corrade-lsl-templates – Rev 15
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"Teacher, I can't do this problem!" "Any five year old can do that problem." "Damn! No wonder I can't do it! I'm almost ten!"
Atlas is the biggest thief in history, because he held up the whole world.
Knock-knock. Who's there? Terra. Terra who? Terra reason you won't let me in?
What do you get when every car in the nation is pink? Answer: a pink carnation (the flower)
Have you heard about the new blonde paint? It's not too bright but it spreads real easy.
What do you call a horny fish? A blowfish
Teacher: Jimmy! Count from one all the way to ten! Jimmy: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. Teacher: Good, now what comes after that? Jimmy:Jack, queen and king!
What is 4-2? two. What is 8-6? two. Who wrote Tom Sawyer? Twain Now say the answers altogether. Two two Twain. Have a nice twip!
Child: "Teacher! I can't find my boots!" Teacher: "Are you sure?" Child: "Yes! There is only one pair left, and it's not mine!" Teacher:"Are you sure?" Child:" Definitely! Mine had snow on them!"
Why don't skeletons ever play music at church? Because they don't have any organs!
What did the statue say to the other after a break-up and make-up? I'm sorry I took you for granite. (granted) hahahaha
Why does Hershey's chocolate taste so good? Because they are made by women! (Her-She) hahahaha
A golf ball is a golf ball, no matter how you putt it.
Child: Mommy, why am I so skinny? Mommy: Don't worry about it, dear. When your father was born, he only weighed four pounds. Child: Really? Did he live?
My uncle is very superstitious. He won't work any week that has a Friday in it.
yo momma so fat she played pool with the planets!
Earth Worm: Oh, I wish that darn evil Mister Barney hadn't chopped my brother into two sections! Other Earth Worm: Why? Earth Worm: Because, now I have two half brothers!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A: The lawyer charges more.
Melvin checked out a book from the library because the title read "How to Hug". It turned out to be volume 7 of the encyclopedia.
You're pretty... pretty ugly! You finally figured out how to screw in that lightbulb, but the power went out. You're smart... smart as a fencepost!
yo momma is so poor everytime someone rings the doorbell the toilet flushes
You're so stupid you thought "harass" was two words!
Q: Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job? A: He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!
If my dog's face looked like your face, I'd shave his ass and make him walk backwards!
Knock Knock. Who's there? Ike, Anne, Wyatt, Tillie. Ike, Anne, Wyatt, Tillie who? Ike Anne Wyatt Tillie (I can't wait till) it's three o' clock!
What is it called when an insect kills themself? Pesticide!
Knock Knock. Who's there? Dewey. Dewey Who? Dewey(Do we) have to listen to all this knocking?
Knock knock. Who's there? Justin. Justin who? Justin town and thought I'd say hello.
Knock knock? Who's there? Water. Water who? Water you doing?
Knock knock? Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald(I swallowed) my gum!
Knock knock? Who's there? Kip. Kip who? Kip your hands off me!
Knock knock? Who's there? Howie. Howie who? Howie gonna figure this out?
yo momma so dumb that she went to the movies and after they told her under 17 not permitted she went back and got 16 more friends.
You have a face like a baby, with a brain to match. * Credited to my friend fqzeng.
Your Mama's so fat when she went to a hotel she asked for a water bed and they just covered up the pool with a blanket and said no divers.
The accountant's prayer: "Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am, Eastern Daylight Saving Time."
"Somebody complimented on my driving today," a blonde told her friend, "I found a note on my windshield that said'Parking Fine'."
How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to turn it the other to grade the person.
Q: Why do blondes drive VWs ? A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE
After class ends a 1st grader goes up to his teacher and says, "I don't mean to scare you Teacher but my parents said that if I keep getting bad grades, then..." "Somebody's gonna get a spanking." (nodnod)
yo momma so skinny she can hula-hoop with a cheerio.
You know your day is bad if your twin sister forgot your birthday.
Yo momma so dumb that when we told her it was a serial killer on the loose she went and locked all the boxes of cereal up in the cabinet.
How do you know if you're a redneck? If you go to a cousin's wedding looking for a girlfriend.
Yo momma so fat she went on a sea food diet - she see food and eat it.
knock-knock. who's there? yo mama. yo mama who? this is yo mama stop playing.
My friend's mom is so fat I was upstairs and when she fell I ran down screaming, "EARTHQUAKE!"
What's the difference between snow men and snow women? Snow BALLS! (Ding dong kind)
Yo momma so stupid she went to commit suicide and tried to jump out her basement window.
yo momma so fat she has her own area code.
What do you get when you mix cigarettes in hot water? A soggy butt.
Why are there so few amusement parks in Japan? Because they aren't tall enough to ride them!
Knock knock. Who's there? Sue. Sue who? I'll sue you if ya don't let me in!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has stolen your bike? A: She's running away with it under her arm.
An Indian man made a painting with the sun above a beach. He proudly displayed his painting. When people marvel at his work and asked, "What's it called?" He said, "Sun of a Beach."
Did you hear about the tree that made an Ash of itself?
Yo momma so dumb, that when we told her it was chilly outside she ran out with a bowl and a spoon.
Q: How do you serve food in space? A: On flying saucers
Q. Why was Moses the most wicked man? A. He broke all 10 Commandments at once. Q. What animal could Noah not trust? A. The cheetah. Q. What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark? A. Flood lights.
Exam Question: Define courage. Student Answer: This is.
Knock-knock! Who's there? Yoda! Yoda who? Yo-da door's stuck! Lemme in!
At weddings old people poke me and say, "You're next!" At funerals, I do the same.
Yo momma so fat, she used pillowcases for socks.
Friend 1:"Yeh,you are looking too fat." Friend 2:"You are looking too old." Friend 1:"I am not old." Friend 2:"Then, I am not too fat."
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
Teacher: Joey, your behavior is terrible! How many more times am I going to have to keep you in after school? Joey: 97. Teacher: 97? Joey: Yeah. That's how many days are left until the summer holidays.
What goes 99-clump, 99-clump, 99-clump? A centipede with a wooden leg.
Knock Knock. Who's there? Swen. Swen who? Swen are you going let me in!?
The closest you've ever come to a brainstorm is a light drizzle!
What does a blond think the last 2 words of the national anthem are? Play ball!
What does Hannibal Lecter call Britney Spears? Dinner at Hooters.
Lady : Is this my train? Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company. Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean, can I take this train to Kuala Lumpur? Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
Oh, what a shame. It looks like the Ugly Fairy kissed you on both cheeks.
What's the hardest part of skydiving? The ground!
What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a shark? Far far away!
A Mexican and an Iraqi terrorist are in a car. Who's driving? Answer: The police.
Analogy of sex: Insert the 'quarter' into the 'vending machine' and then the 'gumball' comes out.
"What's wrong with you?" you asked a very dumb guy that was taking your order at the newest resturant in town. "The doctor doesn't know yet, hehe (snort)."
Why did the chicken pox cross the road? He was afraid if he stayed he would be spotted.
How do the kids of dentists get around the neighborhood? On Molar-Skates
What movie is really the sequel to April Fools? The May-Tricks
What's Samurai Jack's favorite fish? Swordfish
What monster was created on April 1? Pranken-stien
Knock-Knock! Who's there? Frayed. Frayed who? Frayed no one's going to answer the door.
The skeleton walked into the bar and asked, "Can I have a beer and a mop?"
What did Tennessee? What Arkansas.
What kind of cheese is not yours? Nacho cheese
The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked in the box of cheerios? A: Oh look, donut seeds!
An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?" "How would you feel," the astronout replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"
Yo momma's so ugly, when she went to the house of mirrors, it collapsed.
Yo mommas so old her birth certificate says "EXPIRED"
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap the "Whopper"!!!
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Mr Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
A blonde and her friend were tracing their names from stencils to cut out. When they ran out of room, the blonde turned the paper over and said,"Hey, there's lots more room on this side!"
What do you call a woodpecker without a beak? A headbanger.
Roses are red, Violets are blue. Yo momma is ugly, And she looks just like you.
Man: Haven't we been on a couple dates before? Woman: Couldn't have been. I don't make the same mistake twice.
BOB- We were learning about fractions today in math class. JOE- Oh, really? What did you learn? BOB- One half of what I was supposed to!
What's the difference between MJ and Mr. Potato Head? MJ has more noses. How are MJ and a Wal-Mart bag alike? They're both plastic and hazardous to children.
What did the dick say to the condom? Cover me, I'm goin in!
Which comes first, Ben-Gay or Preparation H? Ben-Gay. After you have been gay, you'll need the Preparation H.
Q: What did the blonde say when she crossed the road? A: Hey! How'd I get over here?
Yo momma is like a brick. She's flat on all sides and gets laid all day.
Recently, Today Tonight have held a survey. The results indicate that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
Knock knock who's there? Ivanna Ivanna who? Ivanna come in, dammit!
Little johnny walked into a club where people were doing the macarena. He watched them for a while, and asked someone: "What are you guys doing? Searching for your wallets?"
Yo momma so fat that when she went out dressed in green she got arrested for driving a tank.
Why did Humpty dumpty go to the shrink? Cause he was half cracked.
A middle school student was working at a shop for his after-school job. He had on a Dairy Queen shirt. A kindergarten student walked up to him and said, "Wow, I have 3 of those shirts! You must be cheap!"
How come people are willing to get up off their butts to search the whole room for the remote, because they refuse to get up and change channels manually?
This is a joke song ok "I pledge allegiance to the flag, Micheal Jackson is a fag. He used to play with little toys, but now he plays with little boys."
Yo momma's so ugly, she looked at me and my eyes burned off.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tracks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK"
I heard they were going to name a highway after Willie Nelson in Texas... But be Warned: When taking this highway look out for pot holes!
Did you here about the new redneck Barbie doll? It comes with twelve kids, aids, and a welfare check.
One morning, during breakfast, I say, "I had the strangest dream. It was about aliens." My mother asks, "What are aliens?" My father asks, "What kind?"
Yo momma can be used as a weapon: she's so ugly, she'll blind house robbers!
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from KFC
Knock-Knock! Who's there? Broken tape recorder, Broken tape recorder who? Broken tape recorder, Broken tape recorder, Broken tape recorder, Broken tape recorder, Broken tape recorder...
Knock-Knock! Who's there? Pencil. Pencil who? Pencil fall down if you don't wear a belt.
Knock-Knock! Who's there? Chugga Chugga Chooch Chugga Chugga Chooch Who? Wheeee!! A train! All aboard!
Yo Momma's feet are so ashy she leaves white footprints. Yo Momma's house is so nasty the roaches moved out. Yo Momma's hair is so short it's ingrown. I would stay and chat, but yo momma's water bowl is empty.
A wise man once said. I Don't know ask A Girl! A wise man Once Said. Life sucks and then we die.
I didn't lose my mind! I sold it on Ebay...
For all of you who say I need anger management... Just to let you know, if I could control my anger, I'd destroy you with it!
We and You is friends. You smile, We smile..... You hurt, We hurt.... You cry, We cry... You jump off a bridge... We gonna miss you!
Could you fax me your photo very very urgently? Mind you it's really very very urgent, damn serious and very important ..... I'm playing cards and we've misplaced the JOKER.
PLEASE DON'T SMOKE IN MY OFFICE! I enjoy sex more than you enjoy smoking but you don't see me screwing in your office.
What she says: Any ring is fine, as long as I have you. What she's thinking: No diamond? How cheap! I'll make his life a living hell! I'll put poison in his coffee! I'll cut his brake lines! Get her a diamond, idiot!!
Dear brother, I smile because you are my brother. I laugh because there is absolutely nothing you can do about it!
Batman once wrote on the wall, "Superman is a wimp." The next day, Superman wrote "Batman is Bruce Wayne."
Why did the penny become angry with the nickel? Because the nickel was a "penny pincher".
What did one tradesman say to another? I hope you have a "barter" day tomorrow.
Knock knock. Who's there? No one. No one who? No one to tell you who's here!
Why did the blonde bury her walkman? Because the batteries were dead.
How does a stereotypical blonde spell "farm"? E-I-E-I-O
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
What's the difference between a Mexican and a Bench? A bench can support a whole family.
Girl, "Oh, Superman I love you so much!" Superman,"I don't blame you."
CAT 1- So how'd that milk drinking contest go? CAT 2- Oh, I won by six laps.
BOB: Hey, I ran into George the other day. JOE: Oh, really? Was he happy to see you? BOB: Well, we were in our cars at the time...
Yo Momma is so fat that when she put on a yellow jacket kids tried to get on it to go to school because they thought it was a bus.
If a man speaks in the middle of the forest and no women are around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Some common phrases that bees should know: Are you are hipbee? How comb? Hive already finished.
Stupidity is not a crime... So you're free to go!
You're so old your social security number is 1!
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other
You were so ugly as a baby, your incubator was tinted.
My family has no traditions. We just do the same thing, over and over again, each year.
Knock-knock? Who's there? Estelle. Estelle Who? Estelle am waiting for you to open this door!
LADY TO BEGGAR- Why don't you get a job? BEGGAR- Actually, I'm an author. I once wrote a book entitled "One Hundred Ways to Make Money." LADY- Well then why are you begging? BEGGAR- It's one of my ways...
"So what's your dog's name?" "I don't know. He won't tell me."
PATIENT: "Doctor can you help me? It's my hearing. I can't even hear myself cough." DOCTOR: "Okay, have this prescription filled." PATIENT: "Oh, will it improve my hearing?" DOCTOR: "No, but it will help you cough better."
FOREST WARDEN: "Which of you saw this rare tree get cut down? CAMPER: "Only the chain saw."
CUSTOMER: "Look at that watch you sold me. It broke. You told me it would last a lifetime." CLERK: "Yeah, well you looked pretty sick the day you bought it."
JUDGE: "The court can produce a dozen witnesses who saw you rob the bank." ROBBER: "Big deal! I can bring in hundreds of people who didn't see it!"
DOCTOR: "Do you smoke or drink?" PATIENT: "I didn't know I had a choice."
PIANO PLAYER: "Do you think I have a gift for playing?" LISTENER: "No, but I'll give you one for stopping!"
yo momma so short that when she sat on the curb her legs swing
Rising gas prices have caused the following event: The wife comes home and says, "It's been a tough week. I want you to take me someplace expensive tonight." The husband promptly takes her to the nearest Gas Station.
Mom (Reprimandingly): Julia! How many times must I tell you not to pull the cat's tail? Julia (Innocently): But Mom, I'm only holding the tail. It's the cat that's doing the pulling.
Little Mikey's parents were going out, and Mikey said, "For 20 bucks, Dad, I'll be good." "Oh please," said his father. "When I was your age, I was good for nothing."
"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?" "I don't know; and I couldn't care less."
A man with two left feet walked into a shoe store and asked, " Do you have any flip-flips?"
A dumb blonde, smart blonde, santa clause, and the tooth fairy are walking on the sidewalk together. One of them steps on a five dollar bill. Who picks it up? Answer no one!! three of them don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
Knock-Knock Who's there? I'm a pile up. I'm a pile up who? Yes, you are a pile of poo!
BOB- It's Friday the 13th. Do you have any superstitions? GEORGE- I think it's unlucky to have superstitions.
Q: Why do black people have white hands? A: Everyone has a little good in them
Q: What do you call it, when a bison gets a loan? A: A Buffa-loan!
Daddy: Get the Nuts son Bobby: Yes Dad Daddy: Ouch!
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken.Call the manager! Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
A man was searching the dictionary for the word 'Dictionary'. He found this meaning: Dictionary is the thing you are holding, Stupid. Wondering what the definition of stupid was, he searched for the word stupid, he found: Is that you again?
Q: How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They merely change the standard to darkness and upgrade the customers.
Why did the book have to go to the hospital? Because it injured its spine.
Eminem/ M & M: I don't like the rapper, but I like the candy inside the wrapper.
You know you're a redneck when your brand new tv is sitting on your old ones.
It's only funny until someone gets hurt... Then it's hilarious!
yo mammas breath so nasty that when she burps her teeth have to duck
I went into your house, took a booger off the wall and yo mamma told me not to touch the family portrait.
Your mom is so stupid she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.
Yo Mama's so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say, "Damn! Is it Halloween already?"
What did the clock say to the wristwatch? "I enjoyed tocking with you, but now you're starting to tick me off."
Vegetable: "Hey, lets get married." Fruit: "I'm sorry." Vegetable: "We could secretly get married." Fruit: "No, we couldn't." Vegetable: "Why?" Fruit: "Because we can't elope." Can't elope = cantelope
Do you know what style of shoes a frog loves most? Open toad!
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
Your Momma's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles people SLOW DOWN!
Don't drink and drive, you'll spill your beer.
Women are like beer. They look good, smell good, taste good, and feel good. But after a while you gotta have another beer!
Yo Momma so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
Yo Momma so poor, she wore her McDonalds uniform to church.
What kind of monkey eats chips? A chipmunk!
"Doctor, Doctor! My friend has only 59 seconds to live." "Don't worry, I'll be there in a minute."
I work at Bed, Bath and Beyond in the 'Beyond' dept.
If to give a man a fish, he eats for a day, but if you teach a man to fish... He has to buy a license, poles, bait, and sit on his behind for four hours.
Q. How many ADD kids does it take to change a light bulb? A. Hey, let's go ride bikes!
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who can do binary and those who can't.
How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear.
Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?
Yo Momma so small, she held up a sign that said "Don't spit, I can't swim."
If your dog farts and YOU claim it... you might be a redneck.
Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said aloud, "I feel like a new man!" "I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded, "but I'll probably go home with the same old one."
Yo momma so fat she doesnt have dreams... she has MOTION PICTURES!
Two guys were at the gym. Bob asked Ben, "How did the date go with my sister?" Bob replied, "I didn't know your sister was famous. When I took her to the opera, and when it was over no one would leave until she stood up and sang."
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her.
Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence.
Yo mama's so funky, they closed the beaches for a week after she drained her bath water.
Yo mama's so poor she can't even pay attention.
If the most common phrase in your house is "Somebody go jiggle the handle!"... you might be a redneck.
What is more peculiar than watching a catfish? Watching a goldfish bowl.
Why did the banana go to the doctors? Because it wasn't peeling well
What do elephants always bring on holiday? A trunk.
Why is a football pitch so cold? Because of all the fans
What are Martians favorite sweets? Mars-mallows.
What do you give a sick pig? Oinkment.
Which fish is the most valuable in the sea? A goldfish.
What type of saw cuts the sea? A see-saw.
What is the noisiest part of a tree? Its bark.
Ever been to KFC? Ever notice that sometimes their toilets do not provide toilet rolls? Reason being that they uphold their motto: "It's finger licking good!"
A woman and her goose walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "Why'd you bring the pig in the bar?" The woman answered, "I do believe this is a goose!" The bartender says, "I was talking to the goose!"
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a monkey? George W. Bush
What's grosser than gross? When you find a used tampon in your ketchup bottle.
What's grosser than gross? When you're eating a bowl of rice crispies and one gets up and slithers away.
My mouth has turned into a flower bed. It has tulips.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive.
What's a man's ultimate embarrassment? Having an erection, walking into a wall, and hurting his nose.
What kind of sign does a prostitute hang on her door when she goes on vacation? "GO SCREW YOURSELF!"
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? A. Money.
Always be smarter than the inanimate object that you're working with.
A man said to his golfing friend, "I hit two of my best balls yesterday!" "Oh yeah?" "Yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker."
What are the first 4 words in the Mexican National Anthem? "Attention all K-Mart shoppers"
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A:To get to the shell gas station!
What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe? Answer: Roberto.
Ever wonder why bottled water costs so much when there is so much of it? Spell "evian" backwards.....
There are 3 religious truths: Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian Faith Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters
ok, If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the Jags, and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers known as Bucs, what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
Two friends were talking. The first one said to the other, "Hey, have you seen the movie, "Constipated" yet?" The other replied, "Of course not! It hasn't come out yet."
Students... Take Note: Knowledge is power ... But power corrupts ... And corruption is a crime ... And crime doesn't pay ... So if you keep on studying you'll go broke!
After every line I type, say out loud to yourself, Hairy Pickle There once was a guy named He lived in a town called Nobody did like So they hung him buy his
Yo momma so stupid, she thought that Tiger Woods was a place that was dangerous.
What do you call the best fishermen in the state? Master Baiters
Yo Momma so stupid, she tried to cut through a safe with a Laser Tag gun!
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
The law of drunkenness- You can't fall off the floor.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
I didn't lose my mind, I just let it wander and it never came back. I miss it so much.
Yo momma's so fat she tried on Orion's belt.
Q: What's the difference between a blond and a toothbrush? A: You don't lend a toothbrush to your best friend.
What was the female math book that lived underwater wearing? An algae-bra
Q: Why did the boy wear a diaper to the party? A: He didn't want to be a party pooper.
Q: What do you do when your nose goes on strike? A: Pick it.
FRIEND: You don't look so good, what's wrong? HARRY: I got domestic trouble. FRIEND: But Harry you always said your wife was a pearl. HARRY: Yeah its the mother of pearl that's the problem.
Q: How do you recognize a blonde in school? A: They are the only ones who erase their notebook when the teacher erases the board.
Q: What does a blonde do when it gets cold? A: Sits around a candle Q: What does she do when it gets really cold? A: Lights it
A redneck taped toilet paper to his television. He said, "Hey, lookie here, now we have free paper view!"
Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl? A: He got pissed off.
A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
Q: What's weirder than a talking dog? A: A spelling bee!
Knock-Knock. Who's There? Cargo. Cargo Who? Car Go "Beep, Beep!"
According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money
"Live in a way such that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." -- Will Rogers, Humorist
You're so broke, your bologna doesn't have a first name.
Kock-knock. Who's there? Please. Please who? It's the police! Open the door!
Yo momma's so fat, when she goes to get the mail it measures on the Richter scale.
Remember- There's a light at the end of every tunnel... just hope it's not a train!
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids don't eat broccoli.
Teacher: "Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?" Johnny: "I don't know." Teacher: "Bark, Johnny, bark." Johnny: "Bow, wow, wow!"
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marajiuana, Jack got high and unzipped his fly and Jill said I don't wanna.
One drunk to another: "Have you ever been so drunk you'd kiss a woman's stomach?" Second drunk: "I've been drunker than that!"
A black female is having trouble with her menses. She goes to the gynecologist and he asks: "Mrs. Williams, what kind of flow do you have?" "Linoleum" she replies.
What's the difference between a prostitute, your mistress and your wife? The prostitute says, "Are you done yet?" Your mistress says, "You're not done yet!" And your wife says, "Beige, I think we ought to paint the ceiling beige."
Indian chief addressing the tribe says: "I've got good news an bad news. The bad news is 5000 college students just moved next door to the reservation ... good news is, they taste like buffalo."
What's the difference between a "fox" and a "dog?" About 6 drinks.
It's impossible to be a participant in the march of time and not get a few blisters.
Nobody can breathe out of their nose and mouth at the same time. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * You know, 95% of the people who read this try to do it...well, it's impossible!!! DUH!!!! (lol)
*Types Password* -Penis ~We're sorry, the password you have entered isn't long enough.
yo momma's so fat that when she stepped on an air-plane she got arrested for 800 pounds of crack.
You are stuck in a foxhole with a cobra, Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and only two bullets in your gun. What do you do? Shoot the lawyer twice.
What does a blonde do when her computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave.
What is Helen Keller's favorite color? Corduroy.
Politics - A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage
Why is there an L in NOEL?
When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it's an anagram of 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not!
Yo mama's so skinny, when she wears striped PJ's there's only 2 stripes.
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head were swimming the breast stroke in a race. The blonde comes in last and says "Not to be a sore loser or anything, but I think the other girls were using their hands.".
Did you hear about the inexperienced terrorist who tried to blow up a bus? He burnt his mouth on the exhaust pipe.
Q:What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer? A:The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead.
Your momma's butt is so big when she sits down she's three feet taller.
Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller. "Two men are madly in love with me!" Goldie says. "Who will be the lucky one?" The swami answers...."Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one."
Your momma so white and ugly Michael Jackson took one glance and thought he was looking into a mirror!
What was the witches favorite subject in school? SPELLing
Knock-Knock Who's there? Apricot. Apricot who? Apricot my key, open up!
Q: Why are cats similar to sentences? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has pause at the end of its clause.
"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?" "Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."
Mary had a little lamb, And a little pony too, She put the pony in a field, And the lamb into a stew!!
His death won't be listed under "Obituaries," it will be under "Neighborhood Improvements."
1st woman: I took my son to the zoo yesterday. 2nd woman: Did they accept him?
Teacher: Recite your tables to me, Joan. Joan: Dining table, kitchen table, bedside table...
1st man: My son was born on Saint David's day, so I called him David. 2nd man: My son was born on Saint Patrick's day, so I called him Patrick. 3rd man: Well, my son was born on Shrove Tuesday, so I called him Pancakes.
If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel
Yo Momma so dumb, she was killed in a pie eating contest when the cow sat on her!
Q: What do you have when there are 100 rabbits standing in a row and they all start hopping backwards? A: Receding hare line.
Reporters asked Dan Quayle what he thought of Roe v. Wade? His response: "Two alternate ways to cross the Potomac."
What does the "O" and the "N" stand for in 'CLEMSON'? The "O" is for honor, and the "N" for knowledge.
Ever hear about the Polish athlete who won a gold medal? He had it bronzed.
Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Knock-Knock. Who's There? Tank. Tank Who? You're Welcome!
What's a Jewish dilemma? A free ham sandwich.
Actual bumper sticker on a jeep (the writing was upside down). "If you can read this, flip me over!"
What has wheels and flies? Answer: Garbage truck
You don't have to go faster than the bear, you just have to go faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.
Q. What are the strongest days of the week? A. Saturday and Sunday, because all the rest are week days.
Yo Momma is so poor, I saw her walking down the street with one shoe, and I said, "Hey, you lost a shoe." And she said, "No, I found one."
Yo Momma is so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "Okay!"
1) Umm... 2) Well... 3) Hmmm, er... 4)
A man and his love had a terrible spat: She scratched his face and he knocked her flat; She spat at him and he threw her around; She jumped from behind and he fell to the ground. How sad to see such trouble as that... Between a man and his household cat!
Q: What did the little chick say when his mom laid an orange? A: Look at the orange-mama-lade!
aaaaa
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?". The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".
What' did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.
Yo momma so stupid, she looked in the Cd player for her cassette tape!
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
If you want to make someone laugh, use this line: Sorry. say that again. I couldn't hear you over my fart.
Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back!
Q: What does Donald Trump say before he lights off a fire work? A:You`re fired!
yo mamma so fat that her nickname is you gonna eat that
Q: How do you sink a canadian submarine? A: You swim underneath it and knock on the door
A mother complained to a doctor about her daughter's strange eating habits. "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?" "Don't worry," said the doctor. "Eventually, she'll rise and shine.
Yo momma so fat, she tripped on 4th Ave. and she landed on 12th!
One dog said to her pups, "Don't ever bite the hand that feeds you. Any other hand is ok, though."
A boy walked up to a man and asked, "Hey mister, wanna donate to the WE NEED HELP children's fund?" the man said, "No, but I will donate a pack of listerine bottles because I hope all of the kids' breath don't smell as bad as yours!" (real life situation)
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what is your third question?"
You know you're ghetto when you carry food stamps in a money clip!
What kind of shoes do you wear to the beach? SANDals!
Knock-Knock Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? I didn't know you could yodel!
Dogs have masters, cats have staff.
Knock, knock. Who's There? Yule. Yule who? Yule never know until you open the door!
Q: Why are hairdressers always on time? A: Because they know all the short cuts!
Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women... 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
Wait a second!!! I am NOT a loser! I have tried. I am a failure.
Yo momma so stupid that she forgot where she parked her car in an empty parking lot!
What did the male rabbit buy the female rabbit for her birthday? 14 carrot gold!
Why couldn't the glass fool anybody? Because everybody could see right through him!
Q: How can you tell when a bucket gets sick? A: It becomes a little pale.
A blonde walks into a restaraunt and asks for fish and chips. When she sees the fries on her plate she says "I asked for chips, not fries!"
A blond is in math class. The teacher says, "We are going to be learning about pi (3.14) today. Does anyone know what that is?" The blond says "I do. I made a cherry one this morning."
Knock Knock Who's there? Candy Candy who? Candy have some sweets? Please!
Knock Knock Who's there? Snowflake. Snowflake who? There's snowflake like home!
Courtney: Let's see who can stay up the longest tonight. Kaitlyn: I know! We'll pinch each other every ten minutes to make sure we don't fall asleep! Starting right NOW! Courtney: Hey, I'm not even tired! Kaitlyn: See, my plan is working!
What do you call a dinosaur that is able to give you a synonym for any word you give him? Answer: A Thesaurus! :)
1. The Yankees General Manager's name is Brian Cashman. 2. Barry Bonds' initals are BB, the abreviation for a walk is also BB.
What key opens no lock? A Monkey!
What key opens no lock? A Turkey!
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine!
There was a big moron and a little moron, sitting on a ledge. The big moron fell off. Why? Because the little moron was a little more on.
Don't let your mind wander. It's too small to be out on its own.
Cathy was looking through the window of a clothes store when she spotted a pair of short-shorts. "Wow, these pants are half off!" she told her uncle. Her uncle said "They should be, they are only a half pair of pants."
What's the difference between an ice-cream? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A motorcycle, it has no wheels. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Hehe, you should have seen your face!!!
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
What is the answer to this riddle? What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die? A: Nothing
Q: What do the Star Trek Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? A: They both circle around Uranus searching for Klingons!
How do you make one disappear? Add the letter g, to make it GONE!
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
What did the porcupine say to the cactus? "Is that you, mommy?"
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite
Yo momma is so dumb, she tried to fix breaking news!
What is a cat's favorite part of the computer? The mouse!
What's a ghost's least favorite room in a house? -The living room
Knock-knock Who's there? Olive Olive who? Olive you!!!
Why did the kid walk backwards to school? Because it was back to school day!
How do spell mousetrap with only three letters? C-A-T
One eye says to the other eye, "Between you and me, something smells."
Where does a judge eat lunch? At the food court!
Why did 3 blonds jump off the building? To see if their maxi-pads had wings!
Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
JUST because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
When I die I want to go peacefully - like my grandfather did - in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.
Why are there no phone books in China? Because there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number.
Did you hear about the new muslim air mattress? It blows itself up.
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
Why did the chicken go across the field? Because the referee shouted "FOWL"!
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
Yo momma so fat, she has to use the highway as a slip and slide!
What crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
Yo mama's so short, she had 2 cuff her panties.
Yo mama's so fat, she jumped on the arch and made it into the MacDonald's M.
yo mama's so fat, she waz about 2 jump in the ocean, and the ocean jumped out and said u 1st.
When you go into the bathroom you're Russian; when you are in the bathroom, European; when you come out of the bathroom, you're Finnish. You have to read the nationalities slowly
What's the difference between a duck and a spider? A duck has a web in its feet, a spider has its feet in a web!
What do you get when you cross a praying mantis with a termite? A bug that says grace before eating your house.
Johnny and his mother were having a parent-teacher conference. MOTHER: Johnny really enjoys having you as a teacher, Mrs. Bengal. JOHNNY: Really? I didn't know it was opposite day!
1. If you had a $25 bill, what would you do with it? 2. How many tomatoes grow on a tree? 3. How many animals did Moses take on the ark?
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in front of a door? Matt What do you call a guy with no arms or legs swimming? Bob What do you call a guy with no arms or legs water skiing? Skip
(These are fake books, but they make me laugh) "Spots on the Wall" by Hoo-flung-poo "Under the Bleachers" by Seamore Butts "Ten Steps from the Outhouse" by Willie Makeit, Illustrations by Bettie Cant
Why are all the numbers scared of 7? Because 7 ate 9!
Knock Knock. Whos there? Deaf person. Deaf person who? Sorry, can't hear you.
Yo Momma so dumb when she went through the McDonalds drive through, she drove through McDonalds.
A blonde laughs at a joke 3 times. When the joke is told, When the joke is explained, And 5 days later, when she gets it.
I know this might be a little on the stupid side but I think it's funny... Happy Birthday to you.. You live in a zoo.. You smell like a monkey.. And you look like one too..
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex? A. They're called Predicaments
If someone says, "A penny for your thoughts,", and you give them your two cents worth, what happens to the other penny?
Yo momma's breath is so stank the thermometer read, "I Quit!"
Yo Momma's so fat, she wears a microwave as a beeper.
Q. what is more diffucult than getting a pregnant elephant in your car? A. getting an elephant pregnant in your car
Q. Why are families like chocolate? A. They are mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
Dad: Courtney, do you want penne pasta for dinner? Courtney: No, but I'll have dime or quarter pasta.
Yo moma so fat, when she sat down, she sat next to Everyone!
Knock Knock ! Who's there ? Bless ! Bless who ? I didn't sneeze !
Knock Knock Who's there ! Banana ! Banana who ? Banana split, so ice creamed !
Yo Mommas like a really popular website;over 10,000 hits a day
A drunken guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you,Batman!?"
What has 40 teeth and holds back a monster? My zipper.
Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. That is what their students are for.
Q. What do me and a mirror have in common? A. When we see your face we both crack up!
You're so dumb you stole free samples.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a wood tick? A wood tick falls off when you die.
Haven't I seen you on TV? Well yes I do appear off and on, how do you like me? Off.
Yo mama is so fat, she can sell shade.
Your mama is so fat, a giant mistook her for a bowling ball!
Man: "Do you think I'll lose my looks when I get older?" Friend: "With luck, yes."
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
There have been recent terrorist activities in France. Today the had to upgrade their security system from "Run" to "Hide". If things get any worse they'll have to go to "Surrender", and then "Beg for Mercy".
Yo momma so fat she uses a dump truck as a toilet!
yo mom is like a shotgun, one cock and shes ready to blow
How can you spot a happy motorcyclist? By the bugs in his teeth.
"Honk if you hate noise pollution!"
Yo momma so dumb she got hit by a parked car!
If your ex-lover wants you back and you want him to know your serious, here's something you could say: "Come on back and take yo space, 'cuz if you break my heart again, I'll break yo face".
At the end of a T.V. show, why do they say "filmed in front of a live audience?" Well, it wouldn't be a dead audience, would it?
Why do Chickens have no breast? Cause the Rooster has no hands!
I once knew a boy who was dating his left hand and having an affair with his right.
A blonde goes on vacation to New York and wants to take a tour. She goes to ask about the tours and says, "So, where can I catch the bus for the walking tour?"
A blonde is eating out at a very fancy restaurant with her family. Right then she sees an ice carving of a dolphin by the wall. She says to the waiter, "I love that ice carving, but what do you do with it when it melts?"
A blonde was telling her priest a Polack joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?"
Wonder if you are a redneck....Well, if you have been married four times and still have the same in-laws you must be.
Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate 1.
Q: How many colorguard girls does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five, one to call the colorguard forward and four to take it down with a ceremony.
What do PSP's and Michael Jackson have in common? The both get turned on by little boys!!!
Yo mama is so fat she's scared to look at low fat food!
Did u here Michael Jackson is sick? He had a 10 year old penis!!!
Why was the cemetary so crowded? Everyone was dying to get in!!!!
A kid said "I have a dirty joke; a kid fell in the mud". Another kid said, "I know a dirty joke; two kids fell into a pile of mud". Then the other kid said, "Well, I bet I have the dirtest joke of all; 2 pigs fell into a pile of mud and 3 came out!"
Joke: Why does Snoop Dogg Carry an umbrella? Answer: For Drizzle my nizzle
Yo Momma is so fat the other day she was late to work and her stomach was an hour early.
Don't follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls.
Knock-Knock. Who's there? Yoo who? No thanks.
Yo Momma's stinks so bad, she puts on Secret and it told on her.
You might be a redneck if when someone says: "Do you have any duct tape?" And you say: "I don't have any ducks on tapes but I've got some on my wall."
Little johnny was heard praying in a loud voice a week before his birthday. "Dear God I pray that I will get a computer game for my birthday!" "Why are you shouting" asked his mother "God isn't deaf?!?!?!?!?" "I know said Johnny, but grandma is!"
yo mama is so fat people run around her for exercize
Can you tell if this lady is blonde? After placing an order in the drive-thru, the lady came on the speaker and asked: "Is that for here, or to go?"
Yo momma is so fat, when she was laying on the beach, everyone was screaming, saying "Look it's Free Willy!!!!''
Yo mama is so fat, when someone wants to shake her hand she has to give directions!
A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock. The blonde replied, ''What for? Are you going to set it on fire?''
How do blonde brain cells die? Unused...
How many stupid blondes does it take to make a circuit? Two - one to stand inside the bath, the other to pass the hair dryer.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold? A: No need for them to worry about blowing their brains out.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but i can't get my wife to go swimming!
Yo momma so nasty I was on the phone with her, and she gave me an ear infection.
Yo momma's breath is so stank, that they consider it a weapon of mass destruction.
Few women admit their age, Few men act theirs.
What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar? A love call.
Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor? A. By the ears. (Lick her)
Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common? A. No ball room
Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail? A. I feel like a kid again!
Q. If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on? A. The Captain's dinghy!
Man: How many asian people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Asian Man: Whats a lightbulb?
A blonde goes to the store and gets a box of almonds. As she is allergic to nuts, she asks a clerk at the counter, "Does this contain nut ingredients?"
A blond goes into a pizza shop for a snack. She orders, "May I have a veggie pizza slice with all the works?" The worker says, "That would be our combo pizza." The blond says, "No, thanks. I'll stay with the veggie slice."
The only concept they understand is "mine".
Why did the squirrel go to the acorn shop? He broke his nuts on something!
laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and some-one will hear you, but fart and you're on your own!!
The squirrel's eyes widened as he tried to move but froze when he realized........ He'd buried the wrong nuts!
What's gray, has four legs, and a trunk? A mouse on vacation.
1. Think of a number. 2. Multiply it by 3. 3. Now add 5. 4. Take away the number you first thought of. 5. Now add 7. 6. Subtract 2. 7. Add back the number you first thought of. 8. Now, close your eyes. > > > > > > > > Dark, isn't it? :-)
I'm trying computer dating, at least I'm not getting dumped... but I do get deleted.
if stealing kids is kidnapping,is stealing adults oldnapping?
Where does a Dog go when he loses his tail? Answer: A retailer
Why do snakes always lose in court? Answer: They don't have a leg to stand on!
Did you hear the one about the gay midget? He came out of the cupboard.
Why is it better to be killed by a shark than by a lawyer? Answer: The shark would be brief.
Yo Momma so fat that when she went to school she had to sit next to everybody. Yo Momma so fat, her belt size is Equator. Yo Momma so fat, this guy was having sex with her, then rolled over twice and was still on her.
One day, 2 blondes walked into a tanning salon. One blonde said, "A tan for 2 please!" The cashier said, "Ok," filled out a form for them and asked, "are you two sisters?" They chuckled and replied, "No, we aren't even Catholic."
"Do you know that your dog bit my mother-in-law yesterday?" "Is that so? Well, I suppose you'll sue me for damages?" "Not at all. What'll you take for the dog?"
Jason showed his buddy the beautiful diamond ring he had bought his girlfriend for her birthday. "I thought she wanted a four-wheel-drive vehicle," ventured his friend. "She did," Jason said. "But where am I going to find a fake Jeep?"
Why did the chicken cross the road? Why do you care?
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I copied your test and I flunked too!
I like to sleep, and stay in bed, all because you cracked a hammer on my head.
Did you know that if you fart in church you have to sit in your own pew?
What did Spock find in the toilet? The captain's log.
Did you hear about the two peanuts who got mugged on their walk down the street? They were assaulted
I'm a schizophrenic and so am I.
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved
How do you tell a boy chromosome from a girl chromosome? Pull down their genes.
Why did the white girl go have sex with a Mexican? Because her teacher told her to do an ESE.
"Doctor! I have a serious pronblem, I can never remember what I just said." "When did you first notice this problem?" "What problem?"
What is the difference between man and Superman? Man wears underwear under the trousers and Superman wears it over the trousers.
Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons? What happens if you pop the popcorn upside down? Why aren't HAMburgers made out of ham? And my favorite: Donde estan mis pantalones?
Only a redneck visits a trailer park to look for home decorating ideas.
Why am I stronger than Tarzan? Because I can beat on my chest without screaming.
Here's a stupid warning label: If you look at a fire extinguisher, it will say "Non-flamable"
If you fall down a bottomless pit... do you eventually die of starvation?
Why doesn't the glue inside the bottle dry?
Isn't it fascinating how feet smell and noses run?
If you think about it, a muffin is just a bald cupcake!
As far as we Americans know, Osama Bin Laden could, quite possibly, be right here in New York, posing as a cab driver, and we'd never know.
If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?
How did Hellen Keller's mother punish her??? rearranging her furniture.
Did you know that the goverment finds Native American chiefs more important than presidents? The new head on Mt. Rushmore is at least twice the size of the others. It's the head of an Indian!
What did the sick pony say to its mother? I'm a little hoarse.
What do you call a Grizzly with no teeth? A gummy bear
Fred was getting out of his car to go to an electronics store and had his dog in the car with him. "Stay," said Fred. A blond was witnessing all this and said to Fred, "Would it just be easier to put it in park?"
A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink." The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''
Q:What do you call a Bass Clarinet player with half a brain? A: Gifted
Your momma so old she sat next to Jesus in the 3rd grade
Why do lawyers always wear a tie? To keep back the foreskin.
Why did the blond make a square pie? Because Pi(r) squared!
Knock Knock! Who's there? Abbey! Abbey who? Abbey stung me on the nose!
Knock Knock Who's there? Acid! Acid who? Acid down and be quiet!
Knock Knock Who's there? Acid! Acid who? Acidently on purpose!
Knock Knock Who's there? Bach! Bach who? Bach to work!
I was eating a fruit rollup once, you know, with the paper on the bottom...well the instructions were "Do not eat paper." Noooo! I thought the paper was part of the snack!!
Politians are like constipated people-they're full of shit.
What did the pirate say when he got cold? Shiver me timbers!!!
Give blood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Go skateboarding.
I can only be kind to one person a day. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Today is not your day.
Kid 1: You did it again! Kid 2: What? What did I do? Kid 1: You know, that thing. Kid 2: What thing? Kid 1: That thing when your lips move and sound comes out.
You have the right to remain silent. Exercise it.
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" The guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting. He played golf a lot, drank beer, and farted whenever he wanted.
Why should you never play poker in the jungle? -because there are too many cheatahs!!
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?
A woman went in for a breast exam. The doctor said, "Have a seat. I have to numb your breasts first." The woman said, "Okay." So the doctor put his face between her breasts and said, "Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb."
Did you have cookie for lunch? 'Cuz your face is kinda krummy.
Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years? Because blokes refuse to ask for directions.
What is the medical term for a woman getting a sex change? An adadictomy (add-a-dick-to-me)
Yo momma is so fat that she fell over and made the Grand Canyon!
The secret to enjoying a good wine is: 1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth
I did your mom... ...a favor by making you... ...lunch.
Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road? A: To take over the other side.
Sam: "Cas, phone for you!" Cas: "Okay, thanks, Sam." --BEEP OF PHONE BEING TURNED ON-- "Hello? Oh, hi...." --AFTER PHONE CONVERSATION-- Sam: "So, who was it?" Cas: "Heather." Sam: "What did she want?" Cas: "Our phone number."
3 Hints to arguing with blondes: 1.) Use small easy to understand words. 2.) Keep your sentences short and to the point. 3.) Use, what I like to call, "Blonde logic" aka logic that only makes sense to them or on occasion other blondes.
May your troubles be as few and far between as your great-grandmother's teeth.
Q: What's the worst time to be a rat or a mouse? A: When it's raining cats and dogs!
Yo Momma's so fat, when she walks down the street and hums, the kids all run after her, waving money and yelling, "Ice Cream truck! Ice Cream truck!"
Did you know... in Louisiana it is illegal to tie an alligator to a fire hydrant and leave it unattended? Really! It's true!
The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods, hunting together when suddenly a beautiful blonde girl raced across their path, totally nude! "Would I love to eat that?" "Oui, oui!" The Frenchman said, smacking his lips. So the Italian shot her.
How do we know that Christ was Irish? Because he was 33; still lived at home; thought his mother was a virgin, and she thought he was the son of God.
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One, men will screw anything.
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 50... 1 to hold the lightbulb, and 49 to drink 'till the room spins!
A male blue whale, can ejaculate 40 gallons of sperm during sex. Only 10% of that will get to the female. The other 36 gallons is left in the sea. No wonder the sea's so salty.
How do you catch an elephant? Dig a hole, put peanuts around it, fill it with ashes and when the elephant goes to eat the peanuts, kick him in the ash hole.
Your momma is so old, she breast fed Methuselah.
If you want to know how to make a blonde's eyes sparkle......Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q. How do you keep a blond from whistling while she is skydiving? A. Make sure she wears underwear.
Roses are red Violets are blue God made me pretty What the heck happened to you?
One day a boy said to his mom, "I'm a Picses, what are you?" The the mom answered, "Cancer." The boy then asked in a shocked state, "You killed Grandma?"
A lady was at the bar when a guy started hitting on her. She said "I'll send my pants to you from the dry cleaners, that way you can get into them on you own time."
Flea: (noun) a small, wingless, bloodsucking parasite (see also) a. Brother-in-law b. lawyer c. politician
Knock-Knock, Who's there? Alarm. Alarm who? Alarm the cops about all the partying I've been having!!
I-rish my beer was full...
Q. How do you keep a jack ass in suspense? A. I`ll tell you tomorrow.
Here's a lighted dynamite stick, please hold it until I get back.
Help reduce air pollution, stop breathing
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
Keep talking, I always yawn when I'm interested.
Your mouth is so big you could swallow a whole banana... ...sideways
A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
Someone dropped $50. Who do you think will pick it up? A.) An honest politician B.) A five year old child C.) Santa Claus B.) A 5 year old child, all the others aren't real.
Q. Why did the dog fall out of the tree? A. Because it was dead Q Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A. Because it was stapled to the dog! Q. Why did the tree fall over? A. Because it thought it was a game.
1. Did you hear about the man who had a shower without getting his hair wet? He was bald! 2. Did you hear about the boy who was named after his father? His name was Dad!
Q.) How does a blonde make a stainless ink pen? A.) She doesn't put ink in it.
Yo mama so stupid, when her softball coach said to keep her eye on the ball, she stared at the softball for 3 days straight!
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking female flies. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me," he says, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?"
Two blondes are filling up at a gas station. The first one says to the other, "I bet these awful gas prices are going even higher". The second replies, "It won't affect me. I always buy exactly $10 worth".
Knock-Knock Who's there? life life who? A life is what you need to get!
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.
Q.) What do you ask a kid wearing a muscle shirt but has no muscles? A.) Did you leave your muscles in your other muscle shirt?
Q.)Your child poops in their pants- what do you do? A.)Drop off the child at day-care and make them change it.
Q) What does a blond say when she comes out of a lesbian bar? A) Wow, those people sure were friendly!
A wife asked her husband well you remarry if I die? Husband:(caught off guard) He said no, I already did.... CRAP!!!
Your momma so ugly she didn't even have to dress up for Halloween, and still scared everybody, and made some people say, "Nice costume!"
Yo momma is so stupid, she tried to kill 2 stones with one bird!
Billymac: "Those there are award winnin' cows." BubbaJr.: "What'd they do?" Billymac: "They're outstandin' in their field"
You might be a redneck if..... you went weeks without food or shelter just so you could have front row seats to a Brooks-n'-Dunn concert.
If "poly" means "many" and a tic is a bloodsucking creature, than what are politicians?
What do you call a dog without legs? It doesn't matter - he won't come, anyway.
Q.) What does a blond think a leprechaun is? A.) An elf. But she only sees it when it's near the holidays and has drunk an Irish drink. Even though her parents keep telling her they aren't real...
Q: Why do people have small dogs? A: So they can carry them in their bags, and when the person farts, they can blame it on the dog.
To all who do NOT believe in evolution, I have proof: MY spaghetti from two weeks ago has started growing arms and legs and I think it just called me, "Mommy". By the way, I, myself, do NOT believe in the theory of evolution.
You're a redneck if: The only thing you swing a bat at is a mailbox.
You are a redneck if: Your mother has ammo on her Christmas list!
You are a redneck if: Directions to your house include ''Turn off the paved road...''
The funniest bumper sticker is: Keep honking I'm reloading!
You are a redneck if: You like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before you could walk.
Where do cats go to find their tail? The retail store.
What does a grape say when it gets squished? Nothing, it just lets out a little whine.
Many employers motivate workers with bonuses. Some offer gym memberships, a few even supply day care for their working mothers and fathers. Our bosses go a step further. A sign posted in our break room read: New Incentive Plan . . . Work or get fired!
I used to be schizophrenic, but now we're just fine
Sometimes, I worry about you... But then i remember that my mom told me never to anthropomorphize.
Q.) What kind of service has a two for one "Tuesday" special? A.) Yo mama!!!
A boy came back from school and noticed that his father was wearing his weeding ring at the wrong finger. He asked his father, "Why are you wearing your ring on the wrong hand and finger?" And the father said,"Because I married the wrong wife."
Q: Why don't blond chicks date blond guys? A: To avoid inbreeding.
Vini vedi velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around)
Q.) Why do homeless people love to go to church? A.) There is always free water.
You Are A Redneck If: You light a match in your bathroom and it blows your house off its wheels!
What do you call a lion wearing a hat? A Dandy Lion.
Q.) Why did the dog go to court? A.) Because it got a barking ticket.
Q: What is a cheerleader's favorite drink? A: Root Beer!
If you ask a Bears fan what his or her two favorite teams are they would be: - The Bears - And whoever the Green Bay Packers are playing.
I'm racist because I have colored TV.
What do you say to Mexican with a high salary? Can I have ketchup on those fries?
What did the Chinese people call their retarded son? Sum Ting Wong
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless! P.S. This works for just about any instrument player.
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? WELL HUNG
Q) What do you call an ant from overseas? A) Important
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
What is Kermit the Frog's middle name? The.
Yo momma so poor, she cleans her shoes with a pencil.
"Wow," said Joan after she saw that her friend got glasses. "You like my new glasses?", asked Peter. "Yep. They make you look really smart.", replied Joan. "I know. That's what my mom said. That's why I wear them in math class."
Yo Momma is so fat, that when she finally lost her spare tire, she still had an 18 wheeler to go!
What did the popsicle say to the lollypop as he was leaving? So long, sucker!
What did the lollipop say to the popsicle? 'Cool, dude!'
Hey! Is that your head or did your neck blow a bubble?!
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: Because the chicken had the day off!
You are a redneck if: Your shotgun is named after your girlfriend.
You are a redneck if: you have the same number of teeth as you have fingers.
You are a redneck if: you've ever killed someone over a "kick me" sign.
You are a redneck if: you've ever searched for gold in your grandpa's chest and had your fingers taken off by the booby trap within.
You are a redneck if: you won money of your dead grandpa by playing poker with him.
You are a redneck if: you've ever had to towel dry after a fart.
You are a redneck if: you have a glass eye collection.
You are a redneck if: Your pet groundhog has ever bitten more than one of your thumbs off.
You are a redneck if: one wall of your home is a tarp.