corrade-lsl-templates – Blame information for rev 15

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15 office 1 A good nurse always carries a pen A nurse was walking the ward when she noticed a rectal thermometer in her shirt pocket. "Some arsehole has my pen", she muttered to herself.
2 favorite movie quote of all time *"Use the force Harry"* ~*Gandalf*
3 Why are so many businessmen fat? Must be all the inflation.
4 How can you tell if someone is vegan? They'll tell you
5 When, and only then, is it okay to spit into your girlfriend's face? In case her moustache is on fire!
6 I buy every comic book I see. . . My friends say I have lots of issues.
7 How do you fit 6 million Jews into a car? Send them to clown school.
8 What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
9 I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment". Oh really? You mean you didn't actually catch the murder on video?
10 I think my new dog thinks he is a blacksmith As soon as I took him inside he made a bolt for the door
11 What do you call the work of a renowned geologist? Rock solid
12 My friend David lost his ID yesterday... We just call him Dav now
13 How much citrus does it take to kill a pirate? None.
14 Why are women terrible drivers? Because making sandwiches behind the wheel is a lot harder than making them in the kitchen.
15 Woman : All men are dogs. Me : Which breed is your dad, bitch?
16 My sex life is just like Star Wars It's either Han Solo, or I have to use force.
17 What is the best way to break a shield apart? Seth Rollins with a chair
18 What does a hooker with good manners say after fucking her customer| "I'm so glad you came"
19 Being a father completely changed me. I'm one of those motherfuckers now.
20 What do you call a southern girl who runs faster than her brothers A virgin
21 A city girl meets a country boy in a restaurant When the buy asked her out she responded "oh I know you country boys will fuck anything that walks. Pigs, chickens, goats and horses." The boy made a disgusted grin. "chickens???"
22 My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man. So I stuck it in her ass and called her Steve
23 I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl... they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.
24 Browser joke What do we want? Chrome/Firefox: Faster internet! When do we want it? Internet explorer: Faster internet!
25 Why Would Clint Eastwood be Bad at Restructuring a Business? He can't remember if he fired 5 or 6.
26 Are you all alright?? -YEEES - says audience -No you are all alleft
27 I thought about making a cripple joke... ... but it would be lame.
28 Whoever hates oral... Can just suck my dick.
29 What do you do for a living? Nothing edit: just to be clear this isn't me. The depth of this joke is big
30 My sister died in a car crash She did always want to be a princess
31 What is so good about dead baby jokes? They never get old
32 Shout out to tears for fears
33 How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
34 My wife and I got into an argument she said 'you should treat me like I'm the last woman on earth' I said- what, lock you down in the basement and let men cum on your face for a million dollars?
35 What do you call a phobia of machetes? Common sense
36 How long has Michael J. Fox had Parkinson's disease? About 30 years, just amazing, thought he would have shaken it off by now.
37 My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure. So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.
38 I got kicked out of the library today I got kicked out of the library for putting the women's rights book in the fiction section
39 Me and my friend used to like playing war growing up one day i went to his parents house and told them their son died
40 I have beef- -aroni.
41 What do you say to a video game developer who's not that hard? Ubisoft.
42 You cant expect an honest person to beat Usain Bolt... Only a cheetah can.
43 [NSFW] What is the worst part about eating a bald pussy? Putting the diaper back on when you're done.
44 What is Eminem made of? He is made of Mathers
45 Do you know what the scientific name of Viagra is? Mycoxafloppin.
46 What do you call a clan for chickens? Coo clucks clan
47 Potter household Voldemort: knock knock James: who's there? Voldemort: you know James: you know who? Voldemort: correct James: James: Fuck
48 Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank the coffee before it was cool =?
49 What type of fishing line is best for taking out a group of 1st graders? A Sandy Hook Yes, I'm sorry. Yes, I stole this from Facebook
50 So who was the first knight at the round table? Cir-cumference!
51 My mom named her vacuum Slayer It's been around since 1981 and has fucking sucked ever since.
52 A crossfitter, a Texan, and a vegan walk into a bar. How do you know? They all tell you within 3 seconds.
53 Bad Dad Joke So my Dad told me this joke that was so bad, he only told it to me once. "I'll be right back."
54 How can you tell if a post on r/Jokes is unoriginal? It makes the front page.
55 An apple a day... Keeps the non-binary away
56 So I knocked up my Jewish girlfriend; Now we have a little Jew in the over.
57 Slept like a log last night Woke up in the fireplace.
58 Which bees produce milk? The boo-bees!
59 What did the jazz fan name his pachyderms? He called his elephants Gerald.
60 What did the kid with no hands get for his birthday? Gloves! Nah, just kidding. He hasn't unwrapped it yet.
61 New movie coming out about a golden retriever who helps a deaf boy. It's called "Ear Bud."
62 Mexico's president says he will not go to the U.S. for a meeting with Trump The wall's not even finished and it kept a Mexican out!
63 Did you know Princess Diana has dandruff? They found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment
64 My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess... So I crashed her into a wall
65 Some day, Canada will take over the world. And then we'll all be sorry.
66 I'm going to start calling my roommates dog Dray After Draymond Green, because there is no way that is part of her natural jumping motion.
67 What is a KKK member's favorite game? Hangman
68 If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
69 There's a lot I don't get about women The main thing being their phone number.
70 Asked my dad what he thought about my new haircut... He said it was "obsolete", so I told him that I was actually a trendsetter. He said "Yes. That trend set many years ago".
71 What do you tell a nazi with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told Richard Spencer twice!
72 How come you never see third class mail? Third class envelopes are disproportionately likely to be lost in the voyage.
73 LPT: How to stop procrastinating Step one: Prepare to do whatever it is that you need to do Step two: Do it tomorrow. This frees you from the work you would have done grudgingly, which decreases the quality anyway.
74 How much do noodles cost? How much do noodles cost? About a penne.
75 What's another name for a Japanese demon dog? A pupper-oni.
76 We're two days into the Chinese New Year, the year of the rooster and I'm still writing year of the monkey on my checks
77 Whale junior: Dad, where did I come from? Papa whale: From my penis. Whale junior: Umm thanks? Papa whale: You're whalecum
78 What movie did Trump watch with his family tonight? Wall-E
79 "Dad, I've got to masturbate." "Two maths debate! I knew I had high expectaisians!"
80 Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
81 Where do European generals keep their armies? In their sleevies.
82 "What do we want!" "Hearing aids!" "When do we want them!" "Hearing aids!"
83 Welcome to jim's seafood shack and brothel... (nsfw) The crabs are buy one get one free
84 [Nsfw] How do you know you have a high sperm count? She has to chew before swallowing
85 "Can we not have sex tonight? I'm tired" "Hi Tired, I'm dad"
86 There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
87 What's a donkeys favourite breakfast cereal? Mule-sli
88 It's not that Trump is a traitor. He's an "alternative patriot."
89 What's a Mexican midget barbers favorite restaurant? Little Cesar's
90 If Pikachu was a Nazi... ...would his name be Gasajew?
91 What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
92 I'm not bashing Trump I'm providing "alternate praise!"
93 I tried singing for my supper today. Looks like I'm having rotten tomato soup tonight.
94 You know why I drink apple juice? Because OJ will kill you
95 What do you call the underwear of someone experiencing nocturnal emissions? Dreamcatchers
96 I like my women like I like my coffee I don't like coffee
97 What do you call the third hand on a clock? Second hand.
98 I had my FIRST THREE WAY!!! There were a couple of no-shows, but I STILL HAD A GREAT TIME!!
99 How do lexicographers compile dictionaries? They scrabble about for words.
100 I saw a veteran begging in the street which made me very upset But then I remembered I wasn't required to give the military quarters.
101 What is it called when a politician craps his pants in a Honda? Civic doody.
102 Jack and Jill went up the hill So Jack could lick Jill's fanny. Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock 'cause Jill's a goddam tranny!
103 How come there are no Olympics in Mexico? Because all of the Mexicans that can run jump and swim are already in America.
104 I'm deathly afraid of elevators. I take a lot of steps to avoid them.
105 Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? It was a nice ceremony....but the reception was amazing!
106 Here is the only way to resist Trump's agenda leave a mouse trap in front of your vagina.
107 In His Lust For Knowledge The Mathemagician con-summed himself.
108 Here I was thinking that 2016 was over And now it came back for Moore
109 Shout-out to my arms For always being by my side
110 Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Alternative facts.
111 Sometimes life is like toilet paper.. You are either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
112 A company testing on animals just got sued for testing a chapstick on horses that made their lips burn off. They called it neigh-balm.
113 It was getting very late and my niece was getting scared. "Uncle Davey, I am scared walking out here in the forest." "You?? What about ME!? I have to walk back all by myself!"
114 What's the difference between a blue whale and a sperm whale? Depends on if she lets me nut or not.
115 Where do dads keep their jokes? In their dadabase.
116 The Trump Administration releases the contractor hired to build the infamous wall Bill DeWall, Inc.
117 What breed of dog is the most depressing...? A melancholy.
118 My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
119 As Jeff the street sweeper says "A clean place is not where one sweeps, but where one doesn't litter" That's why he traded in his broom for a shotgun.
120 The anti-vax movement just got its first clothing sponsor Polio Ralph Lauren
121 What was the pig when he got laryngitis...? He was dis-gruntled!
122 What drink does hitler hate the most? JUUUUICE!
123 Did you hear who Ryan Reynold's wife turned into when she found out he was having an affair? Blake Deadly.
124 How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poker face.
125 I tried making a chemistry joke today... ... But all the good element jokes Argon
126 Ivanka is pregnant again, her new baby boy is due in October. She should call him Wally.
127 A Zwitterion walks into a bar... A Zwitterion walks into a bar. The bartender asks him about his job. The Zwitterion says, "Eh, there's some positives and negatives about it".
128 I couldn't decide how to propose to the love of my life So I decided to ask her husband for advice.
129 Dave lost his left arm and left leg in an accident 3 years ago. Don't worry, he's all right now.
130 What do you get when you mix a bell with poop? Duuuuuuung
131 A truck load of Viagra was stolen yesterday Police don't know who did it, but they're on the lookout for hardened criminals.
132 The other day I snuck a peek at my shrink's notes and I saw she'd written "MESSIAH COMPLEX" in big capital letters. It caught me off guard. I've known I'm the messiah all of my life but I've never been called complex before.
133 Did you know Trump played soccer in high school? He was a goalkeeper, set up a wall like you've never seen...
134 No one talked about it but the threat level was raised on January 20th, 2017 They raised it to orange.
135 What has nine arms and sucks? Def Leppard
136 There was a fight in the fish n chips shop the other day The fish got battered!
137 I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley Thanks to months of therapy, I'm finally battling my Damons.
138 Blind people of Reddit. I was watching a movie called 23 Blast (about a football player that went blind) and was curious if you can see when you're dreaming. Oh. . . wait a minute.
139 Dad Joke Kid laugh Edit : I've made a huge spelling mistake
140 I used to have a weird affliction that caused me to alter all my Reddit posts to add the names of my favourite Frasier and Cheers actors but I'm over it now. Edit: Grammer
141 It's now apparently politically incorrect to say "Black paint" Now you have to say "Tyrone can you please go paint the fence?".
142 Why aren't Mexicans good Firefighters? Because they don't know the difference between "JosÈ" and "Hose B"
143 What do you call a pathetic number of chickens? A poultry sum.
144 Why does Arnold Schwarzenegger kill insects? Because he's an ex-terminator
145 The best thing about ISIS jokes? The execution
146 Did you hear Apple is going into the wine business? Their vineyard will produce every varietal of wine... except ports.
147 You know what's black and doesn't work? Decaffeinated coffee.
148 Virgin mary enters into heaven as soon as she gets in she notices a hot dog stand. She blushes and giggling says "the holy spirit!"
149 "Have you heard the news? "What?" "Me neither. "
150 My wife said she hates Diablo 3 because it's about demons I said, babe, it's not about demons, its about gambling!
151 Trump is supporting the minorities The minority of scientists that disbelieve global warming.
152 I climaxed on a blind girl's boobs yesterday She didn't see it coming
153 Bury it... ...it's my dad's 'dead joke'.
154 What does a sailor in the navy farts smell like? Seaman.
155 What do you call a cow who's had an abortion? Decaffeinated
156 There's a brand new cemetery in town Everybody is dying to get in
157 What do you call an Asian guy that always shows up before he needs to? Earl Lee
158 The biggest lie "I have read the terms and conditions"
159 Jenny Craig I dropped 40 pounds on Jenny Craig. I think I broke her leg!
160 I head the singer of "Chandelier" is visiting my town I'm looking out for her, but I just can't Sia!
161 Do you know the story about the invisible nymphomaniac? They say you never see her coming.
162 Why did Johnny Cash have the Cocaine Blues? He ran out of cocaine.
163 The US should rejoin Great Britain Its not like we mind Taxation without representation anymore.
164 A Trump supporter tells a reporter, "Everyone knows we're great at taking tests." Reporter: "What gives you that idea?" Trump supporter: "Everyone keeps calling us 'quiz-lings'."
165 A stopped clock is correct two times a day, but how many times is it wrong?
166 It's stay lighter later in the evening. Great now I can your moms ugly face.
167 My friend just found out that he is both gay and dyslexic. He is still in Daniel.
168 Did you hear why the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus shut down? Because the Trump administration is now the greatest show on earth!
169 My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats That's nuts, I told him
170 Alternate Lyrics: I kissed a Trans and I liked it. The taste of her hairy lap stick.
171 What is the center of a gay apple's life? DÈcor.
172 Why was the cookie so sad? Because his mother was a wafer so long.
173 Life is like toilet paper... Life is like toilet paper, you?re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
174 My girlfriend told me that if I took her to get sushi, I didn't have to use a condom after. She's getting the raw end of that deal!
175 I read an article recently on Hitler's speechwriter... Apparently he was a real grammar Nazi.
176 How do you like your eggs in the morning? Boiled, poached, scrambled or fertilised?
177 Aussie chat up line "...bite on this stick sheila..."
178 It's difficult being a dyslexic agnostic I'm never quite sure whether or not there's a dog
179 The secret to making your computer a modern racist? Hold Alt+R
180 Have you ever had sex while camping? It's fucking in tents.
181 Tortoises ... are nazi turtles
182 What did the Hawaiian Jihadist say before he died? Aloha Ackbar!
183 Heard about the fruit that became a president? He got impeached.
184 My date was impressed when I said I really want to see her inner-beauty. She was less impressed when I asked to see inside her butt hole to spot it.
185 Why do batteries feel lonely? Because they are never included in anything.
186 Why do they call "roach-clips", "roach-clips"??? because potholder was already taken. I know it's like a venn diagram of drug jokes and dad jokes.
187 Dad tell me a joke[nsfw] "Hey dad tell me a joke" Dad:"Pussy" Son:"I don't get it" Dad:"I know hahahaha"
188 What's the difference between a chickpea and a green pea? Trump wouldn't pay $1000 to have a green pea on him.
189 NSFW My girlfriend was arrested for riding her bike today. She was charged with peddling pussy.
190 I posted a question about the brightest star in the night sky, but all I got were joke replies. Should've added the [Sirius] tag.
191 I walked in on my parents having sex last night... Possibly the most awkward 45 minutes of my life...
192 How come Abraham Lincoln never went to jail? Because he was in a cent
193 How was there no jackass in a giant penis costume at the women's March? That would of been hilarious. You would never see feminists beat a dick so hard.
194 I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years.
195 What do you call a 20th century grammar nazi? Alt-Write
196 Need your best Short Jokes One sentence max, I'll start: A Dyslexic walks into a bra
197 How do you get a Jewish girl's number? Lift up her sleeve.
198 Artistic people of Reddit, what is being artistic really like? And can I get fries with that?
199 Why did Purple hate Red? Because she left him feeling Blue
200 What was Albert Einsteins DJ name? MC Squared
201 What have women and clouds got in common? It only becomes a nice day after they piss off.
202 Friends are a lot like trees... They fall down when hit multiple times with an axe.
203 A man has been shot with a starting pistol... The police are pretty sure it's race related.
204 An SEO Expert walks into a bar An SEO Expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, nightclub, mini bar, bar stool, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey.
205 Shout out to all my people with split personality disorder You know who you are
206 What is Blastoise's favourite sex move? Hydrohump.
207 Did you hear about the fire at the hemp factory? It was high priority for the firefighters to get there.
208 What's the 8th wonder of the world? Great Wall of Jina
209 I have a new advice podcast for senile Tarantino fans It's called "I Don't Remember Asking You a GOD Damn Thing"
210 A 79 year old pirate has his next birthday this morning.... he wakes up and says to his crew, "AYE-matey!"
211 Only 90's-2000's kids will understand I am a financially stable and responsible adult, and my life is completely in order. Excuse me while I go drown myself in alcohol.
212 Why did pyramid head always drag his weapon around? Because its illegal to carry!
213 What Does Donald Trump Have in Common With London Dispersion Forces? They are both easily pushed to one side and can take a negative charge.
214 I like my women like my salad Undressed
215 Everybody's making a big deal about the Mexican president canceling his meeting with Trump... The wall isn't even built yet and it's already kept out at least one Mexican.
216 After nine years of being together, I finally got down on one knee. And begged her to take it up the arse.
217 I took my kid to a magic show... I took my kid to a magic show last night. The magician announced that for his final trick, he was going to make himself disappear. And so he began to count: "Uno! Dos!" And then he vanished without a tres!
218 Minecraft is not a video game Real video games have curves
219 Why do Republican libertarians play Xbox more than their friends? They hate it when everything has to be PC.
220 What do you call a dating agency for well-to-do herpes sufferers? Elite Shingles
221 Describe THE WALL in one word Yuuuge!
222 What's the hardest part of playing ultimate frisbee? Explaining to your parents that you're gay.
223 What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell
224 A Trump supporter decides to protest with his gun outside of a mosque. What should the police do? Nothing. He'll eventually shoot himself in the foot.
225 The Oakland Raiders are moving to Las Vegas. Thus making "went to a Raiders game" yet another thing people won't talk about when they get home from Vegas.
226 I took a vacation to a city in France. It was Nice.
227 In the middle east its hard to tell who's crazy, And Hussein.
228 Australians don't have sex They mate
229 Why do pirates never quit their jobs? Because once they lose a hand they get hooked.
230 I had a thought the other day Losing 15 pounds sounds a lot better in America than in England.
231 What does a robot do after sex? Nuts and bolts.
232 I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
233 Dad Joke Dad: (Grabs his chest) Call me an ambulance Son: You are........ an ambulance Dad: Proud of you son.
234 What type of music do astronauts love? Neptunes!
235 A steak pun is A rare medium well done.
236 Sugar is the only word in English language in which "Su" is pronounced as "Shu". I am pretty sure about it.
237 Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
238 I really like Windows as an OS. You could say I have a Micro_soft_ spot for it.
239 I went to Kennedy Space Center to become an astronaut, but the scientists were not very supportive. They just said things like, "You're not qualified" and "Why are you naked?" and "I CAN'T CATCH HIM HE'S COVERED IN BABY OIL."
240 What does the Surgeon General, the Postmaster General, and the General of the Army have in common? I'm running all of their alt twitter accounts.
241 What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vader? An elevader.
242 There is a place with a 98% recycling rate! r/Jokes
243 How does a seamstress reply to someone asking her how her day was? So,so.....
244 Shout-out to my grandma Because that's the only way she can hear me.
245 As a guy, it's not that I have anything against psychiatric wards... I'm just afraid of commitment.
246 We have a strange custom in our office. We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got me a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Kevin"
247 A wife dragged her husband to their marriage counselor appointment with his fishing net. "Do you see what I have to put up with," the wife says. "Yes," said the counselor. "He's obviously in seine."
248 What climate scientist does Disney follow on twitter? The rogue one
249 What did the boy with no arms get for christmas? Cancer.
250 A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
251 What's the best part of being a lesbian in 1912? Both got seats on the titanic's lifeboats.
252 What you call a black guy with a lower body growth disorder? Knee-grow
253 What camp were jewish pets sent to? Mousevitz
254 What is a Physicist's favorite author? Joules Verne
255 What do you call an emo on a hiking trip? Cliffhanger.
256 What do Germans say when you send them a fire meme? Danke!
257 To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present They're due back at the library today.
258 What did the detective say when it started to rain I better run don't want my trench coat to become a drench coat
259 What do you call hamburger in India ? God
260 What's the opposite of Tim Walken? Tim Daly.
261 I rang the RSPCA hotline... I rang the RSPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road "Are they moving?" asked the operator "Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase"
262 What's the difference between a priest and a sister? Nun
263 I was listening to my German Student perform Goldfish by Debussy... Unfortunately, his playing was rather Vichy.
264 Why did Dracula fail math? He forgot how to Count.
265 why did Saturn get a ring? told god, "if you like it, then you better put a ring on it"
266 Are you a good cook? colleage - Oh you cook!! How good of a cook are you? me - the hungrier you are, the better i am.
267 I'm not sure if Trump will be re-elected I don't have 2020 vision.
268 What did Barak say to Joe on the last day of his presidency? "Bi-den. Keep in touch"
269 My professor just said that the particle of light is like a bullet... The black objects absorb more.
270 What do you call a bionic pig? Robocop
271 Why was the anomaly so poor? Because it didn't make any cents!
272 A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff... Baa dum tssssss
273 The European Union is disgusting! Absolutely disgusting! EU!