corrade-lsl-templates – Rev 15
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I use to feel like I was a man trapped in a woman's body, but then I was born.
Please don't tell anyone, this is HOT gossip. After all the years of shit, it's surprising they are still together! Guess who? THE BUTTOCKS!
If a monk, living in a monastery, takes a vow of silence, then talks in his sleep, has he broken his vow of silence? If so, who is going to tell on him?
I went to get some paper from the stationery store, but it had moved.
In the USA they go ice skating. In Canada we go skating; we just assume it will be on ice!
What is a definition of a " suicide bomber"? Answer: "martyr-dumb"
My bedroom is so small... The mice are hunchbacked. I shut the door and and the doorknob was in bed with me. I have to go outside to change my mind. If I stand up, I'm on the second floor.
A three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left was on the right and the right was on the left. She said, "Paul, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her and said, "No they're not, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
Knock-Knock Who's There Hatch Hatch Who? God Bless You.
2 guys are sitting at a bar after a hard days work and start talking about their wives. 1st guy: "You know what, my wife is an angel." 2nd guy: "Gee, you sure are lucky, my wife is still alive!"
Knock Knock Who's there? Aesop Aesop who? Aesop I saw a Putty Cat, I did I did!
When I was growing up I never bothered to learn French. So I tried very hard to avoid French in general, since I didn't know any of it. It was very hard to avoid... ...since my family spoke french...
Yo Momma is so Dumb she put training wheels on your tricycle.
Who is the ugliest member of wocka? [Name Removed - This joke offends some users - Joke awaiting deletion]
My geometry tutor told me, "A six-sided polygon is called a hexagon, a five-sided one is called a pentagon." "What about two sided ones?" I asked. "They don't exist," was his response. "I beg to differ! I think we should just let bi-gons be bi-gons."
You know you are a redneck when you do not speak your first word until your 18th birthday and that word is WELFARE!.
Why do Gynecologists retire at a younger age that other doctors? They get tunnel vision!
Yo momma's so old, if she's not wearing a bra, it looks like she has four legs.
Yo Momma is so fat she sat on Bigfoot and turned him into "Little Toe."
It's okay to kiss a fool, and it's also okay to let a fool kiss you. But NEVER let a kiss fool you!
Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?
-What do you call a dog in a submarine? -A sub-woofer.
1. Iraqi Head Found With Arms 2. Man Loses Toes in Snow, but Timesheet Submitted 3. Crack found on Governor's Daughter 4. Miners Refuse To Work After Death 5. Eight Arms Found In Octopus
A recent survey shows that 95% of men admit to pleasuring themselves sexually... and that the remaining 5% are liars!!
What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot? A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball!
Little Susie was watching her father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" she asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
"Operator? I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven." "I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?" "Yes. That's what it says on the label - 'Woven in Scotland'."
Real friends are those who, when you think you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.
Little Willy was a chemist; Little Willy is no more - For what he thought was H2O, Was H2SO4. Little Willy played with dynamite, Couldn't understand it quite. Curiosity never pays, It rained Willy seven days.
If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you -the next time he's in need.
Seen on rear mud-flaps of a large truck left mud-flap right mud-flap Passing Side Suicide / ------ ------ \ \ ------ ------ / El Paso El Cruncho
El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm and sank 65 times.
I joined a health club last year, spent about $400, and haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.
Did you ever watch the Food Network? Ya, they cook stuff that you won't even think about cooking, and afterwards you don't even bother to even remember it. People just sit at home and drool... It's like porno for fat people.
Why do cats raise their tails when you stroke their backs? To let you know you've reached the end of the cat.
Fe Fe Fe \ | / Fe --*-- Fe / | \ Fe Fe Fe A ferris wheel
Of a swimmer Saw four sharks, Off the coast. Three he missed, One almost. Tight Rope Walker Used no net, Knew no fear. Made mis-step, Wound up here. Novice farmer Here lies Clyde, Whose life was full. Until he tried, To milk a bull.
JCPenny blowdryer: do not use while sleeping ********** caution: hot chocolate may be hot **********
How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. With all the technology that they have, its a wonder that they still use lightbulbs.
Two kids were bragging about the toys they owned. One of them said, "This is Action Man! He's been in Viet Nam, Operation Desert Storm, Iraq - and the vacuum cleaner twice!"
Yo momma so fat she needs a boomerang to put on her belt
Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off." "I know the feeling," the other says. "No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me."
Yo Momma smells so bad that she made an onion cry!
What do u call 1 Paki on the moon? Answer: A problem What do u call 10 Paki's on the moon? Answer: A problem What do u call 100 Paki's on the moon? Answer: A problem What do u call all the Paki's on the moon? Answer: Problem solved
A man died and went to heaven, he went to the golden gates, and saw God. He didn't know who God was, so he took one look and said, "My god, Who the hell are you?"
One summer day a man came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So, he tied her up and went golfing.
A guy asks a young blonde woman he's just slept with, "Am I the first guy you ever made love to?" The blonde ashes out her cigarette and replies, "You might be. Your face looks familiar."
A bag of Cheetos has a contest. It says "No Purchase neccesary" but the code is on the inside...
Yo momma's so dumb, she tells you Yo Momma jokes!
You know what would be odd? Some one with a deep, dark voice calls you and says, "I know what your phone number is...heh heh..."
Virgin Mobile wanted to sponsor the national team. SAFA (South African Footballing Association) refused to let it happen. They said, "How will it look if the team has Virgin written on their shirts when they get f****d up every other weekend?"
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
A sandwich walked into a bar and asked for a pint. The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve food."
If at first u dont suceed Fuck the world and smoke some weed
Today I was thinking to myself, how would my life be different if I was born one day earlier. I said nothing would change except I would have asked myself that yesterday.
A black man dies on Halloween; he is sent to purgatory for a year. On the next Halloween, the man sees angels and God. He asked God if he is going to get wings and become an angel. God says, "No nigga, you are going to be a bat."
cluckedy fuck, place your order Comment from the Editor: This is an extremely stupid joke and I would advise everyone to give it 0 smileys so that we can rid this world of stoners writing jokes!!
Beans, beans, good for the heart. The more you eat, the more you fart. The more you fart, the better you feel. So eat some beans with every meal.
Yo Momma's so ugly, the neighborhood kids dressed up as her for Halloween.
A man goes to school and learns stuff.
Throwing acid is wrong - in some people's eyes
What's a specimen? An Italian astronaut!
What's a bigamist? A heavy fog in Naples!
What's bigotry? What you find in an Italian forest!
To find the inverse of a function, you reverse the process. To find the inverse of putting on your socks and shoes, how do you start? Socks first!
Yo Momma's so fat, she walks out to work in heels and comes back in pumps.
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"
Why did Julie lose the race? Because Jodie won!
Husband walks into his house with a chicken under his arm and says "Honey I want you to meet the pig I've been fucking." Wife looks at him and says "dear, that's a chicken not a pig!" Husband says "Shut up bitch I wasn't talking to you!"
I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered all over the world.
I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "What do you do at a red light?" I said, "I don't know... look around, listen to the radio...
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
As I was coming back from Canada, I stopped at the border and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I answered, "What do you need?"
Yo Momma's so fat, when she put on a pair of Nike's, it spelled out Nickelodeon!
You're probably a redneck if.................... During your wedding, when you kissed the bride, your John Deere hat fell off.
What do you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Knock-Knock Why are you knocking? I've got a doorbell.
In Arkansas, it is illegal to say the word Arkansas incorrectly.
You might be a redneck if all of your good clothes have come from cases of beer!
You might be a redneck if at your wedding your tux has a sign on the back that says "sponsored by Bubba's Chicken and Waffles!"
When the river runs red Take the dirt road instead!
Man, your mom's like the UCLA; every year she gets beaten up by a lot of Trojans!
You mom's soooo stupid, she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer!
Walking past a veterinary clinic, a woman noticed a small boy and his dog waiting outside. "Are you here to see Dr. Meyer?" she asked. "Yes," the boy said. "I'm having my dog put in neutral."
How Men Are Like Dogs * Both take up too much space on the bed * Both have irrational fears about vacuuming * Neither tells you what's bothering him * Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut * Neither understands what you see in cats
Why was the little pointy-eared boy down in the dumps? He had low elf-esteem. Why does Santa Claus come down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb? Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to give him a boost.
On the first day of her vacation, a woman fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, "Why couldn't this have happened on my last day of skiing?" He looked up. "This IS your last day of skiing."
When she put on makeup it's just like water, comes straight off.
I use to eat natural foods, but then I found out that 65% of all people die of natural causes.
Sadly I will never be able to join a nudist colony..=[ My mother always told me not to point!! =]
How do you know if a family tree is a redneck's? The family tree goes straight down.
Yo momma's so old, she doesn't need a history book.
What was the last thing NASA heard before apollo 13 crashed? Let her drive.
Policeman: "Lady, I'm arresting you for prostitution." Woman: "I'm not selling sex, I'm selling condoms with a free demonstration."
You are a big animal that is big.
What's worse than 10 babies in one dumpster? 1 baby in 10 dumpsters.
How do you keep a Michigan State Player out of your yard? Set up a goal post.
byuuyntfifgjrfnbrft9tn ...told you so.
How do you confuse an Irishman? Line 4 shovels up against a wall and tell him to take his pick.
Why did the Irish people jump on the bartender? He said, "The drinks are on me."
A pregnant woman was taking a shower and her three year old daughter said,"Mommy, you're getting fat!"And the mother replied,"That because a baby is growing in my tummy."To which the daughter said,"Yeah,but what's growing in you butt?"
Speak your mind out when you're angry. You'll make the best speech you'll ever live to regret.
Knock knock? Who's there? Madame. Madame who? Madame foot is stuck in the door!! (My damn foot is stuck in the door.)
Knock knock. Who's there? Cows. Cows who? No, owls hoo, cows moo.
Yo momma so ugly when i punch her she looks better than before.
Yo momma's so fat that when I take a picture of her and hang it on the wall, it still falls down!
What did Margie say about her brain surgeon? "I really gave him a piece of my mind!"
Why should you look out for a pig that knows karate? It might give you a pork chop!
Movie stars are a reel treat!
How did Alfo make a quart of juice from 3 oranges? It was a tight squeeze.
This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor. The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?" The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."
In Clinton, Alabama, it is illegal to molest your automobile. Now how would you go about doing that? And how would your automobile testify against you?
What do you get when the post office burns down? A case of black mail.
What do Gorillas Sleep on in fruit orchards? Apricots.
Why does Tommy run around the school track 98 times every day? He has a run track mind.
How does a rodeo star get around? With a cattle-act.
What happened when Ray Johnson fell off the Empire State Building? Now everyone calls him x-ray.
Why did the Quiz Show give away $10,000 plus one banana? They wanted the prize to have appeal.
Woman's guide to sex: Lay there and pretend to enjoy the experience and when it is done tell your partner it was the best you ever had. Man's guide to sex" In, Out repeat if necessary!
What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me I'm going in!
Two gay guys are having sex. The penis says to the asshole "you think you have it bad, I'm up to my nuts in shit over here!"
How does the butcher introduce his wife Meat Patty
Yo Momma is like a TV; Even a 4 year old could turn her on.
Yo Momma so poor she found a ciagarette on the ground and said, "Honey, we got a fire tonight!"
You are not as stupid as you look. That would be impossible.
"What shall we play today?" Cori asked her best friend Judy. "Let's play 'school'!" said Judy. "Okay," said Cori, "But I'm going to be absent."
Yo momma so old, she was at the afterparty when Moses brought down the Ten Commandments.
Yo momma so stupid, when Moses brought down the Ten Commandments, she said, "Where's the ketchup?" HINT:commandments condiments
Yo Momma so ugly, she walks down the street and a little boy says,"look Mommy, there's Shrek!"
A guy in a restaurant says to the waitress, "I want a cup of coffee without cream." The waitress comes back a few minutes later and says, "I'm sorry, but we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?"
Beaverton, OR- You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm. Portland, OR- People may not whistle underwater.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
When does running mean walking? When you're running out of gas!
Q. What do you call Asians swimming in a pool? A. Cornflakes
Time may fly, but does it have wings?
How many Russian leaders does it take to change a lightbulb? We don't know. Russian leaders don't last as long as lightbulbs.
Yo momma is so ugly, that when she was born the doctor smacked her butt and his hand melted!
Conserve water. Shower with a friend.
Yo momma so fat she sank Atlantis!
Im not on my period... I just dont like you :P
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
You can pick your friends, You can pick your nose; But you cant pick your friends nose.... What true words....!
"Apparatus" is a fancy word for thingy.
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose them a house trailer.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.
A shark is the only animal that can blink both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. A crocodile cannot move its tongue.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. There are more chickens than people in the world. There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.
2,500 left handers die each year using products designed for right handers. Most people hear better with their right ear. Animals that lay eggs don't have belly buttons. Honey bees are the only insects that create a form of food for humans.
Baboons were once trained by Egyptians to wait on tables. A queen bee can lay 800-1500 eggs per day. The Popsicle was invented in 1905 by an 11-year-old boy. "Disco" means "I learn" in Latin.
The first TV network kids show in the U.S. was "Captain Kangaroo." Before 1687 clocks were made with only an hour hand. There are towns named Sandwich in Illinois and Massachusetts. Caterpillars have over 2,000 muscles.
The first typewriter was called the "literary piano." Frogs can't swallow with their eyes open. A duck's quack doesn't echo. August has the highest percentage of births.
Why do you Drive on the Parkway but Park on the Driveway?
Yo momma's so fat, that when she went to the doctor, he did an ultrasound test.
One day, a six year old blonde came up to her mother and said: "When I grow up, I want to be a Hillary Duff, she's amazing!" lol, only a blonde would say that.
What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To go to the other side! Why did the Mexican Chicken cross the Border? To get to the U.S.
What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry Martinez.
If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? K9P.
What goes oh oh oh? Santa walking backwards
How do you make the number 1 disappear? Add a "g" to it and it's "gone"
How does the barber cut the moon's hair? E-clipse it
Why did the blond cross the road? I don't know. Neither did he.
Did you hear about the blonde who went shopping for lip-gloss just so she could pass the make-up exam?
What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg? Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Why is revenge sweet, but payback is a b*tch?
Age 1: You don't piddle in your pants Age 4: You can walk without help Age 21: You can drive Age 60: You can drive Age 70: You can walk without help Age 80: You don't piddle in your pants
90 percent of people in Idaho say, "Oh shit!" when in a car wreck, The other ten percent say, "Hold my beer and watch this shit!"
Santa:Oye, you know once, when I was very young, I jumped from the 20th floor of a building. Banta: Then what happened? Did you survived or die? Santa replied: "Oye, I forgot, that was years ago".
Why did Tom throw butter outside the window? Because he wanted to see the butter-fly.
Yo momma so fat, when she get in the elevator, u know, its Goin Down! (does motorcyle dance)
Something to text to your friendz The police found a body with no brain, fucked up teeth, a small dick, and a swollen asshole Just called to make sure you are okay I was worried
What happens when a lion roars? Tom n Jerry starts!
Baby Brother Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother says, "Heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "Geez, I can see why they threw him out."
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
What's the most dangerous insect? The hepatitis bee.
a = b, b = c, a = c. Math Teacher: If a = b and b = c then a = c. Now give me the practical example of this principle from real life. Student: I love you, sir, and you love your daughter, which means I love your daughter.
Then there was the dyslexic robber who held up the bank with a gnu.
How do you confuse a frog? Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner. How does a frog confuse you? When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better!
What is the difference between you and a ho? The ho is smarter.
Yo momma is so fat when she got into the UPS truck they had to change the name to DOWNS
What breaks up a redneck orgy? When mom and dad/uncle arrive home too soon.
You might be a redneck if you carry more than two extra tires in the back of your truck.
You might be a redneck if you were married in a laundromat.
You might be a redneck if you eat cotton candy more than three times a week.
You might be a redneck if the only thing you inherited from your father was alcoholism.
You might be a redneck if both you and your wife wore ponytails on your wedding day.
You might be a redneck if there is a four-wheeler parked in your bedroom.
You might be a redneck if you think that "home security" means taking the front steps to your trailer with you when you leave the house.
You might be a redneck if your bar tab has page numbers.
You might be a redneck if you constantly call the feed and seed store to see if the cat has had her kittens yet.
You might be a redneck if your father-in-law said that you had no class, so you spit at him.
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of 'COINCIDENCE?'" STUDENT: "Sir, my mother and my father got married on the same day, same time."
Teacher: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots ! Student: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home
Game Set Match = Tennis Set Match Run = Arson
Yo momma so fat that when someone asked her for her weight, he replied with, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number."
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
How you get rid of grey hairs: 1. Dye all your hair the color grey. 2. Shave your head. 3. Now you have no grey hairs.
Yo Momma's so stupid, that I told her to do the robot, and damn! Now R2-D2 got AIDS!
Which dog doesn't have a tail? Hot dogs, of course.
Q: If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... A: Does that mean that one enjoys it?
On the other hand you have five fingers.
Some people have friends who are dwarfs, not me I have a friend who is a midget dwarf. He is the guy who poses for the sport trophys
Women like silent men - they think they're listening.
And then there was the glass-blower who got hiccups and made 764 marbles.
Do you know what to say when someone is trying to roast you? "Sorry, but my brain doesn't interpret stupid."
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?" Billy: "No comb, Sir." Teacher: "Use your dad's then." Billy: "No hair, Sir."
Yo Momma's so old, she babysat Yoda!!
Little Tommy was telling his friend Billy all about his Christmas presents. "My daddy bought me a mouth organ. It's the best present I've ever had." "Why?" "Because my mummy gives me extra money every week if I don't play it."
Man: Why do you have a steering wheel in your crotch? Other Man: My wife was driving me nuts
I invented a cure for amnesia - but I've forgotten what it is!
Yo momma's so fat that her roller blades went flat.
Sorry I'm late... I had to walk down stairs... since yo momma took up the entire elevator and it broke.
1. Chuck Norris beat the brick wall in tennis. 2. The boogy man does not wait for chuck norris, Chuck Norris waits for the boogy man.
One employee asked another, "How long have you been working here?" The second said, "Ever since the boss threatened to fire me!"
This is true! In a speech George W. Bush made in 2001 he concluded: But all in all, my wife and I have had a wonderful year! (2001 was the year that the Twin Towers were destroyed)
How can you tell the difference between a blonde and a red head? Hair color.
How do you get pikachu on a bus? You pokemon.
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig? Jurassic pork!
One man solved his problem of too many visiting relatives by borrowing money from the rich ones and loaning it to the poor ones.
What's the difference between the Library of Congress and the House of Representatives? In the Library of Congress you're not allowed to lick the pages!
A teenage boy with spiked hair, a nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them."
Two fat men took part in a marathon. One ran in short bursts, and the other ran in burst shorts.
A fat woman and a slim woman were both smoking cigarettes; which one finished hers first? The fat woman - she takes bigger draws.
We all know that Hilary Duff dyed her hair blonde, but the turning point when she actually BECAME a blonde was in a song she wrote. It was the following: "When the light is off then it isn't on." From the song "So Yesterday."
Don't think of yourself as a zero, think of yourself as the number below one.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy!
Knock-Knock Who's there? Idaho. Idaho who? I da hoe!!!
A man hated the Trojans. He loved USC. Why? He hated using Trojan condoms. He wanted to have sex the o'natural way.
Why did Richard Nixon become President? Everyone called him Dick! They judged him by his name!
How do you know when you've had enough sex? When you die from AIDS!
"This storm is bad," Bob thundered.
A book never written: Becoming a Better Artist by N.O. Creativity
A book never written: L.O.L. (lots o' logs) by P. Lumyum
A book never written: Yellow Rivers by L. O. Tsoftea
A teacher is telling her class she has two words that will not be allowed to use. Teacher: There are two words which I will never let you use. One is gross and the other is cool. Student: So what are the words?
How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb? The whole team - and they each get a semester scholarship for it.
Here is a book never written. Extinction is Distinction by Dinah Soar
What bird can't fly as high as you can jump? A bird in a cage.
Which candles burn longer, the candles on a girl's cake or a boy's cake? No candles burn longer. They all burn shorter.
A blonde goes into a newsagent's office and asks for her usual paper. The newsagent says, "Did you know your paper is going to cost more from tomorrow?" "In that case, I'd better buy ten more of today's!"
Yo momma is so dumb I told her to do an essay and she went and fucked a mexican...
How many George Walter Bushes does it take to change a lightbulb? Luckily, only 2. The world can't handle many more idiots.
How do you tell when a lawyer is well-hung? When you can't fit your fingers between the rope and his throat.
How many Microsoft Employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they'll just make darkness the new industry standard!
What does playing the bagpipes and throwing a javelin blind-folded have in common? You don't have to be very good at either to get a lot of peoples' attention.
Does anyone know why I have nightmares? Because the last man that had a "dream" got shot.
1) In Bettendorf, it is illegal for liquor stores to place advertisements for beer outside the store. 2)In Mount Vernon, a person first must obtain written permission from the City Council before throwing bricks into a highway.
A good marriage would be between a blind woman, and a deaf man.
Wal-mart is planning on opening fifty new stores in areas that are blighted. Ironically, the official definition of blighted is what happens to an area when Wal-mart opens a store nearby.
Jack: Why did you name your pig Paris Hilton? Jill: She's always trying to hog up all the attention.
Yo dadda liked women until he saw yo momma.
This is funny
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Henny Youngman
Why does a dog have fur? 'Cause if he didn't he'd be a little "bare"!
What's the difference between a black man and a large pizza? -------------- a large pizza can feed a family of four What do sperm and black men have in common? -------------- only one in a million work!!
What do you call a drive-by shooting in Chinatown? A cappuchino.
Yo momma's so stupid, when you asked her for an evening gown, she came back with a night dress!
How many snobby girls does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them, they try, break a nail, and come crying home.
What's a bunny's favorite type of dance? Hip Hop!
Where do whales go to get their teeth checked? To the orcadontis!
Why was Johnny's math book sad? It had too many problems!
One day after a birthday party at the jumper house, a young blond told her mother: Mommy, Mommy, I'm soooooo generous! When I was about to go into the jumpers, I found so many shoes and took them to the lost and found! Aren't I soooooo generous?
Hey this is not a joke. Just submit a full smiley just for the heck of it. Wouldn't it be weird if the top joke wasn't even a joke? So please, just give it a full smiley. If you think this is just stupid, then, please give this crap a zero smiley.
Joe: What are you doing? John: Taxes. Joe: Why? John: Because I have to...... Joe: That's stupid. I did mine over a year ago.
A guy was walking around town with a frog growing out of his head. Another man walks up to him and ask him, "What happened to you?" The frog answered, "Well, it started as a wart on my ass."
Knock- Knock Who's There? Kenya Kenya Who? Kenya eat me out?
Bob: I'm going to go ride my spaceship. Jack: What's a spaceship? Bob: Dunno, I'll go invent it.
Two jackrabbits are running from a pack of coyotes they manage to hide under a cactus. One says to the other: "Should we run for it, or wait till we outnumber 'em?"
A lovely young lady named Kim Went down to the river to swim A man in a punt Stuck an oar in her eye And now she has to wear glasses.
How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
A young boy asks his dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son; that's confidential!"
jkfsh
"Did you hear that TGI Fridays is opening a new restaurant?" "Yeah, it's called WTF Mondays."
Why did the blonde dance in front of the traffic light? Because she thought she was in a disco.
Girl: "Have you ever been caught been wearing your mother's bra? Boy: "No!" Girl: "So you have worn them but not been caught?"
The GOP Congress will re-introduce drilling for oil in the Arctic. Republicans say the environmental effect is minimal; a study shows caribou do not make campaign contributions.
Joe: Hey Frank, what do you call an Iraqi on a plane? Frank: Hmm, terrorist bomber? Hell on air? Death on two wings? Joe: No, a pilot you racist!
Bob: Did you get the tickets? Fred: What tickets? Bob: To the Gun Show! Well, let's see now, I think they're both pretty good, but...this one has it!
Bob: How do you keep a turkey in suspense? Willie: I dunno. Bob: I'll tell you later...
Ah...all the good things we get out of electricity: the T.V., computer, coffee machine, lights, and much more. What happens when the electricity goes out? You stop complaining that you can't watch T.V. or send an E-mail, and go buy battery-powered things!
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.
I knocked several times, but you weren't in. - Opportunity
If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education!
Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end.
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
A student said to Professor Stigler: "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
From Harper's Magazine: Amount of pizza eaten each day in U.S. (acres): 75.
On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.
Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."
This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said: All signs metric - Next 20 miles.
Knock-Knock Who's There. Pick up. Pick up Who? Pick up your truck and I'll grab the money.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
Don't lend people money...it gives them amnesia.
A boy comes home from school saying, "3rd grade math has way bigger numbers than 2nd grade!" His dad replies, "Don't worry, when you start getting a paycheck they get smaller again."
If you use your rollaway tool box for your bedroom dresser. If you are afraid to mow your lawn because you might find out where Grandma's been for the last two months.
All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Yo momma's so ugly when she walks in a room mice jump on chairs!
Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty of it.
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
It's not what you say, but the way you say it. On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes." The girl was very flattered. What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."
One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.
Policeman: "When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, `fifty-five at least.'" Woman driver: "Well, you are a long way off! It's this hat that makes me look so old!"
There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything you know.
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? - G. Gordon Liddy
You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes.
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.
Four teenagers were arrested in the parking lot of a large mall in Lakeland, Fla. just before Christmas. In an attempt to steal an automobile at random, they tried to break into a police van containing three officers on a stakeout.
The song, "Yankee Doodle" was originally sung by British soldiers to insult the colonialists (which was typical of the British in those days). The Continental Army took to singing it to annoy the British (which was typical of the colonialists).
So, what did one Bowling pin say to the other Bowling pin? ............................ Hey, you're a knock out!
Did you hear about the magic car? It turned into a driveway!
How many Price Chopper employees does it take to wash a table? Three; one to wash it and two to supervise.
If I'm canoeing up a tree, how many cupcakes does it take to get to the moon? None, since vests don't have sleeves.
How many Hubluzas does it take to screw in a lightbulb? There is no lightbulb!
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
As the plane was flying low over hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?" "Just snow," replied the stewardess. "That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
Buy company, fire them. Beware of machine guns.
Good friends are the ones who will bail you out of jail. But... TRUE friends are the ones who wil be sitting next to you in prison and say, "You know, we sure messed up there, buddy!"
How does a sperm bank treat its donors? On a first come, first serve basis.
Yo momma is so fat and so pale white, when they landed on her they said "This is one small step for man, and one fat leap for mankind!"
A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. "Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman. "Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice. "You're under 21," replies the barman.
Why did the cow cross the street? To get to the udder side!
What do you call a one-legged lady? Eileen!
Which animal has no teeth? A gummy bear!
Yo momma's so stupid she tried to drown a fish.
How can you tell an elephant from an ant? An ant is easier to pick up!
How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day? She has her tampon behind her ear and she cant find her pencil!
Why do bald men put holes in their pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair!
Q: How do you know when a blonde is on her period? A: She only has on one sock!
How did the aliens hurt the farmer? They trod on his corn.
Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offense. "You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty days' pay," said the officer. "All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
Astronomers were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang. Apparently, that sound was "Uh oh."
Kid: Mom, can i get the hot lunch tomorrow? Mom: What are they serving? Kid: Swiss steak. Pleeeeeease? Mom: Okay! Okay! I didn't know you liked Swiss steak so much. Kid: Oh, yeah! It sticks to the ceiling WAY better than the lasagna.
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
What do you get when you cross an eagle with a jeep and a dog? A flying car-pet!
Nine cats were on a boat. One jumped off. How many were left? None. They were all copy-cats!
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting larger. Then it hit me...
Why was the fish expelled from school? He was caught with seaweed!
When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.
Why did the tent agree to stand up all night? He was roped into it!
Why did the big knot give the little knot a time-out? It was being knotty!
Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?" Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't."
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
What do you call a nun that becomes an attorney? Sister in law!
An old man saw a very tired infantryman resting after a hard foot march. The man said with disdain: "When I was of your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile hike." "Well, I don't think much of it either," replied the GI.
How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? Into what?
Two maggots were playing billiards. One says, "I'm bored." The other replies, "Beats fishing."
Why can't a dalmatian puppy hide from his mom? 'Cause he's already been spotted!
Haiku are funny But sometimes they don't make sense Refrigerator
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
To keep your marriage brimming With love in the marriage cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up. - Nash
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it turned itself in.
Five policemen were on a boat. The boat sank. How many policemen died? 10 - five during the accident, and five during the re-enactment.
How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs? None. He fell.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
A father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light, where it wasn't allowed. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" he said. "That's OK, Dad," his son replied. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.
Q: What is the mating call of a blonde? A: "I'm drunk!"
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. "Here," he said to the waitress, holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?" "Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked.
Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock." She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a child!" He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by eleven."
What does NASCAR stand for? Non Athletic Sport Created Around Rednecks
Did you hear about the woman who had sex with a donkey? Apparently she liked an ass.
How many dicks can a redneck girl take at a time? It depends on how many brothers she has.
Yo Mama is so poor she eats cereal with a fork to save milk.
Why do the Arkansas cheerleaders wear bibs? To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
Why don't politicians ever consider being gynocologists? They would have to deal with too much Bush every day!
Q. What do elfs learn while in school? A. The elfabet!
Knock-knock.. Who's there? Panther.... Panther who? Panth-er no panth I'm goin' thwimmin'!
A man stumbles into his house after a night of drinking and is greeted by his very angry wife. "What's the big idea of coming home half drunk?" she yells. "I'm sorry, honey, but I ran out of money," he mutters.
This really happened (honest!) A bunch of very young girls arrived at our door at Halloween. My Mum, being friendly, asked them whereabouts they lived, because she hadn't seen them before. They replied, "We live quite near here, where do you live?"
There was a child who came back from school one day with loads of cuts and bruises and his bike broken. The concerned mother asked him what had happened. So, the child says "Well, when the fridge landed on me..."
This really happened (honest!) A man was receiving death threats from another man, so he took him to court. The judge threw the case out on the basis that "the threats obviously hadn't been carried out." Really, how stupid can you get?
A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed. The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer. "Would you hold my hand?"
There was a blond walking down the street, and she saw an empty coke can on the floor. So she picked it up and handed it to lost property.
Yo momma so fat, she ate 100 cakes yesterday and got thinner.
Chapstick is selling a new product in England. It is the regular Chapstick with Viagra added to the formula. Englishmen like it because it helps them keep a stiff upper lip.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a quiet smoke. Jack returned with lung cancer and Jill a fatal stroke.
A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker. "I win!" said Johnson. Henderson threw down his cards. "That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!" "How can you tell?" Phillips asked. "Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"
If four people are standing under an umbrella and the umbrella has a hole in it, how many people are getting wet? None. It wasn't raining!
When you have a fat friend, there are no seesaws, just catapults.
What you don't want to hear on an aeroplane: "You can't leave us now Captain, not at this stage!"
Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox? A: About five drinks.
Why is it dangerous to go in the jungle after 5 p.m? Because elephants jump out of trees after 5 p.m. Why do beavers have flat tails? Because they go in the jungle after 5 p.m!
Is the reason they make oriental flavored noodles for Americans to get back at them for eating our dogs?
The Blonde walked into a bar. The Brunette used the door. The redhead actually OPENED the door, and the Asian actually WENT THROUGH the door.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: SSCCRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH...thump. We shall never know...
Yo mama so dirty that she was banned from a sewage facility because of sanitation worries!
Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink? A: To a crow bar.
With what kind of bread do elves make their sandwiches? Shortbread!
365.25 days on a low-calorie diet - 1 lite year
Clones are people two.
Yo momma so stupid she copied someone in an exam and got less than them.
What's the hardest thing about rollerblading? Telling your parents that you are gay.
When the media askes George Bush a question about the war he says, "Uhh, Can I use a life line?"
Marriage "Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" - Rita Rudner
"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends." - Scott Ostler
"While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was." - Unknown
So I said to the taxi driver, "King Arthur's Close." He said, "Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights." - Tommy Cooper.
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said, "It depends where you're calling from."
I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter. - Tommy Cooper
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown - and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else.
Joseph, Mary and their son were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, "Did you call me?" "No, I'm sorry," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer again."
Abraham wanted to put Windows Vista on his computer, but Isaac was concerned: "But father, we don't have enough memory for that!" "Don't worry, son, God will provide the RAM."
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
"If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits."
How can you be sad when you are at the Sunshine Happiness Parade of Friendly Friends?
Redneck Threats: - I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtalk style. - This'll jar your preserves. - Don't you be making' me open a can o' whoop-ass on yaw!
Redneck Compliments - Cute as a sack full of puppies. - If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it. - Gooder than grits.
Why is Alabama the smartest state in the U.S.? It has four "A"s and a "B".
If you think I'm a redneck tell that to my kids: Bobby Sue, Buck, Jim Bob, Bubba, Enus, Jed, Dwayne, Billy Bob, Clitus, Dale, Otis, Coy, Bo, Hattie, Cooter, Wade, Larlene, Clint, Delmont and Luther.
People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death?"
Carton of eggs~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ $3 Ski mask~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ $14 Tickets to a Brittany concert~~~~~~ $84 Egging the crap out of America's Pop Princess?? PRICELESS
What do you call a group of Jew baritones and sopranos singing? Soap opera.
Back in the days of old, Before condoms were invented, Knights wrapped socks Around their cocks, And babies were prevented.
A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," the defendant replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant, "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.
Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
When a girl needs advice, why can't her brother help her? Because he can't be a brother and assist her too. (And a sister too!)
Why shouldn't you take a Pokemon in the shower with you? Answer: Because it'll Pikachu! (peek at you...)
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
What's the difference between a bird and a fly? Well, a bird can fly . . .
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. Sam Goldwyn.
Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"
What does the dentist of the year get? ..A little plaque.
Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. It's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark. Don't worry about me...
How can a person living in Minnesota be buried in Milwaukee?
I passed my ethics exam. Naturally, I cheated.
A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" "That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."
An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old-fashioned. I wouldn't be surprised if this tree gave you less than twenty pounds of apples." "Wouldn't surprise me, either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree."
The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.
Any time four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Don't argue with an idiot. He may be doing the same thing.
Do not try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt.
Knowledge cannot enter the head via an open mouth.
Astronomy is looking up.
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to fine art.
Join the fight against brutality.
Helen Waite is our credit manager. If you want credit, go to Helen Waite.
Why isn't there a tax on stuff I DON'T like?
As a shepherd you herd your sheep into your barn. As you walk away you hear two wolves in the barn. What do you do? I would get the flock out of there!
The following is something actually said by my dad. I wanted to see what my dad would say if I said I might be gay, here was his reaction. YOU'D BETTER NOT BE!! EVEN IF I HAVE TO BUY YOU SOME PUSSY, YOU WILL NOT BE GAY!!!!!!
Marble is a valuable building material and should not be taken for granite.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
I learned French in six easy liasons.
When a man wants to believe something, it doesn't take much to convince him.
Earlier today, I took a glimpse at the news. They were doing a report on a new recipe for twinkies. Now they will taste healthier, but still have the same amount of calories, because of course, people can taste health.
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. - Socrates (470 - 399 BC)
The Democratic National Committee finally released thousands of pages of financial disclosure information. Says Vince Vieceli, "Unfortunately, they released them from a third-floor balcony in New York during the parade for the Yankees."
(Told You So)
"Do you want me to give you a knuckle sandwich?" "Sure, but I want it cut into triangles and with the crust peeled off."
Seems Paris Hilton is having visits from a speech therapist - she's having trouble finishing a sentence!
Grocery List; (noun) A piece of paper you spend half an hour writing, and then forget to take with you to the store.
Lipstick; (noun) On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear!
Foreign Film Any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn't a western.
Battle Where a whole lot of white men kill a few Indians. Massacre Where a whole lot of Indians kill a few white men.
Magazine Bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
If Henry IV were cloned, would he be Henry V, or Henry IV Jr. or, would he be Henry IV Part II? (Willy Wagstaff, more usually known as William Shakespeare)
Another Month Ends: All Targets Met, All Systems Working, All Customers Satisfied, All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic, All Pigs Fed and Ready to Fly.
If I travelled to the end of the rainbow, As Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me, The pot's at the other end.
An elephant is talking to a hippopotamus, and the elephant says, "You know, there's nothing worse than a cold in the nose." The hippo says, "Oh yeah? Did you never have chapped lips?"
"Cleanliness is next to Godliness" Why do they say that? I looked it up in the dictionary, "goggles" is next to "godliness"; cleanliness is next to claustrophobia.
What sits on a window sill, hums, and dies mysteriously 91 days after you bring it home? - An air conditioner with a 90 day warranty.
Why do melons get married in church? - Because they cantaloupe.
There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving. They'd be wrong, but you could still use them.
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law - A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Murphy's Law of Cable TV If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
Remember the Golden Rule He who has the gold makes the rules.
Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it any more.
Just when you find something you really like, they stop making it.
Prudhomme's Law of Window Washing It's on the OTHER side.
President Bush toured parts of Missouri that were devastated by a recent tornado. There was one awkward moment, when the President looked at the tornado damage and said, "Don't worry, we're going to get whoever did this."
1. Aquariums + Gratitude = FISH THANKS! 2. Orange Bear + A Ghost = WINNIE THE BOO! 3. Saint Nick + A Grizzly Bear = Santa Claws! 4. Skunk + Kangaroo = STINK-A-ROO!
People who want to inform you of their religious views almost never want to hear yours.
Anybody can win. Unless, of course, there happens to be a second entry.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
A person soon learns how little he knows when a child begins to ask questions.
The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
All things are possible - except skiing through a revolving door.
How can you tell if a redneck is married? There are tobacco stains on both sides of his pickup.
A 6'4" man hit a midget in the rear while at a red light. The midget gets out of his car and comes up to the man and says, "I'm NOT happy!" and the man replied, "Which one are you, then?"
A bachelor asked his friend to find him the perfect mate: "I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities." Without thinking, his friend replied: "Marry a penguin."
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. - W. C. Fields.
My grandson is four and can recite the whole Gettysburg Address. Abraham Lincoln couldn't do it until he was fifty-four. - Sam Levenson.
Quick - Cheap - Good Pick 2. - Dennis Robertus.
America is a land of untold wealth. - Internal Revenue Service.
John always bullied Pat, so Pat invited him to the meat factory. The next day, on the menu at McDonalds, there was a new thing called: Bully Big Mac, and John french fries.
Three gay guys where swiming in a pool, some white stuff floats to the top, and one of the gay guys screams, "Alright, who farted!"
What is a Mexican's favorite sport!? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Cross Country
Yo momma is so poor, she hangs the toilet paper out to dry!
What do you call a woman with no asshole? Divorced.
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt. - Abraham Lincoln.
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Alva Edison.
A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat". - Steven Wright.
"Do you like the new car Alice and I just bought?" Tom asked onerously.
Why shouldn't you tell a secret around a clock? Because time will tell.
Want to hear a really big joke? JOKE!
Want to hear a backwards joke? ekoj
What starts with 'P' and ends in 'orn' : Popcorn
What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl? A cock that stays up all night!
The next time you are having a bad day, imagine this: You are a Siamese Twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder is gay. You are not. He has a date coming over tonight. You only have one ass.
SPERM 1: Are we EVER going to reach the egg? SPERM 2: Stop moaning, we've only just passed the tonsils.
What's the differance between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The Taste...
Did you hear about the eyeglasses maker who moved his shop to an island off Alaska and is now known as an optical Aleutian?
What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge.
Four gay guys walk into a gay bar and they find a problem. There's only one stool left. One guy says "Lets flip for it" But another says "No, Lets flip it over"
Knock, Knock Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No, silly! Cows go moo!
In North England: 'mornin' In West England : How ya doin' In India : Get up you lazy chit. Don't you need to go to work ?
Your phone's network is changing plan. The uglier you are the cheaper your calls. From now on all your calls will be free.
You might be a teacher if you have an overwhelming urge to nod and say, "Now I understand why your kid is the way he/she is," after meeting the parents.
How are a bowling ball and a sorority girl alike? You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they'll always come back.
There's a fella in a fast-food outlet, and he's just received his order of 7 hot-dogs, 9 Big Macs and 6 large Cokes. The counterhand says, "Would you like a tray?" The customer replies, "Steady on, haven't I got enough to carry already?"
Q: Why are cannibals such great improvs? A: They keep feeding off each other.
Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. The guitarist holds the bulb and the world revolves around him!
Q: Why do blondes smile when lightning strikes? A: They think they're getting their photo taken.
If you are in darkness, then pray to God. If you are still in darkness, then go and pay your electricity bill......
Get to the ledge of the plane. Then, you will do the following: 1.Squat 2.Pray 3.Leap 4.AHHHH! (It's what you scream on the way down, isn't it?) 5.Touchdown Yes sir, thats S...P...L...A...T In other words, SPLAT!
Just when you are finally happy with your life and eveything going on in your life.... You get married and ruin it!
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. Copper is a brown-red color, correct? This is scientific evidence to back up blonde jokes!
Hopeless Romantic. Seeking: Filthy Whore
I saw this sign in a bar a few years ago. A camel can go eight days without a drink - but who the hell wants to be a camel.
Fool me once shame on you Fool me twice shame on me Fool me thrice you are not nice Fool me four times and I am gonna cap your sorry ass.
What is black and red? An ape going down a hill!
You never know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. But if you walked a mile in their shoes wouldn't their feet get cold?
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".
Q. How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French? A. I give up.
Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? A. Nobody knows. It's never been tried.
Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? A. The French Army.
Q. Why was the Chunnel built under the English Channel? A. So the French government could to flee to London.
Q: Did you hear about the new French tanks? A: They have 5 gears...4 in reverse, and one forward gear just in case they're attacked from behind!
Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
Q: Why do they have trees in Paris? A: So the Germans can march in the shade instead of the sun.
Q: Why is good to be French? A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you.
Q: What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army? A: To say "I surrender" in German
Why was Jesus not born in France? Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts? They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks . . . They are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.
Q: Where are the brave French soldiers buried? A: There aren't any so they had to bury some of ours on their soil.
We're here on the airport, where a group of people have just arrived after being stranded on an island for more than a year.
You're so ugly... that when your mom dropped you off on the curb for school, she got fined for littering.
My friend said, "Can I hang out with you?" I replied in a choking voice, "I have a spare noose in the closet."
Once a bird pooped on me, so I threw it back.
"Michael Vick shouldn't go to jail for dog fighting." "Why? It's a crime." "Well, it's one thing to fight your friends or someone at a bar, but it's your dog. You should be able to fight him if he gets in your face." "What?"
"I started a new band called The Chimes" "What kind of band?" "Acapella Ska" "What do you play?" "Drums"
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Kentucky Fried was on the side he was leaving from.
What do you get when two blonds fight? A Stupid Fight.
How did the parasite cross the road? It hopped on the chicken!
What's better than roses on your piano?? Tulips on your organ! (two-lips)
Post rejected Braingle brain teasers here.
I once heard a cretin tell his friend that all cretins are liars! Did he lie though?
A lawyer goes in to the cell where his client is being held. "Okay, I've some bad news, and some good news." "Right, what's the bad news?" "It's DEFINITELY your blood at the scene of the crime." "So what's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is way down!"
A boy was working on circumferences for homework when his mother came in and said, "Do you want some pie?" The boy replied, "Sure." So the mother was saying "3.141592..." over and over and then said, "Want some ratio?"