corrade-lsl-templates – Rev 15
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I hate how you cant even say black paint anymore Now I have to say "Leroy can you please paint the fence?"
What's the difference between a Jew in Nazi Germany and pizza ? Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven . I'm so sorry.
I recently went to America.... ...and being there really helped me learn about American culture. So I visited a shop and as I was leaving, the Shopkeeper said "Have a nice day!" But I didn't so I sued him.
You hear about the University book store worker who was charged for stealing $20,000 worth of books? He got caught trying to sell the two books to a freshman.
Why is it unknown on how pterodactyls urinate especially during flight? Because the p is silent.
Why women need legs? To avoid leaving tracks like a snail while walking.
I walked into a PETA adoption center and the receptionist asked me what kind of dog I wanted Apparently "Whatever's low in cholesterol" was not the right answer.
How did TV studios make words appear on screen before computers? Character actors!
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You follow his fresh prints.
Remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents said, "I'll give you a reason to cry"? I always thought they were gunna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
Remember, you can't spell Valentine's Day without... ... Anal Destiny.
Happy try not to jump off a bridge day! Oh and it's also Valentines day
My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."
If I get a bird I'm naming it Trump cuz all they do is Tweet
I was going to get a headjob for Valentines Day But my back was sore and I couldn't reach.
What do you call an exercise machine with a strobe light? An epileptical.
My dad has a heart of a lion ...and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork. But the bigger, heavier ones are delivered by a crane.
A monkey is getting stoned in a zoo... Welcome to India
What did the mommy bean say to her son when he asked for money? I dont have any, go ask your fava
When You Break Up At 11:59 Tonight And save $300 instantly.
I wanted to buy an Audi. But I can't A4'd it.
I'm Trying to Remember The Name of A Song It's about a girl with amnesia talking to her Grandmother. The lyrics are "Oh, Nana, What's My Name?"
What are minorities? Lesser people.
Did you hear that Donald Trump is technically a plant? Because all of his cells have built a wall.
i had trouble swallowing a viagra last night my neck was stiff for 4 hours
What is the king of all school supplies? The Ruler
Why did the producers of 007 films use government debt to fund their newest film? Because interest in the Bond is so low.
Pocket empty day ! Happy pocket empty day.
I want to see that new movie coming out with Scarlett Johannson& &but she probably isn't available.
Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese Girl? You have to drop the Bomb twice before she gets the Message.
Site of the 2017 Dane county massacre. All that is left after tens of snowmen were brutally melted on this spot by a massive indifferent ball of fire.
He fucked what? A small child asks his father: Boy: Dad, where did I come from? Dad: The Stork, son. Boy: what's wrong with you dad? Your wife is so gorgeous yet you're out fucking The Stork?
My wife wants to eat somewhere shes never eaten before for V-Day I told her she should try the kitchen
There are two types of people The ones who bang on the wall, And the ones who bang on the wall because I'm banging my girlfriend on the wall
Why did the computer squeak? Someone stepped on its mouse.
i found a place where the recycling rate is 98%. Your moms bed.
I feel so bad for the necrophiliac's sister She died a virgin but she sure wasn't buried one
What's the difference between you and a Calendar? A Calendar has a date on Valentine's day.
Julian Lennon messed up breakfast He tried to make eggs. He broke the yoke. Yoke! Oh! Oh no!
I found a place where the recycling rate is 100% This post.
Roses are gray. Violets are gray. I'm a dog. Happy Valentine's Day!
I hear the Mexicans are planning an attack on America Don't worry, we have our Trump card.
I bought my friend an elephant for their room. They said thank you. I said don't mention it.
You're laughing because I'm laughing. But I'm laughing braces I just farted.
This guy proposed to his wife after walking away from a terrible car accident without a scratch. He said "Life's too short and it can end at any time." She said "Honey, we've been married for 7 years. I think you have amnesia."
TIL you can drink lava But only once
First woman on mars. Houston we have a problem...OK what is it? If you don't know already I am not going to tell you. You wouldn't understand.
Recipe idea: rosemary and thyme lamb, without the thyme. I give you, "The Lamb That Thyme Forgot"
What are the two most common names of Mexican fire-fighter? JosÈ and Hose B.
Ice Cube was asked if there was a rock band from the 80's of which he would have sex with all the members of... ... and he said "Fuck the Police"
Bad Advertisement Apparently using the words "Never opened" is no good, when trying to sell a parachute..
Roses are red. Cacti are thorny I just can't help that You make me horny
These reports of a major snowstorm hitting the Northeast don't concern me. It's all just flake news.
Those ads actually ran. Yep, that's the joke. Funny how reality has become a joke.
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today Should have cooked it on aloha temperature
Why is the camel called the ship of the desert? Because its full of Arab semen.
What does a women say after having 3 orgasms in a row? Yeah I figured you wouldn't know.
The towns being evacuated under the Oroville Dam all voted Pro-Trump. Clearly those people love to live in constant fear of disaster.
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don't know... but the flag is a big plus. <È<
A milestone Is one mile closer to the stone.
I floss religiously. I do it on Christmas and Easter.
I used to think everyone on 4chan was a virgin, But this Guy Fawkes.
What part of the house got busted for drugs? The attic
Manager : So do you think you'd be a good waiter? Me : well, you could say I bring a lot to the table.
An optometrist asks a woman out on a date I have a couple of ideas: 1: Dinner 2: Movies 1 or 2? 1.. 2..? 1..... or 2?
Did you hear about the Chinese godfather? He made him an offer he couldn't understand.
A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar The bartender sighs and says; "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian.
Scientists have been trying to talk to dolphins for years. One day it just clicked.
They say only men and lesbians can be funny... Must be something in the pussy they're eating
What?s long and hard and full of semen? A Submarine.
Dad, how do you know if someone is drunk? Dad: Look son, you see those two people walking by?, if I had seen 4, I would've been drunk. Son: But dad, there's only one person.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his/her door? He/she wanted to win the no-bell prize.
I thought of the first Fleshlight As it turns out it already existed but i came to it on my own
Why are the dinosaurs afraid of Gordon Ramsey? He took a bite from one of his prey and complained that it was "FUCKING RAAAAAAWWWWW!"
A lot of women turn into great drivers... So if you're a great driver, look out for women who are turning.
Valentines Day Flowers Blonde #1: Oh how I hate when he brings me flowers. All night I'll be on my back with my legs in the air. Blonde #2: Don't you own a vase?
#1 Uconn women's team going for historic 100th consecutive team in a sold out stadium against #6 South Carolina Espn2
Did you hear the outrage over the rapist getting four years? And he gets to live in the White House to boot!
Sure Fire Pickup Line ?Get in the car bitch&&I got a gun!?
Why did Michael Brown cross the road? He didn't. He's dead.
The term OP on r/Jokes Is pretty ironic
I'm an avid supporter of the Flat Earth Society! I always have heated debate about it with my friend residing in the other hemisphere.
People in California... At first, people in California were like "Oh, we don't have enough water!" and now they're like "Oh, we have too much water!" ___ They can't make up their *dam* minds.
I took ribeye to the top of Everest... The steaks could not be higher.
Why do the riot police show up at concerts early? To beat the crowd.
Would you say 5 plus 7 is 13 or 5 plus 7 are 13?
My substitute teacher had diarrhea... She couldn't control her Pewp Hole.
YEE HAWWW LETS ROUND UP ALL THEM DIRTY N- Crowd : D:< Me: Nazis. . . . . Crowd: *Sigh of relief* Me: Especially Hans . . . . .Fuck Hans.
Police arrested two guys in the riots. One for looting batteries, the other for throwing fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.
A bitch ate my cookie, now the bitch is dead Apparently chocolate is bad for dogs
Have you heard of the new LGBTQ Music Awards? Yeah, they?re going to name it ?The Trannies?
Why did the hungry baby calf cross the road? To get to the udder side.
I got kicked out of a grocery store... for taking a leek in the vegetable aisle.
What do you say to a Woman with no arms or legs? Nice Tits.
[NSFW] Did you hear about the guy whose house was overrun with cats? Apparently it was more pussy than he could handle.
I am going out with my valentine tonight I wish I could post it on different sub
I've been suffering from an extreme form of memory loss alt-zheimers
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Did you hear about the hostage situation at the spice factory? They used a cumin shield.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.
I first realized we were a poor family when on my birthday I asked for the new sweet iphone. And got a candy apple.
If Harry Potter were about pirates: "It's Levi-O-sARRRRRRR"
When m'y girlfriend said let's not bother and do nothing this year for valentine's day I agreed and realised way later that included sex
It's hard to believe I can smoke five cigarettes on a two mile walk to work... But it's not that I'm a chainsmoker, it's just the COPD makes me walk really slow.
My wife told me "For Valentine's Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace" So I got her nothing.
US Politics are Hillaryous.
Women are time and money Women = time " money Time is money Women = money^2 Money is the root of all evil Therefore Women = Evil
What's a ninjas favorite drink? WWWAAAATTTAAAAr...
A pecan walks into a library... The librarian says, "so do you live in one of those little round houses? Pecan says, in a nutshell, yeah!
I used to be a fan... But now I'm just an air conditioner.
I was looking for the perfect Valentine's Day card when something caught my eye. One of the cards said "I love you and only you" I know this doesn't sound strange but it was a pack of 20 cards
My wife is very anti-kids and I finally got her to agree on how many kids we'll have We're having two litters.
Donald Trump makes the best deals. Right now he's negotiating for a better interest rate on Daylight Savings Time.
3 old ladies are sitting on a bus The first one says - it's windy. Second one says - it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday. Third one says - yea, I'm thirsty too, we should buy something to drink.
You know your girlfriends a keeper If she wears gloves, soccer jersey and cleats
I've never done drugs before. I sidled up to the local drug dealer on the corner ... can I get an ounce of cocaine? look pal, I only sell grams! fuck it, give us an ounce of grams then!
Whats 12 inches long, purple and makes women scream in the middle of the night? Crib death
I need help writing a BDSM joke. I'm having trouble working out all the kinks.
Whats black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron
When did the man know it was time to dump his fat GF? When he realized it just wasn't going to work out.
How do you know if you have a high sperm count? She chews before she swallows.
So I'm dating this girl who has a twin sister, and one night I got confused and ended up fucking her dad... :/
Roses are red Violets are blue I?ve got genital warts soon you will too
My girlfriend doesn't know any Metallica songs She couldn't name One
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
You know how you can cut wood just by looking at it? You saw it. You saw it with your own two eyes.
A nurse walks up to the Doctor The nurse walks up to the doctor and asks... Doc, what are you doing? Doc says... I'm writing a prescription. Nurse says, but you're holding your thermometer. Doc looks at her and says God Damn it some asshole has my pen
I met a Soldier that survived Mustard Gas and Pepper spray He was a seasoned Veteran
How do you castrate Vladimir Putin? Kick Donald Trump in the chin.
Why did the Ancient Egyptians build Great Pyramids? Because their Great Igloos melted.
Knock knock KNOCKIN ON HEAVENS DOOOWUUUWAAAAAAA
What type of investment do chemists prefer? They have an affinity for bonds.
Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. D J Trump: Fake News!
What do you call a lesbian cavewoman? A Troglodyke!
What did one boat say to the other? Are you up for a little row-mance?
Trump is suing Male enhancement giant Viagra.. He says it's a rigged erection
Michael Flynn bumps into Donald Trump Pardon me.
How do Mexicans feel about Trumps wall? They're already over it.
an American and a Australian are in the trenches the American asks: did you come here to die the Australian says back: no i came here yesterday
Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise? "No". I thought not. It's not a story the jedi would tell you.
Communism. Master race.
I bought a dozen cup-cakes from a bakery. I got them home, opened the box and thought... that's odd.
An Irish man walks into a builders merchant He gets a tin of paint and puts it on the counter, then pays the cashier; the cashier asked if he'd like a bag for it. He says: "don't you worry, it's fine in the tin"
I used to hate the ballet Now I just watch like nobody's dancing.
Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park the other day? He woke up.
After the death The Monkees' Davy Jones... I'd like to offer mickydolenzes to his family.
What does Doc Brown say when he tastes good booze? "Great scotch!"
How do you find a blind guy at a nudist colony? It's not hard...
In honor of Valentine's Day - what's better than a rose on a piano? Tulips on an organ.
Have you ever gone out on a first date and she tells you she never sleeps with anyone until at least the third date? That's just her way of getting two more dates out of you.
As a musician, I've learned the best way to win a Grammy... ...is to not release your music in the same year as Adele.
Life is like a diploma My parents keep telling me to get one.
What do you call Adele's groupies? The infadeles
What do you call a person in love with a pie Piesexual!
What do you get when you spell the word "man" backwards Flashbacks
Why did the white girl count by odds to ten? Because she can't even
I found a place where the recycling rate is 52% Switzerland
The Oroville dam catastrophe is Trump's fault No manmade structure was designed to hold back that many liberal tears
Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So people don't confuse them with feminists.
How do you encourage a bear to eat cheese? C'mon bear!
What'd the cowboy say when he walked into the German car dealership? Audi...
I went to the house I grew up in and wanted to look around I knocked on the door and asked if I could, the people just slammed the door in my face. My parents can be so rude sometimes.
Why was the orchestra teacher angry? Her students were pizzing her off.
I just finished the first semester in college and here is a list of things I failed at: 1.) The 1st semester
Did you hear about the bakery that spent too much on cakes? They ended up with an antoinette loss!
My mother said that I'm indecisive I couldn't understand where that came from, so I asked people. "It's because you like both dogs and cats" said my boyfriend. "No, no, no. It's because she likes both tea and coffee" said my girlfriend.
Please pray for my daughter's soul She was born a red head.
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it. I'm sorry. My mom taught me that joke and told me that every birthday and it's my birthday today.
What's Trump's least favorite periodic element? Just Tin
Jon: walks out from the bathroom- "Hey man sorry I took so long, I was just fixing my hair" Me: "Then what happened? Did you decide not to give a fuck??"
The last man sat in a room. There was a knock at the door... It was a lawyer. Edit: The last human on Earth.
I would like to propose a toast! For honor... If you can get honor. Stay honor. But if you can't come in her, Come honor. For honor!!
How deep do the Sandusky genes run? All the way to boys size 12.
Yo mamma's so stupid She tried to use politics to determine if a vector field was conservative.
My wife left me after being seduced by an Asian guy. He's a real Dong Wong. I'll just show myself out...
What's the difference between a playing card and Africa? One is the ace of spades, the other is the space of aids.
What do all women at the womens marches have in common? They don't want the D
What's the seamonster's favourite meal? Fish & Ships
Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows? They're making headlines
I'm really torn on abortions... On the one hand, I support it because it's killing babies. On the other hand, it gives women a choice.
The environment is so bad. Dihydrogen monoxide now covers 70% of Earth.
How do you get stuck bubble gum out of your hair? Cancer!
I ran over a Deer.... ....dear dear old man
When is pasta month? I need to mark my colander.
I hate when people misuse "it's" and "its" Tits very annoying
TIL: 80% of people will believe a fact if it has a percentage in it Or so I've been told
TIFU by being dyslexic and kidnapping 42 people Sorry, wrong bus.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A Brick.
If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember... that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.
Why is everyone scared of my hard drive? Because it has a terabyte.
What was the most destructive dinosaur of the prehistoric era? *Tyrannosaurus Wrecks*
What advice did the family therapist give to Jerry Sandusky Jr.? Always remain in-touch with the community.
Tomorrow, I'm going to go to my girlfriend, get on one knee, present flowers and a ring, and say... "My love for you is like these flowers and this ring. It's gonna wither and die by the end of the month and is also insanely overvalued."
How did you know that the exterminator was attracted to termites? Because he pitched a tent whenever he saw one...
Is your refrigerator running? If it's not, you better check the connections on the back, or call a maintenance guy. Hopefully you didn't lose power. I'd make sure to get it figured out soon so your food doesn't go bad.
Why isn't Hitler playing in Esports? I wonder why Hitler haven't been invited to a Epsorts event yet. His KD ratio was 6,000,000 to 1.
I might've just wrote the greatest joke of all time. But I think I'm gonna wait until someone else posts it here first though...
Why is Fiora always banned? Great Reposte no counterplay.
Can February march??? No, but April may.
What's the best way to get bubblegum out of your hair? Cancer.
What do you call her when St. Nick's wife dumps him to join a biker gang? A rebel without a Claus.
You're a very beautiful girl ... and you have a nice personality and a beautiful smile Girl: you just wanna get into my pants Boy: you're intelligent as well.
Why are women attracted to intelligent men? Opposites attract
I'm obsessed with pushing my penis between my legs and pretending I'm a woman. It all started when my dad used to tuck me in at night.
Why should you always use your middle finger on a woman? Because a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
I didnt like my beard at first Then it really grew on me.
Are you Samarium, Arsenic, and Hydrogen? because I want to SmAsH
What kind of planes do rappers fly? Spitfire
Me: (To Reddit) will you be my valentine ??? Reddit : " I am married and i have many childs (SubReddits) "
Math class Teacher asks Johnny: "Imagine you have $200. And you give $50 to Jane, $50 to Suzi, $50 to Melissa. What would you have?" "An orgy?" Edited: names spelling, grammar.
How do bread cells divide? They sbread apart through mitoastis
Everyones keeps teasing me about being so damn lazy I just can't do this anymore. I think I'm just going to kill myself. But the gun is like... way over there.
!false It's funny cause it's true.
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? Zero.
Sex I know, I don't get it either.
I'm selling an authentic French rifle.. It was never fired and only dropped once.
Breaking News: A movie theatre has just been robbed of over two thousand dollars The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn
How to properly propose to a stoner Marriage-you-wanna?
The bartender asks the first one "What can I get you?" Two race conditions walk into a bar.
What did the pea wonder before an 8 hour road trip? To pee or not to pee.
Why was the teacher cross eyed? Because he couldn't control his pupils.
Old McDonald had a farm... 2.71828 ?(-1) 2.71828 ?(-1) (5-5)
Manager gets caught stealing from his pizza job. Upper management says, they caught him stealing "dough".
What kind of bee produces milk instead of honey? A boo bee
Why did the muslim guy rig a competition? So he could win Allah the prizes.
What do you call a doctor named Otto? An ottometrist
Donald Trump's greeting to all Mexicans on 14th February. Happy Wallentine's Day.
Why were the Vandals so fat? Gravity
If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and looks like a duck... Then the humans will suspect nothing!
What is the difference between Snickers and a dick? Try Snickers sometimes
My father died from an overdose of Viagra recently. It's been a hard time for us.
Mexican word of the day: Chicken My wife tried to come to America, but thanks to trump chicken not get in.
Do you like duck sausage? Then duck on over here and get some.
What's the United States' biggest, most well-known export? Troops
I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant.. Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.
I learned sign language It's very handy!
Does anyone else get as excited about Valentine's Day coming up as they do about Christmas? Or is it just because I'm Jewish?
You know what's really odd? Numbers that aren't divisible by two.
My grandpa said to me: "I don't think these "Free (someone)" things are working..." "I mean I've seen millions of these "Free Wifi" -signs through the years, but as far as I know, the poor bastard hasn't been freed yet!"
What do you call the cleavage of a woman with fake breasts? Silicone Valley
How does Hellen Keller drive? One hand on the steering wheel, the other on the road
This administration is doing everything they can as quickly as possible So much so, even their scandals are Russian.
What did the gay horse eat for brunch? Hay HAY Hay
There's one good thing about being a porn star. You're always going to be satisfied with the job.
Some women love playing hard to get. Closing their blinds, locking their doors, calling the police...
I hate it when it heils outside... I always blame the Nazis.
A Girls Sleepover Amy: Truth or dare? Lingling: Truth. Amy: Where's Sarah's dog? Lingling: Dare. **lmao this is old asf and i am in no way racist, this just made me laugh**
My aunt Marge has been in hospital for a while. I can't believe she's not better.
Mr and Mrs.. Mr and Mrs Sterile have no children.
Why are women so clueless? They never bothered with the "Y".
If it looks like a duck, and sounds like a duck... It probably identifies as a napkin and how dare you assume it's species.
Californians hate walls so much... They cried until the Oroville dam collapsed.
A man drove his car into a tree. He found out how a Mercedes bends.
I found a place where the recycling rate is 98% /r/Jokes
I wanted to make a joke about chemistry tests But NaH
What did scorpion say to your ugly mum Stay oveerrr there
Finding the perfect shower temperature on the first try is like my girlfriend Non existent, but I hope every day.
A dick has a sad life if you think about it His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy and to top it all off, his owner beats him regularly.
Why did the invisible man quit his new job? He just couldn't see himself doing it.
What do you call it when a Mexican provides hands-on internet services? Emanuel Labor
PSA: You should all donate money to testicular cancer research. It's a no-ball cause. (But seriously you should)
I'm a very busy businessman, but my wife still demanded that I take her out for valentine's day... Vinnie, my hitman, said he'd do it for me.
Shopping Cart racing Every time I see someone racing their shopping cart down the parking lot I secretly hope they run into a car. Wham!
Jehovah's witnesses are always banging on my door everyday Joke's on them, I'm never letting them out of my basement.
The choice for president came down to two candidates: the moody bitch or Hillary Clinton.
Did you hear about the troublesome teaspoon? It went into the kitchen and caused a stir.
I was standing in line for hours showing my appreciation to everyone I met. It was a thanqueue.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day, and she said "Something long and powerful that vibrates." I hope she likes her new weed eater!
Who's the father of corny jokes? Popcorn!
Why are Jewish men usually circumcised? Because Jewish women won't take anything that's less than 10% off
Who is Trump's favorite YouTuber? CrazyRussianHacker.
My mum calls me Scott, but my friends call me when they want something
My friend is trying to convince me to replace all my skin with a plush brown material But I won't be suede
I was doing CPR the other day And wow, that sure is a work out, it really....gets the blood moving
Never swallow scrabble tiles... That shit could spell disaster
What kind of tea is hard to swallow sometimes? Re-ali
What marker is only sold in shady areas? Mr. Sketch.
A woman gets a new number She sends a text message to her husband. W - "Hi honey, this is my new number. Can't wait to see you tonight" M - "Hey babe. I can't tonight. I'm having dinner with my wife"
How do pirates have babies? They Aaarrrrrrrrrrtificially Inseminate.
it all The title says it all.
During science class at school, I lowered the pressure and temperature in my lab flask, and introduced some tiny ice crystals to it. But my tutor stopped me and sent me home for trolling. How was I supposed to know it was bad to trigger snowflakes!
Have you ever noticed that Ireland is just one sea away from.... Iceland
My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day. So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.
It must be hard working as a prostitute. After all, work just comes and goes.
For the valentines spirit Roses are red violets are blue I am pregnant but it is not from you
roses are red, violets are blue in soviet russia, poems write you.
my friends carter and jack that's it. that's the joke.
How did Anne Frank tie her shoes? In little Nazis!
I recently came into some money. You should have seen the look on the cashier's face
My sister can't stop having sex. I think she's addickted.
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
The pathology lab was robbed last night. The stool samples were gone! The supervisor couldn't believe it. He lost his shit.
How do you call a vegetarian spy? A Spynach
Valentine day gift Husband : What do you want for Valentine Day ?? Wife : Give me One Ring, that's enough .. Husband : From Landline or Mobile ??
When I went to pay for my items in a spiritualist shop I noticed a sign saying 'Queue on the other side'. So I killed myself.
What My Girlfriend Thought, First four Dates: 1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. OK, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.
Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A: A quarter pounder with cheese.
Why was the pencil s bad influence on the paper ? His darkness rubbed off on him
*Airhorn sound* *Second airhorn sound* Me: "Well this clearly isn't deodorant."
Celebrating birthdays is good Numerous studies say that people who celebrate more birthdays live for longer
What's the best thing about John Cena jokes? You can't see them coming
A rich guy dies and goes to the gates of heaven. He offers Peter gold, thinking he can buy his way in. Peter looks at it and says, "You brought me pavement?"
Posting a joke on a Reddit is like going in a bar. Sometimes you get lucky, but most of the time you just lose your self esteem
Why did the frog cross the road? Some geeky kid in the 80's forced it to.
How Many Times is This Shit Going to Get Reposted? Doesn't matter you Reddit anyway.
How did Trump avoid discovery when all of the main means of communication were being traced? He used the alternative fax.
What's black and eats pussy? Cervical cancer.
[NSFW] What does the South side of Chicago hate about their police chief? His subject matter is poorly executed.
Cage the Elephant only won the Grammy out of pity... ...because they're originally from Bowling Green, and everyone was sorry for the loved ones they lost.
I just dropped my phone in a load of mayo. What the hellman!
What's the smallest organ in a goat? An ISIS members' dick.
What's Batman's favorite drink? Nothing...just ice
4 hookers How do you get 4 hookers on to one stool? Turn It upside down.
I was at a party and I lost my watch I started looking throughout the house, and when I turn a corner there's a guy standing on my timepiece, borderline groping and harassing a girl. So I go up and punch the guy, that's not gonna happen. Not on my watch.
roses are red, violets are blue, pornhub is down; your facebook will do
Dad, Am I adopted ? I don't know, ask your other dad.
Communism jokes aren't funny Unless everyone gets them
American Billionaire Grant Cardone is seeing a top psychiatrist. Apparently, he has a huge apartment complex.
The worlds 4 most famous partially sighted musicians have got together. They're starting a focus group.
What kind of bees make milk? *boo*-bees
I spend my valentines days like aging racist. Sad and alone.
Humanity must have an Oedipus complex Because they all want to fuck mother nature.
Breaking: Donald Trumps hair has been reported as missing Police are combing the area
Why do they have bar codes on the returning Swedish fleet? So they can Scandinavian.
I once got into so much debt I couldn't even afford my electricity bills, they were the darkest times of my life.
What do you call two eco terrorists humping a tree? A treesome!
Back then, if I wanted to see her panties, I had to lift her skirt. Today, if I want to see her panties, I have to spread her butt cheeks.
ELI5 why can you get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once? Whooops wrong sub!
I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend... Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side.
I hope I leave this world the same way I came into it... Wrecking an 18-year-old's pussy.
It all The title says it all
I have this theory about the origin of orgies. It all started with a big bang!
Whats the different between batman and a black man? Batman can go out without robin ;)
A boy asks the Priest... "Why do you use a Samsung phone?" "To remind me that the apple was the first sin." "So you are an atheist?" "Of course not! Why do you think that?" "Because I have notes on why Samsung's phones always end with a big bang!"
I finally watched Girl on the Train. I guess you could say there's a real twist at the end...
I got a venereal disease from a girl in a wheelchair Now I'm handiclapped
What is a gang member's favorite skateboarding trick? A cripflip
Ever tasted Ethiopian food? Neither have they.
This girl kept saying how Brits drank too much tea and how she hated it. But she didn't seem too happy when I took her tea shirt off.
I hate people who always sit on the fence with two opinions. Having said that, I love them.
What's wrong with that 5 year old Ethiopian? He's having a mid-life crisis
What currency do they use in outer space? Starbucks.
I just removed my sister's bra. She said, "Stop wearing my bra's."
Valentine's Day is around the corner and I don't know what to get my partner... I mean, what do you get for your left hand?
How do you milk sheep? With iPhone accessories.
How did the Scarecrow, win the award? He was out standing in his field
What do you call a guy who gets lots of blowjobs? Successful
I bumped into Liam Gallagher in Manchester the other day and he told me this joke. "What do Blur and Iranians have in common?" They're both shiite
Why couldn't William Shakespeare go to the pub? Because he was bard!
The most attractive thing about your mom... Is her gravitational pull
An atheist, a vegan and a CrossFitter walk into a bar I only know because they told everyone within two minutes
So the bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve time travelers here" A time traveler walk into a bar
Roses are red Raindrops are dank My father died. How?, my repulsive ass stank (not funny, but a valentines day related joke)
What do you get when you cross an octopus with an electric eel? A shocktopus.
A boss wanted fire one of his coworkers Boss: "I'm sorry but you are fired" Coworker: "why? I didn't do anything?" Boss: "Bingo"
Has anyone found a date for Valentine's? I did! It's on 14th Feb! Laugh please I'm pathetic
How did the Ancient Greeks seperate the men from the boys? With a crowbar.
Knock Knock Who's there? Me. Me who? I didn't know you had a cat.
A woman cried and slammed the door of the restroom . . . seeing how she grimaced, the janitor asked if there was someone in the toilet, to which the woman responded "Almost!"
I can never understand organic chemistry. It has alkynes of problems.
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.
What do trees do when they get mad at each other? Throw shade
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
Did you hear about the kid-napping at the school? Well, he's fine. He's awake now.
I've been told I'm a "real catch" by the ladies. *Lady doctors. Apparently I have all sorts of viruses.
Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"? Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."
I saw a seagull I saw a huge seagull this morning. It was big enough to be a D gull... But not quite big enough to be an eagle. One thing's for sure, it definitely wasn't a beagle.
Why is a river so rich? Because it has two banks
When a fire breaks out at a swingers convention It causes premature evacuation.
How do you make a handkerchief dance? Put a little boogie in it.
How do you deal with a bunch of clowns? You go for the juggler.
What do we want? A cure for tourrettes. When do we want it? FUCKING SHIT CUNT!
Donald Trump loves chewing 5 Gum He wants to Stimulate his Pences.
What do you call a cow running through tall grass? Udderly Tickled
What I find most sexy in a girl is her personality Girl: Oh good, cus I have several of those! Guy: Uh... what? Girl: _Shh!_ don't _listen_ to _her!_
What do black men do after sex? 15 years to life
What if Cee-Lo Green wrote a poem? I see you drivin' 'Round town with the girl I love And I'm like haiku
For my wife's birthday, I got a guy to follow her all day making bee noises. She really wanted a hummer.
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.
When my doctor suspects sexual transmission Doctor: it could be a sexually tran... Me: not unless I got it from a toilet seat Me:(
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
Breaking news: An entire shipment of Viagra has been stolen The polices are looking for a gang of hardened criminals
This 70 year old guy walks in to his favorite bar with his new 25 year old bride Everyone is totally amazed at the sight, then one of his buddy's asked how did you get this young thing to marry you. .. ........Told her I was 80...
A German chemistry student holds up a small vial of HCn. The professor asks him if he's done with the lab. He says, "Yes, professor, this is my final solution."
What is the longest and hardest thing for a black man? 3rd grade
Why are ghosts impotent? Because they have a hollow-weenie sorry
My roomate scared me as I was leaving the bathroom I guess I got scared shitless.
I've decided that I like the alt-right It feels good to jerk my dick with my left hand from time to time.
The real reason it floods after the levee breaks? Nobody gives a dam.
Adele requested and got a reset/restart on her song at the Grammy because she messed up The Atlanta Falcons would also like to replay the 4th Quarter of the Superbowl
Got my rabbits balls chopped off Friend: So how'd they taste?
The reason why Bill Gates is paying for Donald Trump's wall He knows no Juan in Mexico can foot the bill.
What do you call a cow with no legs... Ground beef.
[Math] Hey girl, want to come over and integrate? Unfortunately, After every time we +e^x I am left with an e^x
I love sleeping so much! \* Opens my eyes \* Doctor: You were in Coma for four years. Me: Just five more minutes please. \* Goes back to sleep \*
I had a Freudian slip with my wife tonight. I meant to ask her to "feed the dogs." Instead I said, "You ruined my life, you soul sucking, evil beast."
A blind man walks into a bar... And a chair, and a table.
Breaking News: Samsung has agreed to work with Bill Gates on Trump's wall On the condition to recycle Samsung Galaxy Note 7
Sex with three people is called a threesome. Sex with two people is called a twosome. That is why they call me handsome.
A naked lady walks into a bar with a parrot on her shoulder. The bartender says That's a nice pig you got there. The woman says it's not a pig it's a parrot. The bartender says I was talking to the parrot.
How do you circumcise a whale? 4 skin divers.
I accidently lost some chromosomes today Now I'm feeling rather down
Love is an open~ Relationship
What did the man who went to get circumcised say? Just a little off the top
I bought shoes from a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
If I hear one more pun about whale food... I'm gonna krill myself.
Who's the first Jewish guy to ever win a Heisman trophy? "Fred Goldman cause he took mine!" - OJ Simpson
Why don't bald people use keys? Because they don't have any locks
I think Trump's wife just goes to show... Immigrants do the jobs average Americans won't.
I accidentally butt dialed my proctologist once... I told him it was an accident... he said I was full of shit
The hardest part about having sex with a tranny is not coming. Because once you come, you regret.
Know why you can't hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom? The P is silent
What do you call to Donald Trump's business card? A trump card
What do you call gambling currency that can't melt steel beams? Bet fuel
What happened to Ed Sheeran's girlfriend? She ran.
Did you know that animals make a different sounds depending what part of the world you are in....? For example, in China, Dogs makes a sizzling sound! *I know I am going to hell for this but this was an old joke that was told to me. *
A black guy with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar The bartender asks: Hey cool, where'd you get it? The parrot says: Africa
Why do ghosts have trouble meeting girls at bars? Because they're only there for the boos.
Obese people are a very large portion of the population.
What does Superman put in his drink? Just ice.
What's the worst name for a history lesson? A crash course on 9/11
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
What did the squiggly line say to the angle? Your acute. (Squiggly line because gay because squiggly line =/= straight)
What did trump say to Chinese president in a phone call? "I will bomb Hiroshima Again"
Breaking News: As if it isnt broken fucking enough
Need a joke for valentines card Valentines is tomorrow and i just wondering anyone could tell me a jokes so i can write on it to my gf Thank you!!
My dad won the lottery after having a stroke Guess it was a stroke of luck.
For Sale: French WWII Rifle Never fired. Only dropped once.
A Trump supporter is glad the election is finally over & can go back to watching his favorite show on MSNBC... he can now keep up with how his cousin, brother, & wife are doing while watching Lockup: Wichita.
Damn girl, are you Muslim? 'cause that ass is bomb.
I painted my computer black so that it would run faster, but now it doesn't work.
If it's yellow, let it mellow If it's brown, stop it at the border and submit it to extreme vetting.
Did you hear about the movie in which a young fat lady gets kidnapped? Its called "Beauty and the feast"
What did one muffin say to the other? 'Whew! It's hot in this oven!' How did the other muffin reply? 'Holy shit! A talking muffin!' Go easy on me, it's my first post to reddit.
They say people who stammer aren't idiots But I'm not so sure about that, considering the only word longer than four syllables they know is "T-t-t-t...."
How do you give a vampire a concussion? Hit it with a bat
Redneck murders are hard to solve. Never any dental records and all the DNA's the same.
My alarm clock decided to leave me tomorrow. It would've left yesterday, but it's taking its time.
Why did the Spanish guy rob a train? He had a *loco*-motive
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 50 pounds.
Luke cage In marvels luke cage everyone thinks that luke has super powers because he's bullet proof. But bullet proof black people isn't a super power it's straight up evolution.
My toilet left me today Guess it couldn't take my crap anymore.
I just realized how gay my clothes are. They come out of the closet every morning.
What kind of deodorant do dwarves use? They don't like to choose but when they do they pickaxe
Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they're going to pay. You have my Word.
The final solution to manspreading. So my Jewish friend informed me that his mom was low key, unimpressed with his "manspreading". I feel bad; the rabbi could avoid all of this by cutting off just a bit more.
Hey Sue, wouldn't it be lovely to take a nice walk today? "That would be lovely!" Great! Will you bring back some crisps and beer?
I have the most boring job of all... I run an oil drill rig.
She was a whisky maker.. ..but I loved her still.
What do you call a black man standing on a street corner? A crack dealer
The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri... Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.
Why doesn't Sean Spicer wear a sign that says everything that comes out of his mouth is BS? Because that would be redundant.
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.... My friend was wearing one and got shot by the woman's husband.
Bill Gates and Steve Jobs Talk At A Bar After a Long Day of Gettin' Money Bill: So I went to the bank yesterday to talk about a loan Steve: What do you need a loan for? Bill: Oh, I don't. The bank does.
I'm sorry that I sent you Donald Trump Reddit replies: Username checks out!
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and an Xbox? One is turned off by children.
What do u get when an alien barges into your bathroom while you're taking a shower? An invasion of privacy.
Life is like a box of chocolates I don't like chocolate
What's the problem with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don't think they're funny, and other people don't think they're jokes.
How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb? Apparently not three because my basement is still dark.
Hey, what does a fire sit on? It's Ash
In some situations in life, I find that you just need a little push. I might be a door.
What do you call a piano player with no arms or legs? Clever dick.
What do you call Chewbacca's Chinese cousin? A Fortune Wookie
[NSFW] If sleeping with an Asian gets you your yellow belt, what do you get when you sleep with a Muslim? A suicide belt
What's the difference between tired and exhausted? When you run in front of a car, you get tired. When you run behind a car, you get exhausted.
Adele didn't originally want to perform at the Grammy's but they bugged the crap out of her till she said yes. They must've called a thousand times.
Caught my penis cheating on my wife today. Luckily after a few beatings, it learned it's lesson.
If you are deaf and you have Parkinson's... ...is that like having a stutter?
You know how they say "a woman's work is never done"? Maybe that is why they get paid less.
Ordered 4 drinks at McDonald's..... ....so they wouldn't think all 50 chicken nuggets were for me.
Italian Army tanks have five gears Four reverse, one forward (in case they get attacked from the rear)
If a dog played soccer, who would the dog play for? BARKELONA
My Grandfather told me my generation is to reliant on technology. I told him, "no Grandpa, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.
What do electrical engineers use to clean up their equations? A handkirchoff.
It must suck to have your period on valentines day But an even bigger pain in the ass.
Now that Russia decriminalized spousal beatings.. Men are finally Putin(g) women in their place
What do Jim Carrey and Bane have in common? No one cared who they were 'til they put on the mask.
I just put my hair in a bun. It wasn't very nice, I think I'll try it with a croissant next time.
My favourite sport starts with a "T". It's golf.
My neighbours named their child "Saturn". That's not something I'd call my child, but it has got a ring to it.
I love dead baby jokes Because they never get old.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for dinner. She said, "Somewhere that has fish." So I pushed her in the river.
Why does Trump think the food stamps program is unnecessary? Because he's constantly providing us with low hanging fruit.
My girlfriend and I were moving each others comic book collection and now we both have to see a chiropractor. Because we both have back issues.
I told my wife I'm her trophy husband... Too bad it's just a participation trophy.
China built a wall... That's why you don't see any Mexican in China.
A Cheesy Joke My family spent all of today calling me by different cheese names. I told them I just wanted to be left provolone.
Only When you perfect the art of fishing and baiting hooks.. Will you become a Master Baiter
What do you call a primate that works out? A Gym-panzee.
Is there a reason you ate that entire fish sandwich? To be honest, I did it for the halibut.
Schools should have a class designed for introverts... *anti-social studies*
what is blue and has 27 tits? the trashbag at a cancer clinic.
I just made life a whole lot simpler for an overweight friend of mine... I explained to him that every restaurant in town is an "all you can eat" place.
What did the internet say to it's history? "Cache me outside, how 'bout dat?"
What do you call a ginger Mormon? An orang Utahn
Why did the princess marry the barbarian? Because she thought he was brutiful
Coding Jokes post coding jokes I will <br> your heart
It's not fair to compare Trump to Hitler. Hitler appreciated the arts.
Do you know the most outstanding thing about our illegal immigrants? Their warrants. (Here come the down-votes!)
Who are the most decent people at a hospital? The ultra sound people
What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? Harry Potter rode the train back. I'm not apologizing.
In which mountain range do fruit trees primarily grow? The Apple-achian mountains.
I used to smoke weed in the 90's Now I don't care what temperature it is
So an Irish man walks out of a pub. What? It could happen.
What did Mary say when she saw Jesus with a massive erection? He has risen.
Did you hear about the potato the Russians put into space? They called it Spudnik
I use to like going skiing. But that hobby... Went downhill so fast
The government in this town is excellent, and uses your tax dollars efficiently.
I hate milking cows, every time I do it... It makes me shUDDER.
As a wine enthusiast, I am appalled by Trump's recent executive orders. What right does he have to ban sommeliers from entering this country?
I was walking past a construction site and the guy hammering on the roof called me a paranoid little weirdo... ...in morse code. [Credit goes to Emo Phillips]
Why does a squirrel swim on it's back? To keep his nuts dry
Did you hear about the drunk guy who got suplexed? He was waisted.
How big was the iceberg that sank the Titanic? Cap size
Uriel Uriel goes to Michael. "I am going to become a muse. Here's my flaming sword." "What will you use instead?" "My pen, idiot!"
Some crocodiles can grow 17-20 ft But most have 4
Lost my job today... Told my boss I was always late cause I had diarrhea .. he told me I was full of shit
Kellyanne Conway gets caught cheating. "How could you? I've loved and trusted you and this is how you treat me?" "What about Hillary Clinton's Emails?"
I was inquiring about seating for two at a new restaurant and they asked if I had reservations... I said that I had some, but that I was willing to give it a try.
I remember when Squeeze Theorem used to be called The Sandwich Theorem. Damn Political Correctness
What can you make with epileptic lettuce? A seizure salad
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
If you're ever attack by a group of clowns.... Make sure to go for the juggler.
Why did Germany almost go bankrupt? Because the Holo-cost a lot of money. Anne Frankly, it wasn't worth it.
Billy Joel walks into a bar. The barman says ?Bill, I believe this is killing me.? As the smile ran away from his face.
I use to be in a horse back riding club... But I got kicked out for horsing around.
What did the egg say when it turned up? Om lit
What's the most OUTSTANDING thing about our illegal immigrants? Their warrents.
Someone just asked me if I'd take a bullet for the last person I had sex with Sure, she's a bitch, but of course I'd take a bullet for my cousin.
I use to be a car racer... But I didn't have the drive for it and I drifted away from that career.
The reason for the wage gap is that men have high paying jobs like doctor, lawyer, etc. while women usually have lower paying jobs... ...like female doctor, female lawyer, etc.
What did the yeast say to the flour? Do you want to make some dough, Sugar?
What is the easiest way to tell if somebody is vegan? Oh, don't worry. They'll tell you.
Hellen Keller walks into a bar... Then a stool. Then a table.
Snowboarding seems like the gayest sport. Is involves lubricant for the equipment, you're quite often on your knees and at the end of the day your butt hurts.
A joke for St. Patricks Day What is long, green, and has an asshole every 3 feet? A St. Patricks Day Parade
2 Danish guys just tried stealing the toilet paper from my Air BnB bringing shame upon their entire country! Worst viking raid ever!
So I was telling my dad That the entire team that worked on finding Nemo had to take fish biology 101. Then he says "so does it ever bother you that the fish are talking?" That was the hardest I laughed in a while
Making love while camping is the best It's fucking in tents
My bakery was recently robbed. Now, I've seen a lot of robberies before... But this takes the cake!
Why was the snowman no good at big games? He got cold feet
How many testicles does an Oak have? Tree
The only mistake I ever made... Was buying a pencil with an eraser on it.
Never forget the pickle on your burgers It's kind of a big dill
What do you call a guy thats half Mexican and half Chinese that wears only one sneaker? Juan Chu
What is the difference between male and female? Fe
What does a mexican use to cut his pizza? Little Caesars
Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall On the condition he gets to install windows.
My Son got sent home from school for the third time this year for letting a girl wank him off in class... ...I told him "maybe teaching isn't for you.."
What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs? Cash and carry.
I would tell you to listen to my favorite Kendrick Lamar song... But it's just alright.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? It doesn't matter, because feminists can't change anything.
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Whatever it is it's heading straight for the world trade center.
Did you hear about the people that became octophobes after going to the buffet? They eight too much!
I don't understand how people of color can be discriminated against Aren't we all hue, man?
Girlfriend said I need to moisturize I told her I moist my eyes every day when I think of what Europe has become.
What do you do when a epileptic's having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokie But then I turned myself around.
A black man, a mexican man and an asian walk into a bar... and they are all accepted and welcomed. Now isn't that refreshing?
What do you call pasta made by a jamaican sex pest? Harrastapasta
My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and dump them in the river. I did it, but it broke my heart. I quite liked her dad.
Baby are you an ether? Coz you get my pp up.
Why is it that if a girl has a lot of sex with guy she's a slut... But if a guy does it he's gay?
A failed tv presenter, a disgraced newspaper editor and a phone hacker walk into a bar.... ..and the barman says "What'll it be, Piers?"
Hear about the gay Irishmen? Phillip Dune and James Mcavity
I went to the clothes store where all women's pants were half-off. But all the women there were fully dressed. Fucking liars.
TIFU by vomiting on a cute co-worker I told her, "Next time, lunch is on me."
People are like trashcans When you step on their feet, their mouth opens.
I come from a town where you have to keep a whale on you at all times. If you don't, they issue you a cetacean.
Hey Hitler, where are the showers? >They are down the hall, on the third reich.
The oven and the woman are just alike Because you have to get them both hot before you stick the meat in.
How to fix the wage gap. Wagegap
What did the Doc say to Scotty? Great Scott.
The doorbell rang so the son went to open the door. - How is it? - I'm the house owner, I'm here to collect rent. - Mom! It's the owner. Do you have money or should I go play outside again?
Why should you never buy a twin a basket of fruit? Because they come in pairs.
This joke about the Earth's rotation Just made my day
How many cabinet members does it take to screw in a light bulb? All of them but they still can't do it
Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut? "NASA: The Sky's The Limit"
If space aliens landed in the U.S. today they would say Take us to your leader
I'm 35 and I've never been in a serious relationship. My wife wouldn't like to hear that, though.
Hey, what's difference between Trump and Goatse.cx? I can't tell cause they're both YUUUUGE assholes.
What do you call a dog that pees on the mat? Ono-mat-o-poeia
what is it called when your crush has a crush on you too? Imagination.
Teacher: Today's topic is DEMOCRACY Teacher: What is Democracy? Students: Today's topic.
I walked into a bar It really hurt
I can't believe you blew your co-worker! Girlfriend: I didn't, I swear Me: Oh come on, cough it up.
what's the difference between neil armstrong and michael jackson? neil armstrong walked on the moon and michael jackson fucked little kids.
''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds'' So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
I hate flying back from China It's really disorienting.
Why do Jews get circumcised? 1. Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't at least 10% off. 2. Because they never leave a tip. 3. Because there's no end to those pricks.
My girlfriend was standing and looking in the bedroom mirror ... She wasn't happy with what she saw, and said to me, "I feel horrible. I look fat and ugly. Could you give me a compliment?" I looked over at her and said, "Well, your eyesight is perfect."
"Honey, I think I'm ugly...." So I pulled her infront of a mirror, stood right next to her and said: "Darling, I mean look a that sexy smile, that beautiful hair and those eyes....Just wow. No wonder you feel ugly next to me!"
Who the fuck does Bernie Sanders think he is? Not MY president!
Which Netflix show best sums up America today? Orange Is the New Black.
What direction did the pirate go to get his bread?? Yeast!!
John robbed some coffee from Starbucks the other day. The police are charging him for mugging.
I lost 10kg last week I can't seem find that dumbbell anywhere.
How do you tell if a blond has been working at your computer? There's white out all over the screen
I can't wait for the 14th It will be the 68th anniversary of the Bank of England opening
When did the nerd get out of bed? 13:37
Why did Helen Keller have yellow legs? Her dog was blind too.
What do you call a flying jew? Smoke.
Why do women have trouble parking? Guys always give them the wrong idea of what six inches is!
So everyone is appreciating Newton for inventing gravity... ...well, I don't. We could've all been flying now if it wasn't for that goddamn apple.
When I get home from work, my wife lets me put my feet up... When we first met, I stuggled to get two fingers up...
What's the difference between a good joke and A bad joke timing
My doctor said I had 10 hours to live So I killed him and the judge gave me 30 yearsˇ!
If your girlfriend starts smoking Slow down and start using a lubricant
Hear about the two gay Irishmen? William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam.
Policeman stops a tandem. Excuse me sir. I think you've lost your wife back down the road. Thank god for that. I thought I'd gone deaf.
Why did the hipster burn his lips? He ate his pizza before it was cool
I have Picturegraphic memory. Is that the word; picturegraphic? Can't remember long words.
So what if I don't know what 'few' means? It doesn't mean a lot.
Why doesn't Alabama have calculus teachers. They don't like integration.
Why didn't cheese want to be sliced? It had grater plans.
My lesbian friend is very ill& It seems she's lacking vitamin D.
I told my girlfriend I'd buy her a wedding ring if she gave me a blowjob. She's a sucker for love.
Bought Animal Skin Jackets at 60% off. It was a great *offur.*
I wish people would stop acting like Chuck Norris is a god If he really is so good why doesn't he teleport behind me and slam my head into the keyboard then hhjfdjusodbfhzoakcblkqoscsnjqpqkc
Dentist: This will hurt. Patient: OK. Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife since last year.
Sometimes I wonder Why is that frisbee getting bigger? And then it hits me.
I made my girlfriend puke She likes dirty talk
Cashews are expensive, almonds are expensive. Peanuts are cheaper. How about deer nuts? You find them under a buck.
My friend told me I should start deadlifting. Otherwise the police would certainly find the body.
Did you hear what happened to the tap dancer.. He fell into the sink
Warning: Game of Thrones Spoilers Will make your car look fucking stupid
People are like bananas Nobody likes the black ones.
Whats the difference between fingering and fondling? About 12 years
If the Bald Eagle is the symbol of freedom and the Dove is the symbol of peace, what bird is the symbol of love? The swallow.
Why don't you tell jokes women on their periods? Because they always OVARY-act!
Why do women have legs? Have you ever seen the mess a snail leaves behind!
How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit a lot
Why do cows wear bells Because their horns don't work
It's not easy being a self made man Unless you have an Oedipus complex and a time machine.
What do Donald Trump and Princess Toadstool have in common? They both say "Im Peach?" in the same tone.
A lady goes to the doctor, for results of a test she took. Doctor: Mrs. Jones, I have some great news for you! Lady: Miss, not Mrs. Doctor: Miss Jones, I have some bad news for you.
Did you hear about the marsupial who was rejected at his job interview? He didn't meet any of the *koala*fications
Valentine's Day is coming But it looks like YOU won't be.
Two antennas get married . . . . . . the ceremony was average but the reception was outstanding
What do you call a content Asian woman? Lo-Meintenance
It's very difficult to gather mushrooms in Chernobyl they scramble in all directions when you walk up to them.
A riddle: "I'm twenty-two. Hold are you, dad?" His dad replies, "Son, I'm your age, plus half of my own." How old is his father? . . . . . . . . . . . . . Answer: 74, Alzheimers just caught him early.
Something about my mom's vagina feels odd to me but I can't put my finger on it.
You're playing poker like a Buddhist... ...you're working on the eight fold path
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion Probably because Mexico has more aliens
So, I breathed air in modern america. Now the PC police are arresting me for theft of air.
A Mexican and a black person are riding in a car. Who's driving? A cop.
Most pre-historic vegetables have been lost to time... But the beet goes on.
A man and a Jew are sitting on a bridge... ... The man sticks his foot in the water and says, "The water is quite cold." The Jew sticks his nose in and says, "It is also very deep."
A group of Fibonaccis walk into the bar The first two walk up to the bar. The bartender looks at them sternly and says, "One of you two better fuckin' order something."
I had the worst first day of work ever today! ... looking back, maybe I should have noticed something was sketchy about the job posting... "Now hiring at county jai. Position available: Massage Therapist... Space not provided."
Where did the proctologist go to college? Pro State University I'll see myself out.
I finally quit drinking . . .at about 3 o'clock in the morning. (You guys can have that one.) <3
So a Black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder... The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?" "Africa!", says the parrot.
What did the vegetables say at the garden party? Lettuce turnip the beet
I'm not retarded! I just appear slow because my intellect and wit are respectively so massive and quick, that they are subject to relativistic time dilation.
If the Green Man lives in the Green House and the Blue Man lives in the Blue House, who lives in the White House? The Orange Man
You know what the best place to get the most unbiased news from? The weather channel.
Why did the boy leave the angyr orchestra? There was too much violins
What's a metalhead's favourite spud? Mosh-pitatoes.
A grocery store employee approaches a wise-looking Indian man wearing a turban and a luxuriously long beard The employee tells the man, "Sir, you should see a doctor!" "Why do you say that?" he responds, puzzled. "Because you're looking a little Sikh!"
A dolphin goes into the bar. The barman says, 'Well, that was a bloody big tsunami!'
What do lawyers wear to court? *Lawsuits*
How does Lady Gaga like her steaks? Raw Raw RaAaAw
I made an accidental pun today... I guess it was kinda "PUNintentional"
So I slept with my girlfriends dad... But she's a twin so it's an easy mistake right?
A customer walks in a minute before closing and asks if the store is still open. The clerk responds, "As open as a casket at a funeral. I shouldn't be, but I am."
What's the difference between Goatse and Donald Trump? None at all. They're both yuuge assholes.
A lynx walks into a bar A lynx walks into a bar and says "Hey Barkeep! Mix me up a... ... ... Jackrabbit." The bartender says, "you got it buddy, but what's with the big paws?"
I masturbate with soap Just thought I should come clean
I'm thirsty Hello Thursday, I'm Friday. Let's go out Saturday and have a Sunday
I was trying to understand how horse's reflexes work And then it hit me.
I fucked a fat chick in an elevator. It was wrong in so many levels...
This girl said she never wants to see me again I guess you can say she gave me a wrist-training order
I could tell you a black joke, but you heard Jamal.
Moses comes down from Mt Sinai and stands before the people "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that I got him down to ten. The bad news is that he's adamant about the adultery bit."
Liverpool FC have banned the Sun from their stadium. Seems kind of pointless, I mean it always rains in England anyway.
I recently had sex with a girl who I thought I was legal age A wave of horror came over me when I noticed her toe tag said "15 years old"