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| Today is the last day of your life so far. |
| I would love to, but I have to study for a blood test. |
| If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? |
| If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? |
| I want to die like my grandfather in his sleep, not like his screaming passengers. |
| Good friends are like bottles of Sweet Wine. That's why I keep mine locked in the cellar. |
| If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed. |
| When in doubt, ignore it. |
| A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose. |
| Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. |
| I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. |
| A hangover is the wrath of grapes. |
| I would love to, but I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. |
| A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. |
| Banning the bra was a big flop. |
| A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore". |
| How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there? |
| I would love to, but I'm trying to cut down. |
| If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? |
| A closed mouth gathers no feet. |
| Computer programmers know how to use their hardware. |
| He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. |
| On the other hand, you have different fingers. |
| Q: Why did the runner quit the race against Bigfoot? A: He couldn't face de-feet!! |
| God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th. |
| Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. |
| The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. |
| Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the- fridge-is" group. |
| I would love to, but I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator." |
| I would love to, but my favorite commercial is on TV. |
| Two cannibals are eating dinner. One says to the other, "Gosh, Bill, your wife makes a great meal." |
| What is a country song played backwards? Your wife gets back with you, your dog comes back to life, your car starts, you get your job back and life is great. |
| It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. |
| I'm thinking of becoming a hitman... Yeah, I heard they make a killing. |
| Q: How do crazy people get through the forest? A: They take the psycho path. |
| When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? |
| Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. |
| Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. |
| She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower. |
| I think the Japanese flag is really a pie chart of how afraid they are of Godzilla. |
| Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends. |
| I would love to, but I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar. |
| If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. |
| Old math teachers never die, they just reduce to lowest term. |
| I would love to, but I feel a song coming on. |
| Q: What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? A: Mice cubes! |
| Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass? |
| Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? |
| If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? |
| Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? |
| Titanic is just one example of the ice bucket challenge going wrong... |
| It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. |
| Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'. |
| I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals. |
| Q: How does the brain communicate with the nerves? A: With a Cell phone! |
| If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? (what if FedEx, UPS and Emery Worldwide merged = Fed Up Worldwide)? |
| Q: What did the sardine call the submarine? A: A can of people! |
| A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...? |
| A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. |
| Q: What kind of music do Mummies listen to? A: Wrap. |
| Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out the window into the wind? |
| Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. |
| Don't blame the holidays, you were fat in August. |
| I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always!' |
| Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. |
| I would love to, but I have to stay home and see if I snore. |
| The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they'll erase what they did during the week. |
| Practice safe eating: always use condiments. |
| I would love to, but I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I'm stuck on it. |
| If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose? |
| Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else. |
| Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. |
| Q: Why do cows wear bells? A: Because their horns don't work! |
| If you are coasting, you're going downhill. |
| I would love to, but I'm up to my eardrums in waxy buildup. |
| You must've sat in a pile of sugar because you've got a sweet ass! |
| A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work. |
| Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. |
| Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?? |
| Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. |
| Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? |
| Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. |
| Dijon vu: the same mustard as before. |
| It was all so different before everything changed. |
| I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. |
| Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. |
| As you read the scroll, it vanishes... |
| I would love to, but my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. |
| Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. |
| I would love to, but I have to jog my memory. |
| If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. |
| How come abbreviated is such a long word? |
| Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome. |
| Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. |
| Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone. |
| He who hesitates is boss. |
| Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up. |
| History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other. |
| I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge. |
| A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun. |
| Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? |
| A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. |
| I would love to, but I have to sit up with a sick ant. |
| Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. |
| Q: Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? A: Women can see right through them. |
| I would love to, but I have to rotate my crops. |
| Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. |
| Familiarity breeds children. |
| Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it. |
| MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team. |
| Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. |
| OK, so what's the speed of dark? |
| CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover. |
| Ain't it funny how the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind your car. |
| I would love to, but I have to go to court for kitty littering. |
| Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. |
| I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. |
| Computer modelers simulate it first. |
| Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research. |
| Computer hackers do it all night long. |
| Never miss a good chance to shut up. |
| 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence? |
| Entropy isn't what it used to be. |
| After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F. |
| If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! |
| What happens if you get scared half to death twice? |
| I would love to, but I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. |
| What do you call a male ladybug? |
| Saying you are dumped but we can still be friends is like saying the dog died but let's take it for a walk anyway. |
| Drive defensively -- buy a tank. |
| BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd. |
| Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? |
| Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant. |
| Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... |
| If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? |
| Without geometry, life is pointless. |
| GAY ABANDON - Homosexual repellent perfume. |
| I would love to, but I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer. |
| Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding. |
| A bird in the hand is dead. |
| If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? |
| I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. |
| Q: Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder? A: He got a little behind in his work. |
| The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. |
| It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. Albert Einstein |
| Is there another word for synonym? |
| Two women walked into a building. You'd think at least one of them would have seen it. |
| Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom! |
| Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? |
| I would love to, but I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner. |
| Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. |
| If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem! |
| Always remember you are unique - just like everyone else. |
| Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before. |
| Don't squat with your spurs on. |
| Don't force it, get a larger hammer. |
| When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. |
| No one is listening until you fart. |
| Q: Why are gold fish orange? A: The water makes them rusty! |
| Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. |
| For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. |
| If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? |
| Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it. |
| Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? |
| The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. |
| I would love to, but I'm touring China with a wok band. I'm trying desperately to be less popular. |
| If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. |
| "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." |
| Mediocrity thrives on standardization. |
| Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? |
| Q: What do you call a guy turned on by a witch? A: Scared stiff. |
| I think the condoms need to be located in the baby aisle next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans. |
| Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee. |
| A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. |
| I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. |
| Reality's the only obstacle to happiness. |
| With great power comes a great electricity bill. |
| If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. |
| Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. |
| I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. |
| I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. |
| This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land. |
| It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. |
| I would love to, but I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. |
| Q: Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank? A: He was caught drinking on the job. |
| I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. |
| Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? |
| A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. |
| What the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, while I give these two a lift. |
| When all else fails, read the instructions. |
| I would love to, but my yucca plant is feeling yucky. |
| If you can't read this, you're illiterate. |
| I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time." |
| Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer. |
| A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. |
| Some grow with responsibility, others just swell. |
| Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. |
| Why do midgets laugh when they run? Coz the grass tickles their balls! |
| Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. |
| Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? |
| I would love to, but I've been traded to Cincinnati. |
| I would love to, but I'm too young for that stuff. |
| Q: What travels all around the world while staying in one place? A: A postage stamp. |
| QUASIMOTO - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France. |
| An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance. |
| The interest in ironing is decreasing. |
| One day YouTube, Twitter and Facebook will merge and be known as YouTwitFace. |
| As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never! |
| I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. |
| If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. |
| Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. |
| If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. |
| Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. |
| Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose. |
| I would love to, but I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me. |
| If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? |
| What if there were no hypothetical questions? |
| Q: What is the best thing about schizophrenia? A: You're never alone! |
| I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." |
| Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached. |
| Why don't they just make mouse-flavoured cat food? |
| Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? |
| 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual." |
| A day without sunshine is like, well, night. |
| I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. |
| Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails! |
| I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through. |
| Q: Why did the nurse go to art school? A: To learn how to draw blood! |
| My camera is broken. But, I won't have a negative attitude - I'll take it to the repair shop and see what develops. |
| Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. |
| Mail your packages early so that the post office can lose them in time for Christmas! |
| Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. |
| Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse? |
| SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING. |
| I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. |
| It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. |
| I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. |
| Phone answering machine message - "... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...". |
| Pirates make the best music because they write everything with a hook. |
| Funeral homes are forever getting stiffed. |
| Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car! |
| I would love to, but my Dress For Obscurity class meets then. |
| Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit. |
| I would love to, but I'm having all my plants neutered. |
| Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? |
| The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord. |
| A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. |
| If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. |
| Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad... |
| When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or a swirly. |
| In University I was going to join the debate team, but someone talked me out of it. |
| One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. |
| Q: Who earns a living by driving his customers away? A: A taxi driver. |
| So what's the speed of dark? |
| My maid is a commercial cleaner... She only cleans during commercials! |
| Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people. |
| I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym. Guess we just weren't working out. |
| What we could really use is the separation of Bush and state. |
| Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. |
| The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging. |
| Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer |
| Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? |
| I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. |
| A penny saved is ridiculous. |
| The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. |
| If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes. |
| I used to do yoga, but their expectations of me were too high. They wanted me to bend over backwards for them. |
| How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? |
| Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. |
| All that glitters has a high refractive index. |
| Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. |
| Last night I had a dream that I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone. |
| I would love to, but I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. |
| When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. |
| Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think. |
| If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for? |
| If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?" |
| Q: What do ceramic tile and men have in common? A: If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life! |
| I told a girl her eyebrows were drawn on too high. She looked surprised. |
| I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site. |
| If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both. |
| KODACLONE - duplicating film. |
| It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. |
| I would love to, but my uncle escaped, again. |
| Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. |
| Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. |
| My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. |
| Ghosts are hard to impress. They boo everything. |
| When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. |
| Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? |
| Anarchy is better that no government at all. |
| Life's a bitch, then you die. |
| To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer. |
| Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. |
| Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. |
| Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. |
| YTERM - A terminal program for queries. |
| Clones are people two. |
| Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. |
| If you cannot convince them, confuse them. |
| This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over. |
| I would love to, but I never go out on days that end in "Y." |
| Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters. |
| Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper than plastic surgery. |
| I walked into the bedroom and tripped on the wife's Bra. It was a booby trap. |
| A king's castle is his home. |
| I would love to, but I have to be on the next train to Bermuda. |
| I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and... |
| Q: What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost? A: Bamboo. |
| Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object. |
| It's amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on. |
| I would love to, but I have to bleach my hare. |
| Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? |
| I would love to, but I promised to help a friend re-fold road maps. |
| Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? |
| I intend to live forever - so far, so good. |
| When in doubt, don't bother. |
| The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. |
| So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' |
| I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice. |
| Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish? A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish. |
| Life is a lot like toilet paper. You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole. |
| Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? |
| If all is not lost, where is it? |
| Some people are like clouds. When they disappear it’s a brighter day. |
| People think Cupid is a symbol for love. Personally, I find an arrow being shot through your heart by a flying baby very horrifying. |
| Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. |
| What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald people? |
| Buried my grandmother in the wrong plot. That was a grave mistake. |
| The little boy asked his dad one evening, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" "I don't know, son," he said. "I'm still paying for it." |
| I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. |
| If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? |
| If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? |
| If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees. |
| If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? |
| A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense. |
| If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people. |
| Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? |
| All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. |
| Corduroy pillows are making headlines. |
| If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? |
| It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. |
| Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. |
| If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. |
| My grandfather died due to shoddy hospital care. I wouldn't have minded, but he was only in there to visit my grandma. |
| If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with lies. |
| It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere. |
| Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. |
| Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor. |
| Q: Why didn't the dog want to play football? A: It was a boxer! |
| Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A: A cherry float. |
| Mind Like A Steel Trap Rusty And Illegal In 37 States. |
| Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes. |
| When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. |
| Q: What's the difference between sin and shame? A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. |
| Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. |
| Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? |
| It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot. |
| It works better if you plug it in. |
| I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. |
| Whoever said money doesn't grow on trees has obviously never sold weed. |
| A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. |
| I would love to, but I have too much guilt. |
| Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will. |
| If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? |
| Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone. |
| If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? |
| When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. |
| What do you call male ballerinas? |
| Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence. |
| Q: What do you say if you meet a toad? A: Wart's new! |
| There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. |
| Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. |
| Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! |
| Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. |
| Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his bum. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." |
| Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. |
| Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality. |
| If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane. |
| I would love to, but I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others. |
| What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh. |
| Never test the depth of the water with both feet. |
| Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. |
| Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. |
| Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? |
| Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? |
| Pardon my driving, I am reloading. |
| Sea captains don't like crew cuts. |
| Q: Why aren't there any famous skeletons? A: They're a bunch of no bodies. |
| If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. |
| I would love to, but I'm going to be old someday. |
| Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit. |
| Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt"? |
| A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. |
| Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down. |
| Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"? |
| I'm a sexual health doctor for the lower ranks of the military. I inspect the privates. |
| Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink. |
| I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. |
| Q: What's another name for policemen when they're in bed? A: Undercover cops. |
| If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? |
| If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? |
| I went to the bank the other day and asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me! |
| We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. |
| SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children. |
| I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls. |
| I would love to, but Oooo, having fun gives me prickly heat. |
| If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? |
| Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. |
| Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! |
| I would love to, but I think you want the OTHER (fill in your name here). |
| Courage is your greatest present need. |
| The road to to success is always under construction. |
| TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids. |
| If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. |
| Going the speed of light is bad for your age. |
| I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. |
| Return ticket. That takes me back. |
| The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. |
| QUARKBAR - the candy with flavour and charm. |
| If you jog backwards, will you gain weight? |
| Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! |
| A closed mouth gathers no foot. |
| I would love to, but I prefer to remain an enigma. |
| I tried to join the Paranoia's Anonymous, but they would't tell me where they were. |
| Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. |
| Never lick a gift horse in the mouth. |
| A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. |
| I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few... |
| Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?" |
| A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up. |
| If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line. |
| If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too? |
| Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. |
| If you shake up a can of beer, and spill it on your stove, do you get foam on the range? |
| I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it. |
| When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. |
| Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! |
| Xerox does it again and again and again and... |
| Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever. |
| Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery. |
| Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." |
| Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue. |
| Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up. |
| Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind. |
| I would love to, but I'm too old for that stuff. |
| It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. |
| Those who can't write, write help files. |
| If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. |
| I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle. |
| My best friend ran away with my wife... I miss him. |
| All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. |
| He who laughs last, thinks slowest. |
| If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame. |
| Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. |
| A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. |
| I would love to, but my bathroom tiles need grouting. |
| He who hesitates is sometimes saved. |
| I used to think maths was useless but then one day I realized that decimals had a point. |
| A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead. |
| If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons? |
| Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. |
| Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! |
| Black holes are where God divided by zero. |
| Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter." |
| In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds. |
| Honk if you love peace and quiet. |
| My wife says we should spice up our sex life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Grey. First, she wants me to become a billionaire. |
| To be, or not to be, those are the parameters. |
| I would love to, but my mother would never let me hear the end of it. |
| Q: What do you give a man with an artificial heart? A: Three weeks. |
| My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time. |
| Wasting time is an important part of life. |
| Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. |
| XMODEM - A spot-marking transfer protocol. |
| Help support helpless victims of computer error. |
| Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. |
| A vampire walks into a bar, and asks for a "Large glass of A-positive blood." The bartender looks him square in the eyes, and says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your type here!" |
