corrade-lsl-templates – Rev 15
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Yo moma's like a fine restaurant, she only takes deliveries in the rear.
Yo momma's like a bubble gum machine, 5 cents a blow.
Why do they bury lawyers 10 feet below ground instead of the usual 6? Because deep down, they're not so bad!
Which is heavier, 20 pounds of rocks or 20 pounds of sugar? Their both 20 pounds! doy!
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? time to get a new fence!
What do you call a pig who knows karate? A Pork-Chop!
Roses are red, Grass is green. You have the shape Of a washing machine.
What's brown and has holes in it? Swiss shit!
How many blondes does it takes to screw in a lightbulb? three: one to unscrew it one to buy a new lightbulb one to call her boyfriend to screw it back in.
Definition of Agony? One armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls
Joe: Hi Jack. How did you like horseback riding? Jack: Not that much. The problem was that the horse was too polite. Joe: Polite? Jack: Yep. When we reached the fence he let me go over first.
It has been determined. The most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.
You're so dumb, you studied for a blood test!
Children in the back of the car cause accidents. Accidents in the back of the car cause children
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him. "You, sir, are drunk!" "And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
Q) How many jugglers does it take to change a lightbulb? A) One, but it takes 3 lightbulbs.
Q)Where do penguins go to dance? A)The snowball
Q)Where do eskimo pigs live? A)In a pigloo.
Q)Why does a traffic light turn red? A)You would to if you had to change in front of all those people.
Q)what do you call a polar bear in the jungle? A)lost!
Q)A hippo is sitting on your chair....what time is it? A)Time to get a new chair
Q: What do you get when a rooster crosses a duck? A: A bird that gets up at the quack of dawn!
Q.Why shouldn't you wear snow boots? A.Because they will melt!
Q. Why would Snow White be a good judge? A.Because she's the fairest in the land.
Q.Where do tough chickens come from? A.Hard boiled eggs!
Q.Why did the house go to the doctor? A.To get a cure for his window pane!
What did the chef name his son? Stu
How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste!
What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food? "Let us prey."
What did the cat say to the elephant? "......................meOW!"
An epileptic young woman named Camp Was seduced on her couch by a tramp But the first time he squeezed her She had a Grand seizure And broke both his balls and a lamp.
A horny old trapper named Rex Liked the risks of wild porcupine sex. By incredible luck His dick never got stuck, But his nuts were just pitiful wrecks.
You're so fat, when you sleep over someone's house, you sleep OVER someone's house!
You're so dumb, you tried to rip the lips off a chicken!
zebra: 25 sizes bigger than an 'A' bra
Russian Roulette, by Hugo First
The Lazy Boy, by Yu Doit
On clothes: do not iron while wearing. On a baby carriage: do not fold while in use.
How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb? Only one - but he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.
What do soccer players drink? Penaltea!
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog in the street. "Oh, that's terrible" "Yes, it was terrible to watch the dog die slowly in convulsions."
How do you get holy water? You boil the hell out of it!
Locomotive: A crazy reason for a crime!
A father watched his young son practice baseball in the backyard by throwing the ball up and swinging at it. Time and time again the bat missed contact. The boy noticed his father watching, and said, "Wow, Dad! Aren't I a great pitcher?"
Bumper sticker: BE KIND TO ANIMALS. HUG A HOCKEY PLAYER.
I found a way to make a horse stand perfectly still. Place a bet on him.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
What do u call, a hippopotamus that dances? A hiphopanominus
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
What is the square root of 69? Ate something (8....)
Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can ho ho ho.
I used to think you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
Q: How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?
Why do firemen use red suspenders? To hold their pants up!!!
You're so dumb, you staple in the middle of the paper!
Yo momma is so stupid that she gets lost in a telephone booth.
Q: You know what's gross? A: When you look in a mirror!
Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was attempting to cross it when yo mamma got hungry.
Q:What do you call a 500 pound Russian that can bend you like a bendy straw? A:Sir
What's black and white and played all over? Black and White (the computer game)
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!
How many nerds does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to be the cunsultant. One to be the labor manager. Two to hire people. Four to actually screw in the lightbulb. Five to be the ladder and ten to be the company board of directors.
What do you call a herd of white people? Avalanche What do you call a herd of black people? Mudslide What do you call a herd of mexicans? Jailbreak!
Guy1: Thats a bunch of cows. Farmer: No, a herd. Guy1: Of course I've heard of cows. Farmer:.No, I mean the cow herd Guy1: I have no secrets from cows
Friends are like condoms, they protect you when things get hard.
Q. How do you know when you're REALLY ugly? A. Your dog humps your leg with his eyes closed
Hunny, you forgot to put down the toilet seat again. Oh my God! you don't know how to fix a car. Wife says: How do I look? Man: Terrible, go change!
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
If a rabbit were racing cabbage, who would win? The cabbage, because it's a head.
Where should a dressmaker live? On the outskirts of the city.
Why was the broom tired? It over swept.
You're so dumb, you invented the solar powered flashlight!
Knock knock. Who's there? You. You who? Yoo hoo, I'm right over here!
Yo momma so fat, when she hauls ass, she has friends come help!
Yo momma so fat, when she walks in front of the T.V., you miss 5 minutes of your show!
Yo momma so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet!
Yo momma so fat, when she goes swimming she gives the pool stretch marks!
Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party!
Yo momma so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts!
Yo momma so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller!
Yo momma so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin!
Yo momma so fat, she pulls up a chair to an all-u-can-eat buffet!
Yo momma so fat, she made weight watchers go blind!
Yo momma so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!
Q: What would you do w/out your memories ? A: Forget
Q: What is the difference between a fish and a piano ? A: You can't tuna fish.
Q: What did the seismologist say when he messed up? A: It's not my fault.
Q. What animal talks the most? A. The yak.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and some peanut butter? A: Either an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth, or peanut butter that never forgets.
Q: What did judge say when the skunk came in the court ? A: Odor in the court.
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
Two white horses fell in the mud and three came out.
You're so dumb, you drowned when you were bathed in sunlight.
What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? "You may have graduated, but I have several degrees."
I see London, I see France, I see your underpants.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers!!!
What kind of soup weighs 1000 pounds? Won ton soup!
A man drove up to a beautiful lady at a stop light. She was in a nice Porsche. He asks her, "Excuse me, miss, you have Grey Poupon?" "I sure hope not, I just got my car waxed; damn those birds."
My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic.
Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper... It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while!
Why did the blonde run out of shampoo? She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!
In a recent survey, 60 percent of respondents said the cities they live in are noisier now than they were five years ago. The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.
Knock Knock! Who's There? Dishwasher. Dishwasher Who? Dishwasher whay I sphoke vhefore I hafe fawse feeth (This was the way I spoke before I had false teeth)
Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender? MENstruation MENopause MENtal breakdown GUYnecology (Gynecology) HIMmorrhoid (Hemorrhoid)
An agitated patron calls on to the blond waiter and inquired why there was a footprint on his meal. "Well," the innocent-looking blond waiter replied. "You rushed in here, ordered an omelette and asked me to step on it."
A blond was using a pager for the first time. When the operator instructed her to key in "10" to leave a voice message, she followed and after the beep, said, "Excuse me, may I speak to Zeron please?"
Yo momma's so old, her memories are in black and white!
Yo moma's like a mail box, open all day and all night.
Q. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker had for Christmas? A. He felt his presence!
Q. How did the blond injure herself raking leaves? A. She fell out of the tree!
Q. What did Stevie Wonder say about the cheese grater he got for Christmas? A. It was the scariest book he had ever read!
If you were any more pointless, you would be a circle.
If your IQ was any lower you would trip on it.
Yo momma is so fat when she sits down in class she sits by everyone.
Yo momma is so fat when I put her on the family tree the branch broke.
Yo momma is so fat her belt size is the equator.
A woman went to a wishing well and wished that she could become a better driver. So she turned into a man.
Q: How many Lizzie's does it take to screw up a light bulb A: I Dunno, but it only takes one to screw up a graduation ( from movie lizzie McGuire: she ruins junior high graduation)
Did you hear about the blond who tried to hijack a submarine? She demanded $100,000 and a parachute.
You know something is wrong with today's educational system when you figure out that of the three R's, reading, writing, and arithmetic, only one actually starts with an R.
What do Michael Jackson and plastic bags have in common? They are both made out of plastic and are dangerous for children to play with.
How many cartoon characters does it take to screw in a light bulb? nine - three to find a light bulb, three to figure out how to remove the old one, three to screw it in, and all of them to complicate it!
How do you know, your computer hates you? When it grows and pop ups.
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? Now, think about it..... Ready??? ARE YOU SURE??? A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find.
How do you know that you're a computer geek? You catch a computer virus and take a virus scanning pill every week.
What exactly does the government do? They seem to complicate all the simple things while trying to do the opposite.
Once upon a time, there was an elderly couple. Next door, there lived a Peeping Tom. One day, the couple received a phone call. The woman said, "Fred! Peeping Tom tells us to shut the blinds or he'll call the police!"
One day my wife was changing my daughter's diaper, and my 3 year old son walked in and saw her and asked, "Mommy, where is her thingy?" I almost had a heart attack, laughing so hard that day.
How many worms does it take to screw in a light bulb? What kind of an idiot thinks worms can screw in light bulbs?!
You know that you're a really boring person when someone steals your identity and then tries to give it back.
Said the pig to his pop, "There's the candy shop. Oh, please Let's go inside." "And I promise I won't make a kid of myself if you give me a people-back ride."
The idiots we have today. They're so stupid they make turkeys seem smart. They even make sponges seem smarter.
A blonde buys a box of laundry detergent, and it says on the box, "20 uses". A day later, the blonde calls the laundry detergent company and says, "I bought your product and the box says '20 uses', but all it does is my laundry!"
Fill in the blank to this odd analogy. Quiz is to quizzical as test is to _______
Yo momma's so fat, she shows up on radar.
Q: What's the similarity between tyrannosaurus and blondes with an IQ greater then 200. A: Both are extinct.
Did you know that nobody can lick their elbow? *75% of the people that read this try it*
How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb??? None, they will just have there robot do it.
One day Bob (a boy) went to Sally (a beautiful girl). Bob told her, "Sal, Jack (a boy) wants you." She replied, "I know." They stand in silence for a while. Bob finally said, "I mean he needs your help." "Oh."
Remember, whenever someone says that you're nobody, remember nobody's perfect.
What did the mother match say to the baby match? Don't scratch your head.
What do you say to a person who says that they are going to tell on you? You say: Too late, I already told.
Why did the teenager cross the road? Because his parents told him not to.
Q: What is a man's idea of helping you with the housework? A: Lifting up his legs so you can vacuum underneath them.
What does the government have but never uses to make life simple? Their power!
Yo momma so fat that every time she turned around it was her birthday.
You are so ugly your mum has to feed you with a slingshot
Which came first - the chicken or the egg? It depends on who got laid first!
There was a young hooker named Gail whose price was tattooed on her tail. And on her behind, for the sake of the blind, was the same information in Braille.
How many ears did Davy Crockett have? 3 - His right ear, his left ear, and his wild front-ear.
You've all heard of TGIF - Thank God It's Friday, right? Well my Secretary refers to Friday as POETS day... Piss Off Early, Tomorrow's Saturday....!!!
Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test. Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? Jose: Don't bite any.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day? Alfred: I get up early.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. Willy: Me
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people." Doctor: "Tell me about your problem." Patient: "I just did, you moron!"
If the entire world was a stage and God was the director, what we need is a rehearsal.
Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake The Exorcist? The new movie is about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son.
"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it." Said the lazily amorous abbot. "Although it's more fun, To have sex with a nun, It's so hard to get into the habit!"
Q: What is black and white and green and black and white? A: Two nuns fighting over a sweaty pickle. Q: What is black and white and grinds up and down, up and down? A: A nun churning butter.
Q: What is black and white and gooey and creamy? A: A nun eating a bowl of Tapioca pudding. Q: What is black and white and makes a wet, sucking sound? A: A toothless, elderly nun eating a Communion wafer.
Why can't blondes put in lightbubs? Because they keep breaking them with hammers.
Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!"
If love is blind is then why is lingerie so popular?
What do you call 100 lawyers jumping out of an airplane? Skeet
A father knelt with his son to hear his prayers. The three-year-old boy began in all seriousness: "Our Father who Art in Heaven, how do You know my name?"
And another four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
Pilot: "Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land. 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct!" Tower: "Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, who art in heaven...'"
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?" He replied, "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise'."
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairy tale begins with, "Once upon a time..." A southern fairy tale begins, "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this..."
How are men and parking spots alike? Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely short.
The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes: "Parking for drive-through customers only!"
The zoology teacher asked a small boy to make a sentence using the word "possum." He answered, "Maw got horny and gave possum."
There once was a man from Hybernia, Who Rhymed himself into a hernia. He became adept At this practice except For occasional anti-climaxes.
What is a plant's favorite school year? KinderGARDEN!!!
What did the lunch lady say to the boiled egg? You're in hot water now!!!
Teacher: "Why does an elephant have a trunk?" Student: "Because it doesn't have a glove compartment!"
A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate task that was completed successfully. The local news heralded, . . . "St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."
#1 rule of a redneck- If duck tape don't fix it (doubt it), mount it on the wall instead.
A guy walks into a bar wearing a pair of jumper cables around his neck. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey buddy, don't try to start anything..."
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
Did you hear about the football game with the 0-0 score? Never mind, it's pointless.
This man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder and the bar tender asks him, "What's your newt's name?" and the man replies, "Tiny" and the bar tender says, "Why is he called Tiny?" and the man replies, "Because he is minute." (minute means small)
Yo momma so fat that when she sits around the house, she dosen't just sit around the house, she sits around the whole neighborhood.
"Knock-Knock" "Who's there?" "Boo" "Boo who?" "Why are you crying?"
What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
Your so ugly you remind me of an elephants bottom.
What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad? One says "Ribbit ribbit" and the other says "Rubbit rubbit".
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim."
Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" Johnny's father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, "You know, you're really a lousy lover!" The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"
There once was this kid named Oddy, He always missed the Potty, He went some poops, and shouted out oops, Because Oddy Missed the Potty
What did the number 0 say to the number 8? "Hey, nice belt!"
The Perfect Breakfast: You're sitting at the table and: your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties.... your mistress is on the cover of Playboy ... and your wife is on the back of the milk carton...
First, you get a little hoarse. Then, you get a little buggy.
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Hickory, Dickory Dock Three mice ran up the clock The clock struck one... The rest got away with minor injuries
A little boy asked his mother: Mummy, why are you white and I am black? Don't even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don't bark.
Want to hear a clean joke? Bob took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Bobs neighbor.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? A: Halfway.
On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere." Written just below it: "I do not."
Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Knock-Knock Why are you knocking? I've got a doorbell
A Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a CONCISE essay containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery. The only "A+" in the class read: "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill Forgot the pill And now they have a son.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Her father shot it dead Now it goes to school with her Between two hunks of bread.
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall All the king's horses and all the king's men Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE, the cat did a piddle, all over the bedside clock, The little dog laughed to see such fun then died of electric shock.
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play He kissed them as well, he's funny that way.
THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL, who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead... And when she was good, she was very very good, But when she was bad she got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo and a sports car.
Question: What is the best way to get rid of Irish people? Answer: Throw a dollar off of a bridge! Question: What is the best way to get rid of more Irish people? Answer: Say that no one found the dollar yet!
"Flight 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits."
Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him ... get a good lawyer ...keep his house
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Q:How many Men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 3! 1 to actually screw in the lightbulb, the other 2 need to be there so he can brag about the screwing part!
Get the last word in: Apologize.
Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating. -Heard in a neuropsychology classroom
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
"Hillary Clinton has finished her memoirs for publication next year, while Bill has barely finished the first chapter. Well, in all fairness, Fiction is a lot harder to write." - Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments." - David Letterman
"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it." - Jay Leno
Q: Why did the blond crash her helicopter? A: Because she was cold and decided to turn off the ceiling fan!
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow -- even during a hurricane! -- here is a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit it onto all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out, and for no reason at all, you really stink.
I play in the low 80's. If it is hotter than that, I won't play.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously, it won't work -- and both are expensive.
In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers. They shoot a six, yell fore, and write five.
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?" "Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll just take da bus."
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"
What is black and white and red all over? An embarrassed zebra
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand and on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth.
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?" Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian...and my name isn't Valter."
Q: Do you know why doctors slap babies on the butt after they are born? A: It knocks the penises off of the dumb ones.
Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.
Life is full of uncertainties...or could I be wrong about that?
A couple of weeks ago the clouds over western Washington were moving to the west. Normally they head east, inland over the mountains to central Washington and beyond. Scientists blamed the switch on mad cloud disease.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"??
Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
Not to worry: the man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The difference between the Pope and your boss.... The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course there's shipping and handling, too.
A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.
A brunette said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
Progress in airline flying; Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
"You certainly look cool." "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself."
Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that's where you get shitty ideas from.
A girl's legs are her best friends, but the best of friends must part. -- Redd Foxx
"My karma ran over my dogma." -Anonymous
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!
Bin Laden is sitting with his son and they are watching the Twin Towers collapse. His son asks him, "Dad, which film is this?" to which he replied, "Son, this isn't a film, this is a series."
Why does a blonde keep lowering her head in the supermarket? She is looking for low prices.
What does a blonde have on her when she is naked? A working uniform.
How would you drown a blond? Put a mirror at the bottom of the swimming pool
How does a blond turn the light on after sex? ANSWER: She opens the car door.
Why does the blond take off the doors from the bathroom when she is having a wash? ANSWER: So no one would look through the keyhole.
Why is it good to have a blond in your car? ANSWER: You can park on places for disabled
What is the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? It's easier to open the legs on the blonde.
What does a blond say when she is watching a porn movie? ANSWER: "Look, me!"
Why does a blond stand next to a mirror with her hands on her eyes? She wants to see how she looks like when she is sleeping.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a tortoise? A: The blond is better on her back than the tortoise.
A man is passing a blonde and he says, "Where are those legs going?" and the blonde answers, "They are going home for now unless something comes between them."
Have you heard about the blonde that started writing a diary of all her thoughts? Yes, after 3 years she is on the second page now.
James came to school late. TEACHER: James, why are you late? JAMES: I had to take the cow to the bull to mate. TEACHER: Couldn't your father do that? JAMES: No, I think it's better for the bull to do it.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles ... begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
Sex is like air. It's not important... unless you aren't getting any.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again... It was probably worth it.
Some days you are the bug. Some days you are the windshield.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things get worse.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them
There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
Roses are red, Roses are yellow; Grandfather's teeth Are lost in the Jello.
Waitress: "Would you like your coffee black?" Customer: "What other colors do you have?"
Tex: "My uncle can shoot a gun faster than any other man in the West. He can even shoot without removing the gun from his Holster." Rex: "What do they call your uncle?" Tex: "Toeless Joe."
Sam: "Where have I seen your face before?" Pam: "Right where it is now."
Doctor: "Stop worrying so much. Forget your troubles. Throw yourself into your work." Patient: "But, Doc, I mix paint for a living!"
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man Love, To forgive him and Patience, For his moods Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death
"Why do you keep reading the Bible every day?" the teenage girl asked her grandfather. "Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam," said Granddad.
Two Hindu swamis were in conversation. One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?" His companion replied, "It kept me up all night."
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
"It's no use. Art doesn't listen to me," said a little boy who was praying for a new bike. "Art who?" asked the boy's mother. "Art in heaven," came the reply.
Practice safe eating ...Always use condiments.
What do you call it when you hear Vrrrrm.ERT.Vrmmm.Ert? Answer: A Blond at A Blinking Red Light.
I heard you got a baby. Dad: Yes, and I am very happy. So what about the wife? Dad: She still doesn't know.
Beauty is only a light switch away
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together, and have the time of our lives!
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED!
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has, tires, or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Q: What do you call a non-churchgoer? A: A Seventh-Day Absentist
This guy and a girl were in a golf cart and the guy drops his tees out of his pocket and the lady asks what is he doing? So, the guy says: I put my balls on them and I drive them.
How many cheerleaders does it take to screw in a light bulb? They wouldn't, they might brake a nail!
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
We child-proofed our home 3 years ago but they're still getting in!
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
Who eats cereal and plays golf? Tony the Tiger Woods.
Why is it hard for dalmatians to play hide-and-seek? Because they're always spotted!
What do you get when you aim a nuclear weapon at a disobedient country? South Korean Barbecue.
What do you call a holy man that fries potatoes? A chipmonk
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. "No," he said, "the steaks are too high."
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day. Mary: Are you wearing it now? John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top of the line. Mary: What kind is it? John: Twelve-thirty.
You're so stupid, that you called my house and asked for my number!
What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman? You can drop her off anywhere.
What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with? Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.
As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.
One day, a teacher at an elementary school asks one of her students how clouds form. She replied "I'm not sure how clouds form, but the clouds know how to form, and that's the important thing...."
What starts with B, has 2 E's, and ends in R???? Birthday Cheer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too. Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside. Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Interchangeable parts aren't.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!
Very stinky I can be. And a wet hole is all you see. Give me a rod and I'm happy. In the silence I can queef. No one thinks they're eating beef. And please oh please don't use teeth.
"I Give Evolution Two Opposable Thumbs Up."
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder 1. The DNA is all the same. 2. There are no dental records.
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say?" asked the nurse. "OOPS!"
Q: What do you call a sheep that does karate? A: A lamb chop
Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? A: They all have phones.
Why are Democrats better than Republicans in bed? You've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant, have you?
"God give me patience....And make it quick!"
Your mama is so flat chested, the last time she had a breast was in a bucket at KFC.
A Buddhist approaches a hotdog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything." He gives the vendor a $20 bill and waits. Finally he says: "Where's my change?" Says the vendor: "All change must come from within."
Q: What does the tooth fairy give for half a tooth? A: Nothing. She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth
Q: What do you get when you cross a Scottish sheep with a Peruvian Mountain Goat? A: The Dolly Llama.
A father, angry at his son for not doing well at school tells him, "At your age, George Washington was the best student in his class." "Yeah dad..." replies the kid..."and at yours, he was the President of the United States!"
A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites. "Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest. "This is no time to be making enemies," replied the author.
WIFE : " I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day." HUSBAND : " I too wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday!"
What do fish paint with? Water colours!
Where do fish keep their life savings? At the river bank!
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with? A: He enters Nerdvana.
Getting a new girlfriend is like joining the Army. You get a new haircut and new clothes, and all information is given to you on a need-to-know basis.
Former Vice President Dan Quayle says that if you take out the profanity, the TV show "The Osbounes" is about good family values. You take out the profanity, and "The Osbournes" is about 30 seconds long.
What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding? You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine
True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
What is the definition of wicker box? It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
Yo mama so dumb that she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
What does a Mexican firefighter name his twin sons? Jose and Josbe
Proverb : Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Refined by me : Behind every successful man, there is a very much surprised woman.
Yo momma's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this : Washington, California, Nevada, now Arizona
This is the epitaph on the gravestone of an army mule: Here lies Maggie, who in her time kicked two colonels, four majors, ten captains, twenty-four lieutenants, forty-two sergeants, four hundred eighty-six privates, and one bomb.
Yo momma is like a Nascar race car, she burns rubber everynight!
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists? A. They have shaky hands!
Q: What's green, has 3 eyes, sharp teeth, and blood on its face? A: I don't know, but it's on your shoulder!
If there are 12 cats on a fence and 1 cat jumps off, how many are left? None, they're all copycats!
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: She was afraid she might get hearing aids.
Q:What did the blonde's right leg say to her left leg? A:Nothing, they haven't met yet.
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger: Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
A policeman pulled a blonde over because she was driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people are leaving.
Yo momma cooks so bad, your family prays after they eat!
Yo Momma so hairy . . . . . she has to have a hair trapper in her kitchen sink.
Yo momma is so fat I had to take five trains, eight cars, and twelve airplanes just to get around her!
Blondes are like pool tables - every time you put a dollar in, she'll rack your balls.
Three ants went to the beach to swim. Two jumped directly in the water. The other went back home and after an hour returned. Why? She forgot her swimming suit!!
"Danny," asked Mrs Waters, "What's usually used as a conductor of electricity?" "Why- er..." "Correct, wire. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power?" "The what??" That's absolutely right. The watt."
Knock Knock. Who's there? Ketchup. Ketchup who? Ketchup to ya later!
How many cats does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Cats can't hold a light bulb
Yo momma's so fat that a car hit her and she turned around and said "Hey! Who threw that rock!"
Knock Knock. Who's there? To. To who? To you.
How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tit a lot!
There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of exactly when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.
Yo momma's so stupid... She site on the T.V and watches the couch.
Yo mama is so fat, she's the reason they declared world hunger.
Yo mama is like a hockey player. She doesn't change her pad for three periods.
Yo momma is so fat, that every time you smack her butt, you can ride the waves!
A father asked his son: "Why do you take the medicine before it's time? " The son answered:" To surprise the germs! "
A teacher asked her children just before they were about to leave class for Mass, "And why is it necessary to be quiet during Mass?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A girl went to a dentist to have her teeth filled. The dentist asked, "What kind of fillings do you want? White or silver?" The girl replied, "Chocolate fillings."
Two muffins were sitting next to each other, in an oven, as they were being cooked. One muffin turned to the other muffin, and said, "Man, it's hot in here." Then the other muffin turned to the first muffin and screamed, "AHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
CO-PILOT: Commander! We are being attacked! COMMANDER: Report your height and status! CO-PILLOT: I'm 5'11 and sittin' in the cockpit.
One to his friend: "My little brother started walking last week!" The other friend: "Where did he go? He should be kilometers away!"
A dad to his son: If someone calls for me, tell him that I'm out. The son: And if he doesn't call?
A teacher asked his student: Give me an example of 6 animals. The student: 3 Lions, 2 Tigers , and 1 Cheetah !
Suddenly the electricity went off in the house of a blonde. So, she wanted to light a match. After being tired of looking for the match, she blew out the candle and went to sleep.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!
What kind of flashlight do blonds use? The solar powered kind!
Yo mama so fat she can give the homeless a home.
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
And Moses looked upon the Lord and said: "We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"
Mr. Bean: (crying) "The doctor called, Mom's dead." Friend: "Condolence, my friend." After receiving a phone call, Mr. Bean cries even louder. Friend: "What now?" Mr. Bean: "My sister just called, her mom died too!"
AA and AA
Librarian: "Please be quiet. The people next to you can't read." Boy: "What a shame! I've been reading since I was six."
Molly wrote a letter to Santa Claus one day. Dear Santa, Please give me a Workout Barbie and a new milkman because he is sleeping with Mommy. Love, Molly
Yo momma's so fat, she has to go on three weight loss systems.
Sometimes people with a lot of cents have little sense.
Yo Mama so fat that she bent over and got arrested for selling crack.
Yo momma's so tall, she did a cartwheel and hit Jesus.
Yo mama is so fat she has to get baptized in Sea World.
There was a guy he had to deliver a package to the nearest town which took three days to get there. If he leaves on Friday and arrives on Friday how is that possible? He doesn't stop to rest. *His horse's name is Friday.
What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes? A FUNNY BUNNY!
Yo Momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has 2 jobs.
Q:What do you call a 300-pound stripper? A:broke
Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment? A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!
Q: Why didn't Cain please God? A: Because he just wasn't Able.
A sophisticated lady went into an expensive restaurant. Before sitting, she asked her waiter, "Do you serve crabs here, sir?" The waiter replied, "Yes ma'am, we serve anybody in here. Please have a seat."
Two blondes were sitting enjoying a view of the full moon. The first blonde says; "I wonder which is further away? The moon or Florida?" The second blonde replies; "Well, duh! The moon! Can you see Florida?"
My survey which I conducted said that 8 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.
Knock Knock! Who's there? Who! Who who? You must have the stammers!
Ugly: (adjective) A state of being in which you are constantly in. Example: You
Yo momma so fat, her bungee cord has to be hooked onto Mars.
Yo momma so fat, she makes Godzilla look like a pocket dragon.
Yo momma so fat, she's the founder of Button Poppers Anonymous.
Yo momma is so fat, she has to iron her clothes on the street.
There are two fat guys in a bar, one of the guys, puts his empty glass on the bar and says, "your round", the other guy says, "so are you, you fat basted!"
Your mama's so old, she farted and dust came out.
Your mama's so ugly, she stuck her face out the window and cops pulled her over for mooning.
Yo Momma is so fat she put on a red coat, walked outside, and everyone started yelling, "Kool-Aid, Kool-Aid"
Jerry: So you have both a nice mommy and a pretty mommy? Steve: Yup. They're lesbians.
Hey! I recognize you! You're the third one over on the evolutionary scale!
Q. Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs? A. Because you might step in a poodle.
If brains were fuel, you wouldn't have enough to power an ant's motorcycle around the edge of a penny.
Why didn't the zombie cross the road? Because he didn't have the guts!
Yo momma's so fat when she stepped on the scale she said, "Wow, that's my phone number!"
Yo momma is so fat, when she stepped on a dollar she made change.
Yo momma's so fat, she has more rolls than the bakery shop!
Knock knock Who's there ? Scold Scold who ? Scold out here, let me in!
What do you call frozen blonds? Frosted Flakes!
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Yo momma so dumb she thought a quarterback was a refund!
Little Bonnie became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?î
Why is it so hard to make a blond snowman??? Because you have to hollow out its head!!!!!
Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
What do you call a black person that wants to be and acts just like Jackie Chan? Blackie Chan
Why did the teacher have to put on her glasses during class? Because the kids were to bright!
Why don't crabs share? Because there shelfish!
What is the name of the baseball player who sits under a tree? Babe Root!
How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb? You'll never know because when you turn on the light, they scatter!
Knock-Knock. Who's there? Sara. Sara who? Sara doctor in the house?!
A man walked into a bar... and it hurt!
Two blondes were going on a hike, and came to a fork in the road. A sign was in the center that said "Bear left." One of the blondes said,"I'm happy that was taken care of, now we finally are able to take the upper trail," so they proceeded left.
Why is Michael Jackson dating twenty-eight year olds? The answer is: Because there's twenty of them! (twenty eight year olds....)
What is Tarzan's favorite Christmas song? Jungle Bells!
What does the turtle do in the Olympics? The hurdle run!
How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer: One, but 500 children to hold the ladder!
Why did the elephant call the locksmith? Because he lost his keys in his trunk!
How do turtles talk to each other? Shellphones!
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say Cheese!
Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold!
What did the cop say to the bad popcicle? Freeze!
Why couldn't G-Unit take the bus? They only had 50 cent!
What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangs-giving!
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
What did the cat say to the other cat on the phone? Can you hear me-ow?
Which sea will make you go ape? The Chimpansea.
If you invited all the alphabet to tea who would be late? The letters 'UVWXYZ' because they all come after 'T'.
What do you call an alien with no ears? Anything you like, he can't hear you.
What do you call a horse that escaped from jail? A Zebra.
What is a cat's favourite exercise? Puss-Ups!
What do you get when you cross a fish and a grizzly? A Bearacuda.
Why do psychics ask so many questions when they supposedly already know the answers?
Everyone has a photographic memory, you just don't have any film.
All believers in telekinesis raise my hand!
I couldn't fix your brakes, so instead I made your horn louder.
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M
Wear tank tops and support your right to bare arms.
What do Micheal Jackson and a PS2 have in common? They're both plastic, can be black or white and can be turned on by children.
Knock-Knock. Who's there? Avon Lady, your door bell is broken.
Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo mama so fat people jog around her instead of the block, for a LONGER run!
An Irish man walks out of a bar..............Hey, It could happen
I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high!
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
how many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, but I don't know how they got in there!
You're so fat, the last time you went on a bus, the ticket read ''Please allow up to 28 days for delivery.''
Your cooking is so bad, the homeless give it back!
What's the blonde cheer? I'm blonde, I'm blonde,I'm B.L.O.N.....uh,oh well...I'm blonde, I'm blonde,I'm... yeah, yeah,yeah...
What did the blond name his pet zebra? Spot!
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A: "What's a lightbulb?"
What's the difference between pokemon and pokewomon? poke balls
Yo mommas so old that when she was in school they didn't have history.
What starts with the letter F and ends in UCK? FiretrUCK
Why can't Osama sleep with any of his 5 wives? Because all he sees is bush.
Knock-Knock Who's there Jack Jack Who I don't know any jack
Why did the lightbulb fail his test? He wasnt bright enough!
What does a cow do for entertainment? Listen to moo-sic.
Yo mamma is such a redneck, when I look at her family tree, it goes straight up.
What do you call a flying skunk? A smell-icopter
Yo momma is so fat, she sat on a gamecube and made it into a gameboy advance.
Yo mamma is so fat, she sat down in Wal-mart and lowered the prices.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vador? An elevator
You know your a redneck when there are 15 cars in your driveway, and the only one that moves is your house.
Yo momma is so poor, I asked her what was for dinner and she put her foot on the table and said "CORN!"
Yo momma is so fat when she sees a school bus go by, she says "STOP THAT TWINKY!!"
You know you're a redneck when you go to a family reunion to find a girlfriend.
You know you're a redneck when you mow your lawn and find 10 cars.
Yo mamma is so fat, she jumped up and got stuck in the sky.
Yo momma is so stupid she threw butter out the window to see a butterfly.
If your uncle Jack was stuck on a roof, would you help your uncle Jack off?
Q: What do you call a schizophrenic Buddhist? A: Someone who is at two with the universe.
Knock knock Who's there? Mayonaise Mayonaise who? Mayonaise a lot of jokes on this website.
What is the difference between a drunk and a druggie? Drunks run a stop sign and druggies stop at it and wait till it turns green.
Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn? A: Where's pop corn?
You're so stupid you got locked in an open convertibale car.
Yo momma is so fat. She has more ass than a donkey farm.
Yo momma so dumb she took back the donut because it had a hole in it!
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know. They can't get the dead one out.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit ? A: The bucket.
A dog is a man's best friend because it gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no in-laws.
You're so ugly that you scared away a man-eating shark!
Yo Momma so fat, you can see her from space.
Knock-Knock Who's there? Orange Orange who Orange you tired of hearing the same stupid jokes about oranges?
A Chinese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller, "Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today Iget a Hunat eighty?" The teller says - "Fluctuations!" The Chinese guy says "Fluc you white guys too"
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They like to keep their clients in the dark!
You're so slow that if you were a train engine, the caboose would be leading.
Why did the pencil cross the road? It was lead!
Teacher: Can you pay a little attention to this lesson?! Pupil: I am trying my best to pay as little attention as I can!!
I went into a restaurant that served 'breakfast at any time'. So, I asked for French Toast in the time of the Renaissance
Did you hear about all the Wal-Marts being taken out of Afghanistan? Yeah thet're putting in Targets!
Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them!
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Depends on how many lightbulbs need changing.
Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date? So they have some place to put their feet.
Your breath is so bad, you need a tic-tac the size of a watermelon!
Yo Mama is so fat, when you were born, you came out singin' "It's a small world after all."
Q: What did the chicken say after it crossed the road? A: "Why is everyone always talking about me?"
Q: Why did the rooster cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't chicken. Q: Why did the pencil cross the road? A: It was lead.
Yo momma is so fat and hairy, that if she dyed her hair green, people would use her for golf practice.
Child: Mom! I got a 100% on my homework! Mom: Really? On what subject? Child: A 40% on science and a 60% on spelling.
Yo Momma is so dumb she can't get the ball to touch the ground.
How to break up a dating couple: Knock-knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I dumped your girlfriend last night?
At a party, a man came up to a stranger and asked "Have you heard the latest Bush joke?" The man replies, "I am Bush." The man said, "Oh. I'll tell it slowly."
You're so stupid, you threw a rock at the ground and missed.
Did you fall out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on your way down?
Did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast this morning?
Yo Momma stinks so bad she has to use Right Guard and Left Guard!
Mom: Why did you get a grade so low? Junior: Because of absence. Mom: Who, You? Junior: No, the kid who sits right next to me.
Teacher: Larry, name two pronouns. Larry: Who, Me? Teacher: That answer is correct.
Why is Mississippi River unusual? Because it has four eyes and can't see!
Where did they sign the Declaration of Independence? At the bottom.
Teacher: Alvin, how many letters are in the alphabet? Alvin: 18. Teacher: Wrong, there are 26. Alvin: No, teacher, there used to be 26, but ET went home in a UFO and the CIA went after him.
Teacher: Name an animal that lives in the tundra. Pupil:A reindeer. Teacher: Good, now name another one. Pupil: Another reindeer.