corrade-lsl-templates – Rev 15
?pathlinks?
Why was the African baby crying? It was going through it's midlife crisis.
[NSFW] I'm going to get lightning bolts tattooed on my penis It never strikes the same place twice
What is Uncle Ben's favorite condiment? Aunt Mayonnaise
What's my idea of foreplay? Half an hour of begging
How do you get on top of a Mexican restaurant? Use an enchiladar.
So I heard today... Trump's wall budget is 3 Billion more than NASA's budget for the year...apparently NASA doesn't deal with as many aliens as trump does.
My dominatrix is busy training a new assistant... I guess she's showing her the ropes.
What pronouns should you use with a chocolate bar? Her/she
A friend once asked me, "If you could have any super power in the world what would it be?" I told him: "Cold war Russia"
My teacher said, because I was acting up in class, I have to do a book report on the largest bone in the arm. Isn't that humorous?
Why do politicians always claim to be religious? Because sects sells.
For me, Divorce is like Algebra. I look at my X and wonder Y.
What did the claustrophobic ninja do when he fell down a well? He flipped out
Country people would usually have a rooster to wake them up and the city people would have an alarm clock So that means that city people wake up to a clock and country people wake up to a cock.
What do you call a person who doesn't like Soviet Russia? A citizen of Soviet Russia
She was only a statistician's daughter but her deviations were anything but standard.
Be careful this winter... I saw black guys slip on black ice and get black eyes.
She was only a roadworker's daughter but she sure liked having her asphalt.
I'm eating that p*ssy Teacher asked, Why is your cat with u in school? Kid says (crying), "I heard daddy tell mommy, I'm eating that p*ssy when the kids leave!"
What do you call a triangle that gets into a car accident? A rektangle
No actually I am not single I am taken For granted
Do you know the way little children run towards the waves of the ocean but back up the very last second? That's the exact same way I flirt with girls
What do gay horses eat? Horse dick.
For Valentine's Day, me and the girlfriend are just gonna stay in and watch a movie. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
Why does Gordon Ramsey like to have sex with a condom? Because he hates it raw.
Did you hear about the registered donor who had a car crash on the Golden Gate Bridge? He left his heart in San Francisco.
A bought a farewell card for only a penny... It was a good buy.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopuss.
Why did the mad scientist deliberately create a huge fire tornado? Some people just want to watch the whirled burn.
If the US stops minting pennies, 99¢ deals will disappear because they won't make cents any more.
What do squirrels and my girlfriend have in common? Both of them love stuffing their cheeks with nuts.
"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!" "Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it wanted a new highscore.
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an alter boy.
Something for cooking on a stove. A metallic sculpture of a marijuana leaf. Donald Trump. Tin pot.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back Luckily I was the one facing the TV
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh. You're still doing that?
I once when on a date with a girl who didn't swallow. There was soup everywhere.
Two goats on top of a hill... There are two goats on top of a hill eating grass. One says to the other I wish this was the kind of grass that gets you high. The other says did we not just climb this hill?
Why are aspirins white? Because they work.
I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth... That's the last time I ever buy a larva lamp&
Anybody here have sex while camping? It's fucking intense.
I hate left-handed people. Something about them just doesn't seem right.
A boy asks his mom why he's black and she's white She says, "Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark."
What's the difference between a boy scout and a jew? One comes back from camp.
I could tell you a Mexican joke but it would cross the border.
Minecraft Minecraft - the sequel to Mein Kampf
Gynecologist: Do you know what your asshole is doing while you are having an orgasm?? Beautiful young patient: Probably golfing with his buddies...
What did Nixon say when his pasta got criticized? I am not a cook.
What is the difference between a rebel base and a Pakistan school? I don't know I'm just a drone pilot
How did the geologist win his lawsuit? By taking advantage of the quartz system.
What do you call someone that occasionally likes gloves? Intermitten
Rick Astley will let you borrow you any movie in his Pixar collection... Except for one: he¥s never gonna give you UP!
TIL that there's a new shortcut in the PC version of GTA V, which when you press it, will cause your character to kill minorities. Alt-right.
A jew walks into a bar... It was a dozen kilograms and he sold it for a grand
Which song is the most salty? Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Hey, Jude
What did the man say after eating a Big Mac, a McRib, a bucket of KFC, and a Arby's brisket? Nothing. He died of a heart attack.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what they were laced with but I kept tripping
Communism is a trash can ideology When you're eating out of a trash can it doesn't sound half bad.
Kids of the 2010's will get this... Smartphones.
How do you comfort a grammar buff? There, their, they're.
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor? It was just a stage he was going through.
which came first the chicken or the egg? the chicken because eggs cant cum
Why did the sugar hang out with the tomoto? He wanted to ketchup.
I just bought a replica of the Knight Rider car. The previous owner said it was a *KITT* car.
Who wins a race between a gay couple and lesbian couple? The lesbians. Because they go lickety split and the gay guys poke ass along.
If your gunna tell a joke about a midget being smothered in honey.... Keep it short and sweet.
How come american cops always lose at pool? Because they always shoot down the black one first.
What's a joke that was funny in early America, but is even more hilarious in the present day middle east? "Women's rights" *^ba-dum ^ching*
The bass drop In school, I once dropped the base. The kid next to me got severe alkali burns. . .
What happens to a penis after sex? Natural In-Stink
"Would you like a drink?" "I have a boyfriend!" "I'm the barkeeper you stupid cunt"
Our neighbours criticized our new fence We took offense
RIP Jobs What did the unemployed cancer cell say? "We should get Jobs"
Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who escaped prison? They're a small medium at large.
Surprise oral will make your day Surprise anal will make your hole weak
Woman to her girlfriend: My husband got me a dozen roses; tonight I guess I have no choice but to spread eagle with my legs in the air. Girlfriend: Don't you have a vase?
I hate seeing penises and people peeing Looks like I am allergic to peanuts
Ever hear that black people have a speech impediment? Not true, its just a myff.
I once saw a Chupacabras... Baby goats are so adorable.
A Reposter walked into... /r/jokes. The End
I used to think I was good in bed..... Until my girlfriend told me she had asthma.
You'd think glass would taste like rocks.. But it just tastes like blood.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What did Richard Spencer squeal after getting punched in the face? *"I'm Nazi bad person here!"*
What do Australians wear under their pants? Down Undies
I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand It's seven
Stoner goes to the doctor A stoner goes to the doctor complaining he sees cats playing soccer every night when he falls asleep. The doctor recommends he stays up for a night. Stoner says ok but he can't miss the final tonight.
I had a joke about time travel.... ... But you guys didnt like it
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story... Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out the turtle was 6 feet tall and knew karate.
Who called it election and not.. Pikachu
Why do you never see an African in Olympic swimming? You need water to swim
Yo Momma so stupid... She brought a spoon to the superbowl.
A girl asks a boy "What does your dad do for a living?'' He replies "He's a magician." She asks "Is he good?" He says "Yeah, he disappeared 8 years ago."
Alec Baldwin has been arrested. His lawyers believe on Trumped up charges.
Why do we live on a giant rock, but ruled by money? Because paper beats rock.
My therapist recommended an anonymous community to me, a narcissist. Said that they gather and discuss their day to day accomplishments, annoyances, etc. I told him I've been using Reddit for a couple months now and see no changes. I then saw myself out.
What did one gamer do to the other gamer after he lost? Consoled him
Why are the polar ice caps melting Because polar bears are a hot animal
A: What comes after 75? B: 76 A: That's the spirit.
I used to cut and burn myself. Then I took culinary classes.
Dad: You know son, if you keep masterbating, you're going to go blind Me: Dad, I'm over here
After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm? My penis.
If you go to the beach and forget your lunch, what can you eat? Just eat the sand which is there.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot.
Two chemists walk into a bar The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have water too." The first chemist now has to rethink the assassination.
How does the weather in Seattle compare to the rest of the United States? It's Rainier!
A man sees a pregnant woman laughing He asks the woman, she replies "Nothing, it's an inside joke!"
What do you call someone who stereotypes Asians? A Rice-ist
Why did Billy drop his ice cream He got run over by the ice-cream truck.
Obama's going to open a home food preservation supply store next It's called "Yes We Can"
I just found out my best friend, JosÈ, is moving away. !No guey, JosÈ!
Doughnuts make u go nuts What kind of doughnuts do the KKK prefer? White powdered doughnuts
I got a job at the strip club. "I help the girls get dressed and undressed." "Great gig. How much?" "Twenty dollars a day." "That's not very much." "It's all I can afford."
If 666 is the evil number Then 25.806975... is the root of all evil.
Did you guys hear about the cow that was able to step over the the electric fence? No one could believe it, it was an udder shock!
The substitute teacher's eyes were crossed She couldn't control her pupils.
I asked why my stitches were unravelling but accidentally posted it to a gaming forum last night Turns out it was the wrong thread
Models Why did the models keep tripping on the runway? They were showing off the fall lineup. Badumtss
I'm getting tired of all the sexual comments about my skirt... "Slut" "You don't leave a lot to fantasize about" "Why couldn't you just have worn something under your skirt?" "Dude your balls are visible"
Never buy flowers from a monk Only YOU can prevent florist friars
Did you know? One Direction's "best song ever" is not actually best song ever.
Where did Hitler put his little armies? In his little Sleevies.
Today marks a very special landmark Whitney Houston has been clean for five years
Bad pick up line Me: spell me Her: M-E Me: you forgot the D Her: there is no D in me Me: not yet
What do you call two Australian math nerds having sex? A square root.
A man asked God "why did you make women so beautiful"? And He replied, "So you will love them" The man continued, "But why did you make them so stupid?" He replied, "So they will love you"
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly and painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No, he replied, "Arthritis."
What do you call a funk band composed of only plumbers? George Sinkton and the P-Trap All Stars.
I'm not addicted to sandpaper... I just need a little something to take the edge off.
Did you hear that Apple Guy died? R.I.P. Isaac Newton
If Valve had an NHL team... would that be the Mighty VAC's?
Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools. A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.
You know what I like about midgets? Very Little.
I lost my watch at a party once... An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
Why is Legolas so fit? He always eats elfy snacks.
My wife doesn't like vomit jokes. But I do nausea problem with it.
Why do people boil pasta in water? It is way too soggy.
What do you call huge dancing rocks? Technotonic plates.
I went to my favorite bar last night. A Chinese guy sits down next to me. I ask him "hey, do you know karate or some other martial art"? He says "why, because I'm Asian"? I said "no, because you're drinking my beer".
What's the only acceptable thing for a Scotsman to wear under his kilt? Lipstick
I came up with a science joke... Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment? They have a big carbon footprint...
Rule #1 for learning english Their our know rules!
Why did the chicken cross the road? Why did the chicken cross the road? "To get to the other side" Nope to get to the idiots house. "Oh" knock knock "who's there?" The chicken.
I bought a Fleetwood Mac GPS for my car. It's useless though. It just keeps telling me to go my own way.
What do you call a bear with no teeth A gummy bear
Did you hear the Coco Pops monkey was recently murdered? Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle and Pop all got killed too. Police think its the work of a serial killer.
A doctor once told me that it's important to get 8 hours of beauty sleep per day But to be honest I think you need 9
What's the difference between sarcasm and lying? I don't know, I'm just the president.
Son: ?Dad, I have a question regarding sex with my underage girlfriend.? Father: ?Yes?? Son: ?Could you stop doing that??
They should make birth control for men Because it makes more sense to fire blanks than shoot at a bulletproof vest. Recent discoveries will make this joke obsolete, thought I'd give it one more run.
People say that counting sheep jumping over a fence makes you to to sleep. However, Donkeys are much more effective... You're completely out as soon as your ass leaps.
They say you're attracted to people that look like you. That explains why I like women with big breasts.
I don't have OCD... I know because I've checked 300 times
I wish life was like a hairstyle So you could just cut it off and get a new one
What do you call a Scotsman who works in a cloakroom? Angus McCoatup
Why did God create vaginal mycose? So women too can know what it is to live with an irritated cunt.
A women got a wooden breast implant yesterday.... it would be a funny joke if this had a punch line... Wooden tit
How does a farmer count his cows? With a COWculator... But, what if they all have babies? Then he MOOtiplies them! Man, I'm really milking these puns for more than they're worth...
My new personal trainer encouraged me to do do fifteen push-ups every commercial break on TV Man... I love Netflix!
Apple likes to leave things out of their products. The phone I bough from them doesn't have a headphone jack... and the car I bought from them doesn't have windows.
Peanut butter was driving his toast when suddenly... ..there was a jam
What tastes good on pizza but not on pussy? Crust
Did you hear about that female celebrity who was murdered? Me: Who was it? Dad: I think her first name was Reese Me: Witherspoon? Dad: No it was with a knife
A man named Rob got his identity stolen. I guess you could say he got... *robbed*
I just got done doing squats and I gotta say... It's a huge weight off my shoulders
What did the goose say when he found out about flying south? Wanna hear migrate idea?
Did you hear about the midget clairvoyant who escaped from prison the other day? Police are looking for a small medium at large.
Set a fire for a man, And you'll keep him warm for a night. Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life.
How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb Just one, unless it's a black light.
do androids dream of electric sheep? Not unless they're Welsh
After a lengthy debate, congress finally passed a law banning pedophiles from children's shoe stores. It was No Minor Feet.
Where does a redditor drown? In the sea of reposts.
What does Batman take with his alcohol? Just ice
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man and he'll eat for a year.
My Iraqi friend found a silver lining on the Muslim travel ban My Iraqi friend found a silver lining on the Muslim travel ban. He said "at least my mother-in-law can't come and visit." Well, at least he found something to laugh about XD
What do Irish plumbers earn for overtime? Time an' a Turd.
An Irishman walks into a bar... Just kidding he was born there and never left
Is this the bus for dyslexic kids? Oops, wrong sub.
I'm gonna tell you an oxygen and potassium joke, OK?
Why did the mortician cross the road? To get to the other suicide
Why did the robot kill someone with its empty battery? So it would get charged with murder.
The English Teacher in India Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
What Did The Orange Say To The Apple Are you really that stupid? Oranges can't talk.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs? One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it is the scenter!
Wanna know how to brighten the day of everyone on Earth? A few dozen strategically placed warheads should do the trick.
A poem. I am a little girl, I have a little thing That when I go to bed, I put my finger in. Now I'm much older, My thing had lost its charm And now it takes 5 fingers, And half my fucking arm.
So I bought a new chair today Guess you can say I'm SATisfied.
What went through Hitler's mind before he died? "If I wasn't so distracted by taking over the world I could have killed so many more jews."
What do you call the Pope when he is sleepwalking? A Roamin' Catholic.
What is the best method of transportation for Jews? A dustpan
What do you get when you crossbreed a Chihuahua with a German Shepherd? A que-nein.
I told my husband there are 100 days until our baby's delivery He said "That's a really long time. You should really use Prime next time".
I hate German chefs They're suck kochs.
What is the sound of one hand clapping? Amputees anonymous
What's Donald Trumps favorite kind of dog? a BORDER collie!
Whats the difference between ET and an illegal alien? ET learned English and wanted to go home.
My girlfriend has a lot of trust issues. Well, one of them does.
What do you call Arab porn? XXXPlosive
Why couldn't the japanese police catch the black man? because he nigeru
Girls call me shortcut My penis is circumcised and 3 inches long
Where does Phil Collins record his songs? In a stu-stu-studio.
Cancer runs in my family. July was a very popular month to have babies.
February 10th should be National Fart Day. Because it's 2/10.
What's the Difference between Marlin the Fish and Walter White? One's finding Nemo the other one is funding Chemo!
A priest has diarrhea Holy shit!!!!
How many freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and another to hold the peni... LADDER!
Donald Trump uses a special steroid to stay ahead in the game. Orange juice.
What do you call a teenage Hitler Zitler
What's the first thing Eskimos teach their kids? Don't eat yellow snow.
My stomach hasn't felt well all day, I'm like a bartender during an earthquake... I'm having trouble controlling my stools.
If a girl sleeps with 100 guys she gets called a slut. What do you call a guy who does the same thing? A homosexual.
Boyfriend suggesting For Prisma Girl Friend, i am not able to install prisma app in my mobile. Boyfriend: Check your phone storage is full. Girl Friend: Hhmm, is there any alternative of this app? Boy Friend: Yes, Take Selfie Without Make up
My phone fell from the 20th floor, good thing it was in airplane mode.
When life gives you lemons... why do you use a bra?
Napping at work Sometimes, when I'm sure people can only see the back of my head, I enjoy sneaking in a quick catnap at work. They never last too long though, invariably someone rings the bell telling me they want to get off my bus.
A demolition expert goes on stage during open mic night... He proceeds to bring the house down.
I'm sorry I said "nice phone" When you showed me a picture of your baby..
How do you destroy a feminist in a debate? You ask "what rights do men have that women don't?"
How do you tell apart the voices in Donald Trump's head from the voices in Steve Bannon's? Trump's voices mumble praise of himself, Bannon's shriek racial epithets, and both are silent when Russia Telecom has an outage.
We should make all vehicles be driven by Stormtroopers They never hit anything so there would be no accidents.
Itching penis I went to a urologist because the head of my penis was itching. He told me I had an infection and that I should soak my penis in alcohol. The itching has stopped but now my Jack Daniels tastes funny.
I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if I'm a sociopath Either way when I ran over that pedestrian I didn't feel a thing.
Why did Vegeta name his son Trunks? ...find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Americans make the best jokes... Sorry I meant President.
Have y'all heard of the cow that produces milk that taste like that stuff of myths? It's legen-dairy
Why do brides traditionally wear white? So they match the stove, the fridge and the dishwasher.
What's an amnesiac's favorite cheese? Camembert
[short] what is Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1
Ice Cream Why did the little boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
I was told that the friendship between sodium, potassium, and oxygen was bad. I said, "Na. Pretty sure it is OK." EDIT: Should have switched potassium and oxygen around. Dang it...
I don't really like food from Spain much but... To chicharrÛn I guess
Organic chemistry is difficult Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
I faked my death, but hardly anyone attended my funeral Apparently I faked it really badly
Why did Snoop Dogg bust out an umbrella? Fo drizzle
Courtroom antics. Whats the best thing about being the smartest person in a courtroom? Knowing they'll never find the bodies.
What's the difference between your penis and your tax return? She'll blow your tax return
The wife and I have recently been blessed with the pitter patter of tiny feet around our house. I hired a midget butler.
Why can't Hindi people fight with each other? Because they can't have beef!
Who is Wolverine's favorite author? Lemony Snikt (I'm sorry...)
What do you call a Jewish man with heartburn? An acidic Jew.
Are you sitting on the F5 key? Because dat ass is so refreshing!
Rainn Wilson to star in the next Harry Potter spin off! Fantastic Beets And Where To Find Them
I only lie to people I don't like. Don't worry, I like you.
Why did Eminem only have one biological kid? He only had one shot
Click here to see a pun ctuation mark.
My friend didn't get my RAM joke. DIMM wit.
I like my violence like I like I beer... ... domestic
I have a pen, I have an apple, uh! iStylus
I only date black girls So I don't have to meet their fathers
What makes an ISIS joke funny? The execution.
My wife and I were happy for 25 years. Then we got married.
I redid my entire house with mirrors... You could say it really reflects who I am.
What do you call a lying bunny? A haretic
How do you call a Medieval midi music? Midival! Ha! Get it?
Load of animals in the back of a lorry.. The cow says "mooooooooove over" The chicken says "fkaaaf"
My mom and my girlfriend don't get along. (NSFW?) My mom always blows me off. My girlfriend thinks she's getting replaced.
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender takes one look at him and says, "We don't serve food here."
I was going to build a bridge for karma but I got over it.
Did you see the fight between the walnut and the pecan? It was nuts.
Life is a bit like my dick... It's long and hard.
I know a youtuber name SoWTF... He is sooo what the fuck.
My Journey from $60k College Debt to $115k Net Worth & 816 Credit Score. And all thanks to this community! I started stand up and got beat up. Settlement has been a blessing!
Why did Bach have 20 children? His organ didn't have any stops.
My Dicks Nickname is Bing Because noone ever uses it.
What do electricians say while they meditate? *Ohmmmm...*
What does the inappropriate strip club patron say when he finally admits he has a problem? I come here too often
I feel like most jokes about communism are pretty low effort But at least everyone gets them
A Font Designer and a Police Officer Walk Into a Bar... The font designer leaves sans sheriff.
Why do stoners make lousy poker players? Because they keep smoking the pot.
How do you drown a hipster? Throw them into the mainstream.
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? He is busy making good music.
Why did the full chromosome human go to war He was diploid
How do you get gum out of your hair? Cancer.
Where do cousins come from? Aunt holes.
I call my wife Bambi too..... Because I don't want her shot. Just her mom.
I ate at a Vietnamese restaurant but I used a fork. I guess you could say I made a pho-pas.
Friend 1: Oi mate can I borrow your phone? Friend 2: Yeah sure, why'd you need it for? F1: Well mines busted and I just wanna call me mum. F2: Oh no problem mate here ya go, just hit redial.
A man from Wisconsin is travelling in Mexico... when he comes across a dairy farm. "Buenos noches, do you have any cheeze for sale?" "Buenos, nochez"
I am a legal resident of the United States and I have not paid my taxes for the last 15 years. AMA! Thank you for your time. Ask me anything. **EDIT:** Just a moment guys, someone is at my door.
An old woman walked into a sex toy shop... She wandered in the shop for a couple of minutes and finally she stopped and asked the vendor: How much is this one? He replied: Ma'am, that's a fire extinguisher.
What's black and slides down Nelson's Column? Winnie Mandela
Why did Trump stage a photo op of him winning a marathon against a bunch of traffic signs? To show that he was leading the poles
Knock knock. Who?s there? Smell mop. (finish this joke in your head)
I'm so ugly that when... ... I passed out at a frat party I woke up with more clothes on.
Give a man a jacket and he'll stay warm all winter Teach a man to jacket and he'll stay warm his whole life
Timing You know the most important part of telling a joke?
what happens when you take a joke too far? The 45th president of the United States
While examining me, my dentist asked me if i had recently performed oral sex Embarassed, i asked if i had a pube in my teeth. He said no..there's shit on your nose
Parental settings for my virgin wifi? Where are the parental settings for my virgin wifi?
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.
I've made this new photo app and it's a thousand times better than Instagram. It's called Instakilo
My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?" I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
Went to Disneyland because my daughter is so obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.
What does Donald Trump use when his fax machine is broken? His alternative fax.
What do you call an actor that gets employed by trump? Alec Baldwin
I used to think morning sex was the greatest thing ever... Until I started to share a cell with Bubba.
It's not that the Massacre at Bowling Green didn't happen... It was just an alternative event.
Why has there never been a coup d`Ètat in america? Because there is no US-embassy in america. (from german tv-satire "Die Anstalt")
How did the composer find his buddy on social media? He checked his franz liszt
What organization is the best at curve fitting? INTERPOL
What do astronauts use to cook in space?? Marzipans!!
"Come forth and I shall grant you eternal life", said God unto John. But John came in fifth and won a toaster.
I'm a Muslim parent with an honor roll student! My kid is the bomb
Why did the cockroach break up with his mosquito girlfriend? He saw her sucking someone else.
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? 'Cause girl you hot as fuck.
Son asks for money A young jewish son asks his dad for $5 dollars. The dad responds shocked, "$4 dollars? What do you need $3 dollars for?"
Donald Trump's cabinet is so dumb that I can get a better one at IKEA.
Could you imagine if someone pulled off Trump's hair piece? There would be hell toupee.
Words can't express how beautiful you are. But numbers can. 4/10
What's a Germans least favourite drink? Juice
Why isn't Barbie pregnant? Because Ken came in a different box
Jim apple Had a very rough time introducing himself in France
A bodybuilder told me he hates protein. No whey!
You know what pisses me off most about Reddit? [deleted]
My pet rock died 1 upvote = 1 pray
What is Sean Spicer's favorite genre of music? Alternative Rock
Trust not the Alien... It almost killed Sigourney Weaver.
If Christians have the Daily Bread, what do Buddhists have? The Daily Lama
Get Stoned Before an Auction Even if you don't win anything, you'll still be the highest bidder!
A guy gets arrested for taking a dump. -Knock knock -Who's there? -Police. -Can you wait a little? I'm taking a dump right now. -We know, this phone booth is transparent.
How do you know if your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit.
Why couldn't Beethoven find his teacher? Because he was Haydn
My wife's an Archaeologist because... She keeps on digging up the past!
What did I say to -1? Look Ma! Not real.
I invented the perfect beach accessory for men! A clip-on-tip that attaches to the inside of your suit and peeks out just below the bottom of a guy's swim trunks. We're calling it the Billadong.
What does a Frenchman say who lost his dinner whilst trying to find some more? Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from escargot?
What the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator. When you put meat in the refrigerator it doesn't get aids
So i read this story about a woman who got electrocuted when she dropped her vibrator in the bath It was a total buzzkill
A priest.... A priest, an Irishman, a horse, a gorilla, a twelve inch pianist and an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this some kind of a joke?"
Why did the cockroach break up with his centipede girlfriend? Each time he spreads a couple of her legs she says: It's not here!
What happens if you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.
What is Bane's favorite movie? Broke-back Mountain
What do you call a person who is not a nihilist? A De-nihilist.
What happens when you take a joke too far? The 45th President of the United States.
My doctor told me I was eating too much meat So I decided to quit cold turkey
In Soviet Russia, a Judge bursts into his chambers laughing *"I've just heard the funniest joke about Stalin... ever!"* *"Well, go ahead and tell us."*, the other Judges ask. *"I can't. I just gave someone a life sentence for it."*
Ann and Joe are having an argument "You are like Satan!" screamed Joe. "Their Mom says, "Shh, Joe thats offending." Once Ann left, she said, "Offending to Satan!"
A rabbit is walking on the railways He is singing: My life is amazing, dumdumdum, my life is long, dum dumdum, dumdumdum dumdumdum dumdumdum
What do you do with dead scientists? Barium
Why didn't the pony say anything? Because he was a little hoarse...
Spilt milk I hate how every time I come home and go to the kitchen my flat mate has spilled milk everywhere. How dairy
What did the over-sized transgender postcard say to the UPS driver? What don't you understand? I told you, I don't fit in a male box!
What do you call a gay dinosaur? A megasoreass.
Reading the news today. Man: A policeman accidentally inserted his truncheon in someone's umm, ahh, mm. Other Man: Rectum? Man: Damn near killed 'em
There are only two people I know who can kill 70+ people in 2 hours. John wick... and John Wick 2
Why do you wrap hamsters in duct tape? So they don't blow up when you fuck 'em.
How do you make an idiot wonder? [deleted]
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that?s a little condescending.
What do you call a situation where a train wreck is happening right in front of your eyes and you can't do anything about it? Donald Trump
I identify as all real numbers. Call me by my new pronoun: xeR
Dorothy: Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore Toto: I know, I miss the rains down in africa
What did the caveman say when he stumbled upon a pooping dinosaur? "That's pooposterous!"
What is The ISIS Cafeteria called? Allahu Snakbar.
I told my dad to embrace his mistakes. He cried. Then he hugged my sister and me.
My wife got diagnosed with Alzeihmers and Parkinsons last week. I've been getting 8 wanks a day.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor? Where is my tractor? (I am so sorry).
How does Bob Ross exorcise his paint brush? He beats the devil out of it.
Me and my friends had an argument.... [NSFW] Me and my friends had an argument about what was more fucked up, one of my friends said necrophilia, the other said bestiality. I would've said both... But I didn't want to beat a dead horse.
People are saying that 3.5 years to build the wall is too long, but I'm not worried Government-funded construction projects almost never run over their time
What's the difference between a BMW and a cactus? George Zimmerman has never shot a cactus.
What did the chimpanzee say to the human? No homo.
Who do you call when you get robbed in Mexico? 9-Juan-Juan
Three kids walk into a Pole He was very fat.
Why do you always put your left shoe on last? Because when you put one shoe on, the other one is left.
What did the Alabaman wife say to her husband when she found out he was cheating? Oh, brother.
Whats the difference between Jared Fogel and a pixie stick? it's OK for a kid to have a pixie stick in their mouth.
Two prostitutes are hanging out on a corner in the 70's when one asks the other, "Hey, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other says "No, but I've been swung around by the tits."
What does uranium have in common with a mental ward patient? They're both unstable.
What's the worst part about a blizzard in a leper colony? Stepping outside in the morning to find a foot on the roof of your car
Seagull with diarrheia Seagull With Diarrhea told another that it barely Made It To Crowded Beach In Time.
So I asked a sheep how it is to be a sheep. "Meh..."
So I know the Mexicans probably think the wall will be too expensive... But they'll get over it.
A mother and her child were hugging ... "Mommy," says the child, "am I adopted?" "No, sweetie," replied the mother. "We haven't managed to find someone who will take you."
Three men are walking along, two of them walk into a bar... The third one ducks. I'm sorry. I'm sure many have heard it before. But I haven't seen it here.
A mushroom walks into a bar.... Bartender says "sorry sir we don't serve your kind" mushroom says "why.... I'm a fungi"
Donald Trump was once asked if he could quote any Bible verses. "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you will never have to feed him again." Donald 20:17
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino. Fuck if I know
BREAKING: White House staffer leaks that the President was surprised to learn that Checks and Balances didn't refer just to... bank accounts
What?s 18 inches long and dangles in front of an asshole? Donald Trump?s tie.
How does Moses make his coffee? *hebrews* it!
Why did the necrophiliac get a divorce? The rotten bitch split on him!
Dogs don't love you... They're just glad they don?t live in China.
18:- can I buy a bottle of wine? Government :- No, that's illegal and irresponsible. 18:- Can I go $40,000 into debt for education?? Government :- we encourage it.
Why do Nazis like dentists? Because they prefer whites
What does the Buddhist order from the hot dog stand? Make me one with everything :)
My dad always lived by the motto "Work hard, play hard." Mom made him seek help for his Viagra addiction.
How is Mexico going to be able to pay for the wall? It's expensive, but I'm sure they'll get over it.
What's the difference between Donald Trump and 5 year old? Honestly, somebody tell me because I have no fucking clue.
What do new iPhones and Donald Trump have in common? Both cost more than they're worth and create the illusion of superiority without ever delivering.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick
What did the muslim in America say ? [removed]
What did the D.J. say to the Vegetable Farmer? Lettuce turnip the beet.
You know what they say about jokes The cheesier the grater!
My boss told me, "You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I replied, "I don't know; it's hard to keep track".
Did you hear about the musician who named his daughter Sharp? He didn't have the heart to tell her she was accidental.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede? Extra drumsticks!
Why did no one go to work in Mongolian Persia? Because they were always Ilkhanate
What's a pirate's favorite letter? It's the C matey!!!!! Idk I'm high
Three men walks into a bar. The fourth man ducks.
Want to know how to keep your guitar sounding good? Stay tuned.
Please dont tell jokes about domestic abuse... They hit too close to home
A man goes to a doctor. Doctor : I don't know how to tell you this, but you have got to stop masturbating. Patient : But why? Doctor : So that I can fucking examine you.
What's super marios favorite type of fabric? Denim denim denim.
Woman are turning into good drivers ...so if ur a good driver watch out for women turning!
Surround yourself with people who have issues. People with issues always have alcohol.
I went to the Zoo the other day and there was a loaf of Hovis in the Lion enclosure - so I went up to the zookeeper and said "What's that doing in there?" and he said "That? That's bread in captivity"
Can Napoleon return to his place of birth? Of Corsican.
Did you know that 80% of Korean businessmen have caddaracts? The other 20% drive Mercedes
A blind man walks into a bar... And a table...and a chair...and the waiter...
Did you know Princess Diana was on the radio the night she died? She was on the radio, and the dashboard, and the hood.
I love to Poop.
Did you hear about the Bowling Green Massacre? No? Neither did the victims.
3 nuns are sitting on a bench. A man in a trench coat walks by and flashes them. 2 of the nuns had a stroke. The third couldn't reach.
Every year, millions of people get sick from eating tainted beef. Who the hell is putting their taint on the beef?
Why did the cowboy orphan cat limp into the bar? He was looking for the man who shot his paw.
A Grizzly has attacked a school! Four are dead! Fortunately, the rest of the salmon are OK and are peacefully continuing upstream.
2018 kids won't get this Club penguin
A man attempts a bar hop... ...and squashes his nuts
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile? Get in the batmobile.
What does a sneezing nut sound like? *Ca-shew.*
2017 First UFO lands Alien: "Take me to your leader." *Alien is brought to Pres. Trump. Alien: "Good one! Seriously though. This is important."
A nazi spy goes to a bar with a friend "Bartender, I vant two martinis, please." "Dry?" "Zwei, du amerikanisches Schwein!"
A plane crashed on the border of two countries, and everyone dies except the pilot. Where you do you bury the survivors? Six feet under a cesspit, till you can no longer hear his screams.
Hey girl, are you today's date? Because you're 2/10.
Iron Man at a dance club Tony Stark is in an electronic dance club, he's very upset that the D.J is playing subpar music and that the bar is closed. All of this makes Iron Man- Stark raving mad.
I met two hipsters today Turns out, the correct term is conjoined twins.
I can't stop shitting out feathers. I think I've got Irritable owl syndrome.
Since Valentine's is approaching, my friend posted "I love my girlfriend <3" I knew he liked them young but that is fucking ridiculous.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
I bought a treadmill the other day... It's really giving me a run for my money.
I was really unsuccessful and unpopular until I stood on a globe covered in super glue. Now I have the world at my feet.
What do you call Steve Bannon in a rubber room? Home.
How do you get a jewish girls number? You roll up her sleeve.
What do people smoke in concentration camps? MariJEWana
What is the most common job among spiders? Web designer.
Loyalty is very important for my wife... My girlfriend doesn't care. Funny how different sisters can be.
What do you get when there is a death at a funeral? A rehearsal.
A New Yorker went for a checkup.. Doctor: We're sorry, you have Hepatitis B. New Yorker: Damn B, what kind of hepatitis?
I came up with a 'Knock Knock' joke "Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "I'll ask" "I'll ask who?" "Al- ask- a ... It's so cold!"
I applied for a job at a blacksmiths He asked if ive ever shoed a horse before. I said no but i once told a donkey to fuck off
Two tattooed people ride in a car, who is driving? The police
What would Freud say comes between fear and sex? Funf.
What do you call a pessimistic Mexican doing math? Negative Juan.
Surprise bj I woke up to a surprise blowjob today. I should really start sleeping with my mouth closed
The captain of the Titantic was a vegetarian, his last words were... "Iceberg lettuce leaf"
What do you call a cuddle with only one person? A cddle, because u weren't there
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his collection except for one. He's never gonna give you Up.
What does a rapper say after he's done recording? It's a rap
The doctor told me to drink a lot of clear liquid So I picked up some vodka and gin on the way home.
Mammoth walks down the street. All of a sudden a dozen of elephants get out of the corner, see Mammoth, come by and beat the shit out of him. After they left Mammoth stands up, spits broken tusks and says: "Fucking skinheads!"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar The first orders a pint. The second orders half a pint. The third orders a quarter pint. The barman says "Fuck you guys" and pours two pints.
A Nazi walks into a Bar... ... Mitzvah
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
What kind of boxer spits on their opponents face? A beat boxer
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture.
What do you call a clown in prison? A sillycon
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.
Angela Merkel visits Greece Angela Merkel visits Greece. On her way through customs she gets stopped by an officer 'Nationality?' He asks 'German' she replies 'Occupation?' 'No, just visiting'
Some guy assaulted me last night with a bat ... I was really impressed with how well he had trained it.
German girl number One day I asked a sex German girl for her number and she said "SEX SEX SEX. DRY SEX SWINE!" I cowered away in fear Then her friend came up to me and said "She means '666-3629"
What do they call the Hunger Games in France? Battle Royale with Cheese.
What do you call a biker gang of bisexual Norse monarchs? The Bikings.
Did you hear about the guy who proposed to marry his car? He wanted a more engaging driver experience.
What do you get when you fuse Arab and Indian food? Explosive Diarrhea
My maths teacher just told us a mean joke... I thought he was a coMedian.
Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud.. But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I?m not one of them.
I can't remember the translation of German "wichtig." I have a feeling it's important, though.
Steve Bannon so drunk... his liver spots got liver spots.
There was once an emotionally unstable suicide bomber he fell to pieces.
What do the guys at /incels use for birth control? Their personalities. One hundred percent effective.
Stores in Seattle now accept credit cards in canabis stores It's been a week for green cards in Washington
I wonder if.. What if the ocean is salty because the land never waves back?
My girlfriend was giving me my first pedicure I asked her if the tool she was using to rub my feet was called a pedofile.
Jesus fed 2000 Jews fish and bread Hitler made 5 million Jews toast
If waitresses with big boobs work at Hooters, then where do 1 legged waitresses work? IHOP Gives tipping your waitress new meaning
After yoga class, I followed my instructor home and broke into her bedroom window. She screamed and told me I need to leave. I told her "Nah, I'ma stay".
I got jailed when I performed a magic trick. Apparently, when I make the kids disappear, I also have to make them reappear.
A horse walks into a bar The bartender says "What do you want?" The horse unable to understand English shits itself and runs out.
The past, present and future walked into a bar. And it was tense.
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? People care if the vest gets triggered.
If Bruno Mars married Venus Williams on Earth, do you think they'd have a Sun? Only if they planet.
Why did Adele cross the road? To say Hello from the other side.
My girlfriend wanted to act out a scene from Fifty Shades of Grey It was the scene where Christian wanted to buy Anastasia a new Audi...
I tried out for the suicide club But I just couldn't hang with them.
Me: I hate fucking laundry Dad: Well stop fucking it and fold it already.
Masturbation When I was a teenager my father told me "If you keep doing that you'll go blind". I said "Can't I just do it until I need glasses?" Proof: Glasses.
Man, those UC students after MILO... Must have been Burn-e supporters.
There are 3 types of republicans.. There are 3 camps of GOP supporters: #1 The McCain camp or Republicans #2 The McConnell camp or Republican'ts #3 The Trump Camp or Republicunts
The Trump Travel ban was refused due to lack of evidence.. Apparently "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it" wasn't enough
Why is it ridiculously easy to overcome the walls of Jerusalem? Because it's covered in holiness.
Why did the blind man fall into the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
I have never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I have waken up next to some many of them
Grandpa's toothbrush Grandpa: I need a new toothbrush becuase one hair of it broke Shopkeeper: why do you want to buy a whole new brush when only one rush hair is broke? Grandpa: It was the only hair left
Why did the blonde climb the roof of the pub? The drinks were on the house.
Wanna hear an overused joke about necrophilia and bestiality? You're just fucking a dead horse... (Sorry if this is a repost, I heard this at school)
What two types of people don't care about age, Abortion clinics and necrophiliacs.
What is a mathematician's favorite thing to find in the woods? A log.
What kind of Bees give the Most Milk? Boo Bees
To gay guys first aid means Losing your virginity
What do a poultry farmer and a hooker have in common? They both raise cocks for a living.
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant... But then I changed my mind
What's a Terrorists favourite category to watch on YouTube? Trending. Because all the videos there blow up.
Pacifism is a martial art. Its moves are designed to bruise the opponent's knuckles with your face.
Mary had a little lamb The doctor fainted.
I like my friends like my chromosomes Not enough.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese after a game of tennis? That was a "Gouda" Game!
A blonde and a brunette are walking in a park, the brunette says awwww look a dead bird poor thing. The blonde looks up and says where?
What do you call a gay midget with great timing? A Metro-Gnome
When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was... She said: 'Oh, two or three'. Now, she wonders why her marriage didn't work.
I found a copy of Mission Impossible 3 among my blu-rays the other day... I thought to myself: 'It's not really impossible if he's already done it twice."
Dinner A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!" The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Christmas He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read
A little boy caught a priest masterbating... "What are you doing?" asked the boy. I'm Masterbating. You'll be doing is soon enough." explained the priest. "Why?" asked the boy. "Because my wrist is god damn exhausted!!"
My dentist gives me cavity searches all the time. I think I need a new dentist..
I'm participating in a marathon this year. I'm the guy that pours cups of water for the runners.
What did Donald Trump say after getting catfished? **FAKE NUDES!**
I gave my cows ecstasy thinking they'll make more milk But the steaks were high.
Why did the guitar teacher get arrested? Because he was an arsonist.
I knew this girl that tried to trade sex for adderall. What an attention whore.
Me in a nutshell: Agh! What the Hell! Why am I in a nutshell!
I too believe more women should be in Government. That's why I support Betsy DeVos.
What direction was Kanye West facing when his dough was rising? Yeast ;D *cringe*
They say you should work until your bank account looks like a phone number. I checked my balance and realized, if that was true, I could retire! I have $9.11 in my account.
Why did the squirrel blush after he was hit by a car? He was flattered.
A 4 letter word for "talks nonstop" I keep trying to enter girl, but it doesn't work. I think the writers did this wrong.
A neutron walks into a bar and says "how much for a drink?" The bartender says, "for you, no charge!"
When Life gives you a cheese grater... You hold it up and say, 'Life's grate'.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die? All over the place
What do you call a group of terrorists with music degrees? Al coda
Hear about the famous chain-smoking Dutch painter? Vincent Van Cough
My girlfriend found one of my puns so funny that she flew into space and told it to an alien. Unfortunately, the alien didn't laugh. Personally, I think she took the joke a bit too far.
I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I can take a look around, but they said "no" and slammed the door on me My parents can be real jerks sometimes.
I like my men like I like my coffee Made by my mother-in-law.
A female weightlifter goes to the doctor A female weightlifter goes to the doctor and says "I've been taking steroids that long I've grown a cock" Doctor "Anabolic"? Female " No, just a cock"
The biggest question of our generation... Who makes the sandwich in a lesbian relationship?
Here's the thing about George Clooney's wives... Once you've seen one, you've seen Amal.
How long are math snakes? 3.14 feet. Well, at least the ¿thon is (I'm so sorry)
Can a woman make a man a millionaire? Yes, if he's a billionaire.
What happens after NASA farts? It apollogises.
Why did Bobby Shmurda go to jail? He was convicted with second degree shmurder
Life is like a chalk of boxlets... Ya never know what yer gonna ship.
Trump heard that some of Patriots weren't coming to the White House. They say he was deflated.
I'm almost a millionaire! I have all the zeros, just looking for the one.
I was having trouble staying awake at work but my coworker beat me to the last cup of coffee in the pot. It's like they say: if you lose you snooze.
Does anyone else get as excited about Valentine's Day coming up as they did about Christmas when they were little? Or is it just because I'm Jewish?
What do you call a pencil that won't draw on colored paper? An erase-ist (e-racist).
What did the doctor say to the annoying patient who didn't like the way he was stitching up his cut? Suture self.
Two black guys are pissing off a dock and into a lake... *Two black guys are pissing off a dock and into a lake...* *...one guy says to the other:* **"Man, this water's cold!"** *The other guy replies:* **"And deep too!"**
After accidentally shooting his pet with the shrink ray, my friend decided to give the pet away. It's my newt now.
Why do hipsters love field hockey? Because it's ice hockey before it gets cool.
When are men the smartest? NSFW Before sex, during sex, or after sex? During sex because he's plugged into miss know it all! Edit: a word
What did a passing motorist say to the elderly SS Officer? Give it some gas grandpa!
My friend told me to try out a gloryhole, since you can pretend it's a woman on the other side I've sucked 5 dicks so far and I still have no idea how this is supposed to work
I prayed to god to end violence on earth. He responded to my ticket saying "You shouldn't have rolled on a PvP server"
The only person in my life that told me to smile... Was the camera man.
Fun fact: there are obese people outside the USA yeah, fat americans on vacation...
Someone once asked me why I don't tell 'your mom' jokes... I responded by saying that 'your mom' are so overused. Just like your mom
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Mr. Pibb can't perform.
for those of you with a sense of humour and are sick of car ads try this when you see a car ad in your mind replace the word "car" with "cat" when you look at your cat he/she will think your ready for the loonie bin
I need to find the watch I misplaced But I can't seem to find the time.
(NSFW) Someone ordered pizza to the twin towers on 9/11... They got two large plains
This joke is ironic. This joke is not ironic. Isn't that ironic?
People need to learn to live in the moment, because the here and now is a special gift. That?s why I call it the present.
Why are black people so loud? Because they think we can't hear them ;)
Friend asked to use my phone to call his mom.. Told him to just hit redial.
Who is Frosty the Snowman's most favorite comedian? Bill Brrrrr. I'll see myself out...
[NSFW] What does a superstitious pimp check every day? His whore-o-scope.
A friend told me that laughter is the best medicine Now I understand why Jeff Dunham is so sick all the time
What type of bakery has the fastest service? A Russian bakery.
What's the quickest way to get in touch with your inner self? Single-ply toilet paper
Clothing related typos... They're the vest
Queen Elizabeth may have lived to be 102, but Diana got up to 120 when she died.
What is the church music director's biggest fear? Crabs on their organ.
I said hello to a feminist today. Trials start next week.
What kind of cheese is not yours? American cheese.
I went to a seafood disco last night Pulled a mussel
Why do churches hate geometry? There's too many sins involved.
Why didn't the Koala get the job? He didn't have... The Koala-fications.
What do you get when you combine Richard Simmons with Stephen Hawking? A fruit and a vegetable.
People keep asking me what I'll be doing in 3 years time Like come on guys I don't have 2020 vision
Tom Brady has a perfect record in the Super Bowl He's 5 out of 7.
Trump plan to alleviate world hunger and illegal immigration . . . . . . he's going to round up all illegal aliens and issue them Soylent Green cards
What's the difference between a hookers and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
I had a dream last night that I was reading Lord of the Rings to people. Turns out I was just Tolkien in my sleep.
Who is the third member in a German and Russian gangbang? Poland
A marketing executive walks into a bar I guess it was set too low.
What does Altoid mean? I've always wondered what that word mint
What did the chemist shout, noticing only half his water was deuterated? DOH
What does America and Apple both have in common? They both started to de-port when jobs died.
This valentines day be sure not to buy flowers from any Monks. Because only you can prevent florist friars!
What do you call a fat girl in yoga pants at Walmart? Cashier
Only 1940 kids will get this A job
[Politics] Is mental gymnastics an Olympic Sport? If it is, Sean Spicer could take home the gold, silver and bronze for the US.
I have a date for Valentinesday 14. February
Trump's preparing Mexico for the Olympics. Every Mexican took gold in the pole vault.
How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes the entire ER staff to get it out.
I'm gonna name my first kid Robot. That way no matter what he'll always have a job!
I used to steal toys from the hobby shop, but they caught me when I started taking the Airfix sets I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you modelling kits!
What did the Chinese cat say? *mao*
The terra-cotta warriors are fake They were mass-produced in Chinese sweatshops.
Did you hear the one about my hairy, cannibalistic uncle? He was an aunt-eater.
Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.
I tried out for suicide club I didn't make the cut
What do you call the presidential toilet? The Donald Dump.
What do you call two lesbians in a closet? A Liquor Cabinet
The boys asked, "Grandma, are you watching today's football match?" She asks which match. "Austria-Hungary". She answers& "Against whom?" Stolen from r/witze.
I am very happy with my wife. She likes to compliment me from time to time..... Otherday she was telling me that I have the biggest cock among my friends.
What is Donald Trump's least favorite state? New Mexico.
What did the Valley Girl say when she could only understand even numbers? I can't odd
Smokers go out in the cold for 10+ minutes a day and freeze their asses off in the winter and what do they do they get in return? Cancer.
"Shoveling snow is great exercise" \- Satan
What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common? I don't care if she has either.
Have you heard the joke of the traveler? Wait until he arrives, then he will tell you.
Why is Tumblr bad for you? Because it contains too much Transfat.
Back in my day, we didn't have MTV... We had to smoke pot and watch the radio!
Pretty lady sits next to a man at a bar Man: You're beautiful. Your definitely going to get laid tonight! Lady: You're cocky. How do you know that? Man: Because I'm stronger than you.
What do you call a Hispanic sniper? A Puerto-recon.
What are the three greatest lies? a)the check is in the mail b)small is beatiful c)I won't come in your mouth
A millennial moves house... Knock knock Who dis? New door
I'm so racist, I would only date from the one true race... ...The human race
I was going to push Donald Trump into a vat of wet cement but I decided not to... ...It would have really set a bad president.
What is the shittiest part of Object Oriented Programming? Reading the abbreviation backwards.
I booked a table for me and my girl... for valentines day. shes going to go mental she hates snooker
I love to squeeze my girlfriend when she is on her period. She is like my little ketchup packet .
Dad Joke It was my birthday an me and my Dad were driving on the highway when we saw a terrible accident. My Dad said "This is the worst accident I've seen in 20years!" Well yeah it was my 20th birthday.
The absolute value of zero. lol
The Oxy Tribe is an ancient tribe full of highly smart and intelligent people. So what do you call a stupid Oxy? An oxymoron
What does a cannibal call his girlfriend? Cutie pie
A horse walks into a bar... People begin to quickly, but calmly leave the bar as they realize the potential danger of the situation.
What was the highlight of the bulimic bachelor party? It was when the cake came out of the girl.
5% of the time I make typing mistakes while messaging english speaking friends and 95% the German auto-correction will just.. Flicken es...
Donald Trump 'complained hand towels on Air Force One are not soft enough' After He Wiped His Ass With The Constitution
Knock. Knock. Who is there? Pizza delivery. Pizza delivery who? Pizza Inn. Pizza in whom?
What are 50 babies, each holding a gun, called? An infantry.
Did you hear about the clown on the loose in the textile factory? The manager was in stitches
I think I have OCD. I Think I Have OCD. I think I have O.C.D. I think I have O.C.D..
Travelling doctors are an interesting idea... ...but they don't work in practice.
Why was the chicken unrecognizable? It crossed too much
Over the last few weeks i've been collecting details about my life and adding them to spreadsheet on my computer. I've really exelled myself.
We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash and Bob Hope Now we have Trump, no cash, and no hope.
What do you call when a Programmer pukes at IHop? A Stack Overflow
Vladimir Putin is banning Brazzers saying it's bad for the psyche. "Psyche". Now I know how to say 'wrist' in Russian!
As a writer, I often correct grammar online and get called a Grammar Nazi because of it. I'm not a Grammar Nazi, okay? I'm just alt-literate.
I want to open a gym for people with fetishes. It's a great idea in theory, but I'm still trying to work out the kinks.
Sieg Heil by Covergirl Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one panics. Hitler does the same thing and everyone loses their minds.
What do you call a greedy oyster? Shellfish.
I saw someone robbing a store and went to stop him. He hit me with a bag of golden coins. I guess you could say I had some cents knocked into me.
I like my coffee how I like my calculus expressions: Limitless.
I always carry a bomb around with me ... What is the likelihood of having two bombs in the same place at the same time?
My wife thinks I'm "selfish in the bedroom". She's the one that won't let me sleep.
Old People Always Poke Me Old people at wedding always poke me and say You Are the Next . . So, I Started Doing The Same Thing To Them At Funerals
I hate weeping willows. They're too sappy.
Paper or plastic? I went to buy condoms the other day. I asked the guy if he could double bag it for me. He just looked at me and said "You're gonna have to do that yourself buddy!"
What do you call a two dimensional shape that works out way too much? A Noneckagon
Two tennis players got into a shouting match. They made quite a racket.
How many nuns does it take to change a lightbulb? Nun.
My friend had his appendix removed and was out shooting with his other friends not a day later. Turns out cops don't like it when you try to kill them. Poor appendix didn't stand a chance.
Why did the Super Bowl Champions refuse to meet Trump at the White House? Because they were Patriots.
Why does Betsy look so distracted Her husband devos her
What's better than /r/jokes? the comments in /r/jokes
A pirate walks into a bar.. With a wheel on his crotch. The bar tender says "Aye, what's with the wheel?" Pirate says "arrrrrghhhhhh, it be driving me nuts"
How many bacteria does it take to change a lightbulb? One ... no, two ... no, four ... no, eight ...
A man walks into a barbershop and says, do you cut pubic hair? The Barber, a little taken back, says, "well, sure, why not?" The man bares his teeth and says, "Great. Can you get this one?"
I am annoyed that my wife came up with a girls name for my penis I don't even know who Ana Conda is!
What do call an irrational fear of fake bees? A faux bee, aah!
*Knock knock*-forever *Knock knock* Who's there? ..Deja Deja who? *Knock knock* Who's there? ..Deja Deja who? *Knock knock* Who's there? ..Deja Deja who? *Knock knock* Who's there? ..Deja Deja who? *knock knock*
What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue.
Who's to coolest member of staff in the hospital? The ultrasound guy. And then who takes the title when he goes on holiday? The hip replacement man.
What do you call a bad joke? POTUS
Did you hear about the guy who couldn't pay for his exorcism? He got repossessed.
I have a dig bick You that read wrong You read that wrong too
What's im season at the White House Peach
What do you call a dog with no hind legs and balls of steel? Sparky...
What makes Jeff such a bad boy Racist sessions
What do you call a really smart dinosaur? A Professaur.
I hate breakups. Especially when they try to let you down gently. "It's not you, it's me" "I just need some space" "We can still be cousins".
I learned a few things today. 1. I'm gonna be a dad! 2. I'm gonna be an uncle! 3. My sisters not on the pill.
He likes to bury coal He's a deepholeable
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.