corrade-lsl-templates – Rev 15
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A tranny, Mushit and a black guy are in a burning building and I can only save one of them You kidding me? Why would I risk my life to do that?
I saw a girl with 12 nipples the other day.. Sounds funny, Dozen tit?
What's a lawyers least favourite PC case. An open case.
Republicans love black people! They send millions of them to a place where they get a free room, free rent and a gym membership
What does a priest and a silver medalist have in common? They both came in a little behind.
What's Jackie Chan's favorite type of car? KIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAA!
A nerd joke. Me: look at my graphics card Other person: what's the clock speed Me: it's so high it hertz
Why was Hillary Clinton's ass jealous? All the shit was coming from her mouth.
Clown walks into a bar... Clown walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a treehouse." Bartender says, "A treehouse, what's in a treehouse?" Clown says, "Playboys and cigars, of course!"
The only difference between group sex and group therapy... is that in group therapy you hear about everyone's problems, and in group sex you see them.
I asked my friend who is an American diplomat how life was He said he can't complain
After crossing which line in Siberia, can you no longer escape it? The evenk horizon
When all else fails... ...make All Else 2.
TIL there are 189 countries NOT affected by President Trumps Extreme Vetting Executive Order. I guess 7 isn't that bad.
How do you know a dog is better than a wife? Lock them both in the trunk of your car and see who is happier to see you after an hour when you let them out.
Yesterday my wife told me I was a selfish lover. I was so shocked I nearly choked on my own cock.
From the South, but Not Southern People: You're from the south? But you don't have an accent. Me: I know, my parents put me in school.
I misheard the Muslim ban as Muslim band I thought either Donald Trump is really into percussion or I've misunderstood.
There's a new antidepressant on the market for lesbians. Trycoxagin
How do you get a nun pregnant? You fuck her.
What did the doctor say to the midget waiting in the lobby? You're going to have to be a little patient.
Breitbart news is a lot like my girlfriend Fake.
Once I heard a man talking about a cul-de-sac. Turns out he was an Italian with an STD.
Betsy DeVos wants to eliminate trigonometry from school math curricula because it teaches our children to sin
According to a recent survey, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy.
What I hate most about this subreddit: What I hate most about this subreddit: When the first line is the title.
Never tell me friction jokes... I just won't let them slide.
What did the bottle say to the glass after a long night? Nothing, they were both shattered.
I just don't get why so many Trump supporters are into BBW? Seriously though. His supporters even love that big beautiful Jewish one in Israel.
How many "Suh Dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. It's already lit fam
Why was the mushroom invited to the party? Because he's a fungi. Why was he asked to leave the party? Because there wasn't mushroom.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye... but I dumped her because I could never hit the target. Like the carnival game of getting the water in the clowns mouth.
Why is the psychic so confident about the predictions she makes for 3 years out? Because she can see what is going to happen in 2020 crystal clear.
People told me the blind people's convention was great. I'm not really seeing it.
My shelf has been making weird clicking noises since I bought it it might be a Geiger counter
A fat Hawaiian man recently converted to Islam Aloha Snack-bar
A judge was arrested after ordering a group of crows confined to an insane asylum. What for? Committing a murder.
A young couple are showering together A young couple are showering when the girlfriend says, "Honey I want you to do something naughty." The boyfriend agrees. He then proceeds to drop shampoo in her left eye.
A skeleton walks into a bar... ...he orders a beer and a mop.
What was the cat amputee's reaction to her successful transplant? It gave her pause
What do you call an Arab man without any goats? A virgin.
A Vegan goes into a Mcdonalds and says 'I'm hungry but I can't eat anything with a face' The manager comes over. "Sir, by the time we serve your food it hasn't GOT a face".
What is a hispanics favorite arcade game? Guac-a-mole.
Why did the Death Star destroy the planet? For Alderaan reasons
What do Ivanka Trump and JFK airport have in common? Donald wouldn't be happy if a muslim entered either of them.
what's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator ? The fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out
Breaking News: Coup Underway - Trump takes control of senate and declares martial law! Oh wait... That was Palpatine. False alarm.
Heard this one shopping at a mom and pop store. Maybe NSFW Store employee: do you know what slaves and coffee have in common? Me: uhhhhhh. Store employee: They're free! As he pointed to their complimentary coffee.
What did the earth say to the other planets? Wow. You guys have no life.
The wife and I mixed it up a bit last night... We washed the silverware BEFORE the dishes!
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef but you cant pee soup.
What's brown and sits in the forest? Winnie's pooh.
I think James A. Garfield Presidency was impactful He really trained for it
What is the difference between sand and menstrual fluid? It's difficult to gargle sand.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius loop? To get to the other ... errr ... ummm ... wait ...
What is the best way to eat a vegetable? Remove the wheelchair first.
Mountains aren't just funny, They are hill areas
What's the difference between a Syrian chapel and a Turkish terrorist camp? America will let in people from the terrorist camp.
What do you call two stoners getting married? A weeding
What do you call a Saudi who doesn't care about current events? Living under Iraq.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the chicks
What did the philosophical whisker say to the other? Man, we've really grown far from our roots.
It has been said that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However all the league records were destroyed in a fire, so we will never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A man just walked into my house and demanded I feed and water him. Offer him all my hospitality and pay him for watching my TV. I told him to back after Brexit. We don't want to do that in out country anymore.
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg.. Pic him up and suck on his dick
I tied some rope yesterday It was knot that interesting
Did you read the menu? 'Cause all I see is me 'n u
In Soviet America... Putin elects you.
After years of my mom telling me to bond with my stepdad... We finally bonded over a shared annoyance of her forcing us to do bonding activities. I guess you could call it ironic bonding.
An Indian man was recently hospitalised after inhaling too many spices... He spent a month in a korma.
I was stealing kitchen utensils last night... And I barely made it out without getting caught. But it was a whisk I was willing to take.
A man who walked into the the bar... Then he said to the bartender, "I bet you didn't see the second 'the' in the title, did you?"
What's the difference between a rooster, and a whore? A Rooster will wake the farmer with "a Cock a Doodle Doo!" whereas a Whore will wake the farmer as "a Any Cock'll Doo!"
Vegans are just as bad as non vegans. Stop drinking water, THATS A *FISHES HOUSE* YOU SICK FUCK!
Timmy: Is it a sin to wear shorts? They are so comfortable. Catholic Priest: No, I don't think its wrong to enjoy feeling little boys shorts.
Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
Catch me if you can... ...said the phrase to the other phrase
How can I invest in the Mexican airline industry? Call me crazy but once this wall goes up I?ve got a gut-feeling I think that?s one industry that will really be taking off.
How are new pants like a sub-par mansion? There's no ball room
Why did Steve Bannon call Trump supporters working-class hobbits? Because they're friends with grand wizards.
I was gonna masturbate to Ellen. But I just wasn't feeling it.
What's black and white and red all over? A sunburnt penguin.
I'm looking for a joke about a sandwich I saw the other day so I can repost it... Ah, right sub!
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. Credit to Steven Wright.
What is a Sith Lord's favorite drink at the bar? A Palpitini
I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself. When the hell did I get a wife?
What do you call a pet Ewok that stays inside? An Endor pet
What do you call a formula that can predict Al Gore's dance moves? An Al Gore Rhythm algorithm.
Life is like toilet paper... You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.
For every dollar that a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents. That's not fair. The man is only left with 30.
Genders are like the twin towers There used to be 2 of them, but now it is a sensitive topic.
You know what, those protests changed my mind I thought only some of them didn't have jobs but now I think all of the protestors don't have jobs.
I came out of the closet to my mom today but she told me I hadn't completely cleaned up so I had to go back in
The audible adverts are telling me to feel every word... But that would make me a literal sex offender
Speeding ticket Driver: "What am i supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer: "Keep it, When you get four of them, You get a bicycle!"
What kind of cookies do monkeys make? Chocolate chimp cookies
I brought a large amount of sperm off the internet last night, I shouldn't of done it but you know what they say, Sex cells
Potassium texted Sodium asking to go for coffee Sodium just said Na. Potassium replied K.
How do blind people learn about sex? The hands on way
I went to the doctors I have been having a lot of trouble reading lately so I went to the doctors. After a few tests he gave me a paper with my diagnosis and I apparently have something called "Lexdysia".
On my 16th birthday, my family tried to surprised me with a car But they missed
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute... I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.
How to workers at IHOP start their shift? One foot at a time
Have you heard about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field.
Why are don't black folks go on cruise? They are not falling for that again.
#69: (NSFW) Why did the chicken give her anal? To take her to the other side.
One week into his administration, Donald Trump's top aide walks into his office... "Sir, your new policies have been a success. We've already deported three Brazilian immigrants!" "Great, there can't be many left then!"
An African man was found lying on the ground with a grain of rice next to him in the morning, what happened? He was vomiting the whole night.
What do you call an orangutan holding a spoon? I don't know I was asking you
Why does everyone think Trump is gonna start WW3? If anything, with today's weaponry he'd start Cold War Part II
Who do you not want to see with a tampon? The Kool-Aid Man
Why do gamers say "get shit on"? Because they rectum
How many times does 34 go into 16? I don't know, ask Joey Buttafuoco.
Which is the most curious planet? Tellus
Don't be sad Because sad backwards is das, and das is nicht gut
The Chinese are celebrating the year of the rooster Meanwhile the Americans are celebrating the year of the cock
I'm guessing Trump has been Rick Rolled too many times ... Because he just gave you up, let you down and deserted you.
What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
I knew ED stood for Erectile Disfunction. Just realized it also means Executive Disorder. Pretty much the same thing.
A man walks into a bar. A man walks into a bar. His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart.
I like my women like I like my steak. Dead.
TIL I know more words than Shakespeare Shakespeare. Albatross. Conglomerate. Sasquatch. Carnival. I have more...
My wife accused me of being immature... So i told her to get out of my fort, because she didn't know the password.
Friends Her: -Do you have any friends? Him: -You bet, all seasons, on DVDs.
A woman goes into a forest. If a woman goes into the forest and makes a sound, and there isn't a man there to hear her, is she still wrong?
Do you ever get that feeling like your being watched? 'Cause if it's bothering you I'll stop. *Edit*: It's supposed to be you're. I'm know I'm stupid. You can stop telling me.
Whats better than winning silver in the special olympics? Not being disabled
Smoking seriously harms you and others around you So smoke casually for the sake of public health
Why does Beyonce sing "To the left, to the left"? Because she has no rights.
Why don't you eat pussy in the morning? You ever tried to open a grilled cheese sandwich?
What do Tyler1 and the Earth have in common? They're both perpetually tilted. What's the difference between Tyler1 and Earth? Earth isn't toxic to all known life. : ^ )
So I'm studying..... FOR MY PROSTATE EXAM!!!
This must be Reddit's most eco-friendly sub... 99% recycled content.
A five year old boy was detained at a US airport for hours because he posed a security threat. Makes sense. What better assassin to kill a 5 year old president? Credit: /u/mattholomew
"say his TRUE name 3 times with me children!" "Trumpleforeskin! Trumpleforeskin! Trumpleforeskin!" And just like that, the evil troll in the White House crumpled into a pile of dust!
Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they don't C#
TIFU by accidentally turning on the speakers connected to my pc (porn) instead of turning on the stereo ones... ...whoops, wrong sub
What did the egg say to the frying pan? You crack me up!
What do you call a Mexican with no protein? No Whey JosÈ
I don't know what's worse... Saying "It will only take 10 seconds" to get my wife to sleep with me or the fact that it's true.
When The Devil Tries To Buy My Soul I'm Going To Show Him Pure Evil. Going to give him a 40p card charge
What does the Japanese Jesus say after praying? Ramen
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds? 2kilo mocking birds.
I am thinking of selling my vacuum cleaner. Well...it spends all it's day collecting dust
What's our boy Donald's favorite instrument? The *trump*et I'll see myself out promptly
What did Trump tell Yates? You're fired.
A wife is like a hand grenade... Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.
Why did the bear have to go to the hospital Because he was bearly alive!
What's the difference between Nazi camp and terrorist camp? Concentration required.
What's the difference between a comma and a cat? One has a pause at the end of a clause and the other has claws at the end of its paws.
Damn girl, your ass is like a treasure chest. Ah thank you. But why? It's well hidden.
Wth is a mellon baller? Is that like a cantaloupe with an uzi?
I was at a retro night down at the club The DJ played "The Twist", so I did the twist. Then he played "The Macarena", and I did the Macarena. When he played "Come on Eileen", that's when the police arrested me.
My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it." Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.
What do you get when you cross a horror film with a reality TV show? The evening news
I asked my friend in North Korea how life was He said he can't complain
Say what you like about Hitler, because he's dead and can't complain.
You know what kind of tree I would be? A knotty Pine
On the eighth day God said: -Widescreen is the best for humanity. Sony 16:9.
What does opening an ideal bar and making a woman happy have in common? Take care of 2 things, liquor in the front, poker in the back.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The other day Jon Snow was talking about Reddit. It turns out he knows kn0thing.
What kind of meat does a catholic priest eat on Friday? Nun
How do you turn a normal joke into an american joke? Fucking unnecessarily add "fucking" as much as fucking possible.
Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin... Do you know how many animals I had to screw to find that out?
Buzzfeeds top 10 list of torture methods Number 7 will shock you
What does a horny terrorist do? He blows himself.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
What's the difference between a grandfather clock and your grandma's favourite breakfast? The letter L
If you eat a sub sandwich on a submarine, what do you eat on a train? A pastrainmi sandwich.
I asked a sailor for directions to a brothel. [NSFW] He pointed to a building and said "Thar she blows"
I went to a library and asked for a book on suicide The librarian replied "Fuck off! You won't bring it back!"
Yesterday I crashed my car into a midget He got out and said "I'm not happy" I replied "Which one are you then?"
What good did the Trump administration do for the American public? Public health. With all the marches Trump triggers, the average American person has never been more fit
Science have confirmed that humans can consume extremely poisonous materials and even drink molten lava **Once**
I threw my sandal at the light switch to turn it off, but I missed.. It was a complete flip - flop
How is this possible? Whenever I say something bad, I get in trouble, but... Whenever Donald Trump says something bad, he gets more supporters!?
What's the difference between Soviet Russia and Deadpool? In Soviet Russia, x find you In Deadpool, X Gon' Give It To Ya
What's Donald Trumps favorite song? ICE ICE baby
One of the cakes is missing from my German cake stall... ... I'm worried that it was stollen.
I hate libras Them and their media are destroying this country!
Why isn't Batman black? Because then he wouldn't be able to go to a store without Robin'.
If you ever feel like your life is meaningless and pointless Just remember that someone out there is fitting indicators on BMWs
What do you call a Chinese anti-vaxxer? Wu Ping Coff
What's the difference between a circus and a strip club? The circus has cunning stunts.
My name is Ezra. Spelling my name is easy... r, a
What's the difference between a Pakistani hospital and a terrorist camp? We don't fund hospitals in Pakistan
What's brown and sticky? Crap, I forgot the punchline.
What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed? Oh Sheeet!
Why has nobody heard of the new band 1023 megabits? They don't have any gigs.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
What's the difference between Muslim and a terrorist? I don't know, I just sign executive orders. I'll be here all week.
Its not a Muslim ban. Trump: "Its not a Muslim ban there are plenty of other Muslim countries that weren't banned. Its definitely not a Muslim ban" Darth Bannon: "No its not but its a good start"
Hi do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool!
If you were stranded on a desert island, what would you bring with you? I would take one for the team and bring Donald Trump.
They say comedy comes from a dark place. That's why farts are so funny.
My son told me he's transgender... So that makes me transparent!
What's long and hard and full of seamen? A submarine, you pervs.
Hi Reddit. I am David Miller, head of the American Lung Foundation. Asthma anything
I know how it feels to be a noble gas. No one wants to bond with me.
Why do stars make such good comedians? Because they're gas!
Does your asshole every get jealous... Of the amount of shit that comes out of your mouth?
Dirty I like my women how i like my wood dead and wet
What three, two letter words, mean small? Is it in?
Did you hear about the two fruits who wanted to run away and get married? Turns out they cantaloupe.
What's an oyster's favorite band? Pearl Jam.
January is national stalking awareness month... That crept up on my fast
Arguing with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement In the end, you ignore everything and click "I Agree".
A Mexican man has been running away from the cops for 3 days... The authorities stated that he is a Juan-ted man
If a centi-peed a pint, how much would a precipice piss? A sheer drop.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday... A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
I'm reading an interesting book about Electromagnetic Levitation I can't put it down
I can think of one benifit global warming might bring... LA will be under water if we keep it up.
The Mexican cartel asked a hacker for help Hacker: Sorry guys, I can't crack this.
Has anyone tried... Turning Donald Trump off and then on again?
BREAKING: Messi has just been substituted by a noob player, these are the words of the coach post-game! "Ah woops, wrong sub"
Today I beat my addiction I'm addicted to my wife.
Where did Ed's girlfriend go? Sheeran away
Whats the difference between a seatbelt and a condom? One of them prevents lives being **lost** in an accident and the other prevents lives being **made** in an accident.
Yoda was scared of 7 because..... 6, 78.
TIFU by eating my friend's sandwich wrong sub
I asked my Mexican friend if he was upset about Trump's wall... He said, "Eh, I'll get over it."
Breaking: Spelling Bee Official Pronounced Dead. He then used it in a sentence.
[NSFW] How many times in your life have you masturbated? Beats me
Did you hear? The toilet was stolen at my local police station. The cops have nothing to go on.
They say America runs on Dunkin... That's why I always risk my life crossing 3 busy lanes of traffic for my large iced, extra extra.
Today Trump consulted his alter ego about lifting the ban.. Yep, Bannon.
NSFW-My wife asked me to spice things up in the bedroom Apparently pouring cayanne pepper up her snatch isn't what she had in mind.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a apple? I don't ejaculate on a Apple before I eat it.
Have you heard that joke about Helen Keller? Don't worry, she didn't, either.
What?s the difference between a gold-plated Ferrari and free-range chicken ranch? The chicken ranch has the cocks on the outside.
I hate talking with Jewish people It really takes me out of Mein Kampfort zone!
Have you heard about the hobo gangster? Word on the street is he's roofless.
Who has killed more indians than John Wayne? Union Carbide Corporation
What do you call the front page political tooting on reddit? Trumpit
Age is just a number... wrong, its a word
Playing Pinball at an Arcade I was playing pinball while in an arcade, I guess I was doing good because a little kid was watching me. My ball got stuck, and the kid saw, and shook the machine causing the game to think I was cheating. I was so tilted.
"Hold my beer." -2017
We, the American people have a great sense of humor. Have you seen our President?
Someone stole my mood ring, And I don't know how to feel about it.
A fish went swimming. And it drowned. *My 4 year old daughter has just told me her first "joke". She finds it hilarious. "You get it? Fish cant drown. Thats funny!" I'm worried..
What's the difference between a Taliban Outpost and a Pakistani School? I don't know, why don't you ask the 50 drone pilots on this sub?
What is a pirates favorite toy?? Aarrrh sea boats.
I like my women how I like my ice cream... Rich, thick, and occasionally headache-inducing.
What do you get when you cross professor trelawney with human rights issues? American sybill liberties union
Anybody see that movie about the dog who befriends a dolphin? A Dog's Porpoise
Can't find any batteries for my vibrator What a buzz kill!
Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
The sandwich walked into the bar The sandwich walked into the bar. It sat on the counter and asked for a banana. The waiter said, "Sorry Sir, we don't serve food here."
Have you heard about the new movie where Donald Trump becomes a bug? It's called "President Weevil"
How many members of a given ethnic group does it take to change a lightbulb? A finite number! One to to change the bulb, the rest to act in a manner stereotypically derogatory to their ethnicity!
On Pokemon Go, I caught a rare Pepe the Frog. It unexpectedly evolved into Pee Pee the President... It learned Water Gun, Heal Block, and Can't Escape.
Why is a Cadillac like a Woman? Cause when it's cold in the morning and you need them the most....they won't turn over.........z
Have you heard the people who pronounce 'Pangea' with a hard 'g' instead of the soft one? For the confused, I'm talking about consonantal drift.
What's a ninja's favorite band? Five Finger Death Punch
Did you know using too many commas is now illegal.... You can end up with a very lengthy sentence.
You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody? That's common sense leaving your body. Edit: now I know what people mean when they say "RIP inbox".
What did the moose say after leaving a gay bar??? Man, I cant believe i just blew 50 bucks in there
Who was Bill Cosby's favorite character in the 1991 film "Hook"? RUFIO! RUFIO! RU-FI-OOO!
I used to wear polarized glasses until I released they made me focus too far to the left or the right...
So the creator of Pac Man died today... I guess he's the ghost now.
What do spinach and hard anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.
If John Cena stars in a cooking show,what would it be called? Snackdown Live
What comes after 69? Mouthwash
You're so fat That when you were born there was a birthquake.
I like my women how I like McAfee antivirus Disabled.
Why did the pie go to the dentist? It needed a filling.
I'm a man of strong convictions. The District Attorney in this town is pretty good.
I'm dating a palm tree. It's nothing serious though. Just fronds with benefits.
What's black and white and red all over? The slowest zebra on the prairie.
What to you call an Asian lady's private parts? A vachina.
There was a blackout in neighborhood last night... Police told us to wait until they shot him.
What does Kellyanne Conway eat for lunch? Alternative snacks
I heard Starbucks is trying to hire a lot more refugees Those poor art majors are going to suffer, then
A brother and sister are fucking in her room when their dad walks in... And says, "You slut, you're just like your mother!"
Yesterday a clown held the door open for me I thought it was a nice jester
When asking a basic white girl if she wants some Starbucks, the short answer will always be "yas" The long answer is probably going to be "yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas"
Nintendo Switch to PC.
Whats got 2 legs and bleeds? half a cow.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be? A colonoscopoo.
After the recent political events all my friends were like "we're going to rally" And I was like why are you going to North Carolina there's nothing to do there it's so boring.
Anyone ever try Canadian Bacon? I hear it's the nicest bacon around.
What's the difference between Harry Potter's best friend and his pot? Nothing, they're both cauldron.
I just read a funny joke about the movie Ground Hog Day... I just read a funny joke about the movie Ground Hog Day...
What do a lover and an electric guitar have in common? You'll get a lot of feedback if you're not fingering them correctly.
How are morbidly obese people and child molesters alike? Both want to get into smaller pants.
What d'you get if you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito? You can't cross a scalar with a vector.
How do drug dealers get punished by Islamic-Extremist Terrorist in the Middle East? They get stoned.
The guy who used to bully me in middle school still takes my lunch money. On the other hand, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
I wanted to study Computer Science but then I stopped... Turns out its just a sudo science.
What's the difference between a oral and rectal thermometer? The taste
What's the difference between someone who makes wooden furniture and someone who does paint jobs? One is a carpenter and one is a car painter
At this point... AIDS is worried about testing positive for Trump.
How do spiders find significant others? They use a web-based dating service.
A man with intellectual difficulties is in a basement staring at the door. Downstairs at the door.
What do you tell a German who wants to know the time? Nine.
Little Johnny: Mommy, what's a transsexual? Mom: I think you should ask Aunt Dave that question.
I got in touch with my inner self today. Thats the last time I'm buying 1 ply toilet paper at the dollar store.
I have the body of a 20 year old model, But it takes up too much room in my freezer.
I tried to cheer my mentally challenged friend up... ...but I guess I shouldn't have said "Don't let an extra chromosome get you down."
How is called the president of a packaging company? The Boxx
What's the difference between a normal shower and a golden shower? I don't drink everything that comes out of the spout of a normal shower.
Why was Peach mad at Mario? He forgot to delete his Bowser history.
What do you call someone with a rubber toe? Roberto
[NSFW] what did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.
How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? One
TIL that Fedex is soon to acquire rival company UPS. After the merger it will be called Fed-Up!
What do you call a particularly crabby Chinese grandma? A crust-asian. ^(I'm sorry....)
What does a pimp use to water his plants? Hoes
What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaayyyy What does a black horse eat? Hay motherfucker!
Why did the duck go to rehab? (Different answer than normal) He wanted to quack down on his drug usage.
So a priest walks into a bar... Looks at the ugly walls, and says to the bartender: "My son, you must repaint".
My girlfriend said she was "Bi". Little did I know she meant bipolar...
Why was the father of a transgender invisible? Because he was a transparent!
You look like Helen Brown. I look better in blue.
I JUST SAW A SEA COW CHANGING COLOR!! OH THE HUE MANATEE!!
Food is like dark humor Not everyone gets it.
A guy walks into a bar... Ouch.
Do you want to here a joke about the Jonestown Massacre? It has quite the Punch Line. edit: *hear. I blame autocorrect.
Whats the differebce between an Afghani Military Base and a Pakistani Elementary School? I don't know, I just fly the drone.
How is light beer like having sex in a canoe on the river? Both are fucking close to water.
Why can't a blonde dial 911? She can't find the 11.
What did Gordon Freeman experience when he turned 40? A Half Life crisis.
If you have to work tomorrow, call in sick. If your boss says "Well you don't sound sick." Say, "Well I'm fucking my sister; that sound sick enough for ya?"
There comes a time in a man's life when he has to choose: either stand up for what he believes, or stay down on his knees. On mass, that time comes about a hundred times, and the decision is always made out of peer pressure.
[Politics] Trump: 'The less immigrants we bring in the better' Pence: 'The fewer' Trump: 'I told you not to call me that yet'
How many Poles need to cut tree? 96 and a plane.
what's the difference between a black man and a box of donuts one of them's already full of holes before the cops see them
What's the best computer for producing music? A Dell.
Why didn't the Cannibal eat the Politician? Because he was full of shit.
I was going through my wardrobe, trying to select a suit for my grandmother's funeral. I said, "What shall I wear?" "I don't really care," said my mum. "As long as you don't you stick out." It's not easy being a necrophiliac.
Did you know that Trump is writing a book? It's called "My Struggle"
My son didn't want to study So I teached him a lesson
Who built King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious.
Here's to virgins Thanks for fucking nothing.
Someone gave a handjob to Albert Einstein... What a stroke of genius!
What do you call a black guy eating KFC? A bandwagonner.
Q: Why did God invent colour blindness? A: So someone will fancy the ginger kids.
People always ask me what my wife does for a living, but it's just too hard for me to say. You see... She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
What would the Greek gods have been like without their leader? Zeusless.
Trump Executive Order #16 Trump: From now on, 2+2 will equal 5. Reuters: But that can't be right, 2+2=4. We proved that, too! Trump: You can say 2+2=4, but this is alternative math.
I've got an annoying habit of quoting Elton John lyrics... ...I hope you don't mind.
Have you read Donald Trump's book, The Art of the Deal? It has four chapter 11s.
Quitting smoking is sooooo easy, I do it all the time.
My wife called me at work today. "Honey, do you want to come home at lunch for a quickie?" "Sarah, it's pronounced Quiche."
What did Guinevere say to king Arthur after sex? "You Camelot".
Imagine there was a government agency called Planned Parenthood that euthanized old racists.
Women are turning into good drivers! So if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning!
A Buddhist asks a hot dog vendor to "Make me one with everything." The Buddhist gives him a fifty and the vendor just pockets it. The Buddhist asks for change and the vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
My favorite english writer is Dickens JK Rowling
Many people say we are what we eat Yet the same people say that cannibals act like animals.
What is Donald Trump's favorite video game? *Papers, Please*
What's a Ghosts favorite porn? Boo-Kake
A hotel owner, radio host, and a banker walk into the situation room. Fuck.
My girlfriend was sad that her dog died so I went out and got her an identical dog Then she said "what the hell am I going to do with two dead dogs?
Had a blood test the other day. I did really well, A+
Life found on Mars!! The rover Curiosity found what appears to be an early marsupial ancestor of the American possum. Unfortunately, the rover Opportunity ran over it the day before.
No matter how good are you doing something There's always an asian that can do it with eyes closed. With love, An auto-racist Asian
What is this new band everyone is talking about? Some muslim band is all over the news!
I'm torn: on the one hand, I absolutely hate xenophobia, sexism, and racism on the other hand, orange is my favorite color.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller
A grape threw a huge outdoor party on a hot, sunny day... It was raisin' the roof.
Two prisoners wanted to escape prison... But there were a 100 fences between them and freedom, they decided to jump the fences. when they had jumped 99 fences one of them says "i'm tired, let's go back".
How do you know a rapper was raised by lesbians? "Yo I gotta give a shoutout to my moms."
I'm going to set up a Kickstarter for all the trump protestors... Not to donate to them, for them to donate to me. That way I can afford to take off work and do something as meaningful...like rocket league or GTA online
Middle East theme song oh ohhhh... I'm an alien... I'm a legal alien... I am Iranian getting kicked out of New York...
I asked my Biology professor if he had any patients. He didn't seem too thrilled with me after that...
I'm an auto mechanic... So I can safely say I don't understand the gay agenda. But I do understand the Trans mission.
A father was reading a Bible story to his young children He said: ?The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.? His son asked, ?What happened to the flea??
What would happen, if IT technic became a doctor? Patient: I can't bend my knee. Doctor: [*bends his knee*] Weird, works fine for me.
What's mexican for fucked ? Deported
I finally convinced mom to watch anime to prove it's not childish and immature at all. But it's weird to watch hentai with your parents.
I finished eating lunch No joke just wanted to tell someone.
Where can I buy donkey hide as a gift? Ass skin for a friend
What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a terrorist camp? I don't fucking know I'm just a drone pilot
What do you call an elf that won't shut up? Gobby.
AN ODD TALE There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died. Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."
When I was young I asked my mum what a couple was she said,"oh two or three." And she wonders why her marriage didn't work.
I walked into a bar... and I said to the Bartender: *Bartender, may I please have a Rum and Coke?* The bartender replied: *I'm sorry, we only have Pepsi, is that okay?* I replied: *That's fine.* So he poured me a Pepsi and Coke.
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey. But I turned myself around.
What's the difference between American Women and Muslim Women? The American Women gets stoned before she has sex
Why were there so many protestors in CA this weekend? Because they were able to turn all that new water into whine.
Two muffins are in the oven. One muffin says to the other "It sure is hot in here". The other exclaims " AHHHH! A talking muffin!"
I've searched high and low for my brother's killer but nobody is willing to do it.
Menstruation jokes aren't funny. They're bloody hilarious!
My new bank is awesome. It's called condensation savings and loan. They give credit where credit is dew. Edit: typo.
My wife and I made a deal that whoever woke up first on our anniversary, would have to wake the other with oral sex... I still don't know why she woke up screaming with my dick in her mouth.
Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump-dump-dump!
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence.
What's the difference between a thief and a comedian? At least thieves are known for stealing other people's shit.
called UPS in Germany today to ask when they were shipping my Oculus Rift they said "VR ready"
According to the Chinese Zodiac it is the Year of the Cock. So it makes perfect sense that Donald Trump is president.
Little Johnny: "Grandma, make a sound like a Frog." Grandma: "Why?" Little Johnny: "Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."
I'm about to eat lunch. No joke just wanted to tell someone.
Why don't black people go on cruises? They're not falling for that one again!
My wife's ass smells like sardines and old milk. I'm not joking.
Women are like grapes. Some age like fine wine. Some age like raisins.
I did some shrugs in the gym. After someone asked me, "What are you doing here?"
How does the karate kid train with his girlfriend? Wax on, fap off.
A muslim walks into US Just kidding
If God called your cell phone, would you answer? Yes, but only to ask why my dick is so small.... Why God Whyyyyyyyyy why do I have such a small dick!?
I could never go to acting school... There's way too much drama.
Life is like a box of chocolates... ...You're probably not going to finish it all if you're diabetic.
what is the stupidest animal in the jungle? The Polar Bear...
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros? Hell if I know. Edit: 'Elephino.
What's Batman's favourite PokÈmon? Cubone, because they both don't have parents :(
My wife was wondering if we should wash dishes by hand, in order to save a little money. I figure that using the dishwasher uses more electricity, but less water. So overall it's a wash.
Why did the Triceratops die out? Because they couldn't find any Tricerabottoms.
As Dumbledore stood there stroking his wand Harry regretted transferring to Catholic School
What's the difference between a pizza and a hoe? You don't pick the crust off a pizza before you eat it
Becoming a vegetarian... Is a huge missed steak.
Before my Girlfriend moved in I had one night stand... Things are getting pretty serious, we now have two night stands.
Why do feminists hate the postal service? Because they deliver straight white mail.
There are 10 types of people in this world The ones who understands binary and the ones who don't.
A stoned bird A stoned bird was flying when it hit a moving car. The driver stopped, found the bird and took it home to treat it. When the bird is awake in his new cage, he looked around and thought: the jail?!! Did the driver die?
What school did Darth Vader attend? Univer-sith-y ... I'll let myself out.
If history has taught us anything, then it the fact that human beings cant take care of the world and its all down to shit. So let's try a monkey to govern us all - every Trumpling
My wife messed with my charging cable... I was shocked.
What did one hat say to the other? You stay here, I'm going on ahead.
Ocean's 8 is expected to come out in late 2017 but probably won't be ready until at least 30 minutes after that
What do you call your Japanese wife? A rice cooker.
What is the difference between M&Ms and America? M&M got rid of the tan ones years ago
If the green man lives in the green house, the red man lives in the red house and the blue man lives in the blue house. Who lives in the white house? The orange man
How did the Chinese Vicar introduce herself? By singing "I'm Asian Grace."
How do you elope? You can't.
Why was Hadrian so popular? Because he built a huge wall to keep the invaders out.
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They are making headlines.
What would you call it if Natalie Portman starred in Lorenzo's Oil? Lack Schwann
I was a smoker for 10 years until I decided to quit cold turkey I never thought to heat it up.
My dad told me about the birds and the bees today... Then he gave me a broom and told me to clear them out of the attic.
What did one earthquake say to the other? Was that your fault or mine?
Snow Day! I get to stay home owl day. It's gonna be a hoot.
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta Now it's a Ford Focus
As a terrorist what would Willy Wonka scream before he carried out an attack? Nougat Chocolatebar!
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field =?
What is Trumps favorite movie? Minority Report!
Donald Trump always has his partner be on top during sex. Because he can only fuck up.
Our son was a by-product of a raunchy night in the back of a car. With one very open-minded taxi driver.
I went to the local store and I asked... "How much for a dead battery?" I asked. He responded, to my delight. No charge.
Some newspapers and celebs have compared Trump to Hitler... Nazi's are outraged.
What does a stripper do with her asshole everyday before work? Drops him off at band practice
My girlfriend was unhappy that I referred to her as sloppy seconds but she was even more unhappy with Lady Leftovers
What did the seal go to school for? Art art art!
What kind of bagel can fly? A plain bagel.
Most people have a family tree, but I have a family cactus. Because mine is full of pricks.
How to fix America? Unplug the power cord wait 10 seconds, plug it back again. See if it works.
Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy? No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills
How do you know when you're at a gay picnic? NSFW All the hotdogs taste like shit
I once dated a biologist. I don't like to brag, but I always provided her with multiple organisms to keep her happy.
Capitalism has many problems but communism only has 3 - Breakfast - Lunch - Dinner
Facebook, I am not a social media person. Facebook: But- Me: FACEBOOK, I AM NOT A SOCIAL MEDIA PERSON. YOU ARE REFUSING TO HELP. GOODBYE. *Deletes Facebook, hits the gym, lawyers up, checks himself into psych ward*
Birds for sale... All of them are going cheap!
Why Didn't Gandhi's Broken Arm Repair? Because he fought the Caste system
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
"Give it to me! Give it to me! I'm so wet!" She screamed. "No," I replied, "it's my umbrella."
Scientists have finally ruled out cats from any upcoming Mars missions cuz curiosity!
For sale: Second hand toilet paper.
Double Negatives ...are no-nos.
What do you call the strongest day of the year? The Summer Swollstice
What do you call a dildo traveling through space at the speed of light? Genital warps.
I've attended anger management classes before... ... it was soon after my dads first Alcoholics Anonymous group. "Dad," I said, "there are a lot of angry people." My dad replied, "There are a lot of angry drunks, too!"
What kind of photo doesn't dissolve in water? A non-Polaroid.
Do you know what a girl says when she gets a big dick inside her? no ? neither do I.
Doctor : How is your headache? Man : She is fine.
Why don't people like communists? Because they have no class
Why was the blondes belly button all red and bruised? Because her BF was a blonde too.
Our local brothel just went out of business... all they left us was a sign in the window... Said "Beat it... we're closed"
I hate restaurants that have quirky and confusing ways of displaying men and woman bathroom signs. I mean, what am I?!? Am I a kitchen or an exit?
What's the difference between Donald Trump and Donald Duck? There is a human being inside of Donald Duck.
I called my son "a bloody disappointment to this family", and my wife burst into tears Apparently I shouldn't joke about miscarriage.
My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"
Where do lesbians like to camp? In a femi-nest.
I didn't understand why Obama had to give speeches behind bulletproof glass, I mean he's black and all but I doubt he would have shot anyone.
What does a rich Iraqi say at a bar mitzvah? Mosul Toff!
What is the worst Israeli senior citizens resort? Jewrassic Park
What's a four letter word pertaining to females ending in -unt? Aunt!
A 16 year old blonde is dinning with her parents Blonde: Oh by the way I¥m pregnant Parents (simultaneously): You¥re WHAT!?! Blonde: Geez relax and eat a chill pill, I¥m not even sure it¥s mine
One chemist tells his colleague: "Dude, I created a superconductive alloy out of Potassium, Nobelium and Tungsten!! I'm going to make millions off of it!" The other chemist, jealous, says with a sigh,"Yes, I KNoW."
What's the fastest thing on land? Stevie Wonder's speedboat
My pencil isn?t prone to making Freudian Slips but my penis
A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone. The husband is surprised, "Wow, that was quick - usually you girls are at it for two hours at least!" "Yeah, well, it was a wrong number."
Big explosion at the cheese factory earlier.... There was de brie everywhere.
There's a new Indian open on a boat on the canal round corner from my house... ...It's called the Onion Barge.
My grandpa has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the local zoo
My grandma and I were face timing with a bad connection So she says, "hold on, let me open the door to let some WiFi's in." True stories can be jokes too..
There is a movie about premature ejaculation Coming Soon, now in theaters. EDIT: Just let me try again changing a couple of words EDIT 2: I swear this is the first time that this has happened
What do Donald Trump and Gordon Ramsay have in common? They both have a cabinet full of potatoes.
I think my wife has a blind fetish... Last night she said she doesn't think we should see each other anymore.
What's it called when you cut off Leonardo DiCaprio's head DiCapritation
I like military puns Generally, they're very funny.
A blind man walks into a bar... And a table... then a chair...
Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral But not my Sister.
Someone stole my mood ring... I'm not sure how I feel about that....
Many people say a diploma is just a piece of paper. I as an educated person beg to differ It's a piece of cardboard.
To some people, the words "Do Not Touch" leave them terrified Especially when it's written in Braille.
I hate those cocky Russian Nesting dolls They are always full of themselves
Volkswagon were pretty dumb to name one of their cars 'Golf' Why name a car after a slow and boring sport where the hardest part is driving
Did you hear the one about the lovelorn college professor? He always put the course before the heart.
A video of a groundbreaking bowler goes viral He still had to pay to fix the bowling lane though
At the disco: "So whats a cute girl like you doing all by herself?" "I had to fart"
Why did Matt get a Ticket? He's a speed Damon.
And the Lord said onto John... "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life" But John came fifth, and got a toaster...
Two fish swim into a concrete wall One turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
Two muffins are standing in an oven Two muffins are standing in an oven, One turns to the other and says; "Boy, sure is hot in here." To which the other one replies; "OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Reddit is a really green community, ...considering all the recycled content on here.
What do you call a Mexican Midget? A paragraph because he's too short to be an ese
What do you call beautiful people in india ? Tourist
Roses are red, violets are blue. When it comes to flower colours, the person who made this has no clue.
A black guy wakes up from a coma He asks what happened. The nurse says "You blacked out"
A man named Eric Cole... ... discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes. He's calling this correlation Cole's Law.
The girl i am dating, slapped me and told me to fuck off. Told her she was a gold-digger.. Apparently, that's not a good way to call someone who work in mines, digging gold.
Go Karting with a Muslim coworker Muslim coworker: We should organise a go karting day out, I went on the weekend and it was really fun! Dan: That's a good but isn't it dangerous? Jack: As long as you don't go in Ram-a-dan.
Donald Trump is our first POSOTUS Peice Of Shit Of The United States.
Recently a new casino opened in Tokyo (Japan)... It is called "Pokermon Go"
A man with 2 extra testicles removed them himself with a knife without anaesthesia Doing that takes some balls
How can you tell if a hamburger was grilled in space? It's a little meteor.
"I'm not cumin!" Said Caraway.
I've done jail time for my love of fruit.. I'm a convicted grapist.
Tobacco companies kill their best customers And condom companies kill their future customers.
Why wouldn't the lobster share his toys? Because he was... shellfish. hahahaha
A sandwich and a kit Kat walk into a bar at 9-31..... ....barman says "I'm sorry, we don't serve snacks after 9pm"
What is Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman - "Which book has helped you most in your life?" The woman replied - "My husband's cheque book !!
Why did the company fire all of its Liberal employees and hire a bunch of illegal immigrants and Muslim refugees? The illegal immigrants and Muslim refugees actually came to work while all the Liberals shirked work to go hold signs and shout at people.
I was asked how I view lesbian relationships Apparently 'in HD' isn't the correct answer.
Shortest joke a software developer can tell: ?I?ll be ready soon.?
What you can get with 57 000¨? A home for a refugee. Or a shit ton of beer
Matthew McConaughey set to guest edit Breibart news next week Alt-Right Alt-Right Alt-Right
What place is cleaner when Israeli Tourists get out than when they get in? A Hotel Room.
Jack,"Our relationship is over." Jane,"Our relationship is what? Over."
"Hand me downs" Apparently not the right way to ask the wife to hand me our disabled baby.
What's this I hear about a new Muslim band?? Is this something kind of explosive death metal!
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable
What is Donald Trump's favorite word in Sign Language ddfffffddffddfffddffddddfffff
What's the difference between Hitler and Trump? The mustache.
Teacher: whoever answers ............. Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I?m going home now.
My mom won't let me eat while using her laptop anymore... Because when she caught me stroganoff I dropped my pennes on the keyboard.
The electromagnetic wave arrived at the hotel, when the hotelier asks... "Do you have any baggage to check in?" - "No, I'm traveling light."
I fell asleep at a party I fell asleep at a party the other night and someone put a teabag in my mouth. I went fuckin mental. No one treats me like a mug
My gay friend really despises of fruit He cannot stand the sight of a mango.
The different between Donald Trump and Hitler If anybody can think of one! Pm me and I'll write it in this little space here -----> [ ]
I asked my shrink what we could work on to deal with my grandma's passing. She said mourning would help. I said, "No thanks, I'm married."
A lot of folks are concerned that Trump is president given the status of minorities. But don't forget: Orange be the new black, baby.
Why was the diamond depressed? He had been under a lot of pressure lately.
GNU/Linux can't run Photoshop.. unless you offer it WINE. Else you will remain stuck with a GIMPed system.
I finally got the "why did the chicken cross the road" joke The chicken dies and goes to the other side... it took me 19 years to get that joke...
What so you call an actor who paid of his house Mortgage freeman (i know its bad)
We need immigrants to do jobs that Americans don't want to do... As two thirds of Trump's wife are immigrants
I got asked why I don't have a girlfriend... "Don't need one" I replied "My bank account goes down on me everyday"
Pirate walks into a bar Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender says "Hey Mr. Pirate, ya know you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate says "Yarrrrr, it's driving me nuts."
We never saw it coming. Psychiatrist: You have paranoid schizophrenia. Patient: Who! Me or me?
Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours. - Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour. As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says: - Gorgonzola! - Wait, it is not on yet.
I tried to give myself a sex change... ...but I couldn't pull it off.
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field.
What's the difference between a tiny penis and a joke? My date didn't laugh at my jokes.
Did you hear about the Italian that died? He pasta way
Why cant you play cards on a rowboat? Because you're sitting on the deck...
Whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
Miss France just won Miss Universe The French finally won something.
Doctor: Hi, how are you? Patient: I'm well thanks. Doctor: Then get the fuck out.
Why did Carrie Fisher cross the road? She didn't... She's dead.
A close friend of mine asked me "What do you look for in a girl?" And I said "My dick, and if it's not there then that's gonna change."
People don't realize Trump is the healthiest president in our history. He's been training his whole life to run the aryan race.
What's the difference between a bag of coke and a toddler Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of coke fall out a window
How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her
When I grow up and have kids... I think I will stay a virgin to set a good example.
Stop it with the 9/11 jokes, my dad died in 9/11 His last words were "Allahu Akbar"
Trump's wives were immigrants. Proving again that immigrants will do jobs Americans won't.
Guy runs out of gasoline. Nearest gas station in 20 miles out, so he unzips and fills up with pee. Cop driving by stops him and asks is this normal? nope its super. .
Why don't you ever see a crow as roadkill? They always have another crow as a lookout saying "car, car, car"
Breaking news...Justin Trudeau just announced a plan to build a wall between the US and Canada, with the US paying for the fence. ...yeah just as fucking stupid as as it sounds:(
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100 A perfect 10, but completely imaginary.
What gets wetter the more it dries? "What?", says the interrogation suspect. "Not this."
I said to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hairback Apparently thats an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient
North Korea bans sarcasm What a great idea!
What do you call a difficult problem in chemistry? A chemystery.
Why aren't we letting Islamic people get off at airports? I thought we wanted to keep them off our planes, not on them.
Just got back from Chernobyl And boy are my legs arms!
What did OSHA say about this joke? NSFW
A sodium ion went to rob a bank. It was charged, without a doubt.
What did the Kool-aid man say about Donald Trump's proposal? OH Yeaaaaaaa!
What's brown and sticky? A stick. I wood've thought of something more original, but I tree-ly can't be bothered, so here you go.
You know what the worst part is about dating a Japanese girl? If I ever decide to break up with her I will have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
What do all pharaohs have in common? Toot.
Today I went to the protest The protesters aren't going to mace themselves
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but how in the hell did they get in there?
A traveling companion. A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and orders, "I'll have a pint, please. And one for the road."
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I" Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
How dare you say I'm dumb! Would a dummy get a 'A' on there IQ test? Hmm?
I think these protesters are sending the wrong message... because they keep telling me to Love Trump's Hate.
One of the most important skill my parents taught me is... How to tell what is junk mail and real mail.
Trump says "The less immigrants we let into our country the better!" Pence, correcting Trump, says "The Fewer" Trump says "Whoa Mike don't call me that just yet"
If there's a sock on my doorknob... It means I'm having sex with the other one.
A country that shares borderlines with 10 other countries cannot be entered because it is made of limits
Mike Rowe Penis Women have told me I have a Mike Rowe penis. I guess it must be because they think it's pretty strong and does dirty jobs... but I think it's a little small myself.
Two guys sit at a bar... One says to the other "I've got really bad news." "What is it?", the friend replies. "I'm HIV positive". "Really?!, that's terrible. Is there anything I can do?". "Yea, can you tell your wife as soon as you get home".
The orphanage i run, burned down today with the lives of sixty children Thank fuck i don't have to tell their parents ....
Back in my day we used to only have chalkboards. The new whiteboards they use are Remarkable
I rather have a bottle of soda for President than Donald Trump. This way, we could truly have a Liter of the Free World.
Next time somebody calls your home phone... Say "Can I call you back? I'm driving."
A man asked me, which is worse, ignorance or apathy? I told him, "I don't know, and I don't care."
All of these reposts are like kids with cancer They never get old.
Which is better a stool or a box to stand on? You stand on a stool, though I prefer the ladder
I called the ASPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road "Are they moving?" asked the operator "Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase"
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
What do you call a Pokemon who is trying to quit smoking? Vaporeon
Going to work My boss told me yesterday, ?Don?t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want?. But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, the bastard said I was fired.
What do alcoholics and necropheliacs have in common? They both love to crack open a cold one.
In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
Whats more offensive than black face? Orange face.
Favorite math topics of Karma Whores Multiplication and derivatives
Photons aren't Catholic. No mass.
It's like we're living in a video game... "President Evil"
My girlfriend told me I look "uncool" with a bike helmet on.. Well you know I'd rather look uncool than fall and split my head open during sex.
Mary Tyler Moore died this week. She didn't make it after all...
Two old friends are camping. [nsfw] In bed, in the dark : "Are you jerking off? -Yeah. -Would you mind jacking your own dick?"
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns... But I soon realized that toucan play at that game
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's an obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic... But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
I had a cocaine? joke, but now I can't find it It makes me really mad because I had it all lined up
Why doesn't communism work in a school enviroment? Because everyone would get the same Marx.
I was appalled to learn about Hitler's uprising. Anne Frankly, I did Nazi that coming.
Got in a fight with my boner this morning; Don't worry i beat it single handedly.
What is the difference between Courtney Love and a porcupine? A porcupines needle won't give you AIDS
What do you call a horse with a horn and no balls? A Eunuchorn
Why did the farmer start a punk rock band? He was tired of Haulin' Oats
Why did Colonel Sanders keep his eleven herbs and spices a secret? Because he was ashamed of them
Why was Britney Spears addicted to the cocaine? Because Kevin fed her lines
Redditors are like alchemists. They try to turn their nonsense into gold.
Why was the chef fired from the restaurant? He was caught cooking the books
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Donald Trump? Bill fucked fewer people in the Oval Office.
What's the difference between Courtney Love and the American flag? It's not proper to piss on the American flag
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? 1 less drunk
The weather forecast is looking pretty bad over in Germany. There's a high chance of heil.
Mexicans are upset over Trump's wall. A lot of Mexicans are upset over Trump's planned wall. I hope they get over it.
What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza. Pizza can have pepperoni, Jews can't.
Did you hear about the Australian guy that was dancing with my computer? He was waltzing my tilde.
What do you call a Nazi cetacean? Adolfin.
My wife bought a new plant for for the house. I didn't like it at first... ...but it's starting to grow on me.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his lawn after a snow storm. Don't tell me not to pee on your lawn. This is my lawn, see, it's got my name on it!
Why is it so loud in Costco? Everything comes in high volumes.
I was bored with my life, and wanted to change something. I changed my mind.
My friend asked me, "Where's my book of opera puns?" I said, "It's overture house."
Did you hear about trumps wall? I can't tell you, you might not get over it!
No matter how hard you push the envelope It still remains stationery
I once dreamed that I fell down a flight of stairs. I was so relieved when I woke up safely in the hospital.
The Mexican drug lord El Chapo has been extradited to the United States... It's still unclear which cabinet post he'll be appointed to.
Will glass coffins be popular in future? Remains to be seen.
The person who made the shovel should receive an award It was groundbreaking work.
Say "Rise Up Lights" out loud You just said "Razor Blades" in an Australian accent
So I took a practice test on photons today... It didn't matter.
What do Hanlon's razor, Occam's razor, Poe's Law and Godwin's Law each have in common? The Donald Trump presidency.
Reddit is really a green community, considering all the recycled content on here.
I found a new passion yesterday pairing socks. I guess I just enjoy bringing sole mates together.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
Why are there no cats on mars? Curiosity
Why did the PowerPoint cross the road? To get to the other slide.
Life is a lot like chess You've always got to be thinking two steps ahead. And most people want to be white.
Even if they all unite against Trump, those seven countries won't get off the list A seven nation army couldn't hold Trump back.
Knock knock...... You: Who's there? .... Me: Better eat up...... You:.....
Rumour has it Eminem has converted to Islam. From now on, he will call himself "Muslim Shady."