corrade-lsl-templates – Rev 15
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Amy: Yesterday I saw a man in the mall with very long arms. Every time he went up the stairs he would step on them. Bob: Wow... He stepped on his arms? Amy: No. On the STAIRS!
Question: If the world was a jacket where would the people from the ghetto go? Answer:In da Hood!
You Might Be a Redneck if you have a pond full of gasoline and a car wreck in the bottom of it.
Why don't niggers like dirt bikes? Because when it starts, it says: "Run nigga nigga run."
Go to this website ... I know some people might say that this isn't a joke, but it's really funny if you go to the website. Trust me. http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html It doesn't have any viruses.
Go to this website ... I know some people might say that this isn't a joke, but it's really funny if you go to the website. Trust me. It doesn't have any viruses. http://home.comcast.net/~wolfand/
A smart blonde, a leprachaun and a fairy were in an elevator together talking about something, but whatever they were talking about was not true because there is no such thing as a leprechaun or a fairy or a smart blonde.
Mom: How did you do on your history test? Kid: Not good. Mom: Why? Kid: They asked me things that happened before I was born!
Why don't elephants smoke? Their butts don't fit in the ash tray
Q: Why did the condom fly across the room A: It was pissed off!!
What does a horny ghost say to scare people? BOO...BS!
What's the difference between a wife and a prostitute? Prostitute is cheaper!
I am sure everyone has heard the saying "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Well, I have improved on this saying so that it applies to my life, and here it is. "If it ain't broke, it ain't ours!"
Yo momma is so fat, she joined MySpace and there was no room for anyone else. Yo momma is so fat, she tried uploading her picture to a computer, but the C: Drive filled up.
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said, "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied, "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
You're so covered in dirt that if you wanted to eat a tootsie roll, you'd have to wear white gloves to keep from biting your finger!
1. A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless you're a diabetic!!!!! 2. People who live in glass houses should have sex in their basements!!!
Boy(howling): A crab just bit my toe! Father: Which one? Boy: How should I know?!?!?! All crabs look alike to me!!
'How long will the next bus be?' 'About eighteen feet.'
Teacher: Can you name four animals of the cat family? Mary:Mother cat,Father cat,and two kittens.
Doctor: Mrs Smith, you have acute angina. Mrs. Smith: I came here to be examined, not admired.
Teacher: If you found five pence in one pocket and ten pence in the other,what would you have? Willy: Somebody else's trousers.
Jesus walks into an inn puts 3 nails on the counter and asks, "Can you put me up for the night?"
What kind of triangle is never wrong??? A right triangle!!!!!!!
What kind of trouble does a five foot man have??? Five feet!!!
Yo Momma's so fat she's fatter than you
Q: What is a cat's favorite game? A: Go Fish!
Yo momma is so dark, she's not afraid of the dark, the dark is afraid of her.
Yo mama is so stupid, on Halloween she looked ouside the window and said, "Oh, no!" and called the Ghost Busters.
Your momma is so fat, your dad rolled on her and never came off.
Yo Momma is so fat, the only reason she wanted to go to space was to taste the Milky Way.
Where do fish keep their money? In a riverbank!
What do you call a a bunch of fish swimming in the sky?? A High School!!!
Yo momma so fat and stupid that I told her to show me a pushup and she brought me one from the Ice Cream Man.
Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the middle ages as the dark ages? Betty: Because they had so many knights.
Q: When is a black dog not a black dog? A: When its a grey hound.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears? No, how was that? He had a right ear,a left ear,and a wild frontier.
Where do the monsters go when they lose a hand? To the second-hand shop.
What is the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful is against the law. Illegal is a sick bird.
Farmer: This is a dogwood tree. Cityman: How can you tell? Farmer: By its bark
Knock, knock. Who's there? Isabel. Isabel who? Is-a-bel ringing? I thought I heard one.
Yo mama so fat, when she breast-fed you, you drank bacon grease.
What did Puffy say when Ben asked him about J-LO ? "Take that, take that"
How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Wizards don't use lightbulbs!
What math term tells what acorns say when they are a tree??? Geometry!! (Geo-m-e-try) (Gee I'm a tree)
Your dad is Santa Claus and your mom is A HO HO HO!
-Knock Knock! -Who's there? -You know. -You know who? -Thats right, avada kedavra!
I love it when you go down on me... you relieve so much tension and stress... but when you're making me feel really good, you come back up... Stupid gas prices...
The other day I went to a zoo, but the only animal there was a dog. It was a shihtzu.
Yo momma's so fat she should get cingular on her stomach so she can get rollover minutes.
Paddy:- "Hello, is that 77 77 77? Can you call 911, my finger is stuck in the 7"
Why should you have only one egg for breakfast? Because un oeuf is enough!
Joe: Do you know the difference between a chicken and lettuce? Jill: No. Joe: Remind me not to send you to the supermarket!
Buck Fush
I don't believe in reincarnation, which is strange, because in a previous existence, I did.
You used to have two brains. One you lost a long time ago, and the other one went looking for it!
Yo Momma's so poor she had to save up to pay attention!
Q: how many men does it take to screw in a light bulb A: 3, one to screw in the light bulb an 2 to listen to him brag about the "srewing" part
Teacher: Whats usually used as the conductor of electricity? Orville: Why-er.... Teacher: Correct, wire. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power? Orville: The what? Teacher: That's absolutely right, the watt.
Teacher: Oscar, if you had five pieces of candy, and Joey asked for one, how many would you have left? Oscar: Five.
Teacher: If you stood with your back to the north and faced due south, what would be on your left hand? Lisa: Fingers
Waiter, why is my food all mushed up? -Well, you did ask me to step on it. Waiter, these eggs are bad. -Don't blame me. I only laid the table. Waiter, is there soup on my menu? -No, I wiped it off.
Whats faster than a speeding bullet, more powerfull than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings and has a carpark? Super market
There is a very simple way to explain the theory of mind over matter. Once you lose you mind, nothing matters.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man with face in toilet is shit faced. Man who fools around with neighbour's wife at wrong time of month get caught red handed. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!
A complex is a phobia. A complex is a large building. A complex is another word for complicated. So if you have a phobia about complicated large buildings, you might be said to have a complex complex complex.
Billy: i know a person who is 35 and still in 4th grade! Eddie: Really! who? Billy: My teacher!
It must suck being a penis because- 1. Your best friends are nuts 2. Your closest neighbour is an asshole 3. You vomit when you're excited 4. Your owner abuses you And if you're in the mood- 5. You work double-duty on Tuesday.
What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall? Dam!
yo mamma is so thin when she turns sidways she dissapears
How do the chinese get their names? Their parents kick a can down the street... ching chang chung bing....
What do you say to a blonde who looks stupid in her ear muffs? Anything you want! She cant hear you! P.S. no offence to blondes!
What did the fish say when he crashed into a wooden wall? Beaver damn!
What do you do if you find your old man staggering around the backyard? Shoot him again!!!
Your face is so ugly, we're going to war over it.
Q: What's a pick up line in a gay bar?? A: Would you like me to push your stool in?
Your face is so oily, we're going to war over it.
your mom is like paris hilton ... a dirty whore
Why didn't the chicken cross the road? To prove he was chicken!
Yo momma is so poor, when I went to her house to use the bathroom, she told me to pick a corner.
Your floor is so dirty, I stepped inside and said "Nice carpet." You said, "Man, those are cockroaches!"
One time I went school shopping... AND BOUGHT THREE SCHOOLS!!!
Yo momma is so cheap, she went to McDonalds and put a hamburger on lay-away.
Yo momma's breath smells so bad, her teeth packed up and left.
If you work without a shirt on, and so does your husband, you might be a redneck.
one of my friends was in trouble because he had sex with his teacher, but the bad part is he's home schooled
Yo momma is so stupid, she jumped out the window and fell up.
Yo momma is so fat, I got stuck in her shadow.
Bloke stayed up all night, wondering where the sun had gone; then it dawned on him.
Q:How many egotists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A:Just one. He holds up the lightbulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
My home town is so small, we have part-time village idiot.
Yo momma is like a lollipop, she is round and has been licked by everyone
Yo momma is so stupid, she thought Fruit Punch was a gay boxer
Yo Momma is so dumb, she was on her way to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left" so she turned around and went home
Yo Momma is so stupid, she has a peep hole in the glass door!
Yo momma is so short, she stepped in a puddle and drowned.
Yo momma is so poor, she has never seen 50 cent--and ! ain't talkin about the rapper!
Yo momma is so poor, she reuses her toilet paper.
Yo momma is so fat, on her drivers' license it says, "picture continued onto other side."
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
Yo momma is so stupid, she thinks N*SYNC is where the dirty dishes are put.
Yo momma is so hunchbacked, she has to wear safety goggles when she pees.
Yo momma is so fat, she wore an X-Files T-shirt and a helicopter landed on her.
Yo momma is so stupid, she got fired from an M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.
Yo momma is so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
Yo momma is so fat, she fell over trying to rock herself to sleep and couldn't get back up.
Yo Momma is so ugly, she had to trick-or-treat over the phone.
Yo momma so dumb she asked for a price check at the .99 cent store!
What do you call a lonely fisherman? A Master-Baiter
Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A: A collie-flower!
Teacher: I hope I didn't see you copying the test from your friend. Student: I hope you didn't either
What do you call an elephant chasing a cat? Depends on what his name is.....
Jr: This year I failed every class except biology. Mary: How did you do that? Jr: Easy, I didn't take biology
Q: What did one arithmetic book say to the other? A: I have a lot of problems.
I heard some guys talking about you yesterday. One said that you weren't fit to sleep with pigs, but I stuck up for you; I said you were!
What's green and turns red at the touch of a button? A frog in a liquidizer!
Money may not grow on trees, but it would seem as if morons like you certainly do.
How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Pour petrol on him and set him on fire, and he'll go "WOOF"!
Your Mom's so old that she was alive when the Raiders had both eyes.
Life is like a dick... when it gets hard fuck it!
Many of the trees and rainforests are being cut down. So in effort the B.H.O.A. made a slogan, Save a tree Burn a bush Bush as in former president
Yo momma is so fat, it takes 20 navy ships just to get her half way across the ocean, and they run out of gas. Then she farts and goes around the world 2 times.
In this age of political correctness we must reajust our terms. People are no longer concidered gay, here are two better options: Good: A wanabe transvestite Best: Heterosexually challenged.
Yo momma so skinny, when it's pouring outside, she can dodge the raindrops
Yo Momma's so stupid she went to McDonalds and thought she could buy the whole menu for a $
Yo mama is so fat, when God said let there be light, he asked your mom to move over.
There once was a man from Rangoon Whose farts could be heard on the moon; When you'd least expect 'em They'd burst from his rectum With the force of a raging typhoon!!
Yo momma is so ghetto, both she and her dog have weave.
101 Hot 'n' Spicy Meals by Tung Payne
A fortune teller escaped from prison and became a small medium at large.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A-flat minor.
Yo momma is such a whore... She gets more ass than a toilet seat!
What is green and yellow and eats nuts? GONORRHEA
Yo Momma so fat, when she fell on the ground, I tried not to laugh, but the ground was cracking up!
Yo Momma so hairy, she got afros around her nipples!
Never have lunch with a chess player - I did once; there was a checkered tablecloth, and it took him half an hour to pass me the salt.
Grey hair is hereditary - you get it from your kids.
Your Momma is so poor, when i picked up a penny she said "You owe me my paycheck."
Yo momma so old, when she was a kid the rainbows were black and white.
What's the difference between a sock and a camera? One takes five toes and one takes photos.
My wife is so house-proud, we live next door.
In a recent survey, 4% of men preferred fat legs; 6% preferred skinny legs; while 90% preferred something in between.
E.T phone home! That must be one hell of a phone bill
How can you tell if a mathematician is an extrovert? He looks at *your* shoes when he talks to you.
Look at those ears! You have so much wax, that if I stuck a wick in there you would sing "Happy Birthday!"
What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur? Dyouthinkhesaurus
Guy goes into a drug store and asks for deodorant. Assistant says, "Aerosol or ball-type?" to which he replies, "Neither, it's for under my arms."
Toothbrush: "I have the dirtiest job in the world" Toilet Paper: "Yeah...right"
Knock, knock Who's there? Some. Some who? Some asshole telling you knock, knock jokes.
There once was a man from Nantucket, Whose cock was so long he could suck it, Said he with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!
There once was a girl from Darjeeling, Who could dance with exquisite feeling, There wasn't a sound For miles around, Except fly buttons hitting the ceiling!
I lent a friend of mine $5000 for plastic surgery. I can't get it back, because now I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE!
Yo momma so fat, they took her x-ray and a picture of a McDonald's showed up on the screen.
What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when he hits your windshield? His asshole!
Yo momma so fat, the little boy from THE SIXTH SENSE walked up to her and said "Let me tell you my secret now...I see YOU...everywhere"
If I were to be pun-ish-ed For every little pun I shed I'd hide me to a punny shed And there I'd hang my punnish head.
(to be read aloud) 'Twas in a restaurant they met Romeo and Juliet But Romeo couldn't pay the bill So Romee-owed what Julie ate ("ett").
The masked and armed man entered the bank. "Nobody move, or you're geography!" shouts the bandit. One of the tellers says, "Don't you mean 'history'?" "Don't change the subject!"
Why do black people wear hats with such big bills? So birds don't shit on their lips
Yo Momma so fat you were born in the middle of the ocean!
Yo Momma's so big, the Apollo 13 crashed into her head, right before it landed on the moon! Maybe that explains why she's so stupid.
Jt/xmktp?akhjgp/uqpuRujgrt/pvP/tq/tkHqtjhqtjb!)<(]{,twmjtwmjtwmkadnjgptkgptjafmjipV9mkBRiECl88888888888888888888888888888888888888887777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777I won at the slots! modge???? i m ?!?! bubbye *cheffy!=
Yo Momma is so fat, that she goes to the zoo to see the elephants and they feed her!
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!!!
yo momma so fat that people call her fat
Yo momma so fat she has her own gravitational pull!!!
Money can't buy everything... but then again, neither can no money.
Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense. "They should not put up such misleading notices," said Joe. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
gun(which shoots bees)
Our house, in the middle of my feet, Our house, which smells of cheesy feet, Our house, will always get defeat, Our house, will never eat those feet. That was a song I made up ha!!!!!! ha!!!!!! ha!!!!!! ha!!!!!!!
Yo momma so fat, she saw a Snickers commercial on TV...it said "Hungry? Why wait?"...so she ate the TV.
Legs is the word - spread the word.
Yo momma so fat she walked in front of the T.V and your dad missed the whole series of "Lost"
Yo momma so fat you can roll over twice and still be on the bitch
Yo momma so fat she jumped of the Golden Gate bridge in San Fransisco and baptised England.
Marigold, I'm sorry. I hacked into xizle's account 'cause I'm a stupid mother fuckin' piece of shit!!
DELETE THIS NOW!
abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz poo on marigold abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
WARNING= SOME PEOPLE MAY FIND THIS JOKE A BIT RACIST OR OFFENSIVE. I MEAN NO OFFENCE TO ANYBODY WHO READS THIS. Q: How do you start a rush hour in Bangladesh? A: Roll a penny down the street!
I AM NOT A RACIST PERSON, I JUST FIND THIS FUNNY. There was once a rich pakistani. His name was Azif. (As if)
What do you call two thieves? A pair of knickers!
i want to live in a big castle and to be a princess
When does Saddam Hussein have his lunch? When Tariq Aziz. (When Tariq has his)
Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? A: Bacon and legs
What do you call a sheep with no eyes? A blind sheep (what else?)
yo mommma is so skinny when she went to the strip club they used her as the pole!
Here's a good trick to try on people... Say to them: "I'm going to ask you two questions. one you have to answer yes, the other you have to answer no. 1st question: Are you stupid? <(you can put in anything you want here) 2nd question: Are you a liar?
Betcha I can give up gambling!
I am sure most people have heard of or watched the popular show the Ozbournes and still more people have Heard Ozzy sing. My question is how can Ozzy sing if he can't talk???
A sailor came home from his 5-year sea voyage, and had two bird-cages with him. He holds them up, and says to his wife, "Do you want the parrot, or do you want the cockatoo?" She replies, "I'll have the parrot, I've had a cockatoo while you were away!"
Why did God make man first? Because he didn't want to be interrupted by woman!
Two ships, one carrying lots of red paint, the other carrying lots of purple paint, crashed on a desert island. The drivers are now marooned.
What's the difference between a leg and an egg? You can beat an egg up, but you can't beat a leg up!
When you were born, God admitted that even he sometimes made mistakes!
Q: How does a blonde moon walk? A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
What's worse than taking a bite out of an apple and finding a worm? Finding half a worm!
Confucius asks: "If a train station is where the train stops, and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?"
Last time my friend went to the zoo, he got in trouble for feeding the monkeys... ...to the lions.
Man 1: "My budgie lays square eggs!" Man 2: "Really! That's amazing! Can it talk as well?" Man 1: "Yes, but only one word." Man 2: "What's that?" Man 1: "Ouch!"
"Look at the speed of that plane!" said one hawk to another, as a jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads. "Hmph!" snorted the other, "You too would fly fast if your tail was on fire!"
Two neighbours were talking to each other. One said to the other "Have you told your son to stop imitating me?" The other one replied "Yes. Yesterday I went up to him and said 'Stop acting such a fool!'..."
Wife: Will you love me when I'm old and ugly? Husband: Darling, of course I do...
A man was walking through the desert, when he found a woman buried up to her neck. The woman asks him to dig her out, and he says, "What's in it for me?" She replies, "Sand."
Yo Momma so short, you can see her feet on her driving licence!
Yo Momma's lips so big, she can whisper in her own ear!
"I say! Look here!" said an angry member of the grouse-shooting party. "You nearly shot my wife!" "I'm terribly sorry," replied the offender, "shall I try again?"
What's the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer? A bad lawyer can have a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
A man was travelling at 180 miles per hour on a motorway and was pulled over by the traffic police. The man asked: "Sorry officer, was I driving too fast?" The policeman replied, "No, you were flying too low..."
Sticks and stones won't break my bones but yo momma will when she gets on top!
Man 1: "Why have you painted your car red on one side and blue on the other?" Man 2: "So that if I bang into anyone, the witnesses will have a marvellous time in court contradicting each other!"
Girl 1: "This morning my dad gave me soap-flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast!" Girl 2: "I bet you were angry with him!" Girl 1: "Angry?! I was foaming at the mouth!"
Mom: "Why have you been sent home early, Jack?" Jack: "Because the boy next to me was smoking." Mom: "But if he was smoking, why were you sent home?" Jack: "Because I set him on fire!"
Teacher: "Simon! What does it mean if the barometer falls?" Simon: "Err.. The nail's come out of the wall, miss?"
You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.
A cop pulled over two drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."
Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage. They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.
Bought the wife a hamster fur coat for her birthday, she was delighted with it. We went to the fair; took me 4 hours to get her off the big wheel!
Two eggs were in a pan of boiling water. One egg says, "Phew, it's hot in here!" The other egg replies, "Wait till we get out of here, they smash your head in!"
One day a couple of rabbits found themselves being chased by a pack of wolves. They dashed into a thicket, and stood there panting. "So," gasped one to the other, "do you think we should keep running, or stay here until we outnumber them?"
A man walks into a men's outfitters and grumpily asks to see the cheapest suit in the shop. The horrified snooty sales assistant immediately fetched a full length mirror and placed it in front of him.
Two cows eating grass, On a warm, sunny hillock. By this time tomorrow, That grass will be millock.
Blond: Daddy! I know my alphabet! Dad: That took you 5 yaars! Blond: I know, but now I know my ABD's!
A blonde had twin girls - she called them Kate and Duplicate. Then she had twin boys - she called them Pete and Repeat.
Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(9i)³]-[cos(xy)/1096x]
Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish.
Good insult: Your mom goes to college! Good comeback: How do you know? Stalker!
Yo momma is so short when she falls of the curb it sounds like aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Yo momma is so stupid, she thought innuendo was an Italian suppository.
My granddad was a very unlucky man. He made a soft drink, and called it 1-up, but it didn't sell. He made another, called it 2-up, which also didn't sell. He tried yet another, called it 3-up. He got to 6-up, and quit.
Why is it that every time we blow our noses, we look inside the tissue afterwards? Are we expecting something other than boogers? Or are we checking to make sure they have not run off?
Ok. I honestly saw this on a billboard: Illiterate? Call this number to learn how to read.
Billy turns up at school very late one morning, and the teacher asks the reason why he's late. "Sorry, Miss, my dad got burned." "I'm sorry to hear that; I hope it's not serious," she replies. "Oh, they don't piss about at the crematorium, Miss!"
Your mama is so old, her breast-milk is powder!
Yo momma so fat she blocks the sun when she's out walking!
You call me ugly? Where is your mirror, boy?
Yo Momma so poor her front door and back door are in the same room. Yo Momma so poor she kicked a can across the street and a man asked "what are you doing?" and she said "I'm moving."
A woman walked into a bar, and asked the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.
"Doctor, please, I have a problem pronouncing Ts, Fs and Hs!" "Well then, you can't say fairer than that."
Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with two black sheep under each arm? A: A pimp
I went out to buy a new television, and wanted to buy a locally-made set. The salesman showed me a set I quite liked, and he assured me it was made locally, but I saw through that - clearly printed on the box was "Built in Antenna."
If your brain was dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your hat off!
Every village has its idiot. Somewhere in Texas, a village is missing theirs.
Sally – "Mummy, why can't I go swimming in the sea?" Mum – "Because there are sharks in the sea." Sally – "But mummy, daddy is swimming in the sea." Mum – "That's different, he's insured."
You might be a redneck if you let your thirteen-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of HER two kids.
Why aren't dogs allowed in the White House? They might pee on the Bush!
this site is awesome! look 4 the difference between the pics! http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf
Knock Knock! Who's there? Who who. Who who who? Is there an owl in here?
Knock Knock! Who's there? Amos. Amos who? Amosquito bit me!
Knock Knock! Who's there? Moo, moo, who. Moo, moo, who, who? Well, make up your mind, are you a cow or an owl?
Knock Knock. Who's there? Toulose. Toulose who? I don't want to lose to anybody!
Knock Knock. Who's there? Are you, Are you who? Are you going to let me in or not?
Knock knock. Who's there? Yudare. Yudare who? You dare to disturb me,while I am sleeping?
Yo momma's so stupid, she got lost in a parking lot!!
A calendar – something that goes in one year and out the other.
A man walks into a dentist's and says, "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth." The dentist says, "You need a psychiatrist, mate." The man says, "Yes, I know." The dentist replies, "Well, why have you come in here?" "Your light was on!"
I bought a book called "How to Hug," and when I got it home, found it was volume 7 of an encyclopedia. I phoned the gym, and asked if they could teach me to do the splits. The girl asked if I was flexible, and I said I couldn't do Tuesdays.
There is a major difference between the way a dog thinks and the way a cat thinks. A dog says, "You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. You must be God." A cat says, "You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. I must be God."
You have to see this joke to believe it. - Editor's Note: Link Deleted -
What do you get when you cross a cheetah with a hamburger? Fast food!
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work. Why is a river rich? Because it has two banks. What is a foreign ant called? Import-ant. What do ants take when they are ill? Anti-biotics.
What is the fastest way to double your money? By folding it in half
What did one glass say to another glass? Lets have a break. What did one ghost say to another ghost? Do you believe in people? What did one chair say to another chair? Here comes another bum.
What is the similarity between Michael Jackson and a Playstation 2? They both are made of plastic, and they both get turned on by kids.
'Doctor,doctor.I think that I'm a bridge.' 'What on earth's come over you?' 'Well a car,a bike.....'
A merger has been announced between the California Highway Patrol (CHiPs) and the California Fish and Game Department. It will be called Fish and Chips.
I tried to walk into Target one day... I missed
Justin: If you give me a quarter, I'll give you everything in my lunch box. Zach: That depends... what's in your lunchbox? Justin: Nothing!
She Was So Blonde She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".
What does the hot dog say after winning a race? I'm a WIENER!!!
What's the difference between a teacher and a train? A teacher says "spit your gum out" and a train says "choo choo!!"
Confucius say: Sperm sample from Nobel Prize winner is stroke of genius.
Confucius Say: Crowd in elevator smell different to midget.
Confucius say: Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways, going to Bangkok
I was walking around in the movies with my friends and we saw this one teenager. His pants were falling down, so I said to my friends, "God, these kids nowadays! I thought a rapper died and the kid decided to put his pants half-staff!"
Godzilla, King Kong, and a smart blonde are all on the Empire State Building. Who jumps first? None. Because none of them exist!
Two criminals are talking in a jail cell. "What are you in for?" "Something I did NOT do!" "Sooo... you're innocent? What did you not do?" "I DIDN'T run fast enough!"
What did the whale say to the dolphin when he pushed him? I didn't do it on porpoise!
Yo momma's so stupid, when they said "Drinks are on the house!" She went and got a ladder.
Yo momma's so fat that small things orbit her!
She make Olympic sumo wrestlers look anorexic.
Yo momma's so stupid, she watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.
What do you say to a redneck with a beautiful woman on his arm? "Hey, nice tattoo!"
The gangster's last words – "Who put that violin in my violin case?"
I gave up Thai boxing because I felt the Thais were getting fed up being put in boxes.
What do you give the person who has everything? A box to keep it all in.
1. Wake up and stumble in the room 40 minutes late. 2. Blame all of the problems in America on 9/11 and Iraq. 3. Pronounce "nuclear" right. 4. Publish my dog's sequel. 5. Show off my awesome golf shot. Hey, I counted to five!
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
Yo mama's so cross-eyed, when I was banging her she thought she was getting a threesome!
99.9% of all lawyers make the other ones look bad.
The other day, I saw my friend with a big puffy red nose. I asked her what happened and she said, "I stopped to smell a brose," then I said, "wait, there's no b in rose!" She said, "Well, there was in that one!!
Did you know that 61.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot?
So, Michael Jackson walks into a bar. Oh, that looked like it hurt! It must have knocked his nose off!
On June 10th, 2006, San Fransisco, California held the largest gay, nude bike ride in the United States. I'm never buying a used bike ever again.
My dad has always told me that putting in a little effort and dedication on the job never hurt anyone. Then again, he never heard of worker's comp.
Miss Blue(Teacher):"2 x 2 = 4, 4 x 4 = 16, and now, Brian, what is 16 x 16?" Brian(Pupil): "You cheated, Miss Blue. You always take the easy one and give us the hardest."
Patient: "My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?" Doctor: "A shoebox!"
How do you make a reindeer fast? Don't feed it.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? "It's Christmas, Eve!"
I'll be sober tomorrow, but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life.
Little Johnny's mother took him to a supermarket to buy some food. "Anything you break comes out of your allowance money!" shouted Johnny's mother. Johnny turned around and said "But you don't give me any allowance money!" "Yes, and now you know why."
Hi, this is Johan advising you that you spend WAY too much time on the phone. GO OUTSIDE... See the world, LIVE a little... Have fun.
Yo mama is so greasy Yo mama so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid! Yo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco! Yo mama so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her
Yo mama is so skinny Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio Yo mama so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex. Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared.
Yo momma so lazy, she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs. Yo momma so lazy, she's got a remote control just to operate her remote! Yo momma so lazy, she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.
Yo momma's head so small, she use a tea-bag as a pillow. Yo momma's head so small, she got her ear pierced and died.
Yo mama so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon. Yo mama so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida.
Yo mamma is so bald Yo mamma so bald even a wig wouldn't help! Yo mamma so bald you can see what's on her mind Yo mamma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.
What did the mama broom say to the little broom? Go to sweep little one.
What's the difference between the teacher and the one who minds trains? The teacher trains minds, the other minds trains.
What starts with T, ends with the T and has full of T's? [You must answer it and write it in the comment box!(hehe)]
In a classroom, the teacher tell the pupils that peanuts make your smarter. Then a pupil said: "Are you nuts?"
Sometimes I think I'm stupid... until I met George W. Bush. Now I feel like the smartest man in the world.
I read right the way through a medical dictionary, and found that the only thing in it I DON'T have is hypochondria!
Teacher: Julia, how can you say Asshole in a nicer way? Julia: As holes.
What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff!
How do you know if a 500-pound man is a millionaire? (That's 500-pound fat, not muscle.) Because he will have a totally hot, blonde, babe on his arm.
Yo momma's so fat that when she got into an elevator, she exceeded the weight limit. I wonder how many it took to get her in there in the first place?
"They misunderestimate me." -Nov. 6, 2000 "Rarely is the question asked: Is out children learning?" -Jan. 11, 2000 "I aim to be a competitive nation." -April 21, 2006
Drink apple juice, because O.J. will kill you. (O.J. = Orange Juice)
Knock-Knock Who's There? Well Water Well Water Who? Well Water You Waiting For? Open The Door And Let Me IN!!!!!!
A blonde and a brunette jump off of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Who lands first? \ / \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions.
Yo mama is so hairy... ...you almost died of rugburn at birth! ...she looks like she got Buchwheat in a headlock. ...bigfoot is taking her picture! ...she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.
Man 1: "I was on the television last night." Man 2: "Were you really?" Man 1: "Yeah. When I'm drunk I'll sleep anywhere."
"Excuse me, is this tuna dolphin-friendly?" "Dolphin-friendly? He was only best man at Flipper's wedding!"
Q: Which sea animal is very grumpy? A: The crab!
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know To get the Chinese newspaper Get it? No Neither do I. I get USA Today
Q: How many blonds does it take to change a light bulb? A: 101, one to hold the lightbulb and 100 to spin the house!
Yo Momma's life is such a failure, when I gave her a dollar she said her life was complete.
Here's a chain mail I recieved. Hi there, Thought For The Day "Good looks catch the eye but a GOOD personality catches the heart. You're blessed with both!" Don't be flattered, this message was sent to ME! I just wanted YOU to read it. PASS IT ON.
The three stages of sex in marriage: Tri-weekly, Try-weekly, Try-weakly.
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate. "Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner!"
What was 50 Cent's daughter named? Penny!
You know you're screwed when you fall in love with a woman you see at the mall, then realize that she is your sister.
How many presidents does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll only promise change.
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
Mr. and Mrs. Wong are a married couple who live in China. After being married for three years, they decided to have a baby. They ended up having a baby girl with mental disabilities. They named her 'Somting Wong'.
Adult Male
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
Three men walked into a bar. They died
Knock-Knock. Who's There. OMG OMG who? OMG! How long has that cookie been in your Lunch Box?!
Yo Momma's feet smell so bad that her shoes committed suicide.
What kind of key can't open a door.
What kind of key can't open a door. A monkey
The blonde arrived at work, looking very bleary-eyed and tired. "What's wrong with you?" asked her friend. "I was up half the night," came the reply. "And why was that?" "I was waiting for the cat to come home, so I could put her out for the night."
What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers? 1. How much money do you have? 2. Where can you get more? 3. Do you have anything you can sell?
Yo momma's so fat, she fell off a donkey.
make a hole.
Yo mama so fat, when she walked past the TV, I missed a whole episode off MTV's grand finale of Making the Van!
Yo mamma is so fat that when she goes to the beach she's the only one that gets a tan!
Yo mamma is so poor she has only got two channels on her T.V. : 'on' and 'off'.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job. Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? A: They're doing research on black holes.
Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes? A: Peroxide. Q: How do you tell if a bleach blonde did your landscaping? A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
What is a pirate's favourite branch of the military? The Arrrmy... no, the Navy, he's a pirate!
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
Hawt het hlle ma i redanig?
Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm!
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll just hang around.
Knock Knock! Who's there? Kanga. Kanga who? No! Kangaroo!
Got to Get You Into My Sights I Put a Shell in You You've Shot a Friend Huntin', Shootin', Drinkin' Dude Looked Like a Birdie
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"
Q: Why did the little girls put minnows in their pants? A: So they could smell like big girls.
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
Yo mamma is so poor, when I told her she eats dirt, she said to me,"No way, that stuff is for rich people!"
A duck, a skunk, and a frog go to the movies. Tickets cost one dollar. Which animal doesn't get in? The skunk! The frog has a green back, the duck has a bill, but the skunk only has a scent.
Yo mamma is so stupid, that when the power went out, she said, "Don't worry, we'll just watch a tape."
Q: What do you call a redneck family reunion? A: An orgy!
Do Roman paramedics refer to an IV as a four?
Yo momma is so big, that when she farts, she destroys the ozone layer above her!
In a messed up family, the child named Hope is goth, and the child named Faith is atheist.
Yo Momma so fat, when she went into a sumo wrestling match, they said, "Sorry, no professionals allowed."
How many women on their periods does it take to change a light bulb? - - - O N E ! ! , YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
Two friends, who haven't met for a couple of years, are catching up with each other's news. One says, "And then the doctor said he'd have me back on my feet in a fortnight!" His pal says, "Well, did he?" "He sure did, I had to sell my car to pay him!"
Did your parents have any kids that lived?
You know you're a redneck when your stair master has an ashtray!
Why has Edward Woodward got 4 d's in his name? If he hadn't he would be Ewar Woowar!
What's red and invisible? No tomato.
I was walking around and I saw somebody selling a shirt that said this: F.B.I. Female Body Inspector
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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get to the other side! ************************************************************ Q: Why did the punk rock star cross the road? A: Because he was stapled to the chicken!
Dad: Son what is the difference a penis and a loaf of bread? Son: I don't know. Dad: Then remind me to never send you to the store for a loaf of bread.
We are rated with RSAC i, SafeSurf TM Rated.
Your joke was submitted.
A friend in need . . . . . .is a damn nuisance.
Q: Imagine you are stuck in a cell, no windows, no doors pretty much nothing. How do you get out? A: -Stop imagining!-
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every second one! I figure, no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three for each three they unlock!
"I finally got my boss to laugh," said one friend to another after work. "Oh, how?" "I asked for a raise!"
If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi!
I wanted to learn how to make ice cream, so I started attending sundae school.
My teacher always used to tell me that double negatives are a real no-no.
Knock-Knock. Who's there? Sherwood. Sherwood who? Sherwood like to meet you, so open the door!
Q: What did the older lightbulb say to the younger lightbulb? A: You're too young to go out tonight.
Once upon a time, there was a girl with a lisp. She couldn't pronounce her c's or s's so she would just leave them out. One day she was going to the bathroom and started singing "I've Got Peace Like a River."
I found this on a can of Juicey-Juice 100% Juice. Just add water.
Q: Why could Long John Silver never find an aspirin? A: 'Cause his parrots ate them all.
Do bakers with a sense of humor bake wry bread?
Psychiatrist: What's your problem? Patient: I think I'm a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? A: One drunk Irishman
After picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too. "Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl?" offered the store owner. "No, don't bother," replied George. "He can't read anyway."
I went into the kitchen, and there was a tap on the window. Not using that plumber again!
Two wrongs do not make a right, but three rights make a left.
"Is that right, that you Dubliners always answer a question with another question?" "Now, who would be telling you that?"
Knock Knock Who's there? Dustin Dustin who? Dust in the air, please let me in!
Yo momma so fat, when she didn't have enough food, she rang 911.
WARNING: SOME PEOPLE MAY FIND THIS RACIST, ALTHOUGH I MEAN NO OFFENCE. What do you call a Pakistani in a microwave? Ba-ding!!!
Knock Knock! Who's There? Candy. Candy who? Candy door even open?
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your Mom.
Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence." Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?" Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."
A guy goes up to his best friend and says, "Dude, I need you to do something for me, no questions asked." "Okay," says the friend. "What is it?" "I said no questions!"
A girl was calling her boyfriend because he wasn't online and she wanted him to be. "Hello?" he said, groggily. "I want you to get up and get your ass online." she said. "How?" "I don't know. Get a scanner if you need to. Just get your ass online!"
Know why men are men and women are WOmen? Men keep saying - WO man, check out her boobs!
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"I'm really too tired and unable to do my home work," the son protested to his father. "Now my son, hard work has never killed any one yet, at least not at your age." "Yes, but I don't want to run the risk of being the first!"
Knock-Knock Who's there? Tex Tex who? Tex two to tango.
Why do they call it "drug abuse" when the person "abusing the drugs" then ends up with half of his brain being rendered useless?
Yo momma is so fat she wanted to go shopping for a new belt so she reached into the sky, then pulled off one of Saturn's rings and said, "Yep! Perfect fit."
Have you ever heard of the Gay Mafia? No? If you don't pay up, they come round your house, and criticize your curtains!
An English teacher wrote this phrase on the board and asked her students to properly punctuate it: "Woman without her man is nothing." MEN WROTE: Woman, without her man, is nothing. WOMEN WROTE: Woman! Without her, man is nothing.
Q: What to you call it when your pet jackrabbit dies? A: A bad "Hare" day
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
Why did the chicken cross the road? There weren't any cars coming!
Knock knock Who's there? *silence*
What do you call a black priest? Holy Shit
Q: What happens when you pour boiling water on a bunny? A: A hot cross-buniken!
A parachute used once, but has never been open!
Knock Knock! Who's There? Eileen. Eileen who? Eileen on the door until you open it
Yo momma's cooking so bad, she's got a toothbrush next to her plate instead of a knife!
Little Johnny's mum was sitting in front of computer while Johnny was making sandwiches. She said to Johhny, "You're the best sandwich maker ever," and Johnny says "No mum, you're just lazy." hahahahahahahahahahaha
Why did the boy buy a new bum? Coz his had a crack in it.
My mum told me that picking my nose was disgusting, and from now on, I had to pick it myself.
I was talking to my sister's boyfriend one day and I asked him if prettyful was a word. He said, "Well, I use it a lot. Whenever I've just eaten and someone asks me if I'm hungry, I say 'I'm pretty full."
Knock knock Who's there? can't catch. can't catch who? me, you can't catch me!
This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over. "You got any I.D.?" the patrolman asked. "'Bout what?" the hillbilly replied.
Man: "How's your history paper coming?" Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it's been very helpful." Man: "Really?" Woman: "Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell them!"
I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work." I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.
Knock-Knock! Who's there? Maida. Maida who? Maida force be with you!
Have you noticed since most people have a camcorder these days there are not as many people talking about seeing UFOs as there use to be?
Knock Knock! Who's There? Abbott. Abbott who? Abbott time you answered the door!
I took lessons in bicycle riding, but I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
Mosquitos consider most people as food, but grandma's an open bar.
I'll tell ya later.
It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. - S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen.
What's black and white and makes a lot of noise? A zebra with a drum.
"Have you ever had a tick before?" asked Mel. "No, I've only ever had crosses," replied Sally.
Teacher: Vincent, not to be presumptuous, but your short story is truly fantastic. Did you really write it? Vincent: Yes, I wrote, while my mother dictated...
Shakespeare walks into a bar and the bartender shouts at him, "You can't come in here, you're Bard!"
Do doughnut shops need security systems?
Yo momma is so fat, I gave her a piggyback ride and I got scoliosis.
Two bees in their hive on a lovely summer day, and one says to the other, "'Swarm in here, isn't it?"
What do you call Santa when he's been to the beach? Sandy Claus!
Knock knock. Who's there? He. He who? He who must not be named, so don't say it!
What did the bald man say when he was given a comb for his birthday? "Oh, thank you! I'll never part with it!"
"Charles the First walked and talked half an hour after his head was cut off." Make sense? It should be- "Charles the First walked and talked. Half an hour after, his head was cut off."
Steve is playing with his 3 friends at his tree in the back garden, and his mum comes out and shouts, "If all four of you fall out of that tree and break both legs, then don't come running to me!"
Yo mamma so fat that when I swerved around her in my car, I ran out of petrol!
You're so stupid, you traded your car in for petrol!
You're as bright as a broken lightbulb!
You're as funny as a ripped-up joke book!
you're as smart as a broken calculator!!!!!!!
A man.
If at first you don't suceed...lower your standards!
Knock Knock! Who's There? Dot. Dot who? Dots for me to know, and you to find out.
The can was invented quite a while before the can opener.
What do you call the planters guy beating up fruit spread? Peanut battering jelly.
Guy goes to see his doctor - "Doctor, please help me, I've got kleptomania bad!" "OK, take these pills, one a day, but if they've not worked in a month, could you get me an LCD telly?"
Charlie: "My wife has the worst memory ever." Tom: "She forgets everything, huh?" Charlie: "No, she REMEMBERS everything!"
Yo Momma is so stupid she took wood to the movie SAW!!
A guy goes to the dentist and says, "How much to get these two teeth pulled?" "$80 a tooth," he replies. "For two minutes work! That's crazy!" said the patient. "Trust me," said the dentist, "You don't want me to do it any slower.
She left him because he had a will of his own. And it wasn't made out to her!
A detective was questioning a burglary suspect. "Where were you between five and six?" he asked. "In kindergarten!" he replied
Knock Knock! Who's There? Radio. Radio Who? Radio not, here I come!
One chicken says to the other, "For heaven's sake, don't cross the road! We'll never hear the end of it!"
Yo momma's so fat, when she turns around another year has passed already!
Yo Momma is so fat she needs mapquest to find her butt!
Knock knock. Who's there? Haf. Haf who. Haf you ever opened the door because I'm tired of waiting.
Yo Momma smells so bad the skunk gave her his stripe.
Knock knock. Who's there? Doughnut. Doughnut who? I doughnut want to know if you're sick!
How many mathematicians does it take to replace a lightbulb? Pi. 3 screw exactly a radius's length, and the last about-one-seventh screws it in all the way!
Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?? V V V V V V V V V V V V V V He loved it, but it scared the heck out of his dog.
Virginity is like a balloon. One prick and it's gone!
Whenever I have to go up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator because one time i was on an escalator and I tripped... So i was falling for an hour and a half.
Q: What type of storage units do underwater computers use? A: Trilo-bytes
Presidents on a sinking ship! Ford says: "What do we do?" Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!" Reagan says: "What lifeboats?" Carter says: "Women first!" Nixon says: "Screw the women!" Clinton says: "You think we have time?"
Question: What is a Kentucky Virgin? Answer: A really ugly seven year old girl who can run faster than her older brother.
George W. Bush.... that's it
Did you ever notice that a lot of people will do just about anything to get attention? Like putting jokes up on a website! P.S I love Wocka.
Gummer: Is defined as receiving oral sex from a woman who has no teeth.
Did you hear about the morning after pill for guys? It changes his blood type.
What do women with no legs leave behind when they cross a linoleum floor? Snail Tracks.
Have you ever seen Moth Balls? You have!!! How did you get their teeny, tiny and poor little legs apart? Ya fiend!
What do a walrus & tupperware have in common? They both like a "tight" SEAL!
What is Jewish beer called? He Brew!!
Yo mama so fat when jumps up in the air she gets stuck.
What's the difference between a religious woman and a supposedly regular woman in a bathtub? One has HOPE in her soul.
This is funny.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
What can you break without saying its' name? Silence...Shhh!
Your mamma is soooo ugo... When you look in the mirror you die of fright, as you look just like her.
A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother: Dear Grandmother, I'm sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday. With love, Mike
Q: What does a 1000 pound bird say?? A: SQUAWK!!!
Q: What was Jesus when he was resurrected? A: A Born Again Christian
Q: How do you get a blonde with one arm out of a tree? A: Wave to her
Bob was talking to Ted, an old friend. Bob: My wife drives like lightning! Ted: She drives fast? Bob: No, She hits trees!
1. Who's idea was it to put "s" in the word "Lisp"? 2. Trust in God, but keep your car locked. 3. They say that swimming is good for your figure. If so, what happened to whales?
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Save the whales, harpoon a fat chick!
In a small town, an frightened man ran inside the local pub and shouted, "Does anyone here own a big black dog with a white collar?" But no one answered and he said, "Oh my God,I must have run over the Vicar!"
Hubluza
Float like a butterfly Sting like a bee I slept with yo momma Now it burns when I pee !
Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember everything.
Q: How do you get free tickets to a concert fast? A: Bring a gun to the box-office.
When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon shopping list - then it's a "portable hand-held communications inscriber", says a Republican senator.
William P. Holcomb's job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he himself had 375 unpaid tickets.
Knock knock! Who's there? Ya. Ya who? What are you getting so excited about?
Now I lay me down to sleep; If I die before I wake, Please somebody; step on the BRAKE!
Don't worry, you aren't fat. You're only "fluffy"!
Dick Cheney had a problem. He was been sued for 200 million dollars. He asks everybody in the West Wing for advice. However, only President Bush has any good advice: " Why don't you take them hunting?"
Yo Mamma is so poor, when you asked for milk she said,"left or right?"
Q: How many publishers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in and two more to hold down the editor.
Man in car, Went to bar. Feeling nifty, Doing fifty. Hit a car, Poor old soul. Doctor's fee, CEMETARY!
Q: What did one chart say to the other? A: "My! You're awfully graphic!"
The Indian chief introduced his wife to a newspaper reporter; "This is Three Horse." "That's a picturesque name," said the reporter. "Does it have deep symbolism?" "Yes," the chief replied. "Nag, nag, nag!"
Yo mamma is soooo poor that her front and back door are on the same hinge!
Knock knock Who's there? Idunnap. Idunnap who? Well, you best get to the toilet then! (For those of you who don't understand you're meant to say, "i done a poo!")
Yo mamma smells so bad, when she went into the enchanted forest, all the skunks commited suicide!
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots?
You're like school on Saturday... NO CLASS!
Have you heard about camping? It's intense. (In tents!)
How do you catch a unique rabbit? You nique up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way!
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A licalottapus!
One lesbian said to the other, "I'll just be Frank with you," ...and the other said, "Ok, you be Frank today and I'll be Frank tommorrow."
What do you call two Chinese queers? Two can chew!
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left him!
Beer... it's the cause and solution to all men's problems!
Who is the patron saint of playgrounds? St. Francis of a see-saw!
What is the one thing you get at a wedding and cannot give back no matter how much you despise and hate it? IN-LAWS!
Confucius say... ~He who value skin does not wash cat
Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO? A: I don't know, I've never seen either. Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? A: (1)No mind (2)No business
This summer, I went on a trip to Houston. I needed to go really badly, so I stopped behind a tree. A minute later, I darted out being chased by a hungry squirrel. He wanted some nuts.
IBM and IBC combine to create the perfect computer for financial management. Here's the headline on the weekly paper. IBM: Do You?
Teacher: Billy why are you late? Billy: Because the sign said "Children Slow"
Question: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Answer: Elephino (Hell-if-I-know)
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Yo momma is so hairy that I thought she had herself in a headlock!
Knock Knock Who's there? Nunya! Nunya who? Nunya Damn Business!!
Life isn't fair. I went to my boss with a note from my doctor stating that I have multiple personalities. Now I do three different jobs and still only get one paycheck!!.
How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer, Olive? Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names." What's the most popular wine at Christmas? "I don't like sprouts"!
What did you learn in school today? Not enough, apparently. I have to go back tomorrow!
Why don't witches wear panties? To get a better grip on their broom.
Glow in the dark sunglasses A book on how to read A dictionary index Watermelon seed sorter Zero proof alcohol Reusable ice cubes See through toilet tissue Skinless bananas Do it yourself roadmap
You know what your problem is? Your brain is too tense... too tense the size of everybody else's.
How do you know if you're in a gay church? If half the congregation is kneeling!
A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" "No." A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly. "That's not my dog."
This was set up by Google as a joke. Enjoy! Please do the following: 1. Open Google. 2. Type, "french military victories". 3. Click: I'm Feeling Lucky. 4. Enjoy!
This was set up by Google. Enjoy! Please do the following: 1. Open Google. 2. Type "failure". 3. Click: I'm Feeling Lucky. 4. Enjoy!
There was a blonde and a brunette in a car. The brunette hears a siren behind them, so she asks the blonde if its lights are on. The blonde turns around and says "yes, no, yes, no....."
Q: What do you get if you drop a piano on the seventh dwarf? A: A diminished seventh!
Do you know why single women can't fart? Because they don't get assholes untill they get married.
Professionals built the Titanic. An amateur built the ark.
(This joke was copied from the "Fresh Price of Bel Air" show and are not my original jokes). 40 is the begining.... the begining of the end. 40 is the begining of life. Did I say life?... i meant gum disease!
"You were speaking much too long on the phone just now, Miss Ponsonby," said Mr.Jones. "But it was a business call, Mr. Jones." "Well, please don't address our clients as 'sweetikins'in the future."
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
You momma so stupid, when I asked her,"Why she was yelling into an envelope."She said "She was trying to send voice mail."
Yo momma so fat and stupid, when her doctor told her to go on a seafood diet, she says OK, I see food, I eat it.
Yo momma so fat, when she entered a fat contest she won 1st, 2nd, and 3rd prizes.
What do you call a cute volcano? Lava-ble!
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
There were two fish. The first says: "We're gonna swim 100 miles upstream, have sex, then die." The second says: "So we're gonna swim 100 miles upstream, then die?" First fish: "Yup" Second: "Are we gonna have sex?" First : "Yup" Second: "Ok count me in!"
What do you do when you're lonely on an Alaskan cruise? Answer: Go to the window and yell "whale"
What did one virus say to the other virus? Keep away from me, I think I've got penicillin!
What did one earthquake say to another? Oops! My fault!
A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."
The bumper sticker of a proud parent read: MY SON WAS INMATE OF THE MONTH
What do you call an Italian Cop? Guinea Pig
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Q: What is the difference between a plate and a booger? A: The plate is on the table, but the booger is under the table. Q: What is the difference between a prince and a booger? A: The prince is the heir to the throne, but the booger is thrown to the air.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
A brunette on a river bank sees a blonde on the far shore and yells to her: "How do I get to the other side of the river?" And the blonde yells back "You're ON the other side."
Descartes walked into a McDonalds and ordered a veggieburger. The guy behind the counter asked "Do you want fries with that?" Descartes replied "I think not," and poof - he disappeared.
Once upon a time, there was a fairy called Nuff. Fair enough.
A kid said to his Dad, "In school I learned Pluto is in outerspace. But they didn't say where Mickey is."
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. Editor's note: Mean can mean both not nice but another definition is average.