corrade-lsl-templates – Rev 15
?pathlinks?
Teacher: Jimmy, use the word "handsome" in a sentence. Jimmy: Handsome gum over will ya? Teacher: No, no, that's not right. You have one more chance. Use the word "gladiator" in a sentence. Jimmy: A monster ate my sister and I'm gladiator.
I Hate you you hate me barney gave *****(1) H.I.V so we kicked them in the balls and shot her in the head now that *****(2) bitch is dead anii stars ***** men add someones nae or add an adjective to fit i.e - *****(1)fred *****(2)ugly
I believe in making the world safe for our children. But not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
Q: Why do Hondas and Hyundais have standard rear-window defoggers? A: So your hands don't get cold when you're pushing them. Q: What is the difference between a Porsche and a Porcupine? A: With a Porsche, the pricks are on the inside.
Q: What do you call people who use condoms? A: Parents.
Fuck hubluza!
A Wocka user has average joke comedy 2.5, but he doesn't get the smiley. Why can it happen? Because his average joke comedy is between 2.495 and 2.5, which is rounded up to 2.5.
"Yo Momma is so fat that when she entered the elevator and pressed the 'up' button, the elevator went down!" "Oh yeah? Yo Momma is so fat that she can't even fit in the elevator!!"
Knock-knock Who's there? Giraffe Giraffe who? Giraffaggot!
A little girl was sat in science, when she wet herself. She goes to her teacher and says "I've wet myself". The teacher asks "Why didn't you put your hand up?" She replies "I did, but it just ran down my hand!"
Yo Momma is so smelly that when she entered a pig sty, all the pigs had to evacuate...
You might be a redneck if... The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle.
You might be a redneck if... You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can't remember how old your children are.
You might be a redneck if... You are having marital problems because your wife never lets you win at arm wrestling.
...you have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
...you carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
...a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You might be a redneck if... You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.
... you have an above-ground pool and you fish in it.
...you've ever had to have a wrecker pull your car out of a pothole in your driveway.
...you think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
...your screen door has no screen.
...you cut the grass and find a Car.
...if you refer to the fifth grade as, "your senior year".
You might be a redneck if... You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
You might be a redneck if... You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
You might be a redneck if... Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
You might be a redneck if... You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.
You might be a redneck if... The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.
You might be a redneck if... You're 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party.
You might be a redneck if... You can talk for more than 20 minutes on the difference between squirrel and rabbit stew.
My grandfather invented the rear-view mirror. Made millions - hasn't looked back since!
If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL. If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT. If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL. If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE.
Some useless inventions: 1) A waterproof teabag 2) A swimsuit store in the North Pole 3) Sugar free, fat free, taste free chocolate 4) A parachute that opens on impact 5) An ejector seat in a helicopter
Yo momma is like the internet; she's worldwide.
Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet. "Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?" Johnny says, "Yeah!"
The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long-awaited death. "Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died."
News just in - the drummer tripped over the cymbals, and hit his head. The hospital spokesperson said, "He'll be all right in a couple of days; he's just suffering from percussion."
One night a couple was in their room and the woman had just performed amazing oral on her man. He asked her where she had learned how to do it like that. She than said to him, "It took some practice but your dad finally taught me how to do it right."
Person A: Why did the chicken cross the road? Person B: Is this a trick question?
Sign outside a watch-maker's shop; Watch batteries fitted.
Sign outside a Chinese restaurant: Try our curries, you'll never get better.
I found this attached to a halloween scythe: BE SURE HEAD IS ATTACHED BEFORE USE.
What's green and runs round the garden? The hedge!
"I'm very sorry sir, but I don't have my homework with me- I left my bag on the bus." "Well done! A+"
Yo Momma so fat you can slap her ass all day and not slap the same place twice!.
Who was the most complaining woman in the bible? Mary, because she got on Joseph's ass and rode it all the way to Bethlehem.
What do call a crying alien baby? An Unidentifyed Crying Object!
What part of music is the part you'd better not try to sing? Refrain!
What is a musician with real high morals? Virtuoso.
Who composed the Unfinished Symphony? Sherbet.
What was the principal singer of nineteenth century opera called? Pre-Madonna!
Fill in the blank: The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing _________. Yesterday.
Can you decipher this phrase? U P Broken up!
Can you decipher this phrase? Weather Cast Cast Cast Cast Weather forecast!
What does this represent? W A T E R Waterfall!
Can you decipher this phrase? A R M S Open arms!
Les chères léchèrent les chairs.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Why do you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife/girlfriend told you to do it?
And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
"Hey Sean, I've got a job lined up for you, can you turn up tomorrow, about tenish?" "Tennish? I don't even have a racket"
What's the difference between man and life? Life is always hard.
Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. Well, bring me the winner then.
Waiter, this plate is wet. That's your soup, sir.
Look here, waiter! How long must I wait for that half-duck I ordered? Until somebody orders the other half. We can't go out and kill half a duck.
Customer: I see you have gravy on your menu today. Waiter: Yes, sir. What would you like to have? Customer: A clean menu!
Mother: Did you eat all the cookies. Tom? Tom: I didn't touch one. Mother: That's strange. There's only one left. Tom: That's the one I didn't touch.
Wife: One more word, and I will go back to my mother! Husband: Taxi!
What does this represent? WRIST WRIST Tourists! (two wrists)
Can you decipher this phrase? DOG THE The underdog!
Can you decipher this phrase? SMOKE G Go up in smoke!
Can You Decipher This Phrase? H I L L Downhill!
Can you decipher this phrase? TTTTTTTTTT Tent.
Can you decipher this phrase? LINE = End of the Line!
Yo mama so short that you can see her feet on the driver license. Yo mama so ugly that when she was born the doctor slap her parents. Yo mama so dumb that she sat on the tv and watches her wheelchair.
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost my finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like this...Damn! There goes another one!"
yo mama so hairy and fat, that when she went to a museum they yelled "the mammoth's alive!"
yo mama and daddy r so fat, half the world went to ur mom, the other to ur dad.
wat do u call a female dog?
did u have a pussy around ur head?
I would like to take this opportunity to announce that I am the proud father of an 8 pound 7 ounce baby boy. Boy, is my wife gonna be mad when she finds out!
Seen on a bumper sticker: "IF CLINTON IS THE ANSWER, THEN IT MUST BE A STUPID QUESTION." Seen on another bumper sticker: "CLINTON HAPPENS."
If a couple in Arkansas get married, move to Washington, then move back to Arkansas, are they still brother and sister?
Racing through the snow a onewarde southern sleigh, all the way we go bahing through the trees, the snow is turning red, I think i'm almost dead, all the children laugh and play around my stupid head!
Velcro - what a rip-off!
Dogs crawl under fences...Software crawls under Windows95.
Scanning for viruses...Windows95 found...Please delete.
Double your drive space...Delete Windows95.
Friends don't let friends use Windows95.
If at first you don't succeed...work for Microsoft.
Turn your Pentium into a gameboy...Type "WIN" at the prompt.
Windows95...the best $159 Solitaire game you can buy.
Activate your own virus... type "WIN" at the prompt.
The best way to accelerate Windows is through one.
The minister's car wouldn't start, so he called the garage. When the tow truck driver arrived, the minister says, "I hope you go easy on me. You know I'm only a poor preacher." "Yep," replied the tow truck driver, "I've heard you preach."
Yo' momma so fat that you gotta be Clifford the Big Red Dog to hit it doggystyle!
Yo momma is rated 'E' for everyone.
What is a pirate's favorite food? Taco Bell's cARRne asada.
What did the chicken say to the bully? Why don't you peck on someone your own size?
According to the Institute of Incomplete Research, 7 out of 10 people are
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers. When we get married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from?
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
The Christian missionary was making his first visit to a tribe in Borneo. The missionary asked the chief, "Do you people know anything about religion?" After a pause, the chief answered, "We got a little taste of it when the last missionary was here."
What's invisible and very frightened? A ghost with the sheet scared out of him.
You are young and beautiful, have 2 university degrees, and are fluent in 3 languages. You have long blonde hair, long legs and a killer smile and you want to earn a salary no less than 100 000$ per year. That's nice. But we need a plumber.
How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb? 1. No, 2, no, 4, no, 8, no, 16, 32, 64, 128 . . .
How many movie stars does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he takes one step up the ladder and then his stunt double takes over!
BLONDE #1: I found some jokes about us blondes online. They're inaccurate! They make us look- BLONDE #2:Ugly? BLONDE #3:Fat? BLONDE #4:Lazy? BLONDE #5:Mean? BLONDE #1:No, stupidly funny.
An elderly couple was having a conversation, and the wife asked her husband a simple question :- "Boxers or briefs?" Her husband replied :- "Depends."
2. Australia Version A recent survey in Australia asked the following question: Are there too many foreigners in this country now? Answer: 18% said: YES 82% said: معهد الأمن العالمي بوا! شن
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime. Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life.
I asked my girl-friend what she would like for her birthday, and she said she would like a green jumper. So I bought her a frog.
The judge read the charges, then asked: "Are you the defendant in this case?" "No, your honor," replied Tommy. "I've got a lawyer to do the defending. I'm the person who did it."
There were some kids playing hopscotch and they were allowed to skip so when the winner was on 8 it went straight to 10
There once was a President who had a law that evryone had to laugh once a hour or they spent an hour in jail.
Give me food and I will live. Give me water and I will die. What or who am I? (Scroll down) A fire
Policeman to woman he's just stopped for speeding - "As soon as I saw you coming round the corner, I said to myself, 'Must be 55 at least'." "It's this dress, officer - it always make me look older!"
What do you call an intelligent, good looking and sensitive man? A rumour
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time in reading it." - Moses Hadas.
Soccer Coach: Why didn't you stop the ball? New Goalie: I thought that was what the net was for!
Brad: I have to take three courses in college; French, Spanish, and algebra Chris: Okay, let me hear you say hi in algebra.
Larry: Yo momma so old her birth certificate said expired! Jerry: You know, at least I have a mom!
Brad: Chad, how does Sherlock Holmes sneeze? Chad: A clue ! A clue!
Teacher: Justin if I had ten tennis balls in one hand, and twelve in another what would I have? Justin: Huge hands sir
Yo momma is so ugly she made a blind person cry!!
The oldest Yo Momma joke in the book: Yo momma so fat that she's fat.
I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that there is no bad news. The bad news is that there is no good news.
Yo Momma so fat when she peed in China, she made the Yellow River!
Because Lexus created the park it your self car many Mexicans lost their jobs.
A blonde girl comes into her dad's room and tells her dad... Amanda: Dad, I'm glad you named me Amanda. Dad: Why? Amanda: It's because that's what everyone calls me!
Ryan: Hey Philip, what's that on your leg? Philip: A shoe! Ryan: Gesundheit! Philip: No, you idiot, a shoe! Ryan: No need to thank me, gesundheit!
A dog goes up to a man with a pizza and starts whining for some. Man to Owner: Can I throw him a bit? Owner smiles proudly: Yes. The man picks up the dog and throws him on the ground.
Larry: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great Fall? Mary: Because he had a bad summer.
Mom: Jimmy, did you pick up your room yet? JImmy: No mom, it's too heavy.
A blond finished his English exam and came out. His friends asked him how did he do in his exam; he replied, "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought ... and at last I wrote THUNK!"
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4? Blonde: 9 Teacher: What is 4 plus 5? Blonde: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure. The answer is 6!!!
How many moves, at least, are required to stalemate in chess? Nineteen moves. 1.h4 h5 2.c4 a5 3.Qa4 Ra6 4.Qxa5 Rah6 5.Qxc7 f6 6.Qxd7+ Kf7 7.Qxb7 Qd3 8.Qxb8 Qh7 9.Qxc8 Kg6 10.Qe6
How many moves, at least, are required to checkmate in chess? Four moves. 1.f4 e5 2.g4 Qh4#
How many diagonals does an N-polygon have? N(N-3)/2.
What is 60 divided by 1/3rd? Read carefully. If you think it's 180, then you're wrong! The answer is 20. 3rd is 1/3. 1/3rd is 1/(1/3), and therefore 3. 60 divided by 3 is 20.
20 = best score in lowball bowling.
162 = worst score in golf.
72 = best score in golf.
In the school the biology teacher asks the class a question. "Where is an elephant's sex organ?" Little Johnny, "In his feet ma'am." Teacher, "How come?" "If he steps on you, you're fucked."
The government has recently issued a statement saying that 18.9 percent of all statistics are false.
Aron: Throw all of your fish in the air. Jake: Why? Aron: So I can tell my mom I honestly caught them.
Cinfuscious says : It is nice to meet a woman in the park but is better to park meat in a woman.
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I know a person who is an owl. Doctor: Who? Patient: Now I know two. Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?" Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"
Sean: I've finally cleared my mind! Dean: Does your new one work?
What's round and hard and sticks so far out of a man's pajamas you can hang a hat on it? His head!
How many ventriloquists does it take to change a light bulb? Two - one to change the light bulb, and one to holg ge gottong og ge lagger.
Who is the greatest prostitute in history? Ms.Pacman For 50 cents she'll swallow balls until she dies.
Knock knock. Who's there? Poop!
Can You Decipher This Phrase? R R A Y Y X-ray!
Fill in the blank: The one who says it cannot be done should never _________ the one who is doing it. Interrupt.
Can you decipher this phrase? HOT HOT HANDLE HANDLE Too hot to handle!
Can you decipher this phrase? E L G G U R T S Uphill struggle!
Can you decipher this phrase? M L I K Milk shake!
Fill in the blanks such that the second blank is the reverse action of the first one: The famous musician Mozart ________ symphonies when he was alive and __________ after he died. Composed and decomposed.
Please answer yes or no to this question. Is your answer "no"? Hint: This is under trick, remember. Answer: Yes or no.
Can You Decipher This Phrase? B SAI Bonsai! B (on) SAI.
Can You Decipher This Phrase? knee light light Neon lights!
What is represented by this? HEAR T Broken heart!
What is represented by this? T N O R F O T Back to front!
What is represented by this? WOWOLFOL Wolf in sheep's clothing (wool)!
What is represented by this? R E N N U R Runner up!
What is represented by this? heart heart heart Heart-to-heart!
What is represented by this? STEPPETSPETS One step forward, two steps back!
What is represented by this? EGASSAM Back massage!
What is represented by this? DO WN Broken down!
What is represented by this? Way One Way!
What letter comes next? D, L, M, M, J, V, ... S. The letters are the first letters of Spanish days of the week, domingo, lunes, martes, miercoles, jueves, viernes, sabado.
My pal is addicted to brake fluid - but he says he can stop any time he wants.
Started a great book the other day - I couldn't put it down. It's called "The History of Glue"!
Jenny: How did the turtle cross the freeway? Forrest: I don't know. Jenny: Take the 'r' out of 'free'. Now, take the 'f' out of 'way'. Forrest: There's no 'f' in way!
Any horizontal surface is soon piled up.
What does a dog do in your backyard that you don't want to step in? Dig a hole. If you step in the hole, you might twist your ankle!
"I'm having trouble with this new hearing aid," said the man to his audiologist. "Really? Can you describe the symptoms?" "Sure. Homer is fat and yellow, Marge has blue hair..."
A Blonde walks into an electronic store. A saleswoman goes up to him and introduces a washing machine. Saleswoman: Sir, this machine in gurantee to do half of all your laundry. Blonde: That's nice, I'll take two.
Did you hear about the thieves that broke into the United Jewish Appeal offices? They got away with over a million dollars in pledges!
Put the characters C - D - I - M - L - V - X in the right order - but not alphabetical. I - V - X - L - C - D - M. Roman numerals.
Which word is the odd one out? seventy brawl clover proper carrot swing change travel sacred stone Carrot. Each of the other words remains a real word if you remove the first and last letter.
Can You Decipher This Phrase? P E T S Step up!
Can You Decipher This Phrase? cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat Catch 22! (22 cats).
Can You Decipher This Phrase? B O N E S Broken bones!
Can you decipher this phrase? lookkool Look both ways!
Can You Decipher This Phrase? pu Back up!
10=D in a M 10 decimeters in a meter.
10=E on B 10 editors on braingle.
Can You Decipher This Phrase? R U N Run down!
Can you decipher this phrase? W O R K SEESAWS Overseas work!
Can You Decipher This Phrase? QQQQQQ No excuse. There is no X listed, but there are some Qs.
Can you decipher this phrase? cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat Copy cat!
Can you decipher this phrase? SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME Pyramid scheme!
Can you decipher this phrase? ED CROWD Over crowded: [CROWD over ED].
Can You Decipher This Phrase? E E Y E E D D Cross eyed!
1 C A and 4 H A in a M M 1 carbon atom and 4 hydrogen atoms in a methane molecule!
Woman: I did something special today. Man: What? Woman: I rode on a hippo. Man: Surely you musn't be kidding. Woman: Yes I'm not kidding and don't call me Shirley.
What is a chicken's favorite type of joke? The human who crossed the road!!!
What's Hitlers least favorite planet? 'Jewpiter'
How do you get 100 jews into a car? Throw a quarter in it. How do you get them out again? Tell them Hilter is driving.
A man walks into a restaurant, and asks the waiter: Man: Waiter, how much is a cup of coffee? Waiter: 50 cents, sir. Man: How much are refills? Waiter: They are free. Man: That's nice, I'll have a refill, please.
How do you know you have a queer Jew? He likes money more than girls.
Have you heard about the Jewish sports car? It stops on a dime, then picks it up
Whats the object of Jewish football? To get the quarter back.
Why did the Jews walk around the desert for 40 years? They heard that someone dropped a quarter
What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall? He breaks his nose.
What's faster than a speeding bullet? A jew with a coupon.
What's a Black Priest called? Holy Shit!
Father: "So you want to be my son-in-law, do you?" Boyfriend: "Not particularly, but since I want to marry your daughter, I haven't much choice!"
Two executives were talking in the executive washroom. "My wife says I don't display enough passion. Imagine the audacity! I think I'll send her a memo!"
Always keep several "get well" cards on the mantle. That way, if unexpected guests arrive they will think you have been sick and unable to clean.
The discovery that Bush's resting heart rate is 43 has led some observers to speculate that this is the first time we've had a president with a heart rate that matches his IQ.
Asked by his teacher to compare three presidents Johnny thought for a moment and said: "Well, George Washington couldn't tell a lie. Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth. And George W. Bush can't tell the difference."
Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, "Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!" To which David replies, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."
The best way to end a war is to surrender.
This is the worst joke ever. Give it no smiley face.
This is the best joke ever! Give it a full smiley :) :) :) :)
A wig factory was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen. Police are combing the area.
Pete and Mick were in court and standing before the judge. "Why can't this case be settled out of court?" the judge asked. Pete looked up at the judge and said, "That's what we were trying to do, your honour, when the police interfered."
A masked man all of a sudden gave a beggar 1 million dollars. Man: Why did you give me so much money? Masked Robber: I steal from the rich and give to the poor. Man: I'm rich! Masked Robber: Okay give me all your money.
A girl named Zoey goes up to an artist and asks him to paint a picture of her face. "But Miss Zoey, if I paint a picture of your face then I can never be an artist again." "Why?" she asked. "Because if I look at your face too long, I will go blind."
16 more white keys than black keys on a piano.
8*4 = worlds in super mario brothers.
Beijing = Capital of China.
8 = planets in solar system.
X-axis + Y-axis + Z-axis + time = 4 dimensions.
7 + 7 + 7 = Jackpot!
3.6 = coulombs in a milliampere-hour.
A A A A K = biggest 4 of a kind.
Natrium chloride = table salt. "Natrium", from which the symbol "Na" derives, is the German word of "sodium".
Can you decipher this phrase? B BUSINESS BUSINESS A C K Getting back down to business!
Can you decipher this phrase? ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ 2 Mistletoe! (Miss L two.)
Can you decipher this phrase? RU[color=red]E[/color] Are you ready: [R U + red E].
Can You Decipher This Phrase? DEINPTH VESTINIGATION In depth investigation!
Can You Decipher This Phrase? BALLBBALLABALLSBALLKBALLEBALLTBALL Basket Balls!
Can you decipher this phrase? T T T U I U L P L I T I P O P S E S Tiptoe through the tulips!
Can you decipher this phrase? FORWARD Straightforward!
Can you decipher this phrase? ONALLE All in one!
Can you decipher this phrase? L L I H Uphill!
Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles, and lighten your burden." Boy: "That's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles." Girl: "Yes, well, that's because we aren't married yet."
I've been out of work for a while, so when I found a job sorting salt and pepper, I was most pleased. The only drawback is that it's seasonal work.
YOU'RE READING IT, YOU DOPE!
MADE YOU LOOK!
Homework... something you go to school hours for and not do.
Can you decipher this phrase? MTGG A hungry horse! MT (empty) GG (gee gee = horse).
Can you decipher the following common phrase? AND ED Underhanded!
Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto. Pluto because it's no longer a planet.
What was the last thing that Abraham Lincoln did? He died.
8 protons, 8 neutrons and 8 electrons in an oxygen atom!
Can you decipher this phrase? E D O W N D I S Upside down!
Can you decipher this phrase? E N U T Tune up!
The computer, the greatest invention in life even though it's bad for you.
Louis was talking to his friend Pete. "There's nothing I wouldn't do for my Becky," he said, "and there's nothing Becky wouldn't do for me, and that's how we go through life - doing nothing for each other."
Once a blonde decided that she wanted a kid. when she had it she couldnt decide what to name it. she asked around but no one had the right name. some people wanted huga butte and some wanted gatta pee pee. she went with ma hore
Yo Momma is stupid that she went hunting for whales in Ohio!
Yo Momma's breath is so bad, that when she entered the basement all the rats passed out!
Going home on the bus one evening a man was whiling away the time by doing a crossword. Three more men got on the bus at the next stop, and as they passed, one said, "If it's any help to you, 7 Up is lemonade."
Knock-knock Who's there It's me. This is not a joke. It's me. This is not a joke. who? Grrrrrrrrrr...
"Judi, did you ever try marriage counseling?" Monika asked. "No," Judi snarled. "That stupid dickhead, shit-for-brains, moronic ex-husband of mind would have just told the counselor I was 'insensitive.'"
Try this on a friend: Every time you say something, tell the other to say the same thing and add "bait" at the end. Example: fish --> fish bait fish (fish bait) dolphin (dolphin bait) seal (seal bait) I master (I masturbate!)
A man goes into a pet store, plants a bomb, and as he leaves, calls out, "You have one minute to get out!" At that, a tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, "You BASTARD!"
As part of a class project, the teacher had every student create a model rocket. When she was teaching them about how the rockets lift into the air, some kids seemed to be confused. She scolded them yelling, "It's not that hard! It's not rocket science!"
Did you hear about the gay guy that put a Nicotine patch on his penis? He's down to three butts a day!
Yo momma is so old, she has toys made in America.
5 = diagonals of a pentagon.
9 = diagonals of a hexagon.
4 = 2+2
9 = tails of a fox.
2 = special administrative regions in China. (Hong Kong and Macau)
Dozen^2 = Gross.
100 = decimeters in a decameter.
101 = keys on a computer keyboard.
Jack and Jill went down the hill.
Jack = 11 in cards.
HWAYETRDETIPZLHV OMNLTESOSHSUZEAE 32. Reading one letter from the top row and then one from the bottom row, the puzzle reads: 'How many letters does this puzzle have'.
Can you decipher this phrase? KCAB KCAB Back to back: [i.e. two back(s) - written back(wards)]
Can you decipher this phrase? EHCA Backache!
Can you decipher this phrase? box box box box box box box box box box box box Shit box box box box box box box box box box box box Shit in the box!
Can You Decipher This Phrase? STEP -> A step in the right direction!
Meteorologists - People who tell something wrong and still get paid.
Period- The thing at the end of a sentence.
1st Stage (0-8)- You believe in Santa 2nd Stage (9-26)- You don't believe in Santa 3rd Stage (27-45)- You are Santa 4th Stage (46-80)- You look like Santa
A Blonde explains to another blonde friend: "I failed the driving test. I entered the circle-way and the sign said "30" so I drove 30 times around." And the other one says: "You probably counted wrong."
Remove seven letters from this grid to leave two numbers. S F E V E I N L V E T E T F E R O S U R Simply remove 'SEVEN LETTERS' and you are left with FIVE and FOUR: - F - - - I - - V - - E - F - - O - U R
What starts with an E, ends with an E and usually contains only one letter? ENVELOPE!
Which word is the odd one out: football polo badminton baseball golf tennis cricket billiards rugby Badminton. This is the only sport which does not use a ball, it uses a shuttlecock.
Can You Decipher This Phrase? LASE There are two possible answers. Argon laser: the 'R' has gone. Or, jumble sale: the letters of sale are jumbled.
Team has no "I" in it, but it does have a "M" and "E" in it, making "me".
Politically correct word for dead: Living Impaired
Was there any doubt?
"I wonder if my friend, Kent as submitted a joke about me saying how brave I am."
Would you like some chocolate ice cream and lemonade? Yes? Ok! *shits* chocolate ice cream and *pisses* lemonade!that would be $5.00
There was a nearly-new television for sale the other day. It has a 42-inch plasma screen, and I bought it for $50. The only thing wrong was that there was no volume control - but at that price, I couldn't turn it down!
I want to kick the guy who invented the snooze button...then five minutes later, I'll kick him again. Thanks Andrew!
Little Brother: How long is a strong? Big Sister: Huh? Little Brother: Well, I've heard of a week...
Conserve water and electricity, shower with a steamy hot friend.
A blonde's boyfriend, planning to stop at the bakery says, "I'm going to go pick up a blondie. I want a smoking hot fresh one." The blonde replies, "Well, then we're over. Go ahead and get a new girlfriend. A nice blondie!"
Yo momma so fat, she cut herself and bled gravy!
Yo momma's lips are so big, she made Angelina Jolie jealous!
Philip is telling his friends about his recent divorce. "Yes, it's true. Sylvie divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn't have any."
Yo momma's breath smells so bad, her teeth duck when she yawns!
Yo momma's so ugly, you can press her face in some dough and make gorilla cookies!
Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo momma so ugly the plastic surgeon sued her.
Yo momma so ugly she made a mime scream.
Yo momma so ugly they renamed "Halloween" "Yo-momma-ween".
You perverts..
What color is red? True or false?
I went for a 5 mile run today. 2 laps around yo mum!
"Tomorrow is a boiling hot day, at 10 degrees Fahrenheit. The day after that is the same temperature, as well as the next and the next. Won't these temperatures ever cool down?"
"Ciao amico, desidero comprare un mazzo di banane." "Il compagno spiacente, questo è un farmacista."
When my pap was younger, his family didn't have much money. One year for Christmas, his mother cut a hole in the front of his underwear so he would have something to play with.
knock knock, who's there animal animal who? animal i kin git lots of stuff iffn i have ta money
Inside i could hear a lot of bass noise pumping. I went outside to see what it was and i found out it was a drummer practicing. I went inside and told my family that the player made a mistake and said dammit. My brother said "I wonder which band it was?"
Two people were at a bar resting when one said, "I wish I was God." The other said, "Are you mad?" And the other says, "How could you say such a thing?" and the reply is, "I don't want to have to lose all of Buddha's fat!"
I'm a nobody and nobody is perfect - therefore, I am perfect.
Knock Knock Who's there? Boo Boo who? I don't know, but stop your crying!
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head. "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for?" says the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."
Teacher: John, where are the Great Plains? John: At the airport.
What do you call a dog in the sun? A Hot Dog!
Little Willy, full of hell, Threw his sister in the well. Their mother said when drawing water, "It's so hard to raise a daughter."
A child named Bob was running through the neighbor's garden. "Hey!" shouted the neighbor, "I thought I told you not to let me catch you here again!" "Right!" replied the boy, "and you haven't caught me yet!"
A boy walks home an hour late to class, the teacher asks him, "Why are you so late?" The boy replies, "I stopped two boys from beating each other up." The teacher says, "That's very nice; how did you do that?" The boy says, "I beat them both up!"
A boss of a computer company walked up to one of his workers. "You're fired!" exclaimed the boss. "I didn't do anything!" replied the confused worker. The boss, happy with his answer, says, "I know. That's why you're fired!"
Mr. Lwin was staring at the cage in the zoo, watching the great cat pace back and forth. "I wonder what the tiger would say if it could talk," he said to the zookeeper. The zookeeper replied, "It would probably say, 'Hey dummy, I'm a cheetah!"
"Hey," says Jim, "this match won't light!" "Strange," says Ned,. "It worked okay this morning."
Yo momma so fat that when I wanted to take her picture I had to back up so far that I ended up in China.
Definition of alien-people from another country.
Route 66 says to the country road: Hey, man, you straight? Country road says: Heck no, I'm a byway!
I was reading an article yesterday that was talking about the University of Michigan. They referred to it as MU. This got me to thinking.... What do they call the University of Florida?
What's a Mexican called when he's covered in dirt? A churro
Q: What do you get when you cross an anteater and a monkey? A: I haven't a goddamn clue.
If ham is Canadian bacon, then what the heck do you Canadians call bacon?
One professor says your IQ measures how much you know. A scientist says your IQ measures how much information you are capable of learning. All I want to know is how long it will take me to get with your sister. I mean DAMN!
10. Horton Hears a Ho 9. National Pleasure 2: Book of Secretions 8. I Am Legend...In Bed 7. The Suck It List 6. I Know Who Drilled Me 5. Scat-Atouille 4. Gush Hour 3 3. No Country for Old Balls 2. Alvin in the Chipmunks 1. Iron Man
The teacher told one kid, "You're going to flunk this subject because you haven't finished your homework assignments." The kid said, "Good. I flunked all the other ones because I'm stupid."
Yo momma so fat she turned her Nike Shox into "Shocked Nikes"
Q. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's day? A. Regular Rocks are too heavy!
There was a blonde in Wal-mart and she went up to a man. The blonde said, "Hi! Do you know what IDK means?" The man said, "I don't know." Then the blonde said, "DARN! Nobody knows!"
There were three men at a bar. One of them ducked and the other two fell down because they hit the bar.
There was a coconut tree and 4 animals. 1. A Elephant 2. A Monkey 3. A Tiger 4. A Mouse Which one of these animals is going to climb up the tree to get the banana? NONE! "There was a COCONUT TREE" "...the tree to get the BANANA"
BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!
Liners
I'm so good that even yo momma cheers for me!
Q: How many Clowns does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Paid Clowns - 5 Boys in school - 1000
"Daddy, there's a man knocking on the door with a beard!" "No wonder I didn't hear him!"
They're fat
Why do you go to a black person's yard sale? To get your stuff back!
- I want to give you something. - That's what your mom said to me last night.
- What's your dad doing? - Your mom!
- What do you wanna do next? - Your mom!
- I told you to knock before you enter my room! - Your mom.
- What did you have for dinner last night? - Your mom.
- What did you have for dinner last night? - Your mom. - ...and for dessert? - Your mom.
Painter: "Y'are a dog." Apemantus: "Thy mother's of my generation. What's she, if I be a dog?"
Demetrius: "Villain, what hast thou done?" Aaron: "That which thou canst not undo." Chiron: "Thou hast undone our mother." Aaron: "Villain, I have done thy mother."
See that X? That's your mum that is.
Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A. The same as the number of men, you sexist bastard!
How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow!
A Kerryman emigrated from Ireland to England, thereby increasing the average IQ of both countries.
Why do mathematicians like national parks? Because of the natural logs.
What's purple and commutes? An Abelian grape.
Gene Pitney dies, and his widow is told that the coffin would take a week if it was made from Oak - but only 24 hours from Balsa!
People from Mensa are said to understand any jokes without the need of any explaination. Meaning Mensans will be able to understand this joke here, though it is limpid that there aren't any to be contemplated.
The three wise men went to visit Jesus right after he was born. One wise man was extremely tall. He hit his head on the top of the door frame and said, ''Jesus Christ!'' Joseph looked at Mary and said ''Write that down -- that's way better than Clyde!''
A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
Knock knock. Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it's raining!
Why did the chicken do a poo right in front of a hole on a really busy footpath? Because he wanted people to slip on the poo and fall in the hole.
What do you call a chicken in a shell suit? An egg!
What do you call a chicken? A chicken.
Why can't you go to the bathroom at a Beatles concert? There's no John.
What does PMS stand for? Potential Murder Suspect
Knock-Knock Who's there? Alaska Alaska who? Alaska one more time, open the door
Well both the girl and the emo bleed blood and both of them are annoying as hell in the process.
A vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
Both are attractive cost about $400 for 2 or 12 hours of fun. But right when you're satisfied you get addicted to them, And keep wasting money replacing em.
If winners never quit, and quitters never win... Who was the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead".
Doctor, doctor. I think I need glasses. You sure do, sir. This is a flower shop.
Ok Umm Uhh, Ahhh! Oh well, I just forgot what I was gonna say. Man I'm stupid
A kid named Ron lost his mom and dad. He went to the hospital to say, "I wanna baby! Waaaaaaaaaaa!" The nurse said, "You're a male! Males don't have babies! And you're too young!" He died by biting his finger really hard.
. . . they only tell who's left.
Yo Momma so short, when she saw a set of stairs she said, "I never knew Mount Everest was here." Yo Momma so short, she called a dolls house a set of flats!
Yo momma so fat, that when she went on Biggest Loser, she she couldn't get kicked out when she destroyed the stage.
Yo momma so fat that, on the airplane, she smothered the person next to her to death - who was on the aisle seat.
Me: Do you wanna hear a good joke? Amy: Yes! Me: Me too!
How many lightbulbs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 0. No lightbulbs want to torture their own kind!
Knock knock. Who's there? Guess. Guess who? What, I don't know.
Knock-Knock Who's there? Who's There. Who's there Who? I'm supposed to say Who's there!
Knock-knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and answer the door!
If you are inventing something, the best way for it to work is to give it a job.
The similarity of all the people that live is that they are alive and they are living.
If Jesus was born on the computer age, he would just use the internet to spread his word unlike his time, he needs to journey across the world.
It is really insulting when someone from the Greenwich restaurant see you eating a pizza from Pizza Hut.
I was walking down the road and saw a sign which read, "SIDEWALK AHEAD CLOSED. PLEASE USE OTHER SIDE OF ROAD". Oooh, it made me cross!
What's better than going to school? Having play time every day!
Why did the limping man sit on a scorpion? He thought that it would be "pinched"!
Q: What's a cannibal? A: ÇןdoÇd É¥Ê‡Ä±Ê dn pÇÉŸ s,oÉ¥Ê uosɹÇd É
In the morning elephants put springs on their feet and jump around the jungle. Now the most fearsome sound to a monkey is "Boing Boing"
Yo Momma so stupid when she heard the doorbell she opened the microwave and said "Hello???"
The thing you need to focus on in your 20's is not getting a bad tattoo. You don't want to be 40 and going, "No, dude, it was different back then - everybody loved SpongeBob."
I have an 18-year-old; her name is Alexis. I chose that name because if I hadn't had her, I'd be driving one.
The reason grandparents and children get along so well is really quite simple: They have a common enemy.
Real headline: "Air Traffic Controllers Can Apply for Job in Braille"
This guy at work argued with everybody that his pink oxford shirt was actually "salmon." Finally, human resources brought in a grizzly bear to settle the dispute.
whats hitlers least favourite planet ? - jewpiter
What do Michael Jackson and Speed Racer have in common? They both have a monkey and a small boy in their trunk.
Every man believes every woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While a recent sociological study verified this, what men don't realize is that, in women's fantasies, one man cooks while the other cleans!
It was often said that if an African American was ever voted in to be the President of the United States, that would be the the day that pigs fly. 100 days after President Barack Obama is in office, swine flu.
Maths teacher asks a blonde girl what comes after 69?" Essex girl replies "you wash your face and rinse your mouth DUH...!"
How do you know if you have the swine flu? You wake up in pigtails and then break out in rashers!
Swine flu may affect your hearing: you could get crackling in one ear!
I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.
yo momma is so ugly when she passed a horror movie filming the camera man said "Hey! No breaks, get back on set."
Q:Why can peter pan fly? A:Because if you got hit in the peter with a pan you'd fly too.
yo momma is so stupid she drowned in the shower.
Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table, when one sees a whisk. He says to his friend, "Ooh, what's that?" The friend replies, "Beats me!"
Why is a pool table green? Because if someone racked your balls you'd be green too.
What's worse than a brunette building a fire under water? A blonde trying to put it out.
Y'know - just when I think I've finally figured out women, I wake up!
"What I saw, it was burned into my mind forever." "Well, that explains the red markings on your scalp."
She was only a whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still.
A special kind of firework with very bright colors and little smoke was accidentally discovered when a man tried to make the atomic bomb safer. That defeats the original purpose.
Everyone knows that common phrase, meaning, 'COME ON, I NEED TO GET LUCKY!' Well, whenever I need to get lucky, I say, Daddy needs a new pair o' pants! (Come on, winter is coming!)
Jersey girls aren't trash; trash gets picked up.
How long does a black woman take to do a shit? 9 months
Someone approaches you to say hi and your immediate response is, "You bet I am!"
Why aren't there more Kenyans in the Olympics? All the rest couldn't outrun the slave traders!
An elderly couple was attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do? He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Yo Mamma's so fat when she jumped off the ship a sailor yelled, "Land Ahoy!"
I tried for years to snap my thumb and finger together - and suddenly it clicked!
How do you shut up a crying baby? Finish the job.
Do you think god gets stoned? I do. Look at the platypus! -Robin Williams
How can you tell if a blonde has been in your fridge? There is lipstick on the cucumber
A police man arrested a MBA marketing girl.... GIRL: I'M not involved in sex COP:Then what are you doing? GIRL: I am selling condoms and offering a free a trial
What do you call a black priest? Holy Crap!
If I ever need a good laugh....Yo Momma
what George W. bush thinks during his cabinet meetings. Hmmm...what does the w stand for? Wait... there isn't even a cabinet in here!
The following is a list of the U.S. deaths in certain places. September 11: 2,752 War on Terror: 4,344 We beat ourselves.
Knock Knock Who's there? Dennis What is Den? My name is Dennis What is Den? Den is like a mini barnyard or a mini house Oh!Anyways who are you? I am Dennis!! I forgot what den is again. ARGH!
What does PPSH-41 stand for? It is:Perfectly and Painfully and Stubborn Hallucination for(4) one(1)
Knock Knock Who's there Z Z who? Z taxi is leaving! I don't speak Italian or French or anything of your so-called "Special" Language!*Slams door*
How many exciting people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they are VERY excited, one of them cracks the lightbulb and another throws the screw at their neighbor's house.
You'll never guess what just happened! I just got arrested for punching a black woman. It wasn't my fault it was my mom's. We were in Home Depot when she told me to go find a Black & Decker.
what did one gay say to the other when they broke up? ''YOU'RE SUCH A PAIN IN THE A*S''
The "bishop" came to our church today The was a fucken impostor He never once moved diagonally
Me and my friend were IMing and it was like this... Me:BRB Him: kake Me:heh Him:I LIKE KAKE Me:i like 3.1415926535 Him:Pi >:0
1 Good Grades 2 Social life 3 Adequate Sleep. Pick Two Welcome to College...
Dad, have you got a ladder? Yes; why? I have to write an essay on an elephant!
In a recent review, The Weird Gamers rated popular game, Grand Theft Auto IV 3.14 out of 10. They said it was pirated.
JOHNNY : Hey billy, you like Fishsticks? BILLY : Yeah... JOHNNY : So, you put Fishsticks in your mouth? BILLY : Yeah why? JOHNNY : What are you Billy, a gay fish?
You know how we earn little icons next to our names for the points we get for being active on Wocka? They should do that on Facebook. Only backwards. The longer you are totally inactive, the higher level symbols you get.
DMV jokes get old really fast. Unlike the DMV. You have to go through a special line to become old.
Good morning is a contradiction in terms.
Why did the chicken cross the road? TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! DUH! Aw c'mon, how many times are you gonna fall for this?
What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.
A Donkey meets a Buick at the High Road. "Hello car", the Donkey says. "Hello donkey", the Buick replies, when suddenly the Donkey begins to cry. "Oh my" the Buick says. "Why are you crying"? "Well, when i now call you car, you can at least call me horse.
How many ADHD kids does it take to change a lightbulb? It takes twenty se- hey, this is in the wrong category!
Yo momma is so stupid, that she made a crack on the sidewalk and tried to smoke it!
If a fly can fly, can an elephant elephant?
I saw yo momma walkin' down the street the other day, with a fat pig under her arm. So, I went up to her and asked, ''Hey, where did you get that?'' and the PIG says ''I won her in a contest!''
How Many ADHD kids does it take to change a light bulb? 1:Let's go ride our bikes! 2:Hey look! A squirrel.
Knock-knock? Who's there? Little Boy Blue! Little Boy Blue Who? Michael Jackson! If you don't get it, read the title. If you still don't get it, pm me. If you STILL DON'T GET IT, you're an asshole
Jimmy To Billy : You ain't half the man yo momma was. But hey, you ARE half the girl yo papa was.
Jimmy: Hey, you momma is so fat, that she fills up Myspace Billy: Hey, yo momma IS my space, your space and everybody's space!
These danish chicks flash their hairy armpits, while they catch guys' reaction on candid camera. Scroll in a few minutes - it is hilarious http://www.dr.dk/pirattv/programmer/soestrene-bidsk/soestrene-bidsk-tester-angst-for-haar/
A man was kneeling by his bed, praying. His wife walks in and asks "Whatcha doin'?" The man - once finishing - says "Praying." "Whatcha prayin for?" says the lady. "Guidance." "Don't pray for guidance, pray for stiffness and I'll guide it myself!"
You probably know for a fact that Adolf Hitler had only one testicle. And here we say ''You got to have balls to become a leader''
An elderly couple was watching the news when the man farts. The man asks "Was that me, or you?"
No cure here. . . .
Yo Momma is so old that when she farts, dust comes out!
Yo momma is so fat, she's NOT on A Diet. . .she's on two Diets cause one ain't fittin' her well!
Yo Momma has afros on her nipples
What's the integral of 1/cabin? A natural log cabin. No, a houseboat – you forgot to add the c!
If only DEAD people understand hexadecimal, how many people understand hexadecimal? 57005.
Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec.
Premise I: Knowledge is power. Premise II: Power corrupts. Conclusion: Therefore, knowledge corrupts.
What is sin x divided by n? Canceling the "n" yields six.
A dozen, a gross, and a score Plus three times the square root of four Divided by seven Plus five times eleven Is nine squared and not a bit more.
If 1/(x-8) approaches ∞ as x approaches 8 from above, then will 1/(x-3) approach ω as x approaches 3 from above?
The Englishman and the Scotsman both walk into a bar. The Irishman ducks under it.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a rabbi walk into a bar. The rabbi stops and says "I think I'm in the wrong joke."
You know you're addicted to wocka when your friends say something funny, and you cry out ''LOL, LOL'' instead of actually laughing out loud.
What a bullfighter tries to do. (avoid-a-bull)
too much to pay for corn ([a] buck an ear)
A fashionably dressed big cat (dandy lion)
Possessing only ten teeth. (deca-dent)
Where people wait for buses. (the-bus-station)
live long (die late)
Consumption of an expensive meal. (fortune-ate)
A flaming elf. (imp-alight)
where one places dirty dishes (in the sink)
How many Wocka users does it take to change a lightbulb? A: All of 'em. One to hold the lightbulb and the rest to argue if this is funny or not.
Italian suppositories. (in-you-end-os)
Me not on time. (I-(am)-so-late)
A foot. (leg-end)
An English tramp. (hobo)
In favour of youth. (pro-teen)
What trees do in Spring. (re-leaf)
how geese fly (in formation)
Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
How can you use a banana as a compass? Place a banana on the Berlin Wall. East is where a bite has been taken out of it.
In the GDR, at traffic hubs and in front of supermarkets there are "banana machines". You stick a banana in and five Ostmarks come out!
A west-german boy to a ddr-boy: Why is the banana curved? The ossie replies: Why, is this curved? (old Hungarian joke)
Which three great nations in the world begin with "U"? - USA, USSR, and our (German:unsere) GDR (USA, UdSSR, Unsere DDR). (A play on the way official discourse often used the phrase "our GDR", and also often exaggerated the GDR's world status.)
The teacher asks: "Fritzchen, why are you always speaking of our Soviet brothers? It's 'Soviet friends'." Fritz responds: "Well, you can pick your friends."
Honecker meets Mao and asks him: "How many political opponents do you have in China?" Mao: "I estimate about 17 million." Honecker: "Oh, that's pretty much the same here." (The GDR had 17 million inhabitants)
The teacher asks: "Fritzchen, what is the difference between capitalism and socialism?" Fritz replies: "Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Under socialism, it is the other way around."
"The fact that the GDR considers itself as one of the 5 technologically most advanced power of the nations may be be given to the fact that there are only 5 fingers on a hand. " University lecture in Hungary in the 70s
"What's the difference between Honecker and a telephone? None! Hang up and try again."
Honecker and Mielke are discussing their hobbies. Honecker: "I collect all the jokes about me that are in circulation." Mielke: "Then we have almost the same hobby. I collect those who bring the jokes into circulation."
How can you tell that the Stasi has bugged your apartment? There's a new cabinet in it.
Two Stasi agents are on a surveillance mission and quite bored. First agent: "Hey, what are you thinking about?" Second agent: "Oh, nothing special. The same as you..." First agent: "In that case, you're under arrest!"
Guest: "A cup of coffee, please!" Waiter: "Turkish or filtered?" Guest: "Why, filtered, of course." Waiter: "Then you'll have to bring your own filter paper for now."
What's the difference between an HO-sausage and Sputnik? They've officially confirmed that Sputnik 2 had a dog in it.
A man was fishing. After a while another angler came to join him. "Have you had any bites?" asked the second man. "Yes, lots," replied the first one, "but they were all mosquitoes."
How do you double the value of a Trabant? Fill up the tank!
VEB Sachsenring brought out a new Eco-Trabi: Immediately available for delivery, extremely cheap, extremely quiet, extremely environmentally friendly - with electric power train. Small problem: The extension cord is only 20 meters long and not in stock.
Did you know they have Knight Rider in the GDR? It's a Trabant with a pocket calculator!
Why are there so many bananas in the West? Because the Westerners are descended from apes.
What's the difference between a Western necktie and a cow's tail? The cow's tail covers the whole asshole.
At the peak of the wave of East Germans fleeing through Hungary and Czechoslovakia in 1989, the persons still staying in East Germany (DDR) were called the "Der Dumme Rest" (the dumb remains).
What do you get when you cross an Ossi with a Wessi? An arrogant unemployed person.
Q: How can you tell that an elephant is in the bathtub with you? A: By the smell of peanuts on its breath.
Q: Why do elephants paint their toes yellow? A: So they can hide upside down in the custard.
Q: What did the Dallas chief of police say when the elephant walked into the police station? A: Nothing! He didn't notice.
Q: Why do elephants have big ears? A: Because Noddy would not pay the ransom!
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant? A: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant? A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a purple elephant? A: Paint him red, hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
Q: How many elephants will fit into a Mini? A: Four: Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini? A: None. It's full of elephants.
Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini? A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.
Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator? A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.
Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator? A: You can't close the door.
Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator? A: There's an empty Mini parked outside.
What do elephants have that nothing else has? Baby elephants!
Q: What is brown, has four legs, and a trunk? A: A mouse coming back from vacation.
Q: What has eight legs, two trunks, four eyes, and two tails? A: Two elephants.
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly? A: Because if it was small, white and hard it would be an aspirin.
Why are golf balls small and white? Because if they were big and grey they would be elephants.
Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a plum? A: Their color.
If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my Social Studies class; it would seem so much longer.
Q: What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming? A: Here come the elephants.
Q: What did Jane say to Tarzan when she saw the elephants coming? A: Here come the plums; she was color blind.
Q: What is big and grey and comes in quarts? A: An elephant.
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
Would you hit a woman with a baby? No, I'd hit her with a brick.
What has four legs and ticks? A walking clock!
Q: How do you keep an idiot busy? A: Have him read this.
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The devil is the father of lies, but he neglected to patent the idea, and the business now suffers from competition.
Q: Is one permitted to ride in an airplane on the Sabbath? A: Yes, as long as your seat belt remains fastened. In this case, it is considered that you are not riding, you are wearing the plane.
Post-Soviet Russia. Rabinovich calls the Pamyat headquarters: "Is it true that we Jews sold out Mother Russia?" In return he hears an affirmation accompanied by antisemitic slurs. "Oh good. So where can I get my share?"
We were married by a Reform rabbi in Long Island. A very Reform rabbi. A Nazi.
At an Orthodox wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant. At a Conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant. At a Reform wedding, the rabbi is pregnant. At a Reconstructionist wedding, the rabbi and her wife are both pregnant.
It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins. Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.
After performing a marriage the rabbi gave some advice to the newlyweds: "The first ten years are always the hardest," said the rabbi. "How many years have you been married?" they asked. "Ten years," the rabbi replied.
Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask from a child after all I've done?
"Sarah, how's that boy of yours?" "David? Ach, don't ask - he's living in Miami with a man named Miguel" "That's terrible!" "I know - why couldn't he find a nice Jewish boy?"
A Frenchman, a German and a Jew walk into a bar. "I'm tired and thirsty," says the Frenchman. "I must have wine." "I'm tired and thirsty," says the German. "I must have beer." "I'm tired and thirsty," says the Jew. "I must have diabetes."
Q: Rabinovich, what is a fortune? A: A fortune is to live in our Socialist motherland. Q: And what's a misfortune? A: A misfortune is to have such a fortune.
An old Armenian is on his deathbed: "My children, remember to defend the Jews." "Why Jews?" "Because if they are gone, we will be next."
An old Jewish man is picked up by the Stalinist police and brought in for questioning: Where were you born?! St. Petersburg. Where do you live?! Leningrad. (menacingly) Where would you like to die?! St. Petersburg.
An elderly man refuses to leave for the air raid shelter until he can find his dentures. His wife yells at him, "What, you think they are dropping sandwiches?"
Knock, knock! Who's there? Delores. Delores who? Delores my shepherd...
Toc Toc! Qui est là? Sheila. Sheila qui? Sheila lutte finale...
Knock, knock, knock! Who's there, i' th' name of Beelzebub? Here's a farmer that hanged himself on the expectation of plenty. Come in time, have napkins enough about you, here you'll sweat for 't.
Knock, knock! Who's there, in th' other devil's name? Faith, here's an equivocator that could swear in both the scales against either scale, who committed treason enough for God's sake, yet could not equivocate to heaven. O, come in, equivocator.
The economy is so bad. . . if the bank returns your check marked ''Insufficient Funds,'' you call them and ask if they meant you or them. The economy is so bad. . . a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
I saw a girl the other day. I didn't like her because she was a butter face. You know 'butter face' - she has a hot body, but her face . . .
Knock, knock, knock! Who's there? Faith, here's an English tailor come hither for stealing out of a French hose. Come in, tailor. Here you may roast your gooses.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Sobers. Sobers who? Sau baras se khatkhata rahen hain, Ab to darwazaa kholo.
Q. How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb? A. You send us the prize money and we'll tell you the answer.
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of joke?"
Three blind mice walk into a bar, but they are unaware of their surroundings so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.
A performative poet of Hibernia Rhymed himself into a hernia He became quite adept At this practise, except For the occasional non-sequitur.
Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.
"Three people of different nationalities walk into a bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb."
This is by me, the asshole who dupes himeself.
How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task? A finite number: one to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.
There once was an X from place B, That satisfied predicate P, He or she did thing A, In an adjective way, Resulting in circumstance C.
"Big foot is blurry... that's the problem!"
"It would be funny if, while performing an abortion, someone yelled 'abort! abort!'"
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Race is just a pigment of the imagination.
If all those sweet young things were laid end to end – I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
Take my wife – please!
If it wasn't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.
I have a map of the world... its actual size.
The Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it possible to enjoy life to the fullest in the Soviet Union?" The Armenian Radio answers: "Yes, if you like crowded trains."
The Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it good to have sex with an open window?" The Armenian Radio answers: "Yes, but with a woman it is better."
The Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it true that in Moscow, Mercedes cars are being given to citizens?" The Armenian Radio answers: "Yes, but it is not Moscow but Leningrad, not Mercedes but Ladas, and not given to but stolen from."
A man, standing before a censor, is about to testify, whether he has a wife. The censor asks: -Do you have, in all your honesty, a wife? -I surely do, but not in all my honesty.
Russian company: You have two cows. You drink some vodka and count them again. You have five cows. The Russian Mafia shows up and takes however many cows you have.
You have a million cows. Most of them are illegals.
Why does a chicken cross the street? Because it wants to get on the other side!
Why should not a chicken cross the road? It would be a fowl proceeding.
Why does a duck cross the street? Because it was the chicken's and turkey's day off.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens weren't invented yet.
Why didn't the duck cross the road? To prove he's no chicken.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway? To "lay it on the line".
What you humans call 'THE APOCALYPSE', I used to call Sunday Dinner! - Archangel, Gabriel
Music Teacher: Anyone has a suggestion to which song we should play next? Johnny: How 'bout we sing 'The Teacher is A Big Fat Bitch. . .in C-Minor?'
If your father is a poor man, it's your fate. But, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
Hw does Battery reproduce? Bi pluging it into Boodler's Giant ass!
Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken's feet.
Why did the duck cross the road? Because the chicken was on holiday.