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| I hate how you cant even say black paint anymore Now I have to say "Leroy can you please paint the fence?" |
| What's the difference between a Jew in Nazi Germany and pizza ? Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven . I'm so sorry. |
| I recently went to America.... ...and being there really helped me learn about American culture. So I visited a shop and as I was leaving, the Shopkeeper said "Have a nice day!" But I didn't so I sued him. |
| You hear about the University book store worker who was charged for stealing $20,000 worth of books? He got caught trying to sell the two books to a freshman. |
| Why is it unknown on how pterodactyls urinate especially during flight? Because the p is silent. |
| Why women need legs? To avoid leaving tracks like a snail while walking. |
| I walked into a PETA adoption center and the receptionist asked me what kind of dog I wanted Apparently "Whatever's low in cholesterol" was not the right answer. |
| How did TV studios make words appear on screen before computers? Character actors! |
| How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You follow his fresh prints. |
| Remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents said, "I'll give you a reason to cry"? I always thought they were gunna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later. |
| Remember, you can't spell Valentine's Day without... ... Anal Destiny. |
| Happy try not to jump off a bridge day! Oh and it's also Valentines day |
| My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track." |
| If I get a bird I'm naming it Trump cuz all they do is Tweet |
| I was going to get a headjob for Valentines Day But my back was sore and I couldn't reach. |
| What do you call an exercise machine with a strobe light? An epileptical. |
| My dad has a heart of a lion ...and a lifetime ban from the local zoo. |
| Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork. But the bigger, heavier ones are delivered by a crane. |
| A monkey is getting stoned in a zoo... Welcome to India |
| What did the mommy bean say to her son when he asked for money? I dont have any, go ask your fava |
| When You Break Up At 11:59 Tonight And save $300 instantly. |
| I wanted to buy an Audi. But I can't A4'd it. |
| I'm Trying to Remember The Name of A Song It's about a girl with amnesia talking to her Grandmother. The lyrics are "Oh, Nana, What's My Name?" |
| What are minorities? Lesser people. |
| Did you hear that Donald Trump is technically a plant? Because all of his cells have built a wall. |
| i had trouble swallowing a viagra last night my neck was stiff for 4 hours |
| What is the king of all school supplies? The Ruler |
| Why did the producers of 007 films use government debt to fund their newest film? Because interest in the Bond is so low. |
| Pocket empty day ! Happy pocket empty day. |
| I want to see that new movie coming out with Scarlett Johannson& &but she probably isn't available. |
| Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese Girl? You have to drop the Bomb twice before she gets the Message. |
| Site of the 2017 Dane county massacre. All that is left after tens of snowmen were brutally melted on this spot by a massive indifferent ball of fire. |
| He fucked what? A small child asks his father: Boy: Dad, where did I come from? Dad: The Stork, son. Boy: what's wrong with you dad? Your wife is so gorgeous yet you're out fucking The Stork? |
| My wife wants to eat somewhere shes never eaten before for V-Day I told her she should try the kitchen |
| There are two types of people The ones who bang on the wall, And the ones who bang on the wall because I'm banging my girlfriend on the wall |
| Why did the computer squeak? Someone stepped on its mouse. |
| i found a place where the recycling rate is 98%. Your moms bed. |
| I feel so bad for the necrophiliac's sister She died a virgin but she sure wasn't buried one |
| What's the difference between you and a Calendar? A Calendar has a date on Valentine's day. |
| Julian Lennon messed up breakfast He tried to make eggs. He broke the yoke. Yoke! Oh! Oh no! |
| I found a place where the recycling rate is 100% This post. |
| Roses are gray. Violets are gray. I'm a dog. Happy Valentine's Day! |
| I hear the Mexicans are planning an attack on America Don't worry, we have our Trump card. |
| I bought my friend an elephant for their room. They said thank you. I said don't mention it. |
| You're laughing because I'm laughing. But I'm laughing braces I just farted. |
| This guy proposed to his wife after walking away from a terrible car accident without a scratch. He said "Life's too short and it can end at any time." She said "Honey, we've been married for 7 years. I think you have amnesia." |
| TIL you can drink lava But only once |
| First woman on mars. Houston we have a problem...OK what is it? If you don't know already I am not going to tell you. You wouldn't understand. |
| Recipe idea: rosemary and thyme lamb, without the thyme. I give you, "The Lamb That Thyme Forgot" |
| What are the two most common names of Mexican fire-fighter? JosÈ and Hose B. |
| Ice Cube was asked if there was a rock band from the 80's of which he would have sex with all the members of... ... and he said "Fuck the Police" |
| Bad Advertisement Apparently using the words "Never opened" is no good, when trying to sell a parachute.. |
| Roses are red. Cacti are thorny I just can't help that You make me horny |
| These reports of a major snowstorm hitting the Northeast don't concern me. It's all just flake news. |
| Those ads actually ran. Yep, that's the joke. Funny how reality has become a joke. |
| Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today Should have cooked it on aloha temperature |
| Why is the camel called the ship of the desert? Because its full of Arab semen. |
| What does a women say after having 3 orgasms in a row? Yeah I figured you wouldn't know. |
| The towns being evacuated under the Oroville Dam all voted Pro-Trump. Clearly those people love to live in constant fear of disaster. |
| What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don't know... but the flag is a big plus. <È< |
| A milestone Is one mile closer to the stone. |
| I floss religiously. I do it on Christmas and Easter. |
| I used to think everyone on 4chan was a virgin, But this Guy Fawkes. |
| What part of the house got busted for drugs? The attic |
| Manager : So do you think you'd be a good waiter? Me : well, you could say I bring a lot to the table. |
| An optometrist asks a woman out on a date I have a couple of ideas: 1: Dinner 2: Movies 1 or 2? 1.. 2..? 1..... or 2? |
| Did you hear about the Chinese godfather? He made him an offer he couldn't understand. |
| A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar The bartender sighs and says; "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!" |
| How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian. |
| Scientists have been trying to talk to dolphins for years. One day it just clicked. |
| They say only men and lesbians can be funny... Must be something in the pussy they're eating |
| What?s long and hard and full of semen? A Submarine. |
| Dad, how do you know if someone is drunk? Dad: Look son, you see those two people walking by?, if I had seen 4, I would've been drunk. Son: But dad, there's only one person. |
| Why did the scientist install a knocker on his/her door? He/she wanted to win the no-bell prize. |
| I thought of the first Fleshlight As it turns out it already existed but i came to it on my own |
| Why are the dinosaurs afraid of Gordon Ramsey? He took a bite from one of his prey and complained that it was "FUCKING RAAAAAAWWWWW!" |
| A lot of women turn into great drivers... So if you're a great driver, look out for women who are turning. |
| Valentines Day Flowers Blonde #1: Oh how I hate when he brings me flowers. All night I'll be on my back with my legs in the air. Blonde #2: Don't you own a vase? |
| #1 Uconn women's team going for historic 100th consecutive team in a sold out stadium against #6 South Carolina Espn2 |
| Did you hear the outrage over the rapist getting four years? And he gets to live in the White House to boot! |
| Sure Fire Pickup Line ?Get in the car bitch&&I got a gun!? |
| Why did Michael Brown cross the road? He didn't. He's dead. |
| The term OP on r/Jokes Is pretty ironic |
| I'm an avid supporter of the Flat Earth Society! I always have heated debate about it with my friend residing in the other hemisphere. |
| People in California... At first, people in California were like "Oh, we don't have enough water!" and now they're like "Oh, we have too much water!" ___ They can't make up their *dam* minds. |
| I took ribeye to the top of Everest... The steaks could not be higher. |
| Why do the riot police show up at concerts early? To beat the crowd. |
| Would you say 5 plus 7 is 13 or 5 plus 7 are 13? |
| My substitute teacher had diarrhea... She couldn't control her Pewp Hole. |
| YEE HAWWW LETS ROUND UP ALL THEM DIRTY N- Crowd : D:< Me: Nazis. . . . . Crowd: *Sigh of relief* Me: Especially Hans . . . . .Fuck Hans. |
| Police arrested two guys in the riots. One for looting batteries, the other for throwing fireworks. They charged one and let the other off. |
| A bitch ate my cookie, now the bitch is dead Apparently chocolate is bad for dogs |
| Have you heard of the new LGBTQ Music Awards? Yeah, they?re going to name it ?The Trannies? |
| Why did the hungry baby calf cross the road? To get to the udder side. |
| I got kicked out of a grocery store... for taking a leek in the vegetable aisle. |
| What do you say to a Woman with no arms or legs? Nice Tits. |
| [NSFW] Did you hear about the guy whose house was overrun with cats? Apparently it was more pussy than he could handle. |
| I am going out with my valentine tonight I wish I could post it on different sub |
| I've been suffering from an extreme form of memory loss alt-zheimers |
| Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? |
| Did you hear about the hostage situation at the spice factory? They used a cumin shield. |
| How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints. |
| I first realized we were a poor family when on my birthday I asked for the new sweet iphone. And got a candy apple. |
| If Harry Potter were about pirates: "It's Levi-O-sARRRRRRR" |
| When m'y girlfriend said let's not bother and do nothing this year for valentine's day I agreed and realised way later that included sex |
| It's hard to believe I can smoke five cigarettes on a two mile walk to work... But it's not that I'm a chainsmoker, it's just the COPD makes me walk really slow. |
| My wife told me "For Valentine's Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace" So I got her nothing. |
| US Politics are Hillaryous. |
| Women are time and money Women = time " money Time is money Women = money^2 Money is the root of all evil Therefore Women = Evil |
| What's a ninjas favorite drink? WWWAAAATTTAAAAr... |
| A pecan walks into a library... The librarian says, "so do you live in one of those little round houses? Pecan says, in a nutshell, yeah! |
| I used to be a fan... But now I'm just an air conditioner. |
| I was looking for the perfect Valentine's Day card when something caught my eye. One of the cards said "I love you and only you" I know this doesn't sound strange but it was a pack of 20 cards |
| My wife is very anti-kids and I finally got her to agree on how many kids we'll have We're having two litters. |
| Donald Trump makes the best deals. Right now he's negotiating for a better interest rate on Daylight Savings Time. |
| 3 old ladies are sitting on a bus The first one says - it's windy. Second one says - it's not Wednesday, it's Thursday. Third one says - yea, I'm thirsty too, we should buy something to drink. |
| You know your girlfriends a keeper If she wears gloves, soccer jersey and cleats |
| I've never done drugs before. I sidled up to the local drug dealer on the corner ... can I get an ounce of cocaine? look pal, I only sell grams! fuck it, give us an ounce of grams then! |
| Whats 12 inches long, purple and makes women scream in the middle of the night? Crib death |
| I need help writing a BDSM joke. I'm having trouble working out all the kinks. |
| Whats black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron |
| When did the man know it was time to dump his fat GF? When he realized it just wasn't going to work out. |
| How do you know if you have a high sperm count? She chews before she swallows. |
| So I'm dating this girl who has a twin sister, and one night I got confused and ended up fucking her dad... :/ |
| Roses are red Violets are blue I?ve got genital warts soon you will too |
| My girlfriend doesn't know any Metallica songs She couldn't name One |
| I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one. |
| You know how you can cut wood just by looking at it? You saw it. You saw it with your own two eyes. |
| A nurse walks up to the Doctor The nurse walks up to the doctor and asks... Doc, what are you doing? Doc says... I'm writing a prescription. Nurse says, but you're holding your thermometer. Doc looks at her and says God Damn it some asshole has my pen |
| I met a Soldier that survived Mustard Gas and Pepper spray He was a seasoned Veteran |
| How do you castrate Vladimir Putin? Kick Donald Trump in the chin. |
| Why did the Ancient Egyptians build Great Pyramids? Because their Great Igloos melted. |
| Knock knock KNOCKIN ON HEAVENS DOOOWUUUWAAAAAAA |
| What type of investment do chemists prefer? They have an affinity for bonds. |
| Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. D J Trump: Fake News! |
| What do you call a lesbian cavewoman? A Troglodyke! |
| What did one boat say to the other? Are you up for a little row-mance? |
| Trump is suing Male enhancement giant Viagra.. He says it's a rigged erection |
| Michael Flynn bumps into Donald Trump Pardon me. |
| How do Mexicans feel about Trumps wall? They're already over it. |
| an American and a Australian are in the trenches the American asks: did you come here to die the Australian says back: no i came here yesterday |
| Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise? "No". I thought not. It's not a story the jedi would tell you. |
| Communism. Master race. |
| I bought a dozen cup-cakes from a bakery. I got them home, opened the box and thought... that's odd. |
| An Irish man walks into a builders merchant He gets a tin of paint and puts it on the counter, then pays the cashier; the cashier asked if he'd like a bag for it. He says: "don't you worry, it's fine in the tin" |
| I used to hate the ballet Now I just watch like nobody's dancing. |
| Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park the other day? He woke up. |
| After the death The Monkees' Davy Jones... I'd like to offer mickydolenzes to his family. |
| What does Doc Brown say when he tastes good booze? "Great scotch!" |
| How do you find a blind guy at a nudist colony? It's not hard... |
| In honor of Valentine's Day - what's better than a rose on a piano? Tulips on an organ. |
| Have you ever gone out on a first date and she tells you she never sleeps with anyone until at least the third date? That's just her way of getting two more dates out of you. |
| As a musician, I've learned the best way to win a Grammy... ...is to not release your music in the same year as Adele. |
| Life is like a diploma My parents keep telling me to get one. |
| What do you call Adele's groupies? The infadeles |
| What do you call a person in love with a pie Piesexual! |
| What do you get when you spell the word "man" backwards Flashbacks |
| Why did the white girl count by odds to ten? Because she can't even |
| I found a place where the recycling rate is 52% Switzerland |
| The Oroville dam catastrophe is Trump's fault No manmade structure was designed to hold back that many liberal tears |
| Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So people don't confuse them with feminists. |
| How do you encourage a bear to eat cheese? C'mon bear! |
| What'd the cowboy say when he walked into the German car dealership? Audi... |
| I went to the house I grew up in and wanted to look around I knocked on the door and asked if I could, the people just slammed the door in my face. My parents can be so rude sometimes. |
| Why was the orchestra teacher angry? Her students were pizzing her off. |
| I just finished the first semester in college and here is a list of things I failed at: 1.) The 1st semester |
| Did you hear about the bakery that spent too much on cakes? They ended up with an antoinette loss! |
| My mother said that I'm indecisive I couldn't understand where that came from, so I asked people. "It's because you like both dogs and cats" said my boyfriend. "No, no, no. It's because she likes both tea and coffee" said my girlfriend. |
| Please pray for my daughter's soul She was born a red head. |
| Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left it. I'm sorry. My mom taught me that joke and told me that every birthday and it's my birthday today. |
| What's Trump's least favorite periodic element? Just Tin |
| Jon: walks out from the bathroom- "Hey man sorry I took so long, I was just fixing my hair" Me: "Then what happened? Did you decide not to give a fuck??" |
| The last man sat in a room. There was a knock at the door... It was a lawyer. Edit: The last human on Earth. |
| I would like to propose a toast! For honor... If you can get honor. Stay honor. But if you can't come in her, Come honor. For honor!! |
| How deep do the Sandusky genes run? All the way to boys size 12. |
| Yo mamma's so stupid She tried to use politics to determine if a vector field was conservative. |
| My wife left me after being seduced by an Asian guy. He's a real Dong Wong. I'll just show myself out... |
| What's the difference between a playing card and Africa? One is the ace of spades, the other is the space of aids. |
| What do all women at the womens marches have in common? They don't want the D |
| What's the seamonster's favourite meal? Fish & Ships |
| Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows? They're making headlines |
| I'm really torn on abortions... On the one hand, I support it because it's killing babies. On the other hand, it gives women a choice. |
| The environment is so bad. Dihydrogen monoxide now covers 70% of Earth. |
| How do you get stuck bubble gum out of your hair? Cancer! |
| I ran over a Deer.... ....dear dear old man |
| When is pasta month? I need to mark my colander. |
| I hate when people misuse "it's" and "its" Tits very annoying |
| TIL: 80% of people will believe a fact if it has a percentage in it Or so I've been told |
| TIFU by being dyslexic and kidnapping 42 people Sorry, wrong bus. |
| What's red and bad for your teeth? A Brick. |
| If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember... that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different. |
| Why is everyone scared of my hard drive? Because it has a terabyte. |
| What was the most destructive dinosaur of the prehistoric era? *Tyrannosaurus Wrecks* |
| What advice did the family therapist give to Jerry Sandusky Jr.? Always remain in-touch with the community. |
| Tomorrow, I'm going to go to my girlfriend, get on one knee, present flowers and a ring, and say... "My love for you is like these flowers and this ring. It's gonna wither and die by the end of the month and is also insanely overvalued." |
| How did you know that the exterminator was attracted to termites? Because he pitched a tent whenever he saw one... |
| Is your refrigerator running? If it's not, you better check the connections on the back, or call a maintenance guy. Hopefully you didn't lose power. I'd make sure to get it figured out soon so your food doesn't go bad. |
| Why isn't Hitler playing in Esports? I wonder why Hitler haven't been invited to a Epsorts event yet. His KD ratio was 6,000,000 to 1. |
| I might've just wrote the greatest joke of all time. But I think I'm gonna wait until someone else posts it here first though... |
| Why is Fiora always banned? Great Reposte no counterplay. |
| Can February march??? No, but April may. |
| What's the best way to get bubblegum out of your hair? Cancer. |
| What do you call her when St. Nick's wife dumps him to join a biker gang? A rebel without a Claus. |
| You're a very beautiful girl ... and you have a nice personality and a beautiful smile Girl: you just wanna get into my pants Boy: you're intelligent as well. |
| Why are women attracted to intelligent men? Opposites attract |
| I'm obsessed with pushing my penis between my legs and pretending I'm a woman. It all started when my dad used to tuck me in at night. |
| Why should you always use your middle finger on a woman? Because a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. |
| I didnt like my beard at first Then it really grew on me. |
| Are you Samarium, Arsenic, and Hydrogen? because I want to SmAsH |
| What kind of planes do rappers fly? Spitfire |
| Me: (To Reddit) will you be my valentine ??? Reddit : " I am married and i have many childs (SubReddits) " |
| Math class Teacher asks Johnny: "Imagine you have $200. And you give $50 to Jane, $50 to Suzi, $50 to Melissa. What would you have?" "An orgy?" Edited: names spelling, grammar. |
| How do bread cells divide? They sbread apart through mitoastis |
| Everyones keeps teasing me about being so damn lazy I just can't do this anymore. I think I'm just going to kill myself. But the gun is like... way over there. |
| !false It's funny cause it's true. |
| How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? Zero. |
| Sex I know, I don't get it either. |
| I'm selling an authentic French rifle.. It was never fired and only dropped once. |
| Breaking News: A movie theatre has just been robbed of over two thousand dollars The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn |
| How to properly propose to a stoner Marriage-you-wanna? |
| The bartender asks the first one "What can I get you?" Two race conditions walk into a bar. |
| What did the pea wonder before an 8 hour road trip? To pee or not to pee. |
| Why was the teacher cross eyed? Because he couldn't control his pupils. |
| Old McDonald had a farm... 2.71828 ?(-1) 2.71828 ?(-1) (5-5) |
| Manager gets caught stealing from his pizza job. Upper management says, they caught him stealing "dough". |
| What kind of bee produces milk instead of honey? A boo bee |
| Why did the muslim guy rig a competition? So he could win Allah the prizes. |
| What do you call a doctor named Otto? An ottometrist |
| Donald Trump's greeting to all Mexicans on 14th February. Happy Wallentine's Day. |
| Why were the Vandals so fat? Gravity |
| If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and looks like a duck... Then the humans will suspect nothing! |
| What is the difference between Snickers and a dick? Try Snickers sometimes |
| My father died from an overdose of Viagra recently. It's been a hard time for us. |
| Mexican word of the day: Chicken My wife tried to come to America, but thanks to trump chicken not get in. |
| Do you like duck sausage? Then duck on over here and get some. |
| What's the United States' biggest, most well-known export? Troops |
| I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant.. Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby. |
| I learned sign language It's very handy! |
| Does anyone else get as excited about Valentine's Day coming up as they do about Christmas? Or is it just because I'm Jewish? |
| You know what's really odd? Numbers that aren't divisible by two. |
| My grandpa said to me: "I don't think these "Free (someone)" things are working..." "I mean I've seen millions of these "Free Wifi" -signs through the years, but as far as I know, the poor bastard hasn't been freed yet!" |
| What do you call the cleavage of a woman with fake breasts? Silicone Valley |
| How does Hellen Keller drive? One hand on the steering wheel, the other on the road |
| This administration is doing everything they can as quickly as possible So much so, even their scandals are Russian. |
| What did the gay horse eat for brunch? Hay HAY Hay |
| There's one good thing about being a porn star. You're always going to be satisfied with the job. |
| Some women love playing hard to get. Closing their blinds, locking their doors, calling the police... |
| I hate it when it heils outside... I always blame the Nazis. |
| A Girls Sleepover Amy: Truth or dare? Lingling: Truth. Amy: Where's Sarah's dog? Lingling: Dare. **lmao this is old asf and i am in no way racist, this just made me laugh** |
| My aunt Marge has been in hospital for a while. I can't believe she's not better. |
| Mr and Mrs.. Mr and Mrs Sterile have no children. |
| Why are women so clueless? They never bothered with the "Y". |
| If it looks like a duck, and sounds like a duck... It probably identifies as a napkin and how dare you assume it's species. |
| Californians hate walls so much... They cried until the Oroville dam collapsed. |
| A man drove his car into a tree. He found out how a Mercedes bends. |
| I found a place where the recycling rate is 98% /r/Jokes |
| I wanted to make a joke about chemistry tests But NaH |
| What did scorpion say to your ugly mum Stay oveerrr there |
| Finding the perfect shower temperature on the first try is like my girlfriend Non existent, but I hope every day. |
| A dick has a sad life if you think about it His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy and to top it all off, his owner beats him regularly. |
| Why did the invisible man quit his new job? He just couldn't see himself doing it. |
| What do you call it when a Mexican provides hands-on internet services? Emanuel Labor |
| PSA: You should all donate money to testicular cancer research. It's a no-ball cause. (But seriously you should) |
| I'm a very busy businessman, but my wife still demanded that I take her out for valentine's day... Vinnie, my hitman, said he'd do it for me. |
| Shopping Cart racing Every time I see someone racing their shopping cart down the parking lot I secretly hope they run into a car. Wham! |
| Jehovah's witnesses are always banging on my door everyday Joke's on them, I'm never letting them out of my basement. |
| The choice for president came down to two candidates: the moody bitch or Hillary Clinton. |
| Did you hear about the troublesome teaspoon? It went into the kitchen and caused a stir. |
| I was standing in line for hours showing my appreciation to everyone I met. It was a thanqueue. |
| I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day, and she said "Something long and powerful that vibrates." I hope she likes her new weed eater! |
| Who's the father of corny jokes? Popcorn! |
| Why are Jewish men usually circumcised? Because Jewish women won't take anything that's less than 10% off |
| Who is Trump's favorite YouTuber? CrazyRussianHacker. |
| My mum calls me Scott, but my friends call me when they want something |
| My friend is trying to convince me to replace all my skin with a plush brown material But I won't be suede |
| I was doing CPR the other day And wow, that sure is a work out, it really....gets the blood moving |
| Never swallow scrabble tiles... That shit could spell disaster |
| What kind of tea is hard to swallow sometimes? Re-ali |
| What marker is only sold in shady areas? Mr. Sketch. |
| A woman gets a new number She sends a text message to her husband. W - "Hi honey, this is my new number. Can't wait to see you tonight" M - "Hey babe. I can't tonight. I'm having dinner with my wife" |
| How do pirates have babies? They Aaarrrrrrrrrrtificially Inseminate. |
| it all The title says it all. |
| During science class at school, I lowered the pressure and temperature in my lab flask, and introduced some tiny ice crystals to it. But my tutor stopped me and sent me home for trolling. How was I supposed to know it was bad to trigger snowflakes! |
| Have you ever noticed that Ireland is just one sea away from.... Iceland |
| My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day. So I bought her a helmet and some crayons. |
| It must be hard working as a prostitute. After all, work just comes and goes. |
| For the valentines spirit Roses are red violets are blue I am pregnant but it is not from you |
| roses are red, violets are blue in soviet russia, poems write you. |
| my friends carter and jack that's it. that's the joke. |
| How did Anne Frank tie her shoes? In little Nazis! |
| I recently came into some money. You should have seen the look on the cashier's face |
| My sister can't stop having sex. I think she's addickted. |
| You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions. |
| The pathology lab was robbed last night. The stool samples were gone! The supervisor couldn't believe it. He lost his shit. |
| How do you call a vegetarian spy? A Spynach |
| Valentine day gift Husband : What do you want for Valentine Day ?? Wife : Give me One Ring, that's enough .. Husband : From Landline or Mobile ?? |
| When I went to pay for my items in a spiritualist shop I noticed a sign saying 'Queue on the other side'. So I killed myself. |
| What My Girlfriend Thought, First four Dates: 1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. OK, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts. |
| Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A: A quarter pounder with cheese. |
| Why was the pencil s bad influence on the paper ? His darkness rubbed off on him |
| *Airhorn sound* *Second airhorn sound* Me: "Well this clearly isn't deodorant." |
| Celebrating birthdays is good Numerous studies say that people who celebrate more birthdays live for longer |
| What's the best thing about John Cena jokes? You can't see them coming |
| A rich guy dies and goes to the gates of heaven. He offers Peter gold, thinking he can buy his way in. Peter looks at it and says, "You brought me pavement?" |
| Posting a joke on a Reddit is like going in a bar. Sometimes you get lucky, but most of the time you just lose your self esteem |
| Why did the frog cross the road? Some geeky kid in the 80's forced it to. |
| How Many Times is This Shit Going to Get Reposted? Doesn't matter you Reddit anyway. |
| How did Trump avoid discovery when all of the main means of communication were being traced? He used the alternative fax. |
| What's black and eats pussy? Cervical cancer. |
| [NSFW] What does the South side of Chicago hate about their police chief? His subject matter is poorly executed. |
| Cage the Elephant only won the Grammy out of pity... ...because they're originally from Bowling Green, and everyone was sorry for the loved ones they lost. |
| I just dropped my phone in a load of mayo. What the hellman! |
| What's the smallest organ in a goat? An ISIS members' dick. |
| What's Batman's favorite drink? Nothing...just ice |
| 4 hookers How do you get 4 hookers on to one stool? Turn It upside down. |
| I was at a party and I lost my watch I started looking throughout the house, and when I turn a corner there's a guy standing on my timepiece, borderline groping and harassing a girl. So I go up and punch the guy, that's not gonna happen. Not on my watch. |
| roses are red, violets are blue, pornhub is down; your facebook will do |
| Dad, Am I adopted ? I don't know, ask your other dad. |
| Communism jokes aren't funny Unless everyone gets them |
| American Billionaire Grant Cardone is seeing a top psychiatrist. Apparently, he has a huge apartment complex. |
| The worlds 4 most famous partially sighted musicians have got together. They're starting a focus group. |
| What kind of bees make milk? *boo*-bees |
| I spend my valentines days like aging racist. Sad and alone. |
| Humanity must have an Oedipus complex Because they all want to fuck mother nature. |
| Breaking: Donald Trumps hair has been reported as missing Police are combing the area |
| Why do they have bar codes on the returning Swedish fleet? So they can Scandinavian. |
| I once got into so much debt I couldn't even afford my electricity bills, they were the darkest times of my life. |
| What do you call two eco terrorists humping a tree? A treesome! |
| Back then, if I wanted to see her panties, I had to lift her skirt. Today, if I want to see her panties, I have to spread her butt cheeks. |
| ELI5 why can you get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once? Whooops wrong sub! |
| I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend... Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side. |
| I hope I leave this world the same way I came into it... Wrecking an 18-year-old's pussy. |
| It all The title says it all |
| I have this theory about the origin of orgies. It all started with a big bang! |
| Whats the different between batman and a black man? Batman can go out without robin ;) |
| A boy asks the Priest... "Why do you use a Samsung phone?" "To remind me that the apple was the first sin." "So you are an atheist?" "Of course not! Why do you think that?" "Because I have notes on why Samsung's phones always end with a big bang!" |
| I finally watched Girl on the Train. I guess you could say there's a real twist at the end... |
| I got a venereal disease from a girl in a wheelchair Now I'm handiclapped |
| What is a gang member's favorite skateboarding trick? A cripflip |
| Ever tasted Ethiopian food? Neither have they. |
| This girl kept saying how Brits drank too much tea and how she hated it. But she didn't seem too happy when I took her tea shirt off. |
| I hate people who always sit on the fence with two opinions. Having said that, I love them. |
| What's wrong with that 5 year old Ethiopian? He's having a mid-life crisis |
| What currency do they use in outer space? Starbucks. |
| I just removed my sister's bra. She said, "Stop wearing my bra's." |
| Valentine's Day is around the corner and I don't know what to get my partner... I mean, what do you get for your left hand? |
| How do you milk sheep? With iPhone accessories. |
| How did the Scarecrow, win the award? He was out standing in his field |
| What do you call a guy who gets lots of blowjobs? Successful |
| I bumped into Liam Gallagher in Manchester the other day and he told me this joke. "What do Blur and Iranians have in common?" They're both shiite |
| Why couldn't William Shakespeare go to the pub? Because he was bard! |
| The most attractive thing about your mom... Is her gravitational pull |
| An atheist, a vegan and a CrossFitter walk into a bar I only know because they told everyone within two minutes |
| So the bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve time travelers here" A time traveler walk into a bar |
| Roses are red Raindrops are dank My father died. How?, my repulsive ass stank (not funny, but a valentines day related joke) |
| What do you get when you cross an octopus with an electric eel? A shocktopus. |
| A boss wanted fire one of his coworkers Boss: "I'm sorry but you are fired" Coworker: "why? I didn't do anything?" Boss: "Bingo" |
| Has anyone found a date for Valentine's? I did! It's on 14th Feb! Laugh please I'm pathetic |
| How did the Ancient Greeks seperate the men from the boys? With a crowbar. |
| Knock Knock Who's there? Me. Me who? I didn't know you had a cat. |
| A woman cried and slammed the door of the restroom . . . seeing how she grimaced, the janitor asked if there was someone in the toilet, to which the woman responded "Almost!" |
| I can never understand organic chemistry. It has alkynes of problems. |
| I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind. |
| What do trees do when they get mad at each other? Throw shade |
| What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face. |
| Did you hear about the kid-napping at the school? Well, he's fine. He's awake now. |
| I've been told I'm a "real catch" by the ladies. *Lady doctors. Apparently I have all sorts of viruses. |
| Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"? Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you." |
| I saw a seagull I saw a huge seagull this morning. It was big enough to be a D gull... But not quite big enough to be an eagle. One thing's for sure, it definitely wasn't a beagle. |
| Why is a river so rich? Because it has two banks |
| When a fire breaks out at a swingers convention It causes premature evacuation. |
| How do you make a handkerchief dance? Put a little boogie in it. |
| How do you deal with a bunch of clowns? You go for the juggler. |
| What do we want? A cure for tourrettes. When do we want it? FUCKING SHIT CUNT! |
| Donald Trump loves chewing 5 Gum He wants to Stimulate his Pences. |
| What do you call a cow running through tall grass? Udderly Tickled |
| What I find most sexy in a girl is her personality Girl: Oh good, cus I have several of those! Guy: Uh... what? Girl: _Shh!_ don't _listen_ to _her!_ |
| What do black men do after sex? 15 years to life |
| What if Cee-Lo Green wrote a poem? I see you drivin' 'Round town with the girl I love And I'm like haiku |
| For my wife's birthday, I got a guy to follow her all day making bee noises. She really wanted a hummer. |
| When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway. |
| When my doctor suspects sexual transmission Doctor: it could be a sexually tran... Me: not unless I got it from a toilet seat Me:( |
| Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen. |
| Breaking news: An entire shipment of Viagra has been stolen The polices are looking for a gang of hardened criminals |
| This 70 year old guy walks in to his favorite bar with his new 25 year old bride Everyone is totally amazed at the sight, then one of his buddy's asked how did you get this young thing to marry you. .. ........Told her I was 80... |
| A German chemistry student holds up a small vial of HCn. The professor asks him if he's done with the lab. He says, "Yes, professor, this is my final solution." |
| What is the longest and hardest thing for a black man? 3rd grade |
| Why are ghosts impotent? Because they have a hollow-weenie sorry |
| My roomate scared me as I was leaving the bathroom I guess I got scared shitless. |
| I've decided that I like the alt-right It feels good to jerk my dick with my left hand from time to time. |
| The real reason it floods after the levee breaks? Nobody gives a dam. |
| Adele requested and got a reset/restart on her song at the Grammy because she messed up The Atlanta Falcons would also like to replay the 4th Quarter of the Superbowl |
| Got my rabbits balls chopped off Friend: So how'd they taste? |
| The reason why Bill Gates is paying for Donald Trump's wall He knows no Juan in Mexico can foot the bill. |
| What do you call a cow with no legs... Ground beef. |
| [Math] Hey girl, want to come over and integrate? Unfortunately, After every time we +e^x I am left with an e^x |
| I love sleeping so much! \* Opens my eyes \* Doctor: You were in Coma for four years. Me: Just five more minutes please. \* Goes back to sleep \* |
| I had a Freudian slip with my wife tonight. I meant to ask her to "feed the dogs." Instead I said, "You ruined my life, you soul sucking, evil beast." |
| A blind man walks into a bar... And a chair, and a table. |
| Breaking News: Samsung has agreed to work with Bill Gates on Trump's wall On the condition to recycle Samsung Galaxy Note 7 |
| Sex with three people is called a threesome. Sex with two people is called a twosome. That is why they call me handsome. |
| A naked lady walks into a bar with a parrot on her shoulder. The bartender says That's a nice pig you got there. The woman says it's not a pig it's a parrot. The bartender says I was talking to the parrot. |
| How do you circumcise a whale? 4 skin divers. |
| I accidently lost some chromosomes today Now I'm feeling rather down |
| Love is an open~ Relationship |
| What did the man who went to get circumcised say? Just a little off the top |
| I bought shoes from a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day |
| If I hear one more pun about whale food... I'm gonna krill myself. |
| Who's the first Jewish guy to ever win a Heisman trophy? "Fred Goldman cause he took mine!" - OJ Simpson |
| Why don't bald people use keys? Because they don't have any locks |
| I think Trump's wife just goes to show... Immigrants do the jobs average Americans won't. |
| I accidentally butt dialed my proctologist once... I told him it was an accident... he said I was full of shit |
| The hardest part about having sex with a tranny is not coming. Because once you come, you regret. |
| Know why you can't hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom? The P is silent |
| What do you call to Donald Trump's business card? A trump card |
| What do you call gambling currency that can't melt steel beams? Bet fuel |
| What happened to Ed Sheeran's girlfriend? She ran. |
| Did you know that animals make a different sounds depending what part of the world you are in....? For example, in China, Dogs makes a sizzling sound! *I know I am going to hell for this but this was an old joke that was told to me. * |
| A black guy with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar The bartender asks: Hey cool, where'd you get it? The parrot says: Africa |
| Why do ghosts have trouble meeting girls at bars? Because they're only there for the boos. |
| Obese people are a very large portion of the population. |
| What does Superman put in his drink? Just ice. |
| What's the worst name for a history lesson? A crash course on 9/11 |
| What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog. |
| What did the squiggly line say to the angle? Your acute. (Squiggly line because gay because squiggly line =/= straight) |
| What did trump say to Chinese president in a phone call? "I will bomb Hiroshima Again" |
| Breaking News: As if it isnt broken fucking enough |
| Need a joke for valentines card Valentines is tomorrow and i just wondering anyone could tell me a jokes so i can write on it to my gf Thank you!! |
| My dad won the lottery after having a stroke Guess it was a stroke of luck. |
| For Sale: French WWII Rifle Never fired. Only dropped once. |
| A Trump supporter is glad the election is finally over & can go back to watching his favorite show on MSNBC... he can now keep up with how his cousin, brother, & wife are doing while watching Lockup: Wichita. |
| Damn girl, are you Muslim? 'cause that ass is bomb. |
| I painted my computer black so that it would run faster, but now it doesn't work. |
| If it's yellow, let it mellow If it's brown, stop it at the border and submit it to extreme vetting. |
| Did you hear about the movie in which a young fat lady gets kidnapped? Its called "Beauty and the feast" |
| What did one muffin say to the other? 'Whew! It's hot in this oven!' How did the other muffin reply? 'Holy shit! A talking muffin!' Go easy on me, it's my first post to reddit. |
| They say people who stammer aren't idiots But I'm not so sure about that, considering the only word longer than four syllables they know is "T-t-t-t...." |
| How do you give a vampire a concussion? Hit it with a bat |
| Redneck murders are hard to solve. Never any dental records and all the DNA's the same. |
| My alarm clock decided to leave me tomorrow. It would've left yesterday, but it's taking its time. |
| Why did the Spanish guy rob a train? He had a *loco*-motive |
| What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 50 pounds. |
| Luke cage In marvels luke cage everyone thinks that luke has super powers because he's bullet proof. But bullet proof black people isn't a super power it's straight up evolution. |
| My toilet left me today Guess it couldn't take my crap anymore. |
| I just realized how gay my clothes are. They come out of the closet every morning. |
| What kind of deodorant do dwarves use? They don't like to choose but when they do they pickaxe |
| Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they're going to pay. You have my Word. |
| The final solution to manspreading. So my Jewish friend informed me that his mom was low key, unimpressed with his "manspreading". I feel bad; the rabbi could avoid all of this by cutting off just a bit more. |
| Hey Sue, wouldn't it be lovely to take a nice walk today? "That would be lovely!" Great! Will you bring back some crisps and beer? |
| I have the most boring job of all... I run an oil drill rig. |
| She was a whisky maker.. ..but I loved her still. |
| What do you call a black man standing on a street corner? A crack dealer |
| The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri... Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water. |
| Why doesn't Sean Spicer wear a sign that says everything that comes out of his mouth is BS? Because that would be redundant. |
| Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.... My friend was wearing one and got shot by the woman's husband. |
| Bill Gates and Steve Jobs Talk At A Bar After a Long Day of Gettin' Money Bill: So I went to the bank yesterday to talk about a loan Steve: What do you need a loan for? Bill: Oh, I don't. The bank does. |
| I'm sorry that I sent you Donald Trump Reddit replies: Username checks out! |
| What's the difference between Michael Jackson and an Xbox? One is turned off by children. |
| What do u get when an alien barges into your bathroom while you're taking a shower? An invasion of privacy. |
| Life is like a box of chocolates I don't like chocolate |
| What's the problem with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don't think they're funny, and other people don't think they're jokes. |
| How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb? Apparently not three because my basement is still dark. |
| Hey, what does a fire sit on? It's Ash |
| In some situations in life, I find that you just need a little push. I might be a door. |
| What do you call a piano player with no arms or legs? Clever dick. |
| What do you call Chewbacca's Chinese cousin? A Fortune Wookie |
| [NSFW] If sleeping with an Asian gets you your yellow belt, what do you get when you sleep with a Muslim? A suicide belt |
| What's the difference between tired and exhausted? When you run in front of a car, you get tired. When you run behind a car, you get exhausted. |
| Adele didn't originally want to perform at the Grammy's but they bugged the crap out of her till she said yes. They must've called a thousand times. |
| Caught my penis cheating on my wife today. Luckily after a few beatings, it learned it's lesson. |
| If you are deaf and you have Parkinson's... ...is that like having a stutter? |
| You know how they say "a woman's work is never done"? Maybe that is why they get paid less. |
| Ordered 4 drinks at McDonald's..... ....so they wouldn't think all 50 chicken nuggets were for me. |
| Italian Army tanks have five gears Four reverse, one forward (in case they get attacked from the rear) |
| If a dog played soccer, who would the dog play for? BARKELONA |
| My Grandfather told me my generation is to reliant on technology. I told him, "no Grandpa, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support. |
| What do electrical engineers use to clean up their equations? A handkirchoff. |
| It must suck to have your period on valentines day But an even bigger pain in the ass. |
| Now that Russia decriminalized spousal beatings.. Men are finally Putin(g) women in their place |
| What do Jim Carrey and Bane have in common? No one cared who they were 'til they put on the mask. |
| I just put my hair in a bun. It wasn't very nice, I think I'll try it with a croissant next time. |
| My favourite sport starts with a "T". It's golf. |
| My neighbours named their child "Saturn". That's not something I'd call my child, but it has got a ring to it. |
| I love dead baby jokes Because they never get old. |
| I asked my wife where she wanted to go for dinner. She said, "Somewhere that has fish." So I pushed her in the river. |
| Why does Trump think the food stamps program is unnecessary? Because he's constantly providing us with low hanging fruit. |
| My girlfriend and I were moving each others comic book collection and now we both have to see a chiropractor. Because we both have back issues. |
| I told my wife I'm her trophy husband... Too bad it's just a participation trophy. |
| China built a wall... That's why you don't see any Mexican in China. |
| A Cheesy Joke My family spent all of today calling me by different cheese names. I told them I just wanted to be left provolone. |
| Only When you perfect the art of fishing and baiting hooks.. Will you become a Master Baiter |
| What do you call a primate that works out? A Gym-panzee. |
| Is there a reason you ate that entire fish sandwich? To be honest, I did it for the halibut. |
| Schools should have a class designed for introverts... *anti-social studies* |
| what is blue and has 27 tits? the trashbag at a cancer clinic. |
| I just made life a whole lot simpler for an overweight friend of mine... I explained to him that every restaurant in town is an "all you can eat" place. |
| What did the internet say to it's history? "Cache me outside, how 'bout dat?" |
| What do you call a ginger Mormon? An orang Utahn |
| Why did the princess marry the barbarian? Because she thought he was brutiful |
| Coding Jokes post coding jokes I will <br> your heart |
| It's not fair to compare Trump to Hitler. Hitler appreciated the arts. |
| Do you know the most outstanding thing about our illegal immigrants? Their warrants. (Here come the down-votes!) |
| Who are the most decent people at a hospital? The ultra sound people |
| What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? Harry Potter rode the train back. I'm not apologizing. |
| In which mountain range do fruit trees primarily grow? The Apple-achian mountains. |
| I used to smoke weed in the 90's Now I don't care what temperature it is |
| So an Irish man walks out of a pub. What? It could happen. |
| What did Mary say when she saw Jesus with a massive erection? He has risen. |
| Did you hear about the potato the Russians put into space? They called it Spudnik |
| I use to like going skiing. But that hobby... Went downhill so fast |
| The government in this town is excellent, and uses your tax dollars efficiently. |
| I hate milking cows, every time I do it... It makes me shUDDER. |
| As a wine enthusiast, I am appalled by Trump's recent executive orders. What right does he have to ban sommeliers from entering this country? |
| I was walking past a construction site and the guy hammering on the roof called me a paranoid little weirdo... ...in morse code. [Credit goes to Emo Phillips] |
| Why does a squirrel swim on it's back? To keep his nuts dry |
| Did you hear about the drunk guy who got suplexed? He was waisted. |
| How big was the iceberg that sank the Titanic? Cap size |
| Uriel Uriel goes to Michael. "I am going to become a muse. Here's my flaming sword." "What will you use instead?" "My pen, idiot!" |
| Some crocodiles can grow 17-20 ft But most have 4 |
| Lost my job today... Told my boss I was always late cause I had diarrhea .. he told me I was full of shit |
| Kellyanne Conway gets caught cheating. "How could you? I've loved and trusted you and this is how you treat me?" "What about Hillary Clinton's Emails?" |
| I was inquiring about seating for two at a new restaurant and they asked if I had reservations... I said that I had some, but that I was willing to give it a try. |
| I remember when Squeeze Theorem used to be called The Sandwich Theorem. Damn Political Correctness |
| What can you make with epileptic lettuce? A seizure salad |
| What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta |
| If you're ever attack by a group of clowns.... Make sure to go for the juggler. |
| Why did Germany almost go bankrupt? Because the Holo-cost a lot of money. Anne Frankly, it wasn't worth it. |
| Billy Joel walks into a bar. The barman says ?Bill, I believe this is killing me.? As the smile ran away from his face. |
| I use to be in a horse back riding club... But I got kicked out for horsing around. |
| What did the egg say when it turned up? Om lit |
| What's the most OUTSTANDING thing about our illegal immigrants? Their warrents. |
| Someone just asked me if I'd take a bullet for the last person I had sex with Sure, she's a bitch, but of course I'd take a bullet for my cousin. |
| I use to be a car racer... But I didn't have the drive for it and I drifted away from that career. |
| The reason for the wage gap is that men have high paying jobs like doctor, lawyer, etc. while women usually have lower paying jobs... ...like female doctor, female lawyer, etc. |
| What did the yeast say to the flour? Do you want to make some dough, Sugar? |
| What is the easiest way to tell if somebody is vegan? Oh, don't worry. They'll tell you. |
| Hellen Keller walks into a bar... Then a stool. Then a table. |
| Snowboarding seems like the gayest sport. Is involves lubricant for the equipment, you're quite often on your knees and at the end of the day your butt hurts. |
| A joke for St. Patricks Day What is long, green, and has an asshole every 3 feet? A St. Patricks Day Parade |
| 2 Danish guys just tried stealing the toilet paper from my Air BnB bringing shame upon their entire country! Worst viking raid ever! |
| So I was telling my dad That the entire team that worked on finding Nemo had to take fish biology 101. Then he says "so does it ever bother you that the fish are talking?" That was the hardest I laughed in a while |
| Making love while camping is the best It's fucking in tents |
| My bakery was recently robbed. Now, I've seen a lot of robberies before... But this takes the cake! |
| Why was the snowman no good at big games? He got cold feet |
| How many testicles does an Oak have? Tree |
| The only mistake I ever made... Was buying a pencil with an eraser on it. |
| Never forget the pickle on your burgers It's kind of a big dill |
| What do you call a guy thats half Mexican and half Chinese that wears only one sneaker? Juan Chu |
| What is the difference between male and female? Fe |
| What does a mexican use to cut his pizza? Little Caesars |
| Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall On the condition he gets to install windows. |
| My Son got sent home from school for the third time this year for letting a girl wank him off in class... ...I told him "maybe teaching isn't for you.." |
| What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs? Cash and carry. |
| I would tell you to listen to my favorite Kendrick Lamar song... But it's just alright. |
| How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? It doesn't matter, because feminists can't change anything. |
| Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Whatever it is it's heading straight for the world trade center. |
| Did you hear about the people that became octophobes after going to the buffet? They eight too much! |
| I don't understand how people of color can be discriminated against Aren't we all hue, man? |
| Girlfriend said I need to moisturize I told her I moist my eyes every day when I think of what Europe has become. |
| What do you do when a epileptic's having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in. |
| I used to be addicted to the hokey pokie But then I turned myself around. |
| A black man, a mexican man and an asian walk into a bar... and they are all accepted and welcomed. Now isn't that refreshing? |
| What do you call pasta made by a jamaican sex pest? Harrastapasta |
| My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and dump them in the river. I did it, but it broke my heart. I quite liked her dad. |
| Baby are you an ether? Coz you get my pp up. |
| Why is it that if a girl has a lot of sex with guy she's a slut... But if a guy does it he's gay? |
| A failed tv presenter, a disgraced newspaper editor and a phone hacker walk into a bar.... ..and the barman says "What'll it be, Piers?" |
| Hear about the gay Irishmen? Phillip Dune and James Mcavity |
| I went to the clothes store where all women's pants were half-off. But all the women there were fully dressed. Fucking liars. |
| TIFU by vomiting on a cute co-worker I told her, "Next time, lunch is on me." |
| People are like trashcans When you step on their feet, their mouth opens. |
| I come from a town where you have to keep a whale on you at all times. If you don't, they issue you a cetacean. |
| Hey Hitler, where are the showers? >They are down the hall, on the third reich. |
| The oven and the woman are just alike Because you have to get them both hot before you stick the meat in. |
| How to fix the wage gap. Wagegap |
| What did the Doc say to Scotty? Great Scott. |
| The doorbell rang so the son went to open the door. - How is it? - I'm the house owner, I'm here to collect rent. - Mom! It's the owner. Do you have money or should I go play outside again? |
| Why should you never buy a twin a basket of fruit? Because they come in pairs. |
| This joke about the Earth's rotation Just made my day |
| How many cabinet members does it take to screw in a light bulb? All of them but they still can't do it |
| Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut? "NASA: The Sky's The Limit" |
| If space aliens landed in the U.S. today they would say Take us to your leader |
| I'm 35 and I've never been in a serious relationship. My wife wouldn't like to hear that, though. |
| Hey, what's difference between Trump and Goatse.cx? I can't tell cause they're both YUUUUGE assholes. |
| What do you call a dog that pees on the mat? Ono-mat-o-poeia |
| what is it called when your crush has a crush on you too? Imagination. |
| Teacher: Today's topic is DEMOCRACY Teacher: What is Democracy? Students: Today's topic. |
| I walked into a bar It really hurt |
| I can't believe you blew your co-worker! Girlfriend: I didn't, I swear Me: Oh come on, cough it up. |
| what's the difference between neil armstrong and michael jackson? neil armstrong walked on the moon and michael jackson fucked little kids. |
| ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds'' So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''. |
| I hate flying back from China It's really disorienting. |
| Why do Jews get circumcised? 1. Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't at least 10% off. 2. Because they never leave a tip. 3. Because there's no end to those pricks. |
| My girlfriend was standing and looking in the bedroom mirror ... She wasn't happy with what she saw, and said to me, "I feel horrible. I look fat and ugly. Could you give me a compliment?" I looked over at her and said, "Well, your eyesight is perfect." |
| "Honey, I think I'm ugly...." So I pulled her infront of a mirror, stood right next to her and said: "Darling, I mean look a that sexy smile, that beautiful hair and those eyes....Just wow. No wonder you feel ugly next to me!" |
| Who the fuck does Bernie Sanders think he is? Not MY president! |
| Which Netflix show best sums up America today? Orange Is the New Black. |
| What direction did the pirate go to get his bread?? Yeast!! |
| John robbed some coffee from Starbucks the other day. The police are charging him for mugging. |
| I lost 10kg last week I can't seem find that dumbbell anywhere. |
| How do you tell if a blond has been working at your computer? There's white out all over the screen |
| I can't wait for the 14th It will be the 68th anniversary of the Bank of England opening |
| When did the nerd get out of bed? 13:37 |
| Why did Helen Keller have yellow legs? Her dog was blind too. |
| What do you call a flying jew? Smoke. |
| Why do women have trouble parking? Guys always give them the wrong idea of what six inches is! |
| So everyone is appreciating Newton for inventing gravity... ...well, I don't. We could've all been flying now if it wasn't for that goddamn apple. |
| When I get home from work, my wife lets me put my feet up... When we first met, I stuggled to get two fingers up... |
| What's the difference between a good joke and A bad joke timing |
| My doctor said I had 10 hours to live So I killed him and the judge gave me 30 yearsˇ! |
| If your girlfriend starts smoking Slow down and start using a lubricant |
| Hear about the two gay Irishmen? William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam. |
| Policeman stops a tandem. Excuse me sir. I think you've lost your wife back down the road. Thank god for that. I thought I'd gone deaf. |
| Why did the hipster burn his lips? He ate his pizza before it was cool |
| I have Picturegraphic memory. Is that the word; picturegraphic? Can't remember long words. |
| So what if I don't know what 'few' means? It doesn't mean a lot. |
| Why doesn't Alabama have calculus teachers. They don't like integration. |
| Why didn't cheese want to be sliced? It had grater plans. |
| My lesbian friend is very ill& It seems she's lacking vitamin D. |
| I told my girlfriend I'd buy her a wedding ring if she gave me a blowjob. She's a sucker for love. |
| Bought Animal Skin Jackets at 60% off. It was a great *offur.* |
| I wish people would stop acting like Chuck Norris is a god If he really is so good why doesn't he teleport behind me and slam my head into the keyboard then hhjfdjusodbfhzoakcblkqoscsnjqpqkc |
| Dentist: This will hurt. Patient: OK. Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife since last year. |
| Sometimes I wonder Why is that frisbee getting bigger? And then it hits me. |
| I made my girlfriend puke She likes dirty talk |
| Cashews are expensive, almonds are expensive. Peanuts are cheaper. How about deer nuts? You find them under a buck. |
| My friend told me I should start deadlifting. Otherwise the police would certainly find the body. |
| Did you hear what happened to the tap dancer.. He fell into the sink |
| Warning: Game of Thrones Spoilers Will make your car look fucking stupid |
| People are like bananas Nobody likes the black ones. |
| Whats the difference between fingering and fondling? About 12 years |
| If the Bald Eagle is the symbol of freedom and the Dove is the symbol of peace, what bird is the symbol of love? The swallow. |
| Why don't you tell jokes women on their periods? Because they always OVARY-act! |
| Why do women have legs? Have you ever seen the mess a snail leaves behind! |
| How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit a lot |
| Why do cows wear bells Because their horns don't work |
| It's not easy being a self made man Unless you have an Oedipus complex and a time machine. |
| What do Donald Trump and Princess Toadstool have in common? They both say "Im Peach?" in the same tone. |
| A lady goes to the doctor, for results of a test she took. Doctor: Mrs. Jones, I have some great news for you! Lady: Miss, not Mrs. Doctor: Miss Jones, I have some bad news for you. |
| Did you hear about the marsupial who was rejected at his job interview? He didn't meet any of the *koala*fications |
| Valentine's Day is coming But it looks like YOU won't be. |
| Two antennas get married . . . . . . the ceremony was average but the reception was outstanding |
| What do you call a content Asian woman? Lo-Meintenance |
| It's very difficult to gather mushrooms in Chernobyl they scramble in all directions when you walk up to them. |
| A riddle: "I'm twenty-two. Hold are you, dad?" His dad replies, "Son, I'm your age, plus half of my own." How old is his father? . . . . . . . . . . . . . Answer: 74, Alzheimers just caught him early. |
| Something about my mom's vagina feels odd to me but I can't put my finger on it. |
| You're playing poker like a Buddhist... ...you're working on the eight fold path |
| Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months. |
| Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion Probably because Mexico has more aliens |
| So, I breathed air in modern america. Now the PC police are arresting me for theft of air. |
| A Mexican and a black person are riding in a car. Who's driving? A cop. |
| Most pre-historic vegetables have been lost to time... But the beet goes on. |
| A man and a Jew are sitting on a bridge... ... The man sticks his foot in the water and says, "The water is quite cold." The Jew sticks his nose in and says, "It is also very deep." |
| A group of Fibonaccis walk into the bar The first two walk up to the bar. The bartender looks at them sternly and says, "One of you two better fuckin' order something." |
| I had the worst first day of work ever today! ... looking back, maybe I should have noticed something was sketchy about the job posting... "Now hiring at county jai. Position available: Massage Therapist... Space not provided." |
| Where did the proctologist go to college? Pro State University I'll see myself out. |
| I finally quit drinking . . .at about 3 o'clock in the morning. (You guys can have that one.) <3 |
| So a Black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder... The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?" "Africa!", says the parrot. |
| What did the vegetables say at the garden party? Lettuce turnip the beet |
| I'm not retarded! I just appear slow because my intellect and wit are respectively so massive and quick, that they are subject to relativistic time dilation. |
| If the Green Man lives in the Green House and the Blue Man lives in the Blue House, who lives in the White House? The Orange Man |
| You know what the best place to get the most unbiased news from? The weather channel. |
| Why did the boy leave the angyr orchestra? There was too much violins |
| What's a metalhead's favourite spud? Mosh-pitatoes. |
| A grocery store employee approaches a wise-looking Indian man wearing a turban and a luxuriously long beard The employee tells the man, "Sir, you should see a doctor!" "Why do you say that?" he responds, puzzled. "Because you're looking a little Sikh!" |
| A dolphin goes into the bar. The barman says, 'Well, that was a bloody big tsunami!' |
| What do lawyers wear to court? *Lawsuits* |
| How does Lady Gaga like her steaks? Raw Raw RaAaAw |
| I made an accidental pun today... I guess it was kinda "PUNintentional" |
| So I slept with my girlfriends dad... But she's a twin so it's an easy mistake right? |
| A customer walks in a minute before closing and asks if the store is still open. The clerk responds, "As open as a casket at a funeral. I shouldn't be, but I am." |
| What's the difference between Goatse and Donald Trump? None at all. They're both yuuge assholes. |
| A lynx walks into a bar A lynx walks into a bar and says "Hey Barkeep! Mix me up a... ... ... Jackrabbit." The bartender says, "you got it buddy, but what's with the big paws?" |
| I masturbate with soap Just thought I should come clean |
| I'm thirsty Hello Thursday, I'm Friday. Let's go out Saturday and have a Sunday |
| I was trying to understand how horse's reflexes work And then it hit me. |
| I fucked a fat chick in an elevator. It was wrong in so many levels... |
| This girl said she never wants to see me again I guess you can say she gave me a wrist-training order |
| I could tell you a black joke, but you heard Jamal. |
| Moses comes down from Mt Sinai and stands before the people "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that I got him down to ten. The bad news is that he's adamant about the adultery bit." |
| Liverpool FC have banned the Sun from their stadium. Seems kind of pointless, I mean it always rains in England anyway. |
| I recently had sex with a girl who I thought I was legal age A wave of horror came over me when I noticed her toe tag said "15 years old" |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_10.txt |
|---|
| @@ -0,0 +1,678 @@ |
|---|
| Liverpool FC have banned the Sun from their stadium. Seems kind of pointless, I mean it always rains in England anyway. |
| I recently had sex with a girl who I thought I was legal age A wave of horror came over me when I noticed her toe tag said "15 years old" |
| Why was the African baby crying? It was going through it's midlife crisis. |
| [NSFW] I'm going to get lightning bolts tattooed on my penis It never strikes the same place twice |
| What is Uncle Ben's favorite condiment? Aunt Mayonnaise |
| What's my idea of foreplay? Half an hour of begging |
| How do you get on top of a Mexican restaurant? Use an enchiladar. |
| So I heard today... Trump's wall budget is 3 Billion more than NASA's budget for the year...apparently NASA doesn't deal with as many aliens as trump does. |
| My dominatrix is busy training a new assistant... I guess she's showing her the ropes. |
| What pronouns should you use with a chocolate bar? Her/she |
| A friend once asked me, "If you could have any super power in the world what would it be?" I told him: "Cold war Russia" |
| My teacher said, because I was acting up in class, I have to do a book report on the largest bone in the arm. Isn't that humorous? |
| Why do politicians always claim to be religious? Because sects sells. |
| For me, Divorce is like Algebra. I look at my X and wonder Y. |
| What did the claustrophobic ninja do when he fell down a well? He flipped out |
| Country people would usually have a rooster to wake them up and the city people would have an alarm clock So that means that city people wake up to a clock and country people wake up to a cock. |
| What do you call a person who doesn't like Soviet Russia? A citizen of Soviet Russia |
| She was only a statistician's daughter but her deviations were anything but standard. |
| Be careful this winter... I saw black guys slip on black ice and get black eyes. |
| She was only a roadworker's daughter but she sure liked having her asphalt. |
| I'm eating that p*ssy Teacher asked, Why is your cat with u in school? Kid says (crying), "I heard daddy tell mommy, I'm eating that p*ssy when the kids leave!" |
| What do you call a triangle that gets into a car accident? A rektangle |
| No actually I am not single I am taken For granted |
| Do you know the way little children run towards the waves of the ocean but back up the very last second? That's the exact same way I flirt with girls |
| What do gay horses eat? Horse dick. |
| For Valentine's Day, me and the girlfriend are just gonna stay in and watch a movie. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend? |
| Why does Gordon Ramsey like to have sex with a condom? Because he hates it raw. |
| Did you hear about the registered donor who had a car crash on the Golden Gate Bridge? He left his heart in San Francisco. |
| A bought a farewell card for only a penny... It was a good buy. |
| What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopuss. |
| Why did the mad scientist deliberately create a huge fire tornado? Some people just want to watch the whirled burn. |
| If the US stops minting pennies, 99¢ deals will disappear because they won't make cents any more. |
| What do squirrels and my girlfriend have in common? Both of them love stuffing their cheeks with nuts. |
| "Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!" "Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit" |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it wanted a new highscore. |
| How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an alter boy. |
| Something for cooking on a stove. A metallic sculpture of a marijuana leaf. Donald Trump. Tin pot. |
| Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back Luckily I was the one facing the TV |
| How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh. You're still doing that? |
| I once when on a date with a girl who didn't swallow. There was soup everywhere. |
| Two goats on top of a hill... There are two goats on top of a hill eating grass. One says to the other I wish this was the kind of grass that gets you high. The other says did we not just climb this hill? |
| Why are aspirins white? Because they work. |
| I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth... That's the last time I ever buy a larva lamp& |
| Anybody here have sex while camping? It's fucking intense. |
| I hate left-handed people. Something about them just doesn't seem right. |
| A boy asks his mom why he's black and she's white She says, "Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark." |
| What's the difference between a boy scout and a jew? One comes back from camp. |
| I could tell you a Mexican joke but it would cross the border. |
| Minecraft Minecraft - the sequel to Mein Kampf |
| Gynecologist: Do you know what your asshole is doing while you are having an orgasm?? Beautiful young patient: Probably golfing with his buddies... |
| What did Nixon say when his pasta got criticized? I am not a cook. |
| What is the difference between a rebel base and a Pakistan school? I don't know I'm just a drone pilot |
| How did the geologist win his lawsuit? By taking advantage of the quartz system. |
| What do you call someone that occasionally likes gloves? Intermitten |
| Rick Astley will let you borrow you any movie in his Pixar collection... Except for one: he¥s never gonna give you UP! |
| TIL that there's a new shortcut in the PC version of GTA V, which when you press it, will cause your character to kill minorities. Alt-right. |
| A jew walks into a bar... It was a dozen kilograms and he sold it for a grand |
| Which song is the most salty? Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Hey, Jude |
| What did the man say after eating a Big Mac, a McRib, a bucket of KFC, and a Arby's brisket? Nothing. He died of a heart attack. |
| I bought some shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what they were laced with but I kept tripping |
| Communism is a trash can ideology When you're eating out of a trash can it doesn't sound half bad. |
| Kids of the 2010's will get this... Smartphones. |
| How do you comfort a grammar buff? There, their, they're. |
| Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor? It was just a stage he was going through. |
| which came first the chicken or the egg? the chicken because eggs cant cum |
| Why did the sugar hang out with the tomoto? He wanted to ketchup. |
| I just bought a replica of the Knight Rider car. The previous owner said it was a *KITT* car. |
| Who wins a race between a gay couple and lesbian couple? The lesbians. Because they go lickety split and the gay guys poke ass along. |
| If your gunna tell a joke about a midget being smothered in honey.... Keep it short and sweet. |
| How come american cops always lose at pool? Because they always shoot down the black one first. |
| What's a joke that was funny in early America, but is even more hilarious in the present day middle east? "Women's rights" *^ba-dum ^ching* |
| The bass drop In school, I once dropped the base. The kid next to me got severe alkali burns. . . |
| What happens to a penis after sex? Natural In-Stink |
| "Would you like a drink?" "I have a boyfriend!" "I'm the barkeeper you stupid cunt" |
| Our neighbours criticized our new fence We took offense |
| RIP Jobs What did the unemployed cancer cell say? "We should get Jobs" |
| Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who escaped prison? They're a small medium at large. |
| Surprise oral will make your day Surprise anal will make your hole weak |
| Woman to her girlfriend: My husband got me a dozen roses; tonight I guess I have no choice but to spread eagle with my legs in the air. Girlfriend: Don't you have a vase? |
| I hate seeing penises and people peeing Looks like I am allergic to peanuts |
| Ever hear that black people have a speech impediment? Not true, its just a myff. |
| I once saw a Chupacabras... Baby goats are so adorable. |
| A Reposter walked into... /r/jokes. The End |
| I used to think I was good in bed..... Until my girlfriend told me she had asthma. |
| You'd think glass would taste like rocks.. But it just tastes like blood. |
| What's brown and sticky? A stick. |
| What did Richard Spencer squeal after getting punched in the face? *"I'm Nazi bad person here!"* |
| What do Australians wear under their pants? Down Undies |
| I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand It's seven |
| Stoner goes to the doctor A stoner goes to the doctor complaining he sees cats playing soccer every night when he falls asleep. The doctor recommends he stays up for a night. Stoner says ok but he can't miss the final tonight. |
| I had a joke about time travel.... ... But you guys didnt like it |
| Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story... Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out the turtle was 6 feet tall and knew karate. |
| Who called it election and not.. Pikachu |
| Why do you never see an African in Olympic swimming? You need water to swim |
| Yo Momma so stupid... She brought a spoon to the superbowl. |
| A girl asks a boy "What does your dad do for a living?'' He replies "He's a magician." She asks "Is he good?" He says "Yeah, he disappeared 8 years ago." |
| Alec Baldwin has been arrested. His lawyers believe on Trumped up charges. |
| Why do we live on a giant rock, but ruled by money? Because paper beats rock. |
| My therapist recommended an anonymous community to me, a narcissist. Said that they gather and discuss their day to day accomplishments, annoyances, etc. I told him I've been using Reddit for a couple months now and see no changes. I then saw myself out. |
| What did one gamer do to the other gamer after he lost? Consoled him |
| Why are the polar ice caps melting Because polar bears are a hot animal |
| A: What comes after 75? B: 76 A: That's the spirit. |
| I used to cut and burn myself. Then I took culinary classes. |
| Dad: You know son, if you keep masterbating, you're going to go blind Me: Dad, I'm over here |
| After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm? My penis. |
| If you go to the beach and forget your lunch, what can you eat? Just eat the sand which is there. |
| Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot. |
| Two chemists walk into a bar The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have water too." The first chemist now has to rethink the assassination. |
| How does the weather in Seattle compare to the rest of the United States? It's Rainier! |
| A man sees a pregnant woman laughing He asks the woman, she replies "Nothing, it's an inside joke!" |
| What do you call someone who stereotypes Asians? A Rice-ist |
| Why did Billy drop his ice cream He got run over by the ice-cream truck. |
| Obama's going to open a home food preservation supply store next It's called "Yes We Can" |
| I just found out my best friend, JosÈ, is moving away. !No guey, JosÈ! |
| Doughnuts make u go nuts What kind of doughnuts do the KKK prefer? White powdered doughnuts |
| I got a job at the strip club. "I help the girls get dressed and undressed." "Great gig. How much?" "Twenty dollars a day." "That's not very much." "It's all I can afford." |
| If 666 is the evil number Then 25.806975... is the root of all evil. |
| Did you guys hear about the cow that was able to step over the the electric fence? No one could believe it, it was an udder shock! |
| The substitute teacher's eyes were crossed She couldn't control her pupils. |
| I asked why my stitches were unravelling but accidentally posted it to a gaming forum last night Turns out it was the wrong thread |
| Models Why did the models keep tripping on the runway? They were showing off the fall lineup. Badumtss |
| I'm getting tired of all the sexual comments about my skirt... "Slut" "You don't leave a lot to fantasize about" "Why couldn't you just have worn something under your skirt?" "Dude your balls are visible" |
| Never buy flowers from a monk Only YOU can prevent florist friars |
| Did you know? One Direction's "best song ever" is not actually best song ever. |
| Where did Hitler put his little armies? In his little Sleevies. |
| Today marks a very special landmark Whitney Houston has been clean for five years |
| Bad pick up line Me: spell me Her: M-E Me: you forgot the D Her: there is no D in me Me: not yet |
| What do you call two Australian math nerds having sex? A square root. |
| A man asked God "why did you make women so beautiful"? And He replied, "So you will love them" The man continued, "But why did you make them so stupid?" He replied, "So they will love you" |
| A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly and painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No, he replied, "Arthritis." |
| What do you call a funk band composed of only plumbers? George Sinkton and the P-Trap All Stars. |
| I'm not addicted to sandpaper... I just need a little something to take the edge off. |
| Did you hear that Apple Guy died? R.I.P. Isaac Newton |
| If Valve had an NHL team... would that be the Mighty VAC's? |
| Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools. A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness. |
| You know what I like about midgets? Very Little. |
| I lost my watch at a party once... An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch. |
| Why is Legolas so fit? He always eats elfy snacks. |
| My wife doesn't like vomit jokes. But I do nausea problem with it. |
| Why do people boil pasta in water? It is way too soggy. |
| What do you call huge dancing rocks? Technotonic plates. |
| I went to my favorite bar last night. A Chinese guy sits down next to me. I ask him "hey, do you know karate or some other martial art"? He says "why, because I'm Asian"? I said "no, because you're drinking my beer". |
| What's the only acceptable thing for a Scotsman to wear under his kilt? Lipstick |
| I came up with a science joke... Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment? They have a big carbon footprint... |
| Rule #1 for learning english Their our know rules! |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? Why did the chicken cross the road? "To get to the other side" Nope to get to the idiots house. "Oh" knock knock "who's there?" The chicken. |
| I bought a Fleetwood Mac GPS for my car. It's useless though. It just keeps telling me to go my own way. |
| What do you call a bear with no teeth A gummy bear |
| Did you hear the Coco Pops monkey was recently murdered? Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle and Pop all got killed too. Police think its the work of a serial killer. |
| A doctor once told me that it's important to get 8 hours of beauty sleep per day But to be honest I think you need 9 |
| What's the difference between sarcasm and lying? I don't know, I'm just the president. |
| Son: ?Dad, I have a question regarding sex with my underage girlfriend.? Father: ?Yes?? Son: ?Could you stop doing that?? |
| They should make birth control for men Because it makes more sense to fire blanks than shoot at a bulletproof vest. Recent discoveries will make this joke obsolete, thought I'd give it one more run. |
| People say that counting sheep jumping over a fence makes you to to sleep. However, Donkeys are much more effective... You're completely out as soon as your ass leaps. |
| They say you're attracted to people that look like you. That explains why I like women with big breasts. |
| I don't have OCD... I know because I've checked 300 times |
| I wish life was like a hairstyle So you could just cut it off and get a new one |
| What do you call a Scotsman who works in a cloakroom? Angus McCoatup |
| Why did God create vaginal mycose? So women too can know what it is to live with an irritated cunt. |
| A women got a wooden breast implant yesterday.... it would be a funny joke if this had a punch line... Wooden tit |
| How does a farmer count his cows? With a COWculator... But, what if they all have babies? Then he MOOtiplies them! Man, I'm really milking these puns for more than they're worth... |
| My new personal trainer encouraged me to do do fifteen push-ups every commercial break on TV Man... I love Netflix! |
| Apple likes to leave things out of their products. The phone I bough from them doesn't have a headphone jack... and the car I bought from them doesn't have windows. |
| Peanut butter was driving his toast when suddenly... ..there was a jam |
| What tastes good on pizza but not on pussy? Crust |
| Did you hear about that female celebrity who was murdered? Me: Who was it? Dad: I think her first name was Reese Me: Witherspoon? Dad: No it was with a knife |
| A man named Rob got his identity stolen. I guess you could say he got... *robbed* |
| I just got done doing squats and I gotta say... It's a huge weight off my shoulders |
| What did the goose say when he found out about flying south? Wanna hear migrate idea? |
| Did you hear about the midget clairvoyant who escaped from prison the other day? Police are looking for a small medium at large. |
| Set a fire for a man, And you'll keep him warm for a night. Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life. |
| How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb Just one, unless it's a black light. |
| do androids dream of electric sheep? Not unless they're Welsh |
| After a lengthy debate, congress finally passed a law banning pedophiles from children's shoe stores. It was No Minor Feet. |
| Where does a redditor drown? In the sea of reposts. |
| What does Batman take with his alcohol? Just ice |
| Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man and he'll eat for a year. |
| My Iraqi friend found a silver lining on the Muslim travel ban My Iraqi friend found a silver lining on the Muslim travel ban. He said "at least my mother-in-law can't come and visit." Well, at least he found something to laugh about XD |
| What do Irish plumbers earn for overtime? Time an' a Turd. |
| An Irishman walks into a bar... Just kidding he was born there and never left |
| Is this the bus for dyslexic kids? Oops, wrong sub. |
| I'm gonna tell you an oxygen and potassium joke, OK? |
| Why did the mortician cross the road? To get to the other suicide |
| Why did the robot kill someone with its empty battery? So it would get charged with murder. |
| The English Teacher in India Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. |
| What Did The Orange Say To The Apple Are you really that stupid? Oranges can't talk. |
| What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs? One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean. |
| Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it is the scenter! |
| Wanna know how to brighten the day of everyone on Earth? A few dozen strategically placed warheads should do the trick. |
| A poem. I am a little girl, I have a little thing That when I go to bed, I put my finger in. Now I'm much older, My thing had lost its charm And now it takes 5 fingers, And half my fucking arm. |
| So I bought a new chair today Guess you can say I'm SATisfied. |
| What went through Hitler's mind before he died? "If I wasn't so distracted by taking over the world I could have killed so many more jews." |
| What do you call the Pope when he is sleepwalking? A Roamin' Catholic. |
| What is the best method of transportation for Jews? A dustpan |
| What do you get when you crossbreed a Chihuahua with a German Shepherd? A que-nein. |
| I told my husband there are 100 days until our baby's delivery He said "That's a really long time. You should really use Prime next time". |
| I hate German chefs They're suck kochs. |
| What is the sound of one hand clapping? Amputees anonymous |
| What's Donald Trumps favorite kind of dog? a BORDER collie! |
| Whats the difference between ET and an illegal alien? ET learned English and wanted to go home. |
| My girlfriend has a lot of trust issues. Well, one of them does. |
| What do you call Arab porn? XXXPlosive |
| Why couldn't the japanese police catch the black man? because he nigeru |
| Girls call me shortcut My penis is circumcised and 3 inches long |
| Where does Phil Collins record his songs? In a stu-stu-studio. |
| Cancer runs in my family. July was a very popular month to have babies. |
| February 10th should be National Fart Day. Because it's 2/10. |
| What's the Difference between Marlin the Fish and Walter White? One's finding Nemo the other one is funding Chemo! |
| A priest has diarrhea Holy shit!!!! |
| How many freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and another to hold the peni... LADDER! |
| Donald Trump uses a special steroid to stay ahead in the game. Orange juice. |
| What do you call a teenage Hitler Zitler |
| What's the first thing Eskimos teach their kids? Don't eat yellow snow. |
| My stomach hasn't felt well all day, I'm like a bartender during an earthquake... I'm having trouble controlling my stools. |
| If a girl sleeps with 100 guys she gets called a slut. What do you call a guy who does the same thing? A homosexual. |
| Boyfriend suggesting For Prisma Girl Friend, i am not able to install prisma app in my mobile. Boyfriend: Check your phone storage is full. Girl Friend: Hhmm, is there any alternative of this app? Boy Friend: Yes, Take Selfie Without Make up |
| My phone fell from the 20th floor, good thing it was in airplane mode. |
| When life gives you lemons... why do you use a bra? |
| Napping at work Sometimes, when I'm sure people can only see the back of my head, I enjoy sneaking in a quick catnap at work. They never last too long though, invariably someone rings the bell telling me they want to get off my bus. |
| A demolition expert goes on stage during open mic night... He proceeds to bring the house down. |
| I'm sorry I said "nice phone" When you showed me a picture of your baby.. |
| How do you destroy a feminist in a debate? You ask "what rights do men have that women don't?" |
| How do you tell apart the voices in Donald Trump's head from the voices in Steve Bannon's? Trump's voices mumble praise of himself, Bannon's shriek racial epithets, and both are silent when Russia Telecom has an outage. |
| We should make all vehicles be driven by Stormtroopers They never hit anything so there would be no accidents. |
| Itching penis I went to a urologist because the head of my penis was itching. He told me I had an infection and that I should soak my penis in alcohol. The itching has stopped but now my Jack Daniels tastes funny. |
| I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if I'm a sociopath Either way when I ran over that pedestrian I didn't feel a thing. |
| Why did Vegeta name his son Trunks? ...find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z |
| Americans make the best jokes... Sorry I meant President. |
| Have y'all heard of the cow that produces milk that taste like that stuff of myths? It's legen-dairy |
| Why do brides traditionally wear white? So they match the stove, the fridge and the dishwasher. |
| What's an amnesiac's favorite cheese? Camembert |
| [short] what is Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 |
| Ice Cream Why did the little boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus. |
| I was told that the friendship between sodium, potassium, and oxygen was bad. I said, "Na. Pretty sure it is OK." EDIT: Should have switched potassium and oxygen around. Dang it... |
| I don't really like food from Spain much but... To chicharrÛn I guess |
| Organic chemistry is difficult Those who study it have alkynes of trouble. |
| I faked my death, but hardly anyone attended my funeral Apparently I faked it really badly |
| Why did Snoop Dogg bust out an umbrella? Fo drizzle |
| Courtroom antics. Whats the best thing about being the smartest person in a courtroom? Knowing they'll never find the bodies. |
| What's the difference between your penis and your tax return? She'll blow your tax return |
| The wife and I have recently been blessed with the pitter patter of tiny feet around our house. I hired a midget butler. |
| Why can't Hindi people fight with each other? Because they can't have beef! |
| Who is Wolverine's favorite author? Lemony Snikt (I'm sorry...) |
| What do you call a Jewish man with heartburn? An acidic Jew. |
| Are you sitting on the F5 key? Because dat ass is so refreshing! |
| Rainn Wilson to star in the next Harry Potter spin off! Fantastic Beets And Where To Find Them |
| I only lie to people I don't like. Don't worry, I like you. |
| Why did Eminem only have one biological kid? He only had one shot |
| Click here to see a pun ctuation mark. |
| My friend didn't get my RAM joke. DIMM wit. |
| I like my violence like I like I beer... ... domestic |
| I have a pen, I have an apple, uh! iStylus |
| I only date black girls So I don't have to meet their fathers |
| What makes an ISIS joke funny? The execution. |
| My wife and I were happy for 25 years. Then we got married. |
| I redid my entire house with mirrors... You could say it really reflects who I am. |
| What do you call a lying bunny? A haretic |
| How do you call a Medieval midi music? Midival! Ha! Get it? |
| Load of animals in the back of a lorry.. The cow says "mooooooooove over" The chicken says "fkaaaf" |
| My mom and my girlfriend don't get along. (NSFW?) My mom always blows me off. My girlfriend thinks she's getting replaced. |
| A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender takes one look at him and says, "We don't serve food here." |
| I was going to build a bridge for karma but I got over it. |
| Did you see the fight between the walnut and the pecan? It was nuts. |
| Life is a bit like my dick... It's long and hard. |
| I know a youtuber name SoWTF... He is sooo what the fuck. |
| My Journey from $60k College Debt to $115k Net Worth & 816 Credit Score. And all thanks to this community! I started stand up and got beat up. Settlement has been a blessing! |
| Why did Bach have 20 children? His organ didn't have any stops. |
| My Dicks Nickname is Bing Because noone ever uses it. |
| What do electricians say while they meditate? *Ohmmmm...* |
| What does the inappropriate strip club patron say when he finally admits he has a problem? I come here too often |
| I feel like most jokes about communism are pretty low effort But at least everyone gets them |
| A Font Designer and a Police Officer Walk Into a Bar... The font designer leaves sans sheriff. |
| Why do stoners make lousy poker players? Because they keep smoking the pot. |
| How do you drown a hipster? Throw them into the mainstream. |
| Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? He is busy making good music. |
| Why did the full chromosome human go to war He was diploid |
| How do you get gum out of your hair? Cancer. |
| Where do cousins come from? Aunt holes. |
| I call my wife Bambi too..... Because I don't want her shot. Just her mom. |
| I ate at a Vietnamese restaurant but I used a fork. I guess you could say I made a pho-pas. |
| Friend 1: Oi mate can I borrow your phone? Friend 2: Yeah sure, why'd you need it for? F1: Well mines busted and I just wanna call me mum. F2: Oh no problem mate here ya go, just hit redial. |
| A man from Wisconsin is travelling in Mexico... when he comes across a dairy farm. "Buenos noches, do you have any cheeze for sale?" "Buenos, nochez" |
| I am a legal resident of the United States and I have not paid my taxes for the last 15 years. AMA! Thank you for your time. Ask me anything. **EDIT:** Just a moment guys, someone is at my door. |
| An old woman walked into a sex toy shop... She wandered in the shop for a couple of minutes and finally she stopped and asked the vendor: How much is this one? He replied: Ma'am, that's a fire extinguisher. |
| What's black and slides down Nelson's Column? Winnie Mandela |
| Why did Trump stage a photo op of him winning a marathon against a bunch of traffic signs? To show that he was leading the poles |
| Knock knock. Who?s there? Smell mop. (finish this joke in your head) |
| I'm so ugly that when... ... I passed out at a frat party I woke up with more clothes on. |
| Give a man a jacket and he'll stay warm all winter Teach a man to jacket and he'll stay warm his whole life |
| Timing You know the most important part of telling a joke? |
| what happens when you take a joke too far? The 45th president of the United States |
| While examining me, my dentist asked me if i had recently performed oral sex Embarassed, i asked if i had a pube in my teeth. He said no..there's shit on your nose |
| Parental settings for my virgin wifi? Where are the parental settings for my virgin wifi? |
| Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime. |
| I've made this new photo app and it's a thousand times better than Instagram. It's called Instakilo |
| My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?" I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women." |
| Went to Disneyland because my daughter is so obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her. |
| What does Donald Trump use when his fax machine is broken? His alternative fax. |
| What do you call an actor that gets employed by trump? Alec Baldwin |
| I used to think morning sex was the greatest thing ever... Until I started to share a cell with Bubba. |
| It's not that the Massacre at Bowling Green didn't happen... It was just an alternative event. |
| Why has there never been a coup d`Ètat in america? Because there is no US-embassy in america. (from german tv-satire "Die Anstalt") |
| How did the composer find his buddy on social media? He checked his franz liszt |
| What organization is the best at curve fitting? INTERPOL |
| What do astronauts use to cook in space?? Marzipans!! |
| "Come forth and I shall grant you eternal life", said God unto John. But John came in fifth and won a toaster. |
| I'm a Muslim parent with an honor roll student! My kid is the bomb |
| Why did the cockroach break up with his mosquito girlfriend? He saw her sucking someone else. |
| Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? 'Cause girl you hot as fuck. |
| Son asks for money A young jewish son asks his dad for $5 dollars. The dad responds shocked, "$4 dollars? What do you need $3 dollars for?" |
| Donald Trump's cabinet is so dumb that I can get a better one at IKEA. |
| Could you imagine if someone pulled off Trump's hair piece? There would be hell toupee. |
| Words can't express how beautiful you are. But numbers can. 4/10 |
| What's a Germans least favourite drink? Juice |
| Why isn't Barbie pregnant? Because Ken came in a different box |
| Jim apple Had a very rough time introducing himself in France |
| A bodybuilder told me he hates protein. No whey! |
| You know what pisses me off most about Reddit? [deleted] |
| My pet rock died 1 upvote = 1 pray |
| What is Sean Spicer's favorite genre of music? Alternative Rock |
| Trust not the Alien... It almost killed Sigourney Weaver. |
| If Christians have the Daily Bread, what do Buddhists have? The Daily Lama |
| Get Stoned Before an Auction Even if you don't win anything, you'll still be the highest bidder! |
| A guy gets arrested for taking a dump. -Knock knock -Who's there? -Police. -Can you wait a little? I'm taking a dump right now. -We know, this phone booth is transparent. |
| How do you know if your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit. |
| Why couldn't Beethoven find his teacher? Because he was Haydn |
| My wife's an Archaeologist because... She keeps on digging up the past! |
| What did I say to -1? Look Ma! Not real. |
| I invented the perfect beach accessory for men! A clip-on-tip that attaches to the inside of your suit and peeks out just below the bottom of a guy's swim trunks. We're calling it the Billadong. |
| What does a Frenchman say who lost his dinner whilst trying to find some more? Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from escargot? |
| What the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator. When you put meat in the refrigerator it doesn't get aids |
| So i read this story about a woman who got electrocuted when she dropped her vibrator in the bath It was a total buzzkill |
| A priest.... A priest, an Irishman, a horse, a gorilla, a twelve inch pianist and an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this some kind of a joke?" |
| Why did the cockroach break up with his centipede girlfriend? Each time he spreads a couple of her legs she says: It's not here! |
| What happens if you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. |
| What is Bane's favorite movie? Broke-back Mountain |
| What do you call a person who is not a nihilist? A De-nihilist. |
| What happens when you take a joke too far? The 45th President of the United States. |
| My doctor told me I was eating too much meat So I decided to quit cold turkey |
| In Soviet Russia, a Judge bursts into his chambers laughing *"I've just heard the funniest joke about Stalin... ever!"* *"Well, go ahead and tell us."*, the other Judges ask. *"I can't. I just gave someone a life sentence for it."* |
| Ann and Joe are having an argument "You are like Satan!" screamed Joe. "Their Mom says, "Shh, Joe thats offending." Once Ann left, she said, "Offending to Satan!" |
| A rabbit is walking on the railways He is singing: My life is amazing, dumdumdum, my life is long, dum dumdum, dumdumdum dumdumdum dumdumdum |
| What do you do with dead scientists? Barium |
| Why didn't the pony say anything? Because he was a little hoarse... |
| Spilt milk I hate how every time I come home and go to the kitchen my flat mate has spilled milk everywhere. How dairy |
| What did the over-sized transgender postcard say to the UPS driver? What don't you understand? I told you, I don't fit in a male box! |
| What do you call a gay dinosaur? A megasoreass. |
| Reading the news today. Man: A policeman accidentally inserted his truncheon in someone's umm, ahh, mm. Other Man: Rectum? Man: Damn near killed 'em |
| There are only two people I know who can kill 70+ people in 2 hours. John wick... and John Wick 2 |
| Why do you wrap hamsters in duct tape? So they don't blow up when you fuck 'em. |
| How do you make an idiot wonder? [deleted] |
| There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that?s a little condescending. |
| What do you call a situation where a train wreck is happening right in front of your eyes and you can't do anything about it? Donald Trump |
| I identify as all real numbers. Call me by my new pronoun: xeR |
| Dorothy: Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore Toto: I know, I miss the rains down in africa |
| What did the caveman say when he stumbled upon a pooping dinosaur? "That's pooposterous!" |
| What is The ISIS Cafeteria called? Allahu Snakbar. |
| I told my dad to embrace his mistakes. He cried. Then he hugged my sister and me. |
| My wife got diagnosed with Alzeihmers and Parkinsons last week. I've been getting 8 wanks a day. |
| What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor? Where is my tractor? (I am so sorry). |
| How does Bob Ross exorcise his paint brush? He beats the devil out of it. |
| Me and my friends had an argument.... [NSFW] Me and my friends had an argument about what was more fucked up, one of my friends said necrophilia, the other said bestiality. I would've said both... But I didn't want to beat a dead horse. |
| People are saying that 3.5 years to build the wall is too long, but I'm not worried Government-funded construction projects almost never run over their time |
| What's the difference between a BMW and a cactus? George Zimmerman has never shot a cactus. |
| What did the chimpanzee say to the human? No homo. |
| Who do you call when you get robbed in Mexico? 9-Juan-Juan |
| Three kids walk into a Pole He was very fat. |
| Why do you always put your left shoe on last? Because when you put one shoe on, the other one is left. |
| What did the Alabaman wife say to her husband when she found out he was cheating? Oh, brother. |
| Whats the difference between Jared Fogel and a pixie stick? it's OK for a kid to have a pixie stick in their mouth. |
| Two prostitutes are hanging out on a corner in the 70's when one asks the other, "Hey, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other says "No, but I've been swung around by the tits." |
| What does uranium have in common with a mental ward patient? They're both unstable. |
| What's the worst part about a blizzard in a leper colony? Stepping outside in the morning to find a foot on the roof of your car |
| Seagull with diarrheia Seagull With Diarrhea told another that it barely Made It To Crowded Beach In Time. |
| So I asked a sheep how it is to be a sheep. "Meh..." |
| So I know the Mexicans probably think the wall will be too expensive... But they'll get over it. |
| A mother and her child were hugging ... "Mommy," says the child, "am I adopted?" "No, sweetie," replied the mother. "We haven't managed to find someone who will take you." |
| Three men are walking along, two of them walk into a bar... The third one ducks. I'm sorry. I'm sure many have heard it before. But I haven't seen it here. |
| A mushroom walks into a bar.... Bartender says "sorry sir we don't serve your kind" mushroom says "why.... I'm a fungi" |
| Donald Trump was once asked if he could quote any Bible verses. "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you will never have to feed him again." Donald 20:17 |
| What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino. Fuck if I know |
| BREAKING: White House staffer leaks that the President was surprised to learn that Checks and Balances didn't refer just to... bank accounts |
| What?s 18 inches long and dangles in front of an asshole? Donald Trump?s tie. |
| How does Moses make his coffee? *hebrews* it! |
| Why did the necrophiliac get a divorce? The rotten bitch split on him! |
| Dogs don't love you... They're just glad they don?t live in China. |
| 18:- can I buy a bottle of wine? Government :- No, that's illegal and irresponsible. 18:- Can I go $40,000 into debt for education?? Government :- we encourage it. |
| Why do Nazis like dentists? Because they prefer whites |
| What does the Buddhist order from the hot dog stand? Make me one with everything :) |
| My dad always lived by the motto "Work hard, play hard." Mom made him seek help for his Viagra addiction. |
| How is Mexico going to be able to pay for the wall? It's expensive, but I'm sure they'll get over it. |
| What's the difference between Donald Trump and 5 year old? Honestly, somebody tell me because I have no fucking clue. |
| What do new iPhones and Donald Trump have in common? Both cost more than they're worth and create the illusion of superiority without ever delivering. |
| What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick |
| What did the muslim in America say ? [removed] |
| What did the D.J. say to the Vegetable Farmer? Lettuce turnip the beet. |
| You know what they say about jokes The cheesier the grater! |
| My boss told me, "You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I replied, "I don't know; it's hard to keep track". |
| Did you hear about the musician who named his daughter Sharp? He didn't have the heart to tell her she was accidental. |
| What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede? Extra drumsticks! |
| Why did no one go to work in Mongolian Persia? Because they were always Ilkhanate |
| What's a pirate's favorite letter? It's the C matey!!!!! Idk I'm high |
| Three men walks into a bar. The fourth man ducks. |
| Want to know how to keep your guitar sounding good? Stay tuned. |
| Please dont tell jokes about domestic abuse... They hit too close to home |
| A man goes to a doctor. Doctor : I don't know how to tell you this, but you have got to stop masturbating. Patient : But why? Doctor : So that I can fucking examine you. |
| What's super marios favorite type of fabric? Denim denim denim. |
| Woman are turning into good drivers ...so if ur a good driver watch out for women turning! |
| Surround yourself with people who have issues. People with issues always have alcohol. |
| I went to the Zoo the other day and there was a loaf of Hovis in the Lion enclosure - so I went up to the zookeeper and said "What's that doing in there?" and he said "That? That's bread in captivity" |
| Can Napoleon return to his place of birth? Of Corsican. |
| Did you know that 80% of Korean businessmen have caddaracts? The other 20% drive Mercedes |
| A blind man walks into a bar... And a table...and a chair...and the waiter... |
| Did you know Princess Diana was on the radio the night she died? She was on the radio, and the dashboard, and the hood. |
| I love to Poop. |
| Did you hear about the Bowling Green Massacre? No? Neither did the victims. |
| 3 nuns are sitting on a bench. A man in a trench coat walks by and flashes them. 2 of the nuns had a stroke. The third couldn't reach. |
| Every year, millions of people get sick from eating tainted beef. Who the hell is putting their taint on the beef? |
| Why did the cowboy orphan cat limp into the bar? He was looking for the man who shot his paw. |
| A Grizzly has attacked a school! Four are dead! Fortunately, the rest of the salmon are OK and are peacefully continuing upstream. |
| 2018 kids won't get this Club penguin |
| A man attempts a bar hop... ...and squashes his nuts |
| What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile? Get in the batmobile. |
| What does a sneezing nut sound like? *Ca-shew.* |
| 2017 First UFO lands Alien: "Take me to your leader." *Alien is brought to Pres. Trump. Alien: "Good one! Seriously though. This is important." |
| A nazi spy goes to a bar with a friend "Bartender, I vant two martinis, please." "Dry?" "Zwei, du amerikanisches Schwein!" |
| A plane crashed on the border of two countries, and everyone dies except the pilot. Where you do you bury the survivors? Six feet under a cesspit, till you can no longer hear his screams. |
| Hey girl, are you today's date? Because you're 2/10. |
| Iron Man at a dance club Tony Stark is in an electronic dance club, he's very upset that the D.J is playing subpar music and that the bar is closed. All of this makes Iron Man- Stark raving mad. |
| I met two hipsters today Turns out, the correct term is conjoined twins. |
| I can't stop shitting out feathers. I think I've got Irritable owl syndrome. |
| Since Valentine's is approaching, my friend posted "I love my girlfriend <3" I knew he liked them young but that is fucking ridiculous. |
| Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil. |
| I bought a treadmill the other day... It's really giving me a run for my money. |
| I was really unsuccessful and unpopular until I stood on a globe covered in super glue. Now I have the world at my feet. |
| What do you call Steve Bannon in a rubber room? Home. |
| How do you get a jewish girls number? You roll up her sleeve. |
| What do people smoke in concentration camps? MariJEWana |
| What is the most common job among spiders? Web designer. |
| Loyalty is very important for my wife... My girlfriend doesn't care. Funny how different sisters can be. |
| What do you get when there is a death at a funeral? A rehearsal. |
| A New Yorker went for a checkup.. Doctor: We're sorry, you have Hepatitis B. New Yorker: Damn B, what kind of hepatitis? |
| I came up with a 'Knock Knock' joke "Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "I'll ask" "I'll ask who?" "Al- ask- a ... It's so cold!" |
| I applied for a job at a blacksmiths He asked if ive ever shoed a horse before. I said no but i once told a donkey to fuck off |
| Two tattooed people ride in a car, who is driving? The police |
| What would Freud say comes between fear and sex? Funf. |
| What do you call a pessimistic Mexican doing math? Negative Juan. |
| Surprise bj I woke up to a surprise blowjob today. I should really start sleeping with my mouth closed |
| The captain of the Titantic was a vegetarian, his last words were... "Iceberg lettuce leaf" |
| What do you call a cuddle with only one person? A cddle, because u weren't there |
| Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his collection except for one. He's never gonna give you Up. |
| What does a rapper say after he's done recording? It's a rap |
| The doctor told me to drink a lot of clear liquid So I picked up some vodka and gin on the way home. |
| Mammoth walks down the street. All of a sudden a dozen of elephants get out of the corner, see Mammoth, come by and beat the shit out of him. After they left Mammoth stands up, spits broken tusks and says: "Fucking skinheads!" |
| An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar The first orders a pint. The second orders half a pint. The third orders a quarter pint. The barman says "Fuck you guys" and pours two pints. |
| A Nazi walks into a Bar... ... Mitzvah |
| Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field |
| What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. |
| What kind of boxer spits on their opponents face? A beat boxer |
| What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture. |
| What do you call a clown in prison? A sillycon |
| What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip. |
| Angela Merkel visits Greece Angela Merkel visits Greece. On her way through customs she gets stopped by an officer 'Nationality?' He asks 'German' she replies 'Occupation?' 'No, just visiting' |
| Some guy assaulted me last night with a bat ... I was really impressed with how well he had trained it. |
| German girl number One day I asked a sex German girl for her number and she said "SEX SEX SEX. DRY SEX SWINE!" I cowered away in fear Then her friend came up to me and said "She means '666-3629" |
| What do they call the Hunger Games in France? Battle Royale with Cheese. |
| What do you call a biker gang of bisexual Norse monarchs? The Bikings. |
| Did you hear about the guy who proposed to marry his car? He wanted a more engaging driver experience. |
| What do you get when you fuse Arab and Indian food? Explosive Diarrhea |
| My maths teacher just told us a mean joke... I thought he was a coMedian. |
| Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud.. But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I?m not one of them. |
| I can't remember the translation of German "wichtig." I have a feeling it's important, though. |
| Steve Bannon so drunk... his liver spots got liver spots. |
| There was once an emotionally unstable suicide bomber he fell to pieces. |
| What do the guys at /incels use for birth control? Their personalities. One hundred percent effective. |
| Stores in Seattle now accept credit cards in canabis stores It's been a week for green cards in Washington |
| I wonder if.. What if the ocean is salty because the land never waves back? |
| My girlfriend was giving me my first pedicure I asked her if the tool she was using to rub my feet was called a pedofile. |
| Jesus fed 2000 Jews fish and bread Hitler made 5 million Jews toast |
| If waitresses with big boobs work at Hooters, then where do 1 legged waitresses work? IHOP Gives tipping your waitress new meaning |
| After yoga class, I followed my instructor home and broke into her bedroom window. She screamed and told me I need to leave. I told her "Nah, I'ma stay". |
| I got jailed when I performed a magic trick. Apparently, when I make the kids disappear, I also have to make them reappear. |
| A horse walks into a bar The bartender says "What do you want?" The horse unable to understand English shits itself and runs out. |
| The past, present and future walked into a bar. And it was tense. |
| What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? People care if the vest gets triggered. |
| If Bruno Mars married Venus Williams on Earth, do you think they'd have a Sun? Only if they planet. |
| Why did Adele cross the road? To say Hello from the other side. |
| My girlfriend wanted to act out a scene from Fifty Shades of Grey It was the scene where Christian wanted to buy Anastasia a new Audi... |
| I tried out for the suicide club But I just couldn't hang with them. |
| Me: I hate fucking laundry Dad: Well stop fucking it and fold it already. |
| Masturbation When I was a teenager my father told me "If you keep doing that you'll go blind". I said "Can't I just do it until I need glasses?" Proof: Glasses. |
| Man, those UC students after MILO... Must have been Burn-e supporters. |
| There are 3 types of republicans.. There are 3 camps of GOP supporters: #1 The McCain camp or Republicans #2 The McConnell camp or Republican'ts #3 The Trump Camp or Republicunts |
| The Trump Travel ban was refused due to lack of evidence.. Apparently "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it" wasn't enough |
| Why is it ridiculously easy to overcome the walls of Jerusalem? Because it's covered in holiness. |
| Why did the blind man fall into the well? Because he couldn't see that well. |
| I have never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I have waken up next to some many of them |
| Grandpa's toothbrush Grandpa: I need a new toothbrush becuase one hair of it broke Shopkeeper: why do you want to buy a whole new brush when only one rush hair is broke? Grandpa: It was the only hair left |
| Why did the blonde climb the roof of the pub? The drinks were on the house. |
| Wanna hear an overused joke about necrophilia and bestiality? You're just fucking a dead horse... (Sorry if this is a repost, I heard this at school) |
| What two types of people don't care about age, Abortion clinics and necrophiliacs. |
| What is a mathematician's favorite thing to find in the woods? A log. |
| What kind of Bees give the Most Milk? Boo Bees |
| To gay guys first aid means Losing your virginity |
| What do a poultry farmer and a hooker have in common? They both raise cocks for a living. |
| I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant... But then I changed my mind |
| What's a Terrorists favourite category to watch on YouTube? Trending. Because all the videos there blow up. |
| Pacifism is a martial art. Its moves are designed to bruise the opponent's knuckles with your face. |
| Mary had a little lamb The doctor fainted. |
| I like my friends like my chromosomes Not enough. |
| What did the cheese say to the other cheese after a game of tennis? That was a "Gouda" Game! |
| A blonde and a brunette are walking in a park, the brunette says awwww look a dead bird poor thing. The blonde looks up and says where? |
| What do you call a gay midget with great timing? A Metro-Gnome |
| When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was... She said: 'Oh, two or three'. Now, she wonders why her marriage didn't work. |
| I found a copy of Mission Impossible 3 among my blu-rays the other day... I thought to myself: 'It's not really impossible if he's already done it twice." |
| Dinner A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!" The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!" |
| Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Christmas He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read |
| A little boy caught a priest masterbating... "What are you doing?" asked the boy. I'm Masterbating. You'll be doing is soon enough." explained the priest. "Why?" asked the boy. "Because my wrist is god damn exhausted!!" |
| My dentist gives me cavity searches all the time. I think I need a new dentist.. |
| I'm participating in a marathon this year. I'm the guy that pours cups of water for the runners. |
| What did Donald Trump say after getting catfished? **FAKE NUDES!** |
| I gave my cows ecstasy thinking they'll make more milk But the steaks were high. |
| Why did the guitar teacher get arrested? Because he was an arsonist. |
| I knew this girl that tried to trade sex for adderall. What an attention whore. |
| Me in a nutshell: Agh! What the Hell! Why am I in a nutshell! |
| I too believe more women should be in Government. That's why I support Betsy DeVos. |
| What direction was Kanye West facing when his dough was rising? Yeast ;D *cringe* |
| They say you should work until your bank account looks like a phone number. I checked my balance and realized, if that was true, I could retire! I have $9.11 in my account. |
| Why did the squirrel blush after he was hit by a car? He was flattered. |
| A 4 letter word for "talks nonstop" I keep trying to enter girl, but it doesn't work. I think the writers did this wrong. |
| A neutron walks into a bar and says "how much for a drink?" The bartender says, "for you, no charge!" |
| When Life gives you a cheese grater... You hold it up and say, 'Life's grate'. |
| Where do suicide bombers go when they die? All over the place |
| What do you call a group of terrorists with music degrees? Al coda |
| Hear about the famous chain-smoking Dutch painter? Vincent Van Cough |
| My girlfriend found one of my puns so funny that she flew into space and told it to an alien. Unfortunately, the alien didn't laugh. Personally, I think she took the joke a bit too far. |
| I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I can take a look around, but they said "no" and slammed the door on me My parents can be real jerks sometimes. |
| I like my men like I like my coffee Made by my mother-in-law. |
| A female weightlifter goes to the doctor A female weightlifter goes to the doctor and says "I've been taking steroids that long I've grown a cock" Doctor "Anabolic"? Female " No, just a cock" |
| The biggest question of our generation... Who makes the sandwich in a lesbian relationship? |
| Here's the thing about George Clooney's wives... Once you've seen one, you've seen Amal. |
| How long are math snakes? 3.14 feet. Well, at least the ¿thon is (I'm so sorry) |
| Can a woman make a man a millionaire? Yes, if he's a billionaire. |
| What happens after NASA farts? It apollogises. |
| Why did Bobby Shmurda go to jail? He was convicted with second degree shmurder |
| Life is like a chalk of boxlets... Ya never know what yer gonna ship. |
| Trump heard that some of Patriots weren't coming to the White House. They say he was deflated. |
| I'm almost a millionaire! I have all the zeros, just looking for the one. |
| I was having trouble staying awake at work but my coworker beat me to the last cup of coffee in the pot. It's like they say: if you lose you snooze. |
| Does anyone else get as excited about Valentine's Day coming up as they did about Christmas when they were little? Or is it just because I'm Jewish? |
| What do you call a pencil that won't draw on colored paper? An erase-ist (e-racist). |
| What did the doctor say to the annoying patient who didn't like the way he was stitching up his cut? Suture self. |
| Two black guys are pissing off a dock and into a lake... *Two black guys are pissing off a dock and into a lake...* *...one guy says to the other:* **"Man, this water's cold!"** *The other guy replies:* **"And deep too!"** |
| After accidentally shooting his pet with the shrink ray, my friend decided to give the pet away. It's my newt now. |
| Why do hipsters love field hockey? Because it's ice hockey before it gets cool. |
| When are men the smartest? NSFW Before sex, during sex, or after sex? During sex because he's plugged into miss know it all! Edit: a word |
| What did a passing motorist say to the elderly SS Officer? Give it some gas grandpa! |
| My friend told me to try out a gloryhole, since you can pretend it's a woman on the other side I've sucked 5 dicks so far and I still have no idea how this is supposed to work |
| I prayed to god to end violence on earth. He responded to my ticket saying "You shouldn't have rolled on a PvP server" |
| The only person in my life that told me to smile... Was the camera man. |
| Fun fact: there are obese people outside the USA yeah, fat americans on vacation... |
| Someone once asked me why I don't tell 'your mom' jokes... I responded by saying that 'your mom' are so overused. Just like your mom |
| Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Mr. Pibb can't perform. |
| for those of you with a sense of humour and are sick of car ads try this when you see a car ad in your mind replace the word "car" with "cat" when you look at your cat he/she will think your ready for the loonie bin |
| I need to find the watch I misplaced But I can't seem to find the time. |
| (NSFW) Someone ordered pizza to the twin towers on 9/11... They got two large plains |
| This joke is ironic. This joke is not ironic. Isn't that ironic? |
| People need to learn to live in the moment, because the here and now is a special gift. That?s why I call it the present. |
| Why are black people so loud? Because they think we can't hear them ;) |
| Friend asked to use my phone to call his mom.. Told him to just hit redial. |
| Who is Frosty the Snowman's most favorite comedian? Bill Brrrrr. I'll see myself out... |
| [NSFW] What does a superstitious pimp check every day? His whore-o-scope. |
| A friend told me that laughter is the best medicine Now I understand why Jeff Dunham is so sick all the time |
| What type of bakery has the fastest service? A Russian bakery. |
| What's the quickest way to get in touch with your inner self? Single-ply toilet paper |
| Clothing related typos... They're the vest |
| Queen Elizabeth may have lived to be 102, but Diana got up to 120 when she died. |
| What is the church music director's biggest fear? Crabs on their organ. |
| I said hello to a feminist today. Trials start next week. |
| What kind of cheese is not yours? American cheese. |
| I went to a seafood disco last night Pulled a mussel |
| Why do churches hate geometry? There's too many sins involved. |
| Why didn't the Koala get the job? He didn't have... The Koala-fications. |
| What do you get when you combine Richard Simmons with Stephen Hawking? A fruit and a vegetable. |
| People keep asking me what I'll be doing in 3 years time Like come on guys I don't have 2020 vision |
| Tom Brady has a perfect record in the Super Bowl He's 5 out of 7. |
| Trump plan to alleviate world hunger and illegal immigration . . . . . . he's going to round up all illegal aliens and issue them Soylent Green cards |
| What's the difference between a hookers and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. |
| I had a dream last night that I was reading Lord of the Rings to people. Turns out I was just Tolkien in my sleep. |
| Who is the third member in a German and Russian gangbang? Poland |
| A marketing executive walks into a bar I guess it was set too low. |
| What does Altoid mean? I've always wondered what that word mint |
| What did the chemist shout, noticing only half his water was deuterated? DOH |
| What does America and Apple both have in common? They both started to de-port when jobs died. |
| This valentines day be sure not to buy flowers from any Monks. Because only you can prevent florist friars! |
| What do you call a fat girl in yoga pants at Walmart? Cashier |
| Only 1940 kids will get this A job |
| [Politics] Is mental gymnastics an Olympic Sport? If it is, Sean Spicer could take home the gold, silver and bronze for the US. |
| I have a date for Valentinesday 14. February |
| Trump's preparing Mexico for the Olympics. Every Mexican took gold in the pole vault. |
| How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes the entire ER staff to get it out. |
| I'm gonna name my first kid Robot. That way no matter what he'll always have a job! |
| I used to steal toys from the hobby shop, but they caught me when I started taking the Airfix sets I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you modelling kits! |
| What did the Chinese cat say? *mao* |
| The terra-cotta warriors are fake They were mass-produced in Chinese sweatshops. |
| Did you hear the one about my hairy, cannibalistic uncle? He was an aunt-eater. |
| Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor. |
| I tried out for suicide club I didn't make the cut |
| What do you call the presidential toilet? The Donald Dump. |
| What do you call two lesbians in a closet? A Liquor Cabinet |
| The boys asked, "Grandma, are you watching today's football match?" She asks which match. "Austria-Hungary". She answers& "Against whom?" Stolen from r/witze. |
| I am very happy with my wife. She likes to compliment me from time to time..... Otherday she was telling me that I have the biggest cock among my friends. |
| What is Donald Trump's least favorite state? New Mexico. |
| What did the Valley Girl say when she could only understand even numbers? I can't odd |
| Smokers go out in the cold for 10+ minutes a day and freeze their asses off in the winter and what do they do they get in return? Cancer. |
| "Shoveling snow is great exercise" \- Satan |
| What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common? I don't care if she has either. |
| Have you heard the joke of the traveler? Wait until he arrives, then he will tell you. |
| Why is Tumblr bad for you? Because it contains too much Transfat. |
| Back in my day, we didn't have MTV... We had to smoke pot and watch the radio! |
| Pretty lady sits next to a man at a bar Man: You're beautiful. Your definitely going to get laid tonight! Lady: You're cocky. How do you know that? Man: Because I'm stronger than you. |
| What do you call a Hispanic sniper? A Puerto-recon. |
| What are the three greatest lies? a)the check is in the mail b)small is beatiful c)I won't come in your mouth |
| A millennial moves house... Knock knock Who dis? New door |
| I'm so racist, I would only date from the one true race... ...The human race |
| I was going to push Donald Trump into a vat of wet cement but I decided not to... ...It would have really set a bad president. |
| What is the shittiest part of Object Oriented Programming? Reading the abbreviation backwards. |
| I booked a table for me and my girl... for valentines day. shes going to go mental she hates snooker |
| I love to squeeze my girlfriend when she is on her period. She is like my little ketchup packet . |
| Dad Joke It was my birthday an me and my Dad were driving on the highway when we saw a terrible accident. My Dad said "This is the worst accident I've seen in 20years!" Well yeah it was my 20th birthday. |
| The absolute value of zero. lol |
| The Oxy Tribe is an ancient tribe full of highly smart and intelligent people. So what do you call a stupid Oxy? An oxymoron |
| What does a cannibal call his girlfriend? Cutie pie |
| A horse walks into a bar... People begin to quickly, but calmly leave the bar as they realize the potential danger of the situation. |
| What was the highlight of the bulimic bachelor party? It was when the cake came out of the girl. |
| 5% of the time I make typing mistakes while messaging english speaking friends and 95% the German auto-correction will just.. Flicken es... |
| Donald Trump 'complained hand towels on Air Force One are not soft enough' After He Wiped His Ass With The Constitution |
| Knock. Knock. Who is there? Pizza delivery. Pizza delivery who? Pizza Inn. Pizza in whom? |
| What are 50 babies, each holding a gun, called? An infantry. |
| Did you hear about the clown on the loose in the textile factory? The manager was in stitches |
| I think I have OCD. I Think I Have OCD. I think I have O.C.D. I think I have O.C.D.. |
| Travelling doctors are an interesting idea... ...but they don't work in practice. |
| Why was the chicken unrecognizable? It crossed too much |
| Over the last few weeks i've been collecting details about my life and adding them to spreadsheet on my computer. I've really exelled myself. |
| We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash and Bob Hope Now we have Trump, no cash, and no hope. |
| What do you call when a Programmer pukes at IHop? A Stack Overflow |
| Vladimir Putin is banning Brazzers saying it's bad for the psyche. "Psyche". Now I know how to say 'wrist' in Russian! |
| As a writer, I often correct grammar online and get called a Grammar Nazi because of it. I'm not a Grammar Nazi, okay? I'm just alt-literate. |
| I want to open a gym for people with fetishes. It's a great idea in theory, but I'm still trying to work out the kinks. |
| Sieg Heil by Covergirl Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one panics. Hitler does the same thing and everyone loses their minds. |
| What do you call a greedy oyster? Shellfish. |
| I saw someone robbing a store and went to stop him. He hit me with a bag of golden coins. I guess you could say I had some cents knocked into me. |
| I like my coffee how I like my calculus expressions: Limitless. |
| I always carry a bomb around with me ... What is the likelihood of having two bombs in the same place at the same time? |
| My wife thinks I'm "selfish in the bedroom". She's the one that won't let me sleep. |
| Old People Always Poke Me Old people at wedding always poke me and say You Are the Next . . So, I Started Doing The Same Thing To Them At Funerals |
| I hate weeping willows. They're too sappy. |
| Paper or plastic? I went to buy condoms the other day. I asked the guy if he could double bag it for me. He just looked at me and said "You're gonna have to do that yourself buddy!" |
| What do you call a two dimensional shape that works out way too much? A Noneckagon |
| Two tennis players got into a shouting match. They made quite a racket. |
| How many nuns does it take to change a lightbulb? Nun. |
| My friend had his appendix removed and was out shooting with his other friends not a day later. Turns out cops don't like it when you try to kill them. Poor appendix didn't stand a chance. |
| Why did the Super Bowl Champions refuse to meet Trump at the White House? Because they were Patriots. |
| Why does Betsy look so distracted Her husband devos her |
| What's better than /r/jokes? the comments in /r/jokes |
| A pirate walks into a bar.. With a wheel on his crotch. The bar tender says "Aye, what's with the wheel?" Pirate says "arrrrrghhhhhh, it be driving me nuts" |
| How many bacteria does it take to change a lightbulb? One ... no, two ... no, four ... no, eight ... |
| A man walks into a barbershop and says, do you cut pubic hair? The Barber, a little taken back, says, "well, sure, why not?" The man bares his teeth and says, "Great. Can you get this one?" |
| I am annoyed that my wife came up with a girls name for my penis I don't even know who Ana Conda is! |
| What do call an irrational fear of fake bees? A faux bee, aah! |
| *Knock knock*-forever *Knock knock* Who's there? ..Deja Deja who? *Knock knock* Who's there? ..Deja Deja who? *Knock knock* Who's there? ..Deja Deja who? *Knock knock* Who's there? ..Deja Deja who? *knock knock* |
| What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. |
| Who's to coolest member of staff in the hospital? The ultrasound guy. And then who takes the title when he goes on holiday? The hip replacement man. |
| What do you call a bad joke? POTUS |
| Did you hear about the guy who couldn't pay for his exorcism? He got repossessed. |
| I have a dig bick You that read wrong You read that wrong too |
| What's im season at the White House Peach |
| What do you call a dog with no hind legs and balls of steel? Sparky... |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_11.txt |
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| @@ -0,0 +1,667 @@ |
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| What makes Jeff such a bad boy Racist sessions |
| What do you call a really smart dinosaur? A Professaur. |
| I hate breakups. Especially when they try to let you down gently. "It's not you, it's me" "I just need some space" "We can still be cousins". |
| I learned a few things today. 1. I'm gonna be a dad! 2. I'm gonna be an uncle! 3. My sisters not on the pill. |
| He likes to bury coal He's a deepholeable |
| Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside. |
| Instead of The sandy Hook students recieving books... They got Magazines instead. |
| A woman was telling her friend , "I helped my husband become a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" "A billionaire." |
| DNA Test :) Dad: What?s ur Result? Son: I?ve failed in 5 subjects. Dad: From now Onwards Don?t Call Me ?DAD?. Son: Oh Come On Dad! Its my School Test Not a DNA Test.. :-D |
| My wife says I never listen. I can prove she's wrong. That's because she never says anything |
| A Redditor posted ten wordplay jokes hoping one would get to the front page... No pun in ten did. |
| Jack and his llama walked into a bar... They ordered a drink and had a good time. |
| Why did the praying mantis cannibalize her boyfriend He refused to eat her |
| Have you heard about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself |
| Why do fascists hate snowflakes? Because of Stalingrad flashbacks |
| Who is the most poetic videogame character? Sonnet the Hedgehog |
| I already got a date this valentine's day. Her name is Emma, Emma Gination. |
| What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? A trophy. |
| What are the three rings of marriage? The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering. |
| Thyme is actually the most medicinal herb it heals all wounds |
| What did the Syrian say about the airline food? He'd say it was awful if he could get on the plane. |
| Did you guys hear about striking women? I think it's dreadful, nobody should be striking women. |
| I love open-minded people. Like JFK and Kurt Cobain. |
| Who came first. The chicken or the egg A very embarrassed rooster |
| My mom told me some bad news today... She said her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter. |
| A family had two boys and a girl named Anne... the brothers shared a common Anne sister. |
| Top tip: buying heroin? Get some extra for later. It's a bit more-ish. |
| Balding grizzles pass their genes to their offspring or... Bare bears bear bare bears. |
| Only every guy gets this..... Morning Wood |
| Why does Dr Pepper come in cans? Because his wife left him. |
| Why did the bee order a cup of coffee? For a quick buzz |
| Why can't the pony yell? His voice is too horse. |
| "Hey girl look me in the eyes" "Mmmmmno" "Why not" "I have a boyfriend. In fact I shouldn't be here sucking your dick" |
| Only pre-2017 kids will get this A decent public education |
| Don't sleep with any girl... Don't sleep with any girl that can spell gonorrhea correctly, without looking it up. |
| Person 1 to person 2: whats up my brother from another mother Person 2: aren't we siblings? Person 1: yeah sorry you're adopted |
| Why are lawyers buried deeper than regular people? Because deep down, they're really nice guys. |
| What's the least heavy kind of energy? Light Energy |
| A guy came into my shoe shop today He said, "I'd like a pair of red shoes please." "Certainly sir," I replied. "What size?" "Size 40." Fucking clown. |
| Thanks to World War I There are now more airplanes in the ocean than their are submarines in the sky. |
| If your life is awful, get a rope and a stool ...and find the next tree. Throw the rope over a branch and attach the stool to the rope. Now you've got a swing. |
| Why does Nancy suck at foot races? Her boots are made for walking |
| How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, but nobody knows how they got in there |
| Someone stole my pencil case off my desk and ran with it I guess it's no longer stationery |
| I love discussing religion with the cashier at the supermarket Because the customer is always right |
| Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man He's always looking over his shoulder. |
| What did the high Australian scientist say to his partner Stoichi while holding a broccoli? "Oy Stoichi oy'ma tree! Pretty cool huh?" |
| I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she said 'treat me like a princess!' I'm having her killed in a traffic accident in Paris. |
| My doctor gave me 4 weeks to live He said he'll shoot me if I still can't pay his bill. |
| Yesterday someone knocked on my door. When I opened it I was surprised to see Bill Gates standing on my front porch. "Have you accepted the Microsoft Terms and Conditions into your heart?" he asked. Apparently he's joined the Windows Witnesses. |
| What's the difference between the Catholic Church and Pimples... Pimples don't come on your face until you turn 10 |
| What do you call a millionaire in the white house? A public offender |
| Why are Catholics so anti-abortion? Because if women stop having kids, who are the priests going to rape? |
| The Catholic church and sexual abuse... Is a pretty touchy subject if you ask me. |
| Not everyone may think digging tunnels is exciting Some may even call it boring |
| How to reclose an opened bottle of champagne? I don't know, ask Falcons fans. |
| Did you ever notice that No 2 pencils look alike? It's true |
| Why are there no "B" batteries? You would never be able to ask for them without sounding like you have a stutter. "B-Batteries please" |
| A man loses his wife to cancer. Frustrated and depressed, he goes to sleep for the night. We wakes up with a massive erection. Guess you could say he had mourning wood. |
| What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut. |
| Where did Sally go after the bombing? Everywhere |
| The Trump cabinet is truly diverse. I counted at least 3 different shades of white in it. |
| What's worse than a satellite around Saturn? A probe in Uranus. |
| My neighbors listen to great music. Whether they like it or not. |
| If you bring back Australian gold from an alternate universe. You have AU AU Au. |
| I was walking late at night. And saw three strong men beating an old lady, i got into the fight ... And we almost kill the bitch. |
| student loans... that's it, that's the joke. It takes like 1000 years to pay off your debt. Longer than it took you to earn your degree. |
| What was the first thing Adam said to Eve ? "Stand back .... I don't know how big this thing is going to grow!" |
| Why did everyone pass the final confectioner exam? It was a piece of cake |
| Friends are like peeing in your pants... Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth. |
| Why are suicidal people so good at doing laundry. Because they're good at hanging things. |
| What do you call an empty bottle of Cheese Whiz? Cheese Was. |
| What did the German sausage say to the French bread? Gluten tag! |
| We all know a Mexican standoff and a Canadian standoff So an American standoff is when two people are flipping each other off but you know nothing's going to happen. |
| Two men go bear hunting. The first man asks, "Have you ever hunted bear before?" The second man replies, "No, but I've been fishing in shorts." |
| Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Because he's a fuckin' creep. |
| A Russian alcoholic loses the key to car... His wife wakes him from his drunken slumber. "Where are the keys to the car!?" she demands. "Vodka? Whiskey?" he replies. (read with Russian accent) |
| My mom has this really weird fetish. She liked dressing up as herself all the time and then acting like a total fucking bitch |
| I no longer saw the point in swordfighting.... I no longer saw the point in swordfighting after it blinded both my eyes. |
| How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck its dick |
| A priest and a rabbi are at a wedding... the priest sees an altar boy, and says, "man I'd really like to screw him." The rabbi responds by saying, "out of what?" |
| What city has the most people eating waffles on the beach? San Diego |
| Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin says to the other "Man, it's hot in here!" The other muffin says "HOLY SHIT, A TALKING MUFFIN?!?!" |
| How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It?s a hardware problem. |
| Waiting at the bus station ?Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?? ?No, not a soul, actually.? ?Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!? |
| My teacher told me if I slept with her I'd get an A for the semester. I love being homeschooled |
| Getting pulled over Police officer to a driver: ?OK, driver?s license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.? Driver: ?Nah, I?ve already got all that. But how much for that funny Captain?s cap?? |
| I used to buy my ex chocolate all the time She was such a bitch, I hoped it would kill her |
| How do you make a pound of fat look good? Put a nipple on it |
| The red man lives in the red house, the orange man lives in the orange house, and the yellow man lives in the yellow house. Who lives in the white house? Also the orange man. |
| Republicans are the true snowflakes... they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry! its a joke folks. just a joke. |
| 2100s kids won't get this Jobs (Robots will take them all) |
| A blind man walks into a bar... and a table... and a chair. |
| A Buddhist Monk walks up to a hotdog stand. "make me one with everything" |
| My ex and I didn't work out because of our birth signs I'm a cancer she was a cunt, her Pisces smelled like a Taurus and she was anything but a Virgo |
| They say you are what you eat That explains why I'm such a pussy |
| Android users won't get this. Update. |
| What is software engineering? It is a bad joke. |
| What do you call a nurse working on a pirate ship? An Arrrrr - N |
| What do you call a dog with no legs? I really doesn't matter he's not gonna come. |
| Windows 10 users won't get this. Privacy. |
| Did you guys hear about identity theft? Sharon is Karen! |
| Did you hear about the two tornados in Las Vegas? They decided to elope after a whirlwind romance! |
| What did mummy tower say to the baby tower Here comes the aeroplane! |
| Trump did a better job getting people to exercise in 1 month than Michelle Obama did in 8 years Look at all those protesters on the streets! |
| Why can't French people count to 5? There's a tree in the way. |
| Why are vegetables so hard to eat sometimes? The wheelchairs |
| Where did Muhammad go after the bombing? Everywhere |
| I destroy every string instrument I find... As a part of my vow of non-violins. |
| Doctor! I think I have a concussion! Doctor: "Dont worry, Its all in your head" |
| Why doesn't anyone hear psychiatrists in the bathroom? The p is silent. |
| What did the pistachio say to the peanut? Who wants to eat something that starts with P and ends with NUTs? |
| Who designed bathtubs? Seriously, I haven't been able to fully sit comfortably submerged in a bath tub since I was 11. |
| What did the Spanish Optometrist say to his Patient? Si? |
| What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick? The man. |
| Women keep telling me to "stop itemizing them" Then they go and call me a dickhead |
| Only 2010's kids will get this... Measles |
| Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him! I'll leave. |
| What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits? 20 class rings fell out. |
| I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog. It scared the shit out of him and now I need some for my carpet :( |
| "Hey, I heard somebody called you an owl today." Who? |
| Only vaccinated kids will get this... Autism. |
| What's the difference between a 2017 Tesla and 50 dead babies? I don't have a 2017 Tesla in my garage. |
| What's the difference between E.T. and an illegal immigrant? E.T. learned the language, and eventually went home. |
| I noticed something about the letter "B" Sometimes it makes subtle appearances |
| What do you call a team-up between a maniac, a random white guy, and the head of the Vatican? Snapped, Cracker and Pope |
| How does a reptile climb a mountain? It scales it |
| How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only 1, but the lightbulb has to be willing to change |
| What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted |
| Only gay men from the 1980s will get this... The gradual acceptance into society. What did you think I was going to say, you sick fucks. |
| A man walks into a bar One man says, "give me some h2o" A second man walks in and says, "give me some h2o too" The second man dies. |
| Why was the snowman so upset? Because somebody had stolen his nose and the police didn't carrot all! |
| Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman |
| What's a caterpillar afraid of? A dogapillar |
| What do you say to a Mexican guy in a vegetative state? Coma estas? |
| What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Phil-lip Phil-lop. |
| What did JayZ call Beyonce before they got married? Feyonce |
| I was supposed to be filming a porno but I was late to the set. The cameraman phoned me up and said, "Will you be long?" I said, "Yes, around 9 inches." |
| Why California hates Donald Trump? Because life in California is like GTA (Grand Theft Auto). |
| The doctor says i have myopic attendance syndrome I can't see myself coming in to work today. |
| If the Earl of Lemongrab had hair... ...do you think he'd use an acceptable conditioner to keep it soft? |
| What do you call a rabbit with fleas Bugs bunny |
| How do you eat your Reese's? Witherspoon |
| I had to quit my job as a pool cleaner... It was too draining. |
| The last time I was someone's type, I was donating blood. |
| I want to be like Leonardo DiCaprio from Inception. He has a dream job. |
| My friend is blind, you know what that means... he can't see. |
| My belt was looking a bit worn so I bought a new one.. I hope it holds up. |
| The Trump administration has chosen the next movie to screen after 'Finding Dory'. True Lies. |
| Why is a Jewish canoe the safest boat to be in? It never tips! Bonus: How do you pick up a Jewish girl? With a dustpan and a broom. |
| Only 00's Kids Will Get This Jesus Christ. |
| Made me laugh more than I should have! What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?! An investigator. |
| What do you call an Apple update you don't see coming? An iPatch... I'm sorry... |
| What did the little Ethiopian boy get for his 4th birthday? Flowers. |
| I followed Dwayne Johnson for an hour and when he wasn't looking I slapped his arse. He turned around and punched me in the face. That's what happens when you hit rock bottom. |
| Why do divers fall off the boat backwards?? Cuz if they fell forward they wud still be in the boat |
| What's the opposite of irony? Wrinkly. |
| A man walks into a bar and takes a seat. He later gets arrested for petty theft. |
| A German tank commander boasted "One Tiger can take on ten Shermans!" And an American replied "Good thing we have eleven." |
| There are three men on a boat with a pack of cigarettes and no matches. How did they manage to smoke? They threw a cigarette overboard, and made the boat a cigarette lighter |
| Trump keeps calling CNN "fake" news because... it's consistent with what Melania keeps telling him are "real" orgasms. |
| What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle? Optimistic. |
| What do you call a Japanese man in America with $8932 and 40 cents? A Mill*yen*aire. ...Yeah I know I'm a shitbird. |
| What do Donald Trump and the iPhone 7 have in common? They both think de-porting is the answer when there?s no more Jobs. |
| Why do girls like the Falcons? Because they like chokers! |
| Jobs that dont exist anymore... Steve |
| Why did the Sultan leave his job at Mattress City? He was already a manager at Ottoman Empire |
| What's a neologasm? It's a really good neologism. |
| Ronaldo hits his head and is injured. Manager shouts 'support his head' quick! The fans chant 'Ronaldo's head! Ronaldo's head!' Manager shouts 'Call him an ambulance!' The fans chant 'Ronaldo's an ambulance! Ronaldo's an ambulance!' |
| I am awesome at Russian Roulette. I've NEVER lost! |
| What happened to the frog parked in a handicap spot? He go toad. |
| The first rule of The Liars Club: Tell everybody you're in the Fight Club |
| How does Harry Potter like to go down hills? Walking j.k. ...rowling |
| What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip. |
| There was a very angry bodybuilder psychologist He had Freud rage |
| Shorty! Yo' momma is so short, I can see her feet in her driver's license. =?>#=?>#=?># |
| I would be a great Politician... I'm really good at pissing everyone off. |
| How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool. |
| What do you call a Panda who eats, shoots, and leaves? A Pandit. (bandit) OC by BatManBenJamIn |
| Something only 6000bc kids will get THE original OPs mom. |
| I was startled by a loud fart... I was fartled. |
| 2010s Kids won't get this A good president. |
| Only Baby Boomers will get this... The Draft. |
| Y'know what I find odd? Whole numbers that are not divisible by 2. |
| When Henry VIII has trouble in school, what does he do? He hires a Tudor. |
| How do you tell the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist? Methodist will say hi in a liquor store. |
| I wrote on my little sisters cast today "They say the lack of brain in a blonde is accounted for with brawn... Guess not" |
| What do clams do for their birthday? They shellibrate... |
| only 30's kids will get this: The holocaust. |
| Heard about the famous italian chef that died? He pastaway, here today gone tomato,we cannoli do so much. He will be pizza history! |
| Two soldiers are in a tank Both of them drowned Credit: from a comment by /u/KillarKittens, slightly modified |
| What do Magic Johnson, Charlie Sheen and roughly 250,000 children in Africa have in common? A continuing chance to create a better tomorrow. You **sick** bastards. |
| '70s kids won't get this Measles |
| Only African people will get this Ebola |
| I like my women like i like my coffee. I fucking hate coffee. |
| You know you live in a first world country..... When you're not dead |
| What is the difference between a cucumber and a shark attack? One is a pickle you can make, the other is a pickle you can't escape. |
| Why are fights between fictional creatures so boring? Because they always drag on. |
| Just because it's simple, doesn't mean it's easy Unless we're talking about your mom |
| I just heard there was a cure for dyslexia. That's like music to my arse! |
| What do you call sodium chloride beating someone up with Bruce Lee's corpse? A salt with a dead Lee weapon |
| I learned a new way to stop the pot from boiling over Stick your fucking face in it |
| What do you call some who kidnaps cats? A kittnapper. |
| What do you call a Chinese guy covered in iron? A Chink in the Armor OC pls no steal |
| If you're American before you go to the bathroom, and you're American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you are in the bathroom? European! |
| Only anti-vaxxers will get this... Polio |
| Deaf people seem to be the best at relationships They always let their hands do the talking |
| What's the deal with airline food? Oh wait, there is no deal because it's overpriced when available. |
| The US have been really progressive in the last decade... In 2009 they got their first black president, and this year they got their first orange one! |
| Only Coal Miners Will Get This Black lung disease. |
| The School Janitor Janitor: I know im just a school janitor, but my eldest son is in M.I.T., his younger brother in Princeton, and my youngest in Harvard. Student: (amazed) Wow, what are they studying? Janitor: Oh no, they are janitors as well. |
| My girlfriend is leaving me because of my obsession with pasta I'm feeling cannelloni right now |
| Linkin Park's web developer spent hours trying to fix a byte ordering bug. He tried so hard and got so far, but in the endian it doesn't even matter. |
| NSA.. Always listening to our customers. |
| Only 1700's sailors will get this... Scurvy |
| Frequent browsers of /r/jokes will not get this. Laid. |
| Why is improve comedy like a dead language? Because it's Sanscript. |
| A world without women... ...would be a pain the ass. |
| Some people are into carbon dating. It's not for me. I dated carbon once, turns out they made everything up. |
| People want to boycott brands because of political and religious views I just want to be able to afford those brands. |
| What's the difference between Reddit and Pornhub? On pornhub they down vote trash |
| I like my soda like I like my women Flat and room temperature. |
| Why did the sperm cross the road? Because you put on the wrong sock this morning. |
| Dave drowned So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted. - Gary Delaney, 2010 |
| I just got my first BMW! Which tires are best for splashing puddles at cyclists and pedestrians? |
| An evil mathematician makes a plan to multiply binomials It was FOILed |
| if your phone is damaged place it in a bowl of rice this will attract Asians who will fix your phone. if no Asians can be attracted with rice try uranium |
| Wanna hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism. |
| What's the funniest pepper? A jajajajajalapeÒo. |
| Dont know how to say the word GIF? Just prounounce the G how its pronounced in gigantic |
| Welcome to Atlanta where the players play. For two and a half quarters then get blown away. |
| Life is short, how bout a blowjob? You might not think it's funny, but my wife found it hilarious. |
| Da Bomb Guy 1: You da bomb Guy 2: No, you da bomb In America: a compliment. In the Middle East: an argument |
| What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue. |
| Ned Stark's death was foretold in his daughter's name Because when he died, she was sans a Stark |
| What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable |
| What's the difference between Donald Trump and Aaron Burr? Trump *doesn't* want to be in the room where it happens. |
| My girlfriend is like a diamond. I don't have a diamond. |
| If flossing is a pain in the ass you are doing it at the wrong end |
| What was the name of the Greek hero who couldn't stop swaying from side to side? Oscillates I'm not even going to apologise for this one. |
| Fun fact: Betsy Devos' name contains every letter of the alphabet that she knows of. |
| Doctor, am I dying? "Doctor, am I dying? I hurt all over, I can't sleep at night, and I have trouble staying conscious" Doctor: Nope, you're just a college student. |
| What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the titanic? About halfway. |
| If two vegans are fighting... ...is it still called a beef? |
| At a Nazi mine A worker calls out to Hitler: "Sir, we are mining too many useless Ores" [Hitler rubs his chin, contemplating] "So mine less" [Grammar Nazi chimes in, from above] "MINE FEWER" [Hitler looks up] "Yes?" |
| Recruitment lady on phone - Sir I have two openings for you.. Me - Yes, I know. (Long silence) Her - asshole Me - prefer the other one... |
| I ordered some flowers for my wife from 1800Flowers... Now what is she going to do with a truckload of roses? |
| Three nuns were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walks by The first nun, well, she had a stroke. The second nun, why, she also had a stroke. The third nun didn't touch it. |
| I don't usually brag..... I don't usually brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding. |
| What do you get if you add yeast to soup? A souprise |
| My ex always used to annoy me by saying I have terrible aim for a hitman. I miss her. |
| The paranormal community is in an uproar over a recent surge in "black ghost" sightings only near sources of light Despite proof these are shadows, no one knows what (or who) these entities are. |
| 1989 Alaskan Wild life will get this... Oil |
| Only 50,000 BC kids will get this Ugga: Ung bung uhh mang Bunga tankun ung Bunga: Nanga uhh ung tangung uhh...unganun Ugga: Inga Bunga langa ung ugg Ugga? Bunga: Ung bunga uhh tangung angu OOK OOOOOK |
| The Mexican word of the day.. The Mexican word of the day is cashew. Like I'll cashew outside, how bout dat? |
| What do you call a native american who's balding? A patchy. |
| Can circumsized men ride bikes on the sidewalk? ..or do you have to be a complete dick.. |
| Back in the 70's you could hold out your hand and a car would pick you up and take you where you need.... Today we call that child abduction. |
| Heard the sperm bank gives $50 for your sperm. I have a sock in my room worth $3000. |
| My mother-in-law fell in a wishing well. I didn't know they worked. |
| A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." |
| A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *poof* & he disappeared without a tres! |
| What's Donald Trump's favorite operating system? Windows. |
| I went to jail after dropping the soap. I mean gel, learned my lesson the first time. |
| How tall is Betsy DeVos? We don't know, she can't measure growth. |
| What does a bee say when it returns to it's hive? Honey, I'm home! |
| The awards ceremony at the dog show went horribly wrong. The trophy maker had a grudge against the show. To shame them, the 6 foot trophy was of a feline's behind instead of a pedigree dog. Showrunners and dog owners called the event a "Catastrophe." |
| My girlfriend said she wanted to try and get rid of her "love handles". I told her she would look stupid without any ears. |
| what is cows favorite video sharing website MOOtube |
| What's the difference between your friends and an asshole? I don't stab my asshole when it talks shit. |
| How many Potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None. |
| How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish family? Zero. |
| Why do midgets always laugh when they play soccer? Because the grass tickles their balls. |
| What do you call the American president when he's taking his prescription hair-loss medication? ...IM-P.O.T.U.S. |
| According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking. Because if there?s one thing women love, it?s a man who can lie. |
| My girlfriend said she dosent want to be with me anymore I was very suprised that my right hand can talk |
| Deaf people seem tough to me Because they always let their fists do the talking |
| You know your pitbull loves you when... You wake up with all your limbs intact. |
| Four rappers are asked to think of a word that rhymes with orange Eminem: Door hinge Lil Wayne: nigga Chris brown: orange Lil b: bicycle |
| My friend started annoying me with fowl bird puns But toucan play at that game |
| The teacher asks the class to use a sentence with the words defense and defeat. The Mexican rasies his hand and says, "I jumped dee fence with dee feet." |
| If Vladimir Putin wanted to poison a Mexican political enemy, would he use pollonium... Or would he be too chicken? |
| Here's an insider tip that will save you thousands on your next vacation. Don't go. |
| I don't trust anyone with a conspiracy theory, man. I think they are all up to something. |
| Why did the cow go to the gym? To work on his calves. |
| Trump is a real asset to the country! Fucking Siri! I said *Ass Hat* not *Asset*!!! |
| Sometimes when I turn off the lights and masturbate, it feels like Jesus is watching me. Mexican prison is shit. |
| What does a neckbeard get when he's sick A malady. |
| I hate housework. You do the dishes and you do the washing. Then six months later you have to start again. |
| I took my wife out the other day. What a great shot it was. |
| I built a Rollercoaster park but it's not as good as a lot of others It definitely has its ups and downs thiugh |
| Why should you never trust harp players? They're always pulling strings |
| So a conservative and a liberal walk into a bar. The bartender says, "it's malt liquor night, in honor of black history month. Can I get you a 40?" The liberal says "sure that sounds all right." The conservative says "no thanks I'm alt-right." |
| 90s kids won't get this either Jobs |
| Two fish are in a tank... Suddenly, one turns to the other and says: "Do you know how to drive this thing?" |
| How does one think the unthinkable with an itheberg |
| whats the saddest story called? my wife. |
| What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippy? The hockey player showers after three periods. |
| There is a fine line between numerator and denominator but only a fraction of people will get the joke |
| Did you hear the joke of the bathroom? I didn't either; the door was closed! |
| A man walks into an online forum.. A man walks into an online forum and tells a joke that nobody really understands. Get it? |
| How do you get a fish on the line? You call him. |
| Where did Timmy go during the explosion? **EVERYWHERE**. He had a newfound respect for life after being spared from such a life-changing event. He went to Arizona, Colorado, New York, England, then settled down in Paris with his now-engaged girlfriend. |
| My son is nearly 21 years old, but he still gets pampered. He says he's ready for big boy undies, but I'm not sure. |
| What's the difference between Betsy DeVos and a Grizzly Bear? Betsy DeVos is an actual threat to school children. |
| I am a serial monogomist I am loyal to my cornflakes. |
| '90s kids won't get this (cont.) Measles. |
| Everyone loves to talk about how much they support people with mental illness, but they never follow through when I ask them for help Then they're all like "oh my god" and "calm down" and "sir this is the produce isle please stop crying into the cabbage" |
| Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentines Day... ...the side chick is you. |
| I like my coffee black and without crackers. |
| Donald Trump calls the media 'fake news' even when they're directly quoting something he said/tweeted... ...but since most of the things he says are fake, by transitive property, the news is fake too |
| The doctor gave me 6 months to live. So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved. |
| When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails& and beat my parents to death. My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards. |
| I searched up why incest porn has become so popular this year. Apparently Alabama just recently got internet connection. |
| Breaking: Betsy DeVos has cancelled.... the subject-verb agreement. |
| What do traffic lights and liberals have in common? They stop you turning right.. even though it?s safe to do so. *And I?m sure there?s more& please feel free to add ! |
| What do you call the wife of a hippy? Mississippi |
| Only 1300's kids will get this.. The Black Plague |
| Subreddits appreciating something usually have one of two titles: Xisbeautiful(r/dataisbeautiful) or Xporn(r/earthporn) Let's just say that r/internetisbeautiful would have a lot more subscribers if they chose the latter |
| Does your Mum like chicken? No? I bet your Nando's |
| When God closes a door He opens a window. THAT'S WHY IT'S SO FUCKING COLD IN HERE! |
| What do you call a food that used to be enjoyed by the poor, but is now eaten by the wealthy elite? Gentrifried rice. |
| !false It's funny because it's true. |
| This morning I woke up to a blow job. Oh wait, my job blows every morning. |
| Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus They say its bark is worse than its bite. |
| What did one drunk muslim say to another? I'm drunk Ash-faq |
| When you disagree with someone, it is always better to walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile away from them. And you'll have their shoes. |
| Was hit by a rental car earlier today... It still Hertz. |
| What the best way to get anybody's pussy wet? Drop their cat in a pool |
| What did the grape say when it got squashed? Nothing; it just let out a little wine. |
| What type of weather is the most offensive? Darude - Sandstorm |
| That awkward moment when you realise your new 'promotion' involves less power, less money, and less influence.# -DJT |
| What's the difference between a Ferrari and 3 dead babies... I don't have a Ferrari in my garage. |
| Got sacked from my drug counselling job just because they didn't like my motto. 'It's my way or the highway'. |
| What is a wolfs favorite puzzle? AWOOObix cube! |
| What do you call an illegal immigrant fighting a child rapist? Alien vs Predator |
| Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling. Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling. Shit. I guess I do have an obsession with Britney's peers. |
| Trump is the type of guy who will look you square in the eye and shake your hand like a man. While taking a piss on your boots. |
| A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods The bear turned around and asked the rabbit, "do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" "No" the rabbit replied. So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit. |
| What did one ¿ rad say to the other ¿ rad? "arrrr matey!" |
| A man describes his dreams to the psychiatrist. Man - "Last night I dreamed that I was a teepee. The night before I dreamed that I was a yurt. What does it mean?" Psychiatrist - "You're two tents." |
| Two cows are standing in a field. *The first cow says*: did you hear about that "mad cow disease" that's going around? That sounds pretty terrible. *The second cow says*: yeah, it does. Good thing us chickens don't have to worry about that! |
| Martelleus Bennett is refusing to meat with Donald Trump. Yeah, he's a real Patriot. |
| GoT joke: What do you call a Dothraki who does jumping jacks every morning? Khal Isthenics. |
| The restaurant Hooters is known for two things... ...boobs. |
| How does a mathematician solve their constipation? They work it out with a pencil |
| Why is the music award show in Canada called the Junos? Because everytime someone wins, everyone goes "Juno who that is?" |
| I used to have diarrhea ...but then I got my shit together. |
| Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Yes February 14th. |
| Why did gravity and magnetism hook up? We don't fully know, but there were definitely forces of attraction at work. |
| "....so then my wife told me to run out and get her some Head & Shoulders" "......nevertheless, this court still finds you guilty Mr. Dahmer" |
| Why do hummingbirds hum? They forgot the lyrics |
| Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now? Andy has diabetes |
| Why did a scientist install a door knocker? coz he wanted to win a no-bell prize!!!!!!!! |
| How do you teach someone to make an omelette? Show them an eggsample |
| I've never understood giving flowers to someone on Valentine's Day. "Here's a dying plant... because i love you?" |
| I would call Donald Trump a cunt but he lacks both depth and warmth. |
| So I Heard Facebook has got a new fake news filter. All I wanna know is when they're gonna get the real one. |
| What do Betsy Devos and Jared from Subway have in common? Both of their main goal is to fuck children. |
| Did you hear the one about all the missing women in the area? No? Thats good then... |
| Two employees are standing next to a water cooler talking... One says to the other "Yaknow, our boss says we should be extraordinary but he's average in more ways than one" "Yeah," says the other "you could say he's a double standard!" |
| Sex with no strings attached? Don't shag a puppet. |
| The best thing about Betsy DeVos being nominated as the head of department of education ... is the fact they are abolishing it completely. |
| I think my cellmate was gay last time I went to jail His dick tasted like shit |
| What piece of sporting equipment is best for provoking a debate? Discus. |
| Some people just have a way with words and other people & oh & not have way |
| Stranger: "I've got no friends." Me: "You're not alone." |
| Prison sex... It's con-sensual. |
| What do cows produce during an earthquake? MILKSHAKE!!!! |
| Two whales walk into a bar.... The first one says: "AOOOOOUUUUUOOOUUUUGGGAAAAUUUOOOOOOOOOOAAAAGOOOOGGGGUUUUUAAAAAAAAA" The second one says: " Go home steve, your drunk |
| August 6, 1945 Hiroshima The day Rice Krispies were invented. |
| What was U2's lawyer's hourly rate? Nothing, he was pro-Bono |
| I was reading a book about paint today and I just burst into tears I was overcome by emulsion |
| What did O say to Q? Put that thing away, there are kids here. |
| Betsy DeVos's school funding plan... You start with $0. But if you sign up 5 kids for school, and those kids sign up 5 more kids, and THOSE kids sign up 5 more kids... |
| Two balloons were flying in the desert... ... and one of them said: "Be careful, there's a cactusssssssssssssssssssssssss". |
| What do you call a super model with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese |
| Never date a tennis player Love means nothing to them - Matt Winning, 2015 |
| I love hyperbole It is literally the best thing ever! |
| My wife is like the square root of -100... A perfect 10, but completely imaginary |
| "Which hand do you use to stir your coffee?" "My right?" "How original, I use a spoon" |
| How do you stop a mole from digging? Take his shovel away |
| What's Donald Trump's spirit animal? The wall-rus. Yes, I do hate myself. |
| How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Never mind, it's an obscure number you probably haven't even heard of before. |
| My American Car... was Made in Mexico. My Japanese car was Made in America. |
| I can only mourn something viewed with my own two eyes... As they say, seeing is bereaving. |
| People think I'm a pervert... People think I'm a pervert because I sleep with a 9 year old. But you have to remember, dog years are 7 times longer than ours. |
| So my wife walked into the room while I was having sex with my daughter...... I wasn't sure what she was more freaked out by, the fact that I was fucking our daughter, or that the abortion clinic gave me the fetus. |
| Why couldn't the ginger bread man walk? Because he had crummy legs. |
| Trumps favourite joke. What do sharks and people have in common? The only great ones are white. |
| Two teenagers snuck into a crypt at night. One tripped over a small bone and the other unashamedly laughed. Can't blame him though, it was a little humerus. |
| Frank the Human Cannonball retired yesterday and has yet to be replaced... The circus owner said, "It's hard to find another man of that caliber." |
| Nintendo, don't be a Valve Make Luigi's Mansion 3! |
| I get paranoid when I smoke Sometimes I get paranoid when I smoke, like last time I got so high I convinced myself my girlfriend was sleeping with my bestfriend. Luckily for me though it was only my second best friend. |
| I lead a pretty rock n roll lifestyle I wake up stoned and roll out of bed |
| There?s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell. Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass? |
| Pakistani breakup line Boy to Girl: It's not you, it's my goat ! |
| RenÈ Descartes walks into a bar.... The bartender asks if he'd like a beer. "I think not." and he promptly vanished from existence. |
| When life hands you lemons.....Make lemonade Then, find someone for whom life has handed them Vodka.... |
| The Sanders/Cruz debate was really weird It was like peeking into an alternate dimension where both parties had hindsight |
| Why was the mathematician overweight? Because he ate three squared meals a day |
| What's the tallest building in the world? A library, cause it has so many stories |
| Why do Phish concerts have the best drugs? Because if you're not tripping ballsack you'll realize you paid 45 bucks to listen to cheese eating Vermontians tune their instruments for 6 fucking hours. |
| If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests? STUPID. |
| Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. |
| What did Robocop say to the criminal he's fucking to death? "Dead or alive, you're coming with me." |
| What's the hardest part when telling a gay joke? Keeping a straight face. |
| I saw my first coloured movie today One guy was half black and half white and another guy was half white and half black |
| Why are Marxists good at hiding? Commieflage. |
| Crazy times. Republicans silenced Elizabeth Warren. Do you know what kind of power that takes? To silence the world's loudest woman? |
| The dentist told me I need a crown. I'm like, "I know, right?!" |
| A prominent art collector quits the Cabinet immediately after his confirmation He had stumbled into the wrong auction |
| I screamed my crushes name while having sex with my girlfriend But she didn't care 'cause Mercy isn't our safeword. |
| What do you get when you cross a Hells Angel with a Jehovah's witness? They come to your door and tell you to fuck off |
| What's the difference between Japanese sake bars and doctors in Oregon? One of them serves adults in Asia... |
| When do people have unhappy bowel movements? On sad-turd-days. |
| How does a quarterback discipline his kids? Intentional Grounding |
| Why don't squirrels mate in the summer? Because they're storing their nuts for the winter. |
| Bin Laden said it was ok to masterbate.... I guess they should have called themselves the Tali-whackers. |
| Chlorine texts potassium, asking to borrow an electron. Potassium replies, "K" |
| It's 2018. A student insults his teacher, "without us, you wouldn't have a job!" The teacher looks him in the eye, and says "without your parents' money, you wouldn't have a teacher" |
| '90s kids won't get this Social security |
| On a scale of Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky How much do you love your kids? |
| What's the difference between a Republican senator and a prostitute? A prostitute takes your money to fuck you. A Republican senator collects money from someone else and then fucks your children. |
| I posted "In the end, I hope Trump is just a bump in the road and we go on about our business" Was answered "yeah, in that case, the line of cars waiting their turn will stretch to the horizon" |
| Why is there no such thing as a drug sniffing dog ? Because the dog will high at training |
| What did the Bunny say to the Carrot? I'm going to eat you! |
| Dear Justin Bieber haters, please respect him I owe him my life. Last year August, i had been in a coma for 6 months. Then one day my nurse turned on the radio to his songs. So i woke up and turned it off.. |
| Why don't women fart? They can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up any pressure. |
| Why do guys snore when they sleep on their back Their balls fall over their asshole and the air has nowhere else to go |
| My husband almost gave me a heart attack when he said "I like my men like I like my coffee...." "and I fucking hate coffee." |
| The rancher had 196 cows But when he rounded them up he had 200 |
| I can't believe they are still together after all those years of shit Who? My butt cheeks |
| Does anybody know how to get rid of smelly feet? Asking for a foot |
| My neighbors caught me watching them have sex through their bedroom window and told my parents. My dad made me apologize and told the couple I was normally above that type of behavior. I took the advice and started watching through the skylight. |
| Just found a hat with a hundred pound in it!!! The guy playing the guitar was well jealous that he never noticed it first! Chased me all the way down the street. |
| TIL Abraham Lincoln is the only president that cannot be convicted of a crime Because he's innocent. |
| What do you do if you miss your mother-in-law? Reload. (Thanks Bob Dylan via Theme Time Radio Hour) |
| My friend asked me what my sex life has been like in the past..... I said it was like the Bowling Green Massacre :( |
| What's the difference between a frog and a horny toad? Frog said ribbit ribbit. The horny toad said rubbit rubbit |
| What do Spanish people call their young Jewish friends? Amigos Menorahs. |
| What do Princess Kate and Osama bin Laden have in common? They both had their back doors blown out by a guy in the navy. |
| What do you call a dog kennel in San Francisco? Luxury apartments |
| "No" means "NO"!..... Unless she's dyslexic, then **it's ON!** |
| A man approached Captain Von Trap and said, "No offense, but is that short haired blonde single?" "Nun taken." |
| A cop goes up to the window of a car he's just pulled over Cop: "Any drugs or alcohol today?" Man: "No but I vape" Cop: "Look pal, I don't give a shit if you're gay, just answer the question." |
| I tried to start an online bakery. But I accidentally deleted all my cookies. |
| I just spawned in and instantly died... But isn't that how abortion works? |
| What comes after 69? Listerine. |
| What do you get if you cross a Rottweiler and a Labrador? A dog that scares the shit out of you then runs away with the toilet roll. |
| How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram |
| Wanna get a pizza and fuck? Guy: Hey, wanna get a pizza and fuck? Girl: No. Guy: What? You don't like pizza. |
| Make your Betsy DeVos jokes soon.. While people can still read |
| My buddy and I both have the flu. I invited him over for Netflix & chills. |
| Why should women stop having children after 35? Because 36 is too many |
| How is driving a Ford truck similar to visiting Thailand? Either way, you're likely to blow a tranny |
| If you cited something from Reddit... I guess you could call it Creddit |
| The trampoline used to be called a jumpoline. They changed the name to Tramponline when my Mother in law got one. |
| Two cows are eating grass in a field The first turns to the second and says "Moooooo" The second turns to the first and says "I was just about to say that" |
| A feminist got mad because I said boys and girls instead of girls and boys I asked what's it matter, I always cum first |
| "You snooze, you lose." -Competitive insomniacs |
| What's the difference between meeting me in a bar and meeting Bill Cosby in a bar? You'll remember meeting me |
| What do Lebron and a gigolo have in common? They've both got a rim-job to do. |
| Tobacco companies kill their best customers And condom companies kill their future customers |
| Many people are asking me who I think will win the boxing match between Chris Brown and Soulja Boy, but Chris is the obvious choice as far as I'm concerned. After all I've seen his handiwork years ago and it's not too shabby. |
| My friend asked me to stop singing Wonderwall I said maybe |
| I found the simplest, best way to shave You have to use Occam's Razor |
| I told the Subway sandwich lady not to forget my pickle. It was a big dill |
| Why was tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh. |
| They say that cows kill more people than airplane crashes... It's true, my ex once chased me with a knife. |
| Fight Club is the best bromance movie that never happened! |
| Mr. Trump, did you know Beethoven was deaf? Trump: And how was he able to make all those movies? |
| What do you call a magical dog? Labracadabrador |
| 9/11 wasn't an inside job because all the employees jumped outside. |
| Why was the vulture kicked off of the airplane? Because he ate a passenger's carrion! |
| I totally blew it with my new girlfriend That's how it goes with inflatable partners. |
| What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a badly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire. |
| What do penguins do in a race? They peng-win |
| What do Betsy Devos and the Catholic Church have in common? They may help some, but it's mostly just a bunch of kids getting fucked. |
| I was suffering from short term memory loss But then I found my ram. |
| What do you call a cannon that can't fire properly? Projectile Dysfunction. I'll see myself out. |
| My math teacher called me average... How mean |
| What does the dyslexic cow say? oom |
| What's the difference between an encyclopedia and a Republican senator? The encyclopedia has a spine. (Apologies to Senators Collins and Murkowski) |
| What did the Muslim say to Castro's gay lover? "Stop, you are Infidel!" |
| What do you and the universe have in common? You both started with a Big Bang. (I've known this joke for a longtime and I don't remember if I made it) |
| What do you call interracial Game of Thrones porn? Taking the black |
| A man walks up to the pearly gates Saint Peter asks, "How did you get here?" The mans answers, "Flu." |
| Teacher asks class: "use the word Dandelion in a sentence" Teacher asks class: "use the word Dandelion in a sentence" Jamaican student: "the cheetah is faster dandelion" *Everyone dies* |
| Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Bin Laden |
| What type of berry can you drink out of? A strawberry. |
| What do you call a heavy trash can that tips things over? A bin Laden. |
| What do you call a group of ducks quacking at once in a disorderly fashion? Quack-aphony |
| Why did Donald Trump blush? He saw the climate changing. |
| My dad told me to wipe my computer before I sell it. I said, "Why?" He said, "Because there's cum all over it." |
| I wanted to take a Chinese cooking class. But looking into it, it seemed like too much wok. |
| A guy walks into a brothel... A guy walks into a brothel and says to the madam, "I want the worst sex in the place. If she's miserable, I want her". The madam asks, "Are you crazy sir"? "No" replies the guy "Just homesick". |
| Toilet bowls .... should be higher |
| Apparently I'm allergic to Burt's Bees body wash Broke out in hives |
| This year I got my Valentines Day cards mixed up. My girlfriend thinks I love her and my wife thinks I want to fuck her. |
| How many citrus fruits does it take to kill a pirate? None. |
| What do you call a large body of water that's salty and filled with promiscuous women? The Hoecean. |
| Why did the dentist's accountant get arrested? Incisor's trading. |
| Falcons Fans (a bit late but...) Falcons fans be like #Notmysuperbowl |
| How many republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Ah, I'll have get back to you on that one... |
| Why did the fighter jet go to the doctors office? Because it had ejectile dysfunction. |
| They're finally cracking down on Instagram pages that promote white-supremacy... or as I like to call them: gram-crackers. |
| My wife said, "When I die, I want everyone at my funeral to be happy, not sad and depressed." I said, "Don't worry. They will be." |
| My girlfriend asked me if I'd ever been in a fight and I told her that I hadn't. "You're a pussy," she said. "I once sent a guy to hospital." I said, "We're talking about fighting, not cooking." |
| Trump is doing something that no one, in the history of democracy, is known to have done before: He's demanding a recount after he *won* the election. |
| Guys, the book of Revelation is finally coming true, if you don't belive me, look it up... We've heard the final Trump-Pence. |
| I told my friend I watched The Two Towers and it was fun I've never seen him get so angry over a Lord Of The Rings film. |
| My neighbours love my taste in music. They even call the police to listen it. |
| Why don't Falcons eat cereal? They lost the bowl |
| Who's jesus favourite singer Michael bible |
| I just divorced my wife of six years. It was very amicable. She was the first one to "like" my Facebook status when I indicated I was single again. |
| A midget psychic just escaped from prison... She's a small medium at large. |
| Well to be Frank... I would have to change my name. |
| The sign said, "Pay with your phone." Sorry Wendy's, but I think my iPhone7 is worth a little more than your triple baconator. |
| My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like she was special... ...so I got her a helmet and a box of crayons! |
| What did they call Mozart after he died? A decomposer Baddoom-tish |
| Optimist vs Pessimist Optimist?the glass is half full Pessimist?the glass is half empty Feminist?the glass is being raped |
| Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?" Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me." |
| Around 26 out of 100 people fail at probability theory that's over 60% |
| I went to Jared But then I saw the prices and decided to buy a ring on amazon. |
| What do you call a letter from a feminist? Hate male. |
| I don't know why the Samoa Girl Scout cookies are racially insensitive... because I'm white and I have no problem with crackers. |
| On my flight to Australia I was asked if I had any criminal records I was confused, because I didn't know it was still a requirement |
| The price of balloons have been plummeting... Specialists say it's due to inflation. |
| What do you get when you drop a piano on a minor? A flat minor |
| What do you call an official weapon that shoots pieces of music? A canon canon cannon |
| Education nominee Betsy DeVos wins Senate confirmation vote I kept seeing this in r/news, but I was sure it belonged here...... |
| Seven eight nine. Cinco seis, "Siete! Que haces?!" |
| A man walking home at night comes across a drunk fumbling around under a street light. Man: What's going on? Drunk: I'm looking for my keys. Man: Did they fall out of your pocket? Drunk: I don't know but this is where the light is. |
| The difference between men and women... ...is that after being in a relationship for six months a woman wonders if it's time to say 'I love you' and a man wonders if it time to fart in bed. |
| Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool |
| I was exposed to a dangerous amount of gamma radiation. It still hertz. |
| You know the german translation for irony? JewWorkingForGasCompany |
| The day I can?t do my job drunk is the day I hand over my keys today was my last day as a school bus driver |
| What do you call a fly without wings? A walk. |
| I recently got hit by a car in a funeral procession... It still hearse! |
| What is a far right-wing conservatives favorite candy? Preppermints. |
| Bill Clinton has a smart and beautiful wife Let's just hope she never meets Hillary |
| You know, I don't find the recent super bowl win all that historic... After all, this isn't the first time Atlanta was burned by the north. |
| i asked a dyslexic kid if he was Team Santa or Team Satan... (NSFW) he told me to go fuck his mother. |
| What is the bestselling bodycare product amongst terrorists? Lip bomb |
| An interviewer asked me what my biggest weakness was So I replied "Well I'd say my best strength is my listening skills" |
| In how many parts does the skull divide? It depends on the strength you use to hit it. |
| Caught two friends talking shit about me... Oh,did i say talking?I wanted to say taking and on me while i was sleeping |
| Did your son like his birthday gifts? -Did your son like his birthday presents? -Oh, he broke every single one of them - the phone, gaming console and even notebook.. -My god! Did he break my gift too?! -Nope, your fucking hammer is fine. |
| I asked my wife if she wanted to try a new sex position called the 68. I asked if she wanted to try the 68. Wife: What's a 68? Well it's when you go down on me, and I'll owe you one. |
| Whats the difference between Kleenex and the starship Enterprise? They both circle Uranus searching for Clingons |
| How many of Donald Trump's Cabinet does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Apparently, they prefer holding meetings in the dark. |
| The Chinese food was good But I miss my dog |
| My friend asked what to do when the variable and number are next to each other in algebra. I responded "They multiply" |
| $1 MILLION IN HEAVEN Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in heaven?" God replied, "$1 million." Joe asked, "How long is a minute in heaven?" God said, "One million years." Joe asked for a penny. God said, "Sure, in a minute." |
| What's the difference between your mom and my penis? I don't get turned on when I slam my penis head in a door. |
| What's the laziest food? Bread. It likes to "loaf" around. |
| A man works for a company for nearly a decade without getting promoted He decides that he can either start kissing ass and climb the corporate ladder or he can kill himself. He chose the latter |
| What's the worst thing to happen to a banana gun? It gets Jammed |
| Dorblu A man at a store: "Do you have Dorblu cheese" "What is it Dorblu?" "Oh, it's a kind of cheese with mold" "Sorry, we haven't. But we have Dorblu bread and Dorblu sausage" |
| Trump's Plan... Maybe Trump's real plan is to make Americans so intolerable that the rest of the world doesn't want to cross America's borders. |
| What do Michael Jackson and Kmart have in common? They both have boys pants 1/2 off. |
| Me and the wife were talking about sexy role playing when she asked what I'd like to do. I said "Well, we go to a bar separately and pretend we've never met" "Ooh, then what?" she answered I said "Nothing, that's it". |
| What does the travel ban look like at Wal-mart? Well, it's just a small version of regular sized Ban, both the roll-on and invisible solid. |
| What do you call a russian mall cop? Cyka Blart |
| How did the Scandinavian countries communicate during WW2? Norse code |
| I think it's about time we start voting for more politicians with breasts I don't see why not, considering how long we've been voting for complete boobs in the first place. |
| I've never gone sailing before, but I want to sail around the world one day... I have a yacht to learn before my trip. |
| I didn't trip I was testing the floors reflexes! |
| I heard the Obama's just got a cleaning bill from the White House... Apparently they left a huge pile of shit in the oval office. |
| "What's the difference between an Al-Qaeda base and a Pakistani school?" "I don't know man, I just fly the drone." |
| Is this subreddit a vaccum? because all the jokes suck. |
| Rest In Peace, American Education Coming to an end in DeVos't way imaginable. |
| I've been seeing this girl for a while, but I had to drop her Someone stole my pair of binoculars |
| How many athiests do you need to change a lughtbulb? None. It will be changed by itself. |
| A guy walks into a bar He says ouch |
| My girlfriend thinks I'm incapable of being faithful My wife on the other hand... has a pretty hot sister |
| What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller |
| What do you do with a dead chemist? Ba. For those of you that are having a hard time, Ba is the atomic symbol for Barium. |
| What is 10 blocks long and never had sex? The line for the Nintendo Switch |
| Trump being elected is proof that we never developed time travel. Today I know why we never developed time travel. |
| My wife left me because I made too many linkin park references oh well, I guess in the end it doesn't even matter. |
| Know what's weird about Obama kitesurfing? It means there's finally something he has in common with Trump: watersports. |
| What does a good bar and a woman have in common? Liquor in the front and poker in the back |
| I used to work as a corset make for about twenty years But I had to give it up, the work was too constraining. |
| Winter in Poland is like my ex... ...it doesn't know whether to be cold or hot |
| I'm sick and tired of hearing the US doesn't have Checks and Balances! What do you think the Koch brother's accountants do? |
| Home is where your friends are So I'm homeless |
| A man asks the doctor "Can I take a bath with diarrhea?" Doctor:"If you could fill the bathtub with it, why not?" |
| Why can't you starve in a desert? Because of all the sand which is there. |
| Why is the workplace of a penis dangerous ? Has to work in dark, wet caves, while standing all the time |
| What is Harambe's favorite spice? CAGE-en spice! |
| What do you get when you mix a bird, a van, and a dog? A flying carpet |
| Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba Dum Tshhhh |
| I can't stand those stupid people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn". Stupid firemen. |
| Why was Jesus ripped at his crucifixion? Because he was cross-fit! |
| I ordered a dildo online last week Today it finally came. |
| When it comes to making a simple, quick dinner, YOU CAN'T BEATRICE! Sorry, you can't beat rice. (by British Comedian Milton Jones) |
| Girls used to call me ugly until they saw my wallet. Now they call me ugly and poor. |
| There are 10 types of programmers: Those who understand binary and those who don't |
| They just got rid of the head of the funfair. That's unfair. |
| Whom did the Boston Strangler choke last? The Atlanta Falcons. |
| I'm glad that DeVos was confirmed as education secretary. Now I don't have to worry about my grandkids being able to read some of my dumbest Facebook posts... or anything else, for that matter. |
| Original Content I wish I could post this on another sub |
| Did you hear about the turtle that became a chef and opened his own restaurant? His specialty is slow cooked meals. |
| How many suh-dudes does it take to change a lightbulb? None, it's already lit fam! |
| What's the most confusing holiday for black people? Father's Day! |
| Why did the Jazz performer wear one shoe? It gave him sole. |
| My girlfriend is breaking up with me because of my vegan diet... By the way, have I mentioned I'm a vegan? |
| I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday... But all the little shit did was sit in his wheelchair and cry. PS:Not sure if this one has been on here before or not, a friend told it to me and I thought it should go here. |
| Why did the deplorable shoot with his left hand To try and get IN the basket |
| My apartment has more than nine ants, but my landlord refuses to get rid of them. He claims they have **ten ants' rights**. |
| I don't see why Obama gave all his speeches behind bulletproof glass.. I know he's black and all but I doubt he'd actually shoot anyone. |
| What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe dammit, BREATHE! |
| What do you call a blind dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesaurus |
| The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar. It was tense. |
| What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast. |
| As an American, you know what really grinds my gears? Not having German Engineering |
| I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!" but it didnt fly. Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings |
| Where do Palestinians go to have fun at night? The Gaza Strip club. |
| A Cop is searching for a criminal babysitter. He says, "I am going to search every little crook and nanny." |
| These Bowling Green Massacre jokes are too soon Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place. |
| ISIS is winning the war By denying US troops visas into territory surrounding the caliphate |
| I would only play one handed in the music assessment But then I'd be in treble |
| I was waiting in line at this restaurant to order some fruit punch. That's it. That was the punch-line. |
| Trump's presidency is historic... He's the first president to ever be more concerned about personal insecurity than he is about national security. |
| What do muslims color with? Qurayons |
| I was in an airport in South Korea recently, and while shopping, asked the cashier which currency he preferred. A bit agitated, he replied... "The Korean Won!" |
| A, C, and E walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve minors." |
| You guys hear about the fire at the circus? It was InTENTSe. |
| A photon walks into a hotel with his luggage... The bellhop asks, "sir, do you need help with your bags?" The photon responds, "that's alright, I'm traveling light!" |
| What do you call a Communist sniper? A Marxman |
| How many millennials does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Shit's already mad lit, fam. |
| What's a refugee's favourite song? Welcome to the Jungle |
| They're going to start letting animals participate in the X Games... They will all have to go through extreme vetting before entering |
| I went to the sewer the other day... It was a load of crap. |
| We didn't elect Harambe for president But we still got a gorilla in office |
| People claim that in the English language, y can be a vowel but I think that's just a myth |
| What is the difference between Hyaenidae and a butt on weed? The first are hyenas The second is a high-anus. |
| Went to the gym today and cheered everyone on for an hour. On the way out the trainer stopped me... Confused he asked me what I was doing at the gym. So I told him exactly what I was doing: "Lifting Spirits" |
| Why didn't the Soviet Union join WW2 until 1941? They were using Stalin-tactics |
| Reddit is like cancer Once you've noticed it it really grows on you. |
| What's the funniest software? Lotus Notes |
| Don't. Never laugh at your wife?s choices& you?re one of them & |
| What does the car-loving cowboy say when he meets people? H' Audi |
| A horse walks into the bar... It neigh's, shits on the floor and walks out, leaving the bar patron's bewildered |
| Ubisoft Servers. Thats it. |
| [Request] Tell me your best bird puns! Giving someone a bird themed gift, what are some puns I can use for the card? (It's not for a birthday, so "happy bird-day" won't work). |
| New England Patriots are the Super Bowl World Champions I loved the way they destroyed Germany in semi-finals, and embarrassed Rwanda in the final. |
| Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve noble gases here." Argon doesn't react. |
| Where do the light end up? In prism. xD |
| I recently saw a video of a girl sitting on various fruit To me, that's fucking bananas |
| How did Jesus feel after the Romans killed him? How did Jesus feel after the Romans killed him? He felt pretty cross. |
| It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones. Well, they?re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy. |
| Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? A: "You may have graduated but I've got so many degrees" |
| Verbal skills study "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien |
| My dick is like Stan Lee I know he'll appear, but i don't know when and when I notice it's already too late. |
| Give a man a jacket... And he'll be able to leave the house. Teach a man to jacket, and he'll never leave the house. |
| Gave my friend in a wheelchair 3 hits of molly last night He's still rollin' this morning |
| My family and friends always told me I was an 'artistic person'. Finally got a hearing aid and... well... let's just say that was *not* what they were trying to tell me. |
| My wife made coffee this morning and I ended up with a piece of coffee bean in my teeth at the weekly department meeting. My lawyer has informed me this qualifies as grounds for divorce. |
| My brother told me to stop acting like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. |
| Why did the chicken walk into the light? To get to the other side. |
| My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. |
| I was very naive sexually My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months - Hayley Ellis, 2012 |
| What's a revolutionist's favourite pastry? Coup d'Ètart |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_12.txt |
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| @@ -0,0 +1,672 @@ |
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| What's a vampiric hummingbird's favourite drink? Necktar |
| On my way for the latest Porsche presentation.. the airport officials requested the purpose of my flight. I wrote down "I'm here for the newest 911". Best regards from Guantanamo. |
| My girlfriend asked me not to kill a spider, but said I should take it out instead. I'm getting really sick of her sending these mixed messages. |
| Why did Pygmalion's girlfriend break up with him? Because he took her for granite. |
| Teddy Bears never feel Hungry Why the Teddy bears never feel hungry? Because they are always stuffed! |
| How did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank P.B.R. before it was cool. |
| What do the Atlanta Falcons and a white noise machine have in common? They both make artificial fan sounds. |
| My wife just got back from her OB/GYN appointments. He told her she cannot have sex 6 weeks. I said, "That's fine but what did your dentist say?" |
| Police: Come out with your hands up! Police: Come out with your hands up! Me: I'm gay. Police: So brave... |
| I'm going to buy my Dungeon Master a goldfish So I can carp a DM |
| What would you find inside a billion year old ice planet on the other side of the universe? One of my wife's hairs |
| A horse in a bar A horse is standing at the bar when a man walks up to him. "Why the long face?" he asked jokingly. "I'm stage four terminal and my wife left me, taking everything with her." |
| What did Whitney Houston say when asked which parts of public buildings are generally the most affectionate? Hallways love yooooouuuuu. |
| I saw my girlfriend shoving a calculator up her vagina. I said, "What the fuck are you doing? You look like you're in agony." She said, "It's what's inside that counts." |
| Do you know today the world is celebrating "Safer Internet Day" If you're celebrating too, stay away from porn and other internet nasties :D |
| Why can't Chinese people see? Cause they must get 'A'! |
| What makes a chicken sneeze? Boog boog boog bogaaa |
| Good, bad, worse Good: I slept with my teacher after prom last night. Bad: I was home schooled. Worse: by my dad. |
| Metal fans don't rest in peace, they RUST in peace. |
| Why you shouldn't you buy Russian underpants ? Coz Cher-nob-il fallout ! |
| What would people from 1000 years ago say... If you told them in the future you'll be able to travel and communicate with people around the world near instantly. "You mean across?" |
| What's pink and covered in cobwebs? Maddie McCann's bike. |
| I tried selling drugs once. I tried selling drugs once. The guy asked me for some coke and I paniced and asked him if Pepsi was ok. |
| My Girlfriends asked me why the Body cells go through Meiosis and why her textbook sexualized them. I replied "Sex Cells." |
| What do you call the swine who like children? Pigofiles |
| What did Mexican Fozzie Bear say? "Oaxaca, oaxaca, oaxaca!" |
| Why shouldn't you write with a dull pencil? Because it's pointless. IT'S POINTLESS. |
| How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let?s go play on our bikes. |
| Why was the T-Rex angry? His arms were too short to sarcastically slow clap this terrible joke... |
| I like my women like I like my coffee... Ground up and in the cupboard. |
| As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect. |
| Presidential monster Remember guys, Steve Bannon is the President. Trump is the name of his monster. |
| If a Jew gets a new phone... Can they use their own number??? |
| I introduced my girlfriend to my family My wife did not like her. |
| How do you know that Frank was an honest person? Whenever anyone tells the truth, they are either Frank or doing it like Frank. |
| Childhood Nursery Rhyme Old Mother Hubbard, went to her cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone... But Rover took over, and he bent her over, and gave her a bone of his own |
| What public official is most prone to giving their stuff away? A sheriff. |
| big brother is watching you... and he is bored! |
| What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common? They both come with force touch |
| Which one is heavier? A tonne of rocks or a tonne of feathers? The answer? Its a tonne of feathers because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to all those poor birds... |
| Kid #1: I wish I had been born 1,000 years ago. Kid #2: Why is that? Kid #1: Just think of all the history that we wouldn't have to learn. |
| Why would New Zealand starting a war against Australia be historical? It would be the first time New Zealand declared anything against Australia. |
| My girlfriend just split up with me. She kept crying and saying that I spend too much time on the internet. Jokes on her, there are hundreds of hot singles in my area looking to hook up. |
| Have you seen any of Stevie Wonder's music videos? He hasn't. |
| Are you serious No, I'd have to change my name for that |
| An infectious disease walks into a bar. Barman says, ?we don't serve your type here?. Infectious disease replies, ?well, you are not a very good host.? |
| Getting married before the age of 25 Getting married before the age of 25 sounds a lot like leaving a party before 10 PM to me. |
| Kids on social media nowadays are so selfish. It's always meme meme meme. |
| What was the hardest question on Timmy's homework last night? 69d. |
| What brand of glasses do short-sighted dyslexic nymphomaniacs wear? FCUK |
| Why do people fall in love with pavements? Because they touch our soles. |
| Trump is just like the rest of us Melania puts his pants on one leg at a time |
| I think people are underestimating the effect of fruit on the human race. I mean come on, people all across the US are rioting because of a fucking orange. |
| With all the negativity in the world today... ...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive. |
| I was told it was racist to use "welsh" when someone won't pay a bet. They said to use "renege". So I called them a bunch of renegers instead. |
| (An original) I'll always get in a fight with someone with dwarfism.... We just don't see eye to eye. |
| A man has been admitted to hospital after shoving 6 toy horses up his arse. Doctors have described his condition as stable. |
| I just ate a frozen apple! Hardcore. |
| I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn?t seem to be gaining momentum |
| Scumbag Steve, when told the babe at the party had Herpes Zoster on her head, asked "Do the shingles match the carpet?" |
| What is the funniest bird alive? A Hahastrich! |
| What is Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination? HAND EYEEEEEEE |
| What do you call Batman running out of church? Christian Bale |
| How do u reanimate a corpse? Abra Cadavera! |
| How do Mexicans cut their pizza? "Little Cea-sars" |
| Trump really needs to do something about all these Canadians. Seriously, geese are the worst. |
| Why did the Sovereign Citizen cross the road? ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! AM I BEING DETAINED?! |
| Third times the charm... ...said god before he accidentally created down syndrome. |
| I like my women like I like my jeep Topless and easy to get into. |
| What will be the most profitable career in 2017? Mexican ladder salesman. |
| What's Scooby Doo's favorite chocolate? Fe rrer ruh-roh cher |
| So the horse walked into a bar ... and the bartender said, "Say fella, why the long face?" |
| A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printer was I replied: "Go use the one in the back you nigger" |
| How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just beat the shit outta the room for being black.. |
| When I see lovers' names carved into a tree I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date. |
| What word is used to describe a plant's range of emotions? Chlorofeels |
| How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change. |
| Why is it always a good idea to wear 'tall pants'? Because it's a practice of good high-jean! |
| How do you spell DEATH? A-va-da Ke-da-vra! |
| It's not okay to just punch a nazi in the face You're supposed to finish the job |
| What's a small black dot between two larger white ones? A flea with cotton wool in its ears. |
| What do crows drink in the morning? CAWWWWWW-FEE! |
| My Gf's ponytail always comes undone when we're together Oh well, I guess it just comes with the *hairritory*. |
| Just became a fan of Adele She had me at Hello |
| What do you get when rabbis eat too many carrots? Orange juice. |
| What do you call a dog with seven legs that can't walk right? Severalpawsy |
| What did Melania say to Donald right after sex? Honey, I'll be home in 30 minutes. |
| Four gay guys walk into a bar Bartender says,"Sorry, only one unoccupied stool at the moment." Gay guy says,"That's completely fine." Gay man proceeds to turn the stool upside down and each of them sits on a leg. |
| My wife recently won the Annual Women's Golf Meet in our district Needless to say, I have started calling her the "Intercourse Champion of the County " |
| How are OP's Mom and Velour alike? they both take several days to dry out |
| If you're feeling cold, go stand in the corner. It's 90 degrees there. |
| What do you call a horny midget? An extended version of The Hobbit. |
| Did you hear about the otter that begged a beaver to build him a dam? The beaver did not give a barrier that impounds water or underground streams |
| I love my doctor He told me I only had 3 months to live. I said "thanks for letting me know, doc; but I'm sorry, I don't know how I'll be able to pay you." So he got me six more months. |
| I'm completely OK with peeing in the shower.. It's only natural to have a little come out when you're having a poo. |
| Why didn't the oven get its TV show green lit? Because the pilot light was out. |
| A giant mushroom attempts to enter a bar... and is stopped by the bouncer. The bouncer says we'll have none of your sort in here tonight. The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi!" |
| Are you an ass man or a tits man? I ass myself that every day. Tits a bit hard to figure out. |
| What do you call a russian cow? Mos-cow |
| The mexican magician was at his gig... He said to the audience: "on the count of 3 i will disappear. Uno... Dos..." and he vanished without a Tres |
| My local ski resort was ripped off last week for around $900. The robber stole a burger, two beers, and some chips. |
| If Trump was a spy in the Vietnam War, what would his code name be? Agent Orange |
| I accidentally misidentified my friend's pet bird It was hawkward. |
| I would tell you all an anus joke.. Butt fuck it. |
| What do you call a smart blonde? A Golden Retriever. |
| Our anniversary is coming up, so my wife told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She will love this pack of playing cards. |
| Tom Brady has 6 of the most desired rings in the world 5 are from the Super Bowl |
| The problem with Donald Trump is... He never learned harass was one word. |
| Why don't kleptomaniacs get puns? They always take things literally. |
| I promised my mom I would never get raped I said I would always consent. She said no one would want to. |
| How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. Hi I'm Joe and I eat ass. |
| What was Hitler's philosophy on PR? Weimar your reputation when you know you're in the Reich! |
| What do you call a guy who urinates bug spray? Pissed OFF! |
| Super Bowl 51 will go down as the Gettysburg Address of the NFL Four score and 20 minutes to go..... |
| Why is Donald Trump like Jesus?? He'll never be as good as his Daddy. |
| My friend looked at my pregnant wife and said: "I wonder if it isn't really hot in there, for the baby" I replied: "It's likely womb-temperature." |
| How did Captain Hook die? He wiped with the wrong hand |
| What does 'mine shaft' mean to a German? His Penis |
| What is a frisky Optimus Prime called? An autothot. |
| If foreigners are upset to have had their visas cancelled... Why don't they just apply for MasterCards instead? |
| What is Trump's Cabinet called? The Insane Clown's Posse. |
| My girlfriend accused me of cheating I told her she sounded like my wife |
| What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wipe his butt. |
| What did the cannibal say when he ate a clown? "That tasted funny." |
| An inmate at my work threw his food down onto his tray. "Now I know why people turn gay in prison..." "...I'd rather lick another man's butthole than eat this crap." I died. |
| Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way. |
| Where do men go for vacation after their bar mitzvah? Jew-bouti |
| How many Call Of Duty players does it take to change a light bulb? Both of them. |
| Listen to this new joke.... 584753 |
| What do you call it when a song is cut off before it ends? ...a clefhanger. |
| Why does Paris have trees along Main Street? Because Germans like to walk in the shade. |
| Did you hear about the neutron that was arrested yesterday? He wasn't charged tho |
| Two sides of hummus decided to go out to eat Two sides of hummus decided to go out to eat. Once they finished eating, they said, "chickpeas!" |
| An internet meme caught his wife cheating in their bed. "And I say heeey heeey heeey heeey heeey!!!" |
| You wanna know how to say "Redonkulous" in Spanish? "Redicburro" |
| Trump just posted a picture of the protests in Romania.. .. as evidence he had the biggest inauguration crowd ever. |
| Why was the patient angry at the doctor who wanted his urine sample? He was taking the piss |
| Guy walks into a Mexican restaurant but he's not that hungry... And they serve free tortilla chips. He asks for one chip and they give it to him. He swipes his credit card, and nothing happens. The employee looks at him and says, "Dude... it's a chip." |
| What's the difference between my gf and Roald Dahl Roald Dahl has a Magic Finger |
| Captain hook can't kill 20 kindergarteners. But Sandy Hook can. |
| At what time do drug dealers wake up? At the crack of dawn! |
| My old girlfriend was bad at math That's Y she's my X. |
| What's a Trump supporter's favorite college? Electoral. |
| Why does Donald Trump like the NFL better than college football? Because it's Big League |
| My African-American friend hooked up with a girl from Thailand... It was a real black-Thai affair. |
| what does a hornet an rain gear have in common? Yellow jacket |
| Did you guys hear about the Bowling Green Massacre? On 9/3/16 they lost to The Ohio State 77-10 |
| What do you call a surrealist painter that converts to Islam? Muhammad Dali |
| Who are the fastest readers in the world? The people in the World Trade Center, those mother fuckers blew through 110 stories in 5 seconds. |
| Why did the chicken go to the library? To check out a book-book-book! |
| What do you call a stubborn donkey? A badass |
| What's the easiest class in a Catholic school? Religion. It has no facts to memorize |
| Today I change my major from law to liberal arts. Psych. |
| My girlfriend doesn't want me to come in her ear My girlfriend said not to cum in my ear because she will go deaf, but I told her that I cum in her mouth all the time and that doesn't get her to shut the fuck up. |
| Why don't sharks eat more than one dentist at a time? They're filling. |
| What's the difference between Extreme Vetting and Waterboarding? (Also seeking alternate punch lines) .... the need for rendition. |
| Brady once again charged with letting the air out of something. This time it was the Falcons defense |
| My wife is a teacher hoping for a snow day, and I told her to brace for Winter Storm Christopher. She said "They don't close schools in Michigan for 3 inches of white stuff" |
| Did you hear about the gangster who loved apples? He was a member of the honeycrips |
| [nsfw] Everybody thinks Tom Brady had the best comeback ever But Kim Kardashian is the cumback queen |
| Found this joke on a sticky note Person1: Hey person2 I need to get into your Reddit account, what's the username and password? Person2: Ok, the username is "suck my" Person1: Ok, and the password? Person2: Dick Person1: Passwords too short. |
| Climate change doesn't matter if you stay indoors. |
| My friend is upset because her boyfriend won't eat out anymore since they got a meal delivery service. She says she's going to try putting a blue apron sticker on her box and see what happens. |
| (NSFW) I'm a bit like Beer... I also come in pints. |
| The more medical students I met, the less I trust doctors. |
| How do young bees get to school? Why, the school buzz, of course! |
| Did you hear about the weird physicist? He's a lovely guy but he's got some strange quarks. |
| What word do you never want to call a Black Man that starts with N and ends with r Neighbor |
| What's the most common phrase uttered by a blond after sex? "Are you guys all on the same team?" |
| Why should doctors wear surgical masks when pulling the plug on Donald Trump? So no one can see their smiles. |
| Why can you make a comparison between the Patriots and Lara Croft? Because they both get TomBrady |
| I just read a post about Queen Elizabeth II, and something struck me as odd... After spending 65 years on the throne, I suppose she's the most constipated ruler ever. |
| Just when defeat seemed inevitable... when all hope was lost and my prayers seemed futile... THE PATRIOTS WON !!! Oh, and something about a big game yesterday? I don't watch football. |
| A kid says to his younger brother: "Look, i found a dildo underneath mom's pillow." The brother replies: "What's a pillow?" |
| How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? You nail a piece of toast to the wall |
| Tired of people complaining about Ukrainian body's of water that Russia is occupying Crimea river. |
| What did the leader of Russia say when someone knocked on the bathroom door? Leave me alone Im Putin |
| Why do we evacuate women before the men in an emergency? So we can assess the situation properly. |
| Someone was handing out certificates for a free Karate Lesson at the mall yesterday He told me I could only Taek Won Do |
| The Patriots are true gentlemen. They let the Falcons finish their game before they started theirs. |
| A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian "CAN I GET A BIG MAC FRIES AND A COKE?!!" The librarian says "excuse me miss.....this is a library." The blonde says...."oh im sorry (whispers) can i get a big mac fries and a coke?" |
| What's the difference between a pizza and an art degree? A pizza doesn't deliver an art degree |
| Finally took Revenge from my ex... She had it since last two weeks. Gotta return it back to the library. |
| You know there's an actual name for unexpected sex right? The Spanish Inquisition. Because no one sees it coming. |
| There are a lot of jokes in the world Most of them are people. |
| I don't drink anymore. I freeze it now and I eat it like a popsicle. |
| I couldn't sleep because woman was knocking on my door at 2 AM last night I tried to go back to sleep but eventually I had to let her out. |
| I am terrified of elevators, I'm gonna start taking steps to avoid them. |
| I believe as a society, it is our dictionaries that define us. |
| I had a confusing sex dream last night It was a real mindfuck |
| What's the difference between the church 1,000 years ago and the church today? A thousand years ago Father Roy didn't get arrested. |
| Want to know how I got back from the middle east? I Ran |
| I jokingly told my friend I was gay... He's been fucking me in the ass for 3 months now and hasn't figured out the truth yet. Haha, I can't wait to see the look on his face! |
| Roger Goodell must be drunk after last night from... all the boos from the Patriots' fans during the post game ceremonies. |
| President Trump can never finish a book He always gets stuck in chapter 11 |
| Where does Matthew Mcconaughey's Political Ideology come from? The Altright, Altright, Altright |
| Why won't Lion win Best Picture? Starving Indian children has always been a naan-issue. |
| and God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of world... ...then God made the Earth round..and he laughed and laughed. edit: I proof read this so may times... amd -> and |
| U should try the salmon in river styxs Its too die for |
| Why is Alabama the best place for sandwiches? Because of their experience working with inbreds. |
| The problem with Bill Clinton Is that he never learned harass was one word. |
| What do you call a substance that makes people attracted to both genders? A bi-product! |
| Australians don't have sex Australians mate |
| How do you choke a predatory bird? Give them a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl. |
| Where is the safest place to be on a capsizing ship? (Worst joke ever) The Galley! Everything but the kitchen sinks. ^(I warned you) |
| What did the father buffalo say to his son as he left for school? Bison. |
| Your breasts looked bigger on your profile... ...which means I won't feel so bad when you pull my pants down now. |
| Brokeback Mountain was such a nontraditional movie... ... it's the only one I've seen where the good guy gets it in the end. |
| What kind of food just puts you in a bad mood? Feel-awful |
| What is Mexico's National Animal? The drug mule. |
| What file format does Gordon Ramsay take photos in? FUCKING RAW! |
| I nearly talked my way out of a speeding fine earlier by telling this Police woman she looked bloody stunning Then I went and fucked it up by saying, 'And that's not the drink talking either' |
| Falcons CHOKE!!! |
| What is the recipe for success for ice cream men? Good Humor. |
| What's the correct way to pronounce nihilism? Doesn't matter. |
| You should always have a pet to make you feel safe... Just the other night my wife woke me tell me heard glass breaking and footsteps downstairs. She calmed down when I told it was probably just the fish. |
| Look at all those hot children in that schoolyard! It's 115∞F out you sick fucks |
| Whats the difference between my ex gf and my childhood imagination? Nothing, they both don't exist anymore. |
| If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, But if fife gives you melons... You probably have dyslexia |
| Single ones from Reddit: If you have to choose between your dream date and one last concert of Queen? How many hours you will arrive early? |
| What did the French call the Germans during WW1? Somme of bitches. |
| Q:Name of Melanias new book A:Mein Trump |
| I heard Kevin O'Leary was running in a leadership race I'm just not sure if it's in Canada or the US |
| They say good things come in threes... Try telling that to someone with Down Syndrome |
| How do you get a champagne cork back in the bottle? I don't know, ask a Falcons fan |
| What do you call an Invisible Zeppelin? A Hiddenburg. |
| my wife has sick tits she has breast cancer |
| [NSFW] Women have a new form a birth control She'll fuck a guy real hard and then about half-way through lay on her back and then take it up the ass. It's called *The Falcon Method*. |
| How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side |
| TIL in 1892 a man was investigated for never having taken a bowel movement in his life. They called him "No shit Sherlock" |
| What do you do behind your wife's back? Doggystyle |
| So a man in a wheelchair is having dinner at a restaurant. The waiter comes over and asks: "Would you like a glass of wine"? To this the man replies: "No thanks, I'm driving". |
| First Harrison Ford got cast as Han Solo... then he got cast as Han Solo. |
| All these Trump jokes... that he'll never understand. |
| Did you hear about the sex move called the Tom Brady? I'm not sure of the specific mechanics but, you cum from behind FTW! |
| A new study has revealed that diarrhea is actually based on heredity They found if runs in your jeans |
| I'm tired of people talking about how strong ants are. I can pick up a leaf too, who cares. |
| When I was young, I used to have an obsession with Posh Spice Which cost my mum a fortune in saffron |
| Did you hear about the charges being pressed on the mineral? It was assault. |
| They say history repeats itself... But I never expected it to repeat itself so soon, let alone at the superbowl! I haven't seen a lead blown so bad since Hillary's 2016 Campaign! |
| In honor of the Bowling Green Massacre, wear a green ribbon . . . . . . or, perhaps more appropriately, some color you made up in your head. |
| What are the most productive pants? Participants. |
| I went to an institute of botanical research the other day, but they only had one type of mushroom It was a shiitake |
| Eating clocks is not that difficult. It's just very time-consuming. |
| How Do You Cut Down A Tree? A sawwwwwwww Dude |
| Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it. |
| Everyone were dying, except joseph He kept stalin his death |
| How do you explain destiny to a child of divorced parents? Tell them their custody is in their hands. |
| Tom Brady now has a perfect track record. He's won 5/7 Superbowls he's been in. |
| What American State sells small pop cans? Mini-Soda (Minnesota) |
| Why did the penguin break up with the walrus? Because they were polar opposites. |
| Why did the people living next door to the tennis factory call the cops? Because they were making a racquet. |
| Why Poop is named Poop Because when you say it your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when you poop! |
| I just watched an Imam trying to perform a tracheotomy on a Labrador while free-falling at 10,000 feet... ... I'm not sure extreme vetting for Muslims is such a good idea. |
| A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printer was I replied, "Dude, it's 2017, you can use any printer you want." |
| Your Uncle Jack got stuck on a roof Would you help your Uncle Jack off? |
| It's no wonder falcons are an endangered species They've got an extreme choking problem. |
| Dinosaur Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? because they're dead! |
| What did Nancy Sinatra say about her actor friend Christopher's custom-made footwear? These boots are made for Walken. |
| Jack - Bro do you know newton's second law? Jhonny - I am a Science student bro! not a Law student. |
| I bought a copy of the Kama Sutra to spice things up in the bedroom with my girlfriend... ...unfortunately, it wouldn't fit inside her. |
| What did the penguin say when he walked into the bar ouch |
| What do you call an invisible black man? Incog-negro |
| A Scottish, fedora-wearing art professor complimented his Scandinavian student. "Nice skies, Finnish lass!" |
| Where do people who praise WiFi go? The promised LAN. |
| And God said unto John, "Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster. |
| How to tell an estate agent is lying? Their lips will be moving. |
| It's so unfair that people are still judged by the color of their skin. If you want a tattoo, you should be able to get a tattoo and not worry about what people think. |
| What do you call Santa without both his arms?... ***Can't Applause...*** |
| Whats green and smells of pork? Kermit's fingers |
| Did you hear that Donald Trump converted to Judaism? He heard that Vladimir Putin likes to drink vodka with orange jews. |
| I hear the capital of Sweden really sucks.... But no one can leave. |
| Yo mamma so stupid She tells her kids yo mamma jokes |
| Queen Elizabeth has been on the Throne for 65 years That's one hell of a dodgy curry. |
| Did you hear about the veterinarian who caught laryngitis? He is mostly just a hoarse doctor now. |
| My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of kill it. We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer. |
| What is a plane carrying yesterday's Superbowl officials called? Jet LI. |
| The Falcons Rise Up every year..... lose every year. |
| The Patriots are like a giant dick. Everyone that tries to take them on, ends up choking. |
| Reddit, I know the cure to cancer [removed] |
| Why did the Atlanta Falcons throw their 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl? They realized that if they won they'd have to visit President Trump in the Whitehouse. |
| Which vegetable is kind of rad? Radish |
| Today in class we were sayin synonoms.. And my friend said "Donald Trump and Idiot!". My teacher wrote it down |
| How much room is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible. |
| Did you hear Atlanta is getting a new mascot? Hillary Clinton |
| My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair... Deep down I knew she'd come crawling back to me. |
| Hey! What's up? A heartwarming animated film about a boy, an old man, and his dog who all fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house. |
| I just got over 15 Valentines cards! It left me breathless... The security guard at the Hallmark store gave quite a chase. |
| To be Frank... I'd have to change my name |
| I submitted my DNA for genetic testing and the lab wrote back that I'm related to Donald Trump! I guess that's what I get for using 24 and me . . . |
| Why is Donald Trump orange? Because he is ripe. |
| We used to live on a very busy main road. But after our 4th child got run over, we decided to move in to a house. |
| If pros and cons were opposites.... Then wouldn't Congress be the opposite of progress? |
| Why did Obama get two terms as President? Because every black man gets a longer sentence. |
| What's the difference between a ginger and a vegetable? One's brain dead and the other is good for you |
| I have 3 heads, 4 legs, 6 hands and 416 fingers, what am I? A liar. |
| This was the most Superbowlly Super Bowl ever *Super Bowl LI |
| What do hobbit homes with no entrances need? More doors. |
| "I prefer guys who make small dick jokes about themselves over those who make big dick jokes about themselves." "Well, I have a medium dick. It can talk to ghosts." |
| I like my bowels like I like my women... Loose. |
| In breaking news, Trump's personal library has burned down The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn't even finished coloring the second one |
| Who is your favorite rapper? Mine is Bill Cosby, WAIT no I meant favorite RAPER not rapper, my bad |
| Someone told me that I'm a narcissist today I told them its everyone else that has a problem |
| A chemist auditioned for the play He got a 82 role! |
| Looking at you is like looking at Chernobyl "Why, because I'm radiantly beautiful?" "No because you're a fucking disaster." |
| I bet all the Falcon's fans out there are feeling a bit... deflated. ^[hangs ^head ^in ^shame] |
| A mad scientist is showing off his newest invetion to his henchman "Behold! This wrist-mounted device shows me my exact location and speed within the fourth dimension!" "Looks kinda like a wristwatch to me Boss." |
| "Want to hear an unfunny joke?" "No" Too late. |
| Goku has a big chance to... Go coo at a bird. |
| What do you call a large dog that meditates? Aware wolf. |
| I had Patriots Sex this morning. That's where you cum from behind. |
| How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster? Terrier-fied! |
| You hear about that failed drug dealer? He couldn't cut it. |
| I was in a restaurant when... A man asked 'Who knows CPR?' And I said, 'I know all the letters of the alphabet!' And we all laughed, And laughed, And laughed, Except one guy |
| Why did Jeffrey Dahmer move to a larger apartment? He needed more leg room. |
| What isn't a better love story than Twilight? Donald and Ivanka. |
| What do you call a gay drive by? A fruit-rollup |
| We got 6 inches of snow last night and I'm the only one to show up to work today You'd think these pussies would like 6 inches |
| My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness. At least thats what the cat told me. |
| What did you call a Mexican snake? Hisssspanic |
| My dad doesnt trust anyone, in fact he has a saying about it But he wouldnt tell me Credits: Anthony Jeselnik |
| Two sewing machines were walking down the road... As they pass by each other one says to the other "Hey are you that Singer?". The other replies "Janome?". |
| What medical condition are elderly bats most afraid of? Incontinence. |
| What do you call a dancing Latina with a yeast infection? Macarena and cheese |
| What is the difference between a couch and a black person? Couch can support a family of five. |
| How do you make a pigeon explode? Convert it to islam |
| Apparently breastfeeding hurts Which is sucky. |
| Austin Powers: Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Austin Powers: Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass deceased, ham sandwich. Atlanta Falcons, deceased, choked on a 25 point lead. |
| " I pulled you over today because do you know how fast you were going today, sir?" "I definitely was not driving as fast as you, officer." |
| I went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar... But they only gave me 3 quarters. |
| Two Scientists Walk Into a Bar The first scientist says "I'll have some H2O" The second scientist then proceeds to grab a stool from the bar and throw it at his colleague, realising that the first scientist was trying to murder him. |
| If only Jason Pierre Paul played for the Patriots instead of the Giants... He would be the first NFL player to have a ring on every finger. |
| What is Mexico's National Animal? The drug mule. |
| Where did the king keep his armies? In his sleevies |
| What's the difference between a dirty bird and a dirty tub? A DIRTY TUB HAS A RING! |
| Two old prostitutes are sitting on a porch reminiscing about the good old days... One asks: "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other one replies: "No, but I've been swung by the tits a few times." |
| Someone running behind a car gets exhausted Someone running in front of a car gets tired |
| How do you wake Lady Gaga from a Nap? Poker Face |
| My son didn't take his kleptomania medication this morning. He took mine. |
| The Atlanta quarterback should become a baseball pitcher... He's great at throwing. |
| Want to hear a Super Bowl joke? The Atlanta Falcons. |
| I bought some shoes from a drug dealer I'm Ng sure what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day |
| Free hoover It's just collecting dust |
| Why is free Wi-Fi never seen in churches? Because no church wants to be challenged by an invisible power that actually works. |
| How could anybody be a masochist? Beats me... |
| I'm changing my name to Lead So I have a pretty good chance of someone blowing me |
| Marriage certificate. WIFE: "Honey, what are you doing?" HUSBAND: "I'm reading our marriage certificate" WIFE: "What for?" HUSBAND: "I'm looking for the expiry date..." |
| Girl wanted me to maker her scream with two fingers. So I poked her in both eyes. |
| Marriage counselor. A married couple come to the marriage counselor. The wife complains: "We were having a perfect marriage, until his girlfriend started dating my boyfriend..." |
| Wanna hear the best Irish joke ever? Dry weather. |
| Booze man Little Johny comes to his drunk uncle: -Uncle, you should stop drinking -Ahh Johny, I am too old to stop now. -But, Uncle, it is never too late to stop. -Then I have plenty of time before I stop, my dear Johny. |
| What do you call a cow with Parkinsons? Beef Jerky |
| Donald trump takes The New England Patriots out on his Yacht to celebrate their latest Super Bowl victory. The Yacht sinks and America is great again. |
| Anne has a will... Anne Hathaway |
| How do you crucify a spastic? On a swastika. |
| i've got a Liszt of great composer puns that's Haydn in my closet somewhere... i could look Bach there and read it to you, but i don't think you could Handel it. |
| What's the difference between dubstep and any other kind of electronic music? In the middle of a dubstep track, Optimus Prime takes a dump. |
| What did the Cardinal say when he saw the Pope had forgot to flush? Holy shit! |
| Two cholo bitches are arguing over who's nails are better, and shit is ABOUT TO GO DOWN. To prevent a fight, what kind of test can you administer in this situation to determine who's nails are actually the most fire? A "lit mas" test. |
| Since the term "Gay" refers to people who are homosexual I guess that makes them a HOMOsapien |
| Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny. |
| Boyfriend: "I bet you $100 you can't say something that makes me both happy and sad". Girlfriend: "of all your friends, you have the biggest dick". |
| I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age. |
| Welcome to Trump's America where the best black superbowl player is White. |
| The author of the book "Childish Retorts" died today. RIP Ewan Whosarmy |
| Difference between twins I've fucked a set of twins. People have asked me how hard it was to tell them apart, but it was actually quite easy. You see, Caroline was a redhead with an amazing pair of tits, And frank had a cock. |
| How do you make lady Gaga cry? Poker face |
| I accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it also cost me a fortune in stamps. |
| How do you circumcise a Trump supporter? Kick his secret gay lover in the jaw. |
| Are you sure you're the Falcons? And not the *Falcants?* |
| I was addicted to the hokey pokey... But I turned myself around. |
| Beer is like the sun Beer is like the Sun. It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist. |
| Why is spongebob great at high pressure situations? Because he can soak up the pressure. |
| What Is Undeniably The Most Hated Thing In The Community Garden? A Dick Tator |
| School is like my baby boy... It hasn't worked right since I dropped it. |
| The "American Dream" was discussed in class the other day... ... the professor turned to the German foreign exchange student and asked if they had anything like that in Germany to which he responded, "We did, but nobody liked it." |
| What's the point of Jewish football? Getting the quarter back. |
| Overtime is a curse word in retail.* *And the Atlanta Falcons. |
| The last time the Reds had a collapse this big West and East Berlin became united |
| I forgot how to throw a boomerang but then it came back to me. |
| The patriots may have won the super bowl... But the Falcons won the popular vote |
| Falcons return to Atlanta tomorrow Guess the walking dead will be back sooner than we thought |
| What did Andrew Johnson say when he was inaugurated into office after Walt Whitman wrote his poem? I'm the Captain Now |
| What kind of party did the Donners have? A meat and greet. |
| What's the difference between a rat and a prostitute? One's a cunning runt, the other is a running cunt. |
| I have a cold Its snot good. |
| I tried to send her nudes... ...But the file size was too big. |
| Who's a urologist's favorite jazz singer? Urethra Franklin! |
| Peter Dinklage should open a BBQ restaurant Called "Pig Me" |
| I haven't seen a lead blown this badly since Hilary's 2016 campaign. |
| What does Hillary and the falcons have in common? They both blew it in the last quarter. |
| Why was the ground all white after Custer's Last Stand? Because the Indians kept coming and coming and coming... **Courtesy of Stephen King's "The Stand" |
| What do the Falcons have in common with Democrats? They both won the popular vote but lost to Trump. |
| A man walks into a bar ...and says "ouch" Someone should move that. |
| A man drives over his wife who's fault is it? The mans, he shouldn't have been driving in the kitchen. |
| I need to pass my exams So I decided to join the Falcons. They pass even when they shouldn't. |
| I know why Matt Ryan still single He has a choking fetish |
| New Job Opening! Atlanta Falcons Defensive Coordinator No experience needed! |
| The Devil went down to Georgia . . . And obviously reneged on his deal with Falcons fans. |
| I think if I saw God strangle Satan right now... ...it would only be the second biggest choke I've seen tonight. |
| Who choked harder the Golden State Warriors or the Atlanta Falcons? Hillary Clinton |
| Dark humor is like food, not everybody gets it. |
| Abreva The official sponsor of the Lombardi Trophy procession... and all other major sports trophies. |
| The New England Patriots are perfect. Perfect 5/7. |
| Tom Brady and I have one thing in common, We are both now overqualified for our jobs. |
| The Mexican triathlon team is already being picked as the favorites for gold in the 2020 Olympics. All of their best runners and swimmers are soon returning home. |
| This day will go down in Falcons history..... The day the Falcons won the popular, but lost the electoral. |
| I got into a fight with my father when I told him Jim Morrison wasn't talented. He forced me to go to my room. I slammed my door behind me, and my dad said, "Don't you ever slam The Doors in my house again!" |
| What did the Falcons choke on after halftime? Deflated balls |
| Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did." Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer." |
| Why must you hurry when having sex with your fat fiancÈe on top? It's a pressing engagement. |
| Tom Brady needs to improve... He needs to touch-up on his touchdowns. |
| You know what Trump and the Patriots have in common? Everyone hates them both, but they both win! |
| Whats the best way to fuck up anything? Take it to Atlanta. |
| To save time we should shorten POTUS to POS |
| Super Bowl Guess the Falcons were seeing how far hard they could throw a game, not a football... |
| I haven't seen a team blow a win this bad... Since Hitler invaded Russia |
| The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly Sherman marched to the sea |
| Congratulations to Tom Brady, the first player to be undefeated over 5+ Super Bowls. He's won all 5/7. |
| Don't let this Superbowl distract you... from the fact that the Warriors blew a 3-1 lead. |
| Dady, what is in between mummy's legs? - A paradise. - And what's between your's? - The key. - So you should change the lock, because our neighbour has a passkey. |
| What did the Hacker say to his girlfriend? "I'm in." |
| My friend keeps saying "Cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck in an underground hole full of water" I know he means well... |
| My wife said that having sex on holiday was the best It certainly wasn't the best postcard I've ever received |
| A Irish man goes to the builders merchant He picks up a tin of paint and brings it over to the counter. The woman behind the till scans it though and said 'would you like a bag for that.' He says: 'ah no it's fine in the tin.' |
| Which came first? The chicken or the egg? Chicken, the egg just laid there and took it. |
| A sex toy salesman from the US takes a business trip to Canada The border agent asks "are you going to Canada for business or pleasure". The salesman responds with "I'm here for the business of pleasure". |
| The Patriots can still win... By Electoral College votes. |
| God is everywhere. That's why Morgan Freeman is in every seat of the plane. |
| I hope Tom and Gisele weren't planning on having more kids. He's already firing blanks. |
| I don't get football.... At the beginning of the game, they flip a quarter to see who kicks off first. Then the rest of the game everybody just keeps trying to "get the quarter back". I mean, it's just a quarter, what's the big deal!?! |
| I wonder why dogs get mad when you blow in their faces but as soon as you put them in a car they stick their head out the window. |
| What? s the difference between a pizza and a jew The pizza doesn¥t scream when you put it in the oven |
| The Patriots The pats shoulda subbed Bush in, he got more yards on that wheelchair than Blount did all game. #riseup |
| When you buy a bigger bed... You have more bed room but less bedroom |
| How many black people does it take to start a riot? Negative 1 |
| The Patriots are like the "German Engineering" of NFL teams But even the Germans make mistakes |
| My granddad always did say that we were too reliant on technology... I replied, "No, you are grandpa." As I unplugged his life support |
| 1000 degree fidget spinner vs my neck. The result kept my head rolling! |
| A cop threatened to detain me for impersonating a police officer Apparently, "you can't arrest me, I'm a police officer!" wasn't a very good answer. |
| I once dated a girl who had no pubic hair. She insists she didn't shave or wax and said she wouldn't even be able to afford the supplies on her allowance anyways. |
| What's the best kind of fisherman? A master baiter. Lel |
| People say Trump is like Hitler.. except he's not because Hitler actually had a good healthcare plan... |
| I am looking for a Bank which can perform two things.. give me a Loan and then leave me Alone. |
| Remember to always check you're grammar. I'm sorry. |
| If you listen in on a butt dial... Is it called tapping that ass? |
| Is it just me... or does Tom Brady look really deflated right now? |
| Never knock on Death's door... Ring the bell and run, he hates that. |
| What type of cameras do police officers in the USA like? Point and Shoot |
| I totally forgot the Super Bowl was tonight! Don't worry; so did the ~~Patriots~~ Falcons. EDIT: Well, this is awkward. |
| What's Tom Brady's favorite sexual activity? Deflatio |
| Today my brother and i tried some new water It wasn't bad just basic. |
| No one knows what Lady Gaga is going to do during the Super Bowl... Because you can't read her poker face. |
| I don't believe in conspiracy theories I think conspiracy theorists are secretly working together to brainwash us |
| Watching the super bowl and my wife asks me who I'm cheering for. Wife: "who are you cheering for?" Me: "the Falcons." Wife: "are those the red people?" Me: "they're called Native Americans now, you racist". |
| Mom am I handsome? Son:. Mom, am I handsome? Mother:. I don't know, ask your girlfriend. Son: But ,I don't have a girlfriend. Mother: Then you have your answer. |
| Life is like a box of chocolates.... Empty cause I am fat. |
| In what location are additional entry ways always in demand? Mordor |
| What is the largest super bowl of them all? Forty. |
| Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" He died shortly after. |
| What have an Ostrich, a Pelican, and the tax man got in common? They can all stick their bills up their arse. (Credit: Billy Connolly) |
| Why do some African-Americans have afros? Because it's in their hairitage |
| I've seen lots of things on the Super Bowl over the years, like boobs... But this year takes the cake with seeing two bushes. |
| My grandma just asked me, "Son, what's your retirement plan?" I said, "It's you." |
| Did you all hear about the sick Chemist? If they don't Helium or Curium soon they'll have to Barium |
| I don't like to blow my own trumpet. Which is probably why I got removed from the school orchestra. |
| I heard my friend making bird puns and thought... Toucan play at that game. |
| Did you hear about the Pepsi delivery drivers who were fired? They tested positive for coke. |
| What did the trilobite say to his girlfriend while they were eating? "Can I trilobite of your food?" P.S. - my eleven year old sister came up with this |
| I told myself I would stop drinking But I'm not about to listen to some retard who talks to himself. |
| I found a kind of totally tubular vegetable yesterday... It was a rad-ish |
| How to lose weight while still eating fast food? Buy food from England, you tend to lose a few pounds. |
| When A Teacher Asks You If You Did Your Homework Teacher: Did you do your homework? Student: Did you grade my test? Teacher:I have other students' tests to grade. Student: I have other teachers' homework to do. |
| Why was the Buddhist sad when he was asked to send his resume to the company as a word document via email? Attachment leads to suffering. |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the New York Times! |
| How do you make a magician cry? You make his family disappear. |
| A turtle is walking across the yard . . . Three snails come up and mug him. Later the cops are asking questions about the mugging: "Can you describe your attackers?" The turtle responds, "I don't know, it all happened so fast . . ." |
| How did the deaf teacher give his deaf students their homework? He assigned it |
| I have evidence that the mods on r/jokes are censoring posts they dont like! More info in post! [removed] |
| When robots transform, they turn into cars. But what do cars turn into? Laneways. |
| I wish i had 2 cars. One delorean and some other car. I would usually drive with the latter, and with delorean only from time to time. |
| You won't believe what this group of teenage girls did! JK, that was just clique-bait |
| They say 1 in 10 people live next to a child sex offender Fortunately for me, I live next to two sexy 13 year olds! |
| Do you know what pisses redditors off? [deleted] ... and reposts |
| Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny was arrested? It's ok; he wasn't charged. |
| I want to share everything with you. Man: I want to share everything with you. Woman: Let?s start from your bank account. |
| Eventually, all hipsters will age and end up needing canes to help them walk... ...ironically. |
| Man: I'll take a rum and coke Bartender: Is pepsi ok? Man: Yeah, that'll do. Bartender: *hands him coke and pepsi* |
| What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. DA DUM TSS. |
| A hat for kirk My mum wanted to knit a hat for Captain Kirk of the USS enterprise, but it is quite tricky for someone who has three ears! His left ear, his right ear and his final front-ear. |
| Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live" Patient: "What? 10 What? Years? Weeks?!!" Doctor: "Nine" |
| Arjun the Indian wife-beater punches his wife every night at 7 PM On the dot. |
| What's the most annoying thing about an aging hipster? He fucked your mom before it was popular. |
| Why do trans-people go invisible when they have kids? They become trans-parent. |
| What time is it when you have $1.25? A quarter past four. |
| Some people dont like meatloaf... But if you listen to his songs, 2 out of 3 aint bad. |
| What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message. |
| Never trust shrimp They're full of shit |
| How do you pick up an elephant with one hand? You can't. Elephants don't have hands. |
| The chicken was acquitted of murder... ... because there was no evidence of fowl-play. |
| Your family tree must be a cactus. Because everyone on it is a prick. |
| A wife asks her husband, "what would he do if she died"? Husband: "I would go insane!" Wife: "Would you remarry?" Husband: "I don't know. You can't predict what an insane person would do." |
| #3335 I first heard this one from my brother when I was twelve and it's been a favorite ever since! |
| Why will all of the referees check their voicemail immediately after the Super Bowl? So they can hear someone say "no missed calls" |
| A wise Chinese monk once said, "If the dog barks... it's not cooked well enough." |
| Say, have you heard the joke about the pizza without the sauce? Well, it goes like- Nevermind, it's too cheesy. |
| What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages? Trilingual. What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages? Bilingual. What do you call someone who speaks 1 language? French. |
| Why do men like bacon? Because they're pigs. |
| What happened to Cinderella after the ball? She choked. |
| What is Mexico's national sport? Cross country |
| Why was the Energizer Bunny sent to jail? Domestic battery |
| Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump. But its a silly comparison really, its like comparing apples to oranges. |
| Did you hear about the blonde who backed into an airplane propeller? Disaster. |
| What sound does a 747 make when it lands? Boeing! Boeing! Boeing! |
| As a Christian I can't Believe there are Billy Idol Cover Bands The Bible is very clear that we should not have False Idols |
| A blind man walks into a bar... and a table... and a chair. |
| What do you get when you take the i out of waiter? A ban from the restaurant |
| Think Recursion There are two kinds of people in the world, ones who divide the world into two kinds of people and ones who do not. |
| What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no ideer |
| Ever use an expensive toothbrush? It's breath-taking |
| The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense. |
| And God said to man, "I will put obediant women on all corners of the world," then laughed as he made the world a ball. |
| Help me To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I'm in public. Thanks. |
| Why does Trump keep marrying immigrants? Because no Americans were willing to take the job. |
| What do you call a Sasquatch in mud? Dirty Hairy |
| How will Tom Brady feel if the Patriots lose? Deflated. |
| A psychiatrists secretary walked into his study... And said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responded... "Tell him I can't see him." |
| Have a good day When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day. Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home. |
| How do you kill a clown? Stab it repeatedly |
| A Very Funny beautiful girl was a college student. Once Very Funny Girl comes late to class. Teacher: Why are you late? Very Funny Girl : One boy was following me, sir. Teacher: So, What? Very Funny Girl : That boy was walking very slow. |
| What do you can a pile of cats? A meowtian of pussy. |
| My wife complained that our sex life was boring I replied with "Well honey, if the same thing every three days works for r/jokes, it should be good enough for you." |
| What's brown and sticky? A brown stick **slaps knee** Wakka wakka wakka! |
| Guys... I don't think Trump is really our president... He might just be Putin us on! |
| My wife and I decided not to have children... The kids are taking it pretty hard. |
| A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre So the barman gives her one |
| I scared the postman today by showing up to the door completely naked i scared the postman today by showing up to the door completely naked. im not sure what scared him more, the fact that i was naked, or that i knew where he lived |
| To prevent date rape, there's a new drug for men called Niagra Viagra Rises, Niagra falls! |
| Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd. |
| A bear walks into a bar... ... goes up to the barman and says "I'd like a gin and tonic .............. and a packet of peanuts". The barman says "Sure, but why the big pause?". The bear holds up his hands and says, "These? Hey, I was born with them". |
| I'm curious what my vegetarian friend will bring to the superbowl party tonight. Hopefully it's an apology. |
| If I could travel back in time, I would go to the Inquisition. I heard the women had nice racks. |
| Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? Big fingers! |
| I don't watch the news anymore I just lie to my self and cut out the middle man. |
| I'm ordering a chicken and an egg from Amazon I'll let you know |
| Who do you call when a popcorn gets murdered? The pop coroner |
| Loving beer and wanting abs is hard So I had to cancel my gym membership due to conflict of interests |
| [NSFW] Yesterday i was caught masturbating in the shower Bet I never get allowed in to Auschwitz again. |
| Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again! |
| I saw two names carved in a tree... I do not think its cute. On the contrary, its alarming how many people take a knife on a date. |
| Did you hear about that new, bad pizza joint? Yay, they're getting critically panned by reviewers. |
| Conjunctivitis.com That?s a site for sore eyes - Tim Vine, 2012 |
| Which college football team keeps people awake at night? The long horns |
| What kind of processors do slow PCs use? Potato Chips! |
| Did you know Matthew McConaughey is left handed? Just kidding, he's alright alright alright. |
| Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses the finest ingredients. |
| Russian dictators are the best. They?re the crËme de la Kremlin! |
| Hothead Pat, upset by how the Super Bowl is going, starts destroying things. Police get on the megaphone trying to evacuate the area: "Go, Pat riots!" |
| What is a snowflake's school grade based on? Class precipitation. |
| What kind of dessert makes women gain the most weight? Wedding Cake. |
| I just completed a puzzle in 6 months despite it saying 4 - 6 years on the box. |
| What did the zeros say after the election? He will not divide us |
| "A boy jumped through the window". What is the subject? English literature |
| What's the best part of a lobster pizza? The **crust**acean. |
| I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..." Then I said, "turn Left". |
| Start typing on a laptop im not used to 4vjenp/ptth |
| Words of wisdom I'd rather kill myself than to commit suicide. |
| I didn't know the Disneyland had moved to the white house ... Apparently the president is Donald and the vice is Mickey. |
| At what time was Justin Trudeau eaten by a monster? Ate P.M. |
| We need to stop animal testing our products "But shampoo and makeup companies do it" "We make dildos" |
| What do you call it when you are studying bacteria and someone steals your sample? Cultural appropriation. |
| Scientific opinions differ... on whether climate change deniers have dog or rat shit for brains. |
| While I was on the bus, the person standing next to me played the national anthem While I was sitting on the bus, the person standing next to me played the national anthem, I stood up and he took my seat. |
| the flat earth society ... ... has members all around the globe |
| I've tried to stop swearing but i cunt. |
| What do you call it when a girl wants sex and lies about being on her period Getting caught red handed |
| US Representatives are like the dislike button on Youtube comments They are supposed to be there to represent your dissent and anger, but never actually do. |
| I was sitting in a diner waiting order, when I hear, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said, "I know the entire alphabet!" We all laughed and laughed...except one guy. |
| You know the old saying "Liquor before beer, in the clear; beer before liquor never sicker" As it turns out liquor before liquor before liquor is worse |
| Why are Samoan's offended by the Samoa Girl Scout Cookie? I mean it's not like white people care about crackers being called crackers. |
| I love to watch my guests throw up. So I always put the dartboard on the ceiling. |
| Superbowl That's it, that is the joke. |
| Did you hear the joke about Oxygen and Potassium? It was OK |
| I love cats They taste ***just*** like chicken! |
| What does the oxygen say to the magma? I LAVA you |
| What do you get if you cross an insomniac with an atheist and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a file after death. |
| My boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people. |
| Grammar Nazis no longer exist Their called the Alt-Write now |
| If humans were potatoes what would Donald Trump be called? A dick tater |
| Donald Trump might be the greatest salesman of all time. He sold bullshit to over 60 million people... and they bought it. |
| What does the word "gay" mean? Asked a boy to his father, to which he replied, "It means happy, son". "Are you happy the Dad?" Asked the boy "No son, I have a wife" |
| I love the way the world rotates It really makes my day. |
| My wife must have shit herself when i was born! Because she was only twelve days old |
| How many Aggies does it take to build a bonfire? It's like dividing by zero. It can't be done |
| An old couple is sitting in church The wife turns to the husband and says, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do." "Put new batteries in your hearing aids." |
| *A man is trying to prove his innocence in court* Defendant: "Please your honour, I don't have a single bad bone in my body" Prosecutor: "Well according to your medical exam it appears you have osteoporosis" Judge: "Guilty" |
| A man wakes up in hospital and exclaims, "Doctor! I... I can't feel my legs"! Doctor: "Right, that's because we had to amputate your arms". |
| My wife said that I don't listen... ...or it was something like that. |
| Why did the console gamer die in the art gallary? There was too many frames. |
| So i was at this bar And the bar tender yelled "Does anyone know CPR!?" I yelled back "Yeah I do, and I know the rest of the alphabet too!" Everybody in the bar laughed....Except one guy. |
| As a black man why don't I like cops? Beats me |
| Did you hear about the foreskin that accidentally walked into the Shul? [removed] |
| I wish I got laid as much... ... as I get screwed |
| What did the General say to the Sultan when they lost the battle? "Sir, we're Otto-men!" |
| How do you know if you have one of the rare $1million pennies in circulation? You don't. |
| I started teaching Maths to midgets in my area. I'm making little things count. |
| Three words to ruin a man's ego...? Is it in? |
| I have just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way. |
| Why can't noses be 12 unches long? Because then it'd be a foot! |
| My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess. So I gave her to a gorilla for him to throw barrels at me. |
| If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... I'd have enough money to buy the rights for this joke. |
| It's Albert Einstein, not mine Few things are Infinite, The Universe, Human stupidity and the amount of times you have to tell your Mother you can't pause an online Game. |
| What does a man with no balls and a small penis have in common with a joke with a good punchline... They both make you laugh and you don't see them coming. |
| It takes many nails to build a crib... But only one to fill it |
| What do you call a gay couple in their 80? Slo-mo sexuals. |
| One day, Canada will take over the world. Then we'll all be sorry. |
| What is Donald Trump's most anticipated movie of the year? The Great Wall. |
| My dad has suggested that I register to be an organ donor.... I guess he is a man after my own heart. |
| I got arrested for killing a black man. They charged me with impersonating a police officer. |
| What is Justin Timberlake's Favorite vacation spot in the Ukraine? Crimea River |
| Britain is the best place for foodies. You loose pounds everytime you eat |
| I sat next to a smoking-hot thai woman on an aeroplane once... I thought to myself.... *"please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...."* And then she did. |
| Girl, you're just like breathing... All I ever think about |
| What do fish like to smoke? Seaweed |
| Two fish are swimming Two fish are swimming, One hits a wall and says dam. |
| My ex-girlfriend still loves it when I eat her out of house and home. Is this the usual breakup routine? |
| What's Trump's favorite math operation? Division. |
| Why is Donald Trump single? Because he doesn't want to be with some Juan. |
| Talk is cheap. But AM radio still can't turn a profit. |
| I saw two kids fighting on the play ground. As the only adult there I had to step in. They never had a chance. |
| What did Barrack say when he was all alone? [1/2 OC] Here I am Obama self... Like a crab in Michelle. |
| What did the young casserole say to his mother when she called him down for dinner? "I can't Ma, I'm stroganoff!" |
| Are you a dime? Because no one fucking wants you. |
| What do you call a fashionable Russian? Spetsnazzy. |
| Nerdy pickup line Hey baby, are you a compressed file format, because rar. ^^^^^now ^^^^^where ^^^^^did ^^^^^I ^^^^^put ^^^^^the ^^^^^bleach... |
| Three words I can't stand *three words, I can't stand |
| Girlfriend: Would you dump me for someone more like a trophy wife? Me: Honey, I already have someone like that! Girlfriend: Aww, you're too sweet! Me: Yeah, you should meet her! |
| How do you get a condom on an elephant? Take the 'Y' out of 'easy' and the 'F' out of 'Way' .... |
| If a feminist makes herself a sandwich.. Is she oppressing herself? Bring it on. |
| 'Waiter,' said the customer, 'there's a hair in this honey.' 'Ah', replied the waiter, 'it must be from the comb.' |
| Ever since I've installed Adblocker... for some reason all the local singles lost interest in me. |
| Ever wonder why Jewish girls are so hot? its because the nazis put them in ovens. |
| What's it called when an entire store is sick? A staph (staff) infection. |
| Z used to be at the front of the alphabet But as we all know, a threw z. |
| Boss: Take this broom and go sweep the hallways! Employee: But I'm a college graduate! Boss: Great! Then I should only have to explain this just once. |
| I know that the placebos is supposed to help with testing pills and medicines if they actually work... But who's smart-ass idea was it to try it with Birth Control!?!? |
| 4 years old: what do you call a cow that does not moo? 5 years old: it is called no moo cow. |
| New Yorkers; don't go on flight 225B tomorrow *sent from a Galaxy Note 7* |
| "Hello, is this the anonymous FBI tip line?" "Yes, Dave." |
| They say that the best thing to do is something that excites you and scares you at the same time. Time to go fuck a blender. |
| What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she's holding a hand grenade. |
| What do you call a skinny tree? The Real Slim Shady |
| What does the NFL, NBA, and the Catholic Church have in common? They all have a cult following |
| A guy walked up to me and said... "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!" and I said "Relax man, you're two tents!" |
| After my wife gave birth I asked my doctor when we could have sex He told me as soon as he'd washed his hands |
| You should be as excited about church as about the Superbowl. So when your pastor makes a point this Sunday, dump gatorade all over his head. |
| Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Because they are dead. |
| I can never calculate the derivative of a curve. Every time I try, I go off on a tangent. |
| What do you call a dildo you can smoke weed out of? A bong dong. |
| Difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana Tiger Woods has a better driver |
| What has Donald Trump in common with Pink Floyd? The Wall. |
| Two surfer dudes are sitting in church One turns to the other and says, "DUDE! Did you know God has a name?" "Dude, NO WAY!!!" "Yahweh!" |
| I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression.. Being sad since I was born. |
| What is brown and sticky? Shit |
| The only difference between my dick and a tiny action figure Is that my dick comes without any warning. |
| I have a feeling Gordon Ramsay likes to wear condoms when he has sex Because he doesn't like it raw. |
| Ellen should give away more stuff Then rename her show Ellen the Generous. |
| Donald, Melania, and Ivanka are at the game They show up on the kiss cam, so Donald and Ivanka kiss |
| What do you get if your pour hot water down a rabbit hole? Hot-Cross bunnies! =? |
| My wife was writing a VD poem My wife was diligently writing something this morning. I asked her what she was writing? She relied that she was composing my Valentines Day poem. I was kinda chocked up then, she asked, "What rhymes with SCUM-BAG?" |
| Me: Hey dad, tell me a joke! Dad: Pussy. Me: I don't get it. Dad: I know. |
| Shakira Law What's the difference between Trump and "Shakira Law?" Hips don't lie. |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_13.txt |
|---|
| @@ -0,0 +1,659 @@ |
|---|
| What did the Princess do when she got to the ball? *Makes choking noise* |
| What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain. |
| Why did the dumb cat slip and fall from the roof? Because º = 0 |
| How do you think the unthinkable? With an ithburg. |
| A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. When the bartender points it out, the pirate replies "Arrrgh, it's been driving me nuts all day." |
| Guess who retweeted me? Your mom. |
| My mom made chicken soup with rice in it... I told her, "I don't want chicken soup with Ricin!" |
| My friend says he has the body of a Greek god... I had to explain to him that Buddha wasn't Greek. |
| OMG!! I used to be SOOOOOOO popular with the local ladies!!! THen I got ad-blocker |
| How do you get kicked out of the Boy-scouts? Eating a brownie. |
| Bill Gates Went To A Restaurant And Paid A $2 Tip, The Waiter Remarked: "Your son gave $100, but you're only giving $2?" Bill Gates: "He's the son of a billionaire, I'm the son of a farmer." |
| What do they call a dildo in Ireland? A Shamcock! |
| I named my new art Peach It looks pretty, but is completely useless. |
| I became a proud dad today. My son is four, but he acted like a whiny bitch for the first three years. |
| Did you hear about the play with all the frogs? It was ribbitting. |
| What Gun Company Was Created By Cats Mauser. I'm sorry |
| I asked my friend why his bike was so fast He said it was made in Kenya I'm sorry I know this makes no sense whatsoever just click the downvote and be done with it |
| My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection... You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills. |
| I didn't get the question on the exam wrong... I just put down an alternative answer. |
| I wrote several books about poltergeists. They're flying off the shelves. |
| What rhymes with orange. No it doesn't. |
| Nobody believes that I can name the Canadian Prime Minister. It's Trudeau. |
| My friend gave me his epi-pen as he was dying But I can't get it to sign my name to save my life either |
| What's an engineer's best form of birth control? His personality. |
| What's the difference between Taylor Swift and a stale Pepsi? The stale Pepsi won't write a song about me after I dump it. |
| Alzheimer's isn't bad at all You get to meet new people every day! :D |
| I made a political joke up just now... Given the current temperature of the political climate.... Do you think we can all finally agree on climate change? |
| What is Michael Jackson's favorite musical key? F minor. |
| If I had a dollar... for everyone who thought I was unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. |
| My brother just messaged me "I love my girlfriend <3". I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous. |
| What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce? Chicken Caesar salad! |
| Why do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry. |
| I've already got a car, but I want to have a DeLorean as well. I would drive my first car every day, but only drive the DeLorean from time to time. |
| Did you hear about the deaf women getting run over by a train? Neither did she |
| I noticed my waitress had a black eye So I ordered very slowly because obviously she doesn't listen |
| My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad I had to take his bike away |
| The chance an American will be killed by a foreign-born refugee is 1 in 3.64 billion. Trump supporter : So you're telling me there is still a chance! |
| I asked my dentist if I can have some of his laughing gas. He said: "sure, knock yourself out." |
| What's brown and has four wheels? A turd. I was just shitting you about the wheels. |
| I am all for animal testing. As long as they are animal products. I don't want my dogs raincoat to be fitted for a human. |
| We need to revolt against the... outlets. They have all the power! |
| How does Link from Legend of Zelda always die? Heart complications. |
| Hey girl, do you live in a corn field? Because I'm stalking you. |
| So my friends younger brother tells me... Him: Do you know what a gun that would shoot pubes sound like? Me: wtf pubes?... I don't know... Him: Pew... Pew Pew Kids these days. |
| My English teacher said that nothing rhymes with orange. There was a young man who had nothing, Until one day he happened upon an orange. That rhymes? |
| I Like My Women Like My fish Battered |
| My Mom made chicken soup with celery, chicken, carrots, and rice in it. I told her, "I don't want soup with Ricin!" |
| Yo momma so basic... ...she got a pH of 15. |
| Dreamed I died in an orange sea Was just a FANTA sea |
| I would like to be poor one day. Because being poor everyday it's hard... |
| Redditors are like pornstars... They're better when they're not old, but not too young. |
| Switzerland is a great country, with amazing views and nice people And their flag is also great, which is a huge plus. |
| "I will argue with you about anything. Anything at all." "No you won't." "Yeah I will" |
| What do you pay a British saxophonist? A tenner. |
| What do hillbillies and yeast have in common? They're both in bred |
| And the bartender said... "We don't serve time travellers". A time traveller walked into the bar. Saw this in a comment can't find it now, thought I share here. |
| What's the difference between China and Oceania? One spies on its citizens, uses torture, spreads false propaganda, and won't stop fighting with its neighbors. The other is something Orwell put in a book |
| A crossfitter, a vegan, and a trump supporter walk into a bar I only know because they told everyone who was there. |
| We should switch to the hexadecimal number system already. And I have a good reasons why. |
| Why are there no teams named after a dog in the NFL? They would get beaten by Michael Vick |
| Knock knock jokes. Don't upvote, I just need a good punchline quick. Please help. |
| How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? **One** Germans are efficient & have no humor. |
| What do you call an honest capitalist? A small time robber |
| I feel like a man trapped in a horse's body. It sucks being a centaur. |
| I saw two women in a passionate conversation. "How on earth did *he* get between *them*?" I overheard one of them say. I said, "I guess the 't' and 'm' made room." |
| Did you know that the mascot of scientology is a horse? Because it's a colt. |
| Waldo is being interviewed by the press at the Super Bowl. Waldo, how much did you pay for your ticket? Did you get a good seat? Where will you be sitting to watch the game? "I'm just here so I won't get found." |
| British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children Fair enough, use an ashtray. |
| Yo moms pussy is so bushy It did 9/11 |
| My friend gave me his Epi-Pen while he was dying. I guess he just really wanted me to have it as a last wish... |
| How do you get down from an elephant? ... You don't. You get down from a goose! |
| What did the mathematician say when she squared i? Shit just got real. |
| My doctor used two fingers during my prostate exam... He said he needed a second opinion. |
| My sexually ambiguous child just handed me some money. It was a trans-action. |
| Kim Jong Un is like a Penis shaped potato. He's a little Dick-Tater. |
| Isis bumper sticker I'd rather be heading. |
| I'd love to watch 48 Hours But it would be Monday by the time it's finished and ain't nobody got time for that. |
| What do apes call sunbathing? Orangutanning. |
| I went for a job interview today... "Describe yourself in one word." "Indecisive, maybe. I'm not sure." |
| Hey I just met you, And this is crazy, I have Alzheimer's, Hey I just met you. |
| I got into a car accident just now. My wife and children are dead and I'm not doing too well myself. Luckily, it only hurts when I laugh. HahaHahaahahahaha. Hahahahahaha. Hahahahahahaha. |
| Mother: Son, your teacher told me you've been swearing in school Boy: Mom, do you believe everything that fucking bitch says? |
| Hillary Clinton is starting her own Television show. It was going to be called The Biggest Loser but that was taken so she is going with The Biggest Liar. |
| When I was in college, my roommates would have sex with anything that moved. I never felt the need to limit myself that much. |
| What is it called what a man goes down on a woman in a bar? A pub.lic display of affection |
| What do you call a deer with no eyes? No ideer What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no ideer |
| How do you become a millionaire with horses? You start as a billionaire. |
| I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "get off me you two!" |
| Did you hear about the guy who made an outfit out of super glue? It was hard to pull off. |
| How do you keep an idiot worried for a day? I'll tell you first thing tomorrow |
| What do you call a carabao who can climb a tree? Awesome!!! |
| This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder. |
| Death and My Dad I want to die peacefully and in my sleep like my father did, not screaming in terror like his passengers. |
| I want to die peacefully in sleep, just like my father. Not screaming in horror like passengers in his bus. |
| Donald Trump Worst joke I ever told. |
| My mother was in a car crash but luckily she was okay... WAS okay, she's dead now. |
| How do you find Ronald McDonald at a nude beach? He's got sesame seed buns |
| A man had his credit card stolen... However, he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. |
| Don't you hate it when you think of something funny to post and... you forget to reddit down. |
| What do you call a rain of strategy games? A Tropico storm |
| I asked my girlfriend if we could have sex tonight. She said she wants to remain a virgin until her wedding night...butt fuck it. |
| People take so much for granted. Like punchlines. |
| Why Do Lesbians Like Cats So Much? Because a dog is a man's best friend. |
| How many planets are there? Guy: How many planets are there? Girl: 8 Guy: Wrong, 7 after I destroy uranus |
| What did the clock do after night left him? He was in mourning. |
| Violence is the only option. Unless a mosquito lands on your dick, then it's a hostage situation. |
| What does a good carpenter and a 20 years old girl have in common? No wood gets wasted |
| I write my mistresses' phone numbers on the rear view mirror. I know my wife would never think to look there. |
| My Ex Girlfriend was getting beaten up at a bus stop by 5 guys, so as a human being I had to step in and help.... She didn't stand a chance against the 6 of us |
| Why do the newly rich like to buy Rolex watches? To know when it is time for a new wife. |
| If I had a dollar... For every time I disappointed my family, I would have enough to make them proud. |
| What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm in your apple. |
| People here take so much for granted. If you took away someone's car, house and clothes, They'd have nothing. But if you did the same to someone from one of the poorest countries, they'd probably still have aids. |
| Mr. President, two brazillian soldiers died in our military strike in Yemen. "Oh my god... Do we have to file for bankruptcy already?" |
| I let a pasta chef borrow my car He returned it all denty. |
| Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them. |
| What's the best thing about dating a feminist? When you go out for dinner you only have to pay for your half! |
| Jesus may have been offended Elderly couple in church during Easter mass. Wife turns to husband and says, "I have just done a silent fart, what should I do?" Husband says, "put new batteries in your hearing aid!" |
| Anal with my girlfriend makes my whole day But it makes her hole weak |
| Time Machine **What do we want?** *Time machine!* **When do we want it?** *Doesn't matter!* |
| I'm working on my second Billion dollars. My first billion didn't work out so I've moved on to my second. |
| I attempted suicide today Won't ever do that again, I almost killed myself |
| How many contractors does it take to screw in a light blub? None, it's a union job. |
| If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined. |
| Did you know Obama was from Hawaii Kenya believe it? |
| I took my Indian friend to a Persian restaurant He said the pita was second to naan. |
| I come off confident and cocky cause i call my dick life. But really its cause life is short. |
| By accident, I wore my son's shirt to work today. It was a bit tight under the arms. Guess I should have taken his arms out of it before I put it on. |
| How did the deaf man get his hearing back? His wife slapped a fifth sense into him. |
| What kind of bee gives you immortality? A Zom-bee!!! |
| What do you call a Muslim entering America? Same as every other person, a tourist |
| So a bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here!" A time traveler walks into a bar. |
| An eagerly-awaited cook book "Cooking with Herbs" finally released! It's about thyme. |
| What's it called when you mix champagne with orange juice at breakfast? Alcoholism |
| Did you see the new "American Tail" movie with Donald Trump in it? Fievel goes back to Russia. |
| On a scale of 0 to 1, I think I'm two funny!... Well maybe, on a scale of 0 to 1, I'm nought funny. |
| Fell asleep at a house party last night and someone put a teabag in my mouth, I went fucking mental... No one treats me like a mug |
| I heard Beyonce is having twins... !RemindMe 18 years |
| A jew, christian, and muslim all walk into a bar... the muslim explodes |
| What do Donald Trump's toupee and a thong have in common They both barely cover an asshole. |
| So my drug dealer sold me a pair of shoes. I don't know what he laced them with, but I'm tripping. |
| An F5 tornado went through Arkansas last week... It did $150 million worth of improvements. |
| They say sex doesn't count until you're two inches in So I'll be a virgin forever |
| Genetic engineering now allows parents to select the eye color of their children. More great work from the University of Josef Mengele. |
| USSR- United States Snowflakes & Retards. |
| How do you create a hipster? Give a homeless guy an iPhone. |
| Teacher: If you have 52 watermelons in one hand, and 43 apples in the other, you give 7 fruits to your friend, what do you have? Student: A friend |
| A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer ...than the men who mention it. |
| A pirate goes to a doctor... A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them. "It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!" |
| Two cannibals are eating Carlos Mencia. One of them turns to the other and says, "Hey, didn't we see this joke yesterday?" |
| My wife treats me like God, she ignores me until she wants something |
| How does a Trump supporter fit 50,000 books in their living room? In the fireplace. |
| I know that Jesus was black Because he was carpenter yet you never heard about him building anything |
| Why do so many blues musicians come from Korea? Theres a lot of Seoul |
| What did the oceans say to eachother? Nothing, they just waved. |
| How does a chemistry teacher pick up girls? "Hey baby, wanna head back to my place and form a covalent bond?" |
| How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two One to screw in the lightbulb and 1 to hold the Cock Edit: Father Edit2: Ladder |
| What's the difference between and out law and an in law? Outlaws are wanted. |
| Why can't t-rex clap their hands? Because they're all dead. |
| An introvert walks into a bar... Then immediately walks out because fuck that shit. |
| Hooters Hooters is known for two things......boobs |
| Hey buddy do you want to see the game this Sunday? *Puts on 1997 movie "The Game" by David Fincher* |
| When in doubt ... Wife : I doubt my husband has been cheating on me.... I have doubt on one woman we both know.... What to do? Shrink: Take your husband to that woman's doorstep and see if his wi-fi connects automatically. |
| Bowling Green Massacre jokes are in bad taste Show some respect for the victims! |
| Apple has now turned to medical accessories!! their first product is the Ipatch! |
| What's the difference between Donald Trump and a baby polar bear? It will be a year before the baby polar bear kills its first seal. |
| I have a girlfriend but.... "But what?" "She's in another nation" "Which one?" "Imagination" |
| What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke. |
| What kind of pants does a scientist wear? A pair of genes. |
| Why can't you wear 'Y' fronts in Russia? Because Chernobyl fall out. |
| What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold your nuts this is no ordinary blowjob! |
| Yes, I?ve lost to my computer at chess... But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing. |
| Why do people never eat clocks? Because it?s really time consuming. |
| My son got hold of my autobiography and threw the pages all around the house. I really need to sort my life out. |
| If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles... This way, my friends will find me faster. |
| In Trumps America he's not Aladdin He's Aladout |
| Job interview in a psychiatry... So you?re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people? I?ve been on Facebook for 5 years now. Very good, the job is yours. |
| What perches on your computer and says "Pieces of seven, pieces of seven"? A parity error |
| My friends asked me to impersonate a lion. It was a roaring success. |
| I've spilt paint. It's a dyer situation. |
| The neighbours kept me up last night because they were having sex into the early hours of the morning. I would have asked my wife to knock on their door, but she was out playing tennis with her friends. |
| I was gunna write the great American nursing home romance novel... ....but the title "50 Shades of Grey" was already taken. |
| What?s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One?s a Goodyear. The other?s a great year. |
| Porn is so unrealistic Just took a shower with my girlfriend..... And stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos. |
| What?s the difference between anal and oral sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak. |
| Hillary Clinton is getting her own video game. Left 4 Dead: Benghazi |
| Why do vegetarians give good head? Because they?re used to eating nuts. |
| My roommate claims I'm schizophrenic. We'll show him. |
| How many millennials does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it's already lit, fam. |
| Why does the National Football League deserve Tax-Exempt Status even though it generated at least $9 billion in revenue last season? Because it is just as real as the other religions. |
| The most attractive part of Amy Schumer is.... Her Gravitational pull. |
| If you're a guy applying for a porn agency... Do you send headshots or headshots? |
| I painted my computer black to make it run faster... but it just stopped working |
| When i was 5 i thought the rain was god peeing How silly childish ideas can be...thinking god exists |
| How does a bass player pick up girls? He says "Hi I'm a guitarist" |
| Jose Cuervo is about to come out with a new Diet Tequila.... After the 2nd shot, every girl in the bar will look like they've lost 20 lbs. |
| Why was Six afraid of Seven Because Seven was a registered Six offender. |
| "Do one thing everyday that scares you." -Eleanor Roosevelt Today, I will fuck a cactus. |
| Throwing acid is wrong.. .. in some people's eyes. |
| How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They just beat the room for being black. |
| "How long do I have to live?" "I am afraid you have a terminal illness, you only have 10 to live," said the doctor. "10 what, days, weeks, months?" "Nine" |
| What would happen if Hungary invaded and conquered Turkey? A new kingdom would be formed known as full. |
| I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!! ?Wow, your dad?s a millionaire?? ?No, but he always wanted to be.? |
| two mice chewing on a filmrole..one of them goes.." i think the book was better".. two mice chewing on a filmrole..one of them goes.." i think the book was better".. |
| Beyonce has more black people inside her than. Donald trumps cabinet. |
| they say we learn from our mistakes thats why i am making as many as possible soon i will be a genius.. they say we learn from our mistakes thats why i am making as many as possible soon i will be a genius.. |
| What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing |
| I wanted to start a business selling premium dildos, but I think I can't compete with Apple selling overpriced stuff for assholes. |
| Yo momma so stupid... ... She didn't realize this was a repost! |
| Wanna hear a joke about sodium? Na |
| Wife : I'm leaving you! Wife : I'm leaving you Me : Why?! Wife : You lie to me constantly! Me : Ha! You don't just leave the man who invented the spatula, Amber! |
| What should you do if your xbox 360 gets the red ring of death? Buy a PS3 |
| Why do the T-Rex often have trouble high-fiving? Because they're dead. |
| After my girlfriend got pregnant, After my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed. My address, my job, my phone number... |
| What language does furniture speak? Forniture Polish. |
| Past, Present and Future all walk into the bar at the same time... ... it was **tense** |
| A guy was standing on a roof of a Hotel and threatened to Jump! I Yelled "Do A Flip" I am now Fired from the Suicide Watch... |
| Have you heard about the terrorists from Hoth? They call themselves Ice-IS! |
| bathroom joke How long a minutes is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. |
| Why was the hay upset? Because the straw was about to bale |
| This is the 21st century. Where deleting history is more important than creating history. |
| I asked my dad yesterday if he knew how to ruin a good joke.... He fainted. |
| At work tonight a woman stopped me and asked "Bathroom?" I replied, "No, my name is Chase, but you can piss on my face if you'd like." |
| Never ask the Secretary of State for directions. All he'll tell you to do is trun right and trun left. ( a∞ \ñ a∞) |
| My dad was trembling when I told him my brother and I had gotten jobs as valets. I guess he really didn't like the idea of having parking sons. |
| A Woody Joke What wood happen if you had a Wooden Car With Wooden Seats Wooden Tires And A Wooden Engine? It Wooden't Start |
| A bowlegged doe comes walking out of the woods... And says ?that?s the last time I do that for ten bucks? |
| What do you have when you have two little green balls in the palm of your hand?? Kermit?s undivided attention! |
| What's the diffrence between a hormone and an enzym? I can make an enzym, but I can't make a hormone |
| Not sure who this "OP" person is, but it seems like every guy on reddit has slept with his mom. |
| Did you hear about the man with no arms and no legs? The doctor said he would be arsing around for the rest of his life |
| What is the worst possible slogan for someone running for president in Germany? Make Germany great again |
| "Dad, what made you fall ill in Hawaii?" "Poi, son." |
| Measuring device. The device used to measure people's gullibility is called a Gullibilometer. |
| I spent last night defrosting the fridge Or "foreplay" as she used to call it |
| What do Canadians listen to when they go clubbing? Seal |
| There was a question on my math test that asked whether the slope of a line was positive or negative... I said yes |
| Yo mamas so fat It takes her 2 trips to haul ass! |
| /r/Jokes is like America. Nothing Pro-Trump will get a popular vote. |
| I'm here to kiss ass and chew bubblegum. And I'm all out- wait, shit. |
| What do you experience when you meditate inside a Turkish prison? The deep state. |
| What kind of swimsuit do you wear to the zoo? Zuchini |
| It's so easy to understand people who work at the US mint They make a lot of cents. |
| I felt a little behind in Middle School It was a major bummer when the cops found out :( |
| People say I don't have friends. They're wrong. I have 10 seasons on DVD. |
| What does a car do when a ram is running towards it? Dodge. |
| Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger kill insects? Because he's an ex-terminator |
| My friend just said this... "I know I've reached my ultimate form when all I do is hit dabs in my bathroom and watch Naruto." |
| Mooncakes put the fat Into gong hei fat choy |
| Back in 2013, BeyoncÈ did an amazing 'Lights Out' performance. So did the stadium. |
| Why is breakfast a prisoners favorite meal? Because he is a cereal killer. |
| Everything is so political nowadays I turned on nickelodeon to see Bob the builder building a wall so Dora couldn't explore. |
| "I don't need both, but I want both" That's what he said. |
| What the difference between carbon and my ex? She could form more than 4 bonds at the same time. |
| A female chicken wearing a tie is known to do some weird shit with tentacles. Hentai. |
| People keep telling me I don't have friends. That's not true, I have all 10 seasons on DVD. |
| When Donald Trump has sex, his female partner is always on top. Because he can only fuck up. |
| How did the dwarf reach the cookies on top of the fridge? He Imp-provised. |
| A Buddhist walks into an ice cream shop and says make me one with everything. |
| My dishwasher stopped working today Ironically, my dishwasher got the dishwasher in the divorce |
| I was gonna make an anal joke ..Butt fuck it |
| Muslims say islam is the religion of peace Everyone else says they forgot the S. |
| Utz and Disney are teaming up to make a new snack food. They're called "Dis-Nutz". |
| A police officer called his station back on Radio. He was at a murder scene where an old woman shot her husband for stepping on just mopped floor. Dispatch: So was an Arrest made ? Officer: Not yet. Dispatch: ? Officer: The floor is still wet. |
| What time does Sean Connery like to play racquet sports? Ten-ish |
| She's a beautiful girl, inside and out... I know, because I've been inside her |
| What's the most popular kind of music in the Czech Republic? Prague Rock |
| A deaf man to a man on street : are you deaf? Man on the street : no, I'm deaf! First man: oh! I thought you are deaf. |
| This Native American guy claimed I was insensitive to his culture, saying I've never walked a mile in their shoes. I asked What are you going to do? Sioux me? |
| Caught My wife walked in on me having sex with our daughter. I don't know what she was more upset about. The fact that I was having sex with our daughter or that the abortion clinic let me keep her... |
| What's Trump's favorite molecular bond? Van der Waals |
| Friend told me that I was already the Michael Jordan of my sport I play baseball. |
| Chuck Norris walks into a bar Edit: a bar walks into Chuck Norris |
| Why don't blondes get sick very often? Viruses and bacteria also have their pride! |
| Where does The Fonz like to eat? Chic-Fil-Ayyy! |
| I went to a Charlie Chaplin look alike contest, the guy who won was some German chap, the judges gave him perfect neins |
| Q: What's the funniest thing to ever come out of Sarah Silverman's mouth? **A:** Jimmy Kimmel's dick. |
| Why was the kid swinging? Peer pressure. His friends started to do drugs last month. |
| What do you call a Northern Iraqi with a yeast infection? A cheese Kurd. |
| My wife asked me... "Why do you always rest your hands on top of my head when I go down on you?" I told her- "Because if I didn't, I'd probably end up applauding." |
| I painted my laptop black... I painted my laptop black in the hopes that it would run faster... Now it doesn't work. :( |
| why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he was feeling crumby. jokie |
| What does a pregnancy and alcoholism have in common? They can both be ended with a twelve step program |
| You know what really blew people's minds in the '90s? Kurt Cobain's suicide. Blew his too. |
| My mom found out I am gay and that she doesn't want me going down a dark road So I told her I was going to start dating black guys from now on. (Actual true story) |
| If you're a polyglot, you speak 4+ languages, if you're trilingual you speak three languages, and if you're bilingual you speak two languages. What are you if you speak one language? American |
| Trump is eco-friendly He'll build his wall out of the (99%) recycled material on /r/Jokes |
| What do you call someone who has had no friends for 5 years? A Sandy Hook survivor. |
| Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer one turns to the other and says "does this person taste funny to you?", the other responds "I though this was pork!" |
| Why are married women heavier than single women? A wedding ring has mass. |
| Have you read the book "The Yellow River"? It's the greatest. |
| Why can't Jesus play rugby? He won't support the hooker |
| Have you ever wondered why they have a women's studies major in colleges but no men's studies major? Well actually they do, it's called World History. |
| 3 logicians walk into a bar the bartender asks "is everyone having a beer?" the first logician says "I dont know" the second logician says "I dont know" the third logician says "yes" |
| Trump passes a travel ban for all his supporters. They are not allowed to leave the county. |
| What event will Mexico win in the next summer Olympics? Hurdles, high jump and pole vault. |
| Asked my dad what LGBT stands for He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously I had to reply with "Garnish". [True story. My dad is not an idiot either, totally normal human.] |
| Why do people dress up for their flights? Ain't no one got time to dress you before your burial if the plane is falling. **If hell exists, I just bought 1st front row business class ticket there** |
| Rockets? Maybe. But the Chinese haven't contributed to aviation. After all, two Wongs don't make a Wright. |
| If Al Gore had his own drumming software company he should name it... AlGoreRythyms |
| When I go out with a girl I always look in her eyes If she is not blind, I already know that I have no chance with her. |
| Did you hear about the robbery at the bakery? The guy ab*scone*ded after the crime. I'll see myself out... |
| Scientists have discovered a new gay dinasaour... The Megasoreass |
| My friend was reading an anti-gravity book... He couldn't put it down. |
| Why does Jeffrey Dahmer have a blender on his front porch? So when he gets visitors, he can greet them with a hand shake! |
| I watched a porno movie last night... It was pretty good but the plot had a lot of holes. |
| I hit the gym today. Broke my hand on the entrance doors. |
| What is a mountain sized bird made of? Well, part cliff, partridge. |
| You can predict the punchline If you're a fortune teller... |
| TIFU by gatecrashing an amputee conference... It was just a bit of 'armless fun. |
| I?ve never been married, but I can imagine how it feels... I once had a stone stuck in my shoe for 10 hours. |
| Dunno why people like to associate Comcast with the Nazis It's not like they're the fascist out there. |
| You remind me of a door Because you're a-door-able :} |
| I tried coming up with a joke about mean people. But they were all just average |
| Enough about my weight!!! ?I?ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I?m leaving you!? ?But honey, what about our child?? ?What child?!? ?Oh, so you?re not pregnant?? |
| Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns? Son: Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns? Mother: Because there?s a wedding going on. Son: But isn?t the horn a warning signal, Mommy? Mother: Exactly, son. |
| I call my ex-girlfriend Titanic Jack Because she's as cold as ice |
| what did the pencil sharpener say to the broken pencil.. that he should stop acting so littlepointed.. |
| Yo Mama's like Wal-Mart. Errybody's been to her grand opening! |
| I never understood why everyone hates mean people. I just think their average. |
| What do you call it when you commit suicide on Hanukkah A Jewicide |
| An old woman lies dead on the side of the road... and she has semen in her eyes. The policeman looked at her and said 'Looks like she saw her killer coming.' (Not sure if this one was posted before, I saw it on another site and couldn't see it here) |
| ballons ballons are like souls,they wanna go up but they can't and when you pop them,they scream...sorry |
| Did you know that if you spell... Window backwards is window. It's not, but for a second you believed me. |
| I once tried greeting everyone I met by saying "titanic"... Turns out it wasn't a very good ice breaker |
| Rape is not funny Unless you are raping a clown |
| My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code. To me, "life" just became a series of dots and dashes. |
| What did the Jamaican say after winning the barefoot marathon? "Da trill of victory always betta dan de agony of de feet!" |
| It's not that hard to tell an alligator and a crocodile apart.. One will see you later and the other will see you in a while |
| Fire is hot And ISIS cold |
| What do you eat when you go hiking? Trail mix |
| What does an Arab guy say when he's happy? - Yemen! What does an Arab guy say when something upsets him? - Oman... |
| I remember tears in my eyes when dad chopped onions. Onions was a great dog. |
| Someone asked me to validate their parking So I said, "You did a very good job. I am very proud of you." ^^I'm ^^sorry. ^^I ^^actually ^^said ^^that ^^to ^^someone ^^at ^^work ^^today. |
| Today I went to my meeting of the Premature Ejaculation group Turns out it is tomorrow. |
| What do you call a bird that punches people? Steven Seagull |
| I went to an international "Flat Earther" convention the other day Turns out they have members all around the world |
| My friend Gary doesn't know why Richard isn't interested in his donkey... He really wants to get Dick into his ass. |
| What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles |
| Why are people so outraged and grossed out by incest? I think they should get some perspective. There are much worse things happening in the world and, really, it's all relative. |
| What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll. |
| A bartender walks into a stable The horse says "Why the wrong place?" |
| My wife asked me, "Why don't you ever come to yoga class with me??"... "That's kind of a stretch for me" |
| I understand why bakers are addicted to baking bread. Sometimes they just knead it. |
| I've got Yellow Fever.. Don't hit on me just because I'm Asian |
| My wife bought a new dress and asked me if it made her look fat I said, "Of course not, honey. It's not the dress. It's your lack of discipline and self-control." |
| I accidentally ate some food coloring the other day... The doctor said that I'm fine, but I still feel like a little bit of me dyed that day. |
| Do you know what my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket? How far do you think I can kick this bucket? |
| TIL how not to install a fence Ooops... wrong place for this post |
| What is a feminists favorite operating system? eunuch |
| How do you get payed for doing nothing all day? Become an FBI agent! |
| I wouldn't piss on Donald Trump if he were on fire. But for $100,000 a few Russian hookers will. |
| What is the difference between a refrigerator and a child? It isn't a crime to stick your meat in a refrigerator. |
| Why doesn't Trump have a pet dog at the White House? He only pets pussy. |
| My wife is like the biggest fish I ever caught. Just keeps getting bigger and bigger. |
| My son asked me if I like his hand after he taped a bunch of coins to it I said I like the change. |
| How do you make one million dollars in a month? Start with five million and become a day trader. |
| How are cars, computer parts, and animals similar? Dodge Ram, RAM, and the ram. |
| I Added Paul Walker on Xbox Live We never really get around to playing games though, he's always just stuck on the dashboard. |
| I stopped a rape from happening today! All I had to do was stop chasing her. |
| Lost 130lbs & gained a new life. Soon I'll be rolling in pussy! Girlfriend is gone now, but she left her pregnant cat behind on the bed. |
| I heard Audi botched their new commercial I guess they can say Audi-ous to their customers. |
| Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people. Kinda like yo momma. |
| What was Donald Trumps first comment after moving into the Oval Office? "Hey fellas, it's so nice of you to leave some condoms for me in the desk drawer, but their diameter is about 3X too large!" |
| What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles in your pants. |
| Life as a redditor I saw a pretty girl. Finally I plucked up the courage, and asked for her number. She said "got a pen?" I said yes. She said "well get back in it you fat fucking pig". |
| What is red and smells like blue paint Red paint |
| Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey... "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "No I didn't, I said she was fucking Goofy." |
| I don't get why everyone is so worried about Trump. He hasn't even been in office for a month. I'm sure once he has some time to learn and get things done, America will turn out all white. |
| Just heard Michael Vick retired... Doesn't surprise me. He was an old dog anyways. |
| An antidepressant a day Keeps me from blowing my head away |
| I keep telling my female friend that my dick is great... She just needs to be in a position to appreciate it |
| Why is Charles Umar Terrence-Elliott Able to get so many dates? People always think he's cute, initially. |
| [nsfw] What did Trump feel when he heard about the civilian casualties in Yemen? Beluga caviar popping against the roof of his mouth. |
| Whats something that's hard and long and full of seamen? A submarine of course! |
| Are people with aspergers really not able to detect sarcasm? Sorry to break it to you, but I think you have aspergers. |
| "Dad, I'm a lesbian" "That's okay", says her dad "We still have your sister." "Sorry dad", says his second daughter "I'm lesbian, too" Their father sighs: "So nobody here digs men?" "I still do!" calls his son. |
| What did Shakespeare say on the last day if his summer vacation? Once more unto the beach |
| Just heard there's a cure for dyslexia It was like music to my arse |
| Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a few seconds one whispers to the other That?s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site. |
| There's something sinister about the woman who stands next to me at the male sex doll factory She gives me the willies |
| The MOMA announced that they were opening a new section in the museum for art from Madrid. Nobody expected the Spanish exhibition. |
| What do you call a guy with no limbs in a pile of leaves? Russell |
| A New Patent A company has just requested a patent for a laser that prohibits name brand sunglasses: A Ray-Ban ban ray, if you will. |
| I was so poor growing up If I didn't wake up with an erection I had nothing to play with |
| Two silk worms Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. |
| If I had a dollar every time a baby boomer insulted me... I could afford a house in the economy they ruined |
| Alaskan Eye Doctor I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island... but it turned out to be an optical aleutian. |
| Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a younger looking girl "Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing bangin' that chick. She looks like she's in highschool" Sherlock replied, "Elementary, my dear Watson" |
| Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his front porch? To greet people with a handshake. |
| Three blondes were driving to Disneyland... Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. When they were close to the destination they saw a sign: ?Disneyland Left?. They stopped, started to cry and finally turned around and drove back home. |
| What camps are designed for people with ADHD? Concentration camps. |
| I once dated a girl named Plosion but then we broke up I guess you could say she is an exPlosion |
| Two bears are eating a cannibal. Two bears are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and asks: "Since we are eating a cannibal, are we eating more than one person?" The Other responds: "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING BEAR!" |
| Democratic Party [removed] |
| Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? a sheep can hear a zipper from 100 meters away |
| Why can't milk cartons wear flip flops? Because they lactose |
| What's brown, lonely and sits on a piano bench? Beethoven's last movement. |
| What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh |
| What's the difference between calling out to your hispanic friend vs calling out to your Ex? You shout "Jorge!" when calling to your friend. You shout "Hey Whore!" when calling to your ex. |
| What do you call a black man whos an astronaut? An astronaut, you fucking racist... |
| All sex offenders follow the golden rule... You touch you take. |
| There's 4 things I hate in this world. Racism, niggers, and people who can't count. |
| They say that if you are good and righteous you will ascend into heaven... Otherwise you will split apart into small groups. |
| Adolf Hitler has never touched Call of Duty... ...and yet, he still has a better KDR than me. |
| Where do you find firehoes? In the alley behind the firehouse. |
| I hate when people ask me if I'm hard at work... Every time I am, I get written up by the HR lady. |
| What do you get when you cross semen and cum? SPum |
| I'm not really a religious person, but I do like to keep my weed in a hollowed-out Bible... I guess you could call me an eighth-theist. |
| Why is it so hard to find a priest in Amsterdam? They're all high priests. |
| Someone made Bob Ross mad *artistic screeching* |
| I got fired for sticking my penis in the meat grinder... that punishment was nothing compared to the one I got when I told my wife that the meat grinder's name is Jenny. |
| I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea He said he cant complain. |
| How do you make a black person nervous? Take him with you to an auction. A joke a classmate told me. Simon, if you read this: enough credits? :P |
| What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey! |
| What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese |
| Im graduating for my biology study in a few weeks.. Im writing a killer fotosynthesis |
| Scientists have discovered a rare mutation that causes autosomal dominant inheritance of violent diarrhea In hindsight we should've known something like that would run in the genes. |
| I had to perform surgery on a lamb's brain yesterday. Just call me a gyro surgeon. |
| What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeÒo business |
| Why did the pianist go to jail? Because he would only play with A Minor |
| One shudders to think how much worse the Bowling Green Massacre would have been... ... If it weren't for the heroic intervention by Frederick Douglass. |
| "Aren't you really busy tomorrow?" "Woah buddy don't assume my agenda" |
| Why did Donald Trump fail his college math class? He was uncomfortable with the concept of integration. |
| What time do you go to the dentist? Tooth hurty |
| How do you make a pound of fat look sexy? Put a nipple on it. |
| If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive They would eventually find me attractive. |
| When my grandma died, I got her most prized vagina fart in a bottle. She bequeefed it to me. |
| Why are hippy drum circles like high frequency radiation? They both cause the formation of free radicals. |
| What is a pirates favorite toy? Aaaarrhh Sea Boats! |
| So a guy asked me if I ever dropped my phone in a beer before... I said "yeah, once in a Blue Moon". |
| What is the sexual orientation of a bodybuilder? Bicepsual |
| I want to get back into my house but I can't, There's a door in the way |
| My girlfriend broke up with me for listening to Linkin Park But in the end it doesn't even matter. |
| What do you call a schizophrenic fruit? Pearanoid. |
| A girl goes to the doctor... Putting his stethoscope to the young woman's chest, the doctor said, "Big breaths, dear." She smiled. "Yup. And I'm not even thixteen yet!" |
| I won't be getting another iphone because of the horrible shellback. *spellcheck! Not shellback! Ducking phone... |
| Why would Groot make a terrible spy? Because he's an obvious plant. |
| Trump's Inauguration Speech Was Uploaded onto Pornhub "Rich White Man Fucks Entire Country" |
| A few weeks in they're already talking about impeachment... What an un-presidented turn of events. |
| A man brings his cat.... A man brings his cat to a veterinarian. He lives the cat there and returns in two days, as preagreed. He asks the veterinarian: Is my cat still alive? Still not... |
| What is the worst part about time travelling jokes? Yours considered a Repost when they take it and go back and use it before you. |
| They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away... But my aim is terrible so... |
| Wanna hear a racist joke? Nevermind. None of the white people would understand it. |
| I like my women how I like my pickles. Sweet and petite ( a∞ \ñ a∞) |
| A Donkey Fell Into A Bowl Of Sugar What a sweet ass |
| If your mommy ... would sit between America and Mexico Trump doesnt need to build a wall. |
| One day, Pavlov is drinking in a bar. Then a man enters the bar and rings the bell on top of the door. Pavlov says "Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog" |
| What do you call a gay version of Donald Trump? Flaming Hot Cheeto! |
| Why was Biggie mad at 2Pac? It all started when 2pac innocently said, "Yeah, sure, it's cool, invite all the rappers to my party, no biggie." |
| People all over the country are dropping dead due to high blood sugar... I guess they're suffering from a serious case of Die-betes |
| Hungry Clock When a clock eats, does it go back four seconds? |
| I have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. In my case, it is a sexually transmitted disease. |
| I saw thor reading a thor comic... to be honest, I think it might be a metathor. |
| What are the worst kind of jokes? Unfunny jokes |
| A Knock Knock Joke *Knock knock* Who's there? Erma. Erma who? Ermagerd, stop with all that knocking!!! .... so I was very tired. At least my fiancÈ laughed. |
| Why are Jews so good at racing? Because they used to step on the gas. |
| You know what's really odd? Numbers not divisible by two. |
| I love hockey. It's really an ice game. |
| Where did the geologist husband and mineralogist wife buy their first home? In agated community. |
| Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer One turns to the other and asks, "does this taste funny to you?" The other responds, "no." |
| My refuel warning is always on, even after I've just filled up! I think I'm being gaslighted. |
| Why did the rooster cross the road His wife left him |
| People say that Steve Jobs died to soon. But I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company?s attitude to battery life |
| What is the most valuable kind of sheep? A ewe. |
| Why was the sun annoyed to be called a she? Cause it's a non-binary star |
| When you say the word poop, your mouth does the same motion as your butt hole. Same can be said for the phrase "explosive diarrhea". |
| What's the worst type of suicide ? The failed one. |
| In Soviet Russia, Muslims ban America!! |
| -when I donate blood I don't have to do it my self, the nurse does it.. -yes but this is a sperm bank and it's different -awful service |
| What's better than 69? 77 because you get ate more. -Redd Foxx |
| What did the snail say when it rode a turtle? "WEEEEEEEEEEEE" |
| What do plants use to fill holes in walls, Chloroplast-er |
| Who wins an argument? The side with the most points. |
| What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? The drummer. |
| Hitler seems to get a lot of hate these days, but to the man's credit.. he *did* kill Hitler. |
| What do women who just got dumped and advanced programmers have in common? They both want closure! |
| If Melania divorces Donald Trump Then an immigrant will get half of the US in the divorce settlement :) |
| I'm never sure if it's a Dad joke Are those the ones that hit you later when you're doing something else? Or the ones you don't get till the weekend? :( |
| What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a folk guitarist? A rock guitarist can play all night without tuning and folk guitarist can tune all night without playing. |
| I'm worried about my friend. He was bragging about getting a handjob from his teacher. I said, "That's disgusting, you're homeschooled." |
| I gave a girl my phone number and told her to text me when she got home. I guess shes homeless. |
| Invisible... A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him." |
| Two kids were talking... Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night! Kid 1: Lies! Kid 2: Ask your sister. Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister! Kid 2: You will in about nine months! Edit: Thanks for the support guys! |
| Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood. |
| What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe? Mi to sis |
| When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck... Damn dial-up! |
| Told my wife I was going to give her something for Valentines I've never given her before She said "An orgasm?" |
| What did the DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat? |
| "May I sleep with your sister?" is such an awkward question to ask. I have no idea how my dad is going to respond. |
| How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs? He will build alternative fact-tories |
| Why do women wear make-up and perfume? Because they're ugly...and they smell bad. |
| My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself. |
| Why did Uber CEO Travis Kalanick quit the Trump advisory council? He couldn't get a ride... |
| Knock, knock. -Who's there? -The doctor! -Doctor who? -Yes, that's me! |
| I read an article that said it's good for your eyesight to look at something distant occasionally during computer use. So I put a picture of my dad next to the monitor. |
| What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they're both stuck up cunts. |
| A feminist asked me how I view lesbians... ... apparently in HD wasn't the correct answer. |
| Had a great time protesting at UC Berkeley! It was a riot! |
| Why are married women heavier than single women? When single women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in the fridge, and head for bed. When married women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in bed, and head for the fridge. |
| Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults. Every kid gets atrophy. |
| Tried going to the obesity clinic before work today. But the queue was enormous. |
| When I first met my son I thought he was a whiny little baby. But he grew on me. |
| The husband asks the wife... The husband asks the wife: -Babe which do you like the best, strawberry or banana? The wife asks him: -Why are you at the Supermarket? The husband replys: No I'm at the pharmacy... |
| So I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the women officer she looked stunning.. Then I fucked up by telling her "and that's not even the drinks talking". |
| Oh Darling... Oh darling, since you?ve started dieting, you?ve become such a passionate kisser& What do you mean, passionate? I?m looking for food remains! |
| I just ended a 5 year relationship today. It's okay. It wasn't my relationship. |
| My roommate was a monster He said he hated me with every inch of his soul. He would take ants and put them on my face and clothes. I did nothing whatsoever at him. I've since left that room, but I wished he didn't antagonize me that much. |
| I couldn't be happier! For the first time in my life a girl told me she loves me. Aren't moms great? |
| Why are malay people so thin? Because they muslim. |
| What turns a fruit into a vegetable? Aids. |
| What's "meme" in French? Moimoi. |
| I need help I have a problem of creating topics just for the sake of delivering some lame ass punchline or a pun even if the topic itself is moot, and I need professional help with that. It just happens like one-two and that's that. |
| It confuses me why people feel comfortable with government surveillance as ?they have nothing to hide, so nothing to fear?.... &.but get really scared when I ask them to take their clothes off. |
| I'm so embarrassed, I got caught getting a blow job by my mum last week.. The worst thing is it was my dad who caught us |
| Paddy and Mick walk past a police station.... Paddy and Mick walk past a police station, with a sign up saying "Two Brazilian men wanted for rape". Paddy turns to Mick and says "Ah Jaysus, dem fuckers always get the best jobs." |
| I like my women like I like my coffee... Hot and all over my lap while I'm driving. |
| Aladdin sings to Jasmine "I can show you the woorld.. Except the United States" |
| What's a young dog's favourite type of pizza? pupperoni |
| I like my jokes how I like my laundry Dry. |
| Vegetable rationing Some supermarkets are rationing lettuce, I think this is just the tip of the iceberg... |
| After many years of philosophizing, I have decided to affirm the principle of non-contradiction... ...And deny it. |
| How is the bar at the ghost wedding set up? Boo's on the left, Spirit's on the right |
| What does Scrabble and a circle jerk have in common? It's a great way for a family to come together. |
| My friend just got an Amazon Echo. I said, "Alexa, hi, how are y--" She said, "I have a boyfriend." |
| wanna read a dirty joke... ;) a white horse ran through a muddy puddle |
| Turns out I'm allergic to alcohol ...It's the damnedest thing. After 12 or 13 beers, I throw up! |
| What currency do they use in outer space? Starbucks. |
| Ghost walks into a bar Bartender says sorry we don't serve spirits here. |
| Preston: Knock Knock! Mom: Who's There Preston: Preston. Mom: Preston who? Preston let out a disheartening sigh as he walked away from the door, knowing his mother's Alzheimer's was getting worse. |
| I can say I'm one of those prodigy geniuses who just don't have any enthusiasm. All I need now is to be a genius. |
| Not quite what she was expecting... Guy: I work with animals every day! Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own- Guy: I'm a butcher. |
| What Do You Call a Twitchy Boat at the Bottom of the Sea? A nervous wreck. |
| What's the difference between the show Jackass and CNN news? Suits |
| Recently I visited my daughter. When I asked her newspaper, she said: Dad, this is the 21st century, take my IPad. What can I say ... this fly did not know what killed her. |
| A joke for Donald Trump - what do you get when you cross Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles? Killed in a tunnel |
| Why do tampons have strings attached to them? So the crabs can go bungee jumping. |
| What do you call the winner of the beauty pageant for teenagers who've had an abortion? Little miss conception |
| What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his exams? "Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything!" |
| I know of a guy who fucked millions of people at a time It was a whole nation he did this to. His name is Donald Trump. |
| I learned out that my wife loves cocktails I told her that it's growing your pubes in one direction and no one does that |
| What's the difference..... Between and suicide vest and a modern feminist? At least the vest achieves something when it's triggered. |
| What's the first amendment in Super Mario's constitution? Freedom of Peach |
| Groundhog Day is a classic. It sure has great replay value. |
| A man walks in to a hospital And says to the doctor "I have five penises". The doctor asked him how his pants fitted. "Like a glove" he replied. |
| I may look like a joke to you.... ...but I'm completely dad inside |
| If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow |
| I don't see anything wrong with the KKK It's just the precursor to 4K TV |
| Why did the cartographer get kicked out of map making club He had a bad latitude |
| My friend liked puns too much. We called him a Pundit. |
| So a Nazi officer just lost his eyesight. I guess he can Nazi anymore. |
| I apologize for all those things I said and did... I was on a lot of drugs back then. Doctor siad it wasn't enough, so he gave me more drugs. Now I'm better. |
| What do you call a snowman who trades sex for money? A Frostitute. |
| I was afraid that I had stepped on my child's hamster this morning... ... but laughed when I double checked. I had just tripped on a little puddle of blood and fur. |
| Evolutionists found the first humans were a Jewish male, a Georgian male and a Russian female... Their names were Arron Gutan, Chimpanidze and Gavrila... |
| How does Hitler sneeze? **a-jew* * |
| What's the difference between an underpowered motorbike and an overused vagina? One's a laggy scooter, and the other's a slaggy cooter! |
| How does Perry the pea pod greet his mate Kevin the corn kernel? Morn'in cob. |
| I don't understand why they say ignorance is bliss Trump supporters always seem so unhappy and angry |
| What's a carrot's favorite type of dancing? Tap root dancing. |
| What is a 14 year old with two broken arms favorite piece of clothing? Oedipal underwear |
| What's the best part about dating a homeless man? You can drop him off anywhere |
| Being buried... Friend 1: What scares you the most? Friend 2: Being buried... Friend 1: Why? Friend 2: I don't want to talk about it, the thought of it scares me to death. |
| What's the favorite sex position of Git users? Revert cowgirl. |
| What's the best thing about an Oprah Winfrey joke? You get the joke! You get the joke! You all get the joke! |
| The bartender says, ?We don?t serve time travelers in here.? A time traveler walks into a bar... |
| What do you call a gay black man? A homiesexual. |
| So I replaced all of the incense in the Friar's chamber with Marijuana He's a High priest now |
| Why was the blind Mexican only saying "no"? Because he couldn't Si |
| My Asian friend got his Jewish wife pregnant. I guess "Cha Ching" wasn't an appropriate name suggestion |
| A couple were at a divorce court just a month after getting married The judge asked the wife " Why you want divorce so soon?" Wife: " He has a problem with premature ejaculation." Husband " I'm totally fine with that, its she who finds it a problem" |
| Trump never eats russian salad... He knows what Vladmir Putin it. |
| I had a company that sold miniature bibles that would fit in your wallet, but if failed. The margins were too small. |
| What do you call a Mormon at a rave? An LDS on LSD |
| Why did the mermaid wear seashells? Because the B shells were too small and the D shells were too big. |
| Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything. |
| Why do all gay men sound the same? Because they are Homonyms |
| Giving birth isn't as painful as being kicked in the nuts I've never heard a man say 'let's do that again' afterwards |
| A new exchange student from Spain came into our class. We made fun of his accent at first, but it quickly became clear he was incredibly intelligent. Everyone was surprised. No one expected the Spanish erudition. |
| Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it. Because elephants never forget. |
| Why aren't Alpacas good in the porn idustry? Because spitters are quitters |
| Just left an interview and they told me there'd be a drug test. I'm not worried, though. I know a lot about drugs, so it should be a pretty easy test. |
| KGB Agents Two KGB Agents talk: - What happened to him? - He ate bad mushrooms - Why are there beating marks on the body? - He didn't want to eat them |
| What did the stoner name his daughter? Mary Joanna |
| A Crayola truck just got robbed for profit We're currently searching for the purple traders |
| The U.S., the U.K, Germany and France all start a new game of Dungeons and Dragons in 2017. What's the first action the U.S. makes? A Constitution saving throw. |
| I didn't know whether to use ser or estar.... I didn't expect the Spanish indecision |
| #NotMyGroundhog Cold weather triggers me |
| What do you call a loud, mentally disabled dog? A sub-ruffer. |
| Did you hear about the woman who backed into an airplane? Disaster. |
| What do you get when you mix sodium hydroxide with hydrochloric acid? Water, and /r/leagueoflegends |
| When a girl sleeps around, she gets called easy... But when **I** do it, all I get is crabs. |
| Trump has been looking smaller and smaller lately. He's on the low-fact diet. |
| Have you heard the joke about the man with a micropenis? He had a micropenis. That's the joke. Short, isn't it? |
| A lesbian goes to the gynaecologist... He shines his pen torch and has a decent look "Crikey, it's extremely clean in here, Mrs", she smiles and replies "It bloody well should be. I get a woman in three times a week" |
| I went to see Don Quixote at the theater yesterday and there was a short break in the middle of the play. We didn't know it would happen, no one expected the Spanish intermission. |
| How to make scrambled eggs Step 1: Find omelette recipe Step 2: Follow omelette recipe until folding step Step 3: Try to fold the omelette in the pan Step 4: Fuck it up because how the fuck do you even do that Step 5: Enjoy scrambled eggs |
| I knew an Indian who drank so much tea that he died in his tea pee |
| Wow, Donald Trump is President. I haven't seen Democrats this mad since.... ...slavery was outlawed and the desegregation of public schools! |
| I'm not addicted to cocaine I just like the way it smells. |
| What's the difference between a rock musician and a jazz musician? A rock musician plays 3 chords for 20,000 people, and a jazz musician plays 20,000 chords for 3 people |
| What's green and fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you? A pool table. |
| What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels is still killing Indians. |
| Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? So she can moan with the other! |
| Why do Jewish people have circumcised penises? Because they're 20% off |
| What do you call a Muslim walrus? A halalrus |
| (read in vampire voice) Do you know what is ironic about a vampire penis? You, suck it. |
| What's the best way to run Meincraft on a Windows computer? By using DOS-Fuhrer |
| A bartender says "Hey! We don't serve faster-than-light particles here!" A tachyon flies into a bar. |
| How do farmers get the party started? They turnip the beets. |
| What do you call a piece of corn all by itself? A Unicorn. |
| Puxatony Phil has seen his shadow... burned permanetly into a stone wall. He's predicted a nuclear winter. |
| What did Neil Gorsuch say when asked why he ruled against Roe v Wade? Not my precedent |
| I hate grammar Nazis But I love the alt-write. I'll be here until I start yesterday's hw |
| Saw a midget carrying a television the other day I asked him if he need any help carrying the television. He told me to fuck off and said its an ipad. |
| I really don't like punchlines They hurt. |
| What do you call a female to male surgery? addadicktome |
| It's rude to call someone a fob You just assumed they understand English |
| How do jews celebrate Christmas? By installing a parking meter on the roof. |
| What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending |
| I got fired from my job at Whole Foods They caught me selling half foods!!! |
| Squaring numbers is just like girls If they're under 13, just do them in your head |
| How many vampires does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It depends if you Count Dracula. |
| What is the worst part of having sex with a 4 year old? Getting the blood out of the clown costume can be such a bitch |
| My girlfriend and I were about to go for a late night walk. Her dad said, "Don't forget to wrap up." I said, "Don't be silly, she's on the pill." |
| Do you want to satisfy your hardcore food fetish? Buy my new book: 50 Shades of Grey Poupon |
| Why can't Americans watch Lord of the Rings? They don't have the Two Towers. |
| TIL Donald Trump played Football when he was in college. He played de fence. |
| What's a Viking leaders pleasure? Leif Blower |
| I once bought condoms the day before a girl I was dating broke up with me. I suffer from premature emasculation. |
| Today is a ballerinas favorite day... Its 2-2 |
| I never knew my ex wanted me back so much. In fact, today he called me "white trash" because he just had to take me out. |
| What's the same about the force and herpes? They will be with you, always. |
| If sneezing means someone's thinking about you... I guess that explains why I never got sick before |
| Whats clean and dirty at the same time? A single guy just out of the shower. |
| Why do magicians never perform tricks behind windows? Because they are a pane to do tricks behind. |
| What do you call a singing computer? A-Dell |
| Why are there so many bakeries in the Deep South ? Because all the people down there are inbred |
| MOMMY MOMMY, I DONT WANT TO VISIT GRAMPA! Shut up and keep digging... |
| You know who's a real lady killer? David Berkowitz (aka Son of Sam) |
| What does a dog get after going to college? A pedigree. |
| Tourettes I took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesnt have it, I actually am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off. |
| Viagra Viagra should be classified as a hard drug. |
| What is the Latin word for Hipster? *Pretentious Pretentious* |
| What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow ? Reality . |
| My mother keeps asking me when I am going to get married And my answer is always the same, "I'm sorry, mom, but I'm afraid you will not live until that moment. You have cancer." |
| What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard. |
| Why did the blonde get into a car accident? She thought "dodge" and "ram" were instructions |
| Liberals declared leukemia to be racist There's too many white cells. |
| We were having a family dinner when my grandma started telling one of her old holocaust survival stories I said, "Stop it, grandma, this is not germane right now." |
| What was one of Gregory Mendel's conclusions Death. |
| What do you call a con artist with a degree in psycology? Sigmund Fraud. |
| "Girl, are you a popular work of fiction?" "Because I want to self-insert myself into you." |
| My girlfriend is quite selfish in the bedroom I gave her an orgasm last night and she spat it back in my face |
| They had to stop the leprosy hockey game Due to a face-off in the corner. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your waitress |
| My waifu is the square root of -100 She's a perfect 10, but imaginary. |
| I just turned on nickelodeon and saw bob the builder building a wall... ... to keep Dora from exploring. |
| "What line should we wait in for food?" "Pho queue" |
| I don't date coworkers... Not for lack of trying...it just hasn't worked out so far. |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_14.txt |
|---|
| @@ -0,0 +1,687 @@ |
|---|
| There's a strange movie called "Being Vladimir Putin." It's about a Russian dictator who discovers a secret door in the Kremlin that magically leads up the asshole of Donald Trump. |
| Why didn't the Tibetan girl trust her boyfriend? Himalayan |
| What's the last thing you want to hear when you're blowing Willie Nelson? "So...I'm not actually Willie Nelson." |
| There are 10 types of people Those who recycle binary jokes, and those who recycle other jokes. |
| Abortion jokes are really shallow... They always fail to deliver. |
| A dyslexic person... Walks into a bra |
| "How did Trump become president?!?!" Asks the country getting its weather forecast from a groundhog. |
| Iran bans Americans from traveling there. Won't beheading there anymore |
| Elephants weigh more than rats. weigh more. |
| I had bad breath this morning So I exSpeaminted with Wrigleys gum. |
| If Trump says, "Fuck You" to you, don't be angry... because rather being angry, you need to be worried. He is a man of his words, so run and hide if you can. |
| What is the most literary vegetable? A punion |
| I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away |
| Why is the nose in the middle of the face? Its the scenter. |
| Why are black people so good at basketball? because it's all about running, shooting, and stealing. |
| Why are Samurai so easy to kill? There are only chinks in the armor |
| What is the Mexicans favourite game? Borderlands |
| America in the 1930s be like: I have crippling depression. |
| How do you call a Fay in black robes? It is a Faygoth |
| What is E.T. short for? He has really small legs |
| I'm so horny. I need to go home and pound my wife ...in the head with a skillet, so she can't hear me and the girl I brought home having sex. |
| How much does high speed internet cost in Australia? NINE-HUNDRED DOLLARYDOOS |
| Why do marxists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft. |
| What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line |
| "Hi there, I'm here for Club Paradox" Actually this is Oxymoron Club. "Ok, same difference." looks at group Oh, this guy is good. |
| Why did the black guy have cocaine sprinkled on him? The cops were out of bullets. |
| I was changing the 15 fuses at the Buzzfeed HQ building Number 5 shocked me. |
| So the British government have just produced a white paper detailing their plan of leaving the EU Well, they weren't about to use black or brown paper now were they? |
| What do you call a Cuban that immagrated to Spain? Spain-ish |
| Me and my dad have been butting heads... ... since before I was born |
| Have you heard about the vampire turned poet? He went from _bat_ ... to __verse__! |
| What do you call a female magician? An assistant. |
| I saw a black man... I saw a black man in Nikes running down the street carrying a 55" TV and I thought to myself, "Is that mine?" Then I remembered that mine wears Reebok. |
| My penis was in the Guinness book of world records... Until the librarian screamed at me to take it out. |
| Muslims in America [removed] |
| What do you call a group of French rabbits running backwards? A retreating hare line. |
| Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? 18+ Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there. |
| Why are feminists so good at math? Theyre skilled at triggernometry. |
| Police arrested two kids yesterday One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. |
| I'm like a bull in a China Shop... If "China Shop" is what you call your mom. [OC] |
| What is the worst part about time travelling jokes? Punchline? Never heard of him. |
| When someone asks why you don't have muscles "My muscles are just like John Cena. You can't see me" |
| Didn't know groundhogs are part Didn't know groundhogs are part of the Stark family . They always think Winter is coming. |
| My dog has been acting up lately... I think it's fed up with it's gender. |
| How many Presidents does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. He's too busy screwing his daughter in the oval office. |
| It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs... Because they always take things literally. |
| So I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta last night... Now it's a Ford Focus. |
| The NATO battleplan began to fall apart just as the battle started. All the nations troops were in the planned positions. However what no one expected was the Spanish in-position. |
| Pornhub now makes you view an ad before you can watch your video. Is this what the world is coming to? |
| Why did the guitar player get arrested? For fingering a minor. |
| Want to hear a joke? So did Helen Keller. |
| Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The cock. |
| Stringed Bikini's Stringed Bikini's are making our beaches see-shores. |
| I asked Yoda for his opinion of the play Les Miserables "Lame is." |
| What do you call a baby horse, wrapped in aluminum, who was stopped from committing his dastardly plan? A Foiled Foil Foal |
| What's the biggest similarity between feminists and linebackers? Everything that happens to them is offensive. |
| I became a proud dad today! My son is actually 4 but he was a boring little cunt for the first 3 years. |
| What is the difference between a sadist and a masochist? One practices the golden rule. |
| TIL short people experience an wage gap comparable to that of blacks They should really rise up against it |
| What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? Your mum can't take a joke. |
| How can you tell if you're best friend is gay? If his dick tastes like shit. |
| A step-by-step guide of how to tell if your girlfriend is cold: 1) She won't stop fucking telling you. |
| Last night, my wife asked me to make her "feel like a woman" I took off my shirt, and told her to iron it. |
| Why couldn't the man remember where he left his glasses? It was all a blur. |
| I'm not anti Semitic I'm anti semantic I can't stand a wordy Jew |
| What's the difference between a good secretary and a great secretary? A good one says, "*Good morning.*" A great one says, "*It's morning.*" |
| There are 10 types of people in the world... .. those who understand binary, and those who get laid. |
| My buddy was watching a video of an NFL player involved in domestic violence. I asked, "What position did he play?" He answered..... Kicker |
| Why do Frenchmen have a hard time counting to four? Because there's a tree in the way. |
| What's the toughest commandment for IV drug users to follow? Don't take God's name in vein. |
| What do Germans call a broken toilet? A scheizer geyzer. |
| 11 a.m. is always such a hard time for me I should probably stop taking Viagara with breakfast. |
| What's a Jewish person's favourite martial arts? Judo |
| What group of limbed people is the worst at karate The deaf |
| A Blonde's Brain Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? A: Pregnant. |
| What do you get if you combine an organ and jam? A hearty breakfast |
| Earbuds so today one of my friend was wearing ear buds and im like: YOU MAY HAVE EAR BUDS, BUT I GOT MY BUDS EAR! and i grabbed my friends ear. |
| A man wearing a turban walks into a doctor's office... and the doctor says "What's wrong with you?", to which the man replies "Doctor, can't you see I'm Sikh?" |
| If you don't want your grades to sink like the titanic..... You should try to keep them above C level |
| I used my Google Rewards on a video of Caitlyn Jenner It was worth the transaction |
| I know an NP-Complete joke but once you've heard one you've heard them all |
| What is America's favorite drink? Liber-Tea |
| Time to train for my favourite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.... |
| Did you guys hear about the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence? It was an "udder" disaster! |
| Some say laughter is the best medicine. I prefer sedatives. |
| I invented a sandal for people with one leg. It was a flop. |
| 2020 Olympic High Jump Results: Gold- Mexico Silver- Mexico Bronze- Mexico |
| What do you call a truthful Native American? Pocahonest. |
| Guess what Chicken butt |
| Whats the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot? Guys will actually look for the golf ball. |
| The only interview you can never fuck up is the exit interview. No HR is going to say "Sorry. You're rejected. You'll have to continue working with us till your last breath." |
| What does the sign on an out of business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed. |
| Had the strangest sexual encounter of my life last night "Had the strangest sexual encounter of my life last night," Bill said to Frank. "A blind call girl" "Really?" said Frank. "Yeah. You gotta hand it to her." |
| Giant Pandas are the least racist animal... They're Black, White and Asian! |
| When is it time for bed at Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand. Woooo Shamone!! |
| What is the difference between Donald Trump and Kanye West? 4 years. |
| Alt-Right does nothing for our Word Ctrl-Right, though, moves us to a whole new Word. Obligatory I'm here all day. |
| What cereal does President Trump stockpile at the White House? Cheerios...Made for little hands! |
| What do you call a pig with no legs? Ground Hog! Happy Groundhog's Day! |
| My wife told me if I kept making puns about my dark yellow glove then she'd leave me. I told her I could see where she was coming from, even I found it annoying I mustard mitt. |
| So a man and a wife were walking.... The wife sees a dog licking itself and whispers to her husband "I wish I could get down like that." The husband replies "I suggest you ask if you can pet em first" |
| What is a physicist's preferred city of residence? Velo City. |
| What kind of faucet is only Cold? Farrah |
| Q: What's the difference between hemophilia and virginity? None. One prick, and it's all over. |
| What's the most common blood type in Taiwan? Taipei |
| Pregnant - Beyonce Pregnant with twins - Beytwice |
| My baby finally spoke her first words She said "Google Lady Gaga" |
| Time flies like an arrow fruit flies like a banana |
| Why are magicians lousy reporters? They always ask trick questions. |
| This is a chemistry joke repost... All the original ones Argon. |
| What's the best pattern for a banker's suit? Checks! |
| Why did the Amish girl keep getting pregnant? Too many mennonite. |
| The Groundhog just saw a Muslim outside Gobblers Knob. Predicting six more months of travel ban |
| Whats lopsided and provocative? A stripper who had a stroke |
| Someone asked me "What's the longest time you ever went without sex? " 16 years. Once. When I was young. |
| Why did the piece of chalk cross the road? There was treasure buried underneath. |
| How many Muslims were banned? How many Muslims were banned? Allah them. |
| Onions. I remember crying when my dad chopped onions. Onions was a good dog. I miss him. |
| Want to hear a joke about Sodium? Na Want to hear a joke about Sodium Hypobromite? NaBrO |
| Eyes Specialist Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem? Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell? Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door. |
| How do say farewell to a cat? You ask him to have a mice day. |
| Why was the math book sad? It had lots of problems. [My little brother told me this earlier.] |
| Trump is alot like a Dragon Ball Z villain He has yet to sign his final form! Bahahaahaaa I love coffee |
| A Muslim walks into a gay bar And says "shots for everyone!" |
| Groundhog sees Trumps shadow. . . Four more years of Nuclear Winter |
| 100m Dash A girl says to her friend "The last time I had sex was like the 100 meter dash" Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?" "No, with 8 black men and a gun." |
| What did the company that makes wooden counters say to their client? "We stand behind our product" |
| Trump cured me... of impostor syndrome. |
| I just went to my first biweekly Screw Trump party I'm gonna try his gays only one next week. |
| Why did the bean get released from the mental asylum? It wasn't a nut. |
| Son: "Mom, Dad, I am gay...." Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: ... Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD" |
| What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they're stuck up bitches. |
| I asked my agent what time I should arrive to be paid for the Elvis impersonation gig. He said it's 1 for the money. |
| Which monkey can fly? A hot air baboon! |
| Why is Donald Trump's favorite cuisine Canadian? Because he loves to have a mouthful of Poutine. |
| Why couldn't the dogs understand each other. Because they didn't have any common scents. Ha ha ha... I'll see myself out. |
| What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt! |
| What type of penis do Chinese mice have? Mousey dongs |
| Breaking News: Donald Trump elected 45th President of the United States! I know this already came out, but I am just now believing it. |
| I told the judge "I discovered my wife in bed with Danny!" He said "No you didn't! Danny already knew she was there." |
| Having a foot long penis would be a real pain in the ass But not for me. |
| My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed. Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists |
| What are your chances of getting laid by a super religious female? Nun |
| Today needs to be Lobster or steak day... Because this groundhog tastes like crap! |
| An atheist, dyslexic insomniac spends all his nights wondering About the existence of dog. |
| What did the Aussie say when his friend ran out of TP? Bidet mate! |
| Did you know they make a divorcee Barbie now? She comes with all of Ken's stuff. |
| Why are you up at 6am despite wanting more sleep? SIR I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON. |
| Sir Mix-A-Lot runs in 2020. He'll grab her by the tushy. |
| I've been secretly tossing pears at my neighbor for a couple weeks now I can hear him talking to his wife about government drones trying to drive him crazy, but he's just pear annoyed. |
| A cat can read the hands of a clock to know when it's nap time. It's nap time when the hours-hand is shorter than the minutes-hand. |
| What is the name of a motorist fan in the Netherlands? Bus van Truck |
| Thank god I wasn't born in China... I don't even speak Chinese! |
| The groundhog saw his shadow. Four more years of suck. |
| Mercury asked the Sun what he was. The Sun said: I'm a motherfucking star boy. |
| Told my friend she couldn't take critism She told me to go to hell. |
| What did the warring religious sects say to each other after they made peace? "Good Shiite." "See you Sunni." |
| As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a big black man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine. Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes. |
| When my cat won for "Best Feline Butt", we expected to get a small plaque. But it wasn't. It was a huge catasstrophy |
| Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a #2 pencil. (With thanks from my dad) |
| My pet snake just lays around and won't move I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction |
| Did you hear the one about fouls in Soccer? You'll get a kick out of it. |
| They call my penis the truth.... The truth can be a real dick sometimes |
| I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself.... When did I get a wife? |
| Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park." |
| It's okay to laugh during sex but just don't point. |
| In the US, there is house theft every 7 seconds Doesn't that mean walls should be built around houses? |
| My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home. |
| My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Really blind-sided everyone. Nobody expected the Spanish Acquisition. |
| What is a Linux user's favorite game? sudo ku EDIT: First post with 100+ upvotes. Thanks all you people :D |
| An unmarried couple start a jazz band. What would they call it? Premarital sax |
| What do you call a constipated detective? No shit Sherlock |
| Yesterday an Iraqi Imam made history when he said someone in Iraq had told a lie. It was the first time a Trump supporter accepted at face value a statement form an Imam without feeling the need to reach for a gun. |
| What is your FAVORITE pun? Mine is, "Dogs Can't Operate a MRI Machine......but Catscan" |
| what do you call the god of melting ice? Thaw. |
| Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? It's okay, he worked it out with a pencil. |
| "Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said. "Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?". |
| What do you call a potato that becomes US President and silences the news, silences government agencies, silences government funded science and ends international treaties? A dic-tater. |
| The light at the end of the tunnel, Are the front lights of a train. |
| my wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort. |
| I've just moved into a six bedroom house with three acres of land. Don't tell the owners. |
| You?re one in a million China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you?re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. |
| Why do economists exist? So accountants have someone to laugh at. |
| What do you call a Russian guy in a Racecar? Snowspeed xD |
| Guy: We need to stop testing our products on animals. Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time. Guy: Ya but we make dildos. |
| I used to work at a bra factory but it went bust. |
| On the late night train.... On a late night train, I was alone in a carriage, this pretty young thing boards. I stared at her. She snapped "what are you looking at? " I sighed. "6 to 8 years if someone else gets in this carriage." |
| What was Lynyrd Skynyrd's biggest hit? The ground. Follow-up line: It was a Buddy Holly cover. |
| What do you call a Chinese woman with no legs? Dragon lips |
| Did you know? Type O Blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to the lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread and is now called Type ?O? blood. I guess you could call it a typo. |
| Who is Donald Trump's least favourite rock band? Foreigner. |
| What is the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, its flag is a big plus. |
| Why can't you hear pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because their P is silent! |
| My wife always asks me: if she dies, will I remarry? And I say don't be silly honey... I never make the same mistake twice. |
| What did the porcupines say when they kissed? Ouch! |
| What's the difference between a truckload of sand and a truckload of babies? You can't unload sand with a pitchfork |
| What's the SI Unit for measuring Light's Weight? Hologram. |
| A wife walks in on her husband, in bed with another woman. "Helen, is that you?", says the husband surprised. He turns to the woman next to him. "Then who is this?" |
| My mechanic thinks i'm in denial over my brake fluid leak. But he's wrong; I can stop any time i want. |
| What do you call a Barbie on fire? A Barbecue! Be gentle. First post. And I remember making this up on a long car ride when I was just 4:) |
| Rucksacks are some of the most trustworthy things you'll ever own I mean, they've always got your back amirite |
| What do you call a women who cant make a sandwich? Single |
| You already know the punchline. What is the worst part about time travelling jokes? |
| What Kind Of Jam Would You Not Like On Your Bread? A Traffic Jam |
| Why doesn't the sun go to college? Because it already has 28 million degrees |
| What's the difference between a doll and a baby? You can't paint with a doll. |
| Why did George W. Bush cross the road? To ask his dad how to run the presidency. |
| Me: So do you like guys with low self esteem? Girl: Of course, yes, I do Me: Please don't lie to make me feel better |
| Why did the sailor think his wife was cheating on him? Because his boat was filled with seamen. |
| Why is Trump so keen to stay with the queen in the UK? He heard she has golden bathrooms and can't wait to try out the showers. |
| Marriage is like smoking... we believed they are good at first. |
| Why don't women have dirty minds? Because they're constantly changing them... |
| So if Trump doesn't like conversations with Turnbull and Australians don't like conversations with Turnbull, is Turnbull... ... Malcolm in the middle? |
| Three women are in a bar talking about how loose they are... One fits a hot dog in. The next fits a cucumber in. The last one slides down the barstool. |
| Cerebral Necrophelia Gives new meaning to the expression "I fucked her brains out" |
| To all these people telling America n Americans to go fuck themselves I think they already took care of that in November! |
| My secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her blouse at lunch today when she said, "remember, you have a wife." |
| Winter is coming. Can I watch? |
| What did the feminist say before shooting up a school? Trigger warning |
| Did you hear about the debacle at the USDA's beauty pageant? They crowned a Miss Steak. |
| What does somebody want most when they're stranded in the desert and their camel runs away? They want their camel bak. |
| Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by tossing it in water?! If it sinks... girl ant! If it floats... buoyant! |
| Why do melons always have big weddings? Because they cantaloupe! |
| If Canadians say "Ay" and Mexicans say "Si"... Why don't Americans say "B"? |
| If a woman sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a slut. But if a guy does the same thing, then he's gay. |
| Mellinials today definitely have it easier than previous generations... My grandfather had to cross the Atlantic to punch a Nazi. |
| Why can't you ever bang construction workers? They're excellent with man hole covers. |
| After many years of studying at a university, I?ve finally become a PhD Or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it. |
| What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Michael Phelps can finish a race |
| Why are the cars built by communists no good? 'cause they're constantly Stalin! |
| Nothing I do makes any sense. I'm unemployed. |
| How do you keep redditors in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow. |
| My overdramatic girlfriend came up to me, balling her eyes out and confessed to having the most painful period she's ever had before I looked her right in the face and said "stop ovary acting" |
| I thought recently that I was being to hard on Trump and wanted to try to see things the way he does... So I stuck my head up my ass and I get it now. |
| What is the the most charitable nation? A donation. |
| Did you know that my alcoholic friend only weighs two pounds? Long story short, my bud light. |
| I want to fly But gravity is such a let down |
| Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one who had a dream got shot. |
| Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough? He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll. |
| I went to a 4-year olds birthday party once, it was kinda awkward... ...probably because I wasn't invited... |
| Jay Leno walks into a bar. Bartender says "Why the really long face?" |
| Guy puts candy bar in shirt His dad always said to keep Twix up your sleeve. |
| I have the work ethic of an ox - If you tie a yoke to my shoulders and whip me until I move, I'm probably going to get a lot done. |
| Good part about trump being president is he will never forget toupee Sorry for the bad pun. Was off the top of my head. |
| What do you call a magic car? A Lambor-genie! |
| Why do farmers like to have sex with sheep at the edge of a cliff? They push back |
| I got vagina in China, got some more in Singapore, got some booty in Djibouti But I got gonorrhea in Korea. |
| What do you call a haemophobic vampire? A starving bat |
| They say you should test your fire alarm once a month... ... but it's costing me a fortune in houses! |
| Why did the console gamer cross the road? To render the building |
| I've always preferred management over human resources I guess that's just a personnel preference |
| What's black and white and red all over A penguin in a blender |
| Why is masturbating off the side of Japanese whaling ships mandatory? it's the only way to attract sperm whales. |
| A husband and wife are getting their first baby scan After a few minutes of silent scanning, the couple ask the doctor if anything is wrong. The doctor replies: On a positive note, your child will never struggle to find a parking space. |
| I once had an encounter with a Grizzly Its a long story, but just bear with me |
| I am a judge for peanut beauty pageants My job is pretty nuts |
| Dead husband A detective asks a woman, "So, your husband hanged himself?" Woman replies, "Yes, that is correct." The suspicious detective continues, "But why does he have all those bruises on his head?" "The old fool used an elastic rope!" |
| What is long and hard to a blonde? Grade five. |
| What do you call a barnyard revolt? A chicken coup. |
| What lives at the North Pole and takes Lithium? A bi-polar bear. [OC, circa 2005] |
| A man asks his wife if he can cum in her ear She said "No, it'll make me go deaf" To which he replied "Really, I always cum in your mouth and you never shut the fuck up". |
| Did you hear about the fire at the circus? Yeah...it was intense. |
| How can you tell if a lady is ready for sexy time??? You put your hand down the front of her pants, and if it feels like you're feeding a sugar cube to a horse, Hey buddy it's time to crank up the Lynard Skynard!! |
| I bought a Lottery ticket today Sven: "Ollie I bought a Lottery ticket today." Ollie: "It looks like it has six numbers on it. 29, 4, 42, 11, 35, 36." Sven: "What are the odds?" Ollie: "29, 11, 35." |
| I like my Jews just how I like my juice From concentrate. |
| Trump is in a paradox He needs construction workers to build the wall, but he's trying to deport all the construction workers I thought of this on the spot that's why it's bad sorry |
| We've had a horrible winter this year. It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets. |
| After years of reflection I've decided to stop selling mirrors |
| What's the difference between horses and women? Horses shoes are practical |
| I hate when people ask me what I'm going to be doing in 3 years Like come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision! |
| If the last Wolverine movie is a cross country chase... then why isn't it called Logan's Run? |
| You go to the bathroom Russian. You come out American. What are you while you're in the bathroom? European. |
| Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school? He's awake now! |
| NSFW My SO asked me why I always make terrible puns and dad jokes I told her, "it's just gentle ribbing, you know, for your pleasure" |
| Why didn't barbie ever get pregnant? Because Ken always came in another box. |
| What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? A suicide vest gets something accomplished when triggered. |
| Say what you will about Donald Trump his secretaries and stuff think he is a greatest president ever Can't complain??! |
| What does Porsche do? Ellen. |
| How many police officers does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None. "He fell". |
| Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? Because he had a miserable summer. |
| Did you hear about the roman fighter who ate his mother in law? Terrible indigestion but he was gladiator. |
| What do you get if you cross a black man with an octopus? A mean cotton-picking machine! |
| Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man? Then he learned how to make friends. |
| So Donald Trump signs an Executive Order reviving the Dakota Pipeline ... He says "Look at this Italian Stripper Dakota Pipilini ... laid by 100 men in 6 months!" |
| What's the difference between an attractive date and a not attractive date? His bank account. |
| Why do engineers make horrible parents? Because they're taught to neglect everything. |
| What's the difference between a job interview and being hired? You can tell them you're lazy once you are hired. :) |
| Did you hear how Reddit banned r/altright? They pressed Ctrl+Altright+Del. |
| Where should children with ADHD be sent? A Concentration Camp! |
| What kind of underwear does the Alt-Right wear? Tighty Righties. |
| My wife asked if I will ever stop quoting Gangsta's Paradise The way things are going I don't know |
| Whats worse than finding your wife at a brothel? Finding a fucking orangutang in a brothel. |
| What's got two wings and an arrow? A Chinese telephone. |
| What do you call a dinosaur that sings? A velocirapper |
| The only people that look up to school shooters... ..are the students on the ground |
| Why is 17 referred to as the "Hot Cousin" in black jack? Because you want to hit it but you'd probably bust and everyone be pissed at you. |
| I always wondered why they say space smells like seared steak Then I remember the Challenger disaster |
| What do you call a quadriplegic moose wearing a Guy Fawkes mask? A non-knee moose! Ba-dum-tiss |
| Why didn't hydrogen want to room with fluorine in college? Fluorine was so electronegative all the time. |
| This woman just caught me looking down her top. I panicked so much I almost fell off the toilet seat. |
| Why did Hitler approve of his mathematicians? They were all ~z-s. |
| Want a new perspective that's not AltRight? Try CtrlAltRight. |
| In my day, men were men, and women were secretaries. |
| I'm a new actor and just shot a pilot... ...turns out I wasn't supposed to use a loaded gun. |
| Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive |
| 30 people were waiting in line to get punched in the face... I guess you could call that the punch line. |
| A priest sees a self-made millionaire take some money out of the poorbox When the priest asks why, The millionaire looks down and replies "I just got divorced" |
| Me at my second rodeo: This ain't my first rodeo |
| What kind of veggies do you eat before going out to the club? Turn-Up Greens |
| Beyonce is pregnant! She's having twins! The media will refer to them as Bey's BeyBeys. |
| Sign of the times: if you win a million bucks as a contestant on "The Wall" ...they make Telemundo pay for it. |
| What do Spanish priests put on the communion bread? Soy sauce |
| What's not alright The altright |
| My first time on an elevator was quite uplifting... The second time was a let down. |
| A couple of blondes were talking about things they got while shopping So i bought a new toilet brush. Is it any good? No, not really. I think toilet paper works better. |
| Son: Dad, I?ve never heard you pull a joke before, have you ever pulled one? Dad: Sure son, I had to pull one back in ?97 Son: But that?s when I was born Dad: Exactly |
| Why did the scarecrow get an award? because he was out standing in his field. |
| Why did the cannibal cross the road? To get to the body shop! |
| How do you know if an autistic guy likes you? He looks at your shoes while he jerks off. |
| I found a way to make my penis 6 inches long. Fold it in half! |
| How did Billy Mays die? He confused his Oxi-Clean with his Cocaine. |
| Claustrophobia (fear of having no escape, and being closed) When you walk towards a pub, ... and you are afraid that it might be closed. |
| How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until its bill withers. |
| My girlfriend is like bread. It's easy to get a rise out of her. |
| How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it!! How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it! |
| I LOVE ISIS She's my favorite Egyptian god |
| What did the circumference of a circle say to its diameter? Want some pi? |
| Hey girl, are you an integral? Because I want to substitute u for my x. |
| And the Lord said onto John: "Come forth John and you will receive eternal life" But John came 5th and won a toaster |
| Why did Trump retract claims that George Soros was behind the paid protestors that have taken to the streets since his inauguration? He was jealous that Soros had created more jobs than he had. |
| What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey |
| Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 52 secconds Poor bastard |
| Whats green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table. |
| Women call me ugly untill they find out how much money i make Then they call me ugly and poor |
| My friend recently took up origami... My friend recently took up origami, although he's not very good at making creases, and every time he messes up he gets angrier and angrier... Trust me, you wouldn't want to be there when it all unfolds... |
| What do you call an elephant crossed with a rhino? 'Eliphino? |
| TIL What a lay up was. Explains a lot. |
| How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's bill withers. |
| I try to teach my dad a new lesson every day. They say it's good to learn from your mistakes. |
| What do you call an Incompetent Female Arsonist? A Farcenist |
| What's a civilian called in military slang? A collateral damage still alive. |
| Remember, big brains are important... but big muscles are importanter |
| My Parents always told That you should learn from mistakes. That's Why they have so many books about children. |
| I know a farmer who likes throwing darts at his mating donkeys for fun He's a pain in the fucking ass |
| Had to take a drug test for Calculus. Had to take a drug test for Calc. 2 It was a P-test. |
| Have you guys heard of the new semen-based hair gel? It's the next generation. |
| Two silkworms were in a wrestling match. It ended in a tie. |
| Sex Doll Do muslim sex dolls blow themselves up? |
| A slave say to another slave... Are you free tonight? |
| A man saw a woman on the street and started physically abusing her She asks, "What are you doing?!" The man says "I'm hitting on you". |
| I just found out that Santa Clause raises livestock in between Christmas... I guess you could call him a Jolly Rancher |
| What's the Difference Between America and "Keeping Up With the Kardashians"? I don't even know at this point... |
| Whats a Mexican gangsters favorite brand of pants? Dickies. They love the way they feel on their ass. |
| How many dead hookers in a basement does it take to change a light bulb? I'm not sure, but it's more than four because it's still fucking dark down there |
| The local police station got broke into today and they stole all the toilets... The police have got nothing to go on |
| 64% of statistics are made up 90% of you didn't know that. |
| Wife wanted. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." |
| What results when you cross a Hippo and a Crocodile? Pretty sure you die. |
| What did Japanese-mexican name his cat? Ari-gato |
| I'm instructor flashbang I earned that nickname from my ex-wife I don't get it but it kinda stuck |
| I went on a date with a 45 year old woman. Me: Would you like a drink? Her: No thanks, I tried it once a didnt like it. Me: Oh ok, that's unusual. Her: Not really, my daughter's exactly the same. Me: Your only child I assume? |
| All these women on the 48 dating sites I?ve joined, seem so fucking sad and desperate. |
| A girl at work asks if I think she's a 10... I said "you're an 11." "Aww really?" she says with a huge smile. I said "yeah , you've got a great personality as well and that adds at least 10 points." |
| What's the difference between 9/11 and a Cow? America can't milk a cow for 15 years |
| 4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed. 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects. |
| How do oysters get around? In mussel cars. |
| I've got a part time job making rubberised computer keyboards. They offer flexible shifts. |
| I got drunk and hired a cheap lawyer last night. Think I might have contracted something... |
| I wish that I could buy the new iPhone... but iBroke. |
| Why doesn't Massachusetts have a Debate team? Because it would be called the Mass-Debate team. |
| Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years." |
| A bodybuilder named Scott A bodybuilder named Scott is working out at the gym and has just deadlifted 600 pounds, a personal best. Still holding the bar, he looks over to his trainer, who shouts: "Great, Scott!" And he replies: "I know, this is heavy." |
| "My name is Talia, my mother gave me that name." [NSFW] Batman: Is your first name Jenny? Coz then you'd be Jennytalia, and I hear you're a total cu**. |
| What is the best mexican food to eat while you're watching Netflix? andchill-adas |
| How many vampires showed up to the garlic eating competition? I don't know, it was countless |
| [OC] What do you tell a preacher when they invite you over for spaghetti dinner? "Pasta pasta, pasta." :) EDIT: Say it out loud. |
| There were two fish in a fish tank. The first fish said, "How do you drive this thing?" The second fish said, "Holy crap! It's a talking fish!!" |
| If my last name were Plate, I'd open a computer repair shop... and call it Plate Tech Tonics. |
| "Peace out. See you guys in four years" -Democracy |
| A little girl gets lost in the supermarket A security guard asks her 'What's your mum like?' 'Big cocks and vodka', replied the little girl |
| What do you call a soup bowl from Krypton?! Well ... *a kryptonian soup bowl*, obviously. |
| Beyonce Pregnant With Twins, Names Already Chosen Red and Yellow |
| When I was born my father said "Now I'm certain I want two children!" I was the third. |
| Beyonce is having twins! I wonder if they will be Red ivy and Green ivy |
| I wasn't sure about how to ask the love of my life to marry me So, I decided to ask her husband for advice. |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? He didn't because I'm vegetarian and offended. |
| The only thing smaller than Donald Trump's hands... The only thing smaller than Donald Trump's hands is Donald Trump's heart! |
| MOM! at school they tell me i'm too distracted! kid, i'm the neighbour, your house is across the street. |
| Back at school, I had a weird geometry teacher. He had warts all over his nose, and they had to remove a bit of his face due to an accident. You could say he had an... Irregular sir face. |
| What's the difference between Karl Marx and Donald Trump? Trump only advocates the seizing of a *woman's* means of production |
| I can't find my k+(1/4a) I guess I've lost my focus... |
| I tried to rob a bank using jello cast in the shape of a gun The police charged me with carrying a congealed weapon |
| Some people worry drinking in the shower is a sign of alcoholism I just worry about keeping the water out of my beer |
| Marriage is like blackjack Marriage is like blackjack. You can either hit or stay, but you can't do both |
| Obama was the Antichrist & Trump is a facist dictator Either America has grown more tolerant or liberals don't believe in the Antichrist. |
| How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black. |
| What is the best secret intelligence service? MI6 have strong Bonds but the CIA Trumps all. |
| What do you get hanging from banana trees? Long arms |
| Donald Trump's releasing a hip-hop song this year Going Back To Calais |
| What's the difference between a penis and a vagina? [NSFW] I'd say there's quite a vas deferens. |
| Why did the Frenchman put snails in his gas tank? To make escargot. |
| I would love to be a mirror cleaner. I can see myself making a living that way... |
| My last relationship was like Forrest Gump She was a whore and I was retarded. |
| Why did the Secret Service arrest the recently immigrated masseuse? They said Melania told the masseuse after he was done to give the President a fist bump, not to fist Trump. |
| What was Harper Lee's favourite spirit to drink when she went claypigeon shooting? Tequila Mockingbird |
| A man frantically walks into the doctor's office... ...and begins to shout, "I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!" "Calm down, calm down!" The doctor says. "You're two tents!" |
| What does the pirate sell his corn for on the side of the street? Buck an ear. |
| What do you call a sad marijuana pipe? Miserabowl! |
| You Eat What? knock knock who's there? I eat yerp I eat yerp who That's disgusting, please stop |
| Did you guys hear about Mike Pence? His favorite supreme Court case is Nix v. Hadden involving the federal classification of the tomato. It's cause he loves when the government turns fruits into vegetables. |
| What are the two most important holes in a womans body? No!! Not them you dirty bastards!!!! Its her nostrils...they allow her to breathe while she's sucking your dick. |
| I fingered my girlfriend during her period Her parents caught me red handed. |
| What's the difference between a near death experience and a booty call? One is ducking fate and the other is a... |
| Why was the broom late? It overswept! |
| What's the favorite food of infinity. Cocaine. Cos it's a high number. |
| Did you hear about the rebellious Hebrew child? He went out and got stoned with his mates. |
| There's a rumor going around that someone in my group of friends is gay... I hope it's Josh, he's pretty cute. |
| Been reading a fascinating memoir about Latino street culture. It's a collection of esÈs. |
| I'm thinking about moving to Switzerland... For a couple of reasons, but their flag is a big plus. |
| Who is Pitbulls favorite sports icon? Dale! Earnhardt Jr. |
| What do you call a fake TV bought on craigslist? A video-con. |
| What do you do when a chemist dies? You barium. |
| Why is a cat like a joke? If you dissect it, it dies. |
| What kind of table is good for your health? A vegetable! This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece! It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me. |
| How does Princess Leia like her showers? Lukewarm. |
| The other day I had food poisoning And I had diarrhea for a whole week. I shit you not |
| I haven't lost my virginity yet... Because i never lose |
| What would the name be of a magician duo containing a chicken and a deaf woman? Hen and Keller. |
| My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn?t build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta! |
| That day in lab I nearly made a science joke ...but my friend said Na. |
| Did you hear about the new tax law Trump has issued? I don't know much about it but it seems tariff-eyeing. |
| TIFU by accidentally giving my girlfriend my sandwich that had extra cheese when she's lactose intolerant Whoops, wrong sub. |
| What did the number 0 say to the number 8? "Nice belt." |
| I feel very akward when I watch dance instruction videos. Always staring at the feet. |
| Where does the king keep his armies? In his sleevies |
| My girlfriend broke up with me cause I stole her wheelchair But I knew she'd come crawling back to me. |
| Yo mama so fat Aliens thought she was our Dyson Sphere |
| People say I'm superficial ...but that's just on the surface. |
| Where do Christians go after throwing up? Heave'in |
| What do you call a homeless horse? Unstable. |
| A drunk guy looks at a wanted poster... And thinks 'why would they let him go after clicking the pic' |
| Backstage at Project Runway, Tim walked past me holding some coffee. I said, "Hey, Gunn, where you going with that joe in your hand?" |
| It's still hard to take Trump seriously. For some reason I get the feeling he's just Putin us on. |
| Why did a banana go to the doctor? because he wasnt.. peeling well hahahah (ill find the door) |
| I used to date a girl that only had one leg... Her name was Ilene and she worked at IHOP |
| My girlfriend is a Trump supporter who ran out of breakfast bread. She lacks toast and tolerance. |
| What do you call the hair on a cows lip? A Moo-stache. > The perks of having too much free time in a call center. |
| One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob... "We need to pick ourselves up otherwise everyone will think we're nuts" |
| Did you hear about that mentally disabled kid who shoved a burger up his ass? I think he's got assburger syndrome. |
| After a long day of eroding civil rights, Donald can't wait to get home and remove Melania's panties. She really gets upset when he stretches them out. |
| You get the most from a Women's Studies degree when you... ...spend a semester studying abroad. |
| What is Snoop's favorite contraction? We'd |
| A prostitute asks her doctor if he could drill another hole next to her ass. The surprised doctor asks why...? "Business is going well, I want to open another branch" she replied. |
| I keep wanting to try Kraftig... But the last time Germans talked about purity my ancestors had to flee the continent. |
| What do French people do on Valentine's Day? They d'Èclair their love to each other. |
| a priest, rabbi and, caliphate walk into a bar they woke up in the hospital with a concussion. |
| Doors of my house are open for you always. Get out! |
| Difference between twins I've fucked a set of twins. People have asked me how hard it was to tell them apart, but it was actually quite easy. You see, Caroline was a redhead with an amazing pair of tits, And frank had a cock. |
| A police officer's Siamese twin brother was a criminal... He was con fused. |
| Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince. |
| Stop posting Chuck Norris jokes on the Internet. Chuck Norris will delete the internet. |
| I am a loyal man. When I go out shopping with my mom, I don't look at other moms. |
| Rumor has it there's a basketball court on the roof of the Supreme Court building. It's the highest court in the land. |
| What is the difference between me and trash? Nobody takes me out |
| I didn't know what to get my mother for Christmas I turned to my colleagues and asked what I should get for her when my boss says "Get her some slippers and a dildo, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and fuck herself" |
| I went to the doctors about my hearing.. I went to the doctors about my hearing and the doctors asked me "Can you describe the symptoms?" I said "Yeah, Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair" |
| Man walks into a restaurant and asks the waiter "what's the special today?" Waiter replies "Oasis soup" - Man: "why is it called Oasis soup?" Waiter replies "cos you get a *roll with it*" |
| To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you.. You have my Word. |
| The weirdest thing I've heard during sex is "Cum inside me." I got pretty freaked out. Why? Hands don't talk. |
| What do you call a round table meeting of a bunch of chronic masturbators? A circumference BADUMTSS |
| What makes me a good scottish man? **Well if i were a bad scottish man,i wouldn't have been discussing this with ya now would i?** |
| what do you get when you cross a bison with a duck? buffalo bill |
| Where do dogs go when they lose their tail? To the retail store |
| What do you can an acoholic dwarf? Just a little drunk. |
| I got arrested the other day after police found me covering a boy with melted sugar I was charged with child molassation |
| I told my teacher to tell a joke He said "Want me to announce your grades?" |
| I'm not addicted to drinking brake fluid.... I can stop any time I want. |
| Two silk worms are in a wrestling match It ended in a tie. |
| Black History Month A kid in my class asked why we had a Black History Month and not a White History Month. I told him we had eleven. |
| They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life" They are darn right, that field isn't hiring! |
| Why does Donald Trump wear such a long tie? It's his leash. |
| My grandfather had a heart of a lion... and also a lifetime ban from the zoo. |
| Hitler was caught jacking off by a dead jew. Hitler: Oh no, I did Nazi you there. |
| I used to have a pet leech. It was attached to me. |
| Can't blame Monica Lewinsky for getting her dress dirty... I'm sure she just didn't see it coming... |
| the ghostly act of not respecting your equals disapeer |
| I have one advice to the people of /r/NoFap Go fuck yourself. |
| What would Reddit do for a Klondike bar? OP's mom. |
| I need to stop making autism jokes But the repetition is just too soothing |
| Did you hear about the girl that was dating an Eskimo? She broke it off. |
| Moses doesn't mind period sex. He's used to being in the red sea. |
| Yesterday I killed a pair of pigeons with an unmanned flying device. You could say I killed two birds with one drone! |
| Did you hear that Gregor Mendel never finished any of his work? That's right! No punnett ended |
| What is the year of good eyesight? The Year 2020 |
| Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because, if they flew over the bay, they would be called bagels. |
| What type of joke is the best joke? A Communist joke, because everyone gets it. |
| What do you call a dual stand up act on their periods? comoody |
| Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son? Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son? Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa Edit: Can't believe i got 1000 upvotes , Thanks Dad |
| What's the fastest food in the world? Scone |
| My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice Must be why I'm an only child Edit: First time on front page thanks guys! |
| Why shouldn't the number 288 ever be said in public? Because it's too gross |
| I like going for a jog at night The fear of getting murdered really helps my stamina. |
| Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR! |
| They say you can?t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein ? he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon! |
| Know why Mexico doesn't have a good Olympic team? Anybody that can run, jump, or swim is already in the U.S. |
| What's the difference between a co-pilot and a duck? The duck can fly. EDIT: this is a pilot joke - I obviously know that co-pilots can fly |
| You must be calcium You make my bone hard. |
| What do Pizzas & parents have in common? If they're black, you have nothing to eat. |
| Two Men walk into a bar... The third one ducked. |
| What do you call a disagreeable Russian Sasquatch? A Nyeti. |
| Caught my wife receiving oral sex from our refrigerator again. I'll never buy another Kelvinator |
| Despair. What a Jamaican gets when he's bowling. |
| What do you call a colour doing a chemistry degree? Cyantific. |
| I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me. She was lack-toes intolerant. |
| Can someone get me a new calendar? Mayan ended |
| How often do guinea pigs have sex? Once a wheek wheek wheek wheek! |
| Why does the man with fake hair never carry around his wallet? Because he never expects to toupee anything |
| I hate gravity... It's always putting me down |
| What was the last thing to cross Paul Walker's mind? The windshield |
| How does an angry Mexican season his food? ...With a pinche salt |
| A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar The bartender says "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything" |
| Can?t believe how much my girlfriend is crying about her new haircut Its much worse for me, I?m the one who?s gonna have to find a new girlfriend now. |
| What's the difference between oranges and babies? I don't fuck the oranges after I skin them. |
| Why did the blind man cross the street ? At least he tried ...... |
| What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera? Phil Ming |
| 2 flies on a terd 1 fly farts and the other says 'do you mind I'm eating' |
| Before leaving, my mother asked me, "How long will you be travelling through Scandanavia?" I replied, "Until I'm Finnished." |
| Gay dating is hard when you only like pessimists. I'm not interested in positive men. |
| what do you call gangster spaghetti spaghetto |
| What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador |
| A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'' |
| Why can't Google maps hold down a solid relationship Because it's always looking for the quickest possible route |
| What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common? They both have to smell it but neither of them gets to eat it. :( |
| A man with no hands walks into a palm reader's business The palm reader looks at him and says, "well, I'm stumped." |
| What do you call a white bear that can't push? A polar bear. |
| What did the man ask the Jamaican Chef? "What Jamaican?" |
| If I had a dollar for every time a woman didn't show interest in me They'd probably eventually show interest in me |
| Two elephants were watching a naked man... One elephant turned and asked the other, "How the hell does he eat with that thing!" |
| Trump said "I am going to drain the swamp and take on the establishment" |
| My favourite job has always been giving stupid people advice. Hello! You clicked! What do you want to know? |
| Who's Going to Pay For the Wall? Mexico Mexic Mexi Mex Me |
| What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito will stop sucking after you slap it. |
| If two people having sex is called a twosome..... Then now i know why they call you handsome ;) |
| President Trump's choice for Supreme Court Justice is strongly opposed to euthanasia. I wonder what he's got against kids in the Orient? |
| What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician? He didn't count on this... |
| Bad taste Did you hear Donald Trump is putting a ban on telecommunications from the middle east! It's called the Teleban. |
| Someone asked what my favorite band was... if I'm being subjective, I'd say The Who. if I'm being objective, I'd say The Whom. |
| Sally can't sell seashells down by the seashore anymore... She was busted for conch-traband. |
| I heard Michael J. Fox is getting his own cooking show... The show is called, "Shake and Bake". |
| What do you call Batman when he skips out on church? Christian Bale |
| What's the difference between a man and a government bond? The bond matures! |
| My doctor told me I need fewer trans fats in my life... Looks like it's time to delete Tumblr. |
| What could US Senate learn from Trump's wives? A two-thirds' majority decided to ditch him. |
| How do you fuck 118 million Americans with one dick? Elect him president edit: 318 million, not 118 |
| My Friend Recently has been attaching balloons to everything he sees. I mean seriously, you can't make this stuff up. |
| I'm furious! racist tech support just called me asian All I said was my drivers keep crashing |
| Did you hear about the German man who was up to no good? I heard he has a severe guten allergy. |
| A man walks up to his friend and says, "I'm getting sick of being single." The friend replies "well there's a lot of sea in the fish.... and that sea is full of men." |
| [NSFW] I'm so sad, my favorite dating site is shutting down Disney has announced they are shutting down Club Penguin. =( |
| What do you call a sick painting? An Ill-ustration. |
| MOM! I'm being called gay in school. Who is calling you that son? A bunch of cute boys. |
| What do you call a werewolf that doesn't know he's a werewolf? An unawarewolf. |
| What are Steve Bannon's favorite flowers? Gin blossoms. |
| What has 8 wheels and flies? A garbage truck. |
| I like my apples how I like my clown hookers: Red, yellow, green and devoid of worms. |
| How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy. |
| I beat Anorexia today People keep coming up with weirder names for their children. |
| Do you spell it Palindrome or Palendrome? Cause I've heard it both ways. |
| George Bush and his competitor got into a fist fight... I got to say, it was Al Gore... |
| What hangs at a mans thigh... What hangs at a mans thigh, and wants to poke a hole, that it's poked many times before? A key |
| My landscaper is also a paramedic He told me he makes more money mowing my lawn than he would finding me on my lawn having a heart attack. |
| What is the most controversial topic in the pirate world? Aarghbortion |
| What did two oceans say to each other? Nothing, they just waved. |
| My wife hates it when I'm on the toilet She says it brings out the worst in me |
| A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest? The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18. |
| A wife is yelling at her husband. "Get out of the house! I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!" As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!" The guy says: "So hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?" |
| What do Reddit and elections in third world countries have in common? They both have a reasonable voting cutoff of six months |
| Presidential politics is a lot like comedy. In the early days you?re going to bomb. |
| What do you call A anorexic girl with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese. |
| What do you call something that has a small hole, is tasty, and covered in my cum? A glazed donut. |
| If you think that move is going to work, you've got another thing coming. And it won't be me! |
| America has a bad case of priapism... An elect dick that lasts for at least four years. |
| TIL: Many medieval surnames like Fletcher or Cooper refer to the patriarch's traditional occupation. I guess I won't be marrying Mr. Dickinson. |
| Why were the twin towers sad? Because they ordered pepperoni pizza and got plane. |
| Sex is like homework I only do it when my teacher forces me to. |
| What to do you call someone that doesn't eat meat OR vegetables? Dead |
| Do you know what Disney song is really deep? Under The Sea. |
| Me: *Playing Ouija board* Me: What's your name? Ouija Board: I H A V E A B O Y F R I E N D |
| Co-Op is good for your resume. Sure it might be hard to coop with the workload, but instead of starting a job, you'll be resuming one. |
| Roses are red, Violets ate blue New Yorkers are polite So fuck you too. |
| I saw a documentary on erections... It tackled some really hard subjects. |
| A guy shoots a random man on the street. Cop: "Did you kill this man?" Guy: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed." |
| What do foxes breathe? Foxygen |
| Two wrongs don't make a right... ...just look at your parents. |
| Why did Mel Gibson walk into a bar at 9am? He overslept. |
| Damn my wife is disgusting. I went downstairs to piss in the sink, and it was full of dishes! |
| I just got the lead in a silent film I?m absolutely speechless |
| You know what we think is funny... When I look into the mirror and we both laugh |
| What's the last thing Gable Tostee's Tinder date said to him before walking on his apartment balcony? Cash me ousside, howbow dah? |
| Have you ever had sex while camping? It's fucking intense. |
| What do you call someone who sexually assaults avocados? A Guacamolester Sorry for the shitty taco tuesday joke......not really. |
| Who is the best member of the communist version of the Beatles? John Lenin |
| What do a sÈance and a laxative have in common? They're both used to make things come forth! |
| I just read Trump's book "The Art of the Deal" It had four Chapter 11's. |
| What do you get when you put a contagion in Nevada? Las Plague-as |
| Whoever invented the knock knock joke should receive a no-bell prize |
| So an emo teenager went to grocery store. He went up to the cashier and said, pointing to his scarred arm "Hey, can you scan this?" The cashier then scans the arm, only to say, "I'm sorry sir, but this item is worthless" |
| I was born handsome, charming witty and wise I'm also a compulsive liar, but I think it evens out. |
| Possession is nine-tenths of the law The maxim of daemon lawyers everywhere |
| What do you call a bacterial assassin? Tumerculosis |
| How much is trump's life insurance worth? One Pence |
| How does Chuck Norris flush the toilet? He doesn't. He scares the shit out of it. |
| Trump doesn't seem to have a problem... ...fucking immigrants. |
| Where are the most waffles dropped on the beach? San Diego. |
| Violence is never the answer Violence is the question The answer is yes |
| I had a really successful sex change. I'm having more sex than I did last year. |
| I like my women like I like my underwear Drenched in blood and feces. |
| What does my first car and anal have in common? I didn't want it, but my dad gave it to me anyways. |
| A person goes to r/Jokes And finds nothing but original content |
| I was gunna make a joke but then I took an arrow to the knee |
| An 80s singer caught himself on fire, what does he do? Stop, Drop, and Rick-Roll |
| What furniture store did the murderer shop at? I KEA |
| Can a Toyota stretch? No, but a Mercedes-Benz |
| Knock knock Me: Knock knock! Reddit-user: Who's there? Me: To. Reddit-user: To who? Me: To whom* |
| Trump is that lobster smart enough to get out of the saucepan to turn off the heat! Trudeau is the lobster that reaches out for the seasoning! |
| Why did the Mexican take a Xanax? For Hispanic attacks! |
| Having a religion is like having a penis It's okay to have one, but just don't go around shoving it down people's throats. |
| I wish people would stop saying the husbands of the women who marched didn't get a sandwich that day. Have you seen those women? No way any of them have a husband. |
| Why does China like Trump so much? They built a great wall hundreds of years ago and they still don't have any Mexicans. |
| What do you call a Canadian shoe? A boot. |
| Always borrow money from pessimists. They won't expect you to pay them back. |
| At my high school if idiots could fly... it would be a fucking airport. |
| How do you get an grammer nazi's attention? That. That is how. |
| What did the alien say after anally probing the earthling? I come in peace. |
| I play triangle in a reggae band I just stand at the back and ting |
| What did Doctor Who say to his wife? It's bigger when it's inside. |
| Where do the world's most misleading people go to commit suicide? Sahr Chasm |
| Later tonight I might have consensual sex with my wife. ..if she's up for it. |
| "Ain't" is like a Swiss Army knife It's got a lot of uses but you can't use it in school. |
| Why did the cucumber get embarrassed? Because it saw the salad dressing. |
| Trump discovered the lost spice girl... Stupid Spice |
| People told me getting my girlfriend a refridgerator for her birthday present was a bad idea. But her face lit up when she opened it. |
| I never realized how artistic horses used to be Today someone told me there used to be horse drawn carriages everywhere... |
| Diets are like relationships... They get easier if you allow yourself a cheat day |
| What's the difference between men and women? Boobs Ba dum tits. |
| Why do bulemics like Kentucky Fried Chicken? Because it comes with a bucket. |
| What do you call someone with no body or nose? Nobody knows |
| She flew into a Rage and punched me in the jaw!! "I THOUGHT YOU WERE TAKING ME TO CLNIQUE!! Oh honey no. I said I was taking you to a clinic. |
| So I went to see the doctor the other day And told him that I have a poop problem. Doctor: Okay now tell me what's going on. Me: Everyday I poop at 8:00 in the morning Doctor: Okay so what's the problem Me: I wake up at 9. |
| What's similar between people who comment "have an upvote!" and extreme feminists? Nobody cares about either |
| A man with no carnal desires walks into a Freudian psychoanalyst's office The psychoanalyst stops him and says, "hey, buddy, I'm gonna need to see some id." |
| Buzzfeed Top 10 least conductive items! Number 6 won't shock you |
| What do you call a single black mother? A black widow. |
| Did anyone hear what happened to the paraplegic at the disco? He got kicked out for arsing around |
| Eating pasta by myself.. makes me cannelloni. |
| A pirate walks into a bar... With a ships wheel attached to the front of his pants. The bartender says "Hey captain did you know you have a wheel on your crotch?" The captain growls and says "Arg it's driving me nuts!" |
| To Mexicans: why should you stop exporting cheese to America? Because Trump is Nacho President |
| The weird thing about men is that, as they get older the begin wearing their pants higher and higher. My great-grandpa got so old he had to unzip just to talk to us! |
| Remember, an NAND gate is an AND gate... ... but NOT |
| A blind man walks into a bar.... then a table, and then a chair. |
| Annoying Orange has 5 million subscribers, but has long since reached its peak. Now he's president of the United States. |
| Why didn't the bear have any friends? His personality was unbearable! |
| TIL that the guy who played Captain Kirk has set up a chain of clothing shops especially for older ladies. It's called Shatner Pants |
| My wife asked me where I wanted to be buried. Although I'm pretty sure "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she wanted to hear. |
| An old lady at the bank asked me if I could check her balance So I pushed her over |
| Ever wonder how many puppeteers there are in the world? Probably only a handful! |
| My grandpa has the heart of a lion... which is what happens when there aren't enough organ donors. |
| A cabbie was part of the protest #deleteuber and so he drove to JFK. When he got there no one was around. The protesters were all at the airport but he had shown up at JFK's grave. |
| Whats the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating? Your ears |
| There's an emo in my Web Development class, she's doing a website about jewellery Her first page was /Wrists |
| What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? Halfway. |
| What did batman say to robin before they got in the car? "Get in the car." |
| Ladies and Gentlemen... Madeleine McCann! World Hide and Seek Champion 2007! |
| My wife and I were happy for 20 years Then we met each other. |
| Did you hear about the movie Constipation? It hasn't come out yet. |
| What type of fruit is always complaining about their lack of freedom in society? The Cant-eloupe |
| A man walks into a bar... The man is a muslim and the bar is in the U.S. |
| Sometimes I wish I was a baker. Then I would be rolling in dough. |
| Women are like spaghetti... They're straight until they're wet |
| Sometimes my humour grows so dark, It starts gathering cotton in africa. .. I feel awful now. |
| Betsy DeVos passed her Senate Confirmation hearing... and I, for one, am DeVostated. |
| Love is like a Fart If you've got to force it it's probably shit! |
| I'd hate to grow up to be a geologist. Because I'd always be taken for granite. |
| What did the man say after his Tripod fell down for the fifth time in a row? I can't stand this anymore |
| Donald Trump is a good Christian So then can someone explain why he wrote an executive order that literally would ban Jesus (who comes from the middle east)? |
| What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip |
| the best girlfriend What's the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people. |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_15.txt |
|---|
| @@ -0,0 +1,665 @@ |
|---|
| A tranny, Mushit and a black guy are in a burning building and I can only save one of them You kidding me? Why would I risk my life to do that? |
| I saw a girl with 12 nipples the other day.. Sounds funny, Dozen tit? |
| What's a lawyers least favourite PC case. An open case. |
| Republicans love black people! They send millions of them to a place where they get a free room, free rent and a gym membership |
| What does a priest and a silver medalist have in common? They both came in a little behind. |
| What's Jackie Chan's favorite type of car? KIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAA! |
| A nerd joke. Me: look at my graphics card Other person: what's the clock speed Me: it's so high it hertz |
| Why was Hillary Clinton's ass jealous? All the shit was coming from her mouth. |
| Clown walks into a bar... Clown walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a treehouse." Bartender says, "A treehouse, what's in a treehouse?" Clown says, "Playboys and cigars, of course!" |
| The only difference between group sex and group therapy... is that in group therapy you hear about everyone's problems, and in group sex you see them. |
| I asked my friend who is an American diplomat how life was He said he can't complain |
| After crossing which line in Siberia, can you no longer escape it? The evenk horizon |
| When all else fails... ...make All Else 2. |
| TIL there are 189 countries NOT affected by President Trumps Extreme Vetting Executive Order. I guess 7 isn't that bad. |
| How do you know a dog is better than a wife? Lock them both in the trunk of your car and see who is happier to see you after an hour when you let them out. |
| Yesterday my wife told me I was a selfish lover. I was so shocked I nearly choked on my own cock. |
| From the South, but Not Southern People: You're from the south? But you don't have an accent. Me: I know, my parents put me in school. |
| I misheard the Muslim ban as Muslim band I thought either Donald Trump is really into percussion or I've misunderstood. |
| There's a new antidepressant on the market for lesbians. Trycoxagin |
| How do you get a nun pregnant? You fuck her. |
| What did the doctor say to the midget waiting in the lobby? You're going to have to be a little patient. |
| Breitbart news is a lot like my girlfriend Fake. |
| Once I heard a man talking about a cul-de-sac. Turns out he was an Italian with an STD. |
| Betsy DeVos wants to eliminate trigonometry from school math curricula because it teaches our children to sin |
| According to a recent survey, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy. |
| What I hate most about this subreddit: What I hate most about this subreddit: When the first line is the title. |
| Never tell me friction jokes... I just won't let them slide. |
| What did the bottle say to the glass after a long night? Nothing, they were both shattered. |
| I just don't get why so many Trump supporters are into BBW? Seriously though. His supporters even love that big beautiful Jewish one in Israel. |
| How many "Suh Dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. It's already lit fam |
| Why was the mushroom invited to the party? Because he's a fungi. Why was he asked to leave the party? Because there wasn't mushroom. |
| I used to date a girl with a lazy eye... but I dumped her because I could never hit the target. Like the carnival game of getting the water in the clowns mouth. |
| Why is the psychic so confident about the predictions she makes for 3 years out? Because she can see what is going to happen in 2020 crystal clear. |
| People told me the blind people's convention was great. I'm not really seeing it. |
| My shelf has been making weird clicking noises since I bought it it might be a Geiger counter |
| A fat Hawaiian man recently converted to Islam Aloha Snack-bar |
| A judge was arrested after ordering a group of crows confined to an insane asylum. What for? Committing a murder. |
| A young couple are showering together A young couple are showering when the girlfriend says, "Honey I want you to do something naughty." The boyfriend agrees. He then proceeds to drop shampoo in her left eye. |
| A skeleton walks into a bar... ...he orders a beer and a mop. |
| What was the cat amputee's reaction to her successful transplant? It gave her pause |
| What do you call an Arab man without any goats? A virgin. |
| A Vegan goes into a Mcdonalds and says 'I'm hungry but I can't eat anything with a face' The manager comes over. "Sir, by the time we serve your food it hasn't GOT a face". |
| What is a hispanics favorite arcade game? Guac-a-mole. |
| Why did the Death Star destroy the planet? For Alderaan reasons |
| What do Ivanka Trump and JFK airport have in common? Donald wouldn't be happy if a muslim entered either of them. |
| what's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator ? The fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out |
| Breaking News: Coup Underway - Trump takes control of senate and declares martial law! Oh wait... That was Palpatine. False alarm. |
| Heard this one shopping at a mom and pop store. Maybe NSFW Store employee: do you know what slaves and coffee have in common? Me: uhhhhhh. Store employee: They're free! As he pointed to their complimentary coffee. |
| What did the earth say to the other planets? Wow. You guys have no life. |
| The wife and I mixed it up a bit last night... We washed the silverware BEFORE the dishes! |
| What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef but you cant pee soup. |
| What's brown and sits in the forest? Winnie's pooh. |
| I think James A. Garfield Presidency was impactful He really trained for it |
| What is the difference between sand and menstrual fluid? It's difficult to gargle sand. |
| Why did the chicken cross the Mobius loop? To get to the other ... errr ... ummm ... wait ... |
| What is the best way to eat a vegetable? Remove the wheelchair first. |
| Mountains aren't just funny, They are hill areas |
| What's the difference between a Syrian chapel and a Turkish terrorist camp? America will let in people from the terrorist camp. |
| What do you call two stoners getting married? A weeding |
| What do you call a Saudi who doesn't care about current events? Living under Iraq. |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the chicks |
| What did the philosophical whisker say to the other? Man, we've really grown far from our roots. |
| It has been said that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However all the league records were destroyed in a fire, so we will never know for whom the Tells bowled. |
| A man just walked into my house and demanded I feed and water him. Offer him all my hospitality and pay him for watching my TV. I told him to back after Brexit. We don't want to do that in out country anymore. |
| How do you stop a dog from humping your leg.. Pic him up and suck on his dick |
| I tied some rope yesterday It was knot that interesting |
| Did you read the menu? 'Cause all I see is me 'n u |
| In Soviet America... Putin elects you. |
| After years of my mom telling me to bond with my stepdad... We finally bonded over a shared annoyance of her forcing us to do bonding activities. I guess you could call it ironic bonding. |
| An Indian man was recently hospitalised after inhaling too many spices... He spent a month in a korma. |
| I was stealing kitchen utensils last night... And I barely made it out without getting caught. But it was a whisk I was willing to take. |
| A man who walked into the the bar... Then he said to the bartender, "I bet you didn't see the second 'the' in the title, did you?" |
| What's the difference between a rooster, and a whore? A Rooster will wake the farmer with "a Cock a Doodle Doo!" whereas a Whore will wake the farmer as "a Any Cock'll Doo!" |
| Vegans are just as bad as non vegans. Stop drinking water, THATS A *FISHES HOUSE* YOU SICK FUCK! |
| Timmy: Is it a sin to wear shorts? They are so comfortable. Catholic Priest: No, I don't think its wrong to enjoy feeling little boys shorts. |
| Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver. |
| Catch me if you can... ...said the phrase to the other phrase |
| How can I invest in the Mexican airline industry? Call me crazy but once this wall goes up I?ve got a gut-feeling I think that?s one industry that will really be taking off. |
| How are new pants like a sub-par mansion? There's no ball room |
| Why did Steve Bannon call Trump supporters working-class hobbits? Because they're friends with grand wizards. |
| I was gonna masturbate to Ellen. But I just wasn't feeling it. |
| What's black and white and red all over? A sunburnt penguin. |
| I'm looking for a joke about a sandwich I saw the other day so I can repost it... Ah, right sub! |
| Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work. |
| I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. Credit to Steven Wright. |
| What is a Sith Lord's favorite drink at the bar? A Palpitini |
| I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself. When the hell did I get a wife? |
| What do you call a pet Ewok that stays inside? An Endor pet |
| What do you call a formula that can predict Al Gore's dance moves? An Al Gore Rhythm algorithm. |
| Life is like toilet paper... You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole. |
| For every dollar that a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents. That's not fair. The man is only left with 30. |
| Genders are like the twin towers There used to be 2 of them, but now it is a sensitive topic. |
| You know what, those protests changed my mind I thought only some of them didn't have jobs but now I think all of the protestors don't have jobs. |
| I came out of the closet to my mom today but she told me I hadn't completely cleaned up so I had to go back in |
| The audible adverts are telling me to feel every word... But that would make me a literal sex offender |
| Speeding ticket Driver: "What am i supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer: "Keep it, When you get four of them, You get a bicycle!" |
| What kind of cookies do monkeys make? Chocolate chimp cookies |
| I brought a large amount of sperm off the internet last night, I shouldn't of done it but you know what they say, Sex cells |
| Potassium texted Sodium asking to go for coffee Sodium just said Na. Potassium replied K. |
| How do blind people learn about sex? The hands on way |
| I went to the doctors I have been having a lot of trouble reading lately so I went to the doctors. After a few tests he gave me a paper with my diagnosis and I apparently have something called "Lexdysia". |
| On my 16th birthday, my family tried to surprised me with a car But they missed |
| When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute... I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date. |
| How to workers at IHOP start their shift? One foot at a time |
| Have you heard about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field. |
| Why are don't black folks go on cruise? They are not falling for that again. |
| #69: (NSFW) Why did the chicken give her anal? To take her to the other side. |
| One week into his administration, Donald Trump's top aide walks into his office... "Sir, your new policies have been a success. We've already deported three Brazilian immigrants!" "Great, there can't be many left then!" |
| An African man was found lying on the ground with a grain of rice next to him in the morning, what happened? He was vomiting the whole night. |
| What do you call an orangutan holding a spoon? I don't know I was asking you |
| Why does everyone think Trump is gonna start WW3? If anything, with today's weaponry he'd start Cold War Part II |
| Who do you not want to see with a tampon? The Kool-Aid Man |
| Why do gamers say "get shit on"? Because they rectum |
| How many times does 34 go into 16? I don't know, ask Joey Buttafuoco. |
| Which is the most curious planet? Tellus |
| Don't be sad Because sad backwards is das, and das is nicht gut |
| The Chinese are celebrating the year of the rooster Meanwhile the Americans are celebrating the year of the cock |
| I'm guessing Trump has been Rick Rolled too many times ... Because he just gave you up, let you down and deserted you. |
| What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. |
| I knew ED stood for Erectile Disfunction. Just realized it also means Executive Disorder. Pretty much the same thing. |
| A man walks into a bar. A man walks into a bar. His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart. |
| I like my women like I like my steak. Dead. |
| TIL I know more words than Shakespeare Shakespeare. Albatross. Conglomerate. Sasquatch. Carnival. I have more... |
| My wife accused me of being immature... So i told her to get out of my fort, because she didn't know the password. |
| Friends Her: -Do you have any friends? Him: -You bet, all seasons, on DVDs. |
| A woman goes into a forest. If a woman goes into the forest and makes a sound, and there isn't a man there to hear her, is she still wrong? |
| Do you ever get that feeling like your being watched? 'Cause if it's bothering you I'll stop. *Edit*: It's supposed to be you're. I'm know I'm stupid. You can stop telling me. |
| Whats better than winning silver in the special olympics? Not being disabled |
| Smoking seriously harms you and others around you So smoke casually for the sake of public health |
| Why does Beyonce sing "To the left, to the left"? Because she has no rights. |
| Why don't you eat pussy in the morning? You ever tried to open a grilled cheese sandwich? |
| What do Tyler1 and the Earth have in common? They're both perpetually tilted. What's the difference between Tyler1 and Earth? Earth isn't toxic to all known life. : ^ ) |
| So I'm studying..... FOR MY PROSTATE EXAM!!! |
| This must be Reddit's most eco-friendly sub... 99% recycled content. |
| A five year old boy was detained at a US airport for hours because he posed a security threat. Makes sense. What better assassin to kill a 5 year old president? Credit: /u/mattholomew |
| "say his TRUE name 3 times with me children!" "Trumpleforeskin! Trumpleforeskin! Trumpleforeskin!" And just like that, the evil troll in the White House crumpled into a pile of dust! |
| Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they don't C# |
| TIFU by accidentally turning on the speakers connected to my pc (porn) instead of turning on the stereo ones... ...whoops, wrong sub |
| What did the egg say to the frying pan? You crack me up! |
| What do you call a Mexican with no protein? No Whey JosÈ |
| I don't know what's worse... Saying "It will only take 10 seconds" to get my wife to sleep with me or the fact that it's true. |
| When The Devil Tries To Buy My Soul I'm Going To Show Him Pure Evil. Going to give him a 40p card charge |
| What does the Japanese Jesus say after praying? Ramen |
| What do you call 2000 mockingbirds? 2kilo mocking birds. |
| I am thinking of selling my vacuum cleaner. Well...it spends all it's day collecting dust |
| What's our boy Donald's favorite instrument? The *trump*et I'll see myself out promptly |
| What did Trump tell Yates? You're fired. |
| A wife is like a hand grenade... Take off the ring and say good bye to your house. |
| Why did the bear have to go to the hospital Because he was bearly alive! |
| What's the difference between Nazi camp and terrorist camp? Concentration required. |
| What's the difference between a comma and a cat? One has a pause at the end of a clause and the other has claws at the end of its paws. |
| Damn girl, your ass is like a treasure chest. Ah thank you. But why? It's well hidden. |
| Wth is a mellon baller? Is that like a cantaloupe with an uzi? |
| I was at a retro night down at the club The DJ played "The Twist", so I did the twist. Then he played "The Macarena", and I did the Macarena. When he played "Come on Eileen", that's when the police arrested me. |
| My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it." Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches. |
| What do you get when you cross a horror film with a reality TV show? The evening news |
| I asked my friend in North Korea how life was He said he can't complain |
| Say what you like about Hitler, because he's dead and can't complain. |
| You know what kind of tree I would be? A knotty Pine |
| On the eighth day God said: -Widescreen is the best for humanity. Sony 16:9. |
| What does opening an ideal bar and making a woman happy have in common? Take care of 2 things, liquor in the front, poker in the back. |
| A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." |
| The other day Jon Snow was talking about Reddit. It turns out he knows kn0thing. |
| What kind of meat does a catholic priest eat on Friday? Nun |
| How do you turn a normal joke into an american joke? Fucking unnecessarily add "fucking" as much as fucking possible. |
| Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin... Do you know how many animals I had to screw to find that out? |
| Buzzfeeds top 10 list of torture methods Number 7 will shock you |
| What does a horny terrorist do? He blows himself. |
| Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. |
| What's the difference between a grandfather clock and your grandma's favourite breakfast? The letter L |
| If you eat a sub sandwich on a submarine, what do you eat on a train? A pastrainmi sandwich. |
| I asked a sailor for directions to a brothel. [NSFW] He pointed to a building and said "Thar she blows" |
| I went to a library and asked for a book on suicide The librarian replied "Fuck off! You won't bring it back!" |
| Yesterday I crashed my car into a midget He got out and said "I'm not happy" I replied "Which one are you then?" |
| What good did the Trump administration do for the American public? Public health. With all the marches Trump triggers, the average American person has never been more fit |
| Science have confirmed that humans can consume extremely poisonous materials and even drink molten lava **Once** |
| I threw my sandal at the light switch to turn it off, but I missed.. It was a complete flip - flop |
| How is this possible? Whenever I say something bad, I get in trouble, but... Whenever Donald Trump says something bad, he gets more supporters!? |
| What's the difference between Soviet Russia and Deadpool? In Soviet Russia, x find you In Deadpool, X Gon' Give It To Ya |
| What's Donald Trumps favorite song? ICE ICE baby |
| One of the cakes is missing from my German cake stall... ... I'm worried that it was stollen. |
| I hate libras Them and their media are destroying this country! |
| Why isn't Batman black? Because then he wouldn't be able to go to a store without Robin'. |
| If you ever feel like your life is meaningless and pointless Just remember that someone out there is fitting indicators on BMWs |
| What do you call a Chinese anti-vaxxer? Wu Ping Coff |
| What's the difference between a circus and a strip club? The circus has cunning stunts. |
| My name is Ezra. Spelling my name is easy... r, a |
| What's the difference between a Pakistani hospital and a terrorist camp? We don't fund hospitals in Pakistan |
| What's brown and sticky? Crap, I forgot the punchline. |
| What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed? Oh Sheeet! |
| Why has nobody heard of the new band 1023 megabits? They don't have any gigs. |
| What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away. |
| What's the difference between Muslim and a terrorist? I don't know, I just sign executive orders. I'll be here all week. |
| Its not a Muslim ban. Trump: "Its not a Muslim ban there are plenty of other Muslim countries that weren't banned. Its definitely not a Muslim ban" Darth Bannon: "No its not but its a good start" |
| Hi do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool! |
| If you were stranded on a desert island, what would you bring with you? I would take one for the team and bring Donald Trump. |
| They say comedy comes from a dark place. That's why farts are so funny. |
| My son told me he's transgender... So that makes me transparent! |
| What's long and hard and full of seamen? A submarine, you pervs. |
| Hi Reddit. I am David Miller, head of the American Lung Foundation. Asthma anything |
| I know how it feels to be a noble gas. No one wants to bond with me. |
| Why do stars make such good comedians? Because they're gas! |
| Does your asshole every get jealous... Of the amount of shit that comes out of your mouth? |
| Dirty I like my women how i like my wood dead and wet |
| What three, two letter words, mean small? Is it in? |
| Did you hear about the two fruits who wanted to run away and get married? Turns out they cantaloupe. |
| What's an oyster's favorite band? Pearl Jam. |
| January is national stalking awareness month... That crept up on my fast |
| Arguing with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement In the end, you ignore everything and click "I Agree". |
| A Mexican man has been running away from the cops for 3 days... The authorities stated that he is a Juan-ted man |
| If a centi-peed a pint, how much would a precipice piss? A sheer drop. |
| I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday... A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read. |
| I'm reading an interesting book about Electromagnetic Levitation I can't put it down |
| I can think of one benifit global warming might bring... LA will be under water if we keep it up. |
| The Mexican cartel asked a hacker for help Hacker: Sorry guys, I can't crack this. |
| Has anyone tried... Turning Donald Trump off and then on again? |
| BREAKING: Messi has just been substituted by a noob player, these are the words of the coach post-game! "Ah woops, wrong sub" |
| Today I beat my addiction I'm addicted to my wife. |
| Where did Ed's girlfriend go? Sheeran away |
| Whats the difference between a seatbelt and a condom? One of them prevents lives being **lost** in an accident and the other prevents lives being **made** in an accident. |
| Yoda was scared of 7 because..... 6, 78. |
| TIFU by eating my friend's sandwich wrong sub |
| I asked my Mexican friend if he was upset about Trump's wall... He said, "Eh, I'll get over it." |
| Breaking: Spelling Bee Official Pronounced Dead. He then used it in a sentence. |
| [NSFW] How many times in your life have you masturbated? Beats me |
| Did you hear? The toilet was stolen at my local police station. The cops have nothing to go on. |
| They say America runs on Dunkin... That's why I always risk my life crossing 3 busy lanes of traffic for my large iced, extra extra. |
| Today Trump consulted his alter ego about lifting the ban.. Yep, Bannon. |
| NSFW-My wife asked me to spice things up in the bedroom Apparently pouring cayanne pepper up her snatch isn't what she had in mind. |
| What's the difference between a dead baby and a apple? I don't ejaculate on a Apple before I eat it. |
| Have you heard that joke about Helen Keller? Don't worry, she didn't, either. |
| What?s the difference between a gold-plated Ferrari and free-range chicken ranch? The chicken ranch has the cocks on the outside. |
| I hate talking with Jewish people It really takes me out of Mein Kampfort zone! |
| Have you heard about the hobo gangster? Word on the street is he's roofless. |
| Who has killed more indians than John Wayne? Union Carbide Corporation |
| What do you call the front page political tooting on reddit? Trumpit |
| Age is just a number... wrong, its a word |
| Playing Pinball at an Arcade I was playing pinball while in an arcade, I guess I was doing good because a little kid was watching me. My ball got stuck, and the kid saw, and shook the machine causing the game to think I was cheating. I was so tilted. |
| "Hold my beer." -2017 |
| We, the American people have a great sense of humor. Have you seen our President? |
| Someone stole my mood ring, And I don't know how to feel about it. |
| A fish went swimming. And it drowned. *My 4 year old daughter has just told me her first "joke". She finds it hilarious. "You get it? Fish cant drown. Thats funny!" I'm worried.. |
| What's the difference between a Taliban Outpost and a Pakistani School? I don't know, why don't you ask the 50 drone pilots on this sub? |
| What is a pirates favorite toy?? Aarrrh sea boats. |
| I like my women how I like my ice cream... Rich, thick, and occasionally headache-inducing. |
| What do you get when you cross professor trelawney with human rights issues? American sybill liberties union |
| Anybody see that movie about the dog who befriends a dolphin? A Dog's Porpoise |
| Can't find any batteries for my vibrator What a buzz kill! |
| Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it. |
| The sandwich walked into the bar The sandwich walked into the bar. It sat on the counter and asked for a banana. The waiter said, "Sorry Sir, we don't serve food here." |
| Have you heard about the new movie where Donald Trump becomes a bug? It's called "President Weevil" |
| How many members of a given ethnic group does it take to change a lightbulb? A finite number! One to to change the bulb, the rest to act in a manner stereotypically derogatory to their ethnicity! |
| On Pokemon Go, I caught a rare Pepe the Frog. It unexpectedly evolved into Pee Pee the President... It learned Water Gun, Heal Block, and Can't Escape. |
| Why is a Cadillac like a Woman? Cause when it's cold in the morning and you need them the most....they won't turn over.........z |
| Have you heard the people who pronounce 'Pangea' with a hard 'g' instead of the soft one? For the confused, I'm talking about consonantal drift. |
| What's a ninja's favorite band? Five Finger Death Punch |
| Did you know using too many commas is now illegal.... You can end up with a very lengthy sentence. |
| You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody? That's common sense leaving your body. Edit: now I know what people mean when they say "RIP inbox". |
| What did the moose say after leaving a gay bar??? Man, I cant believe i just blew 50 bucks in there |
| Who was Bill Cosby's favorite character in the 1991 film "Hook"? RUFIO! RUFIO! RU-FI-OOO! |
| I used to wear polarized glasses until I released they made me focus too far to the left or the right... |
| So the creator of Pac Man died today... I guess he's the ghost now. |
| What do spinach and hard anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult. |
| If John Cena stars in a cooking show,what would it be called? Snackdown Live |
| What comes after 69? Mouthwash |
| You're so fat That when you were born there was a birthquake. |
| I like my women how I like McAfee antivirus Disabled. |
| Why did the pie go to the dentist? It needed a filling. |
| I'm a man of strong convictions. The District Attorney in this town is pretty good. |
| I'm dating a palm tree. It's nothing serious though. Just fronds with benefits. |
| What's black and white and red all over? The slowest zebra on the prairie. |
| What to you call an Asian lady's private parts? A vachina. |
| There was a blackout in neighborhood last night... Police told us to wait until they shot him. |
| What does Kellyanne Conway eat for lunch? Alternative snacks |
| I heard Starbucks is trying to hire a lot more refugees Those poor art majors are going to suffer, then |
| A brother and sister are fucking in her room when their dad walks in... And says, "You slut, you're just like your mother!" |
| Yesterday a clown held the door open for me I thought it was a nice jester |
| When asking a basic white girl if she wants some Starbucks, the short answer will always be "yas" The long answer is probably going to be "yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas" |
| Nintendo Switch to PC. |
| Whats got 2 legs and bleeds? half a cow. |
| What should the real name for a colonoscopy be? A colonoscopoo. |
| After the recent political events all my friends were like "we're going to rally" And I was like why are you going to North Carolina there's nothing to do there it's so boring. |
| Anyone ever try Canadian Bacon? I hear it's the nicest bacon around. |
| What's the difference between Harry Potter's best friend and his pot? Nothing, they're both cauldron. |
| I just read a funny joke about the movie Ground Hog Day... I just read a funny joke about the movie Ground Hog Day... |
| What do a lover and an electric guitar have in common? You'll get a lot of feedback if you're not fingering them correctly. |
| How are morbidly obese people and child molesters alike? Both want to get into smaller pants. |
| What d'you get if you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito? You can't cross a scalar with a vector. |
| How do drug dealers get punished by Islamic-Extremist Terrorist in the Middle East? They get stoned. |
| The guy who used to bully me in middle school still takes my lunch money. On the other hand, he makes great Subway sandwiches. |
| I wanted to study Computer Science but then I stopped... Turns out its just a sudo science. |
| What's the difference between a oral and rectal thermometer? The taste |
| What's the difference between someone who makes wooden furniture and someone who does paint jobs? One is a carpenter and one is a car painter |
| At this point... AIDS is worried about testing positive for Trump. |
| How do spiders find significant others? They use a web-based dating service. |
| A man with intellectual difficulties is in a basement staring at the door. Downstairs at the door. |
| What do you tell a German who wants to know the time? Nine. |
| Little Johnny: Mommy, what's a transsexual? Mom: I think you should ask Aunt Dave that question. |
| I got in touch with my inner self today. Thats the last time I'm buying 1 ply toilet paper at the dollar store. |
| I have the body of a 20 year old model, But it takes up too much room in my freezer. |
| I tried to cheer my mentally challenged friend up... ...but I guess I shouldn't have said "Don't let an extra chromosome get you down." |
| How is called the president of a packaging company? The Boxx |
| What's the difference between a normal shower and a golden shower? I don't drink everything that comes out of the spout of a normal shower. |
| Why was Peach mad at Mario? He forgot to delete his Bowser history. |
| What do you call someone with a rubber toe? Roberto |
| [NSFW] what did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip. |
| How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? One |
| TIL that Fedex is soon to acquire rival company UPS. After the merger it will be called Fed-Up! |
| What do you call a particularly crabby Chinese grandma? A crust-asian. ^(I'm sorry....) |
| What does a pimp use to water his plants? Hoes |
| What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaayyyy What does a black horse eat? Hay motherfucker! |
| Why did the duck go to rehab? (Different answer than normal) He wanted to quack down on his drug usage. |
| So a priest walks into a bar... Looks at the ugly walls, and says to the bartender: "My son, you must repaint". |
| My girlfriend said she was "Bi". Little did I know she meant bipolar... |
| Why was the father of a transgender invisible? Because he was a transparent! |
| You look like Helen Brown. I look better in blue. |
| I JUST SAW A SEA COW CHANGING COLOR!! OH THE HUE MANATEE!! |
| Food is like dark humor Not everyone gets it. |
| A guy walks into a bar... Ouch. |
| Do you want to here a joke about the Jonestown Massacre? It has quite the Punch Line. edit: *hear. I blame autocorrect. |
| Whats the differebce between an Afghani Military Base and a Pakistani Elementary School? I don't know, I just fly the drone. |
| How is light beer like having sex in a canoe on the river? Both are fucking close to water. |
| Why can't a blonde dial 911? She can't find the 11. |
| What did Gordon Freeman experience when he turned 40? A Half Life crisis. |
| If you have to work tomorrow, call in sick. If your boss says "Well you don't sound sick." Say, "Well I'm fucking my sister; that sound sick enough for ya?" |
| There comes a time in a man's life when he has to choose: either stand up for what he believes, or stay down on his knees. On mass, that time comes about a hundred times, and the decision is always made out of peer pressure. |
| [Politics] Trump: 'The less immigrants we bring in the better' Pence: 'The fewer' Trump: 'I told you not to call me that yet' |
| How many Poles need to cut tree? 96 and a plane. |
| what's the difference between a black man and a box of donuts one of them's already full of holes before the cops see them |
| What's the best computer for producing music? A Dell. |
| Why didn't the Cannibal eat the Politician? Because he was full of shit. |
| I was going through my wardrobe, trying to select a suit for my grandmother's funeral. I said, "What shall I wear?" "I don't really care," said my mum. "As long as you don't you stick out." It's not easy being a necrophiliac. |
| Did you know that Trump is writing a book? It's called "My Struggle" |
| My son didn't want to study So I teached him a lesson |
| Who built King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference |
| It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious. |
| Here's to virgins Thanks for fucking nothing. |
| Someone gave a handjob to Albert Einstein... What a stroke of genius! |
| What do you call a black guy eating KFC? A bandwagonner. |
| Q: Why did God invent colour blindness? A: So someone will fancy the ginger kids. |
| People always ask me what my wife does for a living, but it's just too hard for me to say. You see... She sells sea shells by the sea shore. |
| What would the Greek gods have been like without their leader? Zeusless. |
| Trump Executive Order #16 Trump: From now on, 2+2 will equal 5. Reuters: But that can't be right, 2+2=4. We proved that, too! Trump: You can say 2+2=4, but this is alternative math. |
| I've got an annoying habit of quoting Elton John lyrics... ...I hope you don't mind. |
| Have you read Donald Trump's book, The Art of the Deal? It has four chapter 11s. |
| Quitting smoking is sooooo easy, I do it all the time. |
| My wife called me at work today. "Honey, do you want to come home at lunch for a quickie?" "Sarah, it's pronounced Quiche." |
| What did Guinevere say to king Arthur after sex? "You Camelot". |
| Imagine there was a government agency called Planned Parenthood that euthanized old racists. |
| Women are turning into good drivers! So if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning! |
| A Buddhist asks a hot dog vendor to "Make me one with everything." The Buddhist gives him a fifty and the vendor just pockets it. The Buddhist asks for change and the vendor replies, "Change comes from within." |
| My favorite english writer is Dickens JK Rowling |
| Many people say we are what we eat Yet the same people say that cannibals act like animals. |
| What is Donald Trump's favorite video game? *Papers, Please* |
| What's a Ghosts favorite porn? Boo-Kake |
| A hotel owner, radio host, and a banker walk into the situation room. Fuck. |
| My girlfriend was sad that her dog died so I went out and got her an identical dog Then she said "what the hell am I going to do with two dead dogs? |
| Had a blood test the other day. I did really well, A+ |
| Life found on Mars!! The rover Curiosity found what appears to be an early marsupial ancestor of the American possum. Unfortunately, the rover Opportunity ran over it the day before. |
| No matter how good are you doing something There's always an asian that can do it with eyes closed. With love, An auto-racist Asian |
| What is this new band everyone is talking about? Some muslim band is all over the news! |
| I'm torn: on the one hand, I absolutely hate xenophobia, sexism, and racism on the other hand, orange is my favorite color. |
| What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller |
| A grape threw a huge outdoor party on a hot, sunny day... It was raisin' the roof. |
| Two prisoners wanted to escape prison... But there were a 100 fences between them and freedom, they decided to jump the fences. when they had jumped 99 fences one of them says "i'm tired, let's go back". |
| How do you know a rapper was raised by lesbians? "Yo I gotta give a shoutout to my moms." |
| I'm going to set up a Kickstarter for all the trump protestors... Not to donate to them, for them to donate to me. That way I can afford to take off work and do something as meaningful...like rocket league or GTA online |
| Middle East theme song oh ohhhh... I'm an alien... I'm a legal alien... I am Iranian getting kicked out of New York... |
| I asked my Biology professor if he had any patients. He didn't seem too thrilled with me after that... |
| I'm an auto mechanic... So I can safely say I don't understand the gay agenda. But I do understand the Trans mission. |
| A father was reading a Bible story to his young children He said: ?The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.? His son asked, ?What happened to the flea?? |
| What would happen, if IT technic became a doctor? Patient: I can't bend my knee. Doctor: [*bends his knee*] Weird, works fine for me. |
| What's mexican for fucked ? Deported |
| I finally convinced mom to watch anime to prove it's not childish and immature at all. But it's weird to watch hentai with your parents. |
| I finished eating lunch No joke just wanted to tell someone. |
| Where can I buy donkey hide as a gift? Ass skin for a friend |
| What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a terrorist camp? I don't fucking know I'm just a drone pilot |
| What do you call an elf that won't shut up? Gobby. |
| AN ODD TALE There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died. Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd." |
| When I was young I asked my mum what a couple was she said,"oh two or three." And she wonders why her marriage didn't work. |
| I walked into a bar... and I said to the Bartender: *Bartender, may I please have a Rum and Coke?* The bartender replied: *I'm sorry, we only have Pepsi, is that okay?* I replied: *That's fine.* So he poured me a Pepsi and Coke. |
| I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey. But I turned myself around. |
| What's the difference between American Women and Muslim Women? The American Women gets stoned before she has sex |
| Why were there so many protestors in CA this weekend? Because they were able to turn all that new water into whine. |
| Two muffins are in the oven. One muffin says to the other "It sure is hot in here". The other exclaims " AHHHH! A talking muffin!" |
| I've searched high and low for my brother's killer but nobody is willing to do it. |
| Menstruation jokes aren't funny. They're bloody hilarious! |
| My new bank is awesome. It's called condensation savings and loan. They give credit where credit is dew. Edit: typo. |
| My wife and I made a deal that whoever woke up first on our anniversary, would have to wake the other with oral sex... I still don't know why she woke up screaming with my dick in her mouth. |
| Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump-dump-dump! |
| Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence. |
| What's the difference between a thief and a comedian? At least thieves are known for stealing other people's shit. |
| called UPS in Germany today to ask when they were shipping my Oculus Rift they said "VR ready" |
| According to the Chinese Zodiac it is the Year of the Cock. So it makes perfect sense that Donald Trump is president. |
| Little Johnny: "Grandma, make a sound like a Frog." Grandma: "Why?" Little Johnny: "Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak." |
| I'm about to eat lunch. No joke just wanted to tell someone. |
| Why don't black people go on cruises? They're not falling for that one again! |
| My wife's ass smells like sardines and old milk. I'm not joking. |
| Women are like grapes. Some age like fine wine. Some age like raisins. |
| I did some shrugs in the gym. After someone asked me, "What are you doing here?" |
| How does the karate kid train with his girlfriend? Wax on, fap off. |
| A muslim walks into US Just kidding |
| If God called your cell phone, would you answer? Yes, but only to ask why my dick is so small.... Why God Whyyyyyyyyy why do I have such a small dick!? |
| I could never go to acting school... There's way too much drama. |
| Life is like a box of chocolates... ...You're probably not going to finish it all if you're diabetic. |
| what is the stupidest animal in the jungle? The Polar Bear... |
| What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros? Hell if I know. Edit: 'Elephino. |
| What's Batman's favourite PokÈmon? Cubone, because they both don't have parents :( |
| My wife was wondering if we should wash dishes by hand, in order to save a little money. I figure that using the dishwasher uses more electricity, but less water. So overall it's a wash. |
| Why did the Triceratops die out? Because they couldn't find any Tricerabottoms. |
| As Dumbledore stood there stroking his wand Harry regretted transferring to Catholic School |
| What's the difference between a pizza and a hoe? You don't pick the crust off a pizza before you eat it |
| Becoming a vegetarian... Is a huge missed steak. |
| Before my Girlfriend moved in I had one night stand... Things are getting pretty serious, we now have two night stands. |
| Why do feminists hate the postal service? Because they deliver straight white mail. |
| There are 10 types of people in this world The ones who understands binary and the ones who don't. |
| A stoned bird A stoned bird was flying when it hit a moving car. The driver stopped, found the bird and took it home to treat it. When the bird is awake in his new cage, he looked around and thought: the jail?!! Did the driver die? |
| What school did Darth Vader attend? Univer-sith-y ... I'll let myself out. |
| If history has taught us anything, then it the fact that human beings cant take care of the world and its all down to shit. So let's try a monkey to govern us all - every Trumpling |
| My wife messed with my charging cable... I was shocked. |
| What did one hat say to the other? You stay here, I'm going on ahead. |
| Ocean's 8 is expected to come out in late 2017 but probably won't be ready until at least 30 minutes after that |
| What do you call your Japanese wife? A rice cooker. |
| What is the difference between M&Ms and America? M&M got rid of the tan ones years ago |
| If the green man lives in the green house, the red man lives in the red house and the blue man lives in the blue house. Who lives in the white house? The orange man |
| How did the Chinese Vicar introduce herself? By singing "I'm Asian Grace." |
| How do you elope? You can't. |
| Why was Hadrian so popular? Because he built a huge wall to keep the invaders out. |
| Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They are making headlines. |
| What would you call it if Natalie Portman starred in Lorenzo's Oil? Lack Schwann |
| I was a smoker for 10 years until I decided to quit cold turkey I never thought to heat it up. |
| My dad told me about the birds and the bees today... Then he gave me a broom and told me to clear them out of the attic. |
| What did one earthquake say to the other? Was that your fault or mine? |
| Snow Day! I get to stay home owl day. It's gonna be a hoot. |
| I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta Now it's a Ford Focus |
| As a terrorist what would Willy Wonka scream before he carried out an attack? Nougat Chocolatebar! |
| Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field =? |
| What is Trumps favorite movie? Minority Report! |
| Donald Trump always has his partner be on top during sex. Because he can only fuck up. |
| Our son was a by-product of a raunchy night in the back of a car. With one very open-minded taxi driver. |
| I went to the local store and I asked... "How much for a dead battery?" I asked. He responded, to my delight. No charge. |
| Some newspapers and celebs have compared Trump to Hitler... Nazi's are outraged. |
| What does a stripper do with her asshole everyday before work? Drops him off at band practice |
| My girlfriend was unhappy that I referred to her as sloppy seconds but she was even more unhappy with Lady Leftovers |
| What did the seal go to school for? Art art art! |
| What kind of bagel can fly? A plain bagel. |
| Most people have a family tree, but I have a family cactus. Because mine is full of pricks. |
| How to fix America? Unplug the power cord wait 10 seconds, plug it back again. See if it works. |
| Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy? No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills |
| How do you know when you're at a gay picnic? NSFW All the hotdogs taste like shit |
| I once dated a biologist. I don't like to brag, but I always provided her with multiple organisms to keep her happy. |
| Capitalism has many problems but communism only has 3 - Breakfast - Lunch - Dinner |
| Facebook, I am not a social media person. Facebook: But- Me: FACEBOOK, I AM NOT A SOCIAL MEDIA PERSON. YOU ARE REFUSING TO HELP. GOODBYE. *Deletes Facebook, hits the gym, lawyers up, checks himself into psych ward* |
| Birds for sale... All of them are going cheap! |
| Why Didn't Gandhi's Broken Arm Repair? Because he fought the Caste system |
| Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing. |
| "Give it to me! Give it to me! I'm so wet!" She screamed. "No," I replied, "it's my umbrella." |
| Scientists have finally ruled out cats from any upcoming Mars missions cuz curiosity! |
| For sale: Second hand toilet paper. |
| Double Negatives ...are no-nos. |
| What do you call the strongest day of the year? The Summer Swollstice |
| What do you call a dildo traveling through space at the speed of light? Genital warps. |
| I've attended anger management classes before... ... it was soon after my dads first Alcoholics Anonymous group. "Dad," I said, "there are a lot of angry people." My dad replied, "There are a lot of angry drunks, too!" |
| What kind of photo doesn't dissolve in water? A non-Polaroid. |
| Do you know what a girl says when she gets a big dick inside her? no ? neither do I. |
| Doctor : How is your headache? Man : She is fine. |
| Why don't people like communists? Because they have no class |
| Why was the blondes belly button all red and bruised? Because her BF was a blonde too. |
| Our local brothel just went out of business... all they left us was a sign in the window... Said "Beat it... we're closed" |
| I hate restaurants that have quirky and confusing ways of displaying men and woman bathroom signs. I mean, what am I?!? Am I a kitchen or an exit? |
| What's the difference between Donald Trump and Donald Duck? There is a human being inside of Donald Duck. |
| I called my son "a bloody disappointment to this family", and my wife burst into tears Apparently I shouldn't joke about miscarriage. |
| My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible I didn't even know it was her birthday! |
| Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!" |
| Where do lesbians like to camp? In a femi-nest. |
| I didn't understand why Obama had to give speeches behind bulletproof glass, I mean he's black and all but I doubt he would have shot anyone. |
| What does a rich Iraqi say at a bar mitzvah? Mosul Toff! |
| What is the worst Israeli senior citizens resort? Jewrassic Park |
| What's a four letter word pertaining to females ending in -unt? Aunt! |
| A 16 year old blonde is dinning with her parents Blonde: Oh by the way I¥m pregnant Parents (simultaneously): You¥re WHAT!?! Blonde: Geez relax and eat a chill pill, I¥m not even sure it¥s mine |
| One chemist tells his colleague: "Dude, I created a superconductive alloy out of Potassium, Nobelium and Tungsten!! I'm going to make millions off of it!" The other chemist, jealous, says with a sigh,"Yes, I KNoW." |
| What's the fastest thing on land? Stevie Wonder's speedboat |
| My pencil isn?t prone to making Freudian Slips but my penis |
| A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone. The husband is surprised, "Wow, that was quick - usually you girls are at it for two hours at least!" "Yeah, well, it was a wrong number." |
| Big explosion at the cheese factory earlier.... There was de brie everywhere. |
| There's a new Indian open on a boat on the canal round corner from my house... ...It's called the Onion Barge. |
| My grandpa has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the local zoo |
| My grandma and I were face timing with a bad connection So she says, "hold on, let me open the door to let some WiFi's in." True stories can be jokes too.. |
| There is a movie about premature ejaculation Coming Soon, now in theaters. EDIT: Just let me try again changing a couple of words EDIT 2: I swear this is the first time that this has happened |
| What do Donald Trump and Gordon Ramsay have in common? They both have a cabinet full of potatoes. |
| I think my wife has a blind fetish... Last night she said she doesn't think we should see each other anymore. |
| What's it called when you cut off Leonardo DiCaprio's head DiCapritation |
| I like military puns Generally, they're very funny. |
| A blind man walks into a bar... And a table... then a chair... |
| Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral But not my Sister. |
| Someone stole my mood ring... I'm not sure how I feel about that.... |
| Many people say a diploma is just a piece of paper. I as an educated person beg to differ It's a piece of cardboard. |
| To some people, the words "Do Not Touch" leave them terrified Especially when it's written in Braille. |
| I hate those cocky Russian Nesting dolls They are always full of themselves |
| Volkswagon were pretty dumb to name one of their cars 'Golf' Why name a car after a slow and boring sport where the hardest part is driving |
| Did you hear the one about the lovelorn college professor? He always put the course before the heart. |
| A video of a groundbreaking bowler goes viral He still had to pay to fix the bowling lane though |
| At the disco: "So whats a cute girl like you doing all by herself?" "I had to fart" |
| Why did Matt get a Ticket? He's a speed Damon. |
| And the Lord said onto John... "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life" But John came fifth, and got a toaster... |
| Two fish swim into a concrete wall One turns to the other and says, "Dam!" |
| Two muffins are standing in an oven Two muffins are standing in an oven, One turns to the other and says; "Boy, sure is hot in here." To which the other one replies; "OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!" |
| Reddit is a really green community, ...considering all the recycled content on here. |
| What do you call a Mexican Midget? A paragraph because he's too short to be an ese |
| What do you call beautiful people in india ? Tourist |
| Roses are red, violets are blue. When it comes to flower colours, the person who made this has no clue. |
| A black guy wakes up from a coma He asks what happened. The nurse says "You blacked out" |
| A man named Eric Cole... ... discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes. He's calling this correlation Cole's Law. |
| The girl i am dating, slapped me and told me to fuck off. Told her she was a gold-digger.. Apparently, that's not a good way to call someone who work in mines, digging gold. |
| Go Karting with a Muslim coworker Muslim coworker: We should organise a go karting day out, I went on the weekend and it was really fun! Dan: That's a good but isn't it dangerous? Jack: As long as you don't go in Ram-a-dan. |
| Donald Trump is our first POSOTUS Peice Of Shit Of The United States. |
| Recently a new casino opened in Tokyo (Japan)... It is called "Pokermon Go" |
| A man with 2 extra testicles removed them himself with a knife without anaesthesia Doing that takes some balls |
| How can you tell if a hamburger was grilled in space? It's a little meteor. |
| "I'm not cumin!" Said Caraway. |
| I've done jail time for my love of fruit.. I'm a convicted grapist. |
| Tobacco companies kill their best customers And condom companies kill their future customers. |
| Why wouldn't the lobster share his toys? Because he was... shellfish. hahahaha |
| A sandwich and a kit Kat walk into a bar at 9-31..... ....barman says "I'm sorry, we don't serve snacks after 9pm" |
| What is Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 |
| A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman - "Which book has helped you most in your life?" The woman replied - "My husband's cheque book !! |
| Why did the company fire all of its Liberal employees and hire a bunch of illegal immigrants and Muslim refugees? The illegal immigrants and Muslim refugees actually came to work while all the Liberals shirked work to go hold signs and shout at people. |
| I was asked how I view lesbian relationships Apparently 'in HD' isn't the correct answer. |
| Shortest joke a software developer can tell: ?I?ll be ready soon.? |
| What you can get with 57 000¨? A home for a refugee. Or a shit ton of beer |
| Matthew McConaughey set to guest edit Breibart news next week Alt-Right Alt-Right Alt-Right |
| What place is cleaner when Israeli Tourists get out than when they get in? A Hotel Room. |
| Jack,"Our relationship is over." Jane,"Our relationship is what? Over." |
| "Hand me downs" Apparently not the right way to ask the wife to hand me our disabled baby. |
| What's this I hear about a new Muslim band?? Is this something kind of explosive death metal! |
| Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable |
| What is Donald Trump's favorite word in Sign Language ddfffffddffddfffddffddddfffff |
| What's the difference between Hitler and Trump? The mustache. |
| Teacher: whoever answers ............. Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I?m going home now. |
| My mom won't let me eat while using her laptop anymore... Because when she caught me stroganoff I dropped my pennes on the keyboard. |
| The electromagnetic wave arrived at the hotel, when the hotelier asks... "Do you have any baggage to check in?" - "No, I'm traveling light." |
| I fell asleep at a party I fell asleep at a party the other night and someone put a teabag in my mouth. I went fuckin mental. No one treats me like a mug |
| My gay friend really despises of fruit He cannot stand the sight of a mango. |
| The different between Donald Trump and Hitler If anybody can think of one! Pm me and I'll write it in this little space here -----> [ ] |
| I asked my shrink what we could work on to deal with my grandma's passing. She said mourning would help. I said, "No thanks, I'm married." |
| A lot of folks are concerned that Trump is president given the status of minorities. But don't forget: Orange be the new black, baby. |
| Why was the diamond depressed? He had been under a lot of pressure lately. |
| GNU/Linux can't run Photoshop.. unless you offer it WINE. Else you will remain stuck with a GIMPed system. |
| I finally got the "why did the chicken cross the road" joke The chicken dies and goes to the other side... it took me 19 years to get that joke... |
| What so you call an actor who paid of his house Mortgage freeman (i know its bad) |
| We need immigrants to do jobs that Americans don't want to do... As two thirds of Trump's wife are immigrants |
| I got asked why I don't have a girlfriend... "Don't need one" I replied "My bank account goes down on me everyday" |
| Pirate walks into a bar Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender says "Hey Mr. Pirate, ya know you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate says "Yarrrrr, it's driving me nuts." |
| We never saw it coming. Psychiatrist: You have paranoid schizophrenia. Patient: Who! Me or me? |
| Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours. - Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour. As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says: - Gorgonzola! - Wait, it is not on yet. |
| I tried to give myself a sex change... ...but I couldn't pull it off. |
| Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field. |
| What's the difference between a tiny penis and a joke? My date didn't laugh at my jokes. |
| Did you hear about the Italian that died? He pasta way |
| Why cant you play cards on a rowboat? Because you're sitting on the deck... |
| Whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face. |
| Miss France just won Miss Universe The French finally won something. |
| Doctor: Hi, how are you? Patient: I'm well thanks. Doctor: Then get the fuck out. |
| Why did Carrie Fisher cross the road? She didn't... She's dead. |
| A close friend of mine asked me "What do you look for in a girl?" And I said "My dick, and if it's not there then that's gonna change." |
| People don't realize Trump is the healthiest president in our history. He's been training his whole life to run the aryan race. |
| What's the difference between a bag of coke and a toddler Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of coke fall out a window |
| How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her |
| When I grow up and have kids... I think I will stay a virgin to set a good example. |
| Stop it with the 9/11 jokes, my dad died in 9/11 His last words were "Allahu Akbar" |
| Trump's wives were immigrants. Proving again that immigrants will do jobs Americans won't. |
| Guy runs out of gasoline. Nearest gas station in 20 miles out, so he unzips and fills up with pee. Cop driving by stops him and asks is this normal? nope its super. . |
| Why don't you ever see a crow as roadkill? They always have another crow as a lookout saying "car, car, car" |
| Breaking news...Justin Trudeau just announced a plan to build a wall between the US and Canada, with the US paying for the fence. ...yeah just as fucking stupid as as it sounds:( |
| My girlfriend is like the square root of -100 A perfect 10, but completely imaginary. |
| What gets wetter the more it dries? "What?", says the interrogation suspect. "Not this." |
| I said to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hairback Apparently thats an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient |
| North Korea bans sarcasm What a great idea! |
| What do you call a difficult problem in chemistry? A chemystery. |
| Why aren't we letting Islamic people get off at airports? I thought we wanted to keep them off our planes, not on them. |
| Just got back from Chernobyl And boy are my legs arms! |
| What did OSHA say about this joke? NSFW |
| A sodium ion went to rob a bank. It was charged, without a doubt. |
| What did the Kool-aid man say about Donald Trump's proposal? OH Yeaaaaaaa! |
| What's brown and sticky? A stick. I wood've thought of something more original, but I tree-ly can't be bothered, so here you go. |
| You know what the worst part is about dating a Japanese girl? If I ever decide to break up with her I will have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message |
| There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny. |
| What do all pharaohs have in common? Toot. |
| Today I went to the protest The protesters aren't going to mace themselves |
| How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but how in the hell did they get in there? |
| A traveling companion. A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and orders, "I'll have a pint, please. And one for the road." |
| Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I" Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. |
| How dare you say I'm dumb! Would a dummy get a 'A' on there IQ test? Hmm? |
| I think these protesters are sending the wrong message... because they keep telling me to Love Trump's Hate. |
| One of the most important skill my parents taught me is... How to tell what is junk mail and real mail. |
| Trump says "The less immigrants we let into our country the better!" Pence, correcting Trump, says "The Fewer" Trump says "Whoa Mike don't call me that just yet" |
| If there's a sock on my doorknob... It means I'm having sex with the other one. |
| A country that shares borderlines with 10 other countries cannot be entered because it is made of limits |
| Mike Rowe Penis Women have told me I have a Mike Rowe penis. I guess it must be because they think it's pretty strong and does dirty jobs... but I think it's a little small myself. |
| Two guys sit at a bar... One says to the other "I've got really bad news." "What is it?", the friend replies. "I'm HIV positive". "Really?!, that's terrible. Is there anything I can do?". "Yea, can you tell your wife as soon as you get home". |
| The orphanage i run, burned down today with the lives of sixty children Thank fuck i don't have to tell their parents .... |
| Back in my day we used to only have chalkboards. The new whiteboards they use are Remarkable |
| I rather have a bottle of soda for President than Donald Trump. This way, we could truly have a Liter of the Free World. |
| Next time somebody calls your home phone... Say "Can I call you back? I'm driving." |
| A man asked me, which is worse, ignorance or apathy? I told him, "I don't know, and I don't care." |
| All of these reposts are like kids with cancer They never get old. |
| Which is better a stool or a box to stand on? You stand on a stool, though I prefer the ladder |
| I called the ASPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road "Are they moving?" asked the operator "Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase" |
| Pasteurize: Too far to see. |
| What do you call a Pokemon who is trying to quit smoking? Vaporeon |
| Going to work My boss told me yesterday, ?Don?t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want?. But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, the bastard said I was fired. |
| What do alcoholics and necropheliacs have in common? They both love to crack open a cold one. |
| In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better. |
| Whats more offensive than black face? Orange face. |
| Favorite math topics of Karma Whores Multiplication and derivatives |
| Photons aren't Catholic. No mass. |
| It's like we're living in a video game... "President Evil" |
| My girlfriend told me I look "uncool" with a bike helmet on.. Well you know I'd rather look uncool than fall and split my head open during sex. |
| Mary Tyler Moore died this week. She didn't make it after all... |
| Two old friends are camping. [nsfw] In bed, in the dark : "Are you jerking off? -Yeah. -Would you mind jacking your own dick?" |
| A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns... But I soon realized that toucan play at that game |
| How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's an obscure number. You've probably never heard of it. |
| My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic... But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord. |
| I had a cocaine? joke, but now I can't find it It makes me really mad because I had it all lined up |
| Why doesn't communism work in a school enviroment? Because everyone would get the same Marx. |
| I was appalled to learn about Hitler's uprising. Anne Frankly, I did Nazi that coming. |
| Got in a fight with my boner this morning; Don't worry i beat it single handedly. |
| What is the difference between Courtney Love and a porcupine? A porcupines needle won't give you AIDS |
| What do you call a horse with a horn and no balls? A Eunuchorn |
| Why did the farmer start a punk rock band? He was tired of Haulin' Oats |
| Why did Colonel Sanders keep his eleven herbs and spices a secret? Because he was ashamed of them |
| Why was Britney Spears addicted to the cocaine? Because Kevin fed her lines |
| Redditors are like alchemists. They try to turn their nonsense into gold. |
| Why was the chef fired from the restaurant? He was caught cooking the books |
| What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Donald Trump? Bill fucked fewer people in the Oval Office. |
| What's the difference between Courtney Love and the American flag? It's not proper to piss on the American flag |
| What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? 1 less drunk |
| The weather forecast is looking pretty bad over in Germany. There's a high chance of heil. |
| Mexicans are upset over Trump's wall. A lot of Mexicans are upset over Trump's planned wall. I hope they get over it. |
| What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza. Pizza can have pepperoni, Jews can't. |
| Did you hear about the Australian guy that was dancing with my computer? He was waltzing my tilde. |
| What do you call a Nazi cetacean? Adolfin. |
| My wife bought a new plant for for the house. I didn't like it at first... ...but it's starting to grow on me. |
| My neighbor caught me peeing on his lawn after a snow storm. Don't tell me not to pee on your lawn. This is my lawn, see, it's got my name on it! |
| Why is it so loud in Costco? Everything comes in high volumes. |
| I was bored with my life, and wanted to change something. I changed my mind. |
| My friend asked me, "Where's my book of opera puns?" I said, "It's overture house." |
| Did you hear about trumps wall? I can't tell you, you might not get over it! |
| No matter how hard you push the envelope It still remains stationery |
| I once dreamed that I fell down a flight of stairs. I was so relieved when I woke up safely in the hospital. |
| The Mexican drug lord El Chapo has been extradited to the United States... It's still unclear which cabinet post he'll be appointed to. |
| Will glass coffins be popular in future? Remains to be seen. |
| The person who made the shovel should receive an award It was groundbreaking work. |
| Say "Rise Up Lights" out loud You just said "Razor Blades" in an Australian accent |
| So I took a practice test on photons today... It didn't matter. |
| What do Hanlon's razor, Occam's razor, Poe's Law and Godwin's Law each have in common? The Donald Trump presidency. |
| Reddit is really a green community, considering all the recycled content on here. |
| I found a new passion yesterday pairing socks. I guess I just enjoy bringing sole mates together. |
| What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. |
| Why are there no cats on mars? Curiosity |
| Why did the PowerPoint cross the road? To get to the other slide. |
| Life is a lot like chess You've always got to be thinking two steps ahead. And most people want to be white. |
| Even if they all unite against Trump, those seven countries won't get off the list A seven nation army couldn't hold Trump back. |
| Knock knock...... You: Who's there? .... Me: Better eat up...... You:..... |
| Rumour has it Eminem has converted to Islam. From now on, he will call himself "Muslim Shady." |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_16.txt |
|---|
| @@ -0,0 +1,677 @@ |
|---|
| My daughter just told me she's infertile. "That's a great joke," I said. "I can't wait to tell it to my grandchildren." |
| Did you hear about the butter on toast? I can't tell you, you might spread it! |
| The propellor of a plane is actually a giant fan for the pilot When the fan stops, you can actually see the pilot start sweating |
| Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down... You have my Word. |
| How many Shakers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Shakers can't screw |
| The day after Thanksgiving is often the biggest capitalist/materialistic shopping day every year. I'm protesting it this year, and had to think of the movement's slogan... Black Fridays Matter. |
| How many homeless people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Homeless people can't have light bulbs |
| What is definition of indefinitely? When your balls are touching her ass, you are in-definatlly |
| I asked Kellyanne Conway for her email And she said "oh you mean my alternative fax?" |
| I'm going to post a joke I hope it dosen't get [deleted] |
| What do female geologists do as a side job? Prostitution. They quite enjoy studying hard things! |
| A masochist and a sadist are doing their thing& The masochist says: "Hit me" and the sadist answers: "no&" |
| I used to think babysitting was just a job teenagers did to make a quick buck Then I saw how much Kellyanne Conway makes. |
| What did the math book say to the literature book? You're so full of great stories, I'm just filled with problems |
| I like my women like I like my pies... Still warm. |
| TIL that the Beatles had to change the lyrics to Hello Goodbye because it was too "british". The original was "Oi Mate Piss Off" |
| What is the hardest part about your wife telling you she has AIDS? Acting surprised. |
| What do you say when you see a Nazi trip and fall? "Are you Alt-right?" |
| How does one go from being a doctor to an Uber driver? They move to America. |
| Who is Donald Trumps favorite basketball player? John Wall Get it? |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? I was hoping you would just upvote. |
| If Fifth Harmony was unable to perform at the NHL All Star... They can still have an option to work from home via satellite. |
| What did Bill Clinton say when asked why Hillary lost? "Not sure, she never used to go down." |
| Why did the letters A through Y hate the Jews? Because they were Not Z. |
| TIL the current Russian President once nearly placed a bomb in a friendly naval vessel. Wait, am I Putin this in the wrong sub? |
| How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man? Zero. |
| Why don't computers have any brothers? They are all trans-sisters. |
| Jesus at a restaurant in Heaven... "Holy cow!" "Yes, Lord. I am both you server and your steak. How would you like me cooked?" "Well done, my good and faithful sirloin." |
| What kind of ships can't go in salt water? Snail-boats |
| Dear Muslim refugees: just pretend to be Christian. That's what most Christians do anyways. |
| What do you call a white duck? A quacker. |
| Wife asks why I bring my ccw to church... Because you can never predict when there will be a mass shooting. |
| Horse walks into a bar... ..Barman: "Why the long face?" |
| Swallow is a bird or a fish? It's an order. |
| Anyone care for a limerick? There once was a man from Nantucket Who wanted to vacation in Phuket But changed his mind On where to unwind Because he'd rather not shit in a bucket. |
| What does NASCAR really stand for? Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks |
| My wife and her twin were standing next to each other in the kitchen Well, long story short, I grabbed the wrong butt and my brother in law was not amused |
| Cleaning ladies: The new craze that's sweeping the nation |
| What's the opposite of critical thinking? Critical theory. |
| What part of your hand is the most salty? The NaCls |
| Its best to put your phone on some rice when its wet Asian people will come at night and fix it |
| I heard McDonalds is really bad for you. That why I only eat at Burger king. |
| What do you call an ill Saudi Arabian? Sikh |
| Communism jokes are not funny Unless everyone gets them |
| What's the difference between your mom and a bowling ball? Your mom can't fit in a bowling ball. |
| 2 cactuses are talking to each other One of them asks the other, "Hey, do you know how to speak the human language?" To which he responds, "yeah it's easy, they always say ouch!" |
| What do you call a wine loving horse? Chardon-neigh. |
| i don't think women should stay in the kitchen... i mean, how are they supposed to clean the rest of the house from there? |
| A Muslim enters the United States Oh sorry thought it was still 2016. |
| Do you know what the arch enemies of skinheads are? Blackheads. |
| All pro athletes are bilingual They speak English and profanity. |
| What was Tigger doing in the toilet? Looking for Pooh |
| I returned from court to see 'Welcome home dad' hanging over the foyer.. It was a suspended sentence |
| Muslims in the U.S.A [Removed] |
| I have a Chinese friend with really bad internet His name is Hai Ping |
| Why did the scarecrow receive an award? It was outstanding in his field. |
| Tip: if you don't want comedians weighing in on politics.... ...don't elect a joke. (Credit to Bo Burnham) |
| So what do you all think of the new House of Cards? I have to say that whole plot twist with Trump becoming the new president was quite unexpected. |
| My friend overdosed on Tofu The coroner called it a Soysoning |
| How many Chicago Policemen does it take to crack an egg? None. It fell down the stairs. |
| A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night... ... and he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?" |
| I tied a rope and swallowed it I shit you knot! |
| What do you call a Hispanic radio station? Mixed Signals |
| If pronouncing your b's like v's makes you sound Russian... Then *soviet!* |
| I don't get what you guys are saying about how Mexicans hate Trump... ... Every Mexican I see is calling him a peachy cool arrow. |
| My rich uncle just passed away so I recently came into some money But now the bills are all stuck together |
| A English teacher says to a African student.. "okay you're doing really good with your English, I would like you to use the word dandelion in a sentence" the student replies "ohh that is easy, The giraffe, is bigger, dan de lion" |
| I hate people who use the wrong words in a sentence and don't correct themselves They sometimes should have the humidity to admit it. |
| I used to be up to date with memes... then I took an arrow to the knee |
| Why shouldn't you buy underwear from Ukraine? Because Chernobyl (cher-knob-el) fallout. |
| It's always I before E Except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor. |
| I saw a man with a several rabbits on his head today... When I inquired as to why he had rabbits on his head, he simply stated "From a distance they look like hares" |
| Why do men sound like they're having an orgasm when they're lifting weights? And why is my father lifting weights in the bathroom? |
| McDonalds is releasing a new Japanese fish sandwich. It will be called The Real Mc Koi. |
| What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers |
| I would cauliflower... ...but I don't have its number. |
| What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything. |
| Just found out I was dating a commie Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier |
| What is the sound of Trump's head hitting the Liberty Bell? Dunnnnnnng |
| having sex for pleasure Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin. I had to shag a lot of animals to find that out. |
| What did Dee Snider say he wanted for Christmas? I WANNA ROCK |
| What do you call it when a nail is driven through the canvas of a piece of artwork? A 'pain'-ting. |
| What do housewives do on Saturday nights? They go Sam's Clubbing |
| Husband: "I have good news and bad news" Wife: "Tell me the bad news first." Husband: "The washing machine broke." Wife: "And the good news?" Husband: "The dogs are clean." |
| My grandmother died stoned. She was showing too much leg. |
| I work in construction... We don't have side pieces, we have back hoes |
| I just enlisted my kids into the Navy. Or as the wife calls it, masturbated in the shower. |
| A pregnant prostitute visits her Doctor... The Doctor asks, "do you know who the father is?" The prostitute replies, "if you ate a can of beans, would you know which one made you fart?" |
| Do you know what Mexicans think about Trump's wall? Who cares, they'll get over it.. |
| I just came to a conclusion Best wank of my life |
| What do you call a tight fitting bra? A boobie trap. |
| A mathematician walks into a pizza bar and orders one pi He receives two |
| I like my Thanksgiving turkey like I like my own ass On the dining room table, with my family gathered round, and with my grandmum's fists in it pulling out the stuffing. |
| Never trust a stairwell. Every time you turn around, it's a new story! |
| What is life? Better with drugs |
| If Trump deports all the Mexicans Who's going to build the wall? |
| A boy asks his father A boy asks his father: Where's the potato peeler? Father: In the supermarket |
| Conservatives keep telling me to find Jesus How am I supposed to find him if they want him sent back to mexico and want a wall to keep him out? |
| Five year old granddaughter to me. Her: Knock, Knock. Me: Who's there? Her: Interrupting cow. Me: Interrp.... Her MOO, MOO |
| So my wife thinks I'm really annoying... but we tried anal for the first time the other day so now I'm really a pain in her ass. |
| Why do you never see a black person with Down Syndrome? God doesn't punish anyone twice. |
| What do you call a small knife used for killing gorillas? A harambit |
| I wouldn't bother making a joke about an infinite line No point. |
| It's cool how today everyone is applauding patriots for standing up for human rights... ...and by next Sunday everyone will be back to hating the Patriots again |
| Why is Donald Trump the rarest form (real life incartination) of pepe? Because it can be witnessed only once in a *Melania*-um. |
| What do you call a female scientist? A scientits |
| Mechanical Engineer NSFW Mechanical Engineer's wife Delivers a baby.. Wife Sends SMS to her Husband: "Your New Vehicle is Launched." Husband replies back: "With Gear or Without Gear?*" |
| Screamed on a drunk to get out of the road He replied, an Aeroplane just flew off over my head, What can a car make a difference ... |
| How long do owls live? Six and a half books. |
| Aztecs.... Are the religion of peace, you racist! |
| You know what they say about people with big feet... You could easily get a part-time job as a clown |
| What do you call a basement full of progressives? A whine cellar. |
| You were a still born baby.. Mother didn't want you but you were still born. |
| What do you call a blind dinosaur? A "Do-You-Think-He-Saw-urus" How do you call a blind dinosaur's dog? Do-You-Think-He-Saw-urus Rex |
| A Muslim walks into the U.S Just kidding |
| When I feel like I have nobody to talk to... I call the NSA. They're really nice because they always listen. |
| I have a pizza.....I have a pineapple UGH! Satan's creation. |
| My science teacher taught us about gravity today. It was such a heavy subject to take... |
| Two snakes walk into a bar... ^^^Wait, ^^^they ^^^slide... ^^^Nevermind...XD |
| Fastfood Clerk: Number 27! Double steak combo with extra fries! Man: Right here! Clerk: Here you go sir, sorry about your weight. Man: Oh, it wasn't long at al- wait... Clerk: >:D |
| If the skin on your elbow is called a weenus... Is the skin on your knee called a knee-nus? (I'm so sorry) |
| My teacher pointed at me with...... My teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said ?at the end of this ruler is and idiot!? I got detention after I asked him which end he was referring to. |
| What do you call a naked Asian? Barelee. |
| These Stolen Valor guys all seem homeless or mentally ill... Guess they're pretty good at impersonating our troops after all! |
| An Asian Keanu An Asian Keanu enters a room. Asian Keanu got angry. Asian Keanu Reeves. |
| Janet, a bit tipsy from the champagne, didn't realize the new office photocopier was a 3D photocopier. So Steve got a nice bust for his bookshelf for christmas. |
| I am sad because I did something today. doing something stood on my not-to-do-list for today |
| I saw my disrespectful co-worker today she was hot. "Wow, words can't describe how pretty you are." I said walking up to her. She then replied looking at me as if I was a creep: "Uh thanks.. weirdo" "But numbers can" I smirked. "2/10. Bitch." |
| 1-step guide for Asexual Reproduction Go fuck yourself |
| How do you know a girl is into you? Just pinch yourself, if you don't wake up, she doesn't. |
| My wife said she's had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up. So I just packed my bags and right. |
| My wife was choking at dinner, so I flipped her over the table, pulled her knickers down and stuck my tongue up her arse. The shock made her spit out the obstruction and breathe again. Thank god I knew the hind-lick manoeuvre! |
| President Trump! What about the aliens from space? We need a ROOF! |
| People are counting down the time to the end of Trump's presidency... Are you really that excited to have Kanye West as the president of US?! |
| People like to compare Hillary Clinton to Hitler, but there's one huge difference: Hitler acknowledged he was at fault for killing people. |
| I was going to tell the joke about the scarecrow... but I think it has already been posted. |
| What are they going to use to build the wall? The bricks that were shat by people when Trump became president. |
| A man went to the doctor The doctor said "im afraid your illness is terminal..." The man asked "well how long do i have doc?" The doctor said "10" The man asked "10 what?" The doctor said "9, 8, 7....." |
| Ask /r/personalfinance to draw you a line, they deliver a circle. They always make ends meet! |
| FDR hates cripple humor He can't stand it |
| I don't want to make a political joke It might get elected as president of the United States |
| So what if I don't know what "apocalypse" means. It's not like it's the end of the world |
| A man is caught staring so hard at his marriage certificate by his wife... She asks him what he's looking for. He replies, "oh just the expiration date!" |
| A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder... The bartender says "What a strange pet, what's his name?" "Tiny." the man replies. "What an odd name, why do you call him tiny?" "Because he's my newt." |
| I know a Spanish philosopher and he lives in my kitchen... His name is Plato. |
| Why don't Jews have showers in their homes? Because they're too cheap to pay the bills. |
| My girlfriend's a crappy computer ... she always shuts down when I need her but never shuts up when I don't. |
| What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster? "I'M BREADY TO DIE" |
| I wanted a cat but the wife wanted a dog ... so we compromised and got a dog |
| Breast Inplants They such a silly-con |
| There are three types of people in this world. People who can count and people who can't. |
| China's time zone is 28 days behind ours. "Chinese New Year" |
| I like my women like I like my moose Big, brown, and horny |
| Boyfriend: You know you can..... Boyfriend: You know you can be a real bitch. Girlfriend: I have been called worse. Boyfriend: Like what? Girlfriend: Your girlfriend! |
| That's a nice ham you have there It would be a shame if someone put an 's' at the start and an 'e' at the end... |
| What do Intel, Google, Uber, eBay, McDonalds, Budweiser, AT&T, Oracle, Disney, Boeing, IBM and Apple have in common? Immigrants |
| Dicks are like LAYS potato chips... No one ever sucks JUST ONE!! |
| Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas! This is what Santa Clause says when he sees your wife, mother and sister together in the same room. |
| A cannibal walked into a female patient's surgery room... "I'll take the eggs, please." |
| 50% of Canada Is the letter A |
| I have at last fulfilled my dream of becoming arms dealer... ... by selling 3D printed prosthetic limbs for the needy. |
| A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live... Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please" Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life" |
| I really like food Sorry, I made a Misteak, that wasn't really a joke. It's even Grater with Cheese. Damn. That was just Punishment. |
| How do the Welsh eat cheese? Caerphilly |
| Apparently Abraham Lincoln kept extremely detailed records of every single tree he cut down, detailing the type of tree, dimensions, even the location where it was cut, and more. They're called the Lincoln Logs. |
| Whats the hardest part of eating a vegetable? The wheelchair |
| Whats the best part about sleeping with a midget? You're sure to get a little head |
| Trump, how do you plan on building the wall? 140 characters at a time |
| How did the roman cannibal feel about his victim? He was glad he ate her. |
| Things in the United States have been awfully unfortunate as of late It's almost as if it were built upon a gigantic native american burial ground |
| A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'' |
| How do you trigger a switch? Flip it off. |
| Which bear can dissolve in water? A polar bear |
| Did you hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog. |
| Sign outside at "Justice of the Peace" You furnish the bride...........we will do the rest. |
| The new season of House of Cards will be nothing compared to what lies ahead with President Trump! |
| What does a prostitute wear on her feet? Whore shoes. |
| ?Dear you can?t go to the theater in your old coat, can you? Husband: ?Dear you can?t go to the theater in your old coat, can you? Wife (hopefully): ?Certainly not, dearest.? Husband: ?Just what I thought so I only bought one ticket.? |
| Why was the dog shaking? He had Barkinson's |
| What's the difference between gluten and hillbillies? One's inbred, the others in bread |
| United States of America |
| "Give it to me," my girlfriend yelled. "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella |
| I was talking to a fat girl about her weight... I was addressing the literal elephant in the room. |
| How many Scottish highlanders does it take to change a light bulb? There can be only one. |
| I'm surprised Trump ran as a Republican I thought he was running as a joke |
| My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to her. |
| I had a donkey. I named it Heeh. It died. Heeh awwwww. :-( |
| I enjoy my women like I enjoy my coffee... Blindfolded and scared. |
| What is a pirate's favorite type of joke? Traditionally a pun involving an "arrr", but for the purposes of this joke, it's sarrrcasm. |
| What's the difference between New York City and the Land of Mordor? Two Towers. |
| Soliciting a blowjob is illegal. Soliciting a blowjob is illegal, but betting a whore $50 she can't swallow your cum isn't. |
| What do you call a sketchy neighborhood in Italy? A Spaghetto. |
| I'm not a Grammar Nazi I'm alt-write |
| I like women like i like my pizza Crusty with lots of cheese. |
| I don't like holocaust jokes. Anne Frankly you shouldn't either. |
| What's an SS soldier's favorite key? I don't know, but I know it's not C! |
| They say when you've hit rock bottom, the only way is up... Well, I must have drilled a fucking hole in that rock because I keep falling. |
| If the Scottish started to colonize North America before the British... Could I say that the Scott Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock? |
| What was Trump's reaction to the petition for him to release his tax returns Not my precedent |
| I was told the general rules of life is to help people, be nice and give aids. So I don't know why everybody is getting mad at me for infecting them. |
| I like my women like I like my steaks bloody and full of knives |
| What's the difference between jam and jelly I can't jelly my dick in your mom's ass |
| I like my women like I like my coffee Not tasting something gritty and hairy when slurping. |
| They're restoring Auschwitz to its past condition. My first question is how soon they will have it operating. |
| I walked upto my black cop friend and said "I always wanted to be a clack man, would you help me?" He said sure... and put my hands up where he can see them. |
| Mike: I'm really glad I wasn't born in France. Jim: Why? Mike: I can't speak French. |
| I am 48 and my wife is 8 months pregnant. am i too old to be a dad? |
| How did Donald Trump convince Mike Pence to be his Vice President? He told him the job would be worth as much as a warm bucket of piss. Then, he showed him a video. |
| Why didn't the shrimp share his food?? He was a little shellfish |
| Whats the difference between an anal thermometer and an oral thermometer? The taste |
| What are twins favorite fruits? Pears |
| The more you know, the more you don't know. What constitutes terrorism |
| Mountain ranges aren't funny They're hill areas. |
| What did the ocean said to the shore? Nothing, it just waved. |
| Trump: "Hows that Mexican mall going?" "Mall? We thought you said wall" Trump: "No way that's harsh, also hows that Muslim band looking?" |
| You think 7 years is bad luck for breaking a mirror??? Try breaking a condom |
| I have Yogg-Saron as a psychiatrist.... I don't think he's good, whenever I walk in to his room, I feel like I'm getting more insane by the minute. |
| Why Do Scottish people wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper go down a mile away. |
| What is a Freudian slip? It's when you say one thing but fuck your mother |
| My friend did some graffiti with me He just tagged along. |
| There was a kidnapping at my school He woke up. |
| I have big feet... It runs in the family |
| Why did Hitler prefer pajamas more than suits Cause they are more kampfy |
| I was going to make a joke about sodium but then I thought Na. |
| *Challenger anniversary* joke: What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband before they left the house? You feed the cats, I'll feed the fish. The "too soon?" Joke from 30 years ago. |
| What's the difference between the Harriet Tubman and the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Harriet Tubman was a heroine to the slaves; the Red Hot Chili Peppers are slaves to the heroin! |
| Why do moths fly with their legs apart? Have you ever seen the size of moth balls? |
| "Dad, why couldn't the doctors save grandpa's life? "Doesn't matter son, he would have suffocated in the coffin" |
| Donald Trump's family bought him a Gandalf the Grey costume for his birthday. Unfortunately, this wasn't the sort of Grand Wizard outfit he had in mind... |
| Trump decided to make some music with his old clarinet... he called it "Alternative Rock." |
| How about that train food? It's off the rails |
| Who was the roundest knight at the Round Table? Sir Cumference |
| Not saying there is a direct correlation between Trump's election... But the Chinese did say this would be the year of the Cock ages ago! |
| I like my women how I like my coffee. Without a penis |
| Women are like Christmas gifts... They lose value after 25. |
| What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming. |
| I have a Taiwanese friend who is is incredibly rude and bossy He has a strong Taipei personality |
| What does the next election and hindsight have in common? They both 2020 |
| A man sits at a bar crying The barkeeper asks him: "Why are you crying?" He answers:"My wife and I had an argue and she said she won't talk to me again for a whole year." "That's terrible", the barkeeper replied. The Man:"Worse, the year is over today!" |
| Sometimes I do things to children that they're too young to understand... ...such as teaching them calculus and microbiology. |
| Donald Trumps hands are not that small Any hands would look small on such a massive cunt |
| Man didn't invent the wheel It invented itself after seeing Chuck Norris. |
| An English speaker, a French speaker, a Spanish speaker, and a German speaker are in a park... ... when a man stands up on a table in front of them and asks if they can see him. They all nod and say: "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja." |
| How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One. We are efficient and don't have humor. |
| There are two types of people in this world Those who can extrapolate information based off of the given context |
| What are jews best known for? Prophets. |
| What do you call a Muslim on a plane? Soon to be detained for flying home to his family in Houston after a business trip. |
| Good thing I don't see any political posts on my news feed In fact, my Myspace friends haven't really posted much since 2010. |
| I asked santacraus for everything in the world found my sock inside out |
| Trump was stunned when he first laid eyes on Melania. Slowly he approached. He smiled and said "I must order this one" as he picked up the catalogue from the table. |
| What do you call money earmarked for use when the terrorist threat is high? Orange aid. |
| I was banned from the Middle East, so this is what I did... Iran |
| What's the difference between a woman and a computer? You can actually punch information into a computer |
| White House Update: Dick Cheney extends hunting invitation to Trump Nope. Sorry. Just kidding. Edit: buncha scrubs keep downvoting my hilarious joke. |
| Political opinions are like assholes If yours shows up in my Facebook feed I will probably block you |
| How can you tell male from female ants? Throw them in a bucket of water; if it floats, it's buoyant. |
| Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad... I think its time for USB. |
| An invisible man and an invisible woman got married. Their kids were nothing to look at either. |
| Classic Why don't blind people like to go skydiving? Because it scares the dogs! |
| How do you know it's spring in Israel? There's a Rosenbloom on every block! |
| It's been a week since my wife went missing. The police told me to expect the worst. So I took her things back out of the garbage bin. |
| What do you tell your wife if she has two black eyes? Nothing. You already told her twice. |
| Why are pharmaceutical chemists considered such studs? They're able to make a fun-gal cream. |
| Did you hear about the compulsive gambler with diarrhea? Well, he lost. |
| What is Harry Potter's philosophy on relationships... Hit it and quidditch. |
| No matter how popular they get.. ... antibiotics are never going viral. |
| What is Donald Trump's favorite California city? Banning |
| What is it called when a black person wears whiteface? Going incognegro. |
| What kind of meat does a priest eat on Friday? Nun. |
| I got a job assisting a fledgling orchestra with their day to day activities and helping to organize upcoming shows... My official title is Band Aide. (I thought of this in the shower, so it's definitely not funny) |
| Hey gurl, you banned from America yet? Cause dat' ass is out of this world... and therefore unamerican and cannot be trusted. |
| My wife wanted me to whisper dirty things in her ear... So I leaned forward and said: "dishes, bathroom and laundry." |
| Love, I'm pregnant, what would you like it to be? A joke. |
| What did the Republicans have to say about the latest edition of Democratic nonsense ? Nothing... They were busy at work. |
| I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate... And I can picture us invading that world because they'd never see it coming. |
| What do gay people eat for breakfast? An all you can eat puffÈt |
| I love being excluded from things Should have got a green card |
| My SO gives great handjobs And I'm not saying that because I'm a narcissist |
| What's the difference between a fruit and a nut? I don't fruit all over your mother's tits. |
| Told this girl to text me when she got home ... I think she's homeless |
| Did you hear about the collision between the cement truck and the septic pump truck? There was some pretty hard shit in the road. |
| It's been revealed that President Donald Trump has "Batmophobia", otherwise known as a "chronic fear slopes" Now I understand why he was keen to dodge the draft. |
| There I was, eating cornflakes and milk out of the bowl... when my dad came in, shook his head and pulled the handle to flush them away. |
| John Hurt? Nope, John Dead. |
| I thought I'd only need to make one more joke about 2016 not being over But this one really Hurt |
| I like first aid classes its the only time I get to be touched by a caring human. |
| Arkansas Redneck Sex Two rednecks are chugging beers in a Little Rock bar. One sheepishly asks the other, "So, do you ever cry when you have sex with a new woman?" The other says, "All the time. It's the pepper spray". |
| Rob thank God you picked up! Hey remember when you said if a needed a place to crash i cou- hold on ****to copilot**** STOP CRYING ROB WILL HELP! |
| I know that I have an attitude problem But I just don't care |
| Why can't Jesus play hockey? He keeps getting NAILED TO THE BOARDS!... |
| What's the difference between Scientology and Donald Trump? Scientology has better celebrities. |
| LeBron James laughs at all the countries banning people from entering Because he has traveling immunity. |
| Women are like boners Ignore them and they will go away. Beat them and they too will get away |
| TIL that the first condoms were made of fish intestines. So people had the guts to do it. |
| What's the difference between people who voted for Trump, and those that didn't? On average, about $30,000 in student debt. |
| I like my women like I like my golf score Mid-eighties and with slight handicap. |
| You know those slices of American cheese you get from the supermarket? You're not going to be able to buy those anymore. Since Trump is going to make America grate again, apparently. |
| Something happened at a friend's work A relative of mine works at a toy distribution center. They specialize in talking dolls. They recently received a Muslim one, but nobody knows what it says because they're all afraid to pull the cord. |
| The good news First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. |
| A toast! Had to throw away my toaster because it kept burning my toast. I guess you could say I'm black toast intolerant. |
| I can't believe that Trump is banning Muslims from the U.S. Like, Syria-sly America? |
| One of America's Longest Running Gags... Trickle-down Economics |
| Never trust stairs, They're always up to something. |
| Why is it awful to be an egg? You only get laid once, it takes three minutes to get hard, and you come in a box with eleven others. |
| What's long and hard and is full of seamen? Naval college |
| The demolition workers performed at the workers event last night. Heard they brought down the house with their act. |
| What do the alt-right call day? Alt-night |
| "Whenever one door closes, another opens." "Wow, you must be very optimistic about life." "No, I live in a haunted house." |
| My friends are baffled that I gave up the single life for my European wife and wonder why I don't chase girls anymore. It's because she keeps me in Czech. |
| What's harder than rocket science? My dick. |
| What do you call a tree with no leaves? Bark Naked. |
| What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband right before she got on the Challenger Shuttle? Honey you feed the dog I'll feed the fish. |
| What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile. |
| Cats and Dogs Did you know cats are smarter than dogs? Dogs can't take x-rays, but cats can. |
| A Pervert, A Con Artist and a Fascist walk into a bar... ..The Bartender Says, "What'll it be Mr. President Trump?" |
| Puns plz Someone throw shit out there for me to make puns with. A topic, or whatever, and I'll do my best. Anyone else can join in too. |
| There are 10 types of people in this world... The ones who understand binary, and the ones who get laid. |
| Do you want to celebrate!? It's the year of the cock. |
| What do you call an Irish gangster that all living systems strive for? (X /r/ScienceJokes) Homie O'Stasis. |
| What do you call a secret society of beef trying to take over the world? The Meat Cabal |
| Two penguins are driving in a car ... The driver says: "hey could you change the radio station?" And the other one says: "No radio?" "Four wheels!" |
| When Trump got elected... The Mexicans hispanicked and freaked out. |
| Knock knock... Who's there? "Good afternoon sir! If we could jus have a moment of your time, we'd like to talk to you about the church of Scientology" |
| A giraffe is at the airport going through the TSA line ... And the security agent says: "hey, is the your laptop?" And the giraffe says: "I thought you'd never ask" |
| Which is the saltiest fish? Tuna |
| I went to the local buy and sell to see if there were any cool old jack in the boxes. But nothing jumped out at me. |
| What do you put on Mongolian Beef? Tatar Sauce. |
| How do you tell if a girl is ticklish? You give her two test tickles I will see myself out. Thank you and have a good day |
| Is that a booger in your nose? No, it's snot. |
| I was playing some dubstep and when the beat dropped... My deaf friend said to turn the volume down. |
| TIL that 1/100 people have undiagnosed dyslexia Whoops, wrong bus. |
| Former presidential candidate Senator Sanders falls ill. What do you call him? A sick Bern. |
| I heard this really funny joke about procastination I'll post it later |
| I had an Germany born English teacher in high school. If you know what I mean. |
| My grandfather died in a concentration camp It was terrible, he got drunk one night and fell off a guard tower. |
| A relative of mine works at a toy distribution center. They specialize in talking dolls. They recently received a Muslim one, but nobody knows what it says because they're all afraid to pull the cord. |
| How does clickbait work? Just grab this electrical cable. Then what happens? WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL SHOCK YOU!!!!! |
| If people had to pay rolling pins, They'd be rollin' in the dough. |
| What makes crop circles? A protractor. |
| How do you know if someone's a pilot? because they'll fucking tell you. |
| Why did the unicycle win the race? Because the bicycle was two tired. |
| I like my women how I like my computer. On my lap. Turned on. Virus free. |
| What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? Mortgage freeman. |
| I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he's had. He started counting and fell asleep. |
| A plateau is the highest form of flattery. That's it... |
| Personally I think Trumps a Genius, How do you beat China? Hit them hard by one upping them with a Wall |
| My friend said he didn't mind homosexuality, just didn't like it in his bedroom. I asked, "have you tried the kitchen?" |
| What do you get when you combine north beach and south beach? Sum of beaches. |
| A boy goes to his parents to tell them something "Mom, Dad. I'm gay." His father then turns to him and says "Hi Gay, I'm 100 Dollars Richer!", while recieving money from the mom. |
| A tour guide stabs a customer to a bloody mess. She wanted to be tored. |
| My nervous system is so narcissistic. It only thinks about itself. |
| Why did the Snowman pull his pants down? Because the snowblower was coming. |
| Wife says to her Accountant husband Wife: what is inflation? Husband: Earlier you were 36-24-36. But now you are 48-40-48. Though you have everything bigger than before, your value has become less than before. This is INFLATION |
| My wife just left me because I spent our life savings on a penis enlargement... She couldn't take it any longer |
| I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've tripping all day. |
| I hear Donald Trump wants every welfare recipient to take a drug test... I don't even what to know what he's planning to do with all those urine samples. |
| There are two men on the opposite sides of the world, One is on a tightrope walking between two buildings 90 stories high. The other is getting a blowjob from a 90 year old woman. They both have exactly the same thought..........Don't look down. |
| I love everything about Motorbikes But sometimes they just make me two-tyred. |
| What does a gay horse eat? heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey |
| I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.". I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him! |
| Knock Knock Knock Knock Who's there? Europe Europe who? No you're a poo! |
| Why did Nixon have a reputation for not being punctual? He is, after all, the late Richard Nixon. |
| What do you call a projectile that is very good at finding friends? A homie missile. |
| What has 99 legs and one tooth? The front row at a Willie Nelson concert. |
| Why is Harry Potter better than Jews? He made it out of the chamber. |
| Some people say Pokemon is for little kids. It isnt and if you bully me I'm telling my mommy. |
| People compare Trump and hitler all the time, but there is one major difference. Hitler was good at making speeches |
| Are there any prostitutes you can hire just to talk to you??? Apparently they are called therapist. |
| What do you call a knight that jousts all the time Sir Lancelot |
| What did jesus say to his dad.. Who died and made you god? |
| How does the sous chef set a baby on fire? FlambÈby |
| I don't like rape jokes. They're always so forced. |
| Some mornings I wake up bitchy... Other mornings I let her sleep. |
| I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today. I should have cooked it at Aloha temperature. |
| What do you call a sick eagle that just flew in from out of the country? an ill-eagle immigrant |
| When a neo-nazi plays jazz, what time signature do they use? 14/88. |
| Son: Dad, I'm hungry Son: Dad, I'm hungry Dad: Okay, I'll go to the store It has been 12 years. He still hasn't come back. |
| Did you know there's a French man who was named after a saint, and is now widely known for dabbing and whipping so hard, he actually ends up breaking his arms? His name is PËre Fouethard. |
| NY Times said Gen Xers spend the most amount of time on the internet. Data were collected by survey monkey, analyzed by baby boomers and written up by the millennial intern. |
| My daughter wanted a Disney Princess birthday party& &so I made all her friends come over and clean my house. |
| My wife said she'd leave me if I spend any more time on the internet. Bet closed. |
| It doesnt matter how popular apple is... everyone has Windows. |
| What do you call a vegetarian that eats seafood? An omnivore |
| Why is Aisha a world renowned penetration tester? Because muhammad taught her from a very young age. |
| Cheating I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning. |
| How do you get a nun pregnant? You dress her up as an altar boy.. |
| Guitar teacher joke One of my guitar students wants me to teach him Wonderwall, I said maybe |
| How many noses did the guy with the best sense of smell have? Two noses? No, one nose. |
| What is Marie le Pen's favourite nuts? Catchjews |
| The best thing about having an STD... you get to share it with people who don't. |
| I finally found an onramp for the road to success!!!! It was closed for construction. |
| A German and a Swiss are arguing about who's country is better... The German, clearly annoyed, asks the Swiss "So what's so great about Switzerland?" The Swiss shrugs, simply saying. "Well, the flag is a big plus." |
| What do you call 69-ing in China? Tu Can Chu |
| Went to the Indian bakery today and asked for some bread They said they had naan |
| Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety pills? To prevent Hispanic attacks |
| How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan |
| What do you call a fear of deadly snakes? Common sense. |
| What is the perfect name for an Indian butler? Mahatma Coat |
| What is Donald Trump's least favorite '80s band? Foreigner |
| What is Batman's least favorite videogame? Injustice |
| Husband: "Babe, I just won the lottery! Pack a bag!" Wife: "Oh my goodness -- This is amazing! Where are we going?! What do I pack?!" Husand: "I don't care. Just pack and get the fuck out!" |
| I was so embarrassed when I got an erection during a prostate exam. Especially when they found out I'm not even a doctor. |
| Mexico should be happy about Trump building the Wall... The GDR payed 400 Million Mark to get their "wall against facism". |
| How do you wake Lady Gaga? Pokerface |
| Mexicans are shocked about Trump's wall But they'll get over it |
| Have you heard of the Ancient Greek hero Bophades? He was a lot like Achilles, he had just one weakness. Except instead of his heel it was his groin. You may have heard of "Achilles heel", but have you heard of "Bophades' nuts"? |
| People always tell me not to piss in the shower... ...but you know, it's difficult not to when you're taking a shit |
| My girlfriend left a note on the fridge "This is not working I'm going to my mum's house." So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold. - What the hell did she mean? |
| Three words to ruin a man's ego. "Is it in?" |
| Rick Astley told me that you could borrow any of his Disney movies, except Up He's never gonna give you Up... |
| What do fake news sites and porn subreddits have in common? No source. |
| I was having a piss in a war zone. Probably wasn't the best time for one of my fellow soldiers to yell, "Cover me!" |
| I said to her: "Two more inches and I'd be a king" "Two inches less and you'd be a queen", she replied. |
| What did the Rabbi and the Mexican say to each other at the Trump rally? Jew! EsÈ! |
| At the IRS audit IRS: According to your tax return you claim got money for nothin' & checks for free. Taxpayer: Am I in trouble for that? IRS: We'd say you're in dire straits. |
| What do you call 5 people sitting In two rows? Tetris |
| I Work At Sears And Some Black Guys Came In Asking For Polyester Pants It's weird because they usually pick cotton. |
| A mechanical engineers wife comes out of delivery. She texts him She texts him : "your new vehicle has been launched". He replies : " is it with gear stick or automatic?" |
| I brought a pet iguana home from the pet store... I think there's something wrong with him because he's very lethargic and I can't get him up. It must be a reptile dysfunction. |
| What is grey and comes in pints? An elephant! |
| Sumo wrestlers have to make sure their legs are always shaven So people don't confuse them with feminists |
| There are two types of people in this world, Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data. |
| What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe. |
| What does this joke have in common with Madeline McCann? They both never get old. |
| RIP Boiling water You'll be mist. |
| What does the Boar say to the Pig? "I'm a furry" |
| [True story] I asked a filipino for the time.. He replied: "It's por pipty pive" |
| Where do you find arrows? At a Target |
| What do you call a kitten who accidentally eat all your pills? A Caterpillar |
| The Bollywood version of the Dr Jekyll story is more childish. Hyde and Sikh. |
| I accidentally poked my girlfriend in the eye while she was sleeping. She didn't even see it cumming |
| What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ |
| I found the city in which cheese was first produced! It's from Age! |
| Donald Trump doesn't want to have sex with his daughter He just has "alternative family values" |
| Everyone seems to think that Trump's new wall is offensive... but I just think it's more wallish. |
| I always give 110% Which is why my cum is considered the creamiest substance known to man. |
| What language does a dozen speak? Twelveish |
| Stalin's political career didn't really take off, until he played the trump card -Seize the means of reproduction! |
| "One mans trash is another mans treasure" Is a good quote... But apparently its not the best way to tell your kid he's adopted. |
| It is always a blessing to have more bishops ? ? it makes the church more accessible to children *ahem* people |
| What does a dyslexic,agnostic and insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night thinking if there really is a dog |
| Poor Russians A Russian woman walked into an empty Moscow shop. "I see you have no vegetables today" "No," said the shopkeeper, "this is a butcher shop. It's meat we haven't got. The shop with no vegetables is further down the street." |
| What's worse than 8 babies in 1 dustbin?.. 1 baby in 8 dustbins |
| What do Eric Clapton and Donald Trump have in common? They were both jealous of the size of a black man's crowd. |
| What has six eyes, four wings and eight legs? Two chickens and a goat. |
| A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket... Suddenly she realises that some asshole has her pen. |
| How many babies would it take to paint your house red? Well, that depends on how hard you throw them. |
| You know, those people who insult Obama and the Clintons.. really need to stop beating around the Bush. |
| What Came First... The chicken Or the furry? |
| God made each and every one of us until he got to China. Copy paste...copy paste... |
| Bikes Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired |
| What is a gay dinosaur called? Nsfw Megasorass |
| What did the pilot say to the Vietnamese mechanic underneath the plane? " "You are the Nguyen beneath my wings" |
| What do you call a cold lesbian? A klondyke. |
| My neighbours listen to good music Whether they want to or not |
| How can a woman make you a millionaire? When you marry her as a billionaire. |
| Playing guitar at parties Playing guitar at parties is all good and fun until someone tries to finger A minor. |
| Bill Clinton is not a rapist. He just likes to "feel your pain". |
| How is a reposted joke like a novice chef's pot roast? It's way overdone. |
| One good thing about graduation is that you get to wear a funny hat that makes your brain look larger than it actually is. |
| Did you know you can break your nose if you squint hard enough? I did it on the bus today and some Asian guy punched me in the face! |
| What do I do when the Tiger breaks out of its enclosure and bites me? ISUZU |
| I loved John Hurt so much... that I'm not even going to make the joke that my heart John Hurts right now. Even though it would make me feel better. |
| What's a joke's favorite kind of music? *pun*k rock |
| "Did it hurt?" "Did what hurt?" "When you fell from heaven and landed on an ugly tree and hit every branch?" |
| So God and the Devil are sitting next to each other on a bench. The Devil reaches over and strangles God, pointing out humanity as proof of God's fallibility. |
| What do you call nudes from the 90s hot mail |
| Mom I forgot. Am I special or unique? No son. You're retarded. |
| If the bread during the sacrament represents Jesus' body... ...why don't we nail the bread to the table? |
| What do you get when a ghost takes a crap? Rectoplasm. |
| A man calls a doctor Man to Doctor : Help, my friend has fallen dead! Doctor: First of all, make sure he's really dead *sound of a gunshot* Man: Ok, what do I do now? |
| Chuck Norris threw an impact grenade and killed one hundred people. Then the grenade blew up. |
| What do you do if your girlfriend is choking ? Back up a few inches |
| Did you hear about the two gay judges? They tried each other. |
| Why do terrorists in Antarctica love being interrogated? Snow boarding is fun as hell. |
| What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint. |
| I've been single for a while now and I'm staring to realize something. They blur out A lot of Asian porn. |
| 2016 had many celebrity deaths.. ..but 2017 will Hurt the most. :( |
| What's the difference between a psychologist and a dentist? One treats mental disorders... and the other treats dental mis-orders. |
| How do you make seven even? Take the s off. |
| Here is my period story Period. End of story. |
| What starts with "F" and ends with "UCK"? "Firetruck" ...What were you thinking? What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN"? "Popcorn" ..What were you thinking? |
| What do you call it when two well endowed astrophysicists have a gay sword fight? A Large Hardon Collider. |
| Daughter's Dance Class Apparently, it's not acceptable to ask a mom if her daughter's dance class has horizontal or vertical brass poles. |
| Do you guys know what love is? Love is when your heart melts and comes out the tip of your penis |
| You know why Trump fans are called Trumpettes? You only have to learn how to press three buttons, and then you can play 'em all day. |
| Why are there no headache tablets in the jungle? Because the parrots-eat-em-all |
| What is a womans favorite game? Pool (billiards)... It's the only one with a kitchen!!! |
| How do you tell a boy tree from a girl tree? Boy trees have woodpeckers. |
| I bought a pack of pencils and one was unsharpened. I thought it was pretty pointless |
| I bought a new black router today... I think I'm gonna name it Martin Router King |
| Kid: why is my cousin named Diamond? Mother: because your auntie really loves diamonds Kid: well what about my name? Mother: never mind about that Richard. |
| I almost had to go the hospital today because a stranger threw a can of Pepsi at me... I'm just glad it was a soft drink. Otherwise, I would have had to get surgery. |
| What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall? Art. |
| I once quit drinking, smoking and having sex with random women... ...these were the two most horrible minutes of my life! |
| Which President had the shortest term? Grover Cleveland. He was the twenty second President. |
| I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist |
| There are three kinds of people in this world Those that can count and those that cannot |
| I don't get the fuss over Trump's "alternative facts" He's just alt-right. |
| What do you call a chocolate maker who has a dick dad? Will-Ivanka |
| TIFU By forgetting my wife was allergic to seafood when I got her supper from Subway Woops, wrong Sub. |
| What's the similarity between a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist? They both work with crust. |
| What do you call a starship captain who empties space septic tanks? William Shartner. |
| What's the difference between a woman in a bathtub and a woman in a church? The woman in church has hope in her soul. |
| In all fairness, Trump can't release his tax returns At least not until Putin sends him his W2s. |
| The only difference between Hitler and Stalin... is that I know who Hitler is. Credit- Community |
| I said hello to a feminist... my court trial is tomorrow |
| Alcohol is nothing but poison But I drink because there are just things inside of me that need to die. |
| What do you call a sumo wrestler's gaze? The thousand lard stare |
| Why are Teen aged boys so good at fishing? Because they're Master Baiters. |
| How do gay nerds say goodbye on friday? Have a nice geekend! |
| When a woman tels you it's five minutes, then it's five minutes. Don't need to ask her every quarter of an hour. |
| What do you call a smelly fellow that makes bad jokes? Pungent |
| A man walks down a street with his dog Stranger: hey that's a nice dog Man: yes but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down Stranger: ah how sad, why so? Man: he's fucking heavy |
| What did the Middle Eastern sheepherder say when he was asked what animal he was herding Islam |
| Getting a prostate exam doesn't make you gay... Unless you spend all day studying for it. |
| What's a pirates least favorite letter? Dear sir, Your internet service has been disconnected due to terms of service violations and excessive downloading. Please return modem and accessories to your nearest Comcast location. Sincerely, Comcast |
| A book fell on my head a moment ago... I can only blame my shelf. |
| My colleagues call me the pussy slayer... I'm in charge of euthanising cats at the kennel. |
| How come newspapers make so much money? Because they make money off Paper Views |
| The March for Life is all fine and well..... But why are we forgetting the January and February for Life? |
| Donald Trump impression I showed my gf my Donald Trump impression and she hated it. She got the last laugh though, turns out its the wrong time of the month to grab her by the pussy. |
| What do Blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common? They both swallow a lot of Seamen |
| What does u/sername do at a grocery store? Username checks out |
| You know what grinds a Germans gear? Nothing, they are too well engineered. Edit: Spelling |
| Now that Donald Trump is actually building the wall, I hear Mexicans are depressed I'm sure they'll soon get over it |
| Do you know why a gun is better than a wife? You can put a silencer on a gun. |
| Why does trump wear a tie? If he takes it off, the foreskin flies up over his head. |
| What is a Germans favorite letter? I don't know but it's Nazi. |
| What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids |
| What's the most popular sport in northern Spain? Basquetball |
| Guess what! Chicken butt! |
| Did you hear about the pizza palor owner who got busted for child porn? He was a real pizza shit |
| One thing our presidents have never owned. a vagina. |
| What was Hitler's favorite color to use when painting? Aryan white. |
| A guy says to God: "God... ... to you a minute is like a million years and a penny is like a million dollars. So, could you give me a penny?" God replies "Sure, in a minute" |
| I asked a Chinese girl for her number... She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex Tonight! I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629" |
| What do you call a synthesizer-guitar that's out of tune? A Synthaxe error!!! |
| What does a tight pair of pants and a cheap motel have in common? No ballroom. |
| I'm giving up alcohol for a month. Wait, that came out wrong. I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month. |
| Did you hear the one about the german sausage?... ....just as well, it was the wurst. |
| What do you call the person who graduated last in their class from medical school? Doctor |
| A kaddish is a hymn of praises to God found in a Jewish prayer service. What is its Muslim equivalent? A kaboom! |
| What's a terrorist's favourite melee weapon? A boomerang. |
| If a dove represents peace which bird represents true love? The swallow. |
| Girlfriend cheated. Never playing Texas Hold 'Em with her ass again. |
| I'm actually reasonably happy with Trump's presidency right now..... after all, he's had the nuclear codes for a couple of days now and hasn't tweeted them yet. |
| How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men. |
| I recently wrote a book about Poltergeists... I'm pleased to say they're flying off the shelves. |
| Why do ants not go to church? Because they are in sects! |
| Left my wife because of another woman.... Her mother !!! |
| Do the french like roller coasters? Weee weee |
| So you think your dad is an alcoholic? You should see my liquor cabinet!! Haha...ha... Its empty. I need help. |
| Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs? Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan. |
| To whomever stole my copy of Microsoft Word... I will find you. You have my Word. |
| TIL that my neighbors really like the metal song i'm playing on my 7.1 sound system I figured because he thrown a brick at my window to hear it betterˇ ! \m/ |
| I always thought that the brain was the most important organ Now that I think about it, what's telling me that? |
| Did you know that Donald Trump actually has a beautiful full head of hair? It's an alternative fact! |
| The best thing about having a penis... is sharing it with people who don't. |
| What do you call a robotic contraceptive? Intelligent Protection Neutralizer for Girls, otherwise known as I P N Girls |
| When I heard that my toaster wasn't water resistant... I was shocked!! |
| Did you hear about the butcher that backed into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work. |
| My dyslexic friend sobbed uncontrollably as he confessed that he kept spelling his own name backwards I really do feel for Bob. |
| How did the deaf teacher give his deaf students their homework instructions? He assigned it |
| Have you ever had Ethiopian food? Neither have they |
| What does Hillary do when she loses a game of CS:GO? She blames the Russians. |
| What does a robot do during sex? He nuts and bolts! |
| I was sitting in traffic today and I got run over. |
| Trump hates saying "yes" to Mexicans so much We may as well call him the "Not Si" President |
| I really like Trump and his policies. But I also would really like to see the end of the world. |
| Did you hear about the malfunctioning register at the liquor store? Everything's coming up rosÈ's |
| What's black and doesn't work? Decaf coffee you racist fuck. |
| Why did the English teacher propose to Webster? She wanted to Merriam. |
| Are we having chicken tonight? OK, well keep me abreast of that. |
| It must be very confusing to have sex with William Shatner. You never know if he loves it or hates it. No, don't, stop. |
| I found out I can't cross the border while wearing a long sleeve shirt... Apparently, you aren't allowed to carry concealed weapons across the border. |
| My doctor says I need to avoid trans fats I'm really going to miss Tumblr |
| Jesus tried to solve a Rubik's cube He died on the cross. |
| What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays. I know, I know... even I'm ashamed of myself for posting this! |
| If a religious person testifies in court... ...does that mean they're a Jehovah Witness? |
| Reddit censorship is getting out of hand [removed] |
| I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day! |
| Whats the difference between a feminist and a bomb vest? A bomb vest does something when triggered. |
| What's Boba Fett's favorite magazine? Sarlacc Digest. |
| I hate eating vegetables... The wheelchair is always getting in the way |
| Did you hear about that psychic dwarf that escaped from prison? They're a small medium at large |
| Why does Eminem serve weak coffee? You only get one shot. |
| A student walks up to their teacher. Student: "Teacher, would you ever get mad at me for something I didn't do?" Teacher: "Of course not! why?" Student: "Because I didn't do my homework" |
| Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?" *Mom:* "I told you not to call me mom in public." |
| Girlfriend told me to f*ck her like a man So I put it in her ass and called her Jeff |
| I support equal rights Equal rights = Equal fights |
| What's the difference between a thief and a pervert? A thief ~~steals~~ snatches your watch, a pervert watches your snatch. EDIT: I've done fucked it up. |
| What is a seals favorite tool to use? A club as it seals the deal. |
| Why do Hunters make the best lovers? They go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and eat what they shoot at. |
| How can you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tits a lot. (What number is this old joke?) |
| A 3.14 meter long snake ! What do you call a 3.14 meter long snake ? - a "Py"thon What do you call a 43 kilometre long snake ? - a marathon ! |
| What do you call three Mexicans that jumped the border? Trespassers |
| Two wrongs don't make a right But two wrights make an airplane |
| What's the difference between a grocery store and my crush? I can get a date from the grocery store. |
| To whom was Shia LaBeouf chanting "*He will not divide us*" after he got arrested yesterday? His buttcheeks. |
| Why do women fake orgasms ? Because they think we care. :P |
| Your mother is a 10 On the Richter scale When she walks |
| Why couldn't the iguana get it up? He had a reptile dysfunction. |
| When is a door not a door? When it's ajar. |
| In the year 2040 Barron Trump runs for president of USA His platform: THE DOME. |
| What did the Buddhist monk say when he approached the hotdog stand? Make me one with everything. |
| What is the definition of relative humidity? When the sweat from your balls runs down the crack of your sisters ass ... |
| I started investing in Egyptian tourism Until I realized it was just a pyramid scheme |
| Forget everything you learned in college... 'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.' |
| Donald Trumps is not a thief! He makes alternative purchases |
| What's the opposite of progress? The president. |
| Do vaginas have taste buds? Why else would they make flavored condoms? |
| What does a gospel singer say to clear his/her throat? a hymn |
| Why is the French Revolution just like Prohibition? They both got rid of Bourbon! |
| Muslim book store in New York: A man asks if they have the latest Donald Trump book on immigration. "Fuck off, get out and don't come back" says the store owner. "That's the one!" says the man |
| What kind of fish is made of two Sodium atoms 2 Na |
| The French are debating leaving the E.U. Just like them to run when things get bad. |
| How do Reavers clean their harpoons? They put them through the Wash. |
| I judge Usain Bolt based on his race All of his races, actually. |
| I saw an iPhone store get robbed... I guess now I'm an iWitness. |
| Why do a German soldier's hands never get cold? Because they've gott mit-uns |
| Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines! |
| Women are like parking spaces... The best ones are usually taken, so when no one is looking, stick it in the disabled one. |
| Do you know what grinds my gears? Do you know what grinds my gears? I have to read the aforementioned title twice for most jokes. |
| I told my American friend the truth about living in North Korea... and now I'm typing this message from a Coffin. |
| What is the least subtle way to intimate that you are interested in coital relations? Thrust and say: I am in... Wink and say: to mate. |
| Three jews walk into a bar I lied, it was a gas chamber |
| Once this whole "global warming thing" melts the ice caps We're gonna have a canoe world order. |
| Why did the car enthusiast have trouble getting a BMW tattoo on his belly? Because he had an Audi |
| What's the best part about living in a black family? You never have to hear a dad joke. Edit. Just thought of this at work one day hope it's not a repost |
| I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms.' He said, 'Just a minute.' And I said, 'Yep, that's my brand.' |
| Photographers are so violent. They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you. |
| People at work say i'm unnecessarily rude ... but i say fuck those cunts. |
| Why did the rooster cross the road? To get to the other year. |
| What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians? A drummer. |
| How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb? Two: one to change the light bulb, and another to hold the ladder. Safety is important, you racist fuck. |
| "So what kind of work do you do?" "I move cows" "Oh , so you're a rancher?" "Not really , I'm a zumba instructor" |
| On her deathbed my wife said, "Sweety, I will see you in Heaven." Since then I have kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage.! |
| What's worse than a girl falling asleep during sex? A girl waking up during sex. |
| Girls always tell me that I have the body of and greek god ...At least when it comes to the dick. |
| Just went to Taco Bell Got 6 tacos and a drink, the bill was $6,823.54 |
| Did you hear about the houses that fell in love? They had a lawn-distance relationship. |
| Couples, the key to keeping your bedroom fresh Febreze. |
| How many cops does it take to change a bedroom light bulb? None, they just beat the room for being black |
| What do Australians and wetting yourself in the basement have in common? They're both incontinence down under. |
| Why did the bacteriologist quit her job? She hated being microbe-managed. |
| So my girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So I put her in a castle and sent some Italian plummer to find her. |
| Why did they decide to call a correctional facility a penitentiary? Because calling it penetrationary would've ruined the surprise. |
| My girlfriend treats me like a god She ignores me till she wants to ask for something |
| Let's see Trump try to ban Muslims from entering the US We'll just make them in our bathtubs like we did during the prohibition! |
| What do Trump and Palpatine have in common? They both took power from a black man. |
| Our school should start a calculus club We would all derive fun from it |
| What's the difference between illegal and unlawful? One is against the law, the other is a sick bird. Thanks folks, tip your waitresses I'll be here all day! |
| What's a neckbeards favorite linux os? Fedora (cricket cricket) |
| What do an uncircumcised penis and the kkk have in common? They're both pricks in oversized hoods. |
| Why did the clock break? Because it was ticked. |
| What's the difference between a paedophile and a roller coaster? You have to be a over 5ft to ride a roller coaster |
| I just realized why so many car accidents happen in Russia. They're always Russian around. |
| What do you call a agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac? A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog. |
| What happened to the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder. |
| You can't make fun of reposted jokes Because they are older than your grandpa and deserve some respect. |
| What kind of music do people with small penises play? D minor |
| Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water, Who knows what they did up there, They came down with a daughter. Edit: the -> they |
| Yo momma so fat... ...NASA has to calculate her into every launch. |
| Donald Trump is not a rapist. He's an "alternative romantic." |
| The author of the Harry Potter books was trying so hard to be funny. But it wasn't funny to me. J.K. I was Rowling |
| *Interviewing for waiter position* I feel like I bring a lot to the table |
| How do you keep Trump busy for the rest of his term? Tell him his twitter phone is in the corner of his office. |
| What do you call equine prostitute with sore throats? Hoarse horse whores |
| What do my wife and my math teacher have in common? They both love to create problems that I am apparently supposed to solve. |
| What's the Difference between a Girl and a Woman? Prison |
| I read a sign outside my local primary school saying: "Slow children playing." I thought, fucking hell that can't do much for their self-esteem, but then I realised that they probably won't be able to read it. |
| Did you hear about that guy who got run over by a steam train? He was chuffed to bits |
| How are condoms like cameras? They capture your special moments. |
| My girlfriend's dog is starting to act like just like my girlfriend Like she hates it when I cum on her face |
| Why was the calendar nervous? His days were numbered |
| Today my dad asked what I was talking to "My imaginary friend" "Oh what's their name?" "Womens rights" |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_17.txt |
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| @@ -0,0 +1,273 @@ |
|---|
| A good nurse always carries a pen A nurse was walking the ward when she noticed a rectal thermometer in her shirt pocket. "Some arsehole has my pen", she muttered to herself. |
| favorite movie quote of all time *"Use the force Harry"* ~*Gandalf* |
| Why are so many businessmen fat? Must be all the inflation. |
| How can you tell if someone is vegan? They'll tell you |
| When, and only then, is it okay to spit into your girlfriend's face? In case her moustache is on fire! |
| I buy every comic book I see. . . My friends say I have lots of issues. |
| How do you fit 6 million Jews into a car? Send them to clown school. |
| What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. |
| I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment". Oh really? You mean you didn't actually catch the murder on video? |
| I think my new dog thinks he is a blacksmith As soon as I took him inside he made a bolt for the door |
| What do you call the work of a renowned geologist? Rock solid |
| My friend David lost his ID yesterday... We just call him Dav now |
| How much citrus does it take to kill a pirate? None. |
| Why are women terrible drivers? Because making sandwiches behind the wheel is a lot harder than making them in the kitchen. |
| Woman : All men are dogs. Me : Which breed is your dad, bitch? |
| My sex life is just like Star Wars It's either Han Solo, or I have to use force. |
| What is the best way to break a shield apart? Seth Rollins with a chair |
| What does a hooker with good manners say after fucking her customer| "I'm so glad you came" |
| Being a father completely changed me. I'm one of those motherfuckers now. |
| What do you call a southern girl who runs faster than her brothers A virgin |
| A city girl meets a country boy in a restaurant When the buy asked her out she responded "oh I know you country boys will fuck anything that walks. Pigs, chickens, goats and horses." The boy made a disgusted grin. "chickens???" |
| My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man. So I stuck it in her ass and called her Steve |
| I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl... they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too. |
| Browser joke What do we want? Chrome/Firefox: Faster internet! When do we want it? Internet explorer: Faster internet! |
| Why Would Clint Eastwood be Bad at Restructuring a Business? He can't remember if he fired 5 or 6. |
| Are you all alright?? -YEEES - says audience -No you are all alleft |
| I thought about making a cripple joke... ... but it would be lame. |
| Whoever hates oral... Can just suck my dick. |
| What do you do for a living? Nothing edit: just to be clear this isn't me. The depth of this joke is big |
| My sister died in a car crash She did always want to be a princess |
| What is so good about dead baby jokes? They never get old |
| Shout out to tears for fears |
| How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit. |
| My wife and I got into an argument she said 'you should treat me like I'm the last woman on earth' I said- what, lock you down in the basement and let men cum on your face for a million dollars? |
| What do you call a phobia of machetes? Common sense |
| How long has Michael J. Fox had Parkinson's disease? About 30 years, just amazing, thought he would have shaken it off by now. |
| My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure. So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die. |
| I got kicked out of the library today I got kicked out of the library for putting the women's rights book in the fiction section |
| Me and my friend used to like playing war growing up one day i went to his parents house and told them their son died |
| I have beef- -aroni. |
| What do you say to a video game developer who's not that hard? Ubisoft. |
| You cant expect an honest person to beat Usain Bolt... Only a cheetah can. |
| [NSFW] What is the worst part about eating a bald pussy? Putting the diaper back on when you're done. |
| What is Eminem made of? He is made of Mathers |
| Do you know what the scientific name of Viagra is? Mycoxafloppin. |
| What do you call a clan for chickens? Coo clucks clan |
| Potter household Voldemort: knock knock James: who's there? Voldemort: you know James: you know who? Voldemort: correct James: James: Fuck |
| Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank the coffee before it was cool =? |
| What type of fishing line is best for taking out a group of 1st graders? A Sandy Hook Yes, I'm sorry. Yes, I stole this from Facebook |
| So who was the first knight at the round table? Cir-cumference! |
| My mom named her vacuum Slayer It's been around since 1981 and has fucking sucked ever since. |
| A crossfitter, a Texan, and a vegan walk into a bar. How do you know? They all tell you within 3 seconds. |
| Bad Dad Joke So my Dad told me this joke that was so bad, he only told it to me once. "I'll be right back." |
| How can you tell if a post on r/Jokes is unoriginal? It makes the front page. |
| An apple a day... Keeps the non-binary away |
| So I knocked up my Jewish girlfriend; Now we have a little Jew in the over. |
| Slept like a log last night Woke up in the fireplace. |
| Which bees produce milk? The boo-bees! |
| What did the jazz fan name his pachyderms? He called his elephants Gerald. |
| What did the kid with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves! Nah, just kidding. He hasn't unwrapped it yet. |
| New movie coming out about a golden retriever who helps a deaf boy. It's called "Ear Bud." |
| Mexico's president says he will not go to the U.S. for a meeting with Trump The wall's not even finished and it kept a Mexican out! |
| Did you know Princess Diana has dandruff? They found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment |
| My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess... So I crashed her into a wall |
| Some day, Canada will take over the world. And then we'll all be sorry. |
| I'm going to start calling my roommates dog Dray After Draymond Green, because there is no way that is part of her natural jumping motion. |
| What is a KKK member's favorite game? Hangman |
| If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined. |
| There's a lot I don't get about women The main thing being their phone number. |
| Asked my dad what he thought about my new haircut... He said it was "obsolete", so I told him that I was actually a trendsetter. He said "Yes. That trend set many years ago". |
| What do you tell a nazi with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told Richard Spencer twice! |
| How come you never see third class mail? Third class envelopes are disproportionately likely to be lost in the voyage. |
| LPT: How to stop procrastinating Step one: Prepare to do whatever it is that you need to do Step two: Do it tomorrow. This frees you from the work you would have done grudgingly, which decreases the quality anyway. |
| How much do noodles cost? How much do noodles cost? About a penne. |
| What's another name for a Japanese demon dog? A pupper-oni. |
| We're two days into the Chinese New Year, the year of the rooster and I'm still writing year of the monkey on my checks |
| Whale junior: Dad, where did I come from? Papa whale: From my penis. Whale junior: Umm thanks? Papa whale: You're whalecum |
| What movie did Trump watch with his family tonight? Wall-E |
| "Dad, I've got to masturbate." "Two maths debate! I knew I had high expectaisians!" |
| Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything. |
| Where do European generals keep their armies? In their sleevies. |
| "What do we want!" "Hearing aids!" "When do we want them!" "Hearing aids!" |
| Welcome to jim's seafood shack and brothel... (nsfw) The crabs are buy one get one free |
| [Nsfw] How do you know you have a high sperm count? She has to chew before swallowing |
| "Can we not have sex tonight? I'm tired" "Hi Tired, I'm dad" |
| There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't. |
| What's a donkeys favourite breakfast cereal? Mule-sli |
| It's not that Trump is a traitor. He's an "alternative patriot." |
| What's a Mexican midget barbers favorite restaurant? Little Cesar's |
| If Pikachu was a Nazi... ...would his name be Gasajew? |
| What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll. |
| I'm not bashing Trump I'm providing "alternate praise!" |
| I tried singing for my supper today. Looks like I'm having rotten tomato soup tonight. |
| You know why I drink apple juice? Because OJ will kill you |
| What do you call the underwear of someone experiencing nocturnal emissions? Dreamcatchers |
| I like my women like I like my coffee I don't like coffee |
| What do you call the third hand on a clock? Second hand. |
| I had my FIRST THREE WAY!!! There were a couple of no-shows, but I STILL HAD A GREAT TIME!! |
| How do lexicographers compile dictionaries? They scrabble about for words. |
| I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters. |
| What is it called when a politician craps his pants in a Honda? Civic doody. |
| Jack and Jill went up the hill So Jack could lick Jill's fanny. Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock 'cause Jill's a goddam tranny! |
| How come there are no Olympics in Mexico? Because all of the Mexicans that can run jump and swim are already in America. |
| I'm deathly afraid of elevators. I take a lot of steps to avoid them. |
| Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? It was a nice ceremony....but the reception was amazing! |
| Here is the only way to resist Trump's agenda leave a mouse trap in front of your vagina. |
| In His Lust For Knowledge The Mathemagician con-summed himself. |
| Here I was thinking that 2016 was over And now it came back for Moore |
| Shout-out to my arms For always being by my side |
| Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Alternative facts. |
| Sometimes life is like toilet paper.. You are either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole. |
| A company testing on animals just got sued for testing a chapstick on horses that made their lips burn off. They called it neigh-balm. |
| It was getting very late and my niece was getting scared. "Uncle Davey, I am scared walking out here in the forest." "You?? What about ME!? I have to walk back all by myself!" |
| What's the difference between a blue whale and a sperm whale? Depends on if she lets me nut or not. |
| Where do dads keep their jokes? In their dadabase. |
| The Trump Administration releases the contractor hired to build the infamous wall Bill DeWall, Inc. |
| What breed of dog is the most depressing...? A melancholy. |
| My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French. |
| As Jeff the street sweeper says "A clean place is not where one sweeps, but where one doesn't litter" That's why he traded in his broom for a shotgun. |
| The anti-vax movement just got its first clothing sponsor Polio Ralph Lauren |
| What was the pig when he got laryngitis...? He was dis-gruntled! |
| What drink does hitler hate the most? JUUUUICE! |
| Did you hear who Ryan Reynold's wife turned into when she found out he was having an affair? Blake Deadly. |
| How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poker face. |
| I tried making a chemistry joke today... ... But all the good element jokes Argon |
| Ivanka is pregnant again, her new baby boy is due in October. She should call him Wally. |
| A Zwitterion walks into a bar... A Zwitterion walks into a bar. The bartender asks him about his job. The Zwitterion says, "Eh, there's some positives and negatives about it". |
| I couldn't decide how to propose to the love of my life So I decided to ask her husband for advice. |
| Dave lost his left arm and left leg in an accident 3 years ago. Don't worry, he's all right now. |
| What do you get when you mix a bell with poop? Duuuuuuung |
| A truck load of Viagra was stolen yesterday Police don't know who did it, but they're on the lookout for hardened criminals. |
| The other day I snuck a peek at my shrink's notes and I saw she'd written "MESSIAH COMPLEX" in big capital letters. It caught me off guard. I've known I'm the messiah all of my life but I've never been called complex before. |
| Did you know Trump played soccer in high school? He was a goalkeeper, set up a wall like you've never seen... |
| No one talked about it but the threat level was raised on January 20th, 2017 They raised it to orange. |
| What has nine arms and sucks? Def Leppard |
| There was a fight in the fish n chips shop the other day The fish got battered! |
| I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley Thanks to months of therapy, I'm finally battling my Damons. |
| Blind people of Reddit. I was watching a movie called 23 Blast (about a football player that went blind) and was curious if you can see when you're dreaming. Oh. . . wait a minute. |
| Dad Joke Kid laugh Edit : I've made a huge spelling mistake |
| I used to have a weird affliction that caused me to alter all my Reddit posts to add the names of my favourite Frasier and Cheers actors but I'm over it now. Edit: Grammer |
| It's now apparently politically incorrect to say "Black paint" Now you have to say "Tyrone can you please go paint the fence?". |
| Why aren't Mexicans good Firefighters? Because they don't know the difference between "JosÈ" and "Hose B" |
| What do you call a pathetic number of chickens? A poultry sum. |
| Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger kill insects? Because he's an ex-terminator |
| The best thing about ISIS jokes? The execution |
| Did you hear Apple is going into the wine business? Their vineyard will produce every varietal of wine... except ports. |
| You know what's black and doesn't work? Decaffeinated coffee. |
| Virgin mary enters into heaven as soon as she gets in she notices a hot dog stand. She blushes and giggling says "the holy spirit!" |
| "Have you heard the news? "What?" "Me neither. " |
| My wife said she hates Diablo 3 because it's about demons I said, babe, it's not about demons, its about gambling! |
| Trump is supporting the minorities The minority of scientists that disbelieve global warming. |
| I climaxed on a blind girl's boobs yesterday She didn't see it coming |
| Bury it... ...it's my dad's 'dead joke'. |
| What does a sailor in the navy farts smell like? Seaman. |
| What do you call a cow who's had an abortion? Decaffeinated |
| There's a brand new cemetery in town Everybody is dying to get in |
| What do you call an Asian guy that always shows up before he needs to? Earl Lee |
| The biggest lie "I have read the terms and conditions" |
| Jenny Craig I dropped 40 pounds on Jenny Craig. I think I broke her leg! |
| I head the singer of "Chandelier" is visiting my town I'm looking out for her, but I just can't Sia! |
| Do you know the story about the invisible nymphomaniac? They say you never see her coming. |
| Why did Johnny Cash have the Cocaine Blues? He ran out of cocaine. |
| The US should rejoin Great Britain Its not like we mind Taxation without representation anymore. |
| A Trump supporter tells a reporter, "Everyone knows we're great at taking tests." Reporter: "What gives you that idea?" Trump supporter: "Everyone keeps calling us 'quiz-lings'." |
| A stopped clock is correct two times a day, but how many times is it wrong? |
| It's stay lighter later in the evening. Great now I can your moms ugly face. |
| My friend just found out that he is both gay and dyslexic. He is still in Daniel. |
| Did you hear why the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus shut down? Because the Trump administration is now the greatest show on earth! |
| My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats That's nuts, I told him |
| Alternate Lyrics: I kissed a Trans and I liked it. The taste of her hairy lap stick. |
| What is the center of a gay apple's life? DÈcor. |
| Why was the cookie so sad? Because his mother was a wafer so long. |
| Life is like toilet paper... Life is like toilet paper, you?re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole. |
| My girlfriend told me that if I took her to get sushi, I didn't have to use a condom after. She's getting the raw end of that deal! |
| I read an article recently on Hitler's speechwriter... Apparently he was a real grammar Nazi. |
| How do you like your eggs in the morning? Boiled, poached, scrambled or fertilised? |
| Aussie chat up line "...bite on this stick sheila..." |
| It's difficult being a dyslexic agnostic I'm never quite sure whether or not there's a dog |
| The secret to making your computer a modern racist? Hold Alt+R |
| Have you ever had sex while camping? It's fucking in tents. |
| Tortoises ... are nazi turtles |
| What did the Hawaiian Jihadist say before he died? Aloha Ackbar! |
| Heard about the fruit that became a president? He got impeached. |
| My date was impressed when I said I really want to see her inner-beauty. She was less impressed when I asked to see inside her butt hole to spot it. |
| Why do batteries feel lonely? Because they are never included in anything. |
| Why do they call "roach-clips", "roach-clips"??? because potholder was already taken. I know it's like a venn diagram of drug jokes and dad jokes. |
| Dad tell me a joke[nsfw] "Hey dad tell me a joke" Dad:"Pussy" Son:"I don't get it" Dad:"I know hahahaha" |
| What's the difference between a chickpea and a green pea? Trump wouldn't pay $1000 to have a green pea on him. |
| NSFW My girlfriend was arrested for riding her bike today. She was charged with peddling pussy. |
| I posted a question about the brightest star in the night sky, but all I got were joke replies. Should've added the [Sirius] tag. |
| I walked in on my parents having sex last night... Possibly the most awkward 45 minutes of my life... |
| How come Abraham Lincoln never went to jail? Because he was in a cent |
| How was there no jackass in a giant penis costume at the women's March? That would of been hilarious. You would never see feminists beat a dick so hard. |
| I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years. |
| What do you call a 20th century grammar nazi? Alt-Write |
| Need your best Short Jokes One sentence max, I'll start: A Dyslexic walks into a bra |
| How do you get a Jewish girl's number? Lift up her sleeve. |
| Artistic people of Reddit, what is being artistic really like? And can I get fries with that? |
| Why did Purple hate Red? Because she left him feeling Blue |
| What was Albert Einsteins DJ name? MC Squared |
| What have women and clouds got in common? It only becomes a nice day after they piss off. |
| Friends are a lot like trees... They fall down when hit multiple times with an axe. |
| A man has been shot with a starting pistol... The police are pretty sure it's race related. |
| An SEO Expert walks into a bar An SEO Expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, nightclub, mini bar, bar stool, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey. |
| Shout out to all my people with split personality disorder You know who you are |
| What is Blastoise's favourite sex move? Hydrohump. |
| Did you hear about the fire at the hemp factory? It was high priority for the firefighters to get there. |
| What's the 8th wonder of the world? Great Wall of Jina |
| I have a new advice podcast for senile Tarantino fans It's called "I Don't Remember Asking You a GOD Damn Thing" |
| A 79 year old pirate has his next birthday this morning.... he wakes up and says to his crew, "AYE-matey!" |
| Only 90's-2000's kids will understand I am a financially stable and responsible adult, and my life is completely in order. Excuse me while I go drown myself in alcohol. |
| Why did pyramid head always drag his weapon around? Because its illegal to carry! |
| What Does Donald Trump Have in Common With London Dispersion Forces? They are both easily pushed to one side and can take a negative charge. |
| I like my women like my salad Undressed |
| Everybody's making a big deal about the Mexican president canceling his meeting with Trump... The wall isn't even built yet and it's already kept out at least one Mexican. |
| After nine years of being together, I finally got down on one knee. And begged her to take it up the arse. |
| I took my kid to a magic show... I took my kid to a magic show last night. The magician announced that for his final trick, he was going to make himself disappear. And so he began to count: "Uno! Dos!" And then he vanished without a tres! |
| Minecraft is not a video game Real video games have curves |
| Why do Republican libertarians play Xbox more than their friends? They hate it when everything has to be PC. |
| What do you call a dating agency for well-to-do herpes sufferers? Elite Shingles |
| Describe THE WALL in one word Yuuuge! |
| What's the hardest part of playing ultimate frisbee? Explaining to your parents that you're gay. |
| What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell |
| A Trump supporter decides to protest with his gun outside of a mosque. What should the police do? Nothing. He'll eventually shoot himself in the foot. |
| The Oakland Raiders are moving to Las Vegas. Thus making "went to a Raiders game" yet another thing people won't talk about when they get home from Vegas. |
| I took a vacation to a city in France. It was Nice. |
| In the middle east its hard to tell who's crazy, And Hussein. |
| Australians don't have sex They mate |
| Why do pirates never quit their jobs? Because once they lose a hand they get hooked. |
| I had a thought the other day Losing 15 pounds sounds a lot better in America than in England. |
| What does a robot do after sex? Nuts and bolts. |
| I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y. |
| Dad Joke Dad: (Grabs his chest) Call me an ambulance Son: You are........ an ambulance Dad: Proud of you son. |
| What type of music do astronauts love? Neptunes! |
| A steak pun is A rare medium well done. |
| Sugar is the only word in English language in which "Su" is pronounced as "Shu". I am pretty sure about it. |
| Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie |
| I really like Windows as an OS. You could say I have a Micro_soft_ spot for it. |
| I went to Kennedy Space Center to become an astronaut, but the scientists were not very supportive. They just said things like, "You're not qualified" and "Why are you naked?" and "I CAN'T CATCH HIM HE'S COVERED IN BABY OIL." |
| What does the Surgeon General, the Postmaster General, and the General of the Army have in common? I'm running all of their alt twitter accounts. |
| What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vader? An elevader. |
| There is a place with a 98% recycling rate! r/Jokes |
| How does a seamstress reply to someone asking her how her day was? So,so..... |
| Shout-out to my grandma Because that's the only way she can hear me. |
| As a guy, it's not that I have anything against psychiatric wards... I'm just afraid of commitment. |
| We have a strange custom in our office. We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Kevin" |
| A wife dragged her husband to their marriage counselor appointment with his fishing net. "Do you see what I have to put up with," the wife says. "Yes," said the counselor. "He's obviously in seine." |
| What climate scientist does Disney follow on twitter? The rogue one |
| What did the boy with no arms get for christmas? Cancer. |
| A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?" |
| What's the best part of being a lesbian in 1912? Both got seats on the titanic's lifeboats. |
| What you call a black guy with a lower body growth disorder? Knee-grow |
| What camp were jewish pets sent to? Mousevitz |
| What is a Physicist's favorite author? Joules Verne |
| What do you call an emo on a hiking trip? Cliffhanger. |
| What do Germans say when you send them a fire meme? Danke! |
| To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present They're due back at the library today. |
| What did the detective say when it started to rain I better run don't want my trench coat to become a drench coat |
| What do you call hamburger in India ? God |
| What's the opposite of Tim Walken? Tim Daly. |
| I rang the RSPCA hotline... I rang the RSPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road "Are they moving?" asked the operator "Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase" |
| What's the difference between a priest and a sister? Nun |
| I was listening to my German Student perform Goldfish by Debussy... Unfortunately, his playing was rather Vichy. |
| Why did Dracula fail math? He forgot how to Count. |
| why did Saturn get a ring? told god, "if you like it, then you better put a ring on it" |
| Are you a good cook? colleage - Oh you cook!! How good of a cook are you? me - the hungrier you are, the better i am. |
| I'm not sure if Trump will be re-elected I don't have 2020 vision. |
| What did Barak say to Joe on the last day of his presidency? "Bi-den. Keep in touch" |
| My professor just said that the particle of light is like a bullet... The black objects absorb more. |
| What do you call a bionic pig? Robocop |
| Why was the anomaly so poor? Because it didn't make any cents! |
| A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff... Baa dum tssssss |
| The European Union is disgusting! Absolutely disgusting! EU! |
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| What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef! |
| What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Utter destruction. |
| What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper. |
| So, this guy walks into a bar. And says, "ouch". |
| If the opposite of pro is con, isn't the opposite of progress, congress? |
| What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the ocean? Bob! |
| I went to a wedding the other day. Two antennas were getting married. It wasn't much of a wedding ceremony, but it was one heck of a reception! |
| There's this dyslexic guy... he walked into a bra... |
| Joel: "How's the progress on new house that you are building Pete?" Peter: "Things are really slow at the moment." Joel: "Yeah, I guess all this rain would be putting a dampener on things..." |
| A white horse walked into a bar. The barman saw him and said, "We have a whiskey named after you!" The horse looked puzzled and said, "What, Eric?" |
| There was a dyslexic insomniac agnostic. He laid awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog. |
| What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A start. |
| What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes whack, dang. A bad skydiver goes dang, whack. |
| Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? |
| If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? |
| Doctor: Well I hope you enjoy changing diapers, Mrs Jones? Mrs Jones: Why, Am I pregnant? Doctor: No, you have bowel cancer! |
| What do you call a blond with half a brain? Gifted. |
| Q What has two legs, and bleeds? A Half a dog! |
| An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress," she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise." |
| A drunk man walked up to an elevator. He pressed the up button and opened the doors before the elevator could come down to him. He fell all the way down, and said, "Darn it, I said up." |
| Yo momma is so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. |
| You know you're a redneck if you introduce a friend to your wife and sister and he only has to shake one hand. |
| Yo momma is so fat, that to get her out of a phone booth we had to grease her thighs and throw a Twinkie into the street. |
| A bishop, a priest, and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a joke?" |
| An Engineering Major says "How does it work?" A Science Major says "Why does it work?" An Accounting Major says "How much will it cost?" A Liberal Arts Major says "Do you want fries with that?" |
| How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb has got to WANT to change. |
| How can you tell if a blonde woman has been dating? By the belt buckle imprint on her forehead. |
| What does a blonde say when she loses her virginity? "So are you guys all on the same team?" |
| How many lawyers does it take to shingle the roof of a house? It depends on how thin you slice 'em. |
| Did you hear the one about the Polish wolf? He chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap. |
| A polar bear walked into a bar and said "Can I please have a gin and............................................tonic?" The bartender replied "Sure, but why the large pause?" "I don't know, I've always had them!" |
| A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?" |
| Did you know diarhea is part of your inheritence? Ya, it flows in our genes. |
| There's this guy he goes to see the doctor and says, "Doctor, Doctor, I have a terrible problem. I have a strawberry stuck up my bottom." The doctor says, "It's ok, I'll give you some cream to put on it." |
| Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. |
| When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl |
| Two guys walked into a bar... you would have thought the second one would have ducked. |
| Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!" |
| Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam". |
| The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it. |
| Remember, no-one is listening until you fart. |
| If at first you don't succeed ... avoid skydiving. |
| Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day... Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. |
| What do you call a blind deer? No idea (no eye deer.) What do you call a blind deer with no legs? Still no idea! (not moving [still] no eye deer) |
| Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. |
| Your momma's so ugly, she's not bald, it's her hair running away from her face! |
| The gap between your teeth is so big, I don't know whether to smile back or kick a field goal. |
| You are so stupid, you took a ruler with you to bed to see how long you slept! |
| Yo mama's so big, she had to call Sherwin-Williams to paint her toenails! |
| Knock Knock. Who's there? Anita. Anita who? Anita really warm place to sleep tonight, it's cold out here. |
| You're so fat, when you sit around the house, you really sit around the house. |
| What do you call 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth! |
| How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck? If it was invented by anyone else they would have called it a "teethbrush". |
| Knock knock. Who's there? interrupting cow interrupting co--- MOO |
| Yo momma so ugly she went into a haunted house and came out with a job application. |
| Yo momma so stupid she got hit by a parked car. |
| Yo momma's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals..." |
| Yo Mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her dad said, "Yeah! Let's go bury it!" |
| Yo Mama's so ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled "rape", they yelled "NO!" |
| Yo Mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, and the zookeeper said "I didn't know an animal had escaped." |
| Your momma is so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday. |
| Blonde inventions: Waterproof towel Unbreakable egg Submarine screen door Solar powered flash light Helicopter ejection seat Inflatable dart board Pedal powered wheel chairs |
| What do you call the skeleton of a blonde you find in a closet? 1950's Hide-n-seek champion. |
| 2 blondes are walking in the park and the 1st blonde says, "LOOK! Dead bird!" The 2nd blonde looks up into the sky and yells "Where?!" |
| What's a blonde doing if her hands are covered tightly over her ears and her mouth is completely shut? She's trying to hold onto a thought. |
| Why should you never ask a blonde to make ice cubes for you? She'll never remember the recipe. |
| How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant. What will be her response? "Is it mine?" |
| Why did the first blonde president move out of the oval office? She couldn't find a corner to put her stuff in. |
| Your momma is so ugly when she walks through the woods during hunting season she wears a sign saying "DONT SHOOT! FROM THE FRONT I LOOK ALMOST HUMAN!" |
| Why did the blonde steal a parked police car? She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche. (Porsche 911) |
| How do you tell a blondes been using your computer? There's whiteout on the screen |
| You're so ugly when you go outside your arrested for indecent exposure. |
| Your momma is so poor I saw her kicking a cardboard box down the street and when I asked her what she was doing she said "Moving!" |
| How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish! |
| How many little brothers does it take to change a light bulb? Three- one to hold onto the bulb and two to turn the ladder. |
| How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two- One to screw in the idea, and one to give it a suprising twist at the end. |
| How many boy scouts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three- Each to do one good turn daily. |
| Yo Mama's so fat, she didn't have a birth certificate, she had a blueprint! |
| Yo mama's so fat, she sells shade, and that gives her enough to feed a family! |
| Yo Momma's so poor, I blew my nose, and she said, "Lord thank us, we have food!" |
| |
| How is a computer like an air conditioner? When you open Windows it won't work! |
| Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White? A: They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet. |
| What's the definition of bravery? A man with diarrhea chancing a fart! |
| How does santa greet the three blonde sisters? Ho. Ho. Ho. |
| You were so ugly as a baby you were the poster child on the birth control posters. |
| If you're on a plane going to California and you're stuck in an aisle seat how do you trick a blonde into giving you her window seat? Tell her only the aisle seats are going to California. |
| Why are New Yorkers always depressed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. |
| Yo Mama's so dumb she took a spoon to the Superbowl! |
| Yo Mama's so stupid, it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes! |
| Your momma so old and fat when God said let there be light, he asked your momma to move the hell out of the way because she was blocking the sun. |
| Knock knock. Who's there? Someone too short to ring the doorbell. |
| Two buzzards were eating a dead clown. One said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?" |
| Yo mama is so dumb, she had you. |
| Politics comes from the root "poli-", which means many, and "-tics", which means, blood-sucking creatures. |
| Why do they have braille on drive-thru ATMs? |
| Can women put mascara on with their mouth closed? |
| Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. |
| The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. |
| Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. |
| I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol. |
| Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives! |
| When everything is coming your way, you're on the wrong side of the freeway. |
| Laundromat sign: Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out. |
| Sign at an office: Would the person who removed the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken. |
| Sign at an office kitchen: After the tea break, the staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the drain-board. |
| antique-an item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again. |
| Jack told me you told him that I told you that he was ugly, and I told you not to tell him I told you that! It's his fault! I told him not to tell you I told him what you told me! Well, don't let it happen again--and don't tell him I told you he told me. |
| A good way to save face is to keep the lower half shut. |
| Silence is golden, because you never have to explain something you didn't say. |
| I'm such an insomniac, the sheep fall asleep before I do. |
| Yo mama's so fat, when she walks by the television set you miss three episodes. |
| I know the day I gave up exercise. You wanna know? Check my birth certificate. |
| Yo mamma so fat when she wears high heels 2 hours later they're flip flops. |
| Your Mom is so fat she rolled over a SuperNintendo and made 4 Game Boys. |
| Your mom is so fat her picture fell down. |
| Your Mom is so fat, she's the only one at the beach that gets a tan. |
| Yo Momma is so fat she had a dream of marshmallows, and when she woke up, her pillows were gone. |
| Your momma so fat she uses pillows for pantyliners Your momma so fat she got stuck in the Grand Canyon |
| Your momma so ugly when she walked through the graveyard 2 men came after her with shovels. |
| Yo mama so fat when she sat on a rainbow skittles came out! |
| Your momma so fat when she broke a leg gravy came out. |
| Your momma so ugly when she went to the horse track people started placing bets on her. |
| Yo Mama is so fat that the local restaurant says :Maximum occupancy 115 people or yo mama. |
| Yo Mama is so fat that when she ran away they had to use all four sides of the milk carton. |
| Yo Mama is so ugly, when she looks in the mirror her reflection ducks. |
| Your momma so fat that when she layed on the beach, four guys from greenpeace tried to throw her back in. |
| It is said that "it is always in the last place you look" Well of course! Are there some people out there who keep looking after they find it? |
| What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. |
| A horse walked into a bar. The barman said, "Why the long face?" |
| Knock, knock. Who's there? Dwayne Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub mommy, I'm dwowning. |
| Yo Dad said to yo mama, "We're getting a color TV!" and yo mama asked, "What color?" |
| Your mom is so stupid, when the doctor told her she had to take a pregnancy test, she asked how long she had to study |
| Yo mama is so stupid she waited at a Stop sign until it said Go. |
| Yo mama is so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see the other side. |
| Yo mama is so stupid she stole a free sample. |
| Yo mama is so stupid she couldn't even pass a blood test. |
| Yo mama is so stupid she thinks these jokes are funny. |
| Yo momma is so stupid, she got locked in McDonalds, and lost 300 pounds. |
| Yo Mama is so poor, I walked in and dropped a cigarette butt on the floor, and she said, "Clap your hands and stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got heat". |
| Yo momma is so stupid, she put a free sample on layaway. |
| Yo mama is so poor that when I walked in the front door, I tripped over the back gate. |
| An actual headline: "Include Your Children When Baking Cookies" |
| An actual headline: "Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers" |
| An actual headline: Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted. |
| An actual headline: Deer Kill 17,000 |
| How do you keep a Rhino from charging? Take away its credit card. |
| How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one-they don't like to share the spotlight. |
| Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs. |
| What do you call a short psychic on the lam? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A small medium at large! |
| How do you praise a computer? Say "Data Boy"! |
| There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy. "Can I touch it?" "No way -- you already broke yours off!" |
| Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. |
| Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. |
| Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. |
| Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his rear. |
| Knock-knock Who's there? Boo! Boo who? Don't cry it's just a joke |
| How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two (think about it) |
| Roses are red Violets are blue I'm schizophrenic And so am I! |
| Yo Mama is so fat, she went to buy a water bed and they put a blanket over the Altantic Ocean. |
| I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said yes. She then asked me, "Single click or double click?" |
| When Eve was first created, she had 3 breasts. She asks God, "What shall I do with this extra breast?" And God created Adam. |
| A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here". |
| Why are the blonde's boobs square? She forgot to take the tissues out of the box! |
| How do you know if a dummy has been sending e-mail? You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive. |
| How do a blond's braincells die? Alone. |
| Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. |
| Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. |
| Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursdays at 7:30 to 8:30, Please use the back door. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double doors at the side entrance. |
| Yo momma is so dumb that when she got locked in the grocery store she starved to death! |
| Yo mama stinks so bad that when she puts on her 'Secret' deodorant it tells! ha ha :) |
| A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in. "Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!" "Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here." |
| A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her and said, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde yelled at the doctor, "I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!" |
| Q: Why do women fart less than men? A: Because they won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. |
| "I never forget a face. However, in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception." -Groucho Marx |
| What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron. |
| Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? A: The old drunk of course; the other three are mythical creatures. |
| Diplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip. |
| Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? A: Because it had no body to go with. |
| Q: What does a fish use to get high? A: Seaweed! |
| Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? A: In the end, someone's gonna lose a trailer. |
| Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded the younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy." |
| The bartender at our golf club named a drink Lilac Crazy in honour of one of the members. Every time the member came to the 19th hole, that's exactly what he did. |
| A teacher is writing a problem on the blackboard when she turns around and says, "If you are stupid, please stand up." After a while, a student stands up and says,"I really don't think I'm stupid, but I feel bad for you standing there by yourself." |
| My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that. |
| What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell! She's got a grenade in her mouth! |
| People say you are the perfect idiot. I say you are not perfect, but you are doing pretty good. |
| Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?" "You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back. |
| Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home. |
| Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. |
| A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. "I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted. "So what," said a little girl. "I'm four." |
| Don't steal. The government hates competition. |
| Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of waterskis? She's still looking for a lake with a slope!! |
| What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature. Eventually. |
| Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals." |
| Why is the word abbreviation so long? |
| My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is. |
| If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. |
| I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. |
| What do you call a Canadian fire? A Calgary Flame. |
| What does Monica Lewinski and a coin machine have in common? insert bill here! |
| To help students remember the word for "wear" in Latin, the professor used the phrase: semper ubi, sub ubi Translation: Always wear under wear. |
| "You don't have anything in your head except soccer," said a wife to her husband. "I'm sure you've even forgotten when we got married!" "Of course I haven't forgotten," replied the husband. "That was the day England beat Italy 2-1." |
| Q. Why do young blondes carry goldfish in their pockets? A. So they can smell like old blondes. |
| What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel? An Air-Bag |
| Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke. |
| Q: Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service. |
| The Egyptologist sneezed: Hapshepsut! |
| Ever notice that "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? |
| Take your income and add 10% |
| What's the difference between a teacher and a train? A train goes "chew, chew, chew," and a teacher says, "Spit that gum out!" |
| How many FBI agents does it take to change a lightbulb? Shut up! We'll be asking the questions here. |
| Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 3. One to change it and the other two to argue whether the lightbulb really exists. |
| "We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up." -Phyllis Diller |
| Every solution breeds new problems. |
| Join the Marines: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them. |
| Did you hear about the new Polish million dollar lotery? You get a dollar a year for a million years!!! |
| I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. |
| Why does a blonde smile at lightning? She thinks she's getting her picture taken. |
| Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom? A. EUROPEAN... of course! |
| Why did a blonde take an empty glass and a glass full of water to bed? She wasn't sure if she would get thirsty during the night. |
| What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? Thank you for the refill. |
| How many republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they only screw the poor. |
| How many blondes does it take to screw in a lighbulb? None, they just assume they've gone blind. |
| Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral. -- Robert Orben |
| Q. How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but he has to do it while you're eating dinner. |
| Sign seen on a maternity-ward door: Push! Push! Push! |
| Q: What's the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer? A: The cleaner pays if he loses your suit. A lawyer can lose your suit and still take you to the cleaners. |
| "Are you sure you don't want some Novocain?" asked the dentist. "I'm sure," replied the maharishi. "I wish to transcend dental medication." |
| An RCMP officer pulled over a vehicle that had performed a rolling stop at a stop sign. When the driver was told this, he replied, "But it says STOP, not STAY!" |
| Seen on a bumper sticker: "I don't care who's on board, what you love, who you brake for or what you'd rather be doing." |
| "All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific." -Jane Wagner |
| "Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." -Dave Barry |
| How do you confuse a stupid person? Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner. |
| Why do blondes hate making Kool-aid? They can't fit the 8 cups of water in the envelope! |
| You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same stuff? |
| Yo momma is so fat that the last time she saw 90210 is when she stepped on the bathroom scale! |
| Why can't Dolly Parton be a teacher? Because every time she turns around she erases the black board. |
| Q. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills? A. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills. |
| Q:What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A: A dog only takes a couple of months to train. |
| "Mommy, I hate my sister's guts!" "Shut up and eat what's put in front of you!" |
| Then there was the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a good figure. |
| She frowned and called him Mr. Because in sport he kr. And so in spite That very night The Mr. kr. sr. |
| "How can you stand it?" the young psychiatrist asked the old psychiatrist. "Day in, day out, year in, year out, listening, listening, listening!" "Who listens?" |
| Then there was the neat nurse, who made the patient without disturbing the bed. |
| Then there were the three bears. One married a giraffe. The other two put him up to it. |
| Mind Over Matter If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. |
| "Madame," said the psychiatrist, "you haven't got a complex; you ARE inferior." |
| The wife ran into the house, screaming to her actor husband, "Darling, come quick. Your kids and my kids are beating up on our kids!" |
| The Romans had to give up their big holidays because of the tremendous overhead. The lions ate up all of their prophets. |
| Why is it that when we talk to God we call it praying, yet when God talks to us we are schizophrenic? -Lily Tomlin |
| Did you see that movie about the pirate? It's rated Arrr! |
| Yo momma is so fat, it takes 2 toilets to fit one cheek! |
| Your mama so fat that she has to wear traintracks for a belt! |
| Your mama so old and fat that she went to see Mt. Rushmore and sang "We Are Family" |
| Your mama so big that people walk around her for exercise. |
| Duck #1: Quack Duck #2: Quack Duck #3: Quack Quack Duck #1 takes out a gun and shoots Duck #3. Duck #2: "Why did you shoot him?" Duck #1: "He knew too much." |
| What is Mary short for? For having no legs, of course...If you didn't have any, you would be short too. |
| Hey, have any of you heard of the kidnapping in the woods? Yeah, well, it all turns out OK, though, since he woke up... |
| Yo mama is so fat she used Saturn's rings as hoola-hoops! |
| What are two blondes doing in front of a motorcycle? Arguing about who get a window seat. |
| What do you call a smart blond? An Endangered species |
| What do you call a movie about a man trying to make a blond smart? Mission Impossible |
| Why do blondes climb chain-link fences? To see what's on the other side. |
| Why does a blond wear a tight skirt? To keep her legs closed |
| What is more stupid then a brunette trying to start a fire in a pool? A blonde trying to put it out. |
| What do you call an intelligent blonde? A Golden Retriever |
| A blonde is on the road when suddenly she gets a phonecall from her friend: "Watch out! I heard on the radio that some lunatic is going against traffic!" So the blonde says, "Only one? They all are!" |
| How many Dyslexics does it take to change a Lit Blub? |
| Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks. |
| A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?" "Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die." |
| Yo mama so fat, she coughed next to a corn field and made popcorn. |
| What's the difference between men and women? Women zoom with a camera by walking closer or farther away; men just push the button! |
| What did the wall say to the picture? How's it hangin`? |
| I wonder who came up with the company People's Gas and where was their Pepto-Bismal? |
| You are so stupid you tripped over a cordless phone! You are so stupid you got locked in a furniture store and sat on the floor! You are so stupid you didn't know how to swim so you got in the fish tank to try and learn! |
| What happens when the smog clears over southern California? UCLA |
| Roses are red, Violets are blue, I thought I was stupid, Then I met you! |
| How do you know a blonde is having a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear, and she's looking for her pencil. |
| I make money the old-fashioned way. My salary is the same as it was ten years ago. |
| "My husband won a trip for two to Hawaii," a woman complained to her marriage counsellor. "He went twice!" |
| NAMES OF ACTUAL COUPLES GETTING MARRIED: Broken-Bridge Sarry-Huney Big-Theisman Lossin-Hare Redder-Bottum CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW LONG THOSE COUPLES LAST! |
| Actual Newspaper Headline: Kids Make Great Snacks For Teachers. |
| Why don't blind people sky dive? Because it scares the crap outta the dog. |
| What do Constipated Mathematicians do? Work it out with a pencil. |
| Yo Mama's so ugly not even the tide would take her out. |
| A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man." "Well, how about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave." |
| Overheard in a doctor's waiting room: "My uncle had a cough like yours and he died. Mind you, he was hiding under his neighbour's bed at the time." |
| Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker? He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination but knocks on the door when it gets there. |
| What did the Zen Buddhist say to the New York hot-dog vendor? "Make me one with everything." |
| Mother to teenage daughter: "The bad news is, we're moving to a different city. The good news is, your new school is full of boys who didn't see you get sick in the cafeteria last month." |
| Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing. |
| "For Gods sakes Bill! Help her find it!." ~Hillary after walking in with Monica on her hands and knees in front of Bill |
| How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know, it has never happened. |
| What's the definition of Endless Love? Stevie Wonder playing Ray Charles at Tennis! Endless Love! |
| Yo mama's so fat when she steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please"! |
| Contrary to popular opinion, life is NOT a bi**h. Life is a virgin. A bi**h would be easy. |
| What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme! |
| A decrepit old gas man named Peter While hunting around for the meter His torch he did light He arose out of sight And, of course, as a result, he totally, completely and utterly destroyed the meter! |
| Q: Where do cows go on Saturday nights? A: To the moovies |
| It's a little known fact that William Tell and his son were avid bowlers as well as archery buffs. Unfortunately, all the league records were destroyed in a fire, so it may never be known for whom the Tells bowled. |
| I recently went to my 30th class reunion from nursery school. I didn't want to go because I've put on maybe 90 or 100 pounds since then. |
| Why can't you trust a blonde to call for an ambulance? She can't find the 11 to call 911. |
| Yo Momma is so bald when she wears a turtleneck she looks like a broken condom. |
| Yo Momma so fat when she stepped on my dog's tail I had to change his name to "Beaver." |
| Why did the blonde call the welfare office? She wanted to know how you cook food stamps. |
| The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more. |
| They say one way to build character is to do things you don't want to do. Every day I do two things I don't want to do: I get out of bed in the morning and go to bed at night! |
| Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. -- Jackie Mason |
| The perfect climate is in bed. |
| Q: What do you call an oxymoron? A: A smart blonde! |
| Wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in a mud puddle. |
| What do you get when you breed a blonde and a New York gangster? A juvenile deliquent who spray paints chain link fences. |
| When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?" |
| Yo mama so skinny she had to run arround the shower to get wet. |
| To make a long story short, well, it helps if the boss walks in! |
| I put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops. |
| Grow some dope... plant a man. |
| alarm clock, n. a device for waking up people who don't have small children |
| Penguins mate for life. This is not surprising, as they all look the same. It's not like they have to wait and wonder if someone better will come along! |
| Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicles who resigned on Tuesday? He tried to resign on Monday, but discovered he'd been standing in the wrong line. |
| Did you hear about the scientists who crossed a porcupine with a sheep? They got an animal that knits its own sweaters. |
| Yo mama so dumb, she tried to spell out the alphabet with M&M's. |
| "What possible reason can you have for acquitting this defendant?" the judge shouted at the jury. "Insanity, Your Honour," replied the foreman. "All TWELVE of you?" bellowed the judge. |
| Opera: where somebody gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, sings. |
| Two Eskimos sitting in their boat were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the boat, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. |
| Yo Mama was so Ugly as a child your granddaddy had to put a pork chop round her neck so the dog would play with her. |
| What two things in the air can make a blonde pregnant? Her Legs |
| Whats the difference between a good egg and a good fart? You can't beat a good fart! |
| Blind Hookers eh? You've got to hand it to them. |
| A man and a women are making love for the first time. "Cor what a small organ!" the women sniggered "It may be small, darling" replied the man "but it's never played in a Cathedral before!" |
| A woman's breasts are like a child's toys. They are meant for the child - but the husband is the one that usually ends up playing with them. |
| There are three well known rings to marriage: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering! |
| Yo mama's like Humpty Dumpty.... first she gets humped, then she gets dumped! |
| If you don't like my driving, stay out of the bus shelters! |
| Overheard at an exhibit in the science museum: "It says here that oxygen was discovered over two hundred years ago." "Wow! What did people breathe before that?" |
| |
| How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? Through a catalogue!! |
| Did you hear about the woman who poured margaritas in her birdbath? Enough tequila mockingbird. |
| Knock-knock! Who's there? Chips. Chips who? Chips Ahoy! |
| Yo momma so dumb, she spent twenty minutes staring at a orange juice bottle because it said, 'Concentrate'. |
| Q. How do you kill a blond? A. Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. |
| Yo mama is so fat, when she got on the scale it said To be Continued! |
| Yo Momma so dirty she has to sneak up on the water |
| Your momma such a bitch, PMS cheers her up. |
| Yo mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale she screwed it to the bottom of the floor. |
| Did you hear about the new dictionary for masochists? It has all the words, but they're not in alphabetical order. |
| Never ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night. |
| Yo Momma is so dumb she had to call 411 to get the number for 911. |
| Yo Mama so dumb, her favorite color is clear. |
| Yo Mama so big, fat, and clumsey, when she tried to get to Wal-Mart, she stumbled over K-Mart and landed right on Target. |
| How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below) How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above) |
| How many paranoids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? What exactly do you mean by that? |
| How was copper wire invented? Two lawyers were fighting over a penny. |
| A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender, not wanting to serve a mushroom, says "Uh uh, I'm not serving no mushroom." "Aw, come on - I'm a fungi!" the mushroom replies. |
| My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room. It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless! |
| Q. How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb? A. I'm just going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised. |
| Why don't ghosts make good magicians? You can see right through them! |
| Patient: Doctor doctor, J keep seeing doubles! Doctor: Please take a seat. Patient: Which one? |
| One time, when I was a kid, I forgot to do my homework, so I stole someone else's and turned it in. After class, the teacher pulled me over. She asked why I didn't turn in the homework. I said, guess I forgot to change the name on it! |
| I had four cappuccinos at one time. I was bouncing off the walls. Good thing they were padded. |
| Why is boxing a sport? If I beat someone up in an alley and someone sees it, I get arrested. If I beat someone up in an arena where thousands see it happen, I get cheered. I've done both. I like the alley better though. |
| How many Existentialists does it take to change a light bulb? What light bulb? |
| Yo Momma is so big that when pirates see her they say, "LAND HO!" |
| Yo mama's so dumb, she thought that a Playstation was a day care place. |
| Knock Knock Who's there? Madam Madam who? Madam foot's caught in the door! |
| Yo mama's so fat that when she went bungee jumping, she took down the whole bridge with her. |
| Yo mama's so fat that she rents herself out as a jumping castle. |
| Knock Knock Who's there? July July who? July like Bill Clinton |
| Famous Last Words "Oh come on, nobody's died from this in years." "I saw it on Jackass last night." "My dad did it when he was a kid." "Yes, I'm sure that the power is off." "It'll only hurt for a couple of days." "See, I'm not afraid of heights." |
| Famous Last Words: "The gun isn't loaded, ok?" "Yes, I double checked." "This fuse should give us plenty of time." "I don't think he has a gun." "This is a very safe neighborhood!" "I am 100% sure of the blast radius." |
| This is off a Coast Guard bumper sticker: Support Search and Rescue: GET LOST! |
| Darn those pushy metric system advocates! Give them 2.54 cm., and they'll take 1.6093 km! |
| Yo mama's so fat, her Inuit name is Denali! |
| Yo momma is so dumb, she thought a GameCube was a Rubik's puzzle. |
| Yo Momma's so fat, when she jumps in the ocean, people head for higher ground. |
| Yo self-centered momma is so fat, the world really does revolve around her! |
| Yo mama is so fat, your family photos have to be shot from a plane. |
| Yo mama is so fat and lazy, that her hair-do has been turned into a National Forest. |
| Yo Mama so stupid, she got fired at the M & M factory because she threw out all the W's! |
| 3 people were asked to find the "hardest" word in the dictionary. One person found the word "happiness". One person found the word"photosynthesis". The last person found the word "dick". |
| How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, blondes usually screw in cars! |
| What do railroad tracks and blondes have in common? They are both laid all over America! |
| How do you get a blonde to laugh on Friday? Tell her a joke on Monday! |
| What does a blonde do when she wakes up? She goes home! |
| A blonde is like a door knob, everyone gets a turn! |
| Knock Knock! Who's there? Little boy blue. Little Boy Blue who? Micheal Jackson!!!!! |
| Why are constipated people so mean and rude? ..because they don't give a crap! |
| What do hookers and bungee jump cords have in common? They're both cheap, fast and if the rubber breaks, your dead! |
| Yo mama so old that when I told her to act her age, she died! |
| If it sounds like a duck, has a beak like a duck and feet like a duck, and swims like a duck, you still better make sure that it ain't a platypus! |
| A boy asks his dad,"Dad, what is 6.9?" The dad answers, "69 interrupted by a period!" |
| Why does Santa have such big balls? Because he only comes once a year! |
| You're so stupid that you sold your car for gas money! |
| One blonde was so dumb she got locked in a bathroom and pissed her self! |
| A blonde is like a turtle. If either one is on their back, they are screwed! |
| How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a circular room and tell her there is a vibrator in the corner. How does a blonde confuse you? When she comes out and says she found it. |
| How many blonde jokes are there? One. The rest are all true stories. |
| What's the difference between a blonde and the internet? Not everyone has been on the internet! |
| How do you fit 4 gay guys on a chair? Turn it upside down! |
| What do Osama Bin Laden and crabs have in common. They both irritate bush! |
| What is grosser than gross? When a midget walks by and says your hair smells nice! |
| What is the name for a bandaid on a pumpkin? A pumpkin patch! |
| You're so stupid, you tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff. |
| Your so stupid you tried to kill a fish by drowning it! |
| Your so stupid you invented glow in the dark sun glasses! |
| You're so dumb you invented water proof tea bags! |
| You're so fat, when you went outside wearing a yellow dress everybody called "TAXI" |
| You're so ugly, you can't even turn on a lightbulb! |
| You're so fat that everybody has to talk behind your back! |
| Yo mama so ugly, when she went to go rob a bank she didn't have to use no gun, she just reached her head over the counter and said put the money in the bag!!!!! |
| Yo mama so fat, when she sat on a quarter, boogers came out of George Washington's nose. |
| What did the Lawyer name his daughter? Answer: Sue |
| Can you go skinny dippin' if you're fat? Is it possible to fight on a luv seat? If you drink tap water can you tap dance? by:lilpapa92 |
| Why did the blonde take a right into the ditch? Her blinker was on. |
| One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother." |
| How do you keep a blonde busy on a rainy day? Tell her to touch the rainbow. |
| You're so stupid that when you send a FAX you put a stamp on it |
| Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy. |
| Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it. |
| Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad we're penguins, doesn't it?" |
| What is the difference between a BMW & a porcupine? A porcupine has pricks on the outside. |
| That sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes when you're sad, no one understands your pain. Sometimes when you're happy, no one sees your smile. But you just have to fart once, and EVERYBODY knows. |
| Did you hear about the sailor who died, and wanted to be buried at sea by his 5 blonde daughters? His daughters all drowned digging the grave. |
| You're so poor I went in your front door and came out the back. |
| Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake |
| A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?" The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!" |
| Why don't you slip into something comfortable. Like a coma. |
| I haven't seen anyone run that fast since Twinkies went on sale. |
| Blondes are like a rollercoaster, everyone gets a ride!!! |
| What do you call an Irishman sitting in your backyard? Paddy O'Furniture |
| A tutor who tooted the flute Tried to teach two young tooters to toot Said the two to the tutor Is it harder to toot or To tutor two tooters to toot? |
| Broccoli, while not exoccoli, Is within an inach of being spinach. |
| Q. What's worse than raining cats and dogs? A. Hailing taxicabs! |
| Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "Of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!" |
| Q: Why did the blonde get pulled over by the police? A: Her headlights weren't working, so she was flashing people |
| Did you hear about the accident at the mall? There was a power outage and a group of blondes was stuck on the escalator for 3 hours! |
| Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi. |
| Q: What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river? A: Pollution. Q: What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge? A: Solution. |
| Yo Mama's so fat the only thing stopping her from getting into Jenny Craig is the door! |
| Knock-knock Who's there? Joe Joe who? Jo mama |
| I would punch you but I couldn't make you any uglier. |
| Knock-knock Whose there? Says Says who? Says me |
| Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots? A: Bunny farts! |
| What is Beethoven doing today? -Decomposing. |
| You might be a redneck if your baby's first words were, "Attention, K-mart shoppers!" |
| Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not! Boy: Good cause I didn't do my homework! |
| A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!" |
| A girl and her best friend were at a cafe. The girl said her boyfriend finally told her about marriage. Her best friend asked her what he said. "He is married and has 3 kids," she replied. |
| Yo momma is so fat she has more chins than a chinese phone book! |
| If two's a company and three's a crowd... what's four and five? NINE!!!! |
| Ghost Stories by I.C. Spooks Rocket to the sun by R.U.Nuts Your Book of Glamour by Q.T Pie The Camel Ride by Major Bum - issore How to Grow Shorter by Neil Down How to Grow Taller by Stan Dup |
| A Hole in the Bucket by Lee King Long Walk by Miss. D. Bus The Playground by C. Saw Fitting Carpets by Walter Wall Around the World by Sir Cumfrence Flexibility by Ben Dover Bladder Controld by Idon P. Freely |
| A blonde and brunette jump off a cliff at the same time. Why did the brunette hit the floor before the blonde? The blonde asked for directions! |
| Q: Why did the blonde have bruises around her bellybutton? A: Because her boyfriend was blond too! |
| What's another name for a push-up bra? False advertisement |
| A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn." |
| The Chinese say: Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk. |
| Men who walk in front of car get tired. Men who walk in back of car get exhausted. |
| What kind of soup do you order at a gay Chinese resturant? Cream of Yungi (Cream of Young Guy) |
| Yo mama is so dumb it took her an hour to make minute rice!!! |
| How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses? |
| "Your late teeing off, Fred." "Yup, well being Sunday I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church, or to play golf" "But why are you so late?" "I had to toss for it fifteen times!" |
| If you're fat. can you still disapear into thin air? If you're fat, can you still have slim chances of doing something? |
| What's the difference between yo mamma and a water buffalo? About 20 pounds! How do you even out the difference? Either force feed the buffalo or shave your mom. |
| Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother? New Recruit: Call for backup! |
| Yo mamma so fat when she sat on a jelly bean it got lost between her butt and her backbone, and we have been looking for it still for 31 years. |
| Q: What's the difference between a girls track team and a tribe of pygmies? A: The pygmies are cunning little runts. |
| Q: What do you call 4 blondes standing side-by-side? A: A wind tunnel. |
| What do you call a bear who's into gardening? A Hairy Potter! |
| How do you turn a blonde into a brunette? Make her do a cartwheel! |
| Middle Age: when knees buckle and belts don't. |
| Navy dentist's licence plate: TOP GUM |
| Poise: the ability to continue speaking fluently while the other fellow is picking up the cheque. |
| God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth." Angel: "What are you going to do now?" God: "Call it a day." |
| Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder. |
| Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb? A: We can change the bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get it changed overnight. |
| The ten things a guy knows about a girl: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. They have boobs. |
| Heard over the hospital public address system: Due to a mix up in Urology, no apple juice will be served this morning. |
| When ice skating, never judge a brook by its cover. |
| Children certainly brighten up a home. Who ever saw a child under 12 turn off an electric light? |
| What do you get when you see peas spinning in circles? World Peace (whirled peas) |
| What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot. |
| Yo mama so fat she's got a real horse on her polo shirt. |
| Visitor : "Knock knock?" Worker: "Who's there?" Visitor : "Doughnut Man." Worker: "Doughnut Man who?" Visitor : "For the last time, do not (doughnut) bother me with your useless 'Knock-Knock' jokes!" Worker: "But you started it!" |
| Knock-knock Who's there Who Who who I don't know what the heck your talking about but good owl impression. |
| What do you call a blonde which is as sweet as a pickle and has dirty blonde hair? A sweet potatoe! |
| Q: Why are fingers on the statue of liberty 11 inches long? A: Because if they were 12 inches they would be feet. |
| Knock Knock?? who's there? Hatch Hatch-who? Bless you |
| Who's Bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby? His baby cause he is a little Bigger. |
| Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team? She kept running away from the ball!! |
| Knock KnocK??? Who's there? Ya Ya who? Where did that cowboy come from?? |
| If a man becomes president, his wife is the first lady. If a woman became president, what would you call her husband? Whipped. |
| "He who laughs last, thinks slowest." |
| Why did Michael Jackson cover his body in cheese spread? Because kids will do anything for the taste of Dairylee. |
| For all you Blonde ladies out there. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them |
| What do you call a blond who can change a lightbulb? Talented |
| What do you call a man who put the toilet seat down after use? Don't know it's never happened. |
| How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb? One I hope. |
| What's the difference between a Ford and a golf ball? You can drive a golf ball 200 yards. |
| Q: How many FBI agents does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'm afraid that you are not able to receive this classified information. |
| Blonde jokes started when a brunette and a red head had to much time on their hands, because a blond was out with their boyfriends. |
| Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A: A mosquito will stop sucking when you smack it! |
| Q: A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all in the 3rd grade. Who has the biggest tits? A: The blonde because she is 18. |
| Q: How can you tell when a blonde has been driving your car? A: There is lipstick on the steering wheel from her blowing the horn. |
| Q. Why do blondes wear panties? A. To keep their ankles warm!! |
| Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? A: Fourth grade. |
| Q: What's the difference between Snowmen and Snowwomen? A: Snowballs |
| You're so fat you make sumos look anorexic. |
| You're so fat Richard Simmons laughs at you. |
| You might be a redneck if you think fast-food is hitting a dear at 65mph. |
| Two crisps are walking down the road when a car pulls up alongside and the driver leans out and says "Do you fancy a lift?". The crisps reply, "No thanks we're Walkers". |
| Police officer: "Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle". Dog owner: "Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle". |
| |
| Q.What is the speed limit for sex? A. 68, at 69 you have to turn around! |
| Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat. |
| A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike. "How'd you get that, son?" "By hiking." "Hiking?" "Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike." |
| Yo momma is so fat that she is on both sides of the family! |
| "He who laughs last, doesn't get the joke." |
| If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends? |
| There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can not! |
| Vacation begins when dad says. "I know a shortcut"! |
| Energizer Bunny arrested... charged with battery. |
| Lottery, a tax on people who can't do math |
| all generalizations are false |
| Yo momma so fat, and you so poor, she stepped in your house and the tires popped. |
| Eat right, stay fit, die anyway! |
| IRS... we've got what it takes, to take what you've got |
| Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. |
| DNA, national dyslexic association |
| Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home. |
| I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it. |
| No one is listening to you until you make a mistake. |
| Dyslexics of the world, untie! |
| DARE, to keep cops off donuts |
| On the other hand, you have different fingers. |
| Save a tree, eat a beaver!! |
| Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool. |
| Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep. |
| Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else! |
| Always go to other peoples funerals, or they wont come to yours. |
| Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. |
| Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. |
| Nobody's perfect-I'm a nobody. |
| Ask me about my vow of silence.. |
| Courdory pillows--they're making headlines. |
| What is another word for Thesaurus? |
| The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread. |
| How many gay people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 8, one to screw it in, and seven to stand back and say "Fabulous!" |
| There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. |
| Q: What is the definition of a sick bird? A: Illegal |
| Veronica: Nurse, I am losing my hair! Nurse: Okay, what size paper bag do you need? |
| Her name was Virginia. They called her Virgin for short, but not for long! |
| And out of the night came the terrible scream, "Who put the sand in the Vaseline!?" |
| If my dog was as ugly as your mom, I'd shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards! |
| A blonde missed a 44 bus so she took the 22 bus twice! |
| Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo? A: A jump rope |
| Q: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a sheep? A: A sweater with pockets |
| What's the difference between two yards? A. Usually a fence. |
| Knock Knock? Who's there? Megan Megan who? Makin a list chekin it twice gonna find out who's naughty or nice. |
| When physics meets Star Wars: May the net force be with you! |
| Q: Why did piglet look in the toilet? A: He was looking for Pooh (poo) |
| There were 3 tomatoes. A momma tomato, a papa tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato started to fall behind and the papa tomato called over to him and said, "Ketchup!" |
| All lazy peoples' slogan must be "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." But fear not for all of you who wake up early just keep this in mind: The first cat gets the mouse. |
| Knock Knock! Who's there? Yo da lay he. Yo da lay he who? I didn't know you could yodel! |
| Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex? Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers. |
| Q: What's black, blue, brown and laying in a ditch? A: A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes. |
| Knock-Knock Who's There? Rita Rita who? Rita book, you might learn something! |
| Q. What do you call a guy that sits on your doorstep? A. A Matt. |
| Q: What do you call a guy with a Spade in his head? A: Doug. Q: What do you call a guy without a spade in his head? A: Douglas |
| Question: Who am I if I have 73 eyes, 4 noses, 8 heads, 139 arms, 78 legs and 100, 000, 000 lips? Answer: A liar. |
| Yo daddy so bald he has to have holes in his pocket to finger through his hair. |
| Why is the letter E like London? Because it is the Capital of England |
| What disasters would happen if a waiter dropped a plate of turkey? The downfall of Greece, the overthrow of Turkey and the break up of China |
| What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college? "Would you like fries with that?" |
| Knock-Knock? Who's there? Alison. Alison who? Alison (I listen) to the radio sometimes! |
| Yo' mama so poor, all she got you for Christmas was a video of other kids playin' with their toys! |
| What does it mean when a blonde is saying, "yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no?" She's testing if her brunette friend's turn signal is working! |
| A man walks in to an auto store and asks the blonde cashier where the turtle wax is. The blonde says,"I'm sorry sir, but we don't sell pet supplies." |
| What's the difference between a jailer and a jeweler? One sells watches, one watches cells! |
| Yo mamma so stupid she threw a clock out the window to see time fly. |
| Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room? So she could use it as a mirror! |
| Yo mama is so stupid that she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind. |
| Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on? A: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.'' |
| Yo mama so short, she did a suicide jump off of the curb. |
| Your IQ is so low, you have to dig for it! |
| It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. |
| How did the redneck die drinking milk? The cow sat on him! |
| Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one, and everyone elses' stinks. |
| What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk. |
| How do you tell that a blonde has been at a computer? There is lipstick on the joy stick! |
| Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen? A: To draw blood. |
| Yo momma's so fat that I ran out of gas trying to drive around her. |
| How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? Wave! |
| What did the baby lightbulb say to his mother? I wuv you watts and watts! |
| Yo' Mama's teeth are so yellow, her tonsils have to wear sunglasses. |
| Yo mama is so dumb she brought toilet paper to a craps game. |
| A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened. "The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron." "What about the other one?" "They called back." |
| Q. What happens when you cross a Bulldog with a Shih tzu? A. You get Bullshit. |
| What is a blonde's mating call? NEXT!!!!!!!! |
| Yo mama so ugly when she threw a boomerang it never came back! |
| Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!'' The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?'' |
| Yo mama's so dumb, she drowned during the wave at the football stadium. |
| How are women and a tornado alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave. |
| Ben Dover Mike Hunt Phil McCrackin Ajock Strap Anita Cock Ipe Freely Seymour Buttes |
| On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms. |
| A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender smiles and says "Hey, ya know we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper stops and says "Really? You have a drink called Steve?" |
| Borrow money from a pessimist---They don't expect it back. |
| A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. |
| Where does Superman's goldfish live ? In the superbowl.... |
| Where does Batman's goldfish live ? In the BAT-TUB!! ahahaha... |
| An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!" |
| What do you call a fly without wings? A walk. |
| Two atoms are walking down the street when one atom says to the other, "I think I lost an electron." The other atom says "Are you sure?" "Yeah I'm positive!" |
| What do you call a pretty woman in Poland? A tourist |
| What is worst tasting, a bag of onions or porkloaf? Porkloaf, why? Because porkloaf spelled backwards is faolkrop which sounds like fowl crap. |
| Your mom's so fat, I have to take a bus a train and a cab just to get on her good side. |
| Your mom's so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion. |
| Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she looks at the menu and says, "OK"! |
| Two ducks walk into a bar... One duck looks at the other and says "Guess you didn't see it either." |
| A test-tube baby has a womb with a view. |
| If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed? |
| Your mama so fat that when she goes swimming in the ocean all the whales start singing, "We are familly even though you fatter than me". |
| Your dad's bald spot is so big you could draw an H on it and call it a helicopter landing pad. |
| What do you call something with 4 eyes, 3 noses, 7 ears, and 2 mouths? Ugly! |
| A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. |
| Q: How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb???? A: Since when do roaches screw in lightbulbs? |
| Why did the bubblegum cross the road? Because he was stuck to the chickens leg. |
| Why did President George W. Bush go into a gorilla's nest in the jungle? To be with his family! |
| A man and wife are out shopping one day. The wife turns to her husband and says; "Darling it's my mum's birthday tomorrow what shall we get her? Perhaps something electric?" "A chair?" replies the husband. |
| What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice... |
| Joe and Ted finished an exam and talked to each other afterwards. "I did terrible," said Joe. "I think I was filling in the wrong bubbles!" "Me too," replied Ted. "Well, why did you do terrible?" asked Joe. "I forgot to bring a pencil!" |
| Joe: I got a problem. Ed: What's the matter? Joe: Women. I just don't understand them. Ed: Do you understand your TV? Joe: No. Ed: So what's the problem? |
| A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." |
| I half a spelling checker, It came with my pea sea; It plainly marks four my revue, Mistakes I kin not sea. I've run this poem threw it, I'm sure your please two no, Its letter perfect in it's weigh, My checker tolled me sew. |
| Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and let me in! |
| Officer: "And you still insist you're innocent, in spite of the fact that we have six witnesses to the crime ?" Offender: "If it's witnesses you want, I can produce seventy people who didn't see me steal the stuff." |
| When is it Michael Jackson's bed time? When the little hand meets the big hand. |
| What do you call happiness? Seeing your mother-in-law's photo on the back of a milk carton! |
| What's the difference between an alchoholic & a drug addict? The alchoholic drives over the stop sign, while the drug addict waits for it to turn green. |
| Barry calls his boss. "I'm having problems with my eyes." "What's wrong with them?" his boss asks. "I just can't see myself coming into work today." |
| If I wanted to think of a better come back, I'd dig it out of your @$$! |
| Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night. |
| What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in spring training. |
| What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They have spelt MACY'S wrong!" |
| Q. What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick ? A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck. |
| Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for ? A. They are Braille for "suck here". |
| Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin ? A. You come in one and go in the other. |
| Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex ? A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time. |
| Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job ? A. After 5 years your job will still suck. |
| Q. What's the best thing about a blow job ? A. Ten minutes of silence. |
| Q. How is a woman like a laxative ? A. They both irritate the shit out of you. |
| Q. Why do husbands die before their wives ? A. They want to |
| Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull ? A. Lipstick. |
| What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant. |
| A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.'' The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.'' |
| There once was a very old man, whose verses no one could scan. And when they asked, "Why?" he said, "I don't know, I "just put too many words in the last line, I guess." |
| There was an old man from Purdue whose limericks stopped on line two. |
| What's the difference between a Scot and Mick Jagger? Mick Jagger sang "Hey, you, get offa my cloud." The Scot says "Hey, McCloud, get offa my ewe." |
| A blonde walked into a library and said to the librarian, "Can I have some fish and chips please?" The librarian gave her a funny look and said, " I'm sorry, this is a library." So the blonde whispers,"Can I have some fish and chips please?" |
| Yo momma's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this: "Washington, California..." |
| What is a horse's favourite Shakepearean play? Rodeo and Juliet |
| Yo moma's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen. |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_19.txt |
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| @@ -0,0 +1,636 @@ |
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| Yo moma's like a fine restaurant, she only takes deliveries in the rear. |
| Yo momma's like a bubble gum machine, 5 cents a blow. |
| Why do they bury lawyers 10 feet below ground instead of the usual 6? Because deep down, they're not so bad! |
| Which is heavier, 20 pounds of rocks or 20 pounds of sugar? Their both 20 pounds! doy! |
| Better to be pissed off than pissed on. |
| What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? time to get a new fence! |
| What do you call a pig who knows karate? A Pork-Chop! |
| Roses are red, Grass is green. You have the shape Of a washing machine. |
| What's brown and has holes in it? Swiss shit! |
| How many blondes does it takes to screw in a lightbulb? three: one to unscrew it one to buy a new lightbulb one to call her boyfriend to screw it back in. |
| Definition of Agony? One armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy balls |
| Joe: Hi Jack. How did you like horseback riding? Jack: Not that much. The problem was that the horse was too polite. Joe: Polite? Jack: Yep. When we reached the fence he let me go over first. |
| It has been determined. The most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead. |
| You're so dumb, you studied for a blood test! |
| Children in the back of the car cause accidents. Accidents in the back of the car cause children |
| A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him. "You, sir, are drunk!" "And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!" |
| |
| Q) How many jugglers does it take to change a lightbulb? A) One, but it takes 3 lightbulbs. |
| Q)Where do penguins go to dance? A)The snowball |
| Q)Where do eskimo pigs live? A)In a pigloo. |
| Q)Why does a traffic light turn red? A)You would to if you had to change in front of all those people. |
| Q)what do you call a polar bear in the jungle? A)lost! |
| Q)A hippo is sitting on your chair....what time is it? A)Time to get a new chair |
| Q: What do you get when a rooster crosses a duck? A: A bird that gets up at the quack of dawn! |
| Q.Why shouldn't you wear snow boots? A.Because they will melt! |
| Q. Why would Snow White be a good judge? A.Because she's the fairest in the land. |
| Q.Where do tough chickens come from? A.Hard boiled eggs! |
| Q.Why did the house go to the doctor? A.To get a cure for his window pane! |
| What did the chef name his son? Stu |
| How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste! |
| What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food? "Let us prey." |
| What did the cat say to the elephant? "......................meOW!" |
| An epileptic young woman named Camp Was seduced on her couch by a tramp But the first time he squeezed her She had a Grand seizure And broke both his balls and a lamp. |
| A horny old trapper named Rex Liked the risks of wild porcupine sex. By incredible luck His dick never got stuck, But his nuts were just pitiful wrecks. |
| You're so fat, when you sleep over someone's house, you sleep OVER someone's house! |
| You're so dumb, you tried to rip the lips off a chicken! |
| zebra: 25 sizes bigger than an 'A' bra |
| Russian Roulette, by Hugo First |
| The Lazy Boy, by Yu Doit |
| On clothes: do not iron while wearing. On a baby carriage: do not fold while in use. |
| How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb? Only one - but he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it. |
| What do soccer players drink? Penaltea! |
| At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man." |
| My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog in the street. "Oh, that's terrible" "Yes, it was terrible to watch the dog die slowly in convulsions." |
| How do you get holy water? You boil the hell out of it! |
| Locomotive: A crazy reason for a crime! |
| A father watched his young son practice baseball in the backyard by throwing the ball up and swinging at it. Time and time again the bat missed contact. The boy noticed his father watching, and said, "Wow, Dad! Aren't I a great pitcher?" |
| Bumper sticker: BE KIND TO ANIMALS. HUG A HOCKEY PLAYER. |
| I found a way to make a horse stand perfectly still. Place a bet on him. |
| Q: How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. |
| What do u call, a hippopotamus that dances? A hiphopanominus |
| How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it! |
| What is the square root of 69? Ate something (8....) |
| Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can ho ho ho. |
| I used to think you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts |
| Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it. |
| Q: How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it? |
| Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Does it have to be a lightbulb? |
| Why do firemen use red suspenders? To hold their pants up!!! |
| You're so dumb, you staple in the middle of the paper! |
| Yo momma is so stupid that she gets lost in a telephone booth. |
| Q: You know what's gross? A: When you look in a mirror! |
| Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was attempting to cross it when yo mamma got hungry. |
| Q:What do you call a 500 pound Russian that can bend you like a bendy straw? A:Sir |
| What's black and white and played all over? Black and White (the computer game) |
| Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide! |
| How many nerds does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to be the cunsultant. One to be the labor manager. Two to hire people. Four to actually screw in the lightbulb. Five to be the ladder and ten to be the company board of directors. |
| What do you call a herd of white people? Avalanche What do you call a herd of black people? Mudslide What do you call a herd of mexicans? Jailbreak! |
| Guy1: Thats a bunch of cows. Farmer: No, a herd. Guy1: Of course I've heard of cows. Farmer:.No, I mean the cow herd Guy1: I have no secrets from cows |
| Friends are like condoms, they protect you when things get hard. |
| Q. How do you know when you're REALLY ugly? A. Your dog humps your leg with his eyes closed |
| Hunny, you forgot to put down the toilet seat again. Oh my God! you don't know how to fix a car. Wife says: How do I look? Man: Terrible, go change! |
| After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home." |
| Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children. |
| If a rabbit were racing cabbage, who would win? The cabbage, because it's a head. |
| Where should a dressmaker live? On the outskirts of the city. |
| Why was the broom tired? It over swept. |
| You're so dumb, you invented the solar powered flashlight! |
| Knock knock. Who's there? You. You who? Yoo hoo, I'm right over here! |
| Yo momma so fat, when she hauls ass, she has friends come help! |
| Yo momma so fat, when she walks in front of the T.V., you miss 5 minutes of your show! |
| Yo momma so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet! |
| Yo momma so fat, when she goes swimming she gives the pool stretch marks! |
| Yo momma so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party! |
| Yo momma so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts! |
| Yo momma so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller! |
| Yo momma so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin! |
| Yo momma so fat, she pulls up a chair to an all-u-can-eat buffet! |
| Yo momma so fat, she made weight watchers go blind! |
| Yo momma so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen! |
| Q: What would you do w/out your memories ? A: Forget |
| Q: What is the difference between a fish and a piano ? A: You can't tuna fish. |
| Q: What did the seismologist say when he messed up? A: It's not my fault. |
| Q. What animal talks the most? A. The yak. |
| Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and some peanut butter? A: Either an elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth, or peanut butter that never forgets. |
| Q: What did judge say when the skunk came in the court ? A: Odor in the court. |
| A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs. |
| Two white horses fell in the mud and three came out. |
| You're so dumb, you drowned when you were bathed in sunlight. |
| What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? "You may have graduated, but I have several degrees." |
| I see London, I see France, I see your underpants. |
| Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers!!! |
| What kind of soup weighs 1000 pounds? Won ton soup! |
| A man drove up to a beautiful lady at a stop light. She was in a nice Porsche. He asks her, "Excuse me, miss, you have Grey Poupon?" "I sure hope not, I just got my car waxed; damn those birds." |
| My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic. |
| Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper... It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while! |
| Why did the blonde run out of shampoo? She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat! |
| In a recent survey, 60 percent of respondents said the cities they live in are noisier now than they were five years ago. The other 40 percent didn't hear the question. |
| Knock Knock! Who's There? Dishwasher. Dishwasher Who? Dishwasher whay I sphoke vhefore I hafe fawse feeth (This was the way I spoke before I had false teeth) |
| Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender? MENstruation MENopause MENtal breakdown GUYnecology (Gynecology) HIMmorrhoid (Hemorrhoid) |
| An agitated patron calls on to the blond waiter and inquired why there was a footprint on his meal. "Well," the innocent-looking blond waiter replied. "You rushed in here, ordered an omelette and asked me to step on it." |
| A blond was using a pager for the first time. When the operator instructed her to key in "10" to leave a voice message, she followed and after the beep, said, "Excuse me, may I speak to Zeron please?" |
| Yo momma's so old, her memories are in black and white! |
| Yo moma's like a mail box, open all day and all night. |
| Q. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker had for Christmas? A. He felt his presence! |
| Q. How did the blond injure herself raking leaves? A. She fell out of the tree! |
| Q. What did Stevie Wonder say about the cheese grater he got for Christmas? A. It was the scariest book he had ever read! |
| If you were any more pointless, you would be a circle. |
| If your IQ was any lower you would trip on it. |
| Yo momma is so fat when she sits down in class she sits by everyone. |
| Yo momma is so fat when I put her on the family tree the branch broke. |
| Yo momma is so fat her belt size is the equator. |
| A woman went to a wishing well and wished that she could become a better driver. So she turned into a man. |
| Q: How many Lizzie's does it take to screw up a light bulb A: I Dunno, but it only takes one to screw up a graduation ( from movie lizzie McGuire: she ruins junior high graduation) |
| Did you hear about the blond who tried to hijack a submarine? She demanded $100,000 and a parachute. |
| You know something is wrong with today's educational system when you figure out that of the three R's, reading, writing, and arithmetic, only one actually starts with an R. |
| What do Michael Jackson and plastic bags have in common? They are both made out of plastic and are dangerous for children to play with. |
| How many cartoon characters does it take to screw in a light bulb? nine - three to find a light bulb, three to figure out how to remove the old one, three to screw it in, and all of them to complicate it! |
| How do you know, your computer hates you? When it grows and pop ups. |
| Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? Now, think about it..... Ready??? ARE YOU SURE??? A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find. |
| How do you know that you're a computer geek? You catch a computer virus and take a virus scanning pill every week. |
| What exactly does the government do? They seem to complicate all the simple things while trying to do the opposite. |
| Once upon a time, there was an elderly couple. Next door, there lived a Peeping Tom. One day, the couple received a phone call. The woman said, "Fred! Peeping Tom tells us to shut the blinds or he'll call the police!" |
| One day my wife was changing my daughter's diaper, and my 3 year old son walked in and saw her and asked, "Mommy, where is her thingy?" I almost had a heart attack, laughing so hard that day. |
| How many worms does it take to screw in a light bulb? What kind of an idiot thinks worms can screw in light bulbs?! |
| You know that you're a really boring person when someone steals your identity and then tries to give it back. |
| Said the pig to his pop, "There's the candy shop. Oh, please Let's go inside." "And I promise I won't make a kid of myself if you give me a people-back ride." |
| The idiots we have today. They're so stupid they make turkeys seem smart. They even make sponges seem smarter. |
| A blonde buys a box of laundry detergent, and it says on the box, "20 uses". A day later, the blonde calls the laundry detergent company and says, "I bought your product and the box says '20 uses', but all it does is my laundry!" |
| Fill in the blank to this odd analogy. Quiz is to quizzical as test is to _______ |
| Yo momma's so fat, she shows up on radar. |
| Q: What's the similarity between tyrannosaurus and blondes with an IQ greater then 200. A: Both are extinct. |
| Did you know that nobody can lick their elbow? *75% of the people that read this try it* |
| How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb??? None, they will just have there robot do it. |
| One day Bob (a boy) went to Sally (a beautiful girl). Bob told her, "Sal, Jack (a boy) wants you." She replied, "I know." They stand in silence for a while. Bob finally said, "I mean he needs your help." "Oh." |
| Remember, whenever someone says that you're nobody, remember nobody's perfect. |
| What did the mother match say to the baby match? Don't scratch your head. |
| What do you say to a person who says that they are going to tell on you? You say: Too late, I already told. |
| Why did the teenager cross the road? Because his parents told him not to. |
| Q: What is a man's idea of helping you with the housework? A: Lifting up his legs so you can vacuum underneath them. |
| What does the government have but never uses to make life simple? Their power! |
| Yo momma so fat that every time she turned around it was her birthday. |
| You are so ugly your mum has to feed you with a slingshot |
| Which came first - the chicken or the egg? It depends on who got laid first! |
| There was a young hooker named Gail whose price was tattooed on her tail. And on her behind, for the sake of the blind, was the same information in Braille. |
| How many ears did Davy Crockett have? 3 - His right ear, his left ear, and his wild front-ear. |
| You've all heard of TGIF - Thank God It's Friday, right? Well my Secretary refers to Friday as POETS day... Piss Off Early, Tomorrow's Saturday....!!! |
| Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test. Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you. |
| Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? Jose: Don't bite any. |
| First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." |
| Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day? Alfred: I get up early. |
| Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. |
| Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. Willy: Me |
| Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. |
| A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." |
| Patient: "Doctor, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people." Doctor: "Tell me about your problem." Patient: "I just did, you moron!" |
| If the entire world was a stage and God was the director, what we need is a rehearsal. |
| Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. |
| Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake The Exorcist? The new movie is about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son. |
| "When I see a monk's ass I just grab it." Said the lazily amorous abbot. "Although it's more fun, To have sex with a nun, It's so hard to get into the habit!" |
| Q: What is black and white and green and black and white? A: Two nuns fighting over a sweaty pickle. Q: What is black and white and grinds up and down, up and down? A: A nun churning butter. |
| Q: What is black and white and gooey and creamy? A: A nun eating a bowl of Tapioca pudding. Q: What is black and white and makes a wet, sucking sound? A: A toothless, elderly nun eating a Communion wafer. |
| Why can't blondes put in lightbubs? Because they keep breaking them with hammers. |
| Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time. |
| What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow. |
| Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!" |
| If love is blind is then why is lingerie so popular? |
| What do you call 100 lawyers jumping out of an airplane? Skeet |
| A father knelt with his son to hear his prayers. The three-year-old boy began in all seriousness: "Our Father who Art in Heaven, how do You know my name?" |
| And another four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." |
| Pilot: "Pilot to tower. I am 300 miles from land. 600 feet over water and running out of fuel. Please instruct!" Tower: "Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, who art in heaven...'" |
| A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?" He replied, "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise'." |
| What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairy tale begins with, "Once upon a time..." A southern fairy tale begins, "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this..." |
| How are men and parking spots alike? Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely short. |
| The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes: "Parking for drive-through customers only!" |
| The zoology teacher asked a small boy to make a sentence using the word "possum." He answered, "Maw got horny and gave possum." |
| There once was a man from Hybernia, Who Rhymed himself into a hernia. He became adept At this practice except For occasional anti-climaxes. |
| What is a plant's favorite school year? KinderGARDEN!!! |
| What did the lunch lady say to the boiled egg? You're in hot water now!!! |
| Teacher: "Why does an elephant have a trunk?" Student: "Because it doesn't have a glove compartment!" |
| A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate task that was completed successfully. The local news heralded, . . . "St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant." |
| #1 rule of a redneck- If duck tape don't fix it (doubt it), mount it on the wall instead. |
| A guy walks into a bar wearing a pair of jumper cables around his neck. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey buddy, don't try to start anything..." |
| The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. |
| Did you hear about the football game with the 0-0 score? Never mind, it's pointless. |
| This man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder and the bar tender asks him, "What's your newt's name?" and the man replies, "Tiny" and the bar tender says, "Why is he called Tiny?" and the man replies, "Because he is minute." (minute means small) |
| Yo momma so fat that when she sits around the house, she dosen't just sit around the house, she sits around the whole neighborhood. |
| "Knock-Knock" "Who's there?" "Boo" "Boo who?" "Why are you crying?" |
| What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity. |
| What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 lbs. |
| What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes. |
| What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. |
| What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. |
| Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. |
| Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls. |
| What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck. |
| During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life." |
| Your so ugly you remind me of an elephants bottom. |
| What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad? One says "Ribbit ribbit" and the other says "Rubbit rubbit". |
| A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?" |
| A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim." |
| Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" Johnny's father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine." |
| The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, "You know, you're really a lousy lover!" The husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?" |
| There once was this kid named Oddy, He always missed the Potty, He went some poops, and shouted out oops, Because Oddy Missed the Potty |
| What did the number 0 say to the number 8? "Hey, nice belt!" |
| The Perfect Breakfast: You're sitting at the table and: your son is on the cover of the box of Wheaties.... your mistress is on the cover of Playboy ... and your wife is on the back of the milk carton... |
| First, you get a little hoarse. Then, you get a little buggy. |
| Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. |
| An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead. |
| Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." |
| Hickory, Dickory Dock Three mice ran up the clock The clock struck one... The rest got away with minor injuries |
| |
| A little boy asked his mother: Mummy, why are you white and I am black? Don't even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don't bark. |
| Want to hear a clean joke? Bob took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Bobs neighbor. |
| Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? A: Halfway. |
| On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere." Written just below it: "I do not." |
| Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? A. They're afraid of flying off the handle! |
| How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving. |
| If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? |
| Knock-Knock Why are you knocking? I've got a doorbell |
| A Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a CONCISE essay containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery. The only "A+" in the class read: "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?" |
| JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill Forgot the pill And now they have a son. |
| MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Her father shot it dead Now it goes to school with her Between two hunks of bread. |
| HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall All the king's horses and all the king's men Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again. |
| HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE, the cat did a piddle, all over the bedside clock, The little dog laughed to see such fun then died of electric shock. |
| GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play He kissed them as well, he's funny that way. |
| THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL, who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead... And when she was good, she was very very good, But when she was bad she got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo and a sports car. |
| Question: What is the best way to get rid of Irish people? Answer: Throw a dollar off of a bridge! Question: What is the best way to get rid of more Irish people? Answer: Say that no one found the dollar yet! |
| "Flight 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" |
| A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits." |
| Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist. |
| Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. |
| When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. |
| Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant |
| Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. |
| Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. |
| Be a good housekeeper. When you leave him ... get a good lawyer ...keep his house |
| |
| Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. |
| The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. |
| Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. |
| There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead. |
| Life is sexually transmitted. |
| An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. |
| Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. |
| The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. |
| Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. |
| Q:How many Men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 3! 1 to actually screw in the lightbulb, the other 2 need to be there so he can brag about the screwing part! |
| Get the last word in: Apologize. |
| Some people are like Slinkies...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. |
| Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? |
| How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? |
| The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating. -Heard in a neuropsychology classroom |
| Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." |
| |
| "Hillary Clinton has finished her memoirs for publication next year, while Bill has barely finished the first chapter. Well, in all fairness, Fiction is a lot harder to write." - Jay Leno |
| "Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments." - David Letterman |
| "CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it." - Jay Leno |
| Q: Why did the blond crash her helicopter? A: Because she was cold and decided to turn off the ceiling fan! |
| Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle. |
| If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow -- even during a hurricane! -- here is a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble. |
| An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse. |
| Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit it onto all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out, and for no reason at all, you really stink. |
| I play in the low 80's. If it is hotter than that, I won't play. |
| Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously, it won't work -- and both are expensive. |
| In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers. They shoot a six, yell fore, and write five. |
| Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?" "Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll just take da bus." |
| The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself." |
| Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!" |
| What is black and white and red all over? An embarrassed zebra |
| Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand and on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth. |
| Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing." |
| Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?" Ole said, "No, I'm Norvegian...and my name isn't Valter." |
| |
| Q: Do you know why doctors slap babies on the butt after they are born? A: It knocks the penises off of the dumb ones. |
| Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface. |
| Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. |
| Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. |
| I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me. |
| I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast. |
| Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." |
| I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here. |
| I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. |
| If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? |
| I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. |
| There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's. |
| I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. |
| Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. |
| How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? |
| Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? |
| Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? |
| Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. |
| Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" |
| Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary. |
| Life is full of uncertainties...or could I be wrong about that? |
| A couple of weeks ago the clouds over western Washington were moving to the west. Normally they head east, inland over the mountains to central Washington and beyond. Scientists blamed the switch on mad cloud disease. |
| A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"?? |
| Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People." |
| A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two tired. |
| What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). |
| Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. |
| A backward poet writes inverse. |
| She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. |
| A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. |
| If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. |
| When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. |
| Not to worry: the man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. |
| The difference between the Pope and your boss.... The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. |
| My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. |
| The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. |
| It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course there's shipping and handling, too. |
| A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. |
| My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can. |
| A brunette said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." |
| I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. |
| I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. |
| Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex. |
| As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way. |
| Progress in airline flying; Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant. |
| I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous. |
| Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries. |
| What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up, the pilot dies. |
| "You certainly look cool." "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." |
| Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that's where you get shitty ideas from. |
| A girl's legs are her best friends, but the best of friends must part. -- Redd Foxx |
| "My karma ran over my dogma." -Anonymous |
| What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes! |
| Bin Laden is sitting with his son and they are watching the Twin Towers collapse. His son asks him, "Dad, which film is this?" to which he replied, "Son, this isn't a film, this is a series." |
| Why does a blonde keep lowering her head in the supermarket? She is looking for low prices. |
| What does a blonde have on her when she is naked? A working uniform. |
| How would you drown a blond? Put a mirror at the bottom of the swimming pool |
| How does a blond turn the light on after sex? ANSWER: She opens the car door. |
| Why does the blond take off the doors from the bathroom when she is having a wash? ANSWER: So no one would look through the keyhole. |
| Why is it good to have a blond in your car? ANSWER: You can park on places for disabled |
| What is the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? It's easier to open the legs on the blonde. |
| What does a blond say when she is watching a porn movie? ANSWER: "Look, me!" |
| Why does a blond stand next to a mirror with her hands on her eyes? She wants to see how she looks like when she is sleeping. |
| Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a tortoise? A: The blond is better on her back than the tortoise. |
| A man is passing a blonde and he says, "Where are those legs going?" and the blonde answers, "They are going home for now unless something comes between them." |
| Have you heard about the blonde that started writing a diary of all her thoughts? Yes, after 3 years she is on the second page now. |
| James came to school late. TEACHER: James, why are you late? JAMES: I had to take the cow to the bull to mate. TEACHER: Couldn't your father do that? JAMES: No, I think it's better for the bull to do it. |
| Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. |
| The journey of a thousand miles ... begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. |
| Sex is like air. It's not important... unless you aren't getting any. |
| Never test the depth of the water with both feet. |
| If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again... It was probably worth it. |
| Some days you are the bug. Some days you are the windshield. |
| Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. |
| Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. |
| There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. |
| Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. |
| We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things get worse. |
| Everyone seems normal until you get to know them |
| There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." |
| Roses are red, Roses are yellow; Grandfather's teeth Are lost in the Jello. |
| Waitress: "Would you like your coffee black?" Customer: "What other colors do you have?" |
| Tex: "My uncle can shoot a gun faster than any other man in the West. He can even shoot without removing the gun from his Holster." Rex: "What do they call your uncle?" Tex: "Toeless Joe." |
| Sam: "Where have I seen your face before?" Pam: "Right where it is now." |
| Doctor: "Stop worrying so much. Forget your troubles. Throw yourself into your work." Patient: "But, Doc, I mix paint for a living!" |
| Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man Love, To forgive him and Patience, For his moods Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death |
| "Why do you keep reading the Bible every day?" the teenage girl asked her grandfather. "Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam," said Granddad. |
| Two Hindu swamis were in conversation. One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?" His companion replied, "It kept me up all night." |
| Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." |
| The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs. |
| "It's no use. Art doesn't listen to me," said a little boy who was praying for a new bike. "Art who?" asked the boy's mother. "Art in heaven," came the reply. |
| Practice safe eating ...Always use condiments. |
| What do you call it when you hear Vrrrrm.ERT.Vrmmm.Ert? Answer: A Blond at A Blinking Red Light. |
| I heard you got a baby. Dad: Yes, and I am very happy. So what about the wife? Dad: She still doesn't know. |
| Beauty is only a light switch away |
| If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together, and have the time of our lives! |
| Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. |
| No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. |
| Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED! |
| A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has, tires, or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. |
| Q: What do you call a non-churchgoer? A: A Seventh-Day Absentist |
| This guy and a girl were in a golf cart and the guy drops his tees out of his pocket and the lady asks what is he doing? So, the guy says: I put my balls on them and I drive them. |
| How many cheerleaders does it take to screw in a light bulb? They wouldn't, they might brake a nail! |
| Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young. |
| We child-proofed our home 3 years ago but they're still getting in! |
| The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. |
| Who eats cereal and plays golf? Tony the Tiger Woods. |
| Why is it hard for dalmatians to play hide-and-seek? Because they're always spotted! |
| What do you get when you aim a nuclear weapon at a disobedient country? South Korean Barbecue. |
| What do you call a holy man that fries potatoes? A chipmonk |
| "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual." |
| I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. "No," he said, "the steaks are too high." |
| What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. |
| John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day. Mary: Are you wearing it now? John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it's top of the line. Mary: What kind is it? John: Twelve-thirty. |
| You're so stupid, that you called my house and asked for my number! |
| What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman? You can drop her off anywhere. |
| What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. |
| What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with? Whatever she wants. He's sleeping. |
| As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses. |
| One day, a teacher at an elementary school asks one of her students how clouds form. She replied "I'm not sure how clouds form, but the clouds know how to form, and that's the important thing...." |
| What starts with B, has 2 E's, and ends in R???? Birthday Cheer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
| Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too. Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside. Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins. |
| After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. |
| If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. |
| Interchangeable parts aren't. |
| The one item you need is always in short supply. |
| Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder! |
| Very stinky I can be. And a wet hole is all you see. Give me a rod and I'm happy. In the silence I can queef. No one thinks they're eating beef. And please oh please don't use teeth. |
| "I Give Evolution Two Opposable Thumbs Up." |
| Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder 1. The DNA is all the same. 2. There are no dental records. |
| A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say?" asked the nurse. "OOPS!" |
| Q: What do you call a sheep that does karate? A: A lamb chop |
| Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? A: They all have phones. |
| Why are Democrats better than Republicans in bed? You've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant, have you? |
| "God give me patience....And make it quick!" |
| Your mama is so flat chested, the last time she had a breast was in a bucket at KFC. |
| A Buddhist approaches a hotdog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything." He gives the vendor a $20 bill and waits. Finally he says: "Where's my change?" Says the vendor: "All change must come from within." |
| Q: What does the tooth fairy give for half a tooth? A: Nothing. She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth |
| Q: What do you get when you cross a Scottish sheep with a Peruvian Mountain Goat? A: The Dolly Llama. |
| A father, angry at his son for not doing well at school tells him, "At your age, George Washington was the best student in his class." "Yeah dad..." replies the kid..."and at yours, he was the President of the United States!" |
| A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites. "Do you reject the devil?" asked the priest. "This is no time to be making enemies," replied the author. |
| WIFE : " I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day." HUSBAND : " I too wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday!" |
| What do fish paint with? Water colours! |
| Where do fish keep their life savings? At the river bank! |
| Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!" |
| Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" |
| Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with? A: He enters Nerdvana. |
| Getting a new girlfriend is like joining the Army. You get a new haircut and new clothes, and all information is given to you on a need-to-know basis. |
| Former Vice President Dan Quayle says that if you take out the profanity, the TV show "The Osbounes" is about good family values. You take out the profanity, and "The Osbournes" is about 30 seconds long. |
| What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding? You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is. |
| What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine |
| True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? |
| What is the definition of wicker box? It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna. |
| Yo mama so dumb that she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company. |
| What does a Mexican firefighter name his twin sons? Jose and Josbe |
| Proverb : Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Refined by me : Behind every successful man, there is a very much surprised woman. |
| Yo momma's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this : Washington, California, Nevada, now Arizona |
| This is the epitaph on the gravestone of an army mule: Here lies Maggie, who in her time kicked two colonels, four majors, ten captains, twenty-four lieutenants, forty-two sergeants, four hundred eighty-six privates, and one bomb. |
| Yo momma is like a Nascar race car, she burns rubber everynight! |
| On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out. |
| Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists? A. They have shaky hands! |
| Q: What's green, has 3 eyes, sharp teeth, and blood on its face? A: I don't know, but it's on your shoulder! |
| If there are 12 cats on a fence and 1 cat jumps off, how many are left? None, they're all copycats! |
| Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: She was afraid she might get hearing aids. |
| Q:What did the blonde's right leg say to her left leg? A:Nothing, they haven't met yet. |
| Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger: Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down! |
| A policeman pulled a blonde over because she was driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people are leaving. |
| Yo momma cooks so bad, your family prays after they eat! |
| Yo Momma so hairy . . . . . she has to have a hair trapper in her kitchen sink. |
| Yo momma is so fat I had to take five trains, eight cars, and twelve airplanes just to get around her! |
| Blondes are like pool tables - every time you put a dollar in, she'll rack your balls. |
| Three ants went to the beach to swim. Two jumped directly in the water. The other went back home and after an hour returned. Why? She forgot her swimming suit!! |
| "Danny," asked Mrs Waters, "What's usually used as a conductor of electricity?" "Why- er..." "Correct, wire. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power?" "The what??" That's absolutely right. The watt." |
| Knock Knock. Who's there? Ketchup. Ketchup who? Ketchup to ya later! |
| How many cats does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Cats can't hold a light bulb |
| Yo momma's so fat that a car hit her and she turned around and said "Hey! Who threw that rock!" |
| Knock Knock. Who's there? To. To who? To you. |
| How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tit a lot! |
| There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of exactly when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school. |
| Yo momma's so stupid... She site on the T.V and watches the couch. |
| Yo mama is so fat, she's the reason they declared world hunger. |
| Yo mama is like a hockey player. She doesn't change her pad for three periods. |
| Yo momma is so fat, that every time you smack her butt, you can ride the waves! |
| A father asked his son: "Why do you take the medicine before it's time? " The son answered:" To surprise the germs! " |
| A teacher asked her children just before they were about to leave class for Mass, "And why is it necessary to be quiet during Mass?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." |
| A girl went to a dentist to have her teeth filled. The dentist asked, "What kind of fillings do you want? White or silver?" The girl replied, "Chocolate fillings." |
| Two muffins were sitting next to each other, in an oven, as they were being cooked. One muffin turned to the other muffin, and said, "Man, it's hot in here." Then the other muffin turned to the first muffin and screamed, "AHHH! A TALKING MUFFIN!" |
| CO-PILOT: Commander! We are being attacked! COMMANDER: Report your height and status! CO-PILLOT: I'm 5'11 and sittin' in the cockpit. |
| One to his friend: "My little brother started walking last week!" The other friend: "Where did he go? He should be kilometers away!" |
| A dad to his son: If someone calls for me, tell him that I'm out. The son: And if he doesn't call? |
| A teacher asked his student: Give me an example of 6 animals. The student: 3 Lions, 2 Tigers , and 1 Cheetah ! |
| Suddenly the electricity went off in the house of a blonde. So, she wanted to light a match. After being tired of looking for the match, she blew out the candle and went to sleep. |
| Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels! |
| What kind of flashlight do blonds use? The solar powered kind! |
| Yo mama so fat she can give the homeless a home. |
| Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? |
| And Moses looked upon the Lord and said: "We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?" |
| Mr. Bean: (crying) "The doctor called, Mom's dead." Friend: "Condolence, my friend." After receiving a phone call, Mr. Bean cries even louder. Friend: "What now?" Mr. Bean: "My sister just called, her mom died too!" |
| AA and AA |
| Librarian: "Please be quiet. The people next to you can't read." Boy: "What a shame! I've been reading since I was six." |
| Molly wrote a letter to Santa Claus one day. Dear Santa, Please give me a Workout Barbie and a new milkman because he is sleeping with Mommy. Love, Molly |
| Yo momma's so fat, she has to go on three weight loss systems. |
| Sometimes people with a lot of cents have little sense. |
| Yo Mama so fat that she bent over and got arrested for selling crack. |
| Yo momma's so tall, she did a cartwheel and hit Jesus. |
| Yo mama is so fat she has to get baptized in Sea World. |
| There was a guy he had to deliver a package to the nearest town which took three days to get there. If he leaves on Friday and arrives on Friday how is that possible? He doesn't stop to rest. *His horse's name is Friday. |
| What do you call a rabbit who tells jokes? A FUNNY BUNNY! |
| Yo Momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has 2 jobs. |
| Q:What do you call a 300-pound stripper? A:broke |
| Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment? A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM! |
| Q: Why didn't Cain please God? A: Because he just wasn't Able. |
| A sophisticated lady went into an expensive restaurant. Before sitting, she asked her waiter, "Do you serve crabs here, sir?" The waiter replied, "Yes ma'am, we serve anybody in here. Please have a seat." |
| Two blondes were sitting enjoying a view of the full moon. The first blonde says; "I wonder which is further away? The moon or Florida?" The second blonde replies; "Well, duh! The moon! Can you see Florida?" |
| My survey which I conducted said that 8 out of 4 people don't understand fractions. |
| Knock Knock! Who's there? Who! Who who? You must have the stammers! |
| Ugly: (adjective) A state of being in which you are constantly in. Example: You |
| Yo momma so fat, her bungee cord has to be hooked onto Mars. |
| Yo momma so fat, she makes Godzilla look like a pocket dragon. |
| Yo momma so fat, she's the founder of Button Poppers Anonymous. |
| Yo momma is so fat, she has to iron her clothes on the street. |
| There are two fat guys in a bar, one of the guys, puts his empty glass on the bar and says, "your round", the other guy says, "so are you, you fat basted!" |
| Your mama's so old, she farted and dust came out. |
| Your mama's so ugly, she stuck her face out the window and cops pulled her over for mooning. |
| Yo Momma is so fat she put on a red coat, walked outside, and everyone started yelling, "Kool-Aid, Kool-Aid" |
| Jerry: So you have both a nice mommy and a pretty mommy? Steve: Yup. They're lesbians. |
| Hey! I recognize you! You're the third one over on the evolutionary scale! |
| Q. Why should you be careful when it's raining cats and dogs? A. Because you might step in a poodle. |
| If brains were fuel, you wouldn't have enough to power an ant's motorcycle around the edge of a penny. |
| Why didn't the zombie cross the road? Because he didn't have the guts! |
| Yo momma's so fat when she stepped on the scale she said, "Wow, that's my phone number!" |
| Yo momma is so fat, when she stepped on a dollar she made change. |
| Yo momma's so fat, she has more rolls than the bakery shop! |
| Knock knock Who's there ? Scold Scold who ? Scold out here, let me in! |
| What do you call frozen blonds? Frosted Flakes! |
| A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!" |
| A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?" |
| The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!" |
| A blonde rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone. |
| Yo momma so dumb she thought a quarterback was a refund! |
| Little Bonnie became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?î |
| Why is it so hard to make a blond snowman??? Because you have to hollow out its head!!!!! |
| Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing. |
| What do you call a black person that wants to be and acts just like Jackie Chan? Blackie Chan |
| Why did the teacher have to put on her glasses during class? Because the kids were to bright! |
| Why don't crabs share? Because there shelfish! |
| What is the name of the baseball player who sits under a tree? Babe Root! |
| How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb? You'll never know because when you turn on the light, they scatter! |
| Knock-Knock. Who's there? Sara. Sara who? Sara doctor in the house?! |
| A man walked into a bar... and it hurt! |
| Two blondes were going on a hike, and came to a fork in the road. A sign was in the center that said "Bear left." One of the blondes said,"I'm happy that was taken care of, now we finally are able to take the upper trail," so they proceeded left. |
| Why is Michael Jackson dating twenty-eight year olds? The answer is: Because there's twenty of them! (twenty eight year olds....) |
| What is Tarzan's favorite Christmas song? Jungle Bells! |
| What does the turtle do in the Olympics? The hurdle run! |
| How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer: One, but 500 children to hold the ladder! |
| Why did the elephant call the locksmith? Because he lost his keys in his trunk! |
| How do turtles talk to each other? Shellphones! |
| How do you get a mouse to smile? Say Cheese! |
| Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold! |
| What did the cop say to the bad popcicle? Freeze! |
| Why couldn't G-Unit take the bus? They only had 50 cent! |
| What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangs-giving! |
| Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. |
| What did the cat say to the other cat on the phone? Can you hear me-ow? |
| Which sea will make you go ape? The Chimpansea. |
| If you invited all the alphabet to tea who would be late? The letters 'UVWXYZ' because they all come after 'T'. |
| What do you call an alien with no ears? Anything you like, he can't hear you. |
| What do you call a horse that escaped from jail? A Zebra. |
| What is a cat's favourite exercise? Puss-Ups! |
| What do you get when you cross a fish and a grizzly? A Bearacuda. |
| Why do psychics ask so many questions when they supposedly already know the answers? |
| Everyone has a photographic memory, you just don't have any film. |
| All believers in telekinesis raise my hand! |
| I couldn't fix your brakes, so instead I made your horn louder. |
| Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you? |
| If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M |
| Wear tank tops and support your right to bare arms. |
| What do Micheal Jackson and a PS2 have in common? They're both plastic, can be black or white and can be turned on by children. |
| Knock-Knock. Who's there? Avon Lady, your door bell is broken. |
| Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! |
| Yo mama so fat people jog around her instead of the block, for a LONGER run! |
| An Irish man walks out of a bar..............Hey, It could happen |
| I hear some rich guy wants to build a tavern at the top of Mount Everest. Talk about raising the bar high! |
| They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore. |
| how many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, but I don't know how they got in there! |
| You're so fat, the last time you went on a bus, the ticket read ''Please allow up to 28 days for delivery.'' |
| Your cooking is so bad, the homeless give it back! |
| What's the blonde cheer? I'm blonde, I'm blonde,I'm B.L.O.N.....uh,oh well...I'm blonde, I'm blonde,I'm... yeah, yeah,yeah... |
| What did the blond name his pet zebra? Spot! |
| Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A: "What's a lightbulb?" |
| What's the difference between pokemon and pokewomon? poke balls |
| Yo mommas so old that when she was in school they didn't have history. |
| What starts with the letter F and ends in UCK? FiretrUCK |
| Why can't Osama sleep with any of his 5 wives? Because all he sees is bush. |
| Knock-Knock Who's there Jack Jack Who I don't know any jack |
| Why did the lightbulb fail his test? He wasnt bright enough! |
| What does a cow do for entertainment? Listen to moo-sic. |
| Yo mamma is such a redneck, when I look at her family tree, it goes straight up. |
| What do you call a flying skunk? A smell-icopter |
| Yo momma is so fat, she sat on a gamecube and made it into a gameboy advance. |
| Yo mamma is so fat, she sat down in Wal-mart and lowered the prices. |
| What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vador? An elevator |
| You know your a redneck when there are 15 cars in your driveway, and the only one that moves is your house. |
| Yo momma is so poor, I asked her what was for dinner and she put her foot on the table and said "CORN!" |
| Yo momma is so fat when she sees a school bus go by, she says "STOP THAT TWINKY!!" |
| You know you're a redneck when you go to a family reunion to find a girlfriend. |
| You know you're a redneck when you mow your lawn and find 10 cars. |
| Yo mamma is so fat, she jumped up and got stuck in the sky. |
| Yo momma is so stupid she threw butter out the window to see a butterfly. |
| If your uncle Jack was stuck on a roof, would you help your uncle Jack off? |
| Q: What do you call a schizophrenic Buddhist? A: Someone who is at two with the universe. |
| Knock knock Who's there? Mayonaise Mayonaise who? Mayonaise a lot of jokes on this website. |
| What is the difference between a drunk and a druggie? Drunks run a stop sign and druggies stop at it and wait till it turns green. |
| Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn? A: Where's pop corn? |
| You're so stupid you got locked in an open convertibale car. |
| Yo momma is so fat. She has more ass than a donkey farm. |
| Yo momma so dumb she took back the donut because it had a hole in it! |
| How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know. They can't get the dead one out. |
| Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit ? A: The bucket. |
| A dog is a man's best friend because it gives no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no in-laws. |
| You're so ugly that you scared away a man-eating shark! |
| Yo Momma so fat, you can see her from space. |
| Knock-Knock Who's there? Orange Orange who Orange you tired of hearing the same stupid jokes about oranges? |
| A Chinese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller, "Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today Iget a Hunat eighty?" The teller says - "Fluctuations!" The Chinese guy says "Fluc you white guys too" |
| How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They like to keep their clients in the dark! |
| You're so slow that if you were a train engine, the caboose would be leading. |
| Why did the pencil cross the road? It was lead! |
| Teacher: Can you pay a little attention to this lesson?! Pupil: I am trying my best to pay as little attention as I can!! |
| I went into a restaurant that served 'breakfast at any time'. So, I asked for French Toast in the time of the Renaissance |
| Did you hear about all the Wal-Marts being taken out of Afghanistan? Yeah thet're putting in Targets! |
| Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them! |
| Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Depends on how many lightbulbs need changing. |
| Why do blondes wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date? So they have some place to put their feet. |
| Your breath is so bad, you need a tic-tac the size of a watermelon! |
| Yo Mama is so fat, when you were born, you came out singin' "It's a small world after all." |
| Q: What did the chicken say after it crossed the road? A: "Why is everyone always talking about me?" |
| Q: Why did the rooster cross the road? A: To prove he wasn't chicken. Q: Why did the pencil cross the road? A: It was lead. |
| Yo momma is so fat and hairy, that if she dyed her hair green, people would use her for golf practice. |
| Child: Mom! I got a 100% on my homework! Mom: Really? On what subject? Child: A 40% on science and a 60% on spelling. |
| Yo Momma is so dumb she can't get the ball to touch the ground. |
| How to break up a dating couple: Knock-knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I dumped your girlfriend last night? |
| At a party, a man came up to a stranger and asked "Have you heard the latest Bush joke?" The man replies, "I am Bush." The man said, "Oh. I'll tell it slowly." |
| You're so stupid, you threw a rock at the ground and missed. |
| Did you fall out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on your way down? |
| Did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast this morning? |
| Yo Momma stinks so bad she has to use Right Guard and Left Guard! |
| Mom: Why did you get a grade so low? Junior: Because of absence. Mom: Who, You? Junior: No, the kid who sits right next to me. |
| Teacher: Larry, name two pronouns. Larry: Who, Me? Teacher: That answer is correct. |
| Why is Mississippi River unusual? Because it has four eyes and can't see! |
| Where did they sign the Declaration of Independence? At the bottom. |
| Teacher: Alvin, how many letters are in the alphabet? Alvin: 18. Teacher: Wrong, there are 26. Alvin: No, teacher, there used to be 26, but ET went home in a UFO and the CIA went after him. |
| Teacher: Name an animal that lives in the tundra. Pupil:A reindeer. Teacher: Good, now name another one. Pupil: Another reindeer. |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_2.txt |
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| @@ -0,0 +1,682 @@ |
|---|
| Why was the African baby crying? It was going through it's midlife crisis. |
| [NSFW] I'm going to get lightning bolts tattooed on my penis It never strikes the same place twice |
| What is Uncle Ben's favorite condiment? Aunt Mayonnaise |
| What's my idea of foreplay? Half an hour of begging |
| How do you get on top of a Mexican restaurant? Use an enchiladar. |
| So I heard today... Trump's wall budget is 3 Billion more than NASA's budget for the year...apparently NASA doesn't deal with as many aliens as trump does. |
| My dominatrix is busy training a new assistant... I guess she's showing her the ropes. |
| What pronouns should you use with a chocolate bar? Her/she |
| A friend once asked me, "If you could have any super power in the world what would it be?" I told him: "Cold war Russia" |
| My teacher said, because I was acting up in class, I have to do a book report on the largest bone in the arm. Isn't that humorous? |
| Why do politicians always claim to be religious? Because sects sells. |
| For me, Divorce is like Algebra. I look at my X and wonder Y. |
| What did the claustrophobic ninja do when he fell down a well? He flipped out |
| Country people would usually have a rooster to wake them up and the city people would have an alarm clock So that means that city people wake up to a clock and country people wake up to a cock. |
| What do you call a person who doesn't like Soviet Russia? A citizen of Soviet Russia |
| She was only a statistician's daughter but her deviations were anything but standard. |
| Be careful this winter... I saw black guys slip on black ice and get black eyes. |
| She was only a roadworker's daughter but she sure liked having her asphalt. |
| I'm eating that p*ssy Teacher asked, Why is your cat with u in school? Kid says (crying), "I heard daddy tell mommy, I'm eating that p*ssy when the kids leave!" |
| What do you call a triangle that gets into a car accident? A rektangle |
| No actually I am not single I am taken For granted |
| Do you know the way little children run towards the waves of the ocean but back up the very last second? That's the exact same way I flirt with girls |
| What do gay horses eat? Horse dick. |
| For Valentine's Day, me and the girlfriend are just gonna stay in and watch a movie. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend? |
| Why does Gordon Ramsey like to have sex with a condom? Because he hates it raw. |
| Did you hear about the registered donor who had a car crash on the Golden Gate Bridge? He left his heart in San Francisco. |
| A bought a farewell card for only a penny... It was a good buy. |
| What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopuss. |
| Why did the mad scientist deliberately create a huge fire tornado? Some people just want to watch the whirled burn. |
| If the US stops minting pennies, 99¢ deals will disappear because they won't make cents any more. |
| What do squirrels and my girlfriend have in common? Both of them love stuffing their cheeks with nuts. |
| "Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!" "Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit" |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it wanted a new highscore. |
| How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an alter boy. |
| Something for cooking on a stove. A metallic sculpture of a marijuana leaf. Donald Trump. Tin pot. |
| Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back Luckily I was the one facing the TV |
| How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh. You're still doing that? |
| I once when on a date with a girl who didn't swallow. There was soup everywhere. |
| Two goats on top of a hill... There are two goats on top of a hill eating grass. One says to the other I wish this was the kind of grass that gets you high. The other says did we not just climb this hill? |
| Why are aspirins white? Because they work. |
| I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth... That's the last time I ever buy a larva lamp& |
| Anybody here have sex while camping? It's fucking intense. |
| I hate left-handed people. Something about them just doesn't seem right. |
| A boy asks his mom why he's black and she's white She says, "Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark." |
| What's the difference between a boy scout and a jew? One comes back from camp. |
| I could tell you a Mexican joke but it would cross the border. |
| Minecraft Minecraft - the sequel to Mein Kampf |
| Gynecologist: Do you know what your asshole is doing while you are having an orgasm?? Beautiful young patient: Probably golfing with his buddies... |
| What did Nixon say when his pasta got criticized? I am not a cook. |
| What is the difference between a rebel base and a Pakistan school? I don't know I'm just a drone pilot |
| How did the geologist win his lawsuit? By taking advantage of the quartz system. |
| What do you call someone that occasionally likes gloves? Intermitten |
| Rick Astley will let you borrow you any movie in his Pixar collection... Except for one: he¥s never gonna give you UP! |
| TIL that there's a new shortcut in the PC version of GTA V, which when you press it, will cause your character to kill minorities. Alt-right. |
| A jew walks into a bar... It was a dozen kilograms and he sold it for a grand |
| Which song is the most salty? Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Hey, Jude |
| What did the man say after eating a Big Mac, a McRib, a bucket of KFC, and a Arby's brisket? Nothing. He died of a heart attack. |
| I bought some shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what they were laced with but I kept tripping |
| Communism is a trash can ideology When you're eating out of a trash can it doesn't sound half bad. |
| Kids of the 2010's will get this... Smartphones. |
| How do you comfort a grammar buff? There, their, they're. |
| Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor? It was just a stage he was going through. |
| which came first the chicken or the egg? the chicken because eggs cant cum |
| Why did the sugar hang out with the tomoto? He wanted to ketchup. |
| I just bought a replica of the Knight Rider car. The previous owner said it was a *KITT* car. |
| Who wins a race between a gay couple and lesbian couple? The lesbians. Because they go lickety split and the gay guys poke ass along. |
| If your gunna tell a joke about a midget being smothered in honey.... Keep it short and sweet. |
| How come american cops always lose at pool? Because they always shoot down the black one first. |
| What's a joke that was funny in early America, but is even more hilarious in the present day middle east? "Women's rights" *^ba-dum ^ching* |
| The bass drop In school, I once dropped the base. The kid next to me got severe alkali burns. . . |
| What happens to a penis after sex? Natural In-Stink |
| "Would you like a drink?" "I have a boyfriend!" "I'm the barkeeper you stupid cunt" |
| Our neighbours criticized our new fence We took offense |
| RIP Jobs What did the unemployed cancer cell say? "We should get Jobs" |
| Did you hear about the midget fortune teller who escaped prison? They're a small medium at large. |
| Surprise oral will make your day Surprise anal will make your hole weak |
| Woman to her girlfriend: My husband got me a dozen roses; tonight I guess I have no choice but to spread eagle with my legs in the air. Girlfriend: Don't you have a vase? |
| I hate seeing penises and people peeing Looks like I am allergic to peanuts |
| Ever hear that black people have a speech impediment? Not true, its just a myff. |
| I once saw a Chupacabras... Baby goats are so adorable. |
| A Reposter walked into... /r/jokes. The End |
| I used to think I was good in bed..... Until my girlfriend told me she had asthma. |
| You'd think glass would taste like rocks.. But it just tastes like blood. |
| What's brown and sticky? A stick. |
| What did Richard Spencer squeal after getting punched in the face? *"I'm Nazi bad person here!"* |
| What do Australians wear under their pants? Down Undies |
| I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand It's seven |
| Stoner goes to the doctor A stoner goes to the doctor complaining he sees cats playing soccer every night when he falls asleep. The doctor recommends he stays up for a night. Stoner says ok but he can't miss the final tonight. |
| I had a joke about time travel.... ... But you guys didnt like it |
| Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story... Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out the turtle was 6 feet tall and knew karate. |
| Who called it election and not.. Pikachu |
| Why do you never see an African in Olympic swimming? You need water to swim |
| Yo Momma so stupid... She brought a spoon to the superbowl. |
| A girl asks a boy "What does your dad do for a living?'' He replies "He's a magician." She asks "Is he good?" He says "Yeah, he disappeared 8 years ago." |
| Alec Baldwin has been arrested. His lawyers believe on Trumped up charges. |
| Why do we live on a giant rock, but ruled by money? Because paper beats rock. |
| My therapist recommended an anonymous community to me, a narcissist. Said that they gather and discuss their day to day accomplishments, annoyances, etc. I told him I've been using Reddit for a couple months now and see no changes. I then saw myself out. |
| What did one gamer do to the other gamer after he lost? Consoled him |
| Why are the polar ice caps melting Because polar bears are a hot animal |
| A: What comes after 75? B: 76 A: That's the spirit. |
| I used to cut and burn myself. Then I took culinary classes. |
| Dad: You know son, if you keep masterbating, you're going to go blind Me: Dad, I'm over here |
| After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm? My penis. |
| If you go to the beach and forget your lunch, what can you eat? Just eat the sand which is there. |
| Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me. It means a lot. |
| Two chemists walk into a bar The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have water too." The first chemist now has to rethink the assassination. |
| How does the weather in Seattle compare to the rest of the United States? It's Rainier! |
| A man sees a pregnant woman laughing He asks the woman, she replies "Nothing, it's an inside joke!" |
| What do you call someone who stereotypes Asians? A Rice-ist |
| Why did Billy drop his ice cream He got run over by the ice-cream truck. |
| Obama's going to open a home food preservation supply store next It's called "Yes We Can" |
| I just found out my best friend, JosÈ, is moving away. !No guey, JosÈ! |
| Doughnuts make u go nuts What kind of doughnuts do the KKK prefer? White powdered doughnuts |
| I got a job at the strip club. "I help the girls get dressed and undressed." "Great gig. How much?" "Twenty dollars a day." "That's not very much." "It's all I can afford." |
| If 666 is the evil number Then 25.806975... is the root of all evil. |
| Did you guys hear about the cow that was able to step over the the electric fence? No one could believe it, it was an udder shock! |
| The substitute teacher's eyes were crossed She couldn't control her pupils. |
| I asked why my stitches were unravelling but accidentally posted it to a gaming forum last night Turns out it was the wrong thread |
| Models Why did the models keep tripping on the runway? They were showing off the fall lineup. Badumtss |
| I'm getting tired of all the sexual comments about my skirt... "Slut" "You don't leave a lot to fantasize about" "Why couldn't you just have worn something under your skirt?" "Dude your balls are visible" |
| Never buy flowers from a monk Only YOU can prevent florist friars |
| Did you know? One Direction's "best song ever" is not actually best song ever. |
| Where did Hitler put his little armies? In his little Sleevies. |
| Today marks a very special landmark Whitney Houston has been clean for five years |
| Bad pick up line Me: spell me Her: M-E Me: you forgot the D Her: there is no D in me Me: not yet |
| What do you call two Australian math nerds having sex? A square root. |
| A man asked God "why did you make women so beautiful"? And He replied, "So you will love them" The man continued, "But why did you make them so stupid?" He replied, "So they will love you" |
| A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly and painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No, he replied, "Arthritis." |
| What do you call a funk band composed of only plumbers? George Sinkton and the P-Trap All Stars. |
| I'm not addicted to sandpaper... I just need a little something to take the edge off. |
| Did you hear that Apple Guy died? R.I.P. Isaac Newton |
| If Valve had an NHL team... would that be the Mighty VAC's? |
| Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools. A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness. |
| You know what I like about midgets? Very Little. |
| I lost my watch at a party once... An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch. |
| Why is Legolas so fit? He always eats elfy snacks. |
| My wife doesn't like vomit jokes. But I do nausea problem with it. |
| Why do people boil pasta in water? It is way too soggy. |
| What do you call huge dancing rocks? Technotonic plates. |
| I went to my favorite bar last night. A Chinese guy sits down next to me. I ask him "hey, do you know karate or some other martial art"? He says "why, because I'm Asian"? I said "no, because you're drinking my beer". |
| What's the only acceptable thing for a Scotsman to wear under his kilt? Lipstick |
| I came up with a science joke... Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment? They have a big carbon footprint... |
| Rule #1 for learning english Their our know rules! |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? Why did the chicken cross the road? "To get to the other side" Nope to get to the idiots house. "Oh" knock knock "who's there?" The chicken. |
| I bought a Fleetwood Mac GPS for my car. It's useless though. It just keeps telling me to go my own way. |
| What do you call a bear with no teeth A gummy bear |
| Did you hear the Coco Pops monkey was recently murdered? Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle and Pop all got killed too. Police think its the work of a serial killer. |
| A doctor once told me that it's important to get 8 hours of beauty sleep per day But to be honest I think you need 9 |
| What's the difference between sarcasm and lying? I don't know, I'm just the president. |
| Son: ?Dad, I have a question regarding sex with my underage girlfriend.? Father: ?Yes?? Son: ?Could you stop doing that?? |
| They should make birth control for men Because it makes more sense to fire blanks than shoot at a bulletproof vest. Recent discoveries will make this joke obsolete, thought I'd give it one more run. |
| People say that counting sheep jumping over a fence makes you to to sleep. However, Donkeys are much more effective... You're completely out as soon as your ass leaps. |
| They say you're attracted to people that look like you. That explains why I like women with big breasts. |
| I don't have OCD... I know because I've checked 300 times |
| I wish life was like a hairstyle So you could just cut it off and get a new one |
| What do you call a Scotsman who works in a cloakroom? Angus McCoatup |
| Why did God create vaginal mycose? So women too can know what it is to live with an irritated cunt. |
| A women got a wooden breast implant yesterday.... it would be a funny joke if this had a punch line... Wooden tit |
| How does a farmer count his cows? With a COWculator... But, what if they all have babies? Then he MOOtiplies them! Man, I'm really milking these puns for more than they're worth... |
| My new personal trainer encouraged me to do do fifteen push-ups every commercial break on TV Man... I love Netflix! |
| Apple likes to leave things out of their products. The phone I bough from them doesn't have a headphone jack... and the car I bought from them doesn't have windows. |
| Peanut butter was driving his toast when suddenly... ..there was a jam |
| What tastes good on pizza but not on pussy? Crust |
| Did you hear about that female celebrity who was murdered? Me: Who was it? Dad: I think her first name was Reese Me: Witherspoon? Dad: No it was with a knife |
| A man named Rob got his identity stolen. I guess you could say he got... *robbed* |
| I just got done doing squats and I gotta say... It's a huge weight off my shoulders |
| What did the goose say when he found out about flying south? Wanna hear migrate idea? |
| Did you hear about the midget clairvoyant who escaped from prison the other day? Police are looking for a small medium at large. |
| Set a fire for a man, And you'll keep him warm for a night. Set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life. |
| How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb Just one, unless it's a black light. |
| do androids dream of electric sheep? Not unless they're Welsh |
| After a lengthy debate, congress finally passed a law banning pedophiles from children's shoe stores. It was No Minor Feet. |
| Where does a redditor drown? In the sea of reposts. |
| What does Batman take with his alcohol? Just ice |
| Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man and he'll eat for a year. |
| My Iraqi friend found a silver lining on the Muslim travel ban My Iraqi friend found a silver lining on the Muslim travel ban. He said "at least my mother-in-law can't come and visit." Well, at least he found something to laugh about XD |
| What do Irish plumbers earn for overtime? Time an' a Turd. |
| An Irishman walks into a bar... Just kidding he was born there and never left |
| Is this the bus for dyslexic kids? Oops, wrong sub. |
| I'm gonna tell you an oxygen and potassium joke, OK? |
| Why did the mortician cross the road? To get to the other suicide |
| Why did the robot kill someone with its empty battery? So it would get charged with murder. |
| The English Teacher in India Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. |
| What Did The Orange Say To The Apple Are you really that stupid? Oranges can't talk. |
| What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs? One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean. |
| Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it is the scenter! |
| Wanna know how to brighten the day of everyone on Earth? A few dozen strategically placed warheads should do the trick. |
| A poem. I am a little girl, I have a little thing That when I go to bed, I put my finger in. Now I'm much older, My thing had lost its charm And now it takes 5 fingers, And half my fucking arm. |
| So I bought a new chair today Guess you can say I'm SATisfied. |
| What went through Hitler's mind before he died? "If I wasn't so distracted by taking over the world I could have killed so many more jews." |
| What do you call the Pope when he is sleepwalking? A Roamin' Catholic. |
| What is the best method of transportation for Jews? A dustpan |
| What do you get when you crossbreed a Chihuahua with a German Shepherd? A que-nein. |
| I told my husband there are 100 days until our baby's delivery He said "That's a really long time. You should really use Prime next time". |
| I hate German chefs They're suck kochs. |
| What is the sound of one hand clapping? Amputees anonymous |
| What's Donald Trumps favorite kind of dog? a BORDER collie! |
| Whats the difference between ET and an illegal alien? ET learned English and wanted to go home. |
| My girlfriend has a lot of trust issues. Well, one of them does. |
| What do you call Arab porn? XXXPlosive |
| Why couldn't the japanese police catch the black man? because he nigeru |
| Girls call me shortcut My penis is circumcised and 3 inches long |
| Where does Phil Collins record his songs? In a stu-stu-studio. |
| Cancer runs in my family. July was a very popular month to have babies. |
| February 10th should be National Fart Day. Because it's 2/10. |
| What's the Difference between Marlin the Fish and Walter White? One's finding Nemo the other one is funding Chemo! |
| A priest has diarrhea Holy shit!!!! |
| How many freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and another to hold the peni... LADDER! |
| Donald Trump uses a special steroid to stay ahead in the game. Orange juice. |
| What do you call a teenage Hitler Zitler |
| What's the first thing Eskimos teach their kids? Don't eat yellow snow. |
| My stomach hasn't felt well all day, I'm like a bartender during an earthquake... I'm having trouble controlling my stools. |
| If a girl sleeps with 100 guys she gets called a slut. What do you call a guy who does the same thing? A homosexual. |
| Boyfriend suggesting For Prisma Girl Friend, i am not able to install prisma app in my mobile. Boyfriend: Check your phone storage is full. Girl Friend: Hhmm, is there any alternative of this app? Boy Friend: Yes, Take Selfie Without Make up |
| My phone fell from the 20th floor, good thing it was in airplane mode. |
| When life gives you lemons... why do you use a bra? |
| Napping at work Sometimes, when I'm sure people can only see the back of my head, I enjoy sneaking in a quick catnap at work. They never last too long though, invariably someone rings the bell telling me they want to get off my bus. |
| A demolition expert goes on stage during open mic night... He proceeds to bring the house down. |
| I'm sorry I said "nice phone" When you showed me a picture of your baby.. |
| How do you destroy a feminist in a debate? You ask "what rights do men have that women don't?" |
| How do you tell apart the voices in Donald Trump's head from the voices in Steve Bannon's? Trump's voices mumble praise of himself, Bannon's shriek racial epithets, and both are silent when Russia Telecom has an outage. |
| We should make all vehicles be driven by Stormtroopers They never hit anything so there would be no accidents. |
| Itching penis I went to a urologist because the head of my penis was itching. He told me I had an infection and that I should soak my penis in alcohol. The itching has stopped but now my Jack Daniels tastes funny. |
| I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if I'm a sociopath Either way when I ran over that pedestrian I didn't feel a thing. |
| Why did Vegeta name his son Trunks? ...find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z |
| Americans make the best jokes... Sorry I meant President. |
| Have y'all heard of the cow that produces milk that taste like that stuff of myths? It's legen-dairy |
| Why do brides traditionally wear white? So they match the stove, the fridge and the dishwasher. |
| What's an amnesiac's favorite cheese? Camembert |
| [short] what is Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 |
| Ice Cream Why did the little boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus. |
| I was told that the friendship between sodium, potassium, and oxygen was bad. I said, "Na. Pretty sure it is OK." EDIT: Should have switched potassium and oxygen around. Dang it... |
| I don't really like food from Spain much but... To chicharrÛn I guess |
| Organic chemistry is difficult Those who study it have alkynes of trouble. |
| I faked my death, but hardly anyone attended my funeral Apparently I faked it really badly |
| Why did Snoop Dogg bust out an umbrella? Fo drizzle |
| Courtroom antics. Whats the best thing about being the smartest person in a courtroom? Knowing they'll never find the bodies. |
| What's the difference between your penis and your tax return? She'll blow your tax return |
| The wife and I have recently been blessed with the pitter patter of tiny feet around our house. I hired a midget butler. |
| Why can't Hindi people fight with each other? Because they can't have beef! |
| Who is Wolverine's favorite author? Lemony Snikt (I'm sorry...) |
| What do you call a Jewish man with heartburn? An acidic Jew. |
| Are you sitting on the F5 key? Because dat ass is so refreshing! |
| Rainn Wilson to star in the next Harry Potter spin off! Fantastic Beets And Where To Find Them |
| I only lie to people I don't like. Don't worry, I like you. |
| Why did Eminem only have one biological kid? He only had one shot |
| Click here to see a pun ctuation mark. |
| My friend didn't get my RAM joke. DIMM wit. |
| I like my violence like I like I beer... ... domestic |
| I have a pen, I have an apple, uh! iStylus |
| I only date black girls So I don't have to meet their fathers |
| What makes an ISIS joke funny? The execution. |
| My wife and I were happy for 25 years. Then we got married. |
| I redid my entire house with mirrors... You could say it really reflects who I am. |
| What do you call a lying bunny? A haretic |
| How do you call a Medieval midi music? Midival! Ha! Get it? |
| Load of animals in the back of a lorry.. The cow says "mooooooooove over" The chicken says "fkaaaf" |
| My mom and my girlfriend don't get along. (NSFW?) My mom always blows me off. My girlfriend thinks she's getting replaced. |
| A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender takes one look at him and says, "We don't serve food here." |
| I was going to build a bridge for karma but I got over it. |
| Did you see the fight between the walnut and the pecan? It was nuts. |
| Life is a bit like my dick... It's long and hard. |
| I know a youtuber name SoWTF... He is sooo what the fuck. |
| My Journey from $60k College Debt to $115k Net Worth & 816 Credit Score. And all thanks to this community! I started stand up and got beat up. Settlement has been a blessing! |
| Why did Bach have 20 children? His organ didn't have any stops. |
| My Dicks Nickname is Bing Because noone ever uses it. |
| What do electricians say while they meditate? *Ohmmmm...* |
| What does the inappropriate strip club patron say when he finally admits he has a problem? I come here too often |
| I feel like most jokes about communism are pretty low effort But at least everyone gets them |
| A Font Designer and a Police Officer Walk Into a Bar... The font designer leaves sans sheriff. |
| Why do stoners make lousy poker players? Because they keep smoking the pot. |
| How do you drown a hipster? Throw them into the mainstream. |
| Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? He is busy making good music. |
| Why did the full chromosome human go to war He was diploid |
| How do you get gum out of your hair? Cancer. |
| Where do cousins come from? Aunt holes. |
| I call my wife Bambi too..... Because I don't want her shot. Just her mom. |
| I ate at a Vietnamese restaurant but I used a fork. I guess you could say I made a pho-pas. |
| Friend 1: Oi mate can I borrow your phone? Friend 2: Yeah sure, why'd you need it for? F1: Well mines busted and I just wanna call me mum. F2: Oh no problem mate here ya go, just hit redial. |
| A man from Wisconsin is travelling in Mexico... when he comes across a dairy farm. "Buenos noches, do you have any cheeze for sale?" "Buenos, nochez" |
| I am a legal resident of the United States and I have not paid my taxes for the last 15 years. AMA! Thank you for your time. Ask me anything. **EDIT:** Just a moment guys, someone is at my door. |
| An old woman walked into a sex toy shop... She wandered in the shop for a couple of minutes and finally she stopped and asked the vendor: How much is this one? He replied: Ma'am, that's a fire extinguisher. |
| What's black and slides down Nelson's Column? Winnie Mandela |
| Why did Trump stage a photo op of him winning a marathon against a bunch of traffic signs? To show that he was leading the poles |
| Knock knock. Who?s there? Smell mop. (finish this joke in your head) |
| I'm so ugly that when... ... I passed out at a frat party I woke up with more clothes on. |
| Give a man a jacket and he'll stay warm all winter Teach a man to jacket and he'll stay warm his whole life |
| Timing You know the most important part of telling a joke? |
| what happens when you take a joke too far? The 45th president of the United States |
| While examining me, my dentist asked me if i had recently performed oral sex Embarassed, i asked if i had a pube in my teeth. He said no..there's shit on your nose |
| Parental settings for my virgin wifi? Where are the parental settings for my virgin wifi? |
| Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime. |
| I've made this new photo app and it's a thousand times better than Instagram. It's called Instakilo |
| My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?" I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women." |
| Went to Disneyland because my daughter is so obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her. |
| What does Donald Trump use when his fax machine is broken? His alternative fax. |
| What do you call an actor that gets employed by trump? Alec Baldwin |
| I used to think morning sex was the greatest thing ever... Until I started to share a cell with Bubba. |
| It's not that the Massacre at Bowling Green didn't happen... It was just an alternative event. |
| Why has there never been a coup d`Ètat in america? Because there is no US-embassy in america. (from german tv-satire "Die Anstalt") |
| How did the composer find his buddy on social media? He checked his franz liszt |
| What organization is the best at curve fitting? INTERPOL |
| What do astronauts use to cook in space?? Marzipans!! |
| "Come forth and I shall grant you eternal life", said God unto John. But John came in fifth and won a toaster. |
| I'm a Muslim parent with an honor roll student! My kid is the bomb |
| Why did the cockroach break up with his mosquito girlfriend? He saw her sucking someone else. |
| Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? 'Cause girl you hot as fuck. |
| Son asks for money A young jewish son asks his dad for $5 dollars. The dad responds shocked, "$4 dollars? What do you need $3 dollars for?" |
| Donald Trump's cabinet is so dumb that I can get a better one at IKEA. |
| Could you imagine if someone pulled off Trump's hair piece? There would be hell toupee. |
| Words can't express how beautiful you are. But numbers can. 4/10 |
| What's a Germans least favourite drink? Juice |
| Why isn't Barbie pregnant? Because Ken came in a different box |
| Jim apple Had a very rough time introducing himself in France |
| A bodybuilder told me he hates protein. No whey! |
| You know what pisses me off most about Reddit? [deleted] |
| My pet rock died 1 upvote = 1 pray |
| What is Sean Spicer's favorite genre of music? Alternative Rock |
| Trust not the Alien... It almost killed Sigourney Weaver. |
| If Christians have the Daily Bread, what do Buddhists have? The Daily Lama |
| Get Stoned Before an Auction Even if you don't win anything, you'll still be the highest bidder! |
| A guy gets arrested for taking a dump. -Knock knock -Who's there? -Police. -Can you wait a little? I'm taking a dump right now. -We know, this phone booth is transparent. |
| How do you know if your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit. |
| Why couldn't Beethoven find his teacher? Because he was Haydn |
| My wife's an Archaeologist because... She keeps on digging up the past! |
| What did I say to -1? Look Ma! Not real. |
| I invented the perfect beach accessory for men! A clip-on-tip that attaches to the inside of your suit and peeks out just below the bottom of a guy's swim trunks. We're calling it the Billadong. |
| What does a Frenchman say who lost his dinner whilst trying to find some more? Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from escargot? |
| What the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator. When you put meat in the refrigerator it doesn't get aids |
| So i read this story about a woman who got electrocuted when she dropped her vibrator in the bath It was a total buzzkill |
| A priest.... A priest, an Irishman, a horse, a gorilla, a twelve inch pianist and an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this some kind of a joke?" |
| Why did the cockroach break up with his centipede girlfriend? Each time he spreads a couple of her legs she says: It's not here! |
| What happens if you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed. |
| What is Bane's favorite movie? Broke-back Mountain |
| What do you call a person who is not a nihilist? A De-nihilist. |
| What happens when you take a joke too far? The 45th President of the United States. |
| My doctor told me I was eating too much meat So I decided to quit cold turkey |
| In Soviet Russia, a Judge bursts into his chambers laughing *"I've just heard the funniest joke about Stalin... ever!"* *"Well, go ahead and tell us."*, the other Judges ask. *"I can't. I just gave someone a life sentence for it."* |
| Ann and Joe are having an argument "You are like Satan!" screamed Joe. "Their Mom says, "Shh, Joe thats offending." Once Ann left, she said, "Offending to Satan!" |
| A rabbit is walking on the railways He is singing: My life is amazing, dumdumdum, my life is long, dum dumdum, dumdumdum dumdumdum dumdumdum |
| What do you do with dead scientists? Barium |
| Why didn't the pony say anything? Because he was a little hoarse... |
| Spilt milk I hate how every time I come home and go to the kitchen my flat mate has spilled milk everywhere. How dairy |
| What did the over-sized transgender postcard say to the UPS driver? What don't you understand? I told you, I don't fit in a male box! |
| What do you call a gay dinosaur? A megasoreass. |
| Reading the news today. Man: A policeman accidentally inserted his truncheon in someone's umm, ahh, mm. Other Man: Rectum? Man: Damn near killed 'em |
| There are only two people I know who can kill 70+ people in 2 hours. John wick... and John Wick 2 |
| Why do you wrap hamsters in duct tape? So they don't blow up when you fuck 'em. |
| How do you make an idiot wonder? [deleted] |
| There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that?s a little condescending. |
| What do you call a situation where a train wreck is happening right in front of your eyes and you can't do anything about it? Donald Trump |
| I identify as all real numbers. Call me by my new pronoun: xeR |
| Dorothy: Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore Toto: I know, I miss the rains down in africa |
| What did the caveman say when he stumbled upon a pooping dinosaur? "That's pooposterous!" |
| What is The ISIS Cafeteria called? Allahu Snakbar. |
| I told my dad to embrace his mistakes. He cried. Then he hugged my sister and me. |
| My wife got diagnosed with Alzeihmers and Parkinsons last week. I've been getting 8 wanks a day. |
| What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor? Where is my tractor? (I am so sorry). |
| How does Bob Ross exorcise his paint brush? He beats the devil out of it. |
| Me and my friends had an argument.... [NSFW] Me and my friends had an argument about what was more fucked up, one of my friends said necrophilia, the other said bestiality. I would've said both... But I didn't want to beat a dead horse. |
| People are saying that 3.5 years to build the wall is too long, but I'm not worried Government-funded construction projects almost never run over their time |
| What's the difference between a BMW and a cactus? George Zimmerman has never shot a cactus. |
| What did the chimpanzee say to the human? No homo. |
| Who do you call when you get robbed in Mexico? 9-Juan-Juan |
| Three kids walk into a Pole He was very fat. |
| Why do you always put your left shoe on last? Because when you put one shoe on, the other one is left. |
| What did the Alabaman wife say to her husband when she found out he was cheating? Oh, brother. |
| Whats the difference between Jared Fogel and a pixie stick? it's OK for a kid to have a pixie stick in their mouth. |
| Two prostitutes are hanging out on a corner in the 70's when one asks the other, "Hey, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other says "No, but I've been swung around by the tits." |
| What does uranium have in common with a mental ward patient? They're both unstable. |
| What's the worst part about a blizzard in a leper colony? Stepping outside in the morning to find a foot on the roof of your car |
| Seagull with diarrheia Seagull With Diarrhea told another that it barely Made It To Crowded Beach In Time. |
| So I asked a sheep how it is to be a sheep. "Meh..." |
| So I know the Mexicans probably think the wall will be too expensive... But they'll get over it. |
| A mother and her child were hugging ... "Mommy," says the child, "am I adopted?" "No, sweetie," replied the mother. "We haven't managed to find someone who will take you." |
| Three men are walking along, two of them walk into a bar... The third one ducks. I'm sorry. I'm sure many have heard it before. But I haven't seen it here. |
| A mushroom walks into a bar.... Bartender says "sorry sir we don't serve your kind" mushroom says "why.... I'm a fungi" |
| Donald Trump was once asked if he could quote any Bible verses. "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you will never have to feed him again." Donald 20:17 |
| What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino. Fuck if I know |
| BREAKING: White House staffer leaks that the President was surprised to learn that Checks and Balances didn't refer just to... bank accounts |
| What?s 18 inches long and dangles in front of an asshole? Donald Trump?s tie. |
| How does Moses make his coffee? *hebrews* it! |
| Why did the necrophiliac get a divorce? The rotten bitch split on him! |
| Dogs don't love you... They're just glad they don?t live in China. |
| 18:- can I buy a bottle of wine? Government :- No, that's illegal and irresponsible. 18:- Can I go $40,000 into debt for education?? Government :- we encourage it. |
| Why do Nazis like dentists? Because they prefer whites |
| What does the Buddhist order from the hot dog stand? Make me one with everything :) |
| My dad always lived by the motto "Work hard, play hard." Mom made him seek help for his Viagra addiction. |
| How is Mexico going to be able to pay for the wall? It's expensive, but I'm sure they'll get over it. |
| What's the difference between Donald Trump and 5 year old? Honestly, somebody tell me because I have no fucking clue. |
| What do new iPhones and Donald Trump have in common? Both cost more than they're worth and create the illusion of superiority without ever delivering. |
| What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick |
| What did the muslim in America say ? [removed] |
| What did the D.J. say to the Vegetable Farmer? Lettuce turnip the beet. |
| You know what they say about jokes The cheesier the grater! |
| My boss told me, "You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I replied, "I don't know; it's hard to keep track". |
| Did you hear about the musician who named his daughter Sharp? He didn't have the heart to tell her she was accidental. |
| What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede? Extra drumsticks! |
| Why did no one go to work in Mongolian Persia? Because they were always Ilkhanate |
| What's a pirate's favorite letter? It's the C matey!!!!! Idk I'm high |
| Three men walks into a bar. The fourth man ducks. |
| Want to know how to keep your guitar sounding good? Stay tuned. |
| Please dont tell jokes about domestic abuse... They hit too close to home |
| A man goes to a doctor. Doctor : I don't know how to tell you this, but you have got to stop masturbating. Patient : But why? Doctor : So that I can fucking examine you. |
| What's super marios favorite type of fabric? Denim denim denim. |
| Woman are turning into good drivers ...so if ur a good driver watch out for women turning! |
| Surround yourself with people who have issues. People with issues always have alcohol. |
| I went to the Zoo the other day and there was a loaf of Hovis in the Lion enclosure - so I went up to the zookeeper and said "What's that doing in there?" and he said "That? That's bread in captivity" |
| Can Napoleon return to his place of birth? Of Corsican. |
| Did you know that 80% of Korean businessmen have caddaracts? The other 20% drive Mercedes |
| A blind man walks into a bar... And a table...and a chair...and the waiter... |
| Did you know Princess Diana was on the radio the night she died? She was on the radio, and the dashboard, and the hood. |
| I love to Poop. |
| Did you hear about the Bowling Green Massacre? No? Neither did the victims. |
| 3 nuns are sitting on a bench. A man in a trench coat walks by and flashes them. 2 of the nuns had a stroke. The third couldn't reach. |
| Every year, millions of people get sick from eating tainted beef. Who the hell is putting their taint on the beef? |
| Why did the cowboy orphan cat limp into the bar? He was looking for the man who shot his paw. |
| A Grizzly has attacked a school! Four are dead! Fortunately, the rest of the salmon are OK and are peacefully continuing upstream. |
| 2018 kids won't get this Club penguin |
| A man attempts a bar hop... ...and squashes his nuts |
| What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile? Get in the batmobile. |
| What does a sneezing nut sound like? *Ca-shew.* |
| 2017 First UFO lands Alien: "Take me to your leader." *Alien is brought to Pres. Trump. Alien: "Good one! Seriously though. This is important." |
| A nazi spy goes to a bar with a friend "Bartender, I vant two martinis, please." "Dry?" "Zwei, du amerikanisches Schwein!" |
| A plane crashed on the border of two countries, and everyone dies except the pilot. Where you do you bury the survivors? Six feet under a cesspit, till you can no longer hear his screams. |
| Hey girl, are you today's date? Because you're 2/10. |
| Iron Man at a dance club Tony Stark is in an electronic dance club, he's very upset that the D.J is playing subpar music and that the bar is closed. All of this makes Iron Man- Stark raving mad. |
| I met two hipsters today Turns out, the correct term is conjoined twins. |
| I can't stop shitting out feathers. I think I've got Irritable owl syndrome. |
| Since Valentine's is approaching, my friend posted "I love my girlfriend <3" I knew he liked them young but that is fucking ridiculous. |
| Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil. |
| I bought a treadmill the other day... It's really giving me a run for my money. |
| I was really unsuccessful and unpopular until I stood on a globe covered in super glue. Now I have the world at my feet. |
| What do you call Steve Bannon in a rubber room? Home. |
| How do you get a jewish girls number? You roll up her sleeve. |
| What do people smoke in concentration camps? MariJEWana |
| What is the most common job among spiders? Web designer. |
| Loyalty is very important for my wife... My girlfriend doesn't care. Funny how different sisters can be. |
| What do you get when there is a death at a funeral? A rehearsal. |
| A New Yorker went for a checkup.. Doctor: We're sorry, you have Hepatitis B. New Yorker: Damn B, what kind of hepatitis? |
| I came up with a 'Knock Knock' joke "Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "I'll ask" "I'll ask who?" "Al- ask- a ... It's so cold!" |
| I applied for a job at a blacksmiths He asked if ive ever shoed a horse before. I said no but i once told a donkey to fuck off |
| Two tattooed people ride in a car, who is driving? The police |
| What would Freud say comes between fear and sex? Funf. |
| What do you call a pessimistic Mexican doing math? Negative Juan. |
| Surprise bj I woke up to a surprise blowjob today. I should really start sleeping with my mouth closed |
| The captain of the Titantic was a vegetarian, his last words were... "Iceberg lettuce leaf" |
| What do you call a cuddle with only one person? A cddle, because u weren't there |
| Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his collection except for one. He's never gonna give you Up. |
| What does a rapper say after he's done recording? It's a rap |
| The doctor told me to drink a lot of clear liquid So I picked up some vodka and gin on the way home. |
| Mammoth walks down the street. All of a sudden a dozen of elephants get out of the corner, see Mammoth, come by and beat the shit out of him. After they left Mammoth stands up, spits broken tusks and says: "Fucking skinheads!" |
| An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar The first orders a pint. The second orders half a pint. The third orders a quarter pint. The barman says "Fuck you guys" and pours two pints. |
| A Nazi walks into a Bar... ... Mitzvah |
| Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field |
| What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck. |
| What kind of boxer spits on their opponents face? A beat boxer |
| What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture. |
| What do you call a clown in prison? A sillycon |
| What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip. |
| Angela Merkel visits Greece Angela Merkel visits Greece. On her way through customs she gets stopped by an officer 'Nationality?' He asks 'German' she replies 'Occupation?' 'No, just visiting' |
| Some guy assaulted me last night with a bat ... I was really impressed with how well he had trained it. |
| German girl number One day I asked a sex German girl for her number and she said "SEX SEX SEX. DRY SEX SWINE!" I cowered away in fear Then her friend came up to me and said "She means '666-3629" |
| What do they call the Hunger Games in France? Battle Royale with Cheese. |
| What do you call a biker gang of bisexual Norse monarchs? The Bikings. |
| Did you hear about the guy who proposed to marry his car? He wanted a more engaging driver experience. |
| What do you get when you fuse Arab and Indian food? Explosive Diarrhea |
| My maths teacher just told us a mean joke... I thought he was a coMedian. |
| Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud.. But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I?m not one of them. |
| I can't remember the translation of German "wichtig." I have a feeling it's important, though. |
| Steve Bannon so drunk... his liver spots got liver spots. |
| There was once an emotionally unstable suicide bomber he fell to pieces. |
| What do the guys at /incels use for birth control? Their personalities. One hundred percent effective. |
| Stores in Seattle now accept credit cards in canabis stores It's been a week for green cards in Washington |
| I wonder if.. What if the ocean is salty because the land never waves back? |
| My girlfriend was giving me my first pedicure I asked her if the tool she was using to rub my feet was called a pedofile. |
| Jesus fed 2000 Jews fish and bread Hitler made 5 million Jews toast |
| If waitresses with big boobs work at Hooters, then where do 1 legged waitresses work? IHOP Gives tipping your waitress new meaning |
| After yoga class, I followed my instructor home and broke into her bedroom window. She screamed and told me I need to leave. I told her "Nah, I'ma stay". |
| I got jailed when I performed a magic trick. Apparently, when I make the kids disappear, I also have to make them reappear. |
| A horse walks into a bar The bartender says "What do you want?" The horse unable to understand English shits itself and runs out. |
| The past, present and future walked into a bar. And it was tense. |
| What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? People care if the vest gets triggered. |
| If Bruno Mars married Venus Williams on Earth, do you think they'd have a Sun? Only if they planet. |
| Why did Adele cross the road? To say Hello from the other side. |
| My girlfriend wanted to act out a scene from Fifty Shades of Grey It was the scene where Christian wanted to buy Anastasia a new Audi... |
| I tried out for the suicide club But I just couldn't hang with them. |
| Me: I hate fucking laundry Dad: Well stop fucking it and fold it already. |
| Masturbation When I was a teenager my father told me "If you keep doing that you'll go blind". I said "Can't I just do it until I need glasses?" Proof: Glasses. |
| Man, those UC students after MILO... Must have been Burn-e supporters. |
| There are 3 types of republicans.. There are 3 camps of GOP supporters: #1 The McCain camp or Republicans #2 The McConnell camp or Republican'ts #3 The Trump Camp or Republicunts |
| The Trump Travel ban was refused due to lack of evidence.. Apparently "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it" wasn't enough |
| Why is it ridiculously easy to overcome the walls of Jerusalem? Because it's covered in holiness. |
| Why did the blind man fall into the well? Because he couldn't see that well. |
| I have never gone to bed with an ugly woman, but I have waken up next to some many of them |
| Grandpa's toothbrush Grandpa: I need a new toothbrush becuase one hair of it broke Shopkeeper: why do you want to buy a whole new brush when only one rush hair is broke? Grandpa: It was the only hair left |
| Why did the blonde climb the roof of the pub? The drinks were on the house. |
| Wanna hear an overused joke about necrophilia and bestiality? You're just fucking a dead horse... (Sorry if this is a repost, I heard this at school) |
| What two types of people don't care about age, Abortion clinics and necrophiliacs. |
| What is a mathematician's favorite thing to find in the woods? A log. |
| What kind of Bees give the Most Milk? Boo Bees |
| To gay guys first aid means Losing your virginity |
| What do a poultry farmer and a hooker have in common? They both raise cocks for a living. |
| I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant... But then I changed my mind |
| What's a Terrorists favourite category to watch on YouTube? Trending. Because all the videos there blow up. |
| Pacifism is a martial art. Its moves are designed to bruise the opponent's knuckles with your face. |
| Mary had a little lamb The doctor fainted. |
| I like my friends like my chromosomes Not enough. |
| What did the cheese say to the other cheese after a game of tennis? That was a "Gouda" Game! |
| A blonde and a brunette are walking in a park, the brunette says awwww look a dead bird poor thing. The blonde looks up and says where? |
| What do you call a gay midget with great timing? A Metro-Gnome |
| When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was... She said: 'Oh, two or three'. Now, she wonders why her marriage didn't work. |
| I found a copy of Mission Impossible 3 among my blu-rays the other day... I thought to myself: 'It's not really impossible if he's already done it twice." |
| Dinner A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!" The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!" |
| Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Christmas He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read |
| A little boy caught a priest masterbating... "What are you doing?" asked the boy. I'm Masterbating. You'll be doing is soon enough." explained the priest. "Why?" asked the boy. "Because my wrist is god damn exhausted!!" |
| My dentist gives me cavity searches all the time. I think I need a new dentist.. |
| I'm participating in a marathon this year. I'm the guy that pours cups of water for the runners. |
| What did Donald Trump say after getting catfished? **FAKE NUDES!** |
| I gave my cows ecstasy thinking they'll make more milk But the steaks were high. |
| Why did the guitar teacher get arrested? Because he was an arsonist. |
| I knew this girl that tried to trade sex for adderall. What an attention whore. |
| Me in a nutshell: Agh! What the Hell! Why am I in a nutshell! |
| I too believe more women should be in Government. That's why I support Betsy DeVos. |
| What direction was Kanye West facing when his dough was rising? Yeast ;D *cringe* |
| They say you should work until your bank account looks like a phone number. I checked my balance and realized, if that was true, I could retire! I have $9.11 in my account. |
| Why did the squirrel blush after he was hit by a car? He was flattered. |
| A 4 letter word for "talks nonstop" I keep trying to enter girl, but it doesn't work. I think the writers did this wrong. |
| A neutron walks into a bar and says "how much for a drink?" The bartender says, "for you, no charge!" |
| When Life gives you a cheese grater... You hold it up and say, 'Life's grate'. |
| Where do suicide bombers go when they die? All over the place |
| What do you call a group of terrorists with music degrees? Al coda |
| Hear about the famous chain-smoking Dutch painter? Vincent Van Cough |
| My girlfriend found one of my puns so funny that she flew into space and told it to an alien. Unfortunately, the alien didn't laugh. Personally, I think she took the joke a bit too far. |
| I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I can take a look around, but they said "no" and slammed the door on me My parents can be real jerks sometimes. |
| I like my men like I like my coffee Made by my mother-in-law. |
| A female weightlifter goes to the doctor A female weightlifter goes to the doctor and says "I've been taking steroids that long I've grown a cock" Doctor "Anabolic"? Female " No, just a cock" |
| The biggest question of our generation... Who makes the sandwich in a lesbian relationship? |
| Here's the thing about George Clooney's wives... Once you've seen one, you've seen Amal. |
| How long are math snakes? 3.14 feet. Well, at least the ¿thon is (I'm so sorry) |
| Can a woman make a man a millionaire? Yes, if he's a billionaire. |
| What happens after NASA farts? It apollogises. |
| Why did Bobby Shmurda go to jail? He was convicted with second degree shmurder |
| Life is like a chalk of boxlets... Ya never know what yer gonna ship. |
| Trump heard that some of Patriots weren't coming to the White House. They say he was deflated. |
| I'm almost a millionaire! I have all the zeros, just looking for the one. |
| I was having trouble staying awake at work but my coworker beat me to the last cup of coffee in the pot. It's like they say: if you lose you snooze. |
| Does anyone else get as excited about Valentine's Day coming up as they did about Christmas when they were little? Or is it just because I'm Jewish? |
| What do you call a pencil that won't draw on colored paper? An erase-ist (e-racist). |
| What did the doctor say to the annoying patient who didn't like the way he was stitching up his cut? Suture self. |
| Two black guys are pissing off a dock and into a lake... *Two black guys are pissing off a dock and into a lake...* *...one guy says to the other:* **"Man, this water's cold!"** *The other guy replies:* **"And deep too!"** |
| After accidentally shooting his pet with the shrink ray, my friend decided to give the pet away. It's my newt now. |
| Why do hipsters love field hockey? Because it's ice hockey before it gets cool. |
| When are men the smartest? NSFW Before sex, during sex, or after sex? During sex because he's plugged into miss know it all! Edit: a word |
| What did a passing motorist say to the elderly SS Officer? Give it some gas grandpa! |
| My friend told me to try out a gloryhole, since you can pretend it's a woman on the other side I've sucked 5 dicks so far and I still have no idea how this is supposed to work |
| I prayed to god to end violence on earth. He responded to my ticket saying "You shouldn't have rolled on a PvP server" |
| The only person in my life that told me to smile... Was the camera man. |
| Fun fact: there are obese people outside the USA yeah, fat americans on vacation... |
| Someone once asked me why I don't tell 'your mom' jokes... I responded by saying that 'your mom' are so overused. Just like your mom |
| Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Mr. Pibb can't perform. |
| for those of you with a sense of humour and are sick of car ads try this when you see a car ad in your mind replace the word "car" with "cat" when you look at your cat he/she will think your ready for the loonie bin |
| I need to find the watch I misplaced But I can't seem to find the time. |
| (NSFW) Someone ordered pizza to the twin towers on 9/11... They got two large plains |
| This joke is ironic. This joke is not ironic. Isn't that ironic? |
| People need to learn to live in the moment, because the here and now is a special gift. That?s why I call it the present. |
| Why are black people so loud? Because they think we can't hear them ;) |
| Friend asked to use my phone to call his mom.. Told him to just hit redial. |
| Who is Frosty the Snowman's most favorite comedian? Bill Brrrrr. I'll see myself out... |
| [NSFW] What does a superstitious pimp check every day? His whore-o-scope. |
| A friend told me that laughter is the best medicine Now I understand why Jeff Dunham is so sick all the time |
| What type of bakery has the fastest service? A Russian bakery. |
| What's the quickest way to get in touch with your inner self? Single-ply toilet paper |
| Clothing related typos... They're the vest |
| Queen Elizabeth may have lived to be 102, but Diana got up to 120 when she died. |
| What is the church music director's biggest fear? Crabs on their organ. |
| I said hello to a feminist today. Trials start next week. |
| What kind of cheese is not yours? American cheese. |
| I went to a seafood disco last night Pulled a mussel |
| Why do churches hate geometry? There's too many sins involved. |
| Why didn't the Koala get the job? He didn't have... The Koala-fications. |
| What do you get when you combine Richard Simmons with Stephen Hawking? A fruit and a vegetable. |
| People keep asking me what I'll be doing in 3 years time Like come on guys I don't have 2020 vision |
| Tom Brady has a perfect record in the Super Bowl He's 5 out of 7. |
| Trump plan to alleviate world hunger and illegal immigration . . . . . . he's going to round up all illegal aliens and issue them Soylent Green cards |
| What's the difference between a hookers and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. |
| I had a dream last night that I was reading Lord of the Rings to people. Turns out I was just Tolkien in my sleep. |
| Who is the third member in a German and Russian gangbang? Poland |
| A marketing executive walks into a bar I guess it was set too low. |
| What does Altoid mean? I've always wondered what that word mint |
| What did the chemist shout, noticing only half his water was deuterated? DOH |
| What does America and Apple both have in common? They both started to de-port when jobs died. |
| This valentines day be sure not to buy flowers from any Monks. Because only you can prevent florist friars! |
| What do you call a fat girl in yoga pants at Walmart? Cashier |
| Only 1940 kids will get this A job |
| [Politics] Is mental gymnastics an Olympic Sport? If it is, Sean Spicer could take home the gold, silver and bronze for the US. |
| I have a date for Valentinesday 14. February |
| Trump's preparing Mexico for the Olympics. Every Mexican took gold in the pole vault. |
| How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes the entire ER staff to get it out. |
| I'm gonna name my first kid Robot. That way no matter what he'll always have a job! |
| I used to steal toys from the hobby shop, but they caught me when I started taking the Airfix sets I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you modelling kits! |
| What did the Chinese cat say? *mao* |
| The terra-cotta warriors are fake They were mass-produced in Chinese sweatshops. |
| Did you hear the one about my hairy, cannibalistic uncle? He was an aunt-eater. |
| Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor. |
| I tried out for suicide club I didn't make the cut |
| What do you call the presidential toilet? The Donald Dump. |
| What do you call two lesbians in a closet? A Liquor Cabinet |
| The boys asked, "Grandma, are you watching today's football match?" She asks which match. "Austria-Hungary". She answers& "Against whom?" Stolen from r/witze. |
| I am very happy with my wife. She likes to compliment me from time to time..... Otherday she was telling me that I have the biggest cock among my friends. |
| What is Donald Trump's least favorite state? New Mexico. |
| What did the Valley Girl say when she could only understand even numbers? I can't odd |
| Smokers go out in the cold for 10+ minutes a day and freeze their asses off in the winter and what do they do they get in return? Cancer. |
| "Shoveling snow is great exercise" \- Satan |
| What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common? I don't care if she has either. |
| Have you heard the joke of the traveler? Wait until he arrives, then he will tell you. |
| Why is Tumblr bad for you? Because it contains too much Transfat. |
| Back in my day, we didn't have MTV... We had to smoke pot and watch the radio! |
| Pretty lady sits next to a man at a bar Man: You're beautiful. Your definitely going to get laid tonight! Lady: You're cocky. How do you know that? Man: Because I'm stronger than you. |
| What do you call a Hispanic sniper? A Puerto-recon. |
| What are the three greatest lies? a)the check is in the mail b)small is beatiful c)I won't come in your mouth |
| A millennial moves house... Knock knock Who dis? New door |
| I'm so racist, I would only date from the one true race... ...The human race |
| I was going to push Donald Trump into a vat of wet cement but I decided not to... ...It would have really set a bad president. |
| What is the shittiest part of Object Oriented Programming? Reading the abbreviation backwards. |
| I booked a table for me and my girl... for valentines day. shes going to go mental she hates snooker |
| I love to squeeze my girlfriend when she is on her period. She is like my little ketchup packet . |
| Dad Joke It was my birthday an me and my Dad were driving on the highway when we saw a terrible accident. My Dad said "This is the worst accident I've seen in 20years!" Well yeah it was my 20th birthday. |
| The absolute value of zero. lol |
| The Oxy Tribe is an ancient tribe full of highly smart and intelligent people. So what do you call a stupid Oxy? An oxymoron |
| What does a cannibal call his girlfriend? Cutie pie |
| A horse walks into a bar... People begin to quickly, but calmly leave the bar as they realize the potential danger of the situation. |
| What was the highlight of the bulimic bachelor party? It was when the cake came out of the girl. |
| 5% of the time I make typing mistakes while messaging english speaking friends and 95% the German auto-correction will just.. Flicken es... |
| Donald Trump 'complained hand towels on Air Force One are not soft enough' After He Wiped His Ass With The Constitution |
| Knock. Knock. Who is there? Pizza delivery. Pizza delivery who? Pizza Inn. Pizza in whom? |
| What are 50 babies, each holding a gun, called? An infantry. |
| Did you hear about the clown on the loose in the textile factory? The manager was in stitches |
| I think I have OCD. I Think I Have OCD. I think I have O.C.D. I think I have O.C.D.. |
| Travelling doctors are an interesting idea... ...but they don't work in practice. |
| Why was the chicken unrecognizable? It crossed too much |
| Over the last few weeks i've been collecting details about my life and adding them to spreadsheet on my computer. I've really exelled myself. |
| We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash and Bob Hope Now we have Trump, no cash, and no hope. |
| What do you call when a Programmer pukes at IHop? A Stack Overflow |
| Vladimir Putin is banning Brazzers saying it's bad for the psyche. "Psyche". Now I know how to say 'wrist' in Russian! |
| As a writer, I often correct grammar online and get called a Grammar Nazi because of it. I'm not a Grammar Nazi, okay? I'm just alt-literate. |
| I want to open a gym for people with fetishes. It's a great idea in theory, but I'm still trying to work out the kinks. |
| Sieg Heil by Covergirl Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one panics. Hitler does the same thing and everyone loses their minds. |
| What do you call a greedy oyster? Shellfish. |
| I saw someone robbing a store and went to stop him. He hit me with a bag of golden coins. I guess you could say I had some cents knocked into me. |
| I like my coffee how I like my calculus expressions: Limitless. |
| I always carry a bomb around with me ... What is the likelihood of having two bombs in the same place at the same time? |
| My wife thinks I'm "selfish in the bedroom". She's the one that won't let me sleep. |
| Old People Always Poke Me Old people at wedding always poke me and say You Are the Next . . So, I Started Doing The Same Thing To Them At Funerals |
| I hate weeping willows. They're too sappy. |
| Paper or plastic? I went to buy condoms the other day. I asked the guy if he could double bag it for me. He just looked at me and said "You're gonna have to do that yourself buddy!" |
| What do you call a two dimensional shape that works out way too much? A Noneckagon |
| Two tennis players got into a shouting match. They made quite a racket. |
| How many nuns does it take to change a lightbulb? Nun. |
| My friend had his appendix removed and was out shooting with his other friends not a day later. Turns out cops don't like it when you try to kill them. Poor appendix didn't stand a chance. |
| Why did the Super Bowl Champions refuse to meet Trump at the White House? Because they were Patriots. |
| Why does Betsy look so distracted Her husband devos her |
| What's better than /r/jokes? the comments in /r/jokes |
| A pirate walks into a bar.. With a wheel on his crotch. The bar tender says "Aye, what's with the wheel?" Pirate says "arrrrrghhhhhh, it be driving me nuts" |
| How many bacteria does it take to change a lightbulb? One ... no, two ... no, four ... no, eight ... |
| A man walks into a barbershop and says, do you cut pubic hair? The Barber, a little taken back, says, "well, sure, why not?" The man bares his teeth and says, "Great. Can you get this one?" |
| I am annoyed that my wife came up with a girls name for my penis I don't even know who Ana Conda is! |
| What do call an irrational fear of fake bees? A faux bee, aah! |
| *Knock knock*-forever *Knock knock* Who's there? ..Deja Deja who? *Knock knock* Who's there? ..Deja Deja who? *Knock knock* Who's there? ..Deja Deja who? *Knock knock* Who's there? ..Deja Deja who? *knock knock* |
| What's blue and not very heavy? Light blue. |
| Who's to coolest member of staff in the hospital? The ultrasound guy. And then who takes the title when he goes on holiday? The hip replacement man. |
| What do you call a bad joke? POTUS |
| Did you hear about the guy who couldn't pay for his exorcism? He got repossessed. |
| I have a dig bick You that read wrong You read that wrong too |
| What's im season at the White House Peach |
| What do you call a dog with no hind legs and balls of steel? Sparky... |
| What makes Jeff such a bad boy Racist sessions |
| What do you call a really smart dinosaur? A Professaur. |
| I hate breakups. Especially when they try to let you down gently. "It's not you, it's me" "I just need some space" "We can still be cousins". |
| I learned a few things today. 1. I'm gonna be a dad! 2. I'm gonna be an uncle! 3. My sisters not on the pill. |
| He likes to bury coal He's a deepholeable |
| Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside. |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_20.txt |
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| @@ -0,0 +1,642 @@ |
|---|
| "Teacher, I can't do this problem!" "Any five year old can do that problem." "Damn! No wonder I can't do it! I'm almost ten!" |
| Atlas is the biggest thief in history, because he held up the whole world. |
| Knock-knock. Who's there? Terra. Terra who? Terra reason you won't let me in? |
| What do you get when every car in the nation is pink? Answer: a pink carnation (the flower) |
| Have you heard about the new blonde paint? It's not too bright but it spreads real easy. |
| What do you call a horny fish? A blowfish |
| Teacher: Jimmy! Count from one all the way to ten! Jimmy: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. Teacher: Good, now what comes after that? Jimmy:Jack, queen and king! |
| What is 4-2? two. What is 8-6? two. Who wrote Tom Sawyer? Twain Now say the answers altogether. Two two Twain. Have a nice twip! |
| Child: "Teacher! I can't find my boots!" Teacher: "Are you sure?" Child: "Yes! There is only one pair left, and it's not mine!" Teacher:"Are you sure?" Child:" Definitely! Mine had snow on them!" |
| Why don't skeletons ever play music at church? Because they don't have any organs! |
| What did the statue say to the other after a break-up and make-up? I'm sorry I took you for granite. (granted) hahahaha |
| Why does Hershey's chocolate taste so good? Because they are made by women! (Her-She) hahahaha |
| A golf ball is a golf ball, no matter how you putt it. |
| Child: Mommy, why am I so skinny? Mommy: Don't worry about it, dear. When your father was born, he only weighed four pounds. Child: Really? Did he live? |
| My uncle is very superstitious. He won't work any week that has a Friday in it. |
| yo momma so fat she played pool with the planets! |
| Earth Worm: Oh, I wish that darn evil Mister Barney hadn't chopped my brother into two sections! Other Earth Worm: Why? Earth Worm: Because, now I have two half brothers! |
| Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A: The lawyer charges more. |
| Melvin checked out a book from the library because the title read "How to Hug". It turned out to be volume 7 of the encyclopedia. |
| You're pretty... pretty ugly! You finally figured out how to screw in that lightbulb, but the power went out. You're smart... smart as a fencepost! |
| yo momma is so poor everytime someone rings the doorbell the toilet flushes |
| You're so stupid you thought "harass" was two words! |
| Q: Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job? A: He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer! |
| If my dog's face looked like your face, I'd shave his ass and make him walk backwards! |
| Knock Knock. Who's there? Ike, Anne, Wyatt, Tillie. Ike, Anne, Wyatt, Tillie who? Ike Anne Wyatt Tillie (I can't wait till) it's three o' clock! |
| What is it called when an insect kills themself? Pesticide! |
| Knock Knock. Who's there? Dewey. Dewey Who? Dewey(Do we) have to listen to all this knocking? |
| Knock knock. Who's there? Justin. Justin who? Justin town and thought I'd say hello. |
| Knock knock? Who's there? Water. Water who? Water you doing? |
| Knock knock? Who's there? Oswald. Oswald who? Oswald(I swallowed) my gum! |
| Knock knock? Who's there? Kip. Kip who? Kip your hands off me! |
| Knock knock? Who's there? Howie. Howie who? Howie gonna figure this out? |
| yo momma so dumb that she went to the movies and after they told her under 17 not permitted she went back and got 16 more friends. |
| You have a face like a baby, with a brain to match. * Credited to my friend fqzeng. |
| Your Mama's so fat when she went to a hotel she asked for a water bed and they just covered up the pool with a blanket and said no divers. |
| The accountant's prayer: "Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am, Eastern Daylight Saving Time." |
| "Somebody complimented on my driving today," a blonde told her friend, "I found a note on my windshield that said'Parking Fine'." |
| How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to turn it the other to grade the person. |
| Q: Why do blondes drive VWs ? A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE |
| After class ends a 1st grader goes up to his teacher and says, "I don't mean to scare you Teacher but my parents said that if I keep getting bad grades, then..." "Somebody's gonna get a spanking." (nodnod) |
| yo momma so skinny she can hula-hoop with a cheerio. |
| You know your day is bad if your twin sister forgot your birthday. |
| Yo momma so dumb that when we told her it was a serial killer on the loose she went and locked all the boxes of cereal up in the cabinet. |
| How do you know if you're a redneck? If you go to a cousin's wedding looking for a girlfriend. |
| Yo momma so fat she went on a sea food diet - she see food and eat it. |
| knock-knock. who's there? yo mama. yo mama who? this is yo mama stop playing. |
| My friend's mom is so fat I was upstairs and when she fell I ran down screaming, "EARTHQUAKE!" |
| What's the difference between snow men and snow women? Snow BALLS! (Ding dong kind) |
| Yo momma so stupid she went to commit suicide and tried to jump out her basement window. |
| yo momma so fat she has her own area code. |
| What do you get when you mix cigarettes in hot water? A soggy butt. |
| Why are there so few amusement parks in Japan? Because they aren't tall enough to ride them! |
| Knock knock. Who's there? Sue. Sue who? I'll sue you if ya don't let me in! |
| Q: How can you tell if a blonde has stolen your bike? A: She's running away with it under her arm. |
| An Indian man made a painting with the sun above a beach. He proudly displayed his painting. When people marvel at his work and asked, "What's it called?" He said, "Sun of a Beach." |
| Did you hear about the tree that made an Ash of itself? |
| Yo momma so dumb, that when we told her it was chilly outside she ran out with a bowl and a spoon. |
| Q: How do you serve food in space? A: On flying saucers |
| Q. Why was Moses the most wicked man? A. He broke all 10 Commandments at once. Q. What animal could Noah not trust? A. The cheetah. Q. What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark? A. Flood lights. |
| Exam Question: Define courage. Student Answer: This is. |
| Knock-knock! Who's there? Yoda! Yoda who? Yo-da door's stuck! Lemme in! |
| At weddings old people poke me and say, "You're next!" At funerals, I do the same. |
| Yo momma so fat, she used pillowcases for socks. |
| Friend 1:"Yeh,you are looking too fat." Friend 2:"You are looking too old." Friend 1:"I am not old." Friend 2:"Then, I am not too fat." |
| My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. |
| If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee. |
| Teacher: Joey, your behavior is terrible! How many more times am I going to have to keep you in after school? Joey: 97. Teacher: 97? Joey: Yeah. That's how many days are left until the summer holidays. |
| What goes 99-clump, 99-clump, 99-clump? A centipede with a wooden leg. |
| Knock Knock. Who's there? Swen. Swen who? Swen are you going let me in!? |
| The closest you've ever come to a brainstorm is a light drizzle! |
| What does a blond think the last 2 words of the national anthem are? Play ball! |
| What does Hannibal Lecter call Britney Spears? Dinner at Hooters. |
| Lady : Is this my train? Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company. Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean, can I take this train to Kuala Lumpur? Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy. |
| Oh, what a shame. It looks like the Ugly Fairy kissed you on both cheeks. |
| What's the hardest part of skydiving? The ground! |
| What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a shark? Far far away! |
| A Mexican and an Iraqi terrorist are in a car. Who's driving? Answer: The police. |
| Analogy of sex: Insert the 'quarter' into the 'vending machine' and then the 'gumball' comes out. |
| "What's wrong with you?" you asked a very dumb guy that was taking your order at the newest resturant in town. "The doctor doesn't know yet, hehe (snort)." |
| Why did the chicken pox cross the road? He was afraid if he stayed he would be spotted. |
| How do the kids of dentists get around the neighborhood? On Molar-Skates |
| What movie is really the sequel to April Fools? The May-Tricks |
| What's Samurai Jack's favorite fish? Swordfish |
| What monster was created on April 1? Pranken-stien |
| Knock-Knock! Who's there? Frayed. Frayed who? Frayed no one's going to answer the door. |
| The skeleton walked into the bar and asked, "Can I have a beer and a mop?" |
| What did Tennessee? What Arkansas. |
| What kind of cheese is not yours? Nacho cheese |
| The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again." |
| Q: What did the blonde say when she looked in the box of cheerios? A: Oh look, donut seeds! |
| An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?" "How would you feel," the astronout replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?" |
| Yo momma's so ugly, when she went to the house of mirrors, it collapsed. |
| Yo mommas so old her birth certificate says "EXPIRED" |
| How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap the "Whopper"!!! |
| His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Mr Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman. |
| A blonde and her friend were tracing their names from stencils to cut out. When they ran out of room, the blonde turned the paper over and said,"Hey, there's lots more room on this side!" |
| What do you call a woodpecker without a beak? A headbanger. |
| Roses are red, Violets are blue. Yo momma is ugly, And she looks just like you. |
| Man: Haven't we been on a couple dates before? Woman: Couldn't have been. I don't make the same mistake twice. |
| BOB- We were learning about fractions today in math class. JOE- Oh, really? What did you learn? BOB- One half of what I was supposed to! |
| What's the difference between MJ and Mr. Potato Head? MJ has more noses. How are MJ and a Wal-Mart bag alike? They're both plastic and hazardous to children. |
| What did the dick say to the condom? Cover me, I'm goin in! |
| Which comes first, Ben-Gay or Preparation H? Ben-Gay. After you have been gay, you'll need the Preparation H. |
| Q: What did the blonde say when she crossed the road? A: Hey! How'd I get over here? |
| Yo momma is like a brick. She's flat on all sides and gets laid all day. |
| Recently, Today Tonight have held a survey. The results indicate that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population. |
| Knock knock who's there? Ivanna Ivanna who? Ivanna come in, dammit! |
| Little johnny walked into a club where people were doing the macarena. He watched them for a while, and asked someone: "What are you guys doing? Searching for your wallets?" |
| Yo momma so fat that when she went out dressed in green she got arrested for driving a tank. |
| Why did Humpty dumpty go to the shrink? Cause he was half cracked. |
| A middle school student was working at a shop for his after-school job. He had on a Dairy Queen shirt. A kindergarten student walked up to him and said, "Wow, I have 3 of those shirts! You must be cheap!" |
| How come people are willing to get up off their butts to search the whole room for the remote, because they refuse to get up and change channels manually? |
| This is a joke song ok "I pledge allegiance to the flag, Micheal Jackson is a fag. He used to play with little toys, but now he plays with little boys." |
| Yo momma's so ugly, she looked at me and my eyes burned off. |
| Q: Why did the blonde have tire tracks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK" |
| I heard they were going to name a highway after Willie Nelson in Texas... But be Warned: When taking this highway look out for pot holes! |
| Did you here about the new redneck Barbie doll? It comes with twelve kids, aids, and a welfare check. |
| One morning, during breakfast, I say, "I had the strangest dream. It was about aliens." My mother asks, "What are aliens?" My father asks, "What kind?" |
| Yo momma can be used as a weapon: she's so ugly, she'll blind house robbers! |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from KFC |
| Knock-Knock! Who's there? Broken tape recorder, Broken tape recorder who? Broken tape recorder, Broken tape recorder, Broken tape recorder, Broken tape recorder, Broken tape recorder... |
| Knock-Knock! Who's there? Pencil. Pencil who? Pencil fall down if you don't wear a belt. |
| Knock-Knock! Who's there? Chugga Chugga Chooch Chugga Chugga Chooch Who? Wheeee!! A train! All aboard! |
| Yo Momma's feet are so ashy she leaves white footprints. Yo Momma's house is so nasty the roaches moved out. Yo Momma's hair is so short it's ingrown. I would stay and chat, but yo momma's water bowl is empty. |
| A wise man once said. I Don't know ask A Girl! A wise man Once Said. Life sucks and then we die. |
| I didn't lose my mind! I sold it on Ebay... |
| For all of you who say I need anger management... Just to let you know, if I could control my anger, I'd destroy you with it! |
| We and You is friends. You smile, We smile..... You hurt, We hurt.... You cry, We cry... You jump off a bridge... We gonna miss you! |
| Could you fax me your photo very very urgently? Mind you it's really very very urgent, damn serious and very important ..... I'm playing cards and we've misplaced the JOKER. |
| PLEASE DON'T SMOKE IN MY OFFICE! I enjoy sex more than you enjoy smoking but you don't see me screwing in your office. |
| What she says: Any ring is fine, as long as I have you. What she's thinking: No diamond? How cheap! I'll make his life a living hell! I'll put poison in his coffee! I'll cut his brake lines! Get her a diamond, idiot!! |
| Dear brother, I smile because you are my brother. I laugh because there is absolutely nothing you can do about it! |
| Batman once wrote on the wall, "Superman is a wimp." The next day, Superman wrote "Batman is Bruce Wayne." |
| Why did the penny become angry with the nickel? Because the nickel was a "penny pincher". |
| What did one tradesman say to another? I hope you have a "barter" day tomorrow. |
| Knock knock. Who's there? No one. No one who? No one to tell you who's here! |
| Why did the blonde bury her walkman? Because the batteries were dead. |
| How does a stereotypical blonde spell "farm"? E-I-E-I-O |
| To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. |
| What's the difference between a Mexican and a Bench? A bench can support a whole family. |
| Girl, "Oh, Superman I love you so much!" Superman,"I don't blame you." |
| CAT 1- So how'd that milk drinking contest go? CAT 2- Oh, I won by six laps. |
| BOB: Hey, I ran into George the other day. JOE: Oh, really? Was he happy to see you? BOB: Well, we were in our cars at the time... |
| Yo Momma is so fat that when she put on a yellow jacket kids tried to get on it to go to school because they thought it was a bus. |
| If a man speaks in the middle of the forest and no women are around to hear him, is he still wrong? |
| Some common phrases that bees should know: Are you are hipbee? How comb? Hive already finished. |
| Stupidity is not a crime... So you're free to go! |
| You're so old your social security number is 1! |
| I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other |
| You were so ugly as a baby, your incubator was tinted. |
| My family has no traditions. We just do the same thing, over and over again, each year. |
| Knock-knock? Who's there? Estelle. Estelle Who? Estelle am waiting for you to open this door! |
| LADY TO BEGGAR- Why don't you get a job? BEGGAR- Actually, I'm an author. I once wrote a book entitled "One Hundred Ways to Make Money." LADY- Well then why are you begging? BEGGAR- It's one of my ways... |
| "So what's your dog's name?" "I don't know. He won't tell me." |
| PATIENT: "Doctor can you help me? It's my hearing. I can't even hear myself cough." DOCTOR: "Okay, have this prescription filled." PATIENT: "Oh, will it improve my hearing?" DOCTOR: "No, but it will help you cough better." |
| FOREST WARDEN: "Which of you saw this rare tree get cut down? CAMPER: "Only the chain saw." |
| CUSTOMER: "Look at that watch you sold me. It broke. You told me it would last a lifetime." CLERK: "Yeah, well you looked pretty sick the day you bought it." |
| JUDGE: "The court can produce a dozen witnesses who saw you rob the bank." ROBBER: "Big deal! I can bring in hundreds of people who didn't see it!" |
| DOCTOR: "Do you smoke or drink?" PATIENT: "I didn't know I had a choice." |
| PIANO PLAYER: "Do you think I have a gift for playing?" LISTENER: "No, but I'll give you one for stopping!" |
| yo momma so short that when she sat on the curb her legs swing |
| Rising gas prices have caused the following event: The wife comes home and says, "It's been a tough week. I want you to take me someplace expensive tonight." The husband promptly takes her to the nearest Gas Station. |
| Mom (Reprimandingly): Julia! How many times must I tell you not to pull the cat's tail? Julia (Innocently): But Mom, I'm only holding the tail. It's the cat that's doing the pulling. |
| Little Mikey's parents were going out, and Mikey said, "For 20 bucks, Dad, I'll be good." "Oh please," said his father. "When I was your age, I was good for nothing." |
| "What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?" "I don't know; and I couldn't care less." |
| A man with two left feet walked into a shoe store and asked, " Do you have any flip-flips?" |
| A dumb blonde, smart blonde, santa clause, and the tooth fairy are walking on the sidewalk together. One of them steps on a five dollar bill. Who picks it up? Answer no one!! three of them don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper. |
| Knock-Knock Who's there? I'm a pile up. I'm a pile up who? Yes, you are a pile of poo! |
| BOB- It's Friday the 13th. Do you have any superstitions? GEORGE- I think it's unlucky to have superstitions. |
| Q: Why do black people have white hands? A: Everyone has a little good in them |
| Q: What do you call it, when a bison gets a loan? A: A Buffa-loan! |
| Daddy: Get the Nuts son Bobby: Yes Dad Daddy: Ouch! |
| Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken.Call the manager! Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either. |
| A man was searching the dictionary for the word 'Dictionary'. He found this meaning: Dictionary is the thing you are holding, Stupid. Wondering what the definition of stupid was, he searched for the word stupid, he found: Is that you again? |
| Q: How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They merely change the standard to darkness and upgrade the customers. |
| Why did the book have to go to the hospital? Because it injured its spine. |
| Eminem/ M & M: I don't like the rapper, but I like the candy inside the wrapper. |
| You know you're a redneck when your brand new tv is sitting on your old ones. |
| It's only funny until someone gets hurt... Then it's hilarious! |
| yo mammas breath so nasty that when she burps her teeth have to duck |
| I went into your house, took a booger off the wall and yo mamma told me not to touch the family portrait. |
| Your mom is so stupid she tried to wake up a sleeping bag. |
| Yo Mama's so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say, "Damn! Is it Halloween already?" |
| What did the clock say to the wristwatch? "I enjoyed tocking with you, but now you're starting to tick me off." |
| Vegetable: "Hey, lets get married." Fruit: "I'm sorry." Vegetable: "We could secretly get married." Fruit: "No, we couldn't." Vegetable: "Why?" Fruit: "Because we can't elope." Can't elope = cantelope |
| Do you know what style of shoes a frog loves most? Open toad! |
| Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. |
| Your Momma's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles people SLOW DOWN! |
| Don't drink and drive, you'll spill your beer. |
| Women are like beer. They look good, smell good, taste good, and feel good. But after a while you gotta have another beer! |
| Yo Momma so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot-out. |
| Yo Momma so poor, she wore her McDonalds uniform to church. |
| What kind of monkey eats chips? A chipmunk! |
| "Doctor, Doctor! My friend has only 59 seconds to live." "Don't worry, I'll be there in a minute." |
| I work at Bed, Bath and Beyond in the 'Beyond' dept. |
| If to give a man a fish, he eats for a day, but if you teach a man to fish... He has to buy a license, poles, bait, and sit on his behind for four hours. |
| Q. How many ADD kids does it take to change a light bulb? A. Hey, let's go ride bikes! |
| There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who can do binary and those who can't. |
| How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? A buck an ear. |
| Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo? |
| Yo Momma so small, she held up a sign that said "Don't spit, I can't swim." |
| If your dog farts and YOU claim it... you might be a redneck. |
| Emerging from the chiropractor's treatment room, a young man said aloud, "I feel like a new man!" "I do, too," a middle-aged woman responded, "but I'll probably go home with the same old one." |
| Yo momma so fat she doesnt have dreams... she has MOTION PICTURES! |
| Two guys were at the gym. Bob asked Ben, "How did the date go with my sister?" Bob replied, "I didn't know your sister was famous. When I took her to the opera, and when it was over no one would leave until she stood up and sang." |
| Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk? A: The cow fell on her. |
| Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots. |
| Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. |
| Yo mama's so funky, they closed the beaches for a week after she drained her bath water. |
| Yo mama's so poor she can't even pay attention. |
| If the most common phrase in your house is "Somebody go jiggle the handle!"... you might be a redneck. |
| What is more peculiar than watching a catfish? Watching a goldfish bowl. |
| Why did the banana go to the doctors? Because it wasn't peeling well |
| What do elephants always bring on holiday? A trunk. |
| Why is a football pitch so cold? Because of all the fans |
| What are Martians favorite sweets? Mars-mallows. |
| What do you give a sick pig? Oinkment. |
| Which fish is the most valuable in the sea? A goldfish. |
| What type of saw cuts the sea? A see-saw. |
| What is the noisiest part of a tree? Its bark. |
| Ever been to KFC? Ever notice that sometimes their toilets do not provide toilet rolls? Reason being that they uphold their motto: "It's finger licking good!" |
| A woman and her goose walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "Why'd you bring the pig in the bar?" The woman answered, "I do believe this is a goose!" The bartender says, "I was talking to the goose!" |
| What do you get when you cross a chicken with a monkey? George W. Bush |
| What's grosser than gross? When you find a used tampon in your ketchup bottle. |
| What's grosser than gross? When you're eating a bowl of rice crispies and one gets up and slithers away. |
| My mouth has turned into a flower bed. It has tulips. |
| What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive. |
| What's a man's ultimate embarrassment? Having an erection, walking into a wall, and hurting his nose. |
| What kind of sign does a prostitute hang on her door when she goes on vacation? "GO SCREW YOURSELF!" |
| Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? A. Money. |
| Always be smarter than the inanimate object that you're working with. |
| A man said to his golfing friend, "I hit two of my best balls yesterday!" "Oh yeah?" "Yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker." |
| What are the first 4 words in the Mexican National Anthem? "Attention all K-Mart shoppers" |
| Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A:To get to the shell gas station! |
| What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe? Answer: Roberto. |
| Ever wonder why bottled water costs so much when there is so much of it? Spell "evian" backwards..... |
| There are 3 religious truths: Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian Faith Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters |
| ok, If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the Jags, and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers known as Bucs, what does that make the Tennessee Titans? |
| Two friends were talking. The first one said to the other, "Hey, have you seen the movie, "Constipated" yet?" The other replied, "Of course not! It hasn't come out yet." |
| Students... Take Note: Knowledge is power ... But power corrupts ... And corruption is a crime ... And crime doesn't pay ... So if you keep on studying you'll go broke! |
| After every line I type, say out loud to yourself, Hairy Pickle There once was a guy named He lived in a town called Nobody did like So they hung him buy his |
| Yo momma so stupid, she thought that Tiger Woods was a place that was dangerous. |
| What do you call the best fishermen in the state? Master Baiters |
| Yo Momma so stupid, she tried to cut through a safe with a Laser Tag gun! |
| In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired. |
| The law of drunkenness- You can't fall off the floor. |
| Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. |
| Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. |
| I didn't lose my mind, I just let it wander and it never came back. I miss it so much. |
| Yo momma's so fat she tried on Orion's belt. |
| Q: What's the difference between a blond and a toothbrush? A: You don't lend a toothbrush to your best friend. |
| What was the female math book that lived underwater wearing? An algae-bra |
| Q: Why did the boy wear a diaper to the party? A: He didn't want to be a party pooper. |
| Q: What do you do when your nose goes on strike? A: Pick it. |
| FRIEND: You don't look so good, what's wrong? HARRY: I got domestic trouble. FRIEND: But Harry you always said your wife was a pearl. HARRY: Yeah its the mother of pearl that's the problem. |
| Q: How do you recognize a blonde in school? A: They are the only ones who erase their notebook when the teacher erases the board. |
| Q: What does a blonde do when it gets cold? A: Sits around a candle Q: What does she do when it gets really cold? A: Lights it |
| A redneck taped toilet paper to his television. He said, "Hey, lookie here, now we have free paper view!" |
| Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl? A: He got pissed off. |
| A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder." |
| Q: What's weirder than a talking dog? A: A spelling bee! |
| Knock-Knock. Who's There? Cargo. Cargo Who? Car Go "Beep, Beep!" |
| According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money |
| "Live in a way such that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." -- Will Rogers, Humorist |
| You're so broke, your bologna doesn't have a first name. |
| Kock-knock. Who's there? Please. Please who? It's the police! Open the door! |
| Yo momma's so fat, when she goes to get the mail it measures on the Richter scale. |
| Remember- There's a light at the end of every tunnel... just hope it's not a train! |
| What's the difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids don't eat broccoli. |
| Teacher: "Johnny, what is the outside of a tree called?" Johnny: "I don't know." Teacher: "Bark, Johnny, bark." Johnny: "Bow, wow, wow!" |
| Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marajiuana, Jack got high and unzipped his fly and Jill said I don't wanna. |
| One drunk to another: "Have you ever been so drunk you'd kiss a woman's stomach?" Second drunk: "I've been drunker than that!" |
| A black female is having trouble with her menses. She goes to the gynecologist and he asks: "Mrs. Williams, what kind of flow do you have?" "Linoleum" she replies. |
| What's the difference between a prostitute, your mistress and your wife? The prostitute says, "Are you done yet?" Your mistress says, "You're not done yet!" And your wife says, "Beige, I think we ought to paint the ceiling beige." |
| Indian chief addressing the tribe says: "I've got good news an bad news. The bad news is 5000 college students just moved next door to the reservation ... good news is, they taste like buffalo." |
| What's the difference between a "fox" and a "dog?" About 6 drinks. |
| It's impossible to be a participant in the march of time and not get a few blisters. |
| Nobody can breathe out of their nose and mouth at the same time. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * You know, 95% of the people who read this try to do it...well, it's impossible!!! DUH!!!! (lol) |
| *Types Password* -Penis ~We're sorry, the password you have entered isn't long enough. |
| yo momma's so fat that when she stepped on an air-plane she got arrested for 800 pounds of crack. |
| You are stuck in a foxhole with a cobra, Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and only two bullets in your gun. What do you do? Shoot the lawyer twice. |
| What does a blonde do when her computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave. |
| What is Helen Keller's favorite color? Corduroy. |
| Politics - A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage |
| Why is there an L in NOEL? |
| When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it's an anagram of 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not! |
| Yo mama's so skinny, when she wears striped PJ's there's only 2 stripes. |
| A blonde, a brunette, and a red head were swimming the breast stroke in a race. The blonde comes in last and says "Not to be a sore loser or anything, but I think the other girls were using their hands.". |
| Did you hear about the inexperienced terrorist who tried to blow up a bus? He burnt his mouth on the exhaust pipe. |
| Q:What is the difference between a leech and a lawyer? A:The leech stops sucking you dry after you're dead. |
| Your momma's butt is so big when she sits down she's three feet taller. |
| Goldie, a middle aged Jewish woman goes to see a fortune-teller. "Two men are madly in love with me!" Goldie says. "Who will be the lucky one?" The swami answers...."Morris will marry you, and Irving will be the lucky one." |
| Your momma so white and ugly Michael Jackson took one glance and thought he was looking into a mirror! |
| What was the witches favorite subject in school? SPELLing |
| Knock-Knock Who's there? Apricot. Apricot who? Apricot my key, open up! |
| Q: Why are cats similar to sentences? A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws; a sentence has pause at the end of its clause. |
| "An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?" "Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car." |
| Mary had a little lamb, And a little pony too, She put the pony in a field, And the lamb into a stew!! |
| His death won't be listed under "Obituaries," it will be under "Neighborhood Improvements." |
| 1st woman: I took my son to the zoo yesterday. 2nd woman: Did they accept him? |
| Teacher: Recite your tables to me, Joan. Joan: Dining table, kitchen table, bedside table... |
| 1st man: My son was born on Saint David's day, so I called him David. 2nd man: My son was born on Saint Patrick's day, so I called him Patrick. 3rd man: Well, my son was born on Shrove Tuesday, so I called him Pancakes. |
| If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel |
| Yo Momma so dumb, she was killed in a pie eating contest when the cow sat on her! |
| Q: What do you have when there are 100 rabbits standing in a row and they all start hopping backwards? A: Receding hare line. |
| Reporters asked Dan Quayle what he thought of Roe v. Wade? His response: "Two alternate ways to cross the Potomac." |
| What does the "O" and the "N" stand for in 'CLEMSON'? The "O" is for honor, and the "N" for knowledge. |
| Ever hear about the Polish athlete who won a gold medal? He had it bronzed. |
| Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?" |
| A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." |
| Knock-Knock. Who's There? Tank. Tank Who? You're Welcome! |
| What's a Jewish dilemma? A free ham sandwich. |
| Actual bumper sticker on a jeep (the writing was upside down). "If you can read this, flip me over!" |
| What has wheels and flies? Answer: Garbage truck |
| You don't have to go faster than the bear, you just have to go faster than the slowest guy running from the bear. |
| Q. What are the strongest days of the week? A. Saturday and Sunday, because all the rest are week days. |
| Yo Momma is so poor, I saw her walking down the street with one shoe, and I said, "Hey, you lost a shoe." And she said, "No, I found one." |
| Yo Momma is so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "Okay!" |
| 1) Umm... 2) Well... 3) Hmmm, er... 4) |
| A man and his love had a terrible spat: She scratched his face and he knocked her flat; She spat at him and he threw her around; She jumped from behind and he fell to the ground. How sad to see such trouble as that... Between a man and his household cat! |
| Q: What did the little chick say when his mom laid an orange? A: Look at the orange-mama-lade! |
| aaaaa |
| A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?". The bartender replies, "For you, no charge". |
| What' did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift. |
| Yo momma so stupid, she looked in the Cd player for her cassette tape! |
| I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel. |
| If you want to make someone laugh, use this line: Sorry. say that again. I couldn't hear you over my fart. |
| Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back! |
| Q: What does Donald Trump say before he lights off a fire work? A:You`re fired! |
| yo mamma so fat that her nickname is you gonna eat that |
| Q: How do you sink a canadian submarine? A: You swim underneath it and knock on the door |
| A mother complained to a doctor about her daughter's strange eating habits. "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?" "Don't worry," said the doctor. "Eventually, she'll rise and shine. |
| Yo momma so fat, she tripped on 4th Ave. and she landed on 12th! |
| One dog said to her pups, "Don't ever bite the hand that feeds you. Any other hand is ok, though." |
| A boy walked up to a man and asked, "Hey mister, wanna donate to the WE NEED HELP children's fund?" the man said, "No, but I will donate a pack of listerine bottles because I hope all of the kids' breath don't smell as bad as yours!" (real life situation) |
| A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what is your third question?" |
| You know you're ghetto when you carry food stamps in a money clip! |
| What kind of shoes do you wear to the beach? SANDals! |
| Knock-Knock Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? I didn't know you could yodel! |
| Dogs have masters, cats have staff. |
| Knock, knock. Who's There? Yule. Yule who? Yule never know until you open the door! |
| Q: Why are hairdressers always on time? A: Because they know all the short cuts! |
| Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women... 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. |
| Wait a second!!! I am NOT a loser! I have tried. I am a failure. |
| Yo momma so stupid that she forgot where she parked her car in an empty parking lot! |
| What did the male rabbit buy the female rabbit for her birthday? 14 carrot gold! |
| Why couldn't the glass fool anybody? Because everybody could see right through him! |
| Q: How can you tell when a bucket gets sick? A: It becomes a little pale. |
| A blonde walks into a restaraunt and asks for fish and chips. When she sees the fries on her plate she says "I asked for chips, not fries!" |
| A blond is in math class. The teacher says, "We are going to be learning about pi (3.14) today. Does anyone know what that is?" The blond says "I do. I made a cherry one this morning." |
| Knock Knock Who's there? Candy Candy who? Candy have some sweets? Please! |
| Knock Knock Who's there? Snowflake. Snowflake who? There's snowflake like home! |
| Courtney: Let's see who can stay up the longest tonight. Kaitlyn: I know! We'll pinch each other every ten minutes to make sure we don't fall asleep! Starting right NOW! Courtney: Hey, I'm not even tired! Kaitlyn: See, my plan is working! |
| What do you call a dinosaur that is able to give you a synonym for any word you give him? Answer: A Thesaurus! :) |
| 1. The Yankees General Manager's name is Brian Cashman. 2. Barry Bonds' initals are BB, the abreviation for a walk is also BB. |
| What key opens no lock? A Monkey! |
| What key opens no lock? A Turkey! |
| Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine! |
| There was a big moron and a little moron, sitting on a ledge. The big moron fell off. Why? Because the little moron was a little more on. |
| Don't let your mind wander. It's too small to be out on its own. |
| Cathy was looking through the window of a clothes store when she spotted a pair of short-shorts. "Wow, these pants are half off!" she told her uncle. Her uncle said "They should be, they are only a half pair of pants." |
| What's the difference between an ice-cream? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A motorcycle, it has no wheels. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Hehe, you should have seen your face!!! |
| Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils! |
| What is the answer to this riddle? What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die? A: Nothing |
| Q: What do the Star Trek Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? A: They both circle around Uranus searching for Klingons! |
| How do you make one disappear? Add the letter g, to make it GONE! |
| Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash! |
| What did the porcupine say to the cactus? "Is that you, mommy?" |
| What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite |
| Yo momma is so dumb, she tried to fix breaking news! |
| What is a cat's favorite part of the computer? The mouse! |
| What's a ghost's least favorite room in a house? -The living room |
| Knock-knock Who's there? Olive Olive who? Olive you!!! |
| Why did the kid walk backwards to school? Because it was back to school day! |
| How do spell mousetrap with only three letters? C-A-T |
| One eye says to the other eye, "Between you and me, something smells." |
| Where does a judge eat lunch? At the food court! |
| Why did 3 blonds jump off the building? To see if their maxi-pads had wings! |
| Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible." |
| JUST because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I |
| When I die I want to go peacefully - like my grandfather did - in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car. |
| Why are there no phone books in China? Because there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number. |
| Did you hear about the new muslim air mattress? It blows itself up. |
| Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull? |
| Why did the chicken go across the field? Because the referee shouted "FOWL"! |
| I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future. |
| Yo momma so fat, she has to use the highway as a slip and slide! |
| What crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers! |
| Yo mama's so short, she had 2 cuff her panties. |
| Yo mama's so fat, she jumped on the arch and made it into the MacDonald's M. |
| yo mama's so fat, she waz about 2 jump in the ocean, and the ocean jumped out and said u 1st. |
| When you go into the bathroom you're Russian; when you are in the bathroom, European; when you come out of the bathroom, you're Finnish. You have to read the nationalities slowly |
| What's the difference between a duck and a spider? A duck has a web in its feet, a spider has its feet in a web! |
| What do you get when you cross a praying mantis with a termite? A bug that says grace before eating your house. |
| Johnny and his mother were having a parent-teacher conference. MOTHER: Johnny really enjoys having you as a teacher, Mrs. Bengal. JOHNNY: Really? I didn't know it was opposite day! |
| 1. If you had a $25 bill, what would you do with it? 2. How many tomatoes grow on a tree? 3. How many animals did Moses take on the ark? |
| What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in front of a door? Matt What do you call a guy with no arms or legs swimming? Bob What do you call a guy with no arms or legs water skiing? Skip |
| (These are fake books, but they make me laugh) "Spots on the Wall" by Hoo-flung-poo "Under the Bleachers" by Seamore Butts "Ten Steps from the Outhouse" by Willie Makeit, Illustrations by Bettie Cant |
| Why are all the numbers scared of 7? Because 7 ate 9! |
| Knock Knock. Whos there? Deaf person. Deaf person who? Sorry, can't hear you. |
| Yo Momma so dumb when she went through the McDonalds drive through, she drove through McDonalds. |
| A blonde laughs at a joke 3 times. When the joke is told, When the joke is explained, And 5 days later, when she gets it. |
| I know this might be a little on the stupid side but I think it's funny... Happy Birthday to you.. You live in a zoo.. You smell like a monkey.. And you look like one too.. |
| There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor." |
| Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex? A. They're called Predicaments |
| If someone says, "A penny for your thoughts,", and you give them your two cents worth, what happens to the other penny? |
| Yo momma's breath is so stank the thermometer read, "I Quit!" |
| Yo Momma's so fat, she wears a microwave as a beeper. |
| Q. what is more diffucult than getting a pregnant elephant in your car? A. getting an elephant pregnant in your car |
| Q. Why are families like chocolate? A. They are mostly sweet, with a few nuts! |
| Dad: Courtney, do you want penne pasta for dinner? Courtney: No, but I'll have dime or quarter pasta. |
| Yo moma so fat, when she sat down, she sat next to Everyone! |
| Knock Knock ! Who's there ? Bless ! Bless who ? I didn't sneeze ! |
| Knock Knock Who's there ! Banana ! Banana who ? Banana split, so ice creamed ! |
| Yo Mommas like a really popular website;over 10,000 hits a day |
| A drunken guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you,Batman!?" |
| What has 40 teeth and holds back a monster? My zipper. |
| Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. That is what their students are for. |
| Q. What do me and a mirror have in common? A. When we see your face we both crack up! |
| You're so dumb you stole free samples. |
| What is the difference between a lawyer and a wood tick? A wood tick falls off when you die. |
| Haven't I seen you on TV? Well yes I do appear off and on, how do you like me? Off. |
| Yo mama is so fat, she can sell shade. |
| Your mama is so fat, a giant mistook her for a bowling ball! |
| Man: "Do you think I'll lose my looks when I get older?" Friend: "With luck, yes." |
| Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. |
| There have been recent terrorist activities in France. Today the had to upgrade their security system from "Run" to "Hide". If things get any worse they'll have to go to "Surrender", and then "Beg for Mercy". |
| Yo momma so fat she uses a dump truck as a toilet! |
| yo mom is like a shotgun, one cock and shes ready to blow |
| How can you spot a happy motorcyclist? By the bugs in his teeth. |
| "Honk if you hate noise pollution!" |
| Yo momma so dumb she got hit by a parked car! |
| If your ex-lover wants you back and you want him to know your serious, here's something you could say: "Come on back and take yo space, 'cuz if you break my heart again, I'll break yo face". |
| At the end of a T.V. show, why do they say "filmed in front of a live audience?" Well, it wouldn't be a dead audience, would it? |
| Why do Chickens have no breast? Cause the Rooster has no hands! |
| I once knew a boy who was dating his left hand and having an affair with his right. |
| A blonde goes on vacation to New York and wants to take a tour. She goes to ask about the tours and says, "So, where can I catch the bus for the walking tour?" |
| A blonde is eating out at a very fancy restaurant with her family. Right then she sees an ice carving of a dolphin by the wall. She says to the waiter, "I love that ice carving, but what do you do with it when it melts?" |
| A blonde was telling her priest a Polack joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?" |
| Wonder if you are a redneck....Well, if you have been married four times and still have the same in-laws you must be. |
| Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate 1. |
| Q: How many colorguard girls does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Five, one to call the colorguard forward and four to take it down with a ceremony. |
| What do PSP's and Michael Jackson have in common? The both get turned on by little boys!!! |
| Yo mama is so fat she's scared to look at low fat food! |
| Did u here Michael Jackson is sick? He had a 10 year old penis!!! |
| Why was the cemetary so crowded? Everyone was dying to get in!!!! |
| A kid said "I have a dirty joke; a kid fell in the mud". Another kid said, "I know a dirty joke; two kids fell into a pile of mud". Then the other kid said, "Well, I bet I have the dirtest joke of all; 2 pigs fell into a pile of mud and 3 came out!" |
| Joke: Why does Snoop Dogg Carry an umbrella? Answer: For Drizzle my nizzle |
| Yo Momma is so fat the other day she was late to work and her stomach was an hour early. |
| Don't follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls. |
| Knock-Knock. Who's there? Yoo who? No thanks. |
| Yo Momma's stinks so bad, she puts on Secret and it told on her. |
| You might be a redneck if when someone says: "Do you have any duct tape?" And you say: "I don't have any ducks on tapes but I've got some on my wall." |
| Little johnny was heard praying in a loud voice a week before his birthday. "Dear God I pray that I will get a computer game for my birthday!" "Why are you shouting" asked his mother "God isn't deaf?!?!?!?!?" "I know said Johnny, but grandma is!" |
| yo mama is so fat people run around her for exercize |
| Can you tell if this lady is blonde? After placing an order in the drive-thru, the lady came on the speaker and asked: "Is that for here, or to go?" |
| Yo momma is so fat, when she was laying on the beach, everyone was screaming, saying "Look it's Free Willy!!!!'' |
| Yo mama is so fat, when someone wants to shake her hand she has to give directions! |
| A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock. The blonde replied, ''What for? Are you going to set it on fire?'' |
| How do blonde brain cells die? Unused... |
| How many stupid blondes does it take to make a circuit? Two - one to stand inside the bath, the other to pass the hair dryer. |
| Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. |
| Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold? A: No need for them to worry about blowing their brains out. |
| I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but i can't get my wife to go swimming! |
| Yo momma so nasty I was on the phone with her, and she gave me an ear infection. |
| Yo momma's breath is so stank, that they consider it a weapon of mass destruction. |
| Few women admit their age, Few men act theirs. |
| What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar? A love call. |
| Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor? A. By the ears. (Lick her) |
| Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common? A. No ball room |
| Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail? A. I feel like a kid again! |
| Q. If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on? A. The Captain's dinghy! |
| Man: How many asian people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Asian Man: Whats a lightbulb? |
| A blonde goes to the store and gets a box of almonds. As she is allergic to nuts, she asks a clerk at the counter, "Does this contain nut ingredients?" |
| A blond goes into a pizza shop for a snack. She orders, "May I have a veggie pizza slice with all the works?" The worker says, "That would be our combo pizza." The blond says, "No, thanks. I'll stay with the veggie slice." |
| The only concept they understand is "mine". |
| Why did the squirrel go to the acorn shop? He broke his nuts on something! |
| laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and some-one will hear you, but fart and you're on your own!! |
| The squirrel's eyes widened as he tried to move but froze when he realized........ He'd buried the wrong nuts! |
| What's gray, has four legs, and a trunk? A mouse on vacation. |
| 1. Think of a number. 2. Multiply it by 3. 3. Now add 5. 4. Take away the number you first thought of. 5. Now add 7. 6. Subtract 2. 7. Add back the number you first thought of. 8. Now, close your eyes. > > > > > > > > Dark, isn't it? :-) |
| I'm trying computer dating, at least I'm not getting dumped... but I do get deleted. |
| if stealing kids is kidnapping,is stealing adults oldnapping? |
| Where does a Dog go when he loses his tail? Answer: A retailer |
| Why do snakes always lose in court? Answer: They don't have a leg to stand on! |
| Did you hear the one about the gay midget? He came out of the cupboard. |
| Why is it better to be killed by a shark than by a lawyer? Answer: The shark would be brief. |
| Yo Momma so fat that when she went to school she had to sit next to everybody. Yo Momma so fat, her belt size is Equator. Yo Momma so fat, this guy was having sex with her, then rolled over twice and was still on her. |
| One day, 2 blondes walked into a tanning salon. One blonde said, "A tan for 2 please!" The cashier said, "Ok," filled out a form for them and asked, "are you two sisters?" They chuckled and replied, "No, we aren't even Catholic." |
| "Do you know that your dog bit my mother-in-law yesterday?" "Is that so? Well, I suppose you'll sue me for damages?" "Not at all. What'll you take for the dog?" |
| Jason showed his buddy the beautiful diamond ring he had bought his girlfriend for her birthday. "I thought she wanted a four-wheel-drive vehicle," ventured his friend. "She did," Jason said. "But where am I going to find a fake Jeep?" |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? Why do you care? |
| Roses are red, Violets are blue, I copied your test and I flunked too! |
| I like to sleep, and stay in bed, all because you cracked a hammer on my head. |
| Did you know that if you fart in church you have to sit in your own pew? |
| What did Spock find in the toilet? The captain's log. |
| Did you hear about the two peanuts who got mugged on their walk down the street? They were assaulted |
| I'm a schizophrenic and so am I. |
| What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved |
| How do you tell a boy chromosome from a girl chromosome? Pull down their genes. |
| Why did the white girl go have sex with a Mexican? Because her teacher told her to do an ESE. |
| "Doctor! I have a serious pronblem, I can never remember what I just said." "When did you first notice this problem?" "What problem?" |
| What is the difference between man and Superman? Man wears underwear under the trousers and Superman wears it over the trousers. |
| Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons? What happens if you pop the popcorn upside down? Why aren't HAMburgers made out of ham? And my favorite: Donde estan mis pantalones? |
| Only a redneck visits a trailer park to look for home decorating ideas. |
| Why am I stronger than Tarzan? Because I can beat on my chest without screaming. |
| Here's a stupid warning label: If you look at a fire extinguisher, it will say "Non-flamable" |
| If you fall down a bottomless pit... do you eventually die of starvation? |
| Why doesn't the glue inside the bottle dry? |
| Isn't it fascinating how feet smell and noses run? |
| If you think about it, a muffin is just a bald cupcake! |
| As far as we Americans know, Osama Bin Laden could, quite possibly, be right here in New York, posing as a cab driver, and we'd never know. |
| If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever? |
| How did Hellen Keller's mother punish her??? rearranging her furniture. |
| Did you know that the goverment finds Native American chiefs more important than presidents? The new head on Mt. Rushmore is at least twice the size of the others. It's the head of an Indian! |
| What did the sick pony say to its mother? I'm a little hoarse. |
| What do you call a Grizzly with no teeth? A gummy bear |
| Fred was getting out of his car to go to an electronics store and had his dog in the car with him. "Stay," said Fred. A blond was witnessing all this and said to Fred, "Would it just be easier to put it in park?" |
| A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink." The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.'' |
| Q:What do you call a Bass Clarinet player with half a brain? A: Gifted |
| Your momma so old she sat next to Jesus in the 3rd grade |
| Why do lawyers always wear a tie? To keep back the foreskin. |
| Why did the blond make a square pie? Because Pi(r) squared! |
| Knock Knock! Who's there? Abbey! Abbey who? Abbey stung me on the nose! |
| Knock Knock Who's there? Acid! Acid who? Acid down and be quiet! |
| Knock Knock Who's there? Acid! Acid who? Acidently on purpose! |
| Knock Knock Who's there? Bach! Bach who? Bach to work! |
| I was eating a fruit rollup once, you know, with the paper on the bottom...well the instructions were "Do not eat paper." Noooo! I thought the paper was part of the snack!! |
| Politians are like constipated people-they're full of shit. |
| What did the pirate say when he got cold? Shiver me timbers!!! |
| Give blood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Go skateboarding. |
| I can only be kind to one person a day. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Today is not your day. |
| Kid 1: You did it again! Kid 2: What? What did I do? Kid 1: You know, that thing. Kid 2: What thing? Kid 1: That thing when your lips move and sound comes out. |
| You have the right to remain silent. Exercise it. |
| Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" The guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting. He played golf a lot, drank beer, and farted whenever he wanted. |
| Why should you never play poker in the jungle? -because there are too many cheatahs!! |
| Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly? |
| A woman went in for a breast exam. The doctor said, "Have a seat. I have to numb your breasts first." The woman said, "Okay." So the doctor put his face between her breasts and said, "Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb." |
| Did you have cookie for lunch? 'Cuz your face is kinda krummy. |
| Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years? Because blokes refuse to ask for directions. |
| What is the medical term for a woman getting a sex change? An adadictomy (add-a-dick-to-me) |
| Yo momma is so fat that she fell over and made the Grand Canyon! |
| The secret to enjoying a good wine is: 1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth |
| I did your mom... ...a favor by making you... ...lunch. |
| Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road? A: To take over the other side. |
| Sam: "Cas, phone for you!" Cas: "Okay, thanks, Sam." --BEEP OF PHONE BEING TURNED ON-- "Hello? Oh, hi...." --AFTER PHONE CONVERSATION-- Sam: "So, who was it?" Cas: "Heather." Sam: "What did she want?" Cas: "Our phone number." |
| 3 Hints to arguing with blondes: 1.) Use small easy to understand words. 2.) Keep your sentences short and to the point. 3.) Use, what I like to call, "Blonde logic" aka logic that only makes sense to them or on occasion other blondes. |
| May your troubles be as few and far between as your great-grandmother's teeth. |
| Q: What's the worst time to be a rat or a mouse? A: When it's raining cats and dogs! |
| Yo Momma's so fat, when she walks down the street and hums, the kids all run after her, waving money and yelling, "Ice Cream truck! Ice Cream truck!" |
| Did you know... in Louisiana it is illegal to tie an alligator to a fire hydrant and leave it unattended? Really! It's true! |
| The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods, hunting together when suddenly a beautiful blonde girl raced across their path, totally nude! "Would I love to eat that?" "Oui, oui!" The Frenchman said, smacking his lips. So the Italian shot her. |
| How do we know that Christ was Irish? Because he was 33; still lived at home; thought his mother was a virgin, and she thought he was the son of God. |
| How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One, men will screw anything. |
| How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 50... 1 to hold the lightbulb, and 49 to drink 'till the room spins! |
| A male blue whale, can ejaculate 40 gallons of sperm during sex. Only 10% of that will get to the female. The other 36 gallons is left in the sea. No wonder the sea's so salty. |
| How do you catch an elephant? Dig a hole, put peanuts around it, fill it with ashes and when the elephant goes to eat the peanuts, kick him in the ash hole. |
| Your momma is so old, she breast fed Methuselah. |
| If you want to know how to make a blonde's eyes sparkle......Shine a flashlight in her ear. |
| Q. How do you keep a blond from whistling while she is skydiving? A. Make sure she wears underwear. |
| Roses are red Violets are blue God made me pretty What the heck happened to you? |
| One day a boy said to his mom, "I'm a Picses, what are you?" The the mom answered, "Cancer." The boy then asked in a shocked state, "You killed Grandma?" |
| A lady was at the bar when a guy started hitting on her. She said "I'll send my pants to you from the dry cleaners, that way you can get into them on you own time." |
| Flea: (noun) a small, wingless, bloodsucking parasite (see also) a. Brother-in-law b. lawyer c. politician |
| Knock-Knock, Who's there? Alarm. Alarm who? Alarm the cops about all the partying I've been having!! |
| I-rish my beer was full... |
| Q. How do you keep a jack ass in suspense? A. I`ll tell you tomorrow. |
| Here's a lighted dynamite stick, please hold it until I get back. |
| Help reduce air pollution, stop breathing |
| Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent. |
| Keep talking, I always yawn when I'm interested. |
| Your mouth is so big you could swallow a whole banana... ...sideways |
| A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it. |
| As an outsider, what do you think of the human race? |
| Someone dropped $50. Who do you think will pick it up? A.) An honest politician B.) A five year old child C.) Santa Claus B.) A 5 year old child, all the others aren't real. |
| Q. Why did the dog fall out of the tree? A. Because it was dead Q Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A. Because it was stapled to the dog! Q. Why did the tree fall over? A. Because it thought it was a game. |
| 1. Did you hear about the man who had a shower without getting his hair wet? He was bald! 2. Did you hear about the boy who was named after his father? His name was Dad! |
| Q.) How does a blonde make a stainless ink pen? A.) She doesn't put ink in it. |
| Yo mama so stupid, when her softball coach said to keep her eye on the ball, she stared at the softball for 3 days straight! |
| Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking female flies. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me," he says, turning on his best charm, "...but is this stool taken?" |
| Two blondes are filling up at a gas station. The first one says to the other, "I bet these awful gas prices are going even higher". The second replies, "It won't affect me. I always buy exactly $10 worth". |
| Knock-Knock Who's there? life life who? A life is what you need to get! |
| How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it. |
| How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. |
| What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko. |
| Q.) What do you ask a kid wearing a muscle shirt but has no muscles? A.) Did you leave your muscles in your other muscle shirt? |
| Q.)Your child poops in their pants- what do you do? A.)Drop off the child at day-care and make them change it. |
| Q) What does a blond say when she comes out of a lesbian bar? A) Wow, those people sure were friendly! |
| A wife asked her husband well you remarry if I die? Husband:(caught off guard) He said no, I already did.... CRAP!!! |
| Your momma so ugly she didn't even have to dress up for Halloween, and still scared everybody, and made some people say, "Nice costume!" |
| Yo momma is so stupid, she tried to kill 2 stones with one bird! |
| Billymac: "Those there are award winnin' cows." BubbaJr.: "What'd they do?" Billymac: "They're outstandin' in their field" |
| You might be a redneck if..... you went weeks without food or shelter just so you could have front row seats to a Brooks-n'-Dunn concert. |
| If "poly" means "many" and a tic is a bloodsucking creature, than what are politicians? |
| What do you call a dog without legs? It doesn't matter - he won't come, anyway. |
| Q.) What does a blond think a leprechaun is? A.) An elf. But she only sees it when it's near the holidays and has drunk an Irish drink. Even though her parents keep telling her they aren't real... |
| Q: Why do people have small dogs? A: So they can carry them in their bags, and when the person farts, they can blame it on the dog. |
| To all who do NOT believe in evolution, I have proof: MY spaghetti from two weeks ago has started growing arms and legs and I think it just called me, "Mommy". By the way, I, myself, do NOT believe in the theory of evolution. |
| You're a redneck if: The only thing you swing a bat at is a mailbox. |
| You are a redneck if: Your mother has ammo on her Christmas list! |
| You are a redneck if: Directions to your house include ''Turn off the paved road...'' |
| The funniest bumper sticker is: Keep honking I'm reloading! |
| You are a redneck if: You like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before you could walk. |
| Where do cats go to find their tail? The retail store. |
| What does a grape say when it gets squished? Nothing, it just lets out a little whine. |
| Many employers motivate workers with bonuses. Some offer gym memberships, a few even supply day care for their working mothers and fathers. Our bosses go a step further. A sign posted in our break room read: New Incentive Plan . . . Work or get fired! |
| I used to be schizophrenic, but now we're just fine |
| Sometimes, I worry about you... But then i remember that my mom told me never to anthropomorphize. |
| Q.) What kind of service has a two for one "Tuesday" special? A.) Yo mama!!! |
| A boy came back from school and noticed that his father was wearing his weeding ring at the wrong finger. He asked his father, "Why are you wearing your ring on the wrong hand and finger?" And the father said,"Because I married the wrong wife." |
| Q: Why don't blond chicks date blond guys? A: To avoid inbreeding. |
| Vini vedi velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around) |
| Q.) Why do homeless people love to go to church? A.) There is always free water. |
| You Are A Redneck If: You light a match in your bathroom and it blows your house off its wheels! |
| What do you call a lion wearing a hat? A Dandy Lion. |
| Q.) Why did the dog go to court? A.) Because it got a barking ticket. |
| Q: What is a cheerleader's favorite drink? A: Root Beer! |
| If you ask a Bears fan what his or her two favorite teams are they would be: - The Bears - And whoever the Green Bay Packers are playing. |
| I'm racist because I have colored TV. |
| What do you say to Mexican with a high salary? Can I have ketchup on those fries? |
| What did the Chinese people call their retarded son? Sum Ting Wong |
| What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless! P.S. This works for just about any instrument player. |
| What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? WELL HUNG |
| Q) What do you call an ant from overseas? A) Important |
| I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. |
| What is Kermit the Frog's middle name? The. |
| Yo momma so poor, she cleans her shoes with a pencil. |
| "Wow," said Joan after she saw that her friend got glasses. "You like my new glasses?", asked Peter. "Yep. They make you look really smart.", replied Joan. "I know. That's what my mom said. That's why I wear them in math class." |
| Yo Momma is so fat, that when she finally lost her spare tire, she still had an 18 wheeler to go! |
| What did the popsicle say to the lollypop as he was leaving? So long, sucker! |
| What did the lollipop say to the popsicle? 'Cool, dude!' |
| Hey! Is that your head or did your neck blow a bubble?! |
| Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: Because the chicken had the day off! |
| You are a redneck if: Your shotgun is named after your girlfriend. |
| You are a redneck if: you have the same number of teeth as you have fingers. |
| You are a redneck if: you've ever killed someone over a "kick me" sign. |
| You are a redneck if: you've ever searched for gold in your grandpa's chest and had your fingers taken off by the booby trap within. |
| You are a redneck if: you won money of your dead grandpa by playing poker with him. |
| You are a redneck if: you've ever had to towel dry after a fart. |
| You are a redneck if: you have a glass eye collection. |
| You are a redneck if: Your pet groundhog has ever bitten more than one of your thumbs off. |
| You are a redneck if: one wall of your home is a tarp. |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_21.txt |
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| When I was a little boy, I was considered clever for my age. When you were a little boy, you must have eaten paint chips. |
| Q) How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? A) 25! One to mix the batter and 24 to peel the m&m's. |
| I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add to it. |
| I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. |
| How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? |
| For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. |
| Droughts happen because God didn't pay his water bill. |
| Change is inevitable... except from vending machines. |
| "Ahhhh..." "Mike! What's wrong?" "I-I had a nightmare." "What was the nightmare?" "I-I-" "Yes?" "I-I-" "Spit it out!" "I-I went to heaven." |
| You are a redneck if: you've shaved off your eyebrows and taped them to a little kid's back. |
| You are a redneck if: You've ever bought steel-toed boots, only to remove the steel to patch a hole in your trailer. |
| You are a redneck if: you've ever had a family feud over a litter of coondogs. |
| You are a redneck if: you use a handful of creek mud as birth control. |
| The problem with keeping an open mind is that all my ideas tend to fall out. |
| You are a redneck if: you've ever held a lifelong grudge over a spelling bee. |
| (This is from my friend, Mitchell. It was very funny at first when we first heard him say it at lunch, and I figured I would share it.) Yo Momma's so fat, she ate a grenade and the explosion didn't even make it out! |
| You are a redneck if: you've ever gotten a headache reading the newspaper. |
| You are a redneck if: you've ever dislodged a sunflower seed from the corner of your eye. |
| One day, a little boy came up to a man at the park. The boy asked the man, "Why do you have a big nose?" The man answered, "Because...I have big fingers." |
| My goal is to find a soulmate. It's not cheating, just multi-tasking. |
| Which sweet is very clever? A Smartie |
| Q: Why did the hand cross the road? A: To get to the second-hand shop! |
| Knock-knock! Who's there? Toby. Toby who? Toby or not toby that is the question! |
| Q) What is: Black White Black White Black White? A) A nun rolling down a hill. |
| I've been following the ongoing Evolution vs Intelligent Design controversy, and as a card-carrying botanist, I'm a very strong supporter of Darwin. But still, there are things in life that rational science simply cannot explain. Like Paris Hilton... |
| Q. How many acountants does it take to change a lightbulb? A. 1 at a fixed rate of 3.5% income return after purchase for every bulb replaced over a 6 year plan, with projected inflation expected to rise to over $1.25 per bulb in 2006. |
| Yo momma's arms are so short that she has to tilt her head to scratch her ears. |
| Knock-Knock. Who's there? Accordion. Accordion who? Accordion to the t.v., it's going to be cold out. |
| Yo mama is so ugly, that they pushed her face into cookie dough to make gorilla cookies. |
| When everything's coming up roses, it's time to celebrate. But, when everything's coming up daisies, it's time to mourn. |
| How long does it take a blond to change a lightbulb? They never change it, by the time they've realized that it's broken, the world would of ended. |
| While on a game show, Justins had to identify a number of sounds. When she heard this: *laughter then plop, plop, plop* she identified it correctly right away. What did she say? An audience laughing it's head off |
| Why don't vegetarian women scream during orgasms? They refuse to admit that a piece of meat gives them pleasure! |
| You might just be a redneck if your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. |
| What does a blonde and a screendoor have in common? The harder you bang them the looser they get. Why did the blonde climb the glass wall? To see what was on the other side. What is the first thing a blonde does in the morning? Get dressed and go home |
| Why did the blond have blisters on her lips? From trying to blow out lightbulbs! |
| How do you keep a blond busy? Write "please turn over" on both sides of a paper! |
| One blond to another: "The electicity break down was terrible. I was stuck in the lift for 2 hours." The other blond: "That's nothing, I stood on the elevator for 6 hours!!! |
| Wat is die toppunt van geraas? 2 geraamtes wat woellig spyker op n sinkdak met n coke blikkie as n kondoom! |
| Pappa : jy moet nou soet wees, ek gan jou tottie afkap. Seuntjie : kan ma afkap, want sussie sin is klaar af en omgedop en dit lyk BEFOK!! |
| Prostitute shouting accross the street - "Hey, black boy! You want a blow job?" He shouts back "Fuck off! I don't want ANY job!" |
| If a kid asks where rain comes from, I tell him, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, I tell him, "Probably because of something you did." |
| Yo momma so old, she still owes Moses a dollar. |
| You are a redneck if: You've ever carved a gunstock out of a bedpost. |
| Knock-knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes me, who's you? (This is me, who's you.) |
| It is illegal to stick coins in your ears in the state of Hawaii. |
| Why were the police at the baseball game? Because someone stole second base! |
| Yo momma is so fat and dumb, she used Antarctica as a popsicle! |
| yo mommo so stupid when she was drowning, she ate a Lifesaver. Lifesaver is a candy. |
| If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? |
| 100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest? |
| Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. |
| Famous last words: "Ok, I'm only going to have one..." -- Said the polygamist right after marrying his first wife. |
| You might be a redneck if your dad bought you a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for Christmas. |
| Yo momma is so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner - so she went looking for it. |
| Yo momma is like a bus; she's big, doesn't smell very good, and it's only a dollar a ride. |
| Yo momma is so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a species will be extinct. |
| Yo Mama is so stupid, she bought a video tape on how to fix your VCR! |
| Yo mama so poor, she has to chase down the garbage truck with a shopping list! |
| yo momma is so old --- she knew Burger King when he was a prince! yo momma is so poor --- I saw her banging on the dumpster and I asked her what she was doing and she said "My kids locked me out!" |
| What do you call when god takes a crap? Holy shit! |
| Two cows were in a field grazing. First cow says, "MOO." Second cow says, "You asshole, I was gonna say that." |
| Yankee Doodle went to town A-riding on his mother Every time he hit a bump He had another brother! |
| What do you call 2 nuns and 3 prostitutes on a football field? 2 Tight Ends and 3 Wide Receivers |
| Knock, Knock Who's there? Ya Ya - who? I didn't know you could yodel! Yahoooo! |
| You're so ugly that when you entered an ugly contest, out of 10,000 people, you won first place! |
| You're like a Wendy's. The drive through is open till 1am or later. |
| A good friend will say: "I love you!" (In a sarcastic tone) A best friend will say: "I love you, you f***in' b****!" |
| What did the little black boy get for his birthday? Your bike. |
| Why does it take 3 women with PMS to change a lightbulb? BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, OK!!!! |
| Yo momma's so fat she stood on a talking scale and it said, "1,2,3 GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!!!!!!!" |
| Knock-Knock Who's there? Me Me who? Who the hell is me-who??? |
| What is the most racist animal in the world? A parrot bacause Polly wants a cracker not a nigger. |
| Q: What do you call 50 black guys in a hole? A: Afro-Turf |
| You're so ugly, you scare blind children. |
| You're so ugly when you were born your parents named you "Shit Happens" |
| You're so ugly instead of taking you to the doctor your mom took you to the vet. |
| What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the Batmobile? "Get in the Batmobile, Robin!" |
| Why can't a gypsy man walk right? Because he has crystal balls! |
| >God made mud,<<<< >>God made dirt,<<<< >>>God made guys,<< >>>>So girls can flirt!< |
| It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. |
| Yo momma so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, the bitch caused an eclipse. |
| Knock-Knock Who's there Icee Icee who I see you in there now let me in! |
| Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue. |
| It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. |
| You so ugly, you make President Bush look hot! |
| Q: What's green, fuzzy, has 4 legs, and if it falls out of a tree, can kill you? A: A pool table. |
| Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place! |
| Yo mama so ghetto, her wedding cake was made out of cornbread. |
| Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor? A: Because he felt crumby. |
| How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Zero: For all blondes know, the lightbulb is still burning bright. |
| Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A: A quarter pounder with cheese. |
| Q: Why did the scientist install a door knocker on his door and not a door bell? A: He wanted to win the No-Bell (Nobel) prize! |
| There's a blonde who goes to a pizza parlor. When she orders, she asks for her pizza to be cut up into 6 slices instead of eight. Why? A: She's not hungry enough to eat eight. |
| Knock Knock. Who's there? Wet. Wet who? Wet me in! It's waining! |
| Q: Did you hear the story about the peacock? A: It's a beautiful tail. |
| Q: Why did George Washington sleep standing up? A: He couldn't lie. |
| Two turds were sitting beside each other in a toilet, when one looks to the other and says, "man, you smell like shit". |
| Q: What's the difference between a rabbit and a cow? A: One's a rabbit and one is a cow |
| Q: Why DIDN`T the skull cross the road? A: Because he didn`t have the guts! |
| Why did the frog cross the road? A: He was tied onto the chicken. |
| Yo Momma is so ugly, that when she met the ugliest man on Earth, he shrieked in terror and jumped out the window. |
| Fish + alien transpotation = Unidentified Frying Object |
| Q: What goes, "KCAUQ, KCAUQ"? A: A duck flying backwards! |
| BOB: Have you changed the water in the fish bowl yet? MARGE: No, it hasn't drunk the water I gave it a week ago. |
| I believe in evolution and if you don't I will let you meet my relatives.... Then you'll believe me |
| "I love you" is eight letters, but so is "bull shit." |
| I decided to kill the sexiest person alive, but then I realized suicide is illegal. |
| I often dream of the day when my car will be able to drive me home after a long hard day of work. That's about the time the driver next to me abruptly blows his horn telling me to wake up and get back into my own lane. |
| Did you hear the one about the blond Think Tank? Once they got it got started, it drove through three houses and a convienence store before they figured out how to stop it. |
| East to the Sea, West to the Land, Death to the B***h that touches my Man. |
| "Mario, I am in so much pain right now I can barely sit. Leave the mushrooms for the adventures and out of the bedroom." "Fine Princess. Yoshi, let's go." "No, no...Yoshi can stay." |
| Q-If the big breasted women work at Hooters, where does the one legged woman work? A-Ihop |
| Yo momma so old she got an autographed copy of the bible. |
| My T.V. has more channels then your IQ, and I DON'T EVEN HAVE CABLE! |
| "Doctor doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!" "I'll deal with you later!" |
| Q: How do you help a starving cannibal? A: Give him a hand! |
| One day in the 1800's a father asked his child to go get some nuts and berries. She went around and got nuts and berries from every boy she knew. When she showed her dad he said, "That's not what I meant!" |
| Q: Did you hear the joke about the jump rope? A: No, I skipped it! |
| When I shake your head, all I hear is echo echo echo... |
| Your face is sad. Not that you're crying, it's that I feel sorry for you. |
| You're so ugly that your momma cried when she saw you after birth. |
| You're so ugly that when it's Christmas, instead of giving you toys, Santa gives you plastic bags to cover your face. |
| Q. How do you keep an idiot busy? A. Tell him that the ground is going to fall on him if he doesn't get off it. |
| Yo mama's so stupid, she walked into an antique shop and asked "What's New?" |
| Yo momma's so dumb she dj's for the ice cream truck! |
| Yo momma so fat, she leaves stretch marks in the bath tub. |
| How women think about sex: At 8, ignore it. At 18, experience it. At 28, look for it. At 38, ask for it. At 48, beg for it. At 58, pay for it. At 68, pray for it. At 78, forget it. |
| Kid says to mom:"The babysitter's an angel! She was naked in the garden and screamed God I'm coming! Lucky daddy was holding her from behind to keep her here!" |
| What is the new name for a taxi in Oshakati? A computer. Why? It has windows, always crashes, & is driven by a thin black floppy with a virus. |
| The cat was chasing the rooster around on the farm, then the cat fell in the water and the rooster laughed. Lesson: For every wet pussy there is a happy cock |
| Woman tells man: :"I demand good manners in bed just like at the dinner table." So man gets into bed slowly, smiles & says: "Honey, would u please pass me the vagina?" |
| Good: You & Your wife decide not to have kids. Bad: Your wife can't find the birth control pills Ugly: You daughter borrowed them. |
| A Japanese girl accidentally lets out a disturbing fart after making love! She said: "Aww, so sorry. Excuse please, front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud!! |
| Did you hear about the cannibal who was late to dinner? He got the cold shoulder. |
| When a cop stops you he gives you a ticket,when a cop stops me he gives me his number. |
| Your so ugly you make Bin Landen look like a god. |
| Tom: I've got a great knock-knock joke. Bill: Ok, let's hear it. Tom: You start. Bill: Knock-knock. Tom: Who's there? Bill: ???????????? (dumbfounded) |
| Known fact amongst all men: Having sex can help combat asthma and hay fever, now we need to inform all women! |
| Your teeth are so yellow the sun should be shy to show it self! |
| Someday your prince charming will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions. |
| "No one dies a virgin, life screws us all!" |
| "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." -Poor Bear |
| Heaven won't take me and hell's afraid I'll take over. -Unknown (boardofwisdom.com) |
| What did the bee say to the naughty bee? Bee-Hive your self |
| When a guy asked a blond to take a survey, she asked, "Do I have to bring it back?" |
| A blonde and a brunette are hanging from a pole to see who can hang the longest. The blonde is showing off by hanging from one hand. The brunette says, "I bet you can't do no hands." The blonde takes the challenge and loses the contest. |
| Q: What do mice say when they see the moon?? A: "Ooh, Cheese!" |
| While driving to work, I found myself behind an old Ford Falcon, with five teenage boys inside. The best part was the bumper sticker in the center of the rear window. It read: DON'T LAUGH, YOUR DAUGHTER COULD BE IN HERE! |
| I never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed appoint |
| When I worked in the tourist industry in Florida, we got to wear some of the buttons that were for sale. My favorite read : We love serving tourists; I like mine well done! |
| I almost got fired for telling this joke at work: Do you know why fireman have bigger balls than policeman? They sell more tickets! |
| To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. |
| How do we look at a calendar to find what date it is, when we don't know the date? |
| One day a duck walked into a drugstore and bought some lipstick. She walked up to the clerk and said, "Put it on my bill!" |
| How is it we look in a dictionary to figure out how to spell something if we don't know how to spell it? |
| Knock-Knock Who's there? Oscar Oscar who? Ask her a silly question, get a silly answer! |
| Yo momma so dumb, She invented water proof tea bags. |
| An ejector seat on a helicopter. A fly screen on a submarine. An ashtray for a motorcycle. A lead balloon. A bikini for Eskimos. Sugar-cube fishing bait. A glass baseball bat.. |
| 1.Doctor, Doctor! My son swallowed a pen, what should I do? Use a pencil instead! 2.Doctor, Doctor! I think I'm getting shorter! You'll just have to be a little patient. 3.Doctor, Doctor! I'm invisible! I'm sorry, sir, I can't see you right now. |
| Yo momma's like 7-11... Cause she is open all day. |
| A man went to the hospital with a sprained ankle. The doctor said, "Don't worry, you'll be walking in no time." He was. The doctor stole his car. |
| Dick and Jane were arguing over the breakfast table. "Oh you're so stupid!" shouted Dick. "Dick!" said their father, "That is enough! Now say you're sorry!" "Okay," said Dick, "I am sorry you're stupid." |
| The King sent for his wise men all To find a rhyme for W. When they had thought for a time, But could not think of a single rhyme, "I'm sorry," he said," To trouble you." |
| knock-knock who's there? duck duck who? duck I just threw a frisby at you!! |
| A man who digs? Doug! A man who doesn't dig? Douglas! A woman with a cat on her head? Kitty! |
| Yo momma is so old, she was stood up by King Tut, before he became a mummy. |
| Child 1: Whatcha gonna do? Child 2: I'm gonna watch TV! Child 1: Guess what? I'm the QUEEN of the TV Freaks! |
| Yo mama is so fat that she uses all of Mexico as a tanning bed. |
| Yo momma is so fat she needs to lose weight. |
| Message from www.dating.com: Your dating ad has been on the net for 8 weeks without any answer! Do you rather want us to try one week without a picture? |
| Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth." Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet." |
| Q: How do you keep a cheepskate busy? A: Put him or her in a round room and tell them that you droped a $20 bill in the corner. |
| I don't need to write a joke! Whenever I see your face I start to laugh anyway!! |
| Why did the boy sprinkle sugar underneath his pillow that night? He wanted to have sweet dreams. |
| Why are llamas big and brown? Beacause if they were small & grey, they would be mice. |
| What is black & white an red all over? A penguin holding its breath! |
| What to a blonde is long and hard? 4th Grade |
| Teacher: John, why is your cat at school today? John: (crying)..I heard the milkman tell mom.."When the kid goes to school i'm gonna eat your pussy!" |
| Question: What is brown and sticky? Answer: A stick! Duh. |
| Doctor doctor! I keep thinking I'm invisible! WHO SAID THAT?!?!? |
| What does the male centipede say to the other male centipede when a female centipede walks by? That's a nice pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs..... |
| Yo momma'a so stupid she stopped at a stop sign and waited untill it changed to 'Go!' |
| What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? Getting fingered by Captain Hook. |
| What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other? We taste like chicken!! |
| What's the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease? One is a cunning runt and the other is a running cunt. |
| What does a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them. |
| Yo momma's so ugly, she turned medusa to stone! |
| Yo momma's So stupid she put yellow for the answer to the following question: What color is Santa's red suit? |
| You're about as useful as a bargain hunter in Sears! |
| 1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die from natural causes. 2. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. |
| The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market. The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds." |
| Yo momma so stupid she shoved a battery up her butt and yelled I've got the power |
| Q: What's the difference between a black owl and a white owl? A: White owl: Who who Black owl: Who that who that |
| Q: Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toypen? A: Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face saying, "Lie to me, lie to me!" |
| Here's 50 cents call someone who cares |
| If you can tell time... Why can't you tell that I don't have time for you? |
| Ever wonder why your ears are where they are? Just think, if they were on your butt, you would have to pull down your pants to hear what I'm saying --REDD FOXX |
| There once was a girl named Ann Hyser Who claimed that no man could surprise her. But old Pabst made a push at the Schlitz in her Busch and now she is sadder Budweiser! *This joke was made by Bill Klompus* Go Bill!! |
| Why did our founding fathers expressed equality, but the constitution says people born in other countries can't be president? |
| In the 60's, people took acid to make the world appear weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. |
| What do you get when a dinosuar stubs its toe? A: Stubasaurus |
| This above a uranal. What are you looking at? The real joke is in your hands! |
| General Ways to Annoy People Announce when you're going to the bathroom. Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!") ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons. |
| Ways To Annoy People On The Subway Stand in front of the doorway and glare at people when they try to get by. Constantly ask people for directions. Don't take a shower for a month. Tell the people your problems. They really want to know. |
| How many rich people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They hire people to do it for them. |
| What are you laughing at? Your mom is a hooker! |
| How many feet does a black rooster have? How many wings does a black rooster have? How many heads does a black rooster have? How many hairs are on the back of a white cat? Why is it that you know more about a black cock rather than a white pussy? |
| Q. What do you call a blond, redneck lawyer? A. Yo Momma! |
| The best things in life are free and the worst things in life cost only $19.95. |
| Yo Mama is so fat that when she has sex she has show directions! |
| Bobby-Hey do you remember what the teacher said in fourth hour? Jessica-?--------??? Bobby-Did you just have a blonde moment? |
| On a very busy high way there stood three images. Santa, The easter bunny and a smart mexican. Well who crossed the street first? None There is no such thing as santa, the easter bunny, or a smart mexican. |
| What's missing? ch_ _ ch U R you are |
| What is a robot's favorite food? Nuts and bolts! |
| Q. Where does a fish like to sleep? A. In a river bed! |
| Q. Where do Comedians go if they are sick? A. To the He-He-Mergency room! |
| Q. Why was the Gum so mad in class? A. It was Chewed Out! |
| Q. What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a computer? A. A lot of Bytes!!! |
| Q. Why was the piano locked out? A. Because he had no keys! |
| Q. Who likes to make dinner for Peter Pan? A. Captain Cook! |
| Q. What do you call a cow that gives chocolate milk? A. An Utter Delight! |
| Why couldn't the Human Torch get married? He couldn't find his Match! |
| What do you call a stupid garbage can? A Dumb-ster! |
| What did the director say after making the Mummy Movie? "It's a Wrap!" |
| Q. What always stays hot inside a refridgerator? A. Salsa! |
| My little sister recently asked me: "Why does the conductor of the band always wave his magic wand, but the players never disappear?" |
| No, of course it isn't. |
| Q. What little girl takes from the rich and gives to the poor? A. Little Red Robbin' Hood! |
| Your mama is so fat because your mama's mama passed down genes! |
| You're so fat you turn the world upside down! |
| A priest and a rabbi are sitting in a park talking. A young boy walks by, the priest says "Hey, you want to screw him?" and the rabbi says "Out of what?" |
| How do you plant dope? Bury a blond. |
| Yo momma's so fat, she sneezed and caused a hurricane! |
| A mother explained to her daughter, "We didn't have TVs not to long time ago, sweetie." She looks at her mother strangely and asks, "Then how did they play their VCR's? |
| 1. knock knock, who's there? Ima, Ima who? Ima hungry can we eat yet? 2. knock knock, who's there? peas, peas who? peas can we start know 3. knock knock, who's there? phil, phil who? phil my cup up with water please |
| rudeness - someone who keeps talking while your are trying to interrupt. |
| "Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade." "Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?" "Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor." |
| TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"? JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L." TEACHER: No, that's wrong. JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it! |
| SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? SYLVIA: Your name on this report card. |
| Of course you know they have changed the look of twenty dollar bills recently. What happens to the old ones? Bill Gates gets them! |
| From a brunette's point of view: Blondes may have more fun but hey, at least we can read! |
| Want to know a dirty joke? A white horse falls into a mud puddle. Wanna know a clean joke? The horse takes a shower. |
| What do the letters "INRI" at the top of Jesus' cross stand for? I'm Nailed Right In. |
| Who is Yo Momma? Yo Momma doesn't know. |
| This is laziness! |
| A man was screaming into his phone saying "Can you hear me now?". Annoyed, a CIA offical said "Yes, we can hear you now!" |
| To save a tree remove a Bush. |
| What do you call a woman with one black eye? A fast learner. |
| Yo momma so stupid she ties her shoes with spahgetti so she can eat and run. |
| You know your are in Alaska when you go to court and they ask you where you were on the night of October to April! |
| Yo momma so bald, I can read her mind |
| Can a mane date the sister of his widow? No, because you can't date when you are dead. |
| D.A.R.E. sadly doesn't stand for Drugs Are Really Excellent. |
| Yo momma so stupid she asked to buy a vowel on Wheel of Fortune and said "S" |
| What kind of sneakers do chickens wear? Re-bok-bok-bok-bok-bok. |
| Mr. Smith: "So, Mr. Jones, how's your son John?" Mr. Jones: "He's at Harvard right now." Mr. Smith: "Oh, really?! Well, congratulations! What's he studying?" Mr. Jones: "Oh, he's not studying anything. They're studying him." |
| If you haven't read this joke |
| Knock-Knock Who's there? Me DUHH!! |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know, ask the chicken! |
| What did the blonde say to the red head? Nothing. She couldn't remember what she was going to say! |
| Your so ugly, when you were born the doctors shoved you back in. |
| What did one penny say to another penny? Let's get together and make cents |
| How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but it takes a certified electrician to make it work. |
| You are so small that on your ID picture, your feet showed. |
| You are a redneck if: You think the following is funny You haven't read the joke "You are a Redneck If... #900". |
| Yo momma is so fat if they named a hurricane after her it would have to be a category 20. |
| Yo mommas so stupid she asked how much she had to pay to get a free car-wash. |
| yo mommas so stupid, she brought a TV remote to the movie theater. |
| Yo Momma so dirty, she went in for a shower and lost weight! |
| Yo mamma is so nasty that she can help stop air pollution by not breathing. |
| If he concentrates on the bottle because it says, "from concentrate!" |
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| Yo mamas so dumb she put a quarter in a parking meter and said "Hey! Wheres my gumball?". |
| Q.What did one sheep call the other sheep who stole his food? A. a ba-a-astard |
| You might be a redneck if your baby stroller consists of a potato sack and a wheelbarrow. |
| Yo mama's so scary, she killed Freddy Krouger in his own dreams. |
| An ant and an elephant got married. After they had sex, the elephant had a heart attack and died. "Crap," the ant said. "Five minutes of passion and now the rest of my life digging a grave." |
| Yo mama is so stupid, when I told her to turn on the tv, she started stripping. |
| What disease frightens ghosts the most? BoOoOo-bonic Plague What's the difference between girl ghosts and boy ghosts? BoOoOo-bies |
| Why didn't the blonde make the gymnastics team? When they asked for a cartwheel, she stole a tire from the hot dog vendor. |
| What was the blonde college student doing at the harbor? Looking for an internship. |
| We have all wished for something, but think about this: Hold out your hands, wish in one, and crap in the other. Which hand do you think will get filled up first? |
| Q> Why did Pepsi hire Michael Jackson to do commercials again? A> Because they wanted someone to suck that little boy back out of the bottle. |
| Q: How does a redneck take a bubble bath? A: He farts in a puddle |
| Q. Why do women fake orgasms? A. Because they think men care! |
| Q: Why are scissors such good dancers? A: Because of their sharp moves. |
| Knock, knock Who's there? Did you ever hear the joke about the broken pencil? Did you ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who? Nevermind, it's pointless. |
| Have you seen the lottery tickets from India? If the spot on your ticket matches the spot on your forehead, you win a 7-11 store. |
| Parent: You two should sing in the talent show together. Tim: When pigs fly! cindy: You fly? |
| Q> What kind of soup do gay Chinese men like? A> Cream of sum yun guy |
| The only thing truly free of charge is a dead battery. |
| Yo momma's credit is so bad,,, The bank wants the their calendar back |
| What can a picnic table do that a musician can't do? Support a family of six! |
| The Lazy Bowl Reclining toilet: It's plush while you flush! |
| If Jack helped you off your horse, later would you return the favor and help Jack off his horse? |
| One day someone knocks on a blonde's door. She asks: "Who is it?" and the person answers: "It's me!" Then the blonde wonders, "Me?!?!?!" |
| Boy: May I hold your hand? Girl: It isn't very heavy. I think I can carry it myself. |
| You want me to write a joke!?!? The world is being attacked by aliens! AWWWWW! A warning; they have huge, hairy jaws and beady little eyes and long mangy hair and a huge nose and foul breath and and... oops. That's just you. |
| What was the elephant doing on the highway? About 5 mph |
| Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? He was caught buttering up his teacher |
| Yo mama is so fat, when she put on a red sweater and went outside all the kids said "Kool-aid man!" |
| A girl walks into a bar and sits down with her friend. She is feeling down, so she talks to her friend. Her friend says "Go get a beer." She says she didn't want one. Then the friend says "Hey, who said it was for you?" copyright fox corp. |
| Yo mama's so ugly, she looks like your dad. |
| Ryan's teeth were so yellow that when he walked outside, the sun said give me my butter. |
| Yo momma was so fat that when she went to do her daily running, her body was moving but she wasn't. |
| Yo momma's so old, I slapped her back and her tits fell off. |
| Your momma's so fat, she uses a matress as a tampon. |
| Sometimes, I get so sleepy that I fall asleep at my keyboa-----hogasvfbhjhfaokL;'GRUHIKMUIHGDFJSJIKkljhvLD ;YWEHKJF,HCsssljga lrsaio.ra;ugsrol,.k,ijhekng0ljr |
| A man's life is difficult to understand, when born he struggles to get out of the vagina and then tries the rest of his life to get in!!! |
| Did you hear about the smart blonde? Neither did I! |
| Yo momma is so fat she used the Grand Canyon as her sidewalk. |
| Yo momma ain't got no hands. And yo dad ain't got no eyes. Yo momma said i'm goona slap the shit out of you. And yo daddy said i'd like to see that. |
| Short naps prevent aging, especially if taken while driving. |
| What are three two letter words for small? Is It In? |
| Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it's biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails. "Great idea, honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box." |
| When you marry, your spouse's family become "in-laws." So, when you divorce, does that make them "outlaws?" |
| Little Johnny: "Hey, Daddy, Spot just ate Mom's apple pie that was on the counter to cool off!" Dad: "Don't worry, son. We'll get you a new dog." |
| Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport. She's getting a little up there. She's at the age where she doesn't remember things too well. So when I saw her I said, "Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!" |
| "So, how did you do?" the boss asked his new salesman after his first day on the road. "All I got were two orders." "What were they? Anything good?" "Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!" |
| A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." |
| If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, set them on fire. |
| Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop. "I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon. "What for?" asked his colleague. "About $17,000." "What did he have?" "Oh... About $17,000." |
| Your mother has something wrong with her brain. After medical examination, the doctor tells her: "Your brain has two parts: one is left, and the other is right. Your left side has nothing right, Your right side has nothing left." |
| Yo Mama's so fat, she doesn't need the Internet - she's already world wide. |
| Redneck Christmas Shopping You know you're a redneck when... you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend and only come back with one gift. |
| A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was serious enough that he decided to change his will. At his lawyer's office, he threw his will on the table and said, "This needs an heircut." |
| Yo Momma so fat, when she walked into a store the beeper went of twice |
| Knock Knock Who's there? Doris Doris who? Door is shut thats why i knocked! |
| Some times when the soap bar in the shower is small enough I like to swipe it thru my butt crack and say " beep! credit card accepted" |
| The landlady asked me if I minded making my own bed. I said I didn't and she said great there's a hammer and nails in the corner. |
| Why didn't the brakes want to work? Because it was time for their lunch break. |
| Upon realizing that we both had the same middle name, I told the blond, "Hey we have the same middle name!" She replied, "Really? What's yours?" |
| I was on vacation in Texas, and was appalled by Dallas' chaotic traffic. I asked the bellhop at the hotel why it was so disorderly and was told, "In some countries they drive on the right, in others on the left. Here we drive in the shade." |
| They have finally started practicing safe sex in Scotland... They now paint red X's on the sheep that kick |
| Yo momma's so fat, when she walks she creates hurricanes. |
| Why did the melon jump into the water? Because it wanted to be a watermelon!!! |
| Why did the penny jump off the cliff and not the quarter? Because the quarter had more cents! |
| If Six is afraid of Seven because Seven ate (Eight) Nine, why did Six soon die? Because Six, Seven ate (Eight) (678) |
| Johnny: "Dad, stop drinking my root beer!!! Do I get free refills?" Dad: "Sure -- I backwashed!" |
| Is that a mirror in your jeans? Because I can see myself in them. |
| What do starving Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common? They are both living off dead Beatles. |
| What do you call a mouth without any teeth?- Grandma |
| If men and women had buttons, a man's button panel would look like... A vacuum - "On" and "Off" switch A woman's panel would look like... An airplane. So many buttons...ahhh...where's the mute?!!! |
| MISSION: GO TO GAP, BUY A PAIR OF PANTS Male Time: 6 min Cost: $33 Mission accomplished? Yes Extra stops: None Female Time: 3 hours 26 min Cost: $876 Mission accomplished? No Extra stops: Macy's, JC Penny, Sears...etc...etc...etc... |
| Chances of a Man Winning an Argument: Dating: 50% Engagement: 25% Marriage Period: 0%, very rare |
| Most people worry about getting AIDS from sex. Bill Clinton worries about getting sex from aides. |
| Did you hear Bill Clinton gave up playing his sax-a-phone? He now plays his whore-monica. |
| Why does Clinton wants a postage stamp issued in his image? So he gets licked more often. |
| Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours? Clinton was showing her the proper way to take "dic"tation. |
| What's the new name for the place where Bill Clinton does his business? The Oral Office. |
| What does Monica Lewinsky have on her resume? "Sat on the Presidential Staff" |
| Why does President Clinton invite so many ladies into his private study? He wants to show them his executive branch. |
| What's Bill Clinton's favorite movie ? Sex lies and video tape |
| What is Bill's definition of safe sex? When Hillary is out of town. |
| How does Clinton divert his attention from the latest controversy? He just keeps on plugging away. |
| Q. What goes clop... clop... clop... BANG! clop clop clop clop clop clop? A. An Amish driveby |
| Why is a blond, Blond? Isn't it obvious? They're dumb. |
| I'm the kind of person who laughs at a joke three times: Once it's told, once it's explained, and 5 minutes later once I get it. |
| This joke's so old, it has mold on it! HA HA HA! |
| It's pretty bad if you start typing "lol" as if it were a sentence (Lol.) Its worse if you start saying, "laugh out loud" in everday conversations. It's absolutely horrible if you actually say, "l-o-l." |
| Not all lawyers are bad. I've seen some graveyards full of good ones! |
| What is a kangaroo's favorite restaurant? IHOP! |
| What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus. |
| Q:After a runner reached the end of a long, gruelling marathon, officials were amazed to see him continue to run. Why did he do this? A:The man was let out of prison for the day to enter the marathon. He kept on running to avoid prison. |
| One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" |
| I hate thongs! I mean, come on, Women don't need to floss their butts. |
| War not determine who right, war determine who left. |
| What is the name of a naked woman lying between two naked men? Sharin Peters |
| Knock-knock Who's there? Stew Stew who? Stew cold out here, let me in! |
| IF I LOST A DOLLAR FOR EVERY BRAIN YOU HAVE, I WOULD BE IN DEBT |
| Which animals eat with their ears? All of them, since no animal takes its ears off to eat! |
| here is a link to the joke http://miamistreetracing.com/forum/v...d.php?tid=2385 |
| Yo Mamma is so fat she never wakes up on the wrong side of the bed; she wakes up on EVERY side of the bed! |
| The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!" |
| Found on Roadside Dead Fucked Over Re-built Dodge |
| Yo Momma jokes are so stupid, I barf everytime I see one! |
| What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets. |
| Normal people believe that "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that "If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet" |
| Old photographers never die, they just go out of focus! |
| Why didn't the blonde go on the amusement park ride? Because he was too tall. |
| Yo Mamma so stupid, she wanted to go on a roller coaster and looked at the height, and she was too tall. |
| Knock-knock GO AWAY!!! WE DON'T WANT ANY!!! |
| Don't think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a really pretty monkey. |
| Why was everyone at the fancy King Crab Night Diner arrested? They were breaking the claw! So punny! |
| What's the quickest way to a woman's heart? Through her left breast. |
| What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with? A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush! |
| Q: What's a Polar Bear's favorite cereal? A: Ice Krispies |
| Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got fine written all over you!!! |
| What do a circus and congress have in common? They are both full of CLOWNS |
| Yo Momma so scary, she scares Michael Jackson! |
| What's the best way to talk to a shark? Long distance! |
| Yo mama is so nasty she's got to pour sand down her pants to keep the crabs happy! |
| What did Dick Cheney say before he shot his hunting companion? Ready, Fire, Aim! |
| What do you call an intelligent, good looking man? A: A rumor! |
| Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy |
| Knock-Knock? Who's There? Ice Cream. Ice Cream who? I scream for Ice Cream!! |
| Q: Where do spiders go to learn new words? A: WEB-sters dictionary!! |
| Why did the poor dog chase his tail? He was trying to make ends meet! |
| Ever walk into a room and forget what you came in for? Well, that's probably how dogs spend most of their lives... |
| Yo Momma's like a cell phone: Free on nights and weekends! |
| yo mamma is like a shot gun: One cock and shes ready to blow!! |
| George Bush to friend: Sorry I forgot your birthday. Dick Cheney forgot to put it on my to-do list. |
| Boys are like public toilets; they're either taken, or full of crap. (no offense to you boys) |
| Q: Why isn't there a pro football team in Flint, Michigan? A: Because then Detroit would want one too! |
| Yo momma's so stupid and so fat that when she stepped on the scale and saw three 7s, she thought she won the jackpot. |
| Yo momma is so dumb when she got locked in the matress king she slept on the floor |
| your daddies so old, i slapped his butt and his balls fell off |
| SAY IT REALLY FAST SAY*PINK CHEESE GREEN GHOST* FAST IF UR A TRUE LATINO YOULL GET WAT THIS MEANS |
| why are black people so good at basket ball? because they can Run, shoot and steal. |
| Yo Momma is so fat she uses a rocket ship as a dildo. |
| You might be redneck if you've totaled every car you've owned. |
| You might be a redneck if you answer to more than one nickname. |
| You might be a redneck if you have orange road cones in your living room! |
| You might be a redneck if your toenail clippers say craftsman on the side! |
| You might be a redneck if you've never stayed in a hotel without stealing something |
| You might be a redneck if you've ever videotaped a dog loving on someone's leg. |
| Why did the squirrel cross the road? Because it was NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
| There was a blind guy, walking down the street. He passes a fish market, smells the fish and says," Good morning ladies." |
| What amimal walks with its feet on its head? a flea. |
| Why did the rooster cross the road? To fuck the chicken. |
| Why did the elephant cross the road? Because the chiken retired. |
| Yo momma is so stupid, she sat on the tv and watched the couch. |
| Yo momma is so fat she was runing in the street with a yellow raincoat and the kids thougth they mised the bus. |
| Why does Tigger smell so bad? Cause he's always hanging out with Pooh. |
| Once i bought a squirrel and I named it Melinda, and then I gave it food and then it died! Now I have a box named Joice Ann and I gave it some water and it fell down and then it died! |
| Why does a man wear two pairs of pants when he goes golfing? He might get a hole in one! |
| Why do people say "This is the first day of the rest of your life"? Isn't that true about everyday unless you die that day? |
| Boys are like diapers.... Always on my ass and full of shit. |
| what do you get when you cross a LAWYER and a LIBRARIAN? All the information you want, but you can't understand it! |
| Once I like bought a fox and I like named him Jorge and like he died and I cried so I bought shoes. |
| when your mom whent to China people would say "Run it's Godzilla!" |
| yo momma is so fat when she hugs people they get lost! |
| Q: What do you say when you see a group full of black people? A: Where is the cream filling? |
| Why do alot of people go to black peoples yard sales? A:To get there stuff back. |
| Yo momma is so stupid she got locked up in the bathroom and she peed in her pants!! |
| Yo Momma's so fat, when she went in a hot air balloon there was a solar eclipse! |
| You know you're a redneck if your fence doubles as your clothesline |
| You know you're a redneck if you have season tickets for the tractor pull. |
| You know you're a redneck if you would rather your son have his own hunting show than become a doctor. |
| You know you're a redneck if a city night on the town includes city jail. |
| You know you're a redneck if your bathroom towels are also your bathroom curtains. |
| You may be a redneck if your burglar alarm is a vacuum cleaner plugged into a motion detector. |
| You might be a redneck if you've ever watched a tornado from a lawn chair. |
| You know you're a redneck if you paint your garage with a paintball gun. |
| You might be a redneck if you've ever been fired for shooting spitballs. |
| What do you call a black guy and a white guy having sex? mixed nuts. |
| What do you call a nun's urine? Virgin Lemonade |
| Yo momma's so fat, she makes the sun look like a pebble! |
| Yo momma's so nasty, when she burped she started a nuclear war! |
| How are opera singers and sailors alike? They both have to handle the high seas(Cs)! |
| A plane was flying from New York to Canada. The plane crashes right on the border line. Where do you burry the survivors? They don't because they are survivors, therefor they never died. |
| Yo Momma so fat, she filled up the tub before she put the water in it. |
| WARNING: Racial insult to a black person. Why could a black person never get oral sex? Because the black person would taste like horribly burned food. |
| A little boy was in a bookstore with his dad. They were browsing for books when the little kid said,"You know American Idol?" His dad said, "Yeah." The kid then said, "If they win, they'll become poptarts!" |
| Q: What device lets you see through a wall? A: Window |
| You might be a redneck if you stare at the orange juice container because it says concentrate on it! |
| Yo momma's so fat, when she wore a blue rain coat people said, "Let's go swim in the ocean!" |
| You might be a redneck if you ride the electric floorbuffer and mistake it for your wife!! |
| You might be a redneck if you wear a tube top to a funeral! |
| You might think that some guys are hot. Their boyfriends think that, too! |
| Chuck Norris is.... ...stupid. |
| Q: What do you call an arctic animal shaped like a tooth? A: A molar bear! |
| Not Funny |
| Question: What did the frog order at McDonald's? Answer: An order of french flies and a diet croak!! |
| There once was a man from Perdition Who knew his way around a kitchen His wife was good lookin' The kids loved his cookin' But his mother-in-law kept on bitchin' |
| A man walks into a bar. He falls down, unconscious. Why is this? Because the man walked into a solid bar. A solid, metal bar! |
| What happens when you give a politician viagra? He gets taller. |
| What happens to a scone when you have eaten it? It's scone. |
| Yo Momma's so dumb she studied for a urine test!! |
| Yo momma's so ugly, yo daddy had eye surgery TO REMOVE HIS SIGHT! |
| Where is the safest place to hide money from a redneck? In his work boots! How can you tell a redneck has been in your backyard? Your bike is gone and the dog is pregnant!! |
| Q: How many newfies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 2 one to hold the light bulb and 1 to spin him round and round. |
| Q: How many Newfie farmers does it take to milk a cow? A: 5...One to hold the utter and four to lift the cow up and down, up and down. |
| How do you confuse a redneck Ask him a question that is not about NASCAR. |
| My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied!! |
| Frankienstien was out on a rainy day and he saw a very ugly guy. "Lookin' good!" he said to him. Later he saw a super model he said, "So, how'd you get to be a mutant?" |
| A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter." |
| A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home." |
| A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around." |
| My son is proof that anyone can be successful enough to drive a BMW or Mercedes. And besides, he looks so cute in his valet parking attendant uniform. |
| An elementary school teacher asked her students to write a truthful report on what they would do if they had a million dollars. There was only one student who recieved an A, and the rest failed for lying. This was the paper with the A: Johnny ... |
| Why did the french dog look in the toilet? Wee wee |
| You Might be a Redneck If you take your family to K-Mart to see a movie. |
| Today, if you meet someone from France, they will say, "Bonjour, Je suis de la France." This is what they would say if America knew France wasn't going to pay us back for helping them. "Hallo, bin ich von Frankreich." |
| Q: Why were the British fighting us in the war of 1812? A: Because they were done beating up the French, and they needed someone new to pick on. |
| What do scientists use to freshen their breath? Experi-mints |
| What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks |
| You might be a redneck if your kids are named after the car they were made in. |
| One day a three legged dog walked into a bar. He said, "I'm looking for the guy that shot my paw." |
| Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. "I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition." "Batted .007," his wife added. |
| Yo momma is like a radio station, everyone can turn her on. |
| What do you get if you cross a rhino and and elephant? Elepf-ino (pronounced "Hell if I know") |
| I once asked a foreign person if i could bang on his drum, he told me, "You can't bang on my drum, but you can bang on my bum!" -If this ever happens to you, run! |
| There is an old story about the data centre of the future. This data centre runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog. The man's job is to feed the dog. The dog's job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer. |
| You might be a redneck if your limo at your wedding was a tractor and trailer. |
| You might be a redneck if your honeymoon was at the family farm. |
| The king had a powerful army. He reined for 7 years before clearing the clouds!!! |
| My computer is so old, it has a VHS slot instead of a CD/DVD slot!!! |
| You might be a redneck if... ...your porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs. ...you see your family reunion as a way to meet girls. ...you marry three times and still have the same in-laws. |
| How can you tell the difference between a violin and a fiddle? Look at the audience! |
| Once there was a guy who liked cheese. |
| I like hippos 'cause they're fat and don't care what other hippos think. |
| Blonds are so dumb. I'm lucky my hair is yellow. |
| Yo momma is so fat, she stepped on a peanut and she made peanut butter. |
| Yo momma is so stupid, she's stupid. |
| What did the robot say to the centipede? Stop being a centipede!!!................................ its funny cause the robot doesnt have any legs |
| A boy asked to his girl friends: What does a gay cow eat? all of his friends failed to answer. Then he stood up, and with a gay-est falsetto voice he said: Haaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy!!! |
| Did you here about the giant with a nosebleed? It was all over town |
| You might be a redneck if your dog is in your bed more than your wife. |
| Knock-knock Who's there? Kook Kook who? Hey, who you calling cukoo mister? |
| Why does a cock always close his eyes when he's crowing? Because he already knows the text!! |
| What is the similarity between Einstein and Newton? Neither of them ever had a mobile phone! |
| Why do pigs STINK? Because they have four armpits.. |
| What door cannot be pushed, even by 10 people simultaneously? The door that says: PULL |
| TEACHER : There is a frog, ship is sinking, potatoes cost $10/kg, then what is my age? STUDENT : 32 yrs! TEACHER : How do you know? STUDENT : Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad. |
| You fart and you are proud of the smell |
| Make sure you are in a public place with a lot of people around. Sniff the air a couple of times (make sure it is loud sniffs). Turn to you wife and say in a loud voice "Hey honey did you fart?!". |
| Yo momma is so uncoordinated she couldn't hit water if she fell out of a boat. |
| Yo mommas is so fat it takes a twinky and a tub of butter to get her through the door. |
| Q: What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls? A: Sparky! |
| A blind guy, a deaf guy, and an armless guy were in a cave. All of a sudden, a blind guy said he heard something, the deaf guy said he saw something, and the armless guy said "Let's kick his ass!" |
| Question: How long is a minute? Answer: That depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on!! |
| What do snakes use for birth control? An Anacondom! |
| Boy: Is your dad a baker? Girl: No. Why? Boy: Cause you're a cutie pie!! |
| Yo Momma's just like a bus. They're big, smelly, and you can ride it for a buck. |
| Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear?" It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root? |
| Two Potatoes are standing on a street corner. How do you know which one is a hooker? It's the one stamped I-da-Ho (Idaho potato) |
| yo momma's so fat, her blood type is rocky road. |
| Procrastinators meeting tomorrow. |
| Yo mamma's so fat, when she went to the zoo elephants called her mom. |
| A guy goes to work and kills everyone...what is this called...? Going Postal... |
| I AM WRITING IN CAPITAL LETTERS BECAUSE IT MAKES IT SEEM LIKE I AM YELLING IN YOUR HEAD AND I LIKE THE IDEA OF YELLING IN YOUR HEAD. IT MAKES ME FEEL POWERFUL!!! |
| Is your dad a baker? Because those buns are lookin' good! I lost my phone number, can I have yours? |
| "Rusty Bed Spings" by I.P Nitely "Fell off a Cliff" By Ilene Dover "Bounce of a Brick Wall" by Rick O'Shey "Mini Skirts" by Seymour Buttz "Race to the Outhouse" By Willie Makit" and last but not least "Guide to One Night Stands" by Juan Teboneya" |
| Knock-knock! Who's there? Irish! Irish who? Irish I could think of a better joke! |
| You might be a redneck if you've ever bought a birthday present out of a vending machine. |
| You are a legal heir to a fireworks stand. |
| Local cops know you by your nickname. |
| You get homesick watching cops on TV. |
| Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass. |
| Your parrot can say, "Open up, it's the police!" |
| You used a cheat sheet during your hunter's safety test. |
| Your current wife was a bridesmaid at your first wedding. |
| I don't get why we teach little kids the popular saying "Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye." And we wonder what is with all the violence? I mean come on that's like 100% emo. |
| As an insult you could say "You know, most of you weight comes from all that make-up your wearing!" |
| Here are two pick up lines: "Are you a Abercrombie model? Your not?!?!? You so should be!!" or "My friend (insert friend name here) thinks we should go out. Wanna?" |
| Birdie Birdie in the sky, Dropped some white stuff in my eye. I'm a big girl, I won't cry. I'm just glad that cows don't fly! |
| I sprayed my dog with spot remover. Now he is gone. |
| Jack and Jill went up the hill each with a buck and a quarter Jill came down with $2.50. They didn't go up for water! |
| There was a man who went to buy some guns. The salesman at the store asked what he wanted to shoot. He said, "Cans" So the salesman asked, "What kind of cans?" "Ameri-cans, Afri-cans,,,," |
| How many jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't worry about the changes, we'll fake it! Note: In jazz, the chord changes are what dictates the improvisation of the music. |
| "Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew. "I know," replied the uncle. |
| A huge black man entered in a bar with a huge and colorful parrot on his shoulder. The bartender was amazed, so he asked "Where did you get that thing?" Then the parrot said, "Well they're walking all over Africa..." |
| Q - Why do women have nipples? A - Because, if they didn't, boobs would be pointless |
| Yo Momma is so fat she farted and caused global warming |
| You might be a redneck if for your prom you wore a strapless dress but wore a bra that wasn't. |
| One time, my teacher said to dump our Math books. Then she said to get your Social Studies book. Then that became history. |
| A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis." |
| I'm so old, I woke up the other morning and thought I had an erection. I was really happy until I realized it was just a leg cramp! |
| Once I asked a guy, " Do you love me, or is that a banana in your pocket?" |
| You might be a redneck if you think cauliflower is a phone dating service for flowers. |
| You've tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up. You name your car the General Lee. You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it. |
| I always wondered why there are so many blond jokes,but no brunettes. I asked a brunette friend of mine. "Why do you think there are no brunette jokes?" I asked her. "Well,that's a given. Blonds are too stupid to make them up." |
| Knock,knock! Who's there? King! King who? King Kong is now part of China. |
| Why is a circle so hot???? Because it's 360 degrees!!! |
| Patient:"Doctor,my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages." Psychiatrist: "Rubbish! I like sausages too." Patient: Good,you should come and see my collection. I've got hundreds." |
| Doctor: "Does it hurt when you do this?" Patient: "Yes" Doctor: "Well, you shouldn't do it then." |
| Knock Knock! Who's there? A chu. A chu who? Bless you! |
| Why wasn't the giraffe invited to the party? He was a pain in the neck to talk to. |
| If you name your kids after dead family pets you just might be a redneck! |
| It is amazing how politicians can fit all their good points in a 30 second TV commercial. |
| Only in America can a poor black boy turn into a rich white woman... (Michael Jackson) |
| Only in America can a President have relations in the oral office |
| If you met your wife on a hunting trip you just might be a redneck. |
| Yo momma is so poor, that when I went to her house, a roach tripped me and a rat took my wallet. |
| Yo momma is so fat, that when she fell in love , people wern't laughing but the floor was cracking up!!! |
| If you have more pets than relatives you just might be a redneck. |
| Q - Why is there a big "E" on top of the standard eye chart at the optometrist's office? A - The reason is if there was a big "O" on the chart women would lie about seeing it. |
| Q - What do barbed wire and a thong have in common? A - Both protect the property, but neither obstruct the view. |
| Why do men pick their noses while driving? Because their butts are too hard to reach! |
| When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team. |
| Ralph's father said, "Let me see your report card." Ralph replied, "I don't have it." "Why not?" His father asked. "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents." |
| Phillip's teacher asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?" Phillip, always fast with an answer, pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named." |
| Mary had a little lamb! The doctor fainted! |
| Q :whats the best thing about children? A :making them!! |
| A blonde got an invitation to a party which said "Wear brown tie only!" After going to the party, she noticed that they were wearing pants and shirts also! |
| Yo momma is so old, that she cooked the last supper! |
| Yo Momma is so ugly that even Ripley's couldn't believe it! |
| Knock knock. Who's there? You! You who? What are you so happy about? |
| A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach. The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder." |
| Like I said before, I never repeat myself. |
| A man comes home after a party drunk. When he interrogates his wife about who she is, she replies, "I'm your wife! Did you forget me?" The man says, "Sorry, drinking makes me forget my pain." |
| I'm so bad my imaginary friend left me. |
| Why did the piece of gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot! |
| Do you know why there are no Wal-Marts in Iraq? Because there are so many Targets. |
| A Director said to the actress: "You have to jump from 100 feet into a swimming pool." Actress: "But I dont know how to swim." Director: "I know, that's why I removed all the water from the swimming pool." |
| Q: How can you find a blonde in a submarine? A: Simple, she would be the only one with a parachute on! |
| GOOD JOKE: A blonde. BETTER JOKE: A blonde playing chess. BEST JOKE: The blonde wins the game. |
| Q: What did the blonde say after seeing the banana on the ground? A: Oh, I'm gonna slip again!! |
| A man asked a woman,"Will you marry me?" The woman replied,"No." They both lived happily ever after! |
| you've ever called the towtruck on yourself because you couldn't afford gas. |
| What 3 words are in the name Amanda? A, man, DUH!! |
| You might be a redneck if you wore a jumper to your prom. |
| You might be a redneck if your swimsuit is your bra and underwear. |
| Umm...why is this category called "blond" when really it's spelled "blonde"?? |
| The 1st blonde says-"I hate you!I never want to see you again." The smarted 2nd twin says-"You idiot!Then don't look in the mirror!" The 1st says-"Why can't I look in the mirror?" The 2nd says-"Because we're twins and we look exactly the same!" |
| Q: What is orange, red, and lies in the grass? A: A wounded cheesie! |
| Why was the baby ant afraid of his uncles? Because his uncles were all ants! |
| One day Socrates is walking down the road and sees his old friend Uripedes carrying a pair of pants. Socrates says "Hi, Uripedes" Uripidees says "I sure did, Usodes?" |
| 1: Fatten every one around you to make them look bigger. You'll look thinner 2: If no-one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 3: Drink a diet soda with your candy bar. They'll cancel each other out. 4: Life's short, eat dessert first. |
| How do you say constipated in German? farfrompoopin |
| Yo momma so stupid she brought the jigsaw puzzle back to the store because she thought it was broken! |
| There was a child named Laura. She asked her mom what the hardest report she ever had to do was. Her mom said, "It was to write an essay on the belly of a frog." Laura said, "Wow!!How did you get the frog in to the typewriter?" |
| Once,there was a teacher and a girl named Wendy.The teacher asked for Wendy to say a sentence starting with the word I. So wendy started to say I is....Then the teacher said, "No Wendy, it is I am." So Wendy said, "I am the ninth letter if the alphabet." |
| Matt: I bet you can't spell "I cup." Sarah: I C-U-P Matt: Eww! You see me pee! |
| Why did the husband ask the wife before they were married to find her own friends for life? Because like most marriages he knows they will hate each other one day and she will need help from her friends or she commit suicide. |
| If you were a boy and your parents named you dick. Wouldn't you be embarassed and change your name officially? |
| Now I lay me down to sleep With the boy across the street Won't my mommy be surprised When my tummy starts to rise Won't my daddy be disgusted When he finds my cherry's busted. |
| A boy go to a girls house and notice her home is very messy and full of paper and clay pot and clothing all over. The boy tell her he bring some pot to her and she answer there is clay pot all over home. |
| Yo Momma is so dumb everytime she hears a car horn she yells "Happy New Year!" |
| Yo Momma's so fat they show IMAX movies on her butt! |
| What do you call 2 lesbians in a cupboard? A: A liquor cabinet! |
| Why is marriage so much like a tornado? At first there is a lot of huffing and blowing, in the end someone loses their house. |
| Did you hear about the blonde who ran for president? She got tired after 2 miles and dropped out of the running. |
| Why did the kid like the bowl of carrots and peas? Because he could eat every carrot and pea in the bowl. |
| If a guy is a "chick magnet", and opposites attract, doesn't that make him gay? |
| You momma is so stupid, she went to the Clippers game to get a haircut! |
| A blond in a mathematics test encountered this problem Find X This was her answer i i \ i \ 14.6578i \ i \ X________ Here it is i \ i \ i \ i \ i_________\ 12.76 |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_22.txt |
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| @@ -0,0 +1,601 @@ |
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| Amy: Yesterday I saw a man in the mall with very long arms. Every time he went up the stairs he would step on them. Bob: Wow... He stepped on his arms? Amy: No. On the STAIRS! |
| Question: If the world was a jacket where would the people from the ghetto go? Answer:In da Hood! |
| You Might Be a Redneck if you have a pond full of gasoline and a car wreck in the bottom of it. |
| Why don't niggers like dirt bikes? Because when it starts, it says: "Run nigga nigga run." |
| Go to this website ... I know some people might say that this isn't a joke, but it's really funny if you go to the website. Trust me. http://www.dr-joe.net/quiz.html It doesn't have any viruses. |
| Go to this website ... I know some people might say that this isn't a joke, but it's really funny if you go to the website. Trust me. It doesn't have any viruses. http://home.comcast.net/~wolfand/ |
| A smart blonde, a leprachaun and a fairy were in an elevator together talking about something, but whatever they were talking about was not true because there is no such thing as a leprechaun or a fairy or a smart blonde. |
| Mom: How did you do on your history test? Kid: Not good. Mom: Why? Kid: They asked me things that happened before I was born! |
| Why don't elephants smoke? Their butts don't fit in the ash tray |
| Q: Why did the condom fly across the room A: It was pissed off!! |
| What does a horny ghost say to scare people? BOO...BS! |
| What's the difference between a wife and a prostitute? Prostitute is cheaper! |
| I am sure everyone has heard the saying "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Well, I have improved on this saying so that it applies to my life, and here it is. "If it ain't broke, it ain't ours!" |
| Yo momma is so fat, she joined MySpace and there was no room for anyone else. Yo momma is so fat, she tried uploading her picture to a computer, but the C: Drive filled up. |
| On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said, "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied, "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!" |
| You're so covered in dirt that if you wanted to eat a tootsie roll, you'd have to wear white gloves to keep from biting your finger! |
| 1. A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless you're a diabetic!!!!! 2. People who live in glass houses should have sex in their basements!!! |
| Boy(howling): A crab just bit my toe! Father: Which one? Boy: How should I know?!?!?! All crabs look alike to me!! |
| 'How long will the next bus be?' 'About eighteen feet.' |
| Teacher: Can you name four animals of the cat family? Mary:Mother cat,Father cat,and two kittens. |
| Doctor: Mrs Smith, you have acute angina. Mrs. Smith: I came here to be examined, not admired. |
| Teacher: If you found five pence in one pocket and ten pence in the other,what would you have? Willy: Somebody else's trousers. |
| Jesus walks into an inn puts 3 nails on the counter and asks, "Can you put me up for the night?" |
| What kind of triangle is never wrong??? A right triangle!!!!!!! |
| What kind of trouble does a five foot man have??? Five feet!!! |
| Yo Momma's so fat she's fatter than you |
| Q: What is a cat's favorite game? A: Go Fish! |
| Yo momma is so dark, she's not afraid of the dark, the dark is afraid of her. |
| Yo mama is so stupid, on Halloween she looked ouside the window and said, "Oh, no!" and called the Ghost Busters. |
| Your momma is so fat, your dad rolled on her and never came off. |
| Yo Momma is so fat, the only reason she wanted to go to space was to taste the Milky Way. |
| Where do fish keep their money? In a riverbank! |
| What do you call a a bunch of fish swimming in the sky?? A High School!!! |
| Yo momma so fat and stupid that I told her to show me a pushup and she brought me one from the Ice Cream Man. |
| Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the middle ages as the dark ages? Betty: Because they had so many knights. |
| Q: When is a black dog not a black dog? A: When its a grey hound. |
| Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears? No, how was that? He had a right ear,a left ear,and a wild frontier. |
| Where do the monsters go when they lose a hand? To the second-hand shop. |
| What is the difference between unlawful and illegal? Unlawful is against the law. Illegal is a sick bird. |
| Farmer: This is a dogwood tree. Cityman: How can you tell? Farmer: By its bark |
| Knock, knock. Who's there? Isabel. Isabel who? Is-a-bel ringing? I thought I heard one. |
| Yo mama so fat, when she breast-fed you, you drank bacon grease. |
| What did Puffy say when Ben asked him about J-LO ? "Take that, take that" |
| How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Wizards don't use lightbulbs! |
| What math term tells what acorns say when they are a tree??? Geometry!! (Geo-m-e-try) (Gee I'm a tree) |
| Your dad is Santa Claus and your mom is A HO HO HO! |
| -Knock Knock! -Who's there? -You know. -You know who? -Thats right, avada kedavra! |
| I love it when you go down on me... you relieve so much tension and stress... but when you're making me feel really good, you come back up... Stupid gas prices... |
| The other day I went to a zoo, but the only animal there was a dog. It was a shihtzu. |
| Yo momma's so fat she should get cingular on her stomach so she can get rollover minutes. |
| Paddy:- "Hello, is that 77 77 77? Can you call 911, my finger is stuck in the 7" |
| Why should you have only one egg for breakfast? Because un oeuf is enough! |
| Joe: Do you know the difference between a chicken and lettuce? Jill: No. Joe: Remind me not to send you to the supermarket! |
| Buck Fush |
| I don't believe in reincarnation, which is strange, because in a previous existence, I did. |
| You used to have two brains. One you lost a long time ago, and the other one went looking for it! |
| Yo Momma's so poor she had to save up to pay attention! |
| Q: how many men does it take to screw in a light bulb A: 3, one to screw in the light bulb an 2 to listen to him brag about the "srewing" part |
| Teacher: Whats usually used as the conductor of electricity? Orville: Why-er.... Teacher: Correct, wire. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power? Orville: The what? Teacher: That's absolutely right, the watt. |
| Teacher: Oscar, if you had five pieces of candy, and Joey asked for one, how many would you have left? Oscar: Five. |
| Teacher: If you stood with your back to the north and faced due south, what would be on your left hand? Lisa: Fingers |
| Waiter, why is my food all mushed up? -Well, you did ask me to step on it. Waiter, these eggs are bad. -Don't blame me. I only laid the table. Waiter, is there soup on my menu? -No, I wiped it off. |
| Whats faster than a speeding bullet, more powerfull than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings and has a carpark? Super market |
| There is a very simple way to explain the theory of mind over matter. Once you lose you mind, nothing matters. |
| Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man with face in toilet is shit faced. Man who fools around with neighbour's wife at wrong time of month get caught red handed. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. |
| How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler! |
| A complex is a phobia. A complex is a large building. A complex is another word for complicated. So if you have a phobia about complicated large buildings, you might be said to have a complex complex complex. |
| Billy: i know a person who is 35 and still in 4th grade! Eddie: Really! who? Billy: My teacher! |
| It must suck being a penis because- 1. Your best friends are nuts 2. Your closest neighbour is an asshole 3. You vomit when you're excited 4. Your owner abuses you And if you're in the mood- 5. You work double-duty on Tuesday. |
| What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall? Dam! |
| yo mamma is so thin when she turns sidways she dissapears |
| How do the chinese get their names? Their parents kick a can down the street... ching chang chung bing.... |
| What do you say to a blonde who looks stupid in her ear muffs? Anything you want! She cant hear you! P.S. no offence to blondes! |
| What did the fish say when he crashed into a wooden wall? Beaver damn! |
| What do you do if you find your old man staggering around the backyard? Shoot him again!!! |
| Your face is so ugly, we're going to war over it. |
| Q: What's a pick up line in a gay bar?? A: Would you like me to push your stool in? |
| Your face is so oily, we're going to war over it. |
| your mom is like paris hilton ... a dirty whore |
| Why didn't the chicken cross the road? To prove he was chicken! |
| Yo momma is so poor, when I went to her house to use the bathroom, she told me to pick a corner. |
| Your floor is so dirty, I stepped inside and said "Nice carpet." You said, "Man, those are cockroaches!" |
| One time I went school shopping... AND BOUGHT THREE SCHOOLS!!! |
| Yo momma is so cheap, she went to McDonalds and put a hamburger on lay-away. |
| Yo momma's breath smells so bad, her teeth packed up and left. |
| If you work without a shirt on, and so does your husband, you might be a redneck. |
| one of my friends was in trouble because he had sex with his teacher, but the bad part is he's home schooled |
| Yo momma is so stupid, she jumped out the window and fell up. |
| Yo momma is so fat, I got stuck in her shadow. |
| Bloke stayed up all night, wondering where the sun had gone; then it dawned on him. |
| Q:How many egotists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A:Just one. He holds up the lightbulb while the rest of the world revolves around him. |
| My home town is so small, we have part-time village idiot. |
| Yo momma is like a lollipop, she is round and has been licked by everyone |
| Yo momma is so stupid, she thought Fruit Punch was a gay boxer |
| Yo Momma is so dumb, she was on her way to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left" so she turned around and went home |
| Yo Momma is so stupid, she has a peep hole in the glass door! |
| Yo momma is so short, she stepped in a puddle and drowned. |
| Yo momma is so poor, she has never seen 50 cent--and ! ain't talkin about the rapper! |
| Yo momma is so poor, she reuses her toilet paper. |
| Yo momma is so fat, on her drivers' license it says, "picture continued onto other side." |
| Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14." |
| Yo momma is so stupid, she thinks N*SYNC is where the dirty dishes are put. |
| Yo momma is so hunchbacked, she has to wear safety goggles when she pees. |
| Yo momma is so fat, she wore an X-Files T-shirt and a helicopter landed on her. |
| Yo momma is so stupid, she got fired from an M&M factory for throwing away all the W's. |
| Yo momma is so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! |
| Yo momma is so fat, she fell over trying to rock herself to sleep and couldn't get back up. |
| Yo Momma is so ugly, she had to trick-or-treat over the phone. |
| Yo momma so dumb she asked for a price check at the .99 cent store! |
| What do you call a lonely fisherman? A Master-Baiter |
| Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. |
| Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A: A collie-flower! |
| Teacher: I hope I didn't see you copying the test from your friend. Student: I hope you didn't either |
| What do you call an elephant chasing a cat? Depends on what his name is..... |
| Jr: This year I failed every class except biology. Mary: How did you do that? Jr: Easy, I didn't take biology |
| Q: What did one arithmetic book say to the other? A: I have a lot of problems. |
| I heard some guys talking about you yesterday. One said that you weren't fit to sleep with pigs, but I stuck up for you; I said you were! |
| What's green and turns red at the touch of a button? A frog in a liquidizer! |
| Money may not grow on trees, but it would seem as if morons like you certainly do. |
| How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Pour petrol on him and set him on fire, and he'll go "WOOF"! |
| Your Mom's so old that she was alive when the Raiders had both eyes. |
| Life is like a dick... when it gets hard fuck it! |
| Many of the trees and rainforests are being cut down. So in effort the B.H.O.A. made a slogan, Save a tree Burn a bush Bush as in former president |
| Yo momma is so fat, it takes 20 navy ships just to get her half way across the ocean, and they run out of gas. Then she farts and goes around the world 2 times. |
| In this age of political correctness we must reajust our terms. People are no longer concidered gay, here are two better options: Good: A wanabe transvestite Best: Heterosexually challenged. |
| Yo momma so skinny, when it's pouring outside, she can dodge the raindrops |
| Yo Momma's so stupid she went to McDonalds and thought she could buy the whole menu for a $ |
| Yo mama is so fat, when God said let there be light, he asked your mom to move over. |
| There once was a man from Rangoon Whose farts could be heard on the moon; When you'd least expect 'em They'd burst from his rectum With the force of a raging typhoon!! |
| Yo momma is so ghetto, both she and her dog have weave. |
| 101 Hot 'n' Spicy Meals by Tung Payne |
| A fortune teller escaped from prison and became a small medium at large. |
| Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A-flat minor. |
| Yo momma is such a whore... She gets more ass than a toilet seat! |
| What is green and yellow and eats nuts? GONORRHEA |
| Yo Momma so fat, when she fell on the ground, I tried not to laugh, but the ground was cracking up! |
| Yo Momma so hairy, she got afros around her nipples! |
| Never have lunch with a chess player - I did once; there was a checkered tablecloth, and it took him half an hour to pass me the salt. |
| Grey hair is hereditary - you get it from your kids. |
| Your Momma is so poor, when i picked up a penny she said "You owe me my paycheck." |
| Yo momma so old, when she was a kid the rainbows were black and white. |
| What's the difference between a sock and a camera? One takes five toes and one takes photos. |
| My wife is so house-proud, we live next door. |
| In a recent survey, 4% of men preferred fat legs; 6% preferred skinny legs; while 90% preferred something in between. |
| E.T phone home! That must be one hell of a phone bill |
| How can you tell if a mathematician is an extrovert? He looks at *your* shoes when he talks to you. |
| Look at those ears! You have so much wax, that if I stuck a wick in there you would sing "Happy Birthday!" |
| What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur? Dyouthinkhesaurus |
| Guy goes into a drug store and asks for deodorant. Assistant says, "Aerosol or ball-type?" to which he replies, "Neither, it's for under my arms." |
| Toothbrush: "I have the dirtiest job in the world" Toilet Paper: "Yeah...right" |
| Knock, knock Who's there? Some. Some who? Some asshole telling you knock, knock jokes. |
| There once was a man from Nantucket, Whose cock was so long he could suck it, Said he with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it! |
| There once was a girl from Darjeeling, Who could dance with exquisite feeling, There wasn't a sound For miles around, Except fly buttons hitting the ceiling! |
| I lent a friend of mine $5000 for plastic surgery. I can't get it back, because now I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE! |
| Yo momma so fat, they took her x-ray and a picture of a McDonald's showed up on the screen. |
| What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when he hits your windshield? His asshole! |
| Yo momma so fat, the little boy from THE SIXTH SENSE walked up to her and said "Let me tell you my secret now...I see YOU...everywhere" |
| If I were to be pun-ish-ed For every little pun I shed I'd hide me to a punny shed And there I'd hang my punnish head. |
| (to be read aloud) 'Twas in a restaurant they met Romeo and Juliet But Romeo couldn't pay the bill So Romee-owed what Julie ate ("ett"). |
| The masked and armed man entered the bank. "Nobody move, or you're geography!" shouts the bandit. One of the tellers says, "Don't you mean 'history'?" "Don't change the subject!" |
| Why do black people wear hats with such big bills? So birds don't shit on their lips |
| Yo Momma so fat you were born in the middle of the ocean! |
| Yo Momma's so big, the Apollo 13 crashed into her head, right before it landed on the moon! Maybe that explains why she's so stupid. |
| Jt/xmktp?akhjgp/uqpuRujgrt/pvP/tq/tkHqtjhqtjb!)<(]{,twmjtwmjtwmkadnjgptkgptjafmjipV9mkBRiECl88888888888888888888888888888888888888887777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777777I won at the slots! modge???? i m ?!?! bubbye *cheffy!= |
| Yo Momma is so fat, that she goes to the zoo to see the elephants and they feed her! |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!!! |
| yo momma so fat that people call her fat |
| Yo momma so fat she has her own gravitational pull!!! |
| Money can't buy everything... but then again, neither can no money. |
| Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense. "They should not put up such misleading notices," said Joe. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE." |
| gun(which shoots bees) |
| Our house, in the middle of my feet, Our house, which smells of cheesy feet, Our house, will always get defeat, Our house, will never eat those feet. That was a song I made up ha!!!!!! ha!!!!!! ha!!!!!! ha!!!!!!! |
| Yo momma so fat, she saw a Snickers commercial on TV...it said "Hungry? Why wait?"...so she ate the TV. |
| Legs is the word - spread the word. |
| Yo momma so fat she walked in front of the T.V and your dad missed the whole series of "Lost" |
| Yo momma so fat you can roll over twice and still be on the bitch |
| Yo momma so fat she jumped of the Golden Gate bridge in San Fransisco and baptised England. |
| Marigold, I'm sorry. I hacked into xizle's account 'cause I'm a stupid mother fuckin' piece of shit!! |
| DELETE THIS NOW! |
| abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz poo on marigold abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz |
| WARNING= SOME PEOPLE MAY FIND THIS JOKE A BIT RACIST OR OFFENSIVE. I MEAN NO OFFENCE TO ANYBODY WHO READS THIS. Q: How do you start a rush hour in Bangladesh? A: Roll a penny down the street! |
| I AM NOT A RACIST PERSON, I JUST FIND THIS FUNNY. There was once a rich pakistani. His name was Azif. (As if) |
| What do you call two thieves? A pair of knickers! |
| i want to live in a big castle and to be a princess |
| When does Saddam Hussein have his lunch? When Tariq Aziz. (When Tariq has his) |
| Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? A: Bacon and legs |
| What do you call a sheep with no eyes? A blind sheep (what else?) |
| yo mommma is so skinny when she went to the strip club they used her as the pole! |
| Here's a good trick to try on people... Say to them: "I'm going to ask you two questions. one you have to answer yes, the other you have to answer no. 1st question: Are you stupid? <(you can put in anything you want here) 2nd question: Are you a liar? |
| Betcha I can give up gambling! |
| I am sure most people have heard of or watched the popular show the Ozbournes and still more people have Heard Ozzy sing. My question is how can Ozzy sing if he can't talk??? |
| A sailor came home from his 5-year sea voyage, and had two bird-cages with him. He holds them up, and says to his wife, "Do you want the parrot, or do you want the cockatoo?" She replies, "I'll have the parrot, I've had a cockatoo while you were away!" |
| Why did God make man first? Because he didn't want to be interrupted by woman! |
| Two ships, one carrying lots of red paint, the other carrying lots of purple paint, crashed on a desert island. The drivers are now marooned. |
| What's the difference between a leg and an egg? You can beat an egg up, but you can't beat a leg up! |
| When you were born, God admitted that even he sometimes made mistakes! |
| Q: How does a blonde moon walk? A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor! |
| What's worse than taking a bite out of an apple and finding a worm? Finding half a worm! |
| Confucius asks: "If a train station is where the train stops, and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?" |
| Last time my friend went to the zoo, he got in trouble for feeding the monkeys... ...to the lions. |
| Man 1: "My budgie lays square eggs!" Man 2: "Really! That's amazing! Can it talk as well?" Man 1: "Yes, but only one word." Man 2: "What's that?" Man 1: "Ouch!" |
| "Look at the speed of that plane!" said one hawk to another, as a jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads. "Hmph!" snorted the other, "You too would fly fast if your tail was on fire!" |
| Two neighbours were talking to each other. One said to the other "Have you told your son to stop imitating me?" The other one replied "Yes. Yesterday I went up to him and said 'Stop acting such a fool!'..." |
| Wife: Will you love me when I'm old and ugly? Husband: Darling, of course I do... |
| A man was walking through the desert, when he found a woman buried up to her neck. The woman asks him to dig her out, and he says, "What's in it for me?" She replies, "Sand." |
| Yo Momma so short, you can see her feet on her driving licence! |
| Yo Momma's lips so big, she can whisper in her own ear! |
| "I say! Look here!" said an angry member of the grouse-shooting party. "You nearly shot my wife!" "I'm terribly sorry," replied the offender, "shall I try again?" |
| What's the difference between a bad lawyer and a good lawyer? A bad lawyer can have a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer. |
| A man was travelling at 180 miles per hour on a motorway and was pulled over by the traffic police. The man asked: "Sorry officer, was I driving too fast?" The policeman replied, "No, you were flying too low..." |
| Sticks and stones won't break my bones but yo momma will when she gets on top! |
| Man 1: "Why have you painted your car red on one side and blue on the other?" Man 2: "So that if I bang into anyone, the witnesses will have a marvellous time in court contradicting each other!" |
| Girl 1: "This morning my dad gave me soap-flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast!" Girl 2: "I bet you were angry with him!" Girl 1: "Angry?! I was foaming at the mouth!" |
| Mom: "Why have you been sent home early, Jack?" Jack: "Because the boy next to me was smoking." Mom: "But if he was smoking, why were you sent home?" Jack: "Because I set him on fire!" |
| Teacher: "Simon! What does it mean if the barometer falls?" Simon: "Err.. The nail's come out of the wall, miss?" |
| You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day. |
| A cop pulled over two drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy." |
| Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage. They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays. |
| Bought the wife a hamster fur coat for her birthday, she was delighted with it. We went to the fair; took me 4 hours to get her off the big wheel! |
| Two eggs were in a pan of boiling water. One egg says, "Phew, it's hot in here!" The other egg replies, "Wait till we get out of here, they smash your head in!" |
| One day a couple of rabbits found themselves being chased by a pack of wolves. They dashed into a thicket, and stood there panting. "So," gasped one to the other, "do you think we should keep running, or stay here until we outnumber them?" |
| A man walks into a men's outfitters and grumpily asks to see the cheapest suit in the shop. The horrified snooty sales assistant immediately fetched a full length mirror and placed it in front of him. |
| Two cows eating grass, On a warm, sunny hillock. By this time tomorrow, That grass will be millock. |
| Blond: Daddy! I know my alphabet! Dad: That took you 5 yaars! Blond: I know, but now I know my ABD's! |
| A blonde had twin girls - she called them Kate and Duplicate. Then she had twin boys - she called them Pete and Repeat. |
| Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(9i)³]-[cos(xy)/1096x] |
| Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish. |
| Good insult: Your mom goes to college! Good comeback: How do you know? Stalker! |
| Yo momma is so short when she falls of the curb it sounds like aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! |
| Yo momma is so stupid, she thought innuendo was an Italian suppository. |
| My granddad was a very unlucky man. He made a soft drink, and called it 1-up, but it didn't sell. He made another, called it 2-up, which also didn't sell. He tried yet another, called it 3-up. He got to 6-up, and quit. |
| Why is it that every time we blow our noses, we look inside the tissue afterwards? Are we expecting something other than boogers? Or are we checking to make sure they have not run off? |
| Ok. I honestly saw this on a billboard: Illiterate? Call this number to learn how to read. |
| Billy turns up at school very late one morning, and the teacher asks the reason why he's late. "Sorry, Miss, my dad got burned." "I'm sorry to hear that; I hope it's not serious," she replies. "Oh, they don't piss about at the crematorium, Miss!" |
| Your mama is so old, her breast-milk is powder! |
| Yo momma so fat she blocks the sun when she's out walking! |
| You call me ugly? Where is your mirror, boy? |
| Yo Momma so poor her front door and back door are in the same room. Yo Momma so poor she kicked a can across the street and a man asked "what are you doing?" and she said "I'm moving." |
| A woman walked into a bar, and asked the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one. |
| "Doctor, please, I have a problem pronouncing Ts, Fs and Hs!" "Well then, you can't say fairer than that." |
| Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with two black sheep under each arm? A: A pimp |
| I went out to buy a new television, and wanted to buy a locally-made set. The salesman showed me a set I quite liked, and he assured me it was made locally, but I saw through that - clearly printed on the box was "Built in Antenna." |
| If your brain was dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your hat off! |
| Every village has its idiot. Somewhere in Texas, a village is missing theirs. |
| Sally – "Mummy, why can't I go swimming in the sea?" Mum – "Because there are sharks in the sea." Sally – "But mummy, daddy is swimming in the sea." Mum – "That's different, he's insured." |
| You might be a redneck if you let your thirteen-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of HER two kids. |
| Why aren't dogs allowed in the White House? They might pee on the Bush! |
| this site is awesome! look 4 the difference between the pics! http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf |
| Knock Knock! Who's there? Who who. Who who who? Is there an owl in here? |
| Knock Knock! Who's there? Amos. Amos who? Amosquito bit me! |
| Knock Knock! Who's there? Moo, moo, who. Moo, moo, who, who? Well, make up your mind, are you a cow or an owl? |
| Knock Knock. Who's there? Toulose. Toulose who? I don't want to lose to anybody! |
| Knock Knock. Who's there? Are you, Are you who? Are you going to let me in or not? |
| Knock knock. Who's there? Yudare. Yudare who? You dare to disturb me,while I am sleeping? |
| Yo momma's so stupid, she got lost in a parking lot!! |
| A calendar – something that goes in one year and out the other. |
| A man walks into a dentist's and says, "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth." The dentist says, "You need a psychiatrist, mate." The man says, "Yes, I know." The dentist replies, "Well, why have you come in here?" "Your light was on!" |
| I bought a book called "How to Hug," and when I got it home, found it was volume 7 of an encyclopedia. I phoned the gym, and asked if they could teach me to do the splits. The girl asked if I was flexible, and I said I couldn't do Tuesdays. |
| There is a major difference between the way a dog thinks and the way a cat thinks. A dog says, "You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. You must be God." A cat says, "You feed me, shelter me, pamper me, and love me. I must be God." |
| You have to see this joke to believe it. - Editor's Note: Link Deleted - |
| What do you get when you cross a cheetah with a hamburger? Fast food! |
| Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work. Why is a river rich? Because it has two banks. What is a foreign ant called? Import-ant. What do ants take when they are ill? Anti-biotics. |
| What is the fastest way to double your money? By folding it in half |
| What did one glass say to another glass? Lets have a break. What did one ghost say to another ghost? Do you believe in people? What did one chair say to another chair? Here comes another bum. |
| What is the similarity between Michael Jackson and a Playstation 2? They both are made of plastic, and they both get turned on by kids. |
| 'Doctor,doctor.I think that I'm a bridge.' 'What on earth's come over you?' 'Well a car,a bike.....' |
| A merger has been announced between the California Highway Patrol (CHiPs) and the California Fish and Game Department. It will be called Fish and Chips. |
| I tried to walk into Target one day... I missed |
| Justin: If you give me a quarter, I'll give you everything in my lunch box. Zach: That depends... what's in your lunchbox? Justin: Nothing! |
| She Was So Blonde She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk". |
| What does the hot dog say after winning a race? I'm a WIENER!!! |
| What's the difference between a teacher and a train? A teacher says "spit your gum out" and a train says "choo choo!!" |
| Confucius say: Sperm sample from Nobel Prize winner is stroke of genius. |
| Confucius Say: Crowd in elevator smell different to midget. |
| Confucius say: Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways, going to Bangkok |
| I was walking around in the movies with my friends and we saw this one teenager. His pants were falling down, so I said to my friends, "God, these kids nowadays! I thought a rapper died and the kid decided to put his pants half-staff!" |
| Godzilla, King Kong, and a smart blonde are all on the Empire State Building. Who jumps first? None. Because none of them exist! |
| Two criminals are talking in a jail cell. "What are you in for?" "Something I did NOT do!" "Sooo... you're innocent? What did you not do?" "I DIDN'T run fast enough!" |
| What did the whale say to the dolphin when he pushed him? I didn't do it on porpoise! |
| Yo momma's so stupid, when they said "Drinks are on the house!" She went and got a ladder. |
| Yo momma's so fat that small things orbit her! |
| She make Olympic sumo wrestlers look anorexic. |
| Yo momma's so stupid, she watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch. |
| What do you say to a redneck with a beautiful woman on his arm? "Hey, nice tattoo!" |
| The gangster's last words – "Who put that violin in my violin case?" |
| I gave up Thai boxing because I felt the Thais were getting fed up being put in boxes. |
| What do you give the person who has everything? A box to keep it all in. |
| 1. Wake up and stumble in the room 40 minutes late. 2. Blame all of the problems in America on 9/11 and Iraq. 3. Pronounce "nuclear" right. 4. Publish my dog's sequel. 5. Show off my awesome golf shot. Hey, I counted to five! |
| I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. |
| Yo mama's so cross-eyed, when I was banging her she thought she was getting a threesome! |
| 99.9% of all lawyers make the other ones look bad. |
| The other day, I saw my friend with a big puffy red nose. I asked her what happened and she said, "I stopped to smell a brose," then I said, "wait, there's no b in rose!" She said, "Well, there was in that one!! |
| Did you know that 61.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot? |
| So, Michael Jackson walks into a bar. Oh, that looked like it hurt! It must have knocked his nose off! |
| On June 10th, 2006, San Fransisco, California held the largest gay, nude bike ride in the United States. I'm never buying a used bike ever again. |
| My dad has always told me that putting in a little effort and dedication on the job never hurt anyone. Then again, he never heard of worker's comp. |
| Miss Blue(Teacher):"2 x 2 = 4, 4 x 4 = 16, and now, Brian, what is 16 x 16?" Brian(Pupil): "You cheated, Miss Blue. You always take the easy one and give us the hardest." |
| Patient: "My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?" Doctor: "A shoebox!" |
| How do you make a reindeer fast? Don't feed it. |
| What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? "It's Christmas, Eve!" |
| I'll be sober tomorrow, but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life. |
| Little Johnny's mother took him to a supermarket to buy some food. "Anything you break comes out of your allowance money!" shouted Johnny's mother. Johnny turned around and said "But you don't give me any allowance money!" "Yes, and now you know why." |
| Hi, this is Johan advising you that you spend WAY too much time on the phone. GO OUTSIDE... See the world, LIVE a little... Have fun. |
| Yo mama is so greasy Yo mama so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid! Yo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco! Yo mama so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her |
| Yo mama is so skinny Yo mama so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio Yo mama so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex. Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared. |
| Yo momma so lazy, she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs. Yo momma so lazy, she's got a remote control just to operate her remote! Yo momma so lazy, she came in last place in a recent snail marathon. |
| Yo momma's head so small, she use a tea-bag as a pillow. Yo momma's head so small, she got her ear pierced and died. |
| Yo mama so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon. Yo mama so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida. |
| Yo mamma is so bald Yo mamma so bald even a wig wouldn't help! Yo mamma so bald you can see what's on her mind Yo mamma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed. |
| What did the mama broom say to the little broom? Go to sweep little one. |
| What's the difference between the teacher and the one who minds trains? The teacher trains minds, the other minds trains. |
| What starts with T, ends with the T and has full of T's? [You must answer it and write it in the comment box!(hehe)] |
| In a classroom, the teacher tell the pupils that peanuts make your smarter. Then a pupil said: "Are you nuts?" |
| Sometimes I think I'm stupid... until I met George W. Bush. Now I feel like the smartest man in the world. |
| I read right the way through a medical dictionary, and found that the only thing in it I DON'T have is hypochondria! |
| Teacher: Julia, how can you say Asshole in a nicer way? Julia: As holes. |
| What's pink and fluffy? Pink fluff! |
| How do you know if a 500-pound man is a millionaire? (That's 500-pound fat, not muscle.) Because he will have a totally hot, blonde, babe on his arm. |
| Yo momma's so fat that when she got into an elevator, she exceeded the weight limit. I wonder how many it took to get her in there in the first place? |
| "They misunderestimate me." -Nov. 6, 2000 "Rarely is the question asked: Is out children learning?" -Jan. 11, 2000 "I aim to be a competitive nation." -April 21, 2006 |
| Drink apple juice, because O.J. will kill you. (O.J. = Orange Juice) |
| Knock-Knock Who's There? Well Water Well Water Who? Well Water You Waiting For? Open The Door And Let Me IN!!!!!! |
| A blonde and a brunette jump off of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Who lands first? \ / \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions. |
| Yo mama is so hairy... ...you almost died of rugburn at birth! ...she looks like she got Buchwheat in a headlock. ...bigfoot is taking her picture! ...she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan. |
| Man 1: "I was on the television last night." Man 2: "Were you really?" Man 1: "Yeah. When I'm drunk I'll sleep anywhere." |
| "Excuse me, is this tuna dolphin-friendly?" "Dolphin-friendly? He was only best man at Flipper's wedding!" |
| Q: Which sea animal is very grumpy? A: The crab! |
| Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125. |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? I don't know To get the Chinese newspaper Get it? No Neither do I. I get USA Today |
| Q: How many blonds does it take to change a light bulb? A: 101, one to hold the lightbulb and 100 to spin the house! |
| Yo Momma's life is such a failure, when I gave her a dollar she said her life was complete. |
| Here's a chain mail I recieved. Hi there, Thought For The Day "Good looks catch the eye but a GOOD personality catches the heart. You're blessed with both!" Don't be flattered, this message was sent to ME! I just wanted YOU to read it. PASS IT ON. |
| The three stages of sex in marriage: Tri-weekly, Try-weekly, Try-weakly. |
| "How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate. "Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner!" |
| What was 50 Cent's daughter named? Penny! |
| You know you're screwed when you fall in love with a woman you see at the mall, then realize that she is your sister. |
| How many presidents does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll only promise change. |
| How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None 'o yo' fuckin' business! |
| Mr. and Mrs. Wong are a married couple who live in China. After being married for three years, they decided to have a baby. They ended up having a baby girl with mental disabilities. They named her 'Somting Wong'. |
| Adult Male |
| I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person. |
| Three men walked into a bar. They died |
| Knock-Knock. Who's There. OMG OMG who? OMG! How long has that cookie been in your Lunch Box?! |
| Yo Momma's feet smell so bad that her shoes committed suicide. |
| What kind of key can't open a door. |
| What kind of key can't open a door. A monkey |
| The blonde arrived at work, looking very bleary-eyed and tired. "What's wrong with you?" asked her friend. "I was up half the night," came the reply. "And why was that?" "I was waiting for the cat to come home, so I could put her out for the night." |
| What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers? 1. How much money do you have? 2. Where can you get more? 3. Do you have anything you can sell? |
| Yo momma's so fat, she fell off a donkey. |
| make a hole. |
| Yo mama so fat, when she walked past the TV, I missed a whole episode off MTV's grand finale of Making the Van! |
| Yo mamma is so fat that when she goes to the beach she's the only one that gets a tan! |
| Yo mamma is so poor she has only got two channels on her T.V. : 'on' and 'off'. |
| Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain? A: After a dye job. Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes? A: They're doing research on black holes. |
| Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common? A: They both have black roots. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes? A: Peroxide. Q: How do you tell if a bleach blonde did your landscaping? A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard. |
| What is a pirate's favourite branch of the military? The Arrrmy... no, the Navy, he's a pirate! |
| Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with. |
| Hawt het hlle ma i redanig? |
| Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm! |
| What did the tie say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll just hang around. |
| Knock Knock! Who's there? Kanga. Kanga who? No! Kangaroo! |
| Got to Get You Into My Sights I Put a Shell in You You've Shot a Friend Huntin', Shootin', Drinkin' Dude Looked Like a Birdie |
| Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!" |
| Q: Why did the little girls put minnows in their pants? A: So they could smell like big girls. |
| Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime |
| Yo mamma is so poor, when I told her she eats dirt, she said to me,"No way, that stuff is for rich people!" |
| A duck, a skunk, and a frog go to the movies. Tickets cost one dollar. Which animal doesn't get in? The skunk! The frog has a green back, the duck has a bill, but the skunk only has a scent. |
| Yo mamma is so stupid, that when the power went out, she said, "Don't worry, we'll just watch a tape." |
| Q: What do you call a redneck family reunion? A: An orgy! |
| Do Roman paramedics refer to an IV as a four? |
| Yo momma is so big, that when she farts, she destroys the ozone layer above her! |
| In a messed up family, the child named Hope is goth, and the child named Faith is atheist. |
| Yo Momma so fat, when she went into a sumo wrestling match, they said, "Sorry, no professionals allowed." |
| How many women on their periods does it take to change a light bulb? - - - O N E ! ! , YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT? |
| Two friends, who haven't met for a couple of years, are catching up with each other's news. One says, "And then the doctor said he'd have me back on my feet in a fortnight!" His pal says, "Well, did he?" "He sure did, I had to sell my car to pay him!" |
| Did your parents have any kids that lived? |
| You know you're a redneck when your stair master has an ashtray! |
| Why has Edward Woodward got 4 d's in his name? If he hadn't he would be Ewar Woowar! |
| What's red and invisible? No tomato. |
| I was walking around and I saw somebody selling a shirt that said this: F.B.I. Female Body Inspector |
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| Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get to the other side! ************************************************************ Q: Why did the punk rock star cross the road? A: Because he was stapled to the chicken! |
| Dad: Son what is the difference a penis and a loaf of bread? Son: I don't know. Dad: Then remind me to never send you to the store for a loaf of bread. |
| We are rated with RSAC i, SafeSurf TM Rated. |
| Your joke was submitted. |
| A friend in need . . . . . .is a damn nuisance. |
| Q: Imagine you are stuck in a cell, no windows, no doors pretty much nothing. How do you get out? A: -Stop imagining!- |
| I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every second one! I figure, no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three for each three they unlock! |
| "I finally got my boss to laugh," said one friend to another after work. "Oh, how?" "I asked for a raise!" |
| If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for everybody. |
| What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi! |
| I wanted to learn how to make ice cream, so I started attending sundae school. |
| My teacher always used to tell me that double negatives are a real no-no. |
| Knock-Knock. Who's there? Sherwood. Sherwood who? Sherwood like to meet you, so open the door! |
| Q: What did the older lightbulb say to the younger lightbulb? A: You're too young to go out tonight. |
| Once upon a time, there was a girl with a lisp. She couldn't pronounce her c's or s's so she would just leave them out. One day she was going to the bathroom and started singing "I've Got Peace Like a River." |
| I found this on a can of Juicey-Juice 100% Juice. Just add water. |
| Q: Why could Long John Silver never find an aspirin? A: 'Cause his parrots ate them all. |
| Do bakers with a sense of humor bake wry bread? |
| Psychiatrist: What's your problem? Patient: I think I'm a chicken. Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? Patient: Ever since I was an egg! |
| Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? A: One drunk Irishman |
| After picking up food for his daughter's cat, George spied a new bowl for the pet and grabbed it too. "Shall I have the cat's name written on the side of the bowl?" offered the store owner. "No, don't bother," replied George. "He can't read anyway." |
| I went into the kitchen, and there was a tap on the window. Not using that plumber again! |
| Two wrongs do not make a right, but three rights make a left. |
| "Is that right, that you Dubliners always answer a question with another question?" "Now, who would be telling you that?" |
| Knock Knock Who's there? Dustin Dustin who? Dust in the air, please let me in! |
| Yo momma so fat, when she didn't have enough food, she rang 911. |
| WARNING: SOME PEOPLE MAY FIND THIS RACIST, ALTHOUGH I MEAN NO OFFENCE. What do you call a Pakistani in a microwave? Ba-ding!!! |
| Knock Knock! Who's There? Candy. Candy who? Candy door even open? |
| Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your Mom. |
| Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence." Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?" Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left." |
| A guy goes up to his best friend and says, "Dude, I need you to do something for me, no questions asked." "Okay," says the friend. "What is it?" "I said no questions!" |
| A girl was calling her boyfriend because he wasn't online and she wanted him to be. "Hello?" he said, groggily. "I want you to get up and get your ass online." she said. "How?" "I don't know. Get a scanner if you need to. Just get your ass online!" |
| Know why men are men and women are WOmen? Men keep saying - WO man, check out her boobs! |
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| "I'm really too tired and unable to do my home work," the son protested to his father. "Now my son, hard work has never killed any one yet, at least not at your age." "Yes, but I don't want to run the risk of being the first!" |
| Knock-Knock Who's there? Tex Tex who? Tex two to tango. |
| Why do they call it "drug abuse" when the person "abusing the drugs" then ends up with half of his brain being rendered useless? |
| Yo momma is so fat she wanted to go shopping for a new belt so she reached into the sky, then pulled off one of Saturn's rings and said, "Yep! Perfect fit." |
| Have you ever heard of the Gay Mafia? No? If you don't pay up, they come round your house, and criticize your curtains! |
| An English teacher wrote this phrase on the board and asked her students to properly punctuate it: "Woman without her man is nothing." MEN WROTE: Woman, without her man, is nothing. WOMEN WROTE: Woman! Without her, man is nothing. |
| Q: What to you call it when your pet jackrabbit dies? A: A bad "Hare" day |
| How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? There weren't any cars coming! |
| Knock knock Who's there? *silence* |
| What do you call a black priest? Holy Shit |
| Q: What happens when you pour boiling water on a bunny? A: A hot cross-buniken! |
| A parachute used once, but has never been open! |
| Knock Knock! Who's There? Eileen. Eileen who? Eileen on the door until you open it |
| Yo momma's cooking so bad, she's got a toothbrush next to her plate instead of a knife! |
| Little Johnny's mum was sitting in front of computer while Johnny was making sandwiches. She said to Johhny, "You're the best sandwich maker ever," and Johnny says "No mum, you're just lazy." hahahahahahahahahahaha |
| Why did the boy buy a new bum? Coz his had a crack in it. |
| My mum told me that picking my nose was disgusting, and from now on, I had to pick it myself. |
| I was talking to my sister's boyfriend one day and I asked him if prettyful was a word. He said, "Well, I use it a lot. Whenever I've just eaten and someone asks me if I'm hungry, I say 'I'm pretty full." |
| Knock knock Who's there? can't catch. can't catch who? me, you can't catch me! |
| This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a state policeman pulls him over. "You got any I.D.?" the patrolman asked. "'Bout what?" the hillbilly replied. |
| Man: "How's your history paper coming?" Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it's been very helpful." Man: "Really?" Woman: "Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell them!" |
| I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work." I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener. |
| Knock-Knock! Who's there? Maida. Maida who? Maida force be with you! |
| Have you noticed since most people have a camcorder these days there are not as many people talking about seeing UFOs as there use to be? |
| Knock Knock! Who's There? Abbott. Abbott who? Abbott time you answered the door! |
| I took lessons in bicycle riding, but I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle. |
| Mosquitos consider most people as food, but grandma's an open bar. |
| I'll tell ya later. |
| It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest. - S. den Hartog, Ph D. Thesis Universtity of Groningen. |
| What's black and white and makes a lot of noise? A zebra with a drum. |
| "Have you ever had a tick before?" asked Mel. "No, I've only ever had crosses," replied Sally. |
| Teacher: Vincent, not to be presumptuous, but your short story is truly fantastic. Did you really write it? Vincent: Yes, I wrote, while my mother dictated... |
| Shakespeare walks into a bar and the bartender shouts at him, "You can't come in here, you're Bard!" |
| Do doughnut shops need security systems? |
| Yo momma is so fat, I gave her a piggyback ride and I got scoliosis. |
| Two bees in their hive on a lovely summer day, and one says to the other, "'Swarm in here, isn't it?" |
| What do you call Santa when he's been to the beach? Sandy Claus! |
| Knock knock. Who's there? He. He who? He who must not be named, so don't say it! |
| What did the bald man say when he was given a comb for his birthday? "Oh, thank you! I'll never part with it!" |
| "Charles the First walked and talked half an hour after his head was cut off." Make sense? It should be- "Charles the First walked and talked. Half an hour after, his head was cut off." |
| Steve is playing with his 3 friends at his tree in the back garden, and his mum comes out and shouts, "If all four of you fall out of that tree and break both legs, then don't come running to me!" |
| Yo mamma so fat that when I swerved around her in my car, I ran out of petrol! |
| You're so stupid, you traded your car in for petrol! |
| You're as bright as a broken lightbulb! |
| You're as funny as a ripped-up joke book! |
| you're as smart as a broken calculator!!!!!!! |
| A man. |
| If at first you don't suceed...lower your standards! |
| Knock Knock! Who's There? Dot. Dot who? Dots for me to know, and you to find out. |
| The can was invented quite a while before the can opener. |
| What do you call the planters guy beating up fruit spread? Peanut battering jelly. |
| Guy goes to see his doctor - "Doctor, please help me, I've got kleptomania bad!" "OK, take these pills, one a day, but if they've not worked in a month, could you get me an LCD telly?" |
| Charlie: "My wife has the worst memory ever." Tom: "She forgets everything, huh?" Charlie: "No, she REMEMBERS everything!" |
| Yo Momma is so stupid she took wood to the movie SAW!! |
| A guy goes to the dentist and says, "How much to get these two teeth pulled?" "$80 a tooth," he replies. "For two minutes work! That's crazy!" said the patient. "Trust me," said the dentist, "You don't want me to do it any slower. |
| She left him because he had a will of his own. And it wasn't made out to her! |
| A detective was questioning a burglary suspect. "Where were you between five and six?" he asked. "In kindergarten!" he replied |
| Knock Knock! Who's There? Radio. Radio Who? Radio not, here I come! |
| One chicken says to the other, "For heaven's sake, don't cross the road! We'll never hear the end of it!" |
| Yo momma's so fat, when she turns around another year has passed already! |
| Yo Momma is so fat she needs mapquest to find her butt! |
| Knock knock. Who's there? Haf. Haf who. Haf you ever opened the door because I'm tired of waiting. |
| Yo Momma smells so bad the skunk gave her his stripe. |
| Knock knock. Who's there? Doughnut. Doughnut who? I doughnut want to know if you're sick! |
| How many mathematicians does it take to replace a lightbulb? Pi. 3 screw exactly a radius's length, and the last about-one-seventh screws it in all the way! |
| Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?? V V V V V V V V V V V V V V He loved it, but it scared the heck out of his dog. |
| Virginity is like a balloon. One prick and it's gone! |
| Whenever I have to go up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator because one time i was on an escalator and I tripped... So i was falling for an hour and a half. |
| Q: What type of storage units do underwater computers use? A: Trilo-bytes |
| Presidents on a sinking ship! Ford says: "What do we do?" Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!" Reagan says: "What lifeboats?" Carter says: "Women first!" Nixon says: "Screw the women!" Clinton says: "You think we have time?" |
| Question: What is a Kentucky Virgin? Answer: A really ugly seven year old girl who can run faster than her older brother. |
| George W. Bush.... that's it |
| Did you ever notice that a lot of people will do just about anything to get attention? Like putting jokes up on a website! P.S I love Wocka. |
| Gummer: Is defined as receiving oral sex from a woman who has no teeth. |
| Did you hear about the morning after pill for guys? It changes his blood type. |
| What do women with no legs leave behind when they cross a linoleum floor? Snail Tracks. |
| Have you ever seen Moth Balls? You have!!! How did you get their teeny, tiny and poor little legs apart? Ya fiend! |
| What do a walrus & tupperware have in common? They both like a "tight" SEAL! |
| What is Jewish beer called? He Brew!! |
| Yo mama so fat when jumps up in the air she gets stuck. |
| What's the difference between a religious woman and a supposedly regular woman in a bathtub? One has HOPE in her soul. |
| This is funny. |
| Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. |
| What can you break without saying its' name? Silence...Shhh! |
| Your mamma is soooo ugo... When you look in the mirror you die of fright, as you look just like her. |
| A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother: Dear Grandmother, I'm sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday. With love, Mike |
| Q: What does a 1000 pound bird say?? A: SQUAWK!!! |
| Q: What was Jesus when he was resurrected? A: A Born Again Christian |
| Q: How do you get a blonde with one arm out of a tree? A: Wave to her |
| Bob was talking to Ted, an old friend. Bob: My wife drives like lightning! Ted: She drives fast? Bob: No, She hits trees! |
| 1. Who's idea was it to put "s" in the word "Lisp"? 2. Trust in God, but keep your car locked. 3. They say that swimming is good for your figure. If so, what happened to whales? |
| Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. |
| Save the whales, harpoon a fat chick! |
| In a small town, an frightened man ran inside the local pub and shouted, "Does anyone here own a big black dog with a white collar?" But no one answered and he said, "Oh my God,I must have run over the Vicar!" |
| Hubluza |
| Float like a butterfly Sting like a bee I slept with yo momma Now it burns when I pee ! |
| Why do chicken coops have two doors? Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan. |
| If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember everything. |
| Q: How do you get free tickets to a concert fast? A: Bring a gun to the box-office. |
| When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon shopping list - then it's a "portable hand-held communications inscriber", says a Republican senator. |
| William P. Holcomb's job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he himself had 375 unpaid tickets. |
| Knock knock! Who's there? Ya. Ya who? What are you getting so excited about? |
| Now I lay me down to sleep; If I die before I wake, Please somebody; step on the BRAKE! |
| Don't worry, you aren't fat. You're only "fluffy"! |
| Dick Cheney had a problem. He was been sued for 200 million dollars. He asks everybody in the West Wing for advice. However, only President Bush has any good advice: " Why don't you take them hunting?" |
| Yo Mamma is so poor, when you asked for milk she said,"left or right?" |
| Q: How many publishers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw it in and two more to hold down the editor. |
| Man in car, Went to bar. Feeling nifty, Doing fifty. Hit a car, Poor old soul. Doctor's fee, CEMETARY! |
| Q: What did one chart say to the other? A: "My! You're awfully graphic!" |
| The Indian chief introduced his wife to a newspaper reporter; "This is Three Horse." "That's a picturesque name," said the reporter. "Does it have deep symbolism?" "Yes," the chief replied. "Nag, nag, nag!" |
| Yo mamma is soooo poor that her front and back door are on the same hinge! |
| Knock knock Who's there? Idunnap. Idunnap who? Well, you best get to the toilet then! (For those of you who don't understand you're meant to say, "i done a poo!") |
| Yo mamma smells so bad, when she went into the enchanted forest, all the skunks commited suicide! |
| What did one snowman say to the other snowman? Do you smell carrots? |
| You're like school on Saturday... NO CLASS! |
| Have you heard about camping? It's intense. (In tents!) |
| How do you catch a unique rabbit? You nique up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way! |
| What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A licalottapus! |
| One lesbian said to the other, "I'll just be Frank with you," ...and the other said, "Ok, you be Frank today and I'll be Frank tommorrow." |
| What do you call two Chinese queers? Two can chew! |
| Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left him! |
| Beer... it's the cause and solution to all men's problems! |
| Who is the patron saint of playgrounds? St. Francis of a see-saw! |
| What is the one thing you get at a wedding and cannot give back no matter how much you despise and hate it? IN-LAWS! |
| Confucius say... ~He who value skin does not wash cat |
| Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO? A: I don't know, I've never seen either. Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? A: (1)No mind (2)No business |
| This summer, I went on a trip to Houston. I needed to go really badly, so I stopped behind a tree. A minute later, I darted out being chased by a hungry squirrel. He wanted some nuts. |
| IBM and IBC combine to create the perfect computer for financial management. Here's the headline on the weekly paper. IBM: Do You? |
| Teacher: Billy why are you late? Billy: Because the sign said "Children Slow" |
| Question: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Answer: Elephino (Hell-if-I-know) |
| What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night. |
| Yo momma is so hairy that I thought she had herself in a headlock! |
| Knock Knock Who's there? Nunya! Nunya who? Nunya Damn Business!! |
| Life isn't fair. I went to my boss with a note from my doctor stating that I have multiple personalities. Now I do three different jobs and still only get one paycheck!!. |
| How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer, Olive? Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names." What's the most popular wine at Christmas? "I don't like sprouts"! |
| What did you learn in school today? Not enough, apparently. I have to go back tomorrow! |
| Why don't witches wear panties? To get a better grip on their broom. |
| Glow in the dark sunglasses A book on how to read A dictionary index Watermelon seed sorter Zero proof alcohol Reusable ice cubes See through toilet tissue Skinless bananas Do it yourself roadmap |
| You know what your problem is? Your brain is too tense... too tense the size of everybody else's. |
| How do you know if you're in a gay church? If half the congregation is kneeling! |
| A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" "No." A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly. "That's not my dog." |
| This was set up by Google as a joke. Enjoy! Please do the following: 1. Open Google. 2. Type, "french military victories". 3. Click: I'm Feeling Lucky. 4. Enjoy! |
| This was set up by Google. Enjoy! Please do the following: 1. Open Google. 2. Type "failure". 3. Click: I'm Feeling Lucky. 4. Enjoy! |
| There was a blonde and a brunette in a car. The brunette hears a siren behind them, so she asks the blonde if its lights are on. The blonde turns around and says "yes, no, yes, no....." |
| Q: What do you get if you drop a piano on the seventh dwarf? A: A diminished seventh! |
| Do you know why single women can't fart? Because they don't get assholes untill they get married. |
| Professionals built the Titanic. An amateur built the ark. |
| (This joke was copied from the "Fresh Price of Bel Air" show and are not my original jokes). 40 is the begining.... the begining of the end. 40 is the begining of life. Did I say life?... i meant gum disease! |
| "You were speaking much too long on the phone just now, Miss Ponsonby," said Mr.Jones. "But it was a business call, Mr. Jones." "Well, please don't address our clients as 'sweetikins'in the future." |
| A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. |
| You momma so stupid, when I asked her,"Why she was yelling into an envelope."She said "She was trying to send voice mail." |
| Yo momma so fat and stupid, when her doctor told her to go on a seafood diet, she says OK, I see food, I eat it. |
| Yo momma so fat, when she entered a fat contest she won 1st, 2nd, and 3rd prizes. |
| What do you call a cute volcano? Lava-ble! |
| I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work. |
| For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. |
| There were two fish. The first says: "We're gonna swim 100 miles upstream, have sex, then die." The second says: "So we're gonna swim 100 miles upstream, then die?" First fish: "Yup" Second: "Are we gonna have sex?" First : "Yup" Second: "Ok count me in!" |
| What do you do when you're lonely on an Alaskan cruise? Answer: Go to the window and yell "whale" |
| What did one virus say to the other virus? Keep away from me, I think I've got penicillin! |
| What did one earthquake say to another? Oops! My fault! |
| A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... then ... pow! ... it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..." |
| The bumper sticker of a proud parent read: MY SON WAS INMATE OF THE MONTH |
| What do you call an Italian Cop? Guinea Pig |
| I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. |
| Q: What is the difference between a plate and a booger? A: The plate is on the table, but the booger is under the table. Q: What is the difference between a prince and a booger? A: The prince is the heir to the throne, but the booger is thrown to the air. |
| "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899. |
| A brunette on a river bank sees a blonde on the far shore and yells to her: "How do I get to the other side of the river?" And the blonde yells back "You're ON the other side." |
| Descartes walked into a McDonalds and ordered a veggieburger. The guy behind the counter asked "Do you want fries with that?" Descartes replied "I think not," and poof - he disappeared. |
| Once upon a time, there was a fairy called Nuff. Fair enough. |
| A kid said to his Dad, "In school I learned Pluto is in outerspace. But they didn't say where Mickey is." |
| Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. |
| When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. Editor's note: Mean can mean both not nice but another definition is average. |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_23.txt |
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| I use to feel like I was a man trapped in a woman's body, but then I was born. |
| Please don't tell anyone, this is HOT gossip. After all the years of shit, it's surprising they are still together! Guess who? THE BUTTOCKS! |
| If a monk, living in a monastery, takes a vow of silence, then talks in his sleep, has he broken his vow of silence? If so, who is going to tell on him? |
| I went to get some paper from the stationery store, but it had moved. |
| In the USA they go ice skating. In Canada we go skating; we just assume it will be on ice! |
| What is a definition of a " suicide bomber"? Answer: "martyr-dumb" |
| My bedroom is so small... The mice are hunchbacked. I shut the door and and the doorknob was in bed with me. I have to go outside to change my mind. If I stand up, I'm on the second floor. |
| A three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left was on the right and the right was on the left. She said, "Paul, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her and said, "No they're not, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet." |
| Knock-Knock Who's There Hatch Hatch Who? God Bless You. |
| 2 guys are sitting at a bar after a hard days work and start talking about their wives. 1st guy: "You know what, my wife is an angel." 2nd guy: "Gee, you sure are lucky, my wife is still alive!" |
| Knock Knock Who's there? Aesop Aesop who? Aesop I saw a Putty Cat, I did I did! |
| When I was growing up I never bothered to learn French. So I tried very hard to avoid French in general, since I didn't know any of it. It was very hard to avoid... ...since my family spoke french... |
| Yo Momma is so Dumb she put training wheels on your tricycle. |
| Who is the ugliest member of wocka? [Name Removed - This joke offends some users - Joke awaiting deletion] |
| My geometry tutor told me, "A six-sided polygon is called a hexagon, a five-sided one is called a pentagon." "What about two sided ones?" I asked. "They don't exist," was his response. "I beg to differ! I think we should just let bi-gons be bi-gons." |
| You know you are a redneck when you do not speak your first word until your 18th birthday and that word is WELFARE!. |
| Why do Gynecologists retire at a younger age that other doctors? They get tunnel vision! |
| Yo momma's so old, if she's not wearing a bra, it looks like she has four legs. |
| Yo Momma is so fat she sat on Bigfoot and turned him into "Little Toe." |
| It's okay to kiss a fool, and it's also okay to let a fool kiss you. But NEVER let a kiss fool you! |
| Who tows the tow trucks when they break down? |
| -What do you call a dog in a submarine? -A sub-woofer. |
| 1. Iraqi Head Found With Arms 2. Man Loses Toes in Snow, but Timesheet Submitted 3. Crack found on Governor's Daughter 4. Miners Refuse To Work After Death 5. Eight Arms Found In Octopus |
| A recent survey shows that 95% of men admit to pleasuring themselves sexually... and that the remaining 5% are liars!! |
| What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot? A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball! |
| Little Susie was watching her father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" she asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?" |
| "Operator? I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven." "I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?" "Yes. That's what it says on the label - 'Woven in Scotland'." |
| Real friends are those who, when you think you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job. |
| Little Willy was a chemist; Little Willy is no more - For what he thought was H2O, Was H2SO4. Little Willy played with dynamite, Couldn't understand it quite. Curiosity never pays, It rained Willy seven days. |
| If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you -the next time he's in need. |
| Seen on rear mud-flaps of a large truck left mud-flap right mud-flap Passing Side Suicide / ------ ------ \ \ ------ ------ / El Paso El Cruncho |
| El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm and sank 65 times. |
| I joined a health club last year, spent about $400, and haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up. |
| Did you ever watch the Food Network? Ya, they cook stuff that you won't even think about cooking, and afterwards you don't even bother to even remember it. People just sit at home and drool... It's like porno for fat people. |
| Why do cats raise their tails when you stroke their backs? To let you know you've reached the end of the cat. |
| Fe Fe Fe \ | / Fe --*-- Fe / | \ Fe Fe Fe A ferris wheel |
| Of a swimmer Saw four sharks, Off the coast. Three he missed, One almost. Tight Rope Walker Used no net, Knew no fear. Made mis-step, Wound up here. Novice farmer Here lies Clyde, Whose life was full. Until he tried, To milk a bull. |
| JCPenny blowdryer: do not use while sleeping ********** caution: hot chocolate may be hot ********** |
| How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. With all the technology that they have, its a wonder that they still use lightbulbs. |
| Two kids were bragging about the toys they owned. One of them said, "This is Action Man! He's been in Viet Nam, Operation Desert Storm, Iraq - and the vacuum cleaner twice!" |
| Yo momma so fat she needs a boomerang to put on her belt |
| Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off." "I know the feeling," the other says. "No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me." |
| Yo Momma smells so bad that she made an onion cry! |
| What do u call 1 Paki on the moon? Answer: A problem What do u call 10 Paki's on the moon? Answer: A problem What do u call 100 Paki's on the moon? Answer: A problem What do u call all the Paki's on the moon? Answer: Problem solved |
| A man died and went to heaven, he went to the golden gates, and saw God. He didn't know who God was, so he took one look and said, "My god, Who the hell are you?" |
| One summer day a man came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So, he tied her up and went golfing. |
| A guy asks a young blonde woman he's just slept with, "Am I the first guy you ever made love to?" The blonde ashes out her cigarette and replies, "You might be. Your face looks familiar." |
| A bag of Cheetos has a contest. It says "No Purchase neccesary" but the code is on the inside... |
| Yo momma's so dumb, she tells you Yo Momma jokes! |
| You know what would be odd? Some one with a deep, dark voice calls you and says, "I know what your phone number is...heh heh..." |
| Virgin Mobile wanted to sponsor the national team. SAFA (South African Footballing Association) refused to let it happen. They said, "How will it look if the team has Virgin written on their shirts when they get f****d up every other weekend?" |
| The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first. |
| A sandwich walked into a bar and asked for a pint. The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve food." |
| If at first u dont suceed Fuck the world and smoke some weed |
| Today I was thinking to myself, how would my life be different if I was born one day earlier. I said nothing would change except I would have asked myself that yesterday. |
| A black man dies on Halloween; he is sent to purgatory for a year. On the next Halloween, the man sees angels and God. He asked God if he is going to get wings and become an angel. God says, "No nigga, you are going to be a bat." |
| cluckedy fuck, place your order Comment from the Editor: This is an extremely stupid joke and I would advise everyone to give it 0 smileys so that we can rid this world of stoners writing jokes!! |
| Beans, beans, good for the heart. The more you eat, the more you fart. The more you fart, the better you feel. So eat some beans with every meal. |
| Yo Momma's so ugly, the neighborhood kids dressed up as her for Halloween. |
| A man goes to school and learns stuff. |
| Throwing acid is wrong - in some people's eyes |
| What's a specimen? An Italian astronaut! |
| What's a bigamist? A heavy fog in Naples! |
| What's bigotry? What you find in an Italian forest! |
| To find the inverse of a function, you reverse the process. To find the inverse of putting on your socks and shoes, how do you start? Socks first! |
| Yo Momma's so fat, she walks out to work in heels and comes back in pumps. |
| Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!" |
| Why did Julie lose the race? Because Jodie won! |
| Husband walks into his house with a chicken under his arm and says "Honey I want you to meet the pig I've been fucking." Wife looks at him and says "dear, that's a chicken not a pig!" Husband says "Shut up bitch I wasn't talking to you!" |
| I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered all over the world. |
| I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "What do you do at a red light?" I said, "I don't know... look around, listen to the radio... |
| China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. |
| As I was coming back from Canada, I stopped at the border and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I answered, "What do you need?" |
| Yo Momma's so fat, when she put on a pair of Nike's, it spelled out Nickelodeon! |
| You're probably a redneck if.................... During your wedding, when you kissed the bride, your John Deere hat fell off. |
| What do you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? |
| Knock-Knock Why are you knocking? I've got a doorbell. |
| In Arkansas, it is illegal to say the word Arkansas incorrectly. |
| You might be a redneck if all of your good clothes have come from cases of beer! |
| You might be a redneck if at your wedding your tux has a sign on the back that says "sponsored by Bubba's Chicken and Waffles!" |
| When the river runs red Take the dirt road instead! |
| Man, your mom's like the UCLA; every year she gets beaten up by a lot of Trojans! |
| You mom's soooo stupid, she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer! |
| Walking past a veterinary clinic, a woman noticed a small boy and his dog waiting outside. "Are you here to see Dr. Meyer?" she asked. "Yes," the boy said. "I'm having my dog put in neutral." |
| How Men Are Like Dogs * Both take up too much space on the bed * Both have irrational fears about vacuuming * Neither tells you what's bothering him * Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut * Neither understands what you see in cats |
| Why was the little pointy-eared boy down in the dumps? He had low elf-esteem. Why does Santa Claus come down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him. |
| How many elves does it take to change a light bulb? Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to give him a boost. |
| On the first day of her vacation, a woman fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, "Why couldn't this have happened on my last day of skiing?" He looked up. "This IS your last day of skiing." |
| When she put on makeup it's just like water, comes straight off. |
| I use to eat natural foods, but then I found out that 65% of all people die of natural causes. |
| Sadly I will never be able to join a nudist colony..=[ My mother always told me not to point!! =] |
| How do you know if a family tree is a redneck's? The family tree goes straight down. |
| Yo momma's so old, she doesn't need a history book. |
| What was the last thing NASA heard before apollo 13 crashed? Let her drive. |
| Policeman: "Lady, I'm arresting you for prostitution." Woman: "I'm not selling sex, I'm selling condoms with a free demonstration." |
| You are a big animal that is big. |
| What's worse than 10 babies in one dumpster? 1 baby in 10 dumpsters. |
| How do you keep a Michigan State Player out of your yard? Set up a goal post. |
| byuuyntfifgjrfnbrft9tn ...told you so. |
| How do you confuse an Irishman? Line 4 shovels up against a wall and tell him to take his pick. |
| Why did the Irish people jump on the bartender? He said, "The drinks are on me." |
| A pregnant woman was taking a shower and her three year old daughter said,"Mommy, you're getting fat!"And the mother replied,"That because a baby is growing in my tummy."To which the daughter said,"Yeah,but what's growing in you butt?" |
| Speak your mind out when you're angry. You'll make the best speech you'll ever live to regret. |
| Knock knock? Who's there? Madame. Madame who? Madame foot is stuck in the door!! (My damn foot is stuck in the door.) |
| Knock knock. Who's there? Cows. Cows who? No, owls hoo, cows moo. |
| Yo momma so ugly when i punch her she looks better than before. |
| Yo momma's so fat that when I take a picture of her and hang it on the wall, it still falls down! |
| What did Margie say about her brain surgeon? "I really gave him a piece of my mind!" |
| Why should you look out for a pig that knows karate? It might give you a pork chop! |
| Movie stars are a reel treat! |
| How did Alfo make a quart of juice from 3 oranges? It was a tight squeeze. |
| This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor. The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?" The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change." |
| In Clinton, Alabama, it is illegal to molest your automobile. Now how would you go about doing that? And how would your automobile testify against you? |
| What do you get when the post office burns down? A case of black mail. |
| What do Gorillas Sleep on in fruit orchards? Apricots. |
| Why does Tommy run around the school track 98 times every day? He has a run track mind. |
| How does a rodeo star get around? With a cattle-act. |
| What happened when Ray Johnson fell off the Empire State Building? Now everyone calls him x-ray. |
| Why did the Quiz Show give away $10,000 plus one banana? They wanted the prize to have appeal. |
| Woman's guide to sex: Lay there and pretend to enjoy the experience and when it is done tell your partner it was the best you ever had. Man's guide to sex" In, Out repeat if necessary! |
| What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me I'm going in! |
| Two gay guys are having sex. The penis says to the asshole "you think you have it bad, I'm up to my nuts in shit over here!" |
| How does the butcher introduce his wife Meat Patty |
| Yo Momma is like a TV; Even a 4 year old could turn her on. |
| Yo Momma so poor she found a ciagarette on the ground and said, "Honey, we got a fire tonight!" |
| You are not as stupid as you look. That would be impossible. |
| "What shall we play today?" Cori asked her best friend Judy. "Let's play 'school'!" said Judy. "Okay," said Cori, "But I'm going to be absent." |
| Yo momma so old, she was at the afterparty when Moses brought down the Ten Commandments. |
| Yo momma so stupid, when Moses brought down the Ten Commandments, she said, "Where's the ketchup?" HINT:commandments condiments |
| Yo Momma so ugly, she walks down the street and a little boy says,"look Mommy, there's Shrek!" |
| A guy in a restaurant says to the waitress, "I want a cup of coffee without cream." The waitress comes back a few minutes later and says, "I'm sorry, but we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?" |
| Beaverton, OR- You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm. Portland, OR- People may not whistle underwater. |
| A fool and his money are soon partying. |
| When does running mean walking? When you're running out of gas! |
| Q. What do you call Asians swimming in a pool? A. Cornflakes |
| Time may fly, but does it have wings? |
| How many Russian leaders does it take to change a lightbulb? We don't know. Russian leaders don't last as long as lightbulbs. |
| Yo momma is so ugly, that when she was born the doctor smacked her butt and his hand melted! |
| Conserve water. Shower with a friend. |
| Yo momma so fat she sank Atlantis! |
| Im not on my period... I just dont like you :P |
| What if there were no hypothetical situations? |
| You can pick your friends, You can pick your nose; But you cant pick your friends nose.... What true words....! |
| "Apparatus" is a fancy word for thingy. |
| What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose them a house trailer. |
| A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours. A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds. |
| A shark is the only animal that can blink both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. A crocodile cannot move its tongue. |
| There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. There are more chickens than people in the world. There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins. |
| 2,500 left handers die each year using products designed for right handers. Most people hear better with their right ear. Animals that lay eggs don't have belly buttons. Honey bees are the only insects that create a form of food for humans. |
| Baboons were once trained by Egyptians to wait on tables. A queen bee can lay 800-1500 eggs per day. The Popsicle was invented in 1905 by an 11-year-old boy. "Disco" means "I learn" in Latin. |
| The first TV network kids show in the U.S. was "Captain Kangaroo." Before 1687 clocks were made with only an hour hand. There are towns named Sandwich in Illinois and Massachusetts. Caterpillars have over 2,000 muscles. |
| The first typewriter was called the "literary piano." Frogs can't swallow with their eyes open. A duck's quack doesn't echo. August has the highest percentage of births. |
| Why do you Drive on the Parkway but Park on the Driveway? |
| Yo momma's so fat, that when she went to the doctor, he did an ultrasound test. |
| One day, a six year old blonde came up to her mother and said: "When I grow up, I want to be a Hillary Duff, she's amazing!" lol, only a blonde would say that. |
| What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one in-a-million chance of becoming a human being. |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? To go to the other side! Why did the Mexican Chicken cross the Border? To get to the U.S. |
| What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? A dry Martinez. |
| If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? K9P. |
| What goes oh oh oh? Santa walking backwards |
| How do you make the number 1 disappear? Add a "g" to it and it's "gone" |
| How does the barber cut the moon's hair? E-clipse it |
| Why did the blond cross the road? I don't know. Neither did he. |
| Did you hear about the blonde who went shopping for lip-gloss just so she could pass the make-up exam? |
| What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg? Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money. |
| Why is revenge sweet, but payback is a b*tch? |
| Age 1: You don't piddle in your pants Age 4: You can walk without help Age 21: You can drive Age 60: You can drive Age 70: You can walk without help Age 80: You don't piddle in your pants |
| 90 percent of people in Idaho say, "Oh shit!" when in a car wreck, The other ten percent say, "Hold my beer and watch this shit!" |
| Santa:Oye, you know once, when I was very young, I jumped from the 20th floor of a building. Banta: Then what happened? Did you survived or die? Santa replied: "Oye, I forgot, that was years ago". |
| Why did Tom throw butter outside the window? Because he wanted to see the butter-fly. |
| Yo momma so fat, when she get in the elevator, u know, its Goin Down! (does motorcyle dance) |
| Something to text to your friendz The police found a body with no brain, fucked up teeth, a small dick, and a swollen asshole Just called to make sure you are okay I was worried |
| What happens when a lion roars? Tom n Jerry starts! |
| Baby Brother Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother says, "Heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "Geez, I can see why they threw him out." |
| I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. |
| What's the most dangerous insect? The hepatitis bee. |
| a = b, b = c, a = c. Math Teacher: If a = b and b = c then a = c. Now give me the practical example of this principle from real life. Student: I love you, sir, and you love your daughter, which means I love your daughter. |
| Then there was the dyslexic robber who held up the bank with a gnu. |
| How do you confuse a frog? Put it in a round bowl and tell it to take a nap in the corner. How does a frog confuse you? When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better! |
| What is the difference between you and a ho? The ho is smarter. |
| Yo momma is so fat when she got into the UPS truck they had to change the name to DOWNS |
| What breaks up a redneck orgy? When mom and dad/uncle arrive home too soon. |
| You might be a redneck if you carry more than two extra tires in the back of your truck. |
| You might be a redneck if you were married in a laundromat. |
| You might be a redneck if you eat cotton candy more than three times a week. |
| You might be a redneck if the only thing you inherited from your father was alcoholism. |
| You might be a redneck if both you and your wife wore ponytails on your wedding day. |
| You might be a redneck if there is a four-wheeler parked in your bedroom. |
| You might be a redneck if you think that "home security" means taking the front steps to your trailer with you when you leave the house. |
| You might be a redneck if your bar tab has page numbers. |
| You might be a redneck if you constantly call the feed and seed store to see if the cat has had her kittens yet. |
| You might be a redneck if your father-in-law said that you had no class, so you spit at him. |
| TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of 'COINCIDENCE?'" STUDENT: "Sir, my mother and my father got married on the same day, same time." |
| Teacher: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots ! Student: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home |
| Game Set Match = Tennis Set Match Run = Arson |
| Yo momma so fat that when someone asked her for her weight, he replied with, "I asked for your weight, not your phone number." |
| If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. |
| How you get rid of grey hairs: 1. Dye all your hair the color grey. 2. Shave your head. 3. Now you have no grey hairs. |
| Yo Momma's so stupid, that I told her to do the robot, and damn! Now R2-D2 got AIDS! |
| Which dog doesn't have a tail? Hot dogs, of course. |
| Q: If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... A: Does that mean that one enjoys it? |
| On the other hand you have five fingers. |
| Some people have friends who are dwarfs, not me I have a friend who is a midget dwarf. He is the guy who poses for the sport trophys |
| Women like silent men - they think they're listening. |
| And then there was the glass-blower who got hiccups and made 764 marbles. |
| Do you know what to say when someone is trying to roast you? "Sorry, but my brain doesn't interpret stupid." |
| Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?" Billy: "No comb, Sir." Teacher: "Use your dad's then." Billy: "No hair, Sir." |
| Yo Momma's so old, she babysat Yoda!! |
| Little Tommy was telling his friend Billy all about his Christmas presents. "My daddy bought me a mouth organ. It's the best present I've ever had." "Why?" "Because my mummy gives me extra money every week if I don't play it." |
| Man: Why do you have a steering wheel in your crotch? Other Man: My wife was driving me nuts |
| I invented a cure for amnesia - but I've forgotten what it is! |
| Yo momma's so fat that her roller blades went flat. |
| Sorry I'm late... I had to walk down stairs... since yo momma took up the entire elevator and it broke. |
| 1. Chuck Norris beat the brick wall in tennis. 2. The boogy man does not wait for chuck norris, Chuck Norris waits for the boogy man. |
| One employee asked another, "How long have you been working here?" The second said, "Ever since the boss threatened to fire me!" |
| This is true! In a speech George W. Bush made in 2001 he concluded: But all in all, my wife and I have had a wonderful year! (2001 was the year that the Twin Towers were destroyed) |
| How can you tell the difference between a blonde and a red head? Hair color. |
| How do you get pikachu on a bus? You pokemon. |
| What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig? Jurassic pork! |
| One man solved his problem of too many visiting relatives by borrowing money from the rich ones and loaning it to the poor ones. |
| What's the difference between the Library of Congress and the House of Representatives? In the Library of Congress you're not allowed to lick the pages! |
| A teenage boy with spiked hair, a nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them." |
| Two fat men took part in a marathon. One ran in short bursts, and the other ran in burst shorts. |
| A fat woman and a slim woman were both smoking cigarettes; which one finished hers first? The fat woman - she takes bigger draws. |
| We all know that Hilary Duff dyed her hair blonde, but the turning point when she actually BECAME a blonde was in a song she wrote. It was the following: "When the light is off then it isn't on." From the song "So Yesterday." |
| Don't think of yourself as a zero, think of yourself as the number below one. |
| Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy! |
| Knock-Knock Who's there? Idaho. Idaho who? I da hoe!!! |
| A man hated the Trojans. He loved USC. Why? He hated using Trojan condoms. He wanted to have sex the o'natural way. |
| Why did Richard Nixon become President? Everyone called him Dick! They judged him by his name! |
| How do you know when you've had enough sex? When you die from AIDS! |
| "This storm is bad," Bob thundered. |
| A book never written: Becoming a Better Artist by N.O. Creativity |
| A book never written: L.O.L. (lots o' logs) by P. Lumyum |
| A book never written: Yellow Rivers by L. O. Tsoftea |
| A teacher is telling her class she has two words that will not be allowed to use. Teacher: There are two words which I will never let you use. One is gross and the other is cool. Student: So what are the words? |
| How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb? The whole team - and they each get a semester scholarship for it. |
| Here is a book never written. Extinction is Distinction by Dinah Soar |
| What bird can't fly as high as you can jump? A bird in a cage. |
| Which candles burn longer, the candles on a girl's cake or a boy's cake? No candles burn longer. They all burn shorter. |
| A blonde goes into a newsagent's office and asks for her usual paper. The newsagent says, "Did you know your paper is going to cost more from tomorrow?" "In that case, I'd better buy ten more of today's!" |
| Yo momma is so dumb I told her to do an essay and she went and fucked a mexican... |
| How many George Walter Bushes does it take to change a lightbulb? Luckily, only 2. The world can't handle many more idiots. |
| How do you tell when a lawyer is well-hung? When you can't fit your fingers between the rope and his throat. |
| How many Microsoft Employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they'll just make darkness the new industry standard! |
| What does playing the bagpipes and throwing a javelin blind-folded have in common? You don't have to be very good at either to get a lot of peoples' attention. |
| Does anyone know why I have nightmares? Because the last man that had a "dream" got shot. |
| 1) In Bettendorf, it is illegal for liquor stores to place advertisements for beer outside the store. 2)In Mount Vernon, a person first must obtain written permission from the City Council before throwing bricks into a highway. |
| A good marriage would be between a blind woman, and a deaf man. |
| Wal-mart is planning on opening fifty new stores in areas that are blighted. Ironically, the official definition of blighted is what happens to an area when Wal-mart opens a store nearby. |
| Jack: Why did you name your pig Paris Hilton? Jill: She's always trying to hog up all the attention. |
| Yo dadda liked women until he saw yo momma. |
| This is funny |
| You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Henny Youngman |
| Why does a dog have fur? 'Cause if he didn't he'd be a little "bare"! |
| What's the difference between a black man and a large pizza? -------------- a large pizza can feed a family of four What do sperm and black men have in common? -------------- only one in a million work!! |
| What do you call a drive-by shooting in Chinatown? A cappuchino. |
| Yo momma's so stupid, when you asked her for an evening gown, she came back with a night dress! |
| How many snobby girls does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them, they try, break a nail, and come crying home. |
| What's a bunny's favorite type of dance? Hip Hop! |
| Where do whales go to get their teeth checked? To the orcadontis! |
| Why was Johnny's math book sad? It had too many problems! |
| One day after a birthday party at the jumper house, a young blond told her mother: Mommy, Mommy, I'm soooooo generous! When I was about to go into the jumpers, I found so many shoes and took them to the lost and found! Aren't I soooooo generous? |
| Hey this is not a joke. Just submit a full smiley just for the heck of it. Wouldn't it be weird if the top joke wasn't even a joke? So please, just give it a full smiley. If you think this is just stupid, then, please give this crap a zero smiley. |
| Joe: What are you doing? John: Taxes. Joe: Why? John: Because I have to...... Joe: That's stupid. I did mine over a year ago. |
| A guy was walking around town with a frog growing out of his head. Another man walks up to him and ask him, "What happened to you?" The frog answered, "Well, it started as a wart on my ass." |
| Knock- Knock Who's There? Kenya Kenya Who? Kenya eat me out? |
| Bob: I'm going to go ride my spaceship. Jack: What's a spaceship? Bob: Dunno, I'll go invent it. |
| Two jackrabbits are running from a pack of coyotes they manage to hide under a cactus. One says to the other: "Should we run for it, or wait till we outnumber 'em?" |
| A lovely young lady named Kim Went down to the river to swim A man in a punt Stuck an oar in her eye And now she has to wear glasses. |
| How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool. |
| A young boy asks his dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son; that's confidential!" |
| jkfsh |
| "Did you hear that TGI Fridays is opening a new restaurant?" "Yeah, it's called WTF Mondays." |
| Why did the blonde dance in front of the traffic light? Because she thought she was in a disco. |
| Girl: "Have you ever been caught been wearing your mother's bra? Boy: "No!" Girl: "So you have worn them but not been caught?" |
| The GOP Congress will re-introduce drilling for oil in the Arctic. Republicans say the environmental effect is minimal; a study shows caribou do not make campaign contributions. |
| Joe: Hey Frank, what do you call an Iraqi on a plane? Frank: Hmm, terrorist bomber? Hell on air? Death on two wings? Joe: No, a pilot you racist! |
| Bob: Did you get the tickets? Fred: What tickets? Bob: To the Gun Show! Well, let's see now, I think they're both pretty good, but...this one has it! |
| Bob: How do you keep a turkey in suspense? Willie: I dunno. Bob: I'll tell you later... |
| Ah...all the good things we get out of electricity: the T.V., computer, coffee machine, lights, and much more. What happens when the electricity goes out? You stop complaining that you can't watch T.V. or send an E-mail, and go buy battery-powered things! |
| There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog. |
| I knocked several times, but you weren't in. - Opportunity |
| If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95. |
| If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery. |
| If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less. |
| If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education! |
| Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days, without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end. |
| Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river. |
| A student said to Professor Stigler: "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award." |
| My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. |
| From Harper's Magazine: Amount of pizza eaten each day in U.S. (acres): 75. |
| On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack. |
| Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter." |
| This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said: All signs metric - Next 20 miles. |
| Knock-Knock Who's There. Pick up. Pick up Who? Pick up your truck and I'll grab the money. |
| After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. |
| A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. |
| Don't lend people money...it gives them amnesia. |
| A boy comes home from school saying, "3rd grade math has way bigger numbers than 2nd grade!" His dad replies, "Don't worry, when you start getting a paycheck they get smaller again." |
| If you use your rollaway tool box for your bedroom dresser. If you are afraid to mow your lawn because you might find out where Grandma's been for the last two months. |
| All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way. |
| Any wire cut to length will be too short. |
| Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. |
| Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. |
| Yo momma's so ugly when she walks in a room mice jump on chairs! |
| Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty of it. |
| The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh... |
| The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work. |
| It's not what you say, but the way you say it. On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes." The girl was very flattered. What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock." |
| One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow. |
| There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot. |
| No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would. |
| Policeman: "When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, `fifty-five at least.'" Woman driver: "Well, you are a long way off! It's this hat that makes me look so old!" |
| There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything you know. |
| Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? - G. Gordon Liddy |
| You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes. |
| You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time. |
| If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. |
| Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you. |
| Four teenagers were arrested in the parking lot of a large mall in Lakeland, Fla. just before Christmas. In an attempt to steal an automobile at random, they tried to break into a police van containing three officers on a stakeout. |
| The song, "Yankee Doodle" was originally sung by British soldiers to insult the colonialists (which was typical of the British in those days). The Continental Army took to singing it to annoy the British (which was typical of the colonialists). |
| So, what did one Bowling pin say to the other Bowling pin? ............................ Hey, you're a knock out! |
| Did you hear about the magic car? It turned into a driveway! |
| How many Price Chopper employees does it take to wash a table? Three; one to wash it and two to supervise. |
| If I'm canoeing up a tree, how many cupcakes does it take to get to the moon? None, since vests don't have sleeves. |
| How many Hubluzas does it take to screw in a lightbulb? There is no lightbulb! |
| I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west." |
| As the plane was flying low over hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?" "Just snow," replied the stewardess. "That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece." |
| Buy company, fire them. Beware of machine guns. |
| Good friends are the ones who will bail you out of jail. But... TRUE friends are the ones who wil be sitting next to you in prison and say, "You know, we sure messed up there, buddy!" |
| How does a sperm bank treat its donors? On a first come, first serve basis. |
| Yo momma is so fat and so pale white, when they landed on her they said "This is one small step for man, and one fat leap for mankind!" |
| A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. "Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman. "Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice. "You're under 21," replies the barman. |
| Why did the cow cross the street? To get to the udder side! |
| What do you call a one-legged lady? Eileen! |
| Which animal has no teeth? A gummy bear! |
| Yo momma's so stupid she tried to drown a fish. |
| How can you tell an elephant from an ant? An ant is easier to pick up! |
| How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day? She has her tampon behind her ear and she cant find her pencil! |
| Why do bald men put holes in their pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair! |
| Q: How do you know when a blonde is on her period? A: She only has on one sock! |
| How did the aliens hurt the farmer? They trod on his corn. |
| Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing. |
| Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offense. "You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty days' pay," said the officer. "All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money." |
| Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill. |
| Astronomers were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang. Apparently, that sound was "Uh oh." |
| Kid: Mom, can i get the hot lunch tomorrow? Mom: What are they serving? Kid: Swiss steak. Pleeeeeease? Mom: Okay! Okay! I didn't know you liked Swiss steak so much. Kid: Oh, yeah! It sticks to the ceiling WAY better than the lasagna. |
| A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong." |
| What do you get when you cross an eagle with a jeep and a dog? A flying car-pet! |
| Nine cats were on a boat. One jumped off. How many were left? None. They were all copy-cats! |
| I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting larger. Then it hit me... |
| Why was the fish expelled from school? He was caught with seaweed! |
| When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray! |
| When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? |
| The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished. |
| Why did the tent agree to stand up all night? He was roped into it! |
| Why did the big knot give the little knot a time-out? It was being knotty! |
| Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?" Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't." |
| "How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question." |
| What do you call a nun that becomes an attorney? Sister in law! |
| An old man saw a very tired infantryman resting after a hard foot march. The man said with disdain: "When I was of your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile hike." "Well, I don't think much of it either," replied the GI. |
| How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? Into what? |
| Two maggots were playing billiards. One says, "I'm bored." The other replies, "Beats fishing." |
| Why can't a dalmatian puppy hide from his mom? 'Cause he's already been spotted! |
| Haiku are funny But sometimes they don't make sense Refrigerator |
| Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco. |
| To keep your marriage brimming With love in the marriage cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up. - Nash |
| It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. |
| Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject. |
| How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it turned itself in. |
| Five policemen were on a boat. The boat sank. How many policemen died? 10 - five during the accident, and five during the re-enactment. |
| How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs? None. He fell. |
| How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but he is never around when you need him. |
| A father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light, where it wasn't allowed. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" he said. "That's OK, Dad," his son replied. "The police car right behind us did the same thing." |
| Thor: The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth. |
| Q: What is the mating call of a blonde? A: "I'm drunk!" |
| A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here." |
| The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. "Here," he said to the waitress, holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?" "Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked. |
| Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock." She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a child!" He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by eleven." |
| What does NASCAR stand for? Non Athletic Sport Created Around Rednecks |
| Did you hear about the woman who had sex with a donkey? Apparently she liked an ass. |
| How many dicks can a redneck girl take at a time? It depends on how many brothers she has. |
| Yo Mama is so poor she eats cereal with a fork to save milk. |
| Why do the Arkansas cheerleaders wear bibs? To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms. |
| Why don't politicians ever consider being gynocologists? They would have to deal with too much Bush every day! |
| Q. What do elfs learn while in school? A. The elfabet! |
| Knock-knock.. Who's there? Panther.... Panther who? Panth-er no panth I'm goin' thwimmin'! |
| A man stumbles into his house after a night of drinking and is greeted by his very angry wife. "What's the big idea of coming home half drunk?" she yells. "I'm sorry, honey, but I ran out of money," he mutters. |
| This really happened (honest!) A bunch of very young girls arrived at our door at Halloween. My Mum, being friendly, asked them whereabouts they lived, because she hadn't seen them before. They replied, "We live quite near here, where do you live?" |
| There was a child who came back from school one day with loads of cuts and bruises and his bike broken. The concerned mother asked him what had happened. So, the child says "Well, when the fridge landed on me..." |
| This really happened (honest!) A man was receiving death threats from another man, so he took him to court. The judge threw the case out on the basis that "the threats obviously hadn't been carried out." Really, how stupid can you get? |
| A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed. The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer. "Would you hold my hand?" |
| There was a blond walking down the street, and she saw an empty coke can on the floor. So she picked it up and handed it to lost property. |
| Yo momma so fat, she ate 100 cakes yesterday and got thinner. |
| Chapstick is selling a new product in England. It is the regular Chapstick with Viagra added to the formula. Englishmen like it because it helps them keep a stiff upper lip. |
| Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a quiet smoke. Jack returned with lung cancer and Jill a fatal stroke. |
| A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker. "I win!" said Johnson. Henderson threw down his cards. "That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!" "How can you tell?" Phillips asked. "Those aren't the cards I dealt him!" |
| If four people are standing under an umbrella and the umbrella has a hole in it, how many people are getting wet? None. It wasn't raining! |
| When you have a fat friend, there are no seesaws, just catapults. |
| What you don't want to hear on an aeroplane: "You can't leave us now Captain, not at this stage!" |
| Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox? A: About five drinks. |
| Why is it dangerous to go in the jungle after 5 p.m? Because elephants jump out of trees after 5 p.m. Why do beavers have flat tails? Because they go in the jungle after 5 p.m! |
| Is the reason they make oriental flavored noodles for Americans to get back at them for eating our dogs? |
| The Blonde walked into a bar. The Brunette used the door. The redhead actually OPENED the door, and the Asian actually WENT THROUGH the door. |
| Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: SSCCRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHH...thump. We shall never know... |
| Yo mama so dirty that she was banned from a sewage facility because of sanitation worries! |
| Q: Where does a blackbird go for a drink? A: To a crow bar. |
| With what kind of bread do elves make their sandwiches? Shortbread! |
| 365.25 days on a low-calorie diet - 1 lite year |
| Clones are people two. |
| Yo momma so stupid she copied someone in an exam and got less than them. |
| What's the hardest thing about rollerblading? Telling your parents that you are gay. |
| When the media askes George Bush a question about the war he says, "Uhh, Can I use a life line?" |
| Marriage "Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" - Rita Rudner |
| "You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends." - Scott Ostler |
| "While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was." - Unknown |
| So I said to the taxi driver, "King Arthur's Close." He said, "Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights." - Tommy Cooper. |
| So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said, "It depends where you're calling from." |
| I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter. - Tommy Cooper |
| It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown - and fewer still to ignore someone completely. |
| I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else. |
| Joseph, Mary and their son were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, "Did you call me?" "No, I'm sorry," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer again." |
| Abraham wanted to put Windows Vista on his computer, but Isaac was concerned: "But father, we don't have enough memory for that!" "Don't worry, son, God will provide the RAM." |
| A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." |
| "If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits." |
| How can you be sad when you are at the Sunshine Happiness Parade of Friendly Friends? |
| Redneck Threats: - I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtalk style. - This'll jar your preserves. - Don't you be making' me open a can o' whoop-ass on yaw! |
| Redneck Compliments - Cute as a sack full of puppies. - If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it. - Gooder than grits. |
| Why is Alabama the smartest state in the U.S.? It has four "A"s and a "B". |
| If you think I'm a redneck tell that to my kids: Bobby Sue, Buck, Jim Bob, Bubba, Enus, Jed, Dwayne, Billy Bob, Clitus, Dale, Otis, Coy, Bo, Hattie, Cooter, Wade, Larlene, Clint, Delmont and Luther. |
| People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death?" |
| Carton of eggs~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ $3 Ski mask~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ $14 Tickets to a Brittany concert~~~~~~ $84 Egging the crap out of America's Pop Princess?? PRICELESS |
| What do you call a group of Jew baritones and sopranos singing? Soap opera. |
| Back in the days of old, Before condoms were invented, Knights wrapped socks Around their cocks, And babies were prevented. |
| A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," the defendant replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant, "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one." |
| Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it. |
| You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom. |
| Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. |
| When a girl needs advice, why can't her brother help her? Because he can't be a brother and assist her too. (And a sister too!) |
| Why shouldn't you take a Pokemon in the shower with you? Answer: Because it'll Pikachu! (peek at you...) |
| Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?" |
| What's the difference between a bird and a fly? Well, a bird can fly . . . |
| I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs. Sam Goldwyn. |
| Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'" |
| What does the dentist of the year get? ..A little plaque. |
| Q. How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None. It's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark. Don't worry about me... |
| How can a person living in Minnesota be buried in Milwaukee? |
| I passed my ethics exam. Naturally, I cheated. |
| A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" "That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight." |
| An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old-fashioned. I wouldn't be surprised if this tree gave you less than twenty pounds of apples." "Wouldn't surprise me, either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree." |
| The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday. |
| Any time four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. |
| Don't argue with an idiot. He may be doing the same thing. |
| Do not try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked "petite" and hold on to the receipt. |
| Knowledge cannot enter the head via an open mouth. |
| Astronomy is looking up. |
| Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to fine art. |
| Join the fight against brutality. |
| Helen Waite is our credit manager. If you want credit, go to Helen Waite. |
| Why isn't there a tax on stuff I DON'T like? |
| As a shepherd you herd your sheep into your barn. As you walk away you hear two wolves in the barn. What do you do? I would get the flock out of there! |
| The following is something actually said by my dad. I wanted to see what my dad would say if I said I might be gay, here was his reaction. YOU'D BETTER NOT BE!! EVEN IF I HAVE TO BUY YOU SOME PUSSY, YOU WILL NOT BE GAY!!!!!! |
| Marble is a valuable building material and should not be taken for granite. |
| As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. |
| Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. |
| ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! |
| I learned French in six easy liasons. |
| When a man wants to believe something, it doesn't take much to convince him. |
| Earlier today, I took a glimpse at the news. They were doing a report on a new recipe for twinkies. Now they will taste healthier, but still have the same amount of calories, because of course, people can taste health. |
| "They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers. |
| Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. - Socrates (470 - 399 BC) |
| The Democratic National Committee finally released thousands of pages of financial disclosure information. Says Vince Vieceli, "Unfortunately, they released them from a third-floor balcony in New York during the parade for the Yankees." |
| (Told You So) |
| "Do you want me to give you a knuckle sandwich?" "Sure, but I want it cut into triangles and with the crust peeled off." |
| Seems Paris Hilton is having visits from a speech therapist - she's having trouble finishing a sentence! |
| Grocery List; (noun) A piece of paper you spend half an hour writing, and then forget to take with you to the store. |
| Lipstick; (noun) On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear! |
| Foreign Film Any movie shown in a Texas theater that isn't a western. |
| Battle Where a whole lot of white men kill a few Indians. Massacre Where a whole lot of Indians kill a few white men. |
| Magazine Bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue. |
| If Henry IV were cloned, would he be Henry V, or Henry IV Jr. or, would he be Henry IV Part II? (Willy Wagstaff, more usually known as William Shakespeare) |
| Another Month Ends: All Targets Met, All Systems Working, All Customers Satisfied, All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic, All Pigs Fed and Ready to Fly. |
| If I travelled to the end of the rainbow, As Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me, The pot's at the other end. |
| An elephant is talking to a hippopotamus, and the elephant says, "You know, there's nothing worse than a cold in the nose." The hippo says, "Oh yeah? Did you never have chapped lips?" |
| "Cleanliness is next to Godliness" Why do they say that? I looked it up in the dictionary, "goggles" is next to "godliness"; cleanliness is next to claustrophobia. |
| What sits on a window sill, hums, and dies mysteriously 91 days after you bring it home? - An air conditioner with a 90 day warranty. |
| Why do melons get married in church? - Because they cantaloupe. |
| There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving. They'd be wrong, but you could still use them. |
| Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law - A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. |
| Murphy's Law of Cable TV If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. |
| Remember the Golden Rule He who has the gold makes the rules. |
| Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it any more. |
| Just when you find something you really like, they stop making it. |
| Prudhomme's Law of Window Washing It's on the OTHER side. |
| President Bush toured parts of Missouri that were devastated by a recent tornado. There was one awkward moment, when the President looked at the tornado damage and said, "Don't worry, we're going to get whoever did this." |
| 1. Aquariums + Gratitude = FISH THANKS! 2. Orange Bear + A Ghost = WINNIE THE BOO! 3. Saint Nick + A Grizzly Bear = Santa Claws! 4. Skunk + Kangaroo = STINK-A-ROO! |
| People who want to inform you of their religious views almost never want to hear yours. |
| Anybody can win. Unless, of course, there happens to be a second entry. |
| Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. |
| A person soon learns how little he knows when a child begins to ask questions. |
| The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it. |
| All things are possible - except skiing through a revolving door. |
| How can you tell if a redneck is married? There are tobacco stains on both sides of his pickup. |
| A 6'4" man hit a midget in the rear while at a red light. The midget gets out of his car and comes up to the man and says, "I'm NOT happy!" and the man replied, "Which one are you, then?" |
| A bachelor asked his friend to find him the perfect mate: "I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities." Without thinking, his friend replied: "Marry a penguin." |
| The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. - W. C. Fields. |
| My grandson is four and can recite the whole Gettysburg Address. Abraham Lincoln couldn't do it until he was fifty-four. - Sam Levenson. |
| Quick - Cheap - Good Pick 2. - Dennis Robertus. |
| America is a land of untold wealth. - Internal Revenue Service. |
| John always bullied Pat, so Pat invited him to the meat factory. The next day, on the menu at McDonalds, there was a new thing called: Bully Big Mac, and John french fries. |
| Three gay guys where swiming in a pool, some white stuff floats to the top, and one of the gay guys screams, "Alright, who farted!" |
| What is a Mexican's favorite sport!? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Cross Country |
| Yo momma is so poor, she hangs the toilet paper out to dry! |
| What do you call a woman with no asshole? Divorced. |
| It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt. - Abraham Lincoln. |
| Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Alva Edison. |
| A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say, "How to Build a Boat". - Steven Wright. |
| "Do you like the new car Alice and I just bought?" Tom asked onerously. |
| Why shouldn't you tell a secret around a clock? Because time will tell. |
| Want to hear a really big joke? JOKE! |
| Want to hear a backwards joke? ekoj |
| What starts with 'P' and ends in 'orn' : Popcorn |
| What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl? A cock that stays up all night! |
| The next time you are having a bad day, imagine this: You are a Siamese Twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder is gay. You are not. He has a date coming over tonight. You only have one ass. |
| SPERM 1: Are we EVER going to reach the egg? SPERM 2: Stop moaning, we've only just passed the tonsils. |
| What's the differance between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The Taste... |
| Did you hear about the eyeglasses maker who moved his shop to an island off Alaska and is now known as an optical Aleutian? |
| What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer? A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge. |
| Four gay guys walk into a gay bar and they find a problem. There's only one stool left. One guy says "Lets flip for it" But another says "No, Lets flip it over" |
| Knock, Knock Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No, silly! Cows go moo! |
| In North England: 'mornin' In West England : How ya doin' In India : Get up you lazy chit. Don't you need to go to work ? |
| Your phone's network is changing plan. The uglier you are the cheaper your calls. From now on all your calls will be free. |
| You might be a teacher if you have an overwhelming urge to nod and say, "Now I understand why your kid is the way he/she is," after meeting the parents. |
| How are a bowling ball and a sorority girl alike? You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they'll always come back. |
| There's a fella in a fast-food outlet, and he's just received his order of 7 hot-dogs, 9 Big Macs and 6 large Cokes. The counterhand says, "Would you like a tray?" The customer replies, "Steady on, haven't I got enough to carry already?" |
| Q: Why are cannibals such great improvs? A: They keep feeding off each other. |
| Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. The guitarist holds the bulb and the world revolves around him! |
| Q: Why do blondes smile when lightning strikes? A: They think they're getting their photo taken. |
| If you are in darkness, then pray to God. If you are still in darkness, then go and pay your electricity bill...... |
| Get to the ledge of the plane. Then, you will do the following: 1.Squat 2.Pray 3.Leap 4.AHHHH! (It's what you scream on the way down, isn't it?) 5.Touchdown Yes sir, thats S...P...L...A...T In other words, SPLAT! |
| Just when you are finally happy with your life and eveything going on in your life.... You get married and ruin it! |
| Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. Copper is a brown-red color, correct? This is scientific evidence to back up blonde jokes! |
| Hopeless Romantic. Seeking: Filthy Whore |
| I saw this sign in a bar a few years ago. A camel can go eight days without a drink - but who the hell wants to be a camel. |
| Fool me once shame on you Fool me twice shame on me Fool me thrice you are not nice Fool me four times and I am gonna cap your sorry ass. |
| What is black and red? An ape going down a hill! |
| You never know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. But if you walked a mile in their shoes wouldn't their feet get cold? |
| A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7". |
| Q. How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French? A. I give up. |
| Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? A. Nobody knows. It's never been tried. |
| Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? A. The French Army. |
| Q. Why was the Chunnel built under the English Channel? A. So the French government could to flee to London. |
| Q: Did you hear about the new French tanks? A: They have 5 gears...4 in reverse, and one forward gear just in case they're attacked from behind! |
| Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender. |
| Q: Why do they have trees in Paris? A: So the Germans can march in the shade instead of the sun. |
| Q: Why is good to be French? A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you. |
| Q: What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army? A: To say "I surrender" in German |
| Why was Jesus not born in France? Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin. |
| Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts? They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks . . . They are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags. |
| Q: Where are the brave French soldiers buried? A: There aren't any so they had to bury some of ours on their soil. |
| We're here on the airport, where a group of people have just arrived after being stranded on an island for more than a year. |
| You're so ugly... that when your mom dropped you off on the curb for school, she got fined for littering. |
| My friend said, "Can I hang out with you?" I replied in a choking voice, "I have a spare noose in the closet." |
| Once a bird pooped on me, so I threw it back. |
| "Michael Vick shouldn't go to jail for dog fighting." "Why? It's a crime." "Well, it's one thing to fight your friends or someone at a bar, but it's your dog. You should be able to fight him if he gets in your face." "What?" |
| "I started a new band called The Chimes" "What kind of band?" "Acapella Ska" "What do you play?" "Drums" |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Kentucky Fried was on the side he was leaving from. |
| What do you get when two blonds fight? A Stupid Fight. |
| How did the parasite cross the road? It hopped on the chicken! |
| What's better than roses on your piano?? Tulips on your organ! (two-lips) |
| Post rejected Braingle brain teasers here. |
| I once heard a cretin tell his friend that all cretins are liars! Did he lie though? |
| A lawyer goes in to the cell where his client is being held. "Okay, I've some bad news, and some good news." "Right, what's the bad news?" "It's DEFINITELY your blood at the scene of the crime." "So what's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is way down!" |
| A boy was working on circumferences for homework when his mother came in and said, "Do you want some pie?" The boy replied, "Sure." So the mother was saying "3.141592..." over and over and then said, "Want some ratio?" |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_24.txt |
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| @@ -0,0 +1,621 @@ |
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| Teacher: Jimmy, use the word "handsome" in a sentence. Jimmy: Handsome gum over will ya? Teacher: No, no, that's not right. You have one more chance. Use the word "gladiator" in a sentence. Jimmy: A monster ate my sister and I'm gladiator. |
| I Hate you you hate me barney gave *****(1) H.I.V so we kicked them in the balls and shot her in the head now that *****(2) bitch is dead anii stars ***** men add someones nae or add an adjective to fit i.e - *****(1)fred *****(2)ugly |
| I believe in making the world safe for our children. But not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. |
| Q: Why do Hondas and Hyundais have standard rear-window defoggers? A: So your hands don't get cold when you're pushing them. Q: What is the difference between a Porsche and a Porcupine? A: With a Porsche, the pricks are on the inside. |
| Q: What do you call people who use condoms? A: Parents. |
| Fuck hubluza! |
| A Wocka user has average joke comedy 2.5, but he doesn't get the smiley. Why can it happen? Because his average joke comedy is between 2.495 and 2.5, which is rounded up to 2.5. |
| "Yo Momma is so fat that when she entered the elevator and pressed the 'up' button, the elevator went down!" "Oh yeah? Yo Momma is so fat that she can't even fit in the elevator!!" |
| Knock-knock Who's there? Giraffe Giraffe who? Giraffaggot! |
| A little girl was sat in science, when she wet herself. She goes to her teacher and says "I've wet myself". The teacher asks "Why didn't you put your hand up?" She replies "I did, but it just ran down my hand!" |
| Yo Momma is so smelly that when she entered a pig sty, all the pigs had to evacuate... |
| You might be a redneck if... The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle. |
| You might be a redneck if... You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can't remember how old your children are. |
| You might be a redneck if... You are having marital problems because your wife never lets you win at arm wrestling. |
| ...you have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape. |
| ...you carried a fishing pole into Sea World. |
| ...a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack. |
| You might be a redneck if... You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three primary colors. |
| ... you have an above-ground pool and you fish in it. |
| ...you've ever had to have a wrecker pull your car out of a pothole in your driveway. |
| ...you think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood". |
| ...your screen door has no screen. |
| ...you cut the grass and find a Car. |
| ...if you refer to the fifth grade as, "your senior year". |
| You might be a redneck if... You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor. |
| You might be a redneck if... You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport. |
| You might be a redneck if... Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end." |
| You might be a redneck if... You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived. |
| You might be a redneck if... The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath. |
| You might be a redneck if... You're 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party. |
| You might be a redneck if... You can talk for more than 20 minutes on the difference between squirrel and rabbit stew. |
| My grandfather invented the rear-view mirror. Made millions - hasn't looked back since! |
| If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL. If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT. If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL. If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE. |
| Some useless inventions: 1) A waterproof teabag 2) A swimsuit store in the North Pole 3) Sugar free, fat free, taste free chocolate 4) A parachute that opens on impact 5) An ejector seat in a helicopter |
| Yo momma is like the internet; she's worldwide. |
| Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet. "Johnny," she says, "what comes after 'O'?" Johnny says, "Yeah!" |
| The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of her will after her long-awaited death. "Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent before I died." |
| News just in - the drummer tripped over the cymbals, and hit his head. The hospital spokesperson said, "He'll be all right in a couple of days; he's just suffering from percussion." |
| One night a couple was in their room and the woman had just performed amazing oral on her man. He asked her where she had learned how to do it like that. She than said to him, "It took some practice but your dad finally taught me how to do it right." |
| Person A: Why did the chicken cross the road? Person B: Is this a trick question? |
| Sign outside a watch-maker's shop; Watch batteries fitted. |
| Sign outside a Chinese restaurant: Try our curries, you'll never get better. |
| I found this attached to a halloween scythe: BE SURE HEAD IS ATTACHED BEFORE USE. |
| What's green and runs round the garden? The hedge! |
| "I'm very sorry sir, but I don't have my homework with me- I left my bag on the bus." "Well done! A+" |
| Yo Momma so fat you can slap her ass all day and not slap the same place twice!. |
| Who was the most complaining woman in the bible? Mary, because she got on Joseph's ass and rode it all the way to Bethlehem. |
| What do call a crying alien baby? An Unidentifyed Crying Object! |
| What part of music is the part you'd better not try to sing? Refrain! |
| What is a musician with real high morals? Virtuoso. |
| Who composed the Unfinished Symphony? Sherbet. |
| What was the principal singer of nineteenth century opera called? Pre-Madonna! |
| Fill in the blank: The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing _________. Yesterday. |
| Can you decipher this phrase? U P Broken up! |
| Can you decipher this phrase? Weather Cast Cast Cast Cast Weather forecast! |
| What does this represent? W A T E R Waterfall! |
| Can you decipher this phrase? A R M S Open arms! |
| Les chères léchèrent les chairs. |
| Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? |
| Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? |
| Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? |
| Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? |
| If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? |
| Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? |
| Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? |
| Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? |
| Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? |
| In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? |
| Why do you never hear father-in-law jokes? |
| If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife/girlfriend told you to do it? |
| And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you. |
| "Hey Sean, I've got a job lined up for you, can you turn up tomorrow, about tenish?" "Tennish? I don't even have a racket" |
| What's the difference between man and life? Life is always hard. |
| Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. Well, bring me the winner then. |
| Waiter, this plate is wet. That's your soup, sir. |
| Look here, waiter! How long must I wait for that half-duck I ordered? Until somebody orders the other half. We can't go out and kill half a duck. |
| Customer: I see you have gravy on your menu today. Waiter: Yes, sir. What would you like to have? Customer: A clean menu! |
| Mother: Did you eat all the cookies. Tom? Tom: I didn't touch one. Mother: That's strange. There's only one left. Tom: That's the one I didn't touch. |
| Wife: One more word, and I will go back to my mother! Husband: Taxi! |
| What does this represent? WRIST WRIST Tourists! (two wrists) |
| Can you decipher this phrase? DOG THE The underdog! |
| Can you decipher this phrase? SMOKE G Go up in smoke! |
| Can You Decipher This Phrase? H I L L Downhill! |
| Can you decipher this phrase? TTTTTTTTTT Tent. |
| Can you decipher this phrase? LINE = End of the Line! |
| Yo mama so short that you can see her feet on the driver license. Yo mama so ugly that when she was born the doctor slap her parents. Yo mama so dumb that she sat on the tv and watches her wheelchair. |
| Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost my finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like this...Damn! There goes another one!" |
| yo mama so hairy and fat, that when she went to a museum they yelled "the mammoth's alive!" |
| yo mama and daddy r so fat, half the world went to ur mom, the other to ur dad. |
| wat do u call a female dog? |
| did u have a pussy around ur head? |
| I would like to take this opportunity to announce that I am the proud father of an 8 pound 7 ounce baby boy. Boy, is my wife gonna be mad when she finds out! |
| Seen on a bumper sticker: "IF CLINTON IS THE ANSWER, THEN IT MUST BE A STUPID QUESTION." Seen on another bumper sticker: "CLINTON HAPPENS." |
| If a couple in Arkansas get married, move to Washington, then move back to Arkansas, are they still brother and sister? |
| Racing through the snow a onewarde southern sleigh, all the way we go bahing through the trees, the snow is turning red, I think i'm almost dead, all the children laugh and play around my stupid head! |
| Velcro - what a rip-off! |
| Dogs crawl under fences...Software crawls under Windows95. |
| Scanning for viruses...Windows95 found...Please delete. |
| Double your drive space...Delete Windows95. |
| Friends don't let friends use Windows95. |
| If at first you don't succeed...work for Microsoft. |
| Turn your Pentium into a gameboy...Type "WIN" at the prompt. |
| Windows95...the best $159 Solitaire game you can buy. |
| Activate your own virus... type "WIN" at the prompt. |
| The best way to accelerate Windows is through one. |
| The minister's car wouldn't start, so he called the garage. When the tow truck driver arrived, the minister says, "I hope you go easy on me. You know I'm only a poor preacher." "Yep," replied the tow truck driver, "I've heard you preach." |
| Yo' momma so fat that you gotta be Clifford the Big Red Dog to hit it doggystyle! |
| Yo momma is rated 'E' for everyone. |
| What is a pirate's favorite food? Taco Bell's cARRne asada. |
| What did the chicken say to the bully? Why don't you peck on someone your own size? |
| According to the Institute of Incomplete Research, 7 out of 10 people are |
| When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers. When we get married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from? |
| When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets. |
| The Christian missionary was making his first visit to a tribe in Borneo. The missionary asked the chief, "Do you people know anything about religion?" After a pause, the chief answered, "We got a little taste of it when the last missionary was here." |
| What's invisible and very frightened? A ghost with the sheet scared out of him. |
| You are young and beautiful, have 2 university degrees, and are fluent in 3 languages. You have long blonde hair, long legs and a killer smile and you want to earn a salary no less than 100 000$ per year. That's nice. But we need a plumber. |
| How many amoebas does it take to change a light bulb? 1. No, 2, no, 4, no, 8, no, 16, 32, 64, 128 . . . |
| How many movie stars does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he takes one step up the ladder and then his stunt double takes over! |
| BLONDE #1: I found some jokes about us blondes online. They're inaccurate! They make us look- BLONDE #2:Ugly? BLONDE #3:Fat? BLONDE #4:Lazy? BLONDE #5:Mean? BLONDE #1:No, stupidly funny. |
| An elderly couple was having a conversation, and the wife asked her husband a simple question :- "Boxers or briefs?" Her husband replied :- "Depends." |
| 2. Australia Version A recent survey in Australia asked the following question: Are there too many foreigners in this country now? Answer: 18% said: YES 82% said: معهد الأمن العالمي بوا! شن |
| Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime. Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day. Set a man on fire, he's warm for the rest of his life. |
| I asked my girl-friend what she would like for her birthday, and she said she would like a green jumper. So I bought her a frog. |
| The judge read the charges, then asked: "Are you the defendant in this case?" "No, your honor," replied Tommy. "I've got a lawyer to do the defending. I'm the person who did it." |
| There were some kids playing hopscotch and they were allowed to skip so when the winner was on 8 it went straight to 10 |
| There once was a President who had a law that evryone had to laugh once a hour or they spent an hour in jail. |
| Give me food and I will live. Give me water and I will die. What or who am I? (Scroll down) A fire |
| Policeman to woman he's just stopped for speeding - "As soon as I saw you coming round the corner, I said to myself, 'Must be 55 at least'." "It's this dress, officer - it always make me look older!" |
| What do you call an intelligent, good looking and sensitive man? A rumour |
| "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time in reading it." - Moses Hadas. |
| Soccer Coach: Why didn't you stop the ball? New Goalie: I thought that was what the net was for! |
| Brad: I have to take three courses in college; French, Spanish, and algebra Chris: Okay, let me hear you say hi in algebra. |
| Larry: Yo momma so old her birth certificate said expired! Jerry: You know, at least I have a mom! |
| Brad: Chad, how does Sherlock Holmes sneeze? Chad: A clue ! A clue! |
| Teacher: Justin if I had ten tennis balls in one hand, and twelve in another what would I have? Justin: Huge hands sir |
| Yo momma is so ugly she made a blind person cry!! |
| The oldest Yo Momma joke in the book: Yo momma so fat that she's fat. |
| I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that there is no bad news. The bad news is that there is no good news. |
| Yo Momma so fat when she peed in China, she made the Yellow River! |
| Because Lexus created the park it your self car many Mexicans lost their jobs. |
| A blonde girl comes into her dad's room and tells her dad... Amanda: Dad, I'm glad you named me Amanda. Dad: Why? Amanda: It's because that's what everyone calls me! |
| Ryan: Hey Philip, what's that on your leg? Philip: A shoe! Ryan: Gesundheit! Philip: No, you idiot, a shoe! Ryan: No need to thank me, gesundheit! |
| A dog goes up to a man with a pizza and starts whining for some. Man to Owner: Can I throw him a bit? Owner smiles proudly: Yes. The man picks up the dog and throws him on the ground. |
| Larry: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great Fall? Mary: Because he had a bad summer. |
| Mom: Jimmy, did you pick up your room yet? JImmy: No mom, it's too heavy. |
| A blond finished his English exam and came out. His friends asked him how did he do in his exam; he replied, "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, thought, thought ... and at last I wrote THUNK!" |
| Teacher: What is 5 plus 4? Blonde: 9 Teacher: What is 4 plus 5? Blonde: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure. The answer is 6!!! |
| How many moves, at least, are required to stalemate in chess? Nineteen moves. 1.h4 h5 2.c4 a5 3.Qa4 Ra6 4.Qxa5 Rah6 5.Qxc7 f6 6.Qxd7+ Kf7 7.Qxb7 Qd3 8.Qxb8 Qh7 9.Qxc8 Kg6 10.Qe6 |
| How many moves, at least, are required to checkmate in chess? Four moves. 1.f4 e5 2.g4 Qh4# |
| How many diagonals does an N-polygon have? N(N-3)/2. |
| What is 60 divided by 1/3rd? Read carefully. If you think it's 180, then you're wrong! The answer is 20. 3rd is 1/3. 1/3rd is 1/(1/3), and therefore 3. 60 divided by 3 is 20. |
| 20 = best score in lowball bowling. |
| 162 = worst score in golf. |
| 72 = best score in golf. |
| In the school the biology teacher asks the class a question. "Where is an elephant's sex organ?" Little Johnny, "In his feet ma'am." Teacher, "How come?" "If he steps on you, you're fucked." |
| The government has recently issued a statement saying that 18.9 percent of all statistics are false. |
| Aron: Throw all of your fish in the air. Jake: Why? Aron: So I can tell my mom I honestly caught them. |
| Cinfuscious says : It is nice to meet a woman in the park but is better to park meat in a woman. |
| Patient: Doctor, doctor, I know a person who is an owl. Doctor: Who? Patient: Now I know two. Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?" Nurse: "No. Is it missing?" |
| Sean: I've finally cleared my mind! Dean: Does your new one work? |
| What's round and hard and sticks so far out of a man's pajamas you can hang a hat on it? His head! |
| How many ventriloquists does it take to change a light bulb? Two - one to change the light bulb, and one to holg ge gottong og ge lagger. |
| Who is the greatest prostitute in history? Ms.Pacman For 50 cents she'll swallow balls until she dies. |
| Knock knock. Who's there? Poop! |
| Can You Decipher This Phrase? R R A Y Y X-ray! |
| Fill in the blank: The one who says it cannot be done should never _________ the one who is doing it. Interrupt. |
| Can you decipher this phrase? HOT HOT HANDLE HANDLE Too hot to handle! |
| Can you decipher this phrase? E L G G U R T S Uphill struggle! |
| Can you decipher this phrase? M L I K Milk shake! |
| Fill in the blanks such that the second blank is the reverse action of the first one: The famous musician Mozart ________ symphonies when he was alive and __________ after he died. Composed and decomposed. |
| Please answer yes or no to this question. Is your answer "no"? Hint: This is under trick, remember. Answer: Yes or no. |
| Can You Decipher This Phrase? B SAI Bonsai! B (on) SAI. |
| Can You Decipher This Phrase? knee light light Neon lights! |
| What is represented by this? HEAR T Broken heart! |
| What is represented by this? T N O R F O T Back to front! |
| What is represented by this? WOWOLFOL Wolf in sheep's clothing (wool)! |
| What is represented by this? R E N N U R Runner up! |
| What is represented by this? heart heart heart Heart-to-heart! |
| What is represented by this? STEPPETSPETS One step forward, two steps back! |
| What is represented by this? EGASSAM Back massage! |
| What is represented by this? DO WN Broken down! |
| What is represented by this? Way One Way! |
| What letter comes next? D, L, M, M, J, V, ... S. The letters are the first letters of Spanish days of the week, domingo, lunes, martes, miercoles, jueves, viernes, sabado. |
| My pal is addicted to brake fluid - but he says he can stop any time he wants. |
| Started a great book the other day - I couldn't put it down. It's called "The History of Glue"! |
| Jenny: How did the turtle cross the freeway? Forrest: I don't know. Jenny: Take the 'r' out of 'free'. Now, take the 'f' out of 'way'. Forrest: There's no 'f' in way! |
| Any horizontal surface is soon piled up. |
| What does a dog do in your backyard that you don't want to step in? Dig a hole. If you step in the hole, you might twist your ankle! |
| "I'm having trouble with this new hearing aid," said the man to his audiologist. "Really? Can you describe the symptoms?" "Sure. Homer is fat and yellow, Marge has blue hair..." |
| A Blonde walks into an electronic store. A saleswoman goes up to him and introduces a washing machine. Saleswoman: Sir, this machine in gurantee to do half of all your laundry. Blonde: That's nice, I'll take two. |
| Did you hear about the thieves that broke into the United Jewish Appeal offices? They got away with over a million dollars in pledges! |
| Put the characters C - D - I - M - L - V - X in the right order - but not alphabetical. I - V - X - L - C - D - M. Roman numerals. |
| Which word is the odd one out? seventy brawl clover proper carrot swing change travel sacred stone Carrot. Each of the other words remains a real word if you remove the first and last letter. |
| Can You Decipher This Phrase? P E T S Step up! |
| Can You Decipher This Phrase? cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat Catch 22! (22 cats). |
| Can You Decipher This Phrase? B O N E S Broken bones! |
| Can you decipher this phrase? lookkool Look both ways! |
| Can You Decipher This Phrase? pu Back up! |
| 10=D in a M 10 decimeters in a meter. |
| 10=E on B 10 editors on braingle. |
| Can You Decipher This Phrase? R U N Run down! |
| Can you decipher this phrase? W O R K SEESAWS Overseas work! |
| Can You Decipher This Phrase? QQQQQQ No excuse. There is no X listed, but there are some Qs. |
| Can you decipher this phrase? cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat Copy cat! |
| Can you decipher this phrase? SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME SCHEME Pyramid scheme! |
| Can you decipher this phrase? ED CROWD Over crowded: [CROWD over ED]. |
| Can You Decipher This Phrase? E E Y E E D D Cross eyed! |
| 1 C A and 4 H A in a M M 1 carbon atom and 4 hydrogen atoms in a methane molecule! |
| Woman: I did something special today. Man: What? Woman: I rode on a hippo. Man: Surely you musn't be kidding. Woman: Yes I'm not kidding and don't call me Shirley. |
| What is a chicken's favorite type of joke? The human who crossed the road!!! |
| What's Hitlers least favorite planet? 'Jewpiter' |
| How do you get 100 jews into a car? Throw a quarter in it. How do you get them out again? Tell them Hilter is driving. |
| A man walks into a restaurant, and asks the waiter: Man: Waiter, how much is a cup of coffee? Waiter: 50 cents, sir. Man: How much are refills? Waiter: They are free. Man: That's nice, I'll have a refill, please. |
| How do you know you have a queer Jew? He likes money more than girls. |
| Have you heard about the Jewish sports car? It stops on a dime, then picks it up |
| Whats the object of Jewish football? To get the quarter back. |
| Why did the Jews walk around the desert for 40 years? They heard that someone dropped a quarter |
| What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall? He breaks his nose. |
| What's faster than a speeding bullet? A jew with a coupon. |
| What's a Black Priest called? Holy Shit! |
| Father: "So you want to be my son-in-law, do you?" Boyfriend: "Not particularly, but since I want to marry your daughter, I haven't much choice!" |
| Two executives were talking in the executive washroom. "My wife says I don't display enough passion. Imagine the audacity! I think I'll send her a memo!" |
| Always keep several "get well" cards on the mantle. That way, if unexpected guests arrive they will think you have been sick and unable to clean. |
| The discovery that Bush's resting heart rate is 43 has led some observers to speculate that this is the first time we've had a president with a heart rate that matches his IQ. |
| Asked by his teacher to compare three presidents Johnny thought for a moment and said: "Well, George Washington couldn't tell a lie. Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth. And George W. Bush can't tell the difference." |
| Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, "Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!" To which David replies, "Of course he does, you tell him everything." |
| The best way to end a war is to surrender. |
| This is the worst joke ever. Give it no smiley face. |
| This is the best joke ever! Give it a full smiley :) :) :) :) |
| A wig factory was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen. Police are combing the area. |
| Pete and Mick were in court and standing before the judge. "Why can't this case be settled out of court?" the judge asked. Pete looked up at the judge and said, "That's what we were trying to do, your honour, when the police interfered." |
| A masked man all of a sudden gave a beggar 1 million dollars. Man: Why did you give me so much money? Masked Robber: I steal from the rich and give to the poor. Man: I'm rich! Masked Robber: Okay give me all your money. |
| A girl named Zoey goes up to an artist and asks him to paint a picture of her face. "But Miss Zoey, if I paint a picture of your face then I can never be an artist again." "Why?" she asked. "Because if I look at your face too long, I will go blind." |
| 16 more white keys than black keys on a piano. |
| 8*4 = worlds in super mario brothers. |
| Beijing = Capital of China. |
| 8 = planets in solar system. |
| X-axis + Y-axis + Z-axis + time = 4 dimensions. |
| 7 + 7 + 7 = Jackpot! |
| 3.6 = coulombs in a milliampere-hour. |
| A A A A K = biggest 4 of a kind. |
| Natrium chloride = table salt. "Natrium", from which the symbol "Na" derives, is the German word of "sodium". |
| Can you decipher this phrase? B BUSINESS BUSINESS A C K Getting back down to business! |
| Can you decipher this phrase? ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ 2 Mistletoe! (Miss L two.) |
| Can you decipher this phrase? RU[color=red]E[/color] Are you ready: [R U + red E]. |
| Can You Decipher This Phrase? DEINPTH VESTINIGATION In depth investigation! |
| Can You Decipher This Phrase? BALLBBALLABALLSBALLKBALLEBALLTBALL Basket Balls! |
| Can you decipher this phrase? T T T U I U L P L I T I P O P S E S Tiptoe through the tulips! |
| Can you decipher this phrase? FORWARD Straightforward! |
| Can you decipher this phrase? ONALLE All in one! |
| Can you decipher this phrase? L L I H Uphill! |
| Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles, and lighten your burden." Boy: "That's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles." Girl: "Yes, well, that's because we aren't married yet." |
| I've been out of work for a while, so when I found a job sorting salt and pepper, I was most pleased. The only drawback is that it's seasonal work. |
| YOU'RE READING IT, YOU DOPE! |
| MADE YOU LOOK! |
| Homework... something you go to school hours for and not do. |
| Can you decipher this phrase? MTGG A hungry horse! MT (empty) GG (gee gee = horse). |
| Can you decipher the following common phrase? AND ED Underhanded! |
| Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto. Pluto because it's no longer a planet. |
| What was the last thing that Abraham Lincoln did? He died. |
| 8 protons, 8 neutrons and 8 electrons in an oxygen atom! |
| Can you decipher this phrase? E D O W N D I S Upside down! |
| Can you decipher this phrase? E N U T Tune up! |
| The computer, the greatest invention in life even though it's bad for you. |
| Louis was talking to his friend Pete. "There's nothing I wouldn't do for my Becky," he said, "and there's nothing Becky wouldn't do for me, and that's how we go through life - doing nothing for each other." |
| Once a blonde decided that she wanted a kid. when she had it she couldnt decide what to name it. she asked around but no one had the right name. some people wanted huga butte and some wanted gatta pee pee. she went with ma hore |
| Yo Momma is stupid that she went hunting for whales in Ohio! |
| Yo Momma's breath is so bad, that when she entered the basement all the rats passed out! |
| Going home on the bus one evening a man was whiling away the time by doing a crossword. Three more men got on the bus at the next stop, and as they passed, one said, "If it's any help to you, 7 Up is lemonade." |
| Knock-knock Who's there It's me. This is not a joke. It's me. This is not a joke. who? Grrrrrrrrrr... |
| "Judi, did you ever try marriage counseling?" Monika asked. "No," Judi snarled. "That stupid dickhead, shit-for-brains, moronic ex-husband of mind would have just told the counselor I was 'insensitive.'" |
| Try this on a friend: Every time you say something, tell the other to say the same thing and add "bait" at the end. Example: fish --> fish bait fish (fish bait) dolphin (dolphin bait) seal (seal bait) I master (I masturbate!) |
| A man goes into a pet store, plants a bomb, and as he leaves, calls out, "You have one minute to get out!" At that, a tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, "You BASTARD!" |
| As part of a class project, the teacher had every student create a model rocket. When she was teaching them about how the rockets lift into the air, some kids seemed to be confused. She scolded them yelling, "It's not that hard! It's not rocket science!" |
| Did you hear about the gay guy that put a Nicotine patch on his penis? He's down to three butts a day! |
| Yo momma is so old, she has toys made in America. |
| 5 = diagonals of a pentagon. |
| 9 = diagonals of a hexagon. |
| 4 = 2+2 |
| 9 = tails of a fox. |
| 2 = special administrative regions in China. (Hong Kong and Macau) |
| Dozen^2 = Gross. |
| 100 = decimeters in a decameter. |
| 101 = keys on a computer keyboard. |
| Jack and Jill went down the hill. |
| Jack = 11 in cards. |
| HWAYETRDETIPZLHV OMNLTESOSHSUZEAE 32. Reading one letter from the top row and then one from the bottom row, the puzzle reads: 'How many letters does this puzzle have'. |
| Can you decipher this phrase? KCAB KCAB Back to back: [i.e. two back(s) - written back(wards)] |
| Can you decipher this phrase? EHCA Backache! |
| Can you decipher this phrase? box box box box box box box box box box box box Shit box box box box box box box box box box box box Shit in the box! |
| Can You Decipher This Phrase? STEP -> A step in the right direction! |
| Meteorologists - People who tell something wrong and still get paid. |
| Period- The thing at the end of a sentence. |
| 1st Stage (0-8)- You believe in Santa 2nd Stage (9-26)- You don't believe in Santa 3rd Stage (27-45)- You are Santa 4th Stage (46-80)- You look like Santa |
| A Blonde explains to another blonde friend: "I failed the driving test. I entered the circle-way and the sign said "30" so I drove 30 times around." And the other one says: "You probably counted wrong." |
| Remove seven letters from this grid to leave two numbers. S F E V E I N L V E T E T F E R O S U R Simply remove 'SEVEN LETTERS' and you are left with FIVE and FOUR: - F - - - I - - V - - E - F - - O - U R |
| What starts with an E, ends with an E and usually contains only one letter? ENVELOPE! |
| Which word is the odd one out: football polo badminton baseball golf tennis cricket billiards rugby Badminton. This is the only sport which does not use a ball, it uses a shuttlecock. |
| Can You Decipher This Phrase? LASE There are two possible answers. Argon laser: the 'R' has gone. Or, jumble sale: the letters of sale are jumbled. |
| Team has no "I" in it, but it does have a "M" and "E" in it, making "me". |
| Politically correct word for dead: Living Impaired |
| Was there any doubt? |
| "I wonder if my friend, Kent as submitted a joke about me saying how brave I am." |
| Would you like some chocolate ice cream and lemonade? Yes? Ok! *shits* chocolate ice cream and *pisses* lemonade!that would be $5.00 |
| There was a nearly-new television for sale the other day. It has a 42-inch plasma screen, and I bought it for $50. The only thing wrong was that there was no volume control - but at that price, I couldn't turn it down! |
| I want to kick the guy who invented the snooze button...then five minutes later, I'll kick him again. Thanks Andrew! |
| Little Brother: How long is a strong? Big Sister: Huh? Little Brother: Well, I've heard of a week... |
| Conserve water and electricity, shower with a steamy hot friend. |
| A blonde's boyfriend, planning to stop at the bakery says, "I'm going to go pick up a blondie. I want a smoking hot fresh one." The blonde replies, "Well, then we're over. Go ahead and get a new girlfriend. A nice blondie!" |
| Yo momma so fat, she cut herself and bled gravy! |
| Yo momma's lips are so big, she made Angelina Jolie jealous! |
| Philip is telling his friends about his recent divorce. "Yes, it's true. Sylvie divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn't have any." |
| Yo momma's breath smells so bad, her teeth duck when she yawns! |
| Yo momma's so ugly, you can press her face in some dough and make gorilla cookies! |
| Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry. |
| Yo momma so ugly the plastic surgeon sued her. |
| Yo momma so ugly she made a mime scream. |
| Yo momma so ugly they renamed "Halloween" "Yo-momma-ween". |
| You perverts.. |
| What color is red? True or false? |
| I went for a 5 mile run today. 2 laps around yo mum! |
| "Tomorrow is a boiling hot day, at 10 degrees Fahrenheit. The day after that is the same temperature, as well as the next and the next. Won't these temperatures ever cool down?" |
| "Ciao amico, desidero comprare un mazzo di banane." "Il compagno spiacente, questo è un farmacista." |
| When my pap was younger, his family didn't have much money. One year for Christmas, his mother cut a hole in the front of his underwear so he would have something to play with. |
| knock knock, who's there animal animal who? animal i kin git lots of stuff iffn i have ta money |
| Inside i could hear a lot of bass noise pumping. I went outside to see what it was and i found out it was a drummer practicing. I went inside and told my family that the player made a mistake and said dammit. My brother said "I wonder which band it was?" |
| Two people were at a bar resting when one said, "I wish I was God." The other said, "Are you mad?" And the other says, "How could you say such a thing?" and the reply is, "I don't want to have to lose all of Buddha's fat!" |
| I'm a nobody and nobody is perfect - therefore, I am perfect. |
| Knock Knock Who's there? Boo Boo who? I don't know, but stop your crying! |
| An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head. "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for?" says the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now." |
| Teacher: John, where are the Great Plains? John: At the airport. |
| What do you call a dog in the sun? A Hot Dog! |
| Little Willy, full of hell, Threw his sister in the well. Their mother said when drawing water, "It's so hard to raise a daughter." |
| A child named Bob was running through the neighbor's garden. "Hey!" shouted the neighbor, "I thought I told you not to let me catch you here again!" "Right!" replied the boy, "and you haven't caught me yet!" |
| A boy walks home an hour late to class, the teacher asks him, "Why are you so late?" The boy replies, "I stopped two boys from beating each other up." The teacher says, "That's very nice; how did you do that?" The boy says, "I beat them both up!" |
| A boss of a computer company walked up to one of his workers. "You're fired!" exclaimed the boss. "I didn't do anything!" replied the confused worker. The boss, happy with his answer, says, "I know. That's why you're fired!" |
| Mr. Lwin was staring at the cage in the zoo, watching the great cat pace back and forth. "I wonder what the tiger would say if it could talk," he said to the zookeeper. The zookeeper replied, "It would probably say, 'Hey dummy, I'm a cheetah!" |
| "Hey," says Jim, "this match won't light!" "Strange," says Ned,. "It worked okay this morning." |
| Yo momma so fat that when I wanted to take her picture I had to back up so far that I ended up in China. |
| Definition of alien-people from another country. |
| Route 66 says to the country road: Hey, man, you straight? Country road says: Heck no, I'm a byway! |
| I was reading an article yesterday that was talking about the University of Michigan. They referred to it as MU. This got me to thinking.... What do they call the University of Florida? |
| What's a Mexican called when he's covered in dirt? A churro |
| Q: What do you get when you cross an anteater and a monkey? A: I haven't a goddamn clue. |
| If ham is Canadian bacon, then what the heck do you Canadians call bacon? |
| One professor says your IQ measures how much you know. A scientist says your IQ measures how much information you are capable of learning. All I want to know is how long it will take me to get with your sister. I mean DAMN! |
| 10. Horton Hears a Ho 9. National Pleasure 2: Book of Secretions 8. I Am Legend...In Bed 7. The Suck It List 6. I Know Who Drilled Me 5. Scat-Atouille 4. Gush Hour 3 3. No Country for Old Balls 2. Alvin in the Chipmunks 1. Iron Man |
| The teacher told one kid, "You're going to flunk this subject because you haven't finished your homework assignments." The kid said, "Good. I flunked all the other ones because I'm stupid." |
| Yo momma so fat she turned her Nike Shox into "Shocked Nikes" |
| Q. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's day? A. Regular Rocks are too heavy! |
| There was a blonde in Wal-mart and she went up to a man. The blonde said, "Hi! Do you know what IDK means?" The man said, "I don't know." Then the blonde said, "DARN! Nobody knows!" |
| There were three men at a bar. One of them ducked and the other two fell down because they hit the bar. |
| There was a coconut tree and 4 animals. 1. A Elephant 2. A Monkey 3. A Tiger 4. A Mouse Which one of these animals is going to climb up the tree to get the banana? NONE! "There was a COCONUT TREE" "...the tree to get the BANANA" |
| BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH!BLAH! |
| Liners |
| I'm so good that even yo momma cheers for me! |
| Q: How many Clowns does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Paid Clowns - 5 Boys in school - 1000 |
| "Daddy, there's a man knocking on the door with a beard!" "No wonder I didn't hear him!" |
| They're fat |
| Why do you go to a black person's yard sale? To get your stuff back! |
| - I want to give you something. - That's what your mom said to me last night. |
| - What's your dad doing? - Your mom! |
| - What do you wanna do next? - Your mom! |
| - I told you to knock before you enter my room! - Your mom. |
| - What did you have for dinner last night? - Your mom. |
| - What did you have for dinner last night? - Your mom. - ...and for dessert? - Your mom. |
| Painter: "Y'are a dog." Apemantus: "Thy mother's of my generation. What's she, if I be a dog?" |
| Demetrius: "Villain, what hast thou done?" Aaron: "That which thou canst not undo." Chiron: "Thou hast undone our mother." Aaron: "Villain, I have done thy mother." |
| See that X? That's your mum that is. |
| Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A. The same as the number of men, you sexist bastard! |
| How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow! |
| A Kerryman emigrated from Ireland to England, thereby increasing the average IQ of both countries. |
| Why do mathematicians like national parks? Because of the natural logs. |
| What's purple and commutes? An Abelian grape. |
| Gene Pitney dies, and his widow is told that the coffin would take a week if it was made from Oak - but only 24 hours from Balsa! |
| People from Mensa are said to understand any jokes without the need of any explaination. Meaning Mensans will be able to understand this joke here, though it is limpid that there aren't any to be contemplated. |
| The three wise men went to visit Jesus right after he was born. One wise man was extremely tall. He hit his head on the top of the door frame and said, ''Jesus Christ!'' Joseph looked at Mary and said ''Write that down -- that's way better than Clyde!'' |
| A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly." |
| Knock knock. Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it's raining! |
| Why did the chicken do a poo right in front of a hole on a really busy footpath? Because he wanted people to slip on the poo and fall in the hole. |
| What do you call a chicken in a shell suit? An egg! |
| What do you call a chicken? A chicken. |
| Why can't you go to the bathroom at a Beatles concert? There's no John. |
| What does PMS stand for? Potential Murder Suspect |
| Knock-Knock Who's there? Alaska Alaska who? Alaska one more time, open the door |
| Well both the girl and the emo bleed blood and both of them are annoying as hell in the process. |
| A vertical expression of a horizontal desire. |
| Both are attractive cost about $400 for 2 or 12 hours of fun. But right when you're satisfied you get addicted to them, And keep wasting money replacing em. |
| If winners never quit, and quitters never win... Who was the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead". |
| Doctor, doctor. I think I need glasses. You sure do, sir. This is a flower shop. |
| Ok Umm Uhh, Ahhh! Oh well, I just forgot what I was gonna say. Man I'm stupid |
| A kid named Ron lost his mom and dad. He went to the hospital to say, "I wanna baby! Waaaaaaaaaaa!" The nurse said, "You're a male! Males don't have babies! And you're too young!" He died by biting his finger really hard. |
| . . . they only tell who's left. |
| Yo Momma so short, when she saw a set of stairs she said, "I never knew Mount Everest was here." Yo Momma so short, she called a dolls house a set of flats! |
| Yo momma so fat, that when she went on Biggest Loser, she she couldn't get kicked out when she destroyed the stage. |
| Yo momma so fat that, on the airplane, she smothered the person next to her to death - who was on the aisle seat. |
| Me: Do you wanna hear a good joke? Amy: Yes! Me: Me too! |
| How many lightbulbs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 0. No lightbulbs want to torture their own kind! |
| Knock knock. Who's there? Guess. Guess who? What, I don't know. |
| Knock-Knock Who's there? Who's There. Who's there Who? I'm supposed to say Who's there! |
| Knock-knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and answer the door! |
| If you are inventing something, the best way for it to work is to give it a job. |
| The similarity of all the people that live is that they are alive and they are living. |
| If Jesus was born on the computer age, he would just use the internet to spread his word unlike his time, he needs to journey across the world. |
| It is really insulting when someone from the Greenwich restaurant see you eating a pizza from Pizza Hut. |
| I was walking down the road and saw a sign which read, "SIDEWALK AHEAD CLOSED. PLEASE USE OTHER SIDE OF ROAD". Oooh, it made me cross! |
| What's better than going to school? Having play time every day! |
| Why did the limping man sit on a scorpion? He thought that it would be "pinched"! |
| Q: What's a cannibal? A: ÇןdoÇd É¥Ê‡Ä±Ê dn pÇÉŸ s,oÉ¥Ê uosɹÇd É |
| In the morning elephants put springs on their feet and jump around the jungle. Now the most fearsome sound to a monkey is "Boing Boing" |
| Yo Momma so stupid when she heard the doorbell she opened the microwave and said "Hello???" |
| The thing you need to focus on in your 20's is not getting a bad tattoo. You don't want to be 40 and going, "No, dude, it was different back then - everybody loved SpongeBob." |
| I have an 18-year-old; her name is Alexis. I chose that name because if I hadn't had her, I'd be driving one. |
| The reason grandparents and children get along so well is really quite simple: They have a common enemy. |
| Real headline: "Air Traffic Controllers Can Apply for Job in Braille" |
| This guy at work argued with everybody that his pink oxford shirt was actually "salmon." Finally, human resources brought in a grizzly bear to settle the dispute. |
| whats hitlers least favourite planet ? - jewpiter |
| What do Michael Jackson and Speed Racer have in common? They both have a monkey and a small boy in their trunk. |
| Every man believes every woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While a recent sociological study verified this, what men don't realize is that, in women's fantasies, one man cooks while the other cleans! |
| It was often said that if an African American was ever voted in to be the President of the United States, that would be the the day that pigs fly. 100 days after President Barack Obama is in office, swine flu. |
| Maths teacher asks a blonde girl what comes after 69?" Essex girl replies "you wash your face and rinse your mouth DUH...!" |
| How do you know if you have the swine flu? You wake up in pigtails and then break out in rashers! |
| Swine flu may affect your hearing: you could get crackling in one ear! |
| I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it. |
| yo momma is so ugly when she passed a horror movie filming the camera man said "Hey! No breaks, get back on set." |
| Q:Why can peter pan fly? A:Because if you got hit in the peter with a pan you'd fly too. |
| yo momma is so stupid she drowned in the shower. |
| Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table, when one sees a whisk. He says to his friend, "Ooh, what's that?" The friend replies, "Beats me!" |
| Why is a pool table green? Because if someone racked your balls you'd be green too. |
| What's worse than a brunette building a fire under water? A blonde trying to put it out. |
| Y'know - just when I think I've finally figured out women, I wake up! |
| "What I saw, it was burned into my mind forever." "Well, that explains the red markings on your scalp." |
| She was only a whisky maker's daughter, but he loved her still. |
| A special kind of firework with very bright colors and little smoke was accidentally discovered when a man tried to make the atomic bomb safer. That defeats the original purpose. |
| Everyone knows that common phrase, meaning, 'COME ON, I NEED TO GET LUCKY!' Well, whenever I need to get lucky, I say, Daddy needs a new pair o' pants! (Come on, winter is coming!) |
| Jersey girls aren't trash; trash gets picked up. |
| How long does a black woman take to do a shit? 9 months |
| Someone approaches you to say hi and your immediate response is, "You bet I am!" |
| Why aren't there more Kenyans in the Olympics? All the rest couldn't outrun the slave traders! |
| An elderly couple was attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do? He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.' |
| Yo Mamma's so fat when she jumped off the ship a sailor yelled, "Land Ahoy!" |
| I tried for years to snap my thumb and finger together - and suddenly it clicked! |
| How do you shut up a crying baby? Finish the job. |
| Do you think god gets stoned? I do. Look at the platypus! -Robin Williams |
| How can you tell if a blonde has been in your fridge? There is lipstick on the cucumber |
| A police man arrested a MBA marketing girl.... GIRL: I'M not involved in sex COP:Then what are you doing? GIRL: I am selling condoms and offering a free a trial |
| What do you call a black priest? Holy Crap! |
| If I ever need a good laugh....Yo Momma |
| what George W. bush thinks during his cabinet meetings. Hmmm...what does the w stand for? Wait... there isn't even a cabinet in here! |
| The following is a list of the U.S. deaths in certain places. September 11: 2,752 War on Terror: 4,344 We beat ourselves. |
| Knock Knock Who's there? Dennis What is Den? My name is Dennis What is Den? Den is like a mini barnyard or a mini house Oh!Anyways who are you? I am Dennis!! I forgot what den is again. ARGH! |
| What does PPSH-41 stand for? It is:Perfectly and Painfully and Stubborn Hallucination for(4) one(1) |
| Knock Knock Who's there Z Z who? Z taxi is leaving! I don't speak Italian or French or anything of your so-called "Special" Language!*Slams door* |
| How many exciting people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because they are VERY excited, one of them cracks the lightbulb and another throws the screw at their neighbor's house. |
| You'll never guess what just happened! I just got arrested for punching a black woman. It wasn't my fault it was my mom's. We were in Home Depot when she told me to go find a Black & Decker. |
| what did one gay say to the other when they broke up? ''YOU'RE SUCH A PAIN IN THE A*S'' |
| The "bishop" came to our church today The was a fucken impostor He never once moved diagonally |
| Me and my friend were IMing and it was like this... Me:BRB Him: kake Me:heh Him:I LIKE KAKE Me:i like 3.1415926535 Him:Pi >:0 |
| 1 Good Grades 2 Social life 3 Adequate Sleep. Pick Two Welcome to College... |
| Dad, have you got a ladder? Yes; why? I have to write an essay on an elephant! |
| In a recent review, The Weird Gamers rated popular game, Grand Theft Auto IV 3.14 out of 10. They said it was pirated. |
| JOHNNY : Hey billy, you like Fishsticks? BILLY : Yeah... JOHNNY : So, you put Fishsticks in your mouth? BILLY : Yeah why? JOHNNY : What are you Billy, a gay fish? |
| You know how we earn little icons next to our names for the points we get for being active on Wocka? They should do that on Facebook. Only backwards. The longer you are totally inactive, the higher level symbols you get. |
| DMV jokes get old really fast. Unlike the DMV. You have to go through a special line to become old. |
| Good morning is a contradiction in terms. |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! DUH! Aw c'mon, how many times are you gonna fall for this? |
| What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist. |
| A Donkey meets a Buick at the High Road. "Hello car", the Donkey says. "Hello donkey", the Buick replies, when suddenly the Donkey begins to cry. "Oh my" the Buick says. "Why are you crying"? "Well, when i now call you car, you can at least call me horse. |
| How many ADHD kids does it take to change a lightbulb? It takes twenty se- hey, this is in the wrong category! |
| Yo momma is so stupid, that she made a crack on the sidewalk and tried to smoke it! |
| If a fly can fly, can an elephant elephant? |
| I saw yo momma walkin' down the street the other day, with a fat pig under her arm. So, I went up to her and asked, ''Hey, where did you get that?'' and the PIG says ''I won her in a contest!'' |
| How Many ADHD kids does it take to change a light bulb? 1:Let's go ride our bikes! 2:Hey look! A squirrel. |
| Knock-knock? Who's there? Little Boy Blue! Little Boy Blue Who? Michael Jackson! If you don't get it, read the title. If you still don't get it, pm me. If you STILL DON'T GET IT, you're an asshole |
| Jimmy To Billy : You ain't half the man yo momma was. But hey, you ARE half the girl yo papa was. |
| Jimmy: Hey, you momma is so fat, that she fills up Myspace Billy: Hey, yo momma IS my space, your space and everybody's space! |
| These danish chicks flash their hairy armpits, while they catch guys' reaction on candid camera. Scroll in a few minutes - it is hilarious http://www.dr.dk/pirattv/programmer/soestrene-bidsk/soestrene-bidsk-tester-angst-for-haar/ |
| A man was kneeling by his bed, praying. His wife walks in and asks "Whatcha doin'?" The man - once finishing - says "Praying." "Whatcha prayin for?" says the lady. "Guidance." "Don't pray for guidance, pray for stiffness and I'll guide it myself!" |
| You probably know for a fact that Adolf Hitler had only one testicle. And here we say ''You got to have balls to become a leader'' |
| An elderly couple was watching the news when the man farts. The man asks "Was that me, or you?" |
| No cure here. . . . |
| Yo Momma is so old that when she farts, dust comes out! |
| Yo momma is so fat, she's NOT on A Diet. . .she's on two Diets cause one ain't fittin' her well! |
| Yo Momma has afros on her nipples |
| What's the integral of 1/cabin? A natural log cabin. No, a houseboat – you forgot to add the c! |
| If only DEAD people understand hexadecimal, how many people understand hexadecimal? 57005. |
| Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec. |
| Premise I: Knowledge is power. Premise II: Power corrupts. Conclusion: Therefore, knowledge corrupts. |
| What is sin x divided by n? Canceling the "n" yields six. |
| A dozen, a gross, and a score Plus three times the square root of four Divided by seven Plus five times eleven Is nine squared and not a bit more. |
| If 1/(x-8) approaches ∞ as x approaches 8 from above, then will 1/(x-3) approach ω as x approaches 3 from above? |
| The Englishman and the Scotsman both walk into a bar. The Irishman ducks under it. |
| An Englishman, a Scotsman and a rabbi walk into a bar. The rabbi stops and says "I think I'm in the wrong joke." |
| You know you're addicted to wocka when your friends say something funny, and you cry out ''LOL, LOL'' instead of actually laughing out loud. |
| What a bullfighter tries to do. (avoid-a-bull) |
| too much to pay for corn ([a] buck an ear) |
| A fashionably dressed big cat (dandy lion) |
| Possessing only ten teeth. (deca-dent) |
| Where people wait for buses. (the-bus-station) |
| live long (die late) |
| Consumption of an expensive meal. (fortune-ate) |
| A flaming elf. (imp-alight) |
| where one places dirty dishes (in the sink) |
| How many Wocka users does it take to change a lightbulb? A: All of 'em. One to hold the lightbulb and the rest to argue if this is funny or not. |
| Italian suppositories. (in-you-end-os) |
| Me not on time. (I-(am)-so-late) |
| A foot. (leg-end) |
| An English tramp. (hobo) |
| In favour of youth. (pro-teen) |
| What trees do in Spring. (re-leaf) |
| how geese fly (in formation) |
| Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? |
| How can you use a banana as a compass? Place a banana on the Berlin Wall. East is where a bite has been taken out of it. |
| In the GDR, at traffic hubs and in front of supermarkets there are "banana machines". You stick a banana in and five Ostmarks come out! |
| A west-german boy to a ddr-boy: Why is the banana curved? The ossie replies: Why, is this curved? (old Hungarian joke) |
| Which three great nations in the world begin with "U"? - USA, USSR, and our (German:unsere) GDR (USA, UdSSR, Unsere DDR). (A play on the way official discourse often used the phrase "our GDR", and also often exaggerated the GDR's world status.) |
| The teacher asks: "Fritzchen, why are you always speaking of our Soviet brothers? It's 'Soviet friends'." Fritz responds: "Well, you can pick your friends." |
| Honecker meets Mao and asks him: "How many political opponents do you have in China?" Mao: "I estimate about 17 million." Honecker: "Oh, that's pretty much the same here." (The GDR had 17 million inhabitants) |
| The teacher asks: "Fritzchen, what is the difference between capitalism and socialism?" Fritz replies: "Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Under socialism, it is the other way around." |
| "The fact that the GDR considers itself as one of the 5 technologically most advanced power of the nations may be be given to the fact that there are only 5 fingers on a hand. " University lecture in Hungary in the 70s |
| "What's the difference between Honecker and a telephone? None! Hang up and try again." |
| Honecker and Mielke are discussing their hobbies. Honecker: "I collect all the jokes about me that are in circulation." Mielke: "Then we have almost the same hobby. I collect those who bring the jokes into circulation." |
| How can you tell that the Stasi has bugged your apartment? There's a new cabinet in it. |
| Two Stasi agents are on a surveillance mission and quite bored. First agent: "Hey, what are you thinking about?" Second agent: "Oh, nothing special. The same as you..." First agent: "In that case, you're under arrest!" |
| Guest: "A cup of coffee, please!" Waiter: "Turkish or filtered?" Guest: "Why, filtered, of course." Waiter: "Then you'll have to bring your own filter paper for now." |
| What's the difference between an HO-sausage and Sputnik? They've officially confirmed that Sputnik 2 had a dog in it. |
| A man was fishing. After a while another angler came to join him. "Have you had any bites?" asked the second man. "Yes, lots," replied the first one, "but they were all mosquitoes." |
| How do you double the value of a Trabant? Fill up the tank! |
| VEB Sachsenring brought out a new Eco-Trabi: Immediately available for delivery, extremely cheap, extremely quiet, extremely environmentally friendly - with electric power train. Small problem: The extension cord is only 20 meters long and not in stock. |
| Did you know they have Knight Rider in the GDR? It's a Trabant with a pocket calculator! |
| Why are there so many bananas in the West? Because the Westerners are descended from apes. |
| What's the difference between a Western necktie and a cow's tail? The cow's tail covers the whole asshole. |
| At the peak of the wave of East Germans fleeing through Hungary and Czechoslovakia in 1989, the persons still staying in East Germany (DDR) were called the "Der Dumme Rest" (the dumb remains). |
| What do you get when you cross an Ossi with a Wessi? An arrogant unemployed person. |
| Q: How can you tell that an elephant is in the bathtub with you? A: By the smell of peanuts on its breath. |
| Q: Why do elephants paint their toes yellow? A: So they can hide upside down in the custard. |
| Q: What did the Dallas chief of police say when the elephant walked into the police station? A: Nothing! He didn't notice. |
| Q: Why do elephants have big ears? A: Because Noddy would not pay the ransom! |
| Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? A: With a blue elephant gun. |
| Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant? A: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant? |
| Q: How do you shoot a red elephant? A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun. |
| Q: How do you shoot a purple elephant? A: Paint him red, hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun. |
| Q: How many elephants will fit into a Mini? A: Four: Two in the front, two in the back. |
| Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini? A: None. It's full of elephants. |
| Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini? A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge. |
| Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator? A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out. |
| Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator? A: You can't close the door. |
| Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator? A: There's an empty Mini parked outside. |
| What do elephants have that nothing else has? Baby elephants! |
| Q: What is brown, has four legs, and a trunk? A: A mouse coming back from vacation. |
| Q: What has eight legs, two trunks, four eyes, and two tails? A: Two elephants. |
| Q: Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly? A: Because if it was small, white and hard it would be an aspirin. |
| Why are golf balls small and white? Because if they were big and grey they would be elephants. |
| Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a plum? A: Their color. |
| If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my Social Studies class; it would seem so much longer. |
| Q: What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming? A: Here come the elephants. |
| Q: What did Jane say to Tarzan when she saw the elephants coming? A: Here come the plums; she was color blind. |
| Q: What is big and grey and comes in quarts? A: An elephant. |
| Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput! |
| Would you hit a woman with a baby? No, I'd hit her with a brick. |
| What has four legs and ticks? A walking clock! |
| Q: How do you keep an idiot busy? A: Have him read this. |
| If you'd like to know how to keep an idiot busy for hours, go to this page: http://www.wocka.com/joke.php?id=17559 |
| The devil is the father of lies, but he neglected to patent the idea, and the business now suffers from competition. |
| Q: Is one permitted to ride in an airplane on the Sabbath? A: Yes, as long as your seat belt remains fastened. In this case, it is considered that you are not riding, you are wearing the plane. |
| Post-Soviet Russia. Rabinovich calls the Pamyat headquarters: "Is it true that we Jews sold out Mother Russia?" In return he hears an affirmation accompanied by antisemitic slurs. "Oh good. So where can I get my share?" |
| We were married by a Reform rabbi in Long Island. A very Reform rabbi. A Nazi. |
| At an Orthodox wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant. At a Conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant. At a Reform wedding, the rabbi is pregnant. At a Reconstructionist wedding, the rabbi and her wife are both pregnant. |
| It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins. Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer. |
| After performing a marriage the rabbi gave some advice to the newlyweds: "The first ten years are always the hardest," said the rabbi. "How many years have you been married?" they asked. "Ten years," the rabbi replied. |
| Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask from a child after all I've done? |
| "Sarah, how's that boy of yours?" "David? Ach, don't ask - he's living in Miami with a man named Miguel" "That's terrible!" "I know - why couldn't he find a nice Jewish boy?" |
| A Frenchman, a German and a Jew walk into a bar. "I'm tired and thirsty," says the Frenchman. "I must have wine." "I'm tired and thirsty," says the German. "I must have beer." "I'm tired and thirsty," says the Jew. "I must have diabetes." |
| Q: Rabinovich, what is a fortune? A: A fortune is to live in our Socialist motherland. Q: And what's a misfortune? A: A misfortune is to have such a fortune. |
| An old Armenian is on his deathbed: "My children, remember to defend the Jews." "Why Jews?" "Because if they are gone, we will be next." |
| An old Jewish man is picked up by the Stalinist police and brought in for questioning: Where were you born?! St. Petersburg. Where do you live?! Leningrad. (menacingly) Where would you like to die?! St. Petersburg. |
| An elderly man refuses to leave for the air raid shelter until he can find his dentures. His wife yells at him, "What, you think they are dropping sandwiches?" |
| Knock, knock! Who's there? Delores. Delores who? Delores my shepherd... |
| Toc Toc! Qui est là? Sheila. Sheila qui? Sheila lutte finale... |
| Knock, knock, knock! Who's there, i' th' name of Beelzebub? Here's a farmer that hanged himself on the expectation of plenty. Come in time, have napkins enough about you, here you'll sweat for 't. |
| Knock, knock! Who's there, in th' other devil's name? Faith, here's an equivocator that could swear in both the scales against either scale, who committed treason enough for God's sake, yet could not equivocate to heaven. O, come in, equivocator. |
| The economy is so bad. . . if the bank returns your check marked ''Insufficient Funds,'' you call them and ask if they meant you or them. The economy is so bad. . . a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. |
| I saw a girl the other day. I didn't like her because she was a butter face. You know 'butter face' - she has a hot body, but her face . . . |
| Knock, knock, knock! Who's there? Faith, here's an English tailor come hither for stealing out of a French hose. Come in, tailor. Here you may roast your gooses. |
| Knock, knock! Who's there? Sobers. Sobers who? Sau baras se khatkhata rahen hain, Ab to darwazaa kholo. |
| Q. How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb? A. You send us the prize money and we'll tell you the answer. |
| An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of joke?" |
| Three blind mice walk into a bar, but they are unaware of their surroundings so to derive humour from it would be exploitative. |
| A performative poet of Hibernia Rhymed himself into a hernia He became quite adept At this practise, except For the occasional non-sequitur. |
| Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind. |
| "Three people of different nationalities walk into a bar. Two of them say something smart, and the third one makes a mockery of his fellow countrymen by acting dumb." |
| This is by me, the asshole who dupes himeself. |
| How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task? A finite number: one to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question. |
| There once was an X from place B, That satisfied predicate P, He or she did thing A, In an adjective way, Resulting in circumstance C. |
| "Big foot is blurry... that's the problem!" |
| "It would be funny if, while performing an abortion, someone yelled 'abort! abort!'" |
| I have nothing to declare except my genius. |
| Race is just a pigment of the imagination. |
| If all those sweet young things were laid end to end – I wouldn't be a bit surprised. |
| Take my wife – please! |
| If it wasn't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. |
| Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur. |
| I have a map of the world... its actual size. |
| The Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it possible to enjoy life to the fullest in the Soviet Union?" The Armenian Radio answers: "Yes, if you like crowded trains." |
| The Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it good to have sex with an open window?" The Armenian Radio answers: "Yes, but with a woman it is better." |
| The Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it true that in Moscow, Mercedes cars are being given to citizens?" The Armenian Radio answers: "Yes, but it is not Moscow but Leningrad, not Mercedes but Ladas, and not given to but stolen from." |
| A man, standing before a censor, is about to testify, whether he has a wife. The censor asks: -Do you have, in all your honesty, a wife? -I surely do, but not in all my honesty. |
| Russian company: You have two cows. You drink some vodka and count them again. You have five cows. The Russian Mafia shows up and takes however many cows you have. |
| You have a million cows. Most of them are illegals. |
| Why does a chicken cross the street? Because it wants to get on the other side! |
| Why should not a chicken cross the road? It would be a fowl proceeding. |
| Why does a duck cross the street? Because it was the chicken's and turkey's day off. |
| Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens weren't invented yet. |
| Why didn't the duck cross the road? To prove he's no chicken. |
| Why did the chicken cross the road halfway? To "lay it on the line". |
| What you humans call 'THE APOCALYPSE', I used to call Sunday Dinner! - Archangel, Gabriel |
| Music Teacher: Anyone has a suggestion to which song we should play next? Johnny: How 'bout we sing 'The Teacher is A Big Fat Bitch. . .in C-Minor?' |
| If your father is a poor man, it's your fate. But, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity. |
| Hw does Battery reproduce? Bi pluging it into Boodler's Giant ass! |
| Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken's feet. |
| Why did the duck cross the road? Because the chicken was on holiday. |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_25.txt |
|---|
| @@ -0,0 +1,213 @@ |
|---|
| Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he's "chicken". |
| What is the difference between a chicken? Neither can ride a bicycle. |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it had no frontal lobe. |
| A heavy-set woman goes into a drug store and asks for talcum powder. The bowlegged clerk says, "Walk this way," and the woman answers, "If I could walk that way I would not need talcum powder!" |
| How does boodler reproduce? By Fucking Battery's fat-Shit-and-cum filled ass |
| Battery Fucked Boodler's ass hard and soft yesterday! Maybe zat explains z growth in z population recently!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 |
| boodler---> kind of sounds like Boob blur! and zats why battery fucks boobler 69 times a day. |
| When I saw that item, I said to my wife, "I don't think spaghetti grows on trees", so we'd looked it up in Encyclopædia Britannica. Do you know, Miall, Encyclopædia Britannica doesn't even mention spaghetti. |
| In America, you can always find a party. In Russia, the Party finds you. In America, you listen to man on radio. In Soviet Russia, man on radio listen to you. In America, you watch television. In Soviet Russia, television watches you. |
| A man was reported to have said: "Nikolay is a moron!" and was arrested by the policeman. "No, sir, I meant not our respected Emperor, but another Nikolay!" - "Don't try to trick me: if you say "moron", you obviously refer to our tsar". |
| You've probably heard: If at first you don't succeed, lower your standards. New Version: If at first you get hit below the belt, lower your belt! |
| A respected merchant Sevenassov wants to change his surname and asks the Tsar for permission. The Emperor writes his resolution: "Allowed to deduct two asses down". |
| Lenin died, but his cause lives on! |
| Rabinovich notes: "I would prefer it the other way round." |
| What a coincidence: "Brezhnev died, but his body lives on." |
| The winter's passed, The summer's here. For this we thank Our party dear! |
| One old bolshevik says to another: "No my friend, we will not live long enough to see communism, but our children... poor children." |
| Will there be KGB in communism? As you know, in communism, the state will be abolished, together with its means of suppression. People will know how to arrest themselves. |
| -How do you deal with mice in the Kremlin? -Put up a sign saying "collective farm". Then half the mice will starve and the others will run away. |
| Abramovich was sentenced to 5 years, served 10, then fortunately was paroled before he served the rest of his sentence. |
| "Comrade Brezhnev, is it true that you collect political jokes?" — "Yes" — "And how many have you collected so far?" — "Three and a half labor camps." |
| Is it true that the Soviet Union is the most progressive country in the world? Of course! The life was already better yesterday than it's going to be tomorrow! |
| Why was Khrushchev deseated? Because of the Seven "C"s: Cult of personality, Communism, China, Cuban Crisis, Corn, and Cuzka's mother. |
| "Leonid Ilyich is in surgery." / "Heart again?" / "No, chest expansion surgery: to fit one more Gold Star medal." |
| "Leonid Ilyich!..." / "Come on, no formalities among comrades. Just call me 'Ilyich' ". |
| The phone rings, Brezhnev picks up the phone: "Hello, this is dear Leonid Ilyich...". |
| "Have you heard it? Brezhnev died!" / "What happened, heart attack?" / "No, short-circuit of eyebrows." |
| "What is the main difference of succession under tsarist regime and under socialism?" "Under tsarist regime the power transferred from father to a son, and under socialism - from one grandfather to another." |
| Today, due to bad health and without regaining consciousness Konstantin Ustinovich Chernenko took up the duties of Secretary General. |
| Q: What is more useful — newspapers or television? A: Newspapers, of course. You cannot wrap herring in a TV. |
| Five precepts of the Soviet intelligentsia (intellectuals): Do not think. If you think — do not speak. If you think and speak — do not write. If you think, speak and write — do not sign. If you think, speak, write and sign — don't be surprised. |
| "My wife has been going to cooking school for three years." / "She must really cook well by now!" / "No, they've only reached the part about the Twentieth CPSU Congress so far." |
| A man walks into a shop and says, "I see you don't have any fish", and the shop assistant replies, "You got it wrong - ours is a butcher: we don't have any meat. They don't have any fish in the fish shop that is across the road!" |
| "Dad, can I have the car keys?" "Ok, but don't lose them. We will get the car in just seven years!" |
| ―Have you heard, Putin ordered the government to arrest the inflation. ―Well, not exactly, he ordered to have it arrested...and jailed. |
| And the beast shall come forth surrounded by a roiling cloud of vengeance. The house of the unbelievers shall be razed and they shall be scorched to the earth. Their tags shall blink until the end of days. |
| And the beast shall be made legion. Its numbers shall be increased a thousand thousand fold. The din of a million keyboards like unto a great storm shall cover the earth, and the followers of Mammon shall tremble. |
| An Irishman, a Scotsman, and an American walk into a bar. The beginning of a cheesy joke? You betcha. |
| As of 11-23-09, my score was 1337. How the hell that happened beats me. I thought I was a crappy joke writer. This is boring isn't it? Thought so. At least it's not a dupe. Or is it... Nope, it's not. Boring as hell, right? Thought so. |
| How dod the person take over the remote? |
| How did the person take over the remote? He asked for remote CONTROLS! |
| Have you ever had those days when your computer fucking sucks? Now you have a poem to say! I'm gonna get some Coke and a snack, This should be FUCKING WORKING by the time I get back. |
| God said "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said "Say please." |
| A Pokemon Trainer walks into a STD help center. The nurse there says "Sorry, but it looks like you've caught 'em all" |
| Doctor, Doctor! I have a virus that makes my left hand constantly butter toast. How can I stop it spreading? |
| Knock-Knock...Who's there?....The Gestapo...The Gestapo, who?.....VEE VILL BE ASKING ZE QUESTIONS HERE!! |
| Two hillbillies just come out of a divorce court. The ex-wife is crying her eyes out. Her ex-husband comes over and says: "There, there Missy, you're still my sister!" |
| Your mum's so fat she fell in love and broke it. |
| Your mum's so fat, she jumped for joy and got stuck. |
| When was the price of milk the highest? When the cow jumped over the moon. |
| What is red, black, has ten eyes, and crawls? I do not know but it is on your head. |
| Yo mama is SO fat that the amount of food she eats for dinner could feed ALL the Ethiopeans for a year! |
| Yo mama is so dumb each time she hears Obama's name on tv she throws her hands in the air + ducks for cover Yelling OH BOMB A WHERE?!?!?! |
| why did hitler kill himself? because he saw his gas bill |
| they says theres safety in numbers? tell that to six million jews! |
| Knock-knock Who's there? Someone Someone who? Someone who cuts of during mid sen . . . |
| A black man and a Jew jump off a building; who wins? Society. |
| why are black people getting stronger? tv's are getting bigger |
| How many country singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1 to screw it in, and 3 to write a song about it. |
| What did the farmer say when his truck disappeared? Where's my truck? |
| Yo Momma' so fat, she gets winded going up the escalator! |
| It was really hot last summer. In fact, it was so hot I saw a republican with his head out of his ass. |
| Man- "Jesus Christ! I can't open this hard drive." Jesus- "Use the torx, Luke." |
| Whats the difference between a black man and a farm tractor? Nothing! The tractor is just an upgrade! |
| My doctor says I have insomnia, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it. |
| What is the difference between Jam and Marmalade? You can't marmalade your dick up a 2 year olds ass. |
| Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador dog. "Oh, I wouldn't if I were you!", says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?" |
| I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it. |
| Teacher: So class, in the medieval times, the Puritan's ears were cut off if they didn't attend Catholic services. Student: I bet they didn't like the sound of that! |
| What do you do when you see a Mexican riding a bike? Throw a stone at him, it's your bike! |
| Why do blondes have litlle holes in their faces? From eating with forks! |
| This site is dead. There has been an all-time low in traffic. No one posts anymore. The end of the site is a tragic one, and I will miss the site. Wocka has fallen from its high branch. Submit your hate towards, but you know it's true. |
| One fine day.... you're just walking by.... You look at this bird.... it shits in your eye.... You don't swear.... you don't cry.... You just thank God.... that cows don't fly.... |
| Oedipus was a real motherfucker. |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the chicken and the road can't agree on anything. |
| Did you hear the one about when the Great Recession began? The President appointed a cat to chair the Federal Reserve. Do you know why? Because when a cat falls, it always lands on its feet. |
| Knock knock. Who's there? Granny. Granny who? Knock knock. Who's there? Granny. Granny who? Knock knock. Who's there? Granny. Granny who? Knock knock. Who's there? Aunt. Aunt who? Aren't you glad you got rid of all those grannies? |
| Why did the Japanese steal the Diaoyu Islands? Because they don't have enough room for their funny farms! |
| A man was having a serious surgical operation. When he woke up, he asked his doctor, "Did it go well?" "It went perfectly." "Then why do I have this headache?" "Oh, that. Halfway through the operation, we ran out of anesthetic." |
| What's the Swedish word for divorce and swearing? Ikea. |
| Since workaholics are people addicted to work and chocaholics are people addicted to chocolate, are catholics people addicted to cats? |
| I had a great memory once, but I don't know where I left it. You haven't seen it lying around anywhere have you? No? No what? |
| If you copy from your textbooks, it's making good use of what you've learnt. If you copy from anywhere else, it's plagiarism. |
| What's the difference between a water bottle and puberty? The water bottle hit Justin Bieber first. |
| knock knock! whose there? yer mom oh come in! |
| Yo momma's so ugly the bank had to turn its security cameras off when she came in. |
| 3 year old kid: "Guess what? Daddy got you a pway-station!" 7 year old kid: "Really??!! Where is it?" 3 year old: "It's in p-one mile!" |
| Teenager: Dad, did you hear that Jake broke up with Taylor? Dad: Oh no, another album. |
| Ivan Vakinov Kotcha Vakinov Isenya Vakinov |
| Our new greengrocery is now starting! We feature lead-free gasoline, phosphorus-free washing powder, fluorine-free refrigerator, ..., and iodine-free salt. |
| It's so easy, it makes pie look hard. |
| Yo momma's like Geico: so easy a caveman could do it. |
| Your mother used to go fishing in the Pacific ocean, but now she goes fission there. |
| Yo Mamma soo fat she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washington's nose |
| Have you heard the joke about the blind gynecologist? She could "read lips." |
| This is what happen to a boy and his father: Son: dad i want to marry. Father: who do you want to marry? Son: your mother. Father: why do you want to marry my mother? Son: because you also marry my mother. :) |
| Lady on telephone: "Hello sir, I want to meet & talk to you. You are the father of one of my kids." Guy (stunned!): Are you Sandra? No. Jenny? No. Amy? No. Betty? No. Lady (in confusion): "No sir, I'm your son's class teacher." |
| I used facebook for a few days and got addicted to it. I've been studying since I was 6. Why the hell am I not addicted to it? |
| Husband messages his wife on his cellphone: Hi, wat R U doing honey? Wife replies: I'm dying Husband is delighted and jumps with joy, but texts: OMG! How am I gonna live without u? Wife replies: u idiot. I'm dying my hair Husband: *@&!#*/ English |
| Cop to boy: Which of the two fighting in the street is your father? Boy: I don't know. That's what they're fighting about! |
| Is anybody STILL ALIVE ON WOCKA?????? I KNOW THIS ISNT A JOKE BUT THIS WAY THE ONLY WAY TO GET YOUR ATTENTION! HELLOOOO.... WAS THAT AN ECHO ECHO ECHO? |
| What's grosser than gross? A pile of dead babies in a trash can. What's grosser than that? The one at the bottom is still alive. What's grosser than that? He has to eat his way to freedom. What's grosser than that? He goes back for more. |
| Yo momma was so fat, I was surprised that she could even jump! |
| yo mama is so fat when she jumped she fell through the ground! |
| yo mamma is so fat it takes 1111111111111111111111111999999999thousand belts to fit her waist |
| yo-mamma is so fat shes fat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
| The other day, I bought a packet of air. I was surprised to find a few potato chips inside it. -Dedicated to Lays |
| The only person in our town who can afford to go on a jaguar is a zoo-keeper. |
| A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you." The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?" The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine." |
| Honest to God true story. Wife (yelling from upstairs): Honey, I'm naked and the dog is loose in the front yard! Husband (downstairs): Hold on, I'll be right up! She didn't appreciate the humor. |
| WIKIPEDIA: I know everything. GOOGLE: I have everything. FACEBOOK: I know everybody. INTERNET : You're all nothing without me. ELECTRICITY: Keep talking, bitches! |
| Q: Why did the witch buy a computer? A: She needed the spellcheck |
| Yo moma so fat and retarded that she thinks shes skinny. |
| A Windows customer said when he closes his windows, they disappear. |
| Yo Mama is so FAT that when she turned around,it was her birhtday! |
| A blond was seen walking in a local mall wearing nothing but shoes, a shirt and nothing else.' When security stopped her and asked her what she thought she was doing, She replied, "I saw a sign that said take half off and save money." |
| Teacher: The reason why we see lightening before we hear thunder is because light travels faster than sound. Blonde student: How do you explain a CLAPPER? |
| How do you kill a dumb blonde? Put something shiny on the bottom of a pool. |
| What s green and hangs from a tree??? Giraffe Boogers |
| The armies of the opposition have neared Washington, Paris and London. The governments of US, France and London did nothing about it. 'Sorry! We need to bomb (long list of African and Middle East countries) first.' |
| On the eve of the First Boer War, thousands of blondes lined the streets campaigning for animal rights. 'If it's illegal for human women, it's gotta be the same for swine,' said one activist. |
| Here is a fragment of a crossword puzzle. Note that this crossword puzzle contains abbreviations and acronyms. S O _ Clue: An insult related to a female animal. Answer: Sow. |
| Here is a fragment of a crossword puzzle. P _ O _ _ _ Clue: Something that is often brown and hard to clean. Answer: Poodle. |
| A lawyer is talking to a *fellow* politician. 'I'm going to Switzerland next month,' said the honest politician. 'Oh really?' asked the lawyer. 'Which bank?' |
| What did the father buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? - Bison! |
| If Bob the Butcher is 5'11'' what does he weigh? -Meat |
| What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? Depreciation. |
| A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F |
| An actual sign outside a house: The dog is okay. Beware of the owner |
| Doctor: What is it that brought you here? Patient: An ambulance. Why? |
| 33% of men use their left hand to pee. 67% of men use their right hand. 89% wanted to know why I'm watching them pee. |
| When you look up Yahoo! Answers on Yahoo! search, it tells you it's deleted according to community guidelines. When you look it up on Google Search, it's restored according to Google Cache's workings. |
| My dog Minton has eaten my shuttle cock. Bad Minton! |
| The European union has decided the only way to avoid Greece defaulting on its debts is to replace the government and civil service with 300 Spartans ! |
| Dreams are like underpants. You've got 'em, but you can't prove you do by showing it to everyone. |
| My wife and I were at an outdoor shopping mall, and I came across what I thought was a 'life-sized' chess board. So I began playing chess solo. Ten moves in, my wife comes by and says, "Honey, that's a crèche!" |
| What is the world's sharpest thing? A fart! It goes through your pants without leaving a hole! |
| What is striped and lays eggs? A chicken in jail! |
| Child: Mum, can I wear those really nice jeans with the hole in the knee to church? Mother: No honey, you can't wear holy jeans to church! |
| Teacher: Johnny, where is your homework? Johnny: Its on Facebook. I've uploaded a copy and tagged you. Please login and verify it later. |
| Hey, I saw you in Dunkin' donuts yesterday!! You're the one ordering triple chocolate, double vanilla, quadrupal cinnamon and double whip cream dounut filled with sprinkles. |
| I think my smartphone is broken. I keep pressing the Home button, but I'm still working. |
| Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button |
| Every time I hear the dirty word "Exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate. |
| Today's school kids are spending less time at recess than their predecessors. Experts say if the trends continues, future Congressmen may not have enough experience goofing off. |
| A man was solving a crossword. For a four-letter word there was a clue: Look at the picture ! The man entered: I see . |
| - How many blonds do you need to change a lightbulb ? - Hundred. One holds the lightbulb and the other ninety nine rotates the house. |
| - What does a blond say to a two headed monster ? - Hello ! Hello ! |
| - How to make a blond busy ? - Put her in a circle room and tell her to find a corner. |
| - How to keep a blonde busy? - Tie up both sides of a rope together. Give the tied rope to the blonde and tell her to find the end. |
| What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag. |
| Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. |
| What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? 100 people who don't do dick. |
| What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. |
| Yo mama's so fat that when she took her first step everyone thought there was an earthquake. |
| Yo Mamma so ugly when she looked at a baby, the baby turned to stone. |
| How many blondes does it take to put in a light bulb? 1000. 1 to screw in the light bulb; 1 to give the light bulb to the person who'll screw in a light bulb and 998 to find the light bulb. |
| How do you keep a blonde busy? Write with a sharpie and tell her to erase it. |
| How can you tell if someone is a true blonde? They clean their hair with air conditioner. |
| Do you know the Chinese nickname for the Dutch politician Geert Wilders? Answer: Dum Thing! |
| My girl told me she was trying to lose weight, so I said, "Do whatever makes you happy inside. Just keep in mind that your weight's just a number. There's no number in the world to measure how beautiful you are . . . unless you include negative numbers." |
| Yo momma so old she met a T Rex in pre-school. |
| Have you heard about the sauna that serves food? Their specialty is steamed mussels. |
| god told moses to come forth but he tripped on a banana peel and came fifth |
| Whoever said nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door. |
| Yo mamma is so fat she walked into the GAP and filled it. |
| How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Sixteen. One to screw it in and fifteen to form a support group. |
| What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa only has three Ho's. |
| I saw on the news a little boy being carried up to the sky. I got scared cause I thought Michael Jackson was ordering take-out from Heaven. |
| Santa Claus, a Boy Scout, and a smart blonde jump out of a plane. Who lands first? The Boy Scout, because the other two don't exist. |
| How many Dominicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Dominican one to hold the bulb and Dominican two to turn Dominican one |
| Teacher: Billy, tell me the periodic for water. Billy:Okay. H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O. Teacher: What makes you say that? Billy: You said it was H to O. |
| What do you get if you cross a dinosaur, a tiger, a crocodile, a spider, and a elephant? I don't know but you better get out of it's way! |
| What happens to you if you can not read? Well, since you'll probably be staying in Kindergarten, less homework! |
| Ever since Rhianna got dumped by her boyfriend, she put all the stuff that was his or made her remember him she put : " to the left to the left... in the box on the left..." |
| Basketball hoops are like misdemeanor. The more I miss it da meanor I get. |
| Why did the 12 watt lightbulb drop out of school? It wasn't very bright. |
| Register lots of accounts, with each account voting for it as least comedy. If its average comedy drops below 0.5, it will be automatically deleted. |
| What is it called when your pet snake doesn't feel right? -reptile dysfunction. |
| what's the difference between here and there? The letter T! :) (Take away the T in there and you've got here!) |
| A gay pornstar doesn't take as many balls to the face as my 4 year old son playing soccer. |
| One day I was standing in the park wondering how frisbees get bigger when they get closer. Then it hit me. |
| Mary had a little lamb, fries and a coke. |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the butcher |
| Mik: "Do skunks have a good sense of smell?" Mak: "No! If they did, they'd jump off a cliff!" |
| A waiter on a ship said to a boarding lion "sir, do you want anything of the chef's special?" The lion said "nah..I'll look at the passenger list,though!" |
| Why didn't Megan Fox run from the man-eating lion? Because she was a woman. *Told to me by a 7-year-old* |
| Mik:Darn it! There's only 2 chips in my bowl.Damn you,chips! Mak: Aargh! you made me so angry I am gonna punch them! Mak punches the chips. Mik: WHOAH! you made 2 big chips into 20 small ones! Mak: I AM JESUS OF THE DORITOS!! |
| Music student: We played the beatles last night! Gym student:who won? |
| The other day, I heard that a good friend of mine was outside during a thunderstorm and got struck by lightning. I was a bit shocked, but not as much as he was. |
| I don't know much about prison, but it sounds like a pain in the ass. |
| Yo momma so old she rode a limosarus to her wedding! |
| "Mom! Deaf kids at school are making fun of me." "What did they say?" |
| Why was the diver angry at the diving board? Because it flipped him off. |
| So I asked a religious truck driver what his CB handle is. His answer: "My handle's 'Messiah'." (Get it? Sounds like "Handel's Messiah.") |
| The word 'function' should never function as a verb. |
| Mik and mak are having a pillow fight. Mak whacks mik hard. Mik yells "are you jamaican because ja maican me crazy!" |
| I bet you I could stop gambling. |
| Why wasn't Jesus born in Japan? He couldn't find three wise men or a virgin there. |
| Why did the computer get sick? He left his windows open |
| My Dad is great at raising kids, if he can remember which are his. |
| All women are emotional drag queens, and i married their queen |
| Yo mommas so fat that when she got on the electric scales, it read one at a time please. |
| What do you call a blind German? A not see! |
| Two guys are eating a hamburger at a fast food place. 1st Guy- Does your hamburger taste funny? 2nd Guy- No just yours. Mine doesn't have a sense of humor. |
| One woman to another woman Woman- Those firemen are hot. Other Woman- Yeah they are nice looking. Woman- No. I mean they just came out of that burning building. They're hot. |
| What did the dog say to the driver who was driving behind him? Get off my tail! |
| Man says to his girlfriend You're the only woman on this planet I won't. Oh by the way, I'm taken a trip to Mars next week. |
| What is a 4 letter sport that starts with a T? Golf. (Golf starts with a tee!) |
| Do you know what the secret of an islamic marriage is? The man get's to see a striptease every night! |
| Hey! Football team! Get off the band field! |
| Band Class is the only class where you can blow it. |
| The blond asked for peanuts on the plane, but she once she got them, she gave them back to the stewardess and asks her to check if there really are peanuts in the bag. The stewardess asks why, to which the blond responds: "The bag says 'May Contain Nuts'" |
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| One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license.''You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it.'' |
| A man walks in to an auto store and askes the blonde cashier where the turtle wax is. the blonde says,"i'm sorry sir, but we don't sell pet supplies." |
| A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: "Do you know where you were going?" Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving." |
| Q:What is a blondes idea of safe sex??A:Lock the car doors |
| I know a blond so stupid I asked her to take me to the airport she looked up at the billboard it said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home |
| Q:how can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day? A:her tampon is on her ear and she cant find her pen! |
| she was so blonde she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." |
| 1. The water proof towel2. Solar powered flash light3. Sumberrine screen door4. A book on how to read5. Inflatable dart board6. A dictionary index7. Ejector seat in a helicopter8. Powdered water9. Pedel powered wheel chair10. Water proof tea bags |
| A blonde walking by the river came across another blonde directly across from her. The first blonde waved to the other and said "hey, how do i get to the other side"? The other blonde answered "You're already on the other side". |
| What do u call a blonde with 1brain cell? GIFTED!What do u call a blonde with 2brain cells? PREGNANT!What do u call a blonde with 3brain cells? A GOLDEN RETRIEVER! |
| What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?Gifted |
| Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Bill how he wanted his steak, she replied, "medium." Then the waiter said, "how about your vegetable?" Bill replied, "Oh, she can order for herself." |
| One day two blondes decided to take a trip to Disney Land. They were riding down the road and all of a sudden they came to a fork in the road and a sign said disneyland left. So they looked at eachother and said dangget and went back home. |
| Q: How do you get the blonde to turn on the light after sex?A: tell her to open the car doorQ:what did the blondes' left leg say to the right leg?A: Nobody knows, they've never met |
| Two blondes walk in to a building.You'd think one of them would have seen the building. |
| Whats a blondes favorite nursury rhyme?humpme dumpme |
| A blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who hit the ground first?The brunette, cos the blonde stopped to asked for directions!!! |
| Why did the blonde jumped off the bridge? Because she thought her maxi had wings! |
| I knew a blond so stupid that when she read the "concentrat" on the orange juice container, she did. |
| A good friend will bail you out of jail.A great friend will be in the cell next to you saying,"Damn, that was fun!" |
| If nobody is perfect, and I'm a nobody, am I perfect? |
| If 7-11(pharmacy) is open 24/7 then why do they have locks on their doors? |
| Can a teacher give a homeless man homework? |
| why does sour cream have an expiry date? |
| A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn." |
| "Mr. johns, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." |
| Ever wonder why they use ABCDEF to define bra sizes? A-Absent B-Barely visable C-Come in useful D-Damn good E-Enormous F-Fantastic |
| The ten things a guy knows about a girl: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. They have breasts. |
| you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you." |
| "Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.""That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." |
| Q:What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?A:Nothing, They never met! |
| Men are like a deck of cards....You need a heart to love themA Diamond to marry themA Club to beat themAnd a spade to bury the bastards |
| "May I take your order?" the waiter asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die." |
| TOP TEN THINGS THAT MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. |
| why did the 1 handed man cross the road??to get to the second hand shop |
| A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat as he is carrying the plate. "Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "you have your hand on my steak!" "What," answers the waiter, "you want it to fall on the floor again?" |
| You might be a Redneck if your hunting dog fetches more beer than birds. |
| From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain. "I have no idea... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts like that." |
| The little boy walks into his father's bedroom and catches him putting on a condom. He says, "What are you doing, Pop? The father stutters "I'm going to kill a mouse, son." The kid says, "What are you going to do, bang him to death?" |
| Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady." "Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy "But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap." |
| What does the dentist of the year get?...A little plaque. |
| Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?A: Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge. |
| Whats the difference between a womans paycheck and her periods?Well...:They come once a month,They get her stressed,And if one don't come...SHES IN TROUBLE. |
| Q:What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?A:A quater-pounder with cheese. |
| What do you call a lesbian asian? minjeeta |
| Q: What is in between an 80-year-old woman's breastA: Her belly-button |
| Q. What smells fishy and ends with untA. Rex Hunt |
| what did the 1 tampon say to the next tampon?? see you next peirod |
| what's hairy on the out side and wet and slimey on the inside it begins whith an c and ends in a t?? a cocanut |
| Similiarity between a woman and a computer!Both can accept a 3.5 inch floppy |
| wife says my husband gave me a mood ring. when i am good it turns green when i am bad he has a red mark on his forehead. |
| "Boss, I've got to have a raise," the salesman said to his sales manager. "There are three other companies after me.""Is that a fact?" the manager asked. "What other companies are after you?""The electric company, the phone company, and the gas company." |
| MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?" |
| If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from? |
| Q: How does Michael Jackson know it's time for bed? A: When the big hand touches the little hand... |
| Have you heard? The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest. |
| Q: What's the difference between Elvis and Osama Bin Laden? A: Osama is a dead man! |
| Q: What's the worst thing about having sex with Michael Jackson? A: When the crib breaks. |
| Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?A: He thought it was a delivery service. |
| What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa? Nothing, they both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks! |
| Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? A: One is made of plastic and is a potential risk to children. The other carries groceries. |
| What do Michael and Catholic school nuns have in common? Both are a pain in the butt to kids. |
| Michael Jackson was announced that he is the proud father of a baby boy. He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex. The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old. |
| How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? He looks for one in a catalogue. |
| As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?" |
| At 8 years old....you put milk in your glassAt 18 years old....you put beer in your glassAt 80 years old.... you put your teeth in your glass |
| 1. You so dumb you inventd a helicopter with an ejector seat.2. You so dumb you got locked in a super market and starved to death.3. You so dumb you got locked in the toilets and wet yourself. |
| Did you know Jennifer Lopez use toeat 2 gallons of ice cream a day?It's all BEHIND her now! |
| What bird represents freedom ?The EagleWhat bird represents peace ?The DoveWhat bird represents true love ?The Swallow |
| What surgical operation would you suggest for someone who constantly "has their head up their arse"? A lobottomy (lo-bottom-y). |
| A chicken and an egg check into a cheap motel room.Moments later the chicken sits up against the headboard and lights a cigarette. The egg says, "Well, that settles that." |
| Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked outta the toy box??? Because she sat on pinocchio's face and said "LIE TO ME! LIE TO ME!!!!" |
| your family is so poor that when i went 2 your house i stepped on a ciggarette butt and yo moma said "hey, who turned off the heating?" |
| There is a black man , and australian aborigine and a samoan in a car.Who is driving ???---- Police officer |
| Hey, that shirt really looks becoming on you, then again, if I were that shirt, I'd be coming too! |
| How do you get an epheopian in a phonebox?PUT A TIN OF BEENS IN THEREHow do you get em out?RUN PAST WITH A CAN OPENER |
| What do u call a Lesbian Dinosaur?A Lickalottapus |
| Why did the chicken lay the egg?Because everyone else was taken |
| Q:Why did Minie Mouse get kicked out of the sand box?A:Becase she sat on Pinochio's face and said "Lie to me Pinochio lie!" |
| A three legged dog is walking down the middle of the road with a shotgun in his hand. When he was asked why he had a shotgun he said "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa". |
| Why don't afganistan's people teach sex ed, and drivers ed, on separate days? answer: the camels can't take it all in one day. |
| What do the Star Ship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons. |
| SEX IS LIKE A KFC YOU START WITH THE BREAST, WORK YOUR WAY DOWN THE THIGH AND ALL YOUR LEFT WITH IS A GREASY BOX TO PUT YOUR BONE IN |
| Did you hear about the fight at the seafood grill last night? (no) Well, the fish got battered!! |
| why was the washing machine laughing?it was taking the piss out the knickers!! |
| what do you do with a dog with no legs? Take him for a spin! |
| How do you make a kleenex dance?You put a little boogie in it. |
| Why are eggs so frustrated?They only get laid once, eaten once, and you have to boil them to eat them hard! |
| Q: What's the difference between a lawyer getting hit by a car and a dog getting hit by a car?A: There's skid marks before the dog. |
| Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. |
| "Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? ""No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'" |
| What do George Bush, Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein have in common? English is their second language. |
| Question : What does a politician and a sperm have in common? Answer : Only one out of millions will become a human being. |
| Two terrorists are chatting. One of them opens his wallet and flips through pictures. "you see, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too." The second terrorist says, gently,"Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?" |
| Q:What do you call something that is 12 inches long and hangs infront of an arsehole?A:Tony Blair's TIE!! |
| what is the difference between a mexican and a pizza?a pizza can serve a family of four |
| why did they inventglow in the dark condoms?so gay people can play star wars. |
| Yo momma is so fat when she farts she can melt the ice on Pluto. |
| Yo mamas so stupid she took a ruler to bed to measure how long she slept. |
| Your mama so fat that she's the big rolling ball on Indiana Jones |
| Yo mama is so dumb yeah she asked the operator for the number for 911. |
| Yo mamma so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air-conditioning. |
| Yo mamma so old she knew burger king when he was still a prince. |
| Yo mamma so old that her birth certificate is in roman numerals. |
| Yo mamma so ugly your father takes her to work with him so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye. |
| Yo mamma so ugly she tried to take a bath and the water jumped out. |
| Yo mamma so ugly she made an onion cry. |
| Yo mamma so ugly when she goes bungie jumping instead of putting the chord around her ankles they put it around her neck. |
| Yo mamma so fat she sat on the beach and greenpeace threw her in. |
| Yo mamma so fat shes got more chins than a chineese phone book. |
| Yo mamma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun. |
| Yo mamma so fat that when she bungie jumps she goes straight to hell. |
| Yo mamma so fat she fell in love... and broke it. |
| Yo mamma so fat when she goes to a resturant she looks at the menu and says"okay". |
| Yo mamma so fat that when she wants people to shake her hand she has to give directions. |
| Yo mamma so fat when she was floating in the ocean Spain claimed her for their new world. |
| Yo mamma so fat when you get on top of her... your ears pop. |
| Yo mamma so dumb she sold her car for gasoline money. |
| Yo mamma so dumb it took her two hours to watch 60 minutes. |
| Yo mamma so dumb that when she put a quater in the parking meter she waited half-an-hour for the gum to come out. |
| Yo mamma so dumb she tried to jump out the basement window. |
| Yo mamma so dumb she tripped over a chored-less phone. |
| Yo mamma so fat she broke a branch onthe family tree. |
| ya mama so ugly she stuck her head out the window and got arrested for mooning |
| Your momma so dumb she studied for the drug test. |
| Your mama's so fat that when she walked by my tv....I missed 2 episodes! |
| Yo mama so dumb she burnt down the house using a cd burner |
| Yo mama so ugly she took one look at the sun and it hide behind a cloud. |
| Yo mama so stupid she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical |
| Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes |
| Yo mama so stupid she missed the 44 bus so she just took the 22 bus twice |
| Yo mama so stupid she heard it was chilly outside so she went and got a spoon |
| Yo mama so fat she tripped over 4th Ave. and landed on 12th Ave |
| Yo mama so fat she sits down at the resturant, opens the menu, and says "okay"! |
| Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! |
| Yo mama so fat people jog around her instead of the block, for a LONGER run! |
| Yo mama so fat i had to take two trains and a bus just to get on her good side. |
| Yo mama so fat the last time she saw 90210 it was on the bathroom scale |
| Yo momma so fat she got run over and said "Who threw that rock?" |
| Yo mama is so fat every time she turns around it's her birthday. |
| Yo Mama so fat, when she put on high heels, she struck oil. |
| your mama is so fat that when she fell of the bed she fell of both sides. |
| yo mama so fat with her we are 2 nations. |
| Yo mama's hair is so short, instead of using rollers to curl her hair she uses rice! |
| yo mama so fat she already been to the future. |
| Yo mama so fat she has to get out of the car to change gear |
| Yo mamma so fat I drove aroundd her and ran out of gas |
| Your Moma so fat she went to see a hockey game and she thought the puck was a burned hambuger. |
| Yo mamas so fat she makes a blue whale look like a tic tac |
| Yo mama is so fat that she smokes turkey. |
| Yo mamma's so poor when i asked her what for dinner she put her foot on the table and said corn.Yo mamma's so hairy, bigfoot took pictures of her!Yo mamma's so fat, she has every cateror on speed dial. |
| Yo mama so fat that she has to drink diet water |
| Yo mama is so ugly that she stuck her head out the window,and got arrested for disturbing the peace. |
| Yo mama is so dumb that she shoved the phone up her ass, and thought that she was making a booty call. |
| yo mama so dumb when someone told her to speak her mind she was speechless |
| Yo Mama So Dumb, that she put lipstick on her forehead so she could make up her mind. |
| Yo Mama So Hairy, when she shaves she uses a lawnmower. |
| Yo mama so old she saw Jurrasic Park and said that brings back memories. |
| Your mama is so fat,she jumped up in the sky and got stuck! |
| Yo mamas so fat, she has to borrow a belt from orion |
| Yo mama so poor that when someone rings the doorbell she has to stick her head through a crack and say dingdong. |
| Yo mama so fat you can hit her stomach and ride the waves! |
| Yo momma so ugly I threw a rock at her and the rock stopped, came back, and said to me I ain't goin near that creepy thing! |
| Yo mama so stupid she tried to jump out the basement window.Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car.Yo mama so fat when she stands on the curb in her yellow raincoat people yell out "TAXI". |
| your mama is so hairy,it lookes like she has buckwheat in a headlock |
| your mama is so fat,every time she turns around its her birthday |
| yo mama so fat she had to use a pillowcase for a sock |
| Yo mama so dumb it took her an hour to make minute rice ! |
| Yo mamma so poor that when I saw her kick a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing and she said,"Moving" |
| Yo mama so fat she's got as many chins as a chinese phonebook. |
| Yo Mama so fat that she filled up the tub and then turned the water on! |
| Yo Mama so poor she looked at a cardboard house and said "Look, my mansion!" |
| Yo Mama so poor she found a penny on the ground and said "I won the lottery!"(even though she still had to take out tax) |
| yo mama so bald i can see what she thinkin |
| Your mama so fat that when she sat on a nitendo gamecube she changed it into a gameboy advance sp. |
| yo mama so fat she got more chins than in the chinese phone book! |
| ur mom is so stupid she walked into an antique store and said, whats new. |
| Yo mama is so ugly they moved halloween to her birthday |
| Your momma is so fat when a meteorite hit her she said "Whose throwing pebbles?" |
| Yo mama so dumb, she threw a rock at the ground and missed! |
| Yo mama so stupid she tryed to drown a fish |
| Yo mamma sooo stupid, she clibed over a glass wall to see the other side!!! |
| Yo Mama so old George Washington was her first boyfriend. |
| Yo Mama so stupid she thought Michael Jackson was a boy. |
| What goes up, down, left, right, and all around?Your mama! |
| Yo mama so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone |
| Yo Mama so stupid she sold her car for gas money |
| Your mama went to a Hotel and asked for a water bed,And they put a blanket over the ocean |
| yo moma is so fat she jumped in the ocean and a whale started to sing we are family. |
| Yo Mama is so Fat she uses two Grey Hound buses for roller blades. |
| Yo Mama is so Stupid she tried wakin up a Sleepin Bag. |
| yo mama's so stupid she went to Dr Dre for a papsmear |
| your mumma is so old her bible is signed by Jesus. |
| Your mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale it said - ouch!Your mama is so fat when she stepped on the scale it said - to be continuedYour mama is so fat when she stepped on the scale it said better luck next time |
| Yo Mama is so fat that when she stands on the weighing scales it comes up with her mobile phone number |
| Yo mama is so fat, when she walks down the street in a yellow rain suit everyone starts yelling "Taxi" |
| Yo mama is so fat, when she jumps in the ocean with a blue swimsuit on the whales start singing "We Are Family". |
| yo mamma so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck. |
| Yo mama so fat she needs a boomerang to get her belt on |
| Yo mama is so stuiped, she was flicking pennies in a wishing well and someone asked "What are you doning?" So she said "I'm paying the water bill!" |
| Yo mama so stupid she made up her own I.Q. test and failed it three times! |
| Yo mama is so fat, she entered an ugly contest and they said "no perfesonals aloud!" |
| Yo mama's so dumb,she brung a spoon to the SUPER BOWL!! |
| yo momma so dumb she sits on top of the t.v and watches the couch. |
| yo mamma is so fat, Jesus can't lift her soul! |
| Your mama is so fat, she fell in love and broke it.Your house is so small, I put the key in the keyhole and I killed three people. |
| Yo Mama so poor..... I saw her walking down the street kicking a can, I asked her what she was doing and she said "moving". |
| Your mama so stupid she got hit by a parked car |
| Yo mama is so fat that she is on both sides of the family! |
| Yo Mama is so old that she still has Jesus pager number! |
| Yo Mama so fat that they said it was chili outside then she brought out a bowl! |
| Yo Mama so fat that she has to use a VCR as a pager. |
| Yo mama's so fat she makes shamu look like a tic-ticYo mama's so fat she went to Jenny Craig and the only thing she lost was $19.99 |
| Ya mama so stupid, when she read on her job application not to write on botted line below she put "O.K" |
| Ya mama so fat when her beeber goes off, people thought she backing up! |
| I asked god for world peace and he said,"I can't its impossible," I asked to make ya mama good looking and he said,"dude... let me try world peace!" |
| Yo Mama so poor that when i walked in your house and steped on a lighted cigarette yo mama said who turned of the heater. |
| Yo mama is so big she has her own zip code. |
| Yo mama stepped on a scale and it said one at a time please. |
| Yo mama so fat that when god said let there be light, he asked her to move over |
| Yo mamma so fat that when she swims in the sea the whales start singing 'we are family'! |
| Yo mamma's pits are so hairy she looks like she's got Don King in a headlock! |
| Yo mama is so fat that when she went dooky the whole world flooded & everyone had to live on a piece of poop!! |
| Yo mama was so poor....that when i came to the door, she stuck her head out of the window & said "Ding-Dong" |
| Yo mama is so ugly..... when my dad mooned her she looked into it & thot it was her reflection, & replied "How did my hair get so curly?" |
| Yo Mama is so fat she had to iron her pants on the driveway. |
| yo mamas breath so bad when she went to the dentist to get a filling the dentist had to give himself gas! |
| Yo mama so fat that when she walks in high heels she strikes oil. |
| Yo Mama so dumb that she takes an hour to make minute rice. |
| YOUR MOMMA SO DUMD SHE WENT TO GO FILL OUT A JOB APPLICATION IT SAID COUNTRY __________. SHE WROTE FREE |
| yo mama so stupid when asked "sex" on an application she put m, f and sometimes wednesdays, too. |
| You need to keep your mama out of the trash she keeps getting it all over the place. |
| 1st Officer: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?" 2nd Officer: "Who?" 1st Officer: "Janet Jackson!" 2nd Officer: "What she do, was she speeding?" 1st Officer: "Nah, she had one headlight out." |
| Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck. |
| Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair. |
| I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!! |
| I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it. |
| They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none. |
| You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for. |
| People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority! |
| You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals. |
| I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more! |
| If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide! |
| Hey, act your age -- senile! |
| I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing. |
| You're the best at all you do -- and all you do is make people hate you. |
| In the dictionary under the word, "stupid," it says, "see him." |
| We know you could not live without us. We'll pay for the funeral. |
| We do not complain about your shortcomings, but about your long sayings. |
| Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another? |
| The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you. |
| When you get run over by a car, it shouldn't be listed under accidents. |
| For two cents, I'd give you a piece of my mind -- and all of yours. |
| You are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time! |
| You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth! |
| I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed; so he had you thrown out of his office. |
| I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes! |
| You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance. |
| Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was. |
| You started at the bottom -- and it's been downhill ever since. |
| You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt. |
| I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening. |
| I heard that you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork. |
| I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you. |
| You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant. |
| You are down to earth, but not quite far down enough. |
| If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid. |
| I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you. |
| You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along. |
| You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet!! |
| I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside. |
| I would like the pleasure of your company, but it only gives me displeasure. |
| You've never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to. |
| At your speed, you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium. |
| If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny. |
| Don't you have a terribly empty feeling -- in your skull? |
| At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people -- you are obnoxious in a different and worse way! |
| You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one. |
| You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes. |
| They say that travel broadens oneself. You must have been around the world. |
| Look through your towels and tell us the name of the hotel you stayed at in Detroit. |
| You always have your ear to the ground. So how's life in the gutter? |
| Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along. |
| Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up. |
| You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to hang you. |
| You will never be able to live down to your reputation! |
| Any friend of yours -- is a friend of yours. |
| Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs. |
| I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you! |
| I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I'll think so. |
| Man alive! But I wish you weren't. |
| I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead. |
| Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap. |
| You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had only to find out that you are not popular anyway. |
| You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you. |
| We know that romance brings out the beast in you -- the jackass. |
| I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet. |
| There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them. |
| All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that's the only way they could. |
| I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in. |
| I hear you are a real humanitarian. You have kept three or four detectives working regularly. |
| I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of handcuffs. |
| Hello -- tall, dark and obnoxious! |
| You remind me of the ocean -- you make me sick. |
| You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light. |
| All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe thatmany people are to blame for producing you. |
| Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down. |
| I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much. |
| They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up. |
| After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us. |
| You are so two-faced that any woman who married you would be married to a bigamist. |
| I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter, but now I see you are not worth it! |
| We hear you are a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of fright!! |
| We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven". |
| You have a good family tree, but the crop is a failure. |
| I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat. |
| Is your name Amazon? You're so wide at the mouth. |
| You are a man who always sticks by his convictions. You will remain a fool no matter how much you get ridiculed for it! |
| A dope you are and dope will remain. Completely unlike cocaine. You add to, not diminish, pain! |
| We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there? |
| Your family tree is good, but you are the sap. |
| We all spring from apes, but you didn't spring far enough. |
| It cost me five thousand dollars to look up your family history. A thousand to look it up and four thousand to hush it up. |
| Lets play house. You be the door and I'll slam you. |
| You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning. |
| I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can't count that high. |
| In the next life, you'll blaze a way for us. |
| You are master in your own house -- the doghouse! |
| When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral, but I'll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure. |
| You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime. |
| Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit? |
| I hear you are very kind to animals, so please give that face back to the gorilla. |
| Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested. |
| Some day you will find yourself -- and wish that you hadn't. |
| People clap when they see you -- their hands over their eyes or ears. |
| Whatever is eating you -- must be suffering horribly. |
| What's the latest dope -- besides you? |
| I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a moving picture. |
| You don't believe in being artificial. You want people to hate you for yourself. |
| When people cut their fingers you cry over it just so that you can get salt in the wound. |
| Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot. |
| If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I'm glad. |
| You were born because your mother didn't believe in abortion; now she believes in infanticide. |
| I admire you because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief, and a cheat. |
| You're acquitting yourself in such a way that no jury ever would. |
| You have a face only a mother could love -- and she hates it! |
| You never strike out blindly; you fail in the light. |
| They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured. |
| e know that you would give your life for us. Promise! |
| When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say it was your stupidity. |
| Well, I'll see you in my dreams -- if I eat too much. |
| Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach. |
| Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice. |
| Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself. |
| I'll never forget the first time we met -- although, I'll keep trying. |
| You are not the worst person in the world, but until one worse comes along, you'll do. |
| If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn't say hello, I'd say boo! |
| I feel sorry for you because you are so homely, but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you. |
| Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And your body is ugly, too. |
| I know one should judge a man by what he really is instead of by appearances, but you are REALLY ugly |
| Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance? |
| I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper? |
| You have an inferiority complex -- and it's fully justified. |
| You are not as bad as people say -- you are worse! |
| Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea. |
| I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time? |
| Whom am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's your name? |
| Take a vacation; go to Club Dead. |
| Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle. |
| You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent. |
| You are living proof of reincarnation. No one could possibly get to be so stupid in just one lifetime. |
| You grow on people -- like a wart! |
| Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the undertaker. |
| People say that you are outspoken, but not by anyone that I know of. |
| Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick! |
| We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move. |
| When you get to the men's room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in. |
| The only things you ever make are mistakes and cigarette ashes. |
| You always manage to keep your neck above water. We can tell by the color of it. |
| All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account? |
| I heard you have hair on your chest, and that's not your only resemblance to Rin Tin Tin. |
| No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you look too much like a wreck not to be. |
| There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it. |
| Sit down and give your mind a rest. |
| If you were a swine, you would be what you are now! |
| You say that you are always bright and early. Well, OK!! We know you are early. |
| A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it. |
| You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you. |
| They say no woman ever made a fool out of you. So who did? |
| You're very smart. You have brains you never used. |
| You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately. |
| Eventually, you will get what you asked for. |
| Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick? |
| You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies! |
| You have a good weapon against muggers -- your face! |
| You are the answer to my prayer!! I prayed to find out if things could get worse!! |
| If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately. |
| Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck. |
| Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair. |
| I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!! |
| I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it. |
| They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none. |
| You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for. |
| People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority! |
| You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals. |
| I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more! |
| If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide! |
| I've hated your looks from the stare they gave me. |
| Don't you need a license to be that ugly? |
| Moonlight becomes you -- total darkness even more! |
| Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly. |
| So you finally managed to get the last laugh [word]; a long time ago. |
| You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one. |
| The overwhelming power of the sex drive was demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you. |
| I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late! |
| I hope you never get a tetanus shot; maybe you'll windup with lockjaw. |
| I you are in your right mind, I hope you go insane! |
| If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move? |
| Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you? |
| Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get. |
| I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others? |
| Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye. |
| People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright. |
| Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live. |
| The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him. |
| I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo. |
| When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening. |
| I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice. |
| I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool. |
| I'm very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible. |
| Q: How many Floridians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Don't know for sure, they're still counting. |
| Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb ? A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again. A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it. |
| Q: How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a light bulb ? A: None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the light bulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)" |
| Q: How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out |
| Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb. |
| the last thoughts, and percentages of brain capacity |
| One day Tarzan comes home to the treehouse and says "Jane.. give me a double Matini". Jane says "What is wrong with you -- you don't drink alcohol!" Tarzan says "It's a jungle out there!""When I'm out of red, I use blue." - Pablo Picasso |
| A Michigan circuit judge tells about a divorce suit he handled recently."I think you might as well give your husband a divorce," he advised the wife."What!" shouted the lady."I have lived with this bum for twenty years, and now I should make him happy?" |
| The world's most widely seen warning label: "Intel Inside"Windoze 95/98 Tech Support response: "It's not a bug, it's a feature."Apple: "We may not do everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to change." |
| Q: Why do the Spice Girls work 7 days a week?A: So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.Q: How do you get a Spice Girl's eyes to twinkle?A: Shine a torch in her ear.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?A: Pregnant. |
| Customer: "I'm running Windows '95."Tech Support: "Yes."Customer: "My computer isn't working now."Tech Support: "Yes, you said that." |
| There's a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which the judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite." |
| What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?They're hiring. |
| Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa. |
| "My wife dresses to kill.She cooks the same way." ...Henny Youngman "My wife and I were happy for twenty years.Then we met." ...Rodney Dangerfield "I was married by a judge.I should have asked for a jury." ...George Burns |
| The Secret Service has added a $1M security system to the President and Hillary's new home in suburban New York. The security system includes bullet proof windows, flood lights, and an alarm that goes off whenever Hillary's on her way home. |
| How do you explain counterclockwise to a kid who grew up with a digital watch? |
| Teacher: Why are you late?Webster: Because of the sign.Teacher: What sign?Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." |
| Q: What is the definition of eternity?A: 4 blondes, 4 cars, 4 stop signs. |
| ;/C;/C;/C/DOS.;/C/DOS/RUN.RUN/DOS/RUN> |
| Warning Signs That You Need A New Lawyer:1. You met him in prison.2. His last good case was a Budweiser.3. All his law books are from Time-Life.4. He picks the jury by playing duck, duck, goose. |
| Q: What do you call a cat with a machine gun?A: Sir.Q: What does a snail do on a tortoise's back?A: "Vrooom... vrooom... vrooooooom..."Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?A: Your nose is touching the ceiling. |
| Maxims For The Internet Age |
| A guy went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called, "How to Master Your Wife."The salesgirl said, "Our science fiction section is upstairs." |
| **Pick-Up Line Of the Day**Guy goes up to a girl, licks his finger, touches her on the shoulder, and then touches himself (all this while she is watching him) andsays:How about you and I get out of these wet clothes? |
| New Elements On The Periodic Table |
| Guy on phone to girlfriend: "How can you say I don't care? My records show I had a valentine faxed to your home number." |
| Quasimodo goes to his Parisian Cathedral doctor for his annual checkup."I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says."Why do you say that?" asks Quasimodo."I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch." |
| A kid is asking questions about many professionals, when they urgently need to go to the rest rooms: |
| These are actual comments left on Forest Service comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips: |
| I had a terrible fight with my wife.I said, "You know, you're going to drive me to my grave." In two minutes she had the car in front of the house. |
| Signs That You've Been Out Of College Too Long |
| Q: What happens when you take a Packard Bell, Windows 95, a grenade and put them together?A: A typical upgrade. |
| Q: Hey, did you hear that OJ is starting a limo service?A: Yeah, he guarantees that he'll get you there with plenty of time to kill.Q: Did you hear about Delta Burke's tragic suicide attempt?A: She tried to harpoon herself. |
| Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered: "I never forget a friend. That was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"" |
| Q: What do you get when you cross a fly with an elephant?A: A zipper that never forgets.Q: Where does virgin wool come from?A: Ugly sheep.Q: How do you tell when a moth farts?A: It flies in a straight line. |
| A worried Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship."I'll say he is Daddy." responded the girl."Just last nite he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves and if you two are easy to get along with." |
| One day a man came home from work and he was greeted by his wife. She told that she has good news and that she had bad news. He said "Well, give me the good news first." She said "The good news is that the air bag works." |
| A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"."Sure do," replied the bartender."Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator." |
| Teacher: Why are you late?Webster: Because of the sign.Teacher: What sign?Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." |
| When met by a long procession of people led by a man with a dog, Joe asked the man: "Who died?""My Mother in law.""How?" Joe asked."The dog bit her.""Can I borrow the dog?""Get in line." |
| Q: What has four legs and an arm? A: A happy pitbull. Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?A: Lipstick! |
| One day Tarzan comes home to the treehouse and says "Jane.. give me a double Matini". Jane says "What is wrong with you -- you don't drink alcohol!" Tarzan says "It's a jungle out there!" |
| Q: Why do the Spice Girls work 7 days a week?A: So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.Q: How do you get a Spice Girl's eyes to twinkle?A: Shine a torch in her ear.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?A: Pregnant. |
| A worried Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship."I'll say he is Daddy." responded the girl."Just last nite he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves and if you two are easy to get along with." |
| "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand."If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness. |
| Q: What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?A: A pitbull.Did you hear about the new dog breed in pet shops? They crossed a pitbull with a collie. First it bites your leg off and then it goes for help. |
| An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing." |
| Two politicians were carrying on a conversation in a restaurant when all of a sudden, one yelled at the other, "You're lying!".The other politician responded, "I know, but hear me out." |
| Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Hillary how she wanted her steak, she replied, "medium."Then the waiter said, "how about your vegetable?"Hillary replied, "Oh, he can order for himself." |
| Ma and Pa had an awful time getting married.Ma wouldn't marry Pa when he was drunk and Pa wouldn't marry Ma when he was sober. |
| Two programmers walked along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, "Too bad that girls has no standard interface.""They have," replied the other programmer, "but there is no standard way to get to it." |
| Q: What happens when you take a Packard Bell, Windows 95, a grenade and put them together?A: A typical upgrade. |
| An attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital.When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible."What are you doing?" the visitor asked.The sick lawyer replied, "Looking for loopholes." |
| A doctor at a major hair-loss institute in England now says the best way to avoid going bald: drink a lot of alcohol.They say drinking alcohol to excess increases hair growth.This could be true. When was the last time you saw a bald Kennedy? |
| the last thoughts, and percentages of brain capacity |
| "What's wrong with your husband?" the psychiatrist asked."He thinks he's a chicken," answered the woman."How long has he been acting like a chicken?""Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs." |
| Q. Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?A. They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox. |
| Two programmers walked along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, "Too bad that girls has no standard interface.""They have," replied the other programmer, "but there is no standard way to get to it." |
| In the US, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law. |
| An attractive woman found herself alone in the elevator with a lawyer. "I could push this red button, and then give you the best sex of your life," she purred. He thought a minute and said, "I'm sure you could - but what's in it for me?" |
| Jerry Jones calls Michael Irvin in for a meeting:"Michael" he says, That was a close one & you'll have to be careful from now on.""What do you recommend boss?""From now on it's Pepsi & Nike, not COKE & NOOKIE" |
| A lady took her Poodle to the parlor for a haircut. When she asked what it would cost, the girl behind the counter told her "$60."The lady was outraged: "I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut!""But you don't bite, do you?" the girl replied. |
| "How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles."My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question." |
| A three-legged poodle walked into a bar in the Wild West and said "Hey, I'm lookin for the guy who shot my paw!" |
| Why couldn't Spock flush the toilet?Because of the Captains Log. |
| What is the worst thing that can happen to a leper? An epileptic fit. |
| To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the Accountant , the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. |
| Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. |
| Two Welsh sheepherders are perfoming unnatural acts with two of their herd simultaneously. One turns to the other, disgustedly, and says, "I hear they're doing this to women in England!" |
| Did you hear about the blond girl in a coffin?She was the winner of the 1994 hide & seek contest.p.s: writen in the year 2001 |
| A positive orgasm is when your partner screams *YES!!* A negative orgasm is when your partner screams *NO!!* A fake orgasm is when they scream *insert your name here* |
| A truck full of wigs has just tipped over.Police are now combing the area. |
| Q: Where can you find a dog with no legs?A:Right where you left it. |
| What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. |
| What do you do when the dishwasher stops working? Slap her! |
| Why do men die normally die before their wives?Because they want to. |
| What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?Popeye kicked the sh!t out of him. |
| Q: How does a Blonde kill a bird?A: She throws it off a cliff! |
| How many blondes does it take to wash a car? Two. One to hold the sponge, and one to drive the car back and fourth. |
| What is the definition of ultimate frustration? Two blind lesbians trying to find each other in a fish market. |
| Q: What does Tiger woods have better than Princess Diana?A: A driver |
| A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, Iknow all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." |
| What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A dictator. |
| How do you know when your wife is dead?The sex is the same but the dishes start to pile up. |
| Definition of sick:Walking into an orphanage and singing 'WE ARE FAMILY' |
| If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in. |
| Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. |
| Just before Thanksgiving, a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." |
| What's grey, crispy and hangs from the ceiling?An amateur electrician. |
| A golf club walks into a local bar and asked the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refused to serve him. "Why not?" asked the golf club. "You'll be driving later," replied the bartender. |
| What do Monica Lewinsky and a soda pop machine have in common?? They both say "Insert Bill Here" |
| A grasshopper walks into a bar and walks up to the bar. The bartender says "hey, we have a drink named after you!" "Really?" asks the grasshopper, "You have a drink named Steve?" |
| Two sausages were in a pan.One sausage turns to the other and says, "Man, Its getting hot in here."The other sausage screams and says, "AH! A talking sausage!!" |
| What's green and goes camping?A boy sprout! |
| Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence! |
| An old guy goes to the doctor and gets some tests done. The doctor comes back from checking the results and says, "I have some bad news. You have cancer and you have Alzheimer's." The old man replies "Oh thank god I don't have cancer!" |
| A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked. "No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need." "Then would you mind getting someone to assist me?" she asked. |
| Did you hear about the man with five dicks?-His pants fit like a glove! |
| Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!" |
| In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. |
| Did you hear about the blind circumciser?He got the sack. |
| How many men does it take to change a light bulb in the kitchen?None.... Let her cook in the dark! |
| A professor giving a talk to a multinational audience tells a joke about the Germans. Someone at the back of the hall jumps up and protests angrily: "I'm German!" "OK", says the speaker "I'll say it again - slowly". |
| "I can't go on like this!" the woman bawled at her husband. "My mother sends us money, my sister buys our kids clothes, and my aunt brings us food. I'm so ashamed." "You should be!" replied the never-do-well. "Your uncles don't give us a damn thing." |
| Why did the woman cross the Road?Never mind that- what I want to know is what she was doing out of the kitchen in the first place! |
| How do you sink a polish ship??? Put it in water |
| Two cows are talking in a field, the first cow says "How about that mad cow disease?" The second cow replies "I wouldnt know I'm a helicopter." |
| A dog walks into an employment agency and says "I'd like to get a job please.". The guy at the employment agency says "Wow, you could easily get a job at the circus with your talents." The dog replys "What would the circus want with a plumber?" |
| How do you get a NUN pregnant?Dress her up as a little boy! |
| How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." |
| Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. |
| In Light of recent years bringing us high profile ,celebrity involved murder cases, namely O.J. and now Robert Blake.Hertz rental car is now offering a cut rate on the Chevy BARRETTA! |
| Q:Why did the blond stare at the orange juice box?A:Because it said "...Concentrate..." |
| What do you call a blond standing inbetween two brunetts?A mental Block |
| A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." |
| What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? She said, "Is it mine?" |
| Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence! |
| How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?Fertilised! |
| Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. |
| Why couldn't the skeleton cross the road?Because he didn't have the guts. |
| The Great Irish Inventions:The Helicopter Ejector Seat;Windscreen Wipers for a Submarine;Inflatable Dart Board;Concrete Rescue Dingy. |
| An old Chinese couple is lying in bed late one night. The Old man turns to his wife and says, "I want 69!"The old women looks confused, and then asks, "Why you want beef and broccoli now?" |
| Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? |
| According to research 80% of the poplation can't do simple maths.Good news for us brainboxes,the other 10%. |
| What's the difference between a rooster and a blonde?A rooster says cock-a-doodle-do and a blonde says any-cockle-do! |
| Did you know that 18 out of 10 people don't understand fractions? |
| Have you heard about the amazing new discovery? It's a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who suffer from splitting headaches. |
| what do a blonde and railroad track's have in common?they both been laid all over the country |
| Why do blondes wear red lipstick?Because green means stop |
| What sex position produces the ugliest babies?Ask your mum! |
| How many Penecostals does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Five - one to screw in the lightbulb and four to pray against the power of darkness! |
| There was a really clever blonde, Tinkerbell, Santa Claus and a really clever brunette all in a competition to win a million Pounds. The question is "Which one won it?"The really clever brunette cos none of the others exist. |
| A woman went to a tattoo parlor. The artist was curious at her unsual request: A turkey on one leg and a ham on the other. The woman looked at the artist and said"My husband complains there is nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!" |
| Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb??A: 2, but don't ask me how they got in there!! |
| A budding actor: "Dad guess what? I've got my first part in a , I play the part of a man who has been maried for 25 years." Father: "That's a good start son, just keep at it and one of these days you'll get a speaking part." |
| Q: What do you call a woman with half a brain? A: Gifted |
| Woodworm strolls into a pub and asks "Is the bar tender here"? |
| What do you call a hooker-chauffer service?A screwdriver. |
| Diner: Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?Waiter: Look's like the backstroke sir! |
| A wife was complaining to her husband, about how less fortunate she was with her breast size. She wanted bigger boobs. Her husband simply replied: "Rub some toliet paper on your chest, it worked with your butt" |
| son:daddy daddy why are we pushing the car over a cliff? Dad:shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!You'll wake grandma. |
| Q: What do you call a white guy surounded by indians?A: A bartender. |
| Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowupBackup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (S)oil pantsBackup not found: A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?Backup not found: A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer? |
| "You're hitting the woods well today, pitty you can't stay out of them!" |
| Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?Because men refuse to ask for directions! |
| According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students. |
| Walking his blonde date to the front door, Keith said to her, "Will I see you pretty soon?""What's the matter," she asked, hurt. "Don't you think I'm pretty now?" |
| A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise, took his shotgun downstairs, and pointed the gun at the burglar. He then said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot. " |
| After examining his patient, he informed Mr. Jones, "I'm afraid you only have two months left to live. Do you have any requests?""Yes, I'd like a second opinion. ""Fine. I also think you're ugly as sin. " |
| "This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you. "Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take two. " |
| Flight attendant: I'm sorry to inform you, Mr. Jones, but we accidentaly left your wife back in Chicago. Man: Thank goodness!I thought I was going deaf! |
| One day, the owner of a very large daily newspaper company walked down the halls and greated one of his workers, "Jones, how long have you been working here?"Jones replied, "Ever since I heard you coming down the hall. " |
| "I caught a 250-pound marlin the other day!""That's nothing. I was fishing the other day and hooked a lamp from an old Spanish ship. In fact, the light was still lit!""If you bow out the light, I'll take 200 pounds off the marlin. " |
| My arm started to hurt me so I asked a doctor to examine it. She looked at my arm and brought out a medical book and studies it for about 10 minutes. Then she said to me, "Have you ever had that pain before?"I nodded yes. "Well, you've got it again. " |
| Girl: Did you kiss me when the lights were out?Boy: NoÖGirl: It must have been that other boy in the corner. Boy, starting to get up: I'll teach him a thing or two!Girl: You couldn't teach him a thing! |
| A teacher came home and slumped in his favorite chair with a dicouraged look. His wife asked hime what was wrong. "You know those aptitude tests we're giving at the school?Well, I took one today for fun. It's a good thing I'm the teacher. " |
| Newsboy: Extra, extra!Read all about it-two men swindled. Man:Give me one. Say, there isn't anything about two men being swindled. Newsoy: Extra, extra!Three men swindled. |
| Wife: When we were younger you used to nibble on my ear. (The husband starts leaving the room. )Wife: Where are you going?Husband: To get my teeth!" |
| Joe: When I would wear my hand-me-downs to school, all of the boys would make fun of me. Moe: What did you do?Joe: I hit them over the head with my purse. |
| A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client with a note that said, "This bill is one year old. "By return mail, the lawyer received the bill back with a note attached to it, saying: "Happy Birthday. " |
| "Hey Sam!" exclaimed Jim, meeting a buddy for the first time since the war's end. "Did you marry that girl you were dating a while back or are you still doing your own cooking and ironing?""Yes," replied Sam. |
| Pilot: Pilot to tower. . . pilot to tower. . . I am 300 miles from land. . . 600 feet high and running out of gas. . . please instruct. . . over. Tower: Tower to pilot. . . tower to pilot. . . Repeat after me. . . "Our Father, which art in heaven. . . " |
| Court scene:1st Lawyer: You're a fool2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool.Judge: As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case? |
| The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body that is required on it. |
| Paddy comes home from the pub one night to find his wife in bed with another man. He goes to a drawer and gets a gun. He holds the gun to his head and his wife starts to laugh. Paddy says "Idon't know what you're laughing at- you're next!" |
| End Of The WorldWhen the end of the world arrives how will the media report it? |
| If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? |
| Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? |
| What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?About .....35 pounds |
| Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's? |
| Q: Why is it good that there are female astronauts? A: Because if the crew gets lost, at least the woman will ask for directions. |
| Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. |
| Q: How do you drown a blonde?A: You put a scratch 'n sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool. |
| If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless? |
| A moron walks into a bar with a pile of dog crap in his hands and says, "Hey guys, look what I almost stepped in." |
| I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday". |
| Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? |
| You might be a Redneck if you see a sign that says, "Say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up. |
| If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk! |
| What do a blonde and a turtle have in common?When they get flipped on their back, they're screwed! |
| Did you hear about the accident at the army base? A jeep ran over a box of popcorn & killed 2 colonels |
| Two guys walk into a bar: "Ouch! Oof!" |
| Q: Why did Bill Clinton quit playing the saxophone? A: Because he decided to play the hormonica |
| If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? |
| WARNINGS that should appear on alcohol bottles and over bars |
| Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"? |
| Q. What's long and green and smells like pork?A. Kermit the frog's finger. |
| What do you call a blonde at a University?A visitor. |
| Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it. |
| Q: How was copper wire invented?A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny. |
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| Q: How are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. |
| What do you call ten blondes standing in a line?A windtunnel |
| Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?A. Through his chest with a sharp knife. |
| Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?New Jersey got to pick first. |
| 20 THINGS TO DO IN A DRIVE-THRU |
| What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging |
| A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?""Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?" |
| "Chili's a lot like sex: When it's good it's great, and even when it's bad, it's not so bad." |
| Signs your spouse is having an affair by computer: |
| What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?Beer nuts are over a buck and deer nuts are under a buck! |
| The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and Hillary's faces on them. However, test marketing verified that the customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps. |
| YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY WHEN: |
| Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man. |
| 20 Very Short Books |
| Q: What do men and linoleum have in common? A: Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life. |
| What if there were no hypothetical questions?Why does the word 'monosyllabic' have so many syllables? |
| Q: How can you tell a woman is old?A: When she takes off her bra, all of the wrinkles in her face disappear! |
| Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. |
| Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute. |
| Q: why did the blonde return the scarf?A: It was too tight. |
| How do priests make Holy Water?They boil the hell out of it! |
| You know your church is a redneck church if baptism is referred to as Branding. |
| When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? |
| Why do they call them "apartments" when they're so close together? |
| If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? |
| Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? |
| You might be a redneck if you have to haul a paint can to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor. |
| I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. |
| Your so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you. |
| When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." |
| Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it. |
| What did the light bulb say to the socket?I love you watts!! |
| When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? |
| Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on a Monday?A: You tell her a joke on Friday. |
| When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. |
| Why did Clinton name his dog Buddy? He felt uncomfortable saying "Come Spot!" |
| Top 26 ways to deal with Stressful Lives |
| Thirteen things dogs don't understand |
| Q: Why do they bury lawyers 20 feet in the ground?A: Because way deep down they're great people! |
| Q: How does a blind man have sex?A: With his eyes closed. |
| Ways To Confuse Your Roommate |
| Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen? A: That's the proper place to wash vegetables. |
| If a man is talking in the woods, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong? |
| Why does sour cream have an Expiration date? |
| Q: What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?A: About .....35 pounds. |
| A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died." "But you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend."Impossible," said the psychiatrist, "the man who told me is much more reliable than you." |
| The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. |
| If it's called tourist season why can't I shoot them? |
| Why do they call it PMS? Because the name "MAD COW DISEASE" was taken. |
| Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. |
| What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?A walkie-talkie. |
| What did the blonde say when he opened the box of Cheerios?Doughnut seeds! |
| WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT NEED A DIFFERENT LAWYER |
| A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." |
| Things Not To Say To A Cop |
| "The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it." |
| A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly." |
| Two men walk into a bar. The third man ducks. |
| Would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk? |
| Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?Not enough sand. |
| If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? |
| Q: What's the difference between a hooker & a lawyer?A: A hooker stops screwing you when you're dead! |
| "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, sir," the clerk replied."That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you." |
| Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? |
| I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer. |
| If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? |
| Q: Why don't blondes play frisbee?A: It hurts their teeth. |
| Q: why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory? A: He wasn't concentrating. |
| Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? |
| A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants." |
| If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? |
| Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?Dad: That happens in every country, son. |
| How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free. |
| Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?A: Cut the rope. |
| At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man." |
| Q: What do you call a group of blondes in a circle?A: A dope ring!! |
| Only in America |
| Attorney to witness: "And where was the location of the accident?" Witness: "Approximately milepost 499." Attorney: "And where is milepost 499?" Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500." |
| If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes? |
| Top Ten Changes at NASA to accommodate 76 year-old John Glenn's return to space aboard the shuttle "Discovery:" |
| "I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor.""Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?""Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over." |
| Our lips touched, then she crossed her legs and broke my glasses. |
| Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.""Well," said the other woman," that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!" |
| 20 Very Short Books |
| How do you know if a blond has used a computer?A:if there's white out on the screen. |
| What is the speed of dark? |
| YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING WAY TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN..... |
| On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents." |
| A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically: "Why does it have to be a secret?" |
| Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. |
| Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None 'o yo' freakin' business! A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract. |
| Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. |
| Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready. |
| Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. That's a hardware problem. A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down. A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. |
| Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a software problem. A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature. |
| Q: How many Field Service Engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb? A: Who can tell. Field Service Engineers are always in the dark. A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc) |
| Q: How long will it take for a field service engineer to change a light bulb? A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them. |
| Q: How long will it take for a field service engineer to change two dead bulbs? A: They replace your fuse box. |
| Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway. |
| Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There's a primitive for that. |
| Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. |
| Q: How many 'Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: 'Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark. A: None of your damn business! |
| Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it. |
| Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. (''That's all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...'') |
| Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb. |
| Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! |
| Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub. |
| Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. |
| Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. |
| Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs. |
| Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. |
| Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him. |
| Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really only one. |
| Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on. |
| Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession. |
| Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. |
| Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's not funny!!! |
| Q: How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: It's ''Radcliffe Women'' and it's not funny! |
| Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. |
| Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. |
| Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure. |
| Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Both of them. |
| Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions. |
| Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. |
| Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. |
| Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a sh*tload of light bulbs! |
| Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. |
| Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb. |
| Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one. |
| Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say ''Fabulous.'' |
| Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it. |
| Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness. |
| Q: How many public utility workers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10. One to hold the bulb, 6 to rotate the ladder, and 3 to supervise. |
| Q: How many strongmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. |
| Q: How does god change a light bulb? A: He holds the bulb and rotates the planet. |
| Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb?? A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple... Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983 |
| Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in. |
| Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? A: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his. A: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb... |
| Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! |
| Q: How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man. |
| Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There never was any light bulb. Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984. |
| Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb? A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls |
| Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget! |
| Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ---- You should have hit ''n!'' |
| Q: How many ''pro-lifers'' does it take to change a light bulb? A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing. |
| Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb? A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed. |
| Q: How many Harvard grads does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him. |
| Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. |
| Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile... |
| Q: How many a-holes does it take to change a light bulb? A: None; a-holes never see the light anyway. |
| Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. A: Only one. ''Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?'' |
| Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: About one third less than for a regular bulb. |
| Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy. |
| Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? |
| Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb. Notes: Ugh! |
| Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ''Oh wow, is it like dark, man?'' |
| Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. |
| Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him . |
| Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work. |
| Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000 |
| Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs. |
| Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: At least three. (Notes: think height!) |
| Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight. |
| Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution. |
| Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: All of them. |
| Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say ''Sock it to Me.'' (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from Laugh In.) |
| Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list. |
| Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. |
| Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch. |
| Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb? A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again. |
| Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production! |
| Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago. |
| Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? A: one. |
| Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end. |
| Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number. |
| Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: To get to the other side. |
| Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study. |
| Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984. |
| Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... and one to change the bulb. |
| Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out). A: It's out?? Sell my G.E. stock NOW! |
| Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb? A: None, they like to keep him in the dark. |
| Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Depends on what you want to change it into. |
| Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb? A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too. |
| Q: How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb? A: ''Twelve. Ya got a problem with that?'' |
| Q: How many surgeons does it take to replace a light bulb? A: 3. We'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now. |
| Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb. |
| Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark. |
| Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard. |
| Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? A: There is nothing to change. |
| Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Televangelists screw in motels. |
| Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fewer and fewer all the time. |
| "Bill Clinton's official portrait was unveiled at the White House yesterday. Don't kid yourself, there's already trouble. Yesterday, Clinton's portrait was caught hitting on Dolly Madison's portrait." óDavid Letterman |
| "Former President Bush parachuted with an Army Ranger holding him so he wouldn't get hurt on his 80th birthday. This is the same method they use when his son rides a bike." óCraig Kilborn |
| "I guess the people I feel worst for are Carter and Ford. Because they have to be watching all this thinking, we're not getting that." óJon Stewart, on media coverage of Ronald Reagan's death |
| "President Bush has returned after remembering D-Day. Or, as it was known in his house, report card day." óJay Leno |
| What did the horse say when he fell? ìI've fallen and I can't giddy up!î |
| Q. What do cows do for fun? A. They go to MOO-vies! |
| Q. What are the two main political parties in Canada? A. Moose and Squirrel |
| Q. What do you call a cow murder mystery? A. moo-done-it. |
| Q. What do you call a chicken that crosses the road rolls in dirt and comes back? A. dirty double crosser |
| Q. What did the father buffalo say to the son buffalo when he left for school? A. Bison! |
| Q. What do you get when you cross a centipede with a turkey? A. Drumsticks for everybody! |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_3.txt |
|---|
| @@ -0,0 +1,667 @@ |
|---|
| Instead of The sandy Hook students recieving books... They got Magazines instead. |
| A woman was telling her friend , "I helped my husband become a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" "A billionaire." |
| DNA Test :) Dad: What?s ur Result? Son: I?ve failed in 5 subjects. Dad: From now Onwards Don?t Call Me ?DAD?. Son: Oh Come On Dad! Its my School Test Not a DNA Test.. :-D |
| My wife says I never listen. I can prove she's wrong. That's because she never says anything |
| A Redditor posted ten wordplay jokes hoping one would get to the front page... No pun in ten did. |
| Jack and his llama walked into a bar... They ordered a drink and had a good time. |
| Why did the praying mantis cannibalize her boyfriend He refused to eat her |
| Have you heard about the new emo pizza? It cuts itself |
| Why do fascists hate snowflakes? Because of Stalingrad flashbacks |
| Who is the most poetic videogame character? Sonnet the Hedgehog |
| I already got a date this valentine's day. Her name is Emma, Emma Gination. |
| What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? A trophy. |
| What are the three rings of marriage? The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering. |
| Thyme is actually the most medicinal herb it heals all wounds |
| What did the Syrian say about the airline food? He'd say it was awful if he could get on the plane. |
| Did you guys hear about striking women? I think it's dreadful, nobody should be striking women. |
| I love open-minded people. Like JFK and Kurt Cobain. |
| Who came first. The chicken or the egg A very embarrassed rooster |
| My mom told me some bad news today... She said her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter. |
| A family had two boys and a girl named Anne... the brothers shared a common Anne sister. |
| Top tip: buying heroin? Get some extra for later. It's a bit more-ish. |
| Balding grizzles pass their genes to their offspring or... Bare bears bear bare bears. |
| Only every guy gets this..... Morning Wood |
| Why does Dr Pepper come in cans? Because his wife left him. |
| Why did the bee order a cup of coffee? For a quick buzz |
| Why can't the pony yell? His voice is too horse. |
| "Hey girl look me in the eyes" "Mmmmmno" "Why not" "I have a boyfriend. In fact I shouldn't be here sucking your dick" |
| Only pre-2017 kids will get this A decent public education |
| Don't sleep with any girl... Don't sleep with any girl that can spell gonorrhea correctly, without looking it up. |
| Person 1 to person 2: whats up my brother from another mother Person 2: aren't we siblings? Person 1: yeah sorry you're adopted |
| Why are lawyers buried deeper than regular people? Because deep down, they're really nice guys. |
| What's the least heavy kind of energy? Light Energy |
| A guy came into my shoe shop today He said, "I'd like a pair of red shoes please." "Certainly sir," I replied. "What size?" "Size 40." Fucking clown. |
| Thanks to World War I There are now more airplanes in the ocean than their are submarines in the sky. |
| If your life is awful, get a rope and a stool ...and find the next tree. Throw the rope over a branch and attach the stool to the rope. Now you've got a swing. |
| Why does Nancy suck at foot races? Her boots are made for walking |
| How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, but nobody knows how they got in there |
| Someone stole my pencil case off my desk and ran with it I guess it's no longer stationery |
| I love discussing religion with the cashier at the supermarket Because the customer is always right |
| Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man He's always looking over his shoulder. |
| What did the high Australian scientist say to his partner Stoichi while holding a broccoli? "Oy Stoichi oy'ma tree! Pretty cool huh?" |
| I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she said 'treat me like a princess!' I'm having her killed in a traffic accident in Paris. |
| My doctor gave me 4 weeks to live He said he'll shoot me if I still can't pay his bill. |
| Yesterday someone knocked on my door. When I opened it I was surprised to see Bill Gates standing on my front porch. "Have you accepted the Microsoft Terms and Conditions into your heart?" he asked. Apparently he's joined the Windows Witnesses. |
| What's the difference between the Catholic Church and Pimples... Pimples don't come on your face until you turn 10 |
| What do you call a millionaire in the white house? A public offender |
| Why are Catholics so anti-abortion? Because if women stop having kids, who are the priests going to rape? |
| The Catholic church and sexual abuse... Is a pretty touchy subject if you ask me. |
| Not everyone may think digging tunnels is exciting Some may even call it boring |
| How to reclose an opened bottle of champagne? I don't know, ask Falcons fans. |
| Did you ever notice that No 2 pencils look alike? It's true |
| Why are there no "B" batteries? You would never be able to ask for them without sounding like you have a stutter. "B-Batteries please" |
| A man loses his wife to cancer. Frustrated and depressed, he goes to sleep for the night. We wakes up with a massive erection. Guess you could say he had mourning wood. |
| What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut. |
| Where did Sally go after the bombing? Everywhere |
| The Trump cabinet is truly diverse. I counted at least 3 different shades of white in it. |
| What's worse than a satellite around Saturn? A probe in Uranus. |
| My neighbors listen to great music. Whether they like it or not. |
| If you bring back Australian gold from an alternate universe. You have AU AU Au. |
| I was walking late at night. And saw three strong men beating an old lady, i got into the fight ... And we almost kill the bitch. |
| student loans... that's it, that's the joke. It takes like 1000 years to pay off your debt. Longer than it took you to earn your degree. |
| What was the first thing Adam said to Eve ? "Stand back .... I don't know how big this thing is going to grow!" |
| Why did everyone pass the final confectioner exam? It was a piece of cake |
| Friends are like peeing in your pants... Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth. |
| Why are suicidal people so good at doing laundry. Because they're good at hanging things. |
| What do you call an empty bottle of Cheese Whiz? Cheese Was. |
| What did the German sausage say to the French bread? Gluten tag! |
| We all know a Mexican standoff and a Canadian standoff So an American standoff is when two people are flipping each other off but you know nothing's going to happen. |
| Two men go bear hunting. The first man asks, "Have you ever hunted bear before?" The second man replies, "No, but I've been fishing in shorts." |
| Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Because he's a fuckin' creep. |
| A Russian alcoholic loses the key to car... His wife wakes him from his drunken slumber. "Where are the keys to the car!?" she demands. "Vodka? Whiskey?" he replies. (read with Russian accent) |
| My mom has this really weird fetish. She liked dressing up as herself all the time and then acting like a total fucking bitch |
| I no longer saw the point in swordfighting.... I no longer saw the point in swordfighting after it blinded both my eyes. |
| How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck its dick |
| A priest and a rabbi are at a wedding... the priest sees an altar boy, and says, "man I'd really like to screw him." The rabbi responds by saying, "out of what?" |
| What city has the most people eating waffles on the beach? San Diego |
| Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin says to the other "Man, it's hot in here!" The other muffin says "HOLY SHIT, A TALKING MUFFIN?!?!" |
| How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It?s a hardware problem. |
| Waiting at the bus station ?Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?? ?No, not a soul, actually.? ?Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!? |
| My teacher told me if I slept with her I'd get an A for the semester. I love being homeschooled |
| Getting pulled over Police officer to a driver: ?OK, driver?s license, vehicle license, first aid kit and warning triangle.? Driver: ?Nah, I?ve already got all that. But how much for that funny Captain?s cap?? |
| I used to buy my ex chocolate all the time She was such a bitch, I hoped it would kill her |
| How do you make a pound of fat look good? Put a nipple on it |
| The red man lives in the red house, the orange man lives in the orange house, and the yellow man lives in the yellow house. Who lives in the white house? Also the orange man. |
| Republicans are the true snowflakes... they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry! its a joke folks. just a joke. |
| 2100s kids won't get this Jobs (Robots will take them all) |
| A blind man walks into a bar... and a table... and a chair. |
| A Buddhist Monk walks up to a hotdog stand. "make me one with everything" |
| My ex and I didn't work out because of our birth signs I'm a cancer she was a cunt, her Pisces smelled like a Taurus and she was anything but a Virgo |
| They say you are what you eat That explains why I'm such a pussy |
| Android users won't get this. Update. |
| What is software engineering? It is a bad joke. |
| What do you call a nurse working on a pirate ship? An Arrrrr - N |
| What do you call a dog with no legs? I really doesn't matter he's not gonna come. |
| Windows 10 users won't get this. Privacy. |
| Did you guys hear about identity theft? Sharon is Karen! |
| Did you hear about the two tornados in Las Vegas? They decided to elope after a whirlwind romance! |
| What did mummy tower say to the baby tower Here comes the aeroplane! |
| Trump did a better job getting people to exercise in 1 month than Michelle Obama did in 8 years Look at all those protesters on the streets! |
| Why can't French people count to 5? There's a tree in the way. |
| Why are vegetables so hard to eat sometimes? The wheelchairs |
| Where did Muhammad go after the bombing? Everywhere |
| I destroy every string instrument I find... As a part of my vow of non-violins. |
| Doctor! I think I have a concussion! Doctor: "Dont worry, Its all in your head" |
| Why doesn't anyone hear psychiatrists in the bathroom? The p is silent. |
| What did the pistachio say to the peanut? Who wants to eat something that starts with P and ends with NUTs? |
| Who designed bathtubs? Seriously, I haven't been able to fully sit comfortably submerged in a bath tub since I was 11. |
| What did the Spanish Optometrist say to his Patient? Si? |
| What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick? The man. |
| Women keep telling me to "stop itemizing them" Then they go and call me a dickhead |
| Only 2010's kids will get this... Measles |
| Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him! I'll leave. |
| What happened to the cheerleader when she did the splits? 20 class rings fell out. |
| I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog. It scared the shit out of him and now I need some for my carpet :( |
| "Hey, I heard somebody called you an owl today." Who? |
| Only vaccinated kids will get this... Autism. |
| What's the difference between a 2017 Tesla and 50 dead babies? I don't have a 2017 Tesla in my garage. |
| What's the difference between E.T. and an illegal immigrant? E.T. learned the language, and eventually went home. |
| I noticed something about the letter "B" Sometimes it makes subtle appearances |
| What do you call a team-up between a maniac, a random white guy, and the head of the Vatican? Snapped, Cracker and Pope |
| How does a reptile climb a mountain? It scales it |
| How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only 1, but the lightbulb has to be willing to change |
| What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted |
| Only gay men from the 1980s will get this... The gradual acceptance into society. What did you think I was going to say, you sick fucks. |
| A man walks into a bar One man says, "give me some h2o" A second man walks in and says, "give me some h2o too" The second man dies. |
| Why was the snowman so upset? Because somebody had stolen his nose and the police didn't carrot all! |
| Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman |
| What's a caterpillar afraid of? A dogapillar |
| What do you say to a Mexican guy in a vegetative state? Coma estas? |
| What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Phil-lip Phil-lop. |
| What did JayZ call Beyonce before they got married? Feyonce |
| I was supposed to be filming a porno but I was late to the set. The cameraman phoned me up and said, "Will you be long?" I said, "Yes, around 9 inches." |
| Why California hates Donald Trump? Because life in California is like GTA (Grand Theft Auto). |
| The doctor says i have myopic attendance syndrome I can't see myself coming in to work today. |
| If the Earl of Lemongrab had hair... ...do you think he'd use an acceptable conditioner to keep it soft? |
| What do you call a rabbit with fleas Bugs bunny |
| How do you eat your Reese's? Witherspoon |
| I had to quit my job as a pool cleaner... It was too draining. |
| The last time I was someone's type, I was donating blood. |
| I want to be like Leonardo DiCaprio from Inception. He has a dream job. |
| My friend is blind, you know what that means... he can't see. |
| My belt was looking a bit worn so I bought a new one.. I hope it holds up. |
| The Trump administration has chosen the next movie to screen after 'Finding Dory'. True Lies. |
| Why is a Jewish canoe the safest boat to be in? It never tips! Bonus: How do you pick up a Jewish girl? With a dustpan and a broom. |
| Only 00's Kids Will Get This Jesus Christ. |
| Made me laugh more than I should have! What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?! An investigator. |
| What do you call an Apple update you don't see coming? An iPatch... I'm sorry... |
| What did the little Ethiopian boy get for his 4th birthday? Flowers. |
| I followed Dwayne Johnson for an hour and when he wasn't looking I slapped his arse. He turned around and punched me in the face. That's what happens when you hit rock bottom. |
| Why do divers fall off the boat backwards?? Cuz if they fell forward they wud still be in the boat |
| What's the opposite of irony? Wrinkly. |
| A man walks into a bar and takes a seat. He later gets arrested for petty theft. |
| A German tank commander boasted "One Tiger can take on ten Shermans!" And an American replied "Good thing we have eleven." |
| There are three men on a boat with a pack of cigarettes and no matches. How did they manage to smoke? They threw a cigarette overboard, and made the boat a cigarette lighter |
| Trump keeps calling CNN "fake" news because... it's consistent with what Melania keeps telling him are "real" orgasms. |
| What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle? Optimistic. |
| What do you call a Japanese man in America with $8932 and 40 cents? A Mill*yen*aire. ...Yeah I know I'm a shitbird. |
| What do Donald Trump and the iPhone 7 have in common? They both think de-porting is the answer when there?s no more Jobs. |
| Why do girls like the Falcons? Because they like chokers! |
| Jobs that dont exist anymore... Steve |
| Why did the Sultan leave his job at Mattress City? He was already a manager at Ottoman Empire |
| What's a neologasm? It's a really good neologism. |
| Ronaldo hits his head and is injured. Manager shouts 'support his head' quick! The fans chant 'Ronaldo's head! Ronaldo's head!' Manager shouts 'Call him an ambulance!' The fans chant 'Ronaldo's an ambulance! Ronaldo's an ambulance!' |
| I am awesome at Russian Roulette. I've NEVER lost! |
| What happened to the frog parked in a handicap spot? He go toad. |
| The first rule of The Liars Club: Tell everybody you're in the Fight Club |
| How does Harry Potter like to go down hills? Walking j.k. ...rowling |
| What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip. |
| There was a very angry bodybuilder psychologist He had Freud rage |
| Shorty! Yo' momma is so short, I can see her feet in her driver's license. =?>#=?>#=?># |
| I would be a great Politician... I'm really good at pissing everyone off. |
| How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool. |
| What do you call a Panda who eats, shoots, and leaves? A Pandit. (bandit) OC by BatManBenJamIn |
| Something only 6000bc kids will get THE original OPs mom. |
| I was startled by a loud fart... I was fartled. |
| 2010s Kids won't get this A good president. |
| Only Baby Boomers will get this... The Draft. |
| Y'know what I find odd? Whole numbers that are not divisible by 2. |
| When Henry VIII has trouble in school, what does he do? He hires a Tudor. |
| How do you tell the difference between a Methodist and a Baptist? Methodist will say hi in a liquor store. |
| I wrote on my little sisters cast today "They say the lack of brain in a blonde is accounted for with brawn... Guess not" |
| What do clams do for their birthday? They shellibrate... |
| only 30's kids will get this: The holocaust. |
| Heard about the famous italian chef that died? He pastaway, here today gone tomato,we cannoli do so much. He will be pizza history! |
| Two soldiers are in a tank Both of them drowned Credit: from a comment by /u/KillarKittens, slightly modified |
| What do Magic Johnson, Charlie Sheen and roughly 250,000 children in Africa have in common? A continuing chance to create a better tomorrow. You **sick** bastards. |
| '70s kids won't get this Measles |
| Only African people will get this Ebola |
| I like my women like i like my coffee. I fucking hate coffee. |
| You know you live in a first world country..... When you're not dead |
| What is the difference between a cucumber and a shark attack? One is a pickle you can make, the other is a pickle you can't escape. |
| Why are fights between fictional creatures so boring? Because they always drag on. |
| Just because it's simple, doesn't mean it's easy Unless we're talking about your mom |
| I just heard there was a cure for dyslexia. That's like music to my arse! |
| What do you call sodium chloride beating someone up with Bruce Lee's corpse? A salt with a dead Lee weapon |
| I learned a new way to stop the pot from boiling over Stick your fucking face in it |
| What do you call some who kidnaps cats? A kittnapper. |
| What do you call a Chinese guy covered in iron? A Chink in the Armor OC pls no steal |
| If you're American before you go to the bathroom, and you're American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you are in the bathroom? European! |
| Only anti-vaxxers will get this... Polio |
| Deaf people seem to be the best at relationships They always let their hands do the talking |
| What's the deal with airline food? Oh wait, there is no deal because it's overpriced when available. |
| The US have been really progressive in the last decade... In 2009 they got their first black president, and this year they got their first orange one! |
| Only Coal Miners Will Get This Black lung disease. |
| The School Janitor Janitor: I know im just a school janitor, but my eldest son is in M.I.T., his younger brother in Princeton, and my youngest in Harvard. Student: (amazed) Wow, what are they studying? Janitor: Oh no, they are janitors as well. |
| My girlfriend is leaving me because of my obsession with pasta I'm feeling cannelloni right now |
| Linkin Park's web developer spent hours trying to fix a byte ordering bug. He tried so hard and got so far, but in the endian it doesn't even matter. |
| NSA.. Always listening to our customers. |
| Only 1700's sailors will get this... Scurvy |
| Frequent browsers of /r/jokes will not get this. Laid. |
| Why is improve comedy like a dead language? Because it's Sanscript. |
| A world without women... ...would be a pain the ass. |
| Some people are into carbon dating. It's not for me. I dated carbon once, turns out they made everything up. |
| People want to boycott brands because of political and religious views I just want to be able to afford those brands. |
| What's the difference between Reddit and Pornhub? On pornhub they down vote trash |
| I like my soda like I like my women Flat and room temperature. |
| Why did the sperm cross the road? Because you put on the wrong sock this morning. |
| Dave drowned So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted. - Gary Delaney, 2010 |
| I just got my first BMW! Which tires are best for splashing puddles at cyclists and pedestrians? |
| An evil mathematician makes a plan to multiply binomials It was FOILed |
| if your phone is damaged place it in a bowl of rice this will attract Asians who will fix your phone. if no Asians can be attracted with rice try uranium |
| Wanna hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism. |
| What's the funniest pepper? A jajajajajalapeÒo. |
| Dont know how to say the word GIF? Just prounounce the G how its pronounced in gigantic |
| Welcome to Atlanta where the players play. For two and a half quarters then get blown away. |
| Life is short, how bout a blowjob? You might not think it's funny, but my wife found it hilarious. |
| Da Bomb Guy 1: You da bomb Guy 2: No, you da bomb In America: a compliment. In the Middle East: an argument |
| What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue. |
| Ned Stark's death was foretold in his daughter's name Because when he died, she was sans a Stark |
| What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable |
| What's the difference between Donald Trump and Aaron Burr? Trump *doesn't* want to be in the room where it happens. |
| My girlfriend is like a diamond. I don't have a diamond. |
| If flossing is a pain in the ass you are doing it at the wrong end |
| What was the name of the Greek hero who couldn't stop swaying from side to side? Oscillates I'm not even going to apologise for this one. |
| Fun fact: Betsy Devos' name contains every letter of the alphabet that she knows of. |
| Doctor, am I dying? "Doctor, am I dying? I hurt all over, I can't sleep at night, and I have trouble staying conscious" Doctor: Nope, you're just a college student. |
| What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the titanic? About halfway. |
| If two vegans are fighting... ...is it still called a beef? |
| At a Nazi mine A worker calls out to Hitler: "Sir, we are mining too many useless Ores" [Hitler rubs his chin, contemplating] "So mine less" [Grammar Nazi chimes in, from above] "MINE FEWER" [Hitler looks up] "Yes?" |
| Recruitment lady on phone - Sir I have two openings for you.. Me - Yes, I know. (Long silence) Her - asshole Me - prefer the other one... |
| I ordered some flowers for my wife from 1800Flowers... Now what is she going to do with a truckload of roses? |
| Three nuns were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walks by The first nun, well, she had a stroke. The second nun, why, she also had a stroke. The third nun didn't touch it. |
| I don't usually brag..... I don't usually brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding. |
| What do you get if you add yeast to soup? A souprise |
| My ex always used to annoy me by saying I have terrible aim for a hitman. I miss her. |
| The paranormal community is in an uproar over a recent surge in "black ghost" sightings only near sources of light Despite proof these are shadows, no one knows what (or who) these entities are. |
| 1989 Alaskan Wild life will get this... Oil |
| Only 50,000 BC kids will get this Ugga: Ung bung uhh mang Bunga tankun ung Bunga: Nanga uhh ung tangung uhh...unganun Ugga: Inga Bunga langa ung ugg Ugga? Bunga: Ung bunga uhh tangung angu OOK OOOOOK |
| The Mexican word of the day.. The Mexican word of the day is cashew. Like I'll cashew outside, how bout dat? |
| What do you call a native american who's balding? A patchy. |
| Can circumsized men ride bikes on the sidewalk? ..or do you have to be a complete dick.. |
| Back in the 70's you could hold out your hand and a car would pick you up and take you where you need.... Today we call that child abduction. |
| Heard the sperm bank gives $50 for your sperm. I have a sock in my room worth $3000. |
| My mother-in-law fell in a wishing well. I didn't know they worked. |
| A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." |
| A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *poof* & he disappeared without a tres! |
| What's Donald Trump's favorite operating system? Windows. |
| I went to jail after dropping the soap. I mean gel, learned my lesson the first time. |
| How tall is Betsy DeVos? We don't know, she can't measure growth. |
| What does a bee say when it returns to it's hive? Honey, I'm home! |
| The awards ceremony at the dog show went horribly wrong. The trophy maker had a grudge against the show. To shame them, the 6 foot trophy was of a feline's behind instead of a pedigree dog. Showrunners and dog owners called the event a "Catastrophe." |
| My girlfriend said she wanted to try and get rid of her "love handles". I told her she would look stupid without any ears. |
| what is cows favorite video sharing website MOOtube |
| What's the difference between your friends and an asshole? I don't stab my asshole when it talks shit. |
| How many Potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None. |
| How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish family? Zero. |
| Why do midgets always laugh when they play soccer? Because the grass tickles their balls. |
| What do you call the American president when he's taking his prescription hair-loss medication? ...IM-P.O.T.U.S. |
| According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking. Because if there?s one thing women love, it?s a man who can lie. |
| My girlfriend said she dosent want to be with me anymore I was very suprised that my right hand can talk |
| Deaf people seem tough to me Because they always let their fists do the talking |
| You know your pitbull loves you when... You wake up with all your limbs intact. |
| Four rappers are asked to think of a word that rhymes with orange Eminem: Door hinge Lil Wayne: nigga Chris brown: orange Lil b: bicycle |
| My friend started annoying me with fowl bird puns But toucan play at that game |
| The teacher asks the class to use a sentence with the words defense and defeat. The Mexican rasies his hand and says, "I jumped dee fence with dee feet." |
| If Vladimir Putin wanted to poison a Mexican political enemy, would he use pollonium... Or would he be too chicken? |
| Here's an insider tip that will save you thousands on your next vacation. Don't go. |
| I don't trust anyone with a conspiracy theory, man. I think they are all up to something. |
| Why did the cow go to the gym? To work on his calves. |
| Trump is a real asset to the country! Fucking Siri! I said *Ass Hat* not *Asset*!!! |
| Sometimes when I turn off the lights and masturbate, it feels like Jesus is watching me. Mexican prison is shit. |
| What does a neckbeard get when he's sick A malady. |
| I hate housework. You do the dishes and you do the washing. Then six months later you have to start again. |
| I took my wife out the other day. What a great shot it was. |
| I built a Rollercoaster park but it's not as good as a lot of others It definitely has its ups and downs thiugh |
| Why should you never trust harp players? They're always pulling strings |
| So a conservative and a liberal walk into a bar. The bartender says, "it's malt liquor night, in honor of black history month. Can I get you a 40?" The liberal says "sure that sounds all right." The conservative says "no thanks I'm alt-right." |
| 90s kids won't get this either Jobs |
| Two fish are in a tank... Suddenly, one turns to the other and says: "Do you know how to drive this thing?" |
| How does one think the unthinkable with an itheberg |
| whats the saddest story called? my wife. |
| What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippy? The hockey player showers after three periods. |
| There is a fine line between numerator and denominator but only a fraction of people will get the joke |
| Did you hear the joke of the bathroom? I didn't either; the door was closed! |
| A man walks into an online forum.. A man walks into an online forum and tells a joke that nobody really understands. Get it? |
| How do you get a fish on the line? You call him. |
| Where did Timmy go during the explosion? **EVERYWHERE**. He had a newfound respect for life after being spared from such a life-changing event. He went to Arizona, Colorado, New York, England, then settled down in Paris with his now-engaged girlfriend. |
| My son is nearly 21 years old, but he still gets pampered. He says he's ready for big boy undies, but I'm not sure. |
| What's the difference between Betsy DeVos and a Grizzly Bear? Betsy DeVos is an actual threat to school children. |
| I am a serial monogomist I am loyal to my cornflakes. |
| '90s kids won't get this (cont.) Measles. |
| Everyone loves to talk about how much they support people with mental illness, but they never follow through when I ask them for help Then they're all like "oh my god" and "calm down" and "sir this is the produce isle please stop crying into the cabbage" |
| Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentines Day... ...the side chick is you. |
| I like my coffee black and without crackers. |
| Donald Trump calls the media 'fake news' even when they're directly quoting something he said/tweeted... ...but since most of the things he says are fake, by transitive property, the news is fake too |
| The doctor gave me 6 months to live. So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved. |
| When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails& and beat my parents to death. My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards. |
| I searched up why incest porn has become so popular this year. Apparently Alabama just recently got internet connection. |
| Breaking: Betsy DeVos has cancelled.... the subject-verb agreement. |
| What do traffic lights and liberals have in common? They stop you turning right.. even though it?s safe to do so. *And I?m sure there?s more& please feel free to add ! |
| What do you call the wife of a hippy? Mississippi |
| Only 1300's kids will get this.. The Black Plague |
| Subreddits appreciating something usually have one of two titles: Xisbeautiful(r/dataisbeautiful) or Xporn(r/earthporn) Let's just say that r/internetisbeautiful would have a lot more subscribers if they chose the latter |
| Does your Mum like chicken? No? I bet your Nando's |
| When God closes a door He opens a window. THAT'S WHY IT'S SO FUCKING COLD IN HERE! |
| What do you call a food that used to be enjoyed by the poor, but is now eaten by the wealthy elite? Gentrifried rice. |
| !false It's funny because it's true. |
| This morning I woke up to a blow job. Oh wait, my job blows every morning. |
| Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus They say its bark is worse than its bite. |
| What did one drunk muslim say to another? I'm drunk Ash-faq |
| When you disagree with someone, it is always better to walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile away from them. And you'll have their shoes. |
| Was hit by a rental car earlier today... It still Hertz. |
| What the best way to get anybody's pussy wet? Drop their cat in a pool |
| What did the grape say when it got squashed? Nothing; it just let out a little wine. |
| What type of weather is the most offensive? Darude - Sandstorm |
| That awkward moment when you realise your new 'promotion' involves less power, less money, and less influence.# -DJT |
| What's the difference between a Ferrari and 3 dead babies... I don't have a Ferrari in my garage. |
| Got sacked from my drug counselling job just because they didn't like my motto. 'It's my way or the highway'. |
| What is a wolfs favorite puzzle? AWOOObix cube! |
| What do you call an illegal immigrant fighting a child rapist? Alien vs Predator |
| Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling. Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake, Ryan Gosling. Shit. I guess I do have an obsession with Britney's peers. |
| Trump is the type of guy who will look you square in the eye and shake your hand like a man. While taking a piss on your boots. |
| A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods The bear turned around and asked the rabbit, "do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" "No" the rabbit replied. So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit. |
| What did one ¿ rad say to the other ¿ rad? "arrrr matey!" |
| A man describes his dreams to the psychiatrist. Man - "Last night I dreamed that I was a teepee. The night before I dreamed that I was a yurt. What does it mean?" Psychiatrist - "You're two tents." |
| Two cows are standing in a field. *The first cow says*: did you hear about that "mad cow disease" that's going around? That sounds pretty terrible. *The second cow says*: yeah, it does. Good thing us chickens don't have to worry about that! |
| Martelleus Bennett is refusing to meat with Donald Trump. Yeah, he's a real Patriot. |
| GoT joke: What do you call a Dothraki who does jumping jacks every morning? Khal Isthenics. |
| The restaurant Hooters is known for two things... ...boobs. |
| How does a mathematician solve their constipation? They work it out with a pencil |
| Why is the music award show in Canada called the Junos? Because everytime someone wins, everyone goes "Juno who that is?" |
| I used to have diarrhea ...but then I got my shit together. |
| Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Yes February 14th. |
| Why did gravity and magnetism hook up? We don't fully know, but there were definitely forces of attraction at work. |
| "....so then my wife told me to run out and get her some Head & Shoulders" "......nevertheless, this court still finds you guilty Mr. Dahmer" |
| Why do hummingbirds hum? They forgot the lyrics |
| Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now? Andy has diabetes |
| Why did a scientist install a door knocker? coz he wanted to win a no-bell prize!!!!!!!! |
| How do you teach someone to make an omelette? Show them an eggsample |
| I've never understood giving flowers to someone on Valentine's Day. "Here's a dying plant... because i love you?" |
| I would call Donald Trump a cunt but he lacks both depth and warmth. |
| So I Heard Facebook has got a new fake news filter. All I wanna know is when they're gonna get the real one. |
| What do Betsy Devos and Jared from Subway have in common? Both of their main goal is to fuck children. |
| Did you hear the one about all the missing women in the area? No? Thats good then... |
| Two employees are standing next to a water cooler talking... One says to the other "Yaknow, our boss says we should be extraordinary but he's average in more ways than one" "Yeah," says the other "you could say he's a double standard!" |
| Sex with no strings attached? Don't shag a puppet. |
| The best thing about Betsy DeVos being nominated as the head of department of education ... is the fact they are abolishing it completely. |
| I think my cellmate was gay last time I went to jail His dick tasted like shit |
| What piece of sporting equipment is best for provoking a debate? Discus. |
| Some people just have a way with words and other people & oh & not have way |
| Stranger: "I've got no friends." Me: "You're not alone." |
| Prison sex... It's con-sensual. |
| What do cows produce during an earthquake? MILKSHAKE!!!! |
| Two whales walk into a bar.... The first one says: "AOOOOOUUUUUOOOUUUUGGGAAAAUUUOOOOOOOOOOAAAAGOOOOGGGGUUUUUAAAAAAAAA" The second one says: " Go home steve, your drunk |
| August 6, 1945 Hiroshima The day Rice Krispies were invented. |
| What was U2's lawyer's hourly rate? Nothing, he was pro-Bono |
| I was reading a book about paint today and I just burst into tears I was overcome by emulsion |
| What did O say to Q? Put that thing away, there are kids here. |
| Betsy DeVos's school funding plan... You start with $0. But if you sign up 5 kids for school, and those kids sign up 5 more kids, and THOSE kids sign up 5 more kids... |
| Two balloons were flying in the desert... ... and one of them said: "Be careful, there's a cactusssssssssssssssssssssssss". |
| What do you call a super model with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese |
| Never date a tennis player Love means nothing to them - Matt Winning, 2015 |
| I love hyperbole It is literally the best thing ever! |
| My wife is like the square root of -100... A perfect 10, but completely imaginary |
| "Which hand do you use to stir your coffee?" "My right?" "How original, I use a spoon" |
| How do you stop a mole from digging? Take his shovel away |
| What's Donald Trump's spirit animal? The wall-rus. Yes, I do hate myself. |
| How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Never mind, it's an obscure number you probably haven't even heard of before. |
| My American Car... was Made in Mexico. My Japanese car was Made in America. |
| I can only mourn something viewed with my own two eyes... As they say, seeing is bereaving. |
| People think I'm a pervert... People think I'm a pervert because I sleep with a 9 year old. But you have to remember, dog years are 7 times longer than ours. |
| So my wife walked into the room while I was having sex with my daughter...... I wasn't sure what she was more freaked out by, the fact that I was fucking our daughter, or that the abortion clinic gave me the fetus. |
| Why couldn't the ginger bread man walk? Because he had crummy legs. |
| Trumps favourite joke. What do sharks and people have in common? The only great ones are white. |
| Two teenagers snuck into a crypt at night. One tripped over a small bone and the other unashamedly laughed. Can't blame him though, it was a little humerus. |
| Frank the Human Cannonball retired yesterday and has yet to be replaced... The circus owner said, "It's hard to find another man of that caliber." |
| Nintendo, don't be a Valve Make Luigi's Mansion 3! |
| I get paranoid when I smoke Sometimes I get paranoid when I smoke, like last time I got so high I convinced myself my girlfriend was sleeping with my bestfriend. Luckily for me though it was only my second best friend. |
| I lead a pretty rock n roll lifestyle I wake up stoned and roll out of bed |
| There?s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell. Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass? |
| Pakistani breakup line Boy to Girl: It's not you, it's my goat ! |
| RenÈ Descartes walks into a bar.... The bartender asks if he'd like a beer. "I think not." and he promptly vanished from existence. |
| When life hands you lemons.....Make lemonade Then, find someone for whom life has handed them Vodka.... |
| The Sanders/Cruz debate was really weird It was like peeking into an alternate dimension where both parties had hindsight |
| Why was the mathematician overweight? Because he ate three squared meals a day |
| What's the tallest building in the world? A library, cause it has so many stories |
| Why do Phish concerts have the best drugs? Because if you're not tripping ballsack you'll realize you paid 45 bucks to listen to cheese eating Vermontians tune their instruments for 6 fucking hours. |
| If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests? STUPID. |
| Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. |
| What did Robocop say to the criminal he's fucking to death? "Dead or alive, you're coming with me." |
| What's the hardest part when telling a gay joke? Keeping a straight face. |
| I saw my first coloured movie today One guy was half black and half white and another guy was half white and half black |
| Why are Marxists good at hiding? Commieflage. |
| Crazy times. Republicans silenced Elizabeth Warren. Do you know what kind of power that takes? To silence the world's loudest woman? |
| The dentist told me I need a crown. I'm like, "I know, right?!" |
| A prominent art collector quits the Cabinet immediately after his confirmation He had stumbled into the wrong auction |
| I screamed my crushes name while having sex with my girlfriend But she didn't care 'cause Mercy isn't our safeword. |
| What do you get when you cross a Hells Angel with a Jehovah's witness? They come to your door and tell you to fuck off |
| What's the difference between Japanese sake bars and doctors in Oregon? One of them serves adults in Asia... |
| When do people have unhappy bowel movements? On sad-turd-days. |
| How does a quarterback discipline his kids? Intentional Grounding |
| Why don't squirrels mate in the summer? Because they're storing their nuts for the winter. |
| Bin Laden said it was ok to masterbate.... I guess they should have called themselves the Tali-whackers. |
| Chlorine texts potassium, asking to borrow an electron. Potassium replies, "K" |
| It's 2018. A student insults his teacher, "without us, you wouldn't have a job!" The teacher looks him in the eye, and says "without your parents' money, you wouldn't have a teacher" |
| '90s kids won't get this Social security |
| On a scale of Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky How much do you love your kids? |
| What's the difference between a Republican senator and a prostitute? A prostitute takes your money to fuck you. A Republican senator collects money from someone else and then fucks your children. |
| I posted "In the end, I hope Trump is just a bump in the road and we go on about our business" Was answered "yeah, in that case, the line of cars waiting their turn will stretch to the horizon" |
| Why is there no such thing as a drug sniffing dog ? Because the dog will high at training |
| What did the Bunny say to the Carrot? I'm going to eat you! |
| Dear Justin Bieber haters, please respect him I owe him my life. Last year August, i had been in a coma for 6 months. Then one day my nurse turned on the radio to his songs. So i woke up and turned it off.. |
| Why don't women fart? They can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up any pressure. |
| Why do guys snore when they sleep on their back Their balls fall over their asshole and the air has nowhere else to go |
| My husband almost gave me a heart attack when he said "I like my men like I like my coffee...." "and I fucking hate coffee." |
| The rancher had 196 cows But when he rounded them up he had 200 |
| I can't believe they are still together after all those years of shit Who? My butt cheeks |
| Does anybody know how to get rid of smelly feet? Asking for a foot |
| My neighbors caught me watching them have sex through their bedroom window and told my parents. My dad made me apologize and told the couple I was normally above that type of behavior. I took the advice and started watching through the skylight. |
| Just found a hat with a hundred pound in it!!! The guy playing the guitar was well jealous that he never noticed it first! Chased me all the way down the street. |
| TIL Abraham Lincoln is the only president that cannot be convicted of a crime Because he's innocent. |
| What do you do if you miss your mother-in-law? Reload. (Thanks Bob Dylan via Theme Time Radio Hour) |
| My friend asked me what my sex life has been like in the past..... I said it was like the Bowling Green Massacre :( |
| What's the difference between a frog and a horny toad? Frog said ribbit ribbit. The horny toad said rubbit rubbit |
| What do Spanish people call their young Jewish friends? Amigos Menorahs. |
| What do Princess Kate and Osama bin Laden have in common? They both had their back doors blown out by a guy in the navy. |
| What do you call a dog kennel in San Francisco? Luxury apartments |
| "No" means "NO"!..... Unless she's dyslexic, then **it's ON!** |
| A man approached Captain Von Trap and said, "No offense, but is that short haired blonde single?" "Nun taken." |
| A cop goes up to the window of a car he's just pulled over Cop: "Any drugs or alcohol today?" Man: "No but I vape" Cop: "Look pal, I don't give a shit if you're gay, just answer the question." |
| I tried to start an online bakery. But I accidentally deleted all my cookies. |
| I just spawned in and instantly died... But isn't that how abortion works? |
| What comes after 69? Listerine. |
| What do you get if you cross a Rottweiler and a Labrador? A dog that scares the shit out of you then runs away with the toilet roll. |
| How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram |
| Wanna get a pizza and fuck? Guy: Hey, wanna get a pizza and fuck? Girl: No. Guy: What? You don't like pizza. |
| Make your Betsy DeVos jokes soon.. While people can still read |
| My buddy and I both have the flu. I invited him over for Netflix & chills. |
| Why should women stop having children after 35? Because 36 is too many |
| How is driving a Ford truck similar to visiting Thailand? Either way, you're likely to blow a tranny |
| If you cited something from Reddit... I guess you could call it Creddit |
| The trampoline used to be called a jumpoline. They changed the name to Tramponline when my Mother in law got one. |
| Two cows are eating grass in a field The first turns to the second and says "Moooooo" The second turns to the first and says "I was just about to say that" |
| A feminist got mad because I said boys and girls instead of girls and boys I asked what's it matter, I always cum first |
| "You snooze, you lose." -Competitive insomniacs |
| What's the difference between meeting me in a bar and meeting Bill Cosby in a bar? You'll remember meeting me |
| What do Lebron and a gigolo have in common? They've both got a rim-job to do. |
| Tobacco companies kill their best customers And condom companies kill their future customers |
| Many people are asking me who I think will win the boxing match between Chris Brown and Soulja Boy, but Chris is the obvious choice as far as I'm concerned. After all I've seen his handiwork years ago and it's not too shabby. |
| My friend asked me to stop singing Wonderwall I said maybe |
| I found the simplest, best way to shave You have to use Occam's Razor |
| I told the Subway sandwich lady not to forget my pickle. It was a big dill |
| Why was tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh. |
| They say that cows kill more people than airplane crashes... It's true, my ex once chased me with a knife. |
| Fight Club is the best bromance movie that never happened! |
| Mr. Trump, did you know Beethoven was deaf? Trump: And how was he able to make all those movies? |
| What do you call a magical dog? Labracadabrador |
| 9/11 wasn't an inside job because all the employees jumped outside. |
| Why was the vulture kicked off of the airplane? Because he ate a passenger's carrion! |
| I totally blew it with my new girlfriend That's how it goes with inflatable partners. |
| What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a badly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire. |
| What do penguins do in a race? They peng-win |
| What do Betsy Devos and the Catholic Church have in common? They may help some, but it's mostly just a bunch of kids getting fucked. |
| I was suffering from short term memory loss But then I found my ram. |
| What do you call a cannon that can't fire properly? Projectile Dysfunction. I'll see myself out. |
| My math teacher called me average... How mean |
| What does the dyslexic cow say? oom |
| What's the difference between an encyclopedia and a Republican senator? The encyclopedia has a spine. (Apologies to Senators Collins and Murkowski) |
| What did the Muslim say to Castro's gay lover? "Stop, you are Infidel!" |
| What do you and the universe have in common? You both started with a Big Bang. (I've known this joke for a longtime and I don't remember if I made it) |
| What do you call interracial Game of Thrones porn? Taking the black |
| A man walks up to the pearly gates Saint Peter asks, "How did you get here?" The mans answers, "Flu." |
| Teacher asks class: "use the word Dandelion in a sentence" Teacher asks class: "use the word Dandelion in a sentence" Jamaican student: "the cheetah is faster dandelion" *Everyone dies* |
| Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Bin Laden |
| What type of berry can you drink out of? A strawberry. |
| What do you call a heavy trash can that tips things over? A bin Laden. |
| What do you call a group of ducks quacking at once in a disorderly fashion? Quack-aphony |
| Why did Donald Trump blush? He saw the climate changing. |
| My dad told me to wipe my computer before I sell it. I said, "Why?" He said, "Because there's cum all over it." |
| I wanted to take a Chinese cooking class. But looking into it, it seemed like too much wok. |
| A guy walks into a brothel... A guy walks into a brothel and says to the madam, "I want the worst sex in the place. If she's miserable, I want her". The madam asks, "Are you crazy sir"? "No" replies the guy "Just homesick". |
| Toilet bowls .... should be higher |
| Apparently I'm allergic to Burt's Bees body wash Broke out in hives |
| This year I got my Valentines Day cards mixed up. My girlfriend thinks I love her and my wife thinks I want to fuck her. |
| How many citrus fruits does it take to kill a pirate? None. |
| What do you call a large body of water that's salty and filled with promiscuous women? The Hoecean. |
| Why did the dentist's accountant get arrested? Incisor's trading. |
| Falcons Fans (a bit late but...) Falcons fans be like #Notmysuperbowl |
| How many republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Ah, I'll have get back to you on that one... |
| Why did the fighter jet go to the doctors office? Because it had ejectile dysfunction. |
| They're finally cracking down on Instagram pages that promote white-supremacy... or as I like to call them: gram-crackers. |
| My wife said, "When I die, I want everyone at my funeral to be happy, not sad and depressed." I said, "Don't worry. They will be." |
| My girlfriend asked me if I'd ever been in a fight and I told her that I hadn't. "You're a pussy," she said. "I once sent a guy to hospital." I said, "We're talking about fighting, not cooking." |
| Trump is doing something that no one, in the history of democracy, is known to have done before: He's demanding a recount after he *won* the election. |
| Guys, the book of Revelation is finally coming true, if you don't belive me, look it up... We've heard the final Trump-Pence. |
| I told my friend I watched The Two Towers and it was fun I've never seen him get so angry over a Lord Of The Rings film. |
| My neighbours love my taste in music. They even call the police to listen it. |
| Why don't Falcons eat cereal? They lost the bowl |
| Who's jesus favourite singer Michael bible |
| I just divorced my wife of six years. It was very amicable. She was the first one to "like" my Facebook status when I indicated I was single again. |
| A midget psychic just escaped from prison... She's a small medium at large. |
| Well to be Frank... I would have to change my name. |
| The sign said, "Pay with your phone." Sorry Wendy's, but I think my iPhone7 is worth a little more than your triple baconator. |
| My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like she was special... ...so I got her a helmet and a box of crayons! |
| What did they call Mozart after he died? A decomposer Baddoom-tish |
| Optimist vs Pessimist Optimist?the glass is half full Pessimist?the glass is half empty Feminist?the glass is being raped |
| Police officer: "Can you identify yourself, sir?" Driver pulls out his mirror and says: "Yes, it's me." |
| Around 26 out of 100 people fail at probability theory that's over 60% |
| I went to Jared But then I saw the prices and decided to buy a ring on amazon. |
| What do you call a letter from a feminist? Hate male. |
| I don't know why the Samoa Girl Scout cookies are racially insensitive... because I'm white and I have no problem with crackers. |
| On my flight to Australia I was asked if I had any criminal records I was confused, because I didn't know it was still a requirement |
| The price of balloons have been plummeting... Specialists say it's due to inflation. |
| What do you get when you drop a piano on a minor? A flat minor |
| What do you call an official weapon that shoots pieces of music? A canon canon cannon |
| Education nominee Betsy DeVos wins Senate confirmation vote I kept seeing this in r/news, but I was sure it belonged here...... |
| Seven eight nine. Cinco seis, "Siete! Que haces?!" |
| A man walking home at night comes across a drunk fumbling around under a street light. Man: What's going on? Drunk: I'm looking for my keys. Man: Did they fall out of your pocket? Drunk: I don't know but this is where the light is. |
| The difference between men and women... ...is that after being in a relationship for six months a woman wonders if it's time to say 'I love you' and a man wonders if it time to fart in bed. |
| Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool |
| I was exposed to a dangerous amount of gamma radiation. It still hertz. |
| You know the german translation for irony? JewWorkingForGasCompany |
| The day I can?t do my job drunk is the day I hand over my keys today was my last day as a school bus driver |
| What do you call a fly without wings? A walk. |
| I recently got hit by a car in a funeral procession... It still hearse! |
| What is a far right-wing conservatives favorite candy? Preppermints. |
| Bill Clinton has a smart and beautiful wife Let's just hope she never meets Hillary |
| You know, I don't find the recent super bowl win all that historic... After all, this isn't the first time Atlanta was burned by the north. |
| i asked a dyslexic kid if he was Team Santa or Team Satan... (NSFW) he told me to go fuck his mother. |
| What is the bestselling bodycare product amongst terrorists? Lip bomb |
| An interviewer asked me what my biggest weakness was So I replied "Well I'd say my best strength is my listening skills" |
| In how many parts does the skull divide? It depends on the strength you use to hit it. |
| Caught two friends talking shit about me... Oh,did i say talking?I wanted to say taking and on me while i was sleeping |
| Did your son like his birthday gifts? -Did your son like his birthday presents? -Oh, he broke every single one of them - the phone, gaming console and even notebook.. -My god! Did he break my gift too?! -Nope, your fucking hammer is fine. |
| I asked my wife if she wanted to try a new sex position called the 68. I asked if she wanted to try the 68. Wife: What's a 68? Well it's when you go down on me, and I'll owe you one. |
| Whats the difference between Kleenex and the starship Enterprise? They both circle Uranus searching for Clingons |
| How many of Donald Trump's Cabinet does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Apparently, they prefer holding meetings in the dark. |
| The Chinese food was good But I miss my dog |
| My friend asked what to do when the variable and number are next to each other in algebra. I responded "They multiply" |
| $1 MILLION IN HEAVEN Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in heaven?" God replied, "$1 million." Joe asked, "How long is a minute in heaven?" God said, "One million years." Joe asked for a penny. God said, "Sure, in a minute." |
| What's the difference between your mom and my penis? I don't get turned on when I slam my penis head in a door. |
| What's the laziest food? Bread. It likes to "loaf" around. |
| A man works for a company for nearly a decade without getting promoted He decides that he can either start kissing ass and climb the corporate ladder or he can kill himself. He chose the latter |
| What's the worst thing to happen to a banana gun? It gets Jammed |
| Dorblu A man at a store: "Do you have Dorblu cheese" "What is it Dorblu?" "Oh, it's a kind of cheese with mold" "Sorry, we haven't. But we have Dorblu bread and Dorblu sausage" |
| Trump's Plan... Maybe Trump's real plan is to make Americans so intolerable that the rest of the world doesn't want to cross America's borders. |
| What do Michael Jackson and Kmart have in common? They both have boys pants 1/2 off. |
| Me and the wife were talking about sexy role playing when she asked what I'd like to do. I said "Well, we go to a bar separately and pretend we've never met" "Ooh, then what?" she answered I said "Nothing, that's it". |
| What does the travel ban look like at Wal-mart? Well, it's just a small version of regular sized Ban, both the roll-on and invisible solid. |
| What do you call a russian mall cop? Cyka Blart |
| How did the Scandinavian countries communicate during WW2? Norse code |
| I think it's about time we start voting for more politicians with breasts I don't see why not, considering how long we've been voting for complete boobs in the first place. |
| I've never gone sailing before, but I want to sail around the world one day... I have a yacht to learn before my trip. |
| I didn't trip I was testing the floors reflexes! |
| I heard the Obama's just got a cleaning bill from the White House... Apparently they left a huge pile of shit in the oval office. |
| "What's the difference between an Al-Qaeda base and a Pakistani school?" "I don't know man, I just fly the drone." |
| Is this subreddit a vaccum? because all the jokes suck. |
| Rest In Peace, American Education Coming to an end in DeVos't way imaginable. |
| I've been seeing this girl for a while, but I had to drop her Someone stole my pair of binoculars |
| How many athiests do you need to change a lughtbulb? None. It will be changed by itself. |
| A guy walks into a bar He says ouch |
| My girlfriend thinks I'm incapable of being faithful My wife on the other hand... has a pretty hot sister |
| What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller |
| What do you do with a dead chemist? Ba. For those of you that are having a hard time, Ba is the atomic symbol for Barium. |
| What is 10 blocks long and never had sex? The line for the Nintendo Switch |
| Trump being elected is proof that we never developed time travel. Today I know why we never developed time travel. |
| My wife left me because I made too many linkin park references oh well, I guess in the end it doesn't even matter. |
| Know what's weird about Obama kitesurfing? It means there's finally something he has in common with Trump: watersports. |
| What does a good bar and a woman have in common? Liquor in the front and poker in the back |
| I used to work as a corset make for about twenty years But I had to give it up, the work was too constraining. |
| Winter in Poland is like my ex... ...it doesn't know whether to be cold or hot |
| I'm sick and tired of hearing the US doesn't have Checks and Balances! What do you think the Koch brother's accountants do? |
| Home is where your friends are So I'm homeless |
| A man asks the doctor "Can I take a bath with diarrhea?" Doctor:"If you could fill the bathtub with it, why not?" |
| Why can't you starve in a desert? Because of all the sand which is there. |
| Why is the workplace of a penis dangerous ? Has to work in dark, wet caves, while standing all the time |
| What is Harambe's favorite spice? CAGE-en spice! |
| What do you get when you mix a bird, a van, and a dog? A flying carpet |
| Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba Dum Tshhhh |
| I can't stand those stupid people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn". Stupid firemen. |
| Why was Jesus ripped at his crucifixion? Because he was cross-fit! |
| I ordered a dildo online last week Today it finally came. |
| When it comes to making a simple, quick dinner, YOU CAN'T BEATRICE! Sorry, you can't beat rice. (by British Comedian Milton Jones) |
| Girls used to call me ugly until they saw my wallet. Now they call me ugly and poor. |
| There are 10 types of programmers: Those who understand binary and those who don't |
| They just got rid of the head of the funfair. That's unfair. |
| Whom did the Boston Strangler choke last? The Atlanta Falcons. |
| I'm glad that DeVos was confirmed as education secretary. Now I don't have to worry about my grandkids being able to read some of my dumbest Facebook posts... or anything else, for that matter. |
| Original Content I wish I could post this on another sub |
| Did you hear about the turtle that became a chef and opened his own restaurant? His specialty is slow cooked meals. |
| How many suh-dudes does it take to change a lightbulb? None, it's already lit fam! |
| What's the most confusing holiday for black people? Father's Day! |
| Why did the Jazz performer wear one shoe? It gave him sole. |
| My girlfriend is breaking up with me because of my vegan diet... By the way, have I mentioned I'm a vegan? |
| I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday... But all the little shit did was sit in his wheelchair and cry. PS:Not sure if this one has been on here before or not, a friend told it to me and I thought it should go here. |
| Why did the deplorable shoot with his left hand To try and get IN the basket |
| My apartment has more than nine ants, but my landlord refuses to get rid of them. He claims they have **ten ants' rights**. |
| I don't see why Obama gave all his speeches behind bulletproof glass.. I know he's black and all but I doubt he'd actually shoot anyone. |
| What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe dammit, BREATHE! |
| What do you call a blind dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesaurus |
| The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar. It was tense. |
| What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast. |
| As an American, you know what really grinds my gears? Not having German Engineering |
| I saw a mosquito flying over my head and i caught it Then, I took off its wings and I shouted to it "Go Fly!" but it didnt fly. Conclusion: Mosquitoes go deaf when you remove their wings |
| Where do Palestinians go to have fun at night? The Gaza Strip club. |
| A Cop is searching for a criminal babysitter. He says, "I am going to search every little crook and nanny." |
| These Bowling Green Massacre jokes are too soon Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place. |
| ISIS is winning the war By denying US troops visas into territory surrounding the caliphate |
| I would only play one handed in the music assessment But then I'd be in treble |
| I was waiting in line at this restaurant to order some fruit punch. That's it. That was the punch-line. |
| Trump's presidency is historic... He's the first president to ever be more concerned about personal insecurity than he is about national security. |
| What do muslims color with? Qurayons |
| I was in an airport in South Korea recently, and while shopping, asked the cashier which currency he preferred. A bit agitated, he replied... "The Korean Won!" |
| A, C, and E walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve minors." |
| You guys hear about the fire at the circus? It was InTENTSe. |
| A photon walks into a hotel with his luggage... The bellhop asks, "sir, do you need help with your bags?" The photon responds, "that's alright, I'm traveling light!" |
| What do you call a Communist sniper? A Marxman |
| How many millennials does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Shit's already mad lit, fam. |
| What's a refugee's favourite song? Welcome to the Jungle |
| They're going to start letting animals participate in the X Games... They will all have to go through extreme vetting before entering |
| I went to the sewer the other day... It was a load of crap. |
| We didn't elect Harambe for president But we still got a gorilla in office |
| People claim that in the English language, y can be a vowel but I think that's just a myth |
| What is the difference between Hyaenidae and a butt on weed? The first are hyenas The second is a high-anus. |
| Went to the gym today and cheered everyone on for an hour. On the way out the trainer stopped me... Confused he asked me what I was doing at the gym. So I told him exactly what I was doing: "Lifting Spirits" |
| Why didn't the Soviet Union join WW2 until 1941? They were using Stalin-tactics |
| Reddit is like cancer Once you've noticed it it really grows on you. |
| What's the funniest software? Lotus Notes |
| Don't. Never laugh at your wife?s choices& you?re one of them & |
| What does the car-loving cowboy say when he meets people? H' Audi |
| A horse walks into the bar... It neigh's, shits on the floor and walks out, leaving the bar patron's bewildered |
| Ubisoft Servers. Thats it. |
| [Request] Tell me your best bird puns! Giving someone a bird themed gift, what are some puns I can use for the card? (It's not for a birthday, so "happy bird-day" won't work). |
| New England Patriots are the Super Bowl World Champions I loved the way they destroyed Germany in semi-finals, and embarrassed Rwanda in the final. |
| Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve noble gases here." Argon doesn't react. |
| Where do the light end up? In prism. xD |
| I recently saw a video of a girl sitting on various fruit To me, that's fucking bananas |
| How did Jesus feel after the Romans killed him? How did Jesus feel after the Romans killed him? He felt pretty cross. |
| It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones. Well, they?re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy. |
| Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? A: "You may have graduated but I've got so many degrees" |
| Verbal skills study "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien |
| My dick is like Stan Lee I know he'll appear, but i don't know when and when I notice it's already too late. |
| Give a man a jacket... And he'll be able to leave the house. Teach a man to jacket, and he'll never leave the house. |
| Gave my friend in a wheelchair 3 hits of molly last night He's still rollin' this morning |
| My family and friends always told me I was an 'artistic person'. Finally got a hearing aid and... well... let's just say that was *not* what they were trying to tell me. |
| My wife made coffee this morning and I ended up with a piece of coffee bean in my teeth at the weekly department meeting. My lawyer has informed me this qualifies as grounds for divorce. |
| My brother told me to stop acting like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. |
| Why did the chicken walk into the light? To get to the other side. |
| My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment. |
| I was very naive sexually My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months - Hayley Ellis, 2012 |
| What's a revolutionist's favourite pastry? Coup d'Ètart |
| What's a vampiric hummingbird's favourite drink? Necktar |
| On my way for the latest Porsche presentation.. the airport officials requested the purpose of my flight. I wrote down "I'm here for the newest 911". Best regards from Guantanamo. |
| My girlfriend asked me not to kill a spider, but said I should take it out instead. I'm getting really sick of her sending these mixed messages. |
| Why did Pygmalion's girlfriend break up with him? Because he took her for granite. |
| Teddy Bears never feel Hungry Why the Teddy bears never feel hungry? Because they are always stuffed! |
| How did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank P.B.R. before it was cool. |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_4.txt |
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| @@ -0,0 +1,674 @@ |
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| What do the Atlanta Falcons and a white noise machine have in common? They both make artificial fan sounds. |
| My wife just got back from her OB/GYN appointments. He told her she cannot have sex 6 weeks. I said, "That's fine but what did your dentist say?" |
| Police: Come out with your hands up! Police: Come out with your hands up! Me: I'm gay. Police: So brave... |
| I'm going to buy my Dungeon Master a goldfish So I can carp a DM |
| What would you find inside a billion year old ice planet on the other side of the universe? One of my wife's hairs |
| A horse in a bar A horse is standing at the bar when a man walks up to him. "Why the long face?" he asked jokingly. "I'm stage four terminal and my wife left me, taking everything with her." |
| What did Whitney Houston say when asked which parts of public buildings are generally the most affectionate? Hallways love yooooouuuuu. |
| I saw my girlfriend shoving a calculator up her vagina. I said, "What the fuck are you doing? You look like you're in agony." She said, "It's what's inside that counts." |
| Do you know today the world is celebrating "Safer Internet Day" If you're celebrating too, stay away from porn and other internet nasties :D |
| Why can't Chinese people see? Cause they must get 'A'! |
| What makes a chicken sneeze? Boog boog boog bogaaa |
| Good, bad, worse Good: I slept with my teacher after prom last night. Bad: I was home schooled. Worse: by my dad. |
| Metal fans don't rest in peace, they RUST in peace. |
| Why you shouldn't you buy Russian underpants ? Coz Cher-nob-il fallout ! |
| What would people from 1000 years ago say... If you told them in the future you'll be able to travel and communicate with people around the world near instantly. "You mean across?" |
| What's pink and covered in cobwebs? Maddie McCann's bike. |
| I tried selling drugs once. I tried selling drugs once. The guy asked me for some coke and I paniced and asked him if Pepsi was ok. |
| My Girlfriends asked me why the Body cells go through Meiosis and why her textbook sexualized them. I replied "Sex Cells." |
| What do you call the swine who like children? Pigofiles |
| What did Mexican Fozzie Bear say? "Oaxaca, oaxaca, oaxaca!" |
| Why shouldn't you write with a dull pencil? Because it's pointless. IT'S POINTLESS. |
| How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let?s go play on our bikes. |
| Why was the T-Rex angry? His arms were too short to sarcastically slow clap this terrible joke... |
| I like my women like I like my coffee... Ground up and in the cupboard. |
| As a German, you know what really grinds my gears? Nothing. Our engineering is perfect. |
| Presidential monster Remember guys, Steve Bannon is the President. Trump is the name of his monster. |
| If a Jew gets a new phone... Can they use their own number??? |
| I introduced my girlfriend to my family My wife did not like her. |
| How do you know that Frank was an honest person? Whenever anyone tells the truth, they are either Frank or doing it like Frank. |
| Childhood Nursery Rhyme Old Mother Hubbard, went to her cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone... But Rover took over, and he bent her over, and gave her a bone of his own |
| What public official is most prone to giving their stuff away? A sheriff. |
| big brother is watching you... and he is bored! |
| What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common? They both come with force touch |
| Which one is heavier? A tonne of rocks or a tonne of feathers? The answer? Its a tonne of feathers because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to all those poor birds... |
| Kid #1: I wish I had been born 1,000 years ago. Kid #2: Why is that? Kid #1: Just think of all the history that we wouldn't have to learn. |
| Why would New Zealand starting a war against Australia be historical? It would be the first time New Zealand declared anything against Australia. |
| My girlfriend just split up with me. She kept crying and saying that I spend too much time on the internet. Jokes on her, there are hundreds of hot singles in my area looking to hook up. |
| Have you seen any of Stevie Wonder's music videos? He hasn't. |
| Are you serious No, I'd have to change my name for that |
| An infectious disease walks into a bar. Barman says, ?we don't serve your type here?. Infectious disease replies, ?well, you are not a very good host.? |
| Getting married before the age of 25 Getting married before the age of 25 sounds a lot like leaving a party before 10 PM to me. |
| Kids on social media nowadays are so selfish. It's always meme meme meme. |
| What was the hardest question on Timmy's homework last night? 69d. |
| What brand of glasses do short-sighted dyslexic nymphomaniacs wear? FCUK |
| Why do people fall in love with pavements? Because they touch our soles. |
| Trump is just like the rest of us Melania puts his pants on one leg at a time |
| I think people are underestimating the effect of fruit on the human race. I mean come on, people all across the US are rioting because of a fucking orange. |
| With all the negativity in the world today... ...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive. |
| I was told it was racist to use "welsh" when someone won't pay a bet. They said to use "renege". So I called them a bunch of renegers instead. |
| My dog ran away this morning. I walked around the neighbourhood looking and calling his name for an hour but still couldn't find him. My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a couple of tattoos. Still can't find the fucking dog.... |
| (An original) I'll always get in a fight with someone with dwarfism.... We just don't see eye to eye. |
| A man has been admitted to hospital after shoving 6 toy horses up his arse. Doctors have described his condition as stable. |
| I just ate a frozen apple! Hardcore. |
| I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn?t seem to be gaining momentum |
| Scumbag Steve, when told the babe at the party had Herpes Zoster on her head, asked "Do the shingles match the carpet?" |
| What is the funniest bird alive? A Hahastrich! |
| What is Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination? HAND EYEEEEEEE |
| What do you call Batman running out of church? Christian Bale |
| How do u reanimate a corpse? Abra Cadavera! |
| How do Mexicans cut their pizza? "Little Cea-sars" |
| Trump really needs to do something about all these Canadians. Seriously, geese are the worst. |
| Why did the Sovereign Citizen cross the road? ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! AM I BEING DETAINED?! |
| Third times the charm... ...said god before he accidentally created down syndrome. |
| I like my women like I like my jeep Topless and easy to get into. |
| What will be the most profitable career in 2017? Mexican ladder salesman. |
| What's Scooby Doo's favorite chocolate? Fe rrer ruh-roh cher |
| So the horse walked into a bar ... and the bartender said, "Say fella, why the long face?" |
| A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printer was I replied: "Go use the one in the back you nigger" |
| How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just beat the shit outta the room for being black.. |
| When I see lovers' names carved into a tree I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date. |
| What word is used to describe a plant's range of emotions? Chlorofeels |
| How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change. |
| Why is it always a good idea to wear 'tall pants'? Because it's a practice of good high-jean! |
| How do you spell DEATH? A-va-da Ke-da-vra! |
| It's not okay to just punch a nazi in the face You're supposed to finish the job |
| What's a small black dot between two larger white ones? A flea with cotton wool in its ears. |
| What do crows drink in the morning? CAWWWWWW-FEE! |
| My Gf's ponytail always comes undone when we're together Oh well, I guess it just comes with the *hairritory*. |
| Just became a fan of Adele She had me at Hello |
| What do you get when rabbis eat too many carrots? Orange juice. |
| What do you call a dog with seven legs that can't walk right? Severalpawsy |
| What did Melania say to Donald right after sex? Honey, I'll be home in 30 minutes. |
| Four gay guys walk into a bar Bartender says,"Sorry, only one unoccupied stool at the moment." Gay guy says,"That's completely fine." Gay man proceeds to turn the stool upside down and each of them sits on a leg. |
| My wife recently won the Annual Women's Golf Meet in our district Needless to say, I have started calling her the "Intercourse Champion of the County " |
| How are OP's Mom and Velour alike? they both take several days to dry out |
| If you're feeling cold, go stand in the corner. It's 90 degrees there. |
| What do you call a horny midget? An extended version of The Hobbit. |
| Did you hear about the otter that begged a beaver to build him a dam? The beaver did not give a barrier that impounds water or underground streams |
| I love my doctor He told me I only had 3 months to live. I said "thanks for letting me know, doc; but I'm sorry, I don't know how I'll be able to pay you." So he got me six more months. |
| I'm completely OK with peeing in the shower.. It's only natural to have a little come out when you're having a poo. |
| Why didn't the oven get its TV show green lit? Because the pilot light was out. |
| A giant mushroom attempts to enter a bar... and is stopped by the bouncer. The bouncer says we'll have none of your sort in here tonight. The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi!" |
| Are you an ass man or a tits man? I ass myself that every day. Tits a bit hard to figure out. |
| What do you call a russian cow? Mos-cow |
| The mexican magician was at his gig... He said to the audience: "on the count of 3 i will disappear. Uno... Dos..." and he vanished without a Tres |
| My local ski resort was ripped off last week for around $900. The robber stole a burger, two beers, and some chips. |
| If Trump was a spy in the Vietnam War, what would his code name be? Agent Orange |
| I accidentally misidentified my friend's pet bird It was hawkward. |
| I would tell you all an anus joke.. Butt fuck it. |
| What do you call a smart blonde? A Golden Retriever. |
| Our anniversary is coming up, so my wife told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She will love this pack of playing cards. |
| Tom Brady has 6 of the most desired rings in the world 5 are from the Super Bowl |
| The problem with Donald Trump is... He never learned harass was one word. |
| Why don't kleptomaniacs get puns? They always take things literally. |
| I promised my mom I would never get raped I said I would always consent. She said no one would want to. |
| How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. Hi I'm Joe and I eat ass. |
| What was Hitler's philosophy on PR? Weimar your reputation when you know you're in the Reich! |
| What do you call a guy who urinates bug spray? Pissed OFF! |
| Super Bowl 51 will go down as the Gettysburg Address of the NFL Four score and 20 minutes to go..... |
| Why is Donald Trump like Jesus?? He'll never be as good as his Daddy. |
| My friend looked at my pregnant wife and said: "I wonder if it isn't really hot in there, for the baby" I replied: "It's likely womb-temperature." |
| How did Captain Hook die? He wiped with the wrong hand |
| What does 'mine shaft' mean to a German? His Penis |
| What is a frisky Optimus Prime called? An autothot. |
| If foreigners are upset to have had their visas cancelled... Why don't they just apply for MasterCards instead? |
| What is Trump's Cabinet called? The Insane Clown's Posse. |
| My girlfriend accused me of cheating I told her she sounded like my wife |
| What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wipe his butt. |
| What did the cannibal say when he ate a clown? "That tasted funny." |
| An inmate at my work threw his food down onto his tray. "Now I know why people turn gay in prison..." "...I'd rather lick another man's butthole than eat this crap." I died. |
| Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way. |
| Where do men go for vacation after their bar mitzvah? Jew-bouti |
| How many Call Of Duty players does it take to change a light bulb? Both of them. |
| Listen to this new joke.... 584753 |
| What do you call it when a song is cut off before it ends? ...a clefhanger. |
| Why does Paris have trees along Main Street? Because Germans like to walk in the shade. |
| Did you hear about the neutron that was arrested yesterday? He wasn't charged tho |
| Two sides of hummus decided to go out to eat Two sides of hummus decided to go out to eat. Once they finished eating, they said, "chickpeas!" |
| An internet meme caught his wife cheating in their bed. "And I say heeey heeey heeey heeey heeey!!!" |
| You wanna know how to say "Redonkulous" in Spanish? "Redicburro" |
| Trump just posted a picture of the protests in Romania.. .. as evidence he had the biggest inauguration crowd ever. |
| Why was the patient angry at the doctor who wanted his urine sample? He was taking the piss |
| Guy walks into a Mexican restaurant but he's not that hungry... And they serve free tortilla chips. He asks for one chip and they give it to him. He swipes his credit card, and nothing happens. The employee looks at him and says, "Dude... it's a chip." |
| What's the difference between my gf and Roald Dahl Roald Dahl has a Magic Finger |
| Captain hook can't kill 20 kindergarteners. But Sandy Hook can. |
| At what time do drug dealers wake up? At the crack of dawn! |
| My old girlfriend was bad at math That's Y she's my X. |
| What's a Trump supporter's favorite college? Electoral. |
| Why does Donald Trump like the NFL better than college football? Because it's Big League |
| My African-American friend hooked up with a girl from Thailand... It was a real black-Thai affair. |
| what does a hornet an rain gear have in common? Yellow jacket |
| Did you guys hear about the Bowling Green Massacre? On 9/3/16 they lost to The Ohio State 77-10 |
| What do you call a surrealist painter that converts to Islam? Muhammad Dali |
| Who are the fastest readers in the world? The people in the World Trade Center, those mother fuckers blew through 110 stories in 5 seconds. |
| Why did the chicken go to the library? To check out a book-book-book! |
| What do you call a stubborn donkey? A badass |
| What's the easiest class in a Catholic school? Religion. It has no facts to memorize |
| Today I change my major from law to liberal arts. Psych. |
| My girlfriend doesn't want me to come in her ear My girlfriend said not to cum in my ear because she will go deaf, but I told her that I cum in her mouth all the time and that doesn't get her to shut the fuck up. |
| Why don't sharks eat more than one dentist at a time? They're filling. |
| What's the difference between Extreme Vetting and Waterboarding? (Also seeking alternate punch lines) .... the need for rendition. |
| Brady once again charged with letting the air out of something. This time it was the Falcons defense |
| My wife is a teacher hoping for a snow day, and I told her to brace for Winter Storm Christopher. She said "They don't close schools in Michigan for 3 inches of white stuff" |
| Did you hear about the gangster who loved apples? He was a member of the honeycrips |
| [nsfw] Everybody thinks Tom Brady had the best comeback ever But Kim Kardashian is the cumback queen |
| Found this joke on a sticky note Person1: Hey person2 I need to get into your Reddit account, what's the username and password? Person2: Ok, the username is "suck my" Person1: Ok, and the password? Person2: Dick Person1: Passwords too short. |
| Climate change doesn't matter if you stay indoors. |
| My friend is upset because her boyfriend won't eat out anymore since they got a meal delivery service. She says she's going to try putting a blue apron sticker on her box and see what happens. |
| (NSFW) I'm a bit like Beer... I also come in pints. |
| The more medical students I met, the less I trust doctors. |
| How do young bees get to school? Why, the school buzz, of course! |
| Did you hear about the weird physicist? He's a lovely guy but he's got some strange quarks. |
| What word do you never want to call a Black Man that starts with N and ends with r Neighbor |
| What's the most common phrase uttered by a blond after sex? "Are you guys all on the same team?" |
| Why should doctors wear surgical masks when pulling the plug on Donald Trump? So no one can see their smiles. |
| Why can you make a comparison between the Patriots and Lara Croft? Because they both get TomBrady |
| I just read a post about Queen Elizabeth II, and something struck me as odd... After spending 65 years on the throne, I suppose she's the most constipated ruler ever. |
| Just when defeat seemed inevitable... when all hope was lost and my prayers seemed futile... THE PATRIOTS WON !!! Oh, and something about a big game yesterday? I don't watch football. |
| A kid says to his younger brother: "Look, i found a dildo underneath mom's pillow." The brother replies: "What's a pillow?" |
| How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? You nail a piece of toast to the wall |
| Tired of people complaining about Ukrainian body's of water that Russia is occupying Crimea river. |
| What did the leader of Russia say when someone knocked on the bathroom door? Leave me alone Im Putin |
| Why do we evacuate women before the men in an emergency? So we can assess the situation properly. |
| Someone was handing out certificates for a free Karate Lesson at the mall yesterday He told me I could only Taek Won Do |
| The Patriots are true gentlemen. They let the Falcons finish their game before they started theirs. |
| A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian "CAN I GET A BIG MAC FRIES AND A COKE?!!" The librarian says "excuse me miss.....this is a library." The blonde says...."oh im sorry (whispers) can i get a big mac fries and a coke?" |
| What's the difference between a pizza and an art degree? A pizza doesn't deliver an art degree |
| Finally took Revenge from my ex... She had it since last two weeks. Gotta return it back to the library. |
| You know there's an actual name for unexpected sex right? The Spanish Inquisition. Because no one sees it coming. |
| There are a lot of jokes in the world Most of them are people. |
| I don't drink anymore. I freeze it now and I eat it like a popsicle. |
| I couldn't sleep because woman was knocking on my door at 2 AM last night I tried to go back to sleep but eventually I had to let her out. |
| I am terrified of elevators, I'm gonna start taking steps to avoid them. |
| I believe as a society, it is our dictionaries that define us. |
| I had a confusing sex dream last night It was a real mindfuck |
| What's the difference between the church 1,000 years ago and the church today? A thousand years ago Father Roy didn't get arrested. |
| Want to know how I got back from the middle east? I Ran |
| I jokingly told my friend I was gay... He's been fucking me in the ass for 3 months now and hasn't figured out the truth yet. Haha, I can't wait to see the look on his face! |
| Roger Goodell must be drunk after last night from... all the boos from the Patriots' fans during the post game ceremonies. |
| President Trump can never finish a book He always gets stuck in chapter 11 |
| Where does Matthew Mcconaughey's Political Ideology come from? The Altright, Altright, Altright |
| Why won't Lion win Best Picture? Starving Indian children has always been a naan-issue. |
| and God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of world... ...then God made the Earth round..and he laughed and laughed. edit: I proof read this so may times... amd -> and |
| U should try the salmon in river styxs Its too die for |
| Why is Alabama the best place for sandwiches? Because of their experience working with inbreds. |
| The problem with Bill Clinton Is that he never learned harass was one word. |
| What do you call a substance that makes people attracted to both genders? A bi-product! |
| Australians don't have sex Australians mate |
| How do you choke a predatory bird? Give them a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl. |
| Where is the safest place to be on a capsizing ship? (Worst joke ever) The Galley! Everything but the kitchen sinks. ^(I warned you) |
| What did the father buffalo say to his son as he left for school? Bison. |
| Your breasts looked bigger on your profile... ...which means I won't feel so bad when you pull my pants down now. |
| Brokeback Mountain was such a nontraditional movie... ... it's the only one I've seen where the good guy gets it in the end. |
| What kind of food just puts you in a bad mood? Feel-awful |
| What is Mexico's National Animal? The drug mule. |
| What file format does Gordon Ramsay take photos in? FUCKING RAW! |
| I nearly talked my way out of a speeding fine earlier by telling this Police woman she looked bloody stunning Then I went and fucked it up by saying, 'And that's not the drink talking either' |
| Falcons CHOKE!!! |
| What is the recipe for success for ice cream men? Good Humor. |
| What's the correct way to pronounce nihilism? Doesn't matter. |
| You should always have a pet to make you feel safe... Just the other night my wife woke me tell me heard glass breaking and footsteps downstairs. She calmed down when I told it was probably just the fish. |
| Look at all those hot children in that schoolyard! It's 115∞F out you sick fucks |
| Whats the difference between my ex gf and my childhood imagination? Nothing, they both don't exist anymore. |
| If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, But if fife gives you melons... You probably have dyslexia |
| Single ones from Reddit: If you have to choose between your dream date and one last concert of Queen? How many hours you will arrive early? |
| What did the French call the Germans during WW1? Somme of bitches. |
| Q:Name of Melanias new book A:Mein Trump |
| I heard Kevin O'Leary was running in a leadership race I'm just not sure if it's in Canada or the US |
| They say good things come in threes... Try telling that to someone with Down Syndrome |
| How do you get a champagne cork back in the bottle? I don't know, ask a Falcons fan |
| What do you call an Invisible Zeppelin? A Hiddenburg. |
| my wife has sick tits she has breast cancer |
| [NSFW] Women have a new form a birth control She'll fuck a guy real hard and then about half-way through lay on her back and then take it up the ass. It's called *The Falcon Method*. |
| How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side |
| TIL in 1892 a man was investigated for never having taken a bowel movement in his life. They called him "No shit Sherlock" |
| What do you do behind your wife's back? Doggystyle |
| So a man in a wheelchair is having dinner at a restaurant. The waiter comes over and asks: "Would you like a glass of wine"? To this the man replies: "No thanks, I'm driving". |
| First Harrison Ford got cast as Han Solo... then he got cast as Han Solo. |
| All these Trump jokes... that he'll never understand. |
| Did you hear about the sex move called the Tom Brady? I'm not sure of the specific mechanics but, you cum from behind FTW! |
| A new study has revealed that diarrhea is actually based on heredity They found if runs in your jeans |
| I'm tired of people talking about how strong ants are. I can pick up a leaf too, who cares. |
| When I was young, I used to have an obsession with Posh Spice Which cost my mum a fortune in saffron |
| Did you hear about the charges being pressed on the mineral? It was assault. |
| They say history repeats itself... But I never expected it to repeat itself so soon, let alone at the superbowl! I haven't seen a lead blown so bad since Hillary's 2016 Campaign! |
| In honor of the Bowling Green Massacre, wear a green ribbon . . . . . . or, perhaps more appropriately, some color you made up in your head. |
| What are the most productive pants? Participants. |
| I went to an institute of botanical research the other day, but they only had one type of mushroom It was a shiitake |
| Eating clocks is not that difficult. It's just very time-consuming. |
| How Do You Cut Down A Tree? A sawwwwwwww Dude |
| Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it. |
| Everyone were dying, except joseph He kept stalin his death |
| How do you explain destiny to a child of divorced parents? Tell them their custody is in their hands. |
| Tom Brady now has a perfect track record. He's won 5/7 Superbowls he's been in. |
| What American State sells small pop cans? Mini-Soda (Minnesota) |
| Why did the penguin break up with the walrus? Because they were polar opposites. |
| Why did the people living next door to the tennis factory call the cops? Because they were making a racquet. |
| Why Poop is named Poop Because when you say it your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when you poop! |
| I just watched an Imam trying to perform a tracheotomy on a Labrador while free-falling at 10,000 feet... ... I'm not sure extreme vetting for Muslims is such a good idea. |
| A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printer was I replied, "Dude, it's 2017, you can use any printer you want." |
| Your Uncle Jack got stuck on a roof Would you help your Uncle Jack off? |
| It's no wonder falcons are an endangered species They've got an extreme choking problem. |
| Dinosaur Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? because they're dead! |
| What did Nancy Sinatra say about her actor friend Christopher's custom-made footwear? These boots are made for Walken. |
| Jack - Bro do you know newton's second law? Jhonny - I am a Science student bro! not a Law student. |
| I bought a copy of the Kama Sutra to spice things up in the bedroom with my girlfriend... ...unfortunately, it wouldn't fit inside her. |
| What did the penguin say when he walked into the bar ouch |
| What do you call an invisible black man? Incog-negro |
| A Scottish, fedora-wearing art professor complimented his Scandinavian student. "Nice skies, Finnish lass!" |
| Where do people who praise WiFi go? The promised LAN. |
| And God said unto John, "Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster. |
| How to tell an estate agent is lying? Their lips will be moving. |
| It's so unfair that people are still judged by the color of their skin. If you want a tattoo, you should be able to get a tattoo and not worry about what people think. |
| What do you call Santa without both his arms?... ***Can't Applause...*** |
| Whats green and smells of pork? Kermit's fingers |
| Did you hear that Donald Trump converted to Judaism? He heard that Vladimir Putin likes to drink vodka with orange jews. |
| I hear the capital of Sweden really sucks.... But no one can leave. |
| Yo mamma so stupid She tells her kids yo mamma jokes |
| Queen Elizabeth has been on the Throne for 65 years That's one hell of a dodgy curry. |
| Did you hear about the veterinarian who caught laryngitis? He is mostly just a hoarse doctor now. |
| My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of kill it. We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer. |
| What is a plane carrying yesterday's Superbowl officials called? Jet LI. |
| The Falcons Rise Up every year..... lose every year. |
| The Patriots are like a giant dick. Everyone that tries to take them on, ends up choking. |
| Reddit, I know the cure to cancer [removed] |
| Why did the Atlanta Falcons throw their 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl? They realized that if they won they'd have to visit President Trump in the Whitehouse. |
| Which vegetable is kind of rad? Radish |
| Today in class we were sayin synonoms.. And my friend said "Donald Trump and Idiot!". My teacher wrote it down |
| How much room is needed for fungi to grow? As mushroom as possible. |
| Did you hear Atlanta is getting a new mascot? Hillary Clinton |
| My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair... Deep down I knew she'd come crawling back to me. |
| Hey! What's up? A heartwarming animated film about a boy, an old man, and his dog who all fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house. |
| I just got over 15 Valentines cards! It left me breathless... The security guard at the Hallmark store gave quite a chase. |
| To be Frank... I'd have to change my name |
| I submitted my DNA for genetic testing and the lab wrote back that I'm related to Donald Trump! I guess that's what I get for using 24 and me . . . |
| Why is Donald Trump orange? Because he is ripe. |
| We used to live on a very busy main road. But after our 4th child got run over, we decided to move in to a house. |
| If pros and cons were opposites.... Then wouldn't Congress be the opposite of progress? |
| Why did Obama get two terms as President? Because every black man gets a longer sentence. |
| What's the difference between a ginger and a vegetable? One's brain dead and the other is good for you |
| I have 3 heads, 4 legs, 6 hands and 416 fingers, what am I? A liar. |
| This was the most Superbowlly Super Bowl ever *Super Bowl LI |
| What do hobbit homes with no entrances need? More doors. |
| "I prefer guys who make small dick jokes about themselves over those who make big dick jokes about themselves." "Well, I have a medium dick. It can talk to ghosts." |
| I like my bowels like I like my women... Loose. |
| In breaking news, Trump's personal library has burned down The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn't even finished coloring the second one |
| Who is your favorite rapper? Mine is Bill Cosby, WAIT no I meant favorite RAPER not rapper, my bad |
| Someone told me that I'm a narcissist today I told them its everyone else that has a problem |
| A chemist auditioned for the play He got a 82 role! |
| Looking at you is like looking at Chernobyl "Why, because I'm radiantly beautiful?" "No because you're a fucking disaster." |
| I bet all the Falcon's fans out there are feeling a bit... deflated. ^[hangs ^head ^in ^shame] |
| A mad scientist is showing off his newest invetion to his henchman "Behold! This wrist-mounted device shows me my exact location and speed within the fourth dimension!" "Looks kinda like a wristwatch to me Boss." |
| "Want to hear an unfunny joke?" "No" Too late. |
| Goku has a big chance to... Go coo at a bird. |
| What do you call a large dog that meditates? Aware wolf. |
| I had Patriots Sex this morning. That's where you cum from behind. |
| How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster? Terrier-fied! |
| You hear about that failed drug dealer? He couldn't cut it. |
| I was in a restaurant when... A man asked 'Who knows CPR?' And I said, 'I know all the letters of the alphabet!' And we all laughed, And laughed, And laughed, Except one guy |
| Why did Jeffrey Dahmer move to a larger apartment? He needed more leg room. |
| What isn't a better love story than Twilight? Donald and Ivanka. |
| What do you call a gay drive by? A fruit-rollup |
| We got 6 inches of snow last night and I'm the only one to show up to work today You'd think these pussies would like 6 inches |
| My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness. At least thats what the cat told me. |
| What did you call a Mexican snake? Hisssspanic |
| My dad doesnt trust anyone, in fact he has a saying about it But he wouldnt tell me Credits: Anthony Jeselnik |
| Two sewing machines were walking down the road... As they pass by each other one says to the other "Hey are you that Singer?". The other replies "Janome?". |
| What medical condition are elderly bats most afraid of? Incontinence. |
| What do you call a dancing Latina with a yeast infection? Macarena and cheese |
| What is the difference between a couch and a black person? Couch can support a family of five. |
| How do you make a pigeon explode? Convert it to islam |
| Apparently breastfeeding hurts Which is sucky. |
| Austin Powers: Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Austin Powers: Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass deceased, ham sandwich. Atlanta Falcons, deceased, choked on a 25 point lead. |
| " I pulled you over today because do you know how fast you were going today, sir?" "I definitely was not driving as fast as you, officer." |
| I went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar... But they only gave me 3 quarters. |
| Two Scientists Walk Into a Bar The first scientist says "I'll have some H2O" The second scientist then proceeds to grab a stool from the bar and throw it at his colleague, realising that the first scientist was trying to murder him. |
| If only Jason Pierre Paul played for the Patriots instead of the Giants... He would be the first NFL player to have a ring on every finger. |
| What is Mexico's National Animal? The drug mule. |
| Where did the king keep his armies? In his sleevies |
| What's the difference between a dirty bird and a dirty tub? A DIRTY TUB HAS A RING! |
| Two old prostitutes are sitting on a porch reminiscing about the good old days... One asks: "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other one replies: "No, but I've been swung by the tits a few times." |
| Someone running behind a car gets exhausted Someone running in front of a car gets tired |
| How do you wake Lady Gaga from a Nap? Poker Face |
| My son didn't take his kleptomania medication this morning. He took mine. |
| The Atlanta quarterback should become a baseball pitcher... He's great at throwing. |
| Want to hear a Super Bowl joke? The Atlanta Falcons. |
| I bought some shoes from a drug dealer I'm Ng sure what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day |
| Free hoover It's just collecting dust |
| Why is free Wi-Fi never seen in churches? Because no church wants to be challenged by an invisible power that actually works. |
| How could anybody be a masochist? Beats me... |
| I'm changing my name to Lead So I have a pretty good chance of someone blowing me |
| Marriage certificate. WIFE: "Honey, what are you doing?" HUSBAND: "I'm reading our marriage certificate" WIFE: "What for?" HUSBAND: "I'm looking for the expiry date..." |
| Girl wanted me to maker her scream with two fingers. So I poked her in both eyes. |
| Marriage counselor. A married couple come to the marriage counselor. The wife complains: "We were having a perfect marriage, until his girlfriend started dating my boyfriend..." |
| Wanna hear the best Irish joke ever? Dry weather. |
| Booze man Little Johny comes to his drunk uncle: -Uncle, you should stop drinking -Ahh Johny, I am too old to stop now. -But, Uncle, it is never too late to stop. -Then I have plenty of time before I stop, my dear Johny. |
| What do you call a cow with Parkinsons? Beef Jerky |
| Donald trump takes The New England Patriots out on his Yacht to celebrate their latest Super Bowl victory. The Yacht sinks and America is great again. |
| Anne has a will... Anne Hathaway |
| How do you crucify a spastic? On a swastika. |
| i've got a Liszt of great composer puns that's Haydn in my closet somewhere... i could look Bach there and read it to you, but i don't think you could Handel it. |
| What's the difference between dubstep and any other kind of electronic music? In the middle of a dubstep track, Optimus Prime takes a dump. |
| What did the Cardinal say when he saw the Pope had forgot to flush? Holy shit! |
| Two cholo bitches are arguing over who's nails are better, and shit is ABOUT TO GO DOWN. To prevent a fight, what kind of test can you administer in this situation to determine who's nails are actually the most fire? A "lit mas" test. |
| Since the term "Gay" refers to people who are homosexual I guess that makes them a HOMOsapien |
| Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny. |
| Boyfriend: "I bet you $100 you can't say something that makes me both happy and sad". Girlfriend: "of all your friends, you have the biggest dick". |
| I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age. |
| Welcome to Trump's America where the best black superbowl player is White. |
| The author of the book "Childish Retorts" died today. RIP Ewan Whosarmy |
| Difference between twins I've fucked a set of twins. People have asked me how hard it was to tell them apart, but it was actually quite easy. You see, Caroline was a redhead with an amazing pair of tits, And frank had a cock. |
| How do you make lady Gaga cry? Poker face |
| I accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it also cost me a fortune in stamps. |
| How do you circumcise a Trump supporter? Kick his secret gay lover in the jaw. |
| Are you sure you're the Falcons? And not the *Falcants?* |
| I was addicted to the hokey pokey... But I turned myself around. |
| Beer is like the sun Beer is like the Sun. It rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist. |
| Why is spongebob great at high pressure situations? Because he can soak up the pressure. |
| What Is Undeniably The Most Hated Thing In The Community Garden? A Dick Tator |
| School is like my baby boy... It hasn't worked right since I dropped it. |
| The "American Dream" was discussed in class the other day... ... the professor turned to the German foreign exchange student and asked if they had anything like that in Germany to which he responded, "We did, but nobody liked it." |
| What's the point of Jewish football? Getting the quarter back. |
| Overtime is a curse word in retail.* *And the Atlanta Falcons. |
| The last time the Reds had a collapse this big West and East Berlin became united |
| I forgot how to throw a boomerang but then it came back to me. |
| The patriots may have won the super bowl... But the Falcons won the popular vote |
| Falcons return to Atlanta tomorrow Guess the walking dead will be back sooner than we thought |
| What did Andrew Johnson say when he was inaugurated into office after Walt Whitman wrote his poem? I'm the Captain Now |
| What kind of party did the Donners have? A meat and greet. |
| What's the difference between a rat and a prostitute? One's a cunning runt, the other is a running cunt. |
| I have a cold Its snot good. |
| I tried to send her nudes... ...But the file size was too big. |
| Who's a urologist's favorite jazz singer? Urethra Franklin! |
| Peter Dinklage should open a BBQ restaurant Called "Pig Me" |
| I haven't seen a lead blown this badly since Hilary's 2016 campaign. |
| What does Hillary and the falcons have in common? They both blew it in the last quarter. |
| Why was the ground all white after Custer's Last Stand? Because the Indians kept coming and coming and coming... **Courtesy of Stephen King's "The Stand" |
| What do the Falcons have in common with Democrats? They both won the popular vote but lost to Trump. |
| A man walks into a bar ...and says "ouch" Someone should move that. |
| A man drives over his wife who's fault is it? The mans, he shouldn't have been driving in the kitchen. |
| I need to pass my exams So I decided to join the Falcons. They pass even when they shouldn't. |
| I know why Matt Ryan still single He has a choking fetish |
| New Job Opening! Atlanta Falcons Defensive Coordinator No experience needed! |
| The Devil went down to Georgia . . . And obviously reneged on his deal with Falcons fans. |
| I think if I saw God strangle Satan right now... ...it would only be the second biggest choke I've seen tonight. |
| Who choked harder the Golden State Warriors or the Atlanta Falcons? Hillary Clinton |
| Dark humor is like food, not everybody gets it. |
| Abreva The official sponsor of the Lombardi Trophy procession... and all other major sports trophies. |
| The New England Patriots are perfect. Perfect 5/7. |
| Tom Brady and I have one thing in common, We are both now overqualified for our jobs. |
| The Mexican triathlon team is already being picked as the favorites for gold in the 2020 Olympics. All of their best runners and swimmers are soon returning home. |
| This day will go down in Falcons history..... The day the Falcons won the popular, but lost the electoral. |
| I got into a fight with my father when I told him Jim Morrison wasn't talented. He forced me to go to my room. I slammed my door behind me, and my dad said, "Don't you ever slam The Doors in my house again!" |
| What did the Falcons choke on after halftime? Deflated balls |
| Golden State Warriors "No one can choke harder than we did." Atlanta Falcons "Hold my beer." |
| Why must you hurry when having sex with your fat fiancÈe on top? It's a pressing engagement. |
| Tom Brady needs to improve... He needs to touch-up on his touchdowns. |
| You know what Trump and the Patriots have in common? Everyone hates them both, but they both win! |
| Whats the best way to fuck up anything? Take it to Atlanta. |
| To save time we should shorten POTUS to POS |
| Super Bowl Guess the Falcons were seeing how far hard they could throw a game, not a football... |
| I haven't seen a team blow a win this bad... Since Hitler invaded Russia |
| The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly Sherman marched to the sea |
| Congratulations to Tom Brady, the first player to be undefeated over 5+ Super Bowls. He's won all 5/7. |
| Don't let this Superbowl distract you... from the fact that the Warriors blew a 3-1 lead. |
| Dady, what is in between mummy's legs? - A paradise. - And what's between your's? - The key. - So you should change the lock, because our neighbour has a passkey. |
| What did the Hacker say to his girlfriend? "I'm in." |
| My friend keeps saying "Cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck in an underground hole full of water" I know he means well... |
| My wife said that having sex on holiday was the best It certainly wasn't the best postcard I've ever received |
| A Irish man goes to the builders merchant He picks up a tin of paint and brings it over to the counter. The woman behind the till scans it though and said 'would you like a bag for that.' He says: 'ah no it's fine in the tin.' |
| Which came first? The chicken or the egg? Chicken, the egg just laid there and took it. |
| A sex toy salesman from the US takes a business trip to Canada The border agent asks "are you going to Canada for business or pleasure". The salesman responds with "I'm here for the business of pleasure". |
| The Patriots can still win... By Electoral College votes. |
| God is everywhere. That's why Morgan Freeman is in every seat of the plane. |
| I hope Tom and Gisele weren't planning on having more kids. He's already firing blanks. |
| I don't get football.... At the beginning of the game, they flip a quarter to see who kicks off first. Then the rest of the game everybody just keeps trying to "get the quarter back". I mean, it's just a quarter, what's the big deal!?! |
| I wonder why dogs get mad when you blow in their faces but as soon as you put them in a car they stick their head out the window. |
| What? s the difference between a pizza and a jew The pizza doesn¥t scream when you put it in the oven |
| The Patriots The pats shoulda subbed Bush in, he got more yards on that wheelchair than Blount did all game. #riseup |
| When you buy a bigger bed... You have more bed room but less bedroom |
| How many black people does it take to start a riot? Negative 1 |
| The Patriots are like the "German Engineering" of NFL teams But even the Germans make mistakes |
| My granddad always did say that we were too reliant on technology... I replied, "No, you are grandpa." As I unplugged his life support |
| 1000 degree fidget spinner vs my neck. The result kept my head rolling! |
| A cop threatened to detain me for impersonating a police officer Apparently, "you can't arrest me, I'm a police officer!" wasn't a very good answer. |
| I once dated a girl who had no pubic hair. She insists she didn't shave or wax and said she wouldn't even be able to afford the supplies on her allowance anyways. |
| What's the best kind of fisherman? A master baiter. Lel |
| People say Trump is like Hitler.. except he's not because Hitler actually had a good healthcare plan... |
| I am looking for a Bank which can perform two things.. give me a Loan and then leave me Alone. |
| Remember to always check you're grammar. I'm sorry. |
| If you listen in on a butt dial... Is it called tapping that ass? |
| Is it just me... or does Tom Brady look really deflated right now? |
| Never knock on Death's door... Ring the bell and run, he hates that. |
| What type of cameras do police officers in the USA like? Point and Shoot |
| I totally forgot the Super Bowl was tonight! Don't worry; so did the ~~Patriots~~ Falcons. EDIT: Well, this is awkward. |
| What's Tom Brady's favorite sexual activity? Deflatio |
| Today my brother and i tried some new water It wasn't bad just basic. |
| No one knows what Lady Gaga is going to do during the Super Bowl... Because you can't read her poker face. |
| I don't believe in conspiracy theories I think conspiracy theorists are secretly working together to brainwash us |
| Watching the super bowl and my wife asks me who I'm cheering for. Wife: "who are you cheering for?" Me: "the Falcons." Wife: "are those the red people?" Me: "they're called Native Americans now, you racist". |
| Mom am I handsome? Son:. Mom, am I handsome? Mother:. I don't know, ask your girlfriend. Son: But ,I don't have a girlfriend. Mother: Then you have your answer. |
| Life is like a box of chocolates.... Empty cause I am fat. |
| In what location are additional entry ways always in demand? Mordor |
| What is the largest super bowl of them all? Forty. |
| Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" He died shortly after. |
| What have an Ostrich, a Pelican, and the tax man got in common? They can all stick their bills up their arse. (Credit: Billy Connolly) |
| Why do some African-Americans have afros? Because it's in their hairitage |
| I've seen lots of things on the Super Bowl over the years, like boobs... But this year takes the cake with seeing two bushes. |
| My grandma just asked me, "Son, what's your retirement plan?" I said, "It's you." |
| Did you all hear about the sick Chemist? If they don't Helium or Curium soon they'll have to Barium |
| I don't like to blow my own trumpet. Which is probably why I got removed from the school orchestra. |
| I heard my friend making bird puns and thought... Toucan play at that game. |
| Did you hear about the Pepsi delivery drivers who were fired? They tested positive for coke. |
| What did the trilobite say to his girlfriend while they were eating? "Can I trilobite of your food?" P.S. - my eleven year old sister came up with this |
| I told myself I would stop drinking But I'm not about to listen to some retard who talks to himself. |
| I found a kind of totally tubular vegetable yesterday... It was a rad-ish |
| How to lose weight while still eating fast food? Buy food from England, you tend to lose a few pounds. |
| When A Teacher Asks You If You Did Your Homework Teacher: Did you do your homework? Student: Did you grade my test? Teacher:I have other students' tests to grade. Student: I have other teachers' homework to do. |
| Why was the Buddhist sad when he was asked to send his resume to the company as a word document via email? Attachment leads to suffering. |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the New York Times! |
| How do you make a magician cry? You make his family disappear. |
| A turtle is walking across the yard . . . Three snails come up and mug him. Later the cops are asking questions about the mugging: "Can you describe your attackers?" The turtle responds, "I don't know, it all happened so fast . . ." |
| How did the deaf teacher give his deaf students their homework? He assigned it |
| I have evidence that the mods on r/jokes are censoring posts they dont like! More info in post! [removed] |
| When robots transform, they turn into cars. But what do cars turn into? Laneways. |
| I wish i had 2 cars. One delorean and some other car. I would usually drive with the latter, and with delorean only from time to time. |
| You won't believe what this group of teenage girls did! JK, that was just clique-bait |
| They say 1 in 10 people live next to a child sex offender Fortunately for me, I live next to two sexy 13 year olds! |
| Do you know what pisses redditors off? [deleted] ... and reposts |
| Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny was arrested? It's ok; he wasn't charged. |
| I want to share everything with you. Man: I want to share everything with you. Woman: Let?s start from your bank account. |
| Eventually, all hipsters will age and end up needing canes to help them walk... ...ironically. |
| Man: I'll take a rum and coke Bartender: Is pepsi ok? Man: Yeah, that'll do. Bartender: *hands him coke and pepsi* |
| What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator. DA DUM TSS. |
| A hat for kirk My mum wanted to knit a hat for Captain Kirk of the USS enterprise, but it is quite tricky for someone who has three ears! His left ear, his right ear and his final front-ear. |
| Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live" Patient: "What? 10 What? Years? Weeks?!!" Doctor: "Nine" |
| Arjun the Indian wife-beater punches his wife every night at 7 PM On the dot. |
| What's the most annoying thing about an aging hipster? He fucked your mom before it was popular. |
| Why do trans-people go invisible when they have kids? They become trans-parent. |
| What time is it when you have $1.25? A quarter past four. |
| Some people dont like meatloaf... But if you listen to his songs, 2 out of 3 aint bad. |
| What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message. |
| Never trust shrimp They're full of shit |
| How do you pick up an elephant with one hand? You can't. Elephants don't have hands. |
| The chicken was acquitted of murder... ... because there was no evidence of fowl-play. |
| Your family tree must be a cactus. Because everyone on it is a prick. |
| A wife asks her husband, "what would he do if she died"? Husband: "I would go insane!" Wife: "Would you remarry?" Husband: "I don't know. You can't predict what an insane person would do." |
| #3335 I first heard this one from my brother when I was twelve and it's been a favorite ever since! |
| Why will all of the referees check their voicemail immediately after the Super Bowl? So they can hear someone say "no missed calls" |
| A wise Chinese monk once said, "If the dog barks... it's not cooked well enough." |
| Say, have you heard the joke about the pizza without the sauce? Well, it goes like- Nevermind, it's too cheesy. |
| What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages? Trilingual. What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages? Bilingual. What do you call someone who speaks 1 language? French. |
| Why do men like bacon? Because they're pigs. |
| What happened to Cinderella after the ball? She choked. |
| What is Mexico's national sport? Cross country |
| Why was the Energizer Bunny sent to jail? Domestic battery |
| Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump. But its a silly comparison really, its like comparing apples to oranges. |
| Did you hear about the blonde who backed into an airplane propeller? Disaster. |
| What sound does a 747 make when it lands? Boeing! Boeing! Boeing! |
| As a Christian I can't Believe there are Billy Idol Cover Bands The Bible is very clear that we should not have False Idols |
| A blind man walks into a bar... and a table... and a chair. |
| What do you get when you take the i out of waiter? A ban from the restaurant |
| Think Recursion There are two kinds of people in the world, ones who divide the world into two kinds of people and ones who do not. |
| What do you call a deer with no eyes? I have no ideer |
| Ever use an expensive toothbrush? It's breath-taking |
| The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense. |
| And God said to man, "I will put obediant women on all corners of the world," then laughed as he made the world a ball. |
| Help me To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I'm in public. Thanks. |
| Why does Trump keep marrying immigrants? Because no Americans were willing to take the job. |
| What do you call a Sasquatch in mud? Dirty Hairy |
| How will Tom Brady feel if the Patriots lose? Deflated. |
| A psychiatrists secretary walked into his study... And said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responded... "Tell him I can't see him." |
| Have a good day When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day. Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home. |
| How do you kill a clown? Stab it repeatedly |
| A Very Funny beautiful girl was a college student. Once Very Funny Girl comes late to class. Teacher: Why are you late? Very Funny Girl : One boy was following me, sir. Teacher: So, What? Very Funny Girl : That boy was walking very slow. |
| What do you can a pile of cats? A meowtian of pussy. |
| My wife complained that our sex life was boring I replied with "Well honey, if the same thing every three days works for r/jokes, it should be good enough for you." |
| What's brown and sticky? A brown stick **slaps knee** Wakka wakka wakka! |
| Guys... I don't think Trump is really our president... He might just be Putin us on! |
| My wife and I decided not to have children... The kids are taking it pretty hard. |
| A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre So the barman gives her one |
| I scared the postman today by showing up to the door completely naked i scared the postman today by showing up to the door completely naked. im not sure what scared him more, the fact that i was naked, or that i knew where he lived |
| To prevent date rape, there's a new drug for men called Niagra Viagra Rises, Niagra falls! |
| Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd. |
| A bear walks into a bar... ... goes up to the barman and says "I'd like a gin and tonic .............. and a packet of peanuts". The barman says "Sure, but why the big pause?". The bear holds up his hands and says, "These? Hey, I was born with them". |
| I'm curious what my vegetarian friend will bring to the superbowl party tonight. Hopefully it's an apology. |
| If I could travel back in time, I would go to the Inquisition. I heard the women had nice racks. |
| Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? Big fingers! |
| I don't watch the news anymore I just lie to my self and cut out the middle man. |
| I'm ordering a chicken and an egg from Amazon I'll let you know |
| Who do you call when a popcorn gets murdered? The pop coroner |
| Loving beer and wanting abs is hard So I had to cancel my gym membership due to conflict of interests |
| [NSFW] Yesterday i was caught masturbating in the shower Bet I never get allowed in to Auschwitz again. |
| Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again! |
| I saw two names carved in a tree... I do not think its cute. On the contrary, its alarming how many people take a knife on a date. |
| Did you hear about that new, bad pizza joint? Yay, they're getting critically panned by reviewers. |
| Conjunctivitis.com That?s a site for sore eyes - Tim Vine, 2012 |
| Which college football team keeps people awake at night? The long horns |
| What kind of processors do slow PCs use? Potato Chips! |
| Did you know Matthew McConaughey is left handed? Just kidding, he's alright alright alright. |
| Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses the finest ingredients. |
| Russian dictators are the best. They?re the crËme de la Kremlin! |
| Hothead Pat, upset by how the Super Bowl is going, starts destroying things. Police get on the megaphone trying to evacuate the area: "Go, Pat riots!" |
| What is a snowflake's school grade based on? Class precipitation. |
| What kind of dessert makes women gain the most weight? Wedding Cake. |
| I just completed a puzzle in 6 months despite it saying 4 - 6 years on the box. |
| What did the zeros say after the election? He will not divide us |
| "A boy jumped through the window". What is the subject? English literature |
| What's the best part of a lobster pizza? The **crust**acean. |
| I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..." Then I said, "turn Left". |
| Start typing on a laptop im not used to 4vjenp/ptth |
| Words of wisdom I'd rather kill myself than to commit suicide. |
| I didn't know the Disneyland had moved to the white house ... Apparently the president is Donald and the vice is Mickey. |
| At what time was Justin Trudeau eaten by a monster? Ate P.M. |
| We need to stop animal testing our products "But shampoo and makeup companies do it" "We make dildos" |
| What do you call it when you are studying bacteria and someone steals your sample? Cultural appropriation. |
| Scientific opinions differ... on whether climate change deniers have dog or rat shit for brains. |
| While I was on the bus, the person standing next to me played the national anthem While I was sitting on the bus, the person standing next to me played the national anthem, I stood up and he took my seat. |
| the flat earth society ... ... has members all around the globe |
| I've tried to stop swearing but i cunt. |
| What do you call it when a girl wants sex and lies about being on her period Getting caught red handed |
| US Representatives are like the dislike button on Youtube comments They are supposed to be there to represent your dissent and anger, but never actually do. |
| I was sitting in a diner waiting order, when I hear, "Does anyone know CPR?" I said, "I know the entire alphabet!" We all laughed and laughed...except one guy. |
| You know the old saying "Liquor before beer, in the clear; beer before liquor never sicker" As it turns out liquor before liquor before liquor is worse |
| Why are Samoan's offended by the Samoa Girl Scout Cookie? I mean it's not like white people care about crackers being called crackers. |
| I love to watch my guests throw up. So I always put the dartboard on the ceiling. |
| Superbowl That's it, that is the joke. |
| Did you hear the joke about Oxygen and Potassium? It was OK |
| I love cats They taste ***just*** like chicken! |
| What does the oxygen say to the magma? I LAVA you |
| What do you get if you cross an insomniac with an atheist and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a file after death. |
| My boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people. |
| Grammar Nazis no longer exist Their called the Alt-Write now |
| If humans were potatoes what would Donald Trump be called? A dick tater |
| Donald Trump might be the greatest salesman of all time. He sold bullshit to over 60 million people... and they bought it. |
| What does the word "gay" mean? Asked a boy to his father, to which he replied, "It means happy, son". "Are you happy the Dad?" Asked the boy "No son, I have a wife" |
| I love the way the world rotates It really makes my day. |
| My wife must have shit herself when i was born! Because she was only twelve days old |
| How many Aggies does it take to build a bonfire? It's like dividing by zero. It can't be done |
| An old couple is sitting in church The wife turns to the husband and says, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do." "Put new batteries in your hearing aids." |
| *A man is trying to prove his innocence in court* Defendant: "Please your honour, I don't have a single bad bone in my body" Prosecutor: "Well according to your medical exam it appears you have osteoporosis" Judge: "Guilty" |
| A man wakes up in hospital and exclaims, "Doctor! I... I can't feel my legs"! Doctor: "Right, that's because we had to amputate your arms". |
| My wife said that I don't listen... ...or it was something like that. |
| Why did the console gamer die in the art gallary? There was too many frames. |
| So i was at this bar And the bar tender yelled "Does anyone know CPR!?" I yelled back "Yeah I do, and I know the rest of the alphabet too!" Everybody in the bar laughed....Except one guy. |
| As a black man why don't I like cops? Beats me |
| Did you hear about the foreskin that accidentally walked into the Shul? [removed] |
| I wish I got laid as much... ... as I get screwed |
| What did the General say to the Sultan when they lost the battle? "Sir, we're Otto-men!" |
| How do you know if you have one of the rare $1million pennies in circulation? You don't. |
| I started teaching Maths to midgets in my area. I'm making little things count. |
| Three words to ruin a man's ego...? Is it in? |
| I have just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way. |
| Why can't noses be 12 unches long? Because then it'd be a foot! |
| My girlfriend wanted me to treat her like a princess. So I gave her to a gorilla for him to throw barrels at me. |
| If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... I'd have enough money to buy the rights for this joke. |
| It's Albert Einstein, not mine Few things are Infinite, The Universe, Human stupidity and the amount of times you have to tell your Mother you can't pause an online Game. |
| What does a man with no balls and a small penis have in common with a joke with a good punchline... They both make you laugh and you don't see them coming. |
| It takes many nails to build a crib... But only one to fill it |
| What do you call a gay couple in their 80? Slo-mo sexuals. |
| One day, Canada will take over the world. Then we'll all be sorry. |
| What is Donald Trump's most anticipated movie of the year? The Great Wall. |
| My dad has suggested that I register to be an organ donor.... I guess he is a man after my own heart. |
| I got arrested for killing a black man. They charged me with impersonating a police officer. |
| What is Justin Timberlake's Favorite vacation spot in the Ukraine? Crimea River |
| Britain is the best place for foodies. You loose pounds everytime you eat |
| I sat next to a smoking-hot thai woman on an aeroplane once... I thought to myself.... *"please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...."* And then she did. |
| Girl, you're just like breathing... All I ever think about |
| What do fish like to smoke? Seaweed |
| Two fish are swimming Two fish are swimming, One hits a wall and says dam. |
| My ex-girlfriend still loves it when I eat her out of house and home. Is this the usual breakup routine? |
| What's Trump's favorite math operation? Division. |
| Why is Donald Trump single? Because he doesn't want to be with some Juan. |
| Talk is cheap. But AM radio still can't turn a profit. |
| I saw two kids fighting on the play ground. As the only adult there I had to step in. They never had a chance. |
| What did Barrack say when he was all alone? [1/2 OC] Here I am Obama self... Like a crab in Michelle. |
| What did the young casserole say to his mother when she called him down for dinner? "I can't Ma, I'm stroganoff!" |
| Are you a dime? Because no one fucking wants you. |
| What do you call a fashionable Russian? Spetsnazzy. |
| Nerdy pickup line Hey baby, are you a compressed file format, because rar. ^^^^^now ^^^^^where ^^^^^did ^^^^^I ^^^^^put ^^^^^the ^^^^^bleach... |
| Three words I can't stand *three words, I can't stand |
| Girlfriend: Would you dump me for someone more like a trophy wife? Me: Honey, I already have someone like that! Girlfriend: Aww, you're too sweet! Me: Yeah, you should meet her! |
| How do you get a condom on an elephant? Take the 'Y' out of 'easy' and the 'F' out of 'Way' .... |
| If a feminist makes herself a sandwich.. Is she oppressing herself? Bring it on. |
| 'Waiter,' said the customer, 'there's a hair in this honey.' 'Ah', replied the waiter, 'it must be from the comb.' |
| Ever since I've installed Adblocker... for some reason all the local singles lost interest in me. |
| Ever wonder why Jewish girls are so hot? its because the nazis put them in ovens. |
| What's it called when an entire store is sick? A staph (staff) infection. |
| Z used to be at the front of the alphabet But as we all know, a threw z. |
| Boss: Take this broom and go sweep the hallways! Employee: But I'm a college graduate! Boss: Great! Then I should only have to explain this just once. |
| I know that the placebos is supposed to help with testing pills and medicines if they actually work... But who's smart-ass idea was it to try it with Birth Control!?!? |
| 4 years old: what do you call a cow that does not moo? 5 years old: it is called no moo cow. |
| New Yorkers; don't go on flight 225B tomorrow *sent from a Galaxy Note 7* |
| "Hello, is this the anonymous FBI tip line?" "Yes, Dave." |
| They say that the best thing to do is something that excites you and scares you at the same time. Time to go fuck a blender. |
| What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she's holding a hand grenade. |
| What do you call a skinny tree? The Real Slim Shady |
| What does the NFL, NBA, and the Catholic Church have in common? They all have a cult following |
| A guy walked up to me and said... "I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!" and I said "Relax man, you're two tents!" |
| After my wife gave birth I asked my doctor when we could have sex He told me as soon as he'd washed his hands |
| You should be as excited about church as about the Superbowl. So when your pastor makes a point this Sunday, dump gatorade all over his head. |
| Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Because they are dead. |
| I can never calculate the derivative of a curve. Every time I try, I go off on a tangent. |
| What do you call a dildo you can smoke weed out of? A bong dong. |
| Difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana Tiger Woods has a better driver |
| What has Donald Trump in common with Pink Floyd? The Wall. |
| Two surfer dudes are sitting in church One turns to the other and says, "DUDE! Did you know God has a name?" "Dude, NO WAY!!!" "Yahweh!" |
| I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression.. Being sad since I was born. |
| What is brown and sticky? Shit |
| The only difference between my dick and a tiny action figure Is that my dick comes without any warning. |
| I have a feeling Gordon Ramsay likes to wear condoms when he has sex Because he doesn't like it raw. |
| Ellen should give away more stuff Then rename her show Ellen the Generous. |
| Donald, Melania, and Ivanka are at the game They show up on the kiss cam, so Donald and Ivanka kiss |
| What do you get if your pour hot water down a rabbit hole? Hot-Cross bunnies! =? |
| My wife was writing a VD poem My wife was diligently writing something this morning. I asked her what she was writing? She relied that she was composing my Valentines Day poem. I was kinda chocked up then, she asked, "What rhymes with SCUM-BAG?" |
| Me: Hey dad, tell me a joke! Dad: Pussy. Me: I don't get it. Dad: I know. |
| Shakira Law What's the difference between Trump and "Shakira Law?" Hips don't lie. |
| What did the Princess do when she got to the ball? *Makes choking noise* |
| What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain. |
| Why did the dumb cat slip and fall from the roof? Because º = 0 |
| How do you think the unthinkable? With an ithburg. |
| A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. When the bartender points it out, the pirate replies "Arrrgh, it's been driving me nuts all day." |
| Guess who retweeted me? Your mom. |
| My mom made chicken soup with rice in it... I told her, "I don't want chicken soup with Ricin!" |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_5.txt |
|---|
| @@ -0,0 +1,660 @@ |
|---|
| My friend says he has the body of a Greek god... I had to explain to him that Buddha wasn't Greek. |
| OMG!! I used to be SOOOOOOO popular with the local ladies!!! THen I got ad-blocker |
| How do you get kicked out of the Boy-scouts? Eating a brownie. |
| Bill Gates Went To A Restaurant And Paid A $2 Tip, The Waiter Remarked: "Your son gave $100, but you're only giving $2?" Bill Gates: "He's the son of a billionaire, I'm the son of a farmer." |
| What do they call a dildo in Ireland? A Shamcock! |
| I named my new art Peach It looks pretty, but is completely useless. |
| I became a proud dad today. My son is four, but he acted like a whiny bitch for the first three years. |
| Did you hear about the play with all the frogs? It was ribbitting. |
| What Gun Company Was Created By Cats Mauser. I'm sorry |
| I asked my friend why his bike was so fast He said it was made in Kenya I'm sorry I know this makes no sense whatsoever just click the downvote and be done with it |
| My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection... You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills. |
| I didn't get the question on the exam wrong... I just put down an alternative answer. |
| I wrote several books about poltergeists. They're flying off the shelves. |
| What rhymes with orange. No it doesn't. |
| Nobody believes that I can name the Canadian Prime Minister. It's Trudeau. |
| My friend gave me his epi-pen as he was dying But I can't get it to sign my name to save my life either |
| What's an engineer's best form of birth control? His personality. |
| What's the difference between Taylor Swift and a stale Pepsi? The stale Pepsi won't write a song about me after I dump it. |
| Alzheimer's isn't bad at all You get to meet new people every day! :D |
| I made a political joke up just now... Given the current temperature of the political climate.... Do you think we can all finally agree on climate change? |
| What is Michael Jackson's favorite musical key? F minor. |
| If I had a dollar... for everyone who thought I was unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive. |
| My brother just messaged me "I love my girlfriend <3". I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous. |
| What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce? Chicken Caesar salad! |
| Why do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry. |
| I've already got a car, but I want to have a DeLorean as well. I would drive my first car every day, but only drive the DeLorean from time to time. |
| Did you hear about the deaf women getting run over by a train? Neither did she |
| I noticed my waitress had a black eye So I ordered very slowly because obviously she doesn't listen |
| My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad I had to take his bike away |
| The chance an American will be killed by a foreign-born refugee is 1 in 3.64 billion. Trump supporter : So you're telling me there is still a chance! |
| I asked my dentist if I can have some of his laughing gas. He said: "sure, knock yourself out." |
| What's brown and has four wheels? A turd. I was just shitting you about the wheels. |
| I am all for animal testing. As long as they are animal products. I don't want my dogs raincoat to be fitted for a human. |
| We need to revolt against the... outlets. They have all the power! |
| How does Link from Legend of Zelda always die? Heart complications. |
| Hey girl, do you live in a corn field? Because I'm stalking you. |
| So my friends younger brother tells me... Him: Do you know what a gun that would shoot pubes sound like? Me: wtf pubes?... I don't know... Him: Pew... Pew Pew Kids these days. |
| My English teacher said that nothing rhymes with orange. There was a young man who had nothing, Until one day he happened upon an orange. That rhymes? |
| I Like My Women Like My fish Battered |
| My Mom made chicken soup with celery, chicken, carrots, and rice in it. I told her, "I don't want soup with Ricin!" |
| Yo momma so basic... ...she got a pH of 15. |
| Dreamed I died in an orange sea Was just a FANTA sea |
| I would like to be poor one day. Because being poor everyday it's hard... |
| Redditors are like pornstars... They're better when they're not old, but not too young. |
| Switzerland is a great country, with amazing views and nice people And their flag is also great, which is a huge plus. |
| "I will argue with you about anything. Anything at all." "No you won't." "Yeah I will" |
| What do you pay a British saxophonist? A tenner. |
| What do hillbillies and yeast have in common? They're both in bred |
| And the bartender said... "We don't serve time travellers". A time traveller walked into the bar. Saw this in a comment can't find it now, thought I share here. |
| What's the difference between China and Oceania? One spies on its citizens, uses torture, spreads false propaganda, and won't stop fighting with its neighbors. The other is something Orwell put in a book |
| A crossfitter, a vegan, and a trump supporter walk into a bar I only know because they told everyone who was there. |
| We should switch to the hexadecimal number system already. And I have a good reasons why. |
| Why are there no teams named after a dog in the NFL? They would get beaten by Michael Vick |
| Knock knock jokes. Don't upvote, I just need a good punchline quick. Please help. |
| How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? **One** Germans are efficient & have no humor. |
| What do you call an honest capitalist? A small time robber |
| I feel like a man trapped in a horse's body. It sucks being a centaur. |
| I saw two women in a passionate conversation. "How on earth did *he* get between *them*?" I overheard one of them say. I said, "I guess the 't' and 'm' made room." |
| Did you know that the mascot of scientology is a horse? Because it's a colt. |
| Waldo is being interviewed by the press at the Super Bowl. Waldo, how much did you pay for your ticket? Did you get a good seat? Where will you be sitting to watch the game? "I'm just here so I won't get found." |
| British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children Fair enough, use an ashtray. |
| Yo moms pussy is so bushy It did 9/11 |
| My friend gave me his Epi-Pen while he was dying. I guess he just really wanted me to have it as a last wish... |
| How do you get down from an elephant? ... You don't. You get down from a goose! |
| What did the mathematician say when she squared i? Shit just got real. |
| My doctor used two fingers during my prostate exam... He said he needed a second opinion. |
| My sexually ambiguous child just handed me some money. It was a trans-action. |
| Kim Jong Un is like a Penis shaped potato. He's a little Dick-Tater. |
| Isis bumper sticker I'd rather be heading. |
| I'd love to watch 48 Hours But it would be Monday by the time it's finished and ain't nobody got time for that. |
| What do apes call sunbathing? Orangutanning. |
| I went for a job interview today... "Describe yourself in one word." "Indecisive, maybe. I'm not sure." |
| Hey I just met you, And this is crazy, I have Alzheimer's, Hey I just met you. |
| I got into a car accident just now. My wife and children are dead and I'm not doing too well myself. Luckily, it only hurts when I laugh. HahaHahaahahahaha. Hahahahahaha. Hahahahahahaha. |
| Mother: Son, your teacher told me you've been swearing in school Boy: Mom, do you believe everything that fucking bitch says? |
| Hillary Clinton is starting her own Television show. It was going to be called The Biggest Loser but that was taken so she is going with The Biggest Liar. |
| When I was in college, my roommates would have sex with anything that moved. I never felt the need to limit myself that much. |
| What is it called what a man goes down on a woman in a bar? A pub.lic display of affection |
| What do you call a deer with no eyes? No ideer What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no ideer |
| How do you become a millionaire with horses? You start as a billionaire. |
| I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "get off me you two!" |
| Did you hear about the guy who made an outfit out of super glue? It was hard to pull off. |
| How do you keep an idiot worried for a day? I'll tell you first thing tomorrow |
| What do you call a carabao who can climb a tree? Awesome!!! |
| This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder. |
| Death and My Dad I want to die peacefully and in my sleep like my father did, not screaming in terror like his passengers. |
| I want to die peacefully in sleep, just like my father. Not screaming in horror like passengers in his bus. |
| Donald Trump Worst joke I ever told. |
| My mother was in a car crash but luckily she was okay... WAS okay, she's dead now. |
| How do you find Ronald McDonald at a nude beach? He's got sesame seed buns |
| A man had his credit card stolen... However, he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. |
| Don't you hate it when you think of something funny to post and... you forget to reddit down. |
| What do you call a rain of strategy games? A Tropico storm |
| I asked my girlfriend if we could have sex tonight. She said she wants to remain a virgin until her wedding night...butt fuck it. |
| People take so much for granted. Like punchlines. |
| Why Do Lesbians Like Cats So Much? Because a dog is a man's best friend. |
| How many planets are there? Guy: How many planets are there? Girl: 8 Guy: Wrong, 7 after I destroy uranus |
| What did the clock do after night left him? He was in mourning. |
| Violence is the only option. Unless a mosquito lands on your dick, then it's a hostage situation. |
| What does a good carpenter and a 20 years old girl have in common? No wood gets wasted |
| I write my mistresses' phone numbers on the rear view mirror. I know my wife would never think to look there. |
| My Ex Girlfriend was getting beaten up at a bus stop by 5 guys, so as a human being I had to step in and help.... She didn't stand a chance against the 6 of us |
| Why do the newly rich like to buy Rolex watches? To know when it is time for a new wife. |
| If I had a dollar... For every time I disappointed my family, I would have enough to make them proud. |
| What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm in your apple. |
| People here take so much for granted. If you took away someone's car, house and clothes, They'd have nothing. But if you did the same to someone from one of the poorest countries, they'd probably still have aids. |
| Mr. President, two brazillian soldiers died in our military strike in Yemen. "Oh my god... Do we have to file for bankruptcy already?" |
| I let a pasta chef borrow my car He returned it all denty. |
| Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them. |
| What's the best thing about dating a feminist? When you go out for dinner you only have to pay for your half! |
| Jesus may have been offended Elderly couple in church during Easter mass. Wife turns to husband and says, "I have just done a silent fart, what should I do?" Husband says, "put new batteries in your hearing aid!" |
| Anal with my girlfriend makes my whole day But it makes her hole weak |
| Time Machine **What do we want?** *Time machine!* **When do we want it?** *Doesn't matter!* |
| I'm working on my second Billion dollars. My first billion didn't work out so I've moved on to my second. |
| I attempted suicide today Won't ever do that again, I almost killed myself |
| How many contractors does it take to screw in a light blub? None, it's a union job. |
| If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined. |
| Did you know Obama was from Hawaii Kenya believe it? |
| I took my Indian friend to a Persian restaurant He said the pita was second to naan. |
| I come off confident and cocky cause i call my dick life. But really its cause life is short. |
| By accident, I wore my son's shirt to work today. It was a bit tight under the arms. Guess I should have taken his arms out of it before I put it on. |
| How did the deaf man get his hearing back? His wife slapped a fifth sense into him. |
| What kind of bee gives you immortality? A Zom-bee!!! |
| What do you call a Muslim entering America? Same as every other person, a tourist |
| So a bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here!" A time traveler walks into a bar. |
| An eagerly-awaited cook book "Cooking with Herbs" finally released! It's about thyme. |
| What's it called when you mix champagne with orange juice at breakfast? Alcoholism |
| Did you see the new "American Tail" movie with Donald Trump in it? Fievel goes back to Russia. |
| On a scale of 0 to 1, I think I'm two funny!... Well maybe, on a scale of 0 to 1, I'm nought funny. |
| Fell asleep at a house party last night and someone put a teabag in my mouth, I went fucking mental... No one treats me like a mug |
| I heard Beyonce is having twins... !RemindMe 18 years |
| A jew, christian, and muslim all walk into a bar... the muslim explodes |
| What do Donald Trump's toupee and a thong have in common They both barely cover an asshole. |
| So my drug dealer sold me a pair of shoes. I don't know what he laced them with, but I'm tripping. |
| An F5 tornado went through Arkansas last week... It did $150 million worth of improvements. |
| They say sex doesn't count until you're two inches in So I'll be a virgin forever |
| Genetic engineering now allows parents to select the eye color of their children. More great work from the University of Josef Mengele. |
| USSR- United States Snowflakes & Retards. |
| How do you create a hipster? Give a homeless guy an iPhone. |
| Teacher: If you have 52 watermelons in one hand, and 43 apples in the other, you give 7 fruits to your friend, what do you have? Student: A friend |
| A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer ...than the men who mention it. |
| A pirate goes to a doctor... A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them. "It's ok," he says. "They're benign." The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!" |
| Two cannibals are eating Carlos Mencia. One of them turns to the other and says, "Hey, didn't we see this joke yesterday?" |
| My wife treats me like God, she ignores me until she wants something |
| How does a Trump supporter fit 50,000 books in their living room? In the fireplace. |
| I know that Jesus was black Because he was carpenter yet you never heard about him building anything |
| Why do so many blues musicians come from Korea? Theres a lot of Seoul |
| What did the oceans say to eachother? Nothing, they just waved. |
| How does a chemistry teacher pick up girls? "Hey baby, wanna head back to my place and form a covalent bond?" |
| How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? Two One to screw in the lightbulb and 1 to hold the Cock Edit: Father Edit2: Ladder |
| What's the difference between and out law and an in law? Outlaws are wanted. |
| Why can't t-rex clap their hands? Because they're all dead. |
| An introvert walks into a bar... Then immediately walks out because fuck that shit. |
| Hooters Hooters is known for two things......boobs |
| Hey buddy do you want to see the game this Sunday? *Puts on 1997 movie "The Game" by David Fincher* |
| When in doubt ... Wife : I doubt my husband has been cheating on me.... I have doubt on one woman we both know.... What to do? Shrink: Take your husband to that woman's doorstep and see if his wi-fi connects automatically. |
| Bowling Green Massacre jokes are in bad taste Show some respect for the victims! |
| Apple has now turned to medical accessories!! their first product is the Ipatch! |
| What's the difference between Donald Trump and a baby polar bear? It will be a year before the baby polar bear kills its first seal. |
| I have a girlfriend but.... "But what?" "She's in another nation" "Which one?" "Imagination" |
| What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke. |
| What kind of pants does a scientist wear? A pair of genes. |
| Why can't you wear 'Y' fronts in Russia? Because Chernobyl fall out. |
| What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold your nuts this is no ordinary blowjob! |
| Yes, I?ve lost to my computer at chess... But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing. |
| Why do people never eat clocks? Because it?s really time consuming. |
| My son got hold of my autobiography and threw the pages all around the house. I really need to sort my life out. |
| If I ever go missing, you should put my picture on beer rather than milk bottles... This way, my friends will find me faster. |
| In Trumps America he's not Aladdin He's Aladout |
| Job interview in a psychiatry... So you?re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people? I?ve been on Facebook for 5 years now. Very good, the job is yours. |
| What perches on your computer and says "Pieces of seven, pieces of seven"? A parity error |
| My friends asked me to impersonate a lion. It was a roaring success. |
| I've spilt paint. It's a dyer situation. |
| The neighbours kept me up last night because they were having sex into the early hours of the morning. I would have asked my wife to knock on their door, but she was out playing tennis with her friends. |
| I was gunna write the great American nursing home romance novel... ....but the title "50 Shades of Grey" was already taken. |
| What?s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One?s a Goodyear. The other?s a great year. |
| Porn is so unrealistic Just took a shower with my girlfriend..... And stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos. |
| What?s the difference between anal and oral sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak. |
| Hillary Clinton is getting her own video game. Left 4 Dead: Benghazi |
| Why do vegetarians give good head? Because they?re used to eating nuts. |
| My roommate claims I'm schizophrenic. We'll show him. |
| How many millennials does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, it's already lit, fam. |
| Why does the National Football League deserve Tax-Exempt Status even though it generated at least $9 billion in revenue last season? Because it is just as real as the other religions. |
| The most attractive part of Amy Schumer is.... Her Gravitational pull. |
| If you're a guy applying for a porn agency... Do you send headshots or headshots? |
| I painted my computer black to make it run faster... but it just stopped working |
| When i was 5 i thought the rain was god peeing How silly childish ideas can be...thinking god exists |
| How does a bass player pick up girls? He says "Hi I'm a guitarist" |
| Jose Cuervo is about to come out with a new Diet Tequila.... After the 2nd shot, every girl in the bar will look like they've lost 20 lbs. |
| Why was Six afraid of Seven Because Seven was a registered Six offender. |
| "Do one thing everyday that scares you." -Eleanor Roosevelt Today, I will fuck a cactus. |
| Throwing acid is wrong.. .. in some people's eyes. |
| How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They just beat the room for being black. |
| "How long do I have to live?" "I am afraid you have a terminal illness, you only have 10 to live," said the doctor. "10 what, days, weeks, months?" "Nine" |
| What would happen if Hungary invaded and conquered Turkey? A new kingdom would be formed known as full. |
| I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!! ?Wow, your dad?s a millionaire?? ?No, but he always wanted to be.? |
| two mice chewing on a filmrole..one of them goes.." i think the book was better".. two mice chewing on a filmrole..one of them goes.." i think the book was better".. |
| Beyonce has more black people inside her than. Donald trumps cabinet. |
| they say we learn from our mistakes thats why i am making as many as possible soon i will be a genius.. they say we learn from our mistakes thats why i am making as many as possible soon i will be a genius.. |
| What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing |
| I wanted to start a business selling premium dildos, but I think I can't compete with Apple selling overpriced stuff for assholes. |
| Yo momma so stupid... ... She didn't realize this was a repost! |
| Wanna hear a joke about sodium? Na |
| Wife : I'm leaving you! Wife : I'm leaving you Me : Why?! Wife : You lie to me constantly! Me : Ha! You don't just leave the man who invented the spatula, Amber! |
| What should you do if your xbox 360 gets the red ring of death? Buy a PS3 |
| Why do the T-Rex often have trouble high-fiving? Because they're dead. |
| After my girlfriend got pregnant, After my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed. My address, my job, my phone number... |
| What language does furniture speak? Forniture Polish. |
| Past, Present and Future all walk into the bar at the same time... ... it was **tense** |
| A guy was standing on a roof of a Hotel and threatened to Jump! I Yelled "Do A Flip" I am now Fired from the Suicide Watch... |
| Have you heard about the terrorists from Hoth? They call themselves Ice-IS! |
| bathroom joke How long a minutes is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. |
| Why was the hay upset? Because the straw was about to bale |
| This is the 21st century. Where deleting history is more important than creating history. |
| I asked my dad yesterday if he knew how to ruin a good joke.... He fainted. |
| At work tonight a woman stopped me and asked "Bathroom?" I replied, "No, my name is Chase, but you can piss on my face if you'd like." |
| Never ask the Secretary of State for directions. All he'll tell you to do is trun right and trun left. ( a∞ \ñ a∞) |
| My dad was trembling when I told him my brother and I had gotten jobs as valets. I guess he really didn't like the idea of having parking sons. |
| A Woody Joke What wood happen if you had a Wooden Car With Wooden Seats Wooden Tires And A Wooden Engine? It Wooden't Start |
| A bowlegged doe comes walking out of the woods... And says ?that?s the last time I do that for ten bucks? |
| What do you have when you have two little green balls in the palm of your hand?? Kermit?s undivided attention! |
| What's the diffrence between a hormone and an enzym? I can make an enzym, but I can't make a hormone |
| Not sure who this "OP" person is, but it seems like every guy on reddit has slept with his mom. |
| Did you hear about the man with no arms and no legs? The doctor said he would be arsing around for the rest of his life |
| What is the worst possible slogan for someone running for president in Germany? Make Germany great again |
| "Dad, what made you fall ill in Hawaii?" "Poi, son." |
| Measuring device. The device used to measure people's gullibility is called a Gullibilometer. |
| I spent last night defrosting the fridge Or "foreplay" as she used to call it |
| What do Canadians listen to when they go clubbing? Seal |
| There was a question on my math test that asked whether the slope of a line was positive or negative... I said yes |
| Yo mamas so fat It takes her 2 trips to haul ass! |
| /r/Jokes is like America. Nothing Pro-Trump will get a popular vote. |
| I'm here to kiss ass and chew bubblegum. And I'm all out- wait, shit. |
| What do you experience when you meditate inside a Turkish prison? The deep state. |
| What kind of swimsuit do you wear to the zoo? Zuchini |
| It's so easy to understand people who work at the US mint They make a lot of cents. |
| I felt a little behind in Middle School It was a major bummer when the cops found out :( |
| People say I don't have friends. They're wrong. I have 10 seasons on DVD. |
| What does a car do when a ram is running towards it? Dodge. |
| Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger kill insects? Because he's an ex-terminator |
| My friend just said this... "I know I've reached my ultimate form when all I do is hit dabs in my bathroom and watch Naruto." |
| Mooncakes put the fat Into gong hei fat choy |
| Back in 2013, BeyoncÈ did an amazing 'Lights Out' performance. So did the stadium. |
| Why is breakfast a prisoners favorite meal? Because he is a cereal killer. |
| Everything is so political nowadays I turned on nickelodeon to see Bob the builder building a wall so Dora couldn't explore. |
| "I don't need both, but I want both" That's what he said. |
| What the difference between carbon and my ex? She could form more than 4 bonds at the same time. |
| A female chicken wearing a tie is known to do some weird shit with tentacles. Hentai. |
| People keep telling me I don't have friends. That's not true, I have all 10 seasons on DVD. |
| When Donald Trump has sex, his female partner is always on top. Because he can only fuck up. |
| How did the dwarf reach the cookies on top of the fridge? He Imp-provised. |
| A Buddhist walks into an ice cream shop and says make me one with everything. |
| My dishwasher stopped working today Ironically, my dishwasher got the dishwasher in the divorce |
| I was gonna make an anal joke ..Butt fuck it |
| Muslims say islam is the religion of peace Everyone else says they forgot the S. |
| Utz and Disney are teaming up to make a new snack food. They're called "Dis-Nutz". |
| A police officer called his station back on Radio. He was at a murder scene where an old woman shot her husband for stepping on just mopped floor. Dispatch: So was an Arrest made ? Officer: Not yet. Dispatch: ? Officer: The floor is still wet. |
| What time does Sean Connery like to play racquet sports? Ten-ish |
| She's a beautiful girl, inside and out... I know, because I've been inside her |
| What's the most popular kind of music in the Czech Republic? Prague Rock |
| A deaf man to a man on street : are you deaf? Man on the street : no, I'm deaf! First man: oh! I thought you are deaf. |
| This Native American guy claimed I was insensitive to his culture, saying I've never walked a mile in their shoes. I asked What are you going to do? Sioux me? |
| Caught My wife walked in on me having sex with our daughter. I don't know what she was more upset about. The fact that I was having sex with our daughter or that the abortion clinic let me keep her... |
| What's Trump's favorite molecular bond? Van der Waals |
| Friend told me that I was already the Michael Jordan of my sport I play baseball. |
| Chuck Norris walks into a bar Edit: a bar walks into Chuck Norris |
| Why don't blondes get sick very often? Viruses and bacteria also have their pride! |
| Where does The Fonz like to eat? Chic-Fil-Ayyy! |
| I went to a Charlie Chaplin look alike contest, the guy who won was some German chap, the judges gave him perfect neins |
| Q: What's the funniest thing to ever come out of Sarah Silverman's mouth? **A:** Jimmy Kimmel's dick. |
| Why was the kid swinging? Peer pressure. His friends started to do drugs last month. |
| What do you call a Northern Iraqi with a yeast infection? A cheese Kurd. |
| My wife asked me... "Why do you always rest your hands on top of my head when I go down on you?" I told her- "Because if I didn't, I'd probably end up applauding." |
| I painted my laptop black... I painted my laptop black in the hopes that it would run faster... Now it doesn't work. :( |
| why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he was feeling crumby. jokie |
| What does a pregnancy and alcoholism have in common? They can both be ended with a twelve step program |
| You know what really blew people's minds in the '90s? Kurt Cobain's suicide. Blew his too. |
| My mom found out I am gay and that she doesn't want me going down a dark road So I told her I was going to start dating black guys from now on. (Actual true story) |
| If you're a polyglot, you speak 4+ languages, if you're trilingual you speak three languages, and if you're bilingual you speak two languages. What are you if you speak one language? American |
| Trump is eco-friendly He'll build his wall out of the (99%) recycled material on /r/Jokes |
| What do you call someone who has had no friends for 5 years? A Sandy Hook survivor. |
| Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer one turns to the other and says "does this person taste funny to you?", the other responds "I though this was pork!" |
| Why are married women heavier than single women? A wedding ring has mass. |
| Have you read the book "The Yellow River"? It's the greatest. |
| Why can't Jesus play rugby? He won't support the hooker |
| Have you ever wondered why they have a women's studies major in colleges but no men's studies major? Well actually they do, it's called World History. |
| 3 logicians walk into a bar the bartender asks "is everyone having a beer?" the first logician says "I dont know" the second logician says "I dont know" the third logician says "yes" |
| Trump passes a travel ban for all his supporters. They are not allowed to leave the county. |
| What event will Mexico win in the next summer Olympics? Hurdles, high jump and pole vault. |
| Asked my dad what LGBT stands for He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously I had to reply with "Garnish". [True story. My dad is not an idiot either, totally normal human.] |
| Why do people dress up for their flights? Ain't no one got time to dress you before your burial if the plane is falling. **If hell exists, I just bought 1st front row business class ticket there** |
| Rockets? Maybe. But the Chinese haven't contributed to aviation. After all, two Wongs don't make a Wright. |
| If Al Gore had his own drumming software company he should name it... AlGoreRythyms |
| When I go out with a girl I always look in her eyes If she is not blind, I already know that I have no chance with her. |
| Did you hear about the robbery at the bakery? The guy ab*scone*ded after the crime. I'll see myself out... |
| Scientists have discovered a new gay dinasaour... The Megasoreass |
| My friend was reading an anti-gravity book... He couldn't put it down. |
| Why does Jeffrey Dahmer have a blender on his front porch? So when he gets visitors, he can greet them with a hand shake! |
| I watched a porno movie last night... It was pretty good but the plot had a lot of holes. |
| I hit the gym today. Broke my hand on the entrance doors. |
| What is a mountain sized bird made of? Well, part cliff, partridge. |
| You can predict the punchline If you're a fortune teller... |
| TIFU by gatecrashing an amputee conference... It was just a bit of 'armless fun. |
| I?ve never been married, but I can imagine how it feels... I once had a stone stuck in my shoe for 10 hours. |
| Dunno why people like to associate Comcast with the Nazis It's not like they're the fascist out there. |
| You remind me of a door Because you're a-door-able :} |
| I tried coming up with a joke about mean people. But they were all just average |
| Enough about my weight!!! ?I?ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I?m leaving you!? ?But honey, what about our child?? ?What child?!? ?Oh, so you?re not pregnant?? |
| Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns? Son: Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns? Mother: Because there?s a wedding going on. Son: But isn?t the horn a warning signal, Mommy? Mother: Exactly, son. |
| I call my ex-girlfriend Titanic Jack Because she's as cold as ice |
| what did the pencil sharpener say to the broken pencil.. that he should stop acting so littlepointed.. |
| Yo Mama's like Wal-Mart. Errybody's been to her grand opening! |
| I never understood why everyone hates mean people. I just think their average. |
| What do you call it when you commit suicide on Hanukkah A Jewicide |
| An old woman lies dead on the side of the road... and she has semen in her eyes. The policeman looked at her and said 'Looks like she saw her killer coming.' (Not sure if this one was posted before, I saw it on another site and couldn't see it here) |
| ballons ballons are like souls,they wanna go up but they can't and when you pop them,they scream...sorry |
| Did you know that if you spell... Window backwards is window. It's not, but for a second you believed me. |
| I once tried greeting everyone I met by saying "titanic"... Turns out it wasn't a very good ice breaker |
| Rape is not funny Unless you are raping a clown |
| My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code. To me, "life" just became a series of dots and dashes. |
| What did the Jamaican say after winning the barefoot marathon? "Da trill of victory always betta dan de agony of de feet!" |
| It's not that hard to tell an alligator and a crocodile apart.. One will see you later and the other will see you in a while |
| Fire is hot And ISIS cold |
| What do you eat when you go hiking? Trail mix |
| What does an Arab guy say when he's happy? - Yemen! What does an Arab guy say when something upsets him? - Oman... |
| I remember tears in my eyes when dad chopped onions. Onions was a great dog. |
| Someone asked me to validate their parking So I said, "You did a very good job. I am very proud of you." ^^I'm ^^sorry. ^^I ^^actually ^^said ^^that ^^to ^^someone ^^at ^^work ^^today. |
| Today I went to my meeting of the Premature Ejaculation group Turns out it is tomorrow. |
| What do you call a bird that punches people? Steven Seagull |
| I went to an international "Flat Earther" convention the other day Turns out they have members all around the world |
| My friend Gary doesn't know why Richard isn't interested in his donkey... He really wants to get Dick into his ass. |
| What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles |
| Why are people so outraged and grossed out by incest? I think they should get some perspective. There are much worse things happening in the world and, really, it's all relative. |
| What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll. |
| A bartender walks into a stable The horse says "Why the wrong place?" |
| My wife asked me, "Why don't you ever come to yoga class with me??"... "That's kind of a stretch for me" |
| I understand why bakers are addicted to baking bread. Sometimes they just knead it. |
| I've got Yellow Fever.. Don't hit on me just because I'm Asian |
| My wife bought a new dress and asked me if it made her look fat I said, "Of course not, honey. It's not the dress. It's your lack of discipline and self-control." |
| I accidentally ate some food coloring the other day... The doctor said that I'm fine, but I still feel like a little bit of me dyed that day. |
| Do you know what my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket? How far do you think I can kick this bucket? |
| TIL how not to install a fence Ooops... wrong place for this post |
| What is a feminists favorite operating system? eunuch |
| How do you get payed for doing nothing all day? Become an FBI agent! |
| I wouldn't piss on Donald Trump if he were on fire. But for $100,000 a few Russian hookers will. |
| What is the difference between a refrigerator and a child? It isn't a crime to stick your meat in a refrigerator. |
| Why doesn't Trump have a pet dog at the White House? He only pets pussy. |
| My wife is like the biggest fish I ever caught. Just keeps getting bigger and bigger. |
| My son asked me if I like his hand after he taped a bunch of coins to it I said I like the change. |
| How do you make one million dollars in a month? Start with five million and become a day trader. |
| How are cars, computer parts, and animals similar? Dodge Ram, RAM, and the ram. |
| I Added Paul Walker on Xbox Live We never really get around to playing games though, he's always just stuck on the dashboard. |
| I stopped a rape from happening today! All I had to do was stop chasing her. |
| Lost 130lbs & gained a new life. Soon I'll be rolling in pussy! Girlfriend is gone now, but she left her pregnant cat behind on the bed. |
| I heard Audi botched their new commercial I guess they can say Audi-ous to their customers. |
| Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people. Kinda like yo momma. |
| What was Donald Trumps first comment after moving into the Oval Office? "Hey fellas, it's so nice of you to leave some condoms for me in the desk drawer, but their diameter is about 3X too large!" |
| What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles in your pants. |
| Life as a redditor I saw a pretty girl. Finally I plucked up the courage, and asked for her number. She said "got a pen?" I said yes. She said "well get back in it you fat fucking pig". |
| What is red and smells like blue paint Red paint |
| Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey... "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "No I didn't, I said she was fucking Goofy." |
| I don't get why everyone is so worried about Trump. He hasn't even been in office for a month. I'm sure once he has some time to learn and get things done, America will turn out all white. |
| Just heard Michael Vick retired... Doesn't surprise me. He was an old dog anyways. |
| An antidepressant a day Keeps me from blowing my head away |
| I keep telling my female friend that my dick is great... She just needs to be in a position to appreciate it |
| Why is Charles Umar Terrence-Elliott Able to get so many dates? People always think he's cute, initially. |
| [nsfw] What did Trump feel when he heard about the civilian casualties in Yemen? Beluga caviar popping against the roof of his mouth. |
| Whats something that's hard and long and full of seamen? A submarine of course! |
| Are people with aspergers really not able to detect sarcasm? Sorry to break it to you, but I think you have aspergers. |
| "Dad, I'm a lesbian" "That's okay", says her dad "We still have your sister." "Sorry dad", says his second daughter "I'm lesbian, too" Their father sighs: "So nobody here digs men?" "I still do!" calls his son. |
| What did Shakespeare say on the last day if his summer vacation? Once more unto the beach |
| Just heard there's a cure for dyslexia It was like music to my arse |
| Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a few seconds one whispers to the other That?s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site. |
| There's something sinister about the woman who stands next to me at the male sex doll factory She gives me the willies |
| The MOMA announced that they were opening a new section in the museum for art from Madrid. Nobody expected the Spanish exhibition. |
| What do you call a guy with no limbs in a pile of leaves? Russell |
| A New Patent A company has just requested a patent for a laser that prohibits name brand sunglasses: A Ray-Ban ban ray, if you will. |
| I was so poor growing up If I didn't wake up with an erection I had nothing to play with |
| Two silk worms Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. |
| If I had a dollar every time a baby boomer insulted me... I could afford a house in the economy they ruined |
| Alaskan Eye Doctor I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island... but it turned out to be an optical aleutian. |
| Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a younger looking girl "Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing bangin' that chick. She looks like she's in highschool" Sherlock replied, "Elementary, my dear Watson" |
| Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his front porch? To greet people with a handshake. |
| Three blondes were driving to Disneyland... Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. When they were close to the destination they saw a sign: ?Disneyland Left?. They stopped, started to cry and finally turned around and drove back home. |
| What camps are designed for people with ADHD? Concentration camps. |
| I once dated a girl named Plosion but then we broke up I guess you could say she is an exPlosion |
| Two bears are eating a cannibal. Two bears are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and asks: "Since we are eating a cannibal, are we eating more than one person?" The Other responds: "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING BEAR!" |
| Democratic Party [removed] |
| Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? a sheep can hear a zipper from 100 meters away |
| Why can't milk cartons wear flip flops? Because they lactose |
| What's brown, lonely and sits on a piano bench? Beethoven's last movement. |
| What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh |
| What's the difference between calling out to your hispanic friend vs calling out to your Ex? You shout "Jorge!" when calling to your friend. You shout "Hey Whore!" when calling to your ex. |
| What do you call a black man whos an astronaut? An astronaut, you fucking racist... |
| All sex offenders follow the golden rule... You touch you take. |
| There's 4 things I hate in this world. Racism, niggers, and people who can't count. |
| They say that if you are good and righteous you will ascend into heaven... Otherwise you will split apart into small groups. |
| Adolf Hitler has never touched Call of Duty... ...and yet, he still has a better KDR than me. |
| Where do you find firehoes? In the alley behind the firehouse. |
| I hate when people ask me if I'm hard at work... Every time I am, I get written up by the HR lady. |
| What do you get when you cross semen and cum? SPum |
| I'm not really a religious person, but I do like to keep my weed in a hollowed-out Bible... I guess you could call me an eighth-theist. |
| Why is it so hard to find a priest in Amsterdam? They're all high priests. |
| Someone made Bob Ross mad *artistic screeching* |
| I got fired for sticking my penis in the meat grinder... that punishment was nothing compared to the one I got when I told my wife that the meat grinder's name is Jenny. |
| I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea He said he cant complain. |
| How do you make a black person nervous? Take him with you to an auction. A joke a classmate told me. Simon, if you read this: enough credits? :P |
| What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey! |
| What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese |
| Im graduating for my biology study in a few weeks.. Im writing a killer fotosynthesis |
| Scientists have discovered a rare mutation that causes autosomal dominant inheritance of violent diarrhea In hindsight we should've known something like that would run in the genes. |
| I had to perform surgery on a lamb's brain yesterday. Just call me a gyro surgeon. |
| What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeÒo business |
| Why did the pianist go to jail? Because he would only play with A Minor |
| One shudders to think how much worse the Bowling Green Massacre would have been... ... If it weren't for the heroic intervention by Frederick Douglass. |
| "Aren't you really busy tomorrow?" "Woah buddy don't assume my agenda" |
| Why did Donald Trump fail his college math class? He was uncomfortable with the concept of integration. |
| What time do you go to the dentist? Tooth hurty |
| How do you make a pound of fat look sexy? Put a nipple on it. |
| If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive They would eventually find me attractive. |
| When my grandma died, I got her most prized vagina fart in a bottle. She bequeefed it to me. |
| Why are hippy drum circles like high frequency radiation? They both cause the formation of free radicals. |
| What is a pirates favorite toy? Aaaarrhh Sea Boats! |
| So a guy asked me if I ever dropped my phone in a beer before... I said "yeah, once in a Blue Moon". |
| What is the sexual orientation of a bodybuilder? Bicepsual |
| I want to get back into my house but I can't, There's a door in the way |
| My girlfriend broke up with me for listening to Linkin Park But in the end it doesn't even matter. |
| What do you call a schizophrenic fruit? Pearanoid. |
| A girl goes to the doctor... Putting his stethoscope to the young woman's chest, the doctor said, "Big breaths, dear." She smiled. "Yup. And I'm not even thixteen yet!" |
| I won't be getting another iphone because of the horrible shellback. *spellcheck! Not shellback! Ducking phone... |
| Why would Groot make a terrible spy? Because he's an obvious plant. |
| Trump's Inauguration Speech Was Uploaded onto Pornhub "Rich White Man Fucks Entire Country" |
| A few weeks in they're already talking about impeachment... What an un-presidented turn of events. |
| A man brings his cat.... A man brings his cat to a veterinarian. He lives the cat there and returns in two days, as preagreed. He asks the veterinarian: Is my cat still alive? Still not... |
| What is the worst part about time travelling jokes? Yours considered a Repost when they take it and go back and use it before you. |
| They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away... But my aim is terrible so... |
| Wanna hear a racist joke? Nevermind. None of the white people would understand it. |
| I like my women how I like my pickles. Sweet and petite ( a∞ \ñ a∞) |
| A Donkey Fell Into A Bowl Of Sugar What a sweet ass |
| If your mommy ... would sit between America and Mexico Trump doesnt need to build a wall. |
| One day, Pavlov is drinking in a bar. Then a man enters the bar and rings the bell on top of the door. Pavlov says "Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog" |
| What do you call a gay version of Donald Trump? Flaming Hot Cheeto! |
| Why was Biggie mad at 2Pac? It all started when 2pac innocently said, "Yeah, sure, it's cool, invite all the rappers to my party, no biggie." |
| People all over the country are dropping dead due to high blood sugar... I guess they're suffering from a serious case of Die-betes |
| Hungry Clock When a clock eats, does it go back four seconds? |
| I have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. In my case, it is a sexually transmitted disease. |
| I saw thor reading a thor comic... to be honest, I think it might be a metathor. |
| What are the worst kind of jokes? Unfunny jokes |
| A Knock Knock Joke *Knock knock* Who's there? Erma. Erma who? Ermagerd, stop with all that knocking!!! .... so I was very tired. At least my fiancÈ laughed. |
| Why are Jews so good at racing? Because they used to step on the gas. |
| You know what's really odd? Numbers not divisible by two. |
| I love hockey. It's really an ice game. |
| Where did the geologist husband and mineralogist wife buy their first home? In agated community. |
| Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer One turns to the other and asks, "does this taste funny to you?" The other responds, "no." |
| My refuel warning is always on, even after I've just filled up! I think I'm being gaslighted. |
| Why did the rooster cross the road His wife left him |
| People say that Steve Jobs died to soon. But I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company?s attitude to battery life |
| What is the most valuable kind of sheep? A ewe. |
| Why was the sun annoyed to be called a she? Cause it's a non-binary star |
| When you say the word poop, your mouth does the same motion as your butt hole. Same can be said for the phrase "explosive diarrhea". |
| What's the worst type of suicide ? The failed one. |
| In Soviet Russia, Muslims ban America!! |
| -when I donate blood I don't have to do it my self, the nurse does it.. -yes but this is a sperm bank and it's different -awful service |
| What's better than 69? 77 because you get ate more. -Redd Foxx |
| What did the snail say when it rode a turtle? "WEEEEEEEEEEEE" |
| What do plants use to fill holes in walls, Chloroplast-er |
| Who wins an argument? The side with the most points. |
| What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? The drummer. |
| Hitler seems to get a lot of hate these days, but to the man's credit.. he *did* kill Hitler. |
| What do women who just got dumped and advanced programmers have in common? They both want closure! |
| If Melania divorces Donald Trump Then an immigrant will get half of the US in the divorce settlement :) |
| I'm never sure if it's a Dad joke Are those the ones that hit you later when you're doing something else? Or the ones you don't get till the weekend? :( |
| What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a folk guitarist? A rock guitarist can play all night without tuning and folk guitarist can tune all night without playing. |
| I'm worried about my friend. He was bragging about getting a handjob from his teacher. I said, "That's disgusting, you're homeschooled." |
| I gave a girl my phone number and told her to text me when she got home. I guess shes homeless. |
| Invisible... A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible." The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him." |
| Two kids were talking... Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night! Kid 1: Lies! Kid 2: Ask your sister. Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister! Kid 2: You will in about nine months! Edit: Thanks for the support guys! |
| Whatever you do always give 100 %. Unless you are donating blood. |
| What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe? Mi to sis |
| When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck... Damn dial-up! |
| Told my wife I was going to give her something for Valentines I've never given her before She said "An orgasm?" |
| What did the DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat? |
| "May I sleep with your sister?" is such an awkward question to ask. I have no idea how my dad is going to respond. |
| How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs? He will build alternative fact-tories |
| Why do women wear make-up and perfume? Because they're ugly...and they smell bad. |
| My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself. |
| Why did Uber CEO Travis Kalanick quit the Trump advisory council? He couldn't get a ride... |
| Knock, knock. -Who's there? -The doctor! -Doctor who? -Yes, that's me! |
| I read an article that said it's good for your eyesight to look at something distant occasionally during computer use. So I put a picture of my dad next to the monitor. |
| What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they're both stuck up cunts. |
| A feminist asked me how I view lesbians... ... apparently in HD wasn't the correct answer. |
| Had a great time protesting at UC Berkeley! It was a riot! |
| Why are married women heavier than single women? When single women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in the fridge, and head for bed. When married women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in bed, and head for the fridge. |
| Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults. Every kid gets atrophy. |
| Tried going to the obesity clinic before work today. But the queue was enormous. |
| When I first met my son I thought he was a whiny little baby. But he grew on me. |
| The husband asks the wife... The husband asks the wife: -Babe which do you like the best, strawberry or banana? The wife asks him: -Why are you at the Supermarket? The husband replys: No I'm at the pharmacy... |
| So I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the women officer she looked stunning.. Then I fucked up by telling her "and that's not even the drinks talking". |
| Oh Darling... Oh darling, since you?ve started dieting, you?ve become such a passionate kisser& What do you mean, passionate? I?m looking for food remains! |
| I just ended a 5 year relationship today. It's okay. It wasn't my relationship. |
| My roommate was a monster He said he hated me with every inch of his soul. He would take ants and put them on my face and clothes. I did nothing whatsoever at him. I've since left that room, but I wished he didn't antagonize me that much. |
| I couldn't be happier! For the first time in my life a girl told me she loves me. Aren't moms great? |
| Why are malay people so thin? Because they muslim. |
| What turns a fruit into a vegetable? Aids. |
| What's "meme" in French? Moimoi. |
| I need help I have a problem of creating topics just for the sake of delivering some lame ass punchline or a pun even if the topic itself is moot, and I need professional help with that. It just happens like one-two and that's that. |
| It confuses me why people feel comfortable with government surveillance as ?they have nothing to hide, so nothing to fear?.... &.but get really scared when I ask them to take their clothes off. |
| I'm so embarrassed, I got caught getting a blow job by my mum last week.. The worst thing is it was my dad who caught us |
| Paddy and Mick walk past a police station.... Paddy and Mick walk past a police station, with a sign up saying "Two Brazilian men wanted for rape". Paddy turns to Mick and says "Ah Jaysus, dem fuckers always get the best jobs." |
| I like my women like I like my coffee... Hot and all over my lap while I'm driving. |
| Aladdin sings to Jasmine "I can show you the woorld.. Except the United States" |
| What's a young dog's favourite type of pizza? pupperoni |
| I like my jokes how I like my laundry Dry. |
| Vegetable rationing Some supermarkets are rationing lettuce, I think this is just the tip of the iceberg... |
| After many years of philosophizing, I have decided to affirm the principle of non-contradiction... ...And deny it. |
| How is the bar at the ghost wedding set up? Boo's on the left, Spirit's on the right |
| What does Scrabble and a circle jerk have in common? It's a great way for a family to come together. |
| My friend just got an Amazon Echo. I said, "Alexa, hi, how are y--" She said, "I have a boyfriend." |
| wanna read a dirty joke... ;) a white horse ran through a muddy puddle |
| Turns out I'm allergic to alcohol ...It's the damnedest thing. After 12 or 13 beers, I throw up! |
| What currency do they use in outer space? Starbucks. |
| Ghost walks into a bar Bartender says sorry we don't serve spirits here. |
| Preston: Knock Knock! Mom: Who's There Preston: Preston. Mom: Preston who? Preston let out a disheartening sigh as he walked away from the door, knowing his mother's Alzheimer's was getting worse. |
| I can say I'm one of those prodigy geniuses who just don't have any enthusiasm. All I need now is to be a genius. |
| Not quite what she was expecting... Guy: I work with animals every day! Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own- Guy: I'm a butcher. |
| What Do You Call a Twitchy Boat at the Bottom of the Sea? A nervous wreck. |
| What's the difference between the show Jackass and CNN news? Suits |
| Recently I visited my daughter. When I asked her newspaper, she said: Dad, this is the 21st century, take my IPad. What can I say ... this fly did not know what killed her. |
| A joke for Donald Trump - what do you get when you cross Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles? Killed in a tunnel |
| Why do tampons have strings attached to them? So the crabs can go bungee jumping. |
| What do you call the winner of the beauty pageant for teenagers who've had an abortion? Little miss conception |
| What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his exams? "Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything!" |
| I know of a guy who fucked millions of people at a time It was a whole nation he did this to. His name is Donald Trump. |
| I learned out that my wife loves cocktails I told her that it's growing your pubes in one direction and no one does that |
| What's the difference..... Between and suicide vest and a modern feminist? At least the vest achieves something when it's triggered. |
| What's the first amendment in Super Mario's constitution? Freedom of Peach |
| Groundhog Day is a classic. It sure has great replay value. |
| A man walks in to a hospital And says to the doctor "I have five penises". The doctor asked him how his pants fitted. "Like a glove" he replied. |
| I may look like a joke to you.... ...but I'm completely dad inside |
| If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love? The swallow |
| I don't see anything wrong with the KKK It's just the precursor to 4K TV |
| Why did the cartographer get kicked out of map making club He had a bad latitude |
| My friend liked puns too much. We called him a Pundit. |
| So a Nazi officer just lost his eyesight. I guess he can Nazi anymore. |
| I apologize for all those things I said and did... I was on a lot of drugs back then. Doctor siad it wasn't enough, so he gave me more drugs. Now I'm better. |
| What do you call a snowman who trades sex for money? A Frostitute. |
| I was afraid that I had stepped on my child's hamster this morning... ... but laughed when I double checked. I had just tripped on a little puddle of blood and fur. |
| Evolutionists found the first humans were a Jewish male, a Georgian male and a Russian female... Their names were Arron Gutan, Chimpanidze and Gavrila... |
| How does Hitler sneeze? **a-jew* * |
| What's the difference between an underpowered motorbike and an overused vagina? One's a laggy scooter, and the other's a slaggy cooter! |
| How does Perry the pea pod greet his mate Kevin the corn kernel? Morn'in cob. |
| I don't understand why they say ignorance is bliss Trump supporters always seem so unhappy and angry |
| What's a carrot's favorite type of dancing? Tap root dancing. |
| What is a 14 year old with two broken arms favorite piece of clothing? Oedipal underwear |
| What's the best part about dating a homeless man? You can drop him off anywhere |
| Being buried... Friend 1: What scares you the most? Friend 2: Being buried... Friend 1: Why? Friend 2: I don't want to talk about it, the thought of it scares me to death. |
| What's the favorite sex position of Git users? Revert cowgirl. |
| What's the best thing about an Oprah Winfrey joke? You get the joke! You get the joke! You all get the joke! |
| The bartender says, ?We don?t serve time travelers in here.? A time traveler walks into a bar... |
| What do you call a gay black man? A homiesexual. |
| So I replaced all of the incense in the Friar's chamber with Marijuana He's a High priest now |
| Why was the blind Mexican only saying "no"? Because he couldn't Si |
| My Asian friend got his Jewish wife pregnant. I guess "Cha Ching" wasn't an appropriate name suggestion |
| A couple were at a divorce court just a month after getting married The judge asked the wife " Why you want divorce so soon?" Wife: " He has a problem with premature ejaculation." Husband " I'm totally fine with that, its she who finds it a problem" |
| Trump never eats russian salad... He knows what Vladmir Putin it. |
| I had a company that sold miniature bibles that would fit in your wallet, but if failed. The margins were too small. |
| What do you call a Mormon at a rave? An LDS on LSD |
| Why did the mermaid wear seashells? Because the B shells were too small and the D shells were too big. |
| Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything. |
| Why do all gay men sound the same? Because they are Homonyms |
| Giving birth isn't as painful as being kicked in the nuts I've never heard a man say 'let's do that again' afterwards |
| A new exchange student from Spain came into our class. We made fun of his accent at first, but it quickly became clear he was incredibly intelligent. Everyone was surprised. No one expected the Spanish erudition. |
| Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it. Because elephants never forget. |
| Why aren't Alpacas good in the porn idustry? Because spitters are quitters |
| Just left an interview and they told me there'd be a drug test. I'm not worried, though. I know a lot about drugs, so it should be a pretty easy test. |
| KGB Agents Two KGB Agents talk: - What happened to him? - He ate bad mushrooms - Why are there beating marks on the body? - He didn't want to eat them |
| What did the stoner name his daughter? Mary Joanna |
| A Crayola truck just got robbed for profit We're currently searching for the purple traders |
| The U.S., the U.K, Germany and France all start a new game of Dungeons and Dragons in 2017. What's the first action the U.S. makes? A Constitution saving throw. |
| I didn't know whether to use ser or estar.... I didn't expect the Spanish indecision |
| #NotMyGroundhog Cold weather triggers me |
| What do you call a loud, mentally disabled dog? A sub-ruffer. |
| Did you hear about the woman who backed into an airplane? Disaster. |
| What do you get when you mix sodium hydroxide with hydrochloric acid? Water, and /r/leagueoflegends |
| When a girl sleeps around, she gets called easy... But when **I** do it, all I get is crabs. |
| Trump has been looking smaller and smaller lately. He's on the low-fact diet. |
| Have you heard the joke about the man with a micropenis? He had a micropenis. That's the joke. Short, isn't it? |
| A lesbian goes to the gynaecologist... He shines his pen torch and has a decent look "Crikey, it's extremely clean in here, Mrs", she smiles and replies "It bloody well should be. I get a woman in three times a week" |
| I went to see Don Quixote at the theater yesterday and there was a short break in the middle of the play. We didn't know it would happen, no one expected the Spanish intermission. |
| How to make scrambled eggs Step 1: Find omelette recipe Step 2: Follow omelette recipe until folding step Step 3: Try to fold the omelette in the pan Step 4: Fuck it up because how the fuck do you even do that Step 5: Enjoy scrambled eggs |
| I knew an Indian who drank so much tea that he died in his tea pee |
| Wow, Donald Trump is President. I haven't seen Democrats this mad since.... ...slavery was outlawed and the desegregation of public schools! |
| I'm not addicted to cocaine I just like the way it smells. |
| What's the difference between a rock musician and a jazz musician? A rock musician plays 3 chords for 20,000 people, and a jazz musician plays 20,000 chords for 3 people |
| What's green and fuzzy and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you? A pool table. |
| What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels is still killing Indians. |
| Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? So she can moan with the other! |
| Why do Jewish people have circumcised penises? Because they're 20% off |
| What do you call a Muslim walrus? A halalrus |
| (read in vampire voice) Do you know what is ironic about a vampire penis? You, suck it. |
| What's the best way to run Meincraft on a Windows computer? By using DOS-Fuhrer |
| A bartender says "Hey! We don't serve faster-than-light particles here!" A tachyon flies into a bar. |
| How do farmers get the party started? They turnip the beets. |
| What do you call a piece of corn all by itself? A Unicorn. |
| Puxatony Phil has seen his shadow... burned permanetly into a stone wall. He's predicted a nuclear winter. |
| What did Neil Gorsuch say when asked why he ruled against Roe v Wade? Not my precedent |
| I hate grammar Nazis But I love the alt-write. I'll be here until I start yesterday's hw |
| Saw a midget carrying a television the other day I asked him if he need any help carrying the television. He told me to fuck off and said its an ipad. |
| I really don't like punchlines They hurt. |
| What do you call a female to male surgery? addadicktome |
| It's rude to call someone a fob You just assumed they understand English |
| How do jews celebrate Christmas? By installing a parking meter on the roof. |
| What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? A condescending con descending |
| I got fired from my job at Whole Foods They caught me selling half foods!!! |
| Squaring numbers is just like girls If they're under 13, just do them in your head |
| How many vampires does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It depends if you Count Dracula. |
| What is the worst part of having sex with a 4 year old? Getting the blood out of the clown costume can be such a bitch |
| My girlfriend and I were about to go for a late night walk. Her dad said, "Don't forget to wrap up." I said, "Don't be silly, she's on the pill." |
| Do you want to satisfy your hardcore food fetish? Buy my new book: 50 Shades of Grey Poupon |
| Why can't Americans watch Lord of the Rings? They don't have the Two Towers. |
| TIL Donald Trump played Football when he was in college. He played de fence. |
| What's a Viking leaders pleasure? Leif Blower |
| I once bought condoms the day before a girl I was dating broke up with me. I suffer from premature emasculation. |
| Today is a ballerinas favorite day... Its 2-2 |
| I never knew my ex wanted me back so much. In fact, today he called me "white trash" because he just had to take me out. |
| What's the same about the force and herpes? They will be with you, always. |
| If sneezing means someone's thinking about you... I guess that explains why I never got sick before |
| Whats clean and dirty at the same time? A single guy just out of the shower. |
| Why do magicians never perform tricks behind windows? Because they are a pane to do tricks behind. |
| What do you call a singing computer? A-Dell |
| Why are there so many bakeries in the Deep South ? Because all the people down there are inbred |
| MOMMY MOMMY, I DONT WANT TO VISIT GRAMPA! Shut up and keep digging... |
| You know who's a real lady killer? David Berkowitz (aka Son of Sam) |
| What does a dog get after going to college? A pedigree. |
| Tourettes I took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesnt have it, I actually am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off. |
| Viagra Viagra should be classified as a hard drug. |
| What is the Latin word for Hipster? *Pretentious Pretentious* |
| What kind of tea is sometimes hard to swallow ? Reality . |
| My mother keeps asking me when I am going to get married And my answer is always the same, "I'm sorry, mom, but I'm afraid you will not live until that moment. You have cancer." |
| What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard. |
| Why did the blonde get into a car accident? She thought "dodge" and "ram" were instructions |
| Liberals declared leukemia to be racist There's too many white cells. |
| We were having a family dinner when my grandma started telling one of her old holocaust survival stories I said, "Stop it, grandma, this is not germane right now." |
| What was one of Gregory Mendel's conclusions Death. |
| What do you call a con artist with a degree in psycology? Sigmund Fraud. |
| "Girl, are you a popular work of fiction?" "Because I want to self-insert myself into you." |
| My girlfriend is quite selfish in the bedroom I gave her an orgasm last night and she spat it back in my face |
| They had to stop the leprosy hockey game Due to a face-off in the corner. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your waitress |
| My waifu is the square root of -100 She's a perfect 10, but imaginary. |
| I just turned on nickelodeon and saw bob the builder building a wall... ... to keep Dora from exploring. |
| "What line should we wait in for food?" "Pho queue" |
| I don't date coworkers... Not for lack of trying...it just hasn't worked out so far. |
| There's a strange movie called "Being Vladimir Putin." It's about a Russian dictator who discovers a secret door in the Kremlin that magically leads up the asshole of Donald Trump. |
| Why didn't the Tibetan girl trust her boyfriend? Himalayan |
| What's the last thing you want to hear when you're blowing Willie Nelson? "So...I'm not actually Willie Nelson." |
| There are 10 types of people Those who recycle binary jokes, and those who recycle other jokes. |
| Abortion jokes are really shallow... They always fail to deliver. |
| A dyslexic person... Walks into a bra |
| "How did Trump become president?!?!" Asks the country getting its weather forecast from a groundhog. |
| Iran bans Americans from traveling there. Won't beheading there anymore |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_6.txt |
|---|
| @@ -0,0 +1,688 @@ |
|---|
| Elephants weigh more than rats. weigh more. |
| I had bad breath this morning So I exSpeaminted with Wrigleys gum. |
| If Trump says, "Fuck You" to you, don't be angry... because rather being angry, you need to be worried. He is a man of his words, so run and hide if you can. |
| What is the most literary vegetable? A punion |
| I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away |
| Why is the nose in the middle of the face? Its the scenter. |
| Why are black people so good at basketball? because it's all about running, shooting, and stealing. |
| Why are Samurai so easy to kill? There are only chinks in the armor |
| What is the Mexicans favourite game? Borderlands |
| America in the 1930s be like: I have crippling depression. |
| How do you call a Fay in black robes? It is a Faygoth |
| What is E.T. short for? He has really small legs |
| I'm so horny. I need to go home and pound my wife ...in the head with a skillet, so she can't hear me and the girl I brought home having sex. |
| How much does high speed internet cost in Australia? NINE-HUNDRED DOLLARYDOOS |
| Why do marxists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft. |
| What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line |
| "Hi there, I'm here for Club Paradox" Actually this is Oxymoron Club. "Ok, same difference." looks at group Oh, this guy is good. |
| Why did the black guy have cocaine sprinkled on him? The cops were out of bullets. |
| I was changing the 15 fuses at the Buzzfeed HQ building Number 5 shocked me. |
| So the British government have just produced a white paper detailing their plan of leaving the EU Well, they weren't about to use black or brown paper now were they? |
| What do you call a Cuban that immagrated to Spain? Spain-ish |
| Me and my dad have been butting heads... ... since before I was born |
| Have you heard about the vampire turned poet? He went from _bat_ ... to __verse__! |
| What do you call a female magician? An assistant. |
| I saw a black man... I saw a black man in Nikes running down the street carrying a 55" TV and I thought to myself, "Is that mine?" Then I remembered that mine wears Reebok. |
| My penis was in the Guinness book of world records... Until the librarian screamed at me to take it out. |
| Muslims in America [removed] |
| What do you call a group of French rabbits running backwards? A retreating hare line. |
| Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? 18+ Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there. |
| Why are feminists so good at math? Theyre skilled at triggernometry. |
| Police arrested two kids yesterday One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. |
| I'm like a bull in a China Shop... If "China Shop" is what you call your mom. [OC] |
| What is the worst part about time travelling jokes? Punchline? Never heard of him. |
| When someone asks why you don't have muscles "My muscles are just like John Cena. You can't see me" |
| Didn't know groundhogs are part Didn't know groundhogs are part of the Stark family . They always think Winter is coming. |
| My dog has been acting up lately... I think it's fed up with it's gender. |
| How many Presidents does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. He's too busy screwing his daughter in the oval office. |
| It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs... Because they always take things literally. |
| So I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta last night... Now it's a Ford Focus. |
| The NATO battleplan began to fall apart just as the battle started. All the nations troops were in the planned positions. However what no one expected was the Spanish in-position. |
| Pornhub now makes you view an ad before you can watch your video. Is this what the world is coming to? |
| Why did the guitar player get arrested? For fingering a minor. |
| Want to hear a joke? So did Helen Keller. |
| Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The cock. |
| Stringed Bikini's Stringed Bikini's are making our beaches see-shores. |
| I asked Yoda for his opinion of the play Les Miserables "Lame is." |
| What do you call a baby horse, wrapped in aluminum, who was stopped from committing his dastardly plan? A Foiled Foil Foal |
| What's the biggest similarity between feminists and linebackers? Everything that happens to them is offensive. |
| I became a proud dad today! My son is actually 4 but he was a boring little cunt for the first 3 years. |
| What is the difference between a sadist and a masochist? One practices the golden rule. |
| TIL short people experience an wage gap comparable to that of blacks They should really rise up against it |
| What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? Your mum can't take a joke. |
| How can you tell if you're best friend is gay? If his dick tastes like shit. |
| A step-by-step guide of how to tell if your girlfriend is cold: 1) She won't stop fucking telling you. |
| Last night, my wife asked me to make her "feel like a woman" I took off my shirt, and told her to iron it. |
| Why couldn't the man remember where he left his glasses? It was all a blur. |
| I'm not anti Semitic I'm anti semantic I can't stand a wordy Jew |
| What's the difference between a good secretary and a great secretary? A good one says, "*Good morning.*" A great one says, "*It's morning.*" |
| There are 10 types of people in the world... .. those who understand binary, and those who get laid. |
| My buddy was watching a video of an NFL player involved in domestic violence. I asked, "What position did he play?" He answered..... Kicker |
| Why do Frenchmen have a hard time counting to four? Because there's a tree in the way. |
| What's the toughest commandment for IV drug users to follow? Don't take God's name in vein. |
| What do Germans call a broken toilet? A scheizer geyzer. |
| 11 a.m. is always such a hard time for me I should probably stop taking Viagara with breakfast. |
| What's a Jewish person's favourite martial arts? Judo |
| What group of limbed people is the worst at karate The deaf |
| A Blonde's Brain Q: What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? A: Pregnant. |
| What do you get if you combine an organ and jam? A hearty breakfast |
| Earbuds so today one of my friend was wearing ear buds and im like: YOU MAY HAVE EAR BUDS, BUT I GOT MY BUDS EAR! and i grabbed my friends ear. |
| A man wearing a turban walks into a doctor's office... and the doctor says "What's wrong with you?", to which the man replies "Doctor, can't you see I'm Sikh?" |
| If you don't want your grades to sink like the titanic..... You should try to keep them above C level |
| I used my Google Rewards on a video of Caitlyn Jenner It was worth the transaction |
| I know an NP-Complete joke but once you've heard one you've heard them all |
| What is America's favorite drink? Liber-Tea |
| Time to train for my favourite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.... |
| Did you guys hear about the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence? It was an "udder" disaster! |
| Some say laughter is the best medicine. I prefer sedatives. |
| I invented a sandal for people with one leg. It was a flop. |
| 2020 Olympic High Jump Results: Gold- Mexico Silver- Mexico Bronze- Mexico |
| What do you call a truthful Native American? Pocahonest. |
| Guess what Chicken butt |
| Whats the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot? Guys will actually look for the golf ball. |
| The only interview you can never fuck up is the exit interview. No HR is going to say "Sorry. You're rejected. You'll have to continue working with us till your last breath." |
| What does the sign on an out of business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed. |
| Had the strangest sexual encounter of my life last night "Had the strangest sexual encounter of my life last night," Bill said to Frank. "A blind call girl" "Really?" said Frank. "Yeah. You gotta hand it to her." |
| Giant Pandas are the least racist animal... They're Black, White and Asian! |
| When is it time for bed at Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand. Woooo Shamone!! |
| What is the difference between Donald Trump and Kanye West? 4 years. |
| Alt-Right does nothing for our Word Ctrl-Right, though, moves us to a whole new Word. Obligatory I'm here all day. |
| What cereal does President Trump stockpile at the White House? Cheerios...Made for little hands! |
| What do you call a pig with no legs? Ground Hog! Happy Groundhog's Day! |
| My wife told me if I kept making puns about my dark yellow glove then she'd leave me. I told her I could see where she was coming from, even I found it annoying I mustard mitt. |
| So a man and a wife were walking.... The wife sees a dog licking itself and whispers to her husband "I wish I could get down like that." The husband replies "I suggest you ask if you can pet em first" |
| What is a physicist's preferred city of residence? Velo City. |
| What kind of faucet is only Cold? Farrah |
| Q: What's the difference between hemophilia and virginity? None. One prick, and it's all over. |
| What's the most common blood type in Taiwan? Taipei |
| Pregnant - Beyonce Pregnant with twins - Beytwice |
| My baby finally spoke her first words She said "Google Lady Gaga" |
| Time flies like an arrow fruit flies like a banana |
| Why are magicians lousy reporters? They always ask trick questions. |
| This is a chemistry joke repost... All the original ones Argon. |
| What's the best pattern for a banker's suit? Checks! |
| Why did the Amish girl keep getting pregnant? Too many mennonite. |
| The Groundhog just saw a Muslim outside Gobblers Knob. Predicting six more months of travel ban |
| Whats lopsided and provocative? A stripper who had a stroke |
| Someone asked me "What's the longest time you ever went without sex? " 16 years. Once. When I was young. |
| Why did the piece of chalk cross the road? There was treasure buried underneath. |
| How many Muslims were banned? How many Muslims were banned? Allah them. |
| Onions. I remember crying when my dad chopped onions. Onions was a good dog. I miss him. |
| Want to hear a joke about Sodium? Na Want to hear a joke about Sodium Hypobromite? NaBrO |
| Eyes Specialist Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem? Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell? Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door. |
| How do say farewell to a cat? You ask him to have a mice day. |
| Why was the math book sad? It had lots of problems. [My little brother told me this earlier.] |
| Trump is alot like a Dragon Ball Z villain He has yet to sign his final form! Bahahaahaaa I love coffee |
| A Muslim walks into a gay bar And says "shots for everyone!" |
| Groundhog sees Trumps shadow. . . Four more years of Nuclear Winter |
| 100m Dash A girl says to her friend "The last time I had sex was like the 100 meter dash" Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?" "No, with 8 black men and a gun." |
| What did the company that makes wooden counters say to their client? "We stand behind our product" |
| Trump cured me... of impostor syndrome. |
| I just went to my first biweekly Screw Trump party I'm gonna try his gays only one next week. |
| Why did the bean get released from the mental asylum? It wasn't a nut. |
| Son: "Mom, Dad, I am gay...." Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: ... Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD" |
| What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they're stuck up bitches. |
| I asked my agent what time I should arrive to be paid for the Elvis impersonation gig. He said it's 1 for the money. |
| Which monkey can fly? A hot air baboon! |
| Why is Donald Trump's favorite cuisine Canadian? Because he loves to have a mouthful of Poutine. |
| Why couldn't the dogs understand each other. Because they didn't have any common scents. Ha ha ha... I'll see myself out. |
| What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt! |
| What type of penis do Chinese mice have? Mousey dongs |
| Breaking News: Donald Trump elected 45th President of the United States! I know this already came out, but I am just now believing it. |
| I told the judge "I discovered my wife in bed with Danny!" He said "No you didn't! Danny already knew she was there." |
| Having a foot long penis would be a real pain in the ass But not for me. |
| My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed. Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists |
| What are your chances of getting laid by a super religious female? Nun |
| Today needs to be Lobster or steak day... Because this groundhog tastes like crap! |
| An atheist, dyslexic insomniac spends all his nights wondering About the existence of dog. |
| What did the Aussie say when his friend ran out of TP? Bidet mate! |
| Did you know they make a divorcee Barbie now? She comes with all of Ken's stuff. |
| Why are you up at 6am despite wanting more sleep? SIR I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON. |
| Sir Mix-A-Lot runs in 2020. He'll grab her by the tushy. |
| I've been secretly tossing pears at my neighbor for a couple weeks now I can hear him talking to his wife about government drones trying to drive him crazy, but he's just pear annoyed. |
| A cat can read the hands of a clock to know when it's nap time. It's nap time when the hours-hand is shorter than the minutes-hand. |
| What is the name of a motorist fan in the Netherlands? Bus van Truck |
| Thank god I wasn't born in China... I don't even speak Chinese! |
| The groundhog saw his shadow. Four more years of suck. |
| Mercury asked the Sun what he was. The Sun said: I'm a motherfucking star boy. |
| Told my friend she couldn't take critism She told me to go to hell. |
| What did the warring religious sects say to each other after they made peace? "Good Shiite." "See you Sunni." |
| As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a big black man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine. Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes. |
| When my cat won for "Best Feline Butt", we expected to get a small plaque. But it wasn't. It was a huge catasstrophy |
| Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a #2 pencil. (With thanks from my dad) |
| My pet snake just lays around and won't move I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction |
| Did you hear the one about fouls in Soccer? You'll get a kick out of it. |
| They call my penis the truth.... The truth can be a real dick sometimes |
| I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself.... When did I get a wife? |
| Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?" He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park." |
| It's okay to laugh during sex but just don't point. |
| In the US, there is house theft every 7 seconds Doesn't that mean walls should be built around houses? |
| My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home. |
| My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Really blind-sided everyone. Nobody expected the Spanish Acquisition. |
| What is a Linux user's favorite game? sudo ku EDIT: First post with 100+ upvotes. Thanks all you people :D |
| An unmarried couple start a jazz band. What would they call it? Premarital sax |
| What do you call a constipated detective? No shit Sherlock |
| Yesterday an Iraqi Imam made history when he said someone in Iraq had told a lie. It was the first time a Trump supporter accepted at face value a statement form an Imam without feeling the need to reach for a gun. |
| What is your FAVORITE pun? Mine is, "Dogs Can't Operate a MRI Machine......but Catscan" |
| what do you call the god of melting ice? Thaw. |
| Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? It's okay, he worked it out with a pencil. |
| "Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said. "Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?". |
| What do you call a potato that becomes US President and silences the news, silences government agencies, silences government funded science and ends international treaties? A dic-tater. |
| The light at the end of the tunnel, Are the front lights of a train. |
| my wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort. |
| I've just moved into a six bedroom house with three acres of land. Don't tell the owners. |
| You?re one in a million China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you?re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. |
| Why do economists exist? So accountants have someone to laugh at. |
| What do you call a Russian guy in a Racecar? Snowspeed xD |
| Guy: We need to stop testing our products on animals. Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time. Guy: Ya but we make dildos. |
| I used to work at a bra factory but it went bust. |
| On the late night train.... On a late night train, I was alone in a carriage, this pretty young thing boards. I stared at her. She snapped "what are you looking at? " I sighed. "6 to 8 years if someone else gets in this carriage." |
| What was Lynyrd Skynyrd's biggest hit? The ground. Follow-up line: It was a Buddy Holly cover. |
| What do you call a Chinese woman with no legs? Dragon lips |
| Did you know? Type O Blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to the lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread and is now called Type ?O? blood. I guess you could call it a typo. |
| Hey Honey! "Today, I went out and a saw a woman that looked identical to you, just fatter!" "Well, did you find her attractive?" "Shit." |
| Who is Donald Trump's least favourite rock band? Foreigner. |
| What is the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, its flag is a big plus. |
| Why can't you hear pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because their P is silent! |
| My wife always asks me: if she dies, will I remarry? And I say don't be silly honey... I never make the same mistake twice. |
| What did the porcupines say when they kissed? Ouch! |
| What's the difference between a truckload of sand and a truckload of babies? You can't unload sand with a pitchfork |
| What's the SI Unit for measuring Light's Weight? Hologram. |
| A wife walks in on her husband, in bed with another woman. "Helen, is that you?", says the husband surprised. He turns to the woman next to him. "Then who is this?" |
| My mechanic thinks i'm in denial over my brake fluid leak. But he's wrong; I can stop any time i want. |
| What do you call a Barbie on fire? A Barbecue! Be gentle. First post. And I remember making this up on a long car ride when I was just 4:) |
| Rucksacks are some of the most trustworthy things you'll ever own I mean, they've always got your back amirite |
| What do you call a women who cant make a sandwich? Single |
| You already know the punchline. What is the worst part about time travelling jokes? |
| What Kind Of Jam Would You Not Like On Your Bread? A Traffic Jam |
| Why doesn't the sun go to college? Because it already has 28 million degrees |
| What's the difference between a doll and a baby? You can't paint with a doll. |
| Why did George W. Bush cross the road? To ask his dad how to run the presidency. |
| Me: So do you like guys with low self esteem? Girl: Of course, yes, I do Me: Please don't lie to make me feel better |
| Why did the sailor think his wife was cheating on him? Because his boat was filled with seamen. |
| Why is Trump so keen to stay with the queen in the UK? He heard she has golden bathrooms and can't wait to try out the showers. |
| Marriage is like smoking... we believed they are good at first. |
| Why don't women have dirty minds? Because they're constantly changing them... |
| So if Trump doesn't like conversations with Turnbull and Australians don't like conversations with Turnbull, is Turnbull... ... Malcolm in the middle? |
| Three women are in a bar talking about how loose they are... One fits a hot dog in. The next fits a cucumber in. The last one slides down the barstool. |
| Cerebral Necrophelia Gives new meaning to the expression "I fucked her brains out" |
| To all these people telling America n Americans to go fuck themselves I think they already took care of that in November! |
| My secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her blouse at lunch today when she said, "remember, you have a wife." |
| Winter is coming. Can I watch? |
| What did the feminist say before shooting up a school? Trigger warning |
| Did you hear about the debacle at the USDA's beauty pageant? They crowned a Miss Steak. |
| What does somebody want most when they're stranded in the desert and their camel runs away? They want their camel bak. |
| Did you know you can tell the gender of an ant by tossing it in water?! If it sinks... girl ant! If it floats... buoyant! |
| Why do melons always have big weddings? Because they cantaloupe! |
| If Canadians say "Ay" and Mexicans say "Si"... Why don't Americans say "B"? |
| If a woman sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a slut. But if a guy does the same thing, then he's gay. |
| Mellinials today definitely have it easier than previous generations... My grandfather had to cross the Atlantic to punch a Nazi. |
| Why can't you ever bang construction workers? They're excellent with man hole covers. |
| After many years of studying at a university, I?ve finally become a PhD Or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it. |
| What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Michael Phelps can finish a race |
| Why are the cars built by communists no good? 'cause they're constantly Stalin! |
| Nothing I do makes any sense. I'm unemployed. |
| How do you keep redditors in suspense? I'll tell you tomorrow. |
| My overdramatic girlfriend came up to me, balling her eyes out and confessed to having the most painful period she's ever had before I looked her right in the face and said "stop ovary acting" |
| I thought recently that I was being to hard on Trump and wanted to try to see things the way he does... So I stuck my head up my ass and I get it now. |
| What is the the most charitable nation? A donation. |
| Did you know that my alcoholic friend only weighs two pounds? Long story short, my bud light. |
| I want to fly But gravity is such a let down |
| Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one who had a dream got shot. |
| Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough? He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll. |
| I went to a 4-year olds birthday party once, it was kinda awkward... ...probably because I wasn't invited... |
| Jay Leno walks into a bar. Bartender says "Why the really long face?" |
| Guy puts candy bar in shirt His dad always said to keep Twix up your sleeve. |
| I have the work ethic of an ox - If you tie a yoke to my shoulders and whip me until I move, I'm probably going to get a lot done. |
| Good part about trump being president is he will never forget toupee Sorry for the bad pun. Was off the top of my head. |
| What do you call a magic car? A Lambor-genie! |
| Why do farmers like to have sex with sheep at the edge of a cliff? They push back |
| I got vagina in China, got some more in Singapore, got some booty in Djibouti But I got gonorrhea in Korea. |
| What do you call a haemophobic vampire? A starving bat |
| They say you should test your fire alarm once a month... ... but it's costing me a fortune in houses! |
| Why did the console gamer cross the road? To render the building |
| I've always preferred management over human resources I guess that's just a personnel preference |
| What's black and white and red all over A penguin in a blender |
| Why is masturbating off the side of Japanese whaling ships mandatory? it's the only way to attract sperm whales. |
| A husband and wife are getting their first baby scan After a few minutes of silent scanning, the couple ask the doctor if anything is wrong. The doctor replies: On a positive note, your child will never struggle to find a parking space. |
| I once had an encounter with a Grizzly Its a long story, but just bear with me |
| I am a judge for peanut beauty pageants My job is pretty nuts |
| Dead husband A detective asks a woman, "So, your husband hanged himself?" Woman replies, "Yes, that is correct." The suspicious detective continues, "But why does he have all those bruises on his head?" "The old fool used an elastic rope!" |
| What is long and hard to a blonde? Grade five. |
| What do you call a barnyard revolt? A chicken coup. |
| What lives at the North Pole and takes Lithium? A bi-polar bear. [OC, circa 2005] |
| A man asks his wife if he can cum in her ear She said "No, it'll make me go deaf" To which he replied "Really, I always cum in your mouth and you never shut the fuck up". |
| Did you hear about the fire at the circus? Yeah...it was intense. |
| How can you tell if a lady is ready for sexy time??? You put your hand down the front of her pants, and if it feels like you're feeding a sugar cube to a horse, Hey buddy it's time to crank up the Lynard Skynard!! |
| I bought a Lottery ticket today Sven: "Ollie I bought a Lottery ticket today." Ollie: "It looks like it has six numbers on it. 29, 4, 42, 11, 35, 36." Sven: "What are the odds?" Ollie: "29, 11, 35." |
| I like my Jews just how I like my juice From concentrate. |
| Trump is in a paradox He needs construction workers to build the wall, but he's trying to deport all the construction workers I thought of this on the spot that's why it's bad sorry |
| We've had a horrible winter this year. It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets. |
| After years of reflection I've decided to stop selling mirrors |
| What's the difference between horses and women? Horses shoes are practical |
| I hate when people ask me what I'm going to be doing in 3 years Like come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision! |
| If the last Wolverine movie is a cross country chase... then why isn't it called Logan's Run? |
| You go to the bathroom Russian. You come out American. What are you while you're in the bathroom? European. |
| Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school? He's awake now! |
| NSFW My SO asked me why I always make terrible puns and dad jokes I told her, "it's just gentle ribbing, you know, for your pleasure" |
| Why didn't barbie ever get pregnant? Because Ken always came in another box. |
| What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? A suicide vest gets something accomplished when triggered. |
| Say what you will about Donald Trump his secretaries and stuff think he is a greatest president ever Can't complain??! |
| What does Porsche do? Ellen. |
| How many police officers does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None. "He fell". |
| Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? Because he had a miserable summer. |
| Did you hear about the roman fighter who ate his mother in law? Terrible indigestion but he was gladiator. |
| What do you get if you cross a black man with an octopus? A mean cotton-picking machine! |
| Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man? Then he learned how to make friends. |
| So Donald Trump signs an Executive Order reviving the Dakota Pipeline ... He says "Look at this Italian Stripper Dakota Pipilini ... laid by 100 men in 6 months!" |
| What's the difference between an attractive date and a not attractive date? His bank account. |
| Why do engineers make horrible parents? Because they're taught to neglect everything. |
| What's the difference between a job interview and being hired? You can tell them you're lazy once you are hired. :) |
| Did you hear how Reddit banned r/altright? They pressed Ctrl+Altright+Del. |
| Where should children with ADHD be sent? A Concentration Camp! |
| What kind of underwear does the Alt-Right wear? Tighty Righties. |
| My wife asked if I will ever stop quoting Gangsta's Paradise The way things are going I don't know |
| Whats worse than finding your wife at a brothel? Finding a fucking orangutang in a brothel. |
| What's got two wings and an arrow? A Chinese telephone. |
| What do you call a dinosaur that sings? A velocirapper |
| The only people that look up to school shooters... ..are the students on the ground |
| Why is 17 referred to as the "Hot Cousin" in black jack? Because you want to hit it but you'd probably bust and everyone be pissed at you. |
| I always wondered why they say space smells like seared steak Then I remember the Challenger disaster |
| What do you call a quadriplegic moose wearing a Guy Fawkes mask? A non-knee moose! Ba-dum-tiss |
| Why didn't hydrogen want to room with fluorine in college? Fluorine was so electronegative all the time. |
| This woman just caught me looking down her top. I panicked so much I almost fell off the toilet seat. |
| Why did Hitler approve of his mathematicians? They were all ~z-s. |
| Want a new perspective that's not AltRight? Try CtrlAltRight. |
| In my day, men were men, and women were secretaries. |
| I'm a new actor and just shot a pilot... ...turns out I wasn't supposed to use a loaded gun. |
| Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive |
| 30 people were waiting in line to get punched in the face... I guess you could call that the punch line. |
| A priest sees a self-made millionaire take some money out of the poorbox When the priest asks why, The millionaire looks down and replies "I just got divorced" |
| Me at my second rodeo: This ain't my first rodeo |
| What kind of veggies do you eat before going out to the club? Turn-Up Greens |
| Beyonce is pregnant! She's having twins! The media will refer to them as Bey's BeyBeys. |
| Sign of the times: if you win a million bucks as a contestant on "The Wall" ...they make Telemundo pay for it. |
| What do Spanish priests put on the communion bread? Soy sauce |
| What's not alright The altright |
| My first time on an elevator was quite uplifting... The second time was a let down. |
| A couple of blondes were talking about things they got while shopping So i bought a new toilet brush. Is it any good? No, not really. I think toilet paper works better. |
| Son: Dad, I?ve never heard you pull a joke before, have you ever pulled one? Dad: Sure son, I had to pull one back in ?97 Son: But that?s when I was born Dad: Exactly |
| Why did the scarecrow get an award? because he was out standing in his field. |
| Why did the cannibal cross the road? To get to the body shop! |
| How do you know if an autistic guy likes you? He looks at your shoes while he jerks off. |
| I found a way to make my penis 6 inches long. Fold it in half! |
| How did Billy Mays die? He confused his Oxi-Clean with his Cocaine. |
| Claustrophobia (fear of having no escape, and being closed) When you walk towards a pub, ... and you are afraid that it might be closed. |
| How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until its bill withers. |
| My girlfriend is like bread. It's easy to get a rise out of her. |
| How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it!! How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it! |
| I LOVE ISIS She's my favorite Egyptian god |
| What did the circumference of a circle say to its diameter? Want some pi? |
| Hey girl, are you an integral? Because I want to substitute u for my x. |
| And the Lord said onto John: "Come forth John and you will receive eternal life" But John came 5th and won a toaster |
| Why did Trump retract claims that George Soros was behind the paid protestors that have taken to the streets since his inauguration? He was jealous that Soros had created more jobs than he had. |
| What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey |
| Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 52 secconds Poor bastard |
| Whats green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table. |
| Women call me ugly untill they find out how much money i make Then they call me ugly and poor |
| My friend recently took up origami... My friend recently took up origami, although he's not very good at making creases, and every time he messes up he gets angrier and angrier... Trust me, you wouldn't want to be there when it all unfolds... |
| What do you call an elephant crossed with a rhino? 'Eliphino? |
| TIL What a lay up was. Explains a lot. |
| How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's bill withers. |
| I try to teach my dad a new lesson every day. They say it's good to learn from your mistakes. |
| What do you call an Incompetent Female Arsonist? A Farcenist |
| What's a civilian called in military slang? A collateral damage still alive. |
| Remember, big brains are important... but big muscles are importanter |
| My Parents always told That you should learn from mistakes. That's Why they have so many books about children. |
| I know a farmer who likes throwing darts at his mating donkeys for fun He's a pain in the fucking ass |
| Had to take a drug test for Calculus. Had to take a drug test for Calc. 2 It was a P-test. |
| Have you guys heard of the new semen-based hair gel? It's the next generation. |
| Two silkworms were in a wrestling match. It ended in a tie. |
| Sex Doll Do muslim sex dolls blow themselves up? |
| A slave say to another slave... Are you free tonight? |
| A man saw a woman on the street and started physically abusing her She asks, "What are you doing?!" The man says "I'm hitting on you". |
| I just found out that Santa Clause raises livestock in between Christmas... I guess you could call him a Jolly Rancher |
| What's the Difference Between America and "Keeping Up With the Kardashians"? I don't even know at this point... |
| Whats a Mexican gangsters favorite brand of pants? Dickies. They love the way they feel on their ass. |
| How many dead hookers in a basement does it take to change a light bulb? I'm not sure, but it's more than four because it's still fucking dark down there |
| The local police station got broke into today and they stole all the toilets... The police have got nothing to go on |
| 64% of statistics are made up 90% of you didn't know that. |
| Wife wanted. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." |
| What results when you cross a Hippo and a Crocodile? Pretty sure you die. |
| What did Japanese-mexican name his cat? Ari-gato |
| I'm instructor flashbang I earned that nickname from my ex-wife I don't get it but it kinda stuck |
| I went on a date with a 45 year old woman. Me: Would you like a drink? Her: No thanks, I tried it once a didnt like it. Me: Oh ok, that's unusual. Her: Not really, my daughter's exactly the same. Me: Your only child I assume? |
| All these women on the 48 dating sites I?ve joined, seem so fucking sad and desperate. |
| A girl at work asks if I think she's a 10... I said "you're an 11." "Aww really?" she says with a huge smile. I said "yeah , you've got a great personality as well and that adds at least 10 points." |
| What's the difference between 9/11 and a Cow? America can't milk a cow for 15 years |
| 4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed. 2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects. |
| How do oysters get around? In mussel cars. |
| I've got a part time job making rubberised computer keyboards. They offer flexible shifts. |
| I got drunk and hired a cheap lawyer last night. Think I might have contracted something... |
| I wish that I could buy the new iPhone... but iBroke. |
| Why doesn't Massachusetts have a Debate team? Because it would be called the Mass-Debate team. |
| Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years." |
| A bodybuilder named Scott A bodybuilder named Scott is working out at the gym and has just deadlifted 600 pounds, a personal best. Still holding the bar, he looks over to his trainer, who shouts: "Great, Scott!" And he replies: "I know, this is heavy." |
| "My name is Talia, my mother gave me that name." [NSFW] Batman: Is your first name Jenny? Coz then you'd be Jennytalia, and I hear you're a total cu**. |
| What is the best mexican food to eat while you're watching Netflix? andchill-adas |
| How many vampires showed up to the garlic eating competition? I don't know, it was countless |
| [OC] What do you tell a preacher when they invite you over for spaghetti dinner? "Pasta pasta, pasta." :) EDIT: Say it out loud. |
| There were two fish in a fish tank. The first fish said, "How do you drive this thing?" The second fish said, "Holy crap! It's a talking fish!!" |
| If my last name were Plate, I'd open a computer repair shop... and call it Plate Tech Tonics. |
| "Peace out. See you guys in four years" -Democracy |
| A little girl gets lost in the supermarket A security guard asks her 'What's your mum like?' 'Big cocks and vodka', replied the little girl |
| What do you call a soup bowl from Krypton?! Well ... *a kryptonian soup bowl*, obviously. |
| Beyonce Pregnant With Twins, Names Already Chosen Red and Yellow |
| When I was born my father said "Now I'm certain I want two children!" I was the third. |
| Beyonce is having twins! I wonder if they will be Red ivy and Green ivy |
| I wasn't sure about how to ask the love of my life to marry me So, I decided to ask her husband for advice. |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? He didn't because I'm vegetarian and offended. |
| The only thing smaller than Donald Trump's hands... The only thing smaller than Donald Trump's hands is Donald Trump's heart! |
| MOM! at school they tell me i'm too distracted! kid, i'm the neighbour, your house is across the street. |
| Back at school, I had a weird geometry teacher. He had warts all over his nose, and they had to remove a bit of his face due to an accident. You could say he had an... Irregular sir face. |
| What's the difference between Karl Marx and Donald Trump? Trump only advocates the seizing of a *woman's* means of production |
| I can't find my k+(1/4a) I guess I've lost my focus... |
| I tried to rob a bank using jello cast in the shape of a gun The police charged me with carrying a congealed weapon |
| Some people worry drinking in the shower is a sign of alcoholism I just worry about keeping the water out of my beer |
| Marriage is like blackjack Marriage is like blackjack. You can either hit or stay, but you can't do both |
| Obama was the Antichrist & Trump is a facist dictator Either America has grown more tolerant or liberals don't believe in the Antichrist. |
| How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black. |
| What is the best secret intelligence service? MI6 have strong Bonds but the CIA Trumps all. |
| What do you get hanging from banana trees? Long arms |
| Donald Trump's releasing a hip-hop song this year Going Back To Calais |
| What's the difference between a penis and a vagina? [NSFW] I'd say there's quite a vas deferens. |
| Why did the Frenchman put snails in his gas tank? To make escargot. |
| I would love to be a mirror cleaner. I can see myself making a living that way... |
| My last relationship was like Forrest Gump She was a whore and I was retarded. |
| Why did the Secret Service arrest the recently immigrated masseuse? They said Melania told the masseuse after he was done to give the President a fist bump, not to fist Trump. |
| What was Harper Lee's favourite spirit to drink when she went claypigeon shooting? Tequila Mockingbird |
| A man frantically walks into the doctor's office... ...and begins to shout, "I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!" "Calm down, calm down!" The doctor says. "You're two tents!" |
| What does the pirate sell his corn for on the side of the street? Buck an ear. |
| What do you call a sad marijuana pipe? Miserabowl! |
| You Eat What? knock knock who's there? I eat yerp I eat yerp who That's disgusting, please stop |
| Did you guys hear about Mike Pence? His favorite supreme Court case is Nix v. Hadden involving the federal classification of the tomato. It's cause he loves when the government turns fruits into vegetables. |
| What are the two most important holes in a womans body? No!! Not them you dirty bastards!!!! Its her nostrils...they allow her to breathe while she's sucking your dick. |
| I fingered my girlfriend during her period Her parents caught me red handed. |
| What's the difference between a near death experience and a booty call? One is ducking fate and the other is a... |
| Why was the broom late? It overswept! |
| What's the favorite food of infinity. Cocaine. Cos it's a high number. |
| Did you hear about the rebellious Hebrew child? He went out and got stoned with his mates. |
| There's a rumor going around that someone in my group of friends is gay... I hope it's Josh, he's pretty cute. |
| Been reading a fascinating memoir about Latino street culture. It's a collection of esÈs. |
| I'm thinking about moving to Switzerland... For a couple of reasons, but their flag is a big plus. |
| Who is Pitbulls favorite sports icon? Dale! Earnhardt Jr. |
| What do you call a fake TV bought on craigslist? A video-con. |
| What do you do when a chemist dies? You barium. |
| Why is a cat like a joke? If you dissect it, it dies. |
| What kind of table is good for your health? A vegetable! This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece! It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me. |
| How does Princess Leia like her showers? Lukewarm. |
| The other day I had food poisoning And I had diarrhea for a whole week. I shit you not |
| I haven't lost my virginity yet... Because i never lose |
| What would the name be of a magician duo containing a chicken and a deaf woman? Hen and Keller. |
| My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn?t build a car out of spaghetti. You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta! |
| That day in lab I nearly made a science joke ...but my friend said Na. |
| Did you hear about the new tax law Trump has issued? I don't know much about it but it seems tariff-eyeing. |
| TIFU by accidentally giving my girlfriend my sandwich that had extra cheese when she's lactose intolerant Whoops, wrong sub. |
| What did the number 0 say to the number 8? "Nice belt." |
| I feel very akward when I watch dance instruction videos. Always staring at the feet. |
| Where does the king keep his armies? In his sleevies |
| My girlfriend broke up with me cause I stole her wheelchair But I knew she'd come crawling back to me. |
| Yo mama so fat Aliens thought she was our Dyson Sphere |
| People say I'm superficial ...but that's just on the surface. |
| Where do Christians go after throwing up? Heave'in |
| What do you call a homeless horse? Unstable. |
| A drunk guy looks at a wanted poster... And thinks 'why would they let him go after clicking the pic' |
| Backstage at Project Runway, Tim walked past me holding some coffee. I said, "Hey, Gunn, where you going with that joe in your hand?" |
| It's still hard to take Trump seriously. For some reason I get the feeling he's just Putin us on. |
| Why did a banana go to the doctor? because he wasnt.. peeling well hahahah (ill find the door) |
| I used to date a girl that only had one leg... Her name was Ilene and she worked at IHOP |
| My girlfriend is a Trump supporter who ran out of breakfast bread. She lacks toast and tolerance. |
| What do you call the hair on a cows lip? A Moo-stache. > The perks of having too much free time in a call center. |
| One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob... "We need to pick ourselves up otherwise everyone will think we're nuts" |
| Did you hear about that mentally disabled kid who shoved a burger up his ass? I think he's got assburger syndrome. |
| After a long day of eroding civil rights, Donald can't wait to get home and remove Melania's panties. She really gets upset when he stretches them out. |
| You get the most from a Women's Studies degree when you... ...spend a semester studying abroad. |
| What is Snoop's favorite contraction? We'd |
| A prostitute asks her doctor if he could drill another hole next to her ass. The surprised doctor asks why...? "Business is going well, I want to open another branch" she replied. |
| I keep wanting to try Kraftig... But the last time Germans talked about purity my ancestors had to flee the continent. |
| What do French people do on Valentine's Day? They d'Èclair their love to each other. |
| a priest, rabbi and, caliphate walk into a bar they woke up in the hospital with a concussion. |
| Doors of my house are open for you always. Get out! |
| Difference between twins I've fucked a set of twins. People have asked me how hard it was to tell them apart, but it was actually quite easy. You see, Caroline was a redhead with an amazing pair of tits, And frank had a cock. |
| A police officer's Siamese twin brother was a criminal... He was con fused. |
| Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince. |
| Stop posting Chuck Norris jokes on the Internet. Chuck Norris will delete the internet. |
| I am a loyal man. When I go out shopping with my mom, I don't look at other moms. |
| Rumor has it there's a basketball court on the roof of the Supreme Court building. It's the highest court in the land. |
| What is the difference between me and trash? Nobody takes me out |
| I didn't know what to get my mother for Christmas I turned to my colleagues and asked what I should get for her when my boss says "Get her some slippers and a dildo, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and fuck herself" |
| I went to the doctors about my hearing.. I went to the doctors about my hearing and the doctors asked me "Can you describe the symptoms?" I said "Yeah, Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair" |
| Man walks into a restaurant and asks the waiter "what's the special today?" Waiter replies "Oasis soup" - Man: "why is it called Oasis soup?" Waiter replies "cos you get a *roll with it*" |
| To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you.. You have my Word. |
| The weirdest thing I've heard during sex is "Cum inside me." I got pretty freaked out. Why? Hands don't talk. |
| What do you call a round table meeting of a bunch of chronic masturbators? A circumference BADUMTSS |
| What makes me a good scottish man? **Well if i were a bad scottish man,i wouldn't have been discussing this with ya now would i?** |
| what do you get when you cross a bison with a duck? buffalo bill |
| Where do dogs go when they lose their tail? To the retail store |
| What do you can an acoholic dwarf? Just a little drunk. |
| I got arrested the other day after police found me covering a boy with melted sugar I was charged with child molassation |
| I told my teacher to tell a joke He said "Want me to announce your grades?" |
| I'm not addicted to drinking brake fluid.... I can stop any time I want. |
| Two silk worms are in a wrestling match It ended in a tie. |
| Black History Month A kid in my class asked why we had a Black History Month and not a White History Month. I told him we had eleven. |
| They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life" They are darn right, that field isn't hiring! |
| Why does Donald Trump wear such a long tie? It's his leash. |
| My grandfather had a heart of a lion... and also a lifetime ban from the zoo. |
| Hitler was caught jacking off by a dead jew. Hitler: Oh no, I did Nazi you there. |
| I used to have a pet leech. It was attached to me. |
| Can't blame Monica Lewinsky for getting her dress dirty... I'm sure she just didn't see it coming... |
| the ghostly act of not respecting your equals disapeer |
| I have one advice to the people of /r/NoFap Go fuck yourself. |
| What would Reddit do for a Klondike bar? OP's mom. |
| I need to stop making autism jokes But the repetition is just too soothing |
| Did you hear about the girl that was dating an Eskimo? She broke it off. |
| Moses doesn't mind period sex. He's used to being in the red sea. |
| Yesterday I killed a pair of pigeons with an unmanned flying device. You could say I killed two birds with one drone! |
| Did you hear that Gregor Mendel never finished any of his work? That's right! No punnett ended |
| What is the year of good eyesight? The Year 2020 |
| Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because, if they flew over the bay, they would be called bagels. |
| What type of joke is the best joke? A Communist joke, because everyone gets it. |
| What do you call a dual stand up act on their periods? comoody |
| Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son? Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son? Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa Edit: Can't believe i got 1000 upvotes , Thanks Dad |
| What's the fastest food in the world? Scone |
| My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice Must be why I'm an only child Edit: First time on front page thanks guys! |
| Why shouldn't the number 288 ever be said in public? Because it's too gross |
| I like going for a jog at night The fear of getting murdered really helps my stamina. |
| Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR! |
| They say you can?t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein ? he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon! |
| Know why Mexico doesn't have a good Olympic team? Anybody that can run, jump, or swim is already in the U.S. |
| What's the difference between a co-pilot and a duck? The duck can fly. EDIT: this is a pilot joke - I obviously know that co-pilots can fly |
| You must be calcium You make my bone hard. |
| What do Pizzas & parents have in common? If they're black, you have nothing to eat. |
| Two Men walk into a bar... The third one ducked. |
| What do you call a disagreeable Russian Sasquatch? A Nyeti. |
| Caught my wife receiving oral sex from our refrigerator again. I'll never buy another Kelvinator |
| Despair. What a Jamaican gets when he's bowling. |
| What do you call a colour doing a chemistry degree? Cyantific. |
| I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me. She was lack-toes intolerant. |
| Can someone get me a new calendar? Mayan ended |
| How often do guinea pigs have sex? Once a wheek wheek wheek wheek! |
| Why does the man with fake hair never carry around his wallet? Because he never expects to toupee anything |
| I hate gravity... It's always putting me down |
| What was the last thing to cross Paul Walker's mind? The windshield |
| How does an angry Mexican season his food? ...With a pinche salt |
| A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar The bartender says "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything" |
| Can?t believe how much my girlfriend is crying about her new haircut Its much worse for me, I?m the one who?s gonna have to find a new girlfriend now. |
| What's the difference between oranges and babies? I don't fuck the oranges after I skin them. |
| Why did the blind man cross the street ? At least he tried ...... |
| What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera? Phil Ming |
| 2 flies on a terd 1 fly farts and the other says 'do you mind I'm eating' |
| Before leaving, my mother asked me, "How long will you be travelling through Scandanavia?" I replied, "Until I'm Finnished." |
| Gay dating is hard when you only like pessimists. I'm not interested in positive men. |
| what do you call gangster spaghetti spaghetto |
| What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador |
| A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'' |
| Why can't Google maps hold down a solid relationship Because it's always looking for the quickest possible route |
| What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common? They both have to smell it but neither of them gets to eat it. :( |
| A man with no hands walks into a palm reader's business The palm reader looks at him and says, "well, I'm stumped." |
| What do you call a white bear that can't push? A polar bear. |
| What did the man ask the Jamaican Chef? "What Jamaican?" |
| If I had a dollar for every time a woman didn't show interest in me They'd probably eventually show interest in me |
| Two elephants were watching a naked man... One elephant turned and asked the other, "How the hell does he eat with that thing!" |
| Trump said "I am going to drain the swamp and take on the establishment" |
| My favourite job has always been giving stupid people advice. Hello! You clicked! What do you want to know? |
| Who's Going to Pay For the Wall? Mexico Mexic Mexi Mex Me |
| What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito will stop sucking after you slap it. |
| If two people having sex is called a twosome..... Then now i know why they call you handsome ;) |
| President Trump's choice for Supreme Court Justice is strongly opposed to euthanasia. I wonder what he's got against kids in the Orient? |
| What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician? He didn't count on this... |
| Bad taste Did you hear Donald Trump is putting a ban on telecommunications from the middle east! It's called the Teleban. |
| Someone asked what my favorite band was... if I'm being subjective, I'd say The Who. if I'm being objective, I'd say The Whom. |
| Sally can't sell seashells down by the seashore anymore... She was busted for conch-traband. |
| I heard Michael J. Fox is getting his own cooking show... The show is called, "Shake and Bake". |
| What do you call Batman when he skips out on church? Christian Bale |
| What's the difference between a man and a government bond? The bond matures! |
| My doctor told me I need fewer trans fats in my life... Looks like it's time to delete Tumblr. |
| What could US Senate learn from Trump's wives? A two-thirds' majority decided to ditch him. |
| How do you fuck 118 million Americans with one dick? Elect him president edit: 318 million, not 118 |
| My Friend Recently has been attaching balloons to everything he sees. I mean seriously, you can't make this stuff up. |
| I'm furious! racist tech support just called me asian All I said was my drivers keep crashing |
| Did you hear about the German man who was up to no good? I heard he has a severe guten allergy. |
| A man walks up to his friend and says, "I'm getting sick of being single." The friend replies "well there's a lot of sea in the fish.... and that sea is full of men." |
| [NSFW] I'm so sad, my favorite dating site is shutting down Disney has announced they are shutting down Club Penguin. =( |
| What do you call a sick painting? An Ill-ustration. |
| MOM! I'm being called gay in school. Who is calling you that son? A bunch of cute boys. |
| What do you call a werewolf that doesn't know he's a werewolf? An unawarewolf. |
| What are Steve Bannon's favorite flowers? Gin blossoms. |
| What has 8 wheels and flies? A garbage truck. |
| I like my apples how I like my clown hookers: Red, yellow, green and devoid of worms. |
| How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy. |
| I beat Anorexia today People keep coming up with weirder names for their children. |
| Do you spell it Palindrome or Palendrome? Cause I've heard it both ways. |
| George Bush and his competitor got into a fist fight... I got to say, it was Al Gore... |
| What hangs at a mans thigh... What hangs at a mans thigh, and wants to poke a hole, that it's poked many times before? A key |
| My landscaper is also a paramedic He told me he makes more money mowing my lawn than he would finding me on my lawn having a heart attack. |
| What is the most controversial topic in the pirate world? Aarghbortion |
| What did two oceans say to each other? Nothing, they just waved. |
| My wife hates it when I'm on the toilet She says it brings out the worst in me |
| A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest? The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18. |
| A wife is yelling at her husband. "Get out of the house! I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!" As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!" The guy says: "So hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?" |
| What do Reddit and elections in third world countries have in common? They both have a reasonable voting cutoff of six months |
| Presidential politics is a lot like comedy. In the early days you?re going to bomb. |
| What do you call A anorexic girl with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese. |
| What do you call something that has a small hole, is tasty, and covered in my cum? A glazed donut. |
| If you think that move is going to work, you've got another thing coming. And it won't be me! |
| America has a bad case of priapism... An elect dick that lasts for at least four years. |
| TIL: Many medieval surnames like Fletcher or Cooper refer to the patriarch's traditional occupation. I guess I won't be marrying Mr. Dickinson. |
| Why were the twin towers sad? Because they ordered pepperoni pizza and got plane. |
| Sex is like homework I only do it when my teacher forces me to. |
| What to do you call someone that doesn't eat meat OR vegetables? Dead |
| Do you know what Disney song is really deep? Under The Sea. |
| Me: *Playing Ouija board* Me: What's your name? Ouija Board: I H A V E A B O Y F R I E N D |
| Co-Op is good for your resume. Sure it might be hard to coop with the workload, but instead of starting a job, you'll be resuming one. |
| Roses are red, Violets ate blue New Yorkers are polite So fuck you too. |
| I saw a documentary on erections... It tackled some really hard subjects. |
| A guy shoots a random man on the street. Cop: "Did you kill this man?" Guy: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed." |
| What do foxes breathe? Foxygen |
| Two wrongs don't make a right... ...just look at your parents. |
| Why did Mel Gibson walk into a bar at 9am? He overslept. |
| Damn my wife is disgusting. I went downstairs to piss in the sink, and it was full of dishes! |
| I just got the lead in a silent film I?m absolutely speechless |
| You know what we think is funny... When I look into the mirror and we both laugh |
| What's the last thing Gable Tostee's Tinder date said to him before walking on his apartment balcony? Cash me ousside, howbow dah? |
| Have you ever had sex while camping? It's fucking intense. |
| What do you call someone who sexually assaults avocados? A Guacamolester Sorry for the shitty taco tuesday joke......not really. |
| Who is the best member of the communist version of the Beatles? John Lenin |
| What do a sÈance and a laxative have in common? They're both used to make things come forth! |
| I just read Trump's book "The Art of the Deal" It had four Chapter 11's. |
| What do you get when you put a contagion in Nevada? Las Plague-as |
| Whoever invented the knock knock joke should receive a no-bell prize |
| So an emo teenager went to grocery store. He went up to the cashier and said, pointing to his scarred arm "Hey, can you scan this?" The cashier then scans the arm, only to say, "I'm sorry sir, but this item is worthless" |
| I was born handsome, charming witty and wise I'm also a compulsive liar, but I think it evens out. |
| Possession is nine-tenths of the law The maxim of daemon lawyers everywhere |
| What do you call a bacterial assassin? Tumerculosis |
| How much is trump's life insurance worth? One Pence |
| How does Chuck Norris flush the toilet? He doesn't. He scares the shit out of it. |
| Trump doesn't seem to have a problem... ...fucking immigrants. |
| Where are the most waffles dropped on the beach? San Diego. |
| Violence is never the answer Violence is the question The answer is yes |
| I had a really successful sex change. I'm having more sex than I did last year. |
| I like my women like I like my underwear Drenched in blood and feces. |
| What does my first car and anal have in common? I didn't want it, but my dad gave it to me anyways. |
| A person goes to r/Jokes And finds nothing but original content |
| I was gunna make a joke but then I took an arrow to the knee |
| An 80s singer caught himself on fire, what does he do? Stop, Drop, and Rick-Roll |
| What furniture store did the murderer shop at? I KEA |
| Can a Toyota stretch? No, but a Mercedes-Benz |
| Knock knock Me: Knock knock! Reddit-user: Who's there? Me: To. Reddit-user: To who? Me: To whom* |
| Trump is that lobster smart enough to get out of the saucepan to turn off the heat! Trudeau is the lobster that reaches out for the seasoning! |
| Why did the Mexican take a Xanax? For Hispanic attacks! |
| Having a religion is like having a penis It's okay to have one, but just don't go around shoving it down people's throats. |
| I wish people would stop saying the husbands of the women who marched didn't get a sandwich that day. Have you seen those women? No way any of them have a husband. |
| Why does China like Trump so much? They built a great wall hundreds of years ago and they still don't have any Mexicans. |
| What do you call a Canadian shoe? A boot. |
| Always borrow money from pessimists. They won't expect you to pay them back. |
| At my high school if idiots could fly... it would be a fucking airport. |
| How do you get an grammer nazi's attention? That. That is how. |
| What did the alien say after anally probing the earthling? I come in peace. |
| I play triangle in a reggae band I just stand at the back and ting |
| What did Doctor Who say to his wife? It's bigger when it's inside. |
| Where do the world's most misleading people go to commit suicide? Sahr Chasm |
| Later tonight I might have consensual sex with my wife. ..if she's up for it. |
| "Ain't" is like a Swiss Army knife It's got a lot of uses but you can't use it in school. |
| Why did the cucumber get embarrassed? Because it saw the salad dressing. |
| Trump discovered the lost spice girl... Stupid Spice |
| People told me getting my girlfriend a refridgerator for her birthday present was a bad idea. But her face lit up when she opened it. |
| I never realized how artistic horses used to be Today someone told me there used to be horse drawn carriages everywhere... |
| Diets are like relationships... They get easier if you allow yourself a cheat day |
| What's the difference between men and women? Boobs Ba dum tits. |
| Why do bulemics like Kentucky Fried Chicken? Because it comes with a bucket. |
| What do you call someone with no body or nose? Nobody knows |
| She flew into a Rage and punched me in the jaw!! "I THOUGHT YOU WERE TAKING ME TO CLNIQUE!! Oh honey no. I said I was taking you to a clinic. |
| So I went to see the doctor the other day And told him that I have a poop problem. Doctor: Okay now tell me what's going on. Me: Everyday I poop at 8:00 in the morning Doctor: Okay so what's the problem Me: I wake up at 9. |
| What's similar between people who comment "have an upvote!" and extreme feminists? Nobody cares about either |
| A man with no carnal desires walks into a Freudian psychoanalyst's office The psychoanalyst stops him and says, "hey, buddy, I'm gonna need to see some id." |
| Buzzfeed Top 10 least conductive items! Number 6 won't shock you |
| What do you call a single black mother? A black widow. |
| Did anyone hear what happened to the paraplegic at the disco? He got kicked out for arsing around |
| Eating pasta by myself.. makes me cannelloni. |
| A pirate walks into a bar... With a ships wheel attached to the front of his pants. The bartender says "Hey captain did you know you have a wheel on your crotch?" The captain growls and says "Arg it's driving me nuts!" |
| To Mexicans: why should you stop exporting cheese to America? Because Trump is Nacho President |
| The weird thing about men is that, as they get older the begin wearing their pants higher and higher. My great-grandpa got so old he had to unzip just to talk to us! |
| Remember, an NAND gate is an AND gate... ... but NOT |
| A blind man walks into a bar.... then a table, and then a chair. |
| Annoying Orange has 5 million subscribers, but has long since reached its peak. Now he's president of the United States. |
| Why didn't the bear have any friends? His personality was unbearable! |
| TIL that the guy who played Captain Kirk has set up a chain of clothing shops especially for older ladies. It's called Shatner Pants |
| My wife asked me where I wanted to be buried. Although I'm pretty sure "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she wanted to hear. |
| An old lady at the bank asked me if I could check her balance So I pushed her over |
| Ever wonder how many puppeteers there are in the world? Probably only a handful! |
| My grandpa has the heart of a lion... which is what happens when there aren't enough organ donors. |
| A cabbie was part of the protest #deleteuber and so he drove to JFK. When he got there no one was around. The protesters were all at the airport but he had shown up at JFK's grave. |
| Whats the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating? Your ears |
| There's an emo in my Web Development class, she's doing a website about jewellery Her first page was /Wrists |
| What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? Halfway. |
| What did batman say to robin before they got in the car? "Get in the car." |
| Ladies and Gentlemen... Madeleine McCann! World Hide and Seek Champion 2007! |
| My wife and I were happy for 20 years Then we met each other. |
| Did you hear about the movie Constipation? It hasn't come out yet. |
| What type of fruit is always complaining about their lack of freedom in society? The Cant-eloupe |
| A man walks into a bar... The man is a muslim and the bar is in the U.S. |
| Sometimes I wish I was a baker. Then I would be rolling in dough. |
| Women are like spaghetti... They're straight until they're wet |
| Sometimes my humour grows so dark, It starts gathering cotton in africa. .. I feel awful now. |
| Betsy DeVos passed her Senate Confirmation hearing... and I, for one, am DeVostated. |
| Love is like a Fart If you've got to force it it's probably shit! |
| I'd hate to grow up to be a geologist. Because I'd always be taken for granite. |
| What did the man say after his Tripod fell down for the fifth time in a row? I can't stand this anymore |
| Donald Trump is a good Christian So then can someone explain why he wrote an executive order that literally would ban Jesus (who comes from the middle east)? |
| What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip |
| the best girlfriend What's the difference between my ex and the titanic? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people. |
| A tranny, Mushit and a black guy are in a burning building and I can only save one of them You kidding me? Why would I risk my life to do that? |
| I saw a girl with 12 nipples the other day.. Sounds funny, Dozen tit? |
| What's a lawyers least favourite PC case. An open case. |
| Republicans love black people! They send millions of them to a place where they get a free room, free rent and a gym membership |
| What does a priest and a silver medalist have in common? They both came in a little behind. |
| What's Jackie Chan's favorite type of car? KIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAA! |
| A nerd joke. Me: look at my graphics card Other person: what's the clock speed Me: it's so high it hertz |
| Why was Hillary Clinton's ass jealous? All the shit was coming from her mouth. |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_7.txt |
|---|
| @@ -0,0 +1,663 @@ |
|---|
| Clown walks into a bar... Clown walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a treehouse." Bartender says, "A treehouse, what's in a treehouse?" Clown says, "Playboys and cigars, of course!" |
| The only difference between group sex and group therapy... is that in group therapy you hear about everyone's problems, and in group sex you see them. |
| I asked my friend who is an American diplomat how life was He said he can't complain |
| After crossing which line in Siberia, can you no longer escape it? The evenk horizon |
| When all else fails... ...make All Else 2. |
| TIL there are 189 countries NOT affected by President Trumps Extreme Vetting Executive Order. I guess 7 isn't that bad. |
| How do you know a dog is better than a wife? Lock them both in the trunk of your car and see who is happier to see you after an hour when you let them out. |
| Yesterday my wife told me I was a selfish lover. I was so shocked I nearly choked on my own cock. |
| From the South, but Not Southern People: You're from the south? But you don't have an accent. Me: I know, my parents put me in school. |
| I misheard the Muslim ban as Muslim band I thought either Donald Trump is really into percussion or I've misunderstood. |
| There's a new antidepressant on the market for lesbians. Trycoxagin |
| How do you get a nun pregnant? You fuck her. |
| What did the doctor say to the midget waiting in the lobby? You're going to have to be a little patient. |
| Breitbart news is a lot like my girlfriend Fake. |
| Once I heard a man talking about a cul-de-sac. Turns out he was an Italian with an STD. |
| Betsy DeVos wants to eliminate trigonometry from school math curricula because it teaches our children to sin |
| According to a recent survey, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy. |
| What I hate most about this subreddit: What I hate most about this subreddit: When the first line is the title. |
| Never tell me friction jokes... I just won't let them slide. |
| What did the bottle say to the glass after a long night? Nothing, they were both shattered. |
| I just don't get why so many Trump supporters are into BBW? Seriously though. His supporters even love that big beautiful Jewish one in Israel. |
| How many "Suh Dude"s does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. It's already lit fam |
| Why was the mushroom invited to the party? Because he's a fungi. Why was he asked to leave the party? Because there wasn't mushroom. |
| I used to date a girl with a lazy eye... but I dumped her because I could never hit the target. Like the carnival game of getting the water in the clowns mouth. |
| Why is the psychic so confident about the predictions she makes for 3 years out? Because she can see what is going to happen in 2020 crystal clear. |
| People told me the blind people's convention was great. I'm not really seeing it. |
| My shelf has been making weird clicking noises since I bought it it might be a Geiger counter |
| A fat Hawaiian man recently converted to Islam Aloha Snack-bar |
| A judge was arrested after ordering a group of crows confined to an insane asylum. What for? Committing a murder. |
| A young couple are showering together A young couple are showering when the girlfriend says, "Honey I want you to do something naughty." The boyfriend agrees. He then proceeds to drop shampoo in her left eye. |
| A skeleton walks into a bar... ...he orders a beer and a mop. |
| What was the cat amputee's reaction to her successful transplant? It gave her pause |
| What do you call an Arab man without any goats? A virgin. |
| A Vegan goes into a Mcdonalds and says 'I'm hungry but I can't eat anything with a face' The manager comes over. "Sir, by the time we serve your food it hasn't GOT a face". |
| What is a hispanics favorite arcade game? Guac-a-mole. |
| Why did the Death Star destroy the planet? For Alderaan reasons |
| What do Ivanka Trump and JFK airport have in common? Donald wouldn't be happy if a muslim entered either of them. |
| what's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator ? The fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out |
| Breaking News: Coup Underway - Trump takes control of senate and declares martial law! Oh wait... That was Palpatine. False alarm. |
| Heard this one shopping at a mom and pop store. Maybe NSFW Store employee: do you know what slaves and coffee have in common? Me: uhhhhhh. Store employee: They're free! As he pointed to their complimentary coffee. |
| What did the earth say to the other planets? Wow. You guys have no life. |
| The wife and I mixed it up a bit last night... We washed the silverware BEFORE the dishes! |
| What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef but you cant pee soup. |
| What's brown and sits in the forest? Winnie's pooh. |
| I think James A. Garfield Presidency was impactful He really trained for it |
| What is the difference between sand and menstrual fluid? It's difficult to gargle sand. |
| Why did the chicken cross the Mobius loop? To get to the other ... errr ... ummm ... wait ... |
| What is the best way to eat a vegetable? Remove the wheelchair first. |
| Mountains aren't just funny, They are hill areas |
| What's the difference between a Syrian chapel and a Turkish terrorist camp? America will let in people from the terrorist camp. |
| What do you call two stoners getting married? A weeding |
| What do you call a Saudi who doesn't care about current events? Living under Iraq. |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the chicks |
| What did the philosophical whisker say to the other? Man, we've really grown far from our roots. |
| It has been said that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However all the league records were destroyed in a fire, so we will never know for whom the Tells bowled. |
| A man just walked into my house and demanded I feed and water him. Offer him all my hospitality and pay him for watching my TV. I told him to back after Brexit. We don't want to do that in out country anymore. |
| How do you stop a dog from humping your leg.. Pic him up and suck on his dick |
| I tied some rope yesterday It was knot that interesting |
| Did you read the menu? 'Cause all I see is me 'n u |
| In Soviet America... Putin elects you. |
| After years of my mom telling me to bond with my stepdad... We finally bonded over a shared annoyance of her forcing us to do bonding activities. I guess you could call it ironic bonding. |
| An Indian man was recently hospitalised after inhaling too many spices... He spent a month in a korma. |
| I was stealing kitchen utensils last night... And I barely made it out without getting caught. But it was a whisk I was willing to take. |
| A man who walked into the the bar... Then he said to the bartender, "I bet you didn't see the second 'the' in the title, did you?" |
| What's the difference between a rooster, and a whore? A Rooster will wake the farmer with "a Cock a Doodle Doo!" whereas a Whore will wake the farmer as "a Any Cock'll Doo!" |
| Vegans are just as bad as non vegans. Stop drinking water, THATS A *FISHES HOUSE* YOU SICK FUCK! |
| Timmy: Is it a sin to wear shorts? They are so comfortable. Catholic Priest: No, I don't think its wrong to enjoy feeling little boys shorts. |
| Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver. |
| Catch me if you can... ...said the phrase to the other phrase |
| How can I invest in the Mexican airline industry? Call me crazy but once this wall goes up I?ve got a gut-feeling I think that?s one industry that will really be taking off. |
| How are new pants like a sub-par mansion? There's no ball room |
| Why did Steve Bannon call Trump supporters working-class hobbits? Because they're friends with grand wizards. |
| I was gonna masturbate to Ellen. But I just wasn't feeling it. |
| What's black and white and red all over? A sunburnt penguin. |
| I'm looking for a joke about a sandwich I saw the other day so I can repost it... Ah, right sub! |
| Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work. |
| I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. Credit to Steven Wright. |
| What is a Sith Lord's favorite drink at the bar? A Palpitini |
| I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself. When the hell did I get a wife? |
| What do you call a pet Ewok that stays inside? An Endor pet |
| What do you call a formula that can predict Al Gore's dance moves? An Al Gore Rhythm algorithm. |
| Life is like toilet paper... You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole. |
| For every dollar that a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents. That's not fair. The man is only left with 30. |
| Genders are like the twin towers There used to be 2 of them, but now it is a sensitive topic. |
| You know what, those protests changed my mind I thought only some of them didn't have jobs but now I think all of the protestors don't have jobs. |
| I came out of the closet to my mom today but she told me I hadn't completely cleaned up so I had to go back in |
| The audible adverts are telling me to feel every word... But that would make me a literal sex offender |
| Speeding ticket Driver: "What am i supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer: "Keep it, When you get four of them, You get a bicycle!" |
| What kind of cookies do monkeys make? Chocolate chimp cookies |
| I brought a large amount of sperm off the internet last night, I shouldn't of done it but you know what they say, Sex cells |
| Potassium texted Sodium asking to go for coffee Sodium just said Na. Potassium replied K. |
| How do blind people learn about sex? The hands on way |
| I went to the doctors I have been having a lot of trouble reading lately so I went to the doctors. After a few tests he gave me a paper with my diagnosis and I apparently have something called "Lexdysia". |
| On my 16th birthday, my family tried to surprised me with a car But they missed |
| When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute... I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date. |
| How to workers at IHOP start their shift? One foot at a time |
| Have you heard about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field. |
| Why are don't black folks go on cruise? They are not falling for that again. |
| #69: (NSFW) Why did the chicken give her anal? To take her to the other side. |
| One week into his administration, Donald Trump's top aide walks into his office... "Sir, your new policies have been a success. We've already deported three Brazilian immigrants!" "Great, there can't be many left then!" |
| An African man was found lying on the ground with a grain of rice next to him in the morning, what happened? He was vomiting the whole night. |
| What do you call an orangutan holding a spoon? I don't know I was asking you |
| Why does everyone think Trump is gonna start WW3? If anything, with today's weaponry he'd start Cold War Part II |
| Who do you not want to see with a tampon? The Kool-Aid Man |
| Why do gamers say "get shit on"? Because they rectum |
| How many times does 34 go into 16? I don't know, ask Joey Buttafuoco. |
| Which is the most curious planet? Tellus |
| Don't be sad Because sad backwards is das, and das is nicht gut |
| The Chinese are celebrating the year of the rooster Meanwhile the Americans are celebrating the year of the cock |
| I'm guessing Trump has been Rick Rolled too many times ... Because he just gave you up, let you down and deserted you. |
| What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. |
| I knew ED stood for Erectile Disfunction. Just realized it also means Executive Disorder. Pretty much the same thing. |
| A man walks into a bar. A man walks into a bar. His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart. |
| I like my women like I like my steak. Dead. |
| TIL I know more words than Shakespeare Shakespeare. Albatross. Conglomerate. Sasquatch. Carnival. I have more... |
| My wife accused me of being immature... So i told her to get out of my fort, because she didn't know the password. |
| Friends Her: -Do you have any friends? Him: -You bet, all seasons, on DVDs. |
| A woman goes into a forest. If a woman goes into the forest and makes a sound, and there isn't a man there to hear her, is she still wrong? |
| Do you ever get that feeling like your being watched? 'Cause if it's bothering you I'll stop. *Edit*: It's supposed to be you're. I'm know I'm stupid. You can stop telling me. |
| Whats better than winning silver in the special olympics? Not being disabled |
| Smoking seriously harms you and others around you So smoke casually for the sake of public health |
| Why does Beyonce sing "To the left, to the left"? Because she has no rights. |
| Why don't you eat pussy in the morning? You ever tried to open a grilled cheese sandwich? |
| What do Tyler1 and the Earth have in common? They're both perpetually tilted. What's the difference between Tyler1 and Earth? Earth isn't toxic to all known life. : ^ ) |
| So I'm studying..... FOR MY PROSTATE EXAM!!! |
| This must be Reddit's most eco-friendly sub... 99% recycled content. |
| A five year old boy was detained at a US airport for hours because he posed a security threat. Makes sense. What better assassin to kill a 5 year old president? Credit: /u/mattholomew |
| "say his TRUE name 3 times with me children!" "Trumpleforeskin! Trumpleforeskin! Trumpleforeskin!" And just like that, the evil troll in the White House crumpled into a pile of dust! |
| Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they don't C# |
| TIFU by accidentally turning on the speakers connected to my pc (porn) instead of turning on the stereo ones... ...whoops, wrong sub |
| What did the egg say to the frying pan? You crack me up! |
| What do you call a Mexican with no protein? No Whey JosÈ |
| I don't know what's worse... Saying "It will only take 10 seconds" to get my wife to sleep with me or the fact that it's true. |
| When The Devil Tries To Buy My Soul I'm Going To Show Him Pure Evil. Going to give him a 40p card charge |
| What does the Japanese Jesus say after praying? Ramen |
| What do you call 2000 mockingbirds? 2kilo mocking birds. |
| I am thinking of selling my vacuum cleaner. Well...it spends all it's day collecting dust |
| What's our boy Donald's favorite instrument? The *trump*et I'll see myself out promptly |
| What did Trump tell Yates? You're fired. |
| A wife is like a hand grenade... Take off the ring and say good bye to your house. |
| Why did the bear have to go to the hospital Because he was bearly alive! |
| What's the difference between Nazi camp and terrorist camp? Concentration required. |
| What's the difference between a comma and a cat? One has a pause at the end of a clause and the other has claws at the end of its paws. |
| Damn girl, your ass is like a treasure chest. Ah thank you. But why? It's well hidden. |
| Wth is a mellon baller? Is that like a cantaloupe with an uzi? |
| I was at a retro night down at the club The DJ played "The Twist", so I did the twist. Then he played "The Macarena", and I did the Macarena. When he played "Come on Eileen", that's when the police arrested me. |
| My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it." Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches. |
| What do you get when you cross a horror film with a reality TV show? The evening news |
| I asked my friend in North Korea how life was He said he can't complain |
| Say what you like about Hitler, because he's dead and can't complain. |
| You know what kind of tree I would be? A knotty Pine |
| On the eighth day God said: -Widescreen is the best for humanity. Sony 16:9. |
| What does opening an ideal bar and making a woman happy have in common? Take care of 2 things, liquor in the front, poker in the back. |
| A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." |
| The other day Jon Snow was talking about Reddit. It turns out he knows kn0thing. |
| What kind of meat does a catholic priest eat on Friday? Nun |
| How do you turn a normal joke into an american joke? Fucking unnecessarily add "fucking" as much as fucking possible. |
| Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin... Do you know how many animals I had to screw to find that out? |
| Buzzfeeds top 10 list of torture methods Number 7 will shock you |
| What does a horny terrorist do? He blows himself. |
| Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. |
| What's the difference between a grandfather clock and your grandma's favourite breakfast? The letter L |
| If you eat a sub sandwich on a submarine, what do you eat on a train? A pastrainmi sandwich. |
| I asked a sailor for directions to a brothel. [NSFW] He pointed to a building and said "Thar she blows" |
| I went to a library and asked for a book on suicide The librarian replied "Fuck off! You won't bring it back!" |
| Yesterday I crashed my car into a midget He got out and said "I'm not happy" I replied "Which one are you then?" |
| What good did the Trump administration do for the American public? Public health. With all the marches Trump triggers, the average American person has never been more fit |
| Science have confirmed that humans can consume extremely poisonous materials and even drink molten lava **Once** |
| I threw my sandal at the light switch to turn it off, but I missed.. It was a complete flip - flop |
| How is this possible? Whenever I say something bad, I get in trouble, but... Whenever Donald Trump says something bad, he gets more supporters!? |
| What's the difference between Soviet Russia and Deadpool? In Soviet Russia, x find you In Deadpool, X Gon' Give It To Ya |
| What's Donald Trumps favorite song? ICE ICE baby |
| One of the cakes is missing from my German cake stall... ... I'm worried that it was stollen. |
| I hate libras Them and their media are destroying this country! |
| Why isn't Batman black? Because then he wouldn't be able to go to a store without Robin'. |
| If you ever feel like your life is meaningless and pointless Just remember that someone out there is fitting indicators on BMWs |
| What do you call a Chinese anti-vaxxer? Wu Ping Coff |
| What's the difference between a circus and a strip club? The circus has cunning stunts. |
| My name is Ezra. Spelling my name is easy... r, a |
| What's the difference between a Pakistani hospital and a terrorist camp? We don't fund hospitals in Pakistan |
| What's brown and sticky? Crap, I forgot the punchline. |
| What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed? Oh Sheeet! |
| Why has nobody heard of the new band 1023 megabits? They don't have any gigs. |
| What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away. |
| What's the difference between Muslim and a terrorist? I don't know, I just sign executive orders. I'll be here all week. |
| Its not a Muslim ban. Trump: "Its not a Muslim ban there are plenty of other Muslim countries that weren't banned. Its definitely not a Muslim ban" Darth Bannon: "No its not but its a good start" |
| Hi do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool! |
| If you were stranded on a desert island, what would you bring with you? I would take one for the team and bring Donald Trump. |
| They say comedy comes from a dark place. That's why farts are so funny. |
| My son told me he's transgender... So that makes me transparent! |
| What's long and hard and full of seamen? A submarine, you pervs. |
| Hi Reddit. I am David Miller, head of the American Lung Foundation. Asthma anything |
| I know how it feels to be a noble gas. No one wants to bond with me. |
| Why do stars make such good comedians? Because they're gas! |
| Does your asshole every get jealous... Of the amount of shit that comes out of your mouth? |
| Dirty I like my women how i like my wood dead and wet |
| What three, two letter words, mean small? Is it in? |
| Did you hear about the two fruits who wanted to run away and get married? Turns out they cantaloupe. |
| What's an oyster's favorite band? Pearl Jam. |
| January is national stalking awareness month... That crept up on my fast |
| Arguing with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement In the end, you ignore everything and click "I Agree". |
| A Mexican man has been running away from the cops for 3 days... The authorities stated that he is a Juan-ted man |
| If a centi-peed a pint, how much would a precipice piss? A sheer drop. |
| I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday... A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read. |
| I'm reading an interesting book about Electromagnetic Levitation I can't put it down |
| I can think of one benifit global warming might bring... LA will be under water if we keep it up. |
| The Mexican cartel asked a hacker for help Hacker: Sorry guys, I can't crack this. |
| Has anyone tried... Turning Donald Trump off and then on again? |
| BREAKING: Messi has just been substituted by a noob player, these are the words of the coach post-game! "Ah woops, wrong sub" |
| Today I beat my addiction I'm addicted to my wife. |
| Where did Ed's girlfriend go? Sheeran away |
| Whats the difference between a seatbelt and a condom? One of them prevents lives being **lost** in an accident and the other prevents lives being **made** in an accident. |
| Yoda was scared of 7 because..... 6, 78. |
| TIFU by eating my friend's sandwich wrong sub |
| I asked my Mexican friend if he was upset about Trump's wall... He said, "Eh, I'll get over it." |
| Breaking: Spelling Bee Official Pronounced Dead. He then used it in a sentence. |
| [NSFW] How many times in your life have you masturbated? Beats me |
| Did you hear? The toilet was stolen at my local police station. The cops have nothing to go on. |
| They say America runs on Dunkin... That's why I always risk my life crossing 3 busy lanes of traffic for my large iced, extra extra. |
| Today Trump consulted his alter ego about lifting the ban.. Yep, Bannon. |
| NSFW-My wife asked me to spice things up in the bedroom Apparently pouring cayanne pepper up her snatch isn't what she had in mind. |
| What's the difference between a dead baby and a apple? I don't ejaculate on a Apple before I eat it. |
| Have you heard that joke about Helen Keller? Don't worry, she didn't, either. |
| What?s the difference between a gold-plated Ferrari and free-range chicken ranch? The chicken ranch has the cocks on the outside. |
| I hate talking with Jewish people It really takes me out of Mein Kampfort zone! |
| Have you heard about the hobo gangster? Word on the street is he's roofless. |
| Who has killed more indians than John Wayne? Union Carbide Corporation |
| What do you call the front page political tooting on reddit? Trumpit |
| Age is just a number... wrong, its a word |
| Playing Pinball at an Arcade I was playing pinball while in an arcade, I guess I was doing good because a little kid was watching me. My ball got stuck, and the kid saw, and shook the machine causing the game to think I was cheating. I was so tilted. |
| "Hold my beer." -2017 |
| We, the American people have a great sense of humor. Have you seen our President? |
| Someone stole my mood ring, And I don't know how to feel about it. |
| A fish went swimming. And it drowned. *My 4 year old daughter has just told me her first "joke". She finds it hilarious. "You get it? Fish cant drown. Thats funny!" I'm worried.. |
| What's the difference between a Taliban Outpost and a Pakistani School? I don't know, why don't you ask the 50 drone pilots on this sub? |
| What is a pirates favorite toy?? Aarrrh sea boats. |
| I like my women how I like my ice cream... Rich, thick, and occasionally headache-inducing. |
| What do you get when you cross professor trelawney with human rights issues? American sybill liberties union |
| Anybody see that movie about the dog who befriends a dolphin? A Dog's Porpoise |
| Can't find any batteries for my vibrator What a buzz kill! |
| Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it. |
| The sandwich walked into the bar The sandwich walked into the bar. It sat on the counter and asked for a banana. The waiter said, "Sorry Sir, we don't serve food here." |
| Have you heard about the new movie where Donald Trump becomes a bug? It's called "President Weevil" |
| How many members of a given ethnic group does it take to change a lightbulb? A finite number! One to to change the bulb, the rest to act in a manner stereotypically derogatory to their ethnicity! |
| On Pokemon Go, I caught a rare Pepe the Frog. It unexpectedly evolved into Pee Pee the President... It learned Water Gun, Heal Block, and Can't Escape. |
| Why is a Cadillac like a Woman? Cause when it's cold in the morning and you need them the most....they won't turn over.........z |
| Have you heard the people who pronounce 'Pangea' with a hard 'g' instead of the soft one? For the confused, I'm talking about consonantal drift. |
| What's a ninja's favorite band? Five Finger Death Punch |
| Did you know using too many commas is now illegal.... You can end up with a very lengthy sentence. |
| You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody? That's common sense leaving your body. Edit: now I know what people mean when they say "RIP inbox". |
| What did the moose say after leaving a gay bar??? Man, I cant believe i just blew 50 bucks in there |
| Who was Bill Cosby's favorite character in the 1991 film "Hook"? RUFIO! RUFIO! RU-FI-OOO! |
| I used to wear polarized glasses until I released they made me focus too far to the left or the right... |
| So the creator of Pac Man died today... I guess he's the ghost now. |
| What do spinach and hard anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult. |
| If John Cena stars in a cooking show,what would it be called? Snackdown Live |
| What comes after 69? Mouthwash |
| You're so fat That when you were born there was a birthquake. |
| I like my women how I like McAfee antivirus Disabled. |
| Why did the pie go to the dentist? It needed a filling. |
| I'm a man of strong convictions. The District Attorney in this town is pretty good. |
| I'm dating a palm tree. It's nothing serious though. Just fronds with benefits. |
| What's black and white and red all over? The slowest zebra on the prairie. |
| What to you call an Asian lady's private parts? A vachina. |
| There was a blackout in neighborhood last night... Police told us to wait until they shot him. |
| What does Kellyanne Conway eat for lunch? Alternative snacks |
| I heard Starbucks is trying to hire a lot more refugees Those poor art majors are going to suffer, then |
| A brother and sister are fucking in her room when their dad walks in... And says, "You slut, you're just like your mother!" |
| Yesterday a clown held the door open for me I thought it was a nice jester |
| When asking a basic white girl if she wants some Starbucks, the short answer will always be "yas" The long answer is probably going to be "yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas" |
| Nintendo Switch to PC. |
| Whats got 2 legs and bleeds? half a cow. |
| What should the real name for a colonoscopy be? A colonoscopoo. |
| After the recent political events all my friends were like "we're going to rally" And I was like why are you going to North Carolina there's nothing to do there it's so boring. |
| Anyone ever try Canadian Bacon? I hear it's the nicest bacon around. |
| What's the difference between Harry Potter's best friend and his pot? Nothing, they're both cauldron. |
| I just read a funny joke about the movie Ground Hog Day... I just read a funny joke about the movie Ground Hog Day... |
| What do a lover and an electric guitar have in common? You'll get a lot of feedback if you're not fingering them correctly. |
| How are morbidly obese people and child molesters alike? Both want to get into smaller pants. |
| What d'you get if you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito? You can't cross a scalar with a vector. |
| How do drug dealers get punished by Islamic-Extremist Terrorist in the Middle East? They get stoned. |
| The guy who used to bully me in middle school still takes my lunch money. On the other hand, he makes great Subway sandwiches. |
| I wanted to study Computer Science but then I stopped... Turns out its just a sudo science. |
| What's the difference between a oral and rectal thermometer? The taste |
| What's the difference between someone who makes wooden furniture and someone who does paint jobs? One is a carpenter and one is a car painter |
| At this point... AIDS is worried about testing positive for Trump. |
| How do spiders find significant others? They use a web-based dating service. |
| A man with intellectual difficulties is in a basement staring at the door. Downstairs at the door. |
| What do you tell a German who wants to know the time? Nine. |
| Little Johnny: Mommy, what's a transsexual? Mom: I think you should ask Aunt Dave that question. |
| I got in touch with my inner self today. Thats the last time I'm buying 1 ply toilet paper at the dollar store. |
| I have the body of a 20 year old model, But it takes up too much room in my freezer. |
| I tried to cheer my mentally challenged friend up... ...but I guess I shouldn't have said "Don't let an extra chromosome get you down." |
| How is called the president of a packaging company? The Boxx |
| What's the difference between a normal shower and a golden shower? I don't drink everything that comes out of the spout of a normal shower. |
| Why was Peach mad at Mario? He forgot to delete his Bowser history. |
| What do you call someone with a rubber toe? Roberto |
| [NSFW] what did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip. |
| How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? One |
| TIL that Fedex is soon to acquire rival company UPS. After the merger it will be called Fed-Up! |
| What do you call a particularly crabby Chinese grandma? A crust-asian. ^(I'm sorry....) |
| What does a pimp use to water his plants? Hoes |
| What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaayyyy What does a black horse eat? Hay motherfucker! |
| Why did the duck go to rehab? (Different answer than normal) He wanted to quack down on his drug usage. |
| So a priest walks into a bar... Looks at the ugly walls, and says to the bartender: "My son, you must repaint". |
| My girlfriend said she was "Bi". Little did I know she meant bipolar... |
| Why was the father of a transgender invisible? Because he was a transparent! |
| You look like Helen Brown. I look better in blue. |
| I JUST SAW A SEA COW CHANGING COLOR!! OH THE HUE MANATEE!! |
| Food is like dark humor Not everyone gets it. |
| A guy walks into a bar... Ouch. |
| Do you want to here a joke about the Jonestown Massacre? It has quite the Punch Line. edit: *hear. I blame autocorrect. |
| Whats the differebce between an Afghani Military Base and a Pakistani Elementary School? I don't know, I just fly the drone. |
| How is light beer like having sex in a canoe on the river? Both are fucking close to water. |
| Why can't a blonde dial 911? She can't find the 11. |
| What did Gordon Freeman experience when he turned 40? A Half Life crisis. |
| If you have to work tomorrow, call in sick. If your boss says "Well you don't sound sick." Say, "Well I'm fucking my sister; that sound sick enough for ya?" |
| There comes a time in a man's life when he has to choose: either stand up for what he believes, or stay down on his knees. On mass, that time comes about a hundred times, and the decision is always made out of peer pressure. |
| [Politics] Trump: 'The less immigrants we bring in the better' Pence: 'The fewer' Trump: 'I told you not to call me that yet' |
| How many Poles need to cut tree? 96 and a plane. |
| what's the difference between a black man and a box of donuts one of them's already full of holes before the cops see them |
| What's the best computer for producing music? A Dell. |
| Why didn't the Cannibal eat the Politician? Because he was full of shit. |
| I was going through my wardrobe, trying to select a suit for my grandmother's funeral. I said, "What shall I wear?" "I don't really care," said my mum. "As long as you don't you stick out." It's not easy being a necrophiliac. |
| Did you know that Trump is writing a book? It's called "My Struggle" |
| My son didn't want to study So I teached him a lesson |
| Who built King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference |
| It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious. |
| Here's to virgins Thanks for fucking nothing. |
| Someone gave a handjob to Albert Einstein... What a stroke of genius! |
| What do you call a black guy eating KFC? A bandwagonner. |
| Q: Why did God invent colour blindness? A: So someone will fancy the ginger kids. |
| People always ask me what my wife does for a living, but it's just too hard for me to say. You see... She sells sea shells by the sea shore. |
| What would the Greek gods have been like without their leader? Zeusless. |
| Trump Executive Order #16 Trump: From now on, 2+2 will equal 5. Reuters: But that can't be right, 2+2=4. We proved that, too! Trump: You can say 2+2=4, but this is alternative math. |
| I've got an annoying habit of quoting Elton John lyrics... ...I hope you don't mind. |
| Have you read Donald Trump's book, The Art of the Deal? It has four chapter 11s. |
| Quitting smoking is sooooo easy, I do it all the time. |
| My wife called me at work today. "Honey, do you want to come home at lunch for a quickie?" "Sarah, it's pronounced Quiche." |
| What did Guinevere say to king Arthur after sex? "You Camelot". |
| Imagine there was a government agency called Planned Parenthood that euthanized old racists. |
| Women are turning into good drivers! So if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning! |
| A Buddhist asks a hot dog vendor to "Make me one with everything." The Buddhist gives him a fifty and the vendor just pockets it. The Buddhist asks for change and the vendor replies, "Change comes from within." |
| My favorite english writer is Dickens JK Rowling |
| Armageddon Knocking Knock! Knock! Who's there? Armageddon . . . Hello? Knock knock! Um ... who's there? Armageddon!! . . . Hello? Knock! Knock! Um ... who's there? ARMAGEDDON! Um ... Armageddon who? ARMAGEDDON tired out here! Open the GOD-DAMNED door!! |
| Many people say we are what we eat Yet the same people say that cannibals act like animals. |
| What is Donald Trump's favorite video game? *Papers, Please* |
| What's a Ghosts favorite porn? Boo-Kake |
| A hotel owner, radio host, and a banker walk into the situation room. Fuck. |
| My girlfriend was sad that her dog died so I went out and got her an identical dog Then she said "what the hell am I going to do with two dead dogs? |
| Had a blood test the other day. I did really well, A+ |
| Life found on Mars!! The rover Curiosity found what appears to be an early marsupial ancestor of the American possum. Unfortunately, the rover Opportunity ran over it the day before. |
| No matter how good are you doing something There's always an asian that can do it with eyes closed. With love, An auto-racist Asian |
| What is this new band everyone is talking about? Some muslim band is all over the news! |
| I'm torn: on the one hand, I absolutely hate xenophobia, sexism, and racism on the other hand, orange is my favorite color. |
| What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller |
| A grape threw a huge outdoor party on a hot, sunny day... It was raisin' the roof. |
| Two prisoners wanted to escape prison... But there were a 100 fences between them and freedom, they decided to jump the fences. when they had jumped 99 fences one of them says "i'm tired, let's go back". |
| How do you know a rapper was raised by lesbians? "Yo I gotta give a shoutout to my moms." |
| I'm going to set up a Kickstarter for all the trump protestors... Not to donate to them, for them to donate to me. That way I can afford to take off work and do something as meaningful...like rocket league or GTA online |
| Middle East theme song oh ohhhh... I'm an alien... I'm a legal alien... I am Iranian getting kicked out of New York... |
| I asked my Biology professor if he had any patients. He didn't seem too thrilled with me after that... |
| I'm an auto mechanic... So I can safely say I don't understand the gay agenda. But I do understand the Trans mission. |
| A father was reading a Bible story to his young children He said: ?The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.? His son asked, ?What happened to the flea?? |
| What would happen, if IT technic became a doctor? Patient: I can't bend my knee. Doctor: [*bends his knee*] Weird, works fine for me. |
| What's mexican for fucked ? Deported |
| I finally convinced mom to watch anime to prove it's not childish and immature at all. But it's weird to watch hentai with your parents. |
| I finished eating lunch No joke just wanted to tell someone. |
| Where can I buy donkey hide as a gift? Ass skin for a friend |
| What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a terrorist camp? I don't fucking know I'm just a drone pilot |
| What do you call an elf that won't shut up? Gobby. |
| AN ODD TALE There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died. Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd." |
| When I was young I asked my mum what a couple was she said,"oh two or three." And she wonders why her marriage didn't work. |
| I walked into a bar... and I said to the Bartender: *Bartender, may I please have a Rum and Coke?* The bartender replied: *I'm sorry, we only have Pepsi, is that okay?* I replied: *That's fine.* So he poured me a Pepsi and Coke. |
| I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey. But I turned myself around. |
| What's the difference between American Women and Muslim Women? The American Women gets stoned before she has sex |
| Why were there so many protestors in CA this weekend? Because they were able to turn all that new water into whine. |
| Two muffins are in the oven. One muffin says to the other "It sure is hot in here". The other exclaims " AHHHH! A talking muffin!" |
| I've searched high and low for my brother's killer but nobody is willing to do it. |
| Menstruation jokes aren't funny. They're bloody hilarious! |
| My new bank is awesome. It's called condensation savings and loan. They give credit where credit is dew. Edit: typo. |
| My wife and I made a deal that whoever woke up first on our anniversary, would have to wake the other with oral sex... I still don't know why she woke up screaming with my dick in her mouth. |
| Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump-dump-dump! |
| Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence. |
| What's the difference between a thief and a comedian? At least thieves are known for stealing other people's shit. |
| called UPS in Germany today to ask when they were shipping my Oculus Rift they said "VR ready" |
| According to the Chinese Zodiac it is the Year of the Cock. So it makes perfect sense that Donald Trump is president. |
| Little Johnny: "Grandma, make a sound like a Frog." Grandma: "Why?" Little Johnny: "Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak." |
| I'm about to eat lunch. No joke just wanted to tell someone. |
| Why don't black people go on cruises? They're not falling for that one again! |
| My wife's ass smells like sardines and old milk. I'm not joking. |
| Women are like grapes. Some age like fine wine. Some age like raisins. |
| I did some shrugs in the gym. After someone asked me, "What are you doing here?" |
| How does the karate kid train with his girlfriend? Wax on, fap off. |
| A muslim walks into US Just kidding |
| If God called your cell phone, would you answer? Yes, but only to ask why my dick is so small.... Why God Whyyyyyyyyy why do I have such a small dick!? |
| I could never go to acting school... There's way too much drama. |
| Life is like a box of chocolates... ...You're probably not going to finish it all if you're diabetic. |
| what is the stupidest animal in the jungle? The Polar Bear... |
| What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros? Hell if I know. Edit: 'Elephino. |
| What's Batman's favourite PokÈmon? Cubone, because they both don't have parents :( |
| My wife was wondering if we should wash dishes by hand, in order to save a little money. I figure that using the dishwasher uses more electricity, but less water. So overall it's a wash. |
| Why did the Triceratops die out? Because they couldn't find any Tricerabottoms. |
| As Dumbledore stood there stroking his wand Harry regretted transferring to Catholic School |
| What's the difference between a pizza and a hoe? You don't pick the crust off a pizza before you eat it |
| Becoming a vegetarian... Is a huge missed steak. |
| Before my Girlfriend moved in I had one night stand... Things are getting pretty serious, we now have two night stands. |
| Why do feminists hate the postal service? Because they deliver straight white mail. |
| There are 10 types of people in this world The ones who understands binary and the ones who don't. |
| A stoned bird A stoned bird was flying when it hit a moving car. The driver stopped, found the bird and took it home to treat it. When the bird is awake in his new cage, he looked around and thought: the jail?!! Did the driver die? |
| What school did Darth Vader attend? Univer-sith-y ... I'll let myself out. |
| If history has taught us anything, then it the fact that human beings cant take care of the world and its all down to shit. So let's try a monkey to govern us all - every Trumpling |
| My wife messed with my charging cable... I was shocked. |
| What did one hat say to the other? You stay here, I'm going on ahead. |
| Ocean's 8 is expected to come out in late 2017 but probably won't be ready until at least 30 minutes after that |
| What do you call your Japanese wife? A rice cooker. |
| What is the difference between M&Ms and America? M&M got rid of the tan ones years ago |
| If the green man lives in the green house, the red man lives in the red house and the blue man lives in the blue house. Who lives in the white house? The orange man |
| How did the Chinese Vicar introduce herself? By singing "I'm Asian Grace." |
| How do you elope? You can't. |
| Why was Hadrian so popular? Because he built a huge wall to keep the invaders out. |
| Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They are making headlines. |
| What would you call it if Natalie Portman starred in Lorenzo's Oil? Lack Schwann |
| I was a smoker for 10 years until I decided to quit cold turkey I never thought to heat it up. |
| My dad told me about the birds and the bees today... Then he gave me a broom and told me to clear them out of the attic. |
| What did one earthquake say to the other? Was that your fault or mine? |
| Snow Day! I get to stay home owl day. It's gonna be a hoot. |
| I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta Now it's a Ford Focus |
| As a terrorist what would Willy Wonka scream before he carried out an attack? Nougat Chocolatebar! |
| Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field =? |
| What is Trumps favorite movie? Minority Report! |
| Donald Trump always has his partner be on top during sex. Because he can only fuck up. |
| Our son was a by-product of a raunchy night in the back of a car. With one very open-minded taxi driver. |
| I went to the local store and I asked... "How much for a dead battery?" I asked. He responded, to my delight. No charge. |
| Some newspapers and celebs have compared Trump to Hitler... Nazi's are outraged. |
| What does a stripper do with her asshole everyday before work? Drops him off at band practice |
| My girlfriend was unhappy that I referred to her as sloppy seconds but she was even more unhappy with Lady Leftovers |
| What did the seal go to school for? Art art art! |
| What kind of bagel can fly? A plain bagel. |
| Most people have a family tree, but I have a family cactus. Because mine is full of pricks. |
| How to fix America? Unplug the power cord wait 10 seconds, plug it back again. See if it works. |
| Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy? No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills |
| How do you know when you're at a gay picnic? NSFW All the hotdogs taste like shit |
| I once dated a biologist. I don't like to brag, but I always provided her with multiple organisms to keep her happy. |
| Capitalism has many problems but communism only has 3 - Breakfast - Lunch - Dinner |
| Facebook, I am not a social media person. Facebook: But- Me: FACEBOOK, I AM NOT A SOCIAL MEDIA PERSON. YOU ARE REFUSING TO HELP. GOODBYE. *Deletes Facebook, hits the gym, lawyers up, checks himself into psych ward* |
| Birds for sale... All of them are going cheap! |
| Why Didn't Gandhi's Broken Arm Repair? Because he fought the Caste system |
| Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing. |
| "Give it to me! Give it to me! I'm so wet!" She screamed. "No," I replied, "it's my umbrella." |
| Scientists have finally ruled out cats from any upcoming Mars missions cuz curiosity! |
| For sale: Second hand toilet paper. |
| Double Negatives ...are no-nos. |
| What do you call the strongest day of the year? The Summer Swollstice |
| What do you call a dildo traveling through space at the speed of light? Genital warps. |
| I've attended anger management classes before... ... it was soon after my dads first Alcoholics Anonymous group. "Dad," I said, "there are a lot of angry people." My dad replied, "There are a lot of angry drunks, too!" |
| What kind of photo doesn't dissolve in water? A non-Polaroid. |
| Do you know what a girl says when she gets a big dick inside her? no ? neither do I. |
| Doctor : How is your headache? Man : She is fine. |
| Why don't people like communists? Because they have no class |
| Why was the blondes belly button all red and bruised? Because her BF was a blonde too. |
| Our local brothel just went out of business... all they left us was a sign in the window... Said "Beat it... we're closed" |
| I hate restaurants that have quirky and confusing ways of displaying men and woman bathroom signs. I mean, what am I?!? Am I a kitchen or an exit? |
| What's the difference between Donald Trump and Donald Duck? There is a human being inside of Donald Duck. |
| I called my son "a bloody disappointment to this family", and my wife burst into tears Apparently I shouldn't joke about miscarriage. |
| My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible I didn't even know it was her birthday! |
| Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!" |
| Where do lesbians like to camp? In a femi-nest. |
| I didn't understand why Obama had to give speeches behind bulletproof glass, I mean he's black and all but I doubt he would have shot anyone. |
| What does a rich Iraqi say at a bar mitzvah? Mosul Toff! |
| What is the worst Israeli senior citizens resort? Jewrassic Park |
| What's a four letter word pertaining to females ending in -unt? Aunt! |
| A 16 year old blonde is dinning with her parents Blonde: Oh by the way I¥m pregnant Parents (simultaneously): You¥re WHAT!?! Blonde: Geez relax and eat a chill pill, I¥m not even sure it¥s mine |
| One chemist tells his colleague: "Dude, I created a superconductive alloy out of Potassium, Nobelium and Tungsten!! I'm going to make millions off of it!" The other chemist, jealous, says with a sigh,"Yes, I KNoW." |
| What's the fastest thing on land? Stevie Wonder's speedboat |
| My pencil isn?t prone to making Freudian Slips but my penis |
| A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone. The husband is surprised, "Wow, that was quick - usually you girls are at it for two hours at least!" "Yeah, well, it was a wrong number." |
| Big explosion at the cheese factory earlier.... There was de brie everywhere. |
| There's a new Indian open on a boat on the canal round corner from my house... ...It's called the Onion Barge. |
| My grandpa has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the local zoo |
| My grandma and I were face timing with a bad connection So she says, "hold on, let me open the door to let some WiFi's in." True stories can be jokes too.. |
| There is a movie about premature ejaculation Coming Soon, now in theaters. EDIT: Just let me try again changing a couple of words EDIT 2: I swear this is the first time that this has happened |
| What do Donald Trump and Gordon Ramsay have in common? They both have a cabinet full of potatoes. |
| I think my wife has a blind fetish... Last night she said she doesn't think we should see each other anymore. |
| What's it called when you cut off Leonardo DiCaprio's head DiCapritation |
| I like military puns Generally, they're very funny. |
| A blind man walks into a bar... And a table... then a chair... |
| Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral But not my Sister. |
| Someone stole my mood ring... I'm not sure how I feel about that.... |
| Many people say a diploma is just a piece of paper. I as an educated person beg to differ It's a piece of cardboard. |
| To some people, the words "Do Not Touch" leave them terrified Especially when it's written in Braille. |
| I hate those cocky Russian Nesting dolls They are always full of themselves |
| Volkswagon were pretty dumb to name one of their cars 'Golf' Why name a car after a slow and boring sport where the hardest part is driving |
| Did you hear the one about the lovelorn college professor? He always put the course before the heart. |
| A video of a groundbreaking bowler goes viral He still had to pay to fix the bowling lane though |
| At the disco: "So whats a cute girl like you doing all by herself?" "I had to fart" |
| Why did Matt get a Ticket? He's a speed Damon. |
| And the Lord said onto John... "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life" But John came fifth, and got a toaster... |
| Two fish swim into a concrete wall One turns to the other and says, "Dam!" |
| Two muffins are standing in an oven Two muffins are standing in an oven, One turns to the other and says; "Boy, sure is hot in here." To which the other one replies; "OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!" |
| Reddit is a really green community, ...considering all the recycled content on here. |
| What do you call a Mexican Midget? A paragraph because he's too short to be an ese |
| What do you call beautiful people in india ? Tourist |
| Roses are red, violets are blue. When it comes to flower colours, the person who made this has no clue. |
| A black guy wakes up from a coma He asks what happened. The nurse says "You blacked out" |
| A man named Eric Cole... ... discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes. He's calling this correlation Cole's Law. |
| The girl i am dating, slapped me and told me to fuck off. Told her she was a gold-digger.. Apparently, that's not a good way to call someone who work in mines, digging gold. |
| Go Karting with a Muslim coworker Muslim coworker: We should organise a go karting day out, I went on the weekend and it was really fun! Dan: That's a good but isn't it dangerous? Jack: As long as you don't go in Ram-a-dan. |
| Donald Trump is our first POSOTUS Peice Of Shit Of The United States. |
| Recently a new casino opened in Tokyo (Japan)... It is called "Pokermon Go" |
| A man with 2 extra testicles removed them himself with a knife without anaesthesia Doing that takes some balls |
| How can you tell if a hamburger was grilled in space? It's a little meteor. |
| "I'm not cumin!" Said Caraway. |
| I've done jail time for my love of fruit.. I'm a convicted grapist. |
| Tobacco companies kill their best customers And condom companies kill their future customers. |
| Why wouldn't the lobster share his toys? Because he was... shellfish. hahahaha |
| A sandwich and a kit Kat walk into a bar at 9-31..... ....barman says "I'm sorry, we don't serve snacks after 9pm" |
| What is Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 |
| A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman - "Which book has helped you most in your life?" The woman replied - "My husband's cheque book !! |
| Why did the company fire all of its Liberal employees and hire a bunch of illegal immigrants and Muslim refugees? The illegal immigrants and Muslim refugees actually came to work while all the Liberals shirked work to go hold signs and shout at people. |
| I was asked how I view lesbian relationships Apparently 'in HD' isn't the correct answer. |
| Shortest joke a software developer can tell: ?I?ll be ready soon.? |
| What you can get with 57 000¨? A home for a refugee. Or a shit ton of beer |
| Matthew McConaughey set to guest edit Breibart news next week Alt-Right Alt-Right Alt-Right |
| What place is cleaner when Israeli Tourists get out than when they get in? A Hotel Room. |
| Jack,"Our relationship is over." Jane,"Our relationship is what? Over." |
| "Hand me downs" Apparently not the right way to ask the wife to hand me our disabled baby. |
| What's this I hear about a new Muslim band?? Is this something kind of explosive death metal! |
| Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable |
| What is Donald Trump's favorite word in Sign Language ddfffffddffddfffddffddddfffff |
| What's the difference between Hitler and Trump? The mustache. |
| Teacher: whoever answers ............. Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I?m going home now. |
| My mom won't let me eat while using her laptop anymore... Because when she caught me stroganoff I dropped my pennes on the keyboard. |
| The electromagnetic wave arrived at the hotel, when the hotelier asks... "Do you have any baggage to check in?" - "No, I'm traveling light." |
| I fell asleep at a party I fell asleep at a party the other night and someone put a teabag in my mouth. I went fuckin mental. No one treats me like a mug |
| My gay friend really despises of fruit He cannot stand the sight of a mango. |
| The different between Donald Trump and Hitler If anybody can think of one! Pm me and I'll write it in this little space here -----> [ ] |
| I asked my shrink what we could work on to deal with my grandma's passing. She said mourning would help. I said, "No thanks, I'm married." |
| A lot of folks are concerned that Trump is president given the status of minorities. But don't forget: Orange be the new black, baby. |
| Why was the diamond depressed? He had been under a lot of pressure lately. |
| GNU/Linux can't run Photoshop.. unless you offer it WINE. Else you will remain stuck with a GIMPed system. |
| I finally got the "why did the chicken cross the road" joke The chicken dies and goes to the other side... it took me 19 years to get that joke... |
| What so you call an actor who paid of his house Mortgage freeman (i know its bad) |
| We need immigrants to do jobs that Americans don't want to do... As two thirds of Trump's wife are immigrants |
| I got asked why I don't have a girlfriend... "Don't need one" I replied "My bank account goes down on me everyday" |
| Pirate walks into a bar Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender says "Hey Mr. Pirate, ya know you have a steering wheel in your pants?" Pirate says "Yarrrrr, it's driving me nuts." |
| We never saw it coming. Psychiatrist: You have paranoid schizophrenia. Patient: Who! Me or me? |
| Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours. - Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour. As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says: - Gorgonzola! - Wait, it is not on yet. |
| I tried to give myself a sex change... ...but I couldn't pull it off. |
| Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field. |
| What's the difference between a tiny penis and a joke? My date didn't laugh at my jokes. |
| Did you hear about the Italian that died? He pasta way |
| Why cant you play cards on a rowboat? Because you're sitting on the deck... |
| Whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face. |
| Miss France just won Miss Universe The French finally won something. |
| Doctor: Hi, how are you? Patient: I'm well thanks. Doctor: Then get the fuck out. |
| Why did Carrie Fisher cross the road? She didn't... She's dead. |
| A close friend of mine asked me "What do you look for in a girl?" And I said "My dick, and if it's not there then that's gonna change." |
| People don't realize Trump is the healthiest president in our history. He's been training his whole life to run the aryan race. |
| What's the difference between a bag of coke and a toddler Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of coke fall out a window |
| How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her |
| When I grow up and have kids... I think I will stay a virgin to set a good example. |
| Stop it with the 9/11 jokes, my dad died in 9/11 His last words were "Allahu Akbar" |
| Trump's wives were immigrants. Proving again that immigrants will do jobs Americans won't. |
| Guy runs out of gasoline. Nearest gas station in 20 miles out, so he unzips and fills up with pee. Cop driving by stops him and asks is this normal? nope its super. . |
| Why don't you ever see a crow as roadkill? They always have another crow as a lookout saying "car, car, car" |
| Breaking news...Justin Trudeau just announced a plan to build a wall between the US and Canada, with the US paying for the fence. ...yeah just as fucking stupid as as it sounds:( |
| My girlfriend is like the square root of -100 A perfect 10, but completely imaginary. |
| What gets wetter the more it dries? "What?", says the interrogation suspect. "Not this." |
| I said to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hairback Apparently thats an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient |
| North Korea bans sarcasm What a great idea! |
| What do you call a difficult problem in chemistry? A chemystery. |
| Why aren't we letting Islamic people get off at airports? I thought we wanted to keep them off our planes, not on them. |
| Just got back from Chernobyl And boy are my legs arms! |
| What did OSHA say about this joke? NSFW |
| A sodium ion went to rob a bank. It was charged, without a doubt. |
| What did the Kool-aid man say about Donald Trump's proposal? OH Yeaaaaaaa! |
| What's brown and sticky? A stick. I wood've thought of something more original, but I tree-ly can't be bothered, so here you go. |
| You know what the worst part is about dating a Japanese girl? If I ever decide to break up with her I will have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message |
| There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny. |
| What do all pharaohs have in common? Toot. |
| Today I went to the protest The protesters aren't going to mace themselves |
| How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but how in the hell did they get in there? |
| A traveling companion. A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and orders, "I'll have a pint, please. And one for the road." |
| Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I" Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. |
| How dare you say I'm dumb! Would a dummy get a 'A' on there IQ test? Hmm? |
| I think these protesters are sending the wrong message... because they keep telling me to Love Trump's Hate. |
| One of the most important skill my parents taught me is... How to tell what is junk mail and real mail. |
| Trump says "The less immigrants we let into our country the better!" Pence, correcting Trump, says "The Fewer" Trump says "Whoa Mike don't call me that just yet" |
| If there's a sock on my doorknob... It means I'm having sex with the other one. |
| A country that shares borderlines with 10 other countries cannot be entered because it is made of limits |
| Mike Rowe Penis Women have told me I have a Mike Rowe penis. I guess it must be because they think it's pretty strong and does dirty jobs... but I think it's a little small myself. |
| Two guys sit at a bar... One says to the other "I've got really bad news." "What is it?", the friend replies. "I'm HIV positive". "Really?!, that's terrible. Is there anything I can do?". "Yea, can you tell your wife as soon as you get home". |
| The orphanage i run, burned down today with the lives of sixty children Thank fuck i don't have to tell their parents .... |
| Back in my day we used to only have chalkboards. The new whiteboards they use are Remarkable |
| I rather have a bottle of soda for President than Donald Trump. This way, we could truly have a Liter of the Free World. |
| Next time somebody calls your home phone... Say "Can I call you back? I'm driving." |
| A man asked me, which is worse, ignorance or apathy? I told him, "I don't know, and I don't care." |
| All of these reposts are like kids with cancer They never get old. |
| Which is better a stool or a box to stand on? You stand on a stool, though I prefer the ladder |
| I called the ASPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road "Are they moving?" asked the operator "Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase" |
| Pasteurize: Too far to see. |
| What do you call a Pokemon who is trying to quit smoking? Vaporeon |
| Going to work My boss told me yesterday, ?Don?t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want?. But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, the bastard said I was fired. |
| What do alcoholics and necropheliacs have in common? They both love to crack open a cold one. |
| In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better. |
| Whats more offensive than black face? Orange face. |
| Favorite math topics of Karma Whores Multiplication and derivatives |
| Photons aren't Catholic. No mass. |
| It's like we're living in a video game... "President Evil" |
| My girlfriend told me I look "uncool" with a bike helmet on.. Well you know I'd rather look uncool than fall and split my head open during sex. |
| Mary Tyler Moore died this week. She didn't make it after all... |
| Two old friends are camping. [nsfw] In bed, in the dark : "Are you jerking off? -Yeah. -Would you mind jacking your own dick?" |
| A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns... But I soon realized that toucan play at that game |
| How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's an obscure number. You've probably never heard of it. |
| My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic... But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord. |
| I had a cocaine? joke, but now I can't find it It makes me really mad because I had it all lined up |
| Why doesn't communism work in a school enviroment? Because everyone would get the same Marx. |
| I was appalled to learn about Hitler's uprising. Anne Frankly, I did Nazi that coming. |
| Got in a fight with my boner this morning; Don't worry i beat it single handedly. |
| What is the difference between Courtney Love and a porcupine? A porcupines needle won't give you AIDS |
| What do you call a horse with a horn and no balls? A Eunuchorn |
| Why did the farmer start a punk rock band? He was tired of Haulin' Oats |
| Why did Colonel Sanders keep his eleven herbs and spices a secret? Because he was ashamed of them |
| Why was Britney Spears addicted to the cocaine? Because Kevin fed her lines |
| Redditors are like alchemists. They try to turn their nonsense into gold. |
| Why was the chef fired from the restaurant? He was caught cooking the books |
| What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Donald Trump? Bill fucked fewer people in the Oval Office. |
| What's the difference between Courtney Love and the American flag? It's not proper to piss on the American flag |
| What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? 1 less drunk |
| The weather forecast is looking pretty bad over in Germany. There's a high chance of heil. |
| Mexicans are upset over Trump's wall. A lot of Mexicans are upset over Trump's planned wall. I hope they get over it. |
| What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza. Pizza can have pepperoni, Jews can't. |
| Did you hear about the Australian guy that was dancing with my computer? He was waltzing my tilde. |
| What do you call a Nazi cetacean? Adolfin. |
| My wife bought a new plant for for the house. I didn't like it at first... ...but it's starting to grow on me. |
| My neighbor caught me peeing on his lawn after a snow storm. Don't tell me not to pee on your lawn. This is my lawn, see, it's got my name on it! |
| Why is it so loud in Costco? Everything comes in high volumes. |
| I was bored with my life, and wanted to change something. I changed my mind. |
| My friend asked me, "Where's my book of opera puns?" I said, "It's overture house." |
| Did you hear about trumps wall? I can't tell you, you might not get over it! |
| No matter how hard you push the envelope It still remains stationery |
| I once dreamed that I fell down a flight of stairs. I was so relieved when I woke up safely in the hospital. |
| The Mexican drug lord El Chapo has been extradited to the United States... It's still unclear which cabinet post he'll be appointed to. |
| Will glass coffins be popular in future? Remains to be seen. |
| The person who made the shovel should receive an award It was groundbreaking work. |
| Say "Rise Up Lights" out loud You just said "Razor Blades" in an Australian accent |
| So I took a practice test on photons today... It didn't matter. |
| What do Hanlon's razor, Occam's razor, Poe's Law and Godwin's Law each have in common? The Donald Trump presidency. |
| Reddit is really a green community, considering all the recycled content on here. |
| I found a new passion yesterday pairing socks. I guess I just enjoy bringing sole mates together. |
| What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. |
| Why are there no cats on mars? Curiosity |
| Why did the PowerPoint cross the road? To get to the other slide. |
| Life is a lot like chess You've always got to be thinking two steps ahead. And most people want to be white. |
| Even if they all unite against Trump, those seven countries won't get off the list A seven nation army couldn't hold Trump back. |
| Knock knock...... You: Who's there? .... Me: Better eat up...... You:..... |
| Rumour has it Eminem has converted to Islam. From now on, he will call himself "Muslim Shady." |
| My daughter just told me she's infertile. "That's a great joke," I said. "I can't wait to tell it to my grandchildren." |
| Did you hear about the butter on toast? I can't tell you, you might spread it! |
| The propellor of a plane is actually a giant fan for the pilot When the fan stops, you can actually see the pilot start sweating |
| Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down... You have my Word. |
| How many Shakers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Shakers can't screw |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_8.txt |
|---|
| @@ -0,0 +1,680 @@ |
|---|
| The day after Thanksgiving is often the biggest capitalist/materialistic shopping day every year. I'm protesting it this year, and had to think of the movement's slogan... Black Fridays Matter. |
| How many homeless people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Homeless people can't have light bulbs |
| What is definition of indefinitely? When your balls are touching her ass, you are in-definatlly |
| I asked Kellyanne Conway for her email And she said "oh you mean my alternative fax?" |
| I'm going to post a joke I hope it dosen't get [deleted] |
| What do female geologists do as a side job? Prostitution. They quite enjoy studying hard things! |
| A masochist and a sadist are doing their thing& The masochist says: "Hit me" and the sadist answers: "no&" |
| I used to think babysitting was just a job teenagers did to make a quick buck Then I saw how much Kellyanne Conway makes. |
| What did the math book say to the literature book? You're so full of great stories, I'm just filled with problems |
| I like my women like I like my pies... Still warm. |
| TIL that the Beatles had to change the lyrics to Hello Goodbye because it was too "british". The original was "Oi Mate Piss Off" |
| What is the hardest part about your wife telling you she has AIDS? Acting surprised. |
| What do you say when you see a Nazi trip and fall? "Are you Alt-right?" |
| How does one go from being a doctor to an Uber driver? They move to America. |
| Who is Donald Trumps favorite basketball player? John Wall Get it? |
| Why did the chicken cross the road? I was hoping you would just upvote. |
| If Fifth Harmony was unable to perform at the NHL All Star... They can still have an option to work from home via satellite. |
| What did Bill Clinton say when asked why Hillary lost? "Not sure, she never used to go down." |
| Why did the letters A through Y hate the Jews? Because they were Not Z. |
| TIL the current Russian President once nearly placed a bomb in a friendly naval vessel. Wait, am I Putin this in the wrong sub? |
| How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man? Zero. |
| Why don't computers have any brothers? They are all trans-sisters. |
| Jesus at a restaurant in Heaven... "Holy cow!" "Yes, Lord. I am both you server and your steak. How would you like me cooked?" "Well done, my good and faithful sirloin." |
| What kind of ships can't go in salt water? Snail-boats |
| Dear Muslim refugees: just pretend to be Christian. That's what most Christians do anyways. |
| What do you call a white duck? A quacker. |
| Wife asks why I bring my ccw to church... Because you can never predict when there will be a mass shooting. |
| Horse walks into a bar... ..Barman: "Why the long face?" |
| Swallow is a bird or a fish? It's an order. |
| Anyone care for a limerick? There once was a man from Nantucket Who wanted to vacation in Phuket But changed his mind On where to unwind Because he'd rather not shit in a bucket. |
| What does NASCAR really stand for? Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks |
| My wife and her twin were standing next to each other in the kitchen Well, long story short, I grabbed the wrong butt and my brother in law was not amused |
| Cleaning ladies: The new craze that's sweeping the nation |
| What's the opposite of critical thinking? Critical theory. |
| What part of your hand is the most salty? The NaCls |
| Its best to put your phone on some rice when its wet Asian people will come at night and fix it |
| I heard McDonalds is really bad for you. That why I only eat at Burger king. |
| What do you call an ill Saudi Arabian? Sikh |
| Communism jokes are not funny Unless everyone gets them |
| What's the difference between your mom and a bowling ball? Your mom can't fit in a bowling ball. |
| 2 cactuses are talking to each other One of them asks the other, "Hey, do you know how to speak the human language?" To which he responds, "yeah it's easy, they always say ouch!" |
| What do you call a wine loving horse? Chardon-neigh. |
| i don't think women should stay in the kitchen... i mean, how are they supposed to clean the rest of the house from there? |
| A Muslim enters the United States Oh sorry thought it was still 2016. |
| Do you know what the arch enemies of skinheads are? Blackheads. |
| All pro athletes are bilingual They speak English and profanity. |
| What was Tigger doing in the toilet? Looking for Pooh |
| I returned from court to see 'Welcome home dad' hanging over the foyer.. It was a suspended sentence |
| Muslims in the U.S.A [Removed] |
| I have a Chinese friend with really bad internet His name is Hai Ping |
| Why did the scarecrow receive an award? It was outstanding in his field. |
| Tip: if you don't want comedians weighing in on politics.... ...don't elect a joke. (Credit to Bo Burnham) |
| So what do you all think of the new House of Cards? I have to say that whole plot twist with Trump becoming the new president was quite unexpected. |
| My friend overdosed on Tofu The coroner called it a Soysoning |
| How many Chicago Policemen does it take to crack an egg? None. It fell down the stairs. |
| A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night... ... and he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?" |
| I tied a rope and swallowed it I shit you knot! |
| What do you call a Hispanic radio station? Mixed Signals |
| If pronouncing your b's like v's makes you sound Russian... Then *soviet!* |
| I don't get what you guys are saying about how Mexicans hate Trump... ... Every Mexican I see is calling him a peachy cool arrow. |
| My rich uncle just passed away so I recently came into some money But now the bills are all stuck together |
| A English teacher says to a African student.. "okay you're doing really good with your English, I would like you to use the word dandelion in a sentence" the student replies "ohh that is easy, The giraffe, is bigger, dan de lion" |
| I hate people who use the wrong words in a sentence and don't correct themselves They sometimes should have the humidity to admit it. |
| I used to be up to date with memes... then I took an arrow to the knee |
| Why shouldn't you buy underwear from Ukraine? Because Chernobyl (cher-knob-el) fallout. |
| It's always I before E Except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor. |
| I saw a man with a several rabbits on his head today... When I inquired as to why he had rabbits on his head, he simply stated "From a distance they look like hares" |
| Why do men sound like they're having an orgasm when they're lifting weights? And why is my father lifting weights in the bathroom? |
| McDonalds is releasing a new Japanese fish sandwich. It will be called The Real Mc Koi. |
| What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers |
| I would cauliflower... ...but I don't have its number. |
| What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything. |
| Just found out I was dating a commie Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier |
| What is the sound of Trump's head hitting the Liberty Bell? Dunnnnnnng |
| having sex for pleasure Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin. I had to shag a lot of animals to find that out. |
| What did Dee Snider say he wanted for Christmas? I WANNA ROCK |
| What do you call it when a nail is driven through the canvas of a piece of artwork? A 'pain'-ting. |
| What do housewives do on Saturday nights? They go Sam's Clubbing |
| Husband: "I have good news and bad news" Wife: "Tell me the bad news first." Husband: "The washing machine broke." Wife: "And the good news?" Husband: "The dogs are clean." |
| My grandmother died stoned. She was showing too much leg. |
| I work in construction... We don't have side pieces, we have back hoes |
| I just enlisted my kids into the Navy. Or as the wife calls it, masturbated in the shower. |
| A pregnant prostitute visits her Doctor... The Doctor asks, "do you know who the father is?" The prostitute replies, "if you ate a can of beans, would you know which one made you fart?" |
| Do you know what Mexicans think about Trump's wall? Who cares, they'll get over it.. |
| I just came to a conclusion Best wank of my life |
| What do you call a tight fitting bra? A boobie trap. |
| A mathematician walks into a pizza bar and orders one pi He receives two |
| I like my Thanksgiving turkey like I like my own ass On the dining room table, with my family gathered round, and with my grandmum's fists in it pulling out the stuffing. |
| Never trust a stairwell. Every time you turn around, it's a new story! |
| What is life? Better with drugs |
| If Trump deports all the Mexicans Who's going to build the wall? |
| A boy asks his father A boy asks his father: Where's the potato peeler? Father: In the supermarket |
| Conservatives keep telling me to find Jesus How am I supposed to find him if they want him sent back to mexico and want a wall to keep him out? |
| Five year old granddaughter to me. Her: Knock, Knock. Me: Who's there? Her: Interrupting cow. Me: Interrp.... Her MOO, MOO |
| So my wife thinks I'm really annoying... but we tried anal for the first time the other day so now I'm really a pain in her ass. |
| Why do you never see a black person with Down Syndrome? God doesn't punish anyone twice. |
| What do you call a small knife used for killing gorillas? A harambit |
| I wouldn't bother making a joke about an infinite line No point. |
| It's cool how today everyone is applauding patriots for standing up for human rights... ...and by next Sunday everyone will be back to hating the Patriots again |
| Why is Donald Trump the rarest form (real life incartination) of pepe? Because it can be witnessed only once in a *Melania*-um. |
| What do you call a female scientist? A scientits |
| Mechanical Engineer NSFW Mechanical Engineer's wife Delivers a baby.. Wife Sends SMS to her Husband: "Your New Vehicle is Launched." Husband replies back: "With Gear or Without Gear?*" |
| Screamed on a drunk to get out of the road He replied, an Aeroplane just flew off over my head, What can a car make a difference ... |
| How long do owls live? Six and a half books. |
| Aztecs.... Are the religion of peace, you racist! |
| You know what they say about people with big feet... You could easily get a part-time job as a clown |
| What do you call a basement full of progressives? A whine cellar. |
| You were a still born baby.. Mother didn't want you but you were still born. |
| What do you call a blind dinosaur? A "Do-You-Think-He-Saw-urus" How do you call a blind dinosaur's dog? Do-You-Think-He-Saw-urus Rex |
| A Muslim walks into the U.S Just kidding |
| When I feel like I have nobody to talk to... I call the NSA. They're really nice because they always listen. |
| I have a pizza.....I have a pineapple UGH! Satan's creation. |
| My science teacher taught us about gravity today. It was such a heavy subject to take... |
| Two snakes walk into a bar... ^^^Wait, ^^^they ^^^slide... ^^^Nevermind...XD |
| Fastfood Clerk: Number 27! Double steak combo with extra fries! Man: Right here! Clerk: Here you go sir, sorry about your weight. Man: Oh, it wasn't long at al- wait... Clerk: >:D |
| If the skin on your elbow is called a weenus... Is the skin on your knee called a knee-nus? (I'm so sorry) |
| My teacher pointed at me with...... My teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said ?at the end of this ruler is and idiot!? I got detention after I asked him which end he was referring to. |
| What do you call a naked Asian? Barelee. |
| These Stolen Valor guys all seem homeless or mentally ill... Guess they're pretty good at impersonating our troops after all! |
| An Asian Keanu An Asian Keanu enters a room. Asian Keanu got angry. Asian Keanu Reeves. |
| Janet, a bit tipsy from the champagne, didn't realize the new office photocopier was a 3D photocopier. So Steve got a nice bust for his bookshelf for christmas. |
| I am sad because I did something today. doing something stood on my not-to-do-list for today |
| I saw my disrespectful co-worker today she was hot. "Wow, words can't describe how pretty you are." I said walking up to her. She then replied looking at me as if I was a creep: "Uh thanks.. weirdo" "But numbers can" I smirked. "2/10. Bitch." |
| 1-step guide for Asexual Reproduction Go fuck yourself |
| How do you know a girl is into you? Just pinch yourself, if you don't wake up, she doesn't. |
| My wife said she's had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up. So I just packed my bags and right. |
| My wife was choking at dinner, so I flipped her over the table, pulled her knickers down and stuck my tongue up her arse. The shock made her spit out the obstruction and breathe again. Thank god I knew the hind-lick manoeuvre! |
| President Trump! What about the aliens from space? We need a ROOF! |
| People are counting down the time to the end of Trump's presidency... Are you really that excited to have Kanye West as the president of US?! |
| People like to compare Hillary Clinton to Hitler, but there's one huge difference: Hitler acknowledged he was at fault for killing people. |
| I was going to tell the joke about the scarecrow... but I think it has already been posted. |
| What are they going to use to build the wall? The bricks that were shat by people when Trump became president. |
| A man went to the doctor The doctor said "im afraid your illness is terminal..." The man asked "well how long do i have doc?" The doctor said "10" The man asked "10 what?" The doctor said "9, 8, 7....." |
| Ask /r/personalfinance to draw you a line, they deliver a circle. They always make ends meet! |
| FDR hates cripple humor He can't stand it |
| I don't want to make a political joke It might get elected as president of the United States |
| So what if I don't know what "apocalypse" means. It's not like it's the end of the world |
| A man is caught staring so hard at his marriage certificate by his wife... She asks him what he's looking for. He replies, "oh just the expiration date!" |
| A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder... The bartender says "What a strange pet, what's his name?" "Tiny." the man replies. "What an odd name, why do you call him tiny?" "Because he's my newt." |
| I know a Spanish philosopher and he lives in my kitchen... His name is Plato. |
| Why don't Jews have showers in their homes? Because they're too cheap to pay the bills. |
| My girlfriend's a crappy computer ... she always shuts down when I need her but never shuts up when I don't. |
| What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster? "I'M BREADY TO DIE" |
| I wanted a cat but the wife wanted a dog ... so we compromised and got a dog |
| Breast Inplants They such a silly-con |
| There are three types of people in this world. People who can count and people who can't. |
| China's time zone is 28 days behind ours. "Chinese New Year" |
| I like my women like I like my moose Big, brown, and horny |
| Boyfriend: You know you can..... Boyfriend: You know you can be a real bitch. Girlfriend: I have been called worse. Boyfriend: Like what? Girlfriend: Your girlfriend! |
| That's a nice ham you have there It would be a shame if someone put an 's' at the start and an 'e' at the end... |
| What do Intel, Google, Uber, eBay, McDonalds, Budweiser, AT&T, Oracle, Disney, Boeing, IBM and Apple have in common? Immigrants |
| Dicks are like LAYS potato chips... No one ever sucks JUST ONE!! |
| Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas! This is what Santa Clause says when he sees your wife, mother and sister together in the same room. |
| A cannibal walked into a female patient's surgery room... "I'll take the eggs, please." |
| 50% of Canada Is the letter A |
| I have at last fulfilled my dream of becoming arms dealer... ... by selling 3D printed prosthetic limbs for the needy. |
| A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live... Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please" Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life" |
| I really like food Sorry, I made a Misteak, that wasn't really a joke. It's even Grater with Cheese. Damn. That was just Punishment. |
| How do the Welsh eat cheese? Caerphilly |
| Apparently Abraham Lincoln kept extremely detailed records of every single tree he cut down, detailing the type of tree, dimensions, even the location where it was cut, and more. They're called the Lincoln Logs. |
| Whats the hardest part of eating a vegetable? The wheelchair |
| Whats the best part about sleeping with a midget? You're sure to get a little head |
| Trump, how do you plan on building the wall? 140 characters at a time |
| How did the roman cannibal feel about his victim? He was glad he ate her. |
| Things in the United States have been awfully unfortunate as of late It's almost as if it were built upon a gigantic native american burial ground |
| A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'' |
| How do you trigger a switch? Flip it off. |
| Which bear can dissolve in water? A polar bear |
| Did you hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog. |
| Sign outside at "Justice of the Peace" You furnish the bride...........we will do the rest. |
| The new season of House of Cards will be nothing compared to what lies ahead with President Trump! |
| What does a prostitute wear on her feet? Whore shoes. |
| ?Dear you can?t go to the theater in your old coat, can you? Husband: ?Dear you can?t go to the theater in your old coat, can you? Wife (hopefully): ?Certainly not, dearest.? Husband: ?Just what I thought so I only bought one ticket.? |
| Why was the dog shaking? He had Barkinson's |
| What's the difference between gluten and hillbillies? One's inbred, the others in bread |
| United States of America |
| "Give it to me," my girlfriend yelled. "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella |
| I was talking to a fat girl about her weight... I was addressing the literal elephant in the room. |
| How many Scottish highlanders does it take to change a light bulb? There can be only one. |
| I'm surprised Trump ran as a Republican I thought he was running as a joke |
| My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to her. |
| I had a donkey. I named it Heeh. It died. Heeh awwwww. :-( |
| I enjoy my women like I enjoy my coffee... Blindfolded and scared. |
| What is a pirate's favorite type of joke? Traditionally a pun involving an "arrr", but for the purposes of this joke, it's sarrrcasm. |
| What's the difference between New York City and the Land of Mordor? Two Towers. |
| Soliciting a blowjob is illegal. Soliciting a blowjob is illegal, but betting a whore $50 she can't swallow your cum isn't. |
| What do you call a sketchy neighborhood in Italy? A Spaghetto. |
| I'm not a Grammar Nazi I'm alt-write |
| I like women like i like my pizza Crusty with lots of cheese. |
| I don't like holocaust jokes. Anne Frankly you shouldn't either. |
| What's an SS soldier's favorite key? I don't know, but I know it's not C! |
| They say when you've hit rock bottom, the only way is up... Well, I must have drilled a fucking hole in that rock because I keep falling. |
| If the Scottish started to colonize North America before the British... Could I say that the Scott Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock? |
| What was Trump's reaction to the petition for him to release his tax returns Not my precedent |
| I was told the general rules of life is to help people, be nice and give aids. So I don't know why everybody is getting mad at me for infecting them. |
| I like my women like I like my steaks bloody and full of knives |
| What's the difference between jam and jelly I can't jelly my dick in your mom's ass |
| I like my women like I like my coffee Not tasting something gritty and hairy when slurping. |
| They're restoring Auschwitz to its past condition. My first question is how soon they will have it operating. |
| I walked upto my black cop friend and said "I always wanted to be a clack man, would you help me?" He said sure... and put my hands up where he can see them. |
| Mike: I'm really glad I wasn't born in France. Jim: Why? Mike: I can't speak French. |
| I am 48 and my wife is 8 months pregnant. am i too old to be a dad? |
| How did Donald Trump convince Mike Pence to be his Vice President? He told him the job would be worth as much as a warm bucket of piss. Then, he showed him a video. |
| Why didn't the shrimp share his food?? He was a little shellfish |
| Whats the difference between an anal thermometer and an oral thermometer? The taste |
| What are twins favorite fruits? Pears |
| The more you know, the more you don't know. What constitutes terrorism |
| Mountain ranges aren't funny They're hill areas. |
| What did the ocean said to the shore? Nothing, it just waved. |
| Trump: "Hows that Mexican mall going?" "Mall? We thought you said wall" Trump: "No way that's harsh, also hows that Muslim band looking?" |
| You think 7 years is bad luck for breaking a mirror??? Try breaking a condom |
| I have Yogg-Saron as a psychiatrist.... I don't think he's good, whenever I walk in to his room, I feel like I'm getting more insane by the minute. |
| Why Do Scottish people wear kilts? Because a sheep can hear a zipper go down a mile away. |
| What is a Freudian slip? It's when you say one thing but fuck your mother |
| My friend did some graffiti with me He just tagged along. |
| There was a kidnapping at my school He woke up. |
| I have big feet... It runs in the family |
| Why did Hitler prefer pajamas more than suits Cause they are more kampfy |
| I was going to make a joke about sodium but then I thought Na. |
| *Challenger anniversary* joke: What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband before they left the house? You feed the cats, I'll feed the fish. The "too soon?" Joke from 30 years ago. |
| What's the difference between the Harriet Tubman and the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Harriet Tubman was a heroine to the slaves; the Red Hot Chili Peppers are slaves to the heroin! |
| Why do moths fly with their legs apart? Have you ever seen the size of moth balls? |
| "Dad, why couldn't the doctors save grandpa's life? "Doesn't matter son, he would have suffocated in the coffin" |
| Donald Trump's family bought him a Gandalf the Grey costume for his birthday. Unfortunately, this wasn't the sort of Grand Wizard outfit he had in mind... |
| Trump decided to make some music with his old clarinet... he called it "Alternative Rock." |
| How about that train food? It's off the rails |
| Who was the roundest knight at the Round Table? Sir Cumference |
| Not saying there is a direct correlation between Trump's election... But the Chinese did say this would be the year of the Cock ages ago! |
| I like my women how I like my coffee. Without a penis |
| Women are like Christmas gifts... They lose value after 25. |
| What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming. |
| I have a Taiwanese friend who is is incredibly rude and bossy He has a strong Taipei personality |
| What does the next election and hindsight have in common? They both 2020 |
| A man sits at a bar crying The barkeeper asks him: "Why are you crying?" He answers:"My wife and I had an argue and she said she won't talk to me again for a whole year." "That's terrible", the barkeeper replied. The Man:"Worse, the year is over today!" |
| Sometimes I do things to children that they're too young to understand... ...such as teaching them calculus and microbiology. |
| Donald Trumps hands are not that small Any hands would look small on such a massive cunt |
| Man didn't invent the wheel It invented itself after seeing Chuck Norris. |
| An English speaker, a French speaker, a Spanish speaker, and a German speaker are in a park... ... when a man stands up on a table in front of them and asks if they can see him. They all nod and say: "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja." |
| How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? One. We are efficient and don't have humor. |
| There are two types of people in this world Those who can extrapolate information based off of the given context |
| What are jews best known for? Prophets. |
| What do you call a Muslim on a plane? Soon to be detained for flying home to his family in Houston after a business trip. |
| Good thing I don't see any political posts on my news feed In fact, my Myspace friends haven't really posted much since 2010. |
| I asked santacraus for everything in the world found my sock inside out |
| Trump was stunned when he first laid eyes on Melania. Slowly he approached. He smiled and said "I must order this one" as he picked up the catalogue from the table. |
| What do you call money earmarked for use when the terrorist threat is high? Orange aid. |
| I was banned from the Middle East, so this is what I did... Iran |
| What's the difference between a woman and a computer? You can actually punch information into a computer |
| White House Update: Dick Cheney extends hunting invitation to Trump Nope. Sorry. Just kidding. Edit: buncha scrubs keep downvoting my hilarious joke. |
| Political opinions are like assholes If yours shows up in my Facebook feed I will probably block you |
| How can you tell male from female ants? Throw them in a bucket of water; if it floats, it's buoyant. |
| Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad... I think its time for USB. |
| An invisible man and an invisible woman got married. Their kids were nothing to look at either. |
| Classic Why don't blind people like to go skydiving? Because it scares the dogs! |
| How do you know it's spring in Israel? There's a Rosenbloom on every block! |
| It's been a week since my wife went missing. The police told me to expect the worst. So I took her things back out of the garbage bin. |
| What do you tell your wife if she has two black eyes? Nothing. You already told her twice. |
| Why are pharmaceutical chemists considered such studs? They're able to make a fun-gal cream. |
| Did you hear about the compulsive gambler with diarrhea? Well, he lost. |
| What is Harry Potter's philosophy on relationships... Hit it and quidditch. |
| No matter how popular they get.. ... antibiotics are never going viral. |
| What is Donald Trump's favorite California city? Banning |
| What is it called when a black person wears whiteface? Going incognegro. |
| What kind of meat does a priest eat on Friday? Nun. |
| I got a job assisting a fledgling orchestra with their day to day activities and helping to organize upcoming shows... My official title is Band Aide. (I thought of this in the shower, so it's definitely not funny) |
| Hey gurl, you banned from America yet? Cause dat' ass is out of this world... and therefore unamerican and cannot be trusted. |
| My wife wanted me to whisper dirty things in her ear... So I leaned forward and said: "dishes, bathroom and laundry." |
| Love, I'm pregnant, what would you like it to be? A joke. |
| What did the Republicans have to say about the latest edition of Democratic nonsense ? Nothing... They were busy at work. |
| I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate... And I can picture us invading that world because they'd never see it coming. |
| What do gay people eat for breakfast? An all you can eat puffÈt |
| I love being excluded from things Should have got a green card |
| My SO gives great handjobs And I'm not saying that because I'm a narcissist |
| What's the difference between a fruit and a nut? I don't fruit all over your mother's tits. |
| Told this girl to text me when she got home ... I think she's homeless |
| Did you hear about the collision between the cement truck and the septic pump truck? There was some pretty hard shit in the road. |
| It's been revealed that President Donald Trump has "Batmophobia", otherwise known as a "chronic fear slopes" Now I understand why he was keen to dodge the draft. |
| There I was, eating cornflakes and milk out of the bowl... when my dad came in, shook his head and pulled the handle to flush them away. |
| John Hurt? Nope, John Dead. |
| I thought I'd only need to make one more joke about 2016 not being over But this one really Hurt |
| I like first aid classes its the only time I get to be touched by a caring human. |
| Arkansas Redneck Sex Two rednecks are chugging beers in a Little Rock bar. One sheepishly asks the other, "So, do you ever cry when you have sex with a new woman?" The other says, "All the time. It's the pepper spray". |
| Rob thank God you picked up! Hey remember when you said if a needed a place to crash i cou- hold on ****to copilot**** STOP CRYING ROB WILL HELP! |
| I know that I have an attitude problem But I just don't care |
| Why can't Jesus play hockey? He keeps getting NAILED TO THE BOARDS!... |
| What's the difference between Scientology and Donald Trump? Scientology has better celebrities. |
| LeBron James laughs at all the countries banning people from entering Because he has traveling immunity. |
| Women are like boners Ignore them and they will go away. Beat them and they too will get away |
| TIL that the first condoms were made of fish intestines. So people had the guts to do it. |
| What's the difference between people who voted for Trump, and those that didn't? On average, about $30,000 in student debt. |
| I like my women like I like my golf score Mid-eighties and with slight handicap. |
| You know those slices of American cheese you get from the supermarket? You're not going to be able to buy those anymore. Since Trump is going to make America grate again, apparently. |
| Something happened at a friend's work A relative of mine works at a toy distribution center. They specialize in talking dolls. They recently received a Muslim one, but nobody knows what it says because they're all afraid to pull the cord. |
| The good news First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. |
| A toast! Had to throw away my toaster because it kept burning my toast. I guess you could say I'm black toast intolerant. |
| I can't believe that Trump is banning Muslims from the U.S. Like, Syria-sly America? |
| One of America's Longest Running Gags... Trickle-down Economics |
| Never trust stairs, They're always up to something. |
| Why is it awful to be an egg? You only get laid once, it takes three minutes to get hard, and you come in a box with eleven others. |
| What's long and hard and is full of seamen? Naval college |
| The demolition workers performed at the workers event last night. Heard they brought down the house with their act. |
| What do the alt-right call day? Alt-night |
| "Whenever one door closes, another opens." "Wow, you must be very optimistic about life." "No, I live in a haunted house." |
| My friends are baffled that I gave up the single life for my European wife and wonder why I don't chase girls anymore. It's because she keeps me in Czech. |
| What's harder than rocket science? My dick. |
| What do you call a tree with no leaves? Bark Naked. |
| What did Christa McAuliffe say to her husband right before she got on the Challenger Shuttle? Honey you feed the dog I'll feed the fish. |
| What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile. |
| Cats and Dogs Did you know cats are smarter than dogs? Dogs can't take x-rays, but cats can. |
| A Pervert, A Con Artist and a Fascist walk into a bar... ..The Bartender Says, "What'll it be Mr. President Trump?" |
| Puns plz Someone throw shit out there for me to make puns with. A topic, or whatever, and I'll do my best. Anyone else can join in too. |
| There are 10 types of people in this world... The ones who understand binary, and the ones who get laid. |
| Do you want to celebrate!? It's the year of the cock. |
| What do you call an Irish gangster that all living systems strive for? (X /r/ScienceJokes) Homie O'Stasis. |
| What do you call a secret society of beef trying to take over the world? The Meat Cabal |
| Two penguins are driving in a car ... The driver says: "hey could you change the radio station?" And the other one says: "No radio?" "Four wheels!" |
| When Trump got elected... The Mexicans hispanicked and freaked out. |
| Knock knock... Who's there? "Good afternoon sir! If we could jus have a moment of your time, we'd like to talk to you about the church of Scientology" |
| A giraffe is at the airport going through the TSA line ... And the security agent says: "hey, is the your laptop?" And the giraffe says: "I thought you'd never ask" |
| Which is the saltiest fish? Tuna |
| I went to the local buy and sell to see if there were any cool old jack in the boxes. But nothing jumped out at me. |
| What do you put on Mongolian Beef? Tatar Sauce. |
| How do you tell if a girl is ticklish? You give her two test tickles I will see myself out. Thank you and have a good day |
| Is that a booger in your nose? No, it's snot. |
| I was playing some dubstep and when the beat dropped... My deaf friend said to turn the volume down. |
| TIL that 1/100 people have undiagnosed dyslexia Whoops, wrong bus. |
| Former presidential candidate Senator Sanders falls ill. What do you call him? A sick Bern. |
| I heard this really funny joke about procastination I'll post it later |
| I had an Germany born English teacher in high school. If you know what I mean. |
| My grandfather died in a concentration camp It was terrible, he got drunk one night and fell off a guard tower. |
| A relative of mine works at a toy distribution center. They specialize in talking dolls. They recently received a Muslim one, but nobody knows what it says because they're all afraid to pull the cord. |
| How does clickbait work? Just grab this electrical cable. Then what happens? WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL SHOCK YOU!!!!! |
| If people had to pay rolling pins, They'd be rollin' in the dough. |
| What makes crop circles? A protractor. |
| How do you know if someone's a pilot? because they'll fucking tell you. |
| Why did the unicycle win the race? Because the bicycle was two tired. |
| I like my women how I like my computer. On my lap. Turned on. Virus free. |
| What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? Mortgage freeman. |
| I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he's had. He started counting and fell asleep. |
| A plateau is the highest form of flattery. That's it... |
| Personally I think Trumps a Genius, How do you beat China? Hit them hard by one upping them with a Wall |
| My friend said he didn't mind homosexuality, just didn't like it in his bedroom. I asked, "have you tried the kitchen?" |
| What do you get when you combine north beach and south beach? Sum of beaches. |
| A boy goes to his parents to tell them something "Mom, Dad. I'm gay." His father then turns to him and says "Hi Gay, I'm 100 Dollars Richer!", while recieving money from the mom. |
| A tour guide stabs a customer to a bloody mess. She wanted to be tored. |
| My nervous system is so narcissistic. It only thinks about itself. |
| Why did the Snowman pull his pants down? Because the snowblower was coming. |
| Wife says to her Accountant husband Wife: what is inflation? Husband: Earlier you were 36-24-36. But now you are 48-40-48. Though you have everything bigger than before, your value has become less than before. This is INFLATION |
| My wife just left me because I spent our life savings on a penis enlargement... She couldn't take it any longer |
| I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer I'm not sure what he laced them with, but I've tripping all day. |
| I hear Donald Trump wants every welfare recipient to take a drug test... I don't even what to know what he's planning to do with all those urine samples. |
| There are two men on the opposite sides of the world, One is on a tightrope walking between two buildings 90 stories high. The other is getting a blowjob from a 90 year old woman. They both have exactly the same thought..........Don't look down. |
| I love everything about Motorbikes But sometimes they just make me two-tyred. |
| What does a gay horse eat? heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey |
| I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.". I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him! |
| Knock Knock Knock Knock Who's there? Europe Europe who? No you're a poo! |
| Why did Nixon have a reputation for not being punctual? He is, after all, the late Richard Nixon. |
| What do you call a projectile that is very good at finding friends? A homie missile. |
| What has 99 legs and one tooth? The front row at a Willie Nelson concert. |
| Why is Harry Potter better than Jews? He made it out of the chamber. |
| Some people say Pokemon is for little kids. It isnt and if you bully me I'm telling my mommy. |
| People compare Trump and hitler all the time, but there is one major difference. Hitler was good at making speeches |
| Are there any prostitutes you can hire just to talk to you??? Apparently they are called therapist. |
| What do you call a knight that jousts all the time Sir Lancelot |
| What did jesus say to his dad.. Who died and made you god? |
| How does the sous chef set a baby on fire? FlambÈby |
| I don't like rape jokes. They're always so forced. |
| Some mornings I wake up bitchy... Other mornings I let her sleep. |
| I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today. I should have cooked it at Aloha temperature. |
| What do you call a sick eagle that just flew in from out of the country? an ill-eagle immigrant |
| When a neo-nazi plays jazz, what time signature do they use? 14/88. |
| Son: Dad, I'm hungry Son: Dad, I'm hungry Dad: Okay, I'll go to the store It has been 12 years. He still hasn't come back. |
| Did you know there's a French man who was named after a saint, and is now widely known for dabbing and whipping so hard, he actually ends up breaking his arms? His name is PËre Fouethard. |
| NY Times said Gen Xers spend the most amount of time on the internet. Data were collected by survey monkey, analyzed by baby boomers and written up by the millennial intern. |
| My daughter wanted a Disney Princess birthday party& &so I made all her friends come over and clean my house. |
| My wife said she'd leave me if I spend any more time on the internet. Bet closed. |
| It doesnt matter how popular apple is... everyone has Windows. |
| What do you call a vegetarian that eats seafood? An omnivore |
| Why is Aisha a world renowned penetration tester? Because muhammad taught her from a very young age. |
| Cheating I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning. |
| How do you get a nun pregnant? You dress her up as an altar boy.. |
| Guitar teacher joke One of my guitar students wants me to teach him Wonderwall, I said maybe |
| How many noses did the guy with the best sense of smell have? Two noses? No, one nose. |
| What is Marie le Pen's favourite nuts? Catchjews |
| The best thing about having an STD... you get to share it with people who don't. |
| I finally found an onramp for the road to success!!!! It was closed for construction. |
| A German and a Swiss are arguing about who's country is better... The German, clearly annoyed, asks the Swiss "So what's so great about Switzerland?" The Swiss shrugs, simply saying. "Well, the flag is a big plus." |
| What do you call 69-ing in China? Tu Can Chu |
| Went to the Indian bakery today and asked for some bread They said they had naan |
| Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety pills? To prevent Hispanic attacks |
| How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan |
| What do you call a fear of deadly snakes? Common sense. |
| What is the perfect name for an Indian butler? Mahatma Coat |
| What is Donald Trump's least favorite '80s band? Foreigner |
| What is Batman's least favorite videogame? Injustice |
| Husband: "Babe, I just won the lottery! Pack a bag!" Wife: "Oh my goodness -- This is amazing! Where are we going?! What do I pack?!" Husand: "I don't care. Just pack and get the fuck out!" |
| I was so embarrassed when I got an erection during a prostate exam. Especially when they found out I'm not even a doctor. |
| Mexico should be happy about Trump building the Wall... The GDR payed 400 Million Mark to get their "wall against facism". |
| How do you wake Lady Gaga? Pokerface |
| Mexicans are shocked about Trump's wall But they'll get over it |
| Have you heard of the Ancient Greek hero Bophades? He was a lot like Achilles, he had just one weakness. Except instead of his heel it was his groin. You may have heard of "Achilles heel", but have you heard of "Bophades' nuts"? |
| People always tell me not to piss in the shower... ...but you know, it's difficult not to when you're taking a shit |
| My girlfriend left a note on the fridge "This is not working I'm going to my mum's house." So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold. - What the hell did she mean? |
| Three words to ruin a man's ego. "Is it in?" |
| Rick Astley told me that you could borrow any of his Disney movies, except Up He's never gonna give you Up... |
| What do fake news sites and porn subreddits have in common? No source. |
| I was having a piss in a war zone. Probably wasn't the best time for one of my fellow soldiers to yell, "Cover me!" |
| I said to her: "Two more inches and I'd be a king" "Two inches less and you'd be a queen", she replied. |
| What did the Rabbi and the Mexican say to each other at the Trump rally? Jew! EsÈ! |
| At the IRS audit IRS: According to your tax return you claim got money for nothin' & checks for free. Taxpayer: Am I in trouble for that? IRS: We'd say you're in dire straits. |
| What do you call 5 people sitting In two rows? Tetris |
| I Work At Sears And Some Black Guys Came In Asking For Polyester Pants It's weird because they usually pick cotton. |
| A mechanical engineers wife comes out of delivery. She texts him She texts him : "your new vehicle has been launched". He replies : " is it with gear stick or automatic?" |
| I brought a pet iguana home from the pet store... I think there's something wrong with him because he's very lethargic and I can't get him up. It must be a reptile dysfunction. |
| What is grey and comes in pints? An elephant! |
| Sumo wrestlers have to make sure their legs are always shaven So people don't confuse them with feminists |
| There are two types of people in this world, Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data. |
| What's a foot long, made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe. |
| What does this joke have in common with Madeline McCann? They both never get old. |
| RIP Boiling water You'll be mist. |
| What does the Boar say to the Pig? "I'm a furry" |
| [True story] I asked a filipino for the time.. He replied: "It's por pipty pive" |
| Where do you find arrows? At a Target |
| What do you call a kitten who accidentally eat all your pills? A Caterpillar |
| The Bollywood version of the Dr Jekyll story is more childish. Hyde and Sikh. |
| I accidentally poked my girlfriend in the eye while she was sleeping. She didn't even see it cumming |
| What's better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ |
| I found the city in which cheese was first produced! It's from Age! |
| Donald Trump doesn't want to have sex with his daughter He just has "alternative family values" |
| Everyone seems to think that Trump's new wall is offensive... but I just think it's more wallish. |
| I always give 110% Which is why my cum is considered the creamiest substance known to man. |
| What language does a dozen speak? Twelveish |
| Stalin's political career didn't really take off, until he played the trump card -Seize the means of reproduction! |
| "One mans trash is another mans treasure" Is a good quote... But apparently its not the best way to tell your kid he's adopted. |
| It is always a blessing to have more bishops ? ? it makes the church more accessible to children *ahem* people |
| What does a dyslexic,agnostic and insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night thinking if there really is a dog |
| Poor Russians A Russian woman walked into an empty Moscow shop. "I see you have no vegetables today" "No," said the shopkeeper, "this is a butcher shop. It's meat we haven't got. The shop with no vegetables is further down the street." |
| What's worse than 8 babies in 1 dustbin?.. 1 baby in 8 dustbins |
| What do Eric Clapton and Donald Trump have in common? They were both jealous of the size of a black man's crowd. |
| What has six eyes, four wings and eight legs? Two chickens and a goat. |
| A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket... Suddenly she realises that some asshole has her pen. |
| How many babies would it take to paint your house red? Well, that depends on how hard you throw them. |
| You know, those people who insult Obama and the Clintons.. really need to stop beating around the Bush. |
| What Came First... The chicken Or the furry? |
| God made each and every one of us until he got to China. Copy paste...copy paste... |
| Bikes Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired |
| What is a gay dinosaur called? Nsfw Megasorass |
| What did the pilot say to the Vietnamese mechanic underneath the plane? " "You are the Nguyen beneath my wings" |
| What do you call a cold lesbian? A klondyke. |
| My neighbours listen to good music Whether they want to or not |
| How can a woman make you a millionaire? When you marry her as a billionaire. |
| Playing guitar at parties Playing guitar at parties is all good and fun until someone tries to finger A minor. |
| Bill Clinton is not a rapist. He just likes to "feel your pain". |
| How is a reposted joke like a novice chef's pot roast? It's way overdone. |
| One good thing about graduation is that you get to wear a funny hat that makes your brain look larger than it actually is. |
| Did you know you can break your nose if you squint hard enough? I did it on the bus today and some Asian guy punched me in the face! |
| What do I do when the Tiger breaks out of its enclosure and bites me? ISUZU |
| I loved John Hurt so much... that I'm not even going to make the joke that my heart John Hurts right now. Even though it would make me feel better. |
| What's a joke's favorite kind of music? *pun*k rock |
| "Did it hurt?" "Did what hurt?" "When you fell from heaven and landed on an ugly tree and hit every branch?" |
| So God and the Devil are sitting next to each other on a bench. The Devil reaches over and strangles God, pointing out humanity as proof of God's fallibility. |
| What do you call nudes from the 90s hot mail |
| Mom I forgot. Am I special or unique? No son. You're retarded. |
| If the bread during the sacrament represents Jesus' body... ...why don't we nail the bread to the table? |
| What do you get when a ghost takes a crap? Rectoplasm. |
| A man calls a doctor Man to Doctor : Help, my friend has fallen dead! Doctor: First of all, make sure he's really dead *sound of a gunshot* Man: Ok, what do I do now? |
| Chuck Norris threw an impact grenade and killed one hundred people. Then the grenade blew up. |
| What do you do if your girlfriend is choking ? Back up a few inches |
| Did you hear about the two gay judges? They tried each other. |
| Why do terrorists in Antarctica love being interrogated? Snow boarding is fun as hell. |
| What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint. |
| I've been single for a while now and I'm staring to realize something. They blur out A lot of Asian porn. |
| 2016 had many celebrity deaths.. ..but 2017 will Hurt the most. :( |
| What's the difference between a psychologist and a dentist? One treats mental disorders... and the other treats dental mis-orders. |
| How do you make seven even? Take the s off. |
| Here is my period story Period. End of story. |
| What starts with "F" and ends with "UCK"? "Firetruck" ...What were you thinking? What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN"? "Popcorn" ..What were you thinking? |
| What do you call it when two well endowed astrophysicists have a gay sword fight? A Large Hardon Collider. |
| Daughter's Dance Class Apparently, it's not acceptable to ask a mom if her daughter's dance class has horizontal or vertical brass poles. |
| Do you guys know what love is? Love is when your heart melts and comes out the tip of your penis |
| You know why Trump fans are called Trumpettes? You only have to learn how to press three buttons, and then you can play 'em all day. |
| Why are there no headache tablets in the jungle? Because the parrots-eat-em-all |
| What is a womans favorite game? Pool (billiards)... It's the only one with a kitchen!!! |
| How do you tell a boy tree from a girl tree? Boy trees have woodpeckers. |
| I bought a pack of pencils and one was unsharpened. I thought it was pretty pointless |
| I bought a new black router today... I think I'm gonna name it Martin Router King |
| Kid: why is my cousin named Diamond? Mother: because your auntie really loves diamonds Kid: well what about my name? Mother: never mind about that Richard. |
| I almost had to go the hospital today because a stranger threw a can of Pepsi at me... I'm just glad it was a soft drink. Otherwise, I would have had to get surgery. |
| What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall? Art. |
| I once quit drinking, smoking and having sex with random women... ...these were the two most horrible minutes of my life! |
| Which President had the shortest term? Grover Cleveland. He was the twenty second President. |
| I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist |
| There are three kinds of people in this world Those that can count and those that cannot |
| I don't get the fuss over Trump's "alternative facts" He's just alt-right. |
| What do you call a chocolate maker who has a dick dad? Will-Ivanka |
| TIFU By forgetting my wife was allergic to seafood when I got her supper from Subway Woops, wrong Sub. |
| What's the similarity between a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist? They both work with crust. |
| What do you call a starship captain who empties space septic tanks? William Shartner. |
| What's the difference between a woman in a bathtub and a woman in a church? The woman in church has hope in her soul. |
| In all fairness, Trump can't release his tax returns At least not until Putin sends him his W2s. |
| The only difference between Hitler and Stalin... is that I know who Hitler is. Credit- Community |
| I said hello to a feminist... my court trial is tomorrow |
| Alcohol is nothing but poison But I drink because there are just things inside of me that need to die. |
| What do you call a sumo wrestler's gaze? The thousand lard stare |
| Why are Teen aged boys so good at fishing? Because they're Master Baiters. |
| How do gay nerds say goodbye on friday? Have a nice geekend! |
| When a woman tels you it's five minutes, then it's five minutes. Don't need to ask her every quarter of an hour. |
| What do you call a smelly fellow that makes bad jokes? Pungent |
| A man walks down a street with his dog Stranger: hey that's a nice dog Man: yes but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down Stranger: ah how sad, why so? Man: he's fucking heavy |
| What did the Middle Eastern sheepherder say when he was asked what animal he was herding Islam |
| Getting a prostate exam doesn't make you gay... Unless you spend all day studying for it. |
| What's a pirates least favorite letter? Dear sir, Your internet service has been disconnected due to terms of service violations and excessive downloading. Please return modem and accessories to your nearest Comcast location. Sincerely, Comcast |
| A book fell on my head a moment ago... I can only blame my shelf. |
| My colleagues call me the pussy slayer... I'm in charge of euthanising cats at the kennel. |
| How come newspapers make so much money? Because they make money off Paper Views |
| The March for Life is all fine and well..... But why are we forgetting the January and February for Life? |
| Donald Trump impression I showed my gf my Donald Trump impression and she hated it. She got the last laugh though, turns out its the wrong time of the month to grab her by the pussy. |
| What do Blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common? They both swallow a lot of Seamen |
| What does u/sername do at a grocery store? Username checks out |
| You know what grinds a Germans gear? Nothing, they are too well engineered. Edit: Spelling |
| Now that Donald Trump is actually building the wall, I hear Mexicans are depressed I'm sure they'll soon get over it |
| Do you know why a gun is better than a wife? You can put a silencer on a gun. |
| Why does trump wear a tie? If he takes it off, the foreskin flies up over his head. |
| What is a Germans favorite letter? I don't know but it's Nazi. |
| What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids |
| What's the most popular sport in northern Spain? Basquetball |
| Guess what! Chicken butt! |
| Did you hear about the pizza palor owner who got busted for child porn? He was a real pizza shit |
| One thing our presidents have never owned. a vagina. |
| What was Hitler's favorite color to use when painting? Aryan white. |
| A guy says to God: "God... ... to you a minute is like a million years and a penny is like a million dollars. So, could you give me a penny?" God replies "Sure, in a minute" |
| I asked a Chinese girl for her number... She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex Tonight! I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629" |
| What do you call a synthesizer-guitar that's out of tune? A Synthaxe error!!! |
| What does a tight pair of pants and a cheap motel have in common? No ballroom. |
| I'm giving up alcohol for a month. Wait, that came out wrong. I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month. |
| Did you hear the one about the german sausage?... ....just as well, it was the wurst. |
| What do you call the person who graduated last in their class from medical school? Doctor |
| A kaddish is a hymn of praises to God found in a Jewish prayer service. What is its Muslim equivalent? A kaboom! |
| What's a terrorist's favourite melee weapon? A boomerang. |
| If a dove represents peace which bird represents true love? The swallow. |
| Girlfriend cheated. Never playing Texas Hold 'Em with her ass again. |
| I'm actually reasonably happy with Trump's presidency right now..... after all, he's had the nuclear codes for a couple of days now and hasn't tweeted them yet. |
| How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen take? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men. |
| I recently wrote a book about Poltergeists... I'm pleased to say they're flying off the shelves. |
| Why do ants not go to church? Because they are in sects! |
| Left my wife because of another woman.... Her mother !!! |
| Do the french like roller coasters? Weee weee |
| So you think your dad is an alcoholic? You should see my liquor cabinet!! Haha...ha... Its empty. I need help. |
| Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs? Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan. |
| To whomever stole my copy of Microsoft Word... I will find you. You have my Word. |
| TIL that my neighbors really like the metal song i'm playing on my 7.1 sound system I figured because he thrown a brick at my window to hear it betterˇ ! \m/ |
| I always thought that the brain was the most important organ Now that I think about it, what's telling me that? |
| Did you know that Donald Trump actually has a beautiful full head of hair? It's an alternative fact! |
| The best thing about having a penis... is sharing it with people who don't. |
| What do you call a robotic contraceptive? Intelligent Protection Neutralizer for Girls, otherwise known as I P N Girls |
| When I heard that my toaster wasn't water resistant... I was shocked!! |
| Did you hear about the butcher that backed into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work. |
| My dyslexic friend sobbed uncontrollably as he confessed that he kept spelling his own name backwards I really do feel for Bob. |
| How did the deaf teacher give his deaf students their homework instructions? He assigned it |
| Have you ever had Ethiopian food? Neither have they |
| What does Hillary do when she loses a game of CS:GO? She blames the Russians. |
| What does a robot do during sex? He nuts and bolts! |
| I was sitting in traffic today and I got run over. |
| Trump hates saying "yes" to Mexicans so much We may as well call him the "Not Si" President |
| I really like Trump and his policies. But I also would really like to see the end of the world. |
| Did you hear about the malfunctioning register at the liquor store? Everything's coming up rosÈ's |
| What's black and doesn't work? Decaf coffee you racist fuck. |
| Why did the English teacher propose to Webster? She wanted to Merriam. |
| Are we having chicken tonight? OK, well keep me abreast of that. |
| It must be very confusing to have sex with William Shatner. You never know if he loves it or hates it. No, don't, stop. |
| I found out I can't cross the border while wearing a long sleeve shirt... Apparently, you aren't allowed to carry concealed weapons across the border. |
| My doctor says I need to avoid trans fats I'm really going to miss Tumblr |
| Jesus tried to solve a Rubik's cube He died on the cross. |
| What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays. I know, I know... even I'm ashamed of myself for posting this! |
| If a religious person testifies in court... ...does that mean they're a Jehovah Witness? |
| Reddit censorship is getting out of hand [removed] |
| I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day! |
| Whats the difference between a feminist and a bomb vest? A bomb vest does something when triggered. |
| What's Boba Fett's favorite magazine? Sarlacc Digest. |
| I hate eating vegetables... The wheelchair is always getting in the way |
| Did you hear about that psychic dwarf that escaped from prison? They're a small medium at large |
| Why does Eminem serve weak coffee? You only get one shot. |
| A student walks up to their teacher. Student: "Teacher, would you ever get mad at me for something I didn't do?" Teacher: "Of course not! why?" Student: "Because I didn't do my homework" |
| Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?" *Mom:* "I told you not to call me mom in public." |
| Girlfriend told me to f*ck her like a man So I put it in her ass and called her Jeff |
| I support equal rights Equal rights = Equal fights |
| What's the difference between a thief and a pervert? A thief ~~steals~~ snatches your watch, a pervert watches your snatch. EDIT: I've done fucked it up. |
| What is a seals favorite tool to use? A club as it seals the deal. |
| Why do Hunters make the best lovers? They go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and eat what they shoot at. |
| How can you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tits a lot. (What number is this old joke?) |
| A 3.14 meter long snake ! What do you call a 3.14 meter long snake ? - a "Py"thon What do you call a 43 kilometre long snake ? - a marathon ! |
| What do you call three Mexicans that jumped the border? Trespassers |
| Two wrongs don't make a right But two wrights make an airplane |
| What's the difference between a grocery store and my crush? I can get a date from the grocery store. |
| To whom was Shia LaBeouf chanting "*He will not divide us*" after he got arrested yesterday? His buttcheeks. |
| Why do women fake orgasms ? Because they think we care. :P |
| Your mother is a 10 On the Richter scale When she walks |
| Why couldn't the iguana get it up? He had a reptile dysfunction. |
| When is a door not a door? When it's ajar. |
| In the year 2040 Barron Trump runs for president of USA His platform: THE DOME. |
| What did the Buddhist monk say when he approached the hotdog stand? Make me one with everything. |
| What is the definition of relative humidity? When the sweat from your balls runs down the crack of your sisters ass ... |
| I started investing in Egyptian tourism Until I realized it was just a pyramid scheme |
| Forget everything you learned in college... 'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.' |
| Donald Trumps is not a thief! He makes alternative purchases |
| What's the opposite of progress? The president. |
| Do vaginas have taste buds? Why else would they make flavored condoms? |
| What does a gospel singer say to clear his/her throat? a hymn |
| Why is the French Revolution just like Prohibition? They both got rid of Bourbon! |
| Muslim book store in New York: A man asks if they have the latest Donald Trump book on immigration. "Fuck off, get out and don't come back" says the store owner. "That's the one!" says the man |
| What kind of fish is made of two Sodium atoms 2 Na |
| The French are debating leaving the E.U. Just like them to run when things get bad. |
| How do Reavers clean their harpoons? They put them through the Wash. |
| I judge Usain Bolt based on his race All of his races, actually. |
| I saw an iPhone store get robbed... I guess now I'm an iWitness. |
| Why do a German soldier's hands never get cold? Because they've gott mit-uns |
| Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines! |
| Women are like parking spaces... The best ones are usually taken, so when no one is looking, stick it in the disabled one. |
| Do you know what grinds my gears? Do you know what grinds my gears? I have to read the aforementioned title twice for most jokes. |
| I told my American friend the truth about living in North Korea... and now I'm typing this message from a Coffin. |
| What is the least subtle way to intimate that you are interested in coital relations? Thrust and say: I am in... Wink and say: to mate. |
| Three jews walk into a bar I lied, it was a gas chamber |
| Once this whole "global warming thing" melts the ice caps We're gonna have a canoe world order. |
| Why did the car enthusiast have trouble getting a BMW tattoo on his belly? Because he had an Audi |
| What's the best part about living in a black family? You never have to hear a dad joke. Edit. Just thought of this at work one day hope it's not a repost |
| I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms.' He said, 'Just a minute.' And I said, 'Yep, that's my brand.' |
| Photographers are so violent. They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you. |
| People at work say i'm unnecessarily rude ... but i say fuck those cunts. |
| Why did the rooster cross the road? To get to the other year. |
| What do you call a guy who hangs around with musicians? A drummer. |
| How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb? Two: one to change the light bulb, and another to hold the ladder. Safety is important, you racist fuck. |
| "So what kind of work do you do?" "I move cows" "Oh , so you're a rancher?" "Not really , I'm a zumba instructor" |
| On her deathbed my wife said, "Sweety, I will see you in Heaven." Since then I have kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage.! |
| What's worse than a girl falling asleep during sex? A girl waking up during sex. |
| Girls always tell me that I have the body of and greek god ...At least when it comes to the dick. |
| Just went to Taco Bell Got 6 tacos and a drink, the bill was $6,823.54 |
| Did you hear about the houses that fell in love? They had a lawn-distance relationship. |
| Couples, the key to keeping your bedroom fresh Febreze. |
| How many cops does it take to change a bedroom light bulb? None, they just beat the room for being black |
| What do Australians and wetting yourself in the basement have in common? They're both incontinence down under. |
| Why did the bacteriologist quit her job? She hated being microbe-managed. |
| So my girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So I put her in a castle and sent some Italian plummer to find her. |
| Why did they decide to call a correctional facility a penitentiary? Because calling it penetrationary would've ruined the surprise. |
| My girlfriend treats me like a god She ignores me till she wants to ask for something |
| Let's see Trump try to ban Muslims from entering the US We'll just make them in our bathtubs like we did during the prohibition! |
| What do Trump and Palpatine have in common? They both took power from a black man. |
| Our school should start a calculus club We would all derive fun from it |
| What's the difference between illegal and unlawful? One is against the law, the other is a sick bird. Thanks folks, tip your waitresses I'll be here all day! |
| What's a neckbeards favorite linux os? Fedora (cricket cricket) |
| What do an uncircumcised penis and the kkk have in common? They're both pricks in oversized hoods. |
| Why did the clock break? Because it was ticked. |
| What's the difference between a paedophile and a roller coaster? You have to be a over 5ft to ride a roller coaster |
| I just realized why so many car accidents happen in Russia. They're always Russian around. |
| What do you call a agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac? A person who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog. |
| What happened to the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder. |
| You can't make fun of reposted jokes Because they are older than your grandpa and deserve some respect. |
| What kind of music do people with small penises play? D minor |
| Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water, Who knows what they did up there, They came down with a daughter. Edit: the -> they |
| Yo momma so fat... ...NASA has to calculate her into every launch. |
| Donald Trump is not a rapist. He's an "alternative romantic." |
| The author of the Harry Potter books was trying so hard to be funny. But it wasn't funny to me. J.K. I was Rowling |
| *Interviewing for waiter position* I feel like I bring a lot to the table |
| How do you keep Trump busy for the rest of his term? Tell him his twitter phone is in the corner of his office. |
| What do you call equine prostitute with sore throats? Hoarse horse whores |
| What do my wife and my math teacher have in common? They both love to create problems that I am apparently supposed to solve. |
| What's the Difference between a Girl and a Woman? Prison |
| I read a sign outside my local primary school saying: "Slow children playing." I thought, fucking hell that can't do much for their self-esteem, but then I realised that they probably won't be able to read it. |
| Did you hear about that guy who got run over by a steam train? He was chuffed to bits |
| How are condoms like cameras? They capture your special moments. |
| My girlfriend's dog is starting to act like just like my girlfriend Like she hates it when I cum on her face |
| Why was the calendar nervous? His days were numbered |
| Today my dad asked what I was talking to "My imaginary friend" "Oh what's their name?" "Womens rights" |
| A good nurse always carries a pen A nurse was walking the ward when she noticed a rectal thermometer in her shirt pocket. "Some arsehole has my pen", she muttered to herself. |
| favorite movie quote of all time *"Use the force Harry"* ~*Gandalf* |
| Why are so many businessmen fat? Must be all the inflation. |
| How can you tell if someone is vegan? They'll tell you |
| When, and only then, is it okay to spit into your girlfriend's face? In case her moustache is on fire! |
| I buy every comic book I see. . . My friends say I have lots of issues. |
| How do you fit 6 million Jews into a car? Send them to clown school. |
| What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. |
| /source/eggdrop/Jokes_9.txt |
|---|
| @@ -0,0 +1,265 @@ |
|---|
| I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment". Oh really? You mean you didn't actually catch the murder on video? |
| I think my new dog thinks he is a blacksmith As soon as I took him inside he made a bolt for the door |
| What do you call the work of a renowned geologist? Rock solid |
| My friend David lost his ID yesterday... We just call him Dav now |
| How much citrus does it take to kill a pirate? None. |
| Why are women terrible drivers? Because making sandwiches behind the wheel is a lot harder than making them in the kitchen. |
| Woman : All men are dogs. Me : Which breed is your dad, bitch? |
| My sex life is just like Star Wars It's either Han Solo, or I have to use force. |
| What is the best way to break a shield apart? Seth Rollins with a chair |
| What does a hooker with good manners say after fucking her customer| "I'm so glad you came" |
| Being a father completely changed me. I'm one of those motherfuckers now. |
| What do you call a southern girl who runs faster than her brothers A virgin |
| A city girl meets a country boy in a restaurant When the buy asked her out she responded "oh I know you country boys will fuck anything that walks. Pigs, chickens, goats and horses." The boy made a disgusted grin. "chickens???" |
| My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man. So I stuck it in her ass and called her Steve |
| I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl... they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too. |
| Browser joke What do we want? Chrome/Firefox: Faster internet! When do we want it? Internet explorer: Faster internet! |
| Why Would Clint Eastwood be Bad at Restructuring a Business? He can't remember if he fired 5 or 6. |
| Are you all alright?? -YEEES - says audience -No you are all alleft |
| I thought about making a cripple joke... ... but it would be lame. |
| Whoever hates oral... Can just suck my dick. |
| What do you do for a living? Nothing edit: just to be clear this isn't me. The depth of this joke is big |
| My sister died in a car crash She did always want to be a princess |
| What is so good about dead baby jokes? They never get old |
| Shout out to tears for fears |
| How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit. |
| My wife and I got into an argument she said 'you should treat me like I'm the last woman on earth' I said- what, lock you down in the basement and let men cum on your face for a million dollars? |
| What do you call a phobia of machetes? Common sense |
| How long has Michael J. Fox had Parkinson's disease? About 30 years, just amazing, thought he would have shaken it off by now. |
| My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure. So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die. |
| I got kicked out of the library today I got kicked out of the library for putting the women's rights book in the fiction section |
| Me and my friend used to like playing war growing up one day i went to his parents house and told them their son died |
| I have beef- -aroni. |
| What do you say to a video game developer who's not that hard? Ubisoft. |
| You cant expect an honest person to beat Usain Bolt... Only a cheetah can. |
| [NSFW] What is the worst part about eating a bald pussy? Putting the diaper back on when you're done. |
| What is Eminem made of? He is made of Mathers |
| Do you know what the scientific name of Viagra is? Mycoxafloppin. |
| What do you call a clan for chickens? Coo clucks clan |
| Potter household Voldemort: knock knock James: who's there? Voldemort: you know James: you know who? Voldemort: correct James: James: Fuck |
| Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank the coffee before it was cool =? |
| What type of fishing line is best for taking out a group of 1st graders? A Sandy Hook Yes, I'm sorry. Yes, I stole this from Facebook |
| So who was the first knight at the round table? Cir-cumference! |
| My mom named her vacuum Slayer It's been around since 1981 and has fucking sucked ever since. |
| A crossfitter, a Texan, and a vegan walk into a bar. How do you know? They all tell you within 3 seconds. |
| Bad Dad Joke So my Dad told me this joke that was so bad, he only told it to me once. "I'll be right back." |
| How can you tell if a post on r/Jokes is unoriginal? It makes the front page. |
| An apple a day... Keeps the non-binary away |
| So I knocked up my Jewish girlfriend; Now we have a little Jew in the over. |
| Slept like a log last night Woke up in the fireplace. |
| Which bees produce milk? The boo-bees! |
| What did the jazz fan name his pachyderms? He called his elephants Gerald. |
| What did the kid with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves! Nah, just kidding. He hasn't unwrapped it yet. |
| New movie coming out about a golden retriever who helps a deaf boy. It's called "Ear Bud." |
| Mexico's president says he will not go to the U.S. for a meeting with Trump The wall's not even finished and it kept a Mexican out! |
| Did you know Princess Diana has dandruff? They found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment |
| My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess... So I crashed her into a wall |
| Some day, Canada will take over the world. And then we'll all be sorry. |
| I'm going to start calling my roommates dog Dray After Draymond Green, because there is no way that is part of her natural jumping motion. |
| What is a KKK member's favorite game? Hangman |
| If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined. |
| There's a lot I don't get about women The main thing being their phone number. |
| Asked my dad what he thought about my new haircut... He said it was "obsolete", so I told him that I was actually a trendsetter. He said "Yes. That trend set many years ago". |
| What do you tell a nazi with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told Richard Spencer twice! |
| How come you never see third class mail? Third class envelopes are disproportionately likely to be lost in the voyage. |
| LPT: How to stop procrastinating Step one: Prepare to do whatever it is that you need to do Step two: Do it tomorrow. This frees you from the work you would have done grudgingly, which decreases the quality anyway. |
| How much do noodles cost? How much do noodles cost? About a penne. |
| What's another name for a Japanese demon dog? A pupper-oni. |
| We're two days into the Chinese New Year, the year of the rooster and I'm still writing year of the monkey on my checks |
| Whale junior: Dad, where did I come from? Papa whale: From my penis. Whale junior: Umm thanks? Papa whale: You're whalecum |
| What movie did Trump watch with his family tonight? Wall-E |
| "Dad, I've got to masturbate." "Two maths debate! I knew I had high expectaisians!" |
| Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything. |
| Where do European generals keep their armies? In their sleevies. |
| "What do we want!" "Hearing aids!" "When do we want them!" "Hearing aids!" |
| Welcome to jim's seafood shack and brothel... (nsfw) The crabs are buy one get one free |
| [Nsfw] How do you know you have a high sperm count? She has to chew before swallowing |
| "Can we not have sex tonight? I'm tired" "Hi Tired, I'm dad" |
| There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't. |
| What's a donkeys favourite breakfast cereal? Mule-sli |
| It's not that Trump is a traitor. He's an "alternative patriot." |
| What's a Mexican midget barbers favorite restaurant? Little Cesar's |
| If Pikachu was a Nazi... ...would his name be Gasajew? |
| What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll. |
| I'm not bashing Trump I'm providing "alternate praise!" |
| I tried singing for my supper today. Looks like I'm having rotten tomato soup tonight. |
| You know why I drink apple juice? Because OJ will kill you |
| What do you call the underwear of someone experiencing nocturnal emissions? Dreamcatchers |
| I like my women like I like my coffee I don't like coffee |
| What do you call the third hand on a clock? Second hand. |
| I had my FIRST THREE WAY!!! There were a couple of no-shows, but I STILL HAD A GREAT TIME!! |
| How do lexicographers compile dictionaries? They scrabble about for words. |
| I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters. |
| What is it called when a politician craps his pants in a Honda? Civic doody. |
| Jack and Jill went up the hill So Jack could lick Jill's fanny. Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock 'cause Jill's a goddam tranny! |
| How come there are no Olympics in Mexico? Because all of the Mexicans that can run jump and swim are already in America. |
| I'm deathly afraid of elevators. I take a lot of steps to avoid them. |
| Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? It was a nice ceremony....but the reception was amazing! |
| Here is the only way to resist Trump's agenda leave a mouse trap in front of your vagina. |
| In His Lust For Knowledge The Mathemagician con-summed himself. |
| Here I was thinking that 2016 was over And now it came back for Moore |
| Shout-out to my arms For always being by my side |
| Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Alternative facts. |
| Sometimes life is like toilet paper.. You are either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole. |
| A company testing on animals just got sued for testing a chapstick on horses that made their lips burn off. They called it neigh-balm. |
| It was getting very late and my niece was getting scared. "Uncle Davey, I am scared walking out here in the forest." "You?? What about ME!? I have to walk back all by myself!" |
| What's the difference between a blue whale and a sperm whale? Depends on if she lets me nut or not. |
| Where do dads keep their jokes? In their dadabase. |
| The Trump Administration releases the contractor hired to build the infamous wall Bill DeWall, Inc. |
| What breed of dog is the most depressing...? A melancholy. |
| My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French. |
| As Jeff the street sweeper says "A clean place is not where one sweeps, but where one doesn't litter" That's why he traded in his broom for a shotgun. |
| The anti-vax movement just got its first clothing sponsor Polio Ralph Lauren |
| What was the pig when he got laryngitis...? He was dis-gruntled! |
| What drink does hitler hate the most? JUUUUICE! |
| Did you hear who Ryan Reynold's wife turned into when she found out he was having an affair? Blake Deadly. |
| How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poker face. |
| I tried making a chemistry joke today... ... But all the good element jokes Argon |
| Ivanka is pregnant again, her new baby boy is due in October. She should call him Wally. |
| A Zwitterion walks into a bar... A Zwitterion walks into a bar. The bartender asks him about his job. The Zwitterion says, "Eh, there's some positives and negatives about it". |
| I couldn't decide how to propose to the love of my life So I decided to ask her husband for advice. |
| Dave lost his left arm and left leg in an accident 3 years ago. Don't worry, he's all right now. |
| What do you get when you mix a bell with poop? Duuuuuuung |
| A truck load of Viagra was stolen yesterday Police don't know who did it, but they're on the lookout for hardened criminals. |
| The other day I snuck a peek at my shrink's notes and I saw she'd written "MESSIAH COMPLEX" in big capital letters. It caught me off guard. I've known I'm the messiah all of my life but I've never been called complex before. |
| Did you know Trump played soccer in high school? He was a goalkeeper, set up a wall like you've never seen... |
| No one talked about it but the threat level was raised on January 20th, 2017 They raised it to orange. |
| What has nine arms and sucks? Def Leppard |
| There was a fight in the fish n chips shop the other day The fish got battered! |
| I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley Thanks to months of therapy, I'm finally battling my Damons. |
| Blind people of Reddit. I was watching a movie called 23 Blast (about a football player that went blind) and was curious if you can see when you're dreaming. Oh. . . wait a minute. |
| Dad Joke Kid laugh Edit : I've made a huge spelling mistake |
| I used to have a weird affliction that caused me to alter all my Reddit posts to add the names of my favourite Frasier and Cheers actors but I'm over it now. Edit: Grammer |
| It's now apparently politically incorrect to say "Black paint" Now you have to say "Tyrone can you please go paint the fence?". |
| Why aren't Mexicans good Firefighters? Because they don't know the difference between "JosÈ" and "Hose B" |
| What do you call a pathetic number of chickens? A poultry sum. |
| Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger kill insects? Because he's an ex-terminator |
| The best thing about ISIS jokes? The execution |
| Did you hear Apple is going into the wine business? Their vineyard will produce every varietal of wine... except ports. |
| You know what's black and doesn't work? Decaffeinated coffee. |
| Virgin mary enters into heaven as soon as she gets in she notices a hot dog stand. She blushes and giggling says "the holy spirit!" |
| "Have you heard the news? "What?" "Me neither. " |
| My wife said she hates Diablo 3 because it's about demons I said, babe, it's not about demons, its about gambling! |
| Trump is supporting the minorities The minority of scientists that disbelieve global warming. |
| I climaxed on a blind girl's boobs yesterday She didn't see it coming |
| Bury it... ...it's my dad's 'dead joke'. |
| What does a sailor in the navy farts smell like? Seaman. |
| What do you call a cow who's had an abortion? Decaffeinated |
| There's a brand new cemetery in town Everybody is dying to get in |
| What do you call an Asian guy that always shows up before he needs to? Earl Lee |
| The biggest lie "I have read the terms and conditions" |
| Jenny Craig I dropped 40 pounds on Jenny Craig. I think I broke her leg! |
| I head the singer of "Chandelier" is visiting my town I'm looking out for her, but I just can't Sia! |
| Do you know the story about the invisible nymphomaniac? They say you never see her coming. |
| Why did Johnny Cash have the Cocaine Blues? He ran out of cocaine. |
| The US should rejoin Great Britain Its not like we mind Taxation without representation anymore. |
| A Trump supporter tells a reporter, "Everyone knows we're great at taking tests." Reporter: "What gives you that idea?" Trump supporter: "Everyone keeps calling us 'quiz-lings'." |
| A stopped clock is correct two times a day, but how many times is it wrong? |
| It's stay lighter later in the evening. Great now I can your moms ugly face. |
| My friend just found out that he is both gay and dyslexic. He is still in Daniel. |
| Did you hear why the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus shut down? Because the Trump administration is now the greatest show on earth! |
| My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats That's nuts, I told him |
| Alternate Lyrics: I kissed a Trans and I liked it. The taste of her hairy lap stick. |
| What is the center of a gay apple's life? DÈcor. |
| Why was the cookie so sad? Because his mother was a wafer so long. |
| Life is like toilet paper... Life is like toilet paper, you?re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole. |
| My girlfriend told me that if I took her to get sushi, I didn't have to use a condom after. She's getting the raw end of that deal! |
| I read an article recently on Hitler's speechwriter... Apparently he was a real grammar Nazi. |
| How do you like your eggs in the morning? Boiled, poached, scrambled or fertilised? |
| Aussie chat up line "...bite on this stick sheila..." |
| It's difficult being a dyslexic agnostic I'm never quite sure whether or not there's a dog |
| The secret to making your computer a modern racist? Hold Alt+R |
| Have you ever had sex while camping? It's fucking in tents. |
| Tortoises ... are nazi turtles |
| What did the Hawaiian Jihadist say before he died? Aloha Ackbar! |
| Heard about the fruit that became a president? He got impeached. |
| My date was impressed when I said I really want to see her inner-beauty. She was less impressed when I asked to see inside her butt hole to spot it. |
| Why do batteries feel lonely? Because they are never included in anything. |
| Why do they call "roach-clips", "roach-clips"??? because potholder was already taken. I know it's like a venn diagram of drug jokes and dad jokes. |
| Dad tell me a joke[nsfw] "Hey dad tell me a joke" Dad:"Pussy" Son:"I don't get it" Dad:"I know hahahaha" |
| What's the difference between a chickpea and a green pea? Trump wouldn't pay $1000 to have a green pea on him. |
| NSFW My girlfriend was arrested for riding her bike today. She was charged with peddling pussy. |
| I posted a question about the brightest star in the night sky, but all I got were joke replies. Should've added the [Sirius] tag. |
| I walked in on my parents having sex last night... Possibly the most awkward 45 minutes of my life... |
| How come Abraham Lincoln never went to jail? Because he was in a cent |
| How was there no jackass in a giant penis costume at the women's March? That would of been hilarious. You would never see feminists beat a dick so hard. |
| I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years. |
| What do you call a 20th century grammar nazi? Alt-Write |
| Need your best Short Jokes One sentence max, I'll start: A Dyslexic walks into a bra |
| How do you get a Jewish girl's number? Lift up her sleeve. |
| Artistic people of Reddit, what is being artistic really like? And can I get fries with that? |
| Why did Purple hate Red? Because she left him feeling Blue |
| What was Albert Einsteins DJ name? MC Squared |
| What have women and clouds got in common? It only becomes a nice day after they piss off. |
| Friends are a lot like trees... They fall down when hit multiple times with an axe. |
| A man has been shot with a starting pistol... The police are pretty sure it's race related. |
| An SEO Expert walks into a bar An SEO Expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, nightclub, mini bar, bar stool, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey. |
| Shout out to all my people with split personality disorder You know who you are |
| What is Blastoise's favourite sex move? Hydrohump. |
| Did you hear about the fire at the hemp factory? It was high priority for the firefighters to get there. |
| What's the 8th wonder of the world? Great Wall of Jina |
| I have a new advice podcast for senile Tarantino fans It's called "I Don't Remember Asking You a GOD Damn Thing" |
| A 79 year old pirate has his next birthday this morning.... he wakes up and says to his crew, "AYE-matey!" |
| Only 90's-2000's kids will understand I am a financially stable and responsible adult, and my life is completely in order. Excuse me while I go drown myself in alcohol. |
| Why did pyramid head always drag his weapon around? Because its illegal to carry! |
| What Does Donald Trump Have in Common With London Dispersion Forces? They are both easily pushed to one side and can take a negative charge. |
| I like my women like my salad Undressed |
| Everybody's making a big deal about the Mexican president canceling his meeting with Trump... The wall isn't even built yet and it's already kept out at least one Mexican. |
| After nine years of being together, I finally got down on one knee. And begged her to take it up the arse. |
| I took my kid to a magic show... I took my kid to a magic show last night. The magician announced that for his final trick, he was going to make himself disappear. And so he began to count: "Uno! Dos!" And then he vanished without a tres! |
| Minecraft is not a video game Real video games have curves |
| Why do Republican libertarians play Xbox more than their friends? They hate it when everything has to be PC. |
| What do you call a dating agency for well-to-do herpes sufferers? Elite Shingles |
| Describe THE WALL in one word Yuuuge! |
| What's the hardest part of playing ultimate frisbee? Explaining to your parents that you're gay. |
| What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell |
| A Trump supporter decides to protest with his gun outside of a mosque. What should the police do? Nothing. He'll eventually shoot himself in the foot. |
| The Oakland Raiders are moving to Las Vegas. Thus making "went to a Raiders game" yet another thing people won't talk about when they get home from Vegas. |
| I took a vacation to a city in France. It was Nice. |
| In the middle east its hard to tell who's crazy, And Hussein. |
| Australians don't have sex They mate |
| Why do pirates never quit their jobs? Because once they lose a hand they get hooked. |
| I had a thought the other day Losing 15 pounds sounds a lot better in America than in England. |
| What does a robot do after sex? Nuts and bolts. |
| I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y. |
| Dad Joke Dad: (Grabs his chest) Call me an ambulance Son: You are........ an ambulance Dad: Proud of you son. |
| What type of music do astronauts love? Neptunes! |
| A steak pun is A rare medium well done. |
| Sugar is the only word in English language in which "Su" is pronounced as "Shu". I am pretty sure about it. |
| Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie |
| I really like Windows as an OS. You could say I have a Micro_soft_ spot for it. |
| I went to Kennedy Space Center to become an astronaut, but the scientists were not very supportive. They just said things like, "You're not qualified" and "Why are you naked?" and "I CAN'T CATCH HIM HE'S COVERED IN BABY OIL." |
| What does the Surgeon General, the Postmaster General, and the General of the Army have in common? I'm running all of their alt twitter accounts. |
| What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vader? An elevader. |
| There is a place with a 98% recycling rate! r/Jokes |
| How does a seamstress reply to someone asking her how her day was? So,so..... |
| Shout-out to my grandma Because that's the only way she can hear me. |
| As a guy, it's not that I have anything against psychiatric wards... I'm just afraid of commitment. |
| We have a strange custom in our office. We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Kevin" |
| A wife dragged her husband to their marriage counselor appointment with his fishing net. "Do you see what I have to put up with," the wife says. "Yes," said the counselor. "He's obviously in seine." |
| What climate scientist does Disney follow on twitter? The rogue one |
| What did the boy with no arms get for christmas? Cancer. |
| A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?" |
| What's the best part of being a lesbian in 1912? Both got seats on the titanic's lifeboats. |
| What you call a black guy with a lower body growth disorder? Knee-grow |
| What camp were jewish pets sent to? Mousevitz |
| What is a Physicist's favorite author? Joules Verne |
| What do you call an emo on a hiking trip? Cliffhanger. |
| What do Germans say when you send them a fire meme? Danke! |
| To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present They're due back at the library today. |
| What did the detective say when it started to rain I better run don't want my trench coat to become a drench coat |
| What do you call hamburger in India ? God |
| What's the opposite of Tim Walken? Tim Daly. |
| I rang the RSPCA hotline... I rang the RSPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road "Are they moving?" asked the operator "Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase" |
| What's the difference between a priest and a sister? Nun |
| I was listening to my German Student perform Goldfish by Debussy... Unfortunately, his playing was rather Vichy. |
| Why did Dracula fail math? He forgot how to Count. |
| why did Saturn get a ring? told god, "if you like it, then you better put a ring on it" |
| Are you a good cook? colleage - Oh you cook!! How good of a cook are you? me - the hungrier you are, the better i am. |
| I'm not sure if Trump will be re-elected I don't have 2020 vision. |
| What did Barak say to Joe on the last day of his presidency? "Bi-den. Keep in touch" |
| My professor just said that the particle of light is like a bullet... The black objects absorb more. |
| What do you call a bionic pig? Robocop |
| Why was the anomaly so poor? Because it didn't make any cents! |
| A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff... Baa dum tssssss |
| The European Union is disgusting! Absolutely disgusting! EU! |
| /source/eggdrop/softban.lsl |
|---|
| @@ -0,0 +1,611 @@ |
|---|
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) Wizardry and Steamworks 2016 - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // |
| // A module that bans group members using fuzzy name matching. |
| // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2014 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| string wasKeyValueGet(string k, string data) { |
| if(llStringLength(data) == 0) return ""; |
| if(llStringLength(k) == 0) return ""; |
| list a = llParseString2List(data, ["&", "="], []); |
| integer i = llListFindList(a, [ k ]); |
| if(i != -1) return llList2String(a, i+1); |
| return ""; |
| } |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2013 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| string wasKeyValueEncode(list data) { |
| list k = llList2ListStrided(data, 0, -1, 2); |
| list v = llList2ListStrided(llDeleteSubList(data, 0, 0), 0, -1, 2); |
| data = []; |
| do { |
| data += llList2String(k, 0) + "=" + llList2String(v, 0); |
| k = llDeleteSubList(k, 0, 0); |
| v = llDeleteSubList(v, 0, 0); |
| } while(llGetListLength(k) != 0); |
| return llDumpList2String(data, "&"); |
| } |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2011 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // http://was.fm/secondlife/wanderer |
| vector wasCirclePoint(float radius) { |
| float x = llPow(-1, 1 + (integer) llFrand(2)) * llFrand(radius*2); |
| float y = llPow(-1, 1 + (integer) llFrand(2)) * llFrand(radius*2); |
| if(llPow(x,2) + llPow(y,2) <= llPow(radius,2)) |
| return <x, y, 0>; |
| return wasCirclePoint(radius); |
| } |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2015 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // escapes a string in conformance with RFC1738 |
| string wasURLEscape(string i) { |
| string o = ""; |
| do { |
| string c = llGetSubString(i, 0, 0); |
| i = llDeleteSubString(i, 0, 0); |
| if(c == "") jump continue; |
| if(c == " ") { |
| o += "+"; |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| if(c == "\n") { |
| o += "%0D" + llEscapeURL(c); |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| o += llEscapeURL(c); |
| @continue; |
| } while(i != ""); |
| return o; |
| } |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2015 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| list wasCSVToList(string csv) { |
| list l = []; |
| list s = []; |
| string m = ""; |
| do { |
| string a = llGetSubString(csv, 0, 0); |
| csv = llDeleteSubString(csv, 0, 0); |
| if(a == ",") { |
| if(llList2String(s, -1) != "\"") { |
| l += m; |
| m = ""; |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| m += a; |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| if(a == "\"" && llGetSubString(csv, 0, 0) == a) { |
| m += a; |
| csv = llDeleteSubString(csv, 0, 0); |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| if(a == "\"") { |
| if(llList2String(s, -1) != a) { |
| s += a; |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| s = llDeleteSubList(s, -1, -1); |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| m += a; |
| @continue; |
| } while(csv != ""); |
| // postcondition: length(s) = 0 |
| return l + m; |
| } |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2015 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| string wasListToCSV(list l) { |
| list v = []; |
| do { |
| string a = llDumpList2String( |
| llParseStringKeepNulls( |
| llList2String( |
| l, |
| 0 |
| ), |
| ["\""], |
| [] |
| ), |
| "\"\"" |
| ); |
| if(llParseStringKeepNulls( |
| a, |
| [" ", ",", "\n", "\""], [] |
| ) != |
| (list) a |
| ) a = "\"" + a + "\""; |
| v += a; |
| l = llDeleteSubList(l, 0, 0); |
| } while(l != []); |
| return llDumpList2String(v, ","); |
| } |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2015 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // unescapes a string in conformance with RFC1738 |
| string wasURLUnescape(string i) { |
| return llUnescapeURL( |
| llDumpList2String( |
| llParseString2List( |
| llDumpList2String( |
| llParseString2List( |
| i, |
| ["+"], |
| [] |
| ), |
| " " |
| ), |
| ["%0D%0A"], |
| [] |
| ), |
| "\n" |
| ) |
| ); |
| } |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2017 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| list wasSetIntersect(list a, list b) { |
| if(llGetListLength(a) == 0) return []; |
| string i = llList2String(a, 0); |
| a = llDeleteSubList(a, 0, 0); |
| if(llListFindList(b, (list)i) == -1) |
| return wasSetIntersect(a, b); |
| return i + wasSetIntersect(a, b); |
| } |
| |
| // configuration data |
| string configuration = ""; |
| // callback URL |
| string URL = ""; |
| // store message over state. |
| string data = ""; |
| // banee |
| string firstname = ""; |
| string lastname = ""; |
| integer bantime = 4320; |
| |
| default { |
| state_entry() { |
| llOwnerSay("[Softban] Starting..."); |
| llSetTimerEvent(10); |
| } |
| link_message(integer sender, integer num, string message, key id) { |
| if(id != "configuration") return; |
| llOwnerSay("[Softban] Got configuration..."); |
| configuration = message; |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| timer() { |
| llOwnerSay("[Softban] Requesting configuration..."); |
| llMessageLinked(LINK_THIS, 0, "configuration", NULL_KEY); |
| } |
| on_rez(integer num) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| changed(integer change) { |
| if((change & CHANGED_INVENTORY) || |
| (change & CHANGED_REGION_START) || |
| (change & CHANGED_OWNER)) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| } |
| state_exit() { |
| llSetTimerEvent(0); |
| } |
| } |
| |
| state listen_group { |
| state_entry() { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softban] Waiting for group messages..."); |
| } |
| link_message(integer sender, integer num, string message, key id) { |
| // We only care about notifications now. |
| if(id != "notification") |
| return; |
| |
| // This script only processes group notifications. |
| if(wasKeyValueGet("type", message) != "group") |
| return; |
| |
| // Get the sent message. |
| data = wasURLUnescape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "message", |
| message |
| ) |
| ); |
| |
| // Check if this is an eggdrop command. |
| if(llGetSubString(data, 0, 0) != |
| wasKeyValueGet("command", configuration)) |
| return; |
| |
| // Check if the command matches the current module. |
| list command = llParseString2List(data, [" "], []); |
| if(llList2String(command, 0) != |
| wasKeyValueGet("command", configuration) + "softban") |
| return; |
| |
| // Remove command. |
| command = llDeleteSubList(command, 0, 0); |
| |
| firstname = wasKeyValueGet("firstname", message); |
| lastname = wasKeyValueGet("lastname", message); |
| |
| if(firstname == "" || lastname == "") { |
| data = "And who would yarr be?"; |
| state tell; |
| } |
| |
| // Dump the rest of the message. |
| data = llDumpList2String(command, " "); |
| |
| // Get an URL. |
| state url; |
| } |
| on_rez(integer num) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| changed(integer change) { |
| if((change & CHANGED_INVENTORY) || |
| (change & CHANGED_REGION_START) || |
| (change & CHANGED_OWNER)) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| } |
| } |
| |
| state url { |
| state_entry() { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softban] Requesting URL..."); |
| llRequestURL(); |
| } |
| http_request(key id, string method, string body) { |
| if(method != URL_REQUEST_GRANTED) return; |
| URL = body; |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softban] Got URL..."); |
| state get_caller_roles; |
| } |
| on_rez(integer num) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| changed(integer change) { |
| if((change & CHANGED_INVENTORY) || |
| (change & CHANGED_REGION_START) || |
| (change & CHANGED_OWNER)) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| } |
| } |
| |
| state get_caller_roles { |
| state_entry() { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softban] Searching for caller..."); |
| llInstantMessage( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "corrade", |
| configuration |
| ), |
| wasKeyValueEncode( |
| [ |
| "command", "getmemberroles", |
| "group", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "group", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "password", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "password", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "firstname", firstname, |
| "lastname", lastname, |
| "callback", wasURLEscape(URL) |
| ] |
| ) |
| ); |
| llSetTimerEvent(60); |
| } |
| http_request(key id, string method, string body) { |
| llHTTPResponse(id, 200, "OK"); |
| if(wasKeyValueGet("command", body) != "getmemberroles" || |
| wasKeyValueGet("success", body) != "True") { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softban] Unable to get member roles: " + |
| wasURLUnescape( |
| wasKeyValueGet("error", body) |
| ) |
| ); |
| llReleaseURL(URL); |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| |
| // Dump the roles to a list. |
| list roles = wasCSVToList( |
| wasURLUnescape( |
| wasKeyValueGet("data", body) |
| ) |
| ); |
| |
| if(llGetListLength( |
| wasSetIntersect(roles, |
| wasCSVToList( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "admin roles", configuration |
| ) |
| ) |
| ) |
| ) == 0) { |
| data = "You ain't got the cojones!"; |
| llReleaseURL(URL); |
| state tell; |
| } |
| |
| list banee = llParseString2List(data, [" "], []); |
| |
| firstname = llList2String(banee, 0); |
| banee = llDeleteSubList(banee, 0, 0); |
| lastname = llList2String(banee, 0); |
| banee = llDeleteSubList(banee, 0, 0); |
| |
| if(firstname == "" || lastname == "") { |
| data = "Full name required."; |
| state tell; |
| } |
| |
| if(llGetListLength(banee) != 0 && llList2Integer(banee, 0) != 0) { |
| bantime = llList2Integer(banee, 0); |
| banee = llDeleteSubList(banee, 0, 0); |
| } |
| |
| // GC |
| banee = []; |
| state get_banee_roles; |
| } |
| timer() { |
| llReleaseURL(URL); |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| on_rez(integer num) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| changed(integer change) { |
| if((change & CHANGED_INVENTORY) || |
| (change & CHANGED_REGION_START) || |
| (change & CHANGED_OWNER)) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| } |
| state_exit() { |
| llSetTimerEvent(0); |
| } |
| } |
| |
| state get_banee_roles { |
| state_entry() { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softban] Searching for banee..."); |
| llInstantMessage( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "corrade", |
| configuration |
| ), |
| wasKeyValueEncode( |
| [ |
| "command", "getmemberroles", |
| "group", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "group", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "password", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "password", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "firstname", firstname, |
| "lastname", lastname, |
| "callback", wasURLEscape(URL) |
| ] |
| ) |
| ); |
| llSetTimerEvent(60); |
| } |
| http_request(key id, string method, string body) { |
| llHTTPResponse(id, 200, "OK"); |
| if(wasKeyValueGet("command", body) != "getmemberroles" || |
| wasKeyValueGet("success", body) != "True") { |
| if(wasKeyValueGet("status", body) == "19862") { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softban] User not in group, but proceeding anyway..."); |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softban] Unable to get member roles: " + |
| wasURLUnescape( |
| wasKeyValueGet("error", body) |
| ) |
| ); |
| llReleaseURL(URL); |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| |
| @continue; |
| string result = wasURLUnescape( |
| wasKeyValueGet("data", body) |
| ); |
| |
| if(result != "" && llListFindList(wasCSVToList(result), (list)"Owners") != -1) { |
| data = "Ejectee is an owner. I'm not gunna open the pod bay doors."; |
| llReleaseURL(URL); |
| state tell; |
| } |
| |
| state ban; |
| } |
| timer() { |
| llReleaseURL(URL); |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| on_rez(integer num) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| changed(integer change) { |
| if((change & CHANGED_INVENTORY) || |
| (change & CHANGED_REGION_START) || |
| (change & CHANGED_OWNER)) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| } |
| state_exit() { |
| llSetTimerEvent(0); |
| } |
| } |
| |
| state ban { |
| state_entry() { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softban] Banning..."); |
| llInstantMessage( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "corrade", |
| configuration |
| ), |
| wasKeyValueEncode( |
| [ |
| "command", "softban", |
| "group", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "group", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "password", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "password", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "action", "ban", |
| "avatars", wasURLEscape( |
| wasListToCSV( |
| [ |
| firstname + " " + lastname |
| ] |
| ) |
| ), |
| "time", wasURLEscape( |
| wasListToCSV( |
| [ |
| bantime |
| ] |
| ) |
| ), |
| "callback", wasURLEscape(URL) |
| ] |
| ) |
| ); |
| llSetTimerEvent(60); |
| } |
| http_request(key id, string method, string body) { |
| llHTTPResponse(id, 200, "OK"); |
| llReleaseURL(URL); |
| if(wasKeyValueGet("command", body) != "softban" || |
| wasKeyValueGet("success", body) != "True") { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softban] Unable to soft ban member: " + |
| wasURLUnescape( |
| wasKeyValueGet("error", body) |
| ) |
| ); |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| |
| data = "Hasta la vista, baby!"; |
| |
| state tell; |
| } |
| timer() { |
| llReleaseURL(URL); |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| on_rez(integer num) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| changed(integer change) { |
| if((change & CHANGED_INVENTORY) || |
| (change & CHANGED_REGION_START) || |
| (change & CHANGED_OWNER)) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| } |
| state_exit() { |
| llSetTimerEvent(0); |
| } |
| } |
| |
| state tell { |
| state_entry() { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softban] Sending to group."); |
| llInstantMessage( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "corrade", |
| configuration |
| ), |
| wasKeyValueEncode( |
| [ |
| "command", "tell", |
| "group", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "group", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "password", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "password", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "entity", "group", |
| "message", wasURLEscape(data) |
| ] |
| ) |
| ); |
| |
| // reset variables. |
| bantime = 4320; |
| |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| } |
| /source/eggdrop/softunban.lsl |
|---|
| @@ -0,0 +1,594 @@ |
|---|
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) Wizardry and Steamworks 2016 - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // |
| // A module that unbans group members using fuzzy name matching. |
| // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2014 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| string wasKeyValueGet(string k, string data) { |
| if(llStringLength(data) == 0) return ""; |
| if(llStringLength(k) == 0) return ""; |
| list a = llParseString2List(data, ["&", "="], []); |
| integer i = llListFindList(a, [ k ]); |
| if(i != -1) return llList2String(a, i+1); |
| return ""; |
| } |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2013 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| string wasKeyValueEncode(list data) { |
| list k = llList2ListStrided(data, 0, -1, 2); |
| list v = llList2ListStrided(llDeleteSubList(data, 0, 0), 0, -1, 2); |
| data = []; |
| do { |
| data += llList2String(k, 0) + "=" + llList2String(v, 0); |
| k = llDeleteSubList(k, 0, 0); |
| v = llDeleteSubList(v, 0, 0); |
| } while(llGetListLength(k) != 0); |
| return llDumpList2String(data, "&"); |
| } |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2011 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // http://was.fm/secondlife/wanderer |
| vector wasCirclePoint(float radius) { |
| float x = llPow(-1, 1 + (integer) llFrand(2)) * llFrand(radius*2); |
| float y = llPow(-1, 1 + (integer) llFrand(2)) * llFrand(radius*2); |
| if(llPow(x,2) + llPow(y,2) <= llPow(radius,2)) |
| return <x, y, 0>; |
| return wasCirclePoint(radius); |
| } |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2015 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // escapes a string in conformance with RFC1738 |
| string wasURLEscape(string i) { |
| string o = ""; |
| do { |
| string c = llGetSubString(i, 0, 0); |
| i = llDeleteSubString(i, 0, 0); |
| if(c == "") jump continue; |
| if(c == " ") { |
| o += "+"; |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| if(c == "\n") { |
| o += "%0D" + llEscapeURL(c); |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| o += llEscapeURL(c); |
| @continue; |
| } while(i != ""); |
| return o; |
| } |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2015 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| list wasCSVToList(string csv) { |
| list l = []; |
| list s = []; |
| string m = ""; |
| do { |
| string a = llGetSubString(csv, 0, 0); |
| csv = llDeleteSubString(csv, 0, 0); |
| if(a == ",") { |
| if(llList2String(s, -1) != "\"") { |
| l += m; |
| m = ""; |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| m += a; |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| if(a == "\"" && llGetSubString(csv, 0, 0) == a) { |
| m += a; |
| csv = llDeleteSubString(csv, 0, 0); |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| if(a == "\"") { |
| if(llList2String(s, -1) != a) { |
| s += a; |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| s = llDeleteSubList(s, -1, -1); |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| m += a; |
| @continue; |
| } while(csv != ""); |
| // postcondition: length(s) = 0 |
| return l + m; |
| } |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2015 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| string wasListToCSV(list l) { |
| list v = []; |
| do { |
| string a = llDumpList2String( |
| llParseStringKeepNulls( |
| llList2String( |
| l, |
| 0 |
| ), |
| ["\""], |
| [] |
| ), |
| "\"\"" |
| ); |
| if(llParseStringKeepNulls( |
| a, |
| [" ", ",", "\n", "\""], [] |
| ) != |
| (list) a |
| ) a = "\"" + a + "\""; |
| v += a; |
| l = llDeleteSubList(l, 0, 0); |
| } while(l != []); |
| return llDumpList2String(v, ","); |
| } |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2015 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // unescapes a string in conformance with RFC1738 |
| string wasURLUnescape(string i) { |
| return llUnescapeURL( |
| llDumpList2String( |
| llParseString2List( |
| llDumpList2String( |
| llParseString2List( |
| i, |
| ["+"], |
| [] |
| ), |
| " " |
| ), |
| ["%0D%0A"], |
| [] |
| ), |
| "\n" |
| ) |
| ); |
| } |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2017 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| list wasSetIntersect(list a, list b) { |
| if(llGetListLength(a) == 0) return []; |
| string i = llList2String(a, 0); |
| a = llDeleteSubList(a, 0, 0); |
| if(llListFindList(b, (list)i) == -1) |
| return wasSetIntersect(a, b); |
| return i + wasSetIntersect(a, b); |
| } |
| |
| // configuration data |
| string configuration = ""; |
| // callback URL |
| string URL = ""; |
| // store message over state. |
| string data = ""; |
| // banee |
| string firstname = ""; |
| string lastname = ""; |
| |
| default { |
| state_entry() { |
| llOwnerSay("[Softunban] Starting..."); |
| llSetTimerEvent(10); |
| } |
| link_message(integer sender, integer num, string message, key id) { |
| if(id != "configuration") return; |
| llOwnerSay("[Softunban] Got configuration..."); |
| configuration = message; |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| timer() { |
| llOwnerSay("[Softunban] Requesting configuration..."); |
| llMessageLinked(LINK_THIS, 0, "configuration", NULL_KEY); |
| } |
| on_rez(integer num) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| changed(integer change) { |
| if((change & CHANGED_INVENTORY) || |
| (change & CHANGED_REGION_START) || |
| (change & CHANGED_OWNER)) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| } |
| state_exit() { |
| llSetTimerEvent(0); |
| } |
| } |
| |
| state listen_group { |
| state_entry() { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softunban] Waiting for group messages..."); |
| } |
| link_message(integer sender, integer num, string message, key id) { |
| // We only care about notifications now. |
| if(id != "notification") |
| return; |
| |
| // This script only processes group notifications. |
| if(wasKeyValueGet("type", message) != "group") |
| return; |
| |
| // Get the sent message. |
| data = wasURLUnescape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "message", |
| message |
| ) |
| ); |
| |
| // Check if this is an eggdrop command. |
| if(llGetSubString(data, 0, 0) != |
| wasKeyValueGet("command", configuration)) |
| return; |
| |
| // Check if the command matches the current module. |
| list command = llParseString2List(data, [" "], []); |
| if(llList2String(command, 0) != |
| wasKeyValueGet("command", configuration) + "softunban") |
| return; |
| |
| // Remove command. |
| command = llDeleteSubList(command, 0, 0); |
| |
| firstname = wasKeyValueGet("firstname", message); |
| lastname = wasKeyValueGet("lastname", message); |
| |
| if(firstname == "" || lastname == "") { |
| data = "And who would yarr be?"; |
| state tell; |
| } |
| |
| // Dump the rest of the message. |
| data = llDumpList2String(command, " "); |
| |
| // Get an URL. |
| state url; |
| } |
| on_rez(integer num) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| changed(integer change) { |
| if((change & CHANGED_INVENTORY) || |
| (change & CHANGED_REGION_START) || |
| (change & CHANGED_OWNER)) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| } |
| } |
| |
| state url { |
| state_entry() { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softunban] Requesting URL..."); |
| llRequestURL(); |
| } |
| http_request(key id, string method, string body) { |
| if(method != URL_REQUEST_GRANTED) return; |
| URL = body; |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softunban] Got URL..."); |
| state get_caller_roles; |
| } |
| on_rez(integer num) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| changed(integer change) { |
| if((change & CHANGED_INVENTORY) || |
| (change & CHANGED_REGION_START) || |
| (change & CHANGED_OWNER)) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| } |
| } |
| |
| state get_caller_roles { |
| state_entry() { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softunban] Searching for caller..."); |
| llInstantMessage( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "corrade", |
| configuration |
| ), |
| wasKeyValueEncode( |
| [ |
| "command", "getmemberroles", |
| "group", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "group", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "password", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "password", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "firstname", firstname, |
| "lastname", lastname, |
| "callback", wasURLEscape(URL) |
| ] |
| ) |
| ); |
| llSetTimerEvent(60); |
| } |
| http_request(key id, string method, string body) { |
| llHTTPResponse(id, 200, "OK"); |
| if(wasKeyValueGet("command", body) != "getmemberroles" || |
| wasKeyValueGet("success", body) != "True") { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softunban] Unable to get member roles: " + |
| wasURLUnescape( |
| wasKeyValueGet("error", body) |
| ) |
| ); |
| llReleaseURL(URL); |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| |
| // Dump the roles to a list. |
| list roles = wasCSVToList( |
| wasURLUnescape( |
| wasKeyValueGet("data", body) |
| ) |
| ); |
| |
| if(llGetListLength( |
| wasSetIntersect(roles, |
| wasCSVToList( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "admin roles", configuration |
| ) |
| ) |
| ) |
| ) == 0) { |
| data = "You ain't got the cojones!"; |
| llReleaseURL(URL); |
| state tell; |
| } |
| |
| list banee = llParseString2List(data, [" "], []); |
| |
| firstname = llList2String(banee, 0); |
| lastname = llList2String(banee, 1); |
| |
| if(firstname == "" || lastname == "") { |
| data = "Full name required."; |
| state tell; |
| } |
| |
| // GC |
| banee = []; |
| state get_banee_roles; |
| } |
| timer() { |
| llReleaseURL(URL); |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| on_rez(integer num) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| changed(integer change) { |
| if((change & CHANGED_INVENTORY) || |
| (change & CHANGED_REGION_START) || |
| (change & CHANGED_OWNER)) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| } |
| state_exit() { |
| llSetTimerEvent(0); |
| } |
| } |
| |
| state get_banee_roles { |
| state_entry() { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softunban] Searching for banee..."); |
| llInstantMessage( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "corrade", |
| configuration |
| ), |
| wasKeyValueEncode( |
| [ |
| "command", "getmemberroles", |
| "group", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "group", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "password", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "password", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "firstname", firstname, |
| "lastname", lastname, |
| "callback", wasURLEscape(URL) |
| ] |
| ) |
| ); |
| llSetTimerEvent(60); |
| } |
| http_request(key id, string method, string body) { |
| llHTTPResponse(id, 200, "OK"); |
| if(wasKeyValueGet("command", body) != "getmemberroles" || |
| wasKeyValueGet("success", body) != "True") { |
| if(wasKeyValueGet("status", body) == "19862") { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softunban] User not in group, but proceeding anyway..."); |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softunban] Unable to get member roles: " + |
| wasURLUnescape( |
| wasKeyValueGet("error", body) |
| ) |
| ); |
| llReleaseURL(URL); |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| |
| string result = wasURLUnescape( |
| wasKeyValueGet("data", body) |
| ); |
| |
| if(result != "" && llListFindList(wasCSVToList(result), (list)"Owners") != -1) { |
| data = "Ejectee is an owner. I'm not gonna open the pod bay doors."; |
| llReleaseURL(URL); |
| state tell; |
| } |
| |
| @continue; |
| |
| state unban; |
| } |
| timer() { |
| llReleaseURL(URL); |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| on_rez(integer num) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| changed(integer change) { |
| if((change & CHANGED_INVENTORY) || |
| (change & CHANGED_REGION_START) || |
| (change & CHANGED_OWNER)) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| } |
| state_exit() { |
| llSetTimerEvent(0); |
| } |
| } |
| |
| state unban { |
| state_entry() { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softunban] Unbanning..."); |
| llInstantMessage( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "corrade", |
| configuration |
| ), |
| wasKeyValueEncode( |
| [ |
| "command", "softban", |
| "group", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "group", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "password", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "password", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "action", "unban", |
| "avatars", wasURLEscape( |
| wasListToCSV( |
| [ |
| firstname + " " + lastname |
| ] |
| ) |
| ), |
| "callback", wasURLEscape(URL) |
| ] |
| ) |
| ); |
| llSetTimerEvent(60); |
| } |
| http_request(key id, string method, string body) { |
| llHTTPResponse(id, 200, "OK"); |
| llReleaseURL(URL); |
| if(wasKeyValueGet("command", body) != "softban" || |
| wasKeyValueGet("success", body) != "True") { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softunban] Unable to ban member: " + |
| wasURLUnescape( |
| wasKeyValueGet("error", body) |
| ) |
| ); |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| |
| data = "They'll be bak!"; |
| |
| state tell; |
| } |
| timer() { |
| llReleaseURL(URL); |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| on_rez(integer num) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| changed(integer change) { |
| if((change & CHANGED_INVENTORY) || |
| (change & CHANGED_REGION_START) || |
| (change & CHANGED_OWNER)) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| } |
| state_exit() { |
| llSetTimerEvent(0); |
| } |
| } |
| |
| state tell { |
| state_entry() { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Softunban] Sending to group."); |
| llInstantMessage( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "corrade", |
| configuration |
| ), |
| wasKeyValueEncode( |
| [ |
| "command", "tell", |
| "group", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "group", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "password", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "password", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "entity", "group", |
| "message", wasURLEscape(data) |
| ] |
| ) |
| ); |
| |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| } |
| /source/eggdrop/stitch.lsl |
|---|
| @@ -0,0 +1,528 @@ |
|---|
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) Wizardry and Steamworks 2016 - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // |
| // A module that upgrades or downgrades Corrade via Stitch. |
| // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2014 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| string wasKeyValueGet(string k, string data) { |
| if(llStringLength(data) == 0) return ""; |
| if(llStringLength(k) == 0) return ""; |
| list a = llParseString2List(data, ["&", "="], []); |
| integer i = llListFindList(a, [ k ]); |
| if(i != -1) return llList2String(a, i+1); |
| return ""; |
| } |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2013 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| string wasKeyValueEncode(list data) { |
| list k = llList2ListStrided(data, 0, -1, 2); |
| list v = llList2ListStrided(llDeleteSubList(data, 0, 0), 0, -1, 2); |
| data = []; |
| do { |
| data += llList2String(k, 0) + "=" + llList2String(v, 0); |
| k = llDeleteSubList(k, 0, 0); |
| v = llDeleteSubList(v, 0, 0); |
| } while(llGetListLength(k) != 0); |
| return llDumpList2String(data, "&"); |
| } |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2011 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // http://was.fm/secondlife/wanderer |
| vector wasCirclePoint(float radius) { |
| float x = llPow(-1, 1 + (integer) llFrand(2)) * llFrand(radius*2); |
| float y = llPow(-1, 1 + (integer) llFrand(2)) * llFrand(radius*2); |
| if(llPow(x,2) + llPow(y,2) <= llPow(radius,2)) |
| return <x, y, 0>; |
| return wasCirclePoint(radius); |
| } |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2015 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // escapes a string in conformance with RFC1738 |
| string wasURLEscape(string i) { |
| string o = ""; |
| do { |
| string c = llGetSubString(i, 0, 0); |
| i = llDeleteSubString(i, 0, 0); |
| if(c == "") jump continue; |
| if(c == " ") { |
| o += "+"; |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| if(c == "\n") { |
| o += "%0D" + llEscapeURL(c); |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| o += llEscapeURL(c); |
| @continue; |
| } while(i != ""); |
| return o; |
| } |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2015 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| list wasCSVToList(string csv) { |
| list l = []; |
| list s = []; |
| string m = ""; |
| do { |
| string a = llGetSubString(csv, 0, 0); |
| csv = llDeleteSubString(csv, 0, 0); |
| if(a == ",") { |
| if(llList2String(s, -1) != "\"") { |
| l += m; |
| m = ""; |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| m += a; |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| if(a == "\"" && llGetSubString(csv, 0, 0) == a) { |
| m += a; |
| csv = llDeleteSubString(csv, 0, 0); |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| if(a == "\"") { |
| if(llList2String(s, -1) != a) { |
| s += a; |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| s = llDeleteSubList(s, -1, -1); |
| jump continue; |
| } |
| m += a; |
| @continue; |
| } while(csv != ""); |
| // postcondition: length(s) = 0 |
| return l + m; |
| } |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2015 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| string wasListToCSV(list l) { |
| list v = []; |
| do { |
| string a = llDumpList2String( |
| llParseStringKeepNulls( |
| llList2String( |
| l, |
| 0 |
| ), |
| ["\""], |
| [] |
| ), |
| "\"\"" |
| ); |
| if(llParseStringKeepNulls( |
| a, |
| [" ", ",", "\n", "\""], [] |
| ) != |
| (list) a |
| ) a = "\"" + a + "\""; |
| v += a; |
| l = llDeleteSubList(l, 0, 0); |
| } while(l != []); |
| return llDumpList2String(v, ","); |
| } |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2015 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // unescapes a string in conformance with RFC1738 |
| string wasURLUnescape(string i) { |
| return llUnescapeURL( |
| llDumpList2String( |
| llParseString2List( |
| llDumpList2String( |
| llParseString2List( |
| i, |
| ["+"], |
| [] |
| ), |
| " " |
| ), |
| ["%0D%0A"], |
| [] |
| ), |
| "\n" |
| ) |
| ); |
| } |
| |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| // Copyright (C) 2017 Wizardry and Steamworks - License: GNU GPLv3 // |
| /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
| list wasSetIntersect(list a, list b) { |
| if(llGetListLength(a) == 0) return []; |
| string i = llList2String(a, 0); |
| a = llDeleteSubList(a, 0, 0); |
| if(llListFindList(b, (list)i) == -1) |
| return wasSetIntersect(a, b); |
| return i + wasSetIntersect(a, b); |
| } |
| |
| // configuration data |
| string configuration = ""; |
| // callback URL |
| string URL = ""; |
| // store message over state. |
| string data = ""; |
| string version = ""; |
| string firstname = ""; |
| string lastname = ""; |
| string jump_state = ""; |
| |
| default { |
| state_entry() { |
| llOwnerSay("[Stitch] Starting..."); |
| llSetTimerEvent(10); |
| } |
| link_message(integer sender, integer num, string message, key id) { |
| if(id != "configuration") return; |
| llOwnerSay("[Stitch] Got configuration..."); |
| configuration = message; |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| timer() { |
| llOwnerSay("[Stitch] Requesting configuration..."); |
| llMessageLinked(LINK_THIS, 0, "configuration", NULL_KEY); |
| } |
| on_rez(integer num) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| changed(integer change) { |
| if((change & CHANGED_INVENTORY) || |
| (change & CHANGED_REGION_START) || |
| (change & CHANGED_OWNER)) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| } |
| state_exit() { |
| llSetTimerEvent(0); |
| } |
| } |
| |
| state listen_group { |
| state_entry() { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Stitch] Waiting for group messages..."); |
| } |
| link_message(integer sender, integer num, string message, key id) { |
| // We only care about notifications now. |
| if(id != "notification") |
| return; |
| |
| // This script only processes group notifications. |
| if(wasKeyValueGet("type", message) != "group" && |
| wasKeyValueGet("type", message) != "login") |
| return; |
| |
| // Process login notification. |
| if(wasKeyValueGet("type", message) == "login") { |
| string action = wasKeyValueGet("action", message); |
| string loginVersion = wasKeyValueGet("version", message); |
| if(action == "logout") { |
| version = loginVersion; |
| return; |
| } |
| if(action == "login" && loginVersion != version) { |
| data = "I have been stitched to version v" + loginVersion; |
| version = loginVersion; |
| state tell; |
| } |
| // Unknown login action. |
| return; |
| } |
| |
| // Get the sent message. |
| data = wasURLUnescape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "message", |
| message |
| ) |
| ); |
| |
| // Check if this is an eggdrop command. |
| if(llGetSubString(data, 0, 0) != |
| wasKeyValueGet("command", configuration)) |
| return; |
| |
| // Check if the command matches the current module. |
| list command = llParseString2List(data, [" "], []); |
| if(llList2String(command, 0) != |
| wasKeyValueGet("command", configuration) + "stitch") |
| return; |
| |
| // Remove command. |
| command = llDeleteSubList(command, 0, 0); |
| |
| firstname = wasKeyValueGet("firstname", message); |
| lastname = wasKeyValueGet("lastname", message); |
| |
| if(firstname == "" || lastname == "") { |
| data = "And who would yarr be?"; |
| state tell; |
| } |
| |
| // Dump the rest of the message. |
| data = llDumpList2String(command, " "); |
| |
| // Get an URL. |
| state url; |
| } |
| on_rez(integer num) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| changed(integer change) { |
| if((change & CHANGED_INVENTORY) || |
| (change & CHANGED_REGION_START) || |
| (change & CHANGED_OWNER)) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| } |
| } |
| |
| state url { |
| state_entry() { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Stitch] Requesting URL..."); |
| llRequestURL(); |
| } |
| http_request(key id, string method, string body) { |
| if(method != URL_REQUEST_GRANTED) return; |
| URL = body; |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Stitch] Got URL..."); |
| state get_caller_roles; |
| } |
| on_rez(integer num) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| changed(integer change) { |
| if((change & CHANGED_INVENTORY) || |
| (change & CHANGED_REGION_START) || |
| (change & CHANGED_OWNER)) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| } |
| } |
| |
| state get_caller_roles { |
| state_entry() { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Stitch] Searching for caller..."); |
| llInstantMessage( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "corrade", |
| configuration |
| ), |
| wasKeyValueEncode( |
| [ |
| "command", "getmemberroles", |
| "group", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "group", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "password", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "password", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "firstname", firstname, |
| "lastname", lastname, |
| "callback", wasURLEscape(URL) |
| ] |
| ) |
| ); |
| llSetTimerEvent(60); |
| } |
| http_request(key id, string method, string body) { |
| llHTTPResponse(id, 200, "OK"); |
| if(wasKeyValueGet("command", body) != "getmemberroles" || |
| wasKeyValueGet("success", body) != "True") { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Stitch] Unable to get member roles: " + |
| wasURLUnescape( |
| wasKeyValueGet("error", body) |
| ) |
| ); |
| llReleaseURL(URL); |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| |
| // Dump the roles to a list. |
| list roles = wasCSVToList( |
| wasURLUnescape( |
| wasKeyValueGet("data", body) |
| ) |
| ); |
| |
| if(llGetListLength( |
| wasSetIntersect(roles, |
| wasCSVToList( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "admin roles", configuration |
| ) |
| ) |
| ) |
| ) == 0) { |
| data = "You ain't got the cojones!"; |
| llReleaseURL(URL); |
| state tell; |
| } |
| |
| list command = llParseString2List(data, [" "], []); |
| |
| version = llList2String(command, 0); |
| |
| // GC |
| command = []; |
| |
| if(version == "") |
| version = "\"latest\""; |
| |
| // Announce stitching process. |
| data = "Stitching to: " + version; |
| jump_state = "stitch"; |
| state tell; |
| } |
| timer() { |
| llReleaseURL(URL); |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| on_rez(integer num) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| changed(integer change) { |
| if((change & CHANGED_INVENTORY) || |
| (change & CHANGED_REGION_START) || |
| (change & CHANGED_OWNER)) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| } |
| state_exit() { |
| llSetTimerEvent(0); |
| } |
| } |
| |
| state stitch { |
| state_entry() { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Stitch] Stitching..."); |
| llInstantMessage( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "corrade", |
| configuration |
| ), |
| wasKeyValueEncode( |
| [ |
| "command", "stitch", |
| "group", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "group", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "password", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "password", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "action", "stitch", |
| "version", version, |
| "callback", wasURLEscape(URL) |
| ] |
| ) |
| ); |
| llSetTimerEvent(60); |
| } |
| http_request(key id, string method, string body) { |
| llHTTPResponse(id, 200, "OK"); |
| llReleaseURL(URL); |
| if(wasKeyValueGet("command", body) != "stitch" || |
| wasKeyValueGet("success", body) != "True") { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Stitch] Unable to stitch: " + |
| wasURLUnescape( |
| wasKeyValueGet("error", body) |
| ) |
| ); |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| |
| // Corrade proceeds with termination - cannot (should not) announce via "tell". |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| timer() { |
| llReleaseURL(URL); |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| on_rez(integer num) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| changed(integer change) { |
| if((change & CHANGED_INVENTORY) || |
| (change & CHANGED_REGION_START) || |
| (change & CHANGED_OWNER)) { |
| llResetScript(); |
| } |
| } |
| state_exit() { |
| llSetTimerEvent(0); |
| } |
| } |
| |
| state tell { |
| state_entry() { |
| // DEBUG |
| llOwnerSay("[Stitch] Sending to group."); |
| llInstantMessage( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "corrade", |
| configuration |
| ), |
| wasKeyValueEncode( |
| [ |
| "command", "tell", |
| "group", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "group", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "password", wasURLEscape( |
| wasKeyValueGet( |
| "password", |
| configuration |
| ) |
| ), |
| "entity", "group", |
| "message", wasURLEscape(data) |
| ] |
| ) |
| ); |
| |
| // jump table |
| string nextState = jump_state; |
| jump_state = ""; |
| if(nextState == "stitch") |
| state stitch; |
| state listen_group; |
| } |
| } |
