corrade-lsl-templates – Blame information for rev 15

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15 office 1 What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef!
2 What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Utter destruction.
3 What's black and white and red all over? A newspaper.
4 So, this guy walks into a bar. And says, "ouch".
5 If the opposite of pro is con, isn't the opposite of progress, congress?
6 What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the ocean? Bob!
7 I went to a wedding the other day. Two antennas were getting married. It wasn't much of a wedding ceremony, but it was one heck of a reception!
8 There's this dyslexic guy... he walked into a bra...
9 Joel: "How's the progress on new house that you are building Pete?" Peter: "Things are really slow at the moment." Joel: "Yeah, I guess all this rain would be putting a dampener on things..."
10 A white horse walked into a bar. The barman saw him and said, "We have a whiskey named after you!" The horse looked puzzled and said, "What, Eric?"
11 There was a dyslexic insomniac agnostic. He laid awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog.
12 What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the sea? A start.
13 What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes whack, dang. A bad skydiver goes dang, whack.
14 Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
15 If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
16 Doctor: Well I hope you enjoy changing diapers, Mrs Jones? Mrs Jones: Why, Am I pregnant? Doctor: No, you have bowel cancer!
17 What do you call a blond with half a brain? Gifted.
18 Q What has two legs, and bleeds? A Half a dog!
19 An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress," she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
20 A drunk man walked up to an elevator. He pressed the up button and opened the doors before the elevator could come down to him. He fell all the way down, and said, "Darn it, I said up."
21 Yo momma is so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
22 You know you're a redneck if you introduce a friend to your wife and sister and he only has to shake one hand.
23 Yo momma is so fat, that to get her out of a phone booth we had to grease her thighs and throw a Twinkie into the street.
24 A bishop, a priest, and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, a joke?"
25 An Engineering Major says "How does it work?" A Science Major says "Why does it work?" An Accounting Major says "How much will it cost?" A Liberal Arts Major says "Do you want fries with that?"
26 How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the bulb has got to WANT to change.
27 How can you tell if a blonde woman has been dating? By the belt buckle imprint on her forehead.
28 What does a blonde say when she loses her virginity? "So are you guys all on the same team?"
29 How many lawyers does it take to shingle the roof of a house? It depends on how thin you slice 'em.
30 Did you hear the one about the Polish wolf? He chewed off three legs and was still caught in the trap.
31 A polar bear walked into a bar and said "Can I please have a gin and............................................tonic?" The bartender replied "Sure, but why the large pause?" "I don't know, I've always had them!"
32 A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
33 Did you know diarhea is part of your inheritence? Ya, it flows in our genes.
34 There's this guy he goes to see the doctor and says, "Doctor, Doctor, I have a terrible problem. I have a strawberry stuck up my bottom." The doctor says, "It's ok, I'll give you some cream to put on it."
35 Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
36 When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl
37 Two guys walked into a bar... you would have thought the second one would have ducked.
38 Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
39 Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam".
40 The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
41 Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.
42 If at first you don't succeed ... avoid skydiving.
43 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day... Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
44 What do you call a blind deer? No idea (no eye deer.) What do you call a blind deer with no legs? Still no idea! (not moving [still] no eye deer)
45 Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
46 Your momma's so ugly, she's not bald, it's her hair running away from her face!
47 The gap between your teeth is so big, I don't know whether to smile back or kick a field goal.
48 You are so stupid, you took a ruler with you to bed to see how long you slept!
49 Yo mama's so big, she had to call Sherwin-Williams to paint her toenails!
50 Knock Knock. Who's there? Anita. Anita who? Anita really warm place to sleep tonight, it's cold out here.
51 You're so fat, when you sit around the house, you really sit around the house.
52 What do you call 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth!
53 How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck? If it was invented by anyone else they would have called it a "teethbrush".
54 Knock knock. Who's there? interrupting cow interrupting co--- MOO
55 Yo momma so ugly she went into a haunted house and came out with a job application.
56 Yo momma so stupid she got hit by a parked car.
57 Yo momma's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals..."
58 Yo Mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her dad said, "Yeah! Let's go bury it!"
59 Yo Mama's so ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled "rape", they yelled "NO!"
60 Yo Mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, and the zookeeper said "I didn't know an animal had escaped."
61 Your momma is so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
62 Blonde inventions: Waterproof towel Unbreakable egg Submarine screen door Solar powered flash light Helicopter ejection seat Inflatable dart board Pedal powered wheel chairs
63 What do you call the skeleton of a blonde you find in a closet? 1950's Hide-n-seek champion.
64 2 blondes are walking in the park and the 1st blonde says, "LOOK! Dead bird!" The 2nd blonde looks up into the sky and yells "Where?!"
65 What's a blonde doing if her hands are covered tightly over her ears and her mouth is completely shut? She's trying to hold onto a thought.
66 Why should you never ask a blonde to make ice cubes for you? She'll never remember the recipe.
67 How do you get a blonde to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant. What will be her response? "Is it mine?"
68 Why did the first blonde president move out of the oval office? She couldn't find a corner to put her stuff in.
69 Your momma is so ugly when she walks through the woods during hunting season she wears a sign saying "DONT SHOOT! FROM THE FRONT I LOOK ALMOST HUMAN!"
70 Why did the blonde steal a parked police car? She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche. (Porsche 911)
71 How do you tell a blondes been using your computer? There's whiteout on the screen
72 You're so ugly when you go outside your arrested for indecent exposure.
73 Your momma is so poor I saw her kicking a cardboard box down the street and when I asked her what she was doing she said "Moving!"
74 How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish!
75 How many little brothers does it take to change a light bulb? Three- one to hold onto the bulb and two to turn the ladder.
76 How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two- One to screw in the idea, and one to give it a suprising twist at the end.
77 How many boy scouts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three- Each to do one good turn daily.
78 Yo Mama's so fat, she didn't have a birth certificate, she had a blueprint!
79 Yo mama's so fat, she sells shade, and that gives her enough to feed a family!
80 Yo Momma's so poor, I blew my nose, and she said, "Lord thank us, we have food!"
81  
82 How is a computer like an air conditioner? When you open Windows it won't work!
83 Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White? A: They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.
84 What's the definition of bravery? A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
85 How does santa greet the three blonde sisters? Ho. Ho. Ho.
86 You were so ugly as a baby you were the poster child on the birth control posters.
87 If you're on a plane going to California and you're stuck in an aisle seat how do you trick a blonde into giving you her window seat? Tell her only the aisle seats are going to California.
88 Why are New Yorkers always depressed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
89 Yo Mama's so dumb she took a spoon to the Superbowl!
90 Yo Mama's so stupid, it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes!
91 Your momma so old and fat when God said let there be light, he asked your momma to move the hell out of the way because she was blocking the sun.
92 Knock knock. Who's there? Someone too short to ring the doorbell.
93 Two buzzards were eating a dead clown. One said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
94 Yo mama is so dumb, she had you.
95 Politics comes from the root "poli-", which means many, and "-tics", which means, blood-sucking creatures.
96 Why do they have braille on drive-thru ATMs?
97 Can women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
98 Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
99 The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
100 Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
101 I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.
102 Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives!
103 When everything is coming your way, you're on the wrong side of the freeway.
104 Laundromat sign: Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
105 Sign at an office: Would the person who removed the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
106 Sign at an office kitchen: After the tea break, the staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the drain-board.
107 antique-an item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.
108 Jack told me you told him that I told you that he was ugly, and I told you not to tell him I told you that! It's his fault! I told him not to tell you I told him what you told me! Well, don't let it happen again--and don't tell him I told you he told me.
109 A good way to save face is to keep the lower half shut.
110 Silence is golden, because you never have to explain something you didn't say.
111 I'm such an insomniac, the sheep fall asleep before I do.
112 Yo mama's so fat, when she walks by the television set you miss three episodes.
113 I know the day I gave up exercise. You wanna know? Check my birth certificate.
114 Yo mamma so fat when she wears high heels 2 hours later they're flip flops.
115 Your Mom is so fat she rolled over a SuperNintendo and made 4 Game Boys.
116 Your mom is so fat her picture fell down.
117 Your Mom is so fat, she's the only one at the beach that gets a tan.
118 Yo Momma is so fat she had a dream of marshmallows, and when she woke up, her pillows were gone.
119 Your momma so fat she uses pillows for pantyliners Your momma so fat she got stuck in the Grand Canyon
120 Your momma so ugly when she walked through the graveyard 2 men came after her with shovels.
121 Yo mama so fat when she sat on a rainbow skittles came out!
122 Your momma so fat when she broke a leg gravy came out.
123 Your momma so ugly when she went to the horse track people started placing bets on her.
124 Yo Mama is so fat that the local restaurant says :Maximum occupancy 115 people or yo mama.
125 Yo Mama is so fat that when she ran away they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
126 Yo Mama is so ugly, when she looks in the mirror her reflection ducks.
127 Your momma so fat that when she layed on the beach, four guys from greenpeace tried to throw her back in.
128 It is said that "it is always in the last place you look" Well of course! Are there some people out there who keep looking after they find it?
129 What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
130 A horse walked into a bar. The barman said, "Why the long face?"
131 Knock, knock. Who's there? Dwayne Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub mommy, I'm dwowning.
132 Yo Dad said to yo mama, "We're getting a color TV!" and yo mama asked, "What color?"
133 Your mom is so stupid, when the doctor told her she had to take a pregnancy test, she asked how long she had to study
134 Yo mama is so stupid she waited at a Stop sign until it said Go.
135 Yo mama is so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see the other side.
136 Yo mama is so stupid she stole a free sample.
137 Yo mama is so stupid she couldn't even pass a blood test.
138 Yo mama is so stupid she thinks these jokes are funny.
139 Yo momma is so stupid, she got locked in McDonalds, and lost 300 pounds.
140 Yo Mama is so poor, I walked in and dropped a cigarette butt on the floor, and she said, "Clap your hands and stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got heat".
141 Yo momma is so stupid, she put a free sample on layaway.
142 Yo mama is so poor that when I walked in the front door, I tripped over the back gate.
143 An actual headline: "Include Your Children When Baking Cookies"
144 An actual headline: "Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers"
145 An actual headline: Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.
146 An actual headline: Deer Kill 17,000
147 How do you keep a Rhino from charging? Take away its credit card.
148 How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? Only one-they don't like to share the spotlight.
149 Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
150 What do you call a short psychic on the lam? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A small medium at large!
151 How do you praise a computer? Say "Data Boy"!
152 There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy. "Can I touch it?" "No way -- you already broke yours off!"
153 Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
154 Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy.
155 Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.
156 Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his rear.
157 Knock-knock Who's there? Boo! Boo who? Don't cry it's just a joke
158 How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two (think about it)
159 Roses are red Violets are blue I'm schizophrenic And so am I!
160 Yo Mama is so fat, she went to buy a water bed and they put a blanket over the Altantic Ocean.
161 I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her seat belt. She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said yes. She then asked me, "Single click or double click?"
162 When Eve was first created, she had 3 breasts. She asks God, "What shall I do with this extra breast?" And God created Adam.
163 A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
164 Why are the blonde's boobs square? She forgot to take the tissues out of the box!
165 How do you know if a dummy has been sending e-mail? You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
166 How do a blond's braincells die? Alone.
167 Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
168 Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
169 Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursdays at 7:30 to 8:30, Please use the back door. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double doors at the side entrance.
170 Yo momma is so dumb that when she got locked in the grocery store she starved to death!
171 Yo mama stinks so bad that when she puts on her 'Secret' deodorant it tells! ha ha :)
172 A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in. "Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!" "Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."
173 A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her and said, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde yelled at the doctor, "I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!"
174 Q: Why do women fart less than men? A: Because they won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
175 "I never forget a face. However, in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception." -Groucho Marx
176 What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron.
177 Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? A: The old drunk of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
178 Diplomacy: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
179 Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? A: Because it had no body to go with.
180 Q: What does a fish use to get high? A: Seaweed!
181 Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? A: In the end, someone's gonna lose a trailer.
182 Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded the younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."
183 The bartender at our golf club named a drink Lilac Crazy in honour of one of the members. Every time the member came to the 19th hole, that's exactly what he did.
184 A teacher is writing a problem on the blackboard when she turns around and says, "If you are stupid, please stand up." After a while, a student stands up and says,"I really don't think I'm stupid, but I feel bad for you standing there by yourself."
185 My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
186 What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell! She's got a grenade in her mouth!
187 People say you are the perfect idiot. I say you are not perfect, but you are doing pretty good.
188 Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?" "You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.
189 Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home.
190 Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
191 A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. "I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted. "So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."
192 Don't steal. The government hates competition.
193 Did you hear about the blonde who got a pair of waterskis? She's still looking for a lake with a slope!!
194 What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature. Eventually.
195 Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
196 Why is the word abbreviation so long?
197 My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.
198 If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
199 I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
200 What do you call a Canadian fire? A Calgary Flame.
201 What does Monica Lewinski and a coin machine have in common? insert bill here!
202 To help students remember the word for "wear" in Latin, the professor used the phrase: semper ubi, sub ubi Translation: Always wear under wear.
203 "You don't have anything in your head except soccer," said a wife to her husband. "I'm sure you've even forgotten when we got married!" "Of course I haven't forgotten," replied the husband. "That was the day England beat Italy 2-1."
204 Q. Why do young blondes carry goldfish in their pockets? A. So they can smell like old blondes.
205 What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel? An Air-Bag
206 Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
207 Q: Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
208 The Egyptologist sneezed: Hapshepsut!
209 Ever notice that "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
210 Take your income and add 10%
211 What's the difference between a teacher and a train? A train goes "chew, chew, chew," and a teacher says, "Spit that gum out!"
212 How many FBI agents does it take to change a lightbulb? Shut up! We'll be asking the questions here.
213 Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 3. One to change it and the other two to argue whether the lightbulb really exists.
214 "We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up." -Phyllis Diller
215 Every solution breeds new problems.
216 Join the Marines: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them.
217 Did you hear about the new Polish million dollar lotery? You get a dollar a year for a million years!!!
218 I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
219 Why does a blonde smile at lightning? She thinks she's getting her picture taken.
220 Q. If you are an AMERICAN when you go into the bathroom and you are an AMERICAN when you come out of the bathroom....What are you WHILE you are in the bathroom? A. EUROPEAN... of course!
221 Why did a blonde take an empty glass and a glass full of water to bed? She wasn't sure if she would get thirsty during the night.
222 What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? Thank you for the refill.
223 How many republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they only screw the poor.
224 How many blondes does it take to screw in a lighbulb? None, they just assume they've gone blind.
225 Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral. -- Robert Orben
226 Q. How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but he has to do it while you're eating dinner.
227 Sign seen on a maternity-ward door: Push! Push! Push!
228 Q: What's the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer? A: The cleaner pays if he loses your suit. A lawyer can lose your suit and still take you to the cleaners.
229 "Are you sure you don't want some Novocain?" asked the dentist. "I'm sure," replied the maharishi. "I wish to transcend dental medication."
230 An RCMP officer pulled over a vehicle that had performed a rolling stop at a stop sign. When the driver was told this, he replied, "But it says STOP, not STAY!"
231 Seen on a bumper sticker: "I don't care who's on board, what you love, who you brake for or what you'd rather be doing."
232 "All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific." -Jane Wagner
233 "Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world." -Dave Barry
234 How do you confuse a stupid person? Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
235 Why do blondes hate making Kool-aid? They can't fit the 8 cups of water in the envelope!
236 You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same stuff?
237 Yo momma is so fat that the last time she saw 90210 is when she stepped on the bathroom scale!
238 Why can't Dolly Parton be a teacher? Because every time she turns around she erases the black board.
239 Q. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills? A. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.
240 Q:What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A: A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
241 "Mommy, I hate my sister's guts!" "Shut up and eat what's put in front of you!"
242 Then there was the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a good figure.
243 She frowned and called him Mr. Because in sport he kr. And so in spite That very night The Mr. kr. sr.
244 "How can you stand it?" the young psychiatrist asked the old psychiatrist. "Day in, day out, year in, year out, listening, listening, listening!" "Who listens?"
245 Then there was the neat nurse, who made the patient without disturbing the bed.
246 Then there were the three bears. One married a giraffe. The other two put him up to it.
247 Mind Over Matter If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
248 "Madame," said the psychiatrist, "you haven't got a complex; you ARE inferior."
249 The wife ran into the house, screaming to her actor husband, "Darling, come quick. Your kids and my kids are beating up on our kids!"
250 The Romans had to give up their big holidays because of the tremendous overhead. The lions ate up all of their prophets.
251 Why is it that when we talk to God we call it praying, yet when God talks to us we are schizophrenic? -Lily Tomlin
252 Did you see that movie about the pirate? It's rated Arrr!
253 Yo momma is so fat, it takes 2 toilets to fit one cheek!
254 Your mama so fat that she has to wear traintracks for a belt!
255 Your mama so old and fat that she went to see Mt. Rushmore and sang "We Are Family"
256 Your mama so big that people walk around her for exercise.
257 Duck #1: Quack Duck #2: Quack Duck #3: Quack Quack Duck #1 takes out a gun and shoots Duck #3. Duck #2: "Why did you shoot him?" Duck #1: "He knew too much."
258 What is Mary short for? For having no legs, of course...If you didn't have any, you would be short too.
259 Hey, have any of you heard of the kidnapping in the woods? Yeah, well, it all turns out OK, though, since he woke up...
260 Yo mama is so fat she used Saturn's rings as hoola-hoops!
261 What are two blondes doing in front of a motorcycle? Arguing about who get a window seat.
262 What do you call a smart blond? An Endangered species
263 What do you call a movie about a man trying to make a blond smart? Mission Impossible
264 Why do blondes climb chain-link fences? To see what's on the other side.
265 Why does a blond wear a tight skirt? To keep her legs closed
266 What is more stupid then a brunette trying to start a fire in a pool? A blonde trying to put it out.
267 What do you call an intelligent blonde? A Golden Retriever
268 A blonde is on the road when suddenly she gets a phonecall from her friend: "Watch out! I heard on the radio that some lunatic is going against traffic!" So the blonde says, "Only one? They all are!"
269 How many Dyslexics does it take to change a Lit Blub?
270 Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.
271 A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?" "Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
272 Yo mama so fat, she coughed next to a corn field and made popcorn.
273 What's the difference between men and women? Women zoom with a camera by walking closer or farther away; men just push the button!
274 What did the wall say to the picture? How's it hangin`?
275 I wonder who came up with the company People's Gas and where was their Pepto-Bismal?
276 You are so stupid you tripped over a cordless phone! You are so stupid you got locked in a furniture store and sat on the floor! You are so stupid you didn't know how to swim so you got in the fish tank to try and learn!
277 What happens when the smog clears over southern California? UCLA
278 Roses are red, Violets are blue, I thought I was stupid, Then I met you!
279 How do you know a blonde is having a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear, and she's looking for her pencil.
280 I make money the old-fashioned way. My salary is the same as it was ten years ago.
281 "My husband won a trip for two to Hawaii," a woman complained to her marriage counsellor. "He went twice!"
282 NAMES OF ACTUAL COUPLES GETTING MARRIED: Broken-Bridge Sarry-Huney Big-Theisman Lossin-Hare Redder-Bottum CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW LONG THOSE COUPLES LAST!
283 Actual Newspaper Headline: Kids Make Great Snacks For Teachers.
284 Why don't blind people sky dive? Because it scares the crap outta the dog.
285 What do Constipated Mathematicians do? Work it out with a pencil.
286 Yo Mama's so ugly not even the tide would take her out.
287 A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read, "Here lies John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man." "Well, how about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."
288 Overheard in a doctor's waiting room: "My uncle had a cough like yours and he died. Mind you, he was hiding under his neighbour's bed at the time."
289 Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker? He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination but knocks on the door when it gets there.
290 What did the Zen Buddhist say to the New York hot-dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
291 Mother to teenage daughter: "The bad news is, we're moving to a different city. The good news is, your new school is full of boys who didn't see you get sick in the cafeteria last month."
292 Pride is what you feel when your kids net $143 from a garage sale. Panic is what you feel when you realize your car is missing.
293 "For Gods sakes Bill! Help her find it!." ~Hillary after walking in with Monica on her hands and knees in front of Bill
294 How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know, it has never happened.
295 What's the definition of Endless Love? Stevie Wonder playing Ray Charles at Tennis! Endless Love!
296 Yo mama's so fat when she steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please"!
297 Contrary to popular opinion, life is NOT a bi**h. Life is a virgin. A bi**h would be easy.
298 What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme!
299 A decrepit old gas man named Peter While hunting around for the meter His torch he did light He arose out of sight And, of course, as a result, he totally, completely and utterly destroyed the meter!
300 Q: Where do cows go on Saturday nights? A: To the moovies
301 It's a little known fact that William Tell and his son were avid bowlers as well as archery buffs. Unfortunately, all the league records were destroyed in a fire, so it may never be known for whom the Tells bowled.
302 I recently went to my 30th class reunion from nursery school. I didn't want to go because I've put on maybe 90 or 100 pounds since then.
303 Why can't you trust a blonde to call for an ambulance? She can't find the 11 to call 911.
304 Yo Momma is so bald when she wears a turtleneck she looks like a broken condom.
305 Yo Momma so fat when she stepped on my dog's tail I had to change his name to "Beaver."
306 Why did the blonde call the welfare office? She wanted to know how you cook food stamps.
307 The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.
308 They say one way to build character is to do things you don't want to do. Every day I do two things I don't want to do: I get out of bed in the morning and go to bed at night!
309 Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. -- Jackie Mason
310 The perfect climate is in bed.
311 Q: What do you call an oxymoron? A: A smart blonde!
312 Wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in a mud puddle.
313 What do you get when you breed a blonde and a New York gangster? A juvenile deliquent who spray paints chain link fences.
314 When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
315 Yo mama so skinny she had to run arround the shower to get wet.
316 To make a long story short, well, it helps if the boss walks in!
317 I put a blank tape in my TV and turned the volume all the way up. The mime next door went crazy and called the cops.
318 Grow some dope... plant a man.
319 alarm clock, n. a device for waking up people who don't have small children
320 Penguins mate for life. This is not surprising, as they all look the same. It's not like they have to wait and wonder if someone better will come along!
321 Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicles who resigned on Tuesday? He tried to resign on Monday, but discovered he'd been standing in the wrong line.
322 Did you hear about the scientists who crossed a porcupine with a sheep? They got an animal that knits its own sweaters.
323 Yo mama so dumb, she tried to spell out the alphabet with M&M's.
324 "What possible reason can you have for acquitting this defendant?" the judge shouted at the jury. "Insanity, Your Honour," replied the foreman. "All TWELVE of you?" bellowed the judge.
325 Opera: where somebody gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, sings.
326 Two Eskimos sitting in their boat were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the boat, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
327 Yo Mama was so Ugly as a child your granddaddy had to put a pork chop round her neck so the dog would play with her.
328 What two things in the air can make a blonde pregnant? Her Legs
329 Whats the difference between a good egg and a good fart? You can't beat a good fart!
330 Blind Hookers eh? You've got to hand it to them.
331 A man and a women are making love for the first time. "Cor what a small organ!" the women sniggered "It may be small, darling" replied the man "but it's never played in a Cathedral before!"
332 A woman's breasts are like a child's toys. They are meant for the child - but the husband is the one that usually ends up playing with them.
333 There are three well known rings to marriage: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering!
334 Yo mama's like Humpty Dumpty.... first she gets humped, then she gets dumped!
335 If you don't like my driving, stay out of the bus shelters!
336 Overheard at an exhibit in the science museum: "It says here that oxygen was discovered over two hundred years ago." "Wow! What did people breathe before that?"
337  
338 How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? Through a catalogue!!
339 Did you hear about the woman who poured margaritas in her birdbath? Enough tequila mockingbird.
340 Knock-knock! Who's there? Chips. Chips who? Chips Ahoy!
341 Yo momma so dumb, she spent twenty minutes staring at a orange juice bottle because it said, 'Concentrate'.
342 Q. How do you kill a blond? A. Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
343 Yo mama is so fat, when she got on the scale it said To be Continued!
344 Yo Momma so dirty she has to sneak up on the water
345 Your momma such a bitch, PMS cheers her up.
346 Yo mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale she screwed it to the bottom of the floor.
347 Did you hear about the new dictionary for masochists? It has all the words, but they're not in alphabetical order.
348 Never ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night.
349 Yo Momma is so dumb she had to call 411 to get the number for 911.
350 Yo Mama so dumb, her favorite color is clear.
351 Yo Mama so big, fat, and clumsey, when she tried to get to Wal-Mart, she stumbled over K-Mart and landed right on Target.
352 How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below) How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)
353 How many paranoids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? What exactly do you mean by that?
354 How was copper wire invented? Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
355 A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender, not wanting to serve a mushroom, says "Uh uh, I'm not serving no mushroom." "Aw, come on - I'm a fungi!" the mushroom replies.
356 My sister gave birth in a state-of-the-art delivery room. It was so high tech that the baby came out cordless!
357 Q. How many car salesmen does it take to change a light bulb? A. I'm just going to work this out on my calculator, and I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised.
358 Why don't ghosts make good magicians? You can see right through them!
359 Patient: Doctor doctor, J keep seeing doubles! Doctor: Please take a seat. Patient: Which one?
360 One time, when I was a kid, I forgot to do my homework, so I stole someone else's and turned it in. After class, the teacher pulled me over. She asked why I didn't turn in the homework. I said, guess I forgot to change the name on it!
361 I had four cappuccinos at one time. I was bouncing off the walls. Good thing they were padded.
362 Why is boxing a sport? If I beat someone up in an alley and someone sees it, I get arrested. If I beat someone up in an arena where thousands see it happen, I get cheered. I've done both. I like the alley better though.
363 How many Existentialists does it take to change a light bulb? What light bulb?
364 Yo Momma is so big that when pirates see her they say, "LAND HO!"
365 Yo mama's so dumb, she thought that a Playstation was a day care place.
366 Knock Knock Who's there? Madam Madam who? Madam foot's caught in the door!
367 Yo mama's so fat that when she went bungee jumping, she took down the whole bridge with her.
368 Yo mama's so fat that she rents herself out as a jumping castle.
369 Knock Knock Who's there? July July who? July like Bill Clinton
370 Famous Last Words "Oh come on, nobody's died from this in years." "I saw it on Jackass last night." "My dad did it when he was a kid." "Yes, I'm sure that the power is off." "It'll only hurt for a couple of days." "See, I'm not afraid of heights."
371 Famous Last Words: "The gun isn't loaded, ok?" "Yes, I double checked." "This fuse should give us plenty of time." "I don't think he has a gun." "This is a very safe neighborhood!" "I am 100% sure of the blast radius."
372 This is off a Coast Guard bumper sticker: Support Search and Rescue: GET LOST!
373 Darn those pushy metric system advocates! Give them 2.54 cm., and they'll take 1.6093 km!
374 Yo mama's so fat, her Inuit name is Denali!
375 Yo momma is so dumb, she thought a GameCube was a Rubik's puzzle.
376 Yo Momma's so fat, when she jumps in the ocean, people head for higher ground.
377 Yo self-centered momma is so fat, the world really does revolve around her!
378 Yo mama is so fat, your family photos have to be shot from a plane.
379 Yo mama is so fat and lazy, that her hair-do has been turned into a National Forest.
380 Yo Mama so stupid, she got fired at the M & M factory because she threw out all the W's!
381 3 people were asked to find the "hardest" word in the dictionary. One person found the word "happiness". One person found the word"photosynthesis". The last person found the word "dick".
382 How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, blondes usually screw in cars!
383 What do railroad tracks and blondes have in common? They are both laid all over America!
384 How do you get a blonde to laugh on Friday? Tell her a joke on Monday!
385 What does a blonde do when she wakes up? She goes home!
386 A blonde is like a door knob, everyone gets a turn!
387 Knock Knock! Who's there? Little boy blue. Little Boy Blue who? Micheal Jackson!!!!!
388 Why are constipated people so mean and rude? ..because they don't give a crap!
389 What do hookers and bungee jump cords have in common? They're both cheap, fast and if the rubber breaks, your dead!
390 Yo mama so old that when I told her to act her age, she died!
391 If it sounds like a duck, has a beak like a duck and feet like a duck, and swims like a duck, you still better make sure that it ain't a platypus!
392 A boy asks his dad,"Dad, what is 6.9?" The dad answers, "69 interrupted by a period!"
393 Why does Santa have such big balls? Because he only comes once a year!
394 You're so stupid that you sold your car for gas money!
395 One blonde was so dumb she got locked in a bathroom and pissed her self!
396 A blonde is like a turtle. If either one is on their back, they are screwed!
397 How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a circular room and tell her there is a vibrator in the corner. How does a blonde confuse you? When she comes out and says she found it.
398 How many blonde jokes are there? One. The rest are all true stories.
399 What's the difference between a blonde and the internet? Not everyone has been on the internet!
400 How do you fit 4 gay guys on a chair? Turn it upside down!
401 What do Osama Bin Laden and crabs have in common. They both irritate bush!
402 What is grosser than gross? When a midget walks by and says your hair smells nice!
403 What is the name for a bandaid on a pumpkin? A pumpkin patch!
404 You're so stupid, you tried to kill a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
405 Your so stupid you tried to kill a fish by drowning it!
406 Your so stupid you invented glow in the dark sun glasses!
407 You're so dumb you invented water proof tea bags!
408 You're so fat, when you went outside wearing a yellow dress everybody called "TAXI"
409 You're so ugly, you can't even turn on a lightbulb!
410 You're so fat that everybody has to talk behind your back!
411 Yo mama so ugly, when she went to go rob a bank she didn't have to use no gun, she just reached her head over the counter and said put the money in the bag!!!!!
412 Yo mama so fat, when she sat on a quarter, boogers came out of George Washington's nose.
413 What did the Lawyer name his daughter? Answer: Sue
414 Can you go skinny dippin' if you're fat? Is it possible to fight on a luv seat? If you drink tap water can you tap dance? by:lilpapa92
415 Why did the blonde take a right into the ditch? Her blinker was on.
416 One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
417 How do you keep a blonde busy on a rainy day? Tell her to touch the rainbow.
418 You're so stupid that when you send a FAX you put a stamp on it
419 Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
420 Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it.
421 Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad we're penguins, doesn't it?"
422 What is the difference between a BMW & a porcupine? A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
423 That sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes when you're sad, no one understands your pain. Sometimes when you're happy, no one sees your smile. But you just have to fart once, and EVERYBODY knows.
424 Did you hear about the sailor who died, and wanted to be buried at sea by his 5 blonde daughters? His daughters all drowned digging the grave.
425 You're so poor I went in your front door and came out the back.
426 Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake
427 A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?" The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"
428 Why don't you slip into something comfortable. Like a coma.
429 I haven't seen anyone run that fast since Twinkies went on sale.
430 Blondes are like a rollercoaster, everyone gets a ride!!!
431 What do you call an Irishman sitting in your backyard? Paddy O'Furniture
432 A tutor who tooted the flute Tried to teach two young tooters to toot Said the two to the tutor Is it harder to toot or To tutor two tooters to toot?
433 Broccoli, while not exoccoli, Is within an inach of being spinach.
434 Q. What's worse than raining cats and dogs? A. Hailing taxicabs!
435 Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "Of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
436 Q: Why did the blonde get pulled over by the police? A: Her headlights weren't working, so she was flashing people
437 Did you hear about the accident at the mall? There was a power outage and a group of blondes was stuck on the escalator for 3 hours!
438 Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi.
439 Q: What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river? A: Pollution. Q: What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge? A: Solution.
440 Yo Mama's so fat the only thing stopping her from getting into Jenny Craig is the door!
441 Knock-knock Who's there? Joe Joe who? Jo mama
442 I would punch you but I couldn't make you any uglier.
443 Knock-knock Whose there? Says Says who? Says me
444 Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots? A: Bunny farts!
445 What is Beethoven doing today? -Decomposing.
446 You might be a redneck if your baby's first words were, "Attention, K-mart shoppers!"
447 Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not! Boy: Good cause I didn't do my homework!
448 A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
449 A girl and her best friend were at a cafe. The girl said her boyfriend finally told her about marriage. Her best friend asked her what he said. "He is married and has 3 kids," she replied.
450 Yo momma is so fat she has more chins than a chinese phone book!
451 If two's a company and three's a crowd... what's four and five? NINE!!!!
452 Ghost Stories by I.C. Spooks Rocket to the sun by R.U.Nuts Your Book of Glamour by Q.T Pie The Camel Ride by Major Bum - issore How to Grow Shorter by Neil Down How to Grow Taller by Stan Dup
453 A Hole in the Bucket by Lee King Long Walk by Miss. D. Bus The Playground by C. Saw Fitting Carpets by Walter Wall Around the World by Sir Cumfrence Flexibility by Ben Dover Bladder Controld by Idon P. Freely
454 A blonde and brunette jump off a cliff at the same time. Why did the brunette hit the floor before the blonde? The blonde asked for directions!
455 Q: Why did the blonde have bruises around her bellybutton? A: Because her boyfriend was blond too!
456 What's another name for a push-up bra? False advertisement
457 A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking. The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn."
458 The Chinese say: Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.
459 Men who walk in front of car get tired. Men who walk in back of car get exhausted.
460 What kind of soup do you order at a gay Chinese resturant? Cream of Yungi (Cream of Young Guy)
461 Yo mama is so dumb it took her an hour to make minute rice!!!
462 How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
463 "Your late teeing off, Fred." "Yup, well being Sunday I had to toss a coin to see if I should go to church, or to play golf" "But why are you so late?" "I had to toss for it fifteen times!"
464 If you're fat. can you still disapear into thin air? If you're fat, can you still have slim chances of doing something?
465 What's the difference between yo mamma and a water buffalo? About 20 pounds! How do you even out the difference? Either force feed the buffalo or shave your mom.
466 Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother? New Recruit: Call for backup!
467 Yo mamma so fat when she sat on a jelly bean it got lost between her butt and her backbone, and we have been looking for it still for 31 years.
468 Q: What's the difference between a girls track team and a tribe of pygmies? A: The pygmies are cunning little runts.
469 Q: What do you call 4 blondes standing side-by-side? A: A wind tunnel.
470 What do you call a bear who's into gardening? A Hairy Potter!
471 How do you turn a blonde into a brunette? Make her do a cartwheel!
472 Middle Age: when knees buckle and belts don't.
473 Navy dentist's licence plate: TOP GUM
474 Poise: the ability to continue speaking fluently while the other fellow is picking up the cheque.
475 God: "Whew! I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth." Angel: "What are you going to do now?" God: "Call it a day."
476 Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
477 Q: How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb? A: We can change the bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m. and pay an extra $15, we can get it changed overnight.
478 The ten things a guy knows about a girl: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. They have boobs.
479 Heard over the hospital public address system: Due to a mix up in Urology, no apple juice will be served this morning.
480 When ice skating, never judge a brook by its cover.
481 Children certainly brighten up a home. Who ever saw a child under 12 turn off an electric light?
482 What do you get when you see peas spinning in circles? World Peace (whirled peas)
483 What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Maybe someday we'll find Bigfoot.
484 Yo mama so fat she's got a real horse on her polo shirt.
485 Visitor : "Knock knock?" Worker: "Who's there?" Visitor : "Doughnut Man." Worker: "Doughnut Man who?" Visitor : "For the last time, do not (doughnut) bother me with your useless 'Knock-Knock' jokes!" Worker: "But you started it!"
486 Knock-knock Who's there Who Who who I don't know what the heck your talking about but good owl impression.
487 What do you call a blonde which is as sweet as a pickle and has dirty blonde hair? A sweet potatoe!
488 Q: Why are fingers on the statue of liberty 11 inches long? A: Because if they were 12 inches they would be feet.
489 Knock Knock?? who's there? Hatch Hatch-who? Bless you
490 Who's Bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby? His baby cause he is a little Bigger.
491 Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team? She kept running away from the ball!!
492 Knock KnocK??? Who's there? Ya Ya who? Where did that cowboy come from??
493 If a man becomes president, his wife is the first lady. If a woman became president, what would you call her husband? Whipped.
494 "He who laughs last, thinks slowest."
495 Why did Michael Jackson cover his body in cheese spread? Because kids will do anything for the taste of Dairylee.
496 For all you Blonde ladies out there. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them
497 What do you call a blond who can change a lightbulb? Talented
498 What do you call a man who put the toilet seat down after use? Don't know it's never happened.
499 How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb? One I hope.
500 What's the difference between a Ford and a golf ball? You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.
501 Q: How many FBI agents does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'm afraid that you are not able to receive this classified information.
502 Blonde jokes started when a brunette and a red head had to much time on their hands, because a blond was out with their boyfriends.
503 Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A: A mosquito will stop sucking when you smack it!
504 Q: A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all in the 3rd grade. Who has the biggest tits? A: The blonde because she is 18.
505 Q: How can you tell when a blonde has been driving your car? A: There is lipstick on the steering wheel from her blowing the horn.
506 Q. Why do blondes wear panties? A. To keep their ankles warm!!
507 Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life? A: Fourth grade.
508 Q: What's the difference between Snowmen and Snowwomen? A: Snowballs
509 You're so fat you make sumos look anorexic.
510 You're so fat Richard Simmons laughs at you.
511 You might be a redneck if you think fast-food is hitting a dear at 65mph.
512 Two crisps are walking down the road when a car pulls up alongside and the driver leans out and says "Do you fancy a lift?". The crisps reply, "No thanks we're Walkers".
513 Police officer: "Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle". Dog owner: "Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle".
514  
515 Q.What is the speed limit for sex? A. 68, at 69 you have to turn around!
516 Boss (to the new employee): We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in? New employee: Yes, sir. Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
517 A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike. "How'd you get that, son?" "By hiking." "Hiking?" "Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."
518 Yo momma is so fat that she is on both sides of the family!
519 "He who laughs last, doesn't get the joke."
520 If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
521 There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can not!
522 Vacation begins when dad says. "I know a shortcut"!
523 Energizer Bunny arrested... charged with battery.
524 Lottery, a tax on people who can't do math
525 all generalizations are false
526 Yo momma so fat, and you so poor, she stepped in your house and the tires popped.
527 Eat right, stay fit, die anyway!
528 IRS... we've got what it takes, to take what you've got
529 Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
530 DNA, national dyslexic association
531 Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home.
532 I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.
533 No one is listening to you until you make a mistake.
534 Dyslexics of the world, untie!
535 DARE, to keep cops off donuts
536 On the other hand, you have different fingers.
537 Save a tree, eat a beaver!!
538 Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
539 Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.
540 Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else!
541 Always go to other peoples funerals, or they wont come to yours.
542 Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
543 Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
544 Nobody's perfect-I'm a nobody.
545 Ask me about my vow of silence..
546 Courdory pillows--they're making headlines.
547 What is another word for Thesaurus?
548 The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of bread.
549 How many gay people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 8, one to screw it in, and seven to stand back and say "Fabulous!"
550 There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
551 Q: What is the definition of a sick bird? A: Illegal
552 Veronica: Nurse, I am losing my hair! Nurse: Okay, what size paper bag do you need?
553 Her name was Virginia. They called her Virgin for short, but not for long!
554 And out of the night came the terrible scream, "Who put the sand in the Vaseline!?"
555 If my dog was as ugly as your mom, I'd shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards!
556 A blonde missed a 44 bus so she took the 22 bus twice!
557 Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo? A: A jump rope
558 Q: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a sheep? A: A sweater with pockets
559 What's the difference between two yards? A. Usually a fence.
560 Knock Knock? Who's there? Megan Megan who? Makin a list chekin it twice gonna find out who's naughty or nice.
561 When physics meets Star Wars: May the net force be with you!
562 Q: Why did piglet look in the toilet? A: He was looking for Pooh (poo)
563 There were 3 tomatoes. A momma tomato, a papa tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato started to fall behind and the papa tomato called over to him and said, "Ketchup!"
564 All lazy peoples' slogan must be "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." But fear not for all of you who wake up early just keep this in mind: The first cat gets the mouse.
565 Knock Knock! Who's there? Yo da lay he. Yo da lay he who? I didn't know you could yodel!
566 Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex? Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.
567 Q: What's black, blue, brown and laying in a ditch? A: A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
568 Knock-Knock Who's There? Rita Rita who? Rita book, you might learn something!
569 Q. What do you call a guy that sits on your doorstep? A. A Matt.
570 Q: What do you call a guy with a Spade in his head? A: Doug. Q: What do you call a guy without a spade in his head? A: Douglas
571 Question: Who am I if I have 73 eyes, 4 noses, 8 heads, 139 arms, 78 legs and 100, 000, 000 lips? Answer: A liar.
572 Yo daddy so bald he has to have holes in his pocket to finger through his hair.
573 Why is the letter E like London? Because it is the Capital of England
574 What disasters would happen if a waiter dropped a plate of turkey? The downfall of Greece, the overthrow of Turkey and the break up of China
575 What are the blonde's first words after 4 years of college? "Would you like fries with that?"
576 Knock-Knock? Who's there? Alison. Alison who? Alison (I listen) to the radio sometimes!
577 Yo' mama so poor, all she got you for Christmas was a video of other kids playin' with their toys!
578 What does it mean when a blonde is saying, "yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no?" She's testing if her brunette friend's turn signal is working!
579 A man walks in to an auto store and asks the blonde cashier where the turtle wax is. The blonde says,"I'm sorry sir, but we don't sell pet supplies."
580 What's the difference between a jailer and a jeweler? One sells watches, one watches cells!
581 Yo mamma so stupid she threw a clock out the window to see time fly.
582 Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room? So she could use it as a mirror!
583 Yo mama is so stupid that she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.
584 Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on? A: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.''
585 Yo mama so short, she did a suicide jump off of the curb.
586 Your IQ is so low, you have to dig for it!
587 It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
588 How did the redneck die drinking milk? The cow sat on him!
589 Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one, and everyone elses' stinks.
590 What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
591 How do you tell that a blonde has been at a computer? There is lipstick on the joy stick!
592 Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen? A: To draw blood.
593 Yo momma's so fat that I ran out of gas trying to drive around her.
594 How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? Wave!
595 What did the baby lightbulb say to his mother? I wuv you watts and watts!
596 Yo' Mama's teeth are so yellow, her tonsils have to wear sunglasses.
597 Yo mama is so dumb she brought toilet paper to a craps game.
598 A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened. "The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron." "What about the other one?" "They called back."
599 Q. What happens when you cross a Bulldog with a Shih tzu? A. You get Bullshit.
600 What is a blonde's mating call? NEXT!!!!!!!!
601 Yo mama so ugly when she threw a boomerang it never came back!
602 Two blondes are walking down the road when one says ''Look at that dog with one eye!'' The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says ''Where?''
603 Yo mama's so dumb, she drowned during the wave at the football stadium.
604 How are women and a tornado alike? They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
605 Ben Dover Mike Hunt Phil McCrackin Ajock Strap Anita Cock Ipe Freely Seymour Buttes
606 On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
607 A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender smiles and says "Hey, ya know we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper stops and says "Really? You have a drink called Steve?"
608 Borrow money from a pessimist---They don't expect it back.
609 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
610 Where does Superman's goldfish live ? In the superbowl....
611 Where does Batman's goldfish live ? In the BAT-TUB!! ahahaha...
612 An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
613 What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
614 Two atoms are walking down the street when one atom says to the other, "I think I lost an electron." The other atom says "Are you sure?" "Yeah I'm positive!"
615 What do you call a pretty woman in Poland? A tourist
616 What is worst tasting, a bag of onions or porkloaf? Porkloaf, why? Because porkloaf spelled backwards is faolkrop which sounds like fowl crap.
617 Your mom's so fat, I have to take a bus a train and a cab just to get on her good side.
618 Your mom's so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion.
619 Your mother's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she looks at the menu and says, "OK"!
620 Two ducks walk into a bar... One duck looks at the other and says "Guess you didn't see it either."
621 A test-tube baby has a womb with a view.
622 If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?
623 Your mama so fat that when she goes swimming in the ocean all the whales start singing, "We are familly even though you fatter than me".
624 Your dad's bald spot is so big you could draw an H on it and call it a helicopter landing pad.
625 What do you call something with 4 eyes, 3 noses, 7 ears, and 2 mouths? Ugly!
626 A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
627 Q: How many roaches does it take to screw in a lightbulb???? A: Since when do roaches screw in lightbulbs?
628 Why did the bubblegum cross the road? Because he was stuck to the chickens leg.
629 Why did President George W. Bush go into a gorilla's nest in the jungle? To be with his family!
630 A man and wife are out shopping one day. The wife turns to her husband and says; "Darling it's my mum's birthday tomorrow what shall we get her? Perhaps something electric?" "A chair?" replies the husband.
631 What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice...
632 Joe and Ted finished an exam and talked to each other afterwards. "I did terrible," said Joe. "I think I was filling in the wrong bubbles!" "Me too," replied Ted. "Well, why did you do terrible?" asked Joe. "I forgot to bring a pencil!"
633 Joe: I got a problem. Ed: What's the matter? Joe: Women. I just don't understand them. Ed: Do you understand your TV? Joe: No. Ed: So what's the problem?
634 A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
635 I half a spelling checker, It came with my pea sea; It plainly marks four my revue, Mistakes I kin not sea. I've run this poem threw it, I'm sure your please two no, Its letter perfect in it's weigh, My checker tolled me sew.
636 Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and let me in!
637 Officer: "And you still insist you're innocent, in spite of the fact that we have six witnesses to the crime ?" Offender: "If it's witnesses you want, I can produce seventy people who didn't see me steal the stuff."
638 When is it Michael Jackson's bed time? When the little hand meets the big hand.
639 What do you call happiness? Seeing your mother-in-law's photo on the back of a milk carton!
640 What's the difference between an alchoholic & a drug addict? The alchoholic drives over the stop sign, while the drug addict waits for it to turn green.
641 Barry calls his boss. "I'm having problems with my eyes." "What's wrong with them?" his boss asks. "I just can't see myself coming into work today."
642 If I wanted to think of a better come back, I'd dig it out of your @$$!
643 Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
644 What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in spring training.
645 What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! They have spelt MACY'S wrong!"
646 Q. What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick ? A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
647 Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for ? A. They are Braille for "suck here".
648 Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin ? A. You come in one and go in the other.
649 Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex ? A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
650 Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job ? A. After 5 years your job will still suck.
651 Q. What's the best thing about a blow job ? A. Ten minutes of silence.
652 Q. How is a woman like a laxative ? A. They both irritate the shit out of you.
653 Q. Why do husbands die before their wives ? A. They want to
654 Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull ? A. Lipstick.
655 What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant.
656 A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.'' The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''
657 There once was a very old man, whose verses no one could scan. And when they asked, "Why?" he said, "I don't know, I "just put too many words in the last line, I guess."
658 There was an old man from Purdue whose limericks stopped on line two.
659 What's the difference between a Scot and Mick Jagger? Mick Jagger sang "Hey, you, get offa my cloud." The Scot says "Hey, McCloud, get offa my ewe."
660 A blonde walked into a library and said to the librarian, "Can I have some fish and chips please?" The librarian gave her a funny look and said, " I'm sorry, this is a library." So the blonde whispers,"Can I have some fish and chips please?"
661 Yo momma's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this: "Washington, California..."
662 What is a horse's favourite Shakepearean play? Rodeo and Juliet
663 Yo moma's like the Bermuda Triangle, they both swallow a lot of seamen.