corrade-lsl-templates – Rev 15
?pathlinks?
One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license.''You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it.''
A man walks in to an auto store and askes the blonde cashier where the turtle wax is. the blonde says,"i'm sorry sir, but we don't sell pet supplies."
A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: "Do you know where you were going?" Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving."
Q:What is a blondes idea of safe sex??A:Lock the car doors
I know a blond so stupid I asked her to take me to the airport she looked up at the billboard it said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
Q:how can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day? A:her tampon is on her ear and she cant find her pen!
she was so blonde she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
1. The water proof towel2. Solar powered flash light3. Sumberrine screen door4. A book on how to read5. Inflatable dart board6. A dictionary index7. Ejector seat in a helicopter8. Powdered water9. Pedel powered wheel chair10. Water proof tea bags
A blonde walking by the river came across another blonde directly across from her. The first blonde waved to the other and said "hey, how do i get to the other side"? The other blonde answered "You're already on the other side".
What do u call a blonde with 1brain cell? GIFTED!What do u call a blonde with 2brain cells? PREGNANT!What do u call a blonde with 3brain cells? A GOLDEN RETRIEVER!
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?Gifted
Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Bill how he wanted his steak, she replied, "medium." Then the waiter said, "how about your vegetable?" Bill replied, "Oh, she can order for herself."
One day two blondes decided to take a trip to Disney Land. They were riding down the road and all of a sudden they came to a fork in the road and a sign said disneyland left. So they looked at eachother and said dangget and went back home.
Q: How do you get the blonde to turn on the light after sex?A: tell her to open the car doorQ:what did the blondes' left leg say to the right leg?A: Nobody knows, they've never met
Two blondes walk in to a building.You'd think one of them would have seen the building.
Whats a blondes favorite nursury rhyme?humpme dumpme
A blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who hit the ground first?The brunette, cos the blonde stopped to asked for directions!!!
Why did the blonde jumped off the bridge? Because she thought her maxi had wings!
I knew a blond so stupid that when she read the "concentrat" on the orange juice container, she did.
A good friend will bail you out of jail.A great friend will be in the cell next to you saying,"Damn, that was fun!"
If nobody is perfect, and I'm a nobody, am I perfect?
If 7-11(pharmacy) is open 24/7 then why do they have locks on their doors?
Can a teacher give a homeless man homework?
why does sour cream have an expiry date?
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn."
"Mr. johns, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Ever wonder why they use ABCDEF to define bra sizes? A-Absent B-Barely visable C-Come in useful D-Damn good E-Enormous F-Fantastic
The ten things a guy knows about a girl: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. They have breasts.
you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.""That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Q:What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?A:Nothing, They never met!
Men are like a deck of cards....You need a heart to love themA Diamond to marry themA Club to beat themAnd a spade to bury the bastards
"May I take your order?" the waiter asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
TOP TEN THINGS THAT MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
why did the 1 handed man cross the road??to get to the second hand shop
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat as he is carrying the plate. "Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "you have your hand on my steak!" "What," answers the waiter, "you want it to fall on the floor again?"
You might be a Redneck if your hunting dog fetches more beer than birds.
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain. "I have no idea... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts like that."
The little boy walks into his father's bedroom and catches him putting on a condom. He says, "What are you doing, Pop? The father stutters "I'm going to kill a mouse, son." The kid says, "What are you going to do, bang him to death?"
Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady." "Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy "But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
What does the dentist of the year get?...A little plaque.
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?A: Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge.
Whats the difference between a womans paycheck and her periods?Well...:They come once a month,They get her stressed,And if one don't come...SHES IN TROUBLE.
Q:What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?A:A quater-pounder with cheese.
What do you call a lesbian asian? minjeeta
Q: What is in between an 80-year-old woman's breastA: Her belly-button
Q. What smells fishy and ends with untA. Rex Hunt
what did the 1 tampon say to the next tampon?? see you next peirod
what's hairy on the out side and wet and slimey on the inside it begins whith an c and ends in a t?? a cocanut
Similiarity between a woman and a computer!Both can accept a 3.5 inch floppy
wife says my husband gave me a mood ring. when i am good it turns green when i am bad he has a red mark on his forehead.
"Boss, I've got to have a raise," the salesman said to his sales manager. "There are three other companies after me.""Is that a fact?" the manager asked. "What other companies are after you?""The electric company, the phone company, and the gas company."
MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"
If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?
Q: How does Michael Jackson know it's time for bed? A: When the big hand touches the little hand...
Have you heard? The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.
Q: What's the difference between Elvis and Osama Bin Laden? A: Osama is a dead man!
Q: What's the worst thing about having sex with Michael Jackson? A: When the crib breaks.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?A: He thought it was a delivery service.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa? Nothing, they both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks!
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? A: One is made of plastic and is a potential risk to children. The other carries groceries.
What do Michael and Catholic school nuns have in common? Both are a pain in the butt to kids.
Michael Jackson was announced that he is the proud father of a baby boy. He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex. The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? He looks for one in a catalogue.
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
At 8 years old....you put milk in your glassAt 18 years old....you put beer in your glassAt 80 years old.... you put your teeth in your glass
1. You so dumb you inventd a helicopter with an ejector seat.2. You so dumb you got locked in a super market and starved to death.3. You so dumb you got locked in the toilets and wet yourself.
Did you know Jennifer Lopez use toeat 2 gallons of ice cream a day?It's all BEHIND her now!
What bird represents freedom ?The EagleWhat bird represents peace ?The DoveWhat bird represents true love ?The Swallow
What surgical operation would you suggest for someone who constantly "has their head up their arse"? A lobottomy (lo-bottom-y).
A chicken and an egg check into a cheap motel room.Moments later the chicken sits up against the headboard and lights a cigarette. The egg says, "Well, that settles that."
Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked outta the toy box??? Because she sat on pinocchio's face and said "LIE TO ME! LIE TO ME!!!!"
your family is so poor that when i went 2 your house i stepped on a ciggarette butt and yo moma said "hey, who turned off the heating?"
There is a black man , and australian aborigine and a samoan in a car.Who is driving ???---- Police officer
Hey, that shirt really looks becoming on you, then again, if I were that shirt, I'd be coming too!
How do you get an epheopian in a phonebox?PUT A TIN OF BEENS IN THEREHow do you get em out?RUN PAST WITH A CAN OPENER
What do u call a Lesbian Dinosaur?A Lickalottapus
Why did the chicken lay the egg?Because everyone else was taken
Q:Why did Minie Mouse get kicked out of the sand box?A:Becase she sat on Pinochio's face and said "Lie to me Pinochio lie!"
A three legged dog is walking down the middle of the road with a shotgun in his hand. When he was asked why he had a shotgun he said "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa".
Why don't afganistan's people teach sex ed, and drivers ed, on separate days? answer: the camels can't take it all in one day.
What do the Star Ship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.
SEX IS LIKE A KFC YOU START WITH THE BREAST, WORK YOUR WAY DOWN THE THIGH AND ALL YOUR LEFT WITH IS A GREASY BOX TO PUT YOUR BONE IN
Did you hear about the fight at the seafood grill last night? (no) Well, the fish got battered!!
why was the washing machine laughing?it was taking the piss out the knickers!!
what do you do with a dog with no legs? Take him for a spin!
How do you make a kleenex dance?You put a little boogie in it.
Why are eggs so frustrated?They only get laid once, eaten once, and you have to boil them to eat them hard!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer getting hit by a car and a dog getting hit by a car?A: There's skid marks before the dog.
Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? ""No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
What do George Bush, Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein have in common? English is their second language.
Question : What does a politician and a sperm have in common? Answer : Only one out of millions will become a human being.
Two terrorists are chatting. One of them opens his wallet and flips through pictures. "you see, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too." The second terrorist says, gently,"Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
Q:What do you call something that is 12 inches long and hangs infront of an arsehole?A:Tony Blair's TIE!!
what is the difference between a mexican and a pizza?a pizza can serve a family of four
why did they inventglow in the dark condoms?so gay people can play star wars.
Yo momma is so fat when she farts she can melt the ice on Pluto.
Yo mamas so stupid she took a ruler to bed to measure how long she slept.
Your mama so fat that she's the big rolling ball on Indiana Jones
Yo mama is so dumb yeah she asked the operator for the number for 911.
Yo mamma so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air-conditioning.
Yo mamma so old she knew burger king when he was still a prince.
Yo mamma so old that her birth certificate is in roman numerals.
Yo mamma so ugly your father takes her to work with him so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
Yo mamma so ugly she tried to take a bath and the water jumped out.
Yo mamma so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo mamma so ugly when she goes bungie jumping instead of putting the chord around her ankles they put it around her neck.
Yo mamma so fat she sat on the beach and greenpeace threw her in.
Yo mamma so fat shes got more chins than a chineese phone book.
Yo mamma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun.
Yo mamma so fat that when she bungie jumps she goes straight to hell.
Yo mamma so fat she fell in love... and broke it.
Yo mamma so fat when she goes to a resturant she looks at the menu and says"okay".
Yo mamma so fat that when she wants people to shake her hand she has to give directions.
Yo mamma so fat when she was floating in the ocean Spain claimed her for their new world.
Yo mamma so fat when you get on top of her... your ears pop.
Yo mamma so dumb she sold her car for gasoline money.
Yo mamma so dumb it took her two hours to watch 60 minutes.
Yo mamma so dumb that when she put a quater in the parking meter she waited half-an-hour for the gum to come out.
Yo mamma so dumb she tried to jump out the basement window.
Yo mamma so dumb she tripped over a chored-less phone.
Yo mamma so fat she broke a branch onthe family tree.
ya mama so ugly she stuck her head out the window and got arrested for mooning
Your momma so dumb she studied for the drug test.
Your mama's so fat that when she walked by my tv....I missed 2 episodes!
Yo mama so dumb she burnt down the house using a cd burner
Yo mama so ugly she took one look at the sun and it hide behind a cloud.
Yo mama so stupid she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical
Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Yo mama so stupid she missed the 44 bus so she just took the 22 bus twice
Yo mama so stupid she heard it was chilly outside so she went and got a spoon
Yo mama so fat she tripped over 4th Ave. and landed on 12th Ave
Yo mama so fat she sits down at the resturant, opens the menu, and says "okay"!
Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo mama so fat people jog around her instead of the block, for a LONGER run!
Yo mama so fat i had to take two trains and a bus just to get on her good side.
Yo mama so fat the last time she saw 90210 it was on the bathroom scale
Yo momma so fat she got run over and said "Who threw that rock?"
Yo mama is so fat every time she turns around it's her birthday.
Yo Mama so fat, when she put on high heels, she struck oil.
your mama is so fat that when she fell of the bed she fell of both sides.
yo mama so fat with her we are 2 nations.
Yo mama's hair is so short, instead of using rollers to curl her hair she uses rice!
yo mama so fat she already been to the future.
Yo mama so fat she has to get out of the car to change gear
Yo mamma so fat I drove aroundd her and ran out of gas
Your Moma so fat she went to see a hockey game and she thought the puck was a burned hambuger.
Yo mamas so fat she makes a blue whale look like a tic tac
Yo mama is so fat that she smokes turkey.
Yo mamma's so poor when i asked her what for dinner she put her foot on the table and said corn.Yo mamma's so hairy, bigfoot took pictures of her!Yo mamma's so fat, she has every cateror on speed dial.
Yo mama so fat that she has to drink diet water
Yo mama is so ugly that she stuck her head out the window,and got arrested for disturbing the peace.
Yo mama is so dumb that she shoved the phone up her ass, and thought that she was making a booty call.
yo mama so dumb when someone told her to speak her mind she was speechless
Yo Mama So Dumb, that she put lipstick on her forehead so she could make up her mind.
Yo Mama So Hairy, when she shaves she uses a lawnmower.
Yo mama so old she saw Jurrasic Park and said that brings back memories.
Your mama is so fat,she jumped up in the sky and got stuck!
Yo mamas so fat, she has to borrow a belt from orion
Yo mama so poor that when someone rings the doorbell she has to stick her head through a crack and say dingdong.
Yo mama so fat you can hit her stomach and ride the waves!
Yo momma so ugly I threw a rock at her and the rock stopped, came back, and said to me I ain't goin near that creepy thing!
Yo mama so stupid she tried to jump out the basement window.Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car.Yo mama so fat when she stands on the curb in her yellow raincoat people yell out "TAXI".
your mama is so hairy,it lookes like she has buckwheat in a headlock
your mama is so fat,every time she turns around its her birthday
yo mama so fat she had to use a pillowcase for a sock
Yo mama so dumb it took her an hour to make minute rice !
Yo mamma so poor that when I saw her kick a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing and she said,"Moving"
Yo mama so fat she's got as many chins as a chinese phonebook.
Yo Mama so fat that she filled up the tub and then turned the water on!
Yo Mama so poor she looked at a cardboard house and said "Look, my mansion!"
Yo Mama so poor she found a penny on the ground and said "I won the lottery!"(even though she still had to take out tax)
yo mama so bald i can see what she thinkin
Your mama so fat that when she sat on a nitendo gamecube she changed it into a gameboy advance sp.
yo mama so fat she got more chins than in the chinese phone book!
ur mom is so stupid she walked into an antique store and said, whats new.
Yo mama is so ugly they moved halloween to her birthday
Your momma is so fat when a meteorite hit her she said "Whose throwing pebbles?"
Yo mama so dumb, she threw a rock at the ground and missed!
Yo mama so stupid she tryed to drown a fish
Yo mamma sooo stupid, she clibed over a glass wall to see the other side!!!
Yo Mama so old George Washington was her first boyfriend.
Yo Mama so stupid she thought Michael Jackson was a boy.
What goes up, down, left, right, and all around?Your mama!
Yo mama so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone
Yo Mama so stupid she sold her car for gas money
Your mama went to a Hotel and asked for a water bed,And they put a blanket over the ocean
yo moma is so fat she jumped in the ocean and a whale started to sing we are family.
Yo Mama is so Fat she uses two Grey Hound buses for roller blades.
Yo Mama is so Stupid she tried wakin up a Sleepin Bag.
yo mama's so stupid she went to Dr Dre for a papsmear
your mumma is so old her bible is signed by Jesus.
Your mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale it said - ouch!Your mama is so fat when she stepped on the scale it said - to be continuedYour mama is so fat when she stepped on the scale it said better luck next time
Yo Mama is so fat that when she stands on the weighing scales it comes up with her mobile phone number
Yo mama is so fat, when she walks down the street in a yellow rain suit everyone starts yelling "Taxi"
Yo mama is so fat, when she jumps in the ocean with a blue swimsuit on the whales start singing "We Are Family".
yo mamma so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.
Yo mama so fat she needs a boomerang to get her belt on
Yo mama is so stuiped, she was flicking pennies in a wishing well and someone asked "What are you doning?" So she said "I'm paying the water bill!"
Yo mama so stupid she made up her own I.Q. test and failed it three times!
Yo mama is so fat, she entered an ugly contest and they said "no perfesonals aloud!"
Yo mama's so dumb,she brung a spoon to the SUPER BOWL!!
yo momma so dumb she sits on top of the t.v and watches the couch.
yo mamma is so fat, Jesus can't lift her soul!
Your mama is so fat, she fell in love and broke it.Your house is so small, I put the key in the keyhole and I killed three people.
Yo Mama so poor..... I saw her walking down the street kicking a can, I asked her what she was doing and she said "moving".
Your mama so stupid she got hit by a parked car
Yo mama is so fat that she is on both sides of the family!
Yo Mama is so old that she still has Jesus pager number!
Yo Mama so fat that they said it was chili outside then she brought out a bowl!
Yo Mama so fat that she has to use a VCR as a pager.
Yo mama's so fat she makes shamu look like a tic-ticYo mama's so fat she went to Jenny Craig and the only thing she lost was $19.99
Ya mama so stupid, when she read on her job application not to write on botted line below she put "O.K"
Ya mama so fat when her beeber goes off, people thought she backing up!
I asked god for world peace and he said,"I can't its impossible," I asked to make ya mama good looking and he said,"dude... let me try world peace!"
Yo Mama so poor that when i walked in your house and steped on a lighted cigarette yo mama said who turned of the heater.
Yo mama is so big she has her own zip code.
Yo mama stepped on a scale and it said one at a time please.
Yo mama so fat that when god said let there be light, he asked her to move over
Yo mamma so fat that when she swims in the sea the whales start singing 'we are family'!
Yo mamma's pits are so hairy she looks like she's got Don King in a headlock!
Yo mama is so fat that when she went dooky the whole world flooded & everyone had to live on a piece of poop!!
Yo mama was so poor....that when i came to the door, she stuck her head out of the window & said "Ding-Dong"
Yo mama is so ugly..... when my dad mooned her she looked into it & thot it was her reflection, & replied "How did my hair get so curly?"
Yo Mama is so fat she had to iron her pants on the driveway.
yo mamas breath so bad when she went to the dentist to get a filling the dentist had to give himself gas!
Yo mama so fat that when she walks in high heels she strikes oil.
Yo Mama so dumb that she takes an hour to make minute rice.
YOUR MOMMA SO DUMD SHE WENT TO GO FILL OUT A JOB APPLICATION IT SAID COUNTRY __________. SHE WROTE FREE
yo mama so stupid when asked "sex" on an application she put m, f and sometimes wednesdays, too.
You need to keep your mama out of the trash she keeps getting it all over the place.
1st Officer: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?" 2nd Officer: "Who?" 1st Officer: "Janet Jackson!" 2nd Officer: "What she do, was she speeding?" 1st Officer: "Nah, she had one headlight out."
Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.
Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.
I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.
You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.
People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.
I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
Hey, act your age -- senile!
I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.
You're the best at all you do -- and all you do is make people hate you.
In the dictionary under the word, "stupid," it says, "see him."
We know you could not live without us. We'll pay for the funeral.
We do not complain about your shortcomings, but about your long sayings.
Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?
The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.
When you get run over by a car, it shouldn't be listed under accidents.
For two cents, I'd give you a piece of my mind -- and all of yours.
You are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time!
You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!
I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed; so he had you thrown out of his office.
I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes!
You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.
You started at the bottom -- and it's been downhill ever since.
You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.
I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.
I heard that you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork.
I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.
You are down to earth, but not quite far down enough.
If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.
You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along.
You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet!!
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I would like the pleasure of your company, but it only gives me displeasure.
You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to.
At your speed, you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium.
If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling -- in your skull?
At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people -- you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes.
They say that travel broadens oneself. You must have been around the world.
Look through your towels and tell us the name of the hotel you stayed at in Detroit.
You always have your ear to the ground. So how's life in the gutter?
Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to hang you.
You will never be able to live down to your reputation!
Any friend of yours -- is a friend of yours.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I'll think so.
Man alive! But I wish you weren't.
I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.
You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had only to find out that you are not popular anyway.
You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.
We know that romance brings out the beast in you -- the jackass.
I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.
There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.
All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that's the only way they could.
I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.
I hear you are a real humanitarian. You have kept three or four detectives working regularly.
I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of handcuffs.
Hello -- tall, dark and obnoxious!
You remind me of the ocean -- you make me sick.
You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe thatmany people are to blame for producing you.
Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.
I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.
They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up.
After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us.
You are so two-faced that any woman who married you would be married to a bigamist.
I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter, but now I see you are not worth it!
We hear you are a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of fright!!
We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven".
You have a good family tree, but the crop is a failure.
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
Is your name Amazon? You're so wide at the mouth.
You are a man who always sticks by his convictions. You will remain a fool no matter how much you get ridiculed for it!
A dope you are and dope will remain. Completely unlike cocaine. You add to, not diminish, pain!
We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?
Your family tree is good, but you are the sap.
We all spring from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.
It cost me five thousand dollars to look up your family history. A thousand to look it up and four thousand to hush it up.
Lets play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.
You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.
I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can't count that high.
In the next life, you'll blaze a way for us.
You are master in your own house -- the doghouse!
When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral, but I'll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.
You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.
Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?
I hear you are very kind to animals, so please give that face back to the gorilla.
Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.
Some day you will find yourself -- and wish that you hadn't.
People clap when they see you -- their hands over their eyes or ears.
Whatever is eating you -- must be suffering horribly.
What's the latest dope -- besides you?
I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a moving picture.
You don't believe in being artificial. You want people to hate you for yourself.
When people cut their fingers you cry over it just so that you can get salt in the wound.
Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.
If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I'm glad.
You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion; now she believes in infanticide.
I admire you because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief, and a cheat.
You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would.
You have a face only a mother could love -- and she hates it!
You never strike out blindly; you fail in the light.
They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
e know that you would give your life for us. Promise!
When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say it was your stupidity.
Well, I'll see you in my dreams -- if I eat too much.
Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.
I'll never forget the first time we met -- although, I'll keep trying.
You are not the worst person in the world, but until one worse comes along, you'll do.
If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn't say hello, I'd say boo!
I feel sorry for you because you are so homely, but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.
Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And your body is ugly, too.
I know one should judge a man by what he really is instead of by appearances, but you are REALLY ugly
Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?
I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?
You have an inferiority complex -- and it's fully justified.
You are not as bad as people say -- you are worse!
Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
Whom am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's your name?
Take a vacation; go to Club Dead.
Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.
You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.
You are living proof of reincarnation. No one could possibly get to be so stupid in just one lifetime.
You grow on people -- like a wart!
Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the undertaker.
People say that you are outspoken, but not by anyone that I know of.
Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!
We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
When you get to the men's room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.
The only things you ever make are mistakes and cigarette ashes.
You always manage to keep your neck above water. We can tell by the color of it.
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?
I heard you have hair on your chest, and that's not your only resemblance to Rin Tin Tin.
No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you look too much like a wreck not to be.
There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.
Sit down and give your mind a rest.
If you were a swine, you would be what you are now!
You say that you are always bright and early. Well, OK!! We know you are early.
A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.
You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.
They say no woman ever made a fool out of you. So who did?
You're very smart. You have brains you never used.
You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
Eventually, you will get what you asked for.
Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?
You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!
You have a good weapon against muggers -- your face!
You are the answer to my prayer!! I prayed to find out if things could get worse!!
If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.
Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.
Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.
I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.
You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.
People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.
I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
I've hated your looks from the stare they gave me.
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Moonlight becomes you -- total darkness even more!
Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly.
So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word]; a long time ago.
You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one.
The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.
I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!
I hope you never get a tetanus shot; maybe you'll windup with lockjaw.
I you are in your right mind, I hope you go insane!
If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?
Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?
Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get.
I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?
Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.
People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.
I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.
When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.
I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.
I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.
I'm very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible.
Q: How many Floridians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Don't know for sure, they're still counting.
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again. A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a light bulb ? A: None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the light bulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)"
Q: How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out
Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
the last thoughts, and percentages of brain capacity
One day Tarzan comes home to the treehouse and says "Jane.. give me a double Matini". Jane says "What is wrong with you -- you don't drink alcohol!" Tarzan says "It's a jungle out there!""When I'm out of red, I use blue." - Pablo Picasso
A Michigan circuit judge tells about a divorce suit he handled recently."I think you might as well give your husband a divorce," he advised the wife."What!" shouted the lady."I have lived with this bum for twenty years, and now I should make him happy?"
The world's most widely seen warning label: "Intel Inside"Windoze 95/98 Tech Support response: "It's not a bug, it's a feature."Apple: "We may not do everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to change."
Q: Why do the Spice Girls work 7 days a week?A: So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.Q: How do you get a Spice Girl's eyes to twinkle?A: Shine a torch in her ear.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?A: Pregnant.
Customer: "I'm running Windows '95."Tech Support: "Yes."Customer: "My computer isn't working now."Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."
There's a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which the judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?They're hiring.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
"My wife dresses to kill.She cooks the same way." ...Henny Youngman "My wife and I were happy for twenty years.Then we met." ...Rodney Dangerfield "I was married by a judge.I should have asked for a jury." ...George Burns
The Secret Service has added a $1M security system to the President and Hillary's new home in suburban New York. The security system includes bullet proof windows, flood lights, and an alarm that goes off whenever Hillary's on her way home.
How do you explain counterclockwise to a kid who grew up with a digital watch?
Teacher: Why are you late?Webster: Because of the sign.Teacher: What sign?Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
Q: What is the definition of eternity?A: 4 blondes, 4 cars, 4 stop signs.
;/C;/C;/C/DOS.;/C/DOS/RUN.RUN/DOS/RUN>
Warning Signs That You Need A New Lawyer:1. You met him in prison.2. His last good case was a Budweiser.3. All his law books are from Time-Life.4. He picks the jury by playing duck, duck, goose.
Q: What do you call a cat with a machine gun?A: Sir.Q: What does a snail do on a tortoise's back?A: "Vrooom... vrooom... vrooooooom..."Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Maxims For The Internet Age
A guy went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called, "How to Master Your Wife."The salesgirl said, "Our science fiction section is upstairs."
**Pick-Up Line Of the Day**Guy goes up to a girl, licks his finger, touches her on the shoulder, and then touches himself (all this while she is watching him) andsays:How about you and I get out of these wet clothes?
New Elements On The Periodic Table
Guy on phone to girlfriend: "How can you say I don't care? My records show I had a valentine faxed to your home number."
Quasimodo goes to his Parisian Cathedral doctor for his annual checkup."I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says."Why do you say that?" asks Quasimodo."I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."
A kid is asking questions about many professionals, when they urgently need to go to the rest rooms:
These are actual comments left on Forest Service comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
I had a terrible fight with my wife.I said, "You know, you're going to drive me to my grave." In two minutes she had the car in front of the house.
Signs That You've Been Out Of College Too Long
Q: What happens when you take a Packard Bell, Windows 95, a grenade and put them together?A: A typical upgrade.
Q: Hey, did you hear that OJ is starting a limo service?A: Yeah, he guarantees that he'll get you there with plenty of time to kill.Q: Did you hear about Delta Burke's tragic suicide attempt?A: She tried to harpoon herself.
Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered: "I never forget a friend. That was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!""
Q: What do you get when you cross a fly with an elephant?A: A zipper that never forgets.Q: Where does virgin wool come from?A: Ugly sheep.Q: How do you tell when a moth farts?A: It flies in a straight line.
A worried Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship."I'll say he is Daddy." responded the girl."Just last nite he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves and if you two are easy to get along with."
One day a man came home from work and he was greeted by his wife. She told that she has good news and that she had bad news. He said "Well, give me the good news first." She said "The good news is that the air bag works."
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"."Sure do," replied the bartender."Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
Teacher: Why are you late?Webster: Because of the sign.Teacher: What sign?Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
When met by a long procession of people led by a man with a dog, Joe asked the man: "Who died?""My Mother in law.""How?" Joe asked."The dog bit her.""Can I borrow the dog?""Get in line."
Q: What has four legs and an arm? A: A happy pitbull. Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?A: Lipstick!
One day Tarzan comes home to the treehouse and says "Jane.. give me a double Matini". Jane says "What is wrong with you -- you don't drink alcohol!" Tarzan says "It's a jungle out there!"
Q: Why do the Spice Girls work 7 days a week?A: So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.Q: How do you get a Spice Girl's eyes to twinkle?A: Shine a torch in her ear.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?A: Pregnant.
A worried Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship."I'll say he is Daddy." responded the girl."Just last nite he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves and if you two are easy to get along with."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand."If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
Q: What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?A: A pitbull.Did you hear about the new dog breed in pet shops? They crossed a pitbull with a collie. First it bites your leg off and then it goes for help.
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
Two politicians were carrying on a conversation in a restaurant when all of a sudden, one yelled at the other, "You're lying!".The other politician responded, "I know, but hear me out."
Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Hillary how she wanted her steak, she replied, "medium."Then the waiter said, "how about your vegetable?"Hillary replied, "Oh, he can order for himself."
Ma and Pa had an awful time getting married.Ma wouldn't marry Pa when he was drunk and Pa wouldn't marry Ma when he was sober.
Two programmers walked along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, "Too bad that girls has no standard interface.""They have," replied the other programmer, "but there is no standard way to get to it."
Q: What happens when you take a Packard Bell, Windows 95, a grenade and put them together?A: A typical upgrade.
An attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital.When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible."What are you doing?" the visitor asked.The sick lawyer replied, "Looking for loopholes."
A doctor at a major hair-loss institute in England now says the best way to avoid going bald: drink a lot of alcohol.They say drinking alcohol to excess increases hair growth.This could be true. When was the last time you saw a bald Kennedy?
the last thoughts, and percentages of brain capacity
"What's wrong with your husband?" the psychiatrist asked."He thinks he's a chicken," answered the woman."How long has he been acting like a chicken?""Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs."
Q. Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?A. They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
Two programmers walked along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, "Too bad that girls has no standard interface.""They have," replied the other programmer, "but there is no standard way to get to it."
In the US, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.
An attractive woman found herself alone in the elevator with a lawyer. "I could push this red button, and then give you the best sex of your life," she purred. He thought a minute and said, "I'm sure you could - but what's in it for me?"
Jerry Jones calls Michael Irvin in for a meeting:"Michael" he says, That was a close one & you'll have to be careful from now on.""What do you recommend boss?""From now on it's Pepsi & Nike, not COKE & NOOKIE"
A lady took her Poodle to the parlor for a haircut. When she asked what it would cost, the girl behind the counter told her "$60."The lady was outraged: "I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut!""But you don't bite, do you?" the girl replied.
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles."My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
A three-legged poodle walked into a bar in the Wild West and said "Hey, I'm lookin for the guy who shot my paw!"
Why couldn't Spock flush the toilet?Because of the Captains Log.
What is the worst thing that can happen to a leper? An epileptic fit.
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the Accountant , the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Two Welsh sheepherders are perfoming unnatural acts with two of their herd simultaneously. One turns to the other, disgustedly, and says, "I hear they're doing this to women in England!"
Did you hear about the blond girl in a coffin?She was the winner of the 1994 hide & seek contest.p.s: writen in the year 2001
A positive orgasm is when your partner screams *YES!!* A negative orgasm is when your partner screams *NO!!* A fake orgasm is when they scream *insert your name here*
A truck full of wigs has just tipped over.Police are now combing the area.
Q: Where can you find a dog with no legs?A:Right where you left it.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
What do you do when the dishwasher stops working? Slap her!
Why do men die normally die before their wives?Because they want to.
What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?Popeye kicked the sh!t out of him.
Q: How does a Blonde kill a bird?A: She throws it off a cliff!
How many blondes does it take to wash a car? Two. One to hold the sponge, and one to drive the car back and fourth.
What is the definition of ultimate frustration? Two blind lesbians trying to find each other in a fish market.
Q: What does Tiger woods have better than Princess Diana?A: A driver
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, Iknow all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A dictator.
How do you know when your wife is dead?The sex is the same but the dishes start to pile up.
Definition of sick:Walking into an orphanage and singing 'WE ARE FAMILY'
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Just before Thanksgiving, a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
What's grey, crispy and hangs from the ceiling?An amateur electrician.
A golf club walks into a local bar and asked the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refused to serve him. "Why not?" asked the golf club. "You'll be driving later," replied the bartender.
What do Monica Lewinsky and a soda pop machine have in common?? They both say "Insert Bill Here"
A grasshopper walks into a bar and walks up to the bar. The bartender says "hey, we have a drink named after you!" "Really?" asks the grasshopper, "You have a drink named Steve?"
Two sausages were in a pan.One sausage turns to the other and says, "Man, Its getting hot in here."The other sausage screams and says, "AH! A talking sausage!!"
What's green and goes camping?A boy sprout!
Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence!
An old guy goes to the doctor and gets some tests done. The doctor comes back from checking the results and says, "I have some bad news. You have cancer and you have Alzheimer's." The old man replies "Oh thank god I don't have cancer!"
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked. "No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need." "Then would you mind getting someone to assist me?" she asked.
Did you hear about the man with five dicks?-His pants fit like a glove!
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Did you hear about the blind circumciser?He got the sack.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb in the kitchen?None.... Let her cook in the dark!
A professor giving a talk to a multinational audience tells a joke about the Germans. Someone at the back of the hall jumps up and protests angrily: "I'm German!" "OK", says the speaker "I'll say it again - slowly".
"I can't go on like this!" the woman bawled at her husband. "My mother sends us money, my sister buys our kids clothes, and my aunt brings us food. I'm so ashamed." "You should be!" replied the never-do-well. "Your uncles don't give us a damn thing."
Why did the woman cross the Road?Never mind that- what I want to know is what she was doing out of the kitchen in the first place!
How do you sink a polish ship??? Put it in water
Two cows are talking in a field, the first cow says "How about that mad cow disease?" The second cow replies "I wouldnt know I'm a helicopter."
A dog walks into an employment agency and says "I'd like to get a job please.". The guy at the employment agency says "Wow, you could easily get a job at the circus with your talents." The dog replys "What would the circus want with a plumber?"
How do you get a NUN pregnant?Dress her up as a little boy!
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
In Light of recent years bringing us high profile ,celebrity involved murder cases, namely O.J. and now Robert Blake.Hertz rental car is now offering a cut rate on the Chevy BARRETTA!
Q:Why did the blond stare at the orange juice box?A:Because it said "...Concentrate..."
What do you call a blond standing inbetween two brunetts?A mental Block
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? She said, "Is it mine?"
Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence!
How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?Fertilised!
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Why couldn't the skeleton cross the road?Because he didn't have the guts.
The Great Irish Inventions:The Helicopter Ejector Seat;Windscreen Wipers for a Submarine;Inflatable Dart Board;Concrete Rescue Dingy.
An old Chinese couple is lying in bed late one night. The Old man turns to his wife and says, "I want 69!"The old women looks confused, and then asks, "Why you want beef and broccoli now?"
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
According to research 80% of the poplation can't do simple maths.Good news for us brainboxes,the other 10%.
What's the difference between a rooster and a blonde?A rooster says cock-a-doodle-do and a blonde says any-cockle-do!
Did you know that 18 out of 10 people don't understand fractions?
Have you heard about the amazing new discovery? It's a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who suffer from splitting headaches.
what do a blonde and railroad track's have in common?they both been laid all over the country
Why do blondes wear red lipstick?Because green means stop
What sex position produces the ugliest babies?Ask your mum!
How many Penecostals does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Five - one to screw in the lightbulb and four to pray against the power of darkness!
There was a really clever blonde, Tinkerbell, Santa Claus and a really clever brunette all in a competition to win a million Pounds. The question is "Which one won it?"The really clever brunette cos none of the others exist.
A woman went to a tattoo parlor. The artist was curious at her unsual request: A turkey on one leg and a ham on the other. The woman looked at the artist and said"My husband complains there is nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb??A: 2, but don't ask me how they got in there!!
A budding actor: "Dad guess what? I've got my first part in a , I play the part of a man who has been maried for 25 years." Father: "That's a good start son, just keep at it and one of these days you'll get a speaking part."
Q: What do you call a woman with half a brain? A: Gifted
Woodworm strolls into a pub and asks "Is the bar tender here"?
What do you call a hooker-chauffer service?A screwdriver.
Diner: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?Waiter: Look's like the backstroke sir!
A wife was complaining to her husband, about how less fortunate she was with her breast size. She wanted bigger boobs. Her husband simply replied: "Rub some toliet paper on your chest, it worked with your butt"
son:daddy daddy why are we pushing the car over a cliff? Dad:shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!You'll wake grandma.
Q: What do you call a white guy surounded by indians?A: A bartender.
Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowupBackup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (S)oil pantsBackup not found: A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?Backup not found: A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
"You're hitting the woods well today, pitty you can't stay out of them!"
Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?Because men refuse to ask for directions!
According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students.
Walking his blonde date to the front door, Keith said to her, "Will I see you pretty soon?""What's the matter," she asked, hurt. "Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise, took his shotgun downstairs, and pointed the gun at the burglar. He then said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot. "
After examining his patient, he informed Mr. Jones, "I'm afraid you only have two months left to live. Do you have any requests?""Yes, I'd like a second opinion. ""Fine. I also think you're ugly as sin. "
"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you. "Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take two. "
Flight attendant: I'm sorry to inform you, Mr. Jones, but we accidentaly left your wife back in Chicago. Man: Thank goodness!I thought I was going deaf!
One day, the owner of a very large daily newspaper company walked down the halls and greated one of his workers, "Jones, how long have you been working here?"Jones replied, "Ever since I heard you coming down the hall. "
"I caught a 250-pound marlin the other day!""That's nothing. I was fishing the other day and hooked a lamp from an old Spanish ship. In fact, the light was still lit!""If you bow out the light, I'll take 200 pounds off the marlin. "
My arm started to hurt me so I asked a doctor to examine it. She looked at my arm and brought out a medical book and studies it for about 10 minutes. Then she said to me, "Have you ever had that pain before?"I nodded yes. "Well, you've got it again. "
Girl: Did you kiss me when the lights were out?Boy: NoÖGirl: It must have been that other boy in the corner. Boy, starting to get up: I'll teach him a thing or two!Girl: You couldn't teach him a thing!
A teacher came home and slumped in his favorite chair with a dicouraged look. His wife asked hime what was wrong. "You know those aptitude tests we're giving at the school?Well, I took one today for fun. It's a good thing I'm the teacher. "
Newsboy: Extra, extra!Read all about it-two men swindled. Man:Give me one. Say, there isn't anything about two men being swindled. Newsoy: Extra, extra!Three men swindled.
Wife: When we were younger you used to nibble on my ear. (The husband starts leaving the room. )Wife: Where are you going?Husband: To get my teeth!"
Joe: When I would wear my hand-me-downs to school, all of the boys would make fun of me. Moe: What did you do?Joe: I hit them over the head with my purse.
A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client with a note that said, "This bill is one year old. "By return mail, the lawyer received the bill back with a note attached to it, saying: "Happy Birthday. "
"Hey Sam!" exclaimed Jim, meeting a buddy for the first time since the war's end. "Did you marry that girl you were dating a while back or are you still doing your own cooking and ironing?""Yes," replied Sam.
Pilot: Pilot to tower. . . pilot to tower. . . I am 300 miles from land. . . 600 feet high and running out of gas. . . please instruct. . . over. Tower: Tower to pilot. . . tower to pilot. . . Repeat after me. . . "Our Father, which art in heaven. . . "
Court scene:1st Lawyer: You're a fool2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool.Judge: As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case?
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body that is required on it.
Paddy comes home from the pub one night to find his wife in bed with another man. He goes to a drawer and gets a gun. He holds the gun to his head and his wife starts to laugh. Paddy says "Idon't know what you're laughing at- you're next!"
End Of The WorldWhen the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?About .....35 pounds
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
Q: Why is it good that there are female astronauts? A: Because if the crew gets lost, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
Q: How do you drown a blonde?A: You put a scratch 'n sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool.
If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
A moron walks into a bar with a pile of dog crap in his hands and says, "Hey guys, look what I almost stepped in."
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
You might be a Redneck if you see a sign that says, "Say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
What do a blonde and a turtle have in common?When they get flipped on their back, they're screwed!
Did you hear about the accident at the army base? A jeep ran over a box of popcorn & killed 2 colonels
Two guys walk into a bar: "Ouch! Oof!"
Q: Why did Bill Clinton quit playing the saxophone? A: Because he decided to play the hormonica
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
WARNINGS that should appear on alcohol bottles and over bars
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
Q. What's long and green and smells like pork?A. Kermit the frog's finger.
What do you call a blonde at a University?A visitor.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
Q: How was copper wire invented?A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.