corrade-lsl-templates – Rev 15
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What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef!
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Utter destruction.
What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper.
So, this guy walks into a bar. And says, "ouch".
If the opposite of pro is con, isn't the opposite of progress, congress?
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the ocean? Bob!
I went to a wedding the other day. Two antennas were getting married. It wasn't much of a wedding ceremony, but it was one heck of a reception!
There's this dyslexic guy... he walked into a bra...
Joel: "How's the progress on new house that you are building Pete?" Peter: "Things are really slow at the moment." Joel: "Yeah, I guess all this rain would be putting a dampener on things..."
A white horse walked into a bar. The barman saw him and said, "We have a whiskey named after you!" The horse looked puzzled and said, "What, Eric?"
There was a dyslexic insomniac agnostic. He laid awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog.
What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A start.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes whack, dang. A bad skydiver goes dang, whack.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Doctor: Well I hope you enjoy changing diapers, Mrs Jones? Mrs Jones: Why, Am I pregnant? Doctor: No, you have bowel cancer!
What do you call a blond with half a brain? Gifted.
Q What has two legs, and bleeds? A Half a dog!
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress," she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
A drunk man walked up to an elevator. He pressed the up button and opened the doors before the elevator could come down to him. He fell all the way down, and said, "Darn it, I said up."
Yo momma is so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
You know you're a redneck if you introduce a friend to your wife and sister and he only has to shake one hand.
Yo momma is so fat, that to get her out of a phone booth we had to grease her thighs and throw a Twinkie into the street.
A bishop, a priest, and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"
An Engineering Major says "How does it work?" A Science Major says "Why does it work?" An Accounting Major says "How much will it cost?" A Liberal Arts Major says "Do you want fries with that?"
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb has got to WANT to change.
How can you tell if a blonde woman has been dating? By the belt buckle imprint on her forehead.
What does a blonde say when she loses her virginity? "So are you guys all on the same team?"
How many lawyers does it take to shingle the roof of a house? It depends on how thin you slice 'em.
Did you hear the one about the Polish wolf? He chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap.
A polar bear walked into a bar and said "Can I please have a gin and............................................tonic?" The bartender replied "Sure, but why the large pause?" "I don't know, I've always had them!"
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
Did you know diarhea is part of your inheritence? Ya, it flows in our genes.
There's this guy he goes to see the doctor and says, "Doctor, Doctor, I have a terrible problem. I have a strawberry stuck up my bottom." The doctor says, "It's ok, I'll give you some cream to put on it."
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl
Two guys walked into a bar... you would have thought the second one would have ducked.
Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam".
The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.
If at first you don't succeed ... avoid skydiving.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day... Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
What do you call a blind deer? No idea (no eye deer.) What do you call a blind deer with no legs? Still no idea! (not moving [still] no eye deer)
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Your momma's so ugly, she's not bald, it's her hair running away from her face!
The gap between your teeth is so big, I don't know whether to smile back or kick a field goal.
You are so stupid, you took a ruler with you to bed to see how long you slept!
Yo mama's so big, she had to call Sherwin-Williams to paint her toenails!
Knock Knock. Who's there? Anita. Anita who? Anita really warm place to sleep tonight, it's cold out here.
You're so fat, when you sit around the house, you really sit around the house.
What do you call 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth!
How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck? If it was invented by anyone else they would have called it a "teethbrush".
Knock knock. Who's there? interrupting cow interrupting co--- MOO
Yo momma so ugly she went into a haunted house and came out with a job application.
Yo momma so stupid she got hit by a parked car.
Yo momma's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals..."
Yo Mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her dad said, "Yeah! Let's go bury it!"
Yo Mama's so ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled "rape", they yelled "NO!"
Yo Mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, and the zookeeper said "I didn't know an animal had escaped."
Your momma is so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Blonde inventions: Waterproof towel Unbreakable egg Submarine screen door Solar powered flash light Helicopter ejection seat Inflatable dart board Pedal powered wheel chairs
What do you call the skeleton of a blonde you find in a closet? 1950's Hide-n-seek champion.
2 blondes are walking in the park and the 1st blonde says, "LOOK! Dead bird!" The 2nd blonde looks up into the sky and yells "Where?!"
What's a blonde doing if her hands are covered tightly over her ears and her mouth is completely shut? She's trying to hold onto a thought.
Why should you never ask a blonde to make ice cubes for you? She'll never remember the recipe.
How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant. What will be her response? "Is it mine?"
Why did the first blonde president move out of the oval office? She couldn't find a corner to put her stuff in.
Your momma is so ugly when she walks through the woods during hunting season she wears a sign saying "DONT SHOOT! FROM THE FRONT I LOOK ALMOST HUMAN!"
Why did the blonde steal a parked police car? She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche. (Porsche 911)
How do you tell a blondes been using your computer? There's whiteout on the screen
You're so ugly when you go outside your arrested for indecent exposure.
Your momma is so poor I saw her kicking a cardboard box down the street and when I asked her what she was doing she said "Moving!"
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish!
How many little brothers does it take to change a light bulb? Three- one to hold onto the bulb and two to turn the ladder.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two- One to screw in the idea, and one to give it a suprising twist at the end.
How many boy scouts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three- Each to do one good turn daily.
Yo Mama's so fat, she didn't have a birth certificate, she had a blueprint!
Yo mama's so fat, she sells shade, and that gives her enough to feed a family!
Yo Momma's so poor, I blew my nose, and she said, "Lord thank us, we have food!"
How is a computer like an air conditioner? When you open Windows it won't work!
Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White? A: They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.
What's the definition of bravery? A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
How does santa greet the three blonde sisters? Ho. Ho. Ho.
You were so ugly as a baby you were the poster child on the birth control posters.
If you're on a plane going to California and you're stuck in an aisle seat how do you trick a blonde into giving you her window seat? Tell her only the aisle seats are going to California.
Why are New Yorkers always depressed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
Yo Mama's so dumb she took a spoon to the Superbowl!
Yo Mama's so stupid, it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes!
Your momma so old and fat when God said let there be light, he asked your momma to move the hell out of the way because she was blocking the sun.
Knock knock. Who's there? Someone too short to ring the doorbell.
Two buzzards were eating a dead clown. One said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Yo mama is so dumb, she had you.
Politics comes from the root "poli-", which means many, and "-tics", which means, blood-sucking creatures.
Why do they have braille on drive-thru ATMs?
Can women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.
Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives!
When everything is coming your way, you're on the wrong side of the freeway.
Laundromat sign: Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
Sign at an office: Would the person who removed the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
Sign at an office kitchen: After the tea break, the staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the drain-board.
antique-an item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.
Jack told me you told him that I told you that he was ugly, and I told you not to tell him I told you that! It's his fault! I told him not to tell you I told him what you told me! Well, don't let it happen again--and don't tell him I told you he told me.
A good way to save face is to keep the lower half shut.
Silence is golden, because you never have to explain something you didn't say.
I'm such an insomniac, the sheep fall asleep before I do.
Yo mama's so fat, when she walks by the television set you miss three episodes.
I know the day I gave up exercise. You wanna know? Check my birth certificate.
Yo mamma so fat when she wears high heels 2 hours later they're flip flops.
Your Mom is so fat she rolled over a SuperNintendo and made 4 Game Boys.
Your mom is so fat her picture fell down.
Your Mom is so fat, she's the only one at the beach that gets a tan.
Yo Momma is so fat she had a dream of marshmallows, and when she woke up, her pillows were gone.
Your momma so fat she uses pillows for pantyliners Your momma so fat she got stuck in the Grand Canyon
Your momma so ugly when she walked through the graveyard 2 men came after her with shovels.
Yo mama so fat when she sat on a rainbow skittles came out!
Your momma so fat when she broke a leg gravy came out.
Your momma so ugly when she went to the horse track people started placing bets on her.
Yo Mama is so fat that the local restaurant says :Maximum occupancy 115 people or yo mama.
Yo Mama is so fat that when she ran away they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Yo Mama is so ugly, when she looks in the mirror her reflection ducks.
Your momma so fat that when she layed on the beach, four guys from greenpeace tried to throw her back in.
It is said that "it is always in the last place you look" Well of course! Are there some people out there who keep looking after they find it?
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
A horse walked into a bar. The barman said, "Why the long face?"
Knock, knock. Who's there? Dwayne Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub mommy, I'm dwowning.
Yo Dad said to yo mama, "We're getting a color TV!" and yo mama asked, "What color?"
Your mom is so stupid, when the doctor told her she had to take a pregnancy test, she asked how long she had to study
Yo mama is so stupid she waited at a Stop sign until it said Go.
Yo mama is so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see the other side.
Yo mama is so stupid she stole a free sample.
Yo mama is so stupid she couldn't even pass a blood test.
Yo mama is so stupid she thinks these jokes are funny.
Yo momma is so stupid, she got locked in McDonalds, and lost 300 pounds.
Yo Mama is so poor, I walked in and dropped a cigarette butt on the floor, and she said, "Clap your hands and stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got heat".
Yo momma is so stupid, she put a free sample on layaway.
Yo mama is so poor that when I walked in the front door, I tripped over the back gate.
An actual headline: "Include Your Children When Baking Cookies"
An actual headline: "Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers"
An actual headline: Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.
An actual headline: Deer Kill 17,000
How do you keep a Rhino from charging? Take away its credit card.
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one-they don't like to share the spotlight.
Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
What do you call a short psychic on the lam? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A small medium at large!
How do you praise a computer? Say "Data Boy"!
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy. "Can I touch it?" "No way -- you already broke yours off!"
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his rear.
Knock-knock Who's there? Boo! Boo who? Don't cry it's just a joke
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two (think about it)
Roses are red Violets are blue I'm schizophrenic And so am I!
Yo Mama is so fat, she went to buy a water bed and they put a blanket over the Altantic Ocean.
I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said yes. She then asked me, "Single click or double click?"
When Eve was first created, she had 3 breasts. She asks God, "What shall I do with this extra breast?" And God created Adam.
A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
Why are the blonde's boobs square? She forgot to take the tissues out of the box!
How do you know if a dummy has been sending e-mail? You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
How do a blond's braincells die? Alone.
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursdays at 7:30 to 8:30, Please use the back door. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.
Yo momma is so dumb that when she got locked in the grocery store she starved to death!
Yo mama stinks so bad that when she puts on her 'Secret' deodorant it tells! ha ha :)
A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in. "Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!" "Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."
A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her and said, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde yelled at the doctor, "I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!"
Q: Why do women fart less than men? A: Because they won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
"I never forget a face. However, in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception." -Groucho Marx
What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron.
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? A: The old drunk of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
Diplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? A: Because it had no body to go with.
Q: What does a fish use to get high? A: Seaweed!
Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? A: In the end, someone's gonna lose a trailer.
Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded the younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."
The bartender at our golf club named a drink Lilac Crazy in honour of one of the members. Every time the member came to the 19th hole, that's exactly what he did.
A teacher is writing a problem on the blackboard when she turns around and says, "If you are stupid, please stand up." After a while, a student stands up and says,"I really don't think I'm stupid, but I feel bad for you standing there by yourself."
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell! She's got a grenade in her mouth!
People say you are the perfect idiot. I say you are not perfect, but you are doing pretty good.
Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?" "You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.
Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home.
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. "I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted. "So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of waterskis? She's still looking for a lake with a slope!!
What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature. Eventually.
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
What do you call a Canadian fire? A Calgary Flame.
What does Monica Lewinski and a coin machine have in common? insert bill here!
To help students remember the word for "wear" in Latin, the professor used the phrase: semper ubi, sub ubi Translation: Always wear under wear.
"You don't have anything in your head except soccer," said a wife to her husband. "I'm sure you've even forgotten when we got married!" "Of course I haven't forgotten," replied the husband. "That was the day England beat Italy 2-1."
Q. Why do young blondes carry goldfish in their pockets? A. So they can smell like old blondes.
What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel? An Air-Bag
Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
Q: Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
The Egyptologist sneezed: Hapshepsut!
Ever notice that "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Take your income and add 10%
What's the difference between a teacher and a train? A train goes "chew, chew, chew," and a teacher says, "Spit that gum out!"
How many FBI agents does it take to change a lightbulb? Shut up! We'll be asking the questions here.
Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 3. One to change it and the other two to argue whether the lightbulb really exists.
"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up." -Phyllis Diller
Every solution breeds new problems.
Join the Marines: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them.
Did you hear about the new Polish million dollar lotery? You get a dollar a year for a million years!!!
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Why does a blonde smile at lightning? She thinks she's getting her picture taken.
Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom? A. EUROPEAN... of course!
Why did a blonde take an empty glass and a glass full of water to bed? She wasn't sure if she would get thirsty during the night.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? Thank you for the refill.
How many republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they only screw the poor.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lighbulb? None, they just assume they've gone blind.
Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral. -- Robert Orben
Q. How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but he has to do it while you're eating dinner.
Sign seen on a maternity-ward door: Push! Push! Push!
Q: What's the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer? A: The cleaner pays if he loses your suit. A lawyer can lose your suit and still take you to the cleaners.
"Are you sure you don't want some Novocain?" asked the dentist. "I'm sure," replied the maharishi. "I wish to transcend dental medication."
An RCMP officer pulled over a vehicle that had performed a rolling stop at a stop sign. When the driver was told this, he replied, "But it says STOP, not STAY!"
Seen on a bumper sticker: "I don't care who's on board, what you love, who you brake for or what you'd rather be doing."
"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific." -Jane Wagner
"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." -Dave Barry
How do you confuse a stupid person? Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
Why do blondes hate making Kool-aid? They can't fit the 8 cups of water in the envelope!
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same stuff?
Yo momma is so fat that the last time she saw 90210 is when she stepped on the bathroom scale!
Why can't Dolly Parton be a teacher? Because every time she turns around she erases the black board.
Q. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills? A. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.
Q:What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A: A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
"Mommy, I hate my sister's guts!" "Shut up and eat what's put in front of you!"
Then there was the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a good figure.
She frowned and called him Mr. Because in sport he kr. And so in spite That very night The Mr. kr. sr.
"How can you stand it?" the young psychiatrist asked the old psychiatrist. "Day in, day out, year in, year out, listening, listening, listening!" "Who listens?"
Then there was the neat nurse, who made the patient without disturbing the bed.
Then there were the three bears. One married a giraffe. The other two put him up to it.
Mind Over Matter If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
"Madame," said the psychiatrist, "you haven't got a complex; you ARE inferior."
The wife ran into the house, screaming to her actor husband, "Darling, come quick. Your kids and my kids are beating up on our kids!"
The Romans had to give up their big holidays because of the tremendous overhead. The lions ate up all of their prophets.
Why is it that when we talk to God we call it praying, yet when God talks to us we are schizophrenic? -Lily Tomlin
Did you see that movie about the pirate? It's rated Arrr!
Yo momma is so fat, it takes 2 toilets to fit one cheek!
Your mama so fat that she has to wear traintracks for a belt!
Your mama so old and fat that she went to see Mt. Rushmore and sang "We Are Family"
Your mama so big that people walk around her for exercise.
Duck #1: Quack Duck #2: Quack Duck #3: Quack Quack Duck #1 takes out a gun and shoots Duck #3. Duck #2: "Why did you shoot him?" Duck #1: "He knew too much."
What is Mary short for? For having no legs, of course...If you didn't have any, you would be short too.
Hey, have any of you heard of the kidnapping in the woods? Yeah, well, it all turns out OK, though, since he woke up...
Yo mama is so fat she used Saturn's rings as hoola-hoops!
What are two blondes doing in front of a motorcycle? Arguing about who get a window seat.
What do you call a smart blond? An Endangered species
What do you call a movie about a man trying to make a blond smart? Mission Impossible
Why do blondes climb chain-link fences? To see what's on the other side.
Why does a blond wear a tight skirt? To keep her legs closed
What is more stupid then a brunette trying to start a fire in a pool? A blonde trying to put it out.
What do you call an intelligent blonde? A Golden Retriever
A blonde is on the road when suddenly she gets a phonecall from her friend: "Watch out! I heard on the radio that some lunatic is going against traffic!" So the blonde says, "Only one? They all are!"
How many Dyslexics does it take to change a Lit Blub?
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.
A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?" "Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
Yo mama so fat, she coughed next to a corn field and made popcorn.
What's the difference between men and women? Women zoom with a camera by walking closer or farther away; men just push the button!
What did the wall say to the picture? How's it hangin`?
I wonder who came up with the company People's Gas and where was their Pepto-Bismal?
You are so stupid you tripped over a cordless phone! You are so stupid you got locked in a furniture store and sat on the floor! You are so stupid you didn't know how to swim so you got in the fish tank to try and learn!
What happens when the smog clears over southern California? UCLA
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I thought I was stupid, Then I met you!
How do you know a blonde is having a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear, and she's looking for her pencil.
I make money the old-fashioned way. My salary is the same as it was ten years ago.
"My husband won a trip for two to Hawaii," a woman complained to her marriage counsellor. "He went twice!"
NAMES OF ACTUAL COUPLES GETTING MARRIED: Broken-Bridge Sarry-Huney Big-Theisman Lossin-Hare Redder-Bottum CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW LONG THOSE COUPLES LAST!
Actual Newspaper Headline: Kids Make Great Snacks For Teachers.
Why don't blind people sky dive? Because it scares the crap outta the dog.
What do Constipated Mathematicians do? Work it out with a pencil.
Yo Mama's so ugly not even the tide would take her out.
A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man." "Well, how about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."
Overheard in a doctor's waiting room: "My uncle had a cough like yours and he died. Mind you, he was hiding under his neighbour's bed at the time."
Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker? He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination but knocks on the door when it gets there.
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the New York hot-dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
Mother to teenage daughter: "The bad news is, we're moving to a different city. The good news is, your new school is full of boys who didn't see you get sick in the cafeteria last month."
Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.
"For Gods sakes Bill! Help her find it!." ~Hillary after walking in with Monica on her hands and knees in front of Bill
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know, it has never happened.
What's the definition of Endless Love? Stevie Wonder playing Ray Charles at Tennis! Endless Love!
Yo mama's so fat when she steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please"!
Contrary to popular opinion, life is NOT a bi**h. Life is a virgin. A bi**h would be easy.
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme!
A decrepit old gas man named Peter While hunting around for the meter His torch he did light He arose out of sight And, of course, as a result, he totally, completely and utterly destroyed the meter!
Q: Where do cows go on Saturday nights? A: To the moovies
It's a little known fact that William Tell and his son were avid bowlers as well as archery buffs. Unfortunately, all the league records were destroyed in a fire, so it may never be known for whom the Tells bowled.
I recently went to my 30th class reunion from nursery school. I didn't want to go because I've put on maybe 90 or 100 pounds since then.
Why can't you trust a blonde to call for an ambulance? She can't find the 11 to call 911.
Yo Momma is so bald when she wears a turtleneck she looks like a broken condom.
Yo Momma so fat when she stepped on my dog's tail I had to change his name to "Beaver."
Why did the blonde call the welfare office? She wanted to know how you cook food stamps.
The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.
They say one way to build character is to do things you don't want to do. Every day I do two things I don't want to do: I get out of bed in the morning and go to bed at night!
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. -- Jackie Mason
The perfect climate is in bed.
Q: What do you call an oxymoron? A: A smart blonde!
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in a mud puddle.
What do you get when you breed a blonde and a New York gangster? A juvenile deliquent who spray paints chain link fences.
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
Yo mama so skinny she had to run arround the shower to get wet.
To make a long story short, well, it helps if the boss walks in!
I put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops.
Grow some dope... plant a man.
alarm clock, n. a device for waking up people who don't have small children
Penguins mate for life. This is not surprising, as they all look the same. It's not like they have to wait and wonder if someone better will come along!
Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicles who resigned on Tuesday? He tried to resign on Monday, but discovered he'd been standing in the wrong line.
Did you hear about the scientists who crossed a porcupine with a sheep? They got an animal that knits its own sweaters.
Yo mama so dumb, she tried to spell out the alphabet with M&M's.
"What possible reason can you have for acquitting this defendant?" the judge shouted at the jury. "Insanity, Your Honour," replied the foreman. "All TWELVE of you?" bellowed the judge.
Opera: where somebody gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, sings.
Two Eskimos sitting in their boat were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the boat, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Yo Mama was so Ugly as a child your granddaddy had to put a pork chop round her neck so the dog would play with her.
What two things in the air can make a blonde pregnant? Her Legs
Whats the difference between a good egg and a good fart? You can't beat a good fart!
Blind Hookers eh? You've got to hand it to them.
A man and a women are making love for the first time. "Cor what a small organ!" the women sniggered "It may be small, darling" replied the man "but it's never played in a Cathedral before!"
A woman's breasts are like a child's toys. They are meant for the child - but the husband is the one that usually ends up playing with them.
There are three well known rings to marriage: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering!
Yo mama's like Humpty Dumpty.... first she gets humped, then she gets dumped!
If you don't like my driving, stay out of the bus shelters!
Overheard at an exhibit in the science museum: "It says here that oxygen was discovered over two hundred years ago." "Wow! What did people breathe before that?"
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? Through a catalogue!!
Did you hear about the woman who poured margaritas in her birdbath? Enough tequila mockingbird.
Knock-knock! Who's there? Chips. Chips who? Chips Ahoy!
Yo momma so dumb, she spent twenty minutes staring at a orange juice bottle because it said, 'Concentrate'.
Q. How do you kill a blond? A. Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Yo mama is so fat, when she got on the scale it said To be Continued!
Yo Momma so dirty she has to sneak up on the water
Your momma such a bitch, PMS cheers her up.
Yo mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale she screwed it to the bottom of the floor.
Did you hear about the new dictionary for masochists? It has all the words, but they're not in alphabetical order.
Never ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night.
Yo Momma is so dumb she had to call 411 to get the number for 911.
Yo Mama so dumb, her favorite color is clear.
Yo Mama so big, fat, and clumsey, when she tried to get to Wal-Mart, she stumbled over K-Mart and landed right on Target.
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below) How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)
How many paranoids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? What exactly do you mean by that?
How was copper wire invented? Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender, not wanting to serve a mushroom, says "Uh uh, I'm not serving no mushroom." "Aw, come on - I'm a fungi!" the mushroom replies.
My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room. It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless!
Q. How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb? A. I'm just going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised.
Why don't ghosts make good magicians? You can see right through them!
Patient: Doctor doctor, J keep seeing doubles! Doctor: Please take a seat. Patient: Which one?
One time, when I was a kid, I forgot to do my homework, so I stole someone else's and turned it in. After class, the teacher pulled me over. She asked why I didn't turn in the homework. I said, guess I forgot to change the name on it!
I had four cappuccinos at one time. I was bouncing off the walls. Good thing they were padded.
Why is boxing a sport? If I beat someone up in an alley and someone sees it, I get arrested. If I beat someone up in an arena where thousands see it happen, I get cheered. I've done both. I like the alley better though.
How many Existentialists does it take to change a light bulb? What light bulb?
Yo Momma is so big that when pirates see her they say, "LAND HO!"
Yo mama's so dumb, she thought that a Playstation was a day care place.
Knock Knock Who's there? Madam Madam who? Madam foot's caught in the door!
Yo mama's so fat that when she went bungee jumping, she took down the whole bridge with her.
Yo mama's so fat that she rents herself out as a jumping castle.
Knock Knock Who's there? July July who? July like Bill Clinton
Famous Last Words "Oh come on, nobody's died from this in years." "I saw it on Jackass last night." "My dad did it when he was a kid." "Yes, I'm sure that the power is off." "It'll only hurt for a couple of days." "See, I'm not afraid of heights."
Famous Last Words: "The gun isn't loaded, ok?" "Yes, I double checked." "This fuse should give us plenty of time." "I don't think he has a gun." "This is a very safe neighborhood!" "I am 100% sure of the blast radius."
This is off a Coast Guard bumper sticker: Support Search and Rescue: GET LOST!
Darn those pushy metric system advocates! Give them 2.54 cm., and they'll take 1.6093 km!
Yo mama's so fat, her Inuit name is Denali!
Yo momma is so dumb, she thought a GameCube was a Rubik's puzzle.
Yo Momma's so fat, when she jumps in the ocean, people head for higher ground.
Yo self-centered momma is so fat, the world really does revolve around her!
Yo mama is so fat, your family photos have to be shot from a plane.
Yo mama is so fat and lazy, that her hair-do has been turned into a National Forest.
Yo Mama so stupid, she got fired at the M & M factory because she threw out all the W's!
3 people were asked to find the "hardest" word in the dictionary. One person found the word "happiness". One person found the word"photosynthesis". The last person found the word "dick".
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, blondes usually screw in cars!
What do railroad tracks and blondes have in common? They are both laid all over America!
How do you get a blonde to laugh on Friday? Tell her a joke on Monday!
What does a blonde do when she wakes up? She goes home!
A blonde is like a door knob, everyone gets a turn!
Knock Knock! Who's there? Little boy blue. Little Boy Blue who? Micheal Jackson!!!!!
Why are constipated people so mean and rude? ..because they don't give a crap!
What do hookers and bungee jump cords have in common? They're both cheap, fast and if the rubber breaks, your dead!
Yo mama so old that when I told her to act her age, she died!
If it sounds like a duck, has a beak like a duck and feet like a duck, and swims like a duck, you still better make sure that it ain't a platypus!
A boy asks his dad,"Dad, what is 6.9?" The dad answers, "69 interrupted by a period!"
Why does Santa have such big balls? Because he only comes once a year!
You're so stupid that you sold your car for gas money!
One blonde was so dumb she got locked in a bathroom and pissed her self!
A blonde is like a turtle. If either one is on their back, they are screwed!
How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a circular room and tell her there is a vibrator in the corner. How does a blonde confuse you? When she comes out and says she found it.
How many blonde jokes are there? One. The rest are all true stories.
What's the difference between a blonde and the internet? Not everyone has been on the internet!
How do you fit 4 gay guys on a chair? Turn it upside down!
What do Osama Bin Laden and crabs have in common. They both irritate bush!
What is grosser than gross? When a midget walks by and says your hair smells nice!
What is the name for a bandaid on a pumpkin? A pumpkin patch!
You're so stupid, you tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
Your so stupid you tried to kill a fish by drowning it!
Your so stupid you invented glow in the dark sun glasses!
You're so dumb you invented water proof tea bags!
You're so fat, when you went outside wearing a yellow dress everybody called "TAXI"
You're so ugly, you can't even turn on a lightbulb!
You're so fat that everybody has to talk behind your back!
Yo mama so ugly, when she went to go rob a bank she didn't have to use no gun, she just reached her head over the counter and said put the money in the bag!!!!!
Yo mama so fat, when she sat on a quarter, boogers came out of George Washington's nose.
What did the Lawyer name his daughter? Answer: Sue
Can you go skinny dippin' if you're fat? Is it possible to fight on a luv seat? If you drink tap water can you tap dance? by:lilpapa92
Why did the blonde take a right into the ditch? Her blinker was on.
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
How do you keep a blonde busy on a rainy day? Tell her to touch the rainbow.
You're so stupid that when you send a FAX you put a stamp on it
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it.
Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad we're penguins, doesn't it?"
What is the difference between a BMW & a porcupine? A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
That sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes when you're sad, no one understands your pain. Sometimes when you're happy, no one sees your smile. But you just have to fart once, and EVERYBODY knows.
Did you hear about the sailor who died, and wanted to be buried at sea by his 5 blonde daughters? His daughters all drowned digging the grave.
You're so poor I went in your front door and came out the back.
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?" The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"
Why don't you slip into something comfortable. Like a coma.
I haven't seen anyone run that fast since Twinkies went on sale.
Blondes are like a rollercoaster, everyone gets a ride!!!
What do you call an Irishman sitting in your backyard? Paddy O'Furniture
A tutor who tooted the flute Tried to teach two young tooters to toot Said the two to the tutor Is it harder to toot or To tutor two tooters to toot?
Broccoli, while not exoccoli, Is within an inach of being spinach.
Q. What's worse than raining cats and dogs? A. Hailing taxicabs!
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "Of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
Q: Why did the blonde get pulled over by the police? A: Her headlights weren't working, so she was flashing people
Did you hear about the accident at the mall? There was a power outage and a group of blondes was stuck on the escalator for 3 hours!
Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi.
Q: What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river? A: Pollution. Q: What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge? A: Solution.
Yo Mama's so fat the only thing stopping her from getting into Jenny Craig is the door!
Knock-knock Who's there? Joe Joe who? Jo mama
I would punch you but I couldn't make you any uglier.
Knock-knock Whose there? Says Says who? Says me
Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots? A: Bunny farts!
What is Beethoven doing today? -Decomposing.
You might be a redneck if your baby's first words were, "Attention, K-mart shoppers!"
Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not! Boy: Good cause I didn't do my homework!
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
A girl and her best friend were at a cafe. The girl said her boyfriend finally told her about marriage. Her best friend asked her what he said. "He is married and has 3 kids," she replied.
Yo momma is so fat she has more chins than a chinese phone book!
If two's a company and three's a crowd... what's four and five? NINE!!!!
Ghost Stories by I.C. Spooks Rocket to the sun by R.U.Nuts Your Book of Glamour by Q.T Pie The Camel Ride by Major Bum - issore How to Grow Shorter by Neil Down How to Grow Taller by Stan Dup
A Hole in the Bucket by Lee King Long Walk by Miss. D. Bus The Playground by C. Saw Fitting Carpets by Walter Wall Around the World by Sir Cumfrence Flexibility by Ben Dover Bladder Controld by Idon P. Freely
A blonde and brunette jump off a cliff at the same time. Why did the brunette hit the floor before the blonde? The blonde asked for directions!
Q: Why did the blonde have bruises around her bellybutton? A: Because her boyfriend was blond too!
What's another name for a push-up bra? False advertisement
A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn."
The Chinese say: Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.
Men who walk in front of car get tired. Men who walk in back of car get exhausted.
What kind of soup do you order at a gay Chinese resturant? Cream of Yungi (Cream of Young Guy)
Yo mama is so dumb it took her an hour to make minute rice!!!
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
"Your late teeing off, Fred." "Yup, well being Sunday I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church, or to play golf" "But why are you so late?" "I had to toss for it fifteen times!"
If you're fat. can you still disapear into thin air? If you're fat, can you still have slim chances of doing something?
What's the difference between yo mamma and a water buffalo? About 20 pounds! How do you even out the difference? Either force feed the buffalo or shave your mom.
Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother? New Recruit: Call for backup!
Yo mamma so fat when she sat on a jelly bean it got lost between her butt and her backbone, and we have been looking for it still for 31 years.
Q: What's the difference between a girls track team and a tribe of pygmies? A: The pygmies are cunning little runts.
Q: What do you call 4 blondes standing side-by-side? A: A wind tunnel.
What do you call a bear who's into gardening? A Hairy Potter!
How do you turn a blonde into a brunette? Make her do a cartwheel!
Middle Age: when knees buckle and belts don't.
Navy dentist's licence plate: TOP GUM
Poise: the ability to continue speaking fluently while the other fellow is picking up the cheque.
God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth." Angel: "What are you going to do now?" God: "Call it a day."
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb? A: We can change the bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get it changed overnight.
The ten things a guy knows about a girl: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. They have boobs.
Heard over the hospital public address system: Due to a mix up in Urology, no apple juice will be served this morning.
When ice skating, never judge a brook by its cover.
Children certainly brighten up a home. Who ever saw a child under 12 turn off an electric light?
What do you get when you see peas spinning in circles? World Peace (whirled peas)
What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.
Yo mama so fat she's got a real horse on her polo shirt.
Visitor : "Knock knock?" Worker: "Who's there?" Visitor : "Doughnut Man." Worker: "Doughnut Man who?" Visitor : "For the last time, do not (doughnut) bother me with your useless 'Knock-Knock' jokes!" Worker: "But you started it!"
Knock-knock Who's there Who Who who I don't know what the heck your talking about but good owl impression.
What do you call a blonde which is as sweet as a pickle and has dirty blonde hair? A sweet potatoe!
Q: Why are fingers on the statue of liberty 11 inches long? A: Because if they were 12 inches they would be feet.
Knock Knock?? who's there? Hatch Hatch-who? Bless you
Who's Bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby? His baby cause he is a little Bigger.
Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team? She kept running away from the ball!!
Knock KnocK??? Who's there? Ya Ya who? Where did that cowboy come from??
If a man becomes president, his wife is the first lady. If a woman became president, what would you call her husband? Whipped.
"He who laughs last, thinks slowest."
Why did Michael Jackson cover his body in cheese spread? Because kids will do anything for the taste of Dairylee.
For all you Blonde ladies out there. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them
What do you call a blond who can change a lightbulb? Talented
What do you call a man who put the toilet seat down after use? Don't know it's never happened.
How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb? One I hope.
What's the difference between a Ford and a golf ball? You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.
Q: How many FBI agents does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'm afraid that you are not able to receive this classified information.
Blonde jokes started when a brunette and a red head had to much time on their hands, because a blond was out with their boyfriends.
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A: A mosquito will stop sucking when you smack it!
Q: A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all in the 3rd grade. Who has the biggest tits? A: The blonde because she is 18.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde has been driving your car? A: There is lipstick on the steering wheel from her blowing the horn.
Q. Why do blondes wear panties? A. To keep their ankles warm!!
Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? A: Fourth grade.
Q: What's the difference between Snowmen and Snowwomen? A: Snowballs
You're so fat you make sumos look anorexic.
You're so fat Richard Simmons laughs at you.
You might be a redneck if you think fast-food is hitting a dear at 65mph.
Two crisps are walking down the road when a car pulls up alongside and the driver leans out and says "Do you fancy a lift?". The crisps reply, "No thanks we're Walkers".
Police officer: "Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle". Dog owner: "Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle".
Q.What is the speed limit for sex? A. 68, at 69 you have to turn around!
Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike. "How'd you get that, son?" "By hiking." "Hiking?" "Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."
Yo momma is so fat that she is on both sides of the family!
"He who laughs last, doesn't get the joke."
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can not!
Vacation begins when dad says. "I know a shortcut"!
Energizer Bunny arrested... charged with battery.
Lottery, a tax on people who can't do math
all generalizations are false
Yo momma so fat, and you so poor, she stepped in your house and the tires popped.
Eat right, stay fit, die anyway!
IRS... we've got what it takes, to take what you've got
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
DNA, national dyslexic association
Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.
I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.
No one is listening to you until you make a mistake.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
DARE, to keep cops off donuts
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Save a tree, eat a beaver!!
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.
Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else!
Always go to other peoples funerals, or they wont come to yours.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Nobody's perfect-I'm a nobody.
Ask me about my vow of silence..
Courdory pillows--they're making headlines.
What is another word for Thesaurus?
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.
How many gay people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 8, one to screw it in, and seven to stand back and say "Fabulous!"
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Q: What is the definition of a sick bird? A: Illegal
Veronica: Nurse, I am losing my hair! Nurse: Okay, what size paper bag do you need?
Her name was Virginia. They called her Virgin for short, but not for long!
And out of the night came the terrible scream, "Who put the sand in the Vaseline!?"
If my dog was as ugly as your mom, I'd shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards!
A blonde missed a 44 bus so she took the 22 bus twice!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo? A: A jump rope
Q: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a sheep? A: A sweater with pockets
What's the difference between two yards? A. Usually a fence.
Knock Knock? Who's there? Megan Megan who? Makin a list chekin it twice gonna find out who's naughty or nice.
When physics meets Star Wars: May the net force be with you!
Q: Why did piglet look in the toilet? A: He was looking for Pooh (poo)
There were 3 tomatoes. A momma tomato, a papa tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato started to fall behind and the papa tomato called over to him and said, "Ketchup!"
All lazy peoples' slogan must be "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." But fear not for all of you who wake up early just keep this in mind: The first cat gets the mouse.
Knock Knock! Who's there? Yo da lay he. Yo da lay he who? I didn't know you could yodel!
Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex? Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.
Q: What's black, blue, brown and laying in a ditch? A: A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
Knock-Knock Who's There? Rita Rita who? Rita book, you might learn something!
Q. What do you call a guy that sits on your doorstep? A. A Matt.
Q: What do you call a guy with a Spade in his head? A: Doug. Q: What do you call a guy without a spade in his head? A: Douglas
Question: Who am I if I have 73 eyes, 4 noses, 8 heads, 139 arms, 78 legs and 100, 000, 000 lips? Answer: A liar.
Yo daddy so bald he has to have holes in his pocket to finger through his hair.
Why is the letter E like London? Because it is the Capital of England
What disasters would happen if a waiter dropped a plate of turkey? The downfall of Greece, the overthrow of Turkey and the break up of China
What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college? "Would you like fries with that?"
Knock-Knock? Who's there? Alison. Alison who? Alison (I listen) to the radio sometimes!
Yo' mama so poor, all she got you for Christmas was a video of other kids playin' with their toys!
What does it mean when a blonde is saying, "yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no?" She's testing if her brunette friend's turn signal is working!
A man walks in to an auto store and asks the blonde cashier where the turtle wax is. The blonde says,"I'm sorry sir, but we don't sell pet supplies."
What's the difference between a jailer and a jeweler? One sells watches, one watches cells!
Yo mamma so stupid she threw a clock out the window to see time fly.
Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room? So she could use it as a mirror!
Yo mama is so stupid that she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.
Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on? A: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.''
Yo mama so short, she did a suicide jump off of the curb.
Your IQ is so low, you have to dig for it!
It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
How did the redneck die drinking milk? The cow sat on him!
Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one, and everyone elses' stinks.
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
How do you tell that a blonde has been at a computer? There is lipstick on the joy stick!
Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen? A: To draw blood.
Yo momma's so fat that I ran out of gas trying to drive around her.
How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? Wave!
What did the baby lightbulb say to his mother? I wuv you watts and watts!
Yo' Mama's teeth are so yellow, her tonsils have to wear sunglasses.
Yo mama is so dumb she brought toilet paper to a craps game.
A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened. "The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron." "What about the other one?" "They called back."
Q. What happens when you cross a Bulldog with a Shih tzu? A. You get Bullshit.
What is a blonde's mating call? NEXT!!!!!!!!
Yo mama so ugly when she threw a boomerang it never came back!
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!'' The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?''
Yo mama's so dumb, she drowned during the wave at the football stadium.
How are women and a tornado alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Ben Dover Mike Hunt Phil McCrackin Ajock Strap Anita Cock Ipe Freely Seymour Buttes
On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender smiles and says "Hey, ya know we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper stops and says "Really? You have a drink called Steve?"
Borrow money from a pessimist---They don't expect it back.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Where does Superman's goldfish live ? In the superbowl....
Where does Batman's goldfish live ? In the BAT-TUB!! ahahaha...
An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
Two atoms are walking down the street when one atom says to the other, "I think I lost an electron." The other atom says "Are you sure?" "Yeah I'm positive!"
What do you call a pretty woman in Poland? A tourist
What is worst tasting, a bag of onions or porkloaf? Porkloaf, why? Because porkloaf spelled backwards is faolkrop which sounds like fowl crap.
Your mom's so fat, I have to take a bus a train and a cab just to get on her good side.
Your mom's so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion.
Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she looks at the menu and says, "OK"!
Two ducks walk into a bar... One duck looks at the other and says "Guess you didn't see it either."
A test-tube baby has a womb with a view.
If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?
Your mama so fat that when she goes swimming in the ocean all the whales start singing, "We are familly even though you fatter than me".
Your dad's bald spot is so big you could draw an H on it and call it a helicopter landing pad.
What do you call something with 4 eyes, 3 noses, 7 ears, and 2 mouths? Ugly!
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Q: How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb???? A: Since when do roaches screw in lightbulbs?
Why did the bubblegum cross the road? Because he was stuck to the chickens leg.
Why did President George W. Bush go into a gorilla's nest in the jungle? To be with his family!
A man and wife are out shopping one day. The wife turns to her husband and says; "Darling it's my mum's birthday tomorrow what shall we get her? Perhaps something electric?" "A chair?" replies the husband.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice...
Joe and Ted finished an exam and talked to each other afterwards. "I did terrible," said Joe. "I think I was filling in the wrong bubbles!" "Me too," replied Ted. "Well, why did you do terrible?" asked Joe. "I forgot to bring a pencil!"
Joe: I got a problem. Ed: What's the matter? Joe: Women. I just don't understand them. Ed: Do you understand your TV? Joe: No. Ed: So what's the problem?
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
I half a spelling checker, It came with my pea sea; It plainly marks four my revue, Mistakes I kin not sea. I've run this poem threw it, I'm sure your please two no, Its letter perfect in it's weigh, My checker tolled me sew.
Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and let me in!
Officer: "And you still insist you're innocent, in spite of the fact that we have six witnesses to the crime ?" Offender: "If it's witnesses you want, I can produce seventy people who didn't see me steal the stuff."
When is it Michael Jackson's bed time? When the little hand meets the big hand.
What do you call happiness? Seeing your mother-in-law's photo on the back of a milk carton!
What's the difference between an alchoholic & a drug addict? The alchoholic drives over the stop sign, while the drug addict waits for it to turn green.
Barry calls his boss. "I'm having problems with my eyes." "What's wrong with them?" his boss asks. "I just can't see myself coming into work today."
If I wanted to think of a better come back, I'd dig it out of your @$$!
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in spring training.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They have spelt MACY'S wrong!"
Q. What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick ? A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for ? A. They are Braille for "suck here".
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin ? A. You come in one and go in the other.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex ? A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job ? A. After 5 years your job will still suck.
Q. What's the best thing about a blow job ? A. Ten minutes of silence.
Q. How is a woman like a laxative ? A. They both irritate the shit out of you.
Q. Why do husbands die before their wives ? A. They want to
Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull ? A. Lipstick.
What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant.
A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.'' The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''
There once was a very old man, whose verses no one could scan. And when they asked, "Why?" he said, "I don't know, I "just put too many words in the last line, I guess."
There was an old man from Purdue whose limericks stopped on line two.
What's the difference between a Scot and Mick Jagger? Mick Jagger sang "Hey, you, get offa my cloud." The Scot says "Hey, McCloud, get offa my ewe."
A blonde walked into a library and said to the librarian, "Can I have some fish and chips please?" The librarian gave her a funny look and said, " I'm sorry, this is a library." So the blonde whispers,"Can I have some fish and chips please?"
Yo momma's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this: "Washington, California..."
What is a horse's favourite Shakepearean play? Rodeo and Juliet
Yo moma's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen.