corrade-lsl-templates – Rev 15
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Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he's "chicken".
What is the difference between a chicken? Neither can ride a bicycle.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it had no frontal lobe.
A heavy-set woman goes into a drug store and asks for talcum powder. The bowlegged clerk says, "Walk this way," and the woman answers, "If I could walk that way I would not need talcum powder!"
How does boodler reproduce? By Fucking Battery's fat-Shit-and-cum filled ass
Battery Fucked Boodler's ass hard and soft yesterday! Maybe zat explains z growth in z population recently!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
boodler---> kind of sounds like Boob blur! and zats why battery fucks boobler 69 times a day.
When I saw that item, I said to my wife, "I don't think spaghetti grows on trees", so we'd looked it up in Encyclopædia Britannica. Do you know, Miall, Encyclopædia Britannica doesn't even mention spaghetti.
In America, you can always find a party. In Russia, the Party finds you. In America, you listen to man on radio. In Soviet Russia, man on radio listen to you. In America, you watch television. In Soviet Russia, television watches you.
A man was reported to have said: "Nikolay is a moron!" and was arrested by the policeman. "No, sir, I meant not our respected Emperor, but another Nikolay!" - "Don't try to trick me: if you say "moron", you obviously refer to our tsar".
You've probably heard: If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards. New Version: If at first you get hit below the belt, lower your belt!
A respected merchant Sevenassov wants to change his surname and asks the Tsar for permission. The Emperor writes his resolution: "Allowed to deduct two asses down".
Lenin died, but his cause lives on!
Rabinovich notes: "I would prefer it the other way round."
What a coincidence: "Brezhnev died, but his body lives on."
The winter's passed, The summer's here. For this we thank Our party dear!
One old bolshevik says to another: "No my friend, we will not live long enough to see communism, but our children... poor children."
Will there be KGB in communism? As you know, in communism, the state will be abolished, together with its means of suppression. People will know how to arrest themselves.
-How do you deal with mice in the Kremlin? -Put up a sign saying "collective farm". Then half the mice will starve and the others will run away.
Abramovich was sentenced to 5 years, served 10, then fortunately was paroled before he served the rest of his sentence.
"Comrade Brezhnev, is it true that you collect political jokes?" — "Yes" — "And how many have you collected so far?" — "Three and a half labor camps."
Is it true that the Soviet Union is the most progressive country in the world? Of course! The life was already better yesterday than it's going to be tomorrow!
Why was Khrushchev deseated? Because of the Seven "C"s: Cult of personality, Communism, China, Cuban Crisis, Corn, and Cuzka's mother.
"Leonid Ilyich is in surgery." / "Heart again?" / "No, chest expansion surgery: to fit one more Gold Star medal."
"Leonid Ilyich!..." / "Come on, no formalities among comrades. Just call me 'Ilyich' ".
The phone rings, Brezhnev picks up the phone: "Hello, this is dear Leonid Ilyich...".
"Have you heard it? Brezhnev died!" / "What happened, heart attack?" / "No, short-circuit of eyebrows."
"What is the main difference of succession under tsarist regime and under socialism?" "Under tsarist regime the power transferred from father to a son, and under socialism - from one grandfather to another."
Today, due to bad health and without regaining consciousness Konstantin Ustinovich Chernenko took up the duties of Secretary General.
Q: What is more useful — newspapers or television? A: Newspapers, of course. You cannot wrap herring in a TV.
Five precepts of the Soviet intelligentsia (intellectuals): Do not think. If you think — do not speak. If you think and speak — do not write. If you think, speak and write — do not sign. If you think, speak, write and sign — don't be surprised.
"My wife has been going to cooking school for three years." / "She must really cook well by now!" / "No, they've only reached the part about the Twentieth CPSU Congress so far."
A man walks into a shop and says, "I see you don't have any fish", and the shop assistant replies, "You got it wrong - ours is a butcher: we don't have any meat. They don't have any fish in the fish shop that is across the road!"
"Dad, can I have the car keys?" "Ok, but don't lose them. We will get the car in just seven years!"
―Have you heard, Putin ordered the government to arrest the inflation. ―Well, not exactly, he ordered to have it arrested...and jailed.
And the beast shall come forth surrounded by a roiling cloud of vengeance. The house of the unbelievers shall be razed and they shall be scorched to the earth. Their tags shall blink until the end of days.
And the beast shall be made legion. Its numbers shall be increased a thousand thousand fold. The din of a million keyboards like unto a great storm shall cover the earth, and the followers of Mammon shall tremble.
An Irishman, a Scotsman, and an American walk into a bar. The beginning of a cheesy joke? You betcha.
As of 11-23-09, my score was 1337. How the hell that happened beats me. I thought I was a crappy joke writer. This is boring isn't it? Thought so. At least it's not a dupe. Or is it... Nope, it's not. Boring as hell, right? Thought so.
How dod the person take over the remote?
How did the person take over the remote? He asked for remote CONTROLS!
Have you ever had those days when your computer fucking sucks? Now you have a poem to say! I'm gonna get some Coke and a snack, This should be FUCKING WORKING by the time I get back.
God said "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said "Say please."
A Pokemon Trainer walks into a STD help center. The nurse there says "Sorry, but it looks like you've caught 'em all"
Doctor, Doctor! I have a virus that makes my left hand constantly butter toast. How can I stop it spreading?
Knock-Knock...Who's there?....The Gestapo...The Gestapo, who?.....VEE VILL BE ASKING ZE QUESTIONS HERE!!
Two hillbillies just come out of a divorce court. The ex-wife is crying her eyes out. Her ex-husband comes over and says: "There, there Missy, you're still my sister!"
Your mum's so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Your mum's so fat, she jumped for joy and got stuck.
When was the price of milk the highest? When the cow jumped over the moon.
What is red, black, has ten eyes, and crawls? I do not know but it is on your head.
Yo mama is SO fat that the amount of food she eats for dinner could feed ALL the Ethiopeans for a year!
Yo mama is so dumb each time she hears Obama's name on tv she throws her hands in the air + ducks for cover Yelling OH BOMB A WHERE?!?!?!
why did hitler kill himself? because he saw his gas bill
they says theres safety in numbers? tell that to six million jews!
Knock-knock Who's there? Someone Someone who? Someone who cuts of during mid sen . . .
A black man and a Jew jump off a building; who wins? Society.
why are black people getting stronger? tv's are getting bigger
How many country singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1 to screw it in, and 3 to write a song about it.
What did the farmer say when his truck disappeared? Where's my truck?
Yo Momma' so fat, she gets winded going up the escalator!
It was really hot last summer. In fact, it was so hot I saw a republican with his head out of his ass.
Man- "Jesus Christ! I can't open this hard drive." Jesus- "Use the torx, Luke."
Whats the difference between a black man and a farm tractor? Nothing! The tractor is just an upgrade!
My doctor says I have insomnia, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.
What is the difference between Jam and Marmalade? You can't marmalade your dick up a 2 year olds ass.
Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador dog. "Oh, I wouldn't if I were you!", says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
Teacher: So class, in the medieval times, the Puritan's ears were cut off if they didn't attend Catholic services. Student: I bet they didn't like the sound of that!
What do you do when you see a Mexican riding a bike? Throw a stone at him, it's your bike!
Why do blondes have litlle holes in their faces? From eating with forks!
This site is dead. There has been an all-time low in traffic. No one posts anymore. The end of the site is a tragic one, and I will miss the site. Wocka has fallen from its high branch. Submit your hate towards, but you know it's true.
One fine day.... you're just walking by.... You look at this bird.... it shits in your eye.... You don't swear.... you don't cry.... You just thank God.... that cows don't fly....
Oedipus was a real motherfucker.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the chicken and the road can't agree on anything.
Did you hear the one about when the Great Recession began? The President appointed a cat to chair the Federal Reserve. Do you know why? Because when a cat falls, it always lands on its feet.
Knock knock. Who's there? Granny. Granny who? Knock knock. Who's there? Granny. Granny who? Knock knock. Who's there? Granny. Granny who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunt. Aunt who? Aren't you glad you got rid of all those grannies?
Why did the Japanese steal the Diaoyu Islands? Because they don't have enough room for their funny farms!
A man was having a serious surgical operation. When he woke up, he asked his doctor, "Did it go well?" "It went perfectly." "Then why do I have this headache?" "Oh, that. Halfway through the operation, we ran out of anesthetic."
What's the Swedish word for divorce and swearing? Ikea.
Since workaholics are people addicted to work and chocaholics are people addicted to chocolate, are catholics people addicted to cats?
I had a great memory once, but I don't know where I left it. You haven't seen it lying around anywhere have you? No? No what?
If you copy from your textbooks, it's making good use of what you've learnt. If you copy from anywhere else, it's plagiarism.
What's the difference between a water bottle and puberty? The water bottle hit Justin Bieber first.
knock knock! whose there? yer mom oh come in!
Yo momma's so ugly the bank had to turn its security cameras off when she came in.
3 year old kid: "Guess what? Daddy got you a pway-station!" 7 year old kid: "Really??!! Where is it?" 3 year old: "It's in p-one mile!"
Teenager: Dad, did you hear that Jake broke up with Taylor? Dad: Oh no, another album.
Ivan Vakinov Kotcha Vakinov Isenya Vakinov
Our new greengrocery is now starting! We feature lead-free gasoline, phosphorus-free washing powder, fluorine-free refrigerator, ..., and iodine-free salt.
It's so easy, it makes pie look hard.
Yo momma's like Geico: so easy a caveman could do it.
Your mother used to go fishing in the Pacific ocean, but now she goes fission there.
Yo Mamma soo fat she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washington's nose
Have you heard the joke about the blind gynecologist? She could "read lips."
This is what happen to a boy and his father: Son: dad i want to marry. Father: who do you want to marry? Son: your mother. Father: why do you want to marry my mother? Son: because you also marry my mother. :)
Lady on telephone: "Hello sir, I want to meet & talk to you. You are the father of one of my kids." Guy (stunned!): Are you Sandra? No. Jenny? No. Amy? No. Betty? No. Lady (in confusion): "No sir, I'm your son's class teacher."
I used facebook for a few days and got addicted to it. I've been studying since I was 6. Why the hell am I not addicted to it?
Husband messages his wife on his cellphone: Hi, wat R U doing honey? Wife replies: I'm dying Husband is delighted and jumps with joy, but texts: OMG! How am I gonna live without u? Wife replies: u idiot. I'm dying my hair Husband: *@&!#*/ English
Cop to boy: Which of the two fighting in the street is your father? Boy: I don't know. That's what they're fighting about!
Is anybody STILL ALIVE ON WOCKA?????? I KNOW THIS ISNT A JOKE BUT THIS WAY THE ONLY WAY TO GET YOUR ATTENTION! HELLOOOO.... WAS THAT AN ECHO ECHO ECHO?
What's grosser than gross? A pile of dead babies in a trash can. What's grosser than that? The one at the bottom is still alive. What's grosser than that? He has to eat his way to freedom. What's grosser than that? He goes back for more.
Yo momma was so fat, I was surprised that she could even jump!
yo mama is so fat when she jumped she fell through the ground!
yo mamma is so fat it takes 1111111111111111111111111999999999thousand belts to fit her waist
yo-mamma is so fat shes fat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The other day, I bought a packet of air. I was surprised to find a few potato chips inside it. -Dedicated to Lays
The only person in our town who can afford to go on a jaguar is a zoo-keeper.
A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you." The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?" The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."
Honest to God true story. Wife (yelling from upstairs): Honey, I'm naked and the dog is loose in the front yard! Husband (downstairs): Hold on, I'll be right up! She didn't appreciate the humor.
WIKIPEDIA: I know everything. GOOGLE: I have everything. FACEBOOK: I know everybody. INTERNET : You're all nothing without me. ELECTRICITY: Keep talking, bitches!
Q: Why did the witch buy a computer? A: She needed the spellcheck
Yo moma so fat and retarded that she thinks shes skinny.
A Windows customer said when he closes his windows, they disappear.
Yo Mama is so FAT that when she turned around,it was her birhtday!
A blond was seen walking in a local mall wearing nothing but shoes, a shirt and nothing else.' When security stopped her and asked her what she thought she was doing, She replied, "I saw a sign that said take half off and save money."
Teacher: The reason why we see lightening before we hear thunder is because light travels faster than sound. Blonde student: How do you explain a CLAPPER?
How do you kill a dumb blonde? Put something shiny on the bottom of a pool.
What s green and hangs from a tree??? Giraffe Boogers
The armies of the opposition have neared Washington, Paris and London. The governments of US, France and London did nothing about it. 'Sorry! We need to bomb (long list of African and Middle East countries) first.'
On the eve of the First Boer War, thousands of blondes lined the streets campaigning for animal rights. 'If it's illegal for human women, it's gotta be the same for swine,' said one activist.
Here is a fragment of a crossword puzzle. Note that this crossword puzzle contains abbreviations and acronyms. S O _ Clue: An insult related to a female animal. Answer: Sow.
Here is a fragment of a crossword puzzle. P _ O _ _ _ Clue: Something that is often brown and hard to clean. Answer: Poodle.
A lawyer is talking to a *fellow* politician. 'I'm going to Switzerland next month,' said the honest politician. 'Oh really?' asked the lawyer. 'Which bank?'
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? - Bison!
If Bob the Butcher is 5'11'' what does he weigh? -Meat
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation.
A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F
An actual sign outside a house: The dog is okay. Beware of the owner
Doctor: What is it that brought you here? Patient: An ambulance. Why?
33% of men use their left hand to pee. 67% of men use their right hand. 89% wanted to know why I'm watching them pee.
When you look up Yahoo! Answers on Yahoo! search, it tells you it's deleted according to community guidelines. When you look it up on Google Search, it's restored according to Google Cache's workings.
My dog Minton has eaten my shuttle cock. Bad Minton!
The European union has decided the only way to avoid Greece defaulting on its debts is to replace the government and civil service with 300 Spartans !
Dreams are like underpants. You've got 'em, but you can't prove you do by showing it to everyone.
My wife and I were at an outdoor shopping mall, and I came across what I thought was a 'life-sized' chess board. So I began playing chess solo. Ten moves in, my wife comes by and says, "Honey, that's a crèche!"
What is the world's sharpest thing? A fart! It goes through your pants without leaving a hole!
What is striped and lays eggs? A chicken in jail!
Child: Mum, can I wear those really nice jeans with the hole in the knee to church? Mother: No honey, you can't wear holy jeans to church!
Teacher: Johnny, where is your homework? Johnny: Its on Facebook. I've uploaded a copy and tagged you. Please login and verify it later.
Hey, I saw you in Dunkin' donuts yesterday!! You're the one ordering triple chocolate, double vanilla, quadrupal cinnamon and double whip cream dounut filled with sprinkles.
I think my smartphone is broken. I keep pressing the Home button, but I'm still working.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button
Every time I hear the dirty word "Exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Today's school kids are spending less time at recess than their predecessors. Experts say if the trends continues, future Congressmen may not have enough experience goofing off.
A man was solving a crossword. For a four-letter word there was a clue: Look at the picture ! The man entered: I see .
- How many blonds do you need to change a lightbulb ? - Hundred. One holds the lightbulb and the other ninety nine rotates the house.
- What does a blond say to a two headed monster ? - Hello ! Hello !
- How to make a blond busy ? - Put her in a circle room and tell her to find a corner.
- How to keep a blonde busy? - Tie up both sides of a rope together. Give the tied rope to the blonde and tell her to find the end.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? 100 people who don't do dick.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
Yo mama's so fat that when she took her first step everyone thought there was an earthquake.
Yo Mamma so ugly when she looked at a baby, the baby turned to stone.
How many blondes does it take to put in a light bulb? 1000. 1 to screw in the light bulb; 1 to give the light bulb to the person who'll screw in a light bulb and 998 to find the light bulb.
How do you keep a blonde busy? Write with a sharpie and tell her to erase it.
How can you tell if someone is a true blonde? They clean their hair with air conditioner.
Do you know the Chinese nickname for the Dutch politician Geert Wilders? Answer: Dum Thing!
My girl told me she was trying to lose weight, so I said, "Do whatever makes you happy inside. Just keep in mind that your weight's just a number. There's no number in the world to measure how beautiful you are . . . unless you include negative numbers."
Yo momma so old she met a T Rex in pre-school.
Have you heard about the sauna that serves food? Their specialty is steamed mussels.
god told moses to come forth but he tripped on a banana peel and came fifth
Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door.
Yo mamma is so fat she walked into the GAP and filled it.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Sixteen. One to screw it in and fifteen to form a support group.
What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa only has three Ho's.
I saw on the news a little boy being carried up to the sky. I got scared cause I thought Michael Jackson was ordering take-out from Heaven.
Santa Claus, a Boy Scout, and a smart blonde jump out of a plane. Who lands first? The Boy Scout, because the other two don't exist.
How many Dominicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Dominican one to hold the bulb and Dominican two to turn Dominican one
Teacher: Billy, tell me the periodic for water. Billy:Okay. H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O. Teacher: What makes you say that? Billy: You said it was H to O.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur, a tiger, a crocodile, a spider, and a elephant? I don't know but you better get out of it's way!
What happens to you if you can not read? Well, since you'll probably be staying in Kindergarten, less homework!
Ever since Rhianna got dumped by her boyfriend, she put all the stuff that was his or made her remember him she put : " to the left to the left... in the box on the left..."
Basketball hoops are like misdemeanor. The more I miss it da meanor I get.
Why did the 12 watt lightbulb drop out of school? It wasn't very bright.
Register lots of accounts, with each account voting for it as least comedy. If its average comedy drops below 0.5, it will be automatically deleted.
What is it called when your pet snake doesn't feel right? -reptile dysfunction.
what's the difference between here and there? The letter T! :) (Take away the T in there and you've got here!)
A gay pornstar doesn't take as many balls to the face as my 4 year old son playing soccer.
One day I was standing in the park wondering how frisbees get bigger when they get closer. Then it hit me.
Mary had a little lamb, fries and a coke.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the butcher
Mik: "Do skunks have a good sense of smell?" Mak: "No! If they did, they'd jump off a cliff!"
A waiter on a ship said to a boarding lion "sir, do you want anything of the chef's special?" The lion said "nah..I'll look at the passenger list,though!"
Why didn't Megan Fox run from the man-eating lion? Because she was a woman. *Told to me by a 7-year-old*
Mik:Darn it! There's only 2 chips in my bowl.Damn you,chips! Mak: Aargh! you made me so angry I am gonna punch them! Mak punches the chips. Mik: WHOAH! you made 2 big chips into 20 small ones! Mak: I AM JESUS OF THE DORITOS!!
Music student: We played the beatles last night! Gym student:who won?
The other day, I heard that a good friend of mine was outside during a thunderstorm and got struck by lightning. I was a bit shocked, but not as much as he was.
I don't know much about prison, but it sounds like a pain in the ass.
Yo momma so old she rode a limosarus to her wedding!
"Mom! Deaf kids at school are making fun of me." "What did they say?"
Why was the diver angry at the diving board? Because it flipped him off.
So I asked a religious truck driver what his CB handle is. His answer: "My handle's 'Messiah'." (Get it? Sounds like "Handel's Messiah.")
The word 'function' should never function as a verb.
Mik and mak are having a pillow fight. Mak whacks mik hard. Mik yells "are you jamaican because ja maican me crazy!"
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Why wasn't Jesus born in Japan? He couldn't find three wise men or a virgin there.
Why did the computer get sick? He left his windows open
My Dad is great at raising kids, if he can remember which are his.
All women are emotional drag queens, and i married their queen
Yo mommas so fat that when she got on the electric scales, it read one at a time please.
What do you call a blind German? A not see!
Two guys are eating a hamburger at a fast food place. 1st Guy- Does your hamburger taste funny? 2nd Guy- No just yours. Mine doesn't have a sense of humor.
One woman to another woman Woman- Those firemen are hot. Other Woman- Yeah they are nice looking. Woman- No. I mean they just came out of that burning building. They're hot.
What did the dog say to the driver who was driving behind him? Get off my tail!
Man says to his girlfriend You're the only woman on this planet I won't. Oh by the way, I'm taken a trip to Mars next week.
What is a 4 letter sport that starts with a T? Golf. (Golf starts with a tee!)
Do you know what the secret of an islamic marriage is? The man get's to see a striptease every night!
Hey! Football team! Get off the band field!
Band Class is the only class where you can blow it.
The blond asked for peanuts on the plane, but she once she got them, she gave them back to the stewardess and asks her to check if there really are peanuts in the bag. The stewardess asks why, to which the blond responds: "The bag says 'May Contain Nuts'"