corrade-lsl-templates – Rev 15
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When I was a little boy, I was considered clever for my age. When you were a little boy, you must have eaten paint chips.
Q) How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? A) 25! One to mix the batter and 24 to peel the m&m's.
I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add to it.
I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Droughts happen because God didn't pay his water bill.
Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.
"Ahhhh..." "Mike! What's wrong?" "I-I had a nightmare." "What was the nightmare?" "I-I-" "Yes?" "I-I-" "Spit it out!" "I-I went to heaven."
You are a redneck if: you've shaved off your eyebrows and taped them to a little kid's back.
You are a redneck if: You've ever bought steel-toed boots, only to remove the steel to patch a hole in your trailer.
You are a redneck if: you've ever had a family feud over a litter of coondogs.
You are a redneck if: you use a handful of creek mud as birth control.
The problem with keeping an open mind is that all my ideas tend to fall out.
You are a redneck if: you've ever held a lifelong grudge over a spelling bee.
(This is from my friend, Mitchell. It was very funny at first when we first heard him say it at lunch, and I figured I would share it.) Yo Momma's so fat, she ate a grenade and the explosion didn't even make it out!
You are a redneck if: you've ever gotten a headache reading the newspaper.
You are a redneck if: you've ever dislodged a sunflower seed from the corner of your eye.
One day, a little boy came up to a man at the park. The boy asked the man, "Why do you have a big nose?" The man answered, "Because...I have big fingers."
My goal is to find a soulmate. It's not cheating, just multi-tasking.
Which sweet is very clever? A Smartie
Q: Why did the hand cross the road? A: To get to the second-hand shop!
Knock-knock! Who's there? Toby. Toby who? Toby or not toby that is the question!
Q) What is: Black White Black White Black White? A) A nun rolling down a hill.
I've been following the ongoing Evolution vs Intelligent Design controversy, and as a card-carrying botanist, I'm a very strong supporter of Darwin. But still, there are things in life that rational science simply cannot explain. Like Paris Hilton...
Q. How many acountants does it take to change a lightbulb? A. 1 at a fixed rate of 3.5% income return after purchase for every bulb replaced over a 6 year plan, with projected inflation expected to rise to over $1.25 per bulb in 2006.
Yo momma's arms are so short that she has to tilt her head to scratch her ears.
Knock-Knock. Who's there? Accordion. Accordion who? Accordion to the t.v., it's going to be cold out.
Yo mama is so ugly, that they pushed her face into cookie dough to make gorilla cookies.
When everything's coming up roses, it's time to celebrate. But, when everything's coming up daisies, it's time to mourn.
How long does it take a blond to change a lightbulb? They never change it, by the time they've realized that it's broken, the world would of ended.
While on a game show, Justins had to identify a number of sounds. When she heard this: *laughter then plop, plop, plop* she identified it correctly right away. What did she say? An audience laughing it's head off
Why don't vegetarian women scream during orgasms? They refuse to admit that a piece of meat gives them pleasure!
You might just be a redneck if your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
What does a blonde and a screendoor have in common? The harder you bang them the looser they get. Why did the blonde climb the glass wall? To see what was on the other side. What is the first thing a blonde does in the morning? Get dressed and go home
Why did the blond have blisters on her lips? From trying to blow out lightbulbs!
How do you keep a blond busy? Write "please turn over" on both sides of a paper!
One blond to another: "The electicity break down was terrible. I was stuck in the lift for 2 hours." The other blond: "That's nothing, I stood on the elevator for 6 hours!!!
Wat is die toppunt van geraas? 2 geraamtes wat woellig spyker op n sinkdak met n coke blikkie as n kondoom!
Pappa : jy moet nou soet wees, ek gan jou tottie afkap. Seuntjie : kan ma afkap, want sussie sin is klaar af en omgedop en dit lyk BEFOK!!
Prostitute shouting accross the street - "Hey, black boy! You want a blow job?" He shouts back "Fuck off! I don't want ANY job!"
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I tell him, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, I tell him, "Probably because of something you did."
Yo momma so old, she still owes Moses a dollar.
You are a redneck if: You've ever carved a gunstock out of a bedpost.
Knock-knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes me, who's you? (This is me, who's you.)
It is illegal to stick coins in your ears in the state of Hawaii.
Why were the police at the baseball game? Because someone stole second base!
Yo momma is so fat and dumb, she used Antarctica as a popsicle!
yo mommo so stupid when she was drowning, she ate a Lifesaver. Lifesaver is a candy.
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Famous last words: "Ok, I'm only going to have one..." -- Said the polygamist right after marrying his first wife.
You might be a redneck if your dad bought you a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for Christmas.
Yo momma is so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner - so she went looking for it.
Yo momma is like a bus; she's big, doesn't smell very good, and it's only a dollar a ride.
Yo momma is so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a species will be extinct.
Yo Mama is so stupid, she bought a video tape on how to fix your VCR!
Yo mama so poor, she has to chase down the garbage truck with a shopping list!
yo momma is so old --- she knew Burger King when he was a prince! yo momma is so poor --- I saw her banging on the dumpster and I asked her what she was doing and she said "My kids locked me out!"
What do you call when god takes a crap? Holy shit!
Two cows were in a field grazing. First cow says, "MOO." Second cow says, "You asshole, I was gonna say that."
Yankee Doodle went to town A-riding on his mother Every time he hit a bump He had another brother!
What do you call 2 nuns and 3 prostitutes on a football field? 2 Tight Ends and 3 Wide Receivers
Knock, Knock Who's there? Ya Ya - who? I didn't know you could yodel! Yahoooo!
You're so ugly that when you entered an ugly contest, out of 10,000 people, you won first place!
You're like a Wendy's. The drive through is open till 1am or later.
A good friend will say: "I love you!" (In a sarcastic tone) A best friend will say: "I love you, you f***in' b****!"
What did the little black boy get for his birthday? Your bike.
Why does it take 3 women with PMS to change a lightbulb? BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, OK!!!!
Yo momma's so fat she stood on a talking scale and it said, "1,2,3 GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!!!!!!!"
Knock-Knock Who's there? Me Me who? Who the hell is me-who???
What is the most racist animal in the world? A parrot bacause Polly wants a cracker not a nigger.
Q: What do you call 50 black guys in a hole? A: Afro-Turf
You're so ugly, you scare blind children.
You're so ugly when you were born your parents named you "Shit Happens"
You're so ugly instead of taking you to the doctor your mom took you to the vet.
What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the Batmobile? "Get in the Batmobile, Robin!"
Why can't a gypsy man walk right? Because he has crystal balls!
>God made mud,<<<< >>God made dirt,<<<< >>>God made guys,<< >>>>So girls can flirt!<
It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
Yo momma so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, the bitch caused an eclipse.
Knock-Knock Who's there Icee Icee who I see you in there now let me in!
Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
You so ugly, you make President Bush look hot!
Q: What's green, fuzzy, has 4 legs, and if it falls out of a tree, can kill you? A: A pool table.
Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place!
Yo mama so ghetto, her wedding cake was made out of cornbread.
Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor? A: Because he felt crumby.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Zero: For all blondes know, the lightbulb is still burning bright.
Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A: A quarter pounder with cheese.
Q: Why did the scientist install a door knocker on his door and not a door bell? A: He wanted to win the No-Bell (Nobel) prize!
There's a blonde who goes to a pizza parlor. When she orders, she asks for her pizza to be cut up into 6 slices instead of eight. Why? A: She's not hungry enough to eat eight.
Knock Knock. Who's there? Wet. Wet who? Wet me in! It's waining!
Q: Did you hear the story about the peacock? A: It's a beautiful tail.
Q: Why did George Washington sleep standing up? A: He couldn't lie.
Two turds were sitting beside each other in a toilet, when one looks to the other and says, "man, you smell like shit".
Q: What's the difference between a rabbit and a cow? A: One's a rabbit and one is a cow
Q: Why DIDN`T the skull cross the road? A: Because he didn`t have the guts!
Why did the frog cross the road? A: He was tied onto the chicken.
Yo Momma is so ugly, that when she met the ugliest man on Earth, he shrieked in terror and jumped out the window.
Fish + alien transpotation = Unidentified Frying Object
Q: What goes, "KCAUQ, KCAUQ"? A: A duck flying backwards!
BOB: Have you changed the water in the fish bowl yet? MARGE: No, it hasn't drunk the water I gave it a week ago.
I believe in evolution and if you don't I will let you meet my relatives.... Then you'll believe me
"I love you" is eight letters, but so is "bull shit."
I decided to kill the sexiest person alive, but then I realized suicide is illegal.
I often dream of the day when my car will be able to drive me home after a long hard day of work. That's about the time the driver next to me abruptly blows his horn telling me to wake up and get back into my own lane.
Did you hear the one about the blond Think Tank? Once they got it got started, it drove through three houses and a convienence store before they figured out how to stop it.
East to the Sea, West to the Land, Death to the B***h that touches my Man.
"Mario, I am in so much pain right now I can barely sit. Leave the mushrooms for the adventures and out of the bedroom." "Fine Princess. Yoshi, let's go." "No, no...Yoshi can stay."
Q-If the big breasted women work at Hooters, where does the one legged woman work? A-Ihop
Yo momma so old she got an autographed copy of the bible.
My T.V. has more channels then your IQ, and I DON'T EVEN HAVE CABLE!
"Doctor doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!" "I'll deal with you later!"
Q: How do you help a starving cannibal? A: Give him a hand!
One day in the 1800's a father asked his child to go get some nuts and berries. She went around and got nuts and berries from every boy she knew. When she showed her dad he said, "That's not what I meant!"
Q: Did you hear the joke about the jump rope? A: No, I skipped it!
When I shake your head, all I hear is echo echo echo...
Your face is sad. Not that you're crying, it's that I feel sorry for you.
You're so ugly that your momma cried when she saw you after birth.
You're so ugly that when it's Christmas, instead of giving you toys, Santa gives you plastic bags to cover your face.
Q. How do you keep an idiot busy? A. Tell him that the ground is going to fall on him if he doesn't get off it.
Yo mama's so stupid, she walked into an antique shop and asked "What's New?"
Yo momma's so dumb she dj's for the ice cream truck!
Yo momma so fat, she leaves stretch marks in the bath tub.
How women think about sex: At 8, ignore it. At 18, experience it. At 28, look for it. At 38, ask for it. At 48, beg for it. At 58, pay for it. At 68, pray for it. At 78, forget it.
Kid says to mom:"The babysitter's an angel! She was naked in the garden and screamed God I'm coming! Lucky daddy was holding her from behind to keep her here!"
What is the new name for a taxi in Oshakati? A computer. Why? It has windows, always crashes, & is driven by a thin black floppy with a virus.
The cat was chasing the rooster around on the farm, then the cat fell in the water and the rooster laughed. Lesson: For every wet pussy there is a happy cock
Woman tells man: :"I demand good manners in bed just like at the dinner table." So man gets into bed slowly, smiles & says: "Honey, would u please pass me the vagina?"
Good: You & Your wife decide not to have kids. Bad: Your wife can't find the birth control pills Ugly: You daughter borrowed them.
A Japanese girl accidentally lets out a disturbing fart after making love! She said: "Aww, so sorry. Excuse please, front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud!!
Did you hear about the cannibal who was late to dinner? He got the cold shoulder.
When a cop stops you he gives you a ticket,when a cop stops me he gives me his number.
Your so ugly you make Bin Landen look like a god.
Tom: I've got a great knock-knock joke. Bill: Ok, let's hear it. Tom: You start. Bill: Knock-knock. Tom: Who's there? Bill: ???????????? (dumbfounded)
Known fact amongst all men: Having sex can help combat asthma and hay fever, now we need to inform all women!
Your teeth are so yellow the sun should be shy to show it self!
Someday your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
"No one dies a virgin, life screws us all!"
"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." -Poor Bear
Heaven won't take me and hell's afraid I'll take over. -Unknown (boardofwisdom.com)
What did the bee say to the naughty bee? Bee-Hive your self
When a guy asked a blond to take a survey, she asked, "Do I have to bring it back?"
A blonde and a brunette are hanging from a pole to see who can hang the longest. The blonde is showing off by hanging from one hand. The brunette says, "I bet you can't do no hands." The blonde takes the challenge and loses the contest.
Q: What do mice say when they see the moon?? A: "Ooh, Cheese!"
While driving to work, I found myself behind an old Ford Falcon, with five teenage boys inside. The best part was the bumper sticker in the center of the rear window. It read: DON'T LAUGH, YOUR DAUGHTER COULD BE IN HERE!
I never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed appoint
When I worked in the tourist industry in Florida, we got to wear some of the buttons that were for sale. My favorite read : We love serving tourists; I like mine well done!
I almost got fired for telling this joke at work: Do you know why fireman have bigger balls than policeman? They sell more tickets!
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
How do we look at a calendar to find what date it is, when we don't know the date?
One day a duck walked into a drugstore and bought some lipstick. She walked up to the clerk and said, "Put it on my bill!"
How is it we look in a dictionary to figure out how to spell something if we don't know how to spell it?
Knock-Knock Who's there? Oscar Oscar who? Ask her a silly question, get a silly answer!
Yo momma so dumb, She invented water proof tea bags.
An ejector seat on a helicopter. A fly screen on a submarine. An ashtray for a motorcycle. A lead balloon. A bikini for Eskimos. Sugar-cube fishing bait. A glass baseball bat..
1.Doctor, Doctor! My son swallowed a pen, what should I do? Use a pencil instead! 2.Doctor, Doctor! I think I'm getting shorter! You'll just have to be a little patient. 3.Doctor, Doctor! I'm invisible! I'm sorry, sir, I can't see you right now.
Yo momma's like 7-11... Cause she is open all day.
A man went to the hospital with a sprained ankle. The doctor said, "Don't worry, you'll be walking in no time." He was. The doctor stole his car.
Dick and Jane were arguing over the breakfast table. "Oh you're so stupid!" shouted Dick. "Dick!" said their father, "That is enough! Now say you're sorry!" "Okay," said Dick, "I am sorry you're stupid."
The King sent for his wise men all To find a rhyme for W. When they had thought for a time, But could not think of a single rhyme, "I'm sorry," he said," To trouble you."
knock-knock who's there? duck duck who? duck I just threw a frisby at you!!
A man who digs? Doug! A man who doesn't dig? Douglas! A woman with a cat on her head? Kitty!
Yo momma is so old, she was stood up by King Tut, before he became a mummy.
Child 1: Whatcha gonna do? Child 2: I'm gonna watch TV! Child 1: Guess what? I'm the QUEEN of the TV Freaks!
Yo mama is so fat that she uses all of Mexico as a tanning bed.
Yo momma is so fat she needs to lose weight.
Message from www.dating.com: Your dating ad has been on the net for 8 weeks without any answer! Do you rather want us to try one week without a picture?
Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth." Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."
Q: How do you keep a cheepskate busy? A: Put him or her in a round room and tell them that you droped a $20 bill in the corner.
I don't need to write a joke! Whenever I see your face I start to laugh anyway!!
Why did the boy sprinkle sugar underneath his pillow that night? He wanted to have sweet dreams.
Why are llamas big and brown? Beacause if they were small & grey, they would be mice.
What is black & white an red all over? A penguin holding its breath!
What to a blonde is long and hard? 4th Grade
Teacher: John, why is your cat at school today? John: (crying)..I heard the milkman tell mom.."When the kid goes to school i'm gonna eat your pussy!"
Question: What is brown and sticky? Answer: A stick! Duh.
Doctor doctor! I keep thinking I'm invisible! WHO SAID THAT?!?!?
What does the male centipede say to the other male centipede when a female centipede walks by? That's a nice pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs.....
Yo momma'a so stupid she stopped at a stop sign and waited untill it changed to 'Go!'
What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other? We taste like chicken!!
What's the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease? One is a cunning runt and the other is a running cunt.
What does a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
Yo momma's so ugly, she turned medusa to stone!
Yo momma's So stupid she put yellow for the answer to the following question: What color is Santa's red suit?
You're about as useful as a bargain hunter in Sears!
1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die from natural causes. 2. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market. The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds."
Yo momma so stupid she shoved a battery up her butt and yelled I've got the power
Q: What's the difference between a black owl and a white owl? A: White owl: Who who Black owl: Who that who that
Q: Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toypen? A: Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face saying, "Lie to me, lie to me!"
Here's 50 cents call someone who cares
If you can tell time... Why can't you tell that I don't have time for you?
Ever wonder why your ears are where they are? Just think, if they were on your butt, you would have to pull down your pants to hear what I'm saying --REDD FOXX
There once was a girl named Ann Hyser Who claimed that no man could surprise her. But old Pabst made a push at the Schlitz in her Busch and now she is sadder Budweiser! *This joke was made by Bill Klompus* Go Bill!!
Why did our founding fathers expressed equality, but the constitution says people born in other countries can't be president?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world appear weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
What do you get when a dinosuar stubs its toe? A: Stubasaurus
This above a uranal. What are you looking at? The real joke is in your hands!
General Ways to Annoy People Announce when you're going to the bathroom. Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!") ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons.
Ways To Annoy People On The Subway Stand in front of the doorway and glare at people when they try to get by. Constantly ask people for directions. Don't take a shower for a month. Tell the people your problems. They really want to know.
How many rich people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They hire people to do it for them.
What are you laughing at? Your mom is a hooker!
How many feet does a black rooster have? How many wings does a black rooster have? How many heads does a black rooster have? How many hairs are on the back of a white cat? Why is it that you know more about a black cock rather than a white pussy?
Q. What do you call a blond, redneck lawyer? A. Yo Momma!
The best things in life are free and the worst things in life cost only $19.95.
Yo Mama is so fat that when she has sex she has show directions!
Bobby-Hey do you remember what the teacher said in fourth hour? Jessica-?--------??? Bobby-Did you just have a blonde moment?
On a very busy high way there stood three images. Santa, The easter bunny and a smart mexican. Well who crossed the street first? None There is no such thing as santa, the easter bunny, or a smart mexican.
What's missing? ch_ _ ch U R you are
What is a robot's favorite food? Nuts and bolts!
Q. Where does a fish like to sleep? A. In a river bed!
Q. Where do Comedians go if they are sick? A. To the He-He-Mergency room!
Q. Why was the Gum so mad in class? A. It was Chewed Out!
Q. What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a computer? A. A lot of Bytes!!!
Q. Why was the piano locked out? A. Because he had no keys!
Q. Who likes to make dinner for Peter Pan? A. Captain Cook!
Q. What do you call a cow that gives chocolate milk? A. An Utter Delight!
Why couldn't the Human Torch get married? He couldn't find his Match!
What do you call a stupid garbage can? A Dumb-ster!
What did the director say after making the Mummy Movie? "It's a Wrap!"
Q. What always stays hot inside a refridgerator? A. Salsa!
My little sister recently asked me: "Why does the conductor of the band always wave his magic wand, but the players never disappear?"
No, of course it isn't.
Q. What little girl takes from the rich and gives to the poor? A. Little Red Robbin' Hood!
Your mama is so fat because your mama's mama passed down genes!
You're so fat you turn the world upside down!
A priest and a rabbi are sitting in a park talking. A young boy walks by, the priest says "Hey, you want to screw him?" and the rabbi says "Out of what?"
How do you plant dope? Bury a blond.
Yo momma's so fat, she sneezed and caused a hurricane!
A mother explained to her daughter, "We didn't have TVs not to long time ago, sweetie." She looks at her mother strangely and asks, "Then how did they play their VCR's?
1. knock knock, who's there? Ima, Ima who? Ima hungry can we eat yet? 2. knock knock, who's there? peas, peas who? peas can we start know 3. knock knock, who's there? phil, phil who? phil my cup up with water please
rudeness - someone who keeps talking while your are trying to interrupt.
"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade." "Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?" "Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor."
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"? JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L." TEACHER: No, that's wrong. JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
Of course you know they have changed the look of twenty dollar bills recently. What happens to the old ones? Bill Gates gets them!
From a brunette's point of view: Blondes may have more fun but hey, at least we can read!
Want to know a dirty joke? A white horse falls into a mud puddle. Wanna know a clean joke? The horse takes a shower.
What do the letters "INRI" at the top of Jesus' cross stand for? I'm Nailed Right In.
Who is Yo Momma? Yo Momma doesn't know.
This is laziness!
A man was screaming into his phone saying "Can you hear me now?". Annoyed, a CIA offical said "Yes, we can hear you now!"
To save a tree remove a Bush.
What do you call a woman with one black eye? A fast learner.
Yo momma so stupid she ties her shoes with spahgetti so she can eat and run.
You know your are in Alaska when you go to court and they ask you where you were on the night of October to April!
Yo momma so bald, I can read her mind
Can a mane date the sister of his widow? No, because you can't date when you are dead.
D.A.R.E. sadly doesn't stand for Drugs Are Really Excellent.
Yo momma so stupid she asked to buy a vowel on Wheel of Fortune and said "S"
What kind of sneakers do chickens wear? Re-bok-bok-bok-bok-bok.
Mr. Smith: "So, Mr. Jones, how's your son John?" Mr. Jones: "He's at Harvard right now." Mr. Smith: "Oh, really?! Well, congratulations! What's he studying?" Mr. Jones: "Oh, he's not studying anything. They're studying him."
If you haven't read this joke
Knock-Knock Who's there? Me DUHH!!
Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know, ask the chicken!
What did the blonde say to the red head? Nothing. She couldn't remember what she was going to say!
Your so ugly, when you were born the doctors shoved you back in.
What did one penny say to another penny? Let's get together and make cents
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but it takes a certified electrician to make it work.
You are so small that on your ID picture, your feet showed.
You are a redneck if: You think the following is funny You haven't read the joke "You are a Redneck If... #900".
Yo momma is so fat if they named a hurricane after her it would have to be a category 20.
Yo mommas so stupid she asked how much she had to pay to get a free car-wash.
yo mommas so stupid, she brought a TV remote to the movie theater.
Yo Momma so dirty, she went in for a shower and lost weight!
Yo mamma is so nasty that she can help stop air pollution by not breathing.
If he concentrates on the bottle because it says, "from concentrate!"
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Yo mamas so dumb she put a quarter in a parking meter and said "Hey! Wheres my gumball?".
Q.What did one sheep call the other sheep who stole his food? A. a ba-a-astard
You might be a redneck if your baby stroller consists of a potato sack and a wheelbarrow.
Yo mama's so scary, she killed Freddy Krouger in his own dreams.
An ant and an elephant got married. After they had sex, the elephant had a heart attack and died. "Crap," the ant said. "Five minutes of passion and now the rest of my life digging a grave."
Yo mama is so stupid, when I told her to turn on the tv, she started stripping.
What disease frightens ghosts the most? BoOoOo-bonic Plague What's the difference between girl ghosts and boy ghosts? BoOoOo-bies
Why didn't the blonde make the gymnastics team? When they asked for a cartwheel, she stole a tire from the hot dog vendor.
What was the blonde college student doing at the harbor? Looking for an internship.
We have all wished for something, but think about this: Hold out your hands, wish in one, and crap in the other. Which hand do you think will get filled up first?
Q> Why did Pepsi hire Michael Jackson to do commercials again? A> Because they wanted someone to suck that little boy back out of the bottle.
Q: How does a redneck take a bubble bath? A: He farts in a puddle
Q. Why do women fake orgasms? A. Because they think men care!
Q: Why are scissors such good dancers? A: Because of their sharp moves.
Knock, knock Who's there? Did you ever hear the joke about the broken pencil? Did you ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who? Nevermind, it's pointless.
Have you seen the lottery tickets from India? If the spot on your ticket matches the spot on your forehead, you win a 7-11 store.
Parent: You two should sing in the talent show together. Tim: When pigs fly! cindy: You fly?
Q> What kind of soup do gay Chinese men like? A> Cream of sum yun guy
The only thing truly free of charge is a dead battery.
Yo momma's credit is so bad,,, The bank wants the their calendar back
What can a picnic table do that a musician can't do? Support a family of six!
The Lazy Bowl Reclining toilet: It's plush while you flush!
If Jack helped you off your horse, later would you return the favor and help Jack off his horse?
One day someone knocks on a blonde's door. She asks: "Who is it?" and the person answers: "It's me!" Then the blonde wonders, "Me?!?!?!"
Boy: May I hold your hand? Girl: It isn't very heavy. I think I can carry it myself.
You want me to write a joke!?!? The world is being attacked by aliens! AWWWWW! A warning; they have huge, hairy jaws and beady little eyes and long mangy hair and a huge nose and foul breath and and... oops. That's just you.
What was the elephant doing on the highway? About 5 mph
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? He was caught buttering up his teacher
Yo mama is so fat, when she put on a red sweater and went outside all the kids said "Kool-aid man!"
A girl walks into a bar and sits down with her friend. She is feeling down, so she talks to her friend. Her friend says "Go get a beer." She says she didn't want one. Then the friend says "Hey, who said it was for you?" copyright fox corp.
Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like your dad.
Ryan's teeth were so yellow that when he walked outside, the sun said give me my butter.
Yo momma was so fat that when she went to do her daily running, her body was moving but she wasn't.
Yo momma's so old, I slapped her back and her tits fell off.
Your momma's so fat, she uses a matress as a tampon.
Sometimes, I get so sleepy that I fall asleep at my keyboa-----hogasvfbhjhfaokL;'GRUHIKMUIHGDFJSJIKkljhvLD ;YWEHKJF,HCsssljga lrsaio.ra;ugsrol,.k,ijhekng0ljr
A man's life is difficult to understand, when born he struggles to get out of the vagina and then tries the rest of his life to get in!!!
Did you hear about the smart blonde? Neither did I!
Yo momma is so fat she used the Grand Canyon as her sidewalk.
Yo momma ain't got no hands. And yo dad ain't got no eyes. Yo momma said i'm goona slap the shit out of you. And yo daddy said i'd like to see that.
Short naps prevent aging, especially if taken while driving.
What are three two letter words for small? Is It In?
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it's biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails. "Great idea, honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."
When you marry, your spouse's family become "in-laws." So, when you divorce, does that make them "outlaws?"
Little Johnny: "Hey, Daddy, Spot just ate Mom's apple pie that was on the counter to cool off!" Dad: "Don't worry, son. We'll get you a new dog."
Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport. She's getting a little up there. She's at the age where she doesn't remember things too well. So when I saw her I said, "Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!"
"So, how did you do?" the boss asked his new salesman after his first day on the road. "All I got were two orders." "What were they? Anything good?" "Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!"
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop. "I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon. "What for?" asked his colleague. "About $17,000." "What did he have?" "Oh... About $17,000."
Your mother has something wrong with her brain. After medical examination, the doctor tells her: "Your brain has two parts: one is left, and the other is right. Your left side has nothing right, Your right side has nothing left."
Yo Mama's so fat, she doesn't need the Internet - she's already world wide.
Redneck Christmas Shopping You know you're a redneck when... you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.
A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was serious enough that he decided to change his will. At his lawyer's office, he threw his will on the table and said, "This needs an heircut."
Yo Momma so fat, when she walked into a store the beeper went of twice
Knock Knock Who's there? Doris Doris who? Door is shut thats why i knocked!
Some times when the soap bar in the shower is small enough I like to swipe it thru my butt crack and say " beep! credit card accepted"
The landlady asked me if I minded making my own bed. I said I didn't and she said great there's a hammer and nails in the corner.
Why didn't the brakes want to work? Because it was time for their lunch break.
Upon realizing that we both had the same middle name, I told the blond, "Hey we have the same middle name!" She replied, "Really? What's yours?"
I was on vacation in Texas, and was appalled by Dallas' chaotic traffic. I asked the bellhop at the hotel why it was so disorderly and was told, "In some countries they drive on the right, in others on the left. Here we drive in the shade."
They have finally started practicing safe sex in Scotland... They now paint red X's on the sheep that kick
Yo momma's so fat, when she walks she creates hurricanes.
Why did the melon jump into the water? Because it wanted to be a watermelon!!!
Why did the penny jump off the cliff and not the quarter? Because the quarter had more cents!
If Six is afraid of Seven because Seven ate (Eight) Nine, why did Six soon die? Because Six, Seven ate (Eight) (678)
Johnny: "Dad, stop drinking my root beer!!! Do I get free refills?" Dad: "Sure -- I backwashed!"
Is that a mirror in your jeans? Because I can see myself in them.
What do starving Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common? They are both living off dead Beatles.
What do you call a mouth without any teeth?- Grandma
If men and women had buttons, a man's button panel would look like... A vacuum - "On" and "Off" switch A woman's panel would look like... An airplane. So many buttons...ahhh...where's the mute?!!!
MISSION: GO TO GAP, BUY A PAIR OF PANTS Male Time: 6 min Cost: $33 Mission accomplished? Yes Extra stops: None Female Time: 3 hours 26 min Cost: $876 Mission accomplished? No Extra stops: Macy's, JC Penny, Sears...etc...etc...etc...
Chances of a Man Winning an Argument: Dating: 50% Engagement: 25% Marriage Period: 0%, very rare
Most people worry about getting AIDS from sex. Bill Clinton worries about getting sex from aides.
Did you hear Bill Clinton gave up playing his sax-a-phone? He now plays his whore-monica.
Why does Clinton wants a postage stamp issued in his image? So he gets licked more often.
Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours? Clinton was showing her the proper way to take "dic"tation.
What's the new name for the place where Bill Clinton does his business? The Oral Office.
What does Monica Lewinsky have on her resume? "Sat on the Presidential Staff"
Why does President Clinton invite so many ladies into his private study? He wants to show them his executive branch.
What's Bill Clinton's favorite movie ? Sex lies and video tape
What is Bill's definition of safe sex? When Hillary is out of town.
How does Clinton divert his attention from the latest controversy? He just keeps on plugging away.
Q. What goes clop... clop... clop... BANG! clop clop clop clop clop clop? A. An Amish driveby
Why is a blond, Blond? Isn't it obvious? They're dumb.
I'm the kind of person who laughs at a joke three times: Once it's told, once it's explained, and 5 minutes later once I get it.
This joke's so old, it has mold on it! HA HA HA!
It's pretty bad if you start typing "lol" as if it were a sentence (Lol.) Its worse if you start saying, "laugh out loud" in everday conversations. It's absolutely horrible if you actually say, "l-o-l."
Not all lawyers are bad. I've seen some graveyards full of good ones!
What is a kangaroo's favorite restaurant? IHOP!
What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
Q:After a runner reached the end of a long, gruelling marathon, officials were amazed to see him continue to run. Why did he do this? A:The man was let out of prison for the day to enter the marathon. He kept on running to avoid prison.
One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
I hate thongs! I mean, come on, Women don't need to floss their butts.
War not determine who right, war determine who left.
What is the name of a naked woman lying between two naked men? Sharin Peters
Knock-knock Who's there? Stew Stew who? Stew cold out here, let me in!
IF I LOST A DOLLAR FOR EVERY BRAIN YOU HAVE, I WOULD BE IN DEBT
Which animals eat with their ears? All of them, since no animal takes its ears off to eat!
here is a link to the joke http://miamistreetracing.com/forum/v...d.php?tid=2385
Yo Mamma is so fat she never wakes up on the wrong side of the bed; she wakes up on EVERY side of the bed!
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
Found on Roadside Dead Fucked Over Re-built Dodge
Yo Momma jokes are so stupid, I barf everytime I see one!
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
Normal people believe that "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that "If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"
Old photographers never die, they just go out of focus!
Why didn't the blonde go on the amusement park ride? Because he was too tall.
Yo Mamma so stupid, she wanted to go on a roller coaster and looked at the height, and she was too tall.
Knock-knock GO AWAY!!! WE DON'T WANT ANY!!!
Don't think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a really pretty monkey.
Why was everyone at the fancy King Crab Night Diner arrested? They were breaking the claw! So punny!
What's the quickest way to a woman's heart? Through her left breast.
What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with? A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush!
Q: What's a Polar Bear's favorite cereal? A: Ice Krispies
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got fine written all over you!!!
What do a circus and congress have in common? They are both full of CLOWNS
Yo Momma so scary, she scares Michael Jackson!
What's the best way to talk to a shark? Long distance!
Yo mama is so nasty she's got to pour sand down her pants to keep the crabs happy!
What did Dick Cheney say before he shot his hunting companion? Ready, Fire, Aim!
What do you call an intelligent, good looking man? A: A rumor!
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy
Knock-Knock? Who's There? Ice Cream. Ice Cream who? I scream for Ice Cream!!
Q: Where do spiders go to learn new words? A: WEB-sters dictionary!!
Why did the poor dog chase his tail? He was trying to make ends meet!
Ever walk into a room and forget what you came in for? Well, that's probably how dogs spend most of their lives...
Yo Momma's like a cell phone: Free on nights and weekends!
yo mamma is like a shot gun: One cock and shes ready to blow!!
George Bush to friend: Sorry I forgot your birthday. Dick Cheney forgot to put it on my to-do list.
Boys are like public toilets; they're either taken, or full of crap. (no offense to you boys)
Q: Why isn't there a pro football team in Flint, Michigan? A: Because then Detroit would want one too!
Yo momma's so stupid and so fat that when she stepped on the scale and saw three 7s, she thought she won the jackpot.
Yo momma is so dumb when she got locked in the matress king she slept on the floor
your daddies so old, i slapped his butt and his balls fell off
SAY IT REALLY FAST SAY*PINK CHEESE GREEN GHOST* FAST IF UR A TRUE LATINO YOULL GET WAT THIS MEANS
why are black people so good at basket ball? because they can Run, shoot and steal.
Yo Momma is so fat she uses a rocket ship as a dildo.
You might be redneck if you've totaled every car you've owned.
You might be a redneck if you answer to more than one nickname.
You might be a redneck if you have orange road cones in your living room!
You might be a redneck if your toenail clippers say craftsman on the side!
You might be a redneck if you've never stayed in a hotel without stealing something
You might be a redneck if you've ever videotaped a dog loving on someone's leg.
Why did the squirrel cross the road? Because it was NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was a blind guy, walking down the street. He passes a fish market, smells the fish and says," Good morning ladies."
What amimal walks with its feet on its head? a flea.
Why did the rooster cross the road? To fuck the chicken.
Why did the elephant cross the road? Because the chiken retired.
Yo momma is so stupid, she sat on the tv and watched the couch.
Yo momma is so fat she was runing in the street with a yellow raincoat and the kids thougth they mised the bus.
Why does Tigger smell so bad? Cause he's always hanging out with Pooh.
Once i bought a squirrel and I named it Melinda, and then I gave it food and then it died! Now I have a box named Joice Ann and I gave it some water and it fell down and then it died!
Why does a man wear two pairs of pants when he goes golfing? He might get a hole in one!
Why do people say "This is the first day of the rest of your life"? Isn't that true about everyday unless you die that day?
Boys are like diapers.... Always on my ass and full of shit.
what do you get when you cross a LAWYER and a LIBRARIAN? All the information you want, but you can't understand it!
Once I like bought a fox and I like named him Jorge and like he died and I cried so I bought shoes.
when your mom whent to China people would say "Run it's Godzilla!"
yo momma is so fat when she hugs people they get lost!
Q: What do you say when you see a group full of black people? A: Where is the cream filling?
Why do alot of people go to black peoples yard sales? A:To get there stuff back.
Yo momma is so stupid she got locked up in the bathroom and she peed in her pants!!
Yo Momma's so fat, when she went in a hot air balloon there was a solar eclipse!
You know you're a redneck if your fence doubles as your clothesline
You know you're a redneck if you have season tickets for the tractor pull.
You know you're a redneck if you would rather your son have his own hunting show than become a doctor.
You know you're a redneck if a city night on the town includes city jail.
You know you're a redneck if your bathroom towels are also your bathroom curtains.
You may be a redneck if your burglar alarm is a vacuum cleaner plugged into a motion detector.
You might be a redneck if you've ever watched a tornado from a lawn chair.
You know you're a redneck if you paint your garage with a paintball gun.
You might be a redneck if you've ever been fired for shooting spitballs.
What do you call a black guy and a white guy having sex? mixed nuts.
What do you call a nun's urine? Virgin Lemonade
Yo momma's so fat, she makes the sun look like a pebble!
Yo momma's so nasty, when she burped she started a nuclear war!
How are opera singers and sailors alike? They both have to handle the high seas(Cs)!
A plane was flying from New York to Canada. The plane crashes right on the border line. Where do you burry the survivors? They don't because they are survivors, therefor they never died.
Yo Momma so fat, she filled up the tub before she put the water in it.
WARNING: Racial insult to a black person. Why could a black person never get oral sex? Because the black person would taste like horribly burned food.
A little boy was in a bookstore with his dad. They were browsing for books when the little kid said,"You know American Idol?" His dad said, "Yeah." The kid then said, "If they win, they'll become poptarts!"
Q: What device lets you see through a wall? A: Window
You might be a redneck if you stare at the orange juice container because it says concentrate on it!
Yo momma's so fat, when she wore a blue rain coat people said, "Let's go swim in the ocean!"
You might be a redneck if you ride the electric floorbuffer and mistake it for your wife!!
You might be a redneck if you wear a tube top to a funeral!
You might think that some guys are hot. Their boyfriends think that, too!
Chuck Norris is.... ...stupid.
Q: What do you call an arctic animal shaped like a tooth? A: A molar bear!
Not Funny
Question: What did the frog order at McDonald's? Answer: An order of french flies and a diet croak!!
There once was a man from Perdition Who knew his way around a kitchen His wife was good lookin' The kids loved his cookin' But his mother-in-law kept on bitchin'
A man walks into a bar. He falls down, unconscious. Why is this? Because the man walked into a solid bar. A solid, metal bar!
What happens when you give a politician viagra? He gets taller.
What happens to a scone when you have eaten it? It's scone.
Yo Momma's so dumb she studied for a urine test!!
Yo momma's so ugly, yo daddy had eye surgery TO REMOVE HIS SIGHT!
Where is the safest place to hide money from a redneck? In his work boots! How can you tell a redneck has been in your backyard? Your bike is gone and the dog is pregnant!!
Q: How many newfies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 2 one to hold the light bulb and 1 to spin him round and round.
Q: How many Newfie farmers does it take to milk a cow? A: 5...One to hold the utter and four to lift the cow up and down, up and down.
How do you confuse a redneck Ask him a question that is not about NASCAR.
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied!!
Frankienstien was out on a rainy day and he saw a very ugly guy. "Lookin' good!" he said to him. Later he saw a super model he said, "So, how'd you get to be a mutant?"
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
My son is proof that anyone can be successful enough to drive a BMW or Mercedes. And besides, he looks so cute in his valet parking attendant uniform.
An elementary school teacher asked her students to write a truthful report on what they would do if they had a million dollars. There was only one student who recieved an A, and the rest failed for lying. This was the paper with the A: Johnny ...
Why did the french dog look in the toilet? Wee wee
You Might be a Redneck If you take your family to K-Mart to see a movie.
Today, if you meet someone from France, they will say, "Bonjour, Je suis de la France." This is what they would say if America knew France wasn't going to pay us back for helping them. "Hallo, bin ich von Frankreich."
Q: Why were the British fighting us in the war of 1812? A: Because they were done beating up the French, and they needed someone new to pick on.
What do scientists use to freshen their breath? Experi-mints
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks
You might be a redneck if your kids are named after the car they were made in.
One day a three legged dog walked into a bar. He said, "I'm looking for the guy that shot my paw."
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. "I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition." "Batted .007," his wife added.
Yo momma is like a radio station, everyone can turn her on.
What do you get if you cross a rhino and and elephant? Elepf-ino (pronounced "Hell if I know")
I once asked a foreign person if i could bang on his drum, he told me, "You can't bang on my drum, but you can bang on my bum!" -If this ever happens to you, run!
There is an old story about the data centre of the future. This data centre runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog. The man's job is to feed the dog. The dog's job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.
You might be a redneck if your limo at your wedding was a tractor and trailer.
You might be a redneck if your honeymoon was at the family farm.
The king had a powerful army. He reined for 7 years before clearing the clouds!!!
My computer is so old, it has a VHS slot instead of a CD/DVD slot!!!
You might be a redneck if... ...your porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs. ...you see your family reunion as a way to meet girls. ...you marry three times and still have the same in-laws.
How can you tell the difference between a violin and a fiddle? Look at the audience!
Once there was a guy who liked cheese.
I like hippos 'cause they're fat and don't care what other hippos think.
Blonds are so dumb. I'm lucky my hair is yellow.
Yo momma is so fat, she stepped on a peanut and she made peanut butter.
Yo momma is so stupid, she's stupid.
What did the robot say to the centipede? Stop being a centipede!!!................................ its funny cause the robot doesnt have any legs
A boy asked to his girl friends: What does a gay cow eat? all of his friends failed to answer. Then he stood up, and with a gay-est falsetto voice he said: Haaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!!!
Did you here about the giant with a nosebleed? It was all over town
You might be a redneck if your dog is in your bed more than your wife.
Knock-knock Who's there? Kook Kook who? Hey, who you calling cukoo mister?
Why does a cock always close his eyes when he's crowing? Because he already knows the text!!
What is the similarity between Einstein and Newton? Neither of them ever had a mobile phone!
Why do pigs STINK? Because they have four armpits..
What door cannot be pushed, even by 10 people simultaneously? The door that says: PULL
TEACHER : There is a frog, ship is sinking, potatoes cost $10/kg, then what is my age? STUDENT : 32 yrs! TEACHER : How do you know? STUDENT : Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.
You fart and you are proud of the smell
Make sure you are in a public place with a lot of people around. Sniff the air a couple of times (make sure it is loud sniffs). Turn to you wife and say in a loud voice "Hey honey did you fart?!".
Yo momma is so uncoordinated she couldn't hit water if she fell out of a boat.
Yo mommas is so fat it takes a twinky and a tub of butter to get her through the door.
Q: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls? A: Sparky!
A blind guy, a deaf guy, and an armless guy were in a cave. All of a sudden, a blind guy said he heard something, the deaf guy said he saw something, and the armless guy said "Let's kick his ass!"
Question: How long is a minute? Answer: That depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on!!
What do snakes use for birth control? An Anacondom!
Boy: Is your dad a baker? Girl: No. Why? Boy: Cause you're a cutie pie!!
Yo Momma's just like a bus. They're big, smelly, and you can ride it for a buck.
Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear?" It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?
Two Potatoes are standing on a street corner. How do you know which one is a hooker? It's the one stamped I-da-Ho (Idaho potato)
yo momma's so fat, her blood type is rocky road.
Procrastinators meeting tomorrow.
Yo mamma's so fat, when she went to the zoo elephants called her mom.
A guy goes to work and kills everyone...what is this called...? Going Postal...
I AM WRITING IN CAPITAL LETTERS BECAUSE IT MAKES IT SEEM LIKE I AM YELLING IN YOUR HEAD AND I LIKE THE IDEA OF YELLING IN YOUR HEAD. IT MAKES ME FEEL POWERFUL!!!
Is your dad a baker? Because those buns are lookin' good! I lost my phone number, can I have yours?
"Rusty Bed Spings" by I.P Nitely "Fell off a Cliff" By Ilene Dover "Bounce of a Brick Wall" by Rick O'Shey "Mini Skirts" by Seymour Buttz "Race to the Outhouse" By Willie Makit" and last but not least "Guide to One Night Stands" by Juan Teboneya"
Knock-knock! Who's there? Irish! Irish who? Irish I could think of a better joke!
You might be a redneck if you've ever bought a birthday present out of a vending machine.
You are a legal heir to a fireworks stand.
Local cops know you by your nickname.
You get homesick watching cops on TV.
Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.
Your parrot can say, "Open up, it's the police!"
You used a cheat sheet during your hunter's safety test.
Your current wife was a bridesmaid at your first wedding.
I don't get why we teach little kids the popular saying "Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye." And we wonder what is with all the violence? I mean come on that's like 100% emo.
As an insult you could say "You know, most of you weight comes from all that make-up your wearing!"
Here are two pick up lines: "Are you a Abercrombie model? Your not?!?!? You so should be!!" or "My friend (insert friend name here) thinks we should go out. Wanna?"
Birdie Birdie in the sky, Dropped some white stuff in my eye. I'm a big girl, I won't cry. I'm just glad that cows don't fly!
I sprayed my dog with spot remover. Now he is gone.
Jack and Jill went up the hill each with a buck and a quarter Jill came down with $2.50. They didn't go up for water!
There was a man who went to buy some guns. The salesman at the store asked what he wanted to shoot. He said, "Cans" So the salesman asked, "What kind of cans?" "Ameri-cans, Afri-cans,,,,"
How many jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't worry about the changes, we'll fake it! Note: In jazz, the chord changes are what dictates the improvisation of the music.
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew. "I know," replied the uncle.
A huge black man entered in a bar with a huge and colorful parrot on his shoulder. The bartender was amazed, so he asked "Where did you get that thing?" Then the parrot said, "Well they're walking all over Africa..."
Q - Why do women have nipples? A - Because, if they didn't, boobs would be pointless
Yo Momma is so fat she farted and caused global warming
You might be a redneck if for your prom you wore a strapless dress but wore a bra that wasn't.
One time, my teacher said to dump our Math books. Then she said to get your Social Studies book. Then that became history.
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis."
I'm so old, I woke up the other morning and thought I had an erection. I was really happy until I realized it was just a leg cramp!
Once I asked a guy, " Do you love me, or is that a banana in your pocket?"
You might be a redneck if you think cauliflower is a phone dating service for flowers.
You've tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up. You name your car the General Lee. You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it.
I always wondered why there are so many blond jokes,but no brunettes. I asked a brunette friend of mine. "Why do you think there are no brunette jokes?" I asked her. "Well,that's a given. Blonds are too stupid to make them up."
Knock,knock! Who's there? King! King who? King Kong is now part of China.
Why is a circle so hot???? Because it's 360 degrees!!!
Patient:"Doctor,my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages." Psychiatrist: "Rubbish! I like sausages too." Patient: Good,you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds."
Doctor: "Does it hurt when you do this?" Patient: "Yes" Doctor: "Well, you shouldn't do it then."
Knock Knock! Who's there? A chu. A chu who? Bless you!
Why wasn't the giraffe invited to the party? He was a pain in the neck to talk to.
If you name your kids after dead family pets you just might be a redneck!
It is amazing how politicians can fit all their good points in a 30 second TV commercial.
Only in America can a poor black boy turn into a rich white woman... (Michael Jackson)
Only in America can a President have relations in the oral office
If you met your wife on a hunting trip you just might be a redneck.
Yo momma is so poor, that when I went to her house, a roach tripped me and a rat took my wallet.
Yo momma is so fat, that when she fell in love , people wern't laughing but the floor was cracking up!!!
If you have more pets than relatives you just might be a redneck.
Q - Why is there a big "E" on top of the standard eye chart at the optometrist's office? A - The reason is if there was a big "O" on the chart women would lie about seeing it.
Q - What do barbed wire and a thong have in common? A - Both protect the property, but neither obstruct the view.
Why do men pick their noses while driving? Because their butts are too hard to reach!
When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.
Ralph's father said, "Let me see your report card." Ralph replied, "I don't have it." "Why not?" His father asked. "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Phillip's teacher asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?" Phillip, always fast with an answer, pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."
Mary had a little lamb! The doctor fainted!
Q :whats the best thing about children? A :making them!!
A blonde got an invitation to a party which said "Wear brown tie only!" After going to the party, she noticed that they were wearing pants and shirts also!
Yo momma is so old, that she cooked the last supper!
Yo Momma is so ugly that even Ripley's couldn't believe it!
Knock knock. Who's there? You! You who? What are you so happy about?
A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach. The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
Like I said before, I never repeat myself.
A man comes home after a party drunk. When he interrogates his wife about who she is, she replies, "I'm your wife! Did you forget me?" The man says, "Sorry, drinking makes me forget my pain."
I'm so bad my imaginary friend left me.
Why did the piece of gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!
Do you know why there are no Wal-Marts in Iraq? Because there are so many Targets.
A Director said to the actress: "You have to jump from 100 feet into a swimming pool." Actress: "But I dont know how to swim." Director: "I know, that's why I removed all the water from the swimming pool."
Q: How can you find a blonde in a submarine? A: Simple, she would be the only one with a parachute on!
GOOD JOKE: A blonde. BETTER JOKE: A blonde playing chess. BEST JOKE: The blonde wins the game.
Q: What did the blonde say after seeing the banana on the ground? A: Oh, I'm gonna slip again!!
A man asked a woman,"Will you marry me?" The woman replied,"No." They both lived happily ever after!
you've ever called the towtruck on yourself because you couldn't afford gas.
What 3 words are in the name Amanda? A, man, DUH!!
You might be a redneck if you wore a jumper to your prom.
You might be a redneck if your swimsuit is your bra and underwear.
Umm...why is this category called "blond" when really it's spelled "blonde"??
The 1st blonde says-"I hate you!I never want to see you again." The smarted 2nd twin says-"You idiot!Then don't look in the mirror!" The 1st says-"Why can't I look in the mirror?" The 2nd says-"Because we're twins and we look exactly the same!"
Q: What is orange, red, and lies in the grass? A: A wounded cheesie!
Why was the baby ant afraid of his uncles? Because his uncles were all ants!
One day Socrates is walking down the road and sees his old friend Uripedes carrying a pair of pants. Socrates says "Hi, Uripedes" Uripidees says "I sure did, Usodes?"
1: Fatten every one around you to make them look bigger. You'll look thinner 2: If no-one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 3: Drink a diet soda with your candy bar. They'll cancel each other out. 4: Life's short, eat dessert first.
How do you say constipated in German? farfrompoopin
Yo momma so stupid she brought the jigsaw puzzle back to the store because she thought it was broken!
There was a child named Laura. She asked her mom what the hardest report she ever had to do was. Her mom said, "It was to write an essay on the belly of a frog." Laura said, "Wow!!How did you get the frog in to the typewriter?"
Once,there was a teacher and a girl named Wendy.The teacher asked for Wendy to say a sentence starting with the word I. So wendy started to say I is....Then the teacher said, "No Wendy, it is I am." So Wendy said, "I am the ninth letter if the alphabet."
Matt: I bet you can't spell "I cup." Sarah: I C-U-P Matt: Eww! You see me pee!
Why did the husband ask the wife before they were married to find her own friends for life? Because like most marriages he knows they will hate each other one day and she will need help from her friends or she commit suicide.
If you were a boy and your parents named you dick. Wouldn't you be embarassed and change your name officially?
Now I lay me down to sleep With the boy across the street Won't my mommy be surprised When my tummy starts to rise Won't my daddy be disgusted When he finds my cherry's busted.
A boy go to a girls house and notice her home is very messy and full of paper and clay pot and clothing all over. The boy tell her he bring some pot to her and she answer there is clay pot all over home.
Yo Momma is so dumb everytime she hears a car horn she yells "Happy New Year!"
Yo Momma's so fat they show IMAX movies on her butt!
What do you call 2 lesbians in a cupboard? A: A liquor cabinet!
Why is marriage so much like a tornado? At first there is a lot of huffing and blowing, in the end someone loses their house.
Did you hear about the blonde who ran for president? She got tired after 2 miles and dropped out of the running.
Why did the kid like the bowl of carrots and peas? Because he could eat every carrot and pea in the bowl.
If a guy is a "chick magnet", and opposites attract, doesn't that make him gay?
You momma is so stupid, she went to the Clippers game to get a haircut!
A blond in a mathematics test encountered this problem Find X This was her answer i i \ i \ 14.6578i \ i \ X________ Here it is i \ i \ i \ i \ i_________\ 12.76