corrade-lsl-templates – Rev 15
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My daughter just told me she's infertile. "That's a great joke," I said. "I can't wait to tell it to my grandchildren."
Did you hear about the butter on toast? I can't tell you, you might spread it!
The propellor of a plane is actually a giant fan for the pilot When the fan stops, you can actually see the pilot start sweating
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down... You have my Word.
How many Shakers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Shakers can't screw
The day after Thanksgiving is often the biggest capitalist/materialistic shopping day every year. I'm protesting it this year, and had to think of the movement's slogan... Black Fridays Matter.
How many homeless people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Homeless people can't have light bulbs
What is definition of indefinitely? When your balls are touching her ass, you are in-definatlly
I asked Kellyanne Conway for her email And she said "oh you mean my alternative fax?"
I'm going to post a joke I hope it dosen't get [deleted]
What do female geologists do as a side job? Prostitution. They quite enjoy studying hard things!
A masochist and a sadist are doing their thing& The masochist says: "Hit me" and the sadist answers: "no&"
I used to think babysitting was just a job teenagers did to make a quick buck Then I saw how much Kellyanne Conway makes.
What did the math book say to the literature book? You're so full of great stories, I'm just filled with problems
I like my women like I like my pies... Still warm.
TIL that the Beatles had to change the lyrics to Hello Goodbye because it was too "british". The original was "Oi Mate Piss Off"
What is the hardest part about your wife telling you she has AIDS? Acting surprised.
What do you say when you see a Nazi trip and fall? "Are you Alt-right?"
How does one go from being a doctor to an Uber driver? They move to America.
Who is Donald Trumps favorite basketball player? John Wall Get it?
Why did the chicken cross the road? I was hoping you would just upvote.
If Fifth Harmony was unable to perform at the NHL All Star... They can still have an option to work from home via satellite.
What did Bill Clinton say when asked why Hillary lost? "Not sure, she never used to go down."
Why did the letters A through Y hate the Jews? Because they were Not Z.
TIL the current Russian President once nearly placed a bomb in a friendly naval vessel. Wait, am I Putin this in the wrong sub?
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man? Zero.
Why don't computers have any brothers? They are all trans-sisters.
Jesus at a restaurant in Heaven... "Holy cow!" "Yes, Lord. I am both you server and your steak. How would you like me cooked?" "Well done, my good and faithful sirloin."
What kind of ships can't go in salt water? Snail-boats
Dear Muslim refugees: just pretend to be Christian. That's what most Christians do anyways.
What do you call a white duck? A quacker.
Wife asks why I bring my ccw to church... Because you can never predict when there will be a mass shooting.
Horse walks into a bar... ..Barman: "Why the long face?"
Swallow is a bird or a fish? It's an order.
Anyone care for a limerick? There once was a man from Nantucket Who wanted to vacation in Phuket But changed his mind On where to unwind Because he'd rather not shit in a bucket.
What does NASCAR really stand for? Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks
My wife and her twin were standing next to each other in the kitchen Well, long story short, I grabbed the wrong butt and my brother in law was not amused
Cleaning ladies: The new craze that's sweeping the nation
What's the opposite of critical thinking? Critical theory.
What part of your hand is the most salty? The NaCls
Its best to put your phone on some rice when its wet Asian people will come at night and fix it
I heard McDonalds is really bad for you. That why I only eat at Burger king.
What do you call an ill Saudi Arabian? Sikh
Communism jokes are not funny Unless everyone gets them
What's the difference between your mom and a bowling ball? Your mom can't fit in a bowling ball.
2 cactuses are talking to each other One of them asks the other, "Hey, do you know how to speak the human language?" To which he responds, "yeah it's easy, they always say ouch!"
What do you call a wine loving horse? Chardon-neigh.
i don't think women should stay in the kitchen... i mean, how are they supposed to clean the rest of the house from there?
A Muslim enters the United States Oh sorry thought it was still 2016.
Do you know what the arch enemies of skinheads are? Blackheads.
All pro athletes are bilingual They speak English and profanity.
What was Tigger doing in the toilet? Looking for Pooh
I returned from court to see 'Welcome home dad' hanging over the foyer.. It was a suspended sentence
Muslims in the U.S.A [Removed]
I have a Chinese friend with really bad internet His name is Hai Ping
Why did the scarecrow receive an award? It was outstanding in his field.
Tip: if you don't want comedians weighing in on politics.... ...don't elect a joke. (Credit to Bo Burnham)
So what do you all think of the new House of Cards? I have to say that whole plot twist with Trump becoming the new president was quite unexpected.
My friend overdosed on Tofu The coroner called it a Soysoning
How many Chicago Policemen does it take to crack an egg? None. It fell down the stairs.
A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night... ... and he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?"
I tied a rope and swallowed it I shit you knot!
What do you call a Hispanic radio station? Mixed Signals
If pronouncing your b's like v's makes you sound Russian... Then *soviet!*
I don't get what you guys are saying about how Mexicans hate Trump... ... Every Mexican I see is calling him a peachy cool arrow.
My rich uncle just passed away so I recently came into some money But now the bills are all stuck together
A English teacher says to a African student.. "okay you're doing really good with your English, I would like you to use the word dandelion in a sentence" the student replies "ohh that is easy, The giraffe, is bigger, dan de lion"
I hate people who use the wrong words in a sentence and don't correct themselves They sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I used to be up to date with memes... then I took an arrow to the knee
Why shouldn't you buy underwear from Ukraine? Because Chernobyl (cher-knob-el) fallout.
It's always I before E Except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor.
I saw a man with a several rabbits on his head today... When I inquired as to why he had rabbits on his head, he simply stated "From a distance they look like hares"
Why do men sound like they're having an orgasm when they're lifting weights? And why is my father lifting weights in the bathroom?
McDonalds is releasing a new Japanese fish sandwich. It will be called The Real Mc Koi.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers
I would cauliflower... ...but I don't have its number.
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Just found out I was dating a commie Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier
What is the sound of Trump's head hitting the Liberty Bell? Dunnnnnnng
having sex for pleasure Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin. I had to shag a lot of animals to find that out.
What did Dee Snider say he wanted for Christmas? I WANNA ROCK
What do you call it when a nail is driven through the canvas of a piece of artwork? A 'pain'-ting.
What do housewives do on Saturday nights? They go Sam's Clubbing
Husband: "I have good news and bad news" Wife: "Tell me the bad news first." Husband: "The washing machine broke." Wife: "And the good news?" Husband: "The dogs are clean."
My grandmother died stoned. She was showing too much leg.
I work in construction... We don't have side pieces, we have back hoes
I just enlisted my kids into the Navy. Or as the wife calls it, masturbated in the shower.
A pregnant prostitute visits her Doctor... The Doctor asks, "do you know who the father is?" The prostitute replies, "if you ate a can of beans, would you know which one made you fart?"
Do you know what Mexicans think about Trump's wall? Who cares, they'll get over it..
I just came to a conclusion Best wank of my life
What do you call a tight fitting bra? A boobie trap.
A mathematician walks into a pizza bar and orders one pi He receives two
I like my Thanksgiving turkey like I like my own ass On the dining room table, with my family gathered round, and with my grandmum's fists in it pulling out the stuffing.
Never trust a stairwell. Every time you turn around, it's a new story!
What is life? Better with drugs
If Trump deports all the Mexicans Who's going to build the wall?
A boy asks his father A boy asks his father: Where's the potato peeler? Father: In the supermarket
Conservatives keep telling me to find Jesus How am I supposed to find him if they want him sent back to mexico and want a wall to keep him out?
Five year old granddaughter to me. Her: Knock, Knock. Me: Who's there? Her: Interrupting cow. Me: Interrp.... Her MOO, MOO
So my wife thinks I'm really annoying... but we tried anal for the first time the other day so now I'm really a pain in her ass.
Why do you never see a black person with Down Syndrome? God doesn't punish anyone twice.
What do you call a small knife used for killing gorillas? A harambit
I wouldn't bother making a joke about an infinite line No point.
It's cool how today everyone is applauding patriots for standing up for human rights... ...and by next Sunday everyone will be back to hating the Patriots again
Why is Donald Trump the rarest form (real life incartination) of pepe? Because it can be witnessed only once in a *Melania*-um.
What do you call a female scientist? A scientits
Mechanical Engineer NSFW Mechanical Engineer's wife Delivers a baby.. Wife Sends SMS to her Husband: "Your New Vehicle is Launched." Husband replies back: "With Gear or Without Gear?*"
Screamed on a drunk to get out of the road He replied, an Aeroplane just flew off over my head, What can a car make a difference ...
How long do owls live? Six and a half books.
Aztecs.... Are the religion of peace, you racist!
You know what they say about people with big feet... You could easily get a part-time job as a clown
What do you call a basement full of progressives? A whine cellar.
You were a still born baby.. Mother didn't want you but you were still born.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? A "Do-You-Think-He-Saw-urus" How do you call a blind dinosaur's dog? Do-You-Think-He-Saw-urus Rex
A Muslim walks into the U.S Just kidding
When I feel like I have nobody to talk to... I call the NSA. They're really nice because they always listen.
I have a pizza.....I have a pineapple UGH! Satan's creation.
My science teacher taught us about gravity today. It was such a heavy subject to take...
Two snakes walk into a bar... ^^^Wait, ^^^they ^^^slide... ^^^Nevermind...XD
Fastfood Clerk: Number 27! Double steak combo with extra fries! Man: Right here! Clerk: Here you go sir, sorry about your weight. Man: Oh, it wasn't long at al- wait... Clerk: >:D
If the skin on your elbow is called a weenus... Is the skin on your knee called a knee-nus? (I'm so sorry)
My teacher pointed at me with...... My teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said ?at the end of this ruler is and idiot!? I got detention after I asked him which end he was referring to.
What do you call a naked Asian? Barelee.
These Stolen Valor guys all seem homeless or mentally ill... Guess they're pretty good at impersonating our troops after all!
An Asian Keanu An Asian Keanu enters a room. Asian Keanu got angry. Asian Keanu Reeves.
Janet, a bit tipsy from the champagne, didn't realize the new office photocopier was a 3D photocopier. So Steve got a nice bust for his bookshelf for christmas.
I am sad because I did something today. doing something stood on my not-to-do-list for today
I saw my disrespectful co-worker today she was hot. "Wow, words can't describe how pretty you are." I said walking up to her. She then replied looking at me as if I was a creep: "Uh thanks.. weirdo" "But numbers can" I smirked. "2/10. Bitch."
1-step guide for Asexual Reproduction Go fuck yourself
How do you know a girl is into you? Just pinch yourself, if you don't wake up, she doesn't.
My wife said she's had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up. So I just packed my bags and right.
My wife was choking at dinner, so I flipped her over the table, pulled her knickers down and stuck my tongue up her arse. The shock made her spit out the obstruction and breathe again. Thank god I knew the hind-lick manoeuvre!
President Trump! What about the aliens from space? We need a ROOF!
People are counting down the time to the end of Trump's presidency... Are you really that excited to have Kanye West as the president of US?!
People like to compare Hillary Clinton to Hitler, but there's one huge difference: Hitler acknowledged he was at fault for killing people.
I was going to tell the joke about the scarecrow... but I think it has already been posted.
What are they going to use to build the wall? The bricks that were shat by people when Trump became president.
A man went to the doctor The doctor said "im afraid your illness is terminal..." The man asked "well how long do i have doc?" The doctor said "10" The man asked "10 what?" The doctor said "9, 8, 7....."
Ask /r/personalfinance to draw you a line, they deliver a circle. They always make ends meet!
FDR hates cripple humor He can't stand it
I don't want to make a political joke It might get elected as president of the United States
So what if I don't know what "apocalypse" means. It's not like it's the end of the world
A man is caught staring so hard at his marriage certificate by his wife... She asks him what he's looking for. He replies, "oh just the expiration date!"
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder... The bartender says "What a strange pet, what's his name?" "Tiny." the man replies. "What an odd name, why do you call him tiny?" "Because he's my newt."
I know a Spanish philosopher and he lives in my kitchen... His name is Plato.
Why don't Jews have showers in their homes? Because they're too cheap to pay the bills.
My girlfriend's a crappy computer ... she always shuts down when I need her but never shuts up when I don't.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster? "I'M BREADY TO DIE"
I wanted a cat but the wife wanted a dog ... so we compromised and got a dog
Breast Inplants They such a silly-con
There are three types of people in this world. People who can count and people who can't.
China's time zone is 28 days behind ours. "Chinese New Year"
I like my women like I like my moose Big, brown, and horny
Boyfriend: You know you can..... Boyfriend: You know you can be a real bitch. Girlfriend: I have been called worse. Boyfriend: Like what? Girlfriend: Your girlfriend!
That's a nice ham you have there It would be a shame if someone put an 's' at the start and an 'e' at the end...
What do Intel, Google, Uber, eBay, McDonalds, Budweiser, AT&T, Oracle, Disney, Boeing, IBM and Apple have in common? Immigrants
Dicks are like LAYS potato chips... No one ever sucks JUST ONE!!
Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas! This is what Santa Clause says when he sees your wife, mother and sister together in the same room.
A cannibal walked into a female patient's surgery room... "I'll take the eggs, please."
50% of Canada Is the letter A
I have at last fulfilled my dream of becoming arms dealer... ... by selling 3D printed prosthetic limbs for the needy.
A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live... Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please" Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life"
I really like food Sorry, I made a Misteak, that wasn't really a joke. It's even Grater with Cheese. Damn. That was just Punishment.
How do the Welsh eat cheese? Caerphilly
Apparently Abraham Lincoln kept extremely detailed records of every single tree he cut down, detailing the type of tree, dimensions, even the location where it was cut, and more. They're called the Lincoln Logs.
Whats the hardest part of eating a vegetable? The wheelchair
Whats the best part about sleeping with a midget? You're sure to get a little head
Trump, how do you plan on building the wall? 140 characters at a time
How did the roman cannibal feel about his victim? He was glad he ate her.
Things in the United States have been awfully unfortunate as of late It's almost as if it were built upon a gigantic native american burial ground
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
How do you trigger a switch? Flip it off.
Which bear can dissolve in water? A polar bear
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
Sign outside at "Justice of the Peace" You furnish the bride...........we will do the rest.
The new season of House of Cards will be nothing compared to what lies ahead with President Trump!
What does a prostitute wear on her feet? Whore shoes.
?Dear you can?t go to the theater in your old coat, can you? Husband: ?Dear you can?t go to the theater in your old coat, can you? Wife (hopefully): ?Certainly not, dearest.? Husband: ?Just what I thought so I only bought one ticket.?
Why was the dog shaking? He had Barkinson's
What's the difference between gluten and hillbillies? One's inbred, the others in bread
United States of America
"Give it to me," my girlfriend yelled. "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella
I was talking to a fat girl about her weight... I was addressing the literal elephant in the room.
How many Scottish highlanders does it take to change a light bulb? There can be only one.
I'm surprised Trump ran as a Republican I thought he was running as a joke
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to her.
I had a donkey. I named it Heeh. It died. Heeh awwwww. :-(
I enjoy my women like I enjoy my coffee... Blindfolded and scared.
What is a pirate's favorite type of joke? Traditionally a pun involving an "arrr", but for the purposes of this joke, it's sarrrcasm.
What's the difference between New York City and the Land of Mordor? Two Towers.
Soliciting a blowjob is illegal. Soliciting a blowjob is illegal, but betting a whore $50 she can't swallow your cum isn't.
What do you call a sketchy neighborhood in Italy? A Spaghetto.
I'm not a Grammar Nazi I'm alt-write
I like women like i like my pizza Crusty with lots of cheese.
I don't like holocaust jokes. Anne Frankly you shouldn't either.
What's an SS soldier's favorite key? I don't know, but I know it's not C!
They say when you've hit rock bottom, the only way is up... Well, I must have drilled a fucking hole in that rock because I keep falling.
If the Scottish started to colonize North America before the British... Could I say that the Scott Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock?
What was Trump's reaction to the petition for him to release his tax returns Not my precedent
I was told the general rules of life is to help people, be nice and give aids. So I don't know why everybody is getting mad at me for infecting them.
I like my women like I like my steaks bloody and full of knives
What's the difference between jam and jelly I can't jelly my dick in your mom's ass
I like my women like I like my coffee Not tasting something gritty and hairy when slurping.
They're restoring Auschwitz to its past condition. My first question is how soon they will have it operating.
I walked upto my black cop friend and said "I always wanted to be a clack man, would you help me?" He said sure... and put my hands up where he can see them.
Mike: I'm really glad I wasn't born in France. Jim: Why? Mike: I can't speak French.
I am 48 and my wife is 8 months pregnant. am i too old to be a dad?
How did Donald Trump convince Mike Pence to be his Vice President? He told him the job would be worth as much as a warm bucket of piss. Then, he showed him a video.
Why didn't the shrimp share his food?? He was a little shellfish
Whats the difference between an anal thermometer and an oral thermometer? The taste
What are twins favorite fruits? Pears
The more you know, the more you don't know. What constitutes terrorism
Mountain ranges aren't funny They're hill areas.
What did the ocean said to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
Trump: "Hows that Mexican mall going?" "Mall? We thought you said wall" Trump: "No way that's harsh, also hows that Muslim band looking?"
You think 7 years is bad luck for breaking a mirror??? Try breaking a condom
I have Yogg-Saron as a psychiatrist.... I don't think he's good, whenever I walk in to his room, I feel like I'm getting more insane by the minute.
Why Do Scottish people wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper go down a mile away.
What is a Freudian slip? It's when you say one thing but fuck your mother
My friend did some graffiti with me He just tagged along.
There was a kidnapping at my school He woke up.
I have big feet... It runs in the family
Why did Hitler prefer pajamas more than suits Cause they are more kampfy
I was going to make a joke about sodium but then I thought Na.
*Challenger anniversary* joke: What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband before they left the house? You feed the cats, I'll feed the fish. The "too soon?" Joke from 30 years ago.
What's the difference between the Harriet Tubman and the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Harriet Tubman was a heroine to the slaves; the Red Hot Chili Peppers are slaves to the heroin!
Why do moths fly with their legs apart? Have you ever seen the size of moth balls?
"Dad, why couldn't the doctors save grandpa's life? "Doesn't matter son, he would have suffocated in the coffin"
Donald Trump's family bought him a Gandalf the Grey costume for his birthday. Unfortunately, this wasn't the sort of Grand Wizard outfit he had in mind...
Trump decided to make some music with his old clarinet... he called it "Alternative Rock."
How about that train food? It's off the rails
Who was the roundest knight at the Round Table? Sir Cumference
Not saying there is a direct correlation between Trump's election... But the Chinese did say this would be the year of the Cock ages ago!
I like my women how I like my coffee. Without a penis
Women are like Christmas gifts... They lose value after 25.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
I have a Taiwanese friend who is is incredibly rude and bossy He has a strong Taipei personality
What does the next election and hindsight have in common? They both 2020
A man sits at a bar crying The barkeeper asks him: "Why are you crying?" He answers:"My wife and I had an argue and she said she won't talk to me again for a whole year." "That's terrible", the barkeeper replied. The Man:"Worse, the year is over today!"
Sometimes I do things to children that they're too young to understand... ...such as teaching them calculus and microbiology.
Donald Trumps hands are not that small Any hands would look small on such a massive cunt
Man didn't invent the wheel It invented itself after seeing Chuck Norris.
An English speaker, a French speaker, a Spanish speaker, and a German speaker are in a park... ... when a man stands up on a table in front of them and asks if they can see him. They all nod and say: "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One. We are efficient and don't have humor.
There are two types of people in this world Those who can extrapolate information based off of the given context
What are jews best known for? Prophets.
What do you call a Muslim on a plane? Soon to be detained for flying home to his family in Houston after a business trip.
Good thing I don't see any political posts on my news feed In fact, my Myspace friends haven't really posted much since 2010.
I asked santacraus for everything in the world found my sock inside out
Trump was stunned when he first laid eyes on Melania. Slowly he approached. He smiled and said "I must order this one" as he picked up the catalogue from the table.
What do you call money earmarked for use when the terrorist threat is high? Orange aid.
I was banned from the Middle East, so this is what I did... Iran
What's the difference between a woman and a computer? You can actually punch information into a computer
White House Update: Dick Cheney extends hunting invitation to Trump Nope. Sorry. Just kidding. Edit: buncha scrubs keep downvoting my hilarious joke.
Political opinions are like assholes If yours shows up in my Facebook feed I will probably block you
How can you tell male from female ants? Throw them in a bucket of water; if it floats, it's buoyant.
Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad... I think its time for USB.
An invisible man and an invisible woman got married. Their kids were nothing to look at either.
Classic Why don't blind people like to go skydiving? Because it scares the dogs!
How do you know it's spring in Israel? There's a Rosenbloom on every block!
It's been a week since my wife went missing. The police told me to expect the worst. So I took her things back out of the garbage bin.
What do you tell your wife if she has two black eyes? Nothing. You already told her twice.
Why are pharmaceutical chemists considered such studs? They're able to make a fun-gal cream.
Did you hear about the compulsive gambler with diarrhea? Well, he lost.
What is Harry Potter's philosophy on relationships... Hit it and quidditch.
No matter how popular they get.. ... antibiotics are never going viral.
What is Donald Trump's favorite California city? Banning
What is it called when a black person wears whiteface? Going incognegro.
What kind of meat does a priest eat on Friday? Nun.
I got a job assisting a fledgling orchestra with their day to day activities and helping to organize upcoming shows... My official title is Band Aide. (I thought of this in the shower, so it's definitely not funny)
Hey gurl, you banned from America yet? Cause dat' ass is out of this world... and therefore unamerican and cannot be trusted.
My wife wanted me to whisper dirty things in her ear... So I leaned forward and said: "dishes, bathroom and laundry."
Love, I'm pregnant, what would you like it to be? A joke.
What did the Republicans have to say about the latest edition of Democratic nonsense ? Nothing... They were busy at work.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate... And I can picture us invading that world because they'd never see it coming.
What do gay people eat for breakfast? An all you can eat puffÈt
I love being excluded from things Should have got a green card
My SO gives great handjobs And I'm not saying that because I'm a narcissist
What's the difference between a fruit and a nut? I don't fruit all over your mother's tits.
Told this girl to text me when she got home ... I think she's homeless
Did you hear about the collision between the cement truck and the septic pump truck? There was some pretty hard shit in the road.
It's been revealed that President Donald Trump has "Batmophobia", otherwise known as a "chronic fear slopes" Now I understand why he was keen to dodge the draft.
There I was, eating cornflakes and milk out of the bowl... when my dad came in, shook his head and pulled the handle to flush them away.
John Hurt? Nope, John Dead.
I thought I'd only need to make one more joke about 2016 not being over But this one really Hurt
I like first aid classes its the only time I get to be touched by a caring human.
Arkansas Redneck Sex Two rednecks are chugging beers in a Little Rock bar. One sheepishly asks the other, "So, do you ever cry when you have sex with a new woman?" The other says, "All the time. It's the pepper spray".
Rob thank God you picked up! Hey remember when you said if a needed a place to crash i cou- hold on ****to copilot**** STOP CRYING ROB WILL HELP!
I know that I have an attitude problem But I just don't care
Why can't Jesus play hockey? He keeps getting NAILED TO THE BOARDS!...
What's the difference between Scientology and Donald Trump? Scientology has better celebrities.
LeBron James laughs at all the countries banning people from entering Because he has traveling immunity.
Women are like boners Ignore them and they will go away. Beat them and they too will get away
TIL that the first condoms were made of fish intestines. So people had the guts to do it.
What's the difference between people who voted for Trump, and those that didn't? On average, about $30,000 in student debt.
I like my women like I like my golf score Mid-eighties and with slight handicap.
You know those slices of American cheese you get from the supermarket? You're not going to be able to buy those anymore. Since Trump is going to make America grate again, apparently.
Something happened at a friend's work A relative of mine works at a toy distribution center. They specialize in talking dolls. They recently received a Muslim one, but nobody knows what it says because they're all afraid to pull the cord.
The good news First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
A toast! Had to throw away my toaster because it kept burning my toast. I guess you could say I'm black toast intolerant.
I can't believe that Trump is banning Muslims from the U.S. Like, Syria-sly America?
One of America's Longest Running Gags... Trickle-down Economics
Never trust stairs, They're always up to something.
Why is it awful to be an egg? You only get laid once, it takes three minutes to get hard, and you come in a box with eleven others.
What's long and hard and is full of seamen? Naval college
The demolition workers performed at the workers event last night. Heard they brought down the house with their act.
What do the alt-right call day? Alt-night
"Whenever one door closes, another opens." "Wow, you must be very optimistic about life." "No, I live in a haunted house."
My friends are baffled that I gave up the single life for my European wife and wonder why I don't chase girls anymore. It's because she keeps me in Czech.
What's harder than rocket science? My dick.
What do you call a tree with no leaves? Bark Naked.
What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband right before she got on the Challenger Shuttle? Honey you feed the dog I'll feed the fish.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile.
Cats and Dogs Did you know cats are smarter than dogs? Dogs can't take x-rays, but cats can.
A Pervert, A Con Artist and a Fascist walk into a bar... ..The Bartender Says, "What'll it be Mr. President Trump?"
Puns plz Someone throw shit out there for me to make puns with. A topic, or whatever, and I'll do my best. Anyone else can join in too.
There are 10 types of people in this world... The ones who understand binary, and the ones who get laid.
Do you want to celebrate!? It's the year of the cock.
What do you call an Irish gangster that all living systems strive for? (X /r/ScienceJokes) Homie O'Stasis.
What do you call a secret society of beef trying to take over the world? The Meat Cabal
Two penguins are driving in a car ... The driver says: "hey could you change the radio station?" And the other one says: "No radio?" "Four wheels!"
When Trump got elected... The Mexicans hispanicked and freaked out.
Knock knock... Who's there? "Good afternoon sir! If we could jus have a moment of your time, we'd like to talk to you about the church of Scientology"
A giraffe is at the airport going through the TSA line ... And the security agent says: "hey, is the your laptop?" And the giraffe says: "I thought you'd never ask"
Which is the saltiest fish? Tuna
I went to the local buy and sell to see if there were any cool old jack in the boxes. But nothing jumped out at me.
What do you put on Mongolian Beef? Tatar Sauce.
How do you tell if a girl is ticklish? You give her two test tickles I will see myself out. Thank you and have a good day
Is that a booger in your nose? No, it's snot.
I was playing some dubstep and when the beat dropped... My deaf friend said to turn the volume down.
TIL that 1/100 people have undiagnosed dyslexia Whoops, wrong bus.
Former presidential candidate Senator Sanders falls ill. What do you call him? A sick Bern.
I heard this really funny joke about procastination I'll post it later
I had an Germany born English teacher in high school. If you know what I mean.
My grandfather died in a concentration camp It was terrible, he got drunk one night and fell off a guard tower.
A relative of mine works at a toy distribution center. They specialize in talking dolls. They recently received a Muslim one, but nobody knows what it says because they're all afraid to pull the cord.
How does clickbait work? Just grab this electrical cable. Then what happens? WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL SHOCK YOU!!!!!
If people had to pay rolling pins, They'd be rollin' in the dough.
What makes crop circles? A protractor.
How do you know if someone's a pilot? because they'll fucking tell you.
Why did the unicycle win the race? Because the bicycle was two tired.
I like my women how I like my computer. On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? Mortgage freeman.
I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he's had. He started counting and fell asleep.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery. That's it...
Personally I think Trumps a Genius, How do you beat China? Hit them hard by one upping them with a Wall
My friend said he didn't mind homosexuality, just didn't like it in his bedroom. I asked, "have you tried the kitchen?"
What do you get when you combine north beach and south beach? Sum of beaches.
A boy goes to his parents to tell them something "Mom, Dad. I'm gay." His father then turns to him and says "Hi Gay, I'm 100 Dollars Richer!", while recieving money from the mom.
A tour guide stabs a customer to a bloody mess. She wanted to be tored.
My nervous system is so narcissistic. It only thinks about itself.
Why did the Snowman pull his pants down? Because the snowblower was coming.
Wife says to her Accountant husband Wife: what is inflation? Husband: Earlier you were 36-24-36. But now you are 48-40-48. Though you have everything bigger than before, your value has become less than before. This is INFLATION
My wife just left me because I spent our life savings on a penis enlargement... She couldn't take it any longer
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've tripping all day.
I hear Donald Trump wants every welfare recipient to take a drug test... I don't even what to know what he's planning to do with all those urine samples.
There are two men on the opposite sides of the world, One is on a tightrope walking between two buildings 90 stories high. The other is getting a blowjob from a 90 year old woman. They both have exactly the same thought..........Don't look down.
I love everything about Motorbikes But sometimes they just make me two-tyred.
What does a gay horse eat? heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.". I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!
Knock Knock Knock Knock Who's there? Europe Europe who? No you're a poo!
Why did Nixon have a reputation for not being punctual? He is, after all, the late Richard Nixon.
What do you call a projectile that is very good at finding friends? A homie missile.
What has 99 legs and one tooth? The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
Why is Harry Potter better than Jews? He made it out of the chamber.
Some people say Pokemon is for little kids. It isnt and if you bully me I'm telling my mommy.
People compare Trump and hitler all the time, but there is one major difference. Hitler was good at making speeches
Are there any prostitutes you can hire just to talk to you??? Apparently they are called therapist.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time Sir Lancelot
What did jesus say to his dad.. Who died and made you god?
How does the sous chef set a baby on fire? FlambÈby
I don't like rape jokes. They're always so forced.
Some mornings I wake up bitchy... Other mornings I let her sleep.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today. I should have cooked it at Aloha temperature.
What do you call a sick eagle that just flew in from out of the country? an ill-eagle immigrant
When a neo-nazi plays jazz, what time signature do they use? 14/88.
Son: Dad, I'm hungry Son: Dad, I'm hungry Dad: Okay, I'll go to the store It has been 12 years. He still hasn't come back.
Did you know there's a French man who was named after a saint, and is now widely known for dabbing and whipping so hard, he actually ends up breaking his arms? His name is PËre Fouethard.
NY Times said Gen Xers spend the most amount of time on the internet. Data were collected by survey monkey, analyzed by baby boomers and written up by the millennial intern.
My daughter wanted a Disney Princess birthday party& &so I made all her friends come over and clean my house.
My wife said she'd leave me if I spend any more time on the internet. Bet closed.
It doesnt matter how popular apple is... everyone has Windows.
What do you call a vegetarian that eats seafood? An omnivore
Why is Aisha a world renowned penetration tester? Because muhammad taught her from a very young age.
Cheating I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
How do you get a nun pregnant? You dress her up as an altar boy..
Guitar teacher joke One of my guitar students wants me to teach him Wonderwall, I said maybe
How many noses did the guy with the best sense of smell have? Two noses? No, one nose.
What is Marie le Pen's favourite nuts? Catchjews
The best thing about having an STD... you get to share it with people who don't.
I finally found an onramp for the road to success!!!! It was closed for construction.
A German and a Swiss are arguing about who's country is better... The German, clearly annoyed, asks the Swiss "So what's so great about Switzerland?" The Swiss shrugs, simply saying. "Well, the flag is a big plus."
What do you call 69-ing in China? Tu Can Chu
Went to the Indian bakery today and asked for some bread They said they had naan
Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety pills? To prevent Hispanic attacks
How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan
What do you call a fear of deadly snakes? Common sense.
What is the perfect name for an Indian butler? Mahatma Coat
What is Donald Trump's least favorite '80s band? Foreigner
What is Batman's least favorite videogame? Injustice
Husband: "Babe, I just won the lottery! Pack a bag!" Wife: "Oh my goodness -- This is amazing! Where are we going?! What do I pack?!" Husand: "I don't care. Just pack and get the fuck out!"
I was so embarrassed when I got an erection during a prostate exam. Especially when they found out I'm not even a doctor.
Mexico should be happy about Trump building the Wall... The GDR payed 400 Million Mark to get their "wall against facism".
How do you wake Lady Gaga? Pokerface
Mexicans are shocked about Trump's wall But they'll get over it
Have you heard of the Ancient Greek hero Bophades? He was a lot like Achilles, he had just one weakness. Except instead of his heel it was his groin. You may have heard of "Achilles heel", but have you heard of "Bophades' nuts"?
People always tell me not to piss in the shower... ...but you know, it's difficult not to when you're taking a shit
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge "This is not working I'm going to my mum's house." So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold. - What the hell did she mean?
Three words to ruin a man's ego. "Is it in?"
Rick Astley told me that you could borrow any of his Disney movies, except Up He's never gonna give you Up...
What do fake news sites and porn subreddits have in common? No source.
I was having a piss in a war zone. Probably wasn't the best time for one of my fellow soldiers to yell, "Cover me!"
I said to her: "Two more inches and I'd be a king" "Two inches less and you'd be a queen", she replied.
What did the Rabbi and the Mexican say to each other at the Trump rally? Jew! EsÈ!
At the IRS audit IRS: According to your tax return you claim got money for nothin' & checks for free. Taxpayer: Am I in trouble for that? IRS: We'd say you're in dire straits.
What do you call 5 people sitting In two rows? Tetris
I Work At Sears And Some Black Guys Came In Asking For Polyester Pants It's weird because they usually pick cotton.
A mechanical engineers wife comes out of delivery. She texts him She texts him : "your new vehicle has been launched". He replies : " is it with gear stick or automatic?"
I brought a pet iguana home from the pet store... I think there's something wrong with him because he's very lethargic and I can't get him up. It must be a reptile dysfunction.
What is grey and comes in pints? An elephant!
Sumo wrestlers have to make sure their legs are always shaven So people don't confuse them with feminists
There are two types of people in this world, Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.
What does this joke have in common with Madeline McCann? They both never get old.
RIP Boiling water You'll be mist.
What does the Boar say to the Pig? "I'm a furry"
[True story] I asked a filipino for the time.. He replied: "It's por pipty pive"
Where do you find arrows? At a Target
What do you call a kitten who accidentally eat all your pills? A Caterpillar
The Bollywood version of the Dr Jekyll story is more childish. Hyde and Sikh.
I accidentally poked my girlfriend in the eye while she was sleeping. She didn't even see it cumming
What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ
I found the city in which cheese was first produced! It's from Age!
Donald Trump doesn't want to have sex with his daughter He just has "alternative family values"
Everyone seems to think that Trump's new wall is offensive... but I just think it's more wallish.
I always give 110% Which is why my cum is considered the creamiest substance known to man.
What language does a dozen speak? Twelveish
Stalin's political career didn't really take off, until he played the trump card -Seize the means of reproduction!
"One mans trash is another mans treasure" Is a good quote... But apparently its not the best way to tell your kid he's adopted.
It is always a blessing to have more bishops ? ? it makes the church more accessible to children *ahem* people
What does a dyslexic,agnostic and insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night thinking if there really is a dog
Poor Russians A Russian woman walked into an empty Moscow shop. "I see you have no vegetables today" "No," said the shopkeeper, "this is a butcher shop. It's meat we haven't got. The shop with no vegetables is further down the street."
What's worse than 8 babies in 1 dustbin?.. 1 baby in 8 dustbins
What do Eric Clapton and Donald Trump have in common? They were both jealous of the size of a black man's crowd.
What has six eyes, four wings and eight legs? Two chickens and a goat.
A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket... Suddenly she realises that some asshole has her pen.
How many babies would it take to paint your house red? Well, that depends on how hard you throw them.
You know, those people who insult Obama and the Clintons.. really need to stop beating around the Bush.
What Came First... The chicken Or the furry?
God made each and every one of us until he got to China. Copy paste...copy paste...
Bikes Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired
What is a gay dinosaur called? Nsfw Megasorass
What did the pilot say to the Vietnamese mechanic underneath the plane? " "You are the Nguyen beneath my wings"
What do you call a cold lesbian? A klondyke.
My neighbours listen to good music Whether they want to or not
How can a woman make you a millionaire? When you marry her as a billionaire.
Playing guitar at parties Playing guitar at parties is all good and fun until someone tries to finger A minor.
Bill Clinton is not a rapist. He just likes to "feel your pain".
How is a reposted joke like a novice chef's pot roast? It's way overdone.
One good thing about graduation is that you get to wear a funny hat that makes your brain look larger than it actually is.
Did you know you can break your nose if you squint hard enough? I did it on the bus today and some Asian guy punched me in the face!
What do I do when the Tiger breaks out of its enclosure and bites me? ISUZU
I loved John Hurt so much... that I'm not even going to make the joke that my heart John Hurts right now. Even though it would make me feel better.
What's a joke's favorite kind of music? *pun*k rock
"Did it hurt?" "Did what hurt?" "When you fell from heaven and landed on an ugly tree and hit every branch?"
So God and the Devil are sitting next to each other on a bench. The Devil reaches over and strangles God, pointing out humanity as proof of God's fallibility.
What do you call nudes from the 90s hot mail
Mom I forgot. Am I special or unique? No son. You're retarded.
If the bread during the sacrament represents Jesus' body... ...why don't we nail the bread to the table?
What do you get when a ghost takes a crap? Rectoplasm.
A man calls a doctor Man to Doctor : Help, my friend has fallen dead! Doctor: First of all, make sure he's really dead *sound of a gunshot* Man: Ok, what do I do now?
Chuck Norris threw an impact grenade and killed one hundred people. Then the grenade blew up.
What do you do if your girlfriend is choking ? Back up a few inches
Did you hear about the two gay judges? They tried each other.
Why do terrorists in Antarctica love being interrogated? Snow boarding is fun as hell.
What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
I've been single for a while now and I'm staring to realize something. They blur out A lot of Asian porn.
2016 had many celebrity deaths.. ..but 2017 will Hurt the most. :(
What's the difference between a psychologist and a dentist? One treats mental disorders... and the other treats dental mis-orders.
How do you make seven even? Take the s off.
Here is my period story Period. End of story.
What starts with "F" and ends with "UCK"? "Firetruck" ...What were you thinking? What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN"? "Popcorn" ..What were you thinking?
What do you call it when two well endowed astrophysicists have a gay sword fight? A Large Hardon Collider.
Daughter's Dance Class Apparently, it's not acceptable to ask a mom if her daughter's dance class has horizontal or vertical brass poles.
Do you guys know what love is? Love is when your heart melts and comes out the tip of your penis
You know why Trump fans are called Trumpettes? You only have to learn how to press three buttons, and then you can play 'em all day.
Why are there no headache tablets in the jungle? Because the parrots-eat-em-all
What is a womans favorite game? Pool (billiards)... It's the only one with a kitchen!!!
How do you tell a boy tree from a girl tree? Boy trees have woodpeckers.
I bought a pack of pencils and one was unsharpened. I thought it was pretty pointless
I bought a new black router today... I think I'm gonna name it Martin Router King
Kid: why is my cousin named Diamond? Mother: because your auntie really loves diamonds Kid: well what about my name? Mother: never mind about that Richard.
I almost had to go the hospital today because a stranger threw a can of Pepsi at me... I'm just glad it was a soft drink. Otherwise, I would have had to get surgery.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall? Art.
I once quit drinking, smoking and having sex with random women... ...these were the two most horrible minutes of my life!
Which President had the shortest term? Grover Cleveland. He was the twenty second President.
I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist
There are three kinds of people in this world Those that can count and those that cannot
I don't get the fuss over Trump's "alternative facts" He's just alt-right.
What do you call a chocolate maker who has a dick dad? Will-Ivanka
TIFU By forgetting my wife was allergic to seafood when I got her supper from Subway Woops, wrong Sub.
What's the similarity between a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist? They both work with crust.
What do you call a starship captain who empties space septic tanks? William Shartner.
What's the difference between a woman in a bathtub and a woman in a church? The woman in church has hope in her soul.
In all fairness, Trump can't release his tax returns At least not until Putin sends him his W2s.
The only difference between Hitler and Stalin... is that I know who Hitler is. Credit- Community
I said hello to a feminist... my court trial is tomorrow
Alcohol is nothing but poison But I drink because there are just things inside of me that need to die.
What do you call a sumo wrestler's gaze? The thousand lard stare
Why are Teen aged boys so good at fishing? Because they're Master Baiters.
How do gay nerds say goodbye on friday? Have a nice geekend!
When a woman tels you it's five minutes, then it's five minutes. Don't need to ask her every quarter of an hour.
What do you call a smelly fellow that makes bad jokes? Pungent
A man walks down a street with his dog Stranger: hey that's a nice dog Man: yes but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down Stranger: ah how sad, why so? Man: he's fucking heavy
What did the Middle Eastern sheepherder say when he was asked what animal he was herding Islam
Getting a prostate exam doesn't make you gay... Unless you spend all day studying for it.
What's a pirates least favorite letter? Dear sir, Your internet service has been disconnected due to terms of service violations and excessive downloading. Please return modem and accessories to your nearest Comcast location. Sincerely, Comcast
A book fell on my head a moment ago... I can only blame my shelf.
My colleagues call me the pussy slayer... I'm in charge of euthanising cats at the kennel.
How come newspapers make so much money? Because they make money off Paper Views
The March for Life is all fine and well..... But why are we forgetting the January and February for Life?
Donald Trump impression I showed my gf my Donald Trump impression and she hated it. She got the last laugh though, turns out its the wrong time of the month to grab her by the pussy.
What do Blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common? They both swallow a lot of Seamen
What does u/sername do at a grocery store? Username checks out
You know what grinds a Germans gear? Nothing, they are too well engineered. Edit: Spelling
Now that Donald Trump is actually building the wall, I hear Mexicans are depressed I'm sure they'll soon get over it
Do you know why a gun is better than a wife? You can put a silencer on a gun.
Why does trump wear a tie? If he takes it off, the foreskin flies up over his head.
What is a Germans favorite letter? I don't know but it's Nazi.
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids
What's the most popular sport in northern Spain? Basquetball
Guess what! Chicken butt!
Did you hear about the pizza palor owner who got busted for child porn? He was a real pizza shit
One thing our presidents have never owned. a vagina.
What was Hitler's favorite color to use when painting? Aryan white.
A guy says to God: "God... ... to you a minute is like a million years and a penny is like a million dollars. So, could you give me a penny?" God replies "Sure, in a minute"
I asked a Chinese girl for her number... She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex Tonight! I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629"
What do you call a synthesizer-guitar that's out of tune? A Synthaxe error!!!
What does a tight pair of pants and a cheap motel have in common? No ballroom.
I'm giving up alcohol for a month. Wait, that came out wrong. I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Did you hear the one about the german sausage?... ....just as well, it was the wurst.
What do you call the person who graduated last in their class from medical school? Doctor
A kaddish is a hymn of praises to God found in a Jewish prayer service. What is its Muslim equivalent? A kaboom!
What's a terrorist's favourite melee weapon? A boomerang.
If a dove represents peace which bird represents true love? The swallow.
Girlfriend cheated. Never playing Texas Hold 'Em with her ass again.
I'm actually reasonably happy with Trump's presidency right now..... after all, he's had the nuclear codes for a couple of days now and hasn't tweeted them yet.
How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
I recently wrote a book about Poltergeists... I'm pleased to say they're flying off the shelves.
Why do ants not go to church? Because they are in sects!
Left my wife because of another woman.... Her mother !!!
Do the french like roller coasters? Weee weee
So you think your dad is an alcoholic? You should see my liquor cabinet!! Haha...ha... Its empty. I need help.
Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs? Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.
To whomever stole my copy of Microsoft Word... I will find you. You have my Word.
TIL that my neighbors really like the metal song i'm playing on my 7.1 sound system I figured because he thrown a brick at my window to hear it betterˇ ! \m/
I always thought that the brain was the most important organ Now that I think about it, what's telling me that?
Did you know that Donald Trump actually has a beautiful full head of hair? It's an alternative fact!
The best thing about having a penis... is sharing it with people who don't.
What do you call a robotic contraceptive? Intelligent Protection Neutralizer for Girls, otherwise known as I P N Girls
When I heard that my toaster wasn't water resistant... I was shocked!!
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
My dyslexic friend sobbed uncontrollably as he confessed that he kept spelling his own name backwards I really do feel for Bob.
How did the deaf teacher give his deaf students their homework instructions? He assigned it
Have you ever had Ethiopian food? Neither have they
What does Hillary do when she loses a game of CS:GO? She blames the Russians.
What does a robot do during sex? He nuts and bolts!
I was sitting in traffic today and I got run over.
Trump hates saying "yes" to Mexicans so much We may as well call him the "Not Si" President
I really like Trump and his policies. But I also would really like to see the end of the world.
Did you hear about the malfunctioning register at the liquor store? Everything's coming up rosÈ's
What's black and doesn't work? Decaf coffee you racist fuck.
Why did the English teacher propose to Webster? She wanted to Merriam.
Are we having chicken tonight? OK, well keep me abreast of that.
It must be very confusing to have sex with William Shatner. You never know if he loves it or hates it. No, don't, stop.
I found out I can't cross the border while wearing a long sleeve shirt... Apparently, you aren't allowed to carry concealed weapons across the border.
My doctor says I need to avoid trans fats I'm really going to miss Tumblr
Jesus tried to solve a Rubik's cube He died on the cross.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays. I know, I know... even I'm ashamed of myself for posting this!
If a religious person testifies in court... ...does that mean they're a Jehovah Witness?
Reddit censorship is getting out of hand [removed]
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!
Whats the difference between a feminist and a bomb vest? A bomb vest does something when triggered.
What's Boba Fett's favorite magazine? Sarlacc Digest.
I hate eating vegetables... The wheelchair is always getting in the way
Did you hear about that psychic dwarf that escaped from prison? They're a small medium at large
Why does Eminem serve weak coffee? You only get one shot.
A student walks up to their teacher. Student: "Teacher, would you ever get mad at me for something I didn't do?" Teacher: "Of course not! why?" Student: "Because I didn't do my homework"
Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?" *Mom:* "I told you not to call me mom in public."
Girlfriend told me to f*ck her like a man So I put it in her ass and called her Jeff
I support equal rights Equal rights = Equal fights
What's the difference between a thief and a pervert? A thief ~~steals~~ snatches your watch, a pervert watches your snatch. EDIT: I've done fucked it up.
What is a seals favorite tool to use? A club as it seals the deal.
Why do Hunters make the best lovers? They go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and eat what they shoot at.
How can you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tits a lot. (What number is this old joke?)
A 3.14 meter long snake ! What do you call a 3.14 meter long snake ? - a "Py"thon What do you call a 43 kilometre long snake ? - a marathon !
What do you call three Mexicans that jumped the border? Trespassers
Two wrongs don't make a right But two wrights make an airplane
What's the difference between a grocery store and my crush? I can get a date from the grocery store.
To whom was Shia LaBeouf chanting "*He will not divide us*" after he got arrested yesterday? His buttcheeks.
Why do women fake orgasms ? Because they think we care. :P
Your mother is a 10 On the Richter scale When she walks
Why couldn't the iguana get it up? He had a reptile dysfunction.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
In the year 2040 Barron Trump runs for president of USA His platform: THE DOME.
What did the Buddhist monk say when he approached the hotdog stand? Make me one with everything.
What is the definition of relative humidity? When the sweat from your balls runs down the crack of your sisters ass ...
I started investing in Egyptian tourism Until I realized it was just a pyramid scheme
Forget everything you learned in college... 'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
Donald Trumps is not a thief! He makes alternative purchases
What's the opposite of progress? The president.
Do vaginas have taste buds? Why else would they make flavored condoms?
What does a gospel singer say to clear his/her throat? a hymn
Why is the French Revolution just like Prohibition? They both got rid of Bourbon!
Muslim book store in New York: A man asks if they have the latest Donald Trump book on immigration. "Fuck off, get out and don't come back" says the store owner. "That's the one!" says the man
What kind of fish is made of two Sodium atoms 2 Na
The French are debating leaving the E.U. Just like them to run when things get bad.
How do Reavers clean their harpoons? They put them through the Wash.
I judge Usain Bolt based on his race All of his races, actually.
I saw an iPhone store get robbed... I guess now I'm an iWitness.
Why do a German soldier's hands never get cold? Because they've gott mit-uns
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!
Women are like parking spaces... The best ones are usually taken, so when no one is looking, stick it in the disabled one.
Do you know what grinds my gears? Do you know what grinds my gears? I have to read the aforementioned title twice for most jokes.
I told my American friend the truth about living in North Korea... and now I'm typing this message from a Coffin.
What is the least subtle way to intimate that you are interested in coital relations? Thrust and say: I am in... Wink and say: to mate.
Three jews walk into a bar I lied, it was a gas chamber
Once this whole "global warming thing" melts the ice caps We're gonna have a canoe world order.
Why did the car enthusiast have trouble getting a BMW tattoo on his belly? Because he had an Audi
What's the best part about living in a black family? You never have to hear a dad joke. Edit. Just thought of this at work one day hope it's not a repost
I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms.' He said, 'Just a minute.' And I said, 'Yep, that's my brand.'
Photographers are so violent. They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.
People at work say i'm unnecessarily rude ... but i say fuck those cunts.
Why did the rooster cross the road? To get to the other year.
What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb? Two: one to change the light bulb, and another to hold the ladder. Safety is important, you racist fuck.
"So what kind of work do you do?" "I move cows" "Oh , so you're a rancher?" "Not really , I'm a zumba instructor"
On her deathbed my wife said, "Sweety, I will see you in Heaven." Since then I have kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage.!
What's worse than a girl falling asleep during sex? A girl waking up during sex.
Girls always tell me that I have the body of and greek god ...At least when it comes to the dick.
Just went to Taco Bell Got 6 tacos and a drink, the bill was $6,823.54
Did you hear about the houses that fell in love? They had a lawn-distance relationship.
Couples, the key to keeping your bedroom fresh Febreze.
How many cops does it take to change a bedroom light bulb? None, they just beat the room for being black
What do Australians and wetting yourself in the basement have in common? They're both incontinence down under.
Why did the bacteriologist quit her job? She hated being microbe-managed.
So my girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So I put her in a castle and sent some Italian plummer to find her.
Why did they decide to call a correctional facility a penitentiary? Because calling it penetrationary would've ruined the surprise.
My girlfriend treats me like a god She ignores me till she wants to ask for something
Let's see Trump try to ban Muslims from entering the US We'll just make them in our bathtubs like we did during the prohibition!
What do Trump and Palpatine have in common? They both took power from a black man.
Our school should start a calculus club We would all derive fun from it
What's the difference between illegal and unlawful? One is against the law, the other is a sick bird. Thanks folks, tip your waitresses I'll be here all day!
What's a neckbeards favorite linux os? Fedora (cricket cricket)
What do an uncircumcised penis and the kkk have in common? They're both pricks in oversized hoods.
Why did the clock break? Because it was ticked.
What's the difference between a paedophile and a roller coaster? You have to be a over 5ft to ride a roller coaster
I just realized why so many car accidents happen in Russia. They're always Russian around.
What do you call a agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac? A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
What happened to the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder.
You can't make fun of reposted jokes Because they are older than your grandpa and deserve some respect.
What kind of music do people with small penises play? D minor
Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water, Who knows what they did up there, They came down with a daughter. Edit: the -> they
Yo momma so fat... ...NASA has to calculate her into every launch.
Donald Trump is not a rapist. He's an "alternative romantic."
The author of the Harry Potter books was trying so hard to be funny. But it wasn't funny to me. J.K. I was Rowling
*Interviewing for waiter position* I feel like I bring a lot to the table
How do you keep Trump busy for the rest of his term? Tell him his twitter phone is in the corner of his office.
What do you call equine prostitute with sore throats? Hoarse horse whores
What do my wife and my math teacher have in common? They both love to create problems that I am apparently supposed to solve.
What's the Difference between a Girl and a Woman? Prison
I read a sign outside my local primary school saying: "Slow children playing." I thought, fucking hell that can't do much for their self-esteem, but then I realised that they probably won't be able to read it.
Did you hear about that guy who got run over by a steam train? He was chuffed to bits
How are condoms like cameras? They capture your special moments.
My girlfriend's dog is starting to act like just like my girlfriend Like she hates it when I cum on her face
Why was the calendar nervous? His days were numbered
Today my dad asked what I was talking to "My imaginary friend" "Oh what's their name?" "Womens rights"