corrade-lsl-templates – Rev 15
?pathlinks?
There's a strange movie called "Being Vladimir Putin." It's about a Russian dictator who discovers a secret door in the Kremlin that magically leads up the asshole of Donald Trump.
Why didn't the Tibetan girl trust her boyfriend? Himalayan
What's the last thing you want to hear when you're blowing Willie Nelson? "So...I'm not actually Willie Nelson."
There are 10 types of people Those who recycle binary jokes, and those who recycle other jokes.
Abortion jokes are really shallow... They always fail to deliver.
A dyslexic person... Walks into a bra
"How did Trump become president?!?!" Asks the country getting its weather forecast from a groundhog.
Iran bans Americans from traveling there. Won't beheading there anymore
Elephants weigh more than rats. weigh more.
I had bad breath this morning So I exSpeaminted with Wrigleys gum.
If Trump says, "Fuck You" to you, don't be angry... because rather being angry, you need to be worried. He is a man of his words, so run and hide if you can.
What is the most literary vegetable? A punion
I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away
Why is the nose in the middle of the face? Its the scenter.
Why are black people so good at basketball? because it's all about running, shooting, and stealing.
Why are Samurai so easy to kill? There are only chinks in the armor
What is the Mexicans favourite game? Borderlands
America in the 1930s be like: I have crippling depression.
How do you call a Fay in black robes? It is a Faygoth
What is E.T. short for? He has really small legs
I'm so horny. I need to go home and pound my wife ...in the head with a skillet, so she can't hear me and the girl I brought home having sex.
How much does high speed internet cost in Australia? NINE-HUNDRED DOLLARYDOOS
Why do marxists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line
"Hi there, I'm here for Club Paradox" Actually this is Oxymoron Club. "Ok, same difference." looks at group Oh, this guy is good.
Why did the black guy have cocaine sprinkled on him? The cops were out of bullets.
I was changing the 15 fuses at the Buzzfeed HQ building Number 5 shocked me.
So the British government have just produced a white paper detailing their plan of leaving the EU Well, they weren't about to use black or brown paper now were they?
What do you call a Cuban that immagrated to Spain? Spain-ish
Me and my dad have been butting heads... ... since before I was born
Have you heard about the vampire turned poet? He went from _bat_ ... to __verse__!
What do you call a female magician? An assistant.
I saw a black man... I saw a black man in Nikes running down the street carrying a 55" TV and I thought to myself, "Is that mine?" Then I remembered that mine wears Reebok.
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records... Until the librarian screamed at me to take it out.
Muslims in America [removed]
What do you call a group of French rabbits running backwards? A retreating hare line.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? 18+ Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Why are feminists so good at math? Theyre skilled at triggernometry.
Police arrested two kids yesterday One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
I'm like a bull in a China Shop... If "China Shop" is what you call your mom. [OC]
What is the worst part about time travelling jokes? Punchline? Never heard of him.
When someone asks why you don't have muscles "My muscles are just like John Cena. You can't see me"
Didn't know groundhogs are part Didn't know groundhogs are part of the Stark family . They always think Winter is coming.
My dog has been acting up lately... I think it's fed up with it's gender.
How many Presidents does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. He's too busy screwing his daughter in the oval office.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs... Because they always take things literally.
So I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta last night... Now it's a Ford Focus.
The NATO battleplan began to fall apart just as the battle started. All the nations troops were in the planned positions. However what no one expected was the Spanish in-position.
Pornhub now makes you view an ad before you can watch your video. Is this what the world is coming to?
Why did the guitar player get arrested? For fingering a minor.
Want to hear a joke? So did Helen Keller.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The cock.
Stringed Bikini's Stringed Bikini's are making our beaches see-shores.
I asked Yoda for his opinion of the play Les Miserables "Lame is."
What do you call a baby horse, wrapped in aluminum, who was stopped from committing his dastardly plan? A Foiled Foil Foal
What's the biggest similarity between feminists and linebackers? Everything that happens to them is offensive.
I became a proud dad today! My son is actually 4 but he was a boring little cunt for the first 3 years.
What is the difference between a sadist and a masochist? One practices the golden rule.
TIL short people experience an wage gap comparable to that of blacks They should really rise up against it
What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? Your mum can't take a joke.
How can you tell if you're best friend is gay? If his dick tastes like shit.
A step-by-step guide of how to tell if your girlfriend is cold: 1) She won't stop fucking telling you.
Last night, my wife asked me to make her "feel like a woman" I took off my shirt, and told her to iron it.
Why couldn't the man remember where he left his glasses? It was all a blur.
I'm not anti Semitic I'm anti semantic I can't stand a wordy Jew
What's the difference between a good secretary and a great secretary? A good one says, "*Good morning.*" A great one says, "*It's morning.*"
There are 10 types of people in the world... .. those who understand binary, and those who get laid.
My buddy was watching a video of an NFL player involved in domestic violence. I asked, "What position did he play?" He answered..... Kicker
Why do Frenchmen have a hard time counting to four? Because there's a tree in the way.
What's the toughest commandment for IV drug users to follow? Don't take God's name in vein.
What do Germans call a broken toilet? A scheizer geyzer.
11 a.m. is always such a hard time for me I should probably stop taking Viagara with breakfast.
What's a Jewish person's favourite martial arts? Judo
What group of limbed people is the worst at karate The deaf
A Blonde's Brain Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? A: Pregnant.
What do you get if you combine an organ and jam? A hearty breakfast
Earbuds so today one of my friend was wearing ear buds and im like: YOU MAY HAVE EAR BUDS, BUT I GOT MY BUDS EAR! and i grabbed my friends ear.
A man wearing a turban walks into a doctor's office... and the doctor says "What's wrong with you?", to which the man replies "Doctor, can't you see I'm Sikh?"
If you don't want your grades to sink like the titanic..... You should try to keep them above C level
I used my Google Rewards on a video of Caitlyn Jenner It was worth the transaction
I know an NP-Complete joke but once you've heard one you've heard them all
What is America's favorite drink? Liber-Tea
Time to train for my favourite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation....
Did you guys hear about the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence? It was an "udder" disaster!
Some say laughter is the best medicine. I prefer sedatives.
I invented a sandal for people with one leg. It was a flop.
2020 Olympic High Jump Results: Gold- Mexico Silver- Mexico Bronze- Mexico
What do you call a truthful Native American? Pocahonest.
Guess what Chicken butt
Whats the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot? Guys will actually look for the golf ball.
The only interview you can never fuck up is the exit interview. No HR is going to say "Sorry. You're rejected. You'll have to continue working with us till your last breath."
What does the sign on an out of business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
Had the strangest sexual encounter of my life last night "Had the strangest sexual encounter of my life last night," Bill said to Frank. "A blind call girl" "Really?" said Frank. "Yeah. You gotta hand it to her."
Giant Pandas are the least racist animal... They're Black, White and Asian!
When is it time for bed at Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand. Woooo Shamone!!
What is the difference between Donald Trump and Kanye West? 4 years.
Alt-Right does nothing for our Word Ctrl-Right, though, moves us to a whole new Word. Obligatory I'm here all day.
What cereal does President Trump stockpile at the White House? Cheerios...Made for little hands!
What do you call a pig with no legs? Ground Hog! Happy Groundhog's Day!
My wife told me if I kept making puns about my dark yellow glove then she'd leave me. I told her I could see where she was coming from, even I found it annoying I mustard mitt.
So a man and a wife were walking.... The wife sees a dog licking itself and whispers to her husband "I wish I could get down like that." The husband replies "I suggest you ask if you can pet em first"
What is a physicist's preferred city of residence? Velo City.
What kind of faucet is only Cold? Farrah
Q: What's the difference between hemophilia and virginity? None. One prick, and it's all over.
What's the most common blood type in Taiwan? Taipei
Pregnant - Beyonce Pregnant with twins - Beytwice
My baby finally spoke her first words She said "Google Lady Gaga"
Time flies like an arrow fruit flies like a banana
Why are magicians lousy reporters? They always ask trick questions.
This is a chemistry joke repost... All the original ones Argon.
What's the best pattern for a banker's suit? Checks!
Why did the Amish girl keep getting pregnant? Too many mennonite.
The Groundhog just saw a Muslim outside Gobblers Knob. Predicting six more months of travel ban
Whats lopsided and provocative? A stripper who had a stroke
Someone asked me "What's the longest time you ever went without sex? " 16 years. Once. When I was young.
Why did the piece of chalk cross the road? There was treasure buried underneath.
How many Muslims were banned? How many Muslims were banned? Allah them.
Onions. I remember crying when my dad chopped onions. Onions was a good dog. I miss him.
Want to hear a joke about Sodium? Na Want to hear a joke about Sodium Hypobromite? NaBrO
Eyes Specialist Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem? Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell? Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.
How do say farewell to a cat? You ask him to have a mice day.
Why was the math book sad? It had lots of problems. [My little brother told me this earlier.]
Trump is alot like a Dragon Ball Z villain He has yet to sign his final form! Bahahaahaaa I love coffee
A Muslim walks into a gay bar And says "shots for everyone!"
Groundhog sees Trumps shadow. . . Four more years of Nuclear Winter
100m Dash A girl says to her friend "The last time I had sex was like the 100 meter dash" Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?" "No, with 8 black men and a gun."
What did the company that makes wooden counters say to their client? "We stand behind our product"
Trump cured me... of impostor syndrome.
I just went to my first biweekly Screw Trump party I'm gonna try his gays only one next week.
Why did the bean get released from the mental asylum? It wasn't a nut.
Son: "Mom, Dad, I am gay...." Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: ... Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they're stuck up bitches.
I asked my agent what time I should arrive to be paid for the Elvis impersonation gig. He said it's 1 for the money.
Which monkey can fly? A hot air baboon!
Why is Donald Trump's favorite cuisine Canadian? Because he loves to have a mouthful of Poutine.
Why couldn't the dogs understand each other. Because they didn't have any common scents. Ha ha ha... I'll see myself out.
What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt!
What type of penis do Chinese mice have? Mousey dongs
Breaking News: Donald Trump elected 45th President of the United States! I know this already came out, but I am just now believing it.
I told the judge "I discovered my wife in bed with Danny!" He said "No you didn't! Danny already knew she was there."
Having a foot long penis would be a real pain in the ass But not for me.
My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed. Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists
What are your chances of getting laid by a super religious female? Nun
Today needs to be Lobster or steak day... Because this groundhog tastes like crap!
An atheist, dyslexic insomniac spends all his nights wondering About the existence of dog.
What did the Aussie say when his friend ran out of TP? Bidet mate!
Did you know they make a divorcee Barbie now? She comes with all of Ken's stuff.
Why are you up at 6am despite wanting more sleep? SIR I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Sir Mix-A-Lot runs in 2020. He'll grab her by the tushy.
I've been secretly tossing pears at my neighbor for a couple weeks now I can hear him talking to his wife about government drones trying to drive him crazy, but he's just pear annoyed.
A cat can read the hands of a clock to know when it's nap time. It's nap time when the hours-hand is shorter than the minutes-hand.
What is the name of a motorist fan in the Netherlands? Bus van Truck
Thank god I wasn't born in China... I don't even speak Chinese!
The groundhog saw his shadow. Four more years of suck.
Mercury asked the Sun what he was. The Sun said: I'm a motherfucking star boy.
Told my friend she couldn't take critism She told me to go to hell.
What did the warring religious sects say to each other after they made peace? "Good Shiite." "See you Sunni."
As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a big black man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine. Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.
When my cat won for "Best Feline Butt", we expected to get a small plaque. But it wasn't. It was a huge catasstrophy
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a #2 pencil. (With thanks from my dad)
My pet snake just lays around and won't move I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction
Did you hear the one about fouls in Soccer? You'll get a kick out of it.
They call my penis the truth.... The truth can be a real dick sometimes
I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself.... When did I get a wife?
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
It's okay to laugh during sex but just don't point.
In the US, there is house theft every 7 seconds Doesn't that mean walls should be built around houses?
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Really blind-sided everyone. Nobody expected the Spanish Acquisition.
What is a Linux user's favorite game? sudo ku EDIT: First post with 100+ upvotes. Thanks all you people :D
An unmarried couple start a jazz band. What would they call it? Premarital sax
What do you call a constipated detective? No shit Sherlock
Yesterday an Iraqi Imam made history when he said someone in Iraq had told a lie. It was the first time a Trump supporter accepted at face value a statement form an Imam without feeling the need to reach for a gun.
What is your FAVORITE pun? Mine is, "Dogs Can't Operate a MRI Machine......but Catscan"
what do you call the god of melting ice? Thaw.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? It's okay, he worked it out with a pencil.
"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said. "Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".
What do you call a potato that becomes US President and silences the news, silences government agencies, silences government funded science and ends international treaties? A dic-tater.
The light at the end of the tunnel, Are the front lights of a train.
my wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
I've just moved into a six bedroom house with three acres of land. Don't tell the owners.
You?re one in a million China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you?re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
Why do economists exist? So accountants have someone to laugh at.
What do you call a Russian guy in a Racecar? Snowspeed xD
Guy: We need to stop testing our products on animals. Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time. Guy: Ya but we make dildos.
I used to work at a bra factory but it went bust.
On the late night train.... On a late night train, I was alone in a carriage, this pretty young thing boards. I stared at her. She snapped "what are you looking at? " I sighed. "6 to 8 years if someone else gets in this carriage."
What was Lynyrd Skynyrd's biggest hit? The ground. Follow-up line: It was a Buddy Holly cover.
What do you call a Chinese woman with no legs? Dragon lips
Did you know? Type O Blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to the lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread and is now called Type ?O? blood. I guess you could call it a typo.
Who is Donald Trump's least favourite rock band? Foreigner.
What is the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, its flag is a big plus.
Why can't you hear pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because their P is silent!
My wife always asks me: if she dies, will I remarry? And I say don't be silly honey... I never make the same mistake twice.
What did the porcupines say when they kissed? Ouch!
What's the difference between a truckload of sand and a truckload of babies? You can't unload sand with a pitchfork
What's the SI Unit for measuring Light's Weight? Hologram.
A wife walks in on her husband, in bed with another woman. "Helen, is that you?", says the husband surprised. He turns to the woman next to him. "Then who is this?"
My mechanic thinks i'm in denial over my brake fluid leak. But he's wrong; I can stop any time i want.
What do you call a Barbie on fire? A Barbecue! Be gentle. First post. And I remember making this up on a long car ride when I was just 4:)
Rucksacks are some of the most trustworthy things you'll ever own I mean, they've always got your back amirite
What do you call a women who cant make a sandwich? Single
You already know the punchline. What is the worst part about time travelling jokes?
What Kind Of Jam Would You Not Like On Your Bread? A Traffic Jam
Why doesn't the sun go to college? Because it already has 28 million degrees
What's the difference between a doll and a baby? You can't paint with a doll.
Why did George W. Bush cross the road? To ask his dad how to run the presidency.
Me: So do you like guys with low self esteem? Girl: Of course, yes, I do Me: Please don't lie to make me feel better
Why did the sailor think his wife was cheating on him? Because his boat was filled with seamen.
Why is Trump so keen to stay with the queen in the UK? He heard she has golden bathrooms and can't wait to try out the showers.
Marriage is like smoking... we believed they are good at first.
Why don't women have dirty minds? Because they're constantly changing them...
So if Trump doesn't like conversations with Turnbull and Australians don't like conversations with Turnbull, is Turnbull... ... Malcolm in the middle?
Three women are in a bar talking about how loose they are... One fits a hot dog in. The next fits a cucumber in. The last one slides down the barstool.
Cerebral Necrophelia Gives new meaning to the expression "I fucked her brains out"
To all these people telling America n Americans to go fuck themselves I think they already took care of that in November!
My secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her blouse at lunch today when she said, "remember, you have a wife."
Winter is coming. Can I watch?
What did the feminist say before shooting up a school? Trigger warning
Did you hear about the debacle at the USDA's beauty pageant? They crowned a Miss Steak.
What does somebody want most when they're stranded in the desert and their camel runs away? They want their camel bak.
Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by tossing it in water?! If it sinks... girl ant! If it floats... buoyant!
Why do melons always have big weddings? Because they cantaloupe!
If Canadians say "Ay" and Mexicans say "Si"... Why don't Americans say "B"?
If a woman sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a slut. But if a guy does the same thing, then he's gay.
Mellinials today definitely have it easier than previous generations... My grandfather had to cross the Atlantic to punch a Nazi.
Why can't you ever bang construction workers? They're excellent with man hole covers.
After many years of studying at a university, I?ve finally become a PhD Or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.
What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Michael Phelps can finish a race
Why are the cars built by communists no good? 'cause they're constantly Stalin!
Nothing I do makes any sense. I'm unemployed.
How do you keep redditors in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow.
My overdramatic girlfriend came up to me, balling her eyes out and confessed to having the most painful period she's ever had before I looked her right in the face and said "stop ovary acting"
I thought recently that I was being to hard on Trump and wanted to try to see things the way he does... So I stuck my head up my ass and I get it now.
What is the the most charitable nation? A donation.
Did you know that my alcoholic friend only weighs two pounds? Long story short, my bud light.
I want to fly But gravity is such a let down
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one who had a dream got shot.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough? He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
I went to a 4-year olds birthday party once, it was kinda awkward... ...probably because I wasn't invited...
Jay Leno walks into a bar. Bartender says "Why the really long face?"
Guy puts candy bar in shirt His dad always said to keep Twix up your sleeve.
I have the work ethic of an ox - If you tie a yoke to my shoulders and whip me until I move, I'm probably going to get a lot done.
Good part about trump being president is he will never forget toupee Sorry for the bad pun. Was off the top of my head.
What do you call a magic car? A Lambor-genie!
Why do farmers like to have sex with sheep at the edge of a cliff? They push back
I got vagina in China, got some more in Singapore, got some booty in Djibouti But I got gonorrhea in Korea.
What do you call a haemophobic vampire? A starving bat
They say you should test your fire alarm once a month... ... but it's costing me a fortune in houses!
Why did the console gamer cross the road? To render the building
I've always preferred management over human resources I guess that's just a personnel preference
What's black and white and red all over A penguin in a blender
Why is masturbating off the side of Japanese whaling ships mandatory? it's the only way to attract sperm whales.
A husband and wife are getting their first baby scan After a few minutes of silent scanning, the couple ask the doctor if anything is wrong. The doctor replies: On a positive note, your child will never struggle to find a parking space.
I once had an encounter with a Grizzly Its a long story, but just bear with me
I am a judge for peanut beauty pageants My job is pretty nuts
Dead husband A detective asks a woman, "So, your husband hanged himself?" Woman replies, "Yes, that is correct." The suspicious detective continues, "But why does he have all those bruises on his head?" "The old fool used an elastic rope!"
What is long and hard to a blonde? Grade five.
What do you call a barnyard revolt? A chicken coup.
What lives at the North Pole and takes Lithium? A bi-polar bear. [OC, circa 2005]
A man asks his wife if he can cum in her ear She said "No, it'll make me go deaf" To which he replied "Really, I always cum in your mouth and you never shut the fuck up".
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? Yeah...it was intense.
How can you tell if a lady is ready for sexy time??? You put your hand down the front of her pants, and if it feels like you're feeding a sugar cube to a horse, Hey buddy it's time to crank up the Lynard Skynard!!
I bought a Lottery ticket today Sven: "Ollie I bought a Lottery ticket today." Ollie: "It looks like it has six numbers on it. 29, 4, 42, 11, 35, 36." Sven: "What are the odds?" Ollie: "29, 11, 35."
I like my Jews just how I like my juice From concentrate.
Trump is in a paradox He needs construction workers to build the wall, but he's trying to deport all the construction workers I thought of this on the spot that's why it's bad sorry
We've had a horrible winter this year. It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.
After years of reflection I've decided to stop selling mirrors
What's the difference between horses and women? Horses shoes are practical
I hate when people ask me what I'm going to be doing in 3 years Like come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision!
If the last Wolverine movie is a cross country chase... then why isn't it called Logan's Run?
You go to the bathroom Russian. You come out American. What are you while you're in the bathroom? European.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school? He's awake now!
NSFW My SO asked me why I always make terrible puns and dad jokes I told her, "it's just gentle ribbing, you know, for your pleasure"
Why didn't barbie ever get pregnant? Because Ken always came in another box.
What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? A suicide vest gets something accomplished when triggered.
Say what you will about Donald Trump his secretaries and stuff think he is a greatest president ever Can't complain??!
What does Porsche do? Ellen.
How many police officers does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None. "He fell".
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? Because he had a miserable summer.
Did you hear about the roman fighter who ate his mother in law? Terrible indigestion but he was gladiator.
What do you get if you cross a black man with an octopus? A mean cotton-picking machine!
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man? Then he learned how to make friends.
So Donald Trump signs an Executive Order reviving the Dakota Pipeline ... He says "Look at this Italian Stripper Dakota Pipilini ... laid by 100 men in 6 months!"
What's the difference between an attractive date and a not attractive date? His bank account.
Why do engineers make horrible parents? Because they're taught to neglect everything.
What's the difference between a job interview and being hired? You can tell them you're lazy once you are hired. :)
Did you hear how Reddit banned r/altright? They pressed Ctrl+Altright+Del.
Where should children with ADHD be sent? A Concentration Camp!
What kind of underwear does the Alt-Right wear? Tighty Righties.
My wife asked if I will ever stop quoting Gangsta's Paradise The way things are going I don't know
Whats worse than finding your wife at a brothel? Finding a fucking orangutang in a brothel.
What's got two wings and an arrow? A Chinese telephone.
What do you call a dinosaur that sings? A velocirapper
The only people that look up to school shooters... ..are the students on the ground
Why is 17 referred to as the "Hot Cousin" in black jack? Because you want to hit it but you'd probably bust and everyone be pissed at you.
I always wondered why they say space smells like seared steak Then I remember the Challenger disaster
What do you call a quadriplegic moose wearing a Guy Fawkes mask? A non-knee moose! Ba-dum-tiss
Why didn't hydrogen want to room with fluorine in college? Fluorine was so electronegative all the time.
This woman just caught me looking down her top. I panicked so much I almost fell off the toilet seat.
Why did Hitler approve of his mathematicians? They were all ~z-s.
Want a new perspective that's not AltRight? Try CtrlAltRight.
In my day, men were men, and women were secretaries.
I'm a new actor and just shot a pilot... ...turns out I wasn't supposed to use a loaded gun.
Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive
30 people were waiting in line to get punched in the face... I guess you could call that the punch line.
A priest sees a self-made millionaire take some money out of the poorbox When the priest asks why, The millionaire looks down and replies "I just got divorced"
Me at my second rodeo: This ain't my first rodeo
What kind of veggies do you eat before going out to the club? Turn-Up Greens
Beyonce is pregnant! She's having twins! The media will refer to them as Bey's BeyBeys.
Sign of the times: if you win a million bucks as a contestant on "The Wall" ...they make Telemundo pay for it.
What do Spanish priests put on the communion bread? Soy sauce
What's not alright The altright
My first time on an elevator was quite uplifting... The second time was a let down.
A couple of blondes were talking about things they got while shopping So i bought a new toilet brush. Is it any good? No, not really. I think toilet paper works better.
Son: Dad, I?ve never heard you pull a joke before, have you ever pulled one? Dad: Sure son, I had to pull one back in ?97 Son: But that?s when I was born Dad: Exactly
Why did the scarecrow get an award? because he was out standing in his field.
Why did the cannibal cross the road? To get to the body shop!
How do you know if an autistic guy likes you? He looks at your shoes while he jerks off.
I found a way to make my penis 6 inches long. Fold it in half!
How did Billy Mays die? He confused his Oxi-Clean with his Cocaine.
Claustrophobia (fear of having no escape, and being closed) When you walk towards a pub, ... and you are afraid that it might be closed.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.
My girlfriend is like bread. It's easy to get a rise out of her.
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it!! How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it!
I LOVE ISIS She's my favorite Egyptian god
What did the circumference of a circle say to its diameter? Want some pi?
Hey girl, are you an integral? Because I want to substitute u for my x.
And the Lord said onto John: "Come forth John and you will receive eternal life" But John came 5th and won a toaster
Why did Trump retract claims that George Soros was behind the paid protestors that have taken to the streets since his inauguration? He was jealous that Soros had created more jobs than he had.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey
Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 52 secconds Poor bastard
Whats green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
Women call me ugly untill they find out how much money i make Then they call me ugly and poor
My friend recently took up origami... My friend recently took up origami, although he's not very good at making creases, and every time he messes up he gets angrier and angrier... Trust me, you wouldn't want to be there when it all unfolds...
What do you call an elephant crossed with a rhino? 'Eliphino?
TIL What a lay up was. Explains a lot.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's bill withers.
I try to teach my dad a new lesson every day. They say it's good to learn from your mistakes.
What do you call an Incompetent Female Arsonist? A Farcenist
What's a civilian called in military slang? A collateral damage still alive.
Remember, big brains are important... but big muscles are importanter
My Parents always told That you should learn from mistakes. That's Why they have so many books about children.
I know a farmer who likes throwing darts at his mating donkeys for fun He's a pain in the fucking ass
Had to take a drug test for Calculus. Had to take a drug test for Calc. 2 It was a P-test.
Have you guys heard of the new semen-based hair gel? It's the next generation.
Two silkworms were in a wrestling match. It ended in a tie.
Sex Doll Do muslim sex dolls blow themselves up?
A slave say to another slave... Are you free tonight?
A man saw a woman on the street and started physically abusing her She asks, "What are you doing?!" The man says "I'm hitting on you".
I just found out that Santa Clause raises livestock in between Christmas... I guess you could call him a Jolly Rancher
What's the Difference Between America and "Keeping Up With the Kardashians"? I don't even know at this point...
Whats a Mexican gangsters favorite brand of pants? Dickies. They love the way they feel on their ass.
How many dead hookers in a basement does it take to change a light bulb? I'm not sure, but it's more than four because it's still fucking dark down there
The local police station got broke into today and they stole all the toilets... The police have got nothing to go on
64% of statistics are made up 90% of you didn't know that.
Wife wanted. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
What results when you cross a Hippo and a Crocodile? Pretty sure you die.
What did Japanese-mexican name his cat? Ari-gato
I'm instructor flashbang I earned that nickname from my ex-wife I don't get it but it kinda stuck
I went on a date with a 45 year old woman. Me: Would you like a drink? Her: No thanks, I tried it once a didnt like it. Me: Oh ok, that's unusual. Her: Not really, my daughter's exactly the same. Me: Your only child I assume?
All these women on the 48 dating sites I?ve joined, seem so fucking sad and desperate.
A girl at work asks if I think she's a 10... I said "you're an 11." "Aww really?" she says with a huge smile. I said "yeah , you've got a great personality as well and that adds at least 10 points."
What's the difference between 9/11 and a Cow? America can't milk a cow for 15 years
4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed. 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.
How do oysters get around? In mussel cars.
I've got a part time job making rubberised computer keyboards. They offer flexible shifts.
I got drunk and hired a cheap lawyer last night. Think I might have contracted something...
I wish that I could buy the new iPhone... but iBroke.
Why doesn't Massachusetts have a Debate team? Because it would be called the Mass-Debate team.
Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years."
A bodybuilder named Scott A bodybuilder named Scott is working out at the gym and has just deadlifted 600 pounds, a personal best. Still holding the bar, he looks over to his trainer, who shouts: "Great, Scott!" And he replies: "I know, this is heavy."
"My name is Talia, my mother gave me that name." [NSFW] Batman: Is your first name Jenny? Coz then you'd be Jennytalia, and I hear you're a total cu**.
What is the best mexican food to eat while you're watching Netflix? andchill-adas
How many vampires showed up to the garlic eating competition? I don't know, it was countless
[OC] What do you tell a preacher when they invite you over for spaghetti dinner? "Pasta pasta, pasta." :) EDIT: Say it out loud.
There were two fish in a fish tank. The first fish said, "How do you drive this thing?" The second fish said, "Holy crap! It's a talking fish!!"
If my last name were Plate, I'd open a computer repair shop... and call it Plate Tech Tonics.
"Peace out. See you guys in four years" -Democracy
A little girl gets lost in the supermarket A security guard asks her 'What's your mum like?' 'Big cocks and vodka', replied the little girl
What do you call a soup bowl from Krypton?! Well ... *a kryptonian soup bowl*, obviously.
Beyonce Pregnant With Twins, Names Already Chosen Red and Yellow
When I was born my father said "Now I'm certain I want two children!" I was the third.
Beyonce is having twins! I wonder if they will be Red ivy and Green ivy
I wasn't sure about how to ask the love of my life to marry me So, I decided to ask her husband for advice.
Why did the chicken cross the road? He didn't because I'm vegetarian and offended.
The only thing smaller than Donald Trump's hands... The only thing smaller than Donald Trump's hands is Donald Trump's heart!
MOM! at school they tell me i'm too distracted! kid, i'm the neighbour, your house is across the street.
Back at school, I had a weird geometry teacher. He had warts all over his nose, and they had to remove a bit of his face due to an accident. You could say he had an... Irregular sir face.
What's the difference between Karl Marx and Donald Trump? Trump only advocates the seizing of a *woman's* means of production
I can't find my k+(1/4a) I guess I've lost my focus...
I tried to rob a bank using jello cast in the shape of a gun The police charged me with carrying a congealed weapon
Some people worry drinking in the shower is a sign of alcoholism I just worry about keeping the water out of my beer
Marriage is like blackjack Marriage is like blackjack. You can either hit or stay, but you can't do both
Obama was the Antichrist & Trump is a facist dictator Either America has grown more tolerant or liberals don't believe in the Antichrist.
How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black.
What is the best secret intelligence service? MI6 have strong Bonds but the CIA Trumps all.
What do you get hanging from banana trees? Long arms
Donald Trump's releasing a hip-hop song this year Going Back To Calais
What's the difference between a penis and a vagina? [NSFW] I'd say there's quite a vas deferens.
Why did the Frenchman put snails in his gas tank? To make escargot.
I would love to be a mirror cleaner. I can see myself making a living that way...
My last relationship was like Forrest Gump She was a whore and I was retarded.
Why did the Secret Service arrest the recently immigrated masseuse? They said Melania told the masseuse after he was done to give the President a fist bump, not to fist Trump.
What was Harper Lee's favourite spirit to drink when she went claypigeon shooting? Tequila Mockingbird
A man frantically walks into the doctor's office... ...and begins to shout, "I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!" "Calm down, calm down!" The doctor says. "You're two tents!"
What does the pirate sell his corn for on the side of the street? Buck an ear.
What do you call a sad marijuana pipe? Miserabowl!
You Eat What? knock knock who's there? I eat yerp I eat yerp who That's disgusting, please stop
Did you guys hear about Mike Pence? His favorite supreme Court case is Nix v. Hadden involving the federal classification of the tomato. It's cause he loves when the government turns fruits into vegetables.
What are the two most important holes in a womans body? No!! Not them you dirty bastards!!!! Its her nostrils...they allow her to breathe while she's sucking your dick.
I fingered my girlfriend during her period Her parents caught me red handed.
What's the difference between a near death experience and a booty call? One is ducking fate and the other is a...
Why was the broom late? It overswept!
What's the favorite food of infinity. Cocaine. Cos it's a high number.
Did you hear about the rebellious Hebrew child? He went out and got stoned with his mates.
There's a rumor going around that someone in my group of friends is gay... I hope it's Josh, he's pretty cute.
Been reading a fascinating memoir about Latino street culture. It's a collection of esÈs.
I'm thinking about moving to Switzerland... For a couple of reasons, but their flag is a big plus.
Who is Pitbulls favorite sports icon? Dale! Earnhardt Jr.
What do you call a fake TV bought on craigslist? A video-con.
What do you do when a chemist dies? You barium.
Why is a cat like a joke? If you dissect it, it dies.
What kind of table is good for your health? A vegetable! This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece! It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me.
How does Princess Leia like her showers? Lukewarm.
The other day I had food poisoning And I had diarrhea for a whole week. I shit you not
I haven't lost my virginity yet... Because i never lose
What would the name be of a magician duo containing a chicken and a deaf woman? Hen and Keller.
My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn?t build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
That day in lab I nearly made a science joke ...but my friend said Na.
Did you hear about the new tax law Trump has issued? I don't know much about it but it seems tariff-eyeing.
TIFU by accidentally giving my girlfriend my sandwich that had extra cheese when she's lactose intolerant Whoops, wrong sub.
What did the number 0 say to the number 8? "Nice belt."
I feel very akward when I watch dance instruction videos. Always staring at the feet.
Where does the king keep his armies? In his sleevies
My girlfriend broke up with me cause I stole her wheelchair But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.
Yo mama so fat Aliens thought she was our Dyson Sphere
People say I'm superficial ...but that's just on the surface.
Where do Christians go after throwing up? Heave'in
What do you call a homeless horse? Unstable.
A drunk guy looks at a wanted poster... And thinks 'why would they let him go after clicking the pic'
Backstage at Project Runway, Tim walked past me holding some coffee. I said, "Hey, Gunn, where you going with that joe in your hand?"
It's still hard to take Trump seriously. For some reason I get the feeling he's just Putin us on.
Why did a banana go to the doctor? because he wasnt.. peeling well hahahah (ill find the door)
I used to date a girl that only had one leg... Her name was Ilene and she worked at IHOP
My girlfriend is a Trump supporter who ran out of breakfast bread. She lacks toast and tolerance.
What do you call the hair on a cows lip? A Moo-stache. > The perks of having too much free time in a call center.
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob... "We need to pick ourselves up otherwise everyone will think we're nuts"
Did you hear about that mentally disabled kid who shoved a burger up his ass? I think he's got assburger syndrome.
After a long day of eroding civil rights, Donald can't wait to get home and remove Melania's panties. She really gets upset when he stretches them out.
You get the most from a Women's Studies degree when you... ...spend a semester studying abroad.
What is Snoop's favorite contraction? We'd
A prostitute asks her doctor if he could drill another hole next to her ass. The surprised doctor asks why...? "Business is going well, I want to open another branch" she replied.
I keep wanting to try Kraftig... But the last time Germans talked about purity my ancestors had to flee the continent.
What do French people do on Valentine's Day? They d'Èclair their love to each other.
a priest, rabbi and, caliphate walk into a bar they woke up in the hospital with a concussion.
Doors of my house are open for you always. Get out!
Difference between twins I've fucked a set of twins. People have asked me how hard it was to tell them apart, but it was actually quite easy. You see, Caroline was a redhead with an amazing pair of tits, And frank had a cock.
A police officer's Siamese twin brother was a criminal... He was con fused.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.
Stop posting Chuck Norris jokes on the Internet. Chuck Norris will delete the internet.
I am a loyal man. When I go out shopping with my mom, I don't look at other moms.
Rumor has it there's a basketball court on the roof of the Supreme Court building. It's the highest court in the land.
What is the difference between me and trash? Nobody takes me out
I didn't know what to get my mother for Christmas I turned to my colleagues and asked what I should get for her when my boss says "Get her some slippers and a dildo, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and fuck herself"
I went to the doctors about my hearing.. I went to the doctors about my hearing and the doctors asked me "Can you describe the symptoms?" I said "Yeah, Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair"
Man walks into a restaurant and asks the waiter "what's the special today?" Waiter replies "Oasis soup" - Man: "why is it called Oasis soup?" Waiter replies "cos you get a *roll with it*"
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you.. You have my Word.
The weirdest thing I've heard during sex is "Cum inside me." I got pretty freaked out. Why? Hands don't talk.
What do you call a round table meeting of a bunch of chronic masturbators? A circumference BADUMTSS
What makes me a good scottish man? **Well if i were a bad scottish man,i wouldn't have been discussing this with ya now would i?**
what do you get when you cross a bison with a duck? buffalo bill
Where do dogs go when they lose their tail? To the retail store
What do you can an acoholic dwarf? Just a little drunk.
I got arrested the other day after police found me covering a boy with melted sugar I was charged with child molassation
I told my teacher to tell a joke He said "Want me to announce your grades?"
I'm not addicted to drinking brake fluid.... I can stop any time I want.
Two silk worms are in a wrestling match It ended in a tie.
Black History Month A kid in my class asked why we had a Black History Month and not a White History Month. I told him we had eleven.
They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life" They are darn right, that field isn't hiring!
Why does Donald Trump wear such a long tie? It's his leash.
My grandfather had a heart of a lion... and also a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Hitler was caught jacking off by a dead jew. Hitler: Oh no, I did Nazi you there.
I used to have a pet leech. It was attached to me.
Can't blame Monica Lewinsky for getting her dress dirty... I'm sure she just didn't see it coming...
the ghostly act of not respecting your equals disapeer
I have one advice to the people of /r/NoFap Go fuck yourself.
What would Reddit do for a Klondike bar? OP's mom.
I need to stop making autism jokes But the repetition is just too soothing
Did you hear about the girl that was dating an Eskimo? She broke it off.
Moses doesn't mind period sex. He's used to being in the red sea.
Yesterday I killed a pair of pigeons with an unmanned flying device. You could say I killed two birds with one drone!
Did you hear that Gregor Mendel never finished any of his work? That's right! No punnett ended
What is the year of good eyesight? The Year 2020
Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because, if they flew over the bay, they would be called bagels.
What type of joke is the best joke? A Communist joke, because everyone gets it.
What do you call a dual stand up act on their periods? comoody
Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son? Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son? Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa Edit: Can't believe i got 1000 upvotes , Thanks Dad
What's the fastest food in the world? Scone
My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice Must be why I'm an only child Edit: First time on front page thanks guys!
Why shouldn't the number 288 ever be said in public? Because it's too gross
I like going for a jog at night The fear of getting murdered really helps my stamina.
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR!
They say you can?t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein ? he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!
Know why Mexico doesn't have a good Olympic team? Anybody that can run, jump, or swim is already in the U.S.
What's the difference between a co-pilot and a duck? The duck can fly. EDIT: this is a pilot joke - I obviously know that co-pilots can fly
You must be calcium You make my bone hard.
What do Pizzas & parents have in common? If they're black, you have nothing to eat.
Two Men walk into a bar... The third one ducked.
What do you call a disagreeable Russian Sasquatch? A Nyeti.
Caught my wife receiving oral sex from our refrigerator again. I'll never buy another Kelvinator
Despair. What a Jamaican gets when he's bowling.
What do you call a colour doing a chemistry degree? Cyantific.
I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me. She was lack-toes intolerant.
Can someone get me a new calendar? Mayan ended
How often do guinea pigs have sex? Once a wheek wheek wheek wheek!
Why does the man with fake hair never carry around his wallet? Because he never expects to toupee anything
I hate gravity... It's always putting me down
What was the last thing to cross Paul Walker's mind? The windshield
How does an angry Mexican season his food? ...With a pinche salt
A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar The bartender says "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything"
Can?t believe how much my girlfriend is crying about her new haircut Its much worse for me, I?m the one who?s gonna have to find a new girlfriend now.
What's the difference between oranges and babies? I don't fuck the oranges after I skin them.
Why did the blind man cross the street ? At least he tried ......
What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera? Phil Ming
2 flies on a terd 1 fly farts and the other says 'do you mind I'm eating'
Before leaving, my mother asked me, "How long will you be travelling through Scandanavia?" I replied, "Until I'm Finnished."
Gay dating is hard when you only like pessimists. I'm not interested in positive men.
what do you call gangster spaghetti spaghetto
What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
Why can't Google maps hold down a solid relationship Because it's always looking for the quickest possible route
What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common? They both have to smell it but neither of them gets to eat it. :(
A man with no hands walks into a palm reader's business The palm reader looks at him and says, "well, I'm stumped."
What do you call a white bear that can't push? A polar bear.
What did the man ask the Jamaican Chef? "What Jamaican?"
If I had a dollar for every time a woman didn't show interest in me They'd probably eventually show interest in me
Two elephants were watching a naked man... One elephant turned and asked the other, "How the hell does he eat with that thing!"
Trump said "I am going to drain the swamp and take on the establishment"
My favourite job has always been giving stupid people advice. Hello! You clicked! What do you want to know?
Who's Going to Pay For the Wall? Mexico Mexic Mexi Mex Me
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito will stop sucking after you slap it.
If two people having sex is called a twosome..... Then now i know why they call you handsome ;)
President Trump's choice for Supreme Court Justice is strongly opposed to euthanasia. I wonder what he's got against kids in the Orient?
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician? He didn't count on this...
Bad taste Did you hear Donald Trump is putting a ban on telecommunications from the middle east! It's called the Teleban.
Someone asked what my favorite band was... if I'm being subjective, I'd say The Who. if I'm being objective, I'd say The Whom.
Sally can't sell seashells down by the seashore anymore... She was busted for conch-traband.
I heard Michael J. Fox is getting his own cooking show... The show is called, "Shake and Bake".
What do you call Batman when he skips out on church? Christian Bale
What's the difference between a man and a government bond? The bond matures!
My doctor told me I need fewer trans fats in my life... Looks like it's time to delete Tumblr.
What could US Senate learn from Trump's wives? A two-thirds' majority decided to ditch him.
How do you fuck 118 million Americans with one dick? Elect him president edit: 318 million, not 118
My Friend Recently has been attaching balloons to everything he sees. I mean seriously, you can't make this stuff up.
I'm furious! racist tech support just called me asian All I said was my drivers keep crashing
Did you hear about the German man who was up to no good? I heard he has a severe guten allergy.
A man walks up to his friend and says, "I'm getting sick of being single." The friend replies "well there's a lot of sea in the fish.... and that sea is full of men."
[NSFW] I'm so sad, my favorite dating site is shutting down Disney has announced they are shutting down Club Penguin. =(
What do you call a sick painting? An Ill-ustration.
MOM! I'm being called gay in school. Who is calling you that son? A bunch of cute boys.
What do you call a werewolf that doesn't know he's a werewolf? An unawarewolf.
What are Steve Bannon's favorite flowers? Gin blossoms.
What has 8 wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
I like my apples how I like my clown hookers: Red, yellow, green and devoid of worms.
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy.
I beat Anorexia today People keep coming up with weirder names for their children.
Do you spell it Palindrome or Palendrome? Cause I've heard it both ways.
George Bush and his competitor got into a fist fight... I got to say, it was Al Gore...
What hangs at a mans thigh... What hangs at a mans thigh, and wants to poke a hole, that it's poked many times before? A key
My landscaper is also a paramedic He told me he makes more money mowing my lawn than he would finding me on my lawn having a heart attack.
What is the most controversial topic in the pirate world? Aarghbortion
What did two oceans say to each other? Nothing, they just waved.
My wife hates it when I'm on the toilet She says it brings out the worst in me
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest? The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18.
A wife is yelling at her husband. "Get out of the house! I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!" As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!" The guy says: "So hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?"
What do Reddit and elections in third world countries have in common? They both have a reasonable voting cutoff of six months
Presidential politics is a lot like comedy. In the early days you?re going to bomb.
What do you call A anorexic girl with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.
What do you call something that has a small hole, is tasty, and covered in my cum? A glazed donut.
If you think that move is going to work, you've got another thing coming. And it won't be me!
America has a bad case of priapism... An elect dick that lasts for at least four years.
TIL: Many medieval surnames like Fletcher or Cooper refer to the patriarch's traditional occupation. I guess I won't be marrying Mr. Dickinson.
Why were the twin towers sad? Because they ordered pepperoni pizza and got plane.
Sex is like homework I only do it when my teacher forces me to.
What to do you call someone that doesn't eat meat OR vegetables? Dead
Do you know what Disney song is really deep? Under The Sea.
Me: *Playing Ouija board* Me: What's your name? Ouija Board: I H A V E A B O Y F R I E N D
Co-Op is good for your resume. Sure it might be hard to coop with the workload, but instead of starting a job, you'll be resuming one.
Roses are red, Violets ate blue New Yorkers are polite So fuck you too.
I saw a documentary on erections... It tackled some really hard subjects.
A guy shoots a random man on the street. Cop: "Did you kill this man?" Guy: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."
What do foxes breathe? Foxygen
Two wrongs don't make a right... ...just look at your parents.
Why did Mel Gibson walk into a bar at 9am? He overslept.
Damn my wife is disgusting. I went downstairs to piss in the sink, and it was full of dishes!
I just got the lead in a silent film I?m absolutely speechless
You know what we think is funny... When I look into the mirror and we both laugh
What's the last thing Gable Tostee's Tinder date said to him before walking on his apartment balcony? Cash me ousside, howbow dah?
Have you ever had sex while camping? It's fucking intense.
What do you call someone who sexually assaults avocados? A Guacamolester Sorry for the shitty taco tuesday joke......not really.
Who is the best member of the communist version of the Beatles? John Lenin
What do a sÈance and a laxative have in common? They're both used to make things come forth!
I just read Trump's book "The Art of the Deal" It had four Chapter 11's.
What do you get when you put a contagion in Nevada? Las Plague-as
Whoever invented the knock knock joke should receive a no-bell prize
So an emo teenager went to grocery store. He went up to the cashier and said, pointing to his scarred arm "Hey, can you scan this?" The cashier then scans the arm, only to say, "I'm sorry sir, but this item is worthless"
I was born handsome, charming witty and wise I'm also a compulsive liar, but I think it evens out.
Possession is nine-tenths of the law The maxim of daemon lawyers everywhere
What do you call a bacterial assassin? Tumerculosis
How much is trump's life insurance worth? One Pence
How does Chuck Norris flush the toilet? He doesn't. He scares the shit out of it.
Trump doesn't seem to have a problem... ...fucking immigrants.
Where are the most waffles dropped on the beach? San Diego.
Violence is never the answer Violence is the question The answer is yes
I had a really successful sex change. I'm having more sex than I did last year.
I like my women like I like my underwear Drenched in blood and feces.
What does my first car and anal have in common? I didn't want it, but my dad gave it to me anyways.
A person goes to r/Jokes And finds nothing but original content
I was gunna make a joke but then I took an arrow to the knee
An 80s singer caught himself on fire, what does he do? Stop, Drop, and Rick-Roll
What furniture store did the murderer shop at? I KEA
Can a Toyota stretch? No, but a Mercedes-Benz
Knock knock Me: Knock knock! Reddit-user: Who's there? Me: To. Reddit-user: To who? Me: To whom*
Trump is that lobster smart enough to get out of the saucepan to turn off the heat! Trudeau is the lobster that reaches out for the seasoning!
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax? For Hispanic attacks!
Having a religion is like having a penis It's okay to have one, but just don't go around shoving it down people's throats.
I wish people would stop saying the husbands of the women who marched didn't get a sandwich that day. Have you seen those women? No way any of them have a husband.
Why does China like Trump so much? They built a great wall hundreds of years ago and they still don't have any Mexicans.
What do you call a Canadian shoe? A boot.
Always borrow money from pessimists. They won't expect you to pay them back.
At my high school if idiots could fly... it would be a fucking airport.
How do you get an grammer nazi's attention? That. That is how.
What did the alien say after anally probing the earthling? I come in peace.
I play triangle in a reggae band I just stand at the back and ting
What did Doctor Who say to his wife? It's bigger when it's inside.
Where do the world's most misleading people go to commit suicide? Sahr Chasm
Later tonight I might have consensual sex with my wife. ..if she's up for it.
"Ain't" is like a Swiss Army knife It's got a lot of uses but you can't use it in school.
Why did the cucumber get embarrassed? Because it saw the salad dressing.
Trump discovered the lost spice girl... Stupid Spice
People told me getting my girlfriend a refridgerator for her birthday present was a bad idea. But her face lit up when she opened it.
I never realized how artistic horses used to be Today someone told me there used to be horse drawn carriages everywhere...
Diets are like relationships... They get easier if you allow yourself a cheat day
What's the difference between men and women? Boobs Ba dum tits.
Why do bulemics like Kentucky Fried Chicken? Because it comes with a bucket.
What do you call someone with no body or nose? Nobody knows
She flew into a Rage and punched me in the jaw!! "I THOUGHT YOU WERE TAKING ME TO CLNIQUE!! Oh honey no. I said I was taking you to a clinic.
So I went to see the doctor the other day And told him that I have a poop problem. Doctor: Okay now tell me what's going on. Me: Everyday I poop at 8:00 in the morning Doctor: Okay so what's the problem Me: I wake up at 9.
What's similar between people who comment "have an upvote!" and extreme feminists? Nobody cares about either
A man with no carnal desires walks into a Freudian psychoanalyst's office The psychoanalyst stops him and says, "hey, buddy, I'm gonna need to see some id."
Buzzfeed Top 10 least conductive items! Number 6 won't shock you
What do you call a single black mother? A black widow.
Did anyone hear what happened to the paraplegic at the disco? He got kicked out for arsing around
Eating pasta by myself.. makes me cannelloni.
A pirate walks into a bar... With a ships wheel attached to the front of his pants. The bartender says "Hey captain did you know you have a wheel on your crotch?" The captain growls and says "Arg it's driving me nuts!"
To Mexicans: why should you stop exporting cheese to America? Because Trump is Nacho President
The weird thing about men is that, as they get older the begin wearing their pants higher and higher. My great-grandpa got so old he had to unzip just to talk to us!
Remember, an NAND gate is an AND gate... ... but NOT
A blind man walks into a bar.... then a table, and then a chair.
Annoying Orange has 5 million subscribers, but has long since reached its peak. Now he's president of the United States.
Why didn't the bear have any friends? His personality was unbearable!
TIL that the guy who played Captain Kirk has set up a chain of clothing shops especially for older ladies. It's called Shatner Pants
My wife asked me where I wanted to be buried. Although I'm pretty sure "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she wanted to hear.
An old lady at the bank asked me if I could check her balance So I pushed her over
Ever wonder how many puppeteers there are in the world? Probably only a handful!
My grandpa has the heart of a lion... which is what happens when there aren't enough organ donors.
A cabbie was part of the protest #deleteuber and so he drove to JFK. When he got there no one was around. The protesters were all at the airport but he had shown up at JFK's grave.
Whats the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating? Your ears
There's an emo in my Web Development class, she's doing a website about jewellery Her first page was /Wrists
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? Halfway.
What did batman say to robin before they got in the car? "Get in the car."
Ladies and Gentlemen... Madeleine McCann! World Hide and Seek Champion 2007!
My wife and I were happy for 20 years Then we met each other.
Did you hear about the movie Constipation? It hasn't come out yet.
What type of fruit is always complaining about their lack of freedom in society? The Cant-eloupe
A man walks into a bar... The man is a muslim and the bar is in the U.S.
Sometimes I wish I was a baker. Then I would be rolling in dough.
Women are like spaghetti... They're straight until they're wet
Sometimes my humour grows so dark, It starts gathering cotton in africa. .. I feel awful now.
Betsy DeVos passed her Senate Confirmation hearing... and I, for one, am DeVostated.
Love is like a Fart If you've got to force it it's probably shit!
I'd hate to grow up to be a geologist. Because I'd always be taken for granite.
What did the man say after his Tripod fell down for the fifth time in a row? I can't stand this anymore
Donald Trump is a good Christian So then can someone explain why he wrote an executive order that literally would ban Jesus (who comes from the middle east)?
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip
the best girlfriend What's the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people.