and scares you at the same time. Time to go fuck a blender.
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she's holding a hand grenade.
What do you call a skinny tree? The Real Slim Shady
What does the NFL, NBA, and the Catholic Church have in common? They all have a cult following
A guy walked up to me and said... "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!" and I said "Relax man, you're two tents!"
After my wife gave birth I asked my doctor when we could have sex He told me as soon as he'd washed his hands
You should be as excited about church as about the Superbowl. So when your pastor makes a point this Sunday, dump gatorade all over his head.
Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Because they are dead.
I can never calculate the derivative of a curve. Every time I try, I go off on a tangent.
What do you call a dildo you can smoke weed out of? A bong dong.
Difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana Tiger Woods has a better driver
What has Donald Trump in common with Pink Floyd? The Wall.
Two surfer dudes are sitting in church One turns to the other and says, "DUDE! Did you know God has a name?" "Dude, NO WAY!!!" "Yahweh!"
I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression.. Being sad since I was born.
What is brown and sticky? Shit
The only difference between my dick and a tiny action figure Is that my dick comes without any warning.
I have a feeling Gordon Ramsay likes to wear condoms when he has sex Because he doesn't like it raw.
Ellen should give away more stuff Then rename her show Ellen the Generous.
Donald, Melania, and Ivanka are at the game They show up on the kiss cam, so Donald and Ivanka kiss
What do you get if your pour hot water down a rabbit hole? Hot-Cross bunnies! =?
My wife was writing a VD poem My wife was diligently writing something this morning. I asked her what she was writing? She relied that she was composing my Valentines Day poem. I was kinda chocked up then, she asked, "What rhymes with SCUM-BAG?"
Me: Hey dad, tell me a joke! Dad: Pussy. Me: I don't get it. Dad: I know.
Shakira Law What's the difference between Trump and "Shakira Law?" Hips don't lie.
What did the Princess do when she got to the ball? *Makes choking noise*
What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain.
Why did the dumb cat slip and fall from the roof? Because º = 0
How do you think the unthinkable? With an ithburg.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. When the bartender points it out, the pirate replies "Arrrgh, it's been driving me nuts all day."
Guess who retweeted me? Your mom.
My mom made chicken soup with rice in it... I told her, "I don't want chicken soup with Ricin!"